Jack Abbott News Archives - 2004
See also: Phyllis Abbott  Bribery Case  Cosmetics War  Jack Abbott 2003

By What Authority?

December 6, 2004
by Brent Kellogg

Congratulations, Mr. Jack Abbott! You are the new CEO of Chancellor Industries! Oh sure, you say you're just thinking about taking Katherine Sterling's offer, but we know you'll take the job because you thirst for power. You can't wait to "stick it" to Victor Newman again despite the great man having removed himself from the competition. Many thought you were unlikable and smarmy and lopsided and would never again be in a position to rein havoc on the business community. How wrong they were and how proud indeed, you must be.

And your father, while his own company is rumored to be going Chapter 11, is in shambles and a scantily clad altar-boy ghost of what it once was, gave you his blessing. Said he wants you to be happy. Doesn't care that you have zero interest in Jabot Cosmetics.

And your sister, just learning that the one warehouse where most all toxic Jabot chemical products are stashed burned to the ground right during the Christmas rush, can't understand why you won't step in to save the family business when she's supposed to be running Jabot and should have known better than to put all the company's eggs in one basket.

Ashley Carlton can't get it through her thick head that when Jabot settled out of court for $75 million in exchange for ousting you as Jabot CEO it meant that Jack Abbott cannot be in any way caught doing anything to save, or hurt Jabot as the case may be, unless she's willing to forfeit the money which she can't because it has all been spent.

It may sound cruel that you can't help save the family business, Jack. But business, as Victor would say, is business. It may have helped, however, if you hadn't told Ashley to be happy for you at a time when she's way in over her head with a problem she's unskilled to solve.

Why would you want to be CEO, anyway Jack? Chancellor Industries is no company to be proud of right now. Or is allowing former CEO Elliot Hampton to abscond with the family jewels your reward? Remember in October when you picked up the phone and within five minutes had Hampton's financial accounts frozen! It was quite a stunt. You didn't have any proof that he embezzled all that money until he confessed. Then you just let him takeoff for the Bahamas as if nothing had happened.

Is this why Sterling is rewarding you? Does she really want someone at the helm who said he had no idea how to recover the millions of company dollars Hampton tucked away in off-shore accounts? Did you really think that freezing Hampton's personal accounts was sufficient in that all crafty crooks are known to leave embezzled money in their checking and savings? Were the allegations against Hampton ever proven? Have you followed up on that, Jack? Didn't think so.

Like Harrison Bartlett, Hampton just disappeared one day. Gone. Forgotten.

So, above all, Jack, whatever else you may think your new job entails, your real gig is to polish and hone Chancellor Industries' obscure image. To make it stronger, bolder, funkier, a gleaming astrodome of whatever CI does, we aren't sure. Are you Jack? What makes you think you can run this conglomerate when it's never been said what it does?

Let's get this straight, from day one, so we know what you're up against.

Is your job is to bring CI into the battle? That never-ending war between the Abbotts and the Newmans? Will it soon be deflecting the slings and arrows of outrageous toxic chemicals giants and beauty pageants?

We understand why you can't help, Jack. But could you please tell us how Mrs. Sterling has the power to appoint you Chancellor Industries CEO? Isn't she merely a shareholder with no real power? Doesn't the company have a Board of Directors that would have to vote on your installation?

Yes, Sterling has waved offers around in the past, like when she told Nikki Newman she'd give her a job at CI as an interior decorator when Newman can't decorate a cake and access to the bucket of bolts known as the Chancellor company yacht. Yes, she told Sean Bridges that if CI ever needed a webmaster she'd let him know, but where does Sterling get her audacity?

This is the real question, Jack. Not merely how are you going to run CI or how long on your watch before it will be near bankruptcy or how you will pacify your one-time step-mother who you had sex with and was supposedly in love with until she met the strange Mr. Hampton and will be out to get you because she should have been given her mother's company. Oh no.

But much more important. You must ask yourself this question right now, and from every day hence. By what authority did Sterling give you this job?

Rumors Flying; Jabot Into Chapter 11, Abbott Appointed CEO

December 1, 2004

So then there's the story this week about how a failing for a good two years toxic chemical company is about to go into Chapter 11 bankruptcy proceedings and companies that have ever done business with the company or are thinking about doing business with the company should avoid it like the plague and drop the company's dwindling product line if it has any.

"We're solid," says Jabot Cosmetics founder John 'Yawn" Abbott, who for the first time in recent weeks actually showed up Wednesday at the office to deny the rumors.

And as Abbott's new bride sat on his lap and waited and waited so that they could talk about the first thing that came up, the old man assured the newest Mrs. Abbott that, like former employee Dru Winters' marriage - who now works for the competition after she repeatedly called those working at Newman Enterprises "traitors" - their week-old marriage is "solid" too.

The solidarity assurance was needed because the Chapter 11 scare made Gloria Fisher Abbott's ears perk up. If it's true Jabot is broke the natural conclusion a prudent person out to drain the founder's life savings would draw is that there's no money to drain so he/she better find a new mark.

Satisfied that the Abbott coffer is full. Mrs. Abbott shifted her attention to a more important matter. Why in the hell does the old geezer allow his adult children to live under his roof? Yawn had a simple answer to this age old question: "It's always been how the Abbotts have worked."

This absurd reasoning was reinforced by Yawn's oldest child, Jack, who said that while it's true the Abbotts are "a pretty strange lot" to know them is to love them.

Poor Genoa City. Saddled with the likes of the Abbotts and not one but three unabashed titans of consumer mediocrity and landfill producers and far too many Malaysian-made ceramic monkey bookends. Yes, this innocent burg suffers from the looming presence of not only two cosmetics companies but a monster something or other named Chancellor Industries.

And these are not just plain AVON like conglomerates, oh no. Rather, Jabot and Newman Enterprises are primarily cosmetic monstrosities and the latter is a mega super Goliath nobody is sure what it does.

Everyone here recalls how Newman's Safra line went on the market a couple of years ago and was immediately swamped with "woman of color" looking to buy its amazing skin creams and hair tonic. Jabot opened 30 years ago and suddenly was the ugly stepsister who couldn't get a date because those scoundrels across town were bribing store owners to put products at eye-level.

Jabot promised very slightly lower prices. The town flocked. But it wasn't good enough. Soon the CEO of Jabot was out on his ass. Not because of a failed ad campaign, but because he'd refused to settle out of court for something like 10-million dollars when he wanted triple the amount from Newman whose CEO was blamed for killing the baby of Jabot's current CEO, Ashley Carlton.

The town shrugged. No one bought another Safra product and Newman went on to bigger and better things. And now, every day, there are rumblings that Jabot is about to fold. The parking lot is nearly empty. Once famous lab rats from Georgia hired to make the company an overnight success no longer show up for work.

It is frightening and incredible that a company like Jabot was once worth zillions and that Abbott's heirs were raking in billions and chuckling like drunken kings. Jack Abbott socked so much money away in a Swiss bank he never had to work again.

So now, when he doesn't need a job but still hankers to "stick it" to his old nemesis Victor Newman, it was nothing short of a miracle that Abbott was asked this week to run Chancellor Industries. Not so much because his skills are atrocious and his business dealing nearly destroyed Jabot at least twice during his tenure there, but because Katherine Chancellor Sterling wants to get even with her daughter!

Ah, revenge. It rears its ugly head again.

Without so much as telling his son that rumors are flying that the family business is folding and how it might be nice to have his son's help saving it, or asking whether Chancellor might be planning to market a new hair straightening product and go into direct competition with Jabot, Yawn gave Jack his blessing.

Whatever floats your boat, Jackie. Just be happy. It's not like you could ever come back to run Jabot. We all know how Newman ruined your chance of taking over the company. I am so freaking old I've forgotten that we Abbott ganged up on you and forced you out. Besides, it's so much easier to blame Newman for all our problems.

God help Chancellor Industries. If Jack Abbott runs it like he ran Jabot about a year from now there will be rumors that CI is going Chapter 11 too.

Abbott Divorce Final
August 4, 2004

Within hours of their breakup six months ago Jack and Phyllis Abbott were on the prowl for fresh, sticky meat. He nailed his daddy's former wife and she took up with local opium den inhabitant, Damon Porter. The sex flowed and things were great until this week when Mr. Abbott received by messenger the final divorce decree. The marriage that would never end, the love that would never die, were over. Just like that.

For a moment Jack was sad. The memories flashed before his eyes. The hardships they faced, the trouble he went through to keep Phyllis out of jail. The sacrifice he made by sleeping with Diane Jenkins was especially tumultuous.

Taking his wedding ring off Jack officially tossed another marriage into the toilet like so many disposable diapers. The time had come for him to find another fish in that big ocean of life.

And so it was that Jack coincidentally dropped by the restaurant of the week where he bumped into Phyllis. They talked briefly of times gone by and things yet to come like her brand spanking new relationship with the son stolen from her so long ago.

Understandably, Jack told Phyllis in essence that Daniel Romalotti is one lucky kid to have such a "great mom."

But for all the talk of themselves neither Jack nor Phyllis mentioned a thing about the child they ripped away from its biological mother. Not a peep about the boy they fought with Diane Jenkins over for nearly a year, Kyle Abbott.

Who can forget that April day in 2002 when Jack was out for blood? He wanted a baby and didn't care who got stepped on in the process. If taking a child away from its biological mother was the only way he could get a kid, Jack was all for it. Like most elitist, he wanted what he wanted when he wanted it. In Abbott's mind Diane Jenkins was a plague who had stolen his sperm and he wanted the end result.

With an aging father flirting with dementia, a wife with severe mood swings and a niece with drug problems Abbott said his "well bonded family" was the perfect place to raise Kyle and that, apparently, is where baby Kyle will remain stashed as nobody seems to want the boy. Certainly, Phyllis doesn't want the kid and hasn't seen Kyle since the day she dumped Jack.

Kyle's own mother doesn't want him. If she had an iota of concern Jenkins should be right this minute petitioning a court to have the custody she bargained away restored.

Who can forget that day in June 2002 when Diane said, "Jack’s son is a better weapon than Phyllis' body" and vowed to, and did, use Kyle in a fruitless effort to trap Jack?

And what is to become of Kyle Wyllie Christian Newman Abbott? The Boy will apparently remain in the care of Abbott house squatter PainMe Johnson. Based on the amount of sugar fixes Johnson injects into the boy, it won't be long until Kyle is competing with Sierra NoLastName to see who can handle a 700-pound load without losing their integrity.

Jabot CEO Throws In the Towel
July 5, 2004

My God, what an agonizing decision it was for old man, drooling in a cup, John 'Yawn' Abbott to make. Let his company go down the tubes or fire his no good son. Terminate hundreds of Jabot Cosmetics employees or fire his son.

Choices. So many choices the geezer had to actually weigh the odds. Had to rehash the situation with his beauty, the mentally unstable woman he thinks is his daughter, Ashley Carlton who really would have preferred attending the Katherine Sterling intervention since two of the other board members had gone to it. So out of it was Carlton her half-brother had suddenly become the hard to fire son. Really, that's what she told the old man.

And there was Brad Carlton drifting around in a daze, too. For months all he's done is whine that something has got to be done to save his job and what does he do on decision day? Says reaching a decision can wait!

Hard-core random-thinking schizophrenia isn't just a personal choice with these people, it's a way of life. Consider Abbott's brilliant deduction that Victor Newman is now subjecting the Abbotts to "extortion."

Say what? Haven't the Abbotts been bitching for months that they wanted Newman to hand over 75-million dollars to them so that they wouldn't have to take him to court and probably have to walk out with their hats in their grubby hands and little else? Wasn't there much consternation that Jabot might not even get the case before the court due to a lack of money to pay the greedy lawyers? Weren't they ready to jump at the 25-million Newman offered as settlement?

Did not Newman offer to make it easier than going to an ATM machine for the money they wanted by agreeing to their demands? Sure, there was a string attached, but what deals don't have strings? Who in this world gets 75-million based on a sleazy demand without working for it and had they taken the money and run it would have been three times what they might have been awarded in court assuming they could prove their case?

And there again was that idiot. That boob who can barely spell extortion much less understand the law.

"You're right," Ashley oozed, when her fake pa said they're being extorted.

For all their confusion it came back to one thing. Take Newman's offer as is or go down the toilet.

And there again was that idiot. That boob who actually believes that the economy is rebounding.

"[We could] catch a rising economy and pull a rabbit out of our hat," Brad said, albeit confessing it would be a long shot.

And there she was again. Moron Ashley. "We could take Victor to court at the same time," she hacked.

Was this woman not listening? Does Ashley not remember what people said behind her back at the Arts Society Gala when she showed up clutching a blue blanket and babbling about a dead baby? It's a rhetorical question, because right after that dumb statement she said of Victor, "He makes the rules" and thus they as a company are under Newman's thumb.

Fortunately, before these freaks could make further fools of themselves the prodigal son blew in and took the decision out of their hands.

For the good of the company Jack Abbott will quit.

John Abbott was appalled at the idea.

"I want to spit in that man's eye [Newman] and tell him...," Yawn began drooling again, and blaming Newman for the problems Jack has created when if it weren't for Newman, Jabot would have been taken completely away from the Abbotts - and was temporarily - until Newman, out of respect for the old man, gave the company back.

But before there could be more what is to become of us blathering from these imbeciles, Jack stuck a fork in them.

"I quit," he said, and that, thank God, was that.

Or was it?

Later, alone with his Pa, Jack said that the day will come when he returns. And God help 'em all when that happens.

Abbott Sleeps With Brother's Mother!
June 23, 2004

See what happens when you have sex with your brother's mother? You transform from a sniveling angry at the world cry-baby into the worthless toad you were before.

This is how it was for Jack Abbott this week following another roll in the hay with his brother's mother, Jill Abbott. One minute he was complaining of bad dreams and accusing his enemies of being out to get him and the next he was ready to reinvent himself.

Not really sure if he's as good in bed with his father's ex-wife as he was with his own ex-wife and having thrown a fit about the vicious Victor Newman, Jack bitched again when Jill broached the great man's name right after sex.

"You've been dancing to his tune for a long time," Jill said of Newman, suggesting again that she can help Jack become the old Jack she once despised. That Jack was "a giant in the cosmetics industry. A maverick. An innovator. A leader" who never let the competition get a step ahead of him. The old Jack loved challenges and had fun doing his job.

But somewhere along the line 'Ole Smilin' Jack lost it and in the process nearly destroyed his father's company - again. My, my. But what the Abbotts miss the Jackie they once knew. Now he spends his time brooding about the evil Victor.

"Take control of your destiny!" Jill commanded, and damn but what it was as if she had waved a magic wand over the little weasel.

Yes!

For all the months Jack has complained that Jabot Cosmetics cannot survive without Victor's money, damn, but what it can after all. Imagine that?

"We can do this without Victor's money," Jack declared, noting that it would take some sacrifice like, dumping the toxic Tuvia product upon which the cosmetics war had been perpetuated and the entire Men's line!

Jack was invigorated. Gosh, who would have thunk that one pep talk from the woman he once couldn't stand being in the same room with would have brought him "back on track"?

As a means of celebration, the new Jack, same as the old Jack, scurried off to tell Jabot employees of his reincarnation.

"I'm here to let you know I'm in charge again," oozed a very proud Jack.

Fanatical Sanctimony on a String
June 22, 2004

Sweet Jesus! Somebody at the God Have Mercy Medical Center had better look into whatever it is that has affected half the population in Genoa City because it's spreading rapidly.

Jack Abbott is the latest victim.

Usually content to just whimper and whine whenever his divine masculine power is shut down by nemesis Victor Newman who demonizes him, makes him whorelike and causes his mood ring to glow different shades of black, Abbott is now having bad dreams!

The dreams are much like those Cassie Newman get whenever she even so much as suspects her happy family is at risk of collapsing. Little Newman's nightmare plague was caught by her brother, Noah, in 2002 at a time when Cassie was distraught over her parent's estrangement and it's thought she caught it from Nate Hastings who before he went missing had similar nightmares.

Abbott's dreams are more brutal and horrific, almost pornographic in his latest obsession with depicting every gruesome detail of the torture being inflicted upon him by Newman. The dreams came into focus this week when Abbott told his former step-mother that he had two run-ins with Newman in one week.

As Jill Abbott listened to the first part of Jack's epic tale the sound of a heavy swooping organ could almost be heard in the background like a heavy soundtrack designed to deliver one man's radicalized, masochistic, blood-soaked view of religious redemption. God help him, Jack hates Newman.

After pondering the situation for a moment Jill came up with the perfect solution: stay away from Newman.

"No! He should stay away from us!" Jack hissed, adding that while Newman is at it he should stay away from the entire Abbott family because, well, just because Jack says so. Think of the horror. Newman is the biological father of Ashley Carlton's baby. Isn't that terrible?

"Oh, and did I mention that Ashley stole Victor's sperm? And can you imagine the gall of that man insisting on being part of his daughter's life? I tell you, Jill. It's thought-provoking subject matter and bone-crushing drama the likes of which we haven't seen since that time I almost let Newman die. This time it's personal," Jack did not exactly say, but may as well have because that's how brutally melodramatic it was.

And then there was smug Jill. So full of herself. So hypocritical.

"Of all the men Ashley could choose. What a disaster!" she said.

This from a woman who once wanted Victor so bad she would have cut off her right breast.

Saying that he didn't want to talk about it and nobody listens to him anyway, Jack kept right on talking about it.

"Do you ever get the feeling there's a force out there waiting to do you in? Waiting to destroy you?" he asked, as his great eye for miserable, bloody battle scenes with giant rats under Satan's control coming to get him spun out of control.

And just like Saddam, Jack sees Newman as a "weapon aimed right at me". A weapon that must be taken out or at least invaded and occupied before the next election - or something. Whatever. One thing is for sure. Jack can't let his guard down. He must remain ever vigilant for evil lurks.

And again Jill thought. Gosh, Jack. That's awful!

"That means you can never relax," she actually said.

"I can't remember the last time I've had a good night's sleep," Jack continued, adding that in his dreams he sees himself trying to save his father from being buried under the rubble of the company he has single-handedly destroyed.

In real time Abbott is thinking of hiring a hit man to take Newman out because unless Victor is stopped he'll be in the lives of the Abbott family forever as if he isn't already.

And again Jill thought. Gosh, Jack. "Is there anyway I can help?"

Of course there is! Jill can get naked and have sex with Jack again. If having sex with one's former step-mommy can't snap a person out of their funk - what can?

The only thing missing was an ugly nail necklace hanging around Jack's neck as he thought about the bloody violent death Newman caused his nephew. That Newman should die to indicate humanity's need to purge itself of hate, war, violence and ego - you know, all those things now performed in the name of Jesus.

And again Abbott did not say, "Oh, and did I mention that my sister killed her baby?"

No! Can't let the truth get in the way when the lies are so much more dramatic.

The lesson here is simply a reminder, easily forgotten amongst the creepiness and the busloads of divinity. It's worth remembering that Abbott's lopsided, agenda-ridden, sickeningly violent depictions of unspeakably cruel suffering and nightmares is but more storytelling of a pained Jack staring up at the sky, thinking about love.

The last thing anyone really needs hammered into them right now is more brutal, fanatical sanctimony on a string. This is Jack Abbott. This is half of Genoa City blaming others for what they are unwilling to accept responsibility.

Reduction of Head Shaking Urged
June 15, 2004

All too often these days while observing the people and events in Genoa City you have to be careful not to shake your head because it might fall off from all the shaking it's gone through previously. Take the meeting between Jack Abbott and Victor Newman this week.

It was May 19 when Jabot Cosmetics founder John Abbott announced that his toxic chemical company would accept $25 million to settle the firm's dispute with Newman Enterprises and that CEO Jack Abbott would have no say in the matter. Later, the CEO would throw up his hands and say that his father and sister Ashley could do as they damn well please.

Yet for the emergency board of directors meeting and breakfast table pow-wow at the Abbott home Newman was never presented the offer. There was not a peep until Tuesday when Newman met with Jack Abbott to say he wanted to resolve their money issues.

Instead of directing Newman to his father or sister when it should be apparent that Jabot cannot now prevail in a court action and that he should consider himself lucky to get anything, Abbott rejected the settlement saying he's unwilling to accept pennies on the dollar. Before stomping off Abbott stuck his nose into Newman's desire to obtain visitation rights with the child spawned by his sister and sired using Newman's stolen sperm.

As the biological father of Abby Carlton, Newman could easily obtain a favorable court ruling but has chosen instead to play the game the Brad and Ashley Carlton have created much like that of Mrs. Carlton's recent cancer scare and hair loss dilemma.

Newman answered Abbott's allegation that he's a "lousy" father by noting it was Carlton who created the problem when she stole his sperm and kept the baby's birth a secret. Now, Newman feels it would be best if the child knew its real father inasmuch as Abby already knows she has two daddies.

Newman did not rebut the allegation that he's a bad father by throwing it back in Abbott's face. It certainly takes a bad father to know one considering Abbott's shallow relationship with his own son. As for Newman being a bad dad Abbott apparently hasn't noticed: the Newman kids have never wanted for anything.

But as usual, all Newman could do was warn that Abbott "will be sorry" for either not accepting the money, for sticking his nose into his personal business, or both.

Thus, this is where the head shaking comes in. How many times in the past has Victor hissed at Jack and vice-versa?

In another related head shaking development, Ashley Carlton visited with a doctor this week to determine whether her daughter is psychologically stable enough to visit with Newman. The doctor said yes, but Abbott's husband has found a doctor who doesn't think so.

Strange as it all is, previous custody battles have shown that it doesn't matter what the doctors think because in the end it will be a judge that decides should the case make it into the courts. God knows, the last thing Genoa City needs or wants is another squabble over paternity rights. The Daniel Romalotti case shows what happens when the wrong person is given sole custody.

Just the thought of Abby Carlton sulking around in a few years accusing her biological father of being evil will only cause much more shuddering and head shaking at a time when we'll be trying to keep our wits about us.

Looking for Mr. Goodstory
May 20, 2004

by Brent Kellogg

When I wake up each morning the first thing I do is thank God for giving me another day. Another day when I can ask myself what good things might I write about the people and events in Genoa City. I shake the grapevine and put my ear to the ground listening for rumblings ever scouring for curious stories and tidbits and potential column fodder that won't make me sound like an angry Daniel Romalotti or Lily Winters. Or a Dru Winters sick to death that her career is ending because someone might catch on that she has no skill that in any way qualify her to work at a major cosmetics company.

When you're inundated with a nonstop barrage of inhuman tales of excess and misery and schlock it's hard to find the good. I wrote recently that when all you have is a hammer everything looks like a nail. If all you have is a tragedy-thick anger-ravaged abuse-drenched view of Genoa City, everything looks like a crime against the spirit and everything is something meant to induce anger and something that will completely blow you away.

Take the story of Jack and Jill Abbott for example. Has there ever been two more corrupt malevolent demon spawns? Had their brains not been pickled in cheap lust they might this week have discerned that despite being sexless there are ways to have sex that don't involve family members.

For those that may not know, Jack and Jill are related. Jill was once married to Jack's father which made him her step-son and she his step-mother. During Jill's farce of a marriage to old man John 'Yawn' Abbott, Jack slept with Jill. The shock of knowing his own son would betray him rocked Yawn's foundation. That any son would have sex with his father's wife was gut-wrenching. But crap happens.

Eventually Yawn forgave Jack and Jack seemed to have gotten the message that the endless barrage of sex and violence warps the living hell out of perspective. Random, cheap sex desensitizes those who grew up thinking sex between a man and a woman was an act of love reserved for those truly committed to have and to hold until death do them part.

But not in Genoa City. Here, slugs like Jack and Jill Abbott justify their incestuous lust by claiming to be in need of a "diversion." It's not as simple as going to a strip club where they can fantasize, or maybe go to their respective and separate homes where they can masturbate (gasp - the M-word) in private, or find some significant other not remotely related to them but who would eagerly put out. Like, in Jack's case, Diane Jenkins. Or in Jill's case, Larry Warton.

And oh yes, let's not forget. God knows Jill and Jack need a sexual release. God would approve. That's why they went straight to the Abbott home to lounge by the pool and got all horny as Papa Abbott lay alone upstairs in his bed.

Just fun and games they call it. Just slimy, sticky sex. No strings attached. Hmm... Wonder if Jill has lost her special touch? Wonder if she remembers exactly how Jack likes it? Wonder if Jack still has those anal beads.

What? Too raunchy? Too lewd?

You bet!

But we're just the messengers. Bringing you this disgusting story of incest, which no matter how they try to sugar-coat it and make it seem like something it isn't - is exactly that. How deep down into the sewer did they have to crawl before Jack and Jill remembered they haven't had sexual feelings between them since 1984? Is it not enough that Damon Porter is porking Jack' wife? Not enough that Dru Winters wanted Diane Jenkins to sleep with Porter as a means to justify keeping her job? Not enough that Jack screwed Diane thinking it would get his wife out of jail? Not enough that Brad Carlton slept with Olivia Winters while he was married to the cancer-stricken Ashley Carlton? Apparently not.

Something is dangerously wrong when this sort of casual, screechy incest-like behavior becomes the norm. We begin to lose sight of the far more sinister forces now telling our born-again virgin Christian sisters what they should and should not be offended by, who they can and cannot marry.

We have become a population that is increasingly willing to forgo its own rights and opinions and individual spiritual paths in favor of a sort of collective numbness, a general rejection of responsibility, this ridiculous notion that having sex with your former mother-in-law under your father's roof is just a cute game. That if we just let the Powers That Be cleanse the world of all the accused evildoers and drug dealers and F-words and lewdness, we will be happy and pure and flowers will smile and priests will stop checking out porn sites and chat rooms on the Internet looking for young boys.

What swill is this that they are calling a way to spread a message of hope for two lost souls? Poor Jill. What is her problem? Her mother is drinking again? How depressing. I think I'll have sex with my former son-in-law. That'll wash all my worries away. What is Jack's problem? His wife left him because he treated her like an unwanted dog? Think I'll have sex with my former mother-in-law. That'll wash all my worries away. We'll feel so much better in the morning.

True, we don't know for sure that they'll actually do the dirty deed. They did get naked and swapped spit and might, at the last minute, find a shred of dignity. But that they even thought about committing a sin speaks volumes.

As always, it is your choice. You can think you need to have your spiritual belief coated in gallons of lust, of cruel beatings and nightmarish adultery. Or, you know, you don't. Jesus didn't die for sin. He died to indicate Genoa City's need to rid itself of hate, violence and ego - you know, all those things now performed in his name. Right, Jill? Right, Jack?

This is Genoa City, dammit. Nothing is sacred - especially that which is supposedly most sacred of all.

Nearly Extinct, Jabot Board of Directors Meet for First Time in Years
March 15, 2004

As part of its leadership succession plan, the Board of Directors of Jabot Cosmetics met Monday at the home of Jabot founder John 'Yawn' Abbott to announce that an offer to settle the company's impending civil suit against Newman Enterprises will be accepted.

CEO Victor Newman made the $75 million offer prior to the verdict in the penalty phase of the State of Wisconsin's case against him. Charged with the crime of commercial bribery in connection with the recent "cosmetics war" in which the two companies engaged, Newman pleaded guilty and was sentenced to three years probation.

Saying it was "chump change", and presuming that Newman would be sent to prison, Jabot CEO Jack Abbott rejected the money. The move angered some members of the Jabot board who say Abbott did not consult them at a time when Jabot is desperate for operating capital.

Spearheaded by Jabot's chief skunk oil sniffer, Ashley Abbott Carlton called an impromptu board meeting in an effort to override her brother's decision.

Gathered at the rare meeting with Carlton were board members Nikki Newman, Brad Carlton, Jill Abbott, John Abbott and Jack Abbott. By a voice vote, Jack Abbott was quickly defeated 5-1.

Seen without his drooling cup, and presuming that Newman's offer is still on the table, Jabot Founder John Abbott made it clear that the offer will be accepted.

An angry Jack Abbott vowed to "pull rank" and carry on as if the board is powerless to stop him. How he intends to pull off what would be a miracle in the business world was not disclosed.

Abbott's outburst was seen primarily as the ranting of a defeated man about to go down in flames.

Is Hitler Alive and Living as Victor Newman?
March 3, 2004

by Vicki Johns

The GCN has learned that Mossad (Israeli Secret Service) has contacted the FBI regarding mounting proof that Victor Newman is the former Furher of the Third Reich, Adolph Hitler.

Victor Newman's life of treachery and high crimes has never been so apparent as in recent times. Masquerading for years as founder of a corporation which employs thousands, benefactor to innumerable charities and foundations, and the largest taxpaying citizen in the state of Wisconsin, Mr. Newman's true character was first revealed late last summer when he visited ex-wife and corporate competitor, Ashley Carlton of Jabot Cosmetics.

While heavily pregnant with her second child, Mr. Newman devilishly, purposely and with malice aforethought, warned Mrs. Carlton to focus only on the birth of her new baby. Becoming enormously distraught and inconsolable at the secret and hidden message Mr. Newman was obviously delivering, Mrs. Carlton was undeniably forced to drive her SUV into town at a dangerously high rate of speed causing an automobile accident, the death of her child, and infertility. It is believed Mr. Newman planned on the accident and the infanticide, but that the infertility was simply a bonus in his devious plot.

The reason for Mr. Newman's warning was that, of course, he had bribed, coerced, drugged and kidnapped high ranking officers of various department stores into providing his new cosmetics product, Safra, with prime shelf space, thus unquestionably dooming Jabot's competitive product, Tuvia, into disaster and therefore, single-handedly pushing Jabot Cosmetics to the brink of bankruptcy and financial ruin.

As if murder and corporate destruction are not heinous crimes, Mr. Newman was recently proven beyond doubt to be the deciding factor in the fate of Jack and Phyllis Abbott's marriage. Mrs. Abbott was the former "webmaster" for Newman Enterprises. It simply follows suit, then, that the founder of the company would be responsible for the demise of the Abbott marriage due to the pressing fact that Mrs. Abbott worked for the man. No other proof is required by any reasonable, thinking individual anywhere.

With the preponderance of evidence testifying to Mr. Newman's evil and vile character, certain parties began to suspect that it was very possible Mr. Newman's reign of terror probably did not begin in recent times. Where exactly was Victor Newman from? What of that strange and implacable accent? Lastly, what of the man's trademark mustache?

Long believed to have died in a bomb shelter in 1945, concrete identification of Adolph Hitler's remains were never made, and a segment of the population believed he had escaped the horrific last days of WWII. Had he gone to Argentina, as so many Nazi criminals had done? Or possibly, the Nazi-loving country of France or that famous haven for terrorists, Canada?

A Mossad official, speaking under the terms of anonymity, stated that proof exists that Hitler escaped to Canada, and, incapable of tolerating the tundra-like winters and third-world environment, not to mention the whining and bad food, migrated south into Wisconsin. Although Mr. Newman claims to have been raised in an orphanage, no conclusive evidence of this exists and the story is thought to have been created to raise pity and sympathy for the self-made billionaire.

However, it wasn't until recent events, when the full magnitude of Mr. Newman's utterly diabolical nature was revealed, that theorists around the globe began to put the pieces together: no other villainous tyrant and monster in history could ever have perpetrated the enormity of the crimes of which Victor Newman is unquestionably guilty other than the Fuhrer himself.

Mossad and FBI officials refused to comment any further on what they deemed an "ongoing investigation."

When reached for comment, Jack Abbott, President of Jabot Cosmetics, simply said, "I'm not surprised, not surprised at all."

Steaming Bowls Of Revenge
February 27, 2004

Back from a trip to Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a place so remote and out of touch even coffee shops can't survive, Jabot Cosmetics CFO Brad Carlton announced late Friday that he has obtained a 90-day loan payment extension for the financially troubled Misfortune 50 company.

A confident Carlton didn't blink when informed that near bankrupt Jabot had earlier this week turned down a 75-million dollar settlement offer and began salivating over thoughts of the one man who can save their corporate butts, Victor Newman, behind bars even if it means the destruction of Jabot.

"We're still going to get lots of his money," Jabot CEO Jack Abbott hacked, noting that his decision to pass up more money than he could ever hope to gain from a law suit against Newman Enterprises - which could take years - and is a huge gamble was "an executive decision" and therefore he has not told any of Jabot's investors or corporate officers.

Why Abbott hasn't been kicked out of Jabot is a question nobody seems to have an answer to. Why Abbott's father, John 'Yawn' Abbott and founder of Jabot hasn't a clue as to what his son is doing to the company he built from the ground up can only be attributed to the old geezer's countless hours wasted drooling in a cup and spending way too much time upstairs at the Abbott home with his three-year-old grandson.

Apparently unaware that his recently recovered form a fugue-like state wife, Ashley, has returned to the Jabot laboratory in her role as the company's top skunk oil sniffer, Carlton was stunned to hear that Mrs. Carlton wants to terminate the dead orchid project they've wasted more time and money on then they can ever hope to recoup.

Taking a big toke from the hose hooked up to a container in the corner of his office with the words DOW CHEMICAL on it, Abbott agreed that the orchid project is a big risk.

And lightning did not strike him dead on the spot.

"We've taken risks before," Carlton oinked, his eyes averting all the pie charts and graphs showing that each and every risk they've ever taken has only brought them closer to the edge of bankruptcy.

Abbott took another toke. His head swimming in a toxic cloud he actually said that the orchid project cannot "fly" without Ashley Carlton on board!

There again, Abbott had fallen into just one of roughly seven billion little sub-worlds he visits on a regular basis. So warped does it get and so lost and bizarre that one day he wakes up and says something so stupid.

If the orchid project is dependent on his sister's participation why in God's name was he moving forward with it while she was walking around in a fog? Why does Abbott say such things when he's already said that they have ways with dealing with Ashley now that she balked? Why is he paying lab rat Damon Porter to sit around at home snorting incense? Shouldn't Porter be tucked away in a secret cave somewhere continuing to work on the project until they have Mrs. Carlton hanging on meat hook?

And who prey tell will deal with our hero? None other than the sanctimonious and hateful and small idiot, Dru Winters who right about now is rolling up little fiery balls of evil to hurl at Mrs. Carlton as the snide little clusters of hissing sweating evil-doers lick their chops over steaming bowls of revenge.

The Brink of Bankruptcy be Damned, Jabot to Get New, Bigger Office Windows!
February 17, 2004
by Vicki Johns

"Employment rose in January, and the unemployment rate, at 5.6 percent, was little changed, the Bureau of Labor Statistics of the U.S. Department of Labor reported today. Payroll employment increased by 112,000, with job gains in construction and several service-providing industries. Manufacturing employment continued to trend down, but the rate of job loss has moderated in recent months. The number of unemployed persons was 8.3 million in January and the unemployment rate was 5.6 percent."

Those pathetic, nearly non-existent job gains weren't helped Tuesday on the news that Jabot Cosmetics was considering making their windows larger.

This company, Jabot Cosmetics, has done nothing but teeter on the edge of bankruptcy for years. Fully aware that cash reserves were somewhere in the virtually zero range, that loans were overdue and that credit rating had fallen off the Dunn & Bradstreet charts, Jabot continued to blame outside forces (i.e., Victor Newman) for their financial troubles. The real reason for their painful and tragic fall into financial darkness boldly stares the chief executives themselves in the mirror each and every morning.

At a time when every possible perceivable cost cutting gesture should be made, including the removal of top executives who appear to do absolutely nothing to foster the fortunes of the company, like Brad Carlton, and cut out totally unusable fat, like Drucilla Winters, Jack Abbott informed resident architect Diane Jenkins that he could find "no fault" with her plans to enlarge the company's windows.

Although never discussed in the high-falutin' watering holes of the rich and don't-give-a-damn, like the Genoa City Athletic Club or The Lodge, it's an open secret around town that Jabot has recently laid-off approximately 20% of it's workforce. Although somewhere in the neighborhood of 30 or so of the blue-color warehouse workers, secretaries, shipping staff and low-level accounting folks could be saved by simply lopping off the heads of folks like Brad and Drucilla, and another 30 or so saved by doing the same to the drinking and worthless Jill Abbott and family-absorbed Nikki Newman, who haven't been seen in the office in seemingly decades, it won't happen.

So, Jabot gets new, energy-wasting, larger windows. How nice. As all of those laid-off folks pass by the revamped offices on their way to the unemployment line, may they take comfort in the fact that it is absolutely no fault of theirs whatsoever that Jabot is in the miserable financial shape it's currently suffering.

And it's not Victor Newman's either. That responsibility lays solely on the shoulders of Jack Abbott and the Abbott family. And like the employees of every other stupid, reckless, inhumane corporation out there, it's the backs of the people upon whom those very companies were built that will break and suffer for the criminal and willful stupidity of it's leaders.

But what does Jack Abbott care? He's on the inside looking out of those windows. For now.

Abbott rules on Newman, Baldwin fate
February 3, 2004

Having appointed himself judge and executioner, Jack Abbott, noted hunk of crusty mysterious reeking glob on the boot-heel of life, snidely and viciously and face-slappingly ruled Tuesday that Michael Baldwin will be allowed to perform pro bono work as restitution for his part in the cosmetics bribery boondoggle.

The sanctimonious insult to the justice system followed Baldwin's soul curdling discussion with Abbott during which he revealed that big fish Victor Newman will unlikely see the inside of a prison cell.

And because this is freaking Genoa City, and how people here think can make skin crawl, Abbott said he'd make sure Newman's probation officer knows how many people were hurt by what the great man did. Why, after a word or two from his lying lips the PO would no doubt put him in charge of determining what penance Newman must pay.

Lightning did not strike Abbott down on the spot for his unmitigated ignorance of the justice system. Persons placed on probation for such minuscule crimes as Newman's are rarely required to do more than send in monthly statements certifying that they still reside at the same address.

As Abbott's illiteracy weren't dumb enough, he turned right around and said that Newman will be behind bars for the world to see.

All this when the court has yet to rule on Newman's fate.

For good measure, Baldwin tossed in a nice dose of hope and warm fuzzy secure feelings for the thoroughness and fairness of the judicial system when he asked what Judge Abbott might have in store for him.

Abbott ruled on the spot. Because Baldwin was merely a pawn in Newman's game and as a lawyer should have known better and was just as guilty he'll be allowed to pay his debt to society by performing pro bono work!

Here all this time everyone was thinking Sharon Newman is the sociopath nutball freakazoid and damn but what Abbott doesn't come along to declare that Baldwin's action was not evil but the fulfillment of Newman's puppet string pulling.

Oh God! That's it! That's exactly what happened! Baldwin was lured into committing the crime of commercial bribery by a wacko manipulator of human bones and was induced into blowing the living crap out of yet another piss-ant cosmetics company and denied hundreds of "women of color" the opportunity to purchase more toxic skin-care products. Mr Baldwin, you poor thing.

A slightly convulsing Jack Abbott, sweating profusely from glands no normal human possesses as he worked to deflect the hilariously obvious truth that Baldwin openly raped the industry for personal and corporate crony gain, also noted that a forthcoming civil suit against Newman will net his near bankrupt company a settlement in the "nine figure" range.

Jack Abbott's shrinking credibility
by Vicki Johns
January 19, 2004

Not since Jack Abbott screwed his own mother-in-law 21 years ago in secluded cabin during a raging snowstorm has he sunk to such sub-human, animalistic, and despicable behavior. Not to mention hypocritical, para-adulterous, and just plain disgusting.

With his recently separated wife Phyllis Abbott's perfume still wafting about his genitals, his bed, his home and his office, Jack had no problem this week enjoying a deep and saliva filled kiss with his former sack mate, Diane Jenkins which he innocently described as "a kiss between friends."

If, a kiss is just a kiss, then Abbott should have absolutely no problem whatsoever with his wife kissing Damon Porter or any other jock in paradise twenty years his junior that her young, lithe, and pulsating body should happen upon. As long as they're friends and it's "a kiss between friends."

What's next for Jack and Diane and their "between friends" relationship? Will his next line be: "What's a little doggie style between friends?"

And Jack decries Victor Newman's lack of conscience? Victor never took solemn vows before God not to violate Jabot Cosmetics. Jack, however, without any formal separation papers and having just enjoyed conjugal relations with his wife a scant three days ago, after which he withheld critical, relationship-killing information from her, has a miniscule enough conscience to praise Diane as "always" being there for him.

The words "Always" and "Never," in Genoa City are, of course, interchangeable. Years ago, Abbott could "never" forgive Diane for leaving him for Victor. Later, Diane could "never" forgive him for making her believe he cared about her when he only wanted her voting shares to gain control of Newman Enterprises. Within the last few years, Jack could "never" forgive Diane for the pool house fire set-up of his wife Phyllis, whom he would "always" love and "never" leave. Following so far? And these two are "friends?" Alzheimer's victims is more like it.

No doubt, Jack feels some inner obligation and a degree of gratitude to Diane due to her part in Jabot's most recent financial bailout. Still, it's not a good enough reason for the married man to be doing anything else with her other than asking for an appointment to take their son on a toboggan run. Nikki Newman and Brad Carlton each forked over $35 million to keep Jabot running, but no one witnessed Jack swapping any spit with Bradley over that indebtedness. Although it would probably have been less painful to watch.

And lo and behold, for once Diane Jenkins is actually a voice of reason! The shockingness of this act can only be compared to Christine Blair genuinely being pretty, irresistible to all men, and qualified to do her job. Diane, who has a reputation of being willing to stop at nothing to get what she wants, actually put the breaks on any further romantic behavior or relationship building with Jack until he is sure of his feelings. And we can be pretty sure that Diane will be sure that Jack is sure of his feelings in about a week and a half.