2005 News Archives
Joshua Casein

Satan's Baby

February 2, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Oh God! Brittany Marsino collapsed Wednesday at the Cleveland grave site of her husband's brother. Is this a sign? Could the woman have been the victim of a struggle between God and Satan? Will she die? Will there be much hand wringing and concern for her health? There's a lot of that going around. Was Mrs. Marsino caught in a battle between God and Satan? The evil one doesn't like it when people dig into the roof of his kingdom. Lucifer gets angry when all those picks and shovel wake him up. Gets a headache when church bells ring and people flock to cemeteries to bury their dead while asking at the same time that God take the deceased up to heaven. Seems like a conflict.

Seems weird that the Marsinos, for all their forethought, had to have the cemetery caretaker flag down a man of God to say a few words at Joshua Casein's final farewell. Seems odd that the reverend said he'd been told of the tragic circumstances by which Joshua met his maker. Who told told him? The caretaker? Joshua? God does work in mysterious ways but even this seems a bit out His league.

Seems strange too that after singing and acting perfectly normal - or normal as a skank can be - Mrs. Marsino fainted. Was God taking his frustration out on her? Was He perturbed that Mr. Marsino had brought Him out of the warm clouds on the cold Ohio day when just last year Marsino had said he didn't believe in God? Seems like a conflict.

Seems hypocritical that when the preacher said, "We're all God's children" lightening did not strike the former female meat market purveyor on the spot. God has a plan, after all. This is what they say. He has a master blueprint that explains all the hate and anger and adultery in Genoa City.

Thank God Joshua wasn't gay. Homosexuals are a dire threat to humankind and should be stopped at all costs before Satan sneaks them into schools with instructions to convert the straight kids into a life of sin. Are they God's children too or tools to be used by Satan to be pitied and patronized and helped over their "sickness?"

Yea, the Lord will welcome Joshua into the Kingdom of Heaven no matter. There, Josh will be reunited with his family who passed on just slightly ahead of their time thus enabling Mr. Marsino, despite his inability to believe, to "move on" with his meaningless life. Goodness and mercy shall follow him and he shall stop dwelling on the past. "Suffer the little children to come to me now and forever." This the preacher asked in His name.

So now, with Joshua flying God's friendly skies, there was really only one last thing for the preacher to say before disappearing into the thick, cold air. Should the Marsinos need him for anything else "the caretaker can reach me." Not here's my business card or my parish is over on Glory road why don't you stop by sometime and we'll happily help you establish a personal relationship with God, but rather have the caretaker contact me.

And so it came to pass that after Mrs. Marsino crooned a tune in Joshua's memory, Satan released his grip on her which can only explain why she fainted. Either that, or she's pregnant. God help us all if that's the case for surely any baby she spawns will be Satan's.