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Jill Abbott

Fire in the Hole!

November 3, 2005
by Brent Kellogg 

Here's a short story which, if nothing else, goes to show how the elite in Genoa City lead their lives of quiet desperation. So sad that Brittany Marsino and her infant child have departed the Chancellor Mausoleum, Jill Abbott couldn't help but notice how quiet it was without a whining bitch and a bawling baby around. She recalled at first wanting nothing more than Brittany and her tribe out of her hair and except for Mac Browning and J.T. Hellstrom still squatting at the estate, her wish had come true. Only now, Jill is sad. So sad in fact she went Thursday to the Athletic Club to cry in her beer.

Before Jill left, Mac arrived to learn the mother and child were gone and couldn't believe Brittany actually moved to New York. She could see Jill wasn't taking it well and was worried too that J.T. Hellstrom might not be okay. The hunkmonkey had been the object of Brittany's sick sexual desires and so long as J.T. continued playing daddy to Brittany's baby Mac knew she'd never be able to call J.T. her man. Still, Mac said she'll miss the little guy. Not J.T., the baby. She had, after all, delivered the little runt with her own bare hands that day at the Newman Ponderosa on the sofa so protected by Scotch Guard there was no afterbirth to clean up. Sure, J.T. had helped but Mac did most of the grunt work.

Crazy as the experience was, J.T. said they learned one thing: Brittany is one helluva mother. She's an example all expectant mothers should look up to. Hardly any labor pains, my God, Brittany is someone to be "proud" of.

Back at the Athletic Club, Katherine Sterling had arrived to say she'd heard from Mac that Jill wasn't taking the Marsino departure well. She understood too why Jill would want to drown her sorrows. God knows Katherine had turned to booze plenty of times in her long life. But what matters, what's really important is that Brittany and the baby are with "family". So what if Brittany didn't go to her husband's funeral or that there was no funeral? So what if Brittany tried to get into J.T.'s pants within hours of Bobby Marsino's death. It's not like Katherine or Jill knew about that disgusting incident. Family matters.

Oh, if only Jill could go back in time. If only she hadn't stolen Phillip Chancellor right out from under Katherine's nose and drove the old bag to drink. If only she hadn't put the moves on Rex Sterling and Derek Thurston and made life miserable for Nina Webster she too might have a family to care for her.

Ah, to hell with all that now, Katherine implied. Jill redeemed herself when she fell for Brittany's baby. Now it's time to (gong-gong) move on. Jill must focus. She must run Jabot Cosmetics. She is, isn't she, the CEO? Shouldn't Jill be competing with Newman Enterprises and cranking out a new line of toxic cosmetics? Shouldn't Jill be asking why the hell Ashley Carlton isn't working in the Jabot lab late at night sniffing skunk oil? Damn, Jill. Get it together. The new Beauty of Nature line will hit the streets any day! Stop your sniveling and look at these ideas Katherine has come up with. But you gotta hurry. Thanksgiving and Christmas are closing in.

And so, as Jill thumbs through the ideas you can almost hear the match being struck. You can almost see Katherine lighting that thing in Jill's belly. The same thing Brittany said she once had.

A fire!

Oh God! Say it ain't so. Somebody make it stop. Call the Fire Department. There's a fire burning in Jill's belly. Fire in the hole!

Character Assassination

October 13, 2005
by Michael Kelly

I know my ears must have deceived me. There's no way in hell I heard Jill Abbott tell Brittany Marsino on Thursday she would gladly go wherever the Marsino family ends up so she can function as little Joshua's nursemaid if only it weren't for her pesky CEO position at Jabot Cosmetics weighing her down like a lead balloon.

She may not have used those exact words but the message was clear as a bell nonetheless. Jill Foster Abbott as we've known her for the better part of 35 years is no more. She's become a benign, touchy-feely, domesticated, de-glamorized and declawed dull as dishwater frump.

What's especially tragic about Abbott's pitiful present state is that it could have been so easily avoided.

When Jill was appointed CEO of Jabot, she could and should have shocked and awed her employees into shape with her no-nonsense, she is woman, hear her roar ball-breaking brazenness and transformed the floundering cosmetics company into a lean, mean powerhouse machine that was a force for no less than Newman Enterprises to reckon with.

In fact, Mrs. Abbott should have worked such wonders with Jabot as to compel the now complacent and semi-retired Victor Newman to retake control of his empire's cosmetics division to prevent Jabot from rendering NE's line of toxic goop obsolete.

But alas, it wasn't to be. The Jill Abbott of today is no longer a hungry, vital, ass kicking and shrewd shrew who makes grown men defecate in their shorts when she barrels into the boardroom.

Even more appalling considering how sexually voracious she used to be is Jill's non-existent libido. One wonders if Abbott's become so asexual she no longer even bothers pleasuring herself. Her vibrator and other sex toys with which she and her one-time Big Dog Larry Warton used to experiment with such abandon are likely gathering dust. As is Jill herself.

What really galls me about Jill suddenly finding holding a squawking newborn baby and sniffing his pooped in Pampers so captivating is that it's such an appalling betrayal of her true nature. I doubt very much a woman in her 50's who was always as maternal as a jackhammer when it came to nurturing her own children would become so suddenly and insipidly obsessed with another woman's baby at the expense of all else.

It's a damn good thing Brenda Dickson (the original Jill, who portrayed her from 1973-80; 1983-87) isn't still playing Jill. The notoriously difficult diva Dickson, as sublime as she was, was a distinctly limited actress and would never be taken seriously in Mrs. Abbott's current warm and fuzzy mode. More importantly, it would never occur to the writers to give La Dickson such wishy-washy tripe in the first place.

Dickson may have been canned when her time wasting, self-indulgent antics became too much for the producers to bear but the scribes respected her enough (and master storyteller Bill Bell had too much talent and integrity to violate his characters' personalities) to play to her strengths.

Jess Walton may be a far more versatile and talented actress than Dickson could ever hope of being but she's also seems to be too much of a team player to gripe about what has become of her character. Fortunately, yours truly is here to do it for her.

It's long past time for Jill to shed her beyond mid-life slump, don something slinky and hilariously over-the-top (her wardrobe now consists of mostly drab pantsuits), find herself a man and start strutting her once formidable stuff in the executive suite. Her history is far too rich and her potential far too abundant for Jill Abbott to continue wallowing in obscurity as a bland, baby loving bore.

All Hail Jill Abbott!

April 25, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

I'm surprised so many people hate Jill Abbott. Didn't I write somewhere around here recently that we shouldn't hate anyone? Well, except Mac Browning. Sure, Jill can be a bitch. She did make all that fuss about needing to know her real mother and when she found out only slimed Katherine Sterling all the more and should have been taken over someone's knee and given a good spanking.

But this latest outburst directed toward Jill had to do with ordering Victoria Newman out of the Jabot Lab. The comments questioned Jill's less than friendly demeanor with the general sentiment that Jill should be nice to those who've just returned from a long absence and maybe got on her knees and kissed Victoria's ass.

Let's be clear. Jill did the right thing.

Like the CIA or some other government agency the Jabot Lab is supposed to be TOP SECRET. Nobody gets in or out without clearance. Not the why don't you drop by to look at our secrets and we'll have tea clearance Jabot employees Ashley Carlton or Damon Porter frequently issue their pals. Not the board the plane if you turn in your Bic Lighter clearance but the scan your freaking eyeballs and palm prints clearance required to access the White House Situation Room.

It's true there are no secrets in the Jabot lab right now or much more than a couple of test tubes Carlton sniffs when she pretends to work there. But what if something secret was there? That's the point. That's the reason Victoria had no business being in the lab and Ashley had no business letting her in. Jill was within her purview to snarl and hiss especially when told to leave Victoria wouldn't budge.

Good for Jill for having the foresight to upgrade Jabot security when like security at the Newman Ponderosa it has for years failed miserably to keep out the bad guys. The lack of security at Jabot has been responsible for the theft of magic orchids and potent hair straightening formula.

Jack Abbott should have profusely praised Jill. The parent company CEO should have said it's about damn time somebody took action to keep the likes of Victor Newman out of the lab given how many times Newman has told Jack to stay out of Newman Enterprises. It was Jack who couldn't be nice. It was Jack who blew a gasket when Jill told him security at Jabot is abysmal and she was on it like J.T. Hellstrom on a kraut-eating Paul Williams investigation.

"You took it upon yourself to set up meeting with the Chief of Security?" Jack asked.

Why, yes, Jack. She did. Have you forgotten your own words? Did you forget you "hired" Jill as new CEO? Wouldn't one of the first things a new CEO would want to accomplish is plug security leaks? Do you have a leak in your head, Jack? Is that loud sucking noise we hear whenever you open your mouth at the root of your forgetfulness? Is that why you offered Victoria the job as CEO and then snatched it away like some carrot on a stick? Why do you do these things, Jack?

Is it part of Jack's having his bleak and apocalyptic moment in the white-hot sun? Is this part of his Master Plan to destroy Newman Enterprises and smite Jabot's perceived enemies and hasten the arrival of the newest toxic skin cream? Is Jack's brief rein of power coming to an end? Apparently. What else could explain why the woman who put him in power is having second thoughts?

Has Katherine Sterling noticed Jack is never at Chancellor Industries? Has someone there wondered why CI has no leader and that the company's newest salvation spends all his time at Jabot slapping around those damned uppity women and giving Jill the boot just two days after hiring her?

And why is it that Jill's appointment requires full Board of Directors approval but Jack's appointment did not? How is it Katherine has the power to anoint whomever she pleases as CEO? What is CI? What does it do? 

Here's the kicker. Doing his God-sanctioned duty to bring about a grand cosmetics war that will hasten the arrival of, you guessed it, Armageddon, Jack's sort of changed his mind again. Victoria is his pick as Jabot CEO. He doesn't think Jill is up to it when Jill has forgotten more about the cosmetics industry than Victoria will ever know.

Too bad Jill trusted Jack. Supported him when others knew better. Got stabbed in the back with a Nick Newman-like shank for not demanding and getting a contract.

So then. How righteous the payback. How thrilling that Victor has easily convinced the dementia-ridden Katherine that Jack is "a devious man" who needs to be stopped. What a rush it was watching Jack get all mean and nasty and power grabbing and excreting more of his pointless maneuvering that will do absolutely nothing to solve the impending cosmetics crisis only to get slapped down by Katherine.

How orgasmic was it hearing Katherine ask Jill if she'd figured out Jack had betrayed her again when only moments earlier Katherine had gotten this through her own cobwebbed head? How silly of Jack to ask Katherine how she'd found him when Jack can always be found in one of three places. How mind-blowing that for the many times she's said Jill will never be her daughter [in every way that matters] Katherine is now standing in the way of Jill's shafting. How rich it was hearing Katherine spew that if Jill gets fired Jack is fired too.

Hate Jill if you must but this is one powerful business woman. A true force to be reckoned with. Do you see it? It's one of those things you just have to believe. Victoria as head of Jabot, Victoria as Jabot toilet bowl cleaner, is wrong, wrong, wrong. Get her ass over to NE where it belongs. Get Victoria to work at taking her doofus, big-teeth brother down. God knows Victor won't.

And while they're at it get Jack out of Jabot. There are many among us who believe Jabot has entered into a new Dark Age, that it will be a long and brutal slog indeed and Jill is merely the precursor, the devil's handmaiden, and that they have a long way to go into the bleak and the bloody before the pendulum begins its slow swing back toward the light. This can't happen until Jack is gone.

This can't happen until Jill has swept up all the trash and tossed it out starting with two of the most expensive and useless Jabot employees ever, Ashley and Damon. Once Jabot is on a clean path toward a new beginning Jill should concentrate on ending the implode-at-any-moment, nauseating and appalling war that has gone on far too long. Not a single one of the problems Jabot or NE faced before the war has been solved. With Victoria's return the brutal insurgent violence is only increasing. If more blacken souls must die let it be at Newman Enterprises.

So let's just say it outright: Jill justifies the means. Jill is good for Jabot. All hail Jill Abbott.