Larry Warton News Archives - 2004
See also: Kirsten Murder

Icing On the Cake, Warton Hot For Cameron Kirsten's Killer!
March 12, 2004

by Brent Kellogg

If there was a shred of dignity and believability remaining in what has become known as the Cameron Kirsten murder case, and what once had the potential to be a real crime drama, it couldn't be found Friday following ex-con Larry 'Wartman' Warton's stunning admission that he moved Kirsten's rotting corpse.

According to Warton he spotted Kirsten's killer on the night Sharon Newman pulled into the Lakeside Sports Bar. Sitting in the parking lot warming up his motorcycle Warton said Newman appeared to be "wasted", but that he knew better.

"A classy lady wouldn't be hammered out in the middle of nowhere," Warton actually said, adding that he could tell something really bad had just gone down.

Stating previously she couldn't remember what she was doing at the bar, Newman changed her story. She had gone inside to use the potty.

During the short time Newman was relieving herself, Warton said he had time to open the trunk of her car and was "surprised" to find a dead man. Warton did not say how he opened the trunk, but that he did take it upon himself to move the body to an undisclosed location and only now is wondering why it was in Newman's car.

Spinning her tale of how Kirsten was blackmailing her and that she killed him in self-defense, Newman gave Warton the low-lights. Had her dinkwad of a husband found out that she had again cheated on him it would have been the end of her marriage. She did what she did out of love.

Worried that the police will eventually find Kirsten's body, Newman was told not to worry. Warton took care of that small detail because she looked like she was in trouble and needed help. Isn't that what friends are for? Got a dead body on your hands? Call Larry Warton.

A heavy burden lifted from her shoulders, Newman praised Warton for saving her life.

"I'm never going to be able to thank you enough," she cackled, but did not say, "Do you think we'll get to share the same cell when we're eventually caught?"

And as if he had merely loaned a needy neighbor the use of his lawnmower, Warton hacked, "You owe me one," assuring Newman that she need not worry that he might rat her out.

"I've been called a lot of things. A snitch isn't one of them," Warton said, just before getting to the real reason he conspired to commit murder after the fact.

"I've always had a soft spot for you," he wheezed, joining the happy parade of seemingly endless men who have longed for Newman.

But really, all Warton has done is to add his prestigious name to the ever-lengthening list of reasons Genoa City has become a cesspool of bitter and soulfully debilitating souls. A place where nearly everyone sits back and reads about the murder case and the unpunished deeply sexually repressed and go, Jesus on a hot dog bun, how bad can it get, really, and how far can this go?

For his parting shot of absurdity, Warton calmly handed Newman his phone number and told her to call should she ever need anything else, like maybe another dead body moved. Furthermore, since Warton has heard that Kirsten was, a "bad dude" he must have deserved to have been killed, Newman shouldn't lose any sleep over what she - and he - have done.

So as angry pitchfork-wielding teens crawled along the streets, gutless CEO's openly lied so as to lead their companies into bloody violent unwinnable cosmetic wars, men stole babies without the slightest punishment, strippers sobbed over barely noticeable facial blemishes and as hate and fear ruled the land, who knew that all this time Larry Warton was salivating over Sharon Newman? Who knew that he was willing to transport a dead body?

How much more of this story is there? How much longer must we endure the evils and unhappy, sad mindless people in Genoa City who suck us into the vortex of absolute meaningless and unbelievable jabberings and weird altered reality?

And how much longer will it be until, just for a diversion, Warton has sex with Newman? Because that would be just so riveting. That would be the icing on the cake.

Sadly, this case has become riddled with illogic. The point of over saturation has been reached. We can, after all, take only so much abuse, can be only so karmically and ideologically hammered, before we become so utterly exhausted that we just stop caring.