2005 News Archives
Gloria Fisher Abbott
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Thank God for Small Favors

November 21, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

I'm confused - again. How is it that Gloria Fisher and Katherine Sterling are such buds? Did I miss something? Does the fact that Katherine and old man John 'Yawn' Abbott are supposed to be old friends give Gloria the right to stop by the Chancellor Mausoleum whenever she's feeling blue? Is that why, without calling ahead, Gloria zoomed over there on Monday when that hag, that sperm-stealing, baby-killing bitch, Ashley Carlton accused her of embezzlement?

We've gone over the silly notion that Gloria could be charged with anything connected with the checking account the old man gave to and funded for her. We've covered how ridiculous it is that Yawn's accountants are responsible for reconciling the account and that he didn't have any idea how much money Gloria was spending on her son's wedding. If Yawn gave her an account with a $50,000 credit line it's his own damn fault. He should have known better than to pay for the wedding when that job is the responsibility of Lauren Fenmore's daddy.

I'll try not to laugh. God knows I did enough of that while writing another report on today's events in Genoa City, but lookie there. Katherine was able to tell from the look on Gloria's in disrepair face she was in trouble. How do they do this? How are people like Katherine able to discern just from looking at someone that they aren't themselves? What a stroke of genius it was that Katherine knew Gloria's problem had something to do with Yawn. How pathetic was it that Gloria had to butter Yawn's character up before saying she's disappointed him again and this time she's sure her marriage is over. Isn't this Nikki Newman's sob story? Isn't it Nikki who goes running to Katherine because Katherine is like the mother Nikki never had and always has good advice on how to deal with her flawed marriage to Victor Newman?

And how about that Katherine sputtering how "confession can be good for the soul"? How amazing was it that the old woman told Gloria to tell Yawn the truth and Gloria said, yeah, you know what, you may be right and then rushed off to do just that, apparently. What a waste of time and gas. For all the time she spent, for the brevity of the conversation, for the lack of questioning on Katherine's part as to exactly what Gloria has done, Gloria would have been better off calling Katherine if, that is, she knew Katherine well enough, which she doesn't.

But let's forget about that for a moment. Let's examine the phone conversation Yawn had with his accountant.

"Your wife is playing fast and loose with your money," the accountant said.

Is this what a bookie at Jabot Cosmetics would say to the owner? Wouldn't a real accountant have been more tactful? "Hello, Mr. Abbott. After going over the account I've found many discrepancies. I suggest you stop by my office at your earliest convenience."

Not in Genoa City. Not where the people are rude and crude. Not where an old man allows his adult children to share his home. Not where said children are filthy rich and can afford homes of their own. Not where Yawn to this day doesn't know that Ashley isn't his biological daughter and she continues keeping the truth from him. No, Yawn must look at the books and whine. He must tell Ashley he can't believe how much Gloria has spent and when Ashley treats him like he's senile, and maybe can't understand what he's seen, asks for her opinion.

And of course, Yawn doesn't wait while Ashley crunches the numbers. Of course his accountant takes a call from Ashley and happily divulges confidential information to someone the accountant has no idea who he's talking to except for Ashley's word which, added to $3, might get him a Jitter Joint latte.

So, when Gloria comes home she finds herself face-to-face with the evil step-daughter she's been praising of late only to have the bitch demand to know why she bailed Tom Fisher out of jail. Instead of telling Ashley it's none of her damn business and asking why she and her fat ass aren't out looking for a place of her own to live and that she's damn tired of having Ashley and that crabby kid of hers underfoot, Gloria got on her knees so that Ashley could better whip her with the fact that a bill from a flower shop is bogus because the shop closed long ago.

Instead of asking how Ashley manages to keep track of such things, Gloria let her sling a charge of embezzlement and say she'd feel sorry for her if only Gloria weren't such a weasel doing her "father" like she does. And Gloria, so out of the loop, so unaware, didn't say, "Listen you rotten sperm thief. Does John know you stole Victor's sperm? Does John know you killed that baby? Does he have any idea how evil you are? Does John know you're not his daughter? Shall I tell him? Would you like that Ashley? No? Than keep your filthy mouth shut and stay the hell out of my face."

Gloria's no angel, but she doesn't deserve Ashley's crap. She's done nothing illegal. That her son made a failed attempt at cooking her checking account is not punishable by law. Before throwing stones, Yawn might want to consider what an IRSA audit of his company would turn up. People in glass houses and all that. So let's cut Gloria some slack. Yawn married her. He knew what he was getting into. He made his own bed. Let him lay in it.

That may be a nice concept and deserving payback for an old fool like Yawn only we know better. History tells us what's ahead. It repeats and repeats and repeats. In the daze ahead Yawn will moan and groan how Gloria betrayed him. He may even threaten to kick Gloria out. Gloria will bawl. She'll run to her sons and Katherine and anyone who'll listen and tell them how life so sucks. Then there'll be a reconciliation when Yawn learns why she did what she done. He'll pop some Viagra and bang Gloria and smear her rubberized body with - butter. They'll move on, but Ashley won't. The bitch will continue squatting and leaving little piles of butt dropping around for Gloria to step in and like the fool she is, Gloria will put up with the smell and say what a fab step-daughter she has. Gloria's back-scratching and toe-sucking will go on as that frantic humming sound coming from Ashley's room drives her batty especially during those times Ashley cries out, "Harder Paul! Harder! Daddy doesn't care. He likes that his married daughter screws other men. Don't you Daddy? Don't you? Whee..."

So don't blame Gloria. Pity her. This Thanksgiving thank God for small favors. Thank Him you aren't Gloria. She's the one living under the same roof with Ashley and that's something no one would wish on their worst enemy.

Moral Bankruptcy

November 1, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Have you ever wondered about Gloria Abbott's checking account? Were you surprised to learn she's spent so much money on her son's wedding and bail for her former husband it'll take a team of accountants to straighten it all out? For a personal account in such disarray it's a wonder she's not overdrawn. That must be one heavy line of credit that bank gave her. Well, the old man.

Yes, drooling in a cup old geezer John 'Yawn' Abbott set the account up for Gloria so she'd stop pestering him for money and, of course, so she'd have plenty of cash to give Tom Fisher when Michael Baldwin got tired of handing Tom money to leave town when Michael finally figured out Tom wasn't leaving.

I, like maybe you, can't understand how this checking account works. I'd like to ask Fred Hodges but the banker is always out when I stop by the Savings & Loan. The tellers tell me he's packing up to leave town, but my guess is he's watching girls emulate sex at the local strip club and I'm not about to go there to watch him getting off on women young enough to be his daughter.

I understand that the rich in Genoa City do things differently. They don't, for example, have joint checking accounts or use Quicken to download their transactions so that they can see where all the money goes. Yawn, unlike your spouse, doesn't inspect the receipts or question Gloria about the $50,000 withdrawals. He doesn't look at the monthly bank statement or have any concern about reconciling because the rich can't be bothered with such trivia. But when Yawn heard - as he did this week - that Gloria ran out of money, he cut her off until his accountants sort out the mess.

Have you ever heard such nonsense? Can you believe Gloria has run up so many bills the phone is, as Gloria's step-daughter said, "ringing off the hook" and that Ashley Carlton understands Gloria isn't "a money person"? What is a money person?

What is Gloria's intention to have her bookkeeper son cook the books? What's up with Kevin Fisher's statement that for him to perform some creative bookkeeping would be tantamount to "fraud"? Haven't they been listening? Vendors are holding past due bills! They've got dates and times and copies of receipts. They want their precious money. No amount of cooking is gonna put money into the account sufficient to pay the bills and get Yawn off Gloria's back except, of course, when he's high on Viagra.

Fraud? What the hell is Kevin thinking? Why would he say creating $50,000 worth of receipts for Gloria's expenses would amount to fraud? Moreover, where would he get these receipts? Is there a software program capable of this on his laptop like the one he uses to track people? Would an accountant not think it suspicious to see $5,000 worth of receipts from FTD, the Quickie Mart and Bill's Bakery? Can Kevin say he sold a few thousand dollars worth of lattes to the wedding planners? Better yet, and certain to throw the accountants off, but something Kevin won't think of, would be a $50,000 receipt from Acme Rent-a-Cop. In one fell swoop Kevin could say security was needed at the wedding, but, because he didn't give a 24-hour notice, lost the money when the wedding was postponed. It worked with the florist who required a 72-hour notice.

This ain't Enron. It's just a freaking checking account for which there is no accounting. It should be cut and dry. Either there's money in the account - or not. Good, God. Why do these people persist in making something so simple as a personal checking account sound like Ken Lay's been robbing them blind?

Context. Perspective. Do you need some? The freaks of Genoa City have found yet another phenomenon - accountability. They can have expensive medical procedures, pop in and out of the hospital like it was a Jiffy Lube, purchase the finest Fenmore fashions, toxic cosmetics, jewelry, hire lawyers to defend them against the crime of the month, take time off from their fancy jobs to track down troubled kids, ditch their SUVs along the side of the road, have On Star installed in their Buicks, pay to have the hedges clipped and the pools cleaned by knave, bare-chested hunks, take trips to the Greek Isles, hire an army of security guards, let their kids take $50 taxi rides to school and never worry about seeing or paying the bills.

But let a woman run wild with a checking account and all hell breaks loose.

Turning up the Sleaze

June 13, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Before Gloria Fisher got on her there's-a-spook-in-the-Abbott Hotel jag I felt somewhat sorry for her. I wanted old man John 'Yawn' Abbott to take his wife back and live happily ever after and truly slobber all over Gloria's kid for saving his useless life. I wanted Gloria to wipe the nose of Yawn's daughter in the morality snot Ashley Carlton picks at and wipes under the kitchen table and maybe say, "Don't talk to me about morals. Don't accuse me of being a whore when you, a married woman, are out sucking around other men."

But no longer. Not after what Gloria did Monday.

So close to getting back into Yawn's good graces damn but what she slipped a Mickey, probably Viagra, into his drink. Damn but what Yawn will be sporting a boner for about three hours when maybe he didn't want one. How presumptuous of Gloria. Was that an alcoholic beverage Yawn was nursing? Does Gloria not know the danger of mixing drugs and booze? Is she as dumb as Malfunction Winters who encouraged AIDS victim Keesha Monroe to mix pills and alcohol? Has Gloria not heard Viagra causes vision problems in men who take it? Does she not think Yawn won't know what she did when the Viagra starts giving him a massive headache?

Is Gloria really this desperate to have an orgasm? Doesn't she know there is no justifiable evolutionary need for the female orgasm whatsoever, that it really serves no known biological purpose and that it's becoming obsolete? Hasn't Gloria heard? The female orgasm is merely a biological afterthought her ape ancestors used as a primitive urge to make furry ape babies. It has no effect on the movement of sperm not that Yawn has any. So why does Gloria need one?

Let us, um, probe deeper. Maybe Gloria thinks a roll in the hay will make Yawn forgive and forget all the dirty tricks she's pulled on him. After only one moaning and groaning session with her man Yawn will be hooked. He'll beg for more as she lays in bed looking at the ceiling and pondering Gitta Hendrickson's omelette while Yawn sweats and grunts and enjoys 2.3 minutes of primitive gorilla lust.

On the other hand maybe it's best to let Gloria and Yawn have at it. Let them teach the sexually bitter and morally frantic that old people do have sex. The petrified sexless fundamentalists squeezing their testicles and trying to shove Yawn and Gloria types down the black hole of sexual ignorance might stop whining. Then again they'd probably blame Yawn and Gloria for AIDS and the high divorce rate. These are not exactly the most brightest intellects. They live like sad trolls in places like Genoa City and tell others what sex and God and love is supposed to be about despite not having seen their own genitalia since about 1950.

Still, it doesn't excuse Gloria for spiking Yawn's drink. If he wants sex with her, that's one thing. To force him into an erect state is another. If he finds out what she did, and you know it's questionable, Yawn should slap a Magic Wand in Gloria's hand, tell her to knock herself up and then kick her to the curb.

Resolutions for the Damned

April 4, 2005

Now that old man John 'Yawn' Abbott has arbitrarily kicked his bride of 6 months to the curb this is the time. It's time for Gloria Fisher to take Ashley Carlton's advice by trotting down to the nearest attorney's office as fast as her arthritic legs will carry her and have that farce of a marriage annulled. While she's ridding herself of the Abbott stigma Gloria might also want to look into whether there's anything to be gained monetarily to show that old bastard he can't end marriages just because he doesn't like his wife's children. Gloria didn't hold those creepy Abbott kids against Yawn so he shouldn't have done it to her.

If there is anything good to have come out of this sudden increase in the 50% divorce rate it's Gloria's attitude. Unlike other women in Genoa City, who go into instant mourning and constant bawling and snot running out their collective nose when their men/lovers dump them, Gloria took her drumming with a grain of salt. She immediately moved her stuff back into son Michael Baldwin's apartment, essentially said that when one door closes another opens, and got right to work on the Spring cleaning.

Good for Gloria! Who needs the friggin' Abbotts anyway? What woman would want to live under the same roof with any of them much less that evil bitch, Ashley and that faggish still lives under daddy's roof, Jack?

Let this be a lesson to all weak women. Men don't make the world go 'round. If Gloria can resolve to stop kissing the divine Abbott ass and stop quivering with unchecked anticipation for fear Yawn might not like that she farts in bed at night other women can too.

Alas, many are dejected. Many of the Nikki Newman and Diane Jenkins types get all depressed and bitter and angry and just a little appalled at the apparent widespread fear-induced ignorance that somehow they just can't go on without a phallic symbol to cling to. Gloria may not realize it but she's better off. It could have been much worse. There are people in this town whose souls have become so infested with rat dung their third eye is brown. Who can forget when Katherine Chancellor drove her husband off a cliff after she got dumped? To this day the old woman can't forgive Jill Abbott and pines for Arthur Hendricks who left her just days after proposing marriage.

The weak women in Genoa City who've been kicked should be thankful they aren't Victor Newman, John or Jack Abbott, Paul Williams or any number of men who toss their women after they've served their purpose. So utterly empty and blank eyed and falsely pious these men are but oozing boils on the ass of life.

Gloria done good. She seems to have resolved to make a fresh start knowing now that Abbott is spiritually comatose. She seems to have resolved to say enough with useless and simpleminded old men with hate-bred ideologies that only polarize and demean.

Gloria may resolve to buy a new Magic Wand Hitachi too. What woman needs a Viagra-induced man when she can sit back with a devious grin waiting to see who the next sucker in Yawn's harem will be and maybe, as a bonus, stick pins into a Ashley doll until Ashley falls into a big vat of breast cancer-causing green goop.

Finally and perhaps most importantly, Gloria should resolve to do all she can to get far away from the Abbotts even as she laughs more vigorously than ever at the dog and pony show of it all, the big joke, realizing that these next weeks in Yawn's life are going to be painful and if only she could give him a good slap on the hip it would make her day.

See? Gloria's future looks bright already.

The Root of all Evil

March 21, 2005

Oh my, it's happening again. Family or no family. Angel or evildoer. Remember when you knew for certain? Remember how it was when you could be reasonably confident that a Newman would protect a Newman? That a Abbott would protect a Abbott? Remember when after their latest crisis the Newmans would huddle and tell each other how they are Newmans and nobody or nothing would ever take them down?

Those were the days.

Because now we just do not know. Now the concept of family is blurred and bizarrely, disastrously interchangeable.

Now it's the Baldwin family. The Fisher family. So twisted. One Baldwin with a brother and a mother named Fisher and an unknown father being saved for some future Albert Miller role. One Fisher with a brother named Baldwin, two parents named Fisher and one evil father. Now it's Michael Baldwin coming forward after all this time to whimper that Gloria and Kevin Fisher are the only family he has and they must discuss what it all means.

What a coincidence that Baldwin's need for bonding came at just the time his evil mother was plotting to steal the million dollar lottery his brother won last week.

Mommy dearest wants to hold the winning ticket for safe keeping when they should be getting their collective ass to lottery headquarters to redeem the ticket before it expires, or, gasp, it gets misplaced or falls into the hands of Phyllis Summers.

But they can't - not yet. What subs for Mrs. Fisher's blood, greed, must first rear its ugly head. The new Mrs. Abbott doesn't want her oldest to know of his good fortune. She hopes Michael will forget Kevin bought the ticket as a pathetic gesture of thanks for saving his in legal trouble ass so many times with money he gave the unemployed, penniless Kevin.

So wanting to do the right thing, so aware that to do otherwise will prove he hasn't changed and who's paying for those visits with the shrink have done no good, Kevin knows that technically the lottery ticket belongs to Michael.

A child of four knows that legally the ticket belongs to Kevin as does Gloria. That's why she tried to get the crazy kid to hand the ticket over. So she can perpetuate her sick ideal. When it comes to money family can go straight to hell.

Share? Did Kevin actually suggest they share the money? Blasphemous! Why, that would be like the rich getting richer. Michael doesn't need the money. He's a fancy lawyer. Draws down a six figure salary. Owns a fancy condominium. A gas-guzzling SUV. Has tons of money stashed in a bank. What would Michael need with more money when Gloria sees Kevin and herself as poor slobs who are in the ruts they're in today thanks in part to Michael's generosity?

So what if Gloria is married to one of the richest men in Genoa City? Doesn't matter. She can't spend a dime without the Abbott kids throwing a fit. And what if her gravy train derails before she can be named in old man Abbott's will? It's not like her own son, a lucky thousandaire after taxes, would give a whit. Hell, don't all kids like nothing more than to ship their insolvent parents off to die in nursing homes?

So what's with Kevin's moral dilemma? Why can't he see as Gloria does that not telling Michael about the money isn't like stealing? That it's simply a case of Indian-giving? It's not like they screw Michael every day.

Just when you want to love Gloria for doing what she can to rub Ashley Carlton's and Jack Abbott's noses in their own stink, just when Michael is saving her sorry ass by keeping her secret safe, Gloria stumbles back into a mode of giving the true meaning of family a bad name. She leaves a sour taste in our mouths of betrayal, a case of the blahs wherein the fight for justice and values is a farce, some sort of mucky in-between, a black hole of corruption and hate and greed.

If Gloria really wants to know peace in this time of confused Genoa City hatemongering, if she really wants to point her crooked finger at Jack and Ashley for not treating her as a member of the family, she's got to turn that pointed finger back at herself.

It must be true what they say: money is the root of all evil.

Eau du Warhead

March 10, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

It wasn't the CEO position, but Gloria Fisher Abbott's appointment late this week as Chairman of the Jabot Cosmetics Board of Directors right hand man, um, woman, is about as close as it gets and may be more powerful.

That a woman with no experience, with no education, with nothing but connections and lots of nepotism could get such a high-level job came as no surprise. When the GCN first picked up the rumor that Founder John 'Yawn' Abbott would soon make a staggering business decision it immediately presumed correctly that Mrs. Abbott would be placed in a position of power so as to enhance and keep the never-ending fight for Jabot alive.

Just days after saving their precious company from the jaws of the evil Newman empire the Abbotts find themselves bogged down in a quagmire. Black sheep of the family Ashley Carlton, so desperately poor she lives under her surrogate father's roof with a child, no, not that child, not Jack Abbott who in passing told his sister this week that their kids, the boy he rarely sees, and the daughter Ashley says pains her so to see spending time with its adopted father, must get together sometime for an "outing" but not anytime soon, launched the in-fighting by accusing John Abbott's wife of being a gold-digger when Gloria Fisher Abbott mentioned the need to be in the old man's will.

To anyone not paying attention the situation would appear to be complicated. It isn't. It's simply Ashley on the rag. Too harsh? Not at all. Ashley never got over being rejected by Victor Newman. After all the trouble she went through to steal the great man's sperm, have his baby and keep the kid a secret, Newman refused to marry her when the truth was forced out.

Now Ashley will pick a fight with anyone she thinks will rollover. She's the typical smirky war-happy skunk oil-drunk ousted Jabot CEO who shrugged off the disdain of pretty much the entire family and humiliated herself on a global scale when she helped run Jabot into the ground.

And Jack better not forget Ashley blasted the living hell out of him for his role in selling Jabot out and threatened to stick him in the back so he might want to think about that before getting in too deep with this wicked fear monger.

Pointing her crooked finger at Gloria, hissing at every opportunity that the woman is a gold-digger, Ashley doesn't want anyone to notice she's got a bogus war to fabricate. People to backbite. Inheritance to gut. Busy, busy.

How funny it was watching Ashley shake her head and squint her eyes in disapproval of Gloria's new job then say she can't understand the old man. Amongst the intermixed stolen sperm-soaked VCR taped confessions and whispering demon-conjuring incantations in Latin to Satan, how else can she explain why Yawn would give his wife a job?

At first Gloria's salary-free job will be to work by the old geezer's side. She'll learn the ropes. After say, a week, she'll be treading on the corporate ladder's highest rung and digging her heels into Ashley's face. If Gloria proves worthy she'll be taking home an impressive paycheck and hopefully, unlike Sharon and Nikki Newman, won't bitch that she never spends quality time with her family.

Can you smell it? This is when all that pro-war-style jingoism starts to reek, its fumes a little venomous and toxic and soul curdling. Or that could just be Ashley's cologne. Eau du Warhead.

Six Feet Under

March 8, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

And here we are once more tied to the painful irony that Gloria Abbott may become the next Amanda Hunnicutt when she joins forces with former spouse Tom 'Terrible' Fisher to get what she wants: money. The only difference this time is that the new Mrs. Abbott will become more like Ralph Hunnicutt who, during his brief stay in Genoa City, thought he'd become rich beyond his wildest dreams by stealing Katherine Sterling's diamond necklace.

All signs pointed in the direction of yet another get rich scheme gone bad this week when Mrs. Abbott was summoned to her son's office for a lecture on being honest and forthright. This from Michael Baldwin of all people who's lucky he still has a license to practice law given the shady deals and illegalities he's been involved in.

Baldwin's first tip for his mother on entering the world of conspiracy was to always close the door. One should never get too confident when conjuring more oozing demons from deep within their bowels. Others have boasted of their plots to overthrow the world only to go down in defeat because someone was lurking just outside the open door.

As for Gloria's plan to be named in her husband's will Baldwin said it was already at risk. Ashley Carlton, the daughter of John 'Yawn' Abbott, who keeps the truth of her paternity from the old geezer, is on the warpath. Carlton, the woman who brags of family values, was at that very moment working on a way to prevent Gloria from inheriting a dime so as to insure there'll be more for the blood-thirsty, money grubbing Abbotts of which Carlton is only half.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. Not that Ashley shouldn't be keeping an evil eye out. Gloria's goal from the start has been to sink her hooks into any man with money. Baldwin knows it, Gloria knows it. Her crazy son, Kevin, knows it. Abbott's son, Jack knows there's something fishy about an old woman showing up out of nowhere and suddenly becoming the newest in a long line of step-mothers with much to profit.

While he seems to despise what his mother is doing Baldwin's message was tactical. Gloria isn't playing the cards right. If she wants to annihilate everything as fast and ruthlessly as possible, simply because the longer such an operation takes and the more obviously pointless it becomes, the more the Abbotts might snap out of it and begin to say, wait, why are we doing this again, Gloria needs to tell the truth.

The truth? Be damned! Nobody in Genoa City ever got anywhere by telling the truth. What would old man Abbott do were he to find out that Baldwin and Kevin Fisher are Gloria's sons? It's not like the whole city knows already about the brothers. It's not like private detective Paul 'Clueless' Williams doesn't know.

How strange that when Ashley told Clueless this week she suspects Gloria is a gold-digger, and when she asked Baldwin for legal help the barrister gave her the bum's rush when she mentioned Gloria's name, Williams didn't make the connection. Not strange at all given Clueless is, well, clueless. No surprise Clueless didn't ask more about Gloria, like what her last name might be or what Ashley knows about the woman or that Ashley might say all she knows is that Gloria's last name is Fisher so that Clueless could maybe say what a coincidence. No surprise that Clueless said he'd keep an eye on Baldwin for Ashley when the person he should be watching or investigating is Gloria. What should Ashley expect from a PI who runs an alarm company on the side?

What should be expected when Gloria says she needs to be named in Yawn's will before, God forbid, something happen to the old fart like, he falls overboard on their next Love Boat cruise? Gloria wants to cut out the part where the old man wanders home one day to say he washed up on a remote island where he fell in love with one of the local natives and now wants a divorce. Gloria needs to be in the will before the ship sets sail.

"What are wills for but to provide for your loved ones after they've gone?" Gloria so aptly put it, as Baldwin sneered she's been watching 'Six Feet Under' too much which is only one of the best shows ever seen on HBO where only those able to afford $70 monthly Comcast bills get to see really well written drama so long as they can handle two gay men, one black and one white, living together.

So what we have here is another dilemma. Will Gloria tell the truth knowing that truth in this city is frowned upon and hated so? Isn't she already legally entitled to half of Yawn's treasure by marriage since there was no prenuptial agreement? Will she and Terrible Tom hasten the old man's death by slowly poisoning Yawn in a diabolical plot which, like all the others not counting Dr. Steven Lassiter, is destined to fail?

The Gold Digging Vulture

February 4, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

It must have been a terrifically odd and slightly disconcerting moment when Abbott Hotel slave Mrs. Martinez heard the soft click click click of taloned feet in the long hotel hallway and sticking her head out of the kitchen and looking down the hall, she saw this vulture.

It was no ordinary vulture. Not the kind Martinez would expect to see in the desert hovering over dead bodies waiting for a meal as vultures naturally do, but a human vulture in the form of one Gloria Fisher Abbott. A vulture too damn lazy to bake her own banana bread, Mrs. Abbott woke up Friday morning and thought how Martinez probably didn't have enough to do what with making breakfast for the adult Abbott children still living under their father's roof. Mrs. Abbott must have thought the green card-carrying spic would enjoy adding 'bake bread' to her list of chores which includes scrubbing the toilets and the showers, making up the sperm-stained beds, shopping, watching Ashley Carlton's baby, tending to Kyle Abbott during those rare times the boy visits his father Jack Abbott and emptying her employer's drooling cup.

Why couldn't Mrs. Abbott ask that house-squatter PainMe Johnson bake the bread? Better yet, why couldn't she have asked PainMe to teach her. Maybe say, you know PainMe, I'd really like to contribute something instead of always taking. I'd like everyone to forget that like Sharon Collins I'm one of those disgusting gold diggers. I'll just sit around like the proverbial old woman in a shoe with not much to do except bask in my good fortune and bake cookies. With a marriage under her bra based on lies, with a man who could croak at any moment and with memberships to all the ritzy clubs, Mrs. Abbott need only bide her time. Soon the will would be read and all that old man Abbott had accumulated throughout life will be hers including the On Star equipped Buick.

But then for Mrs. Abbott to act like a domestic housewife would be asking too much. For her not to treat women like Martinez as something other than sub-human Latino or Mexican trash - who she probably wishes would all go back to where they came and stop stealing American jobs - would be out of character. Bake me some banana bread and do it now. Chop-chop.

Like most women in Genoa City Mrs. Abbott has got to have her nose where the money flows. She needs to keep her finger in the dyke so to speak unless Diane Jenkins is visiting in which case the word becomes taboo. For a woman with so much to gain it would seem Mrs. Abbott would have some decency. Some respect.

It would seem she wouldn't go telling her sons how thrilling it is to hear that her youngest is dating an "heiress". Mac Browning is a lot of things but she's hardly dating Kevin Fisher. And when J.T. Hellstrom gets done smearing the Fisher name over Browning's face the crazed firebug will be lucky to get a whiff of Browning's Maxi-pad much less marry into the Chancellor money of which Mrs. Abbott presumes Browning is a part.

Further, Mrs. Abbott was like a not so bright schoolgirl who thinks privatizing Social Security will mean there will be all this money to fall back on should her digging turn up only fool's gold when she hinted that her oldest son will be marrying into the wealthy Fenmore Department Store empire. The moment that happens she wants Michael Baldwin to give Little Shop of Horrors owner Lauren Fenmore her measurements so she'll be able to get the latest fashion designs - for free.

Pending all the windfalls Mrs. Abbott seeks advice on how best to play in the war between the Abbotts and the Newmans. Should she be on the side of her husband's appalling Paris skunk oil connections or Victor Newman's whorelike corporate favoritism? Told that no good ever comes of war, that war only creates losers and that she should stay out of it, Mrs. Abbott said no. She can't sit peaceably by because Jabot Cosmetics is "my company."

Jesus with a sinking Dow Jones industrial average. Could this woman be any more greedy? She makes Jill Abbott look like a saint. Gloria Abbott is marching straight into a hellish quagmire when all she'd have to do if she's so worried about her financial future and powerbase is ask her husband. "Am I in the will and if so how much do I get when you die?"

But no. Can't do that. Might make her look like the gold digging vulture she is.