Teens News Archives - 2004
See also: Colleen Carlton  Sierra NoLastName  Kevin Fisher  J.T. Hellstrom

Not On My Watch!
June 10, 2004

by Brent Kellogg

Astonishing, this headline, ripped straight from the pages of Political Monthly, so you know it must be authoritative and irrefutable and dorky and almost entirely pointless. So it must be true. Torture does not happen on the President's watch.

This political reference is made because of what happened, among all the other strange things, this week at the Newman Project construction site. The bizarre statement that oozed between the lips of project coordinator Mac Browning that caused plants to wilt, children to cry, even semi comatose cats couldn't help but wince at her weird Soma-grade deflection. What a surreal and sad existence these kids swim in.

As hunkmonkey J.T. Hellstrom bawled that he wanted to "kill" that "punk" Daniel Romalotti for having the gall to say Colleen Carlton did the right thing when she dumped him because he would have dumped her as soon as his non-existent singing career took off, Browning interjected long enough to say that there can be no rowdiness at the great Victor Newman's job site.

"I know. That's what stopped me," Hellstrom sniveled, pointing out that he didn't want to get Browning in trouble or maybe yank the clipboard she's become attached to out of her butt. But damn, if it were anyplace else, like the Newman Jitter Joint, he would have bore his hairless chest and scared the bejesus out of Romalotti.

"Not on my watch!" Browning snorted, as if she's the captain of the USS Genoa - or something.

In a related development not so far away, teens Brittany Hodges and Raul Guittierez were fussing and feuding again over whether she loves sugar daddy Bobby Marsino. Fed up that his babe, the one and only girl he's ever had sex with, knows all too well how bad he is in bed and wants someone more manly, Guittierez said fine. If Hodges wants Marsino she can have him.

"Are you splitting up with me?" Hodges asked, almost as if she couldn't believe her ears. Finally, for all the bad things that have happened to her lately, something good was happening. Soon, she'd be rid of this sissy once and for all. Let him hook up with Hellstrom since Guittierez dreams of the boy half the time anyway.

Realizing he may have blown his cover, in that no other girl will have him, Guittierez began singing a different tune. If Hodges promised to stop seeing the sugar daddy he might recant. Give her a second chance.

At first Hodges seemed to be satisfied that it was over between them and asked Guittierez to move on to a new subject. That's when he brought up the blemish on her face that has come to be known as the "scar" that won't destabilize.

Guittierez told of his recent search of the Internet looking for solutions to make scars go away the medical profession has yet to discover.

Hodges interrupted. What in the hell was he talking about?

Maybe it's that faux-macho Genoa City pride. Maybe it's the dumb-guy humiliation that caused Guittierez to say that he had promised to help Hodges get rid of the scar and by god he was going to live up to that promise because when Hodges got fried that night while emulating sex with a metal pole she did so on his watch!

Hodges was moved to tears. Was Guittierez admitting error in his overall pseudo-religious worldview? Was he a Saint?

"That's what I am," Guittierez beamed, then went on to say that Marsino knows that he had sex with Hodges and was so "cool" about it. Gosh, if only he could be like Marsino; if he could sit back and allow his girl to have sex with two men at the same time the world would be a better place.

And golly, was this what made the two love birds profess their love for one another? It sure sounded that way. It sounded like Hodges is willing to put up with Guittierez if he can accept her relationship with Marsino. It's very weird, but no surprise. Not in this town. Not when there are plenty of friendless and alone and looking weirdly, increasingly mechanical and limp and completely drained of all feminine fire women like Hodges dutifully lying her ass off and regurgitating mindless bile as she stands by her men.

Notice? She didn't say not on my watch!

Dopey Teens Ruin Newman Project
June 7, 2004

by Brent Kellogg

Now that 12-year-old Cassie Newman has somehow managed to skip a few more years of school and has landed smack dab in practically the same classroom as older teens Lily Winters and Sierra NoLastName, the question must be asked again: Are these kids depressed? Is this why they wield pitchforks, hang out at coffee shops and speak in monosyllabic grunts? Damn kids.

Slouching way too much, wearing low-slung clothes and racking up huge cell-phone bills it's no wonder they need to earn extra credit and thusly volunteered to give up part of their Summer vacation to perform some service at Walnut Grove Academy which turns out to be more of a requirement than voluntary.

This was the new dilemma Monday.

As the teens sucked up expensive lattes inside the Newman Jitter Joint and wondered if their official break from school will be unlike the regular school year in that they might actually have to do something, little Cassie began spreading the news that her rich grandpa is turning a decayed city building into a recreation center for underprivileged, politically colored and ethnic kids.

For a student who should be at least one year in grade behind the Winters kid and is reportedly on the Dean's list, it is indeed strange that Cassie has been required to participate in the school's so-called voluntary activity. That is until you realize that anyone can volunteer!

It's true!

Although he does not attend school in the United States, young Newman asked 25-year-old looking Danny Romalotti if he'd like to volunteer with the girls. When Romalotti declined he was immediately called "lazy" by the Winters kid even though he had explained he would be leaving town in a few days. Besides not having a reason to earn extra credit Romalotti would have been hard pressed to get any since the girls had not yet received permission from the school to transfer their credit nor had they received permission to work at the construction site.

Still, this was reason enough for Lily Winters to call Romalotti lazy.

As proof that she eats way too many Oreo's, Sierra queried Romalotti as to where he was going and what he would do when he got there. Much like all spoiled kids, Romalotti said he was returning home and plans to relax until school starts in the Fall.

"Won't you get lonely alone?" Sierra asked, regurgitating a rare double-negative.

Trying to be polite when he probably wanted to smack Sierra upside the head and tell her to mind her own damn business, Romalotti said that in the event he becomes lonely he'll jump on a train and visit a friend.

The idea of train spotting intrigued young Newman. "Sounds cool!" she belched, as Romalotti smirked it's not as much fun as painting walls and mopping floors.

And again Winters puked, "It wouldn't kill you to do a little work."

You gotta choose your outrage. You gotta ask yourself, What is my threshold? Just what, truly, is offensive? Nick Newman vowing to make Cameron Kirsten "pay" and swearing nobody destroys his wife and gets away with it or Lily Winters' misanthropic sneering?

The only thing this blank-faced completely detached from reality teen has ever got dirty is her panties. The smell coming from her armpits is not caused by breaking a sweat turning on the laptop. Next to her sullen pals, Lily Winters is the laziest, most crude and obnoxious teen to ever surf the Internet looking for sexual predators she can later beg for sex. This is why, apparently, she later told semi catatonic homophobic frat boy - oops whatever happened to my singing career - J.T. Hellstrom that she had spoken with the minor child he once adored, but who got sick of his cheating on her with an older woman, and that Colleen Carlton had said she misses the big lug when Carlton said nothing of the sort.

Lies. The teens in this city learn early. But wouldn't their odd behavior be more acceptable if they were all on drugs and open about it? Too bad there's not a pharmaceutical company in this town. One of the kids could get a job there and start selling, to their buds, those expensive pills with the little corporate logos on them.

Come to think of it, they could by-pass the whole illegal drug scene since, according to all the news items and commercials on TV, drugs are in. Drugs rain down from the sky. Drugs are key to child rearing and the most important advancement since the invention of the cane and the back of their parent's hand.

Because there's suddenly a shortage of shrinks in Genoa City, Dr. Olivia Winters could become a legal pusher. At $300 a visit she'd raise a fortune in no time to launch a massive search for her son to see if Nate Hastings is on drugs too, if she cares.

With all the teens on drugs Newman Enterprises and Jabot could get out of the cosmetics business and become the new Pfizer or Eli Lilly. Only their drugs would be about ten times more toxic and a hundred times more debilitating than the "evil" street stuff, given how they'd be totally legal and therefore in need to combat the sinister venomous aura of doom so rampant here.

Forget the latest hip and underground Soma. Behavioral modifiers like Prozac are highly recommended for kids now and there is no doubt the kids here should have it. Millions are already addicted. Millions more will be.

Prozac could rewire their brains and poison their little juvenile blood vessels and kill all testosteroned sex drive once and for all!

Just think. No more worries! No more teen pregnancy! It would be like neutering the dog. For once these kids would be calm and soft and nonirritating. Isn't pharmacology great?

Think of the conversations. Instead of the stupid aren't you going to volunteer to work this summer for extra credit when you don't need it and don't go to school here, teens like Lily and Sierra could greet each other at the Jitter Joint something like this. "Hi. Isn't the sky lovely today? Yes, it sure is."

With all the teens walking around with their eyes glazed over and their shirts untucked stoned on enough mood enhancers to numb a horse, God could truly bless Genoa City as holder of the world-record 90-percent mood-disorder rate! The most-drugged town in Wisconsin! They'd be No. 1 and so proud.

The condoned drugging would be a small price to pay if only it stops these partially lobotomized teens from volunteering to work during summer vacation. When, really, you've got to ask. What normal kid does that?

VD Dance Declared a Flop
February 16, 2004

What if they threw a party and nobody came pretty much described the Valentine's Day dance thrown this week at Genoa City's newest gathering place, the Athletic Supporter Club, as only the nobody's attended!

Comprised of three high school students calling themselves "Charlie's Angels" (teenagers Colleen Carlton, Lily Winters and Sierra NoLastName) were on hand along with Carlton's lover, college student, private investigator in-training and noted hunkmonkey, J.T. Hellstrom.

Mature adults at the event included executives from Jabot Cosmetics and Newman Enterprises. Jabot spokesmodel Dru Winters attended with her husband Neil, Brad Carlton brought along his sparkling like a babbling brook wife Ashley, along with Victor and Nikki Newman. The always outspoken Mr Newman noted that as a rule child-like affairs are "not my cup of tea" but, fearing his days of freedom may be over, wished to spend every last moment with his radiant wife no matter where they may be.

The city's oldest living slut, and owner of the Little Shop of Horrors, Lauren Fenmore was escorted to the mini-gala by the city's resident psycho, Kevin Fisher who represented himself as the man young ignorant high school girls most hate.

Hosting/Managing the event was the always present ASC manager, Gina Roma.

Highlights of the evening included remarks by Mr Winters that he had come to see the live demonstration by private investigator Paul Williams on how to capture dangerous criminals. Winters, a recovering alcoholic, was so excited he ordered a martini from the bar.

While everyone commented on how beautifully the ASC had been decorated for the occasion the biggest complaint came from the Oreo-eating Sierra NoLastName who voiced displeasure that no male teens her age had come to the dance. The low turnout was attributed to the fact that until a few days ago very people had known about the dance. Or, were scared away when it was learned an Oreo-eating girl would be crowding the room.

Biggest surprise of the night was the appearance of a total stranger milling about known only as Shiloh. Said to have just arrived in the mini-megalopolis because she had been told Genoa City is "the romance capitol of the world", Shiloh's first item of business was to obtain a membership card from the ASC and if available, a room. It was apparently by coincidence that she had come just in time for the big dance.

The most shocking event of the evening came when the club manager announced that "local singer" J.T. Hellstrom would croon a tune. Rats in the kitchen were heard belching between bites how amazing Hellstrom's repertoire is. A hunkmonkey, college student, wannabe PI and singer all wrapped into one.

After Hellstrom's performance the smattering of applause did not warrant an encore and none was forthcoming much to the disappointment of Shiloh who said she liked what she heard. From the looks on her face she liked what she saw too.

Ms Carlton should have taken note of Shiloh's roving eyes but was too busy patting herself on the back for arranging Hellstrom's "surprise" performance. At only seventeen, Carlton was expected to figure it out later.

There were two strange occurrences at this first-ever held at the ASC dance. A gathering of the Newmans and the Carltons at the same table and Mr. Fisher's profuse apology to Ms Winters for giving her so much grief earlier in the year.

Like most soirées in Genoa City the Golden Boob Award was presented by the Genoa City News. The prestigious honor went to NoLastName Sierra for blurting out that Fisher's date was baiting a trap for him. While the blunder ruined the dance for everyone, nobody had the inclination or the energy to kick Sierra's fat ass onto one of the club's many treadmills for about an hour.

The Charlie's Angels Caper
February 12, 2004
by Brent Kellogg

In what can only be described as the dumbest stunt they've pulled since joining up as a team of wannabe crime fighters, high school students Lily Winters, Colleen Carlton and Sierra NoLastName on Thursday illegally entered the residence of local "psycho" Kevin Fisher and made off with something they think will prove Fisher intended to kill Carlton last year when he set fire to the RoadKill Cafe.

Using a key she said was made during the time she was "dating" Fisher, Ms Winters and her pack of loonies who should have been in school but who haven't been seen attending class in nearly a year and can just drop what they're doing to pursue suspected criminals, were not questioned when they walked into Fisher's apartment building and milled around in the hall while waiting for Winters to return with what - she wouldn't say.

Hey, it's Genoa City. This is what they do. And God damn them if they hand over whatever was taken to the most clueless private investigator this city has ever seen and it's eventually used as evidence against Fisher.

The prank is reminiscent of the time Paul Williams obtained a videotape purporting to show Diane Jenkins purchasing paint thinner. The tape was admitted without objection during the court trial and led to Phyllis Abbott's freedom but is no less a joke people still laugh about to this day.

Unfortunately, none of the parents of these whacked out teenage girls will sit them down and tell them that just because somebody may have given them a key doesn't mean they go in and out as they please. Especially when those holding the key have made criminal complaints about the person whose apartment they were entering illegally.

OK, take a breath. In related news, the beleaguered and clueless Paul Williams, thinking for the third or fourth time that he has a plan to take Fisher down but doesn't really know what the plan is, swung into action on Thursday by racing again to the Law Offices of Baldwin & Baldwin to ask the shady attorney just why Fisher had been seen coming out of his office. Was Baldwin representing scum who should be detained in Guantanamo forever without a fair trial or any trial? Baldwin had no immediate answer, but it could be surmised that regardless of what Baldwin said it would have no effect whatsoever on what - if any - plan Williams may have.

No matter how much progress has been made, so long as the Genoa City-type fires of hate still rage and snicker and imprison, they are stuck. They are dead in the proverbial water. They are, in terms Genoans can understand, reverting to the Dark Ages, deeply, horribly unevolved. In short: another joke heaped upon the few remaining observers looking for some meaning as to why Williams, three school kids and one college hunkmonkey (J.T. Hellstrom) are allowed to dabble in affairs that are clearly above their empty heads.