Yes, I heard about that little skirmish school boy Devon Hamilton
got into at the Jitter Joint with a drug dealer from Crack Ho Park.
I heard how bad boy Jack Abbott actually broke up what amounted to a
shoving match and that's about all there was to it.
And yes, Devon had no business telling the dealer, or anybody, to
get out of the JJ because last time I checked, the JJ is a coffee
shop open to the public. Yes, the likes of J.T. Hellstrom
think they can run people out of town if they don't like how they
look and that's maybe why Devon thought he had rights, but he
doesn't. If he felt his addict mother might have been tempted to buy
some crack Devon should have just walked Yolanda over to the other
side of the room or told a JJ manager/owner that the dealer was
disturbing them and let someone else throw out the trash.
The scene, pointless as it was, would have been forgotten if it
hadn't come to pass that a police officer arrived later at the
Winters' wooden box at just the coincidental time when Devon's
adopted father, Neil Winters happened to be at home. Making a
point of saying the dealer had not filed a complaint against Devon,
the cop informed Neil that because Devon is in foster care a report
would have to be filed with Social Services.
Neil, dumb as a bump on a log, didn't question the cop. He didn't
ask how the cop knew about the incident and since the cop hadn't
actually seen the incident, how could he report anything? Weren't
there more important things for cops to be doing? Parking tickets,
jay-walking? Did the drug dealer tell the cop he'd been manhandled?
Would a dealer really do something so stupid? Would a cop say, yeah,
I know that kid from the time he stole money from a 7-11 customer so
I better report him?
Neil, such a boob, profusely thanked the cop for protecting and
serving and then blasted Devon for taking the law into his own
hands. Like Neil has never taken the law in his own hands? Neil let
off another stink bomb when he made a speech about violence never
being the answer when Neil - and that evil bitch wife of his - are
the first to resort to violence when things aren't going their way.
And Yolanda Hamilton, the urge to get high still haunting her,
flip-flopped. At first she praised Devon for trying to protect her
from the bad man, then she demanded he apologize to Neil who said
he's worried because Devon is still in the foster care system.
What the hell? What kind of lawyers did Neil hire to handle Devon's
adoption? Oh, that's right. He didn't. He and his wife just signed
some papers without reading the small print. Only in Genoa City
could there be a contract which stipulates that while the adoption
is final, while the State is rid of another drain on its resources,
if the kid so much as looks crossed-eyed it can be snatched away and
tossed into a level-12 group facility somewhere in Green Bay in the
blink of an eye.
Neil squirmed and wormed so much he almost qualified as this week's
Weasel of the Week especially when he told Devon, "I'm disappointed
in you." Oh, that's smart. Tell a kid already suffering from low
self esteem what a disappointment he is. Whatever you do Neil, don't
praise the kid or get your ass to a lawyer and ask how it is that
the State of Wisconsin has any lingering interest in what should now
be your son in every sense of the word, or, as the creeps in this
town like to say, "every way that matters".
No, Neil. You send Devon to his room like a little kid. You forget
that Devon is going to be eighteen next year and can legally walk
away from you like an avian flu-infected chicken flies the coop. You
tell him Neil. You tell Devon to think about what you said and when
he realizes what a government ass-kisser you are, watch him rebel.
Listen too as Yolanda tries to redeem herself and says correctly
you're treating her son like a "criminal" and hints that if you
don't stop she may take legal action to get her son back although
it's pretty late in the game since by next year it won't matter.
Talk about speedy government service. Not much more than a Genoa
City hour had passed but what fat-ass social worker Lorena Davis
was on the phone with Neil. It's not clear what she said but
whatever it was Neil turned white. He immediately placed a call to
his on the road again wife in St. Louis to say Devon "could be in
serious trouble."
The call freaked Dru Winters too as she'd just been talking about
how, since allowing Yolanda to live with them, she's become worried
that Yolanda might want to play Devon's mother. Neil's sputtering
that he didn't like Yolanda's attitude, in that she told Devon not
to sweat the small stuff, was of greater concern.
"What is wrong with that woman?" Neil hacked, adding that if Devon
listens to Yolanda and not his adopted parents, they, Neil and Dru,
"might lose this kid forever."
You know, the more we think about it, the more we're thinking Neil
is the Weasel of the Week. Do you see? Instead of calling a lawyer,
granted attorneys are rare these days and two of the three aren't
working, Neil digs his own grave. He should be finding out why the
State has any claim to Devon at this stage and what, if anything, he
can do about it and why he let it be this way in the first place his
brain rotted from alcohol abuse notwithstanding.
On his
own Neil qualified as WOW, but for the first time the GCN can
recall, there are two Weasels of the Week. Dru ranks right up there
beside her husband for her decision at the last moment to cut a
business trip short and rush home due to what she called a "family
emergency".
Whatever
they are, Devon's troubles no longer qualify as an emergency since
each time he escapes punishment. Like Dru's travel/business partner
Sharon Newman, Devon is yesterday's news. Fussing again over their
boy is like watching two weasels arguing over who gets the dead
meat. And really, haven't we seen enough of that?
Crack Baby
October 26, 2005
by Brent Kellogg
I think I've finally figured
out Devon Hamilton's problem. He's a crack baby! Jeez, the signs were there
all along. The group homes, punkiness, attitude, lack of respect for
authority, skipping school and running away don't do justice to Devon's
latest disrespect toward his adoptive parents.
To be sure, Dru and Neil Winters are no prize. But they've got money and
given Devon more free passes to do as he pleases than an undocumented
Mexican. Just this week the Winters let Devon walk all over them by refusing
to put an end to the job he's taken at the Jitter Joint. It would have
helped, perhaps, had Neil and Dru remembered Devon already has, or had, a
part-time job at Newman Enterprises. Instead of snarling like rabid dogs
about how important Devon's last year of high school is and that working a
fulltime job isn't conducive to passing grades, they could have made Devon
aware that for a 17-year-old reading last year at a third grade level, he's
damn lucky they're letting him work at all. They could have demanded coffee
shop owner Kevin Fisher terminate the minor too. But no, like the slugs they
are, Dru and Neil slithered back into their shells. What Devon wants, Devon
gets.
But then the Winters' aren't very bright. That Dru is especially stupid was
evidenced on Wednesday when she gave Devon's Meth-addicted mother some
spending money. Idiotic because Yolanda Hamilton is in a State-funded detox
center where, as a rule, inmates, um, addicts are not allowed to have drugs
or money. Moronic because earlier Devon told Yolanda he's working on getting
her an apartment where, apparently, they both will live when she gets out.
Crazy, because there's no way in hell anyone, except maybe the operator of
some dive, would rent an apartment to the very underage-looking Devon.
Silly, it would be to think that even if Devon could put away enough money
for the first and last month's rent and a deposit that anyone would rent to
Yolanda with no job or credit reference.
Never mind that a senior in high school could in any way keep his grades up,
work fulltime, baby-sit his mother and still go on to college, what was Dru
thinking? Was she really trying to be nice? Not bloody likely. Remember,
this is one back-stabbing bitch. This is the same Dru who not so long ago
was bashing her boss, calling Nick Newman "Little Lord Fauntleroy" and today
said how pleased she is to hear Nick will be returning to the office to
"crack some heads."
Dru must know the first thing Yolanda will do with that money is score dope.
In her warped mind, Dru probably thinks keeping Yolanda high will insure
she's forever rotting in a rehab center or out on the street so stoned she
won't know the time of day much less Devon. It might be a good plan were it
not for the fact
Devon has already demonstrated the only thing he cares about is his mother.
Not that it's not a noble cause, it's that Devon can't pull it off.
Devon is a crack baby. Crack babies are dependent on their mother's breast
for the fix they were addicted to long before birth. Without their drug of
choice, babies like Devon grow up to be troubled kids. They get into trouble
with the law; tossed out of school; threatened with level-12 group home
placement; all the things Devon has done. Giving Devon a taste of the good
life hasn't helped. While other kids in similar circumstances would have
turned their lives around in a heartbeat and gone about getting their
parents help through legitimate channels, Devon's brain cells have been
fried. He's, forgive the term, retarded.
If Devon wasn't mentally challenged he'd be asking why Medicaid is not
paying for his mother's rehab. He'd be wondering why she isn't on Social
Security since being addicted to hard drugs is one of the easiest ways to
get on the government dole. He'd be wondering why Yolanda isn't collecting Food
Stamps or on any number of government programs designed to help people in
need.
Ah, there's no entertainment value in that. Better for Devon that he go
around like a lost puppy dragging his lip on the ground, disrespecting and
not listening to those for whom without his ass would be so locked up right
now. Damn crack baby.
One
Size Fits All
September 22, 2005
by Brent Kellogg
Are you like me? Are you having a hard time picking the one teenager in
Genoa City you dislike the most? It's not that we dislike these teens
because they're rich and well connected. It's not that they're spoiled brats
who never have to go to school and we're just a bit jealous because we never
got to skip classes so we could work at part-time jobs or plan grand
openings for coffee shops. It's not that these kids can commit crimes and
always have the charges against them dropped. No, what bugs us about these
teens is that they hate and kiss ass so well.
Devon Hamilton is a good example. Here's a kid - lucky in a way to have been
adopted by the rich Winters clan, unlucky in that he got stuck with such a
dysfunctional family - who should be grateful he's not living in a level-12,
high security facility for wayward boys in Greenbay, not selling drugs or
himself on the streets or living in a cardboard box - oozing with hate.
Granted, with hatred a way of life in Genoa City, it may not be entirely
Devon's fault. Hate is something practiced in this town by the most
upstanding pillars of society.
Still, at a time when his Meth addicted mother is suffering, when he's
desperate to get his mother help, why is Devon being so hateful? Why did he
snap like a rabid turtle at Daniel Romalotti this week when Daniel asked if
he could sit in the same room with him? Moreover, why does Daniel
persistently go to places he's not wanted and repeatedly strike up
conversations with people who hate him? Did Daniel really think Devon would
tell him anything about Lily Winters? If the boarding school Lily attends is
so liberal and not really a reform school, why hasn't Lily contacted Daniel
herself? Has she forgotten they were lovers? Has she forgotten the crime
spree they went on a few months ago?
Daniel says he loves Lily, but if this is true wouldn't he have used his
mother's influence or his vast resources to find out where Lily is? Wouldn't
he have avoided being seen in public with what Kevin Fisher called a "hot"
babe just weeks after Lily's departure? Daniel may have been wrongly accused
of Cassie Newman's death, does not deserve to be called a "bad seed" by Dru
Winters (a black sheep if there ever was one), but did he really ruin Lily's
life? Devon thinks so.
Devon said it again on Wednesday. If it hadn't been for Daniel's instant
love affair with a girl he hardly knew Lily wouldn't have been sent away
leaving him to take the full brunt of his adopted parent's maniacal mood
swings. If it hadn't been for Lily going to bat for him, convincing his new
parent's to cut him slack time after time, he'd be in a group home. It
wasn't like Devon was practically holding a ticket in his hand and about to
board the bus to Green Bay when the Winters saved his sorry ass. Lily did
it. Lily, this. Lily, that. Lily "changed" him. Oh what a good example Lily
was. Now she's gone and it's all Daniel's fault.
And Daniel. What a good ass kisser he is. On his knees before Nick Newman,
Daniel pleaded for redemption when it was Nick who broke the law by
withholding evidence which later proved Daniel's innocence. Since Nick was
never charged Daniel has been willing to suck him like a Hoover. Now here he
is again panting like a battered housewife; telling Devon how sorry he is;
willing to get between Devon's legs if only Devon will give him a bone.
While he's doing a very good job of being a butthead on his own, who should
be condoning Devon's anti-Christian behavior? Why, none other than Mr.
Family Values himself, Neil Winter. Atta boy, Devon. Tell that bastard where
to go. Show Daniel how uptight and hypocritical we are. If you're good I'll
read the Bible to you tonight at bedtime.
Oops, there's Daniel again. Never knowing when to quit. Never seeing the
hypocrisy dripping from their foul mouths. "I'm not trying to cause any
trouble, Mr. Winters." I'm really a good boy, he kowtowed, only to have Neil
whip him like the slave who didn't pick enough cotton.
"Whip me, Mr. Neil. Whip me. I am so not worthy, but whip me anyway," Daniel
did not say, but you know, should have as he did say he understands why the
Winters hate him.
Is it too much to call Daniel dumb as a stump? Is it too much that in the
21st Century anyone would say they understand hate? Is it the ignorant
mindset? The lack of progress? The "we got to kill them over there before
they kill us over here" mentality that make these people say and do some of
the dumbest things known to man?
This is the problem. This is what's wrong in Genoa City. Interchangeable
characters with flip-flop opinions. Today the Winters hate Daniel, tomorrow
they'll love him. Nick hated Daniel, now he loves him. Those who were
enemies are now friends. Those who were married are now divorced. Those who
were addicts are detoxed. Those who were sweet and innocent are now in
boarding schools. Those who were locked up in psycho wards are back on the
street. Those who had breast cancer are cured. No Tamoxifen or bi-annual
checkups for the rest of their lives like normal folk. This is Genoa City
where one size fits all.
Nepotism Runs Deep
August 12, 2005
It's another of those funny things. Devon Hamilton, barely able to read and
write beyond a second grade level just a year ago, so caught up in his
crack-addicted mother's "weakness" only to dump her because she refuses to
go cold turkey, so inexperienced the only job he's ever held during his
short time on the planet was as a "manager" (read that gofer) for Victor
Newman's nobody goes there anymore Wreck Center, announced on Friday he'll
be starting work soon at Newman Enterprises!
Devon didn't say what, exactly, he'll be doing. It could be scrubbing
toilets or shining shoes, but most likely will be playing Brad Carlton's
assistant - or something for which he is in no way qualified. Devon did say
he got the job thanks to some strings his adopted daddy Neil Winters
pulled.
It's sad for a few reasons. First, the obvious inexperience and lack of
education. Second, the stink of nepotism reeks from this appointment as it's
another example of not what one knows, but who one knows, that allows dim
wits like Nick Newman to get ahead in Genoa City in more ways than one. All
it would take now is for Lily Winters to get a job at the Newman Empire and
the entire Winters clan would be gathered under the same nepotistic
umbrella. Third, there's the question of why elite teens in this town like
Devon never have jobs like common kids their age. Why do they not sling
hamburgers or work with their dads at the refuse company? In other words,
why is it that all the job openings are at NE or Jabot Cosmetics. Even a job
working at Lauren Fenmore's Little Shop of Horrors would have given Devon
some credibility. God knows Lauren isn't running the shop. She's too busy
being afraid of a woman she hasn't seen for years. For all anyone knows the
shop is closed now that poor saps like Billy Abbott, Raul Guittierez, J.T.
Hellstrom, Colleen Carlton and Brittany Hodges have found better things to
do than sell trinkets to local mobsters. In the sissy boy's case they've
apparently outgrown the need to fondle women's underwear.
More importantly fourth, there must be hundreds of smarter, well educated
kids in Genoa City in need of a good job. Why are they never given the
opportunity to work at NE or Jabot? Are they aware only those related to the
Newmans and the Abbotts get the good jobs? Are they repulsed by the rumors
of sex at the office? Do they fear touching the furniture might result in a
certain sticky substance getting on their hands and ruining their clothing?
Has word gotten around that to work at either of these firms will put a
permanent blemish on their resumes?
And finally, fifth. With school starting in a few weeks, considering all the
for-extra-credit high school students are given which includes reading books
and preparing book reports and given Devon can't read well, where on earth
will he find time to work?
Devon has not been trained from Day 1 to be a productive member of society.
He is not heavily guilted into believing that must involve some sort of
droning repetitive pod-like dress-coded work for a larger corporate cause.
Work is not for everyone. Work implies incredibly difficult choices and
arranging life in certain ways and giving up certain luxuries and many, many
people seemed locked down and lost forever in their work for
they are too deeply entrenched in debts and family obligations. Maybe you
are such people. Maybe you know such people. Devon Hamilton is not one of
them. His desire to owe his soul to the company store is suspect and only goes to show that in Genoa City
nepotism runs deep.
Strangers in the Night
June 30, 2005
The dark clouds of doom, they doth gather for Devon Hamilton. In a bone
chilling creepy sort of way to maybe divert attention away from the insanity
that is The Fugitive saga, and the who gives a crap who is in charge
of Newman Enterprises because it doesn't really matter as the company sort
of runs itself and doing quite nicely without Nick Newman, and the hope
Ashley Carlton gets what she deserves for not looking closer at Tom Fisher's
credentials and for being a married woman dating other men with the blessing
of her ignorant, not biological, father, the Genoa City axis is about to go
further off tilt as Devon returns for another chat with his real mother.
The first meeting didn't go well. That's all Devon would say subsequent to
the earlier visit with Mama Hamilton thought to have taken place on Union
Street which is just the most dangerous city street known to man. A crack
addict, Mama don't want nothing to do with her baby boy. We pretty much know
this. We can tell Mama will probably turn down Devon's offer to come live
with him inside the wooden box belonging to his new family. Sure, this isn't
a fact - yet. But think about it. Think about other down and out parents who
have been scraped off the streets or come to Genoa City looking for the pot
of gold. Think what happened when Charlotte Ramsey came here. Arthur
Hendricks and Amanda Hunnicutt and a host of others.
How lucky those people were. Ramsey the booze hound claiming to be Jill
Abbott's mother was cast aside when Katherine Sterling confessed she paid
Ramsey to lie and commit fraud. Hendricks, the retired judge, who got so
sick and tired of his daughter Jill and one-time stand Katherine arguing he
couldn't get out of town fast enough. Hunnicutt, who by her own daughter's
hand, was ordered out of Genoa City by the evil Mac Browning.
And now Devon is out there looking for Mama at a homeless shelter. Not the
popular Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle but some other shelter where he
was told his mother hangs at the park. The dark park where it's hard to find
people at night. The park where bag ladies peek out from behind the bushes.
The park where Devon took Sierra NoLastName since the Oreo-eater had
accompanied him to the shelter and when Devon said he's sure his mother has
forgotten all about him and Sierra said she's sure Mama Hamilton would never
forget her kid and Devon sneered at Sierra, "You don't even know her."
For once Sierra did something right. She didn't take kindly to being
badgered by an ungrateful snot who she was only trying to help only to have
him lip off to her. Sierra packed up her bag of cookies and left Devon alone
to deal with the spooks.
As sure as Devon is studying astrology in school Devon's mother, Yolanda,
emerged from the shadows moments later. My, how Devon has grown, Yolanda
noted. Gosh, how old is he now? 15? He sure acts like 15. No! 17? Who'd have
thunk it?
Giving his mother the once over Devon noted how thin she was. Golly, Mom. I
know you're an addict and all, but tell me, are you getting enough to eat?
Why don't you stop by the Newman Jitter Joint for a handout? Or the Athletic
Club? There's a nice manager there who gives out lots of free food. Mostly
sugar-laden stuff, but what the hell. Beggars can't be choosers. What's that
Mom? Your drug of choice is better than any OTC weight-loss pill and you
never have an appetite? So tell me, Ma. "What are you doing in the park?"
Devon had to ask this because he didn't hear the shelter guy say Yolanda
often hangs at the park. Yolanda had to explain she often sleeps at the park
so she can look at the stars so that Devon could say he studies astronomy in
school and by the way - has anyone ever seen Devon at school much less
study?
And because we know it was bound to happen Devon told of his good fortune.
The rich Winters clan who took him in and whose vast resources might be of some service
to help Yolanda whom only now Devon has shown the slightest interest. No dummy she Yolanda told her son not to let his Nike shoe connection
get away. As for herself, she's happy being an addict.
His tail tucked between his legs Devon laid a few bucks on Yolanda before
taking off and who knows. Maybe Devon will petition the City now to place a
moratorium on dredging up the past. It never comes of any good.
Whiny
Rich Boy Returns to his Roots
June 20, 2005
What's the deal? Did Devon Hamilton's dad split when he was a baby and his
screeching nag of a mom was an abusive neglectful pill-popping junkie and by
the way she still is, and isn't that cool in a totally miserable and
depressing way but wow, what a great excuse for Devon to go looking for dear
mother after all this time?
And Mama Hamilton is out there somewhere in Genoa City right now? She's
probably on Union Street which is just the most dangerous of all streets
especially at night?
Damn straight! Devon has confirmed this. He told Sierra NoLastName as much. With
adopted sister Lily Winters on the run Devon isn't feeling much a part of
the Winters clan these days. It doesn't take much. Papa Neil and Mama Dru need only
look at him cross-eyed to make Devon squirmy. It doesn't stop him from
wearing those $200 Nikes they gave him for Christmas, however. It doesn't
stop him from sucking up expensive lattes at the Newman Jitter Joint thanks
to a generous allowance the Winters give him.
Rage, rage, rage.
All the drugs and abuse and hardcore gang-bangin' streets and the lousy
group homes sent him to the Newman Wreck Center where he was near instantly
snapped up by the Winters and promised an all expenses paid college
education wasn't good enough for Devon. Anyone who has ever paid five
minutes of attention to him knows all the details of his amazing struggles
and his miserable life because, well, he makes them. First it was his dead
granny who gave him a birthday card he's carried around all these tragic
years. Then it was his birthday nobody remembered because he didn't tell
anyone what day he was born and got all snippy when he wasn't showered with
even more gifts.
Now Devon needs to find his real mommy so he might enlist her help in writing a
confessional tell-all my-father-molested-me book if only he could write
beyond the 4th grade level - or something. How sweet is this new attitude of
the angst-ridden, the self-centered adoptee, all egocentric, screw everyone
and to hell with the commentary about what a slug I am because dude I got
issues.
Feel sorry for me. I've ignored my own mother for the longest time and like
Mac Browning will probably hurl lots of bitch I hope you die sentiments at
her before issuing a leave town order should the Winters promise to never
again shun sweet and sour Devon and beg can't we be a big happy family again as
they've done so many times the result of which is a cracked and shattered
dysfunctional foursome.
This is modus operandi in Genoa City. All over-the-top self-reference and
first-person diatribe based on the lies of a mother so drunk on cold
medication she didn't know the man she spread her legs for was her
brother-in-law and now hides her daughter's true paternity. This is Dru
Winters who calls Phyllis Summers a "heifer" and her son a "bad seed" when
there's no seed worse than an incestuous seed.
This is Devon Hamilton centered on his persecution, his issues, his demons
and that time his drunk father smacked him with a frying pan. Or was that
Kevin Fisher? Oh how terribly they were treated as children yet for all the
fist-pumping, Us-versus-the-World sense of empowering unity think nothing of
inflicting those same evils on others. Now it's merely a self-flagellating,
Me-against-the-Whole-Damn-World attitude, and I hate just about everybody,
except my mom out there on the street, and that's Devon's contribution for
the week.
It's a Genoa City anarchy, the breakdown of the rebel. It's healthy
resistance turned inward and whiny. What drunk abusive pill-poppin' mama
wouldn't be proud her inherited privilege boy sought her out and what,
exactly, does Devon hope to accomplish by this?
All
the Rage
May 10, 2005
It is not funny that for the umpteenth time this week Dru Winters was
blaming herself for being a bad mother. It's not humorous to hear Phyllis
Summers say for the umpteenth time that had she been a better mother her son
wouldn't have got drunk and behind the wheel of a car even if Daniel
Romalotti did no such thing. It tugs on no heartstring to hear Sharon Newman
whine that if she hadn't ungrounded her daughter for one night Cassie Newman
might not be clinging to life.
It is sad that women like Mrs. Winters are so insecure, so suffering from
low self-esteem. It is pathetic that since hauling her daughter back from
Paris Dru hasn't been able to stop wondering if she's "doing the right
thing" by Lily Winters. In a skin-crawling kind of way it's pitiful that Dru
hasn't been able to cut Lily's seventeen-year-old umbilical cord. There she
was this week sniveling to her husband. Are they wrong for letting a
teenager make "some" of her own decisions?
Has there ever been a time Lily hasn't done what she wants when she wants?
Has Lily not been told repeatedly to stop making bad decisions only to go on
making bad choices always followed by a "what's wrong with me?" chant when
those decisions blow up in her face?
How many times must Dru repeat her mistakes before she learns she can't
control what Lily does? That Lily is a kid and kids do dumb things? How many
times will Dru say she doesn't know if she's being a "good enough" mother to
Lily and the adopted puppy, Devon Hamilton? Shouldn't she have thought about
this before taking on a full grown, troubled kid?
How many more times will Dru says she's not sure she's giving the kids what
they need? Aren't expensive toys like digital cameras, laptop computers and
Nike tennis shoes good enough? Is it not mighty fine that kids like Lily and
Devon always have money in their pockets for such things as high-priced
Newman Jitter Joint lattes?
Wouldn't the average teenager be thankful for the opportunity to go to the
finest schools, the hippest park parties and to have memberships at Genoa
City's elite health club? How many underprivileged kids would give their
right kidney for the chance to purchase expensive Mother's Day trinkets from
Lauren Fenmore's Little Shop of Horrors like Lily?
For all the junk Fenmore's carries Devon was unable to find anything as cute
as the lapel pin Lily got, however. Since business is good the always on
duty shop owner Fenmore had no qualms about chasing off a potential sale by
suggesting Devon whip up something special for his matron. Devon first
thought a batch of Christmas cookies might fill mother Dru's sweet tooth
cavity but went for something on a more personal level.
A poem!
Attention Hallmark writers. Your jobs are not danger.
In the short time it took to get back to the Winters' wooden box, a time
span so miniscule Dru was still whimpering how bad she is before nodding off
and Lily had returned from the store with her gift, Devon had, apparently,
stopped by the zoo long enough to scribble a few chimp-inspired words on
paper using his favorite red crayon.
Devon be berry berry pleased to call Dru, Mom. She be the greatest mother.
She drips with love. The entire Winters clan is so adoring. Love Thy
Neighbor is its motto.
Now that a blushing Dru has stopped her bellyaching there is much hate to be
spewed. There's no time for mama's boy, loser that he is, to waste. Devon
must go on the warpath. He must hurl more accusations. Daniel Romalotti is a
loser.
"I don't get why you keep worrying about a loser like that," Devon snarled
on Tuesday when Lily said she's not so sure Romalotti's "drinking and
driving" caused Cassie's latest predicament.
And oh my, but if Uncle Malfunction Winters wasn't up on the latest news
too. Stopping by the box to let everyone know Daniel had been arrested and
"God forbid" if Cassie doesn't make it the boy will be in a world of hurt.
"I'm happy to hear they'll be putting that guy in jail where he belongs,"
Devon sneered, as if he's the newest poster boy for flag-waving
righteousness. As if Devon wasn't so bad the State of Wisconsin wanted him
medicated and locked in a level-12 group home no so long ago.
The patriotism foaming from his foul mouth like a homophobic Mayor caught in
the act of having sex with young boys, Devon added, "I don't understand what
you see in that creep."
Lily blamed Devon's raving on jealously. Daniel grew up with a "rich and
famous" rock star, traveled around Europe with a man who kidnapped him as a
baby, illegally took him out of the country, out of his biological mother's
arms and pretended to be his father. Naturally, Devon has good reason to be
uppity. He never got to suck on the gold spoon.
Told by her mother to stay away from Daniel, to stay home and work on
another "special" school project which is you know, so weird considering
that school should be closing down the for Summer and most kids recently had
mid-terms, Lily took off on a quest. She must let Daniel know that not
everyone thinks of him as a Kevin Fisher.
"Where oh where might Daniel be?" Lily may have thought. Let's see. Uncle
Malfunction just said he'd been arrested so Daniel must be at the Newman
ponderosa.
Without wheels of her own, without calling ahead, with no public bus service
to the ponderosa (ask Kevin) which is a one-hour drive each way from the
city, Lily made her way past Newman security forces without question and
knocked on Phyllis' door.
Was Daniel home?
"What are you doing here?" Phyllis asked, before telling Lily that Daniel
had just been released from jail and as such she allowed him to stay in town
while she went home to pack her bags. Had Lily bothered to stop by the
Jitter Joint she might have found him there and saved herself the long trip.
After questioning the Bug's legal ability to get Daniel out of trouble,
after giving her approval to Phyllis and Daniel moving into the Abbott Hotel
since there are plenty of people there to provide Daniel the support he
needs, Lily was on her way back to the city presumably in a taxi. The round
trip fare, $100.
Expensive toys, money to burn, the best parents, school only when they feel
like attending and the ability to travel long distances without a car these
kids should stop bitching. They should stop being so down and depressed and
hateful all the time. Anger is not good. It strips years off life.
Constricts the blood vessels, attacks the heart and causes balding.
So, what's the solution? There doesn't appear to be one. It's a long way out
of the dark, dank woods. The apathy is well protected, its intellectual
ignorance secure and fears well fed and perpetually reinforced by parents
sending the message to their kids that it's okay to hate so long as you love
your mother on those special days. Sit right down. Write a message of love.
Unleash that hate. It's all the rage in Genoa City.
Welcome to Incest Heaven
April 14,
2005
He may not have wanted to become a loser but that's exactly what Devon
Hamilton became the day the troubled teen inadvertently hooked up with the
Winters clan.
When Devon first met the deranged daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Neil Winters the
GCN reported then it was only a matter of time until he developed a severe
case of lust for the slightly younger Lily Winters. Devon's subsequent
adoption by the Winters and move into their cramped wooden box sealed his
fate.
Sure enough Devon can't stand watching his new sister suck around that "bad
seed" Daniel Romalotti. Lurking from afar Devon's skin crawls as Lily hold
hands with and strings the white boy along a train of thought that they are
dating when the reality is Daniel's only interest in Lily began in earnest
during a recent sorting of Hallmark greeting cards and paternity papers.
His blood pressing near the boiling point Devon was at the Newman Jitter
Joint this week when the Oreo-eating Sierra NoLastName strolled in. Thinking
Devon wanted to help her munch away another bag, or maybe borrow her digital
camera or some money, Sierra was surprised Devon wanted help with his
homework. Of all the subjects he's failing as a result of skipping school,
running away and getting trapped in lion's den at the zoo yet finding time
to read a book and write a report on it, the subject Devon most needs help
with is math.
"I don't want to be a loser," Devon snorted.
As Sierra said she'd be happy to help and assured him "you're not a loser"
she noticed Devon looking in the direction of Daniel and Lily. Picking up
the freaky vibes, Sierra suggested they start working on math and just as
Daniel raced off she put two and two together.
"Something is wrong!" Sierra yelped at Devon, as they both ran over to check
on Lily.
Had Lily's Tampon fallen on the floor? Had Daniel's raging boner scared the
living daylights out of her? What was wrong? Lily, of course, didn't want to
talk about it. She did want Devon to walk her home, however, instantly
casting any concern of Devon's poor grades and the need to study with Sierra
aside.
Given that Daniel is a grease ball, has only Kevin Fisher as a friend, it's
understandable Devon wouldn't want Lily dating such a clod when there are
probably many other, better looking, intelligent boys Lily's age around if
she'd only look. So it might be that Devon's concern for his sister is
strictly paternal.
Until the Winters History book is opened that is. Then it becomes abundantly
clear. Incest among the clan is hereditary. Having sex with ones brother or
sister runs in this family. What else can explain why one day Olivia Winters' son,
Nate, was calling Malcolm Winters his Uncle and the next day "Dad",
or why Lily doesn't know that her Uncle is really her Pa?
Where else can a girl's cousin become her half-sister overnight? Only in
Genoa City. A town filled with people so sleazy as to be desirous of sex
with members of their own family.
So
welcome to Incest Heaven, Devon. You're gonna fit right in.
You've
Got a Family
March 15,
2005
If the week wasn't a short one in Genoa City this report might never have
been written. The space it takes could be put to better use like, maybe a
report on who got the job of harvesting Malfunction Winters' corn rows. Now
that he's Lily's Pa the clean cut parental look is in.
That said let's look again as Devon Hamilton, the troubled teen taken in
like a lost puppy by the Winters clan, can't keep his stories straight.
Whining one day nobody wants him, slobbering the next how great it is being
part of the family, running away when something doesn't go his way,
reassured he's wanted and then running away when the clan forgets his
birthday because he didn't tell them and they didn't look at his adoption
papers when they signed them, Devon is back this week on the happy side of
life.
How sweet it is. The clan threw Devon a belated party to which not a single
person outside the clan Devon knows was invited. A party at which white boy
Daniel Romalotti was invited despite the fact Mrs. Winters didn't approve of
Romalotti hanging around with her daughter because Lily Winters only knows
the long hair from the occasional times she's seen him at the Newman Jitter
Joint.
None of Devon's pals from the many group homes he's been in was invited nor
was his one pal, Jamal, from the Newman Wreck Center.
So how does Devon feel about this? He didn't notice! He did take note of the
rudeness when everybody left the party without offering to clean up,
however. But according to Lily rushing off to the JJ was perfectly okay
given that since Devon is back her mother will undoubtedly be kissing his
ass for a good month just to keep him from going on the run again.
Officially a part of the pitchfork-wielding teens sitting around slurping on
$5 lattes and apparently not aware as to why he was invited, Daniel asked
what Mr. Winters had said to make Devon the life of the party. Could it have
been Devon's birthday - or something?
Devon delivered one of his standard mind numbing replies. When a guy
"almost" gets eaten by a lion then "almost" run over by his own car and a
"couple of weeks" later is throwing you a party you know you're in a family.
Lily and Daniel burst out laughing.
Not because Devon's statement was such a pile of poop, not because Neil
Winters was never in danger of being eaten by a lion, not because Neil
wasn't "run over" and not because it was but a couple of days later
following the car bumping that left Neil in the hospital, but because they
thought all the irony so funny.
Yeah, that Neil is one "cool" dude, Devon surmised to which Lily agreed
"he's such a great guy" adding she's glad her, um, "dad" got it through
Devon's thick head that he's a part of the clan.
Since they were passing out accolades Devon quipped that Dru Winters is
"pretty neat" too, but when Lily sneered "I guess", Devon got serious. Was
something going on between Lily and her mother?
Do bears crap in the woods? Did all that sugar-laden ice cream and cake eat
what's left of Devon's brain? How many times did Lily tell him something was
going on with her mother and her uncle and that she wanted him to help her
get to the bottom of it?
It doesn't really matter. Why? Because Daniel stopped sucking his latte long
enough to tell Lily that should she ever want to talk about whatever,
"you've got friends."
Adding to the insult to our collective intelligence Devon quipped again. Not
only does Lily have friends, she's got a family too! No, really. Devon
actually said, "you've got family too."
And in the event anyone needed to know how Devon's managed to get reinstated
after being expelled/suspended from school a number of times, it was
reported that his probation officer, Lorena Davis, simply called the school
and fixed it with the Principal. Now, Devon has a book report due.
A book report? In high school? Okay, we'll bite. Devon does not attend
Walnut Grove Academy so maybe his school still dishes out 6th grade reading
assignments. The question is: When has Devon had time to read a book? When
has he ever read anything besides the birthday card from his dead
grandmother or a Jitter Joint menu? And where is this book Devon claims to
be reading? He left it at school!
So there you go. No reason to go on with this report. Clearly, Devon and
Lily and Daniel are the new Charlie's Angels and really, isn't that all that
matters? Who cares about the impossibilities, the inconsistency? Why examine
causes? Why try to figure out the reasons behind Devon's stupid statements?
Simply bomb the implausible into submission, and then pretend it's not still
right there, simmering just underneath, even nastier and more fanged than
before and just aching to manifest itself in some other form. Ain't that the
Genoa City way? You're damn right it is.
Drugs
be Very, Very Good for You!
March 10,
2005
Oh God, you have to laugh because if you don't you'll cry at the utter lack
of creativity. You'll bawl like a baby when you find out that while checking
this week for Devon Hamilton's dirty laundry Mrs. Dru Winters found the
adopted puppy's drawers empty and his belongings tucked neatly into a duffle
bag which the insecure kid has been using as a sleeping bag.
You'll howl when Dru runs to tell her husband she's still worried about the
puppy and Neil Winters says, well, maybe the boy was pretending to be
camping out under the stars or some such nonsense. You'll smash a brick into
your head when Dru says again that Devon's been acting strange because she
forgot his birthday and knew all along she would never forget her biological
daughter's birthday not that it matters Devon never told anyone when his
birthday is.
You'll roll on the floor when Neil says he thought Devon went to school
Thursday morning yet nobody saw him leave the wooden box or noticed he
hasn't been playing basketball in the street or cribbage in the parlor
before and after each meal. You'll try not to remember that this clan made
such a fuss about the family that prays together stays together and never
misses an opportunity to gather at the table for breakfast and etiquette
lessons.
Devon shouldn't really be blamed for acting so weird given the Winters
didn't seem to have noticed he wasn't around for Neil's grand homecoming or
that he was expelled from school yet somehow got reinstated even though the
last time Devon skipped school he was told it would mean expulsion.
Maybe it's the stuff Devon eats that makes him act like such a goddamn
spoiled baby. Maybe he needs to be on Ritalin like half the American school
kids in this country. Maybe Devon's upset that the future doesn't hold much.
If he ever graduates, or gets a GED, or otherwise holds down a job, the
retirement age will have been raised to 80 way in excess of Devon's life
expectancy. Who wants to work a quarter of their lives for the government
with no hope of enjoying those golden years when they can play now and pay
later?
Maybe it was a coincidence that parole/probation officer/adoption agency
representative Lorena Davis just happened to bump into Devon at the Newman
Jitter Joint and noticing no other school kids were loitering about asked
what he was doing out of school.
Thinking that Davis is perhaps as dumb as the other parents in this city who
easily buy into the lie that schools here are having another of their many
"free days" or "teacher's work day" or just closed because students failed
to show up, Devon's sad excuse that the day must have been one of 'dem
president's days" didn't fly. Davis said she could check. She could also
check on Devon's home life. How were things since the last time he'd run
off? Not so hot?
"Gosh, Devon. Do you think I should have checked out the Winters family a
little more thoroughly before I tossed you into a home that obviously has
you wigged out? Do you think the Winters are dysfunctional? A bad influence?
Is there some reason you aren't happy there?" Davis did not ask because she
could give a rip.
Any other poor, unwanted child would jump at the chance to live with rich
people. Other kids would be thanking their lucky stars to get expensive
pairs of Nikes for Christmas, fancy clothes to wear, three squares a day,
albeit the most toxic food humans can eat.
Know what's wrong with Devon besides the obvious? Know what will make him
right?
Medication!
That's right! America's answer to every problem. Take a freaking pill! Keep
the Pharmas rolling in dough. What, no doctor to ask for some of those
purple pills seen on TV? Those medicated skittles floating through the sky
while the voiceover warns of endless side effects including but not limited
to death? Aren't the Winters rich? Have them get you a therapist, Devon.
Better yet, have your new relative write a script for something without even
seeing you. Doctor Olivia Winters does it all the time. Gave her own sister
some nice cold medication which made her so loopy she had sex with her
brother-in-law.
Hell, if Dr. Winters can't see you wait here long enough and Mac Browning
will come along, call her rich granny and you'll get in to see Dr. Feel Good
on an emergency basis.
What say you, Devon? No, no. Ms. Davis knows you're not a "nut case" but
don't you know "pills are meant to help you?" this hack actually said before
sending Devon back to school with a warning not to skip again as if the
school wouldn't notice that he'd skipped at all.
Sure, Devon is being misled down the road to doom by people like Davis with
their skewed views of just about everything, but Devon's feel sorry for me
crap wore out its unwelcome stay long ago. Time to either put up, or shut
up. If Devon doesn't like living with the clan he should say so and get the
hell out. Stop the incessant why is everybody always picking on me attitude.
It's unbecoming a teenager who's been given every break in the book.
Why or why wouldn't the Winters clan wait until the zoo keeper or someone
experienced with wild animal training arrive so that off his leash puppy
Devon Hamilton could be rescued from the Genoa City Zoo? Because, silly. The
thirty minutes it would take would be far too long. Better that Malfunction
Winters go into the lion's den and thus put not one, but two sub-humans at
risk.
Better for zoo security to say they couldn't allow Malfunction to get in
harm's way and for Malfunction to summarily reject such notion for the sake
of "family" while growling for the pesky guards to get out of his way.
Better for Malfunction to see that once he'd gone into the den he'd need the
help of his brother and for Neil Winters to enter the pit thus putting three
sub-humans in danger.
How fortunate that the lion ready to eat the puppy alive would wander off
for a moment as if to say, Jesus, I'd rather eat the slop they feed us here
than that putrid smelling human. How lucky for the puppy that Dru and Lily
Winters were there to coax him out of the hell pit and rather than say how
he'd seen his miserable life flashing before his eyes Devon would assume
he'd be sent to his room without dinner and no TV once they were all safe
and sound.
How predicable that when Devon said, "I guess I'm in real trouble now," Dru
told the puppy not to be silly. Saving persistent always in trouble adopted
puppies was all in a day's work.
How convoluted that when a guard shook Malfunction's hand and said what a
great job he did, Malfunction would say he only did what needed doing so as
to "take care of my family."
How moronic that Neil Winters would tell his brother, "You saved our son,"
as if the sputtering "I'll never forget this" Dru had labored 12 hours
giving birth to the ingrate. How freaking pathetic that Dru would tell
Malfunction what a hero he was for risking his life "without even being
asked" and for Malfunction to reply, "He's family".
How utterly stupid that the adults would allow fumble-fingers does she even
have a license Lily Winters to get behind the wheel of their SUV and not
notice as the gas-guzzler plowed into Neil until it was too late.
How not surprised anyone will be that in the coming daze both Lily and Devon
will blame themselves over and over as Neil clings to life.
Say it again - with feeling this time. Enough with the useless and
simpleminded, good versus evil dualities. Enough with the I'm sorry I ran
away again and only caused more pain and suffering. Enough with the
ignorance that only polarize and demean and reduce the gorgeous messy
complexities of the Winters clan into childlike simplicities that contain no
spirit or soul. Enough with the I had to do it for family jingoism when once
the current crisis has passed Dru will be back at her wicked best blaming
Malfunction - or someone - anyone but the one truly to blame - for her
indiscretions. Enough with the patriotic you saved our son mewing when if
the looming DNA test proves Malfunction sired his daughter Neil will ratchet
up the hated for his brother.
Enough with the ongoing atrocities that like a cancerous colon cannot ever
be completely emptied.
Zoo
Parade Part 2
Run Through the Jungle
February 7,
2005
by Brent Kellogg
Okay, forget the possibility that Malfunction Winters and his brother might
drop their job duties and zoom off to Chicago or some other godforsaken city
- if there is one more forsaken than Genoa City - to rescue Devon Hamilton
from a fate worse than death. Forget that such a scenario if played out
correctly could have been semi-dramatic.
It won't happen. There won't be the saving of Hamilton from a gang of drug
dealers or pimps or the return of Hamilton to Genoa City without facing
charges for any laws he may have broken along the way. Nor will there,
apparently, be any expulsion from school for the Winters adopted puppy as
undoubtedly someone with influence and power would merely call the school to
threaten withholding donations to the PTA or something equally convoluted
much like Mac Browning having called her granny to pull some strings so that
Kevin Fisher could get an emergency head shrinking - for free - of course.
Before getting to the ennui and sadness and latte-fueled fatalism let's set
the scene. Forget that Devon already went to the zoo during normal operating
hours because it reminded him of his dead granny and how she never ever
forgot his birthday like those bastards, the Winters, did. Forget that Devon
said he didn't care if he got kicked out of school if such kicking would get
the Winters off his back as if that would actually happen and that he
subsequently ran off again.
Flash to a frantic Dru Winters. She's calling everyone. Have they seen the
puppy? He's off his leash. What will they do? Shouldn't they have known that
a kid like Devon out on the streets would soon find trouble? Shouldn't
Malfunction have been on the lookout for Devon to come crawling into the
Newman Jitter Joint to drown his sorrows in expensive lattes? No,
Malfunction wouldn't know this because, according to Mrs. Winters,
he doesn't know what it's like being a parent. It's not like
Malfunction ever once played Daddy to the out of sight, out of mind Nate
Hastings rotting in a British boarding school.
And so what if Devon skipped school, Malfunction wonders. All kids do it
from time to time. Especially in Genoa City. Or, when they don't want to be
regarded as truants,
kids in this freak town say class for the day was cancelled. Give Devon some
space and he'll come to his senses - until the next time something doesn't
go his way.
Flash to Lily Winters. Responding to her mother's page she comes barreling
into the Jitter Joint. Is something wrong? Devon is missing? Gasp! Well,
let's see. The Oreo-eating Sierra NoLastName saw him last so let's summon
her. In rolls Sierra. No. Burp. Fart. She hasn't seen Devon. You wouldn't
lie to us, would you Sierra? Didn't you tell Lily just hours ago that Devon
might have gone to the zoo? What? Your big lips are sealed? Look, it's not
like you're Devon's lawyer or doctor or shrink and by telling us what you
know you'd be violating any confidentiality. We're dealing with a serious
problem here. Did you, or did you not, see Devon?
Well, burp. Fart. Yes. I did. But if you already know that why aren't you at
the zoo? Why are you jerking my chain?
Suddenly Mrs. Winters' drug of choice kicks in. Damn! It's Devon's birthday.
How could they have forgotten? No wonder the kid took off. He's been out of
sorts. Jesus with a tipple-layer yellow cake. Wouldn't you do strange things
too if your adopted family forgot your birthday? Oh Christ! We've got to
find the boy. But, snort, snort. Where do we begin?
Where are those people who would kick us in the head if they could and say,
"You freaks! Didn't you just hear what Sierra said? Didn't you get the clue?
Devon is at the stinking zoo! So Sierra says it again. He's at the zoo. Mrs.
Winters snorts again. Why would you say that? Because, silly. That's how it
was written. Says right there on the cue card. Granny Hamilton used to take
Devon to the zoo on his birthday. Don't all teenagers go with their grannies
to the zoo on their birthdays?
Before anyone can say this is not the time to be all shrugging and
dismissive and think whelp, that's it then, nothing we can really do
anymore, just sit back and watch the carnage, Malfunction chimes in to say
it's dark out. The zoo is closed. Stupefied, Mrs. Winters refrains from
singing I've got a lovely box of coconuts and says to hell with the
darkness. Let's roll! Malfunction looks at the clock. His shift as JJ
manager is not over. But what the hell, can the previous manager before he
was hired so as to give him some purpose for being in Genoa City handle the
evening rush? Great! Now Malfunction can join the search team too.
Meanwhile at the Genoa City Zoo, Devon is appropriately hanging out near the
chimp cage thinking about granny. How he misses her so. She never forgot his
birthday like the Winters did. Bastards. Before she died Granny was the only
person to care about him. Not like the Winters. Those bastards. Now, Devon
is all alone. Nobody cares, Feel sorry for me. Sob, sob.
Oops! There's a guard. He's spotted Devon. Run, Devon. Run as fast as your
spindly legs will carry you. Past the camels and the hippos. Past the...
no... wait. Stop by to say high to the gorillas. Now hide behind a rock as
the guard calls out to give yourself up. Okay, the coast is clear. Run
again! Go around that fence. Stop. Now turn around. Boo! Imagine that,
Devon? You have managed to get into the lion's den and there's a big old
Lion King looking to have you for a midnight snack. How did you do this,
Devon? How did you get in with the lions and tigers when they couldn't get
out?
Gosh, will Devon have to be rescued by the lion tamers? Professional animal
handlers? Hell no! Not in Genoa City. Not when there's Malfunction and Neil
Winters to save the day. Already GCN reporters are placing their bets.
They're betting that Malfunction will sweet-talk the lions into not taking a
chunk or two out of Devon. They're betting Malfunction will say he learned
how to do this during those years spent in the African jungle.
This is the message being sent to kids everywhere. Upset? Something not
going your way? Not getting what you want? Not enough attention been paid to
your every need? Run away! And when Devon is out of harms way there will be
much hand wringing and scolding. How could Devon be so stupid? Promise never
to do it again? Okay then, let's all go home for ice cream and cake.
Pity
Party Pooper Turns 17
February 1,
2005
by Brent Kellogg
And then, even though you swear you're not really paying attention because
you're much much smarter and funkier than this and you have far, far better
things to do, like cleaning the dryer lint screen, you can't help but wonder
why a teenager would get so uptight because his adopted family forgot that
all important day, the one that really stopped having meaning after the
thirteenth, a seventeenth birthday.
Even as you swear you don't really care in the slightest because you really
really despise spoiled brats who were this close to going to a level-12
group home and cannot be grateful regardless that they got expensive Nikes
for Christmas, you are all a-twitter. If only you could slap Devon Hamilton
a few times, bend him over your knee and give him a good spanking. Oh, how
good it would feel.
Because, you see, Tuesday was Devon's birthday. And nobody remembered. Well,
not anyone who matters that is. After all they went through to adopt the boy
it seemed even the Winters clan forgot. In all the excitement Dru and Neil
and Lily Winters apparently failed to enter the important date into their
Palm Pilots and laptops.
So when February 1 rolled around and there was this massive cooking of ham
and eggs at the Winters home, Devon thought sure it was to celebrate his
special day given they hadn't gathered together for a family meal since way
back when Neil and he would shoot hoops before breakfast and Dru and Lily
gave him lessons on how to eat properly. At the table Devon did his best to
drop hints about it being "a special day" but the clan thought he was
talking about Dru's special day. It was her first as Newman Enterprises new
leader in charge of the entire Cosmetics Division and she was so nervous.
The boss had called a special meeting and since she hadn't been at the
office on matters pertaining to the business in about a month Dru feared the
worst.
Devon acted like at any moment they'd all start laughing, yell "surprise"
and then fill his arms up with expensive presents but it wasn't to be so off
he went. Not to school as one might expect, but to the local coffee shop by
day, club for all ages by night, Newman Jitter Joint.
Sitting alone on the shop's patio which looks more like an office Devon
whipped something out of his pocket. It wasn't a Bible wherein he'd marked
some passages so as to remind him how freaking lucky he is to have people
who care about him or a text book so he might at least give the appearance
of being scholarly.
No, it was a birthday card!
Not an ordinary card. Not one his new family or friends had given him since
they didn't know it was Devon's birthday, but rather a card from his very
dead grandmother.
As Devon was starting to feel a bit warm and cuddly who should blow in but
Sierra NoLastName. The Oreo-eating teen and high school classmate asked how
the "birthday boy" was doing and how great must it feel to be seventeen.
Amazingly Devon did not ask how it came to be that of all the people who'd
forgotten Sierra knew it was his special day? Noticing the card she asked
what special meaning it held and was told that Granny Hamilton had given it
to him the same year she kicked the bucket. What was so fascinating to
Sierra was that Devon had held onto the card "all these years" when most
people chuck such things. Gosh, could it be Devon and his granny were close?
As a matter of fact they were. Granny was the only person in Devon's sad,
pathetic afterbirth who gave a rip about him. Not like those bastard
Winters. They don't even know Devon is alive. Speaking of which, Devon
wonders: what might it be like had granny lived? Would she be showering him
with gifts? Buying him Nikes? Expensive digital cameras? Boy, those were the
days. Granny would take him to the zoo on his birthday. They'd sit in front
of the monkey cage eating ham sandwiches then later watch the seals. Yum.
Nothing like seal watching. Why, granny said seals are the "happiest looking
animals at the zoo" as if any caged animal could be happy.
Her curiosity piqued, Sierra wondered what this special birthday held in
store. Would Devon be going to Genoa City's zoo, or was he already in it
given that pack of gorillas he lives with? His chin dragging on the floor
Devon muttered that Sierra was looking at the sum total. Just another damn nobody cares
about me day, sob, sob.
Sierra was aghast. How could the sad sack not see the potential? Didn't he
know that at age seventeen and as the newest Winters clan member this day
demanded he "start a new tradition?" C'mon, Devon. Get with it. Jump for
joy! Click your heals! Birthday's are for celebrating!
So low now he nearly stepped on his bottom lip, Devon was too bummed out.
The clan doesn't know it's his special day or if they do they're doing a
good job hiding it. Doing their best to make him feel unwanted. Doing all in
their power to make him run away again. Yeah, run. Bet that'll teach them to
forget his birthday which by his own admission isn't really important since
it's the day he turns 18 is the day he can tell them all to kiss his ass.
Completely spiritless, dejected, rejected, I'm gonna hold my breath until I
turn blue and with a look of why's everybody picking on me covering his
face, Devon was about to head for school when Sierra reached into her bag of
Oreos and pulled out a present!
For me?
That's when you swore you're never going to watch such ungrateful antics
again, just like you said last week. No matter how much that poor boy has to
be thankful for you cannot stand the soul-numbing feeling sorry for himself
Devon wallowing in self-pity just because nobody remembered his birthday
because he was too stupid to remind them.
This is what it is all about, though of course it pretends to be about
something else. This is when Genoa City is at its perky ass-slapping dumbed-down
finest. What's better for Devon than a birthday party? Another pity party!
