Business News
See also: Part 1
See Also: Gloria Fisher  Brad Carlton  John Abbott  Cosmetics War

Business Roundup
Coffee Sold on School Campus Causes Increased Heart Rate

August 23, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Prospective Jitter Joint co-owner Kevin Fisher announced this week he managed to find enough time within the Genoa City time warp continuum to visit surrounding towns and villages looking for ways to improve stagnant sales at the Newman-owned coffee shop by day, club for ages by night.

Able to do so much research in so little time and still get back home before prospective co-owner Mac Browning's lunch had settled, Kevin reported that a major overhaul to existing JJ philosophy would be to rent space at local high schools where expensive lattes could be sold to growing children. As an incentive to schools not to hold caffeine dealers to the same standards as Coke and Pepsi, and thus allow the JJ to install kiosks at a time when Coke and Pepsi are being told their rot-gut vending machines must go or remove the sugar-laden and empty calorie products, Fisher indicated school officials would appreciate highly alert students.

An additional bonus to boost sales at the JJ would be what were called "single's night", poetry sessions and frequent buyer cards the latter to be used to convince ignorant consumers that in exchange for paying higher prices than say, Starbucks, they'd be getting discounts. For every ten lattes purchased customers will get the equivalent of ten cents on the dollar.

While she has yet to ask the Newman family if it intends to sell what Nick and Sharon Newman said was a place they purchased because of its sentimental value, Mac said Tuesday Kevin's idea is a "great" one.

"I knew [Kevin] could take care of the business side [but] I had no idea Kevin was so creative," Mac said in so many words.

As to whether Katherine Sterling will back the idea financially Mac said she hasn't had time to ask her rich granny for the big bucks which are said to exceed $400,000.

"I know she'll give us the money, but I want our proposal to look professional," Mac added.

That all the money will be fronted by Sterling caught Kevin off guard as he thought he'd have to come up with his share which he said would be "hard" given that he's got other plans for the $492,000 he has rotting in a local bank. Asked what he plans to do with his share of his brother's lottery winnings Kevin was evasive. "Rent isn't cheap," he said eluding to the fact that Michael Baldwin has asked him to stop sponging, move out and get a place of his own.

Kevin was right in that rent at J.T. Hellstrom's Sugar Shack runs the hunkmonkey $2,000 monthly. But what Kevin meant as needing money to pay perceived old debts was lost on Mac who said she can't understand why Kevin would have to pay anyone for things like a burned down RoadKill Cafe now that Kevin has "changed".

In other business news:

Newman Enterprises executive Brad Carlton shocked the business community into hysterics today when he publicly stated, "I've developed and launched several new [cosmetics] products and that he has "experience" running a cosmetics company.

Carlton's outrageous claim was taken with a grain of salt when the laughter died down. Other than having assisted Nikki Newman in her 2000 Amazon discovery Carlton's only experience with running a cosmetics company was when he worked for Jabot Cosmetics as CEO Jack Abbott's water boy. As the Abbott family's former pool boy and hedge clipper Carlton was semi-qualified for that position. During Jabot's recent cosmetics war with Newman Enterprises Carlton had little or no participation and for all his "experience" did nothing to prevent the firm from languishing at the brink of bankruptcy for years.

Carlton's huffing and puffing himself into a massive delusion of grandeur was seen this week by Newman CEO Victoria Newman as merely part of his "hidden agenda" of which Ms. Newman to this day remains uncertain.

As It Should Have Been in the Beginning

August 3, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Wow! In the twenty odd years I've been reporting on the people and events in Genoa City I've heard some very strange things, but nothing, not yet anyway, can top what happened here this week.

With his share of the lottery money Kevin Fisher has tucked away there's absolutely no reason he should be out looking for work. It's not like he needs something to keep his warped mind busy what with all the people seeking out his computer skills. In fact, Kevin told Mac Browning, "there's nothing out there for me" as he tossed away the month old classified ads he's been carrying around.

It was then Mac let off a brain fart. What if she and Kevin go into business together? She doesn't have money, hasn't finished school and said she wanted to become a doctor, but to hell with all that now. Her granny has plenty of loot! Katherine Sterling will be happy to spot her some cash. Mix it with Kevin's and they'll be entrepreneurs overnight.

Kevin thought about this for a moment. Business? What on earth did Mac have in mind? What education or experience do they have to justify or qualify their operating much more than a vacuum cleaner?

Mac said it wasn't like they'd have to come up with anything unique. What she had in mind was taking over an already prospering business. The Newman Jitter Joint! With all the trouble Nick and Sharon Newman have keeping the coffee shop by day, club for all ages by night operational, with the shop going through managers like Ashley Carlton goes through dead babies, Mac was sure the Newmans would sell them the place.

It did not matter that the JJ might not be for sale or that Mac might wait until Nick or Sharon stop by the joint to ask if they'd like to sell. It did not matter that had she known Sharon and Nick are rarely seen at the shop these days she might actually call one of them on the phone or, if they knew her prospective partner is someone they hate, the Newmans would tell her to go to burn in Hell. Mac had to make the one-hour trip to the Newman Ponderosa right then and there to make her pitch.

This pretense of going into business together was, of course, a joke. It was nothing but a convoluted way to have Mac show up at the ponderosa at about the same time as her nemesis, the evil Brittany Marsino, gave birth to what Mac thinks is her former boyfriend's baby. The scene was so moving it's a wonder Brittany didn't ask Mac to be her baby's godmother and J.T. the godfather as Mac has yet to learn the joke is on her. And because she never got over J.T. Mac will see the baby as the tie that binds him to Brittany forever. It will be all good and cool because, as Mac said, if there are two kids in Genoa City more capable of being parents it's J.T. and Brittany.

Now about buying the Jitter Joint. Won't it be nice greeting Brittany and her baby every five minutes as Brittany teaches the kid expected to be named Joshua how to drink expensive lattes? Won't it be rich watching the anxious and massively quivering reaction of those customers who hate Kevin's guts patronizing his shop? The potential sale of the JJ to two of this city's biggest boobs is irrefutable proof that something radical is afoot, a social mutiny, with the coffee shop merely as a desperate defense.

In other words, maybe becoming owners of a jitter joint is merely a vain attempt to protect themselves from the onslaught of, oh I don't know, the never-ending love triangle? Who can't see Mac is using Kevin? Who can't foretell J.T.'s moral obligation to Brittany and her baby will be a persistent pain in Mac's fat ass and it'll take something like the return of Billy Abbott to make it all go away if lingering rumors are true that Mac and Billy aren't cousins so they can go on to marry as it should have been in the beginning.

Shoot First, Ask Questions Later

July 14, 2005

Ah, the tangled webs they weave, The Newmans and the Abbotts and the Carltons. Their family members work for the competition while bickering amongst themselves even when they're on the same side.

Keep in mind that Brad Carlton, once the Jabot executive with raging hate for anything Newman, now works at Newman Enterprises and waits for any opportunity to jump the bones of either Sharon or Victoria Newman or both. That Brad is a married man does not matter because he and his sperm stealing wife have a pact allowing them to "date". Therefore it shouldn't matter either that Brad spilled the beans this week to Jabot CEO Jill Abbott about Newman's last minute "Seasons" Summer campaign. "I'm a team player," Brad boasts as Jill worries Newman Enterprises will again kick its years of experience in the war of toxic chemicals ass.

With nepotism running rampant the slut Sharon is too distraught over the death of her daughter to work as is her husband Nick who only goes to work to get his mind off Sharon's cavorting with Brad when he's not remembering what that "punk" Daniel did to his adopted daughter. So out of touch with reality, the boy president of his daddy's empire hasn't a clue Brad works for him, but does want his running the show sister to fire Phyllis as the useless bitch walks in at just that moment to say she can't be fired because her "expertise" is too valuable.

How presumptuous in these days of instant termination for looking at the boss cross-eyed ordinary people are fired in the blink of an eye yet Phyllis could make such a statement directly to hers and not get the axe? How silly that if Phyllis was to be fired she'd run straight to Victor Newman to have herself reinstated as she's done a number of times? This from a woman who rarely shows up for work, like a certain president has spent more time off on personal business than all other inexperienced female employees combined, and her only claim to fame is that she's a webmaster.

Speaking of employment, the so out of the hiring loop she didn't know of Brad's new job until just recently, Dru Winters is worried. Her adopted puppy has developed after all these years a desire to bond with his crack-addicted mommy. Yolanda Hamilton must be saved and only son Devon can do it. Fighting off jealously, Dru reluctantly encourages Devon to pursue his dream so long as she supervises. To diminish the odds - that Devon will go to live with his mother on the streets and throw away a life only the wealthy Winters can provide - would the Winters be so desperate as to purchase another next door apartment morphing into the two they've already converted to one large, wooden box? Would this not be Devon's greatest gift? To have his real mother living with him as part of a real family under the same roof?

Another item that dropped off the radar is Michael Baldwin's muttering of death as a perfect solution to the Tom Fisher problem. With the cart before the horse Michael must backtrack. A check into Lauren Fenmore's past before asking her to marry him might have revealed Lauren has a son out there she's doesn't want anyone to know about. For someone who comes from a dysfunctional family, for someone with a schizoid half-brother, why Michael picked Lauren boggles the mind. What man would marry a slut like this? Are there any Lauren hasn't had sex with? Why do so many men in Genoa City shoot first and ask questions later?

Nutrition Experts Don't Swallow High Energy Tip

July 12, 2005

Big news in the Genoa City business world this week had investors cringing on three fronts. On the job as Newman Enterprises interim CEO for only a few days, Victoria Newman reported the company is not only overseeing another merger, but another acquisition as well. Names of the companies involved and details were not immediately known as Ms. Newman was apparently unprepared until such time as local divorce attorney Michael Baldwin goes over the legal contracts.

Known to have a bevy of corporate lawyers on staff for the purpose of handling major business matters no word was forthcoming from Newman's Legal Department as to why the CEO went to the law offices of Baldwin & Blair to personally leave the documents in Baldwin's otherwise busy hands other than to say that ever since Baldwin helped NE President Victor Newman commit the crime of "Commercial Bribery" he's been on retainer.

That Baldwin has been receiving money following Mr. Newman's conviction of arranging to have toxic chemical products placed at eye-level on store shelves raised a few eyebrows but was generally flicked off as one of those crimes people quickly forget about. It did explain, however, why Baldwin hasn't had a significant divorce case since for almost as long as his office-sharing private detective, Paul Williams, and why Baldwin has more than enough time to waste searching the Internet on matters of a personal nature and planning his wedding to the city's biggest slut, Lauren Fenmore.

Meanwhile, perhaps because his name has yet to appear in Forbes, Ms. Newman's new #2 man Brad Carlton began spreading word of his new job in person. His first stop was at the wooden box of Mr. and Mrs. Dru Winters where he told Mrs. Winters, who, because as head of NE's entire Cosmetics Division hasn't been into the office since her daughter went on the run with a fugitive and thus wasn't up to speed on company business, that he'd been hired to, well, nobody really knows what.

That it's never known quite what Mr. Carlton does anywhere he works did not faze Mrs. Winters. She was pleased as if it's one thing Newman Enterprises needs it's Brad's "expertise". As for the return of the company's webmaster, who also hasn't worked since her son jumped bail, Carlton said Phyllis Summers' position at NE is up in the air.

"No big loss there," Mrs. Winters said, as Carlton assured her he'll be "jumping in with both feet" and to get his hairless chest wet wanted to know why Winters' "Seasons" campaign - a campaign that was supposed to have kicked off this Summer - never got off the ground.

To rectify the delay it was agreed the top dogs should meet within two hours. With so much money to be made on another batch of cosmetic products they needed to get cracking. And because she's just so out of the loop Winters' suggestion that NE spokesperson and all around nepotistic Sharon Newman be at the meeting was arbitrarily dismissed. Despondent since the death of her daughter, Mrs. Newman is much too fragile.

Lastly, in news sure to have a major impact on health and wellness, Athletic Club Manager Gina Roma unveiled what had to be the most overlooked key to personal fitness. Eating before workouts! Nutrition experts flipped, Arnuld Shortsinaknot grabbed his flabby stomach, Oprah Magazine rushed out a special edition. Who knew?

Yes, it took the manager of Genoa City's burned to the ground RoadKill Cafe to come up with this one. Coming across the idea quite by accident, Roma noticed AC member Mac Browning hadn't eaten much when she was there earlier and seeing she'd returned carrying a gym bag offered to feed her! Browning had the good sense to decline even after Roma assured her a nice meal before a workout would provide "the energy" one needs to tread mills and power lift.

In a related health club development suspected RoadKill arsonist Kevin Fisher shared his newly learned ability to box with Browning by demonstrating the jab. Trying out a few Browning soon realized the benefit to her cardiovascular system, thanked Fisher but did not join him in the popular bi-sexual sauna.

Monkey Business

April 13, 2005

The hope that Jill Abbott will become the powerbroker she once was took one step closer to becoming reality this week when master plan builder Jack Abbott informed the sometimes recovering alcoholic that the only thing standing in her way is getting past the Jabot Cosmetics Board of Directors.

Now that Jack has officially given his blessing to her quest of becoming Jabot's newest CEO Jill feels empowered and sees the move as a slam dunk given that her former step-son/lover, and mother Katherine Sterling, "control the board".

That two people, nepotistic as they may be, who do not sit on the Jabot Board can control it from afar came as no surprise either given how the business world in Genoa City operates. Jack, the CEO of Chancellor Industries, and owner Katherine merely sit back pulling the strings and snickering as the puppets respond appropriately.

So why run it past the board? Why bother asking the Founder and Chairman of the Board, John 'Yawn' Abbott, what he thinks? Why ask the evil Ashley Carlton and Nikki Newman and whoever else sit on the board for their two cents when the Chancellor powers that be can simply decree that Jill is to be the new CEO?

Because with all the well-run companies there must be in this city the elite business executives feel they must constantly bounce around from the ailing Jabot to Newman Enterprises and vice-versa. Brad Carlton, tired of working at Jabot, sought out NE Man-Boy CEO Nick Newman this week to ask him for a job only to find the real boss hanging out at the company and so expressed a desire to "move on" to which Victor Newman was receptive even though Carlton stood in his way when he was trying to save Jabot and blocked every move he made to bond with his own flesh and blood the now forgotten Abby Newman Carlton.

Carlton apparently thinks Victor has forgotten that he and Jack once conspired to overthrow Jabot when Newman held the toxic chemical company reins of power and that Jack once left him for dead. Based on Victor's eagerness to bring Brad onboard maybe he has.

As for the position he'd like, as if former hedge clippers and pool boys who have become overnight success stories can pick and chose from an array of open positions in today's job market, Carlton said anything less then a division or subsidiary head would not be acceptable. While Carlton might have sealed the deal right then and there with the great man, out of "respect" for the little back stabber, he choose not to go over Nick's pointed head.

Stranger still, while she holds a position on the Jabot Board of Directors, Nikki told her husband that hiring Carlton would not be a good idea because "we have enough going here right now as it is."

"Who you calling 'we', chalk face?" Victor did not say, but should have inasmuch as what goes on at NE shouldn't be any of Nikki's damn business unless all that furor over members of the same family working for the competition and getting called traitors is to be forgotten, which, it has, apparently.

It's getting more confusing by the minute, isn't it? With all the frog jumping you almost need a scorecard to keep track. Let's see. Who's working at Jabot these days? Dru Winters? Nope. She's at NE now. Sharon Newman? Nope. She's at NE now. Brad Carlton? Nope. He turned in his keys and decoder ring on Wednesday and walked out without a care in the world about joining the ranks of the unemployed. Victor Newman? Nope. He only hangs around NE to make his goofy son nervous. Vanessa Lehner? Nope. Well, maybe. Whatever happened to Vanessa anyway? Adrienne Markham? Nope. Adrienne doesn't have to work. She lives off her dead son's life insurance, or something.

One of the first things Jill should do - once she's firmly in place at Jabot - is make a policy. Jabot will follow EEOC procedure thus becoming an equal opportunity employer. No forms of nepotism will be allowed unless, under a grandfather law,  employees with the last name Abbott who have clawed their way to the top like Jill has may retain their current positions. If your last name is Newman or Carlton, or you've backbitten Jabot so many times there are no injectable veins left, you cannot work for Jabot. No more monkey business.

A Farce to be Reckoned With

March 11, 2005

It's really amusing to watch the deeply flawed Jack Abbott and Ashley Carlton dancing in the bloody bombed-out halls of Jabot Cosmetics and right under his own father's nose plot against John 'Yawn' Abbott's wife. Beautiful thing, really, seeing these repressed and weary worms talking about traitors when they are the epitome of traitorous behavior.

And since Abbott and Carlton are indeed the "wicked" ones, incapable of going to the toilet by themselves without messing their panties, they had to call in the overfed pit bull to "solidify our united front" against a mere pip squeak like Gloria Abbott.

Not even one day on the job as Yawn's right hand mama, Gloria has become a farce to be reckoned with, an evil curse that needs to be wiped out, a "serious issue" as the thieving Ashley told Brad Carlton late this week while Jack sought to justify their vicious and un-winnable little vendetta that is quickly shaping up to be one of the most humiliating, deadly quagmires since, well, ever.

Turns out Jack and Ashley have good reason to hate Gloria. They don't know anything about the woman, don't want to know anything, they just hate. It's hereditary. Not only has Gloria weaseled her way in Yawn's life, she's gotten herself a job at Jabot. Imagine that?

Imagine Yawn being so plagued by dementia he had no say at all when Gloria moved into the Abbott home without an invitation? Had no say when she had OnStar installed in the Buick Skylark? Had no say as she hauled him off to get married or when out of the blue he gave her a job? And now Yawn is so drooling in a cup he can't look out for his best interest so the kids must do it for him?

Why stop there? Why not take a page from Jill Abbott's play book? Have the old fart declared incompetent. Have the marriage annulled. Handcuff him to the bed post before Yawn can put Gloria in his will. Why play the game? Why get Brad involved? Why not take Jack's moronic advice of letting Gloria see that working at Jabot is lots of work. Let Gloria see that she can choose when or if she shows up for work. Let her see that, if she had any, she can ignore her growing children by having said children raised by baby-sitters and nanny and man slaves.

Give the man some credit, Brad knows Jack and Ashley are devoid of any dignity. He knows Gloria is no threat to Jack and Ashley who claim to have years of business experience under their ever expanding belts. What proof do the boobs have to the contrary, Brad wondered.

Well, let's see. There's that time Gloria barged into a board meeting, took over and asked lots of stupid questions. All Jack and Ashley could do was sit there like bumps on a log. A woman like Gloria will surely run roughshod over them. They must act, now!

Brad strained him empty brain for a moment before asking, "How can I be of service to you two jackals?"

How? But of course! By agreeing to become a jackal too. So typical of Brad. Unable to think for himself. Willing to do Jack's dirty work by highlighting Gloria's mistakes at work. Not outwardly, like standing up in front of the board and shaking little vials of skunk oil and completely bogus sales reports, including maybe satellite images of supposed mobile toxic chemical labs used by cosmetics competitors, subtly. If Brad can dig up the absolute tiniest shred of evidence of Gloria's gnarly intentions and hold it up and scream in giddy delight he'll "alert" the other two jackals so long as the dirt is "alarming" enough to at some future time present to Yawn.

That settles it then. Brad is onboard the hate train. Nice, really. So said Ashley who thinks it's just the cutest damn thing she ever did see. Brad and Jack working together, not that they hadn't before. All that conflict was getting as tedious as Ashley's bogus breast cancer and sperm stealing jags.

And now all outrage has become muted and lethargic. All protests, in the wake of Jack's nauseating fear-based win over Victor Newman, have become pale and moot and limp. With Brad on their side Jack and Ashley are resigned to polishing the bleak and black steady stream of lies and abuse they'll hurl as Gloria moves dead center in their sights.

Jabot Debt & Newman Free - Almost

March 4, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

The question the Genoa City News has been asking for so long was answered late this week when Chancellor Industries CEO Jack Abbott announced that not only did Katherine Sterling's company put up the money to purchase Jabot Cosmetics, but it also paid the "bulk" of the toxic chemical company's debt.

Unless there are hidden creditors lurking out there to make Jabot's life miserable at some point in the future it is true that as some company executives had been saying before the fact, Jabot is for the first time since its inception, debt free.

Almost.

Abbott presented a check made out to Victor Newman in person Friday for what he said was "most of" the debt, thanked him for not allowing his diaper clad son to stick another knife in someone's back when Nick Newman tried to buy Jabot debt for political purposes, thanked Victor for his services and great ideas to reshape the company, then fired him on the spot.

"Firing Victor was better than sex," Abbott did not say, but you could tell. Jack savored every last moment of his one great claim to fame. As an added boost to his ego Jack also told young Nick the Prick present at the time that this would be the last time he wanted to see the diaper-wearing adult walking around Jabot like he owed the place. The days of Newmans crawling along the corridors are over, Jabot executive Nikki Newman notwithstanding.

As for the remaining debt Abbott said it is being "restructured" whatever that means. Refinanced might have been a better word and that the debt couldn't have been paid in full leaves a nasty loose end which may come back to bite Abbott or Chancellor.

Incredibly, there always has to be something incredible, for a man able to purchase Jabot's debt within a matter of hours, Victor snorted that Jack's method of payment was somewhat unorthodox. Usually bankers and lawyers arrange such transactions which can take days or weeks.

To hell with normal business practices. Jack said the deal was done the way he wanted it done because his first priority was to get Victor out of the building and far way from Jabot. He even threatened to have security escort the great man out for all the good it would have done because five will get you ten Newman will be in the building sooner rather than later.

Stupid does not begin to describe Newman's son. As the experienced business warriors rattled their sabers Nick stood by scratching his crotch until something Jack said caught his attention. Duh... If daddy was doing such a great job at Jabot why was Jack firing him? No, really. This nitwit actually said it. His bizarre statement almost as moronic as when he asked Phyllis Summers how life with Jack is going when Summers and Abbott haven't lived together for a year and she's been living right next door to the man-boy.

Usually the one to have the upper hand, Victor looked like a fool when he said again that Abbott "created a crisis where there wasn't one" so that he could get what he wanted. Welcome to the real world, Victor! Can't you see? That's why people who lie and cheat and create weapons of mass distraction do it. They get everyone all fired up and so confused their victims start writing blank checks. By the time they figure out they've been snookered it's too late. It's a moot point where Jabot is concerned so why cry over spilled milk?

Victor must have been stunned at having been put over a barrel by Jack. What else could explain why he agreed with Nick that Jack is "up to something", agreed to solve one of Nick's many problems by canceling a dinner engagement with his love-starved wife, and then said he'll go to Detroit so that Nick can be the one to spend more time with his family?

The problem in Detroit is that some supplier isn't toeing the line and needs a good verbal spanking. "As long as you'd undermine me anyway" Nick said he'd come to ask daddy what to do. At which major corporation anywhere does the CEO deal with suppliers? What major corporation doesn't have peons for this grunt work? That's right. Newman Enterprises. Where else would a father be so kind after being slimed by his own son? Why, Genoa City of course.

Besides leaving Jabot open for future financial worries and more years of endless whining by the Abbotts that they could lose the family business what does this all mean?

Call it dramatic tension, a fascinating slice of human drama, a poor excuse for Nikki Newman to stomp all over her marital vows. The understanding that sex is the nectar that makes the human flower bloom without which Nikki will wilt and die.

Tattle Tales

February 28, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

As Chancellor Industries CEO Jack Abbott continued enjoying his fifteen minutes of fame his distracters could almost be heard chanting, "hey, hey, ho, ho, Jack Abbott has got to go."

Abbott's own step-mother led the pack of hungry vultures in need of a good meal. Give him enough rope and Jack will hang himself. He can't claim to have beaten Victor Newman this time because Newman wasn't out to get him. Had he wanted, Victor could have foreclosed on Jabot Cosmetics forcing Chancellor President Katherine Sterling to shell out far more money than she cared for a failing chemical company.

Bragging that he'd whistled a happy tune following Sterling's slap on his wrist for making a deal behind her back Jack got into it with Gloria Abbott. What did the gold digging mama mean he can't claim victory? So what that he raided his father's nest egg. Who cares that members of the family and those who'd invested millions in Jabot lost half their stock?

Abbott stuck to his story that because of him the family business was rescued from the jaws of foreclosure. But it wasn't true. Thanks only to Victor's kindness and loyalty to old man Abbott no demands are being made on Chancellor Industries to cover millions in Jabot debt.

Like a snake trapped in a corner Jack hissed when Gloria got too close to the truth. Recoiling like someone who'd just seen Sharon Newman shoving her tongue down another man's throat Jack changed the subject. How had Gloria known what he was up to? Had she dared see Newman without the old man's approval?

Tricked into getting off topic Gloria eventually confessed. Jack instantly slapped her with a charge of betrayal. Just wait until he tattled. The old man would surely kick her out of the sandbox. Cringing, aware that she stands to lose her rightful share of the family jewels, Gloria gave in. Okay, Jack. You win. Now shut the hell up.

It was then old man John 'Yawn' Abbott stopped drooling in a cup long enough to ask what was going on? Who had aimed their uptight dogmas in his general direction? What was up with the negative vibes? Why was he feeling the breeze of bitter mistrust? Why was his daughter, who really isn't his daughter, sharpening the knife she so often uses to stab Jack in the back?

Jack couldn't understand. Why pile the bones of indignation at his feet? Why had the family not thrown a big party instead? Did they not appreciate that he'd saved Jabot from a hostile takeover? Why was Ashley's bitching that she wasn't consulted? Whoever heard of consulting a member of the Jabot board just before a major decision to take a 50% loss? Is Ashley nuts? It's a rhetorical question. And the lies? Who lied? Tell me, Pa. What? I lied to you about not telling Ashley? Funny, I don't remember lying. I misused the situation for my own gain? Me? When have I ever?

You know, Pa. It would be damn shockingly fabulous if just once you could somehow be bold and different for a change. When are you ever going to learn that each time you reach out and touch Victor you get burned? Don't believe me? Don't see that I've totally diverted your attention from the real issue again? You are such a fool. If you don't believe me ask your wife. Tell the old fart, Gloria. How did it feel selling the family out?

Dribble, dribble, splat, splat. Huh? What's that you say? Gloria! Did you see Victor behind my back? How many times must I tell you? You're just a woman. Dealing with Jabot is for the men folk. What about Ashley? Um, far as I know she's not a man. Yeah, I've heard those nasty rumors too. This isn't about Ashley. What on earth provoked you to see Victor? The man is creepy. He could foreclose at any moment. Can't you take Jack's word for it? Then Katherine might... what the hell. It's a done deal. Is it time for my nap? Thought so.

See also: Hey, hey, ho, ho, Jack Abbott has got to go

Hope for Failure

February 25, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Just when there appeared that nothing could prevent the Chancellor/Jabot business deal from going South and be fully exposed for that bad decision it is, a glimmer of light sprung forth from an unlikely source.

Attorney Michael Baldwin announced late this week that at the behest of his mother he may have a way to put the kibosh on Jack Abbott's scam of the decade.

Deep inside the monolithic Chancellor Estate, Abbott received a good scolding from Katherine Sterling for making bad deals behind her back. The old drunk said she never gave Abbott carte blanche, had no intention of buying a bankrupt toxic chemical company, thought it presumptuous of him to use Chancellor money to save the Abbott family's hide and in general was a bad deal because no amount of Chancellor money can help Jabot.

Spinning his lies like some CNN media type spins the news Abbott harped that the name Jabot alone is worth its weight in gold. In time the old woman will see. Jabot will be the envy of Edsel or Enron.

As sheep so often do - when they eventually accept a lie as the truth because it's been repeated so many times - Sterling caved in. Maybe Abbott's deal is a good one after all. Still, he should have asked first. Shown some common courtesy.

Hold out your hand, Jackie. Slap, slap, slap. Don't do it again. You hear? No more monkey business. I'll let you get away with it this time, but remember. Do not let that bitch, that daughter of mine, hold any position at Jabot higher than bathroom attendant. You got that?

Not five minutes later Abbott was plotting behind his employer's back. Jill Abbott may not be out as he promised.

In a related development the useless Ashley Carlton returned from Paris to say the trip was a success. With new, never tested on humans skunk oil ingredients purchased from the French she can't wait to get back into the Jabot laboratory to cook up some toxins and bacon grease disguised as gunk women will be proud to smear over their faces. In the time it takes to say magic orchid Jabot will be back as the toxic cosmetics giant it once was. That is, until Carlton learned that the Abbott family got snookered by her own brother. A traitorous act she vowed will never get off the ground.

Also learning Friday who his real friends are, Jabot COO Brad Carlton stopped by consultant Victor Newman's office to say Abbott's coup left a bad taste in his mouth. "I never intended we'd lose our independence," he said, which was an outright lie. Carlton said at the time he agreed to go along with the plan that he didn't like it but voted for it knowing the implications.

As routine as waking up in the morning as Carlton's visit with Newman was, the great man nevertheless said he thought it strange that Carlton would, "seek me out like this."

But the one thing Newman said, the one quip that in all of Genoa City history has never been more right on target was when Newman said that Abbott "created a crisis where there wasn't one to get what he wanted."

The sobering reference to the dismantling of Social Security could not be overlooked. Nor could Carlton's response that the "crisis" was being done at his expense just as the destruction of SS will be at the expense of the poorest American taxpayers. Maybe it was a case of reading between the lines. Who knows? In either event the hope is the same: that both attacks on sanity will fail.

Chancellor Picks Up Jabot

February 24, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Sodden with crazed half-truths and drunken epiphanies and wicked observations Nikki Newman easily convinced Chancellor Industries business wizard Katherine Sterling this week to buy into Jack Abbott's plan to purchase Jabot Cosmetics.

Astute business leaders around the globe could only sigh, take a deep breath, shrug their shoulders and laugh when asked about this deal. In Portland, OR, the President of a major pickle company who asked not to be identified answered this reporter's question with a question.

"Are you still writing about that soap opera? Do you think my CEO could just go out and buy a crippled company without my approval? Do you think I could authorize the purchase without running it past my board of directors? Do you think the price of our stock would not plummet if we acquired a company in such poor financial condition as you say this Jabot is?"

How could any woman handcuffed to a bed by her own daughter make such a decision while the forces of evil worked behind her back? How could any person of sound mind and body be sold on the idea that owning Jabot, by all descriptions a broken down company, would somehow turn the toxic chemical company into the crown jewel of Chancellor Industries? Could it be Sterling is old and senile? Could it be this woman has been married a hundred times and to this day sleeps alone? Could it be her liver and brain have rotted from years of alcohol abuse?

Could it be that Jack Abbott's pressuring Newman into speaking with the old drunk first before Sterling fired his ass be the straw that broke the camel's back? Was it the one deciding factor that made Sterling say Jack did the right thing by having the old cow trumpet his plan?

Despite the ignorance, the lies about everything and the utter lack of accountability Sterling will go along with the deal on one condition. Jill Abbott is to have no part running Jabot. That her daughter owns 20% of the company is to mean nothing.

Like the weasel he is Jack agreed. He silently stuck the knife in Jill's back as he shook Sterling's bony hand thus scratching the glossy coating designed to bind the uninformed and uneducated to more bitter, debauched, wondrous, cretinous realities. Go ahead, Jack. Make our day. Show us how this deal makes any sense. Prove to us you aren't a 3-time loser.

In other colon-clenching mind-numbing business news Newman Enterprises spokesgeek Sharon Newman came face to face with the reality that she's dumber than dirt. She has no skills, no education, no businesses experience that qualifies her to hold down a job beyond that of scrubbing toilets or pouring coffee where she was seen Thursday doing just that at the Newman Jitter Joint. Odd, that the town whore would be behind the counter lost in a daze when she was to start working immediately at her nepotism-connected job as Nick Newman's personal geisha girl.

Commenting on how great she looks even when she's "spacey" attorney Michael Baldwin wondered what might be on her tiny mind this day. Was corporate life treating her well?

Newman said that being a corporate whore has its ups and downs. The ups, like when she doesn't have to actually work, and the downs when she's required to give a speech on color trends for the next decade.

"I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now," Newman grumped, as she went on to say that unlike the speeches she'd made on behalf of Jabot Cosmetics which had been written for her, the speech next week would have to be composed all by her lonesome. With her husband out making bad business deals, and new boss Dru Winters never at the office, Newman implied that beyond 'see Dick and Jane run up the hill' she's not much good at writing complete sentences much less speaking them.

Peace? In Genoa City?

February 18, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

How righteous was it? How big a rush to watch as little Nick Newman wet his pants right before his father's eyes on Friday after Victor Newman told him what a stinking, no good "traitor" he is? How presumptuous was it of Nick the Prick to buy up the debt of a financially troubled company at face value? How typical of someone with no experience playing businessman when he barely has the ability to run a coffee shop?

How foolish Nick looked as he stomped into his father's office to declare he'd chopped down all the trees and then wondered what happened to the forest. How utterly ignorant can this kid be to think that just because he'd bought Jabot Cosmetics' debt he could immediately foreclose? Did he bother to check with the attorneys who might have told him his father has an agreement with Jabot not to foreclose? What made this fool do what he did?

Because baby Nick thought it would make his mother happy. He thought daddy isn't managing his marriage properly when his own marriage has hung by a thread for years. He thought he'd make daddy proud. But he thought wrong. Daddy wasn't proud. Daddy was pissed. So pissed was Victor Newman he called his son a stinking "traitor" which, of course, is true.

Nick is one of those power mongers who shoots first and asks questions later. No justification for what he did? To hell with that. He'll make some up. Daddy has been a workaholic all his life. Mommy has put up with it far too long. Daddy is getting old and should be put out to pasture. Junior, the "future" of Newman Enterprises is running the show now.

Unfortunately, Victor didn't pull a Tony Soprano. He didn't slap that back-stabbing bastard child within an inch of his miserable life. He did inform the worm that he'd promised the Abbotts he wouldn't take over their family business and now look what crap-for-brains has done.

And still Nick didn't get it. In fact, he was proud of what he did. Wanted to go straight to the Abbotts and tell them as if they'd for a minute believe a pipsqueak was capable of pulling off such a deadly coup without help. As if they'd not know Victor had a hand in screwing them as they've feared all along.

Nick proved what a weasel he is when he said he didn't give a damn what the Abbotts think. Said he did what any ruthless businessman would have done. Of course, it doesn't matter much what Nick thinks. It's what Victor will do that counts.

It's simple, really. If the bankers refuse to back out of the deal all the great man need do is hold Jabot's debt without further action. Better yet, to show he's a man who sticks by his word, Victor should wipe the slate clean. Call it even.

Thus, with the stroke of a pen Victor could end years of war between himself and the Abbotts. And wouldn't that be something - if only in Genoa City - if only for a short time - that at long last there could be peace?

An Embarrassment of Riches

February 17, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Semi-clever, ultra-idiot Nick Newman suddenly joining his father to stop Jack Abbott from interfering with the resurrection of Jabot Cosmetics? Ptooey. A mere distraction. A rumor that floated briefly before it was flushed down the toilet. A pipe dream that seizing control of Jabot would be Nick's way of putting his distraught mother at easy so she'd stop bitching that Victor Newman spends too much time at the office.

We ain't seen nuthin' yet. We ain't seen Nick say how he had to stick a knife deep into Jack's back like he did his real father and who knows who he'll double-cross next. We ain't seen Nikki the least bit concerned about the millions she invested in Jabot to so much as spend a full day at the office helping those who claim to be working their butts off to save the company - and her millions.

We ain't seen the back-stabbing Nick burn the only bridge connecting him to Jack who Nick has said far too many times was the only "father" he's ever known.

How sad it was hearing Sharon Newman ooze this week that living with a dinkwad is so special. How great their kids are, how great their shaky marriage and life in general. How embarrassed the adults in diapers must feel. Their wealth and power more an "embarrassment of riches" than anything else.

"We have it all, don't we?" Nick hacked this week as flowers for his Valentine were delivered to their Athletic Club dining table. What a "special" whore Sharon is for taking a moment out of her busy schedule to spend time with him. How pathetic was it to hear Sharon say, "I hate becoming a pawn in your never-ending chess game with your father," even as she learned Nick had ordered Ashley Carlton to fire his father to no avail.

How rich was it to hear Nick accuse Carlton of "crossing the line" when she hired Victor as if Carlton should have checked with him on matters that are none of his concern. How creepy that a boy claiming to be the "future" of Newman Enterprises would not know that Carlton did not then and does not now have the power to fire his father.

How hysterical was powerless Nick's statement that he was about to take a "drastic" move to save his mother's money because mommy is too "emotional" to have a wit of interest in her own affairs even as Victor was telling Nikki what a strong, independent and formidable woman she is.

Can you smell it in the air? The stink that during the next few days will get very shrill and more nauseating? As Nick buys up Jabot debt the former CEO has the following on his To-Do list:

1 - Get proxies from Traci Abbott Connelly and Billy Abbott.
2 - Get ruling from the Jabot Board of Directors that Victor be terminated as a consultant for Jabot.
3 - Without informing anyone at Chancellor Industries purchase Jabot thereby securing 51% of company stock.
4 - Appoint Jill Abbott CEO.

Do we understand this? Do we not think it odd that Billy gave his proxy to his father long ago? Are proxies something that can be given and taken away like expired cents-off coupons? Is it just slightly strange that Jill said Billy sounded "so mature" when she spoke with him on the phone? Is Billy not twenty years of age or older? Wouldn't a boy, albeit it a queer one, not sound mature at this age? Wouldn't Billy maybe want to call his father and ask what mother is up to this time since she's rarely called him since his marriage to Mac Browning fell apart partly thanks to his mother's wickedness? Wouldn't Traci think twice knowing Jack's history and given her loyalty to old man John Abbott?

Is it not weird that Jill said she was sick of being second guessed and left out of current Jabot finagling when she hasn't been involved and therefore could not have been second guessed? Is it not foolhardy that Jill and Jack intend to go forward with this plan without informing CI founder or whatever the hell her connection is to CI - Katherine Sterling?

Is it not moronic that Jack would tell Jill to make amends with Katherine if she wants to be boss lady at Jabot when both Jill and Jack are working behind Katherine's back?

Yes, the latest struggle to save Jabot has become quite confusing and strung out like a crack addict. If nothing else it has become an embarrassment of riches.

Cash & Carry

February 14, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Is your business near bankruptcy? Have you hired a consultant to bail you out who just happens to be the man who helped drive your company to where it is today? Was this man recommended to you against your better judgment by the former CEO who still works for you? Would you like to know how this consultant is faring so that should you ever find yourself in this position again you'll know what to do?

If you answered yes to any of these questions pay close attention because if you blink or become the slightest bit distracted you may miss an important key to success.

Take away your customer's credit cards!

This, in a nutshell, is Victor Newman's solution to Jabot Cosmetics' nearly decade long battle with disaster. It was a remedy that Jabot's top brass had overlooked for years. During a meeting with company executives late last week Newman also noted that reorganizing the Marketing Division and outsourcing the Legal Department would go a long way toward solvency he expects to see complete within a year.

Other signs of improvement include former unspecified "buyers" who, despite having dumped Jabot at its deepest sewer point, have suddenly decided to jump back on the still sinking ship.

But the one thing Jabot must do if it is to completely set sail is to rid itself of the Accounting Department. Again, without explaining how a huge toxic chemical company gets by without accountants, Newman said that extending credit to its customers must end including those that always pay their bills on time.

As he mumbled there is "no room for sentimentality" Newman implied that from now on Jabot will operate on a strictly cash and carry basis, a crazy notion hailed by former Jabot CEO Ashley Carlton who told Jabot founder John 'Yawn' Abbott that hard as it may be to accept, the old geezer must roll with the punches and change with the times.

Other executives weren't so giddy. But before they could voice any opinion Mr. Abbott's new wife strolled into the meeting with her husband's Flintstone vitamins he'd run off that morning from the house without taking. Told that she was interrupting an important meeting Gloria Fisher Abbott pulled up a chair.

As the meeting progressed Mr. Abbott pointed out that cutbacks and outsourcing alone never solve problems. Look what's happening to the United States. As a result of outsourcing the US Trade deficit is at an all-time 600-billion dollars.

Pooh-poohing such trivia, Mrs. Carlton assured the group that while on her Paris junket she'll be purchasing never before used skunk oil of which Jabot's "muscle" man and notorious lab rat Damon Porter will blend into a concoction sure to cause widespread nose bleeds among the Jabot customer base.

It was agreed by Abbott and COO Brad Carlton that new and improved toxic goop would be just the thing to turn Jabot around and with that the meeting was adjourned.

The Windmills of Their Minds

January 17, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Do you feel the pulse? The surging urge of Ashley Carlton's next move in the game to make Victor Newman her man? That's right, it's happening now. It's happening again in Genoa City. The old baby-killing sperm thief made it clear Monday when she all but told Nikki Newman via her infamous evil grin that the game is afoot.

Sadly, any gain Carlton makes will be our loss. For it means the insane inane circus of another Jabot power struggle has officially begun. All the players are in place.

Let's review.

Victor and Nikki off the Ponderosa and at the office - for a slightly pleasant change of scenery.

Brad Carlton and Jack Abbott rubbing their hands together in gaping maw office politics idiocy and infighting.

Gloria Fisher strapping on her husband's pants to show Victor just who the real man in the family is as old man John Abbott, the one who should be most concerned about the company he built, sits at home drooling in a cup. This is Gloria's chance to harness the bitter energy of the bitchy little pundits and the hysterical Ashley Carlton at work too, feeling sorry for herself and trying to convince family members she brought Victor into the mix so that the Abbott/Carlton children will have a future long after they're all dead.

Oh yes, it's always for the sake of those precious children except Jack's rarely remembered son, Keemo, who probably prefers living in Vietnam and considers himself lucky to have gotten out of Genoa City when he did. Always for the children who won't have to worry about going to college since everything in life is handed them on silver platters.

It's always about saving Jabot so that as the old-timers die off there can be Kyle Abbott and Colleen Carlton to pick up the gauntlet.

God but what these people are strange. God but what Victor didn't make a huge mistake when he volunteered to save Ashley's lying ass. Lied that she'd learned her lesson when Victor kissed her off last time, told her he doesn't love her and never will. Victor should have let this company die. He should have sat back and smiled as the Abbotts and the Carltons without their safe and secure meal ticket scurried around like cockroaches looking for new jobs.

What fun it would be watching the rich experience for once in their miserable lives what it's like trying to parallel park their shiny On Star equipped Escalades and Hummers in the unemployment office parking lot but can't because their cells are ringing and they forgot which way to turn the wheel because the toxic Safra and Tuvia has leeched into their small brains.

They should know what it's like going to the doctor only to be told, sorry, your health insurance has been cancelled. They should know what it's like having their credit cards denied because they've maxed them out on over-priced prescription drugs. They should, well, point made.

But let's look at what else these rich freaks would have to give up.

Mink coats. Club memberships and the vile pesticide infected, triglyceride and MSG laden food served at said clubs. $50 taxi fares. Private schools. Bottled water. Kenyon coffee. Digital cameras. Free legal representation. Free private investigations. Nike anything.

Good Lord, they might actually have to get real jobs where they are required to show up at the office more than the occasional drop-ins coincidentally at times when Internet ordered DNA test kits are being delivered to the boss. They might have to give up God. Not just any god, but that angry bitter Christian God, the one that implores them to hate with impunity and mow down anyone who stands in the way of petrochemical profits and savage empire building. The God they call upon only when a miracle is needed.

Jesus! They might have to put aside those stale recurring thought patterns. Those sour looks of rage, the odious and stagnant treatment of their lovers and spouses and friends that aren't really friends but talk about them behind their backs and convince them they've been in love with someone who was sexually ravaged by a best friend and now locked in a sexless marriage.

This is it then. The players are at the starting gate. And they're off on a new adventure! They want you to think. They want you to forget you've seen it before a hundred times. They want you to believe you are powerless and small. They want you to listen again because if they tell a lie enough times you'll just throw up your hands and say, okay. It's true.

So hunker down, grit your teeth. Another fight for Jabot isn't so bad, after all. Is it? Just think of the many possible rewards. In the end Ashley gets Victor. Nikki gets Bobby. Brittany gets J.T. Jack gets whatever Jack wants. Brad gets Olivia. Jill gets Katherine. Katherine dies. John dies. Gloria gets John's money. Her sons move into the Abbott Hotel and in less than a year they all change places. Around and around they go and where they stop nobody knows. Like the windmills of their collective mind.

Bad Business Decisions

January 5, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

If there was any known shareholder of Newman Enterprises stock it would be interesting to ask him or her why in God's name they ever invested in a company now being run again by a moron.

When NE is under the control and watchful eye of founder Victor Newman the price of its stock does reasonably well so buying into the company might make sense.

But when Nick Newman is running the show it's a wonder there are aren't a slew of hostile takeover attempts and that the company hasn't gone the way of its competitor, Jabot Cosmetics.

It's already a known fact that Nick Newman is not qualified to run his father's empire. It's already known that he has nothing but a degree from Genoa City University the likes of which and $5 might get him a cup of expensive latte from the Jitter Joint he owns and should be running. It's easy to see in Newman's beady black voids of his eyes and the way the horns on his head twitch when he makes any business decision that he has no idea what he's doing.

The way Newman was slumped over Wednesday, looking like a deflated blow-up doll, wondering how much longer he'll get to play with daddy's toy and maybe why employees tsk-tsk him and shake their heads and call him names behind his back, it was easy to tell: Nick Newman was about to make another major blunder.

It wasn't like Newman was about to stash away mountains of incriminating shredded documentation and roughly $500 million in embezzled funds or that he'd gutted employee retirement accounts. Had he the smarts to pull something like that off it might be semi-interesting.

What Newman did didn't take a brain.

The idiot not only re-hired his father's left hand man Neil Winters - who twice previously walked out on the company with no notice - he promoted Winters nepotistic wife to head the entire cosmetics division.

And what experience or education does Dru Winters possess that might qualify her for such a position? None. Zero. Zip. And how will helmet-headed Mrs. Winters be able to head up anything more than Newman's executive washroom? Her husband will give her on-the-job mentoring during those times when the nepotism isn't running wild and the couple aren't sprawled out on the office desk humping like rabid rabbits.

Without bemoaning the obvious political back-scratching and toe-sucking and wallet-padding galore, there is one good thing to be said of this latest scandal landing like a giant elephant-dropping on Newman's head. How downright comical and embarrassing will it be watching Newman go down for the third time?

Just the thought that when Victoria Newman returns to the family business and finds this faux business boy has given her division away to a pair of clowns is for some near orgasmic. Not only will Ms. Newman get to kick her brother's ass to the curb, but Neil and Dru Winters too. Maybe the entire squad of flying monkeys will get what they've long deserved: the message that political inbreeding and cigar-chompin' back-slapping is no excuse for hiring uneducated nit wits.

Ms. Newman might also feel some pity for the countless gullible stockholders sucked into the vortex and spit out like seeds at a watermelon-eating contest. The Genoa City economy hobbled and wobbly and so clearly at the disposal of inept power-mongering CEOs it makes souls wince. With any luck at all Ms. Newman can set the bar higher. She can set the goal of wiping out those putting the business hub in a jam.

Jabot Cosmetics. So near filing Chapter 11 while its CEO sits on her ass at home, depressed and blaming herself while literally the company burns. The company's founder so worried, yet taking the day off to play with his new wife.

Chancellor Industries. Now run by the man who ran Jabot into the ground.

Newman Enterprises. Now run again by a boy.

Until Ms. Newman arrives those desirous of serious change are not the slightest bit shocked anymore, maybe because they realize this is how corporate politics has always worked, this is the capitalist system's most hypocritical slap. Promoting Dru Winters to head a major cosmetics division so she too can sit around on her ass at home just like always was a bad business decision.