Ashley Carlton

2005 News Archives
Ashley Carlton
See also: Brad Carlton John Abbott Damon Porter Abby Carlton

Life Behind Bars

December 30, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

As I struggle to get off my sick bed and get back to having somewhat a normal life whereas I'll again be able to devote my full energy to tracking the bean heads and bozos that make up Genoa City it struck me. The Tom Fisher murder. The whether Ashley Carlton did it or whether she's covering for the old man, John Abbott. It also struck me that except for the names and a few of the places this story is the same as the rest. Let's try it using a Jack Smith Sketch-A-Doodle.

Insert wealthy, influential person arrested for dastardly crime. Have suspect swear not to have committed said crime, but have suspect worry day and night how many years she/he will get in prison should divorce attorney not keep promise to prevent [insert subject] from happening. Using red crayon, sketch in twitchy brother named Jack who makes ass of himself at police station when he tells cops they don't know what they're doing and have arrested the wrong person like cops do that much anymore these days, or like anyone of nobility from these parts has ever gone to prison for anything going as far back as Paul Williams' former wife, April Stevens who got a slap on the wrist for killing her abusive husband.

Have Jack further bellow like he did Friday at the Genoa City Cop Shop, "My sister is innocent!" as passers by laugh in the hallway and ask around, "Aren't those the Abbotts? Aren't they always getting into some sort of trouble with the law? Have they no shame?"

Next, insert sister Ashley to say she don't need no stinking brother sticking up for her, as Jack points his fangs, accuses Ashley of being responsible for whatever mess the old man had gotten himself into this time. Then, if a family feeding on itself isn't turning out to be the frenzy desired, have Jack say Tom was "a total loser" and suddenly sounding as if he was closer to the investigation then the cops, when Jack says Fisher was the "number one suspect in Lauren Fenmore's murder" except that if memory serves, there has been no official ruling of death, no Coroner's report or inquest, or the police having ever said that Fisher was much more than a "person of interest."

So you see, sick as I am, fuzzy as my mind has been for 5 days, even I know that everything spewing forth from Jack's mouth is all theatre. When the theatre of the absurd isn't going well, there's only one last thing to do. Have a pack of reporters show up! Remember the night Jack took Daniel Romalotti home after a day in court and the reporters jumped out of the bushes and Jack said he was so worried the press would "have a field day" and the next day not a single reporter was seen? Well, Jack said the same thing today. I can't count how many times this phrase has been uttered "the press is going to have a field day with this" and yet every single time it hasn't meant crap to a tree which is a metaphor for what a tree must feel like when it gets pissed on (or worse) as we do every damn day.

After awhile you don't need to watch these crime scenes because you know the same questions and answers and probable results are inevitable. Pull out the script from three years ago, change the names, changes the date and presto - today's script for Jack wherein center stage he turns to make the boldest of maddening statements. If Ashley "shot that scum" the scum deserved to be shot because Ashley was "protecting herself". That Jack wasn't there and has no way in hell of knowing what happened is beside the point when it's all about theatre. That-a-boy Jack. Make a fool of yourself. All done? Give us one more. Something to curl our toenails.

"Whoever shot that bastard did the public a favor." Oh, very nice Jack. What's next on your vigilante justice repertoire? Piles of shame? Broomsticks up butts? Menstrual blood and dogs and whips?

It's bad enough having Ashley back in the limelight without having Jack steal her scenes and someone scream they don't know if old geezer Yawn will live if he finds out his 'beauty' was arrested and so chop-chop; let's hide the TV's, keep Yawn out of harm's way. He's only had two heart attacks and a dozen strokes and his foot in the grave for the past ten years and you know he's gonna find out eventually, but let's play the family is so worried game because it makes for good theatre and might make those who remember Yawn catching Jack putting the pork to his wife forget what a truly disgusting family the Abbotts are. If Jack's skullduggery didn't kill Yawn, nothing will.

But you know what? After all was said and done there's one thing I still don't understand. How is it that Ashley's free to come and go as she please? When was her bail hearing, who posted it, and where did the money come from? Granted, I'm sick. But that she would be free on bail within an hour of her arrest is sicker. Personally, and I'm aware nobility in this city never go to prison and they always get these sweetheart community service deals, I'd like to see Ashley rot in prison if for no other reason than her smart-ass remark to the Bug that she can't go to prison because she's got a young daughter.

I'd like to tell Ashley not to worry. Abby Carlton's new step-mommy will be more than happy to bring the kid by for visits at the prison every other weekend. Abby said just today she's accepting Victoria Newman into her life and that of her Pa, Brad Carlton, who, at the eleventh hour, had to settle for sloppy seconds when Sharon Newman rejected his "I love you" coos. All hail Victoria, for she gets the booby prize and Ashley should get life without parole not for killing Tom Fisher, but for stealing Sharon's line.

Hint: During the Cameron Kirsten nightmare Sharon said she couldn't go to prison because she had young children.

Wanted Man Thought Shot by Man in Drag!

December 27, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

As expected, the who shot Tom Fisher case has begun. The terrible excuse for a bad guy was found by police suffering from at least one gunshot wound outside an unpopular steakhouse late Tuesday following a telephone tip called in from the Abbott Hotel. Officers at the scene took socialite Ashley Abbott Carlton into custody when she was found standing over Fisher's blood-soaked body with a gun. Fisher was rushed by ambulance to the God Have Mercy Medical Center where his condition was not immediately known as it wasn't clear whether the hospital's resident butcher, Dr. Olivia Winters was on duty at the time. A hospital spokesmonkey was able to confirm that a patient named John Abbott had been wheeled in earlier suffering from injuries sustained in what was said to be an automobile accident, however. Older than the hills, Abbott at last report was being considered as the hospital's most admitted patient. No further details were made available.

Mrs. Carlton was booked at the Genoa City Police station under the name Abbott which detective 'Hawk' Hawkins immediately recognized as the notorious Abbott gang. Read her rights at the scene, Abbott refused to answer questions and was allowed to make a phone call before being tossed into a slammer. Of all the criminal defense lawyers there must be in a city the size of Genoa, Abbott choose to call divorce attorney Christine 'Bug' Blair. The Bug slithered as fast as she could to the cop house and went on record as Abbott's mouthpiece without discussing payment with her client. Due to the lateness of the hour, and apparently unwilling to wake a sleepy judge, the Bug told Abbott to forget about making bail and to settle in for the night.

In a related development, and despite the hour, private eye Paul Williams alerted a California nut house that one of it's patients, a woman known as Sheila Carter, isn't really Carter at all. Following a fingerprint comparison the nut house warden agreed that a tragic mistake had been made. After concluding his call Williams broke down in a bawling fit apparently aware for the first time just what a miserable excuse for a human being he is. Blaming himself for the death of former wife Lauren Fenmore-Baldwin, Paul got his bad act together long enough to receive Mrs. Baldwin's son, Scotty Grainger whom he'd summoned at the ungodly hour to play the Match Game. As he showed the expectant best selling author a photo of his writing partner known as Brenda Harris, and that of the woman formerly known as crazy nurse Sheila, Paul noticed right away that doing so had caused Scotty to become confused.

Having forgotten that he recently went to the hospital asking about Sheila, and had a photo of her, Scotty listened as Paul told him that for years Sheila and his mother have been sworn enemies. Denying at first Paul's claim that Brenda is "disturbed", Scotty came around when Paul got to the part Scotty had written in his book.

"Why wasn't I told?" Scotty howled.

Whether he knew or didn't know became a moot point when Paul, as if to say, "Would somebody please tell me why I'm wasting my time?", said what matters now is that Sheila be found. The problem, as it has been since Paul first put his irons in the fire, is that it's going to be hard finding her given that with all the time he's pissed away, Sheila could have fled to Cuba - or somewhere.

"Or, she could be right next door," Scotty chimed in, adding, "We really don't have any idea where she is."

And then, because he's such a mama's boy and silly and sad and how, deep down, Kevin Fisher would like to take a sissy like him to bed, Scotty began blaming himself for his mother's death. Pulling out another diaper like he'd done for Michael Baldwin, Paul wiped Scotty's butt, told him to stop sniveling and then, as if to lead the charge as the city's protector from evil, said, "Let's do something about it!"

What to do has always been Paul's Achilles' heel. He likes playing a PI on TV, but when it comes to the real deal never has a clue. It took a lame brain like Scotty to get him going. After leaving a voice message on Sheila/Brenda's phone to call him so they might converse about the book, Paul, his eyes crossed and that dumb as dork look on his face, said, "That was great! Let's see what happens!"

It's been asked before so this question too is moot" what the hell is wrong with these people? Is this not the dumbest thing you ever did hear? Oh, we've got to catch Sheila before she flees the country so let's keep sitting on our collective fat ass waiting for her call. That way we won't have to look for her, she'll come to us.

This report wouldn't be complete without noting the antics put forth by Kevin, J.T. Hellstrom and Mac Browning on this night. Now Kevin's best pal, J.T. needed to know; how Kevin's holding up? Because she's so tight with Kevin too after arranging to have his head shrunk a few times, Mac Browning said, oh, poor Kevin's sad. He was, after all, in lust with the woman who went on to become his step-mommy. And Kevin, so wallowing in self-pity, so ignoring that the man who he thinks killed Lauren, his own father is still on the loose, didn't know.

"Have the cops caught Tom?"
"I'm sorry, no" J.T. replied.
"Not as sorry as he's going to be," Kevin huffed, again trying to portray a muscle beach bum when at best he's a girlie man.

Told that Tom didn't act alone, that crazy Sheila/Jennifer Mitchell helped, Kevin squeaked, "That can't be! She's locked up!"

Kevin's asinine statement of ignorance was J.T.'s opportunity to demonstrate what a little fag he is.

"That's what everyone thought. We proved she was living right here in Genoa City."

After pondering these latest developments Kevin let out his biggest whine ever.

"Why is Lauren dead when Tom and Sheila are both walking around free? It isn't fair."

To make Kevin feel better, J.T. told of his uncle who was gunned down during a carjacking. Nice guy, Uncle Dick. Never hurt anyone. Wanted to teach J.T. how to masturbate, only J.T. hadn't developed a penis. That wasn't fair either.

Kevin agreed. Why, he was in such a tizzy about how unfair life is he wanted to hit something - hard.

"Hit me!" J.T. quickly volunteered, adding Kevin could hit on him at the mostly forgotten Wreck Center - or his bedroom - if Kevin liked.

All the talk of hitting turned Kevin on. Without mentioning what a joke it was, Kevin recalled when he and his brother duked it out and how much better he felt afterwards. But before the girls could rush off Mac interjected to say she didn't want Kevin doing anything "violent" like maybe getting J.T's dildo stuck in his butt.

I mean, really. Is there any doubt Kevin is gay and probably hasn't had sex since he accidentally sat atop a throbbing wooden pony at the freak show? Isn't he easily titillated and more than a little gullible? Say it with me: woo. Can't you just feel the manliness reeking from these studly twosome? Why don't they just kiss each other on the lips and get it over with? God, I hate girls that try passing themselves off as men. I hate men passing themselves off as girls too, only I'm betting if you ever saw Kevin and J.T. naked, you'd find they each have a vagina where a penis should be. Which reminds me; did the cops put Ashley in a cell with the men, or with the women? If they strip search her I'm betting they'll find a man in drag.

October 18 2005

Ashley Carlton wants a legal divorce so where does she go? The yellow pages? One, or both, of the two lawyers in this city? No way. She went straight to the Athletic Club to get the name of the lawyer brother Jack Abbott used when he divorced Phyllis. Never mind that it was Phyllis who divorced Jack.

Oh, let's not leave this important part out. Ashley had to meet with Jack outside the Abbott Hotel because discussing the touchy subject of divorce at home would put too much "stress" on her daddy, who isn't really her daddy, old man John Abbott. It's not like there are a zillion rooms in the Abbott hotel. The walls have ears.

Jack doesn't want Ashley getting divorced. Good god, how many would that be? What would people say? Better for Jack's agenda that Ashley lay low; see which way the wind blows. Maybe wait until Brad screws Sharon, or in desperation, goes crawling back to Dr. Olivia Winters. Once Brad has plastered his seed all over town Ashley can take him back, like she did previously, for the sake of their precious daughter, Abby.

Sperm Thief Calls it Quits, Wants Legal Divorce

October 13, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Talk about a lucky break. Brad Carlton doesn't know it, but he hit pay dirt this week when his sperm-stealing, baby-killing bitch said she's going to file for divorce and this time she means it. If in fact Ashley Carlton can get off her fat ass long enough, if she can find an available lawyer in this two-attorney town and actually get the papers drawn up and signed, Brad will be able to say unequivocally he knew nothing of Ashley's criminal activities, or if he suspected she'd do something illegal, be able to testify against her at say, the custody hearing.

Logic dictates there will be a custody hearing to see who gets possession of the smarter than the average seven-year-old Abby Carlton. Logic further dictates it should be Victor Newman suing for custody of his biological daughter, but for now suffice to say the first step is to get that child away for the terrorist Ashley has become.

It all came together on Thursday when a smitten Victoria Newman confronted Brad about his marriage. Why didn't he mention this little detail? Why, she'd assumed all these years Brad and Ashley were divorced. It's not like when Victoria left for Italy Brad and Ashley weren't just the happiest married couple Genoa City had ever seen. It's not like she ever stopped to ask around town what's up with those two, or seen the writing on the bathroom stall wall, 'For a good time call Ashley". It's not like she could have asked her parents or her brother or her parents.

According to Brad he's not married to Ashley in all the ways that matter. He, being so damn hard up, has been staying with Ashley for the sex. And, yes, for Abby's sake too as everyone knows that despite Abby's acute wisdom and ability to tell when half sisters don't like her, she can become easily traumatized. A divorce in the legal sense would have sent Abby into the boiling pits of Fuguedom and they can't have that.

Victoria admitted she should have known all along. She saw the signs, like the flashing red octagon sign whenever Brad and Ashley were together that read "We are together and yet not apart." No, really. She said this, or maybe meant to say, "together yet apart" which would have made more sense than any this godforsaken situation has made thus far. And while she didn't know what she meant, Brad agreed that he and Ashley are "in the way you mean".

To prove she didn't know she was talking about, Victoria asked, "And that is?"

Brad implied that romantically and sexually it's been over for Ashley and him for quite some time, not counting the time a few weeks ago he nailed her good the old times sake. Except for being parents, they are history. Except that obtaining a legal divorce would have rocked Abby's world they didn't figure the laws were written for them. What's most important are the precious children which explains why they have kids and then divorce leaving said kids in limbo.

Victoria understood this. Her own parents having divorce and remarried so many times, her own failed marriages proof positive that love in this town is meaningless, Victoria declared her daze of being involved with a married man is over.

Brad understood this too. He called Victoria's decision "good policy" probably because now he's free to pursue the very married other Newman named Sharon.

As smart a move as Victoria's breaking it off with Brad was, one thing stuck out like a sore thumb. For all the grief he's been given by Ashley for slutting around, he didn't tell Ashley. Had he, his statement - that the way he and Ashley are living is "normal" still wouldn't have made any sense.

Alas, maybe it's because Ashley didn't give him a chance. Brad was too busy ducking the hate balls and ultimatums and threats that he'll be hearing from her attorney - if she can find one. If she doesn't get arrested in the meantime. If God doesn't snatch her up by those cancer scared breasts and toss her into eternal damnation. That's what she deserves for getting behind the wheel of a gas-guzzling SUV, speeding along the highway, crashing head-on into an oncoming vehicle, killing her baby and baring false witness.

Tossing Ashley into a gulag, stripping her naked, sticking electrodes onto her genitals and smearing day-old sperm on her face is too good for this, um, woman. Brad should be jumping for joy. If all goes well he'll be rid of this thing devouring what's left of his miserable soul like a leech sucks blood.

Half Man - Half Beast, Ashley Carlton Will Protect Sacred Family

October 4, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Let me make this clear. Let me echo the thought probably running through your mind right now. I am so pissed off. I am so angry that the best crazy Sheila Carter can come up with as a means to rid the world of Lauren Fenmore is to have Lauren's son give her a necklace dipped in, sprayed or injected with an untraceable poison obtained from a pharmacy, the Orkin man, or somewhere.

Did Sheila not read the papers? Where was she when Leanna Love sprayed flower lies with poison in an attempt to kill Ashley Abbott? Does Sheila not know Leanna failed or that Ashley is still very much alive? Is this replay of a bad 1988 Genoa City movie the best Sheila can come up with? Is it the vehicle which will drive us out of this city for good?

At this stage there is one possible redeeming factor. When Shelia and/or Tom Fisher find out what Ashley did [we suspect she'll plant dope on Tom] they'll add her name to their hit list. How many of us would like nothing more than to see Ashley's dead body on display at a funeral home? How moronic that when they know what a dangerous man Tom is, old man John 'Yawn' and Gloria Abbott sit around wondering why Ashley is seeing Tom again. What bigger hypocrites can Ashley and Yawn be when a few days ago they got all pissy because Michael Baldwin hadn't protected her from Tom?

Just last week Tom was worried Yawn might order him out of town after Yawn smacked him upside the head and at the start of this week Gloria was buttering the old geezer up, telling him he's "strong as a man half his age". Yet when Yawn suggested he have another chat with Tom she got all bent. Yawn, low on brain cells, didn't make the connection, but nevertheless said he'll protect Gloria and Ashley from the evildoing Tom.

Meanwhile, as they all wring their hands, as they count the horrible things Tom has done and keeps on doing, nobody has thought to bring in the police. Ashley, freak that she is, with a history of getting mugged in the park, nearly raped by truckers and who should be suffering worse than Nikki Newman, is hell-bent on nailing Tom by herself as Michael, who put the idea into Ashley's thick head, has changed his mind again.

Now, according to Michael who said he would take Tom down, says only Gloria can do it! That Michael can't keep his story straight was further evidenced when Ashley said that because Gloria has "too much to lose", he and Ashley will have to do it even as Michael is letting Ashley do all the leg work. Again, not that Ashley doesn't deserve to die, but how sissified can Michael get?

Then, as if more proof is needed that these freaks, there is nothing else to describe them, are hopelessly out of their league, Michael asked Ashley if she's in or out? How many times must Ashley say it? Clearly, she's in. And from the looks of it, she's in up to her eyeballs alone. Oh, but it gets better.

Right after being asked in she's in, Ashley said, as all plotting mind numbing acts of revenge and payback and crimes do, "If this doesn't work out it could really be bad." No! You think so Ashley? If think if you screw this up your ass won't be grass? And God help him, Michael came back with the moronic statement that Ashley should stop thinking like an Abbott wherein, apparently, the Abbotts play by rules. In this case, Michael said they can't play by the rules because Tom doesn't. On the bright side, however, Michael said if the plan, whatever it is, works, "We'll be rid of Tom forever."

Does anyone recall how many times they've said this? Is it necessary to roll back the videotape as Michael says he's going to get rid of Tom only to fail time and time again? But, okay. Let's forget about all that. Let's just think back for a moment to when Michael told Ashley that Tom is a threat to his family. Was Ashley not listening? Does this explain why she'd ask Gloria, "Has Tom threatened you?"

Gloria of course, broke down and sniveled how Tom threatened to make Yawn have an accident only to have Ashley crinkle her nose and promise Gloria that once she's done with Tom he'll never hurt anybody again. "Tom is never going to know what hit him," Ashley actually said, and Gloria did not burst out laughing as she might have had she been around that night Ashley peed her pants when she was accosted by two men in the park who only wanted her purse.

Sperm Stealing Hypocrites

September 12, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

I am still trying to figure out what Jack Abbott does in his position as CEO of Chancellor Industries. I am wondering why CI owner Katherine Sterling is seemingly more interested in the love life of a hunkmonkey than she is with a major conglomerate or that Jack has been at his office but once since she gave him the job. Also of concern is Jack's sister, Ashley Carlton. Why is this woman, suspected of being a man, giving Michael Baldwin grief for not warning her about taking up with terrible Tom Fisher? Is Michael her keeper? Had Michael told her Tom is evil would she have listened? Not bloody likely. This is a sperm-stealing bitch who sluts around with other men while she's still legally married.

So for Ashley to have ripped Michael this week for not telling her about Tom is typical of her rampant ineptitude. Ashley needs to be reminded that it was she who gave a total stranger information about herself and her family without first finding out who in the hell she was talking too. With all the money Ashley supposedly has she could have hired a private eye to check Tom out. She admitted Monday that when Tom pumped her for information she got strange vibes, but went smelt fishing with him anyway. What a pathetic little worm she is; slinging darts at everyone other than herself. Michael has never been the Abbott's most favorite person even before they learned he was the evil Kevin Fisher's brother. Michael was shunned by 'Yawn' Abbott long before the old geezer's latest disgust with him for putting his "beauty" at risk, yet here they are, verbally castrating Michael for not speaking up.

Ashley whines too that Michael put her "seven-year-old" daughter at risk, like Michael has any obligation to protect Abby Carlton. Like Ashley isn't a big girl who walked alone in a park at night and got mugged twice. Like Ashley didn't let a couple of truckers give her a ride one day and nearly got raped because that's just how stupid she is. With the Abbott's though, it's no surprise. They love being aloof, consider themselves better than others, and screw everyone else unless it affects them personally and then they finger-point.

Is this not what we expected? That as Ashley snipes at Michael for putting her family in danger she goes alone to a motel where Tom and the evil Sheila Carter are shacked up? Can we reasonably say we thought it would be different?

Just look. The Abbotts and the Fishers and the Baldwins are making fools of themselves again. Kicking and scratching at the wrong people, embracing the enemy, lying to themselves and each other while portraying the haggard victims. As the GCN said before, the more they reek of hollow self-righteousness the better they make Sheila and Tom look. Unless Ashley hangs herself up by her monkey ears and dangles Yawn over a river of toxic cosmetic sewage, it's merely useless and insulting and more than a little sad to watch her chastise Michael for helping his mother, but not her.

Who in the hell does Ashley think she is? Does her father's marriage to Gloria Fisher automatically mean that her step-brother must rescue her sorry ass every time she gets it caught in a wringer? Let's say it outright. The truest measure of any woman is how she takes care of herself and her children. Ashley did a simply spectacular job taking care of her unborn baby, didn't she? Didn't she put her fat ass behind the wheel of a gas-guzzling SUV when she was 11 months pregnant? Didn't she crash that vehicle into another and cause the death of baby Robert? Wasn't Brad Carlton so concerned with Ashley's mental state he took Abby away from her?

Here, then, is the new Abbott motto, as re-imagined by Ashley: Do as I say, not as I do. Do not remember the good ol' days when I aborted Victor Newman's baby. Protect me and my child like a pit-bull protects his yard or I'll stab you in the back because that's just how concerned for the children I am.

My Life as a Man
By Brent Kellogg
August 30, 2005

Are you like me? Are you like Gloria Fisher-Abbott? Confused? Are you hitting yourself in the head with a brick and wondering why Gloria would keep running to Michael Baldwin asking him to intervene in the problem she's having with Tom Fisher and when Michael has done all that he can, when he's told Gloria that the truth will set her free and to just come clean with old man John 'Yawn' Abbott is the best thing she can to if she's so worried about her marriage, Gloria would berate him this week for poking his nose into her "business"?

And while we're on the topic of the old geezer, what father, not that he's Ashley Carlton's biological dad, wants to hear for a second time that his daughter is thinking about having sex with some man when she's not yet divorced? Isn't Yawn from the old school? Isn't he always thumping the Bible and preaching family values? Doesn't condoning Ashley's having sex with anyone outside marriage go against Yawn's basic principles and might he be concerned that his young grandchild, not that Abby Carlton is any blood relation, might be traumatized for life were Abby to accidentally catch her mother having sex with, or trying to steal, Tom Fisher's or Paul Williams' sperm?

Does Yawn's indifference to Ashley's blasphemy have anything to do with the dying brain cells in his head? Why, when Ashley had reminded him for at least the second time that she hasn't divorced Brad Carlton, would the old fart say, "I know from my own experience a divorce takes a long time to heal."

Clean the yellow goop out of your ears you miserable excuse for a toad! Market the stuff as "Ashley Gold" - or something. Jesus! Why are people in this city so stupid? And then, right after Yawn had spewed this mindless crap he told Ashley not to "close off possibility of falling in love again" regardless of who she might fall in love with. Does that mean Victor Newman? Hannibal Lechter? God Almighty, Yawn. Get a freaking grip. Listen to yourself. Just because your son had sex with your wife and again after you'd divorced Jill Abbott don't be encouraging Ashley to screw around. She's got plenty of failed marriages and dead babies under her belt as it is.

It was bad enough Ashley made another fool of herself this week by telling Yawn of her sexual desires without coming off as a flaming dyke when she volunteered to show cute newcomer, sweet boy, Scotty Grainger around the Athletic Club gym. When Scotty accepted Gloria's invitation to the club because he admittedly has no friends, he showed the world why he's tutoring a woman old enough to be his mother. He's a sissy probably with a father figure fetish too. A truly straight kid Scotty's age would have been skeptical of some old woman he'd only met offering to show him around a gym. A normal kid not born "that way" would have preferred going to a place he might meet "normal" kids his own age. Which is not to imply Kevin Fisher is normal.

That Scotty met Kevin at Baldwin's pod left little doubt Kevin will invite Scotty to stay with him since Scotty's mother, Lauren Fenmore, apparently didn't know he was coming to town for her wedding choosing to stay behind in California now that she knows the evil Sheila Carter is locked up in a cuckoo's nest there. With Scotty at the Sugar Shack to protect Kevin from terrible Tom how convenient that Sheila will meet Tom and those two hit it off in a sort of Satan meets the Devil scenario. For a kid like Scotty with the foresight to look up the law office of Baldwin & Blair on the Internet where Baldwin's home address is apparently listed, how convenient too that Scotty, a so-called writer working on a novel, didn't think to look through local newspaper archives so he might know who the players in Genoa City are before just blowing in. Scotty had only to search the headlines for his mother's name and Kevin's name would have jumped out at him like a hurricane about to slam the Gulf Coast.

Ah, but that would have ruined all the fun. That might have prevented Scotty from going to a by-membership-only club without the need for a membership card as a guest of one of the town's rubberized elderly women where he'd meet a sperm thieving, baby-killing, married to a hairless-chest boob, woman named Ashley for a tour around a sweaty gym. He's only been in Genoa City about an hour, so give it time. Depending on how horny Ashley is she'll soon be giving Scotty the most intimate details of her sex life and start dating him too until, like all the other men who have dumped her, Scotty starts wondering if Ashley is really a man not that he wouldn't like that.

Carlton Divorce Well Kept Secret

June 23, 2005

Before their estrangement how many times did Brad and Ashley Carlton promise their sweet and innocent rapidly aging daughter they were going to provide the perfect American home for her?

Who can forget that February 4, 2004, day when Brad told a pregnant Ashley he'd never again put the pork to Dr. Olivia Winters and promised if forgiven life with Ashley would be one big bowl of cherries? Remember too when Ashley emerged from a fugue state Brad was so pleased to see her smiling again and hurled the following chunks of verbal bile all over the carpet? "It's a love that comes from my soul," he said of his concern for Ashley which was just so damn sickening considering his fling with Ashley's one and only female friend.

Who can forget that June 25, 2004, day when Brad brayed like a diarrhea afflicted mule, "My life has been shattered. The daughter I adore has been taken from me" and mewed how his wife wasn't the woman he married and that Ashley had overwhelmed him with "lies and deceit" when he discovered that adorable daughter was sired using Victor Newman's sperm?

What about August 20, 2004, when great liberator Brad took Abby and disappeared for an entire day without telling Ashley where they had gone? This was the time when Brad had become tired of Ashley hanging around Victor so much and threatened her that continuing to do so would destroy their marriage.

Also in September Ashley couldn't be bothered to attend Abby's first day at school choosing instead to sit on her fat ass in curlers talking with Victor on the phone while Brad did the job. From there it was all downhill. Brad continued bitching and moaning so much that on September 22, 2004, the GCN asked "how many more times will Brad scream and stomp and huff and puff and say that peace in the Carlton family will never become a reality and then in the same breath say how much he loves his sperm-stealing wife and gosh Ashley, could you work me into your sex schedule?"

The acts of infrequent sex were merely a distraction performed out of desperation as it became obvious the Carltons would never be a family when Ashley moved out of the home at Brad's request leaving Abby behind. Earlier this month they considered ending their estrangement for Abby's sake then, in the blink of an eye, chuckled and exchanged notes on who was dating who giving each other approval to have sex outside the marriage.

When Ashley's alleged dating of Paul Williams began, and Brad started sucking around Sharon Newman, the GCN asked again what message this sent to those holding the sanctity of marriage so near to their hearts. What would Abby tell her classmates if asked why she has two fathers and why she shuttles back and forth between daddy Brad and mommy Ashley's separate homes? And what of Abby's dream of being part of a real family again?

Those dreams were shot to hell this week when Ashley officially declared that Brad is her "ex-husband."

Oh really? When did this divorce take place? What lawyer represented who during the divorce proceedings and what judge signed the divorce degree? Why is this divorce not being reported on CNN? Why is it that gossip queen Nikki Newman doesn't know of any such divorce? Why hasn't Victor heard his precious little daughter is without a real family and why hasn't anyone uttered this most infamous of Genoa City teachings?

"And who suffers the most? The kids of course. They always bear the brunt of a situation like this." -Victor Newman, January 21, 2002

Dork of the Week

June 15, 2005

After listening to complaints she doesn't know much about him, the man she went smelt fishing with, terrible Tom Fisher this week gave some very veiled information about himself to Ashley Carlton excluding his real last name. (He did say it's Callahan which opens a new can of worms in that it makes one wonder what name Gina Roma has for Fisher on her list of those strangers she grants credit to.)

"My life is an open book," Fisher proclaimed, adding if Carlton has any further questions she need only ask.

"You're not like anyone else I know," Carlton told Fisher, thus elevating herself to the level of dork as she went off to have dinner with Fisher and never once asked about the "business deal" he claims to be preoccupied with or what, exactly, his business is.

That Ashley is a dork was further evidenced by the fact that only moments earlier she had supposedly worked out at the Athletic Club and like all who do, immediately consumed more calories and carbs than she'd expended.

For someone who had his credit cut off by club management Fisher thought nothing of asking manager Gina Roma to obtain a floral arrangement for him, and like the plump golden retriever she is, Roma quickly complied and said nothing when later Fisher ordered champagne and lobster for two.

It is of further dorky nature that at a popular club, with it's revolving door pumping out people who know Carlton, including Fisher's step-son Michael Baldwin, not one has noticed the many times Carlton and Fisher have met here. Isn't it strange that for a city with so many busy bodies not one has questioned who Fisher is or what he's doing in Genoa City? Isn't it ironic that only clueless PI Paul Williams has wondered about the man Carlton is seeing, yet hasn't looked into Fisher's background?

In his column Viewpoint, Todd Brown asked, "Shouldn't Michael easily be able to have Terrible Tom, Genoa City's latest cartoon villain, arrested for extortion? He'd certainly have Kevin and Gloria to back him up in court. And shouldn't Terrible Tom be more of a garden variety drunken abuser like we saw in Kevin's flashbacks rather than a polished and articulate grifter as portrayed by Roscoe Borne? And shouldn't someone as polished and articulate as Tom be able to pronounce the word "business" without sounding like Damon Porter?"

Like Brown, who wrote "Questions questions everywhere, but not an answer to be found", Carlton's babbling that the man she knows so little about is not like any she's ever known before begs the question we've asked before.

Didn't she learn anything when as "Annie" in 1985 Carlton was baking apple pies for truck drivers? Why must she continually give intelligent women a bad name?

Environmental Terrorists!
May 23, 2005

You'd think by now Ashley Carlton would have learned. Never speak to strangers much less give them the most intimate details of her meaningless personal life. Didn't getting mugged in a park teach Carlton anything? Didn't what happened when she took up with the mysterious Kurt Costner sink into her thick head? Doesn't Ashley, like Lily Winters and so many others who can never forget their bad experiences, have bad dreams?

Why then would Carlton accept terrible Tom Fisher's invitation to go smelt fishing? Why would she want to go somewhere alone at night with a man she knows little about? You might say these are rhetorical questions given the events Monday at Genoa City's Athletic Supporter Club.

Noticing Fisher for the first time at the club she manages, Gina Roma brought this to his attention. Fisher flicked her off like a big piece of snot. He's new in town. Roma congratulated Fisher on his excellent taste in places to congregate, said the ASC is a "great" place to hang, urged him to come back often and then waddled off to greet Ashley.

As she waited alone for Paul Williams Ashley noticed Fisher. Such a stranger that she had to be reminded of his first name Ashley nevertheless asked if she could join him. The two struck up a conversation in which Fisher remarked food served at the ASC is only slightly better than that served at the God Have Mercy Medical Center where he had apparently eaten before. Then Fisher pried into Ashley's personal business. Was her father making a remarkable recovery after having hip surgery? And what of Yawn Abbott's lovely bride?

Talking about Yawn was too personal a subject for Ashley so she changed the topic. Why is it that Fisher is always at the ASC whenever she is? It's not like he's a member.

Ignoring her question Fisher didn't ask how she would know he's not a member. He didn't say, "Didn't you see the manager welcoming me? If there was a problem with my membership wouldn't Gina have kicked my ass out?"

Fisher didn't say he's been watching anyone who is anyone walk into the club without being asked to show a membership card and so assumed none is required. Nor did he mention that minor children are allowed at a place serving liquor.

Fisher did say it's the club's tasty ice tea that brings him by. He guzzles it like cheap wine before going smelt fishing which - it just so happened - he planned doing later that very evening. If he were so inclined Fisher might ask Ashley to join him had he not sensed Ashley isn't exactly the outdoors type.

Oh wait! Ashley said Fisher had her all wrong. She does fish! She caught one once to prove it.

Hell, bells. It must have been Fisher's lucky day. Would Ashley like to tag along? He'd build a fire to keep her frail bones warm and take the edge off all the ice tea he'd drunk. They'd toss their nets, catch some smelt, dip them in butter, eat them right on the banks of Lake Genoa and wash them down with a few beers.

Married woman that she is, Ashley took a pass. She had a date. But when Williams checked in to say the Cassie Newman case had him tied up, Ashley changed her mind. She'd love to go fishing!

Except for the obvious flaws in this fishy conversation there was one that flopped around like a fish out of water.

By law, before Ashley can go fishing in Wisconsin, she needs a license! By the greatest stretch of the imagination there is no freaking way in hell a woman - the term is used loosely - like Ashley, her pasty skin radiating from excessive exposure to florescent lighting, would have a valid fishing license much less an old license. Based on reports out of Wisconsin's Fish & Wildlife Service it's unlikely Ashley or Fisher would catch a single smelt legally or illegally in that the smelt population has been declining since the 1980s. Those who haven't given up smelt fishing entirely report the waters in Wisconsin are nearly devoid of smelt.

But even if there are smelt to be caught who, besides some environmental terrorist, would want to contribute to making smelt an endangered species? Ashley the baby-killing sperm-thieving bitch. That's who.

Bible May Replace Satan as King of the Demons

April 11, 2005

See how freaking evil Ashley Carlton is? See how she's nothing but an evil-doing baby-killing sperm thief and that calling her a bitch is a compliment?

Because she contributes nothing on the rare occasions she's supposed to be at her father's business trying to at least look like she's helping the struggling cosmetics company get back on its financial feet, Carlton found her ostracized step-mother at the Athletic Supporter Club on Monday and had the audacity to call Gloria Fisher "a midday drinker" as if there's something wrong with people who drink during the middle of the day, or if Carlton wasn't once so mentally unbalanced she had to gulp down experimental drugs by the handful.

As if there isn't enough proof that Carlton is hated on a global scale publishers of the New Bible are said to be considering replacing all references to Satan with Carlton's name. That's how bad it is. Persons who don't even know her but have heard of her despicable actions stick pins into Carlton's likeness and pray the demons will cast this reptilian freak show out of Hell into something far much worse.

Come to gloat, to rub Gloria's nose in the blood right that moment pouring out of old man John Abbott's aged body, Carlton blamed Gloria for causing the end of another Genoa City marriage. Gloria brought it upon herself by not confessing from the outset that two of the city's most hated residents are her sons. Never mind that the old bag of bones didn't warn Gloria that two of Satan's best helpers carry the Abbott name, the Abbotts can do no wrong. They are one righteous God-fearing family. All who cross the Abbotts shall be banished from the earth and in time geezer Abbott will get over what Gloria did to him. He'll fall on his knees before the bitch and thank her for showing him the light.

Tired of Carlton's bull crap Gloria hissed how fortunate she was having been graced by Carlton's angelic company to which the evil one chastised her for spewing "sarcasm and gin" that so turned her stomach she wouldn't be able to stay for lunch.

"It was not a pleasure running into you," Carlton belched, as you were maybe just about willing to soil your hands by grabbing the wretched slime around the throat and squeezing until the last drop of goop spurted from her black eyes had only you been there.

Then, because going to work is the last thing Carlton wanted to do, she returned to the scene of the crime to find the driveway filled with emergency vehicles and her decrepit father being hauled away to the God Have Mercy Medical Center after having fallen down a flight of stairs and stabbing himself with a letter opener. True to her thuggish demonic methodology Carlton blamed Kevin Fisher when she found out the old timer was alive thanks only to Kevin's fine life-saving ability.

And there it is. Ignorance is bliss. Ignorance is patriotism. Carlton and her homophobic hate-filled family won't want to believe Kevin saved Yawn. Kevin could never have done something decent and, you know, human. Can't imagine Kevin would use the tragedy to bolster his mother's chances to save her marriage to the old fart. Increasing piles of evidence be damned. It's just too painful.

It's so beneath Carlton and her ilk to forgive when just last year she was begging Victor Newman to forgive her for stealing his sperm and having a baby she didn't want him to know about and only told him when there was no way out of the corner she'd backed her sorry ass into. It's so easy to openly hate Kevin as they conveniently forget Jack Abbott walked over Victor's body leaving him for dead when the great man collapsed during another of Jack's many verbal attacks.

Forgiving Kevin would be terribly detrimental to the progress of reversing mankind's infatuation with political correctness and hatred and constant despise of those they do not like or agree with like Paul Williams who once called Kevin "sick" while at the same time the sick bastard was discarding his own son like a used condom.

It's easy for Carlton to scowl and shake her tiny fists at Kevin and Michael Baldwin and Gloria Fisher and blame everything on others, easy to ignore her own issues of hate and corruption and merely react to all the confusion and rage by pointing the finger elsewhere. This is obvious but needs to be repeated because we cannot forget. Ashley Carlton is an evil, evil bitch worthy of replacing Satan as King of the Demons.

The Playpen of Hypocrisy

March 31, 2005

Thursday in Genoa City was another of those days when your head spins around, you shudder in disbelief, choke back a giggle and restrain yourself from gagging because if you've been paying any attention you can't fathom the business environment in this city or how it has become one of the most economically debilitating, socially humiliating quagmires ever.

Struggling to get back on its financial feet, and without a CEO, employees and executives at Jabot Cosmetics continue to come to work when and if it pleases them. The Chief Operating Officer, or whatever the hell Brad Carlton thinks he is, isn't satisfied. He wants the CEO position and if Chancellor Industries CEO Hack Abbott won't appoint him such Carlton informed Abbott this week he's gonna hold his breath and turn blue. Abbott has until the end of business to anoint him or he's bailing out.

Somewhat concerned that Brad is overpaid and under worked and spends company time checking out executive dating services where lots of "classy women" are looking for clean chest shaven men, Jack calls Brad a "stud" and labels his quest for power "lust" as he continues holding the carrot far out of Brad's reach.

Meantime, deep inside the Jabot lab, chief skunk oil sniffer Ashley Carlton has graced the toxic chemical company with her presence only because those rare moments on the job keep her reptilian mind off personal matters. Her biggest effort of the day is deciding whether to go home early to be with the man she calls daddy because she knows John Abbott is about to get buried in the dirt she dug up on his wife.

"Dad needs me," Ashley oozes to private detective Paul 'Clueless' Williams as he walks into the lab on the slim chance he'd find her there worrying about the repercussions her dastardly deeds will have on the old geezer.

"He's going to find out his wife isn't who she said she was," Ashley says of Yawn, when if anybody isn't who they say they are, it's this evil bitch.

Flogging herself in the playpen of hypocrisy Ashley goes on to whine that it's all so unfair. Her rabid brother can't be bothered to stand shoulder to shoulder with his sister as she rips out their father's heart. The bastard. While Yawn is about to lose his wife, and will "be lost" when Gloria Fisher is gone, Jack can't be bothered. Jack has better things to do like, going out to the Newman Ponderosa where he is hated and despised by its owner to cook crown roast of lamb as a means to get back into his former wife's furry love nest.

But enough of icky remorse. As Satan's best helper this is what Ashley must do to the man who rescued her from the funny farm.

What did Yawn do to deserve such payback? Why can't he see that he needs protection from creeps like Ashley who insist on praying for him when hers are the kind of prayers that make God cringe? Why are sleazoids like Paul Williams encouraging and pacifying this evil when anyone with a brain and an ounce of compassion can see that Ashley is one of those misguided sanctimonious types who think they can stomp into another person's life making destructive and deathly decisions?

Let Yawn live his few remaining years on this earth in peace. Let him decide who he'll have sex with and whether Gloria is who she says she is because, really, she never claimed to be anyone she isn't. Is that too much to ask?

This isn't about the concerned daughter. If Ashley had such a bug up her butt about Gloria she could have found a more subtle means of getting her point across. Once rejected she should have left it at that. Yawn's a big boy. He can make his own decisions. There's nothing worse then children poking their noses in their parent's affairs.

This is about pure hatred and revenge. It's Ashley attempt to be a one-woman axis of evil and to create a crisis where none exists.

The Spawn of all Evil

March 14, 2005

If it weren't for the fact that Gloria Abbott is up against Ashley Carlton in her quest to get a firm grip on some of the Abbott fortune it would be easy to despise Gloria's gold-digging ways.

Not so much because Gloria wants a fair share of what is rightfully hers, not because John 'Yawn' Abbott didn't know better to have Gloria checked out before marrying her and thus deserves to have his golden nest egg scrambled, but because Gloria keeps saying she wants the money for her boys Kevin Fisher and Michael Baldwin.

If only Gloria would come clean she might be better liked. A well-to-do lawyer, son Michael doesn't need the money and a better way to help son Kevin would be to instill a sense of work ethic in the crazy kid by encouraging him to get a job or go back to school so that he might make something of himself. Allowing Kevin to think he can slide until the gravy train comes along is just wrong. For Gloria to do the right thing would require truth and honesty but everyone knows how truth in Genoa City is so abhorred.

Gloria's darkness aside who can help cheer her on? Who wants her to take Ashley down a peg or two or maybe kill the bitch? Is there any doubt that Ashley's passing herself off as a bloated Abbott family loyalist is so much propaganda? Is there any question Ashley needs to be slapped down following her lizard-like attack on Monday when she again demanded Gloria explain having met with a lawyer?

Not that it's any of Ashley's goddamn business, but didn't Gloria tell her? Didn't Michael Baldwin tell her even though doing so he technically violated client-attorney privilege? Well, yes. They've both told Ashley but the sperm-stealing bitch, and it can't be emphasized often enough that Ashley is a bitch, had the audacity to say she wanted to hear it again from Gloria.

Gloria was appalled. Why would she share her most personal conversations with a woman out to destroy her marriage? Out to take away any chance she'll be sitting pretty and firmly in control of the Abbott fortune?

Why? Because Ashley said so. Said that if Gloria has nothing to hide she won't mind chattering like a magpie on speed. Won't mind sharing her innermost secrets in exchange for scoring brownie points with her husband's daughter who really isn't Yawn's daughter.

When will Gloria find out about Ashley's true paternity and use it against her? Hard to say. Maybe never. For now Gloria is content with breaking the cardinal rule: Never tell the enemy your plan of attack. Playing right into Ashley's blood-stained hands she participated in a question and answer session.

Yes, she spoke with Baldwin about the old man's will and what she'll get when the geezer dies.

Oh, wait! Ashley was confused. Didn't Gloria say she hadn't talked to Baldwin even though Gloria said she had and Baldwin said she had and Ashley saw Gloria at Baldwin's office and what did Ashley think they were doing? Playing Tidily Winks?

Now Gloria was confused. Was Ashley trying to trap her?

Fool!

Ashley said she already had. Said she's got Gloria by the nipples and by God she's going to use this information, this knowledge that Gloria spoke with a lawyer, against her. Ashley said too she knows Gloria and Baldwin have spoken before. They're up to something and, well, it's so pointless because what in hell could they be up to given that Gloria is not yet in the will?

It occurred to Gloria that the snarling, sanctimonious roadblock to the true meaning of family was spinning the truth. She must have known that if Ashley was to tell her lie enough times Yawn would buy it as gospel so to avoid this Gloria said she might launch an offensive of her own to cut Yawn off at the pass.

Calling Gloria a "scared rabbit" Ashley double-dared her to tell Yawn. She'd find out that Yawn never chooses his "beauty" over his wife. Had Ashley's you-better-talk-to-me if you want those brownie points mentality not ended when it did those observing this mindless dribble might have launched their own offensive called "Oh just shut the hell up you buncha bickering little simps of the world."

We are so tired of Ashley's very own set of raging intolerant lopsided values and hatreds and fiery finger-pointing and if you don't agree you are gonna burn and pay. We are so tired of Ashley out of her league pretending to be so righteous when she's nothing but a baby-killing sperm thief.

Before we chastise Gloria for her wickedness let us first cut off the source. The spawn of all that is evil, Ashley Carlton.

Hey, hey, ho, ho. Jack Abbott Has Got to Go!

February 28, 2005

It was painfully obvious this week that Ashley Carlton is inept and should have the scissors she's running with taken away. It doesn't matter that she's skilled at stabbing her brother in the back or that Jack Abbott needs a good sticking.

Learning that nobody, not even her estranged husband, thought to call her in Paris to ask if she'd heard that the family business was being sold, that such sale would cut her share in half, the baby-killing, sperm-stealing bitch ran straight to Victor Newman this week to ask why he let it happen.

And Newman's reply, in a calm and respectful nutshell, was, "Bite me."

Had Ashley relapsed into another fog? Had she forgotten that Victor has no power at Jabot? That he works there gratis as a consultant? What did she mean his credibility was on the line? As a member of the board of directors at a time when Jabot faced doom, thanks in part to her putting all of Jabot's product in a single warehouse and then cutting the insurance, shouldn't she have been paying attention?

Theoretically Ashley squeezed the great man's testicles. "What do I tell [those] who lost half their investment?" she actually asked, as if those affected don't already know. Never mind that she's a raving lunatic with no clear understanding of, well, anything except baby killing, ripping off sperm and remaining friends with the woman who seduced her husband and knew that Victor was being hammered with Abbott hostility at every turn, what was Victor going to do now? Why wasn't he taking the blame for this mess?

Because he knew he wasn't exactly dealing with the most nimble intellects Victor asked if Ashley might have a bright idea. Silly, of course she did. She wanted to rush right over to tell Katherine Sterling that had she not been traipsing around Paris the deal would never have gone through and to make it stop.

Sterling laughed. Who did these fools think they are? Where did Ashley get off ordering her to end anything? What the hell was the problem? Wasn't Ashley happy that Jabot's problems have gone away? Shouldn't she be content with sitting back, racking in the profits as Jabot returns to the giant it once was?

Out of hot air, with no justification whatsoever for her ranting demands, Ashley deflated like the blowup doll she is. Thanks anyway, you old bitch. On their way out the door Victor took a swipe at Sterling's questionable mental state. Hadn't she learned anything from the Elliot Hampton fiasco? Didn't she think it weird that Jack Abbott allowed Hampton to flee the country with a good portion of her fortune? Will it take Abbott's destruction of Chancellor Industries to make the old drunk understand that Jack is "slippery and two-faced"?

Well, yes, apparently Sterling needs to see with her own tired eyes just how economically destructive, ethically corrupt, locally loathed, deliberately tyrannical and worst-dressed businessman in Genoa City history Abbott is. She needs to see the petulant, screeching child throwing toxic little tantrums on a magic orchid whim for only then will she know why the torch bearers are chanting, hey, hey, ho, ho. Jack Abbott has got to go.