Kevin Fisher News Archives 2004
See Also: Part 2

Michael Baldwin  Paul Williams  Lauren Fenmore  Hank Weber  Teens  Kevin Fisher 2003

Inmate Violently Attacked at GC Jail
April 30, 2004

by Brent Kellogg

If ever there was a case for negligence that could drain the Genoa City coffers dry it was made Friday at the Genoa City Jail. Now the question is: will attorney Michael Baldwin see the cash cow glaring at him?

It was just another irritating little side effect, doncha know, of locking up a dangerous man who doesn't really pose a threat to the community and who the cops were forewarned has phobias and should have at the very least placed in a single cell inasmuch as they couldn't bring themselves to place Kevin Fisher on suicide watch.

Within minutes of his being tossed in with the general population of slimy thugs, heroin addicts, sellers of drugs and kiddie porn, Fisher was recognized as an evil "predator" and given what was described as a "blanket party".

What followed was an outrageous, unacceptable, uncalled for demonstration of hate. The violent act of brute force as Fisher was pummeled from one end to the other and left in a motionless heap.

And you can bet that not one of the newspapers in this town - except the GCN - will report that beating. They'll report that Fisher was arrested, they'll report that he gave Lily Winters an STD and probably burned down the RoadKill Cafe but there will be no word of the attack. Especially there will be no pictures. There will be no horrific and grisly scenes of Fisher's crushed skull, almost no actual blood at all. Amazing, isn't it? What a nice, clean act of violence that was. God, where was Dru Winters? She would have paid good money to see Fisher getting what he so deserves.

It's not happening. So please ignore the actual data, the brutality, focus instead on the patriotism and the soothing sound of the war drums and the idea that those damn pesky predators are being taken off the street.

"Oh! Did something happen to one of our inmates?" police officials might ask, and merely claim that what happened to Fisher was a trifle bit of collateral damage. Just an unfortunate side effect of being a prisoner, making it sound like a couple of dishes were broken while cleaning up after dinner. Whoops gosh sorry about your beaten to a pulp brother Mr. Baldwin. There there now, calm down. Here, have some money.

The message is this: attack anyone deemed to be a potential threat, immediate provocation notwithstanding, immediate danger irrelevant. This means anyone. This means jailbirds. Don't like someone because you've heard they are predators? Attack or be attacked. This is the mentality. And where exactly, did these creeps in jail with no intellect, no resemblance to anything human hear that Fisher is a predator? Was Hank Weber sending subliminal messages? Egging them on?

To say that the unwarranted attack on Fisher is a radical and vicious new twist is a glaring understatement at a time when there are frequent fabricated and inflated justifications. It takes thuggish audacity to an entirely new level, one that changes the perspective in a very bleak and desperate manner. Sex is out - violence is in.

There are no words to describe the intense pain. You need to have a look see for yourself. You need a steel stomach and hardened nerves to watch Fisher getting reamed. But in a way, it should be required viewing, something almost everyone should see, especially those who wave flags and think the justice system is so righteous and good and compassionate.

"Mommy! Daddy! Why are those bad man beating on Kevin," your children might ask. It's okay girls and boys. This is what happens when you've been accused of doing something you didn't do and tossed into a gulag on the weakest of evidence. Be thankful. At least Fisher is liberated. Now go to bed. All hail.

Fisher Arrested, Must Survive Closet
April 23, 2004

There comes a time in every raw dumb imperfect beleaguered human's life when she or he has to face the music and pay the piper and fess up to his or her crimes and misdemeanors and where the hell was my brain that time?

We all do it. We all smack our hands to our foreheads and trip on our own ideological shoelaces, and we are thoughtlessly cruel without knowing it, running roughshod over our noble intentions on a daily basis because, well, we are weird. Just ask Sharon Newman. How much more wrong can you get?

But then there's the hard part: We apologize. Profusely, we ask for forgiveness and pray to God or have someone else pray to God for us, or at least offer an olive branch and recognize our messy humanness as the thing that differentiates us from the drone people of Genoa City - like, you know, Sierra NoLastName and Colleen Carlton.

But then there's Paul Williams. He is, apparently, immune. He is perfect and flawless and without the slightest taint of guilt or error, and, despite abandoning his child and having forgotten to get a divorce from or visiting his incarcerated wife, apparently, an angel of purity.

For here is Williams, bungling his way through another insulting investigation. They ask him, repeatedly, why he cannot find a single clue in his slithery need to find Kevin Fisher.

His answer? He doesn't have one. Plants wilt, children cry, semicomatose pigs can't help but wince at Williams' alcoholism-grade detecting skills. Here's a man (sic) with the ability to hound Fisher day in and day out, invade his home like a cheap thug, hue and cry that Fisher confess to crimes and turn himself in. Yet the moment Fisher goes on the lam, Williams, with all his detecting skills and CIA-like operatives in the field and gangster-like connections to credit card companies, can't find hide nor hair of him. Gone without a trace. Clueless.

It is not too much to ask why it took Neil Winters to find what appears to be the evidence that should set Fisher free? Is it too much to expect that Williams should know by now Fisher didn't fry Brittany Hodges?

Sure, Williams is genetically engineered to loathe truth, programmed from birth to shun responsibility and reject blame like Lynne 'Yes-Boss' Bassett denies her lesbian fantasies. But surely one of Williams' puppeteers must've heard on the PI Network that Winters hired a real PI, that crucial information was uncovered and told Williams he might want to compare notes on Fisher.

Maybe it's faux-macho Genoa City pride. Maybe it's dumb-guy humiliation, that feeling that if Williams admits to just one of his defects, he's admitting he hasn't had much of a clue as to what was going on from the outset of this case.

It doesn't stop with Williams. Who could help but recoil in pain as a freeze-dried Hank 'KGB' Weber raced to serve Fisher with another warrant and proceeded to point his scraggy finger at Michael Baldwin for harboring a criminal when it was common knowledge that Fisher had fled the jurisdiction which is, duh, the reason the warrant was issued for bail jumping. Way to go Hank. Make this city proud, honey.

Who could not help but let out a groan of disbelief as Lauren Fenmore, dutifully hired a security guard to watch over her one Little Shop of Horrors employee and the trinkets made by 10-year-old Malaysian girls? Could that explain why Weber found Fisher holed up at the shop Friday and not Williams?

Who did not writhe in agony when Winters went to Baldwin's apartment late that night, knocked on the door so loud there arose such a clatter as to cause the neighbors to wonder what was the matter, babbled on and on that regardless of the fact Fisher had been chained to the toilet much of his life was no excuse for giving his daughter the STD she begged for and then spewed he had information on Kevin that could blow the case wide open but that because he doesn't know what it all means left without so much as giving Baldwin a hint?

Where was Baldwin's head? Don't answer that. Why did he not run after Winters and ask, "Hey! You come pounding on my door late at night, disturb the neighbors, tell me you know something about my brother and then leave without telling me? What in the freaking hell is wrong with you?"

Maybe it is too much to ask. As Genoa City becomes jaded beyond words we've come to expect this level of appalling incompetence.

If Fisher is to be exonerated he'll first have to survive more time in the closet, A.K.A. the Genoa City Jail. A jail where some of the strangest things have happened to the strangest people. Ghouls claiming to be medical personnel have been seen injecting detainees with unknown drugs without so much as the thought of getting a court order. Private investigators and lawyers for the opposing side are often allowed to question detainees without their attorneys present while others simply disappear.

Ray of Hope Shines Brightly as Kevin Fisher is Charged with Bail Jumping!
April 22, 2004

There was a major break in the Kevin Fisher case this week and increasing hope that another innocent man will not go to prison for a crime he did not commit.

Charged with causing the January electrocution of local stripper Brittany Hodges, Fisher failed to appear at a preliminary hearing on Thursday prompting waiting-like-a-vulture for fresh meat police detective Hank 'KGB' Weber to immediately serve an arrest warrant on the additional charge of jumping bail. Unfortunately for the ashconian slime, Weber could not ascertain Fisher's whereabouts.

In a related development businessman Neil Winters, whose daughter was infected with a sexually transmitted disease by Fisher, was seen asking strip club operator Bobby Marsino questions about Fisher's activities on the night Hodges was fried.

In a fact-devoid statement, Marsino said again that Fisher was mad after having been fired as the club's bookkeeper and rather than take his frustrations out on a real man, plotted and lay in wait for Hodges to put on her faux-strip tease act. While the stripper was simulating sex with a metal pole Fisher, crouched under the stage, plugged in the juice so that when Hodges' foot was grounded she came close to becoming a crispy critter.

"The pole was set up by someone who knew what he was doing. He [Fisher] pulled a switch to turn on the power from under the stage," Marsino told investigators at the time.

But in a conflicting statement Marsino would later say that mobster Sal Staley - with strong ties to the Gentlemen's Club - arranged to have Hodges fried because she was a detriment to the club's image and because her father, Fred Hodges, had attempted to have the joint permanently closed down.

Asked if either he or his partner had seen Fisher at the club between the hours of 10P-2A on the night in question, Marsino couldn't say that they had.

The timeline is significant because during the hours when Hodges was being set up to die, a private investigator hired by Winters to keep tabs on Fisher reported he was at home at that time.

His trial set for next month, it would behoove Fisher to turn himself in and not do anything stupid like, causing harm to the woman who posted his bail. As police searched high and low, late word placed Fisher back in Genoa City at Fenmore's Little Shop of Horrors where on-duty clerk Sierra NoLastName reported hearing strange things in the backroom. But, perhaps because she was too busy stuffing her mouth with Oreo's, NoLastName brushed the noise off as "nothing".

Despite that there are still those who want nothing more than to see Fisher go down for something they perceive he did, the prospect of Fisher's going free caused a sigh of relief to spread far and wide across Genoa City. Who could imagine, least of all Fisher, that the man holding the key to his freedom is none other than Neil Winters?

ADA Ordered to Throw Book at Fisher
April 14, 2004

Those Genoa City voyeurs who only get their news from the GCN are asking, "Where's the running commentary on Kevin Fisher?" True, there hasn't been any since the most persecuted man jumped bail a few days ago and split for Detroit to avoid being hounded day and night and having his rights trampled on by the likes of private in-a-mess-tea-gator Paul 'Clueless' Williams and police detective Hank 'KGB' Weber.

Fisher caught a Greyhound out of town and was next seen at his mother's home where he let himself in with an old key he's been carrying around for years, noticed that the reek of nicotine from Gloria Fisher's years of smoking was gone but that she kept a lighter around in case she ever got to urge, and the funny baby picture of his half-brother, Michael Baldwin.

Peeking in the closet where his daddy, 'Terrible' Tom Fisher used to lock him whenever the old man was on the rag, Kevin had visions of those days as a child when he was smacked around like an unwanted dog. When his mother came home they talked about days gone by and Kevin grumbled how nice it would have been had she not gone along with Tom's mad hatter routine.

Gloria's general attitude was that he should just get over the past and move on with his life made Kevin angry. Asked what he thinks she should do to be of service to him now that he's home, Kevin said, "I think you should die."

Gloria was scared. What would possess a young man to say such a thing? Could it be all the times she stood by and did nothing, said nothing to make the old man stop beating on a little boy? Was it because she though there was nothing wrong with leaving a little boy alone, locked in a closet while she was out being wined and dined? Did she think it was okay that a boy is called worthless, told he has big ears and should fly away? Told he can't go out for extracurricular activities at school? Told not to plan on college because he's too dumb to get in?

Realizing she's just as guilty for what Kevin has become, Gloria tried spinning the truth. Oh, she wanted Tom to stop the beatings and the name calling but, golly, Tom wouldn't listen. She couldn't divorce the man because she didn't want to raise a child all by herself. It was so much better for a child to have both parents, to have a family where the father keeps the kids chained to the toilet.

"I guess Tom was a bad man," Gloria hacked, even as Kevin knew that if the slug were to walk through the door after having walked out on her last year she'd take him back with open arms.

That there are millions of creeps like Tom Fisher in the world including Michael Baldwin's father gave Gloria the opportunity to spin some more. Her eldest child is the poster child for battered kids. Just look at Baldwin's accomplishments. "He puts the past behind him," Gloria oozed, and wondered why Kevin couldn't do the same. You only go around once in life so you've got to make the best of it.

With ignorance dripping off her nose, no amount of telling Mrs. Fisher that kids never forget the psychological and physical damage inflicted upon them can ever make it go away would have penetrated her thick skull. Damn kids, you'd think they'd just let sleeping dogs lay.

"I've known people who've been through hard times and they turned out just fine," Gloria bellyached, referring to the boy next door who, as a battered child, went on to medical school. Then there was the crack baby who grew up to become a newspaper reporter. See? All Kevin needs is an Anthony Robbins "Power" course.

That Gloria is a piece of slime become acutely evident when she told Kevin he could stay so long as he doesn't break anything or start any fires. And, oh yeah. Most of all, no loud music. Wouldn't want the neighbors to gossip. What an uncaring bitch. So typical of the helpless women popping out babies right this minute they will never care for or want and wish dead. Is there any wonder Kevin doesn't think about killing the hag?

Apparently aware that going back to the past never changes what happened Kevin made the right decision when he decided to move on. And like the wind - he was gone, leaving the sad, old woman alone and lonely to brush her hair and maybe ask herself, "was that eighty or eighty one strokes?"

Nobody knows where Kevin is headed, but one thing is sure. If he doesn't get back to Genoa City pronto the hatemongers will go on the warpath. Kevin has an as yet unscheduled preliminary hearing to attend and the District Attorney has reportedly told his ace assistant, Christine 'Bug' Blair, to "throw the book" at Fisher should he fail to appear. As if, you know, the Bug were a judge - or something.

Good-bye Cruel World
April 6, 2004

Like so many people in trouble with the law alleged serial lawbreaker Kevin Fisher just can't keep his mouth shut. Having choose to jump bail and flee the jurisdiction, Fisher telephoned Little Shop of Horrors owner Lauren Fenmore this week to say what a bitch she is for having betrayed him, that he's leaving town and is sorry she wouldn't be losing a million dollars instead of the one-hundred-thousand she'll forfeit the moment he leaves the state.

The victim of what would seem a million civil rights violation claims against various law enforcement agencies whose representatives have trashed his rights to death, Fisher's dilemma is somewhat understandable. He's been mentally taunted by pitchfork-wielding teenagers, harassed by dictator-like private investigators, KGB-style police officers, helmet-haired cosmetic spokesgeeks and a bevy of other slime out to lynch him.

Fisher's first mistake was committing at least two of the crimes he's been accused of. His second mistake was confessing said crimes to a woman who he knew was out to fry his ass and his third mistake was in not securing a reputable attorney. Instead, he choose to let his half-brother, and semi-interested lawyer, Michael Baldwin advise him.

To date, Baldwin has done very little with regard to the crimes of arson and sexual molestation Fisher is accused of except to summon Assistant District Attorney Christine 'Bug' Blair on Tuesday to ask if she might be interested to know that his brother is "on a crime spree."

Creepy as always, the Bug squeaked and squealed that there isn't much she can do except to thank Baldwin for tipping off the local Gestapo that Fisher may have jumped bail and if he fails to show up for a "preliminary bail hearing" or commits another crime he'll be "brought back in leg irons."

Maybe it's because he's still in fear of losing his license that made Baldwin not ask, "What preliminary bail hearing? Since my brother has already been granted bail, don't you mean preliminary hearing?"

In Genoa City there is never a shortage of law mangling. It goes on daily like feces floating in the sewers. People with no knowledge of the law pretending to be law experts are rampant. Baldwin, if he knows nothing else, should have found his brother a real lawyer for obviously he has a myopic view of his brother's case and cannot make rational decisions. Had Fisher already been granted a preliminary hearing an alert judge would have spotted the conflict of interest and assigned a public defender.

Should anyone in the judicial system with an ounce of moral fiber in their bones learn that the ADA has offered to help the defendant - as the Bug has - the case would be dismissed. Which is to say that it shouldn't be tried in Genoa City at all since it has become clear Fisher cannot get a fair trial here.

"I'll do what I can," Blair told Baldwin, which really meant that since her claws are now dirty she'll do nothing but hurt Fisher's case since Baldwin told her almost exactly where little brother may be headed. And that disclosure, that Fisher may be headed for Mexico, was mind numbing given that moments earlier Baldwin said of his brother, "I have no idea where he is. His cell has been shut off. He is not using plastic because he's broke and has lousy credit."

Still probing, the Bug got Baldwin to tell that Fisher might go home to Detroit where their mother lives. Next to Mexico, the Motor City was a good bet. Garnering a promise from Baldwin to stay in touch the critter slithered off. And knowing what a slime she is it won't come as any surprise should the next person the Bug tells is that disgusting low-life private investigator, Paul Williams.

Now that he's officially on the run, Fisher says he'll be living in the shadows in some cruel city, hiding out and looking for scraps of food. His fourth mistake, for Fisher should know, there is no city crueler than Genoa.

Fisher Ready To Confess His Sins?
March 30, 2004

The rumor mill is churning out reports that Genoa City's most persecuted and wanted man will soon confess his alleged dastardly deeds to surrogate mother Lauren Fenmore.

Although it's not clear exactly what Kevin Fisher will take responsibility for his detractors are practically out in the streets already waving flags and chanting we shall overcome. The get Fisher mentality is not entirely baseless. He did have sex with a minor and set fire to the RoadKill Cafe.

But whether a crime was committed is something a jury should decide. Fisher could say the fire was accidental and that he was only trying to see in the dark on the night he happened by the cafe and saw a girl inside looking for her grandfather.

Some jury members might see the burning of a toxic, roach-infested restaurant where the manager for years urged patrons to drink while driving and fed young children sugar-laden ice creams and puddings a service to the community.

Some might consider that Colleen Carlton's presence inside the restaurant's walk-in cooler at the time of the blaze purely coincidental and of her own volition.

Jurors might also conclude that Carlton was technically trespassing at the time, that her negligence contributed to her near demise and that said demise may not have been such a bad thing given her history of using mild-altering drugs.

Some members of the jury might consider an underage girl repeatedly told to stay away from Fisher only to ignore the warnings, may have lied about her age and begged him to have sex with her, no fault of Fisher's as there is no medical evidence to show that he was the source of Lily Winters' resulting sexually transmitted disease.

And too, it could be argued that any confession by Fisher was obtained under duress. Considering the Gestapo tactics inflicted by local police he may have become so fearful of being locked up again without due process he'd say anything, even feign mental illness, to avoid so much as one more minute behind bars.

Fisher could claim to be Osama bin Laden and it wouldn't matter. Whatever he confesses to Fenmore at this point would be considered privileged information because she posted his bail and now has a vested interest. Assuming Fisher can get a fair trial in this city whatever somebody says he said would be hearsay.

Brown Shirts Turn Justice on its Head, Taunt Detainees, Urge Bail Denial
March 24, 2004

Further proof that trying to get a fair trial in Genoa City is impossible for those charged with a crime was never more apparent than this week Wednesday when District Attorney Glenn Richards instructed the slimy Christine 'Bug' Blair to cast a spell on criminal suspect Kevin Fisher and make damn certain he be denied bail.

Waving off Blair's concern that Fisher has no criminal record and therefore would most likely be granted bail considering the evidence, Richards expressed the same old rhetoric that for weeks other pitchfork-wielding slugs in this town have been hurling left and right. Fisher is a "dangerous" man who should be locked up and the key thrown away.

Detained at the local gulag overnight Fisher was subsequently charged with aggravated assault and a bail hearing set. Tossed in with the general population Fisher was taunted by other detainees after an unidentified brown shirt spread the word that Fisher is a child molester. Thanks to his vehement pleas for help Fisher was placed in a single cell.

This is what the justice system in Genoa City has come to. Run by J. Edgar Hoover types the Genoa City Police Department has become infiltrated by corrupt cops like Hank 'KGB' Weber and rouge Nazi-like officers.

The District Attorney's Office is no better.

At Fisher's bail hearing the best Blair could offer was that the defendant is "dangerous" and should be denied bail. When the critter saw that the judge wasn't buying her lame reasoning she obscenely suggested a two million dollar bond which the judge promptly cut in half.

The ruling in his favor was of no consequence to Fisher since the judge knew damn well he doesn't have that kind of money and would go right back behind bars. And this is how judges are. In such a rush to get back out on the golf course to cut deals with their rich pals they can't be bothered with the fact that right now all across America the little people (mostly African-American) are being locked up, their cases based on tainted and trumped-up evidence. Sentenced to death for marijuana possession as their useless lawyers sleep through the proceedings.

It's too much to ask that an avenging angel swoop down upon bastards like Richards and Weber and bitches like Blair and cut them off at the knees. Same goes for little cockroaches such as Lily Winters who snickered and smirked this day that she hopes Fisher rots in jail for what he did to her. Something she begged for and is too goddamn shameless and whorelike to accept more than the slightest responsibility.

Thank God for Lauren Fenmore. Despite the fact that she's nearly as creepy as the rest of the sad little freaks she hangs around with, Fenmore has the good sense to see what is being done to Fisher. And like so many who have become fed up with the injustice of it all came forward to say she'll post the ten-percent of the one-million it'll take to spring Fisher.

With his half-brother and client free it would behoove Michael Baldwin to immediately file a change of venue. There are dozens of other cities where Fisher can get a fair trial. Genoa City isn't one of them.

Welcome to Nazi Germany! Crime Suspect Locked Up Without Charges!
March 22, 2004

Although police have yet to charge Kevin Fisher with a specific crime the unemployed bookkeeper will spend at least one night behind bars based on circumstantial evidence.

Meeting Monday deep inside the bowels of Genoa City's gulag with his lawyer and half-brother, Michael Baldwin, Fisher revealed for the first time that in addition to a pair of wire cutters - a tool police detective Hank 'KGB' Weber says is rarely found in the common home - a pair of sneakers was taken too during the second search of his apartment last week.

As civil libertarians following this case cringed and shuddered, Baldwin explained that the Nike's are critical because, worn on Fisher's feet, they would have picked up fibers found only on the floor of the Gentlemen's Club where Fisher is suspected to have been the night stripper Brittany Hodges was electrocuted.

Baldwin did not entertain the possibility that if Fisher did what he is accused of he would have almost certainly tossed the sneaks into the washing machine following the caper.

As for the wire cutters, Baldwin confirmed the police contention that - like bullets fired from guns - cutters leave unique marks on metal poles on which they are used. And again, Baldwin did not argue the point that adept users of wire cutters use the tool to cut wire - not to scrape indentations on poles or anything else.

Before declaring that Baldwin and the police are mangling the law and the facts again, I contacted a real life criminal defense lawyer, Howie Suem (not his real name).

"Don't tell me you're calling again about something happening on that silly soap," were the first words out of Suem's mouth.

"Actually, yes. I am," I said, before going on to pose the question, "Do wire cutters leave unique marks?"

"How long have you been covering this soap? What is it, something like twenty years? Shouldn't you have a real job? Haven't you learned already that 99-percent of the legal mumbo-jumbo you hear on soaps is made up and that you've got to double-check the other one-percent?" Suem said.

"Yes, I know all this. But the wire cutters thing threw me off. In the interest of accuracy I wanted to hear it from a real legal eagle. I don't need a lecture," I grumbled.

Suem went on. "Forget the wire cutters. Forget the shoes. Forget that this Fisher guy hasn't been charged but is spending the night in the tank. It doesn't matter what the evidence is. If the cops in any city in any state want to build a case against someone, they'll manufacture the evidence. Haven't you been paying attention? Haven't you heard about the WMD's in Iraq? That's a perfect example. If you're on the cops hit list, they're going to do whatever they can with whatever means possible to put you away."

"Are you saying wire cutters don't make unique marks?" I persisted.

"You'd have to be dyslectic. I mean, wire cutters are for cutting wire. How could anyone gouge anything while cutting wire unless they're dyslectic? Now get off my phone. I'm a busy man," Suem barked.

"But you didn't answer my question!" I whined.

"Oh, but I did. Want to hear it again? It doesn't matter! If there's a trial the DA will probably have a paid expert to say cutters make unique marks. It'll be up to the defense to have its own expert to say they don't. The shoes part is a joke. I doubt they'd be admitted into evidence because Fisher worked at the hoochie club. In the end it'll be up to the jury to sort out the fact from the fiction. If you know anything about juries you know they can be easy swayed because for the most part they're ignorant. If they like the prosecutor they'll buy whatever he's selling," Suem said.

"So, Justice in America is a crap shoot?" I asked.

"You said it," were Suem's final words as he hung up the phone.

Smoking Wire Cutters Found!
March 17, 2004

Following the arrest of Genoa City's most wanted man earlier this week police Detective Hank 'KGB' Weber announced on Wednesday that Kevin Fisher has not yet been charged with a crime! The declaration was but another of the maddening blunders Weber and his goon squad have made since the outset of this case to "take down" a person of interest based solely on political correctness.

In what has become a general embarrassment more than an actual force to be taken at all seriously, Fisher was hauled down to the cop shop where he was smacked around verbally and threatened while Weber fondled his gun and made stunning statements.

"We have a girl who has a permanent scar on her face. She could have easily been killed," Weber oozed of local stripper Brittany Hodges whom Fisher is accused of electrocuting as she performed a simulated sex act with a metal pole.

In handcuffs, Fisher swore up and down that he didn't do anything to Hodges and couldn't piece together Weber's skewed logic that because Fisher - like millions of Americans - was recently fired from his job he must have therefore been mad about it and took his anger out on Hodges.

Repeatedly warning Fisher that he could be spending the next several years inside a dank and gray room unless in the meantime he can maybe become a sleazy senator like the one in South Dakota that ran a man down with his speeding vehicle and got off with a slap on the wrist, Weber revealed the smoking gun found in Fisher's apartment prior to the arrest.

A pair of wire cutters!

"Not many people have them [wire cutters]" Weber actually said, causing a massive shudder to run up and down the streets of Genoa City as a collective citizenry ran inside its homes to check. Wire cutters in the kitchen drawer, a pair in the utility room, a pair in the tool box, wire cutters in the car trunk and two pair in the basement. Wire cutters everywhere!

Trying to make Weber understand that just about everyone in America, except perhaps Gestapo-like crooked cops, own at least one pair of wire cutters, Fisher was dumbfounded. What, exactly, did Weber mean when he said that the cutters were used to "set up the pole" at the strip club that fateful night? Had Weber been pilfering cocaine from the evidence room?

"You trained as an electrician," Weber spat at Fisher, only adding insult to the insane way of thinking that because someone once worked as a piano mover makes them a concert pianist or that characters on a soap opera are real people.

Upset that Fisher had begun laughing at Genoa City's biggest joke, Weber declared that should marks made on the stripper's pole match Fisher's wire cutters, the police could consider another mangled case closed. Besides that Weber said a witness can place Fisher at the strip club - along with twenty or thirty other desperate for sex witnesses who were there that night. None of whom where seen tinkering with the pole.

Before Weber's atrocious obfuscations and outright lies could continue Fisher's attorney and half-brother, Michael Baldwin intervened. Weber had to be reminded again that this is still America. Persons charged with crimes are not to be questioned without legal representation.

"He hasn't been charged yet," Weber snarled, deliberately and systematically mutilating the justice system and all it once stood for.

Without wondering why his client was arrested but not charged, and as even more painful polyps of sadness and disgust due to Weber's onslaught crawled around the floor like maggots in cow manure, Baldwin was hopeful of arranging Fisher's bail.

In addition to being rather horrified and appalled, what this town without pity should be asking itself is just what sort of human - not what sort of cop, mind you, not what sort of power broker, not what sort of failed police lackey - but what sort of human being engages in such insidious ongoing legal-gouging?

It is not an easy question to answer, as again the people here must wonder what has gone so horribly wrong. What sort of line has been crossed so that not even the basic dignity of jurist prudence is the slightest factor anymore in modern American law enforcement.

Weber is a cop, after all, who truly believes he is doing God's will by turning this city into the most lawless, nationally loathed aggressor in Wisconsin, something very reassuring to those countless thousands of innocent people on death row.

The utterly draconian Patriot Act giving the police appalling new powers to monitor e-mail and Web-site visits and credit card usage and telephone calls without warning or warrant or even probable cause is bad enough without Weber trying to shove a pair of wire cutters down our throats.

Hank 'KGB' Weber Gets His Man!
March 16, 2004

It was a sad day Tuesday for justice in Genoa City.

Armed with a search warrant - which read more like an indictment - police detective Hank Weber instructed his goons to search Kevin Fisher's apartment. While insisting that Genoa City's most wanted man had "motive and intent to electrocute one Brittany Hodges", Weber babbled that items found at the crime scene clearly prove that Fisher committed the crime. Never mind that no fingerprints were found, or that other suspects with motive and wanted Hodges out of the way haven't been questioned. Weber made it clear that the political pressure is on. Fisher must go down.

"How do you know I'm not here to whack you over the head when you make a grab for my service weapon?" Weber brazening asked when Fisher figured out that the cops will do anything to make him the fall guy.

Fisher's point, that had he anything to hide he would have scrubbed his apartment clean especially since it had been searched previously, was brushed off by Weber like so much belly button lint. His warped theory being that since Fisher slipped through the cracks the first time, he would have become overconfident.

Told so many times by his brother to keep his mouth shut when the Gestapo is trampling on his rights and to have a lawyer present during questioning, Fisher happily gave up details as to what happened the day Hodges was fried. Mad that he had been fired and angry that Hodges may have had something to do with his termination, Fisher said he'd never hurt her for fear the skag's boyfriend would give him a good whooping. And yes, he tried dating Hodges, was turned down, but that was no reason to attempt murder.

Before Weber's interrogation could continue the goon squad showed him - something. The as yet unidentified object was enough for Weber to arrest Fisher on the spot.

What awaits Fisher at the county jail can only be imagined.

Will Fisher's captors try to give him a mystery injection as they did Tricia McNeil? Will there be psychological torture and mind-games in attempts to make Fisher confess to acts he never committed? Will prostitutes be brought in to degrade him? Fisher could be mistaken for a Muslim and it's common practice in some American detention centers for devout Muslims to be exposed to "unveiled" women and forced to watch as the hookers touch their own naked bodies. Sound unbelievable? Can't happen in Genoa City?

Hank 'KGB' Weber has shown his true colors. Just another crooked cop. Willing to say anything, do anything, so long as he gets his man.

Winters Seek Lawsuit Against Fisher!
March 5, 2004

As if further evidence was needed to show that everything in Genoa City is interwoven and that potent juicy mystical secrets are everywhere if one knows where to look, Jabot Cosmetics Spokesgeek Dru Winters will soon announce the she knows there's a pot of gold beneath the Kevin Fisher rainbow of hate.

It was another of those it could only happen in Genoa City moments.

Following a discussion with her loving spouse Neil, about what they should do to prevent their darling daughter from committing another totally off the wall act of stupidity, and having been informed that attorney Michael Baldwin is Fisher's brother, Mrs. Winters has come to the brilliant conclusion that Baldwin should help her file a lawsuit against Fisher!

Besides what could be the dumbest thing anyone in Genoa City has ever heard, what supposedly Winters stands to gain is all relative to those who hold the power. Often, just behind the facade of things is a huge hunk of gorgeous convoluted magic ripe for the licking. The divine meaning is right there, winking, sighing heavily, waiting for some sucker to bite. Like, duh.

It makes no sense that Baldwin would help anyone take legal action against a member of his family. If Winters wants to waste time and money let her get a lawyer with no vested interest. Like the many private detectives swirling about the streets - as Neil Winters has said he hired one briefly to follow Fisher but called it off when he found out the most useless and clueless PI in town was already on the case - there must be thousands of lawyers willing to drain her bank account dry.

Yes, Baldwin is just so slimy he'd undoubtedly sellout his own mother. But what are the charges? What can Winters hope to profit? Fisher is unemployed, has no pot to pee in and there isn't an iota of proof to show that he in any way gave the Winters girl a sexually transmitted disease which is all the Winters have to go on.

If there is any reasoning behind Winters' absurd thinking it's that by taking legal action she can tell her daughter, "Look Lily, you can stop following Fisher around because we're going to take him down. Yes, honey. It's true. We told you a million times to stay away from Fisher but you slept with him anyway. Now that you're stalking him and may be thinking of taking him down all by yourself we want to protect you. That's why we've asked Fisher's brother to help us."

An incendiary little edge-of-the-seat packed like a hot sausage with combustible and wonderfully damning nonsense and insinuation and unresearched tidbits is just the drama Genoa City needs now that the Newman bribery case has come to an end. That Dru Winters will, actually, have the gall to ask Baldwin to help her sue his own brother makes perfect sense. So it must be true.

Who Killed Kevin Fisher?
March 4, 2004

The warning signs that another murder is about to take place in Genoa City became crystal clear this week when 16-year-old high school student Lily Winters announced that the sexually transmitted disease - she allegedly caught from Internet predator Kevin Fisher - has departed the dark and murky depths between her legs.

As happens so painfully often in this city, those who should be falling to their knees and thanking God they don't have brain cancer and only six months to live are never satisfied. Winters, in a raging fit, blamed the demonic Fisher for having changed the course of her miserable life and said whenever she sees Fisher she gets so angry she wants to follow him around and...

Winters' impure thoughts were interrupted when her mother, the one person in town who knows evil best, Dru Winters blurt out that antagonizing a "dangerous man" like Fisher would not be wise.

While asked to "promise" not to add to the long list of stupid things she's done, Lily Winters avoided a direct response leading some to say privately, "Damn, but what that girl isn't going to take the law into her own hands."

Further evidence that Fisher is a dead man walking surfaced when hunkmonkey J.T. Hellstrom, having only recently told his girlfriend, Raul Guittierez, to stop threatening Fisher was seen again on Thursday at the Newman Jitter Joint doing just that.

Not only does Hellstrom have a friend who can't go out into public because of a miniscule scar on her face thanks to what he perceives is something Fisher did, but there are other goofy teenaged girls in this city scared half to death because Fisher is a "psycho".

In addition, Hellstrom said that he is "sick" of seeing Fisher out in public.

Also gunning again for Fisher is Winters' father, Neil, who said this week that he is going to see to it personally that Michael Baldwin's "scum" brother "pays dearly" for giving his daughter an STD.

Additionally, Cupid's mistress, Colleen Carlton would like nothing more than to stick a knife into Fisher's cold heart or pull the trigger of a nice assault weapon if it means getting rid of Fisher. He did, after all, make her enter a empty and dark restaurant and into the freezer where she was locked while the place burned to the ground.

Then there's Fisher's former employer, a clueless private detective and Fisher's latest so-called victim, Brittany Hodges who want nothing more than to see Fisher gone.

And oh yes, there are so many repressed, buried or otherwise ignored and unspeakable details of divinity floating in the air that must be forgotten, like the fact Ms Winters begged Fisher to have sex with her and followed him around after repeatedly told not to. Like the fact Hellstrom sucks around a minor child, but has the audacity to accuse Fisher of statutory rape.

The hypocrisy is so thick it's all anyone can do to breathe deeply anymore without gagging on all the repressed sexuality and stale machismo.

This much we know. There are at least seven persons who have in one form or another said that Fisher must "pay" for his dastardly deeds.

The saber rattling has grown so loud that core beliefs are now being questioned. Hmm, maybe this means something slightly more, you know, potent. And wicked. And dangerous. In a good way. Who is going to kill Kevin Fisher?

Persecuted Kevin Fisher Was Battered Child; May Need Rehabilitation!
February 23, 2004

Unemployed bookkeeper Kevin Fisher will not be charged with kidnapping or reckless endangerment for holding Little Shop of Horrors owner Lauren Fenmore against her will last week.

Never in any real danger, Fenmore was subsequently released when Fisher's threats to commit suicide were interrupted by his half-brother, Michael Baldwin.

Armed with a search warrant, issued by a sleepy judge without probable cause and based on vague allegations made by an inept private investigator, police detective Hank Weber was completely unaware of the events which had preceded his early morning visit to Fisher's apartment. The search failed to turn up any evidence that Fisher was connected with a recent attempt on the life of local stripper Brittany Hodges.

A registered gun confiscated at the scene is expected to be returned with no questions asked.

An attorney, Baldwin's weak objection to the search was overridden when a distraught Fisher gave his consent as if either one of them could have stopped it. Considering the search failed to turn up anything Baldwin is not expected to take legal action against police for harassment in that it sought a frivolous warrant based on hearsay and innuendo.

Suspicions that Fisher does evil things because he was battered as a child were confirmed by Fisher himself when he revealed that his brother watched the beatings for years and did nothing to stop it.

His weak case against Fisher a complete bust, PI Paul Williams has vowed to press on. "I want him off the streets," he said, painfully eluding to the fact that unless Fisher confesses he will probably remain free to strike again.

Meantime, Fenmore has developed a strange case of empathy for her captor.

"He'd never hurt me," she said of Fisher, noting that after all the time spent with a young man who hears his mother's voice when she speaks, nobody has seen the pain in Fisher's eyes like she has.

As useless as he is clueless, Williams remains apprehensive. "I don't want to have to worry about him coming after you," he told Fenmore when it became obvious that she'd like to help with Fisher's rehabilitation.

That Fisher didn't end up in jail charged with a crime for which there is no proof is indeed, a miracle. Whether he can be rehabilitated is questionable as undoubtedly those pitchfork-holding teenage girls out to get him will find ways to keep taunting and pushing until Fisher does something crazy.

It is a good thing that Fisher is a free man, but the way it went down was a slap in the face given the message sent.

Sadly, battered children are inherently evil and grow up to become very dangerous adults. They are strongly overshadowed by the outspoken fire breathers who attempt to set the definition of righteousness and delineate what actions should be taken.

And God knows battered kids cannot love.

No matter what Fisher's final outcome, the past week will go down as one of those defining moments in Genoa City history. It hearkens back to when the very bad Michael Baldwin tried to harm Christine Blair. After a few years in prison, and with the blessing of his victim, he showed the world that evil can be overcome if one is willing to accept the loving concern shown them by the righteous likes of Blair and Lauren Fenmore.

Apartment Search Comes Up Empty, Kevin Fisher Free to Go!
February 23, 2004

An early morning police raid at the apartment of suspected arsonist Kevin Fisher has failed to produce any evidence connecting the unemployed bookkeeper with the recent electrocution of local stripper, Brittany Hodges.

A warrant was issued to search the apartment following allegations by private investigator Paul Williams that electrical equipment reportedly seen inside was an indication Fisher had been "playing with wires and switches."

Reached for comment at his bat cave Williams appeared to be on the brink of tears. "Police turned the place upside down. [The] search was a complete bust," Williams said.

No charges were filed against Fisher.

Kevin Fisher Case Reaches Hilarious Conclusion!
February 20, 2004

There are things that make people living in Genoa City truly grateful, along with plenty of things that make them hyper-aware that they live in the country's most backward closed-minded convoluted messed-up bubble the world has ever known.

With his woman out with the city's most "dangerous man" for going on something like five hours private investigator Paul 'Clueless' Williams, and his side-kick J.T. Hellstrom, held off their rush to get to crazed fry-cook Kevin Fisher's apartment where it was suspected Lauren Fenmore might be in serious trouble.

Pacing back and forth at the Clueless bat cave Williams and Hellstrom anxiously awaited the arrival of a semi-real detective, Hank Weber. Although it was nearly 1AM, an alert-looking Weber had no problem with being summoned at the ungodly hour and happily listened as Williams babbled that he had information sure to nail Fisher as the culprit who fried local stripper Brittany Hodges.

His memory not what it once was, Weber asked if the stripper in question was the same as that who had recently been shocked within an inch of her life at the infamous Gentlemen's Club.

Before Williams could answer Hellstrom quipped, "he damn near electrocuted her," as if there was a difference between being shocked and electrocuted.

Aware that what little he's learned about Fisher is "circumstantial" evidence at best, Williams pulled out the smoking gun. Kevin Fisher, like hundreds of other people with common electrical knowledge, had once been an electricians apprentice. This, plus some duct tape and a tool box found illegally at Fisher's apartment, linked him to the Hodges case.

"He was playing with wires and switches," Williams proudly belched, followed immediately by one of the most ignorant statements Hellstrom has ever made during his short meaningless life.

"Strange for a bookkeeper," Hellstrom burped.

Trying very hard not to burst out laughing, Weber did not tell Hellstrom that there was nothing the least bit strange about a bookkeeper having electrical equipment given that he was once an electricians assistant and that Williams and Hellstrom's entire premise was predicated on this fact.

To bolster his case, Williams snorted that Fisher had an axe to grind after being fired from his job thanks to a pack of pitchfork-holding teenage girls. Because of this, Fisher tried to kill Hodges.

Asked where Fisher might be at this late hour, Williams muttered that he was seen over an hour ago leaving the Athletic Supporter with Little Shop of Horrors owner, Lauren Fenmore. Incredibly, Williams noted that Fenmore should have been at the bat cave long ago but hadn't arrived and he had been standing around all this time trying to find his ass.

"Do you think she's in danger," Weber asked.

"I don't know," Williams actually said, pointing out to Weber that Fenmore had been trying to entrap Fisher into saying something that could be used against him.

Weber must have known at this point that he was dealing with the sorriest pack of boobs and wannabe cops on the planet for he said, "I hate it when you people get cute."

A snarling Williams fired back that he, the most clueless PI in the universe, had made more progress in one night that the entire police department had in weeks.

"I've uncovered evidence no one else has," Williams lied, as what little Williams has learned was common knowledge he picked up secondhand.

When a skeptical Weber asked if anyone had seen the physical evidence Williams claimed to know about, Hellstrom said that Lily Winters had seen it when she entered Fisher's apartment illegally.

The hair on Weber's back stood on end when he heard this. And just what was Winters doing in Fisher's apartment, he wondered.

"Does it matter?" Hellstrom replied, and Weber, obviously bored to tears must have thought, gosh, no. It doesn't matter that Fisher's apartment was searched illegally and that what he was hearing from Hellstrom was hearsay.

Nevertheless, the law mangling went on when Williams insisted Weber get a search warrant right then and there. Surely, there was a slew of sleepy judges just waiting for his call.

Before making the call Weber asked if Williams was really sure it was important enough to wake up a judge.

Worried that someone might be getting hurt as they spoke, like, duh, Lauren Fenmore, Williams said it was. And as sure as Izzy Williams is rotting in a jail somewhere having never been afforded a lawyer or a trial, Weber got his warrant and within minutes was at Fisher's apartment.

The twin PIs didn't tag along, Instead, they waited for Fenmore to arrive at the bat cave.

"I was so worried," Williams told her, and incredibly Fenmore didn't say, "You weren't so worried you bothered to get off your ass and come check on me. Don't you know I've been with that dangerous man all night? Kevin pulled a gun on me! It was really scary. What in hell have you and monkeyboy here being doing?"

Armed with a warrant, Weber handed it to Michael Baldwin who had easily convinced his half-brother to give up the gun and let Fenmore go. Between hugs and kisses Baldwin scanned the warrant. Like most issued in Genoa City it was based on vague evidence. Still, because brother Kevin had thrown in the towel, Baldwin allowed Weber to conduct the search.

Nobody can say for sure, but if the apprehension of Mrs. Williams is any indication, it was the end of Kevin Fisher. Undoubtedly he'll be tossed into a cell with the loony Tricia Dennison never to be heard from again.

Main Event to Capture Fisher Cancelled
February 17, 2004

Management at the Genoa City Athletic Supporter couldn't say when the announcement was made over the club's PA system. The main event of the spectacular Valentine's Day Dance had been cancelled.

Guests who had come solely for the purpose of watching Genoa City's very own clueless private detective demonstrate the fine art of dangerous person capture didn't seem to notice, nor did they ask why Paul Williams failed to show up as promised.

Major players in the plot to entrap Kevin Fisher, Colleen Carlton and J.T. Hellstrom went ice skating, while their crime-fighting partners who had bragged how sweet it would be watching Williams take Fisher down, the Oreo-eating Sierra NoLastName and Lily Winters, managed to slip away without notice as did Winters' parents.

Despite the late hour, Dru Winters checked in at the office for a missing orchid update presumably unaware that her husband, a recovering alcoholic, had last been seen at the dance ordering a martini.

That Fisher's capture would not come this night unfazed Brad and Ashley Carlton too. The happily reunited with reality Mrs. Carlton was engrossed in a conversation with the Newmans as to how they might "move on" with their miserable lives and let bygones be bygones.

As for Fisher, those expecting his demise did not express concern when he left the party with the lovely Lauren Fenmore on his arm.

Damning evidence found! Are Kevin Fisher's days numbered?
February 13, 2004
by Brent Kellogg

As Paul Williams continued badgering attorney Michael Baldwin as to why he would allow Fisher into his office much less give Fisher legal advise, there was a growing concern on Friday over why Williams has repeatedly said that Baldwin wants Fisher off the streets as much as everyone else. Baldwin has asked his brother to leave town, but not for the same reasons as those cheesy crusaders out to keep Genoa City safe from predators.

Apparently aware that he was wasting his time running to Baldwin's office every five minutes Williams became agitated when the lawyer kept bringing up the fact that this is still America and people have a right to be represented in legal matters. Getting nowhere, Williams threatened to approach Fisher as if Fisher would actually tell him anything that would make any difference in whatever it is Williams is trying to accomplish.

Perceiving this as a threat, Baldwin got squirmy and before a group of angry demons with pitchforks wanting him dead rushed in to stick him, Baldwin confessed that Fisher is his brother.

Meantime, J.T. Hellstrom was reporting to his girlfriend, Raul Guittierez, that life as a PI in training had him out on the streets at all hours following Fisher and that he had witnessed the suspected firebug coming out of a lawyer's office. Like his mentor, Hellstrom didn't know what this meant, but it was a good thing because once he and Charlie's Angels were through with Fisher he'd need a good attorney.

In a related and bizarre development, Jabot spokesmodel Dru Winters and mother of 'angel' Lily Winters, reported to her husband that she knew all about the plan to take Fisher down and that Neil Winters should not be shocked and awed when the event unfolded before their very black and sunken eyes at the Valentine's Day dance they would be attending.

At about the same time, 'angel' Colleen Carlton alerted her VD dance-going father and his wife that Fisher would be at the dance with Lauren Fenmore and that it was all an elaborate plan Williams and Hellstrom had cooked up to "get something on" Fisher that will "put him away for good." Heaven forbid the Carltons might do something to give the plan away.

A creeped out Brad Carlton was incensed. How dare Fisher attend the same dance his darling daughter would be at? Isn't there some law they could have Fisher charged with breaking?

Totally out of the loop for weeks and knowing next to nothing about Fisher, the formerly lost in a fog sperm-thieving Ashley Carlton hacked, "We should be able to avoid Fisher long enough for Paul to make a case. We all want him put away for good."

Make a case? Were they talking about a book case? Was the takedown of Kevin Fisher going to be like a dramatic ending to a mystery novel?

But the mind-numbing didn't stop there.

A few moments later the Oreo-eating 'angel' Sierra NoLastName was seen asking the pubescent Carlton if she thought Fenmore could really pull it off. Boy, oh boy, this was going to be a night they'd long remember if she could. Carlton smirked that Fisher need only make one little "slip" and it would be curtains.

Just when it looked as if all their ducks were in a row, 'angel' Lily Winters surfaced to tell Hellstrom that she had found the smoking gun! Yes, when she broke into Fisher's apartment earlier using a key he had given her and conveniently forgotten about and never changed the locks when she ratted him out to the cops as the one who gave her an STD, she had found the most incriminating evidence sure to get Fisher the electric chair.

A tool box containing a roll of duct tape!

To prove again just what an idiot he is, Hellstrom snorted, duh, "I didn't know Kevin was such a handy man." Then, as if he hadn't already made a fool of himself, Hellstrom said he hoped Fisher would have a few drinks too many and tell Fenmore all about the crimes he's committed.

Is it any wonder that people will be cheering when Fisher goes down? Not because he's a bad guy, but because this sad and stunningly stupid, B-drama will have ended just as questions are being raised like, oh my freaking god, what the hell is wrong with me? Why do I watch this crap?

3 little girls, girlie-boy to reopen personal Homeland Security office?
February 9, 2004

Watch out! Simpering prickmonkeys J.T. Hellstrom, Colleen Carlton and Lily Winters are reopening their personal Homeland Security Office which means Oreo-eating Sierra NoLastName can't be far behind. These children of the corn, one of whom can barely get out of bed in the morning while the others dream of Valentine's Day dances and recover from STDs as the lone adult male of the pack ponders what having sex with a minor will be like, have again become hell-bent on taking Kevin Fisher down.

And they say Fisher is the "crazy" one.

Since their failure to prove that Fisher torched the RoadKill Cafe, tried to turn Carlton into a crispy critter or gave Winters an STD, the 3 teens and 1 adult have apparently concluded what most of Genoa City already know. Private investigator Paul 'Clueless' Williams has no plan whatsoever to do the job, hasn't lifted a finger to at least assign one of his "operatives" to follow Fisher or bother to ask Hellstrom what he learned during the short time the junior PI was on a "stakeout" which consisted of waiting at the Newman Jitter Joint for Fisher to drop by.

And they may be wondering why Clueless invited himself to solve the case if all he was going to do was, well, nothing but play kissy-face with Lauren Fenmore who, it would seem, is the only person heretofore with any interest in nabbing Fisher. And while Fenmore is no spring chicken and who, pray tell, who will take inventory at the Little Shop of Horrors if she's out playing PI, it is pretty much a forgone conclusion that Fenmore will get in on the action by allowing Fisher to "date" and then maybe keep her in a cage located somewhere in Colorado.

It's one thing for Fenmore and Clueless to relive their fantasies, but for Hellstrom and his pack of misfits to have the time to play cops and robbers is quite another. As a direct and approximate result of their lewd acts, Hellstrom and the girls will cause many to suffer outrage, anger and embarrassment. Mostly because they have no idea how to translate all the little voices screaming in their heads and are rather scary sad whiny trembling little worms whom you sort of look at and wonder just how the hell they survived on this planet for this long, how they speak in semi-coherent sentences, or how they use the bathroom without screeching and panicking and bashing their cute heads into the wall over and over again until they either faint or start singing love songs in the voice of one of Alvin and The Chipmunks. Which, come to think of it, Hellstrom has been known to do.

Of more interest would be the pregnancy of a 17-year-old Carlton at which time Hellstrom could show whether he's a man or the hairless-chest boy who runs at the first sign of responsibility. NoLastName could appear in a documentary called "Super Size Me" as a fast-food guinea pig while Winters, wanting to be like her role modeling mother, trains to be a gum-snapping evil cosmetics queen and wannabe gangsta thug who wears her pants around her knees and can barely walk and has a cellphone pressed to her radioactive head at all times burping, "Yo! What's up yo? You know what I'm saying yo?"

In general, this is the message: Solving crime and bringing criminals to justice in Genoa City should be left to the experts, not a pack of ignorant school kids. And especially not a sissy pretending to be a bad-ass who should really be bird-doggin' chicks and bangin' beaver his own age.

Strip club plagued by loan recall, bookkeeper terminated
by Vicki Johns
January 16, 2004

Kevin Fisher joined the millions of Americans on the unemployment rolls on Friday and word has it that this time it wasn't even George W.'s fault.

Wisconsin being an "at will" employment state – meaning employers can fire you for any damn reason they please – Bobby Marsino did just that. Without giving Kevin the simplest of reasons such as "you don't comb your hair" or "your crabs are infesting my sofa" or even the basic "you fart too much," the diminutive psychotic pyromaniac was off to monster.com searching under the topic "accounting, porn shops, various."

Seems as if Kevin's problems won't end with trying to figure out how many days a 6-ounce can of Chicken of the Sea will last. Now he's got Dazed Detective Clueless and his newest sidekick, Clueless Jr., (J.T. Hellstrom) hot on his trail. Because these two muck-ups are cooking up a foolproof plan so ingenious, so foolproof, so masterful that Sharon Newman herself could have thought of it.

What is this stroke of brilliance? We can only guess. It's sequestered away in the annals of the ne'er used and miniscule remote gray matter of Paul Williams. We do know that the undertaking may be "dangerous" for many involved, or so the gumshoe says. Now that's saying something. Because when a rapist and child abandoner labels something "dangerous," you know we're talking serious.

We do know that Paul is very willing to put the life of a 20-year-old college student, considered by many to be "heroic" totally at risk. Fully aware that Kevin Fisher is guilty of statutory rape, of giving an STD to a minor, and most likely guilty of arson and attempted murder, Paul has instructed J.T. to continue to engage in activities akin to sticking a hot poker in the crazed, angry and unemployed psychotic's eye. Safe, productive and effective goal-achieving behavior that surely Mr. and Mrs. Hellstrom would fully and whole-heartedly endorse, as would any nurturing and loving parents.

And speaking of idiots fond of sticking hot fiery pokers in the eyes of people who would have no problem leaving a horse's head on their beds, Fred Hodges has pulled the loan on Marsino's. The question is, what's a reputable bank like First Federal of Genoa City doing with a loan on a mob-connected strip club? People who have last names ending in vowels and whose first names are "Sal, Bobby, Angelo, Gino, Tony, and Vinnie" don't need the downtown boy's money. They got their own stash and it's one Chase and Citicorp can only dream about. Even if Bobby was using clean bank money to finance his sleazy little operation, he'd have sent Mr. Hodges a love note in the form of permanent paralysis the minute Fred started his Pat Robertson campaign six weeks ago.

Of course, once Clueless and Clueless Jr.'s plans for snagging Kevin Fisher go down in flames, and Fred Hodges and Jimmy Hoffa are doing lunch, Kevin could apply for Fred's old job. Their hairstyles are basically the same, Kevin's got a college degree, has no trouble doing business with gangsters, thieves or other banks, and he surely knows where all the best strip clubs in town are. Sounds like things could be looking up for Mr. Fisher, after all.

Fisher's ties to city more bizarre
January 8, 2003

When it was learned late last year that strip club employee Kevin Fisher and attorney Michael Baldwin are brothers there was much ooing and aweing and wondering how in hell two wackos with such diverse personality disorders could be related. As the shock wore off most everyone came to accept the explanation that Fisher and Baldwin share the same mother, but not the same father and that Fisher's father, Baldwin's step-dad, abandoned the family and their mother took up with another man and neither have been seen for years.

The brother's did not mention their parents by name, but the Genoa City News has learned that the mother could very well be this city's oldest living slut, Lauren Fenmore!

Sure, there will be those who will shake their heads and scream it can't be, but think about it. If Katherine Sterling can become Jill Abbott's mother after all these years and Bobby Marsino can say he's lived in Genoa City for sixteen years, who's to say Fenmore didn't have a couple of one night stands years ago and paid some barren women to claim the babies as their own?

Purely speculation at this point, the possibility began growing legs following reports that Fisher has noticed a similarity between Fenmore's laugh and that of his mother.