Gitta Hendrickson - Top News 2005
See also: Gloria Abbott

Clouds of Doom

June 1, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

The GCN tried covering Nightmare on Elm Street #666. We tried making some sense out of Kevin Fisher touching Gitta Hendrickson's omelette to dispel the notion stones can ward off the evil spirits roaming around the Abbott Hotel. You know the ones. Those astonishing gems that manage to break through your thick wall of bitter boredom and slip through your bullcrap filter like those last seen at Kevin Costner's New England home.

The puffs of white smoke in the form of Lean Cuisine women conjuring themselves out of the walls and floating around like ominous clouds of doom. The garbled voices saying something unintelligible about an auto accident and if only the dearly departed hadn't been in the car humankind wouldn't have been so utterly savagely doomed even though it probably is.

Sound familiar? Sound like something you'd see in Aliens 3? Sound like what Gloria Fisher has in store for Gitta because the illegal alien "wormed" her way into Gloria's house, is "prancing around" in skimpy outfits and after Gloria's geriatric husband?

Never mind that Gitta didn't worm her way into the Abbott Hotel. Never mind that Ashley Carlton hired Gitta to care for the just-had-hip-replacement-but-getting-around-just-fine-without-a-walker John 'Yawn' Abbott. Forget that Gloria is not 100% back in Yawn's good graces and the hotel no way in hell resembles anything Gloria's owns.

Gloria needs a way to compete. Compared to Gitta she's a fat pig. She said as much this week when she told Kevin to check out Gitta's hot body. Going on a diet, spending more time using her free membership at the Athletic Supporter Club, or trying to be, you know, herself, is not an option. Physical appearance is all that matters to an old geezer like Yawn. The old fart doesn't want an intellectual woman at his side or someone with a brain. Yawn wants a babe.

This is the latest redefined storytelling. Win the Emmy for best horror story. Make DreamWorks shuffle its feet and look down at its shoes and mutter something about how sorry it was that Nightmare on Elm Street couldn't come anywhere near the level of epic artistry as Gloria's plot to "spook" Gitta out of the Abbott Hotel.

One hot babe in need of a green card. One stunning adventure. No simplistic good vs. evil plot line (sorry Cameron). Breathtaking magic and fantasy. Kevin and Gloria putting on their best acting abilities. Mom is "freaking" Kevin out. She's hearing strange voices in the hotel. In the kitchen, god, they're everywhere. Gloria knows "it sounds crazy" but she heard something. Kevin has never seen his mother so "rattled" and as Gloria says she's never been so "scared" gives her a hug like it'll make the voices go away.

Hearing all the talk of voices intrigues Gitta. She wants to know what the voices are saying. Gloria doesn't know. They were whispering in gobbledygook. But Gloria does know, "It sounded like it was coming from another world."

Gitta knows better. She knows Another World is really a much better soap opera. She knows too that it could be the wind talking. Mac Browning knows this too. Mac said the wind spoke to her of an alcoholic granny in need.

In their most acid-tripped brainstorm yet Gloria sends Kevin goes off to get something off the Internet that will really scare the bejesus out of Gitta. Kevin must hurry for time is running out. While she waits Gloria asks again. Did Gitta hear anything? Did Gitta not say she hadn't and wondered what the voices were saying?

Clutching her omelette and speaking in a foreign tongue Gloria is saying strange things happen in this world when truth wills out. Using his cellphone Kevin calls Gloria's cellphone to say he got whatever (a CD) and he'll be right over. He'll call again to make sure nobody is around. Will Gitta wait? Will she be very afraid?

After all, this is not some dumbed-down feel-good My Little Pony story. This ain't Nikki Newman having bad nightmares about killing some five-year-old 45+ years ago and only just remembering. This ain't Sharon Newman thinking she killed Cameron Kirsten or lots of goofy spastic talking animals.

This is Monsters, Incorporated as blasted through a twisted kaleidoscope. This is Alice in Wonderland with better acid, scary and strange, with spirits and all sorts of wondrous sacrilegious magic the likes of which makes the now being sung to by angels Cassie Newman shudder and faint.

And oh dear God, how necessary and invaluable this is right now.

Look. All signs point to the fact that Gloria and Kevin are facing a dire failure of imagination. They are clinging like blind bats to myths about voices and demons. Anything in the name of fear. Funny, it's not.

Gloria and Kevin must not have heard. Magic and imagination are openly despised as anti-American and unpatriotic. Pointing and waving their hands trying to get attention will only cause people to look down upon them as some sort of evildoers. Quirky, incendiary scare tactics such as Monsters, Inc. can only help us rediscover what skunks Kevin and Gloria can be and root all the more for their victim.

Sex with Dead Bodies

May 26, 2005

Everything is interwoven. Potent mystical secrets are everywhere if you know where to look. Often, just behind the facade of things is a huge hunk of gorgeous convoluted magic. The divine Gitta Hendrickson is right there, winking, sighing heavily, waiting for Kevin Fisher. Like, duh.

Simple truths like this are mapped out in Gloria Abbott's reconciliation with John 'Yawn' Abbott. The old geezer's night out on the town was but a small part of the rather flawed incendiary page-turner designed to give Gloria a reason to get the geezer's sexy physical therapist out of the Abbott Hotel.

It was by no accident then that Gloria spread word around the hotel breakfast table this week: her oldest son is engaged to the widow Lauren Fenmore. It was no surprise that members of the Abbott family gagged and nearly tossed their breakfast and maybe wanted to say in unison whatever did Michael Baldwin do to deserve a fate worse than death? Why would any man Michael's age, with his good looks and money, pick an old slut for a bride? Why would any man be satisfied with his law partner's former husband's throwaways? Talk about sloppy seconds. Lauren comes in at #99 on the Lodge Restaurant & Brothel hit parade of old hags least likely to be taken for a ride on one of its many upstairs vibrating beds.

It's not complicated. Lauren has slept with just about every man Genoa City has to offer. Paul Williams, Brad Carlton and most of all the very dead Dr. Scott Grainger with whom she raised a baby she wasn't sure was Scott's and eventually ditched probably somewhere in Los Angeles very near to Izzy Brana Williams' parents.

Biting their tongues the Abbott's remained silent. They did not jump for joy. Except that later Yawn told Gloria how sorry he was. Who was he to speak ill of the devil? Who is Yawn to deny every mother's dream to have their child meet someone to start a new life with?

"Your son has picked a very special woman in Lauren Fenmore," Yawn said requesting too that Gloria send Baldwin his best wishes. Glad tidings from a kind and caring gentle man. The same gentleman who only weeks ago couldn't stand the Newman family was again saying what hell the Newmans must be going through what with precious Cassie Newman clinging to life.

And despite that news of Cassie's accident was in all the newspapers, was on TV and Radio moments after it happened, news of Cassie's demise had yet to reach the Abbott Hotel.

Blaming herself for not being a better mother when her kids were young, Gloria flicked off her enabling of a small boy locked in the closet as a mere lapse in judgment. What matters now is that she's here for Kevin - and Michael. Thus Gloria sees the world with new eyes.

Now that Kevin has tinkered with Gitta's omelette and maybe sucked up all its protective properties, Gitta's hope of marrying Yawn, her hope that she'll be able to get a green card and no visits from INS please, are gone.

Make no mistake, this is not a bad thing. It's a good thing there won't be any steamy sex scenes of an old man getting it on with a woman young enough to be his daughter. There won't be any scenes of a frustrated Gitta pawing at Yawn's crotch wondering why he can't get up for the occasion or why the Viagra isn't working.

So let the Abbott marriage proceed. Let Gloria and Yawn set sail on the love boat once she's fulfilled her duties as the Baldwin/Fenmore wedding planner. Enough with the mystical plot lines. Enough with the seeking of deep mythological parallels and please, no little kids wearing white gloves. Gitta needs a green card. And what better way for her to stay in America legally than marrying Yawn?

Marry Kevin!

It's true! This Bad News Bears on crack shift is coming soon. Gitta will turn to Kevin as the man with the plan. Again it's not a bad thing because when you think about it Kevin needs a woman. In all the years he's been in Genoa City Kevin has had sex once. But porking Lily Winters doesn't count because having sex with Lily is like sex with a dead body and who wants sex like that? Daniel Romalotti? Gitta Hendrickson?