News Archives - 2005
Michael Baldwin
See also:  Lauren Fenmore  Kevin Fisher  Gloria Fisher-Abbott  Tom Fisher

The Ugly American

December 16, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

The crew from a small love boat in the Caribbean apparently sent a mayday reporting that their boat exploded and fire erupted leaving them stranded upon the sandy shore of an island they'd been anchored off. In the area at the time, a Coast Guard cutter responded immediately.

"The investigation is on-going," LTJG Romeo Chavez told reporters before local police claimed jurisdiction and confirmed signs of "an explosive" had been found.

Indigenous witnesses on shore reported having seen the boat "go boom" and that at the time of the explosion the boat skipper and crew were on shore gathering nuts and giving snorkeling lessons.

"There's nothing irregular about our leaving a guest alone on the boat while we forage and play on shore. Far as I know, all love boats do it," said the skipper, who refused to identify himself.

The woman left alone was Wisconsin socialite Lauren Fenmore. On honeymoon at the time following her marriage to infamous Genoa City attorney Michael Baldwin, Mrs. Baldwin's fate was not immediately known.

"It was perfectly safe to leave my wife on the boat while I went snorkeling with the Captain," a distraught Mr. Baldwin said, and when told there had been an explosion asked, "What are you saying?"

What's being said, what's obvious, is that an explosion ripped through the boat. Mrs. Baldwin was onboard at the time and while her body has not been found, is thought to be dead.

"This be berry, berry scary," said one witness who recalled a similar event in 1980 when another Genoa City resident, one Katherine Chancellor, jumped off a ship near Jamaica. Rescued by a Cuban revolutionary, Chancellor was taken to a remote island where she learned how to clean fish.

Had this been the actual reaction to a boat exploding on the open water it might have been believable had it not been for the fact these are people from Genoa City we're dealing with. These are freaks who think they can call the governor and get instant results because they are so damn self-important.

Consider what really happened. Taken to police headquarters, Michael started ordering people around. He demanded more than one helicopter be placed in service to search for Lauren and then accused the boat skipper of allowing the bomb to explode when he was happier than a pig in slop that the man had taken him snorkeling and knew damn well Lauren was alone on the boat.

When he couldn't get any satisfaction, Michael placed a call to the Governor's office and you had to wonder; what governor was he calling? The governor of the Virgin Islands? The West Indies? Is there a governor of Caribbean? Or, did Michael call the governor of Wisconsin and if so what did Michael expect him to do? Call the United Nations? Issue a decree that starting now whenever tourists from Genoa City find themselves in trouble on a remote island that the local tribesmen are to be at their beck and call because they're Americans?

"I want every available copter here helping," Michael sputtered as if he was Victor Newman - or someone.

Moreover, if Michael had a brain, if he'd stopped being an ass long enough, he might have remembered: Victor has a fleet of helicopters at his disposal. If only Michael could cool his jets long enough there would be Newman employees and contractors scurrying about as they did in Africa during the search for Malfunction Winters.

But no, this is Michael Baldwin. A nobody who somehow thinks people are supposed to drop what they're doing just because his nobody wife is missing. And par for the course, the skipper had to get on his knees to plead with Michael to believe that the boat was perfectly maintained and had just passed a safety inspection the week before.

"Obviously not well enough," Michael sneered, as officers actually paraded pieces of the wreckage before him because there isn't any crime scene to be maintained and wreckage isn't taken to a secure government location to be reconstructed. Instead, some flunky stone age police department is allowed to taint the wreckage by running tests on it so they might personally inform Mr. Baldwin they found traces of an explosive which must mean the boat blew up and therefore they suddenly have a "criminal investigation on our hands" and where, oh where, is Hank Weber when you need him?

Where is the Police Chief asking questions like, "What's that you're mumbling Mr. Baldwin? Tom? Tom who? That man who threatened your family? Gosh, you mean to tell us you know your life was in danger but didn't tell the boat skipper? You didn't bring along your personal security and left your wife alone while you went swimming with the fishes? Doesn't that make you just slightly culpable Mr. Baldwin?

Now what, Mr. Baldwin? Are you trying to bribe us? Writing a check to keep the Coast Guard searching at night when it's pitch black? What do you take us for, fools? What that's you say? You need a miracle? What the hell is wrong with you Mr. Baldwin? Do you think this is Genoa City where Cassie Newman floats in the air handing out miracles like Dr. Olivia Winters hands out cough medicine? Get a friggin' grip! Tell you what, Mr. Baldwin. You stand over here and make a call to your psycho brother. Bawl into the phone as you tell Kevin Fisher something terrible has happened when for all you know your lovely wife is alive and well and probably on an island right about now learning how to clean fish.

When you're done crying like a baby Mr. Baldwin I want you out of my sight. Don't go far either. I may have some questions for you. You should know that when a man's wife dies the first person we suspect is the husband. And don't give me that crap you were swimming. I'm sick of you ugly Americans coming to our pristine islands and throwing your weight around like you own the place."

For a Few Dollars More

September 27, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

There's something deranged about a man who would ask Ashley Carlton to help take down Tom Fisher. Ashley is a woman, well, she's looks female on the outside and did have breast cancer, who can't even drive an SUV without killing her own child. This is a woman who forgave Dr. Olivia Winters for having sex with her husband and the list of incompetence goes on. Nevertheless, Michael Baldwin this week made it official. He wants the baby-killing, sperm-thieving bitch to make Tom pay for what he's doing to both his family and hers.

Not that Tom doesn't deserve to be nailed to a board by his testicles and pushed off a cliff, but why does it always have to be about hate with these people? At first Ashley was less than enthusiastic. Not after Michael failed to protect her from Tom. Not after she went smelt fishing with a man she knew nothing about. But the more she thinks about it the more Ashley will probably do what Michael wants. Revenge, after all, is so sweet.

If Michael was any kind of man he wouldn't be hiding behind a woman's skirt. If he had a pair, Michael would find a legal means to get Tom out of his hair. A probe here, a probe there, and who knows? Michael might discover Tom is wanted for income tax evasion, or a pedophile or, since Tom is one, a terrorist. Isn't terrorism something the government wants to fight? Wouldn't a call by Michael to Feds wherein he mentions there's one of those sleeper cells snoozing in a Genoa City backyard cause the terror alert level to increase? Wouldn't it be worth a try even if the best the Feds can find is J.T. Hellstrom sleeping in a tent?

The best Michael can do is make empty threats. Why, if Tom so much as breathed on the whore he's about to marry, "He's a dead man!" If Michael finds out where Tom is staying he'll huff and he'll puff and he'll blow Tom.

"Tom could be dangerous," Michael lamented Tuesday, as Lauren Fenmore suggested he cool his jets.

Could be dangerous? Has Michael not been paying attention? Has he not listened to Tom say repeatedly he wants to make life miserable for the Fishers and the Abbotts and anyone with the misfortune of being on his crap list? What part of dangerous does Michael not get? Why, when Lauren said she'd run into Tom at the Motor Arms Motel and that he has a room at the same motel where her son's "writing partner" is staying, did both Michael and Lauren not figure it out?

"Maybe Scott's friend was unfortunate enough to run into him [Tom]," Michael said, shrugging off the more than a coincidence that in a city as big as Genoa City is supposed to be, Tom and 'Brenda' just happened to find rooms at the obscure Motor Arms.

And Lauren, getting dumber by the day, asked, "Why would you say that?" when had she more than a pea brain would have asked herself the same question. Knowing too that Tom poses a danger, that something is not right, that the world is off its axis, added, "I'm not going to let that creep ruin our future." In Lauren's Sharon Newman-like mind, any attempt to get Tom out of their miserable lives will result in Tom having won the game. The best thing they can do now is show Tom he's not winning, when it's obvious, he is winning. After thinking these words of wisdom over, Michael quipped, "That makes sense," then, promising Lauren he'd leave well enough alone, rushed off seeking Ashley's help.

With all due respect to the blind, there's nothing more pitiful than watching the blind leading the blind. They bump into things, fall down, have their walking sticks stolen, their handout cups ripped off and like Michael and Lauren often get lost. If Michael was half the man he's trying so hard to be, if he can't bring himself to go to the cops, he'd a least resort to violence. Didn't he say he likes revenge? For a few dollars, far less than what he's given Tom so far, Michael could have Tom taken out in a heartbeat. Doesn't he know there's a Mob in town that does that sort of thing? Granted, he doesn't want Vinny Trabuco handling the job, but surely there must be a competent hit man somewhere.

How much longer must this nonsense go on? How much longer are innocent people going to allow themselves to be pushed around by thugs? When will Michael vow he's going to get Tom dead or alive, invade the Motor Arms Motel and then declare mission accomplished?

While we're at it, let's do an update on the lost and stupid Scotty Grainger. Why does this kid keep telling what is pretty much a total stranger, a woman old enough to be his mother, the most intimate details of his personal life? Why does he keep telling Brenda (Sheila Carter) he's got this feeling Lauren is hiding something from him but refuse to discuss the matter even when Lauren keeps pressuring him to do so? Why, when Scotty knows Kevin Fisher knows more about his childhood than he does, does he not think it strange Brenda wants to go back to Canada so that based on the one or two chapters of a book he's written a publisher there will put it into print and on that day Scotty can return to Genoa City where his "family" will throw him another homecoming party?

Why? Because these people are freaks. They are delusional pussies. They make David Kimble and Rick Daros look intelligent. The Pillsbury dough boy is scarier then all of them combined. Need more proof that we haven't seen anything yet? That Sheila's first attempt of many on Lauren's life with fail? Read on.

Battle of the Best Men

July 13, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Maybe it's just me. Am I the only one confused? Did Victor Newman say he'd be Michael Baldwin's best man? Gloria Fisher-Abbott said so. She told her son the great man is "going to stand up for you at your wedding."

Funny, that's not what Victor said at all. He did say he's "looking forward" to attending the wedding and unless I'm mistaken said this before Gloria invited him. She said too that Baldwin considers Victor his "mentor" to which Victor replied Michael is "a damn good lawyer" and "somewhat of a good friend."

For someone somewhat a friend Gloria took this to mean that since her son and the mustache are "close" Michael would be "thrilled" if Victor went to the wedding. Not as a mere guest, but as one of Michael's grooms. Or was it best man? Gloria is so twisted you never know what she means. Victor said emphatically he'd have to "think about" that proposal which is when Gloria zoomed away to tell Michael she'd picked out his best man. Michael wasn't thrilled.

Think about this.

Are Victor and Michael best of friends? Didn't they conspire to have toxic cosmetics place at eye-level on store shelves? Sure, Victor said he never knew Michael planned to bribe people with all the money he gave him, so does that make them pals?

Does last Christmas ring a bell? Remember when Christine 'Bug' Blair ran into Victor at the Little Shop of Horrors while she was doing some last minute shopping on Christmas Eve? Remember when the Bug asked if Victor would like to play Santa to the city's biggest baby? Did not an exceptional in the giving mood Victor arrange to have Michael make a trip to the ponderosa under the guise of dealing with an urgent business matter? Why, yes. He did.

In fact, as Michael waited for Victor to grace the living room with his presence the Newman kids began appearing like tiny elves. Michael helped the new and improved Noah hang a stocking, chatted with the highly intellectual Cassie, was greeted by a sparkling Nikki who offered her famous grog and said hello when the adult wearing diapers Nick and Sharon arrived with Katherine Sterling, the Bug and clueless detective, Paul Williams. If Michael hadn't known better he might have thought it was a setup which, or course, it was.

Somewhere along the line the Bug and Clueless scooped up Michael's evil brother, Kevin Fisher. The same Kevin that Clueless had once subjected to brutal persecution. They didn't bring the firebug along so much because they wanted to be friendly and peaceful, but because the Bug's cold heart had "gone out" to Kevin and they didn't want him to be alone probably for fear he might torch another restaurant or give some minor child an STD.

Once house guests Bobby and Brittany Marsino had joined the crowd and they were all milling about Victor appeared with a copy of the Reader's Digest condensed version of the Christmas Carol with instructions for Michael to read aloud selected passages from the story about Ebenezer Scrooge and Tiny Tim.

"I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Sprits of all Three shall strive within me," Michael brayed until he had echoed the words of Tiny Tim asking God to bless everyone and sounds of I'll Be Home for Christmas warbled over the built-in Muzak system.

And so it came to pass that Victor bestowed upon Michael the greatest gift of all. The rare and splendid opportunity to spend Christmas with his rowdy family so that truly, Michael might experience what Christmas with a woman married more times than Bayer has pills, what Christmas with a man with more children sprung forth form his seed women will risk everything to steal, what sharing the holiday with a boy in a man's body who just days ago couldn't stand being in the same room with him and a shallow girl pretending to be the world's greatest mother willing to spread her legs for total strangers, was like.

It was Michael's wondrous opportunity to see how a family does not mention that darling daughter Victoria Newman was not home, had not called or sent a card for the second consecutive Christmas. That Victor had not once mentioned his son, Victor Jr., or the boy's mother, Hopeless Adams now living in Kansas. That Nikki had not mentioned her sister, Casey Reed, living in Nevada. That Katherine was there without her daughter, Jill. That Clueless never once spoke of the son he stashed in Los Angeles, or the Bug mention her father is still alive out there, somewhere.

So there. Were tears not streaming from everyone's eyes? Were they not feeling all warm and fuzzy? Was there any doubt Michael would never again go around Genoa City with his chin dragging on the ground, full of humbug and spouting hate for Christmas? Was this not the greatest story ever told? So why then, given the gift of peace on earth, goodwill towards men, was Michael not thrilled to learn Victor will not only be at his wedding, but his best man too? Had he forgotten? Didn't Gloria get the word? On June 23 Michael asked Kevin to be his best man.

Working Stiff as in 6 Feet Under

June 30, 2005

When attorney Michael Baldwin was found guilty of sexual harassment in 1992 it cost him his job. He was also scolded by the Wisconsin Supreme Court, later apologized to Christine 'Bug' "Romalotti and said he was leaving town. Except he never left. What he did was gain access to his former wife's apartment adjacent to the Bug's.

While Hillary - a former employee Baldwin had married thinking newlywed status would help him win the case against the Bug (and who had subsequently dumped him when she heard a taped confession made without his knowledge) - was out of town Baldwin knocked a hole between the two walls. The ensuing failed rape was foiled by private detective Paul Williams and Baldwin eventually went to prison.

It's what happened in between that is of much consternation now that Baldwin has implied murder might be the way to get rid of Terrible Tom Fisher. To get even for what the Bug and her husband, Danny Romalotti had done to him Baldwin arranged to make it look as if Danny was involved with a woman named Rebecca. As the sexual harassment suit dragged into 1993 Baldwin shocked everyone when he submitted an illicit photo of Danny with Rebecca suggesting the Bug and Danny were experiencing marital difficulties. When Rebecca found out she tried blackmailing Baldwin and got murdered for her trouble.

While he wasn't actually seen doing the dirty deed there could be no doubt what Baldwin took out of the trunk of his car that cloudy day. Rebecca's corpse! Rebecca was never seen again and nobody missed her. That Baldwin is capable of murder is a somewhat thrilling prospect at a time when so many in Genoa City deserve to die, Terrible Tom Fisher in particular.

That Fisher turned down Baldwin's bribe this week - a one-way ticket out of town and $5K for 6 months so as to maybe make Fisher's claim of being a "working stiff" come true - set the stage. Fisher's added threat to tell old man John 'Yawn' Abbott his wife may still be legally married to another man should have been the trip wire needed to totally set Baldwin off. He can be devious when he wants to be. If anybody can get away murder in this town Baldwin is the man to do it. We wish him well in that endeavor.