Business News Archives - 2005
See also: Part 2
See Also: Gloria Fisher  Brad Carlton  John Abbott  Cosmetics War

White Wine and Bad Ideas

December 26, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

The chain of spas concept put forth my Genoa City webmaster Phyllis Summers and Jabot Cosmetics executive Nikki Newman is a good one. Residents here who can afford such luxury have for years been forced to flee to California whenever their stress reached such levels only a good packing in mud would do. Mud, with its rejuvenating properties, also did wonders for the elderly with sagging faces and the young with sunken eyes the best chemical product from Jabot Cosmetics couldn't fix. From Christine 'Bug' Blair to Victoria Newman socialites breathed a sigh of relief when an athletic club opened smack dab in the heart of the city. Having been graced with the generic name 'Athletic Club' nobody cared who owned it so long as there was a club available anyone could join.

And join they did. By the droves they flocked. Young and old alike shelled out good money for membership cards. The best part of having a card was that they never had to show it at the club's front desk. The instant access did raise a few eyebrows, however. When outsiders were found at the club they were often chastised for rubbing elbows with the elite but no action was taken to keep them out. It wasn't like members could complain to the club's owner because nobody knows who owns the club. Former RoadKill Cafe proprietor Gina Roma claims to manage it but she's never said who she works for and does nothing whenever she runs across unwanted guests.

The problem seems to be that the club cannot control who comes and goes because besides being a gym, it's a restaurant/bar and motel. Complete with day-care and playrooms for the kiddies, the Athletic Club recently installed whirlpools but this hasn't alleviated the need for a full-blown spa. Yes, incredible as it may seem, business hub of the Midwest that it is with not one but two cosmetics giants, there is no spa in Genoa City.

That's why the concept is a good one. Unfortunately, like so many business projects that go bust, Mrs. Newman's having to negotiate with her employer before she can open a string of spas is laughable. It spits at credibility because Nikki Newman is filthy rich. A snap of her fingers or a good blowing in her husband's ear and she can have whatever she wants. On the off chance that Mr. Money Bags, Victor Newman, might be acting senile and unwilling to make his wife's every desire come true, Nikki can always go to her best friend, and woman she thinks of as the mother she never had, if she doesn't have the money. As owner of Chancellor Industries, Katherine Sterling has money to burn. One word from Nikki about a chain of spas is all it would take to have them popping up all over the city like little gofer holes.

That's just one reason why the Genoa City News business editors can't get too excited about Nikki and Phyllis' dream or their pointless meetings with Jabot CEO Jill Abbott who is but a worthless figurehead. Another reason is that Victor has already told Nikki her wish is his command yet she's stepped into some loyalty crap by wanting Jabot's blessing before proceeding. And finally, reason #3 concerns what role Phyllis plays beyond that of the mother of the boy who was forgiven his role in the death of a cherished member of the Newman family. With no real business expertise, Phyllis' only connection to the chain of spas idea depends on Nikki's continued patronization.

In other business news, cosmetics giant AVON had no reaction to a report that Newman Enterprises Cosmetics has set a new record with its sale of the toxic chemical known as Beauty of Nature (BoN). Newman spokesgeek and CEO Victoria Newman said Monday that sales "went through the roof" following an appearance in St. Louis by company whore, um, spokesmodel Sharon Newman.

Related by marriage to competitor Mrs. Nikki Newman, Mrs. Nick Newman didn't get all the credit, however. Her overnight success has been attributed to guru, former Abbott pool boy and Newman stockholder, Brad Carlton. As such, it was decreed Monday that both Carlton and Newman will go on a whirlwind West Coast tour starting in Washington State regardless of their vehement objections.

In a stunning show of force, Miss Vikki, as she's known in the industry, said, "We can issue an executive order that will force these two to work together".

Present at the time of her employer's statement, Mrs. Newman didn't know quite how to react except to wave her hand in front of her sister-in-law's face and ask if Miss Vikki had seen the ring her brother had given her for Christmas. Looking like something from QVC, the rock was said to represent ten years of marriage and as such was reason enough to put off taking a tour when she should be giving one of her love tunnel to husband Nick.

The sexual innuendo was overwhelming. It cut off any discussion of why anyone, much less the CEO of a corporate giant, would think for a moment that forcing someone to do something they don't want to do would be in any way good for business. When the meeting abruptly ended with the participants walking out in a snit, Miss Vikki sputtered, "What is causing this tension?"

Without saying point blank, "Look, you know I'm a slut. You know I can't keep my hands off married men, let Cameron Kirsten pound me into a bloody piece of hamburger, did the stable boy before you could and I'm so hot for Brad I can't stand it," Mrs. Newman gave Miss Vikki a clue when she got her to say that she and Brad are "serious" about their own incestuous relationship.

And still Miss Vikki didn't get it. "Let's see. You're the biggest slut I know, you can't keep your eyes off Brad and my brother is acting strange again like the last time you cheated on him," she didn't say exactly, but did ask sister Sharon, "Do you have any idea why?"

Is it any wonder then that AVON, or any real cosmetics giant, had no reaction to booming BoN sales? They know the people running Newman Enterprises are lonely. So, so lonely, sitting over in the far corner of the cosmetics world, all by themselves, nursing on their nepotistic and incestuous teats, smelling of white wine and bad ideas.

Unrelenting Boredom

November 10, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Here we go again. It's like this dark plague is eating Genoa City and won't stop until every morsel has been consumed and then spat out in one, big gob like something a 3-pack-a-day smoker hacks up in the morning.

Can we just say we get it? Can we accept that cosmetic company top executives are actually in touch with the distributors and all but driving the trucks delivering their toxic goop to stores and even ringing up sales at the register as long lines of shoppers wrap around the building? Does it matter that we've never seen anything like this; that in its wildest dream AVON would never do something as cheesy as streaming video on the Internet of it's unknown, never seen before, spokesgeek?

We also get that at the very moment Sharon Newman was to make her debut on "live TV', the computers crashed. This is what happens when a major company like Newman Enterprises is still using Commodore 64s. So, okay. Crap happens. Can the big wigs at NE get over it?

Now they're bawling. Now they're suspecting Phyllis Summers of sabotage, and damn that CEO Nick Newman. He let Phyllis, a former employee now working for the competition, tinker with the computers just prior to the company's big rollout. Now they don't know what they'll do.

"We're ruined! Ruined I tell you," you can almost hear Brad Carlton and Victoria Newman squawking.

"Now we'll all have to find new jobs," you can almost hear Dru Winters squealing.

"What do I tell the warehouse?" you can almost hear Neil Winters moan, as these boobs run around like chickens with their heads cut off.

What can be said about any company depending on Internet sales for its survival? What's so hard about calling in the technicians who should be at Newman beck and call to fix the damn problem and this time make it so outsiders cannot tamper with the operating system? For one thing, it's hard to permanently fix things when the CEO is doing the tampering.

Yes, you read right. We're going out on a limb here at the GCN, but we're going to say it. Nick is in cahoots with Phyllis. He so desperately wanted to get even with his sister and Brad he was willing to sabotage his own, ahem, his father's, company. As stated, this is not a big deal as only the web site went down, except this is a company depending on the Internet to generate sales. This is Nick Newman; a slug who stabbed his own father in the back.

As it turned out, the problem was attributed to a "bad chip" which, when replaced, had the entire system fully operational. Sales continued booming. Phyllis called Nick to say the crash wasn't her doing. She told Jill Abbott just the opposite. She tampered with the system because she could. It's all a game to her. Unless someone finds the "backdoor" she left open, the system is free to do with as Phyllis pleases. Doesn't matter that it might be illegal, not to mention immoral and unethical, Jill allowed her to keep it quiet. Never can tell when a juicy secret for which to blackmail someone with might come in handy.

Back at toxic dumpsite central, the boys and girls who moments earlier at been at each other's throats, we slapping themselves on the back.

"I want to say this was a team effort. We couldn't have done it without all of you," Neil beamed, followed by loud cheers and applause.

And so it came to pass. Another example of hatemongers and power sluts evil bred of ignorance and gurgling ego and impotent weeping. Theirs is an evil so repulsive it makes you shudder as if you accidentally touched Anthrax at the post office. There is more gut-wrenching evil to come as we mustn't forget J.T. Hellstrom is searching for an expert in computer espionage with the ability to ferret out the bad guys. For the next several days, nay, weeks, there will be much consternation and bickering. Who, pray tell, will save Newman Enterprises? Who was Nick working with and will Sharon go off, not down, on him so she might have an excuse to sleep with Brad?

We all pledge allegiance to the concept of law & order and want the bad girls and boys to get what's coming to them, but when the showdown comes and the combatants agree to take each other down another day, we yawn with outrage.

But still we come back for more the next day temporarily convinced that what we've witnessed over and over will somehow change. And hence we glorify these killers and madmen. On one level, we have to care. It is, after all, our world, our life, and we should pay attention to its clowns and dictators and devils. But on that other level, you cannot help but scream, please make it stop, I am just so sick of these cretins and who really cares?

But here's the thing: You can only look at this gruesome chum and wonder: why does this exist? What sort of boring chemical imbalance gave birth to this, what screenwriter and what producer are coming up with these scripts in their dingy basements and saying, lo, we have created something good and dramatic, something that will entertain the masses? Something so repugnant as a means to hollow profit? Something so unrelentingly boring.

Beauty of Nature Rolls Out,

Customers Shop 'Til They Drop

November 9, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Please do not blame Sharon Newman. Please don't hate her or slap her on the ass and ask, "Do you really think you're a star?"

Sharon doesn't know any better. She has tiny rocks in her head that bounce around when she looks up and down and sideways. They interfere with her common sense, not that she wasn't smart at least once during her meaningless life so far when she married into the rich Newman family. Yes, Sharon thinks going on a web site "live" and having her grainy image streamed to five or six computers is what being a star is all about.

Like a certain president, Sharon must read from a script. She must convince herself that consumers worldwide waited with baited breath for the grand rollout of Newman Enterprises' latest chemical concoction, Beauty of Nature. Sharon must be wearing BoN when she goes on the web for fear customers will know she's a fake and doesn't believe in the product she was chosen to represent from a staged competition to make her nepotistic employment not seem so rigged. As a nervous Sharon says she's never been on "Live TV" before, in her mind she hears, "We're ready for your close-up Mrs. Newman" and scurries off to wow and dazzle her audience, small as it may be.

Newman yes-man Neil Winters on the other should know better. He has, it's claimed, a college degree. He knows, we presume, when he's being walked all over and treated like a slave. He's grumbled many times of being passed over and not treated like an equal. Yet here Neil was on Wednesday doing his brown-nose best; taking calls from chicks named "Babs" in Tennessee who tell him the warehouse in Memphis is stacked to the rafters with BoN and passing the information along to rollout executive Brad Carlton.

Carlton, a former hedge clipper and poolboy, his education questionable, is pleased. He orders Neil to keep track of BoN inventory in the event store shelves need restocking at a moment's notice. Not questioning why he, or any of the big wigs aren't, like Victor Newman, sitting back and watching others do the grunt work, Neil does think it's "premature" given that stores are responsible for their own restocking and undoubtedly ordered only a few cases of the goop until its sales have been established. Not that Neil said this in so many words. Right after saying it was premature, he had to ask the boss if it was okay if the warehouses refill orders like any store would have run out in less than an hour of the rollout.

But no, this is Genoa City. The strangest of places where rich and well-connected women like Dru Winters worry that should BoN flop, she and other company executives will be looking for new jobs. As if, that would ever happen in a city where nepotism and cronyism are the only requirements for employment. A place where only Dru would have to ask if Sharon feels threatened by her sister-in-law dating Brad and Nick Newman says that working is good for Sharon and she replies the job "changed my whole life."

Genoa City, the only place where customers really do, apparently, shop 'til they drop.

Computer Espionage

November 4, 2005
by Brent Kellogg 

Big shoes to fill. That was my first impression this week when little Nick Newman threw the gauntlet at Brad Carlton. Brad has an ulterior motive. Brad is sucking around Nick's sister. Brad is scheming his way to the top by being Victoria Newman's right hand and Nick won't let it happen on his watch. Nick won't put up with Brad in any way, shape or form even though he didn't object when he knew beforehand it was Victoria's intention to hire Brad. Now Nick says "not on my watch" as it unfolds on his watch. Nick says this because he remembers when Jack Abbott (whom he recently thanked again for playing pretend daddy) and Brad tried to "steal" Victor Newman's company.

It's true that Brad and Jack tried, but Nick conveniently forgets he offered to help them pull it off and stabbed Victor in the back all by himself when he squealed to the Feds about Victor's alleged criminal activity.

Not that the past means anything unless it supports a specific agenda, Brad said his screwing Victor is "ancient" history. Victor himself has all but forgiven Brad and approved putting Brad where he is today because Victor likes to keep his enemies close.

Nick can, and will, bitch all he wants. Brad isn't going away. Why, Victoria and Victor have shown a lot of faith in Brad's expertise. They expect Brad to be committed and by golly, Brad's gonna show 'em. He's gonna speak out about company policy and challenge the diaper-wearing Nick because being a stockholder gives him this right. Brad is fireproof and the sooner Nick gets this through his head the better off Nick will be. But, if it's a fight Nick wants, a fight he'll get.

Yup. Big shoes to fill. How's that square dance call go? All change partners do-si-do? Brad fights Jack. Jack fights Brad. Brad and Jack fight Victor. Now it's puny Nick's turn to play Victor. Now it's Nick giving Jack's former wife, and former Newman employee, full access to the Newman computer system. Even as Phyllis Summers tells Nick she manipulated code in such as way only she can fix it, Nick let's her proceed. Even though Phyllis and Nick worked all-night making repairs to the company website, it wasn't until the next morning that Newman security alerted Victor. So what did Victor do?

He summoned Phyllis all the way to the Newman Ponderosa and she happily made the one-hour drive just to hear the great man mumble. Did she help Nick because she's still feeling guilty that her son may have had something to do with Cassie Newman's death? No? Phyllis said she helped out of the kindness of her heart and at great risk to her professional standing within the community.

"Ah shucks, I was just messing with your head," Victor may as well have said as he went on to say he called around "last night" and found out that indeed Phyllis "averted a crisis". And, as he recalls, she testified for him at his trial at "great personal cost" so maybe she's not such a bad egg after all. And, since Phyllis had claimed to have been up "all night" even though in some parts of the city it was the evening of the next day, Phyllis was summarily dismissed.

Next on his list of people to summon late at night, Victor ordered the hunkmonkey, J.T. Hellstrom to the Ponderosa. In a flash, J.T. was there with what was supposedly "a report" on the background check task he'd been given days ago. Victor wasn't interested in the report. He called J.T. all that way merely to ask him to ask Paul Williams whether Williams knows any experts in computer espionage. Given that earlier Paul had said one of his sources at the phone company would keep him abreast of Ashley Carlton's cellphone calls, there is little doubt Paul has what Victor wants.

But, as is so often the case, the question is: what the hell are these people doing? Oh, I know, we're not supposed to think too much about these things, but wouldn't it be nice if it was the same day and the same hour in all parts of the city? Why can't Victor call Paul himself? Oh, that's right. He might embarrass himself and Paul.

"Hey, Paul. I hear you've been seeing one of the former Newman women. Is Ashley as good in bed for you as she was for me? What? You haven't had her yet. All things, um, come to those who wait, Paul. You might want to keep an eye on your sperm though. The bitch stole mine and now I've got another kid I pretty much ignore. Damn, that's right. You've got kids of your own to ignore. Ah, what the hell, have another," Victor could say.

And why must Victor order two people to drive over an hour burning precious gasoline only to say the dumbest of things that could have been discussed on the phone? What the hell does Victor think Newman Enterprises is? The CIA? Its computers loaded with information the Taliban would love getting their hands on? If this is the case, shouldn't such a company have someone running it other than two children who throw tempter tantrums every five minutes? Does Victor actually take himself seriously? Does he expect others too just because he used a big word like espionage?

The only thing missing was J.T. peeing his pants. "Espionage, Mr. Newman? Wow. Are we gonna catch some bad guys like Scooter Libby?" J.T. did not say, but as usual, should have because, well, you know. This is how lame and convoluted it gets in Genoa City.

The Hot Spike of Incompetence

November 1, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Over the years much has been written in these pages about the nepotism and fraternization that goes on at Newman Enterprises and Jabot Cosmetics just to name two of the biggest offenders. Shock and awe and outrage was especially expressed during the first cosmetics war when members of the Abbott family worked for Newman and vice-versa. Finally, when it appeared that this latest, albeit toned down a notch, war wasn't going to be a repeat we breathed a sign of relief and pretty much ignored the fact that former Jabot employees Brad Carlton and Sharon Newman have since gone to work at Newman.

We took it for granted that Sharon is a brainless twit and whatever skills she claims to possess could only hurt any company dumb enough to hire her. We naturally assumed that Brad is nothing more than an aging pool boy, hedge clipping male slut and thanked the soap gods Traci Connelly isn't eating Bon Bons by the box alone in her room as she watches from the window her illegitimate sister lick the sweat off Brad's hairless chest.

Collectively we may have felt this war would pass into obscurity as the other did and eventually these companies and their executives might get back to at least pretending they know a little something about running a business until it happened. It rolled right over us again, slammed us to the floor, got in our face and screamed, "Things like this happen every day in the corporate world. Get it through your thick head!"

Who knew it would lay bare our deeply inbred sense of reason? Who knew that the co-CEO of a major conglomerate like Nick Newman professes to be, doesn't know the first thing about computers? Who knew that at this pivotal moment in the war the Newman Enterprises web site would crash? Not the corporate site, not the one business leaders around the globe turn to when in need of the company's mailing address, it's cosmetic products site the likes of which is so slick firms like AVON can only dream of competing with it.

Who, in their most horrific nightmare, could imagine that the CEO of any company would actually look at the web site and know, as Nick did, that the site was crashing. What, exactly, did that mean? Was the server down? The hard drive failing? Hell no.

Consumers in desperate need of more toxic goop can't buy the stuff directly from the web! They can't go to their neighborhood Fenmore's Department store or the dealer on the street selling shampoo out of a shopping cart.

So what's a CEO to do? Why, of course. Call in the hack who runs the entire cosmetics division only to find that she doesn't know her ass from her elbow when it comes to computers. And what of the never seen department head? Silly, he/she is out sick and there's not a single goddamn employee in the entire building with a clue as to what should be done.

"Not that it matters," said Dru Winters, placing instant blame for the ailing web site on "sabotage" as only former webmaster Phyllis Summers could perpetrate.

That stretch of the imagination was more than even Nick could handle. Phyllis hasn't worked at NE for months. To say she arranged to have the site crash was ludicrous.

Was it a Y2K thing where on a certain day at the precise moment department heads were out sick, Phyllis, by remote control, set a Trojan to go off? Phyllis hacked into the system because NE is so carefree its computers don't operate behind a firewall and passwords are never changed when sensitive employees terminate?

Dru said she didn't know how Phyllis did it - she just did. As to how the problem might be rectified, Dru suggested Nick ask his sister!

Now there's advice well worth the $200k NE is paying Dru. That's right, ask a freaking moron who can't spell computer to fix one. Again, Nick knew better.

"She got a creative mind," Dru persisted until Nick, idiot that he is, said he better call Victoria right away. As it turned out, Nick went one better. He called Phyllis!

Maybe it's just me, maybe I've become cynical over the years, maybe my head has spun too much from observing these butt wipes playing business leaders, but when the Genoa City News web site has problems we for sure don't call in someone from the Chronicle. Ah, but there Nick was playing into Jack Abbott's hands as damn but what the micro-managing Jabot earwig was telling Phyllis what a great opportunity it would be for her to get into the Newman computer system and steal all its secrets.

And damn but what Phyllis didn't have a pang of guilt. It wouldn't be "ethical" or "legal" she hurled atop the pile of bile she'd already dished out to Nick about "conflict of interest."

Aware that doing anything for the Newmans would be wrong didn't stop Phyllis despite the fact that before going to help Nick she'd been told by Dru her work as a webmaster is "shoddy".

Blowing through the city like a bad hurricane, the idiocy didn't stop there. With an ache deep within his crotch, Phyllis' son was hanging out at the F&B Jitter Joint this day checking out the Girls From Hell Boarding School looking for a way to make contact with Dru's delinquent daughter.

"It looks like a jail," Daniel Romalotti complained, and in the same breath confirmed what the GCN has been saying all along. The "school" Lily's at is a reform school which is not to say it's a bad thing. Lily's lucky she got off easy considering her summer crime spree.

Whining to his mother that he's developed a case of blue balls and just an e-mail from Lily would rock his world, Phyllis gave Daniel the first good, um, piece of advice ever.

"You need to make new friends. Meet someone new."

Phyllis is a good one to talk. If anyone knows how hard friends are to come by in Genoa City, it's Phyllis. Look who she wound up with after playing the field. Ah, but Daniel doesn't want new friends. He wants Lily. He loves Lily like a snake loves toads. Nothing anyone can say or do will change that. No matter how many times he's asked the Winters clan to put him in contact with Lily, no matter how many times they've told him to stay away from their daughter, what did Daniel do?

He asked Dru if she'd arrange for him to speak with Lily! As dumb as Dru is, for the back-stabbing evil bitch she can be, Dru had the smarts to get in Daniel's face and tell him, "How dare you roll up on me like this?" She reminded him again why she sent Lily "halfway across the country" although New Hampshire isn't exactly halfway. And when Phyllis poked her nose into the verbal lashing, Dru whipped her too.

"Why can't you get it through your son's thick skull that Lily is off limits?" she asked, to which always the hypocrite Phyllis - who herself has told Daniel to forget about Lily - spat that the minor child Lily should be the one to make that decision.

So, while it was nice to see Dru going off on these two boneheads like a cockroach treats a dunghill, it didn't detract from the more serious issue. That being Dru, and her business ilk, impaling themselves on the hot spike of incompetence.

Are You Experienced?

October 21, 2005
by Brent Kellogg 

So this email comes in from a GCN reader who doesn't understand why we writers are so critical. Aren't the people and events in Genoa City just so comical? When a two-year-old kid throws his food on the floor the first time, that might be comical to some. When that same kid does it over and over it ceases to be funny and you want to just smack the kid it.

For example, let's look at the diaper-wearing, pretending to be a businessman, Nick Newman. Along the way this report will also look at his playmates, Victoria and Sharon Newman, and newest Newman Enterprises employee, Brad Carlton.

As pushy and bush-league as Brad Carlton is, he was running Ra-Tech and making millions when Nick was still sucking on his mother's teat. Brad has probably forgotten more about business than Nick will ever know. Yet here Nick was Friday saying what a bad-ass business mogul he his.

It all started when Victoria, now interim CEO at NE because weak Nick couldn't handle the job, became suspicious as to why her brother at been at the firm's spokesgeek audition. Had Nick wanted to give his contending wife moral support? Had Nick been interested in why so many executives were involved in something normal business leaders consider a waste of time? Victoria wasn't sure, but she did know she wasn't buying it. Nick has an ulterior motive. Of all the days for Nick to show up at the empire why would he have come to watch auditions? Did he want to give Sharon an edge to winning the spokesgeek/model job?

Sharon swore that if it was Nick's intent to give her an unfair advantage she'd complain. She'd bitch and moan and spew Nick was upsetting the nepotistic balance. And one more thing; while she'd already been hired on - thanks to her well connected family when she has no skills that would in any way qualify her for a job as much more than a janitor - Sharon didn't want to use her pull to get this new position.

Pleased to hear Sharon's moral compass is working properly, Victoria asked if she shouldn't be getting back to work. "Work? Oh, you mean that other job at NE I have, but can't remember what it is because I'm never here?" Sharon did not say, but you know, should have as this, in and of itself, is a classic example of what's not funny.

What also lost it's humor the first day Victor appointed his son CEO, took the job away from him, gave it back, took it away so many times nobody knows for sure anymore who's running the empire, is Nick's sitting behind daddy's desk playing big shot as he was doing when Brad walked in.

After thanking Brad for a job well done in the talent scout department, Nick berated him for tricking reporters into attending the press conference. It was, by all accounts, a stupid thing to do because no winner in the talent search had been announced. Brad was befuddled. Why, if the government can get away with manipulating the Press, why shouldn't Newman Enterprises? Free publicity is a very good price. Besides, the CEO didn't have a problem with it even though Victoria said afterwards she didn't like that Brad hadn't consulted with her.

At this point Nick didn't much give a crap what Brad thought or what Victoria had or hadn't approved and had a few words of wisdom for the inexperienced Brad. Next time, if there is one, let the CEO answer questions from the Press. Brad was appalled. That might be how Nick did things when he was running the show, but guess what. Nick ain't running the show. Victoria is into delegation. She yells jump, and people ask how high.

Nick thought about this for a moment. Well, um, so long as Brad knows who the boss is. Brad said he's aware of the name on the building but that Nick should remember that when he was working for the competition he made "a lot of money" for the company using his "instincts".

The implication that Nick should put his need for greed above all else wasn't shot down by Nick's reminding Brad how Jabot teetered on the brink of bankruptcy for years. No, to bring up historical facts like that wouldn't generate any belly laughs. Better it was for Nick to tell Brad he's got a lot to learn about running a real business and should think of himself as a "student" under the fine tutoring of a kid still green behind the ears.

Well, Brad wasn't gonna take this belittling laying down. He placed a call to the local we deliver anywhere jewelry store and within moments held in his hand a set of earrings which he gave Victoria. Diamonds talk and Nick's BS could take a walk.

Victoria's eyes glazed over when she saw the trinkets, but sadly could not accept them because if she'd told Brad once she'd told him a million times she doesn't romanticize married men. And knowing damn well that his wife had said just the day before she was putting divorce proceedings on hold, Brad told Victoria that the divorce was in the making as they spoke.

Well, that changed everything. Forget that in Genoa City it can take eons for divorces to become final and that those divorced must wait six months before remarrying, Victoria was once again so hot for Brad she gave him a searing load of spit.

And down the hall what was Nick doing? Why, he was welcoming his daddy back home. Yes, the great Victor Newman is back. And where's the first place Victor choose to go upon his airport arrival? To his home with his wife who is still ailing from her minor run in with the Mob? Hell no! To the office to hear Nick say he wants full power bestowed to him again.

Funny? Entertaining? Not when there's been 3,943 variations of this same mind numbing theme. Not when Lauren Fenmore wants to wear a necklace so she can feel pretty as she lays in a hospital bed with what's called a "rare toxic agent" in her blood. Not when, well, you get the point.

Press Fall for PR Stunt

October 20, 2005
by Brent Kellogg 

It was so funny, in a sad way, watching Thursday as "members of the Press" grilled Newman Enterprises talent scout Brad Carlton about what they were doing at a press conference obviously staged to get free publicity for Newman's latest line of toxic cosmetic swill.

"This spokesmodel search is not simply about finding a photogenic woman," Brad responded, revealing for the first time that the company wants more than someone to represent its products; it wants to spawn a "star" who will become the be-all end-all "embodiment" of the company's "revolutionary" personal grooming gunk.

Careful not to say that once consumers have used one shampoo they've used them all, that none of the containers they come in are good for much more than filling up the nation's landfills, or that the use of such chemicals might explain why Lauren Fenmore is losing her mind, Brad said that whomever is selected, the lucky spokesgeek will be out on the campaign trail, doing talk shows, and most everything former Jabot Cosmetics spokesgeek Dru Winters claimed to do, but never did.

"She [the winner] will literally be going from being a total unknown to a celebrity over night," Brad crowed, as the Judy Miller's posing as reporters became slightly suspicious. Is it true a member of the Newman family is in contention? Is that contender the dorky, rocks in her head, Sharon Newman? If yes, wasn't it theoretically nepotistic in that the playing field isn't level?

The truth offended Brad, but he maintained his best Scott McClellan composure. While Sharon is in the running and was present at the conference at the exclusion of all other contestants, it was not to be misconstrued as favoritism.

"Sharon is a valued Newman Enterprises employee," Brad puked, and just when one reporter seemed to have caught a whiff of the stink, former/acting/retired/taking a break for death/ CEO Nick Newman declared that further questions about impropriety would not be tolerated. And again, over objections from the peanut gallery, Brad swore all Newman executives are "open and above board."

Not that a single reporter asked, but had they done their homework they'd know Sharon has been employed by Newman Enterprises for less than 6 months. They'd know she's not a "value" to anyone except maybe the pimps down on 7th Avenue. And not that they bothered to ask, Brad said the spokesgeek winner would be announced at another conference "in a few weeks".

That the so-called Press got snookered proved again that big media is big business - and big business doesn't want to offend the hands that feed them. They go out of their way to spin lies into important news of the day and have an interest in not asking too many questions not pre-approved by those they're asking.

We live in an age where the mainstream news is tailored to achieve corporate bottom line goals, not to get at the truth. In many ways, big media has become a public relations megaphone for the status quo. Journalism pretends to live in some sort of sacred tower, but what we get is not journalism; it's propaganda and celebrity sagas for profit.

A Day at the Office

October 19, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

When it rains, it pours. One day in Genoa City it's the doldrums, and the next it's the dumb-dumbs. The dummies that make up Newman Enterprises that is.

Consider this: Just to be sure I haven't become so complacent that I automatically assume everything is upside down and backwards in Genoa City, I went to see the CEO of a small fast-food empire in my home town to ask if he ever becomes embroiled in his advertising campaigns like the top executives at Newman Enterprises and Jabot Cosmetics.

"You really should find something better to do with your time," Mr. Martin told me, when I confessed that after all these years I'm still trying to make some sense out of the freaky things happening in Genoa City. "I pay people good money to handle the advertising here," Mr. Martin went on, adding that all of the company's advertising is handled by an agency working in conjunction with employees he rarely see unless something major goes awry. Still, Mr. Martin was curious. What had me asking what I should have already known?

As I rattled off the list of things happening at NE on Wednesday alone, Mr. Martin continuously interrupted me with laughter. When I told him how Neil Winters, the COO of the vast Newman empire, squabbled with new employee Brad Carlton over which conference room would be held for spokesmodel auditions, Mr. Martin asked, "auditions?"

The laughter became non-stop when I explained how the company is holding tryouts for a woman to act as its spokesmodel for a new product line thrown together at the last moment due to hit store shelves by Thanksgiving. I had to laugh myself when I told how Neil and his wife were going back and forth about Brad making "the call", how Neil had hired his own wife and how upset they were that given all their power, Brad rides roughshod over them.

"Okay, I've heard enough," Mr. Martin said, cutting me off just as I got to the part where Neil told Brad he needs to "sign off" whenever a change in conference rooms is proposed or any details pertaining to new product rollout. Had I been allowed to continue, I would have gone on at length at how freaked employee Sharon Newman became when she found out at the last minute the script to be used at the audition had been changed and that she'd have to memorize something completely new when she can barely remember her last name.

But, to give credit where credit is due, Sharon should be commended for having the good sense to know that hiring an independent market research group - to select the spokesmodel based on consumer reaction to audition tapes - as her sister-in-law had done, is a joke. The problem is: as soon as you give Sharon credit she goes deeper into intellectual debt.

Forget for a moment that both Victoria Newman and Neil each drove separately all the way to the Newman ranch to give Sharon her copy of the new script and to tell her the audition location had changed. I mean, wouldn't conference room B be next to conference room A? Wouldn't there be signs out front; in the lobby directing contestants where to go?  When Sharon arrived later in the city to audition, the shtick didn't go off as scripted so she improvised. This thinking on her feet was so impressive the audience broke out in applause much to Sharon's delight.

Just when it seemed certain Sharon would get the nod Brad announced that a gaggle of reporters had been gathered in another room for a press conference during which the winner would, perhaps, be announced as if the selection of some spokesgeek was of more importance than the president announcing he wants his cleaning lady to sit on the Supreme Court.

Victoria was livid. As CEO of Newman Enterprises, she makes that call. Not Brad. But, since Brad kissed her ass, was willing to go along with the idea.

And so, after a long day at the office, I'm wondering if Mr. Martin was right. Maybe I should find better things to do with my time.

Fly On Wall Dies After Hearing Toxic Business Conversation
October 4, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

At first I wanted to write my take on Shelia Carter's bid to obtain "untraceable poisons" from a local pot seller her roommate Tom Fisher obtains his stash from, how Tom had to tell her persons who usually deal drugs don't, as a rule, keep arsenic on hand or access to it and Shelia, suddenly remembering she's a nurse, cranked out a fake prescription like those doctors give their death with dignity patients on her laptop, when it entered my head what it might be like being a fly on the wall inside Donald Trump's office. I know, it's totally unrelated, but hey, the Carter/Fisher saga is so off the wall it kinda makes sense my mind would shift like that, no?

Because Trump's office in not readily accessible even by flies, I settled for the next best thing. Listening into a conversation between powerbrokers Nick and Victoria Newman. I tell you, it was utterly amazing. Especially after I'd caught the last part of a meeting between Victoria and Brad Carlton during which Brad brayed how he'd pulled off yet another "coup." This latest marvel had to do with arranging to meet with the editors of three "beauty" magazines in Chicago for a symposium and on the very last day to boot. Brad didn't say how, exactly, he'd made contact with these editors, or gotten them to accept meeting with him to discuss a new line of cosmetics not yet on the market when editors' only interest is with editorial content, not advertising layouts of promotional material, but that he and Victoria would have to leave pronto for Chicago.

If it's one thing all CEOs of major conglomerates want most - keep in mind Newman Enterprises is respected the world over - it's to waste valuable time meeting with editors with zero interest in what they have to talk about. This was especially true in Victoria's case. So much so she was "up for it" and ready to burn thousands of gallons of jet fuel getting there aboard the Newman jet. She did hesitate when Brad said they were leaving in the afternoon, however. "What's the rush?" she asked, only moments after Brad has said the symposium ends tomorrow and they were damn lucky to be getting what sounded like a total of five minutes with the editors.

Well, if that was the case - and it was - Victoria said she wouldn't be able to make the trip due to other pressing matters. Not that it mattered, Brad said he'd scrape up Cosmetics Division head Dru Winters which might be better as he and Dru could discuss their "new" spokesgeek for the Seasons line which, supposedly, is Sharon Newman. While she wasn't exactly devastated, Victoria said it was too bad she wouldn't be tagging along as, in case Brad hadn't heard her the first hundred times, "We make a great team."

As it so happened, Dru was unable to attend the meeting either which was largely odd given that Seasons is supposed to be Dru's "baby". Not that it mattered either, Brad was about to learn his third best choice, Sharon Newman, would go along.

Now I know what you're saying. What about the fly on the wall? I'm getting to that. It's just that there's so much stink in the Genoa City business environment flies are so easily distracted. You see, out at the Newman Ponderosa it was, by local DST, afternoon. Young Noah Newman was out of school already and stashed at the home of a friend because of no little league or soccer practice this day. Nick and Sharon didn't have to worry about making the one hour drive into town to fetch Noah as the friend's mother said she'd love nothing more than return Noah home after feeding him.

Because $3 gallons of gasoline mean nothing to the rich, Nick said he'd spent most of his time the other night "driving around" in circles and eventually learning from Jack Abbott that Brad had obtained shares of Newman stock. This irked Nick on two fronts. One, because he'd been the last to hear about it and two, because it's written in stone somewhere that outsiders can't own anything with the Newman name on it. Had he not taken himself out of the business loop to play soccer mom/coach for the little kiddies Nick might have known. But as it is he's pissed that Brad, with no controlling interest in NE, is "coming in" and telling Newman how to do things. Gosh, how did Pa Newman ever agree to something so "ridiculous"?

Sharon suggested that Nick best discuss the matter with his sister since it was Victoria who went along with the deal. That said, Nick summoned Victoria to the out house on a matter of great urgency. Without asking the specifics, and since she's a Newman, Victoria thought nothing of, you know, wasting gas. Likewise, Sharon was in such a hurry to get back to the office (?) she couldn't wait to catch a ride into town with Victoria (they both live on the Ponderosa) or to see if Nick might be going into town later. By the time Victoria arrived Sharon was already telling Brad she'd be happy to go to Chicago as she knows more about the Seasons line than Dru does.

At long last the fly found a cozy spot on the wall where it thought it would be safe yet close enough to hear the conversation. Why did Victoria give Brad the stock? Because it's a "win/win". No longer can a fuss be made about "conflict of interest" since each company holds stock in the other. As for Newman being a "family company", Victoria said that Brad's stock does not make him an owner. Besides, Brad is too valuable an employee to lose over a little stock. Pertaining to Nick's assertion that "anyone" can do Brad's job, Nick said it ain't so and he doesn't like that Brad was hired even though he knew in advance that Victoria had hired him and his daddy approved the hiring.

Furthermore, Nick said now that Brad owns stock other employees will want stock too! Like, you know, NE stock is now up for public sale - or something. Victoria said, well, shucks. That is a problem. But, as CEO she can't do anything about it now. Nick said it ain't so. As CEO Victoria has the power to do what she wants when she wants. Didn't she know? Well, yes, apparently she does, as Victoria added, "I don't need my little brother to tell me how to do my job."

Finally, as the conversation was going nowhere, Victoria said it was over. She was going back to work to which Nick could only say that someday she'll regret having given Brad, "The keys to the kingdom."

The fly wasn't so lucky. It couldn't leave. The idea that Nick and Victoria are running/working/have an interest in anything more than a pay toilet was so overwhelming, the fly died.

The Epitome of Conflict

September 20, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Besides wondering who in Genoa City made an ass of themselves on Tuesday the big question I can't shake from my head is who will handle legal aspects of the Jitter Joint transfer? It was asked before whether the sale will be handled like the trading of baseball cards, or whether Nick and Sharon Newman will merely pass along their coffeehouse by day, club for all ages by night like those who foolishly put out FOR SALE BY OWNER signs in front of their homes. Maybe it'll be simple like the private sale of a used car.

In many cities transferring the ownership of a business must receive City approval. There must be assurances to the community that new owners Kevin Fisher and Mac Browning won't turn the JJ into a strip club or something equally offensive. These assurances are usually handled by lawyers. So far not a single shyster has been contacted. Fisher hasn't even had the good sense to ask his brother to handle the sale or for legal advise. The only other active lawyer this city has to offer, Christine 'Bug' Blair, is in Kansas.

All-purpose lawyers like John Silva have closed up shop. Last seen in 2004, Silva surfaced long enough to suggest Victor Newman cut a deal with Jabot Cosmetics. Corporate lawyer Mitchell 'Tank' Sherman hasn't been seen since 2003 when he came out of mothballs long enough to tell Jill Abbott he'd hold a competency hearing as to Katherine Sterling's mental state.

So, as we wait and wonder if the Jitter Joint will change hands like hookers change pimps, let's look at the other big business news of the day which was really more like monkey business. Jack Abbott and Phyllis Summers are at it again. Jack wants Phyllis to quit Newman Enterprises and join Jabot. Same as it was a year or two ago, the smell of this nonsense reeks. There was not so much as a mention of seeking Jill Abbott's approval. Jill is, supposedly, the CEO of Jabot. Alas, Jill is but a figurehead with no real power, something the GCN has complained about for years. There was a time when owning 20% of a company had meaning. Not anymore. Especially when giving Jill power would be to give women power which is a no-no in a city where women are treated like property.

The decision to change jobs again was entirely Phyllis'. All she had to do was beat Jack in a video game the two played. No sex, no begging. Just like that, Phyllis will quit NE when she's begged like a dog a number of times to be taken back there. Will the suits at NE get the message this time? Will they understand Phyllis blows with the wind?

This just in: New Jitter Joint owner Kevin Fisher has asked teenager Daniel Romalotti to handle the shop's grand re-opening! Regardless of the fact that to this day Daniel still receives bad vibes, customers give him the stink eye whenever he walks into the place, dorks like Dru Winters consider him a "bad seed" and he was recently accused of killing the shop's most popular smoothie drinker, Daniel agreed. Daniel will arrange the shindig in his spare time when he's not attending school which, given the history of prestigious private school Walnut Grove Academy, will not be mandatory so long as Daniel keeps hot babes like Kelly Stevens busy.

Daniel's latest find, Stevens is expected to keep Daniel's small mind off lover-girl Lily Winters. Now doing time at a New Hampshire reform school, Lily was thought to be the only girl Daniel would ever love. But that's what they all say. Just ask J.T. Hellstrom. No sooner had Colleen Carlton returned to New York but what J.T. got horny for Brittany Marsino. Or was it Mac Browning? Or was it Nikki Newman? As late as Tuesday it was Mac whom J.T. tried, but failed, to get naked with in a hot top open to the public. It doesn't get any sleazier than this.

Or does it?

So excited about his first business, so apparently final is the sale of the Jitter Joint there will be no need for lawyers, Kevin envisioned himself this week on the cover of Economics Weekly along with co-owner, Mac. Sure, it was only a dream. But this is Genoa City where moronic dreams like this come true. Where true business leaders don't point their fingers at freaks like Kevin and Mac and laugh themselves sick. This is Genoa City where bitches like Victoria Newman and Jack Abbott whine about conflicts, where Phyllis Summers can pick and chose where she wants to work, and when she wants to work, when they themselves epitomize the term conflict.

Conflict of Interest?
September 19, 2005

"You both know you have stock in Jabot." This is what Victor Newman told Brad Carlton last week which therefore clarifies the mistaken belief that Newman's daughter, Victoria, has stock in Jabot as well.

At the time it was thought Victor had actually said that Victoria and Brad both had stock in the company, but a review of the videotape clearly shows otherwise. Still, we've got to ask again: Why do Jack Abbott and Victoria keep badgering Brad about this? When has having a conflict ever mattered?

Remember when Assistant DA Christine 'Bug' Blair admitted that persecuting Michael Baldwin and Victor for their part in the last cosmetics war was "a conflict of interest" but took the case anyway? Recall that Dru Winters once worked for Jabot while her husband worked for NE? Recall when lab rat Damon Porter was porking Phyllis (the boss' wife) Summers while she was a NE employee and he was working for Jabot? Remember when Jack flew to Japan aboard the Newman jet? Were those not conflicts?

Who was Jack kidding this week when he told Brad that Jabot made a profit? More importantly, why didn't Brad throw it back in Jack's face? Has Jack forgotten how much of Jabot's debt Chancellor Industries had to eat when it bought Jabot out? Does CI operate like the US government in that it spends billions it doesn't have by adding it to the national debt?

And why didn't Brad ask exactly how much profit Jack was talking about? Does $1 constitute a profit? Apparently, as Brad did tell Jack not to spend it all in one place. Jack said the purpose of hounding Brad, of ordering him to sell his stock, was his way of attempting a "mini-takeover". That in reality Brad wants Jabot to do well and that Brad's employment at Newman Enterprises is a scam to do NE under.

Crazy as she is, and to show she still hasn't a grip on how business in Genoa City works, Jack's former wife, the woman he's screwing again, asked why both companies can't get along when there's obviously room for two cosmetic companies in the mini-megalopolis.

"The world doesn't work that way," Jack said, which was, you know, odd, given that during the last cosmetics war Jack said free enterprise was the name of the game. That NE should play fair, blah, blah. It's important to note this too: Jack dumped Phyllis because she refused to stop working for the enemy. Yet here she is, still working for the enemy. Is this not a conflict? Granted, Phyllis hasn't been at the office in weeks, she hasn't been working on the company's cosmetics website at a time when NE is launching a new line of toxic skin creams and hair shampoos, but she's employed there nevertheless. What else explains how she can jet to Los Angeles, write checks for the first and last months rent on a new pod and pay her son's Master Card bill?

Can't Jack just once say something original? Must he, like a certain failed president, read everything from a script? "Brad has to be neutralized" is Katherine Sterling's line. The old woman who lives in a shoe with strange babies and former strippers first put the word 'neutralize' into Jack's thick head.

"No one goes to a football game hoping for a tie," Jack added, and to prove what a numbskull he is, said, "He's [Brad] a threat to my family's livelihood."

Since when Jack? Since you and Brad teamed up to take Victor down and got your collective ass kicked? Since you just said Brad wants to see Jabot do well? How is that a threat to your family? Wasn't it you, Jack, who was banished from your own family for putting the family business at risk? Did you forget about that minor detail, Jack? Stop being such a freaking hypocrite. You can't have it both ways. If you're so concerned about conflict stop sleeping with the enemy. We are tired of your empty threats and bitching, Jack.

We're tired of hearing you snicker about fairness when you've been planning Victor's demise for years! You've worked so damn hard to drive an ice pick into Victor's heart and when you had the chance to let him die weaseled out of your badass self like a stuck rat squirms out of a hole.

The leeches have drained your soul, Jack. As you fondle Phyllis' pudding thighs she rubs your back looking for the spine which isn't there. You lost it long ago, Jack. You squeal like Daniel Romalotti at a kegger. You are a failure. You are a plethora of grim tales of disaster. You have always been a puppet, out of touch and eternally dumbfounded. Victor and Brad poke their fingers in you and out comes sawdust. You have never had a job that wasn't thanks to nepotism and only got where you are today thanks to Katherine Sterling's friendship with your father. If that isn't a conflict of interest, what is?

Jitter Joint Sold!

September 15, 2005

Without checking first with her husband for permission, and not much more than an hour after Nick Newman had said he had no intention of selling the coffee shop he owns together with his wife, Sharon Newman announced Thursday her intent to sell the Jitter Joint to arsonist Kevin Fisher and aspiring private eye, Mac Browning.

The decision followed a meeting Sharon had with her father-in-law at Genoa City's popular gathering place, the Athletic Club gym. While she told Victor Newman the coffee house by day, club for all ages by night, is crawling with cherish memories and that she didn't want to sell it, Sharon capitulated when Victor told her to sell the damn thing.

"There are times when you have to let what has passed go," Victor snorted, adding he's sick and tired of watching his son and Sharon "drift apart" year after year.

Since prospective buyer Mac was back at the gym just hours after she'd completed a weightlifting session, Sharon didn't have to go far to spread the good news. She was about to say Mac and Kevin can buy the place when Mac interrupted to say how she understand Sharon's reluctance to sell a place with memories such as those of the Newman's precious, but dead, daughter and reminded Sharon she once worked at the JJ as a waitress for all of something like two weeks.

"She was so tiny but she finished her smoothie every time," Mac said of Cassie Newman, noting too that "a part of me" still expects to see Cassie chatting at the shop with her two friends.

Sharon was deeply moved. Of all the people she'd rambled on and on about the shop's memories, Mac was the first to understand how she felt. But it was mostly because Nick had said the shop needs "new blood" that convinced Sharon; Mac and Kevin are the two most deserving of owning it from now on. Who knows, maybe Mac and Kevin can make the dreams Sharon and Nick had for the place come true, like they'd give a rip about Newman dreams. One thing was for sure, with Kevin as new owner of the Jitter Joint it won't be long until someone is hacking up chucks of blood. And another thing. While Sharon doesn't know Mac from much more than a lowly JJ former employee who didn't work there long or very hard, she said Mac is "the one person in this world" she'd trust the JJ with.

Business News
Employment Opportunities
by Brent Kellogg
September 15, 2005

That sound you may hear, that low scraping moan an angry bug makes as it's being squashed, is my colon clenching. That's what a body gets when it attempts to digest the latest cancerous swill spewed forth from Genoa City's demons on Meth.

Sheila Carter needs a job!

This is all well and good because Sheila needs to justify her stay in the city. She can't very well live in motels and eat at fancy restaurants and work out at by-membership-only athletic clubs without a source of income, can she? Sheila just can't show up at the Athletic Club pretending to be 'Jennifer' and get through the front door without being questioned, can she? Why, yes. She can. Like Scotty Grainger who doesn't need a membership and didn't leave word at the front desk that his book collaborator might be stopping by because 'Brenda' said she didn't want to intrude on Scotty's special day, Jennifer can just walk into the joint like she owns it. She can lurk and look stink-eyed and if asked what she's doing there say she's looking for work as a waitress.

Sheila, um, Jennifer, didn't get her job in exactly this fashion because what actually happened is that she overheard the manager say how short on help the club is. What with being in a tizzy throwing Scotty's homecoming party on such short notice and all, and because she's a lard ass and never replaced the bartender and once hired Ether Valentine off the street as a busboy, Gina Roma gave Jennifer a job without so much as a background check. Jennifer wasn't required to pee in a cup or show proof of residency, driver's license or Social Security card or have her privacy violated in any way. All she did was type up a resume, show it to Gina and presto - new employee! No W4 form. Nothing.

Since she went to work right away Jennifer is now free to plot her evil with Tom Fisher much the way gangster Vinny Trabuco plotted with Bobby Marsino. This is how it is in a city where the evildoers have worked so hard to keep the wealthy in a constant state of fear. Imagine too, all the customers Jennifer may wait on. It'll be truly amazing if any ask who this outsider is and if, on the off chance they do, will accept whatever story Jennifer gives them much like Ashley Carlton bought into Tom's story.

One of those living in fear is socialite Nikki Newman. Thought to have recovered from a brief bout with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome - based on her family's lack of concern - it became obvious late this week the old cow is still suffering when a waiter tripped over his lower lip and spilled a tray of watered down drinks. The crash sent Nikki into what she called a case of the jitters, but assured a much concerned hunkmonkey nearby that she's fine and resented anyone who thinks otherwise.

After some discussion, J.T. Hellstrom convinced Nikki to let him drive her to the Newman Ponderosa where he found himself in the right place at the right time. As it turned out Victor Newman - who just hours ago said his daughter makes all business decisions at Newman Enterprises - announced the purchase of what he called, "a plant" as in industrial plant. The impending purchase was of interest to J.T. because Victor said after having watched the way he "handled" himself during Nikki's gangster ordeal he wanted to hire J.T. to run a background check on the plant's employees. Had he known of Jennifer's hire at the club, J.T. might have asked why bother, but didn't.

To her credit, Nikki questioned the hiring of a hunkmonkey who works for clueless PI Paul Williams. The great man flicked away her concern by adding he'd already obtained Williams' permission. It was agreed that J.T, with his vast experience, is capable of doing such work and moreover, Williams has "great confidence" in J.T. Quickly changing her tune, Nikki said she is too, thanked J.T. for all he's done for her, and added she's sure she can count on J.T.

In his new job J.T. will be "sole investigator" reporting directly to Victor as he'll be "dealing with a lot of sensitive information." Discretion will be a requirement too, If anything, J.T. is discreet. His recent armed showdown at the club with Bobby proved it.

"I know how to keep my mouth shut," J.T. told the Newmans, without offering verifying affidavits from the likes of Billy Abbott or Raul Guittierez, two young men J.T. was once thought to have a crush on.

Later, Victor said how "impressed" with J.T. he is, and he's sure the hunkmonkey will do "a fine job".

Jitter Joint Sale Rejected
September 13, 2005

Think of all the $3 gasoline Nick Newman could have saved had he only told Mac Browning and Kevin Fisher to wait a moment when they were visiting the Ponderosa a few hours ago. Taking into consideration his wife's objection to selling their coffee shop, Nick jumped into his SUV for the one hour journey to what has become known as the Jitter Joint to inform the prospective buyers, who he knew in advance would be waiting for him, the decision had been made. Mac and Kevin's dream was but a wet one.

The decision took almost everyone by surprise. While he was impressed with their written proposal, Nick told Mac and Kevin the timing wasn't right. Besides the fact the shop is crawling with memories, there was the little matter of Malfunction Winters' contribution to the latte menu, Kenyon Roast. It was, apparently, not clear whether the new owners would keep it on tap, and, well, Nick just didn't want to sell. Not that he ever did.

Still, Kevin had to ask: "Did something change your mind?"

"When was my mind ever made up?" Nick did not reply, but may have thought to himself, "Jesus with a coffee grinder, it's a good thing I don't sell to these bean heads. They can't remember what the hell I said just two hours ago. I may have been interested, but I never said I'd sell."

Without going into detail, without noting something's just not right about selling a coffee shop to a girl who said as a teen she'd watched Nick run the place and therefore had learned all there is to know about operating a business, Nick concluded it just wasn't a good idea. He warned Kevin too not to try changing his wife's mind. Sharon Newman can be very wishy-washy and easy swayed especially by strange men. Not that Kevin is a man, but stay away from Sharon anyway. Don't call us, we'll call you.

"This isn't over!" Kevin snapped, convinced that he and Mac are destined to be a "great team" and that they'll find some other business to get into.

Hey Kevin! We hear there's a struggling strip club in need of some good managing. Why don't you and Mac look into that? Your buddy, J.T., might even know where you can find an experienced stripper/singer as the featured act. Of course, you'd have be beholden to the Mob. But who in Genoa City hasn't been at one time or another?

Bean Heads To Buy Coffee Shop
Brent's Daily Observation
September 12, 2005

Like Jack Smith, I'm crying. I must have missed the part where potential Newman Jitter Joint owners Mac Browning and Kevin Fisher called Nick and Sharon Newman to arrange a meeting at the Ponderosa outhouse. Before making the one hour drive Mac and Kevin surely phoned ahead, but whatever they said it didn't include "We want to buy the coffee shop" because the first thing Nick asked when they arrived was, "What did you want to talk to us about?"

Assuming that Nick and Sharon are still grieving the death of their daughter, Mac and Kevin further presumed they aren't paying much attention to their investments and sources of income. They are, after all, Newmans. They do live rent-free and don't really have to work because the Newman golden spoons fund their every need. Wouldn't it be safe to say therefore, that with all its sentimental value, the Newman's would like to sell the Jitter Joint? Sharon said no. The coffee house by day, club for all ages by night, is not for sale.

Mac said she knew this, but if the Newmans would look at how she and Kevin plan to whip the shop into shape and increase its profits they'd gladly sell it. Nick was somewhat befuddled. What gave Mac the impression she can run anything more than a Magic Hitachi between her legs? What business background might she have? What education? Experience?

Oh, that's right. In Genoa City people don't need experience or education. Never have. Never will. Of all people Sharon and Nick should know. Sharon once got a mailroom job simply because she was well connected and, after half a day on the job, called in to say she couldn't come to work the next three days because she had personal problems to deal with. Despite this, a few days later Sharon got a gold star for her performance and a promotion. As for Nick, the big-teethed boob has never worked beyond the Newman safety zone.

Incredibly, Mac, who came to Genoa City as a homeless teenager, who has never worked at anything except for the few hours she put in as a volunteer at a shelter, said she learned how the Jitter Joint works from watching Nick run it! No, really. She said this: "I learned about how it works from you when I was a teen."

That anyone would make such a statement is truly stunning. The only thing Mac has ever done during her visits at the JJ is to slurp expensive lattes, "study" for high-school exams, ogle boyfriend/cousin Billy Abbott and other hunk monkeys she finds attractive. As for Kevin's qualifications, Mac said he's an accounting "whiz".

While the JJ is not yet for sale and may have explained why no purchase price was mentioned, Sharon did express some concern with regard to Kevin's criminal history.

"This town doesn't forget that easily," she said.

Neither Kevin nor Mac burst out laughing. They did not say, you hypocritical bitch. They did not say the entire City will never forget how Sharon abandoned her family, how she sleeps with strange men or how she and her mother-in-law conspired to conceal a crime and dumped a dead body into the sewer system. And here Sharon was castings aspersions?

Kevin did say he knew where Sharon was coming from, but since he's a "changed" man all of those negatives have been turned into positives. Nick was baffled. Is this how Kevin reconciles the conflict? Oh, yeah. By running and owning the JJ Kevin will prove to those who hate his guts that he deserves their respect. To that end, Kevin, someone who's a "whiz" at numbers, said he'll give the JJ "one hundred fifty percent".

When all was said and done Kevin asked how on earth could Nick and Sharon say no? Looking at their business proposal, Nick remarked how much "thought" had gone into what he called a "good" plan. But since the shop isn't for sale they're wasting time. For someone in a rush, for someone who had just heard Nick say how much thought had gone into the good plan, Kevin said, "We're in no rush", then told Nick to "look over our plan."

Okay, so we know this much. Over Sharon's objections that the last place her daughter went before dying was the Jitter Joint, that its the place where she and Nick fell in love and the place Cassie Newman's two friends love so much and Sharon doesn't want Nick to "take that away from me", Nick will sell the place. Stupid slut and rocks in her head imbecile she is, so worried that Nick is blaming her for Cassie's death and woe is me Nick and I are playing the blame game again, Sharon will signoff on the sale.

For a place containing so many memories - as the JJ does - a prudent person would investigate the buyers before selling. Nick and Sharon are a lot of things but prudent they aren't. Had she an iota of common sense Sharon might learn Kevin ain't too bright. What so-called businessman would ask Daniel Romalotti the kind of changes he'd like to see at the coffee shop?

"You're just the guy we wanted to see," Kevin said Monday, as dinkwad Daniel walked into a place where he fully expected to be treated like the Taliban. Feeling the bad vibes, Daniel made sure Nick and Sharon weren't around as Kevin and Mac said they wanted to run some proposed changes by him.

"Everyone is looking at me like I'm the scum of the earth," Daniel whimpered, when the reality was that he was being mostly ignored. Instead of asking, "So why in the hell would you come into a place where you know people hate you?" Kevin said he knows the feeling. People hated him too for giving Lily Winters an STD and burning the RoadKill Cafe down, but he returned time and time again to a place where he knew his enemies would be hold up.

Pleading with Daniel to say what he'd like to see changed at the JJ, Kevin said he [Kevin] is "living proof" people forget who the evildoers are. "He's a whiz with numbers," Mac said again, as she told Daniel to keep his chin up and find something he can to with his mother to keep his mind off gone away to reform school Lily.

No, really. Mac said this. A good thing too as she gave Daniel an idea just before the call came in that Nick was on his way with a decision. Nick knew Mac and Kevin would be at the JJ and not sitting in a hot tub at the Athletic Club where they usually hang because, well, he just knew.

So where did Daniel go? To a computer store where he purchased Doom or Grand Theft Auto because when she isn't screwing Jack Abbott in the next room, Daniel's mother and he can spend hours bustin' heads, makin' drug deals, swipin' cars, gang-bangin' and blowin' stuff up on the $149 Xbox Daniel purchased too 'cause he just happened to have the cash in his pocket or put it on his credit card that hadn't been maxed out during his great escape to Los Angeles.

And here I am like Jack Smith. Crying. Aren't these just the most emotional, the most dramatic, the most believable events and dialog you ever did hear? Doesn't it just make you cry too?

Seasons Coming Mid-November!
September 9, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Okay, if I need to know, don't you? Aren't you wondering where this new Seasons line of toxic personal cosmetics you'll be able to find in the auto department at Sears or the Big & Tall department at J.C. Penney is coming from? Sure, we know it's the latest in an endless line of swill coming from Newman Enterprises Cosmetics Division, but where is it really coming from?

Despite that Ashley Carlton swears she's slaving away over a hot beaker in a laboratory deep within the bowels of Jabot Cosmetics presumably in a last ditch effort to find an antidote to Seasons, why is it this time Jabot didn't hire a lab rat from Georgia? Why is it Jabot hasn't mentioned Seasons or have something called Princess Summer Fall Winter Spring ready to compete with it? When "women of color" think cosmetics, don't they think Jabot? Haven't they grown tired of "Ashley" and "Tuvia" and crave something like "Skunk's Ass" for those special nights in bed with their men?

Is that Jabot is no longer the leader in skunk oil products the reason NE hasn't issued a press release saying it hired a special rat to develop a "silver bullet" and please don't ask the rat to answer questions at the press conference because said rat doesn't give interviews? Is that Jabot can no longer compete the reason NE hasn't packed the Newman jet full of executives and enemies alike for a trip to Japan in search of a rare, magic orchid?

Mostly likely, as with all the landfill crap NE produces, Seasons was probably cooked up in Malaysia using slave labor for what can explain why this product, the idea of which was but a wet dream in Dru Winter's head a few months ago, will be on stores shelves by the middle of November?

It's so true. NE CEO Victoria Newman and NE dirty chemical boy Brad Carlton said so this week. They said Seasons is ready to rock primarily because it won't have to be at eye-level at what they said is "a major department store chain" which has agreed to display Seasons. Furthermore, the signing of one chain store means Seasons is "on the fast track" with sales projected in the millions. Newman added that without Carlton's expertise Seasons seemed doomed, or at the very least, would have waited until it could be properly produced and marketed. Carlton confirmed Seasons fast track status by reporting Thursday, to Newman in-house nepotism token Sharon Newman, that Seasons will "be shipping by mid November".

The conflict - shipping Vs. in stores - was overlooked by Carlton (A) because he may not have been aware of what Victoria is telling people and (B) because he needs Sharon to start spreading the news that Seasons is coming to stores soon. The question too, since Sharon has pretended to be part of the working community, is what the hell she needs to be telling anyone? Didn't the one chain store agree already to sell Seasons? If there's something they need to know, that using Seasons is harmful to humans and small animals, shouldn't they have known beforehand? Not that it matters. Who wouldn't love to see Newman Enterprises slapped with a class-action law suit for causing the death of about a thousand unsuspecting customers?