August 10, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Oh my God! I am smashing my head with a brick again. I am laughing my ass off and questioning my own sanity and wondering who in their right mind can tolerate baring witness to what had to be some of the most unbelievable events ever to happen in Genoa City all in one day and please Jesus, make it stop!

It's difficult to pick just one example of the nonsense, but let's start at the God Have Mercy Medical Center where hand-picked Newman guards and taxpayer funded cops are supposedly guarding the precious Brittany Marsino and her baby. Out of nowhere small-time hood and female meat market owner Angelo Razzanoi suddenly has a gun to the baby's head because the GHM has not as yet installed security devices at the main entrance to prevent such things from occurring.

Nearby hunkmonkey J.T. Hellstrom is watching in awe as Bobby ambles up to ask Angelo what he's doing. Angelo says he needs "bargaining power" and the responsibility of getting the "stuff" Bobby has - said powerful enough to bring down the Mafia - was thrust upon him. Since Angelo doesn't want to lose control of the strip club, which is, sadly, his "life", he agreed to walk into a well-guarded hospital in the middle of the day and kidnap a baby. In the process he stopped long enough to cut a "deal" with the baby's father who said despite the situation still considers him a "friend".

When Bobby agreed to turn over the "stuff" in exchange for the baby it was Angelo who asked, "How do I know I can trust you?" to which Bobby asked when had he ever lied? As for the "stuff", Bobby didn't have it on him as Angelo apparently thought he would so Angelo said for now he'd hang onto the kid until such time as Bobby got the stuff and turned it over at a time and place to be determined.

At the precise moment Angelo was heading out the door J.T. stepped forward and so rattled Angelo he dropped the gun. From there it was all down hill, or, up the river as the case may be for Angelo. Hearing the commotion the alert guards stopped eating donuts long enough to haul Angelo away. So now, not only is Angelo looking at prison time, the strip club is without an owner, a problem readily solved if only Mac Browning and Kevin Fisher decide they'll buy it instead of the Newman Jitter Joint.

Observing what J.T. had called a "developing situation" Victoria Newman just happened to be at the hospital this day checking on her mother. Also a victim of the mob a beaten and battered Nikki Newman had decided to return for medical treatment after refusing a stay for observation the night before.

Victoria was dumbfounded to learn her mother knows a gangster like Bobby, but not really in that Nikki "enjoys a wide range of friends." Still, Victoria was surprised. Aren't mobsters the "dangerous" persons the elite in this city have come to fear so much? Moreover, did a certain hunkmonkey make old lady Newman get involved?

J.T. didn't want to talk about. He said Victoria could pry the entire gory story out of Nikki sometime as he had more important things to do like, directing Federal Agents who had arrived to escort Bobby into the now defunct Witness Protection Program. After explaining Bobby had people to say good-bye too and probably hadn't thought to pack a toothbrush and would the agents just cool their damm jets, J.T. turned his attention back to Victoria without asking the agents for identification.

Who the hell is Victoria? Why has J.T. never heard her name before? Why does she seem to think he's this "whole new person"?

"I've been working with Paul [Williams]," J.T. said, and the entire hospital staff, had it been listening to this convoluted conversation, did not burst out in laughter.

In the short time it took to be interrupted by a nurse who said Nikki needs more expensive tests after she'd just had a goddamm $2000 CT scan the night before, Victoria had forgotten what she and J.T. had been talking about. When J.T. got her back up to speed Victoria asked if working with private detective Williams means he's some kind of junior PI, J.T thought he was being made fun of which of course he should have been except that Victoria said she was "impressed."

As for Victoria, when J.T. asked if she's employed and she said she's the CEO at Newman Enterprises, J.T. was surprised she'd have time to talk with a hunkmonkey, which is he and always will be and ain't this just the dumbest thing anyone ever did hear coming from J.T.'s mouth. Oh, but this wasn't the end all be all to the stupid covering Genoa City this day.

In his wife's room Bobby told Brittany Marsino that until the mobsters go on trial, he, the government's prime witness, will be in protective custody! For whatever reason, maybe it's the GHM food or the drugs or that if Brittany had a brain she'd be dangerous that made her think Bobby would have plenty of time now to finish building a nursery at their condo and who in the hell is gonna pay the rent on that thing now which is what got Bobby into this mess in the first place?

Bobby explained too that when the trial is over it doesn't mean they'll be safe unless they all go into the WPP and wouldn't it be nice if Brittany and her stinking baby are never seen again too because if for no other reason there are way too many people connected to this city named Joshua two of which are dead.

For a moment it was like Brittany had morphed in Sharon Newman as she asked, "Does that mean we won't be seeing my parents or our friends anymore" as if she's seen Fred and Anita Hodges in about a year and outside J.T. doesn't have a friend to call her own. Compounding the insanity, Bobby said they need a safe place where the baby can grow like one of those prefabricated homes in the Nevada desert. This pleased Brittany. She agreed then and there to go "anyplace" so long as she's got Bobby.

With that Bobby was last seen leaving the hospital with who he presumed were two agents from the federal governement. There were no banners over the door reading "DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU IN THE ASS - PLEASE NEVER COME BACK" but you know, should have as it would have made the perfect ending to this most idiotic of stories Genoa City so proudly hails.

Bug Worms Way Into Witness Protection Program Deal for Marsino!

August 4, 2005

Like so many of the strange things in Genoa City I do not understand I'm trying to understand what, exactly, made reformed mobster turned gangster Bobby Marsino such a threat to the Costra Nosta. I understand Bobby owed small fry thug Vinny Trabuco a few bucks from the sale of some hot ice, but didn't Vinny say that debt had been forgiven so long as Bobby helped him skim bar receipts - or something - from the local gym/bar/restaurant/motel?

Isn't the real reason Vinny wanted Bobby out of the way is because Bobby didn't kill local hunkmonkey J.T. Hellstrom? I understand Vinny's frustration as if anyone in Genoa City deserves to die it's J.T. just on general principal. Seeing J.T. alive when I thought he'd been whacked would have pissed me off too. Yet this week Vinny was harping on the "stuff" of his Bobby has, he somehow thinks Bobby would have told Nikki Newman where this stuff is and this therefore justified taking Nikki hostage?

If he needed his stuff back so bad why didn't Vinny give Bobby an ultimatum? "Yo, Bobby! You've got 'til the end of the week. Give me my stuff or your ass is grass," Vinny might have said.

And if Bobby couldn't come up with the stuff he could have gone to Nikki. He could has asked her for money if it's money Vinny wants. Bobby could have asked Nikki for some jewelry if that's what Vinny wants. God knows Nikki has drawers full of jewelry. Yes, Bobby said he didn't want Nikki in his business, but Jesus! His life, that of his wife and baby, were at stake. Sometimes you have to put pride aside.

If Bobby absolutely couldn't bring himself to do what a man's gotta do he could have gone to Victor Newman. He didn't hesitate spilling his guts to the great man when he thought Nikki may have known what he and Vinny were up to. So what was the problem? Bobby could have said, "Hey, Victor! Remember when you helped Diego Guittierez get even with the Frito Banditos? Well, I've got a similar problem."

And Victor, a man so wealthy he didn't mind losing $100,000, with his vast resources, could have arranged for Bobby's needs, nipped Vinny in the bud and thus put an end to Bobby's problems.

It's also difficult to comprehend why mob leaders saw Bobby's debt to Vinny as a threat to their entire operation. Why blame Bobby when it's Vinny they should have been pressuring? Why didn't crime boss Bertolli Lewis tell Vinny, "Look pal. You owe us. If you were dumb enough to give Marsino those diamonds that's your problem so pay up!"

Now we're supposed to believe that because Vinny's kidnapping caper went bust this means Bobby will have to go into the Witness Protection Program? It's true! The GCN learned earlier this week the creepy Christine 'Bug" Blair will suggest Bobby do this as if going into the WPP is like joining the Book of the Month Club. We don't know yet how the Bug wormed her way into Bobby's business when she's hard pressed to defend Daniel Romalotti. We don't know how a divorce attorney/litigator became a criminal defense lawyer either except that in Genoa City - with its shortage of attorneys - there are just two all-purpose ones here to serve the needs of all.

We do know that if the Federal Government decides to nail the Mob and its case depends on Bobby's testimony the Feds are in deep trouble. Under the best of circumstances the Feds no longer put witnesses in the protection program because the government doesn't have the money. The program is all but disbanded. Above all, cities and states do not have such programs and only in the most extreme case would a state go after racketeers. Bobby, out of the mainstream Mob for years, couldn't possibly have any knowledge of Mr. Lewis' operation. Even if he did there's not much for Lewis to fear as he's already doing time for the Brittany Hodges' fiasco last year.

So bring it on you slippery Bug! Show us again your Sears Law School degree and tell us how you "know the law" and are a force to be reckoned with. We're always up for a good laugh.

Let My Woman Go!

August 3, 2005

Thank God it's almost over. Almost because the aftermath of Vinny Trabuco's demise is yet to come. As I thought what a pity it came to this, and considered not even writing a report it was so lame, I had to laugh. Deep in the bowels of the local strip club on Wednesday former owner Bobby Marsino was looking down the barrel of Vinny's gun. Instead of thinking, Jesus, this guy could blow my head clean off and I better keep my mouth shut, Bobby looked Vinny in the eye.

"Either shoot me or put the gun down," he ordered, and as Vinny said he damm sure would Bobby swore. "If you do I'll rip your heart out of your chest before I die."

This, of course, made Vinny think twice. "Well, okay. I won't shoot if you promise not to turn me or my goon into the cops," he said in so many words. Except now it was too late. Bobby had no choice. Since Vinny had threatened his wife and unborn child there was only one thing to do. Kill me!

Before Vinny could do just that his goon whacked Bobby in the head with the butt of a gun knocking him out cold. From there the plan was to grab Nikki Newman and make their escape.

Meanwhile, in the main showroom where sex-starved men were cheering for the strippers emulating sex onstage to take it all off, Nikki's rescuers were watching the show! No, really. They were. Victor Newman was wondering why it was taking so long to ascertain whether Vinny was there - or not - as they'd seen his car outside and had a pretty good idea he was backstage in the dressing room. Somewhere along the line it had been decided to let Bobby do the search while Private Eye Paul 'Clueless' Williams took a pee in the ally. Bobby hadn't reported his findings and now Victor was getting edgy.

"We need to sit tight. We don't know the situation," Clueless cautioned, madly flipping the pages of his Private Investigating Handbook for Dummies. Impatient, Victor walked over to ask the club manager what he'd told Bobby earlier. "I told him I hadn't seen your wife and he asked if Vinny Trabuco was back there," was all the manager would say until Victor prodded him. "Well, was he?"

Since the manager wasn't sure Victor returned to his table where Clueless said they can't just go busting down doors. Besides, there was no way to determine whether Nikki was there. Victor waited a moment for this moronic statement to sink in before it dawned on him Clueless could wait, but he was gonna save his wife. For all anyone knew Nikki might have wet her pants since she'd needed to pee seemingly hours ago.

Making his way into the large intestine Victor came across Bobby flat on his back. Then he saw the goon with Nikki and Vinny who sputtered having had a feeling they'd meet again. Unfortunately for Victor, Vinny couldn't release the bawling Nikki for she was his ticket out of this mess. Ignoring Victor's demands not to lay a hand on Nikki the goon and Vinny hauled her into the main showroom waving their guns in the air. As expected, the crowd went wild. Like sheep they herded for the exits.

In all the confusion Victor managed to catch up with Vinny and told him again to let his screaming woman go. For all his threats to blow the "old man" away Vinny didn't have the guts. When the opportunity presented itself Victor gave the goon an elbow to the gut and a slug to the jaw for good measure. In a desperate attempt to keep Nikki under control Vinny dropped his gun. The agile, now pumped, Victor not only retrieved the weapon but picked Vinny up too and tossed him like a sack of feathers behind the bar.

With the danger past and the hard work out of the way Clueless came out of hiding to slap the cuffs on Vinny and frogmarch him into the hands of the omnipresent GCPD arriving late after the fact as usual along with an ambulance not for Bobby, but for a whimpering Nikki. His head swollen in more ways than one Bobby emerged to speak coherently about seeing to it that "those guys" will be going away for a long time and knowing Genoa City, without a trial.

In Cold Blood

August 2, 2005

What did the GCN report? That captive Nikki Newman might pull an Izzy Brana by using her blood in some way to tip off those searching for her? Sure enough! At a remote warehouse Tuesday on the outskirts of Genoa City's industrial district small fry gangster Vinny Trabuco continued badgering his hostage. Nikki better tell what she doesn't know or she'll end up at the bottom of a lake - or worse!

Despite that she'd been bawling earlier and pleading for her meaningless life Nikki's demeanor changed. In a position to bargain now Nikki wanted something in return. It was a far better deal to take what she doesn't know to her grave.

As if to prove just what dumb clucks they are Vinny's muscle man agreed. Nikki had a point. Flustered, Vinny said he needed time to think. He had to weigh the alternatives. On the plus side Nikki promised if Vinny released her she would tell her all powerful husband she hadn't been harmed. On the negative side Vinny already knew his goose was cooked. With Victor's vast "resources" it was only a matter of time until Nikki was found. In the event Nikki was with him when that happened Vinny could use her as a bargaining tool.

As Vinny strained his brain neither he nor his goon noticed Nikki cutting her finger. As blood dripped by the liter Nikki waited until Vinny revealed where he was taking her and without being noticed scrawled the letters "MAR" on a box close by. The letters, as a child of four would have known, stood for Marsino's strip club so named after its former owner Bobby Marsino.

Meanwhile, worried that by leaving the law office of Baldwin & Blair they wouldn't be able to track Vinny's movement because GPS tracking software is not portable and cannot be installed on a laptop so they might carry it with them, Victor, Bobby and private eye Paul 'Clueless' Williams made their move anyway.

They arrived moments later at the warehouse to find it empty. Clues were all around leading them to believe Vinny had been there earlier with Nikki, including a hanky Victor recognized as Nikki's by the perfume on it, however. What really tipped them off were the letters written in blood. There could be no doubt about it. Nikki had been moved to Marsino's.

Why Clueless wasted his time and money on a GPS device may never be known as he should have known all along there's only one place in the city the Mob hangs out. It was only fitting Vinny's crime spree should come to an end here too as how would it look, if say, a scene was made at the respectable Newman's Jitter Joint or Athletic Club?

Still whining about being manhandled, although she loves when Victor does it, Nikki was stashed in the last place anyone would look for her, the stripper's dressing room. When Bobby's former partner objected Vinny reminded Angelo it's only by the grace of the Mob the club is still in business. The deal was clear all along. In exchange for providing a place where people can be held hostage Marsino's gets to keep its doors open.

With his ducks in a row Vinny went back to grilling Nikki. Where's the stuff? She's got five minutes to hack it up. At six seconds her "pampered miserable life" as she's known it will end.

That's all it took to piss Nikki off. She spat in Vinny's face then squealed like a fat pig when Vinny put the gun he should have had at the Sugar Shack to her head.

"Please don't shoot me," Nikki begged, right after she'd spat in Vinny's face.

Maybe he didn't want to draw attention to himself. Maybe he didn't want people at the club asking, "Say, wasn't that a gun shot? Maybe Vinny knew Victor and Clueless were only minutes away made Vinny decide to wait again until Nikki told him where the "stuff" she knows nothing about is.

As Vinny twiddled his thumbs Nikki's saviors were entering the club. They'd seen Vinny's car parked outside so the odds were good he was somewhere in the area. Before asking Angelo any questions Clueless wanted to know if the man could be trusted. Bobby said he didn't know about trust, but he can tell when Angelo is lying.

Smelling Nikki close by Victor asked, "What if she's back there" only to have Clueless tell him one of the most important things about vigilante justice is to check one hiding place at a time. That said Clueless instructed Victor to wait while he checked the ally and Bobby asked Angelo if he'd seen Vinny.

Angelo wasn't sure. With the club bursting at the seams with horny, sexless men wanting to play pocket pool as hot chicks onstage emulated having sex with a metal pole, it was, um, hard to keep track. It was then Bobby noticed something strange going on in the dressing room so he asked Angelo.

"Maybe Vinny might know," Angelo actually said.

Instead of maybe asking Angelo how he could ask Vinny if Angelo didn't know whether Vinny was there or not Bobby went to for a look see by his lonesome. Finding the room empty Bobby pounded on the door demanding Vinny let him in. And lo, like Alice in Wonderland, Vinny emerged.

Vinny was so surprised to see Bobby he actually said, "I didn't think I'd ever see you around here again," although he had no reason to make such a statement as at that point Vinny didn't know Bobby was onto him. It was only when Nikki bit the goon's hand and cried out "I'm in here!" that Bobby figured out what was going on. By then it was too late. Vinny had a gun on him.

There's something to be said for crime and the fighting of it in Genoa City. If there were guns and bazookas and knives and slutty chicks and corrupt cops (Oh wait! We've got the last two) and drive-by shootings and pipe beatings and you could taste the toxic prison food these thug characters will soon enjoy, watching an old man, a clueless PI and an over-the-hill whoremaster taking the law into their own hands might be a thrill.

But when the damsel in distress flips back and forth between passive and aggressive, drains her own blood and writes with it where she can be found, when the bad guy goes to the first place people will look for him during happy hour, when the PI's GPS system won't work outside the office and the PI stops to take a pee in the ally you gotta wonder how many more times your intelligence can be insulted.

Without a Lawyer, Without a Trial, Crime Case Ends With a Whimper

January 25, 2005

Had it been the home of once Public Enemy #1 Kevin Fisher police detective Hank 'KGB' Weber would have kicked the door down and burst in search warrant be damned.

Considering, however, that the Abbott Hotel is owned by the influential John 'Yawn' Abbott and the now powerful CEO of Chancellor Industries resides there with the old man was apparently reason Tuesday for Weber to stand outside on the stoop asking Jack Abbott for permission to go in and snoop around.

Denied, the door slammed in his face after squealing that Sandra King is really Phyllis Summers, Weber was left to peek through the door until Abbott opened it again. This time Weber said he wanted the clothing worn by Ms Summers as evidence and again was told to stick it where the sun don't shine.

The event was but another on the long list of blunders Weber and others attached to the Summers/Porter criminal case have committed since the so-called attempted murder of former prison inmate Dominic Hughes. The worst of which was at that very moment being exacerbated at the Genoa City Jail.

By special request District Attorney Glenn Richards had agreed to meet with Hughes at the jail to consider his request for better jail conditions. Hughes wanted his jailers to either clean the place up, maybe put in cable-TV or ship him back to Georgia on a parole violation charge pronto.

Told there'd be no going back to his "cushy" prison cell unless he first agreed to answer questions put to him by an attorney representing one of the defendants accused of trying to kill him, Hughes must have assumed he had nothing to lose. Despite his meek request to have an attorney of his own present Hughes agreed to waive his rights when Richards said he didn't need one.

And so it was that Baldwin grilled Hughes about coming to Genoa City. Why would a man just released on parole want to visit the lovely city? It's not like Hughes had friends or family here. It's not like this is still America where people are supposed to be able to come and go as they please. Plus, why would anyone come to a place they aren't wanted? At least two people didn't approve of Hughes' visit and that, apparently, justified Baldwin's love it or leave it insinuation.

Furthermore, Baldwin wanted to know why didn't Hughes hadn't asked for police protection when he knew Damon Porter would be gunning for him? Didn't Hughes know the man whose child he killed was a card-carrying member of the National Samurai Sword Association? Didn't he know that police drop everything whenever someone calls to say their lives are in danger?

Moreover, why did Hughes leave Georgia in violation of his parole? Could it be it wasn't a violation at all and that he had permission? It's not like Baldwin knew the specifics of Hughes' parole. Don't forget, Hughes was caught trying to rape Ms. Summers in his motel room that fateful day by the very man charged with trying to kill him. You can't get a more credible witness than that.

When it became obvious Hughes was confused, was saying more than he should and that regardless of how he'd waived his rights had clearly been entrapped and his rights trampled on, Baldwin played his ace in the hole.

In this particular instance it was Baldwin's butt-hole associate Paul 'Clueless' Williams who had managed to coerce Kramer 'Fuzzy' Walsh, Hughes' partner in what was a convenience store robbery Walsh eventually pulled off by himself.

Wagging his finger, Walsh identified Hughes as the man who planned the convenience store robbery and who he witnessed buying a handgun.

That's all it took to convince Richards. He ordered Hughes taken away in handcuffs. Although the condemned man shouted it wasn't over by a long shot it'll be a cold day in Hell if Hughes is ever seen again much like Tricia McNeil and Izzy Williams before him. These people simply disappear. Without a lawyer. Without a trial.

All charges against Summers were dropped and no new charges - of which there could have been plenty - would be brought against her. She is, as Summers will undoubtedly say somewhere along the line, "a free woman."

Porter, the carefree spirit who was never all that concerned about his case for all the yapping he did about what would happen should he be found guilty, at last report had yet to be informed that the case had been tossed because his lawyer, the so concerned never lets her clients down Christine 'Bug' Blair, was out of town.

Pin the Tail on the Donkey

January 20, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

And then you read the appalling little story about how Genoa City's busiest attorney with so many cases on his plate yet still finds time to travel about the city on personal business and take frequent coffee breaks at the Newman Jitter Joint managed what was supposed to be a pony ride at the Newman Ponderosa.

You might have wondered too how Lauren Fenmore, the owner of the city's largest department store and Little Shop of Horrors where she personally takes inventory twice each week and has sex on the floor, was able to get away to join Michael Baldwin for a roll in the chaff-infected Newman hay because she's actually afraid of horses and had no intention of riding anything except Baldwin's little stud.

You may have asked who gave Baldwin permission to ride the horses? Was it bestowed upon him by his client? Since Phyllis Summers supposedly rents the Newman tackyroom, but never puts in more than a half day's work at Newman Enterprises so how can she afford the rent unless it's $1 per month, while she works endlessly for no compensation getting herself out of criminal charges did she tell Baldwin to go have fun at her expense?

Or did Baldwin call Victor Newman and maybe say, "Hey Vic. I've got nothing to do for the next day or so. Could I go horseback riding at your ranch?"

And who gave Damon Porter and Adrienne Markham permission to go riding too? Did Summers do this? Did she tell Porter that while his attorney is out of town and not the least bit concerned that he might go to prison that he should take it easy while she works to free him from the same criminal charges?

It's been asked before, but is this not the strangest legal case you've ever seen in Genoa City? Is it even slightly weird that with a trial date set the lawyers are either out of town or romping in the hay? Is it not strange that private detective Paul 'Clueless' Williams said this week he's got a "couple of ideas" to solve the case but nobody asked him what those ideas are?

And don't forget the part about Summers' son, Daniel. Wasn't the long-hair pivotal to this case? Wasn't there much concern for his mother's wellbeing and much made about Daniel's relationship with Porter? Was that all wasted time tossed away when Summers dumped Porter as a sex partner yet still cares so much for him she's doing all the dirty work to free him?

How is it that Summers has no money for a real apartment to live in but plenty to spend on an expensive lawyer? Will it turn out that Baldwin represented her Sonny Bono?

This is about the time your head spins all the way around and you shudder in disbelief and stifle a giggle and reach for the industrial strength barf-bags because otherwise you just smash your head with a brick to numb the pain.

Because if you've been paying any attention at all this is where you ask what were the odds that Baldwin would ride donkey-face Fenmore on the same day and at the same place as Porter and Markham? Was it so the sad freaks could wag their fingers and cause Baldwin great embarrassment? Was the romp in the hay meant to distract from the socially humiliating stink Baldwin stepped in?

And then you remember, furthermore, how Porter hasn't worked since the great "Silver Bullet" fiasco and that Markham has no visible means of support yet both carry on as if they had not a care in the world but that of their son who died eight years ago. Only since the boy's killer came up for parole do they remember the death to such a degree it causes fainting spells.

Here's a suggestion: replay the video of any scene wherein Porter or Markham discuss their son. As you do sniff some cocaine or gulp down your drug of choice whenever their final spark of dignity flames out. Lie back on the sofa. Let it all sink in for a few moments before frantically brushing yourself off as if you were just hit by a swarm of dung beetles.

Get them off!

Let's spell it out again for old time's sake. This digging up absolute smallest shreds of past memories has gone on much too long. There is no evil Satan plotting to get them. There is no case. Their own dysfunctional agendas, misinformation and pony rides have done more to discredit them then Dominic Hughes could have ever dreamed. This entire pack of weasels is more loathed and mocked than anytime in the past 30 years. Their credibility is shot. All outrage has become lethargic. We are numb from the pity parties. Disgusted with Porter's pseudo-intellectual dumb-guy act and his evil stares. Appalled at how they can say, okey doke, we're off to the ponderosa for a pony ride which may be a subtle way of confirming it's but a carousel at the carnival. A game of pin the tail on the donkey.

Stuck in the Mud, Legal System Spins

January 10, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

With word out that at long last a date has been set for the Damon Porter/Phyllis Summers trial I tried picturing myself volunteering for jury duty. Would they take me?

Sure, I'd have to do something about my smirk, keep the snickering to myself and not burst out laughing at things like when attorney Michael Baldwin, representing Summers, said this week that the wheels of justice were "spinning quickly".

I'd have to stifle urges to scream that a trial has been scheduled given the fact that there's been no investigation. Who did police detective Hank Weber question? Yes, he spoke once with Porter and Summers but never checked out their alibis or looked at victim Dominic Hughes as anything more than a victim. As far as anyone knows Weber hasn't seen the prison transcript being withheld by Baldwin's law partner, Christine 'Bug' Blair. Even if Weber does see the transcript and is too dumb to figure out there's no case wouldn't the District Attorney know better than to move forward at the risk of being laughed out of court? Is, as it was last year when the prosecution was desperate to nail Victor Newman, this a situation of needing to convict someone because it's an election year regardless that those arrested are innocent?

I know what you're thinking. There will be a trial but there won't be a jury. But wait! Isn't this a case of attempted murder? Isn't it a capital crime? Shouldn't it be a trial by jury? Shouldn't it be more than a sleepy judge making rulings from the bench as witnesses and non-witnesses make outbursts in the courtroom? Shouldn't it be more than a kangaroo court?

I want to be on the jury. I want to see how the attorneys would interview potential jurors but this has never been part of Genoa City justice. There are no preliminary hearings. No evidence hearings. No teams of lawyers. No expert witnesses. Here, everyone just shows up one day in court. Random witnesses testify as others waiting to testify sit right in the courtroom. In some cases those with no knowledge of the case testify. And there are many outbursts.

If there is a jury and I get on it I don't think I'll last long. I don't think I can tolerate another trial wherein the fate of some lost-looking soul who very possibly should go to prison will escape the hangman's noose thanks to last-minute evidence found by detective Paul Williams. He does that you know. Bangs around weeks before a case in his office, never going outside for much more than to pee, but manages to find the smoking gun just in time to make a dramatic Perry Mason appearance.

No, they won't want a jury, or me on it. The defense attorneys will say it's a relatively straightforward case involving a gun and a samurai sword. Not much to it, really. No witnesses to speak of. No evidence but some prison transcript a paralegal could have suppressed - and no case. At best Porter could be charged with assault, but even that's a stretch given Summers could testify Porter was acting in self-defense.

This is the gist. Dominic Hughes is the one who should be on trial. Simple, really. Find the dude guilty, send him back to prison. Porter and Summers go free. But where would the emotion be? Who would care whether Hughes lives or dies? Nobody. But, you take two shady characters like Porter and Summers, mix in a dead child, add a pinch of live child who wonders what will become of him should his mother go to prison and you have emotion.

Oh please! Don't let Summers or Porter go to prison. We need them around for the laughs. We need to hear more of Porter's pointless conversations with his ex wife Adrienne who has made it known she's going by her maiden name, Markham. Isn't that thrilling? We need to watch Markham have sex with Malfunction Winters who will take to porking his former wife, Olivia Winters, too.

We need to keep Summers free so that she can go on to chew out her boss again and keep a job at which she never works. We need to have a trial so that attorney Blair can throw around her knowledge of the one-size-fits-all law as she points at her law degree from Sears. We need to hear Baldwin say he's got more cases than he can handle despite never being seen doing anything more than giving his crazed brother tips on how to score beak-nosed girls or traipsing out to the Newman ranch on Christmas Eve.

There shouldn't be a trial. Certainly not one heard by a jury. The attorneys don't want the risk that some well educated person might be on it and hence, would laugh at their courtroom antics and like The Last Angry Man, either hang the jury or find Porter and Summers innocent which, or course, they are.

After all, what would you rather have deciding your fate? A sleepy judge or twelve semi-intelligent jury members?

Nope. Looks like I won't see jury duty this time. Maybe next.

No Trial Date Set in Murder Case

January 4, 2004

Nearly a month has passed since Phyllis Summers was arrested for conspiracy to commit murder and whatever else police detective Hank 'KGB' Weber can think up while Summers remains free on bond. Her partner in crime, Damon Porter also remains free on bond. Both are said to have tricked prison parolee Dominic Hughes into traveling from Georgia to Wisconsin so that they could extract revenge for Hughes' murder of Porter's son.

Prior to her arrest Summers had only occasional reported to her work place at Newman Enterprises where she allegedly works as a webmaster except for the times she's dickering with sometimes employee and nepotistic hire, Dru Winters over a beauty pageant which will never take place.

Employed by Jabot Cosmetics as a lab rat, Porter has not actually worked at Jabot in just over a year although he reportedly remains on the financially strapped company payroll.

Subsequent to their arrest neither suspect has worked but will apparently find a way to pay their massive legal bills the least of which are their, or anyone in this city who's ever been arrested or ever will be, worries.

Represented by the law firm of Baldwin, Blair & Associates, both Porter and Summers could both go free thanks to some fancy foot dragging Christine 'Bug' Blair and Michael Baldwin like to call legal maneuvering wherein they delay so long the District Attorney grows tired of waiting and throws the case out before so much as a preliminary hearing can be held.

Summers could be free as a birdbrain today were Blair to turn over the recorded transcript she has of Summers' prison conversations with Hughes which prove she had no malice or aforethought in the attempted Samurai sword slaying of him.

As Porter's attorney Blair has been making every effort to keep the evidence from Baldwin for fear turning it over would seal Porter's fate in that it indicates his desire to see Hughes dead was premeditated.

Regardless of the ethical reasons to handover the evidence, Blair still hopes she can argue that Summers was trying to scare Hughes should she at some point have to do the right thing. That point was reached Tuesday when Blair admitted to Baldwin that she's lower than a snake in a rut. The prison did secretly recorded Summers conversation and all charges should be dropped so that Summers can get on with her miserable life.

Asked by Baldwin why she waited so long the question put to Blair was answered by private detective Paul 'Clueless' Williams.

"It's more more complicated than that?" he actually said, as if unjustly accused persons in America should just go around thinking there's a good chance they'll be going to prison for something they did not do.

"But it makes my client look guilty as hell," the creepy Bug squealed which goes to show just how slimy this critter and her former lover/husband are. It shows that these two would probably love nothing more than to be in charge of Gitmo - America's own little Devil's Island - if given the opportunity.

Then, is a veiled attempt to cover her sorry ass, the Bug whined, "ethically I had to protect my client."

Ethically, the Bug had an obligation to level with Baldwin. But when in Genoa City has ethics ever mattered?

Adding insult to injury the Bug spewed, "No damage was done."

It cannot be emphasized has creepy this is. The Bug of all critters should know the nightmare of being unjustly charged with a crime.

Despite the lack of trust Baldwin now has for his so-called partners, despite the Bug's thinking it can all be smoothed over by whimpering "I'm sorry" the one remaining atrocity none of them seem to be bothered about is that to this day no trial date has been set.

This is the Justice System in Genoa City. It's large wheels spin, but justice is rarely meted out. The right to a speedy trial unheard of, suspects are arrested without credible evidence. And where might Hughes be? Rotting in the city jail waiting to be transferred back to prison on an alleged parole violation. He too, like Tricia McNeil and Izzy Williams, without the benefit of legal representation.