Lauren Fenmore News Archives - 2005
Scotty Grainger  Tom Fisher  Sheila Carter

The Price of Life

November 29, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

And I'm dining with the family over the recent holidays and like a nagging migraine I cannot escape the fact that this otherwise cute podunk little whitebread town, despite that it's a business hub and must always, always call in experts from the outside particularly during medical emergencies, is saddled with not one but two titans of consumerism.

Yes, this innocent burg known as Genoa City suffers from both a Little Shop of Horrors and Fenmore's Department Stores. Fenmore's is often mentioned in the plural, as if, like the Jitter Joint, there are more than one. For the record, the two satellite Jitter Joints went out of business, but as far as anyone can tell there's only one Fenmore's.

Fenmore's and the Little Shop of Horrors have managed to run themselves quite well during owner Lauren Fenmore's recent stay in the hospital and subsequent poison necklace fallout. Whoever they are, the managers at Fenmore's are doing a great job keeping the doors open. It helped, of course, not having cosmetics executives from Jabot and Newman Enterprises hanging around demanding product placement this year. Unlike the last cosmetics war, that toxic chemical be placed at eye-level on store shelves wasn't important.

Fenmore's, the department store, runs so well there has never been a report of employee bickering or the need to call in former employees to fix the computer system. At Fenmore's there's never been a spokemodel or "live" webcasts or questions from consumers wondering if the spokesmodel is married to the owner.

Survival of the Little Shop of Horrors was once dependent on a pack of zit-covered teens known as Glow Worms. The shop continued to thrive even as employees Billy Abbott and Raul Guittierez quit. When hunkmonkey J.T. Hellstrom and Brittany Hodges Marsino left too, albeit the later quit and was re-hired a number of times before becoming a stripper, Lauren ran the shop herself. Sales dropped, but the store stayed open. Customers were so few and far between Lauren was able to have sex practically in the front window without anyone noticing except for psychotic Kevin Fisher. After developing a crush on her Kevin waived his rights to Lauren's mama-like love when brother Michael Baldwin said he wanted and planned to marry her.

Shortly thereafter, at about the time Lauren's worst nightmare came to town, Lauren stopped going to the horror shop. In fact, nobody had been seen walking through the creepy door since Frank Barrett walked in and scared the crap out of Sharon Newman. With its endless racks and tables of crap Raul used to paw through hoping to find a nice pair of women's panties, Cameron Kirsten, Bobby Marsino, Danny Romalotti, Christine 'Bug' Blair and just about anyone who was anyone shopped there. But now, the place seems to have been deserted. There is no sign of life; no hunkmonkeys swinging in to buy trinkets for minor girls they've fallen for; no strip club owners looking for that special gift.

No so at Fenmore's. The football field that is Fenmore's parking lot is completely full, jammed with SUVs and pickups circling, waiting for spaces. Business began booming so much on "Black Friday" Lauren put aside her fears. With bodyguard in tow, she was at the store this week watching sales skyrocket and warning employees that should fat wig-wearing women fall in the aisle and cause a stampede, to stay out of the way. It's not that Lauren gives a rip about her minimum wage workers, it's that Worker's Compensation claims would cause insurance rates to jump.

It is frightening and incredible and you can see why Fenmore's is worth zillions and why Lauren is raking in billions and why she's happy to live in a box with Michael. Lauren's a powerful business woman. On a par with the likes of Victor Newman, she can choose to work - or not. She can avoid her stores like a roach avoids Raid. She can spend days worrying about who might be trying to kill her and hallucinating on rooftops. But let the Christmas rush roll around and suddenly her life doesn't matter all that much. What matters most is money.

If Lauren doesn't do it, who's gonna put those enormous signs out in front of Fenmore's proclaiming prices equal to or less than her cross-town rivals? Who's gonna insure that store shelves are packed with headache-inducing cheaply made landfill merchandise?

Who said there's a recession? Who said people are upset with the high cost of heating oil and natural gas and don't have money to pay the bills? Fenmore's is raking in the bucks. Customers have been lured in by the idea of saving a few pennies by buying clothes that were already out of style in 1991 and cheap electronic gizmos that break on Christmas Day so they end up buying two. Hey, a bargain's a bargain.

Whatever the reason for Lauren's success, the big boys at Jabot and Newman might want to take notice. In all these years Lauren has never been on the edge of bankruptcy. She hasn't been found guilty of bribery or ever had to open a wreck center for wayward kids. She has never whined for months on end how Fenmore's is a sinking ship or opened a checking account for her significant other with a $50,000 line of credit. She's never had to ask why her son hangs out with "dangerous" men.

But the bad news is, this is no reason to cheer. It is not the end of an era, nor is it a sign of improved sensibilities or the result of a sense of what's really important in this sadness-riddled, corruption-thick city in the wake of Sheila Carter's savagely failed attempts to kill Lauren.

That Lauren has suddenly placed money above safety only means she's got her priorities straight. Without money what good is life?

Wedding of Year Called Off!

October 27, 2005
by Brent Kellogg 

I have a thing for Genoa City. The dark coffee shops and restaurants, the dimly-lit offices and dim people. The aging people trying to compete with the hot, sexy, younger generation and - the mystery. This, I think, is what keeps me interested. The mystery of what makes a lawyer like Michael Baldwin refer to himself as "Mighty Mike" as though he's become Mighty Mouse - or something. The mystery of where Sheila Carter will get her hands on a poisonous snake which will - when Lauren Fenmore opens the gift box at her wedding it's in - jump out and bite her. And if attempt #4 on Lauren's life doesn't work, Sheila's got a backup. "Plan B" she calls it. Attempt #5 if 4 fails like the other three before it.

Ah, but I am weak. I cannot help but repeat myself as this "toxic agent' scenario keeps eating away at my brain. And holy Jesus, I've got to focus on the positive. I've got to kick back for a moment and forget that Michael's wedding is set for Friday and here he is without a best man. He hasn't gotten together with Victor Newman who his mother said on July 13th had agreed to standup for him. Oh, that's right. Kevin Fisher will be the best man because, Gloria Abbott didn't - like this is anything new - know what she was talking about when she said Victor would be the man. Victor may be 'the man' but he ain't Michael's man. Not that there will be a wedding on Friday either. At the last moment, as Gloria was making arrangements and guests were taking their places, damn but what the wedding wasn't called off despite the fact that Lauren - on her way out of the God Have Mercy Medical Center [toxic as she may be] - said she's feeling just fine.

Dumb ass doctors. Patients with unknown "agents" in their blood say they're fine? Hell, just let them go. Do not quarantine them until it's proven they aren't walking around with Anthrax or something so deadly it could wipe out half of Genoa City. Not that it wouldn't be a good, and long overdue thing.

And why shouldn't the doctors kick these patients? They're gonna collect their fees. Rich as she is, Lauren doesn't worry about those pesky medical bills. Hell, she doesn't even see them. Nor does she notice until long after the fact that the precious necklace around her neck is missing. Wasn't it so special? Wasn't that trinket the most important thing in her life since it came from her very own son? It must not be very valuable as no police report or insurance claim has yet been filed. Instead, they'll have a nurse put up a missing necklace notice but they won't notice that since the gaudy thing has been off Lauren's throat she's been feeling great.

And who, pray tell, will be Lauren's matron of dishonor? Has she asked anyone? Who are the possibilities? Gina Roma? The Bug? Ashley Carlton? How about Phyllis Summers? Wouldn't Phyllis be the perfect choice given all the times she had sex with Michael? How about Scotty Grainger? If ever someone fit the part of a bride's matron this guy is it. What can you expect from someone who won't think it strange when he sees Sheila, um, Brenda, hacking away at the wedding cake when she learns the wedding has been cancelled?

No, I cannot let these questions shame me. I cannot let them whip me and humble me and tie me up in knots. I must therefore concentrate and be happy as the mystery unfolds and wait with great anticipation as a new date is announced for the wedding of the year.

Flattery Can Kill You

October 25, 2005
by Brent Kellogg 

Here all this time some of us were thinking Lauren Fenmore's poison necklace wasn't infecting anyone else because it attributes can be turned on and off at will might not be the case. Based on what happened Tuesday it would appear Fenmore's fiancée, Michael Baldwin, caught a few whiffs of the poison somewhere along the line and unbeknownst to him begun eating away at his brain.

What else would explain why Michael would ask his crazy brother, Kevin Fisher, what kind of poison Lauren has contracted? Granted, Kevin is a firebug. He's knows how to torch restaurants, lock little girls in refrigerators and give them STDs, but let's face it: Kevin isn't a doctor. He's not a pathologist. He's not a biologist or toxicologist. Besides the aforementioned skills, if Kevin is anything he's a bookkeeper. He's the owner of a coffee shop. What would he know about a rare toxic agent such as the one cursing Lauren is said to be. That isn't Drain-O in Lauren's blood stream. As mentioned in a previous report it's not something easily purchased at the corner grocery store. We'll talking about stuff more toxic than anything Jabot Cosmetics sells on the Internet.

Without making a big fuss, or telling Michael how flattered he is that Michael would think he'd know of such things when doctors at the God Have Mercy Medical Center have run elaborate tests and reported they don't know what's in Lauren's blood, Kevin just said no. The only thing he knows about poison is what he saw once in a movie where people touched a book with poison on it and it seeped into their bodies.

While Michael made no mention about having his apartment detoxed and Kevin might want to avoid dropping in unannounced, Kevin gave him a clue. Maybe it's not what's causing Lauren's medical problem, but who. Rearing on his back legs, Michael immediately rejected the idea; he seemed annoyed that Kevin would suggest such a thing when he knows Sheila Carter is locked up. Not that he's checked since Lauren started acting weird and especially not since Lauren entered the hospital screaming she'd heard Sheila's voice. Besides, doesn't everyone in Genoa City love Lauren? Who would hurt her?

As the idea of checking on Sheila knocked at the opening of their pointed heads and then took off in a huff when nobody answered, in walked terrible Tom Fisher to thoroughly confuse the brothers. Gosh, hadn't Michael sworn just a few hours ago that Tom would rot in jail? Does Tom's release mean Michael will have to threatened him another thousand times? Will he have to shell out more money to have Tom leave town only to finally get that Tom doesn't want to leave? Will he have to get his hands on another pound or so of Meth and have Ashley Carlton stash it on Tom's motorcycle? What in the name of decency was he doing walking the streets?

For now, Tom wasn't saying. Suffice it was he's free to fry bigger fish and to slip into the God Have Mercy Medical Center without being seen to lift the necklace from around Lauren's neck and get clean away. As only Kryptonite can harm Tom, he was able to take the necklace to a safe location where he'll now use it as a bargaining chip to make sure Sheila, AKA Brenda, doesn't double-cross him. As 'Brenda', Sheila's task is to get rid of Michael although how she'll accomplish the goal is suspect in that she's tried three times to kill Lauren only to fail each time.

In a related development, Shelia, posing as Jennifer, got herself invited to Michael's wedding over the objection of wedding planner Gloria Fisher. The rejection at first was a slap in Sheila's face when it was Jennifer who did Gloria the favor of bailing Tom out of jail. But, because Gloria was flattered to think Jennifer thinks there will be rich and famous people at the wedding, and that the wedding will be like one of those seen in fashion magazines, said she'd be happy to put Jennifer's name on the guest list - short as it may be.

And so, if there's a message to be gleaned from these events it's this: flattery can kill you.

Death Wish

October 24, 2005
by Brent Kellogg 

Maybe it's just me but if I'd recently been saved from jumping off a roof, and told while in the hospital I have a "rare" toxic agent cursing through my bloodstream, I wouldn't be going anywhere until the doctors knew for sure what the toxicity is and got it out of my system. Then again, I'm not Lauren Fenmore. I don't actually live in Genoa City, but I do know what happens when those "rare" diseases hit here.

Given the years she's been around, Lauren should know about rare diseases and what they can do. She must have heard about the rare disease Dr. Olivia Winters contracted. For weeks Winters moaned and groaned she might die until at the last moment a miracle saved her.

While having a rare disease is less likely to kill people than say, being dropped on the floor while being transferred from a gurney to a hospital bed, Lauren should know from her own experience people do die. Dr. Scott Grainger, Lauren's former husband, died from a rare disease so you'd think she'd be a little less carefree about the one surging through her system.

Unless she's got a death wish.

Perhaps that's why Lauren can't wait to get out of the God Have Mercy Medical Center. Her doctor has said it's okay, and Lauren herself said Monday she's fine, so why not? She won't have to be constantly bothered by visitors like her mother-in-law to be, Gloria Abbott, who stopped by to say she couldn't believe Lauren was in the hospital.

How, exactly, does that work? Didn't Gloria learn from her son that Lauren has been taken ill and that she's a patient at the GHM? Why then would she tell Lauren, "I can't believe you're here" when she saw Lauren laying in bed? Did Gloria mean she can't believe people don't get sick, or that Lauren should have asked to be taken to an accredited hospital? And why would Gloria ask, "How are you feeling?" How does she think someone who nearly jumped to their death feels? Or is this one of those patronizing courtesy statements like, "How are you doing?" when generally the person asking the question could give a rip? Clearly, Gloria has never been a patient at the GHM, but it's only a matter of time. Eventually, everyone shows up here with some malady.

As for the rare toxic substance doctors have yet to figure out what it is and Lauren's fiancée doesn't want to wait while the quacks run endless, expensive medical tests. Not that he or Lauren will ever see a bill, Michael Baldwin swung into action first thing this week by ordering everything Lauren had come into contact be tested. Furthermore, he plans to have a HazMat team check and scrub the roof of the condominium where Lauren nearly killed herself and the condom he shares with her. In the time it takes Lauren to be released both places will be spic and span.

Gloria did make a good point, however. Why, given how her son sucks around Lauren, isn't Michael sick? Michael's hobby - when he's not representing people in a court of law for the past year - must be chemistry. This would explain why he thinks toxic agents in blood get there by way of "allergic reaction" probably like poison ivy - or something. Not that it matters. Michael said the bottom line is to make sure nothing like this happens again even though everyone pretty much knows it will.

So, you might be saying to yourself, it Michael wants everything Lauren came into contact with sanitized and homogenized, why didn't he have that silly necklace she wears checked? He knows she was wearing it on the roof. Granted, if Michael were a truck driver, he might not know about these things. He might be more concerned that his - sexually used by almost every man in this forsaken town - woman feel pretty by keeping the necklace around her neck. And why not? Obviously, the evil charm can be turned on and off at will. But Michael's a lawyer for Pete's sake. He should know that having everything checked means - everything.

Michael has, as expected, overlooked this important detail. He had to. Otherwise terrible Tom Fisher won't be able to slip into Lauren's room and attempt to steal the necklace. Remember too, that before leaving Lauren alone, Michael said he had things to do; places to go; a roof to scrub; a condom to clean. He asked the nurse to call him should Lauren need anything. Speaking of which, where will that nurse be when Tom shows up? Didn't she say Lauren's a prized patient; that she alone is responsible for watching over her? How is it that Michael will return in the nick of time to catch Tom? You know he will because Lauren hasn't screamed nearly enough. She hasn't been totally freaked out to the point where she should be at John Hopkins demanding they find out what's in her blood.

Moreover, given GHM's history of unexpected deaths, the recent death of Cassie Newman, Keith Dennison laying for years in a coma down the hall, the attempted kidnapping of the Marsino baby and evildoers running around the place waving guns and syringes, why hasn't security been beefed up? Not that an army of rent-a-cops would help. The Chancellor Mausoleum is crawling with 'em; the Newman ponderosa crawls with 'em, yet the bad guys always manage to come and go as they please. Why hasn't the Press reported these concerns? Are they too busy covering Star Search to report real news? Why would anyone knowingly go to the GHM for medical care? Do they have a death wish?

The Walls Have Ears

October 18 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Oh Lord, what do you do if you're a reporter for the GCN charged with coming up with at least one report on the daily actives in this forsaken city and there's nothing to report on? You can sit back and let what little that did happen sink into your skull until it starts eating at your intellect. You can drink heavily thus rendering your psycho-emotional system null and void and completely unwilling to give much of a damn.

You can close your eyes to the bloody gruesome pictures of Lauren Fenmore on the roof of her fiancée's apartment building screaming madly as Shelia Carter, dressed as the Grim Reaper, lurks nearby urging her to jump off the ledge. You can shout "JUMP JUMP" as Shelia eggs her on, and then cry when Michael Baldwin arrives in the nick of time to save her, doesn't see Sheila and Lauren doesn't say what the hell is wrong except that she's "confused".

You can laugh when an upset Sheila says she'll have better luck next time because you know there will be a next time, and another, and another as this made for TV version of Halloween drags on.
 

Halloween 9

October 18, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Okay, I get it now. Sheila Carter's return to Genoa City is all about Halloween 9. A sort of Freddy Kruger meets Jason. A made for TV slasher movie with lots of blood, toxic swill and people, knowing the bad monster is close behind them, keep screaming and then wonder how the monster found where they were.

In Halloween 9 Lauren Fenmore plays the hapless victim. She hasn't thought about the evil Sheila for years until one day old memories begin to haunt her. She trips to the nuthouse in which Sheila is thought to be confined, sees with her own sunken eyes that Sheila is behind bars, but thinks nothing of the report that Sheila has already escaped once. Lauren, knowing that Sheila is a master of disguise, does not request DNA evidence. She returns home to thank God and say she'll never have to worry about Sheila again, yet can't stop worrying that something evil this way comes.

When the son Lauren has not spoken of for years is discovered in Canada by her fiancée, she confesses having known all along opening the door for Scotty Grainger's return to his place of birth. Lauren has no idea that Scotty's woman friend is really Sheila or sees any similarity between Sheila and the new waitress where she dines daily.

When Scotty presents her with a cheap necklace Lauren doesn't make the connection. She doesn't comprehend that before receiving the trinket she was in good health, and now, since wearing it around her turkey neck, has been feeling dizzy and hallucinating. When Sheila emerges from the smoke and fog Lauren screams and generally freaks out. She can't believe Sheila is back or that this scene resembles the one at Molly Carter's farmhouse. Lauren calls out to her god for help, but really, when you think about it, would God be willing to help someone so stupid as not to know to remove that Home Shopping Network knockoff from her neck?

The Scene: Michael Baldwin's apartment. Lauren is present in her Bucky Beaver PJs. Michael asleep, knocked out by a combination of too much cheap booze and Cuban cigars illegally imported from Canada by Lauren's son. Suddenly, there's a clatter. The lights flicker and a deep voice speaks:

"Psst! Lauren! God here, taking a break from overseeing Cassie Newman's guardian angel chores to speak with you because, well, you're special, aren't you, Lauren? Stop giggling. Get off your ass Lauren. Get something to write with. No, not a crayon. Ready? Here we go. Take this down:

"As you know, I'm not what everyone thinks. I am not all love and light. I am not someone you turn to only in times of trouble. I have a dark side and I want you, Lauren, to help perpetuate my wrath. Doesn't that sound cool?

"There are two things I love, Lauren: incest and nepotism, cosmetic wars, revenge, bigamy, divorce and lots of dead babies. Okay, seven things. And whores. Eight things. And you and your demon monkeys. Ten things. Can you wrap your mind around that? Do you think I'd let Victoria Newman slut around with her half sister's father if I didn't love incest? Do you think I'd allow half the unchristian things going on in this city if I weren't just so, how should I put this, satanic? But you, Lauren, are enacting the last two loves of my entity admirably. Don't be shy, go ahead and tell me you didn't know Sheila was coming back. Tell me that before wearing that <hack> necklace you were feeling oh so pretty and then suddenly acting like you'd dropped acid you didn't know to see a doctor. And what's up with the barking dogs, Lauren? Did you and Ralph the dog do something naughty?

"Here's the plan: I'm gonna wreak some major havoc on your ass by hurling more of this massive rehash at you. I'm gonna flood the place with so much Sheila you'll wish you were in New Orleans or back in that grave. Now that I think about it, New Orleans is out. Isn't Brock Reynolds building homes for the homeless around there? Knowing you, Lauren, you'd be cheating on Michael within a week. You are such a bitch. Here I've been trying to give your meaningless life a purpose and you blow it. Jesus, woman! I gave you a rose garden and you had to strip-mine it.

"It wasn't good and blessed that you should get married and live happily ever after. It wasn't sweet that Scotty came back and fell in love with Kevin Fisher. He is you know. Don't tell me you can't see the infatuation. Not that I care. My message all along has been one of love. What I'm saying, Lauren, is that you can't leave well enough alone. You weren't satisfied having sex in the window of that horror shop. You weren't happy being married to Paul Williams. Not that I blame you, but swapping spit with that boy? Have you no shame?

"When Sheila is done with you, when she's made you bawl like a baby and begged for your life, I want you to sit back for a few days, relax in the Athletic Club hot tub, have a lemonade, OK? Think about how you've served me. Are you surprised that I'm pissed off? Don't worry, I'll make it up to you. How does eternal damnation sound?

"Here's the thing I must confess: I hate this forsaken city. All this so-called love, all the marriages and divorces and the children so confused they don't know they own namesake. The kids living in Kansas and boarding schools and group homes. You know what Genoa City is to me? High maintenance; having to perform miracles at the last minute. Having to listen as Nikki Newman swears she prays to me when she hasn't once read my book. Did you know the Bible is all about me? Of course, you don't. Christ, girl. I'll bet you've broken more of my commandments than all the Satan worshippers in this town combined. The place sucks, Lauren. It exhausts me having to watch people like you, slutting around, getting married again and again. Tell me, Lauren. How long with this marriage last? Longer than your first date with Michael? Who keeps track of things like dates, Lauren?

"Here's the deal, Lauren: I want you to stop it, OK? When Sheila is gone, when you've forgotten she was here like the last time you forgot, when you've move on with Michael, don't even think about having a kid with him. Damn kids these days. Who needs another Daniel Romalotti or Lily Winters running around? It's bad enough I've got to watch over Scottie. Mark my words. When your crisis is over that'll be just about the time one of Scotty's demons will come out of the closet. And believe me, his closet is infested with some dark secrets.

"Speaking of bratty kids, what's up with your mother coming to the wedding? Did you invite her? Didn't she say she wished you'd never been born? Boy, did she ever get that right. Are you gonna invite Paul too? That should be nice. Will former hubby get all bent and beat on Michael like he did when he thought the Bug wanted him? What about Raul Guittierez? You might as well invite him too. Hell, why not invite all the men and boys you've slept with? Oh, that's right. There's no church big enough to hold them all. Not that you're getting married in a church. You don't want to piss me off any more than I already am. Don't you dare wear white, either.

"I know, I'm being cantankerous and should be spewing my turn the other cheek gibberish, but you've pissed me off, Lauren. You're playing the helpless woman; the dummy who can't figure out the necklace around its neck is poison; the idiot. Sheila stands right in front of you and you still don't get it. But you will. Sheila will make your life a freaking hell because I sayeth unto you, innocence only goes so far. Your feel sorry for me whip is worn and cracked. Michael may like that you spank him with it, Scotty would surely enjoy a few welts from it, but I've had it with you.

"I know, everyone says I should love you; forgive your trespasses. Truth is, you've gone too far this time. Speaking of which, I must be going. But don't fret. I'll be back. Oh, one more thing. I know you love red flesh, black eyes and pointed horns on your men, but please. Don't go running to Satan for help. We know who's really running the show, don't we, Lauren? Damn straight. So keep your hands out of the fire, if you know what I mean. Now go give Michael a hot load of spit. You might want to have him do something about the stains on the carpet too, or, are those Kevin's? Nighty, night. Don't let the bed bugs bite. Oh, and most of all, pleasant dreams!"

Watching Scotty Grow
Son of Oldest Slut Found in Canada!

July 21, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

It's almost too good to be true. It's almost like you can't hardly believe it and it feels like it must be a nasty trick. Brilliant attorney that he is, Michael Baldwin couldn't find anything on the Internet about Scotty Grainger. So like Phyllis Summers and others have had to do - because there's only one common citizen in all of Genoa City with tracking software on their computers with the ability to locate where cellphone calls are coming from - Baldwin turned to his little brother, Kevin Fisher. A keystroke here, a keystroke there and presto! Kevin easily located a cellphone number for the long-lost should be fourteen-year-old son of Baldwin's bride to be, Lauren Fenmore.

That Kevin's computer skills are amazing is not the truly remarkable impact of this discovery. That Scotty is apparently in Canada is and maybe, if you're like me, deep inside your cynical mind you wonder what the hell is Scotty doing there? Isn't Canada a country crawling with terrorists? Don't they have cheap drugs up there and nobody locks their doors at night? Doesn't Canada allow gay marriage and this alone threatens democracy the world over?

Is Scotty trying to avoid going to Iraq? The question must be asked. Scotty ain't fourteen anymore. Rumors abound he's close to thirty. Since nothing is known of his past since his mother took him away from Wisconsin as a baby Scotty may have joined the National Guard. He may have already served one tour in Iraq and didn't want to go back for another.

Speculation is funny like that. No word on Scotty for years and then just before marrying his mother Michael starts asking questions about him. Questions Lauren won't answer. Odd, it is too, Lauren didn't tell Michael she has a son and when he found out said she doesn't want Scotty at the wedding. Naturally, this raised red flags. What mother wouldn't want her son sharing such a joyous time? What is Lauren hiding? Does Scotty have cooties? Could it be Scotty isn't her son?

After the Jill Abbott/Katherine Sterling mess you never know anymore. Family trees in this city are planted so close together their roots intertwine. You can't tell an Abbott from a Newman or a Grainger from a Williams. The glaring clues are twofold. First, Lauren was doing the horizontal hoochie with Paul Williams and who know who else at about the time Scotty was born. Second, there's that baby switch by Sheila Carter at the God Have Mercy Medical Center. Considering the hospital staff is so blind it can't see near death patients walking right out the front door there's a good chance the baby Lauren wound up with wasn't hers at all.

Or maybe this scandal is something completely different, less obvious, more excruciating than we want to imagine. Lauren knows Tom Fisher! How well isn't clear yet, but it wouldn't have taken much for Lauren to sleep with Tom because she's such a slut. If she did and he got her pregnant that would make Scotty Michael's brother and what a Dr. Scott Grainger/Christine Blair incestuous mess that would be!

Speaking of the creepy Bug. Isn't it odd she's never once asked Lauren where her nephew is? Of all people to ask that important question it was sperm thief Ashley Carlton who, on Thursday, asked Lauren, "Don't you have a son?" and for whatever reason after all the years Lauren has been in Genoa City asked too why Scotty has never been seen?

"Because he's grown and lives far away," Lauren replied, as Ashley, the dumb baby-killing bitch she is, took the explanation at face value. Ashley did not say, "Other children are grown and live far away but that's never stopped them from visiting their parents. Look at my niece, or is she my step-daughter, Colleen Carlton. Look at Victor Newman JR. They've all visited while living far away."

Instead, Ashley thought how hard it must be having a child in Never Never Land. Lauren flicked off the concern as something she's grown accustomed to in that Scotty, like so many GC kids, went to a boarding school. Again, Ashley thought this was "difficult" although there's nothing difficult about it as the elite here happily ship their kids off to the Swiss Alps like so much unwanted New York garbage is shipped to New Jersey.

The subject matter sparked an otherwise dead brain cell inside Ashley's thick head. Damn, if only she could see Abby Carlton more often. If only Abby doesn't spend half her time at the Abbott Hotel and if the still very married to Brad Carlton Ashley weren't so busy dating other men she might actually see the kid more than she does.

And because she's just so out of the mainstream, because she hasn't spoken with Ashley for more than five minutes since her latest return to Wisconsin, Lauren wondered why Ashley doesn't ask Brad if Abby could live with her for awhile. And since reality changes with the wind direction around here Ashley said Brad has given her an ultimatum. Either quit her job and become a stay at home mom or forget about ever getting full custody of Abby as if Brad has any legal right to prevent her from doing otherwise.

Knowing damn well what a sleaze Brad is, knowing that Brad had a heart attack while he was humping her, Lauren said it didn't sound like something Brad would do. Moreover, Ashley, so dependent on men Victor Newman can make her wilt by merely breathing the same air, was urged by Lauren not to let any man pressure her into doing something she doesn't want to do.

The conversation became extremely convoluted when Ashley blamed Brad's new, but same as it ever was, attitude on his job at Newman Enterprises. Lauren didn't make the connection so long as Ashley still gets to see Abby which, of course, she does. To Lauren's way of thinking Ashley's precious moments with Abby are similar to the way she feels about Scotty which explains why Lauren never speaks of the kid and doesn't want him at her wedding. That Scotty is far away works out "extremely well", was the "right choice" Lauren made for both of them and despite what anyone thinks, which they don't, Lauren is happy as a clam.

For a woman with her finger on the pulse of society it was further confusing to hear Lauren go along with the notion that Ashley and Brad are legally divorced which Ashley said most recently they aren't. Lauren couldn't understand why Ashley stopped dating that nice man what's his name, but seemed pleased Ashley hasn't stopped dating her former lover, Paul Williams.

The key that opens the really hard questions is in Michael's hand so you'd think, wouldn't you, that when Michael called Scotty he'd ask something pertinent. Alas, it wasn't to be. Hearing a recording Michael hung up without leaving a message. After all, what could he say? Would something along the line of "I'm marrying your mother and want you at the wedding except your mother forbids it so how about giving me a call to help me understand this bizarre behavior" be too much to ask?

Why, yes. It is. Scotty, with his getting an education degree in Canada might not want to see his mother much the way Victor Newman didn't want to see Albert Miller or the way Daniel Romalotti didn't want to see Phyllis Summers. Considering how those sad stories turned out why all the this-one's-for-the-parent-who-shunned-me revenge demeanor? Why not get Scotty back to Genoa City if for no other reason that to rewrite the rule book to include the notion that actual facts don't matter and a mother can get away with absolutely anything if the denials are orchestrated just right and if the accusers are immediately counterattacked and mistakes are admitted absolutely never.

Based on Lauren's history it's a good bet she either didn't want Scotty around because he's not her biological son or, she didn't want him to know why she's called Genoa City's oldest slut.

Russian Roulette

May 16, 2005

Didn't we see it coming? Didn't we know we'd be pummeled like Antarctic baby seals by the glorious and demonic lifestyles of the rich and famous in Genoa City? Was it any surprise that attorney Michael Baldwin would find himself so hard up for a woman he'd have to settle for Lauren Slutmore? The woman who has slept with as many men as Roche has purple pills? The same woman who not so long ago was banging Paul Williams right on the floor in plain view of her Little Shop of Horrors? The douche bag with a teenage son somewhere out there but never speaks his name?

Filled with giddiness and swoony sparkle and a desperate right-now urge to lick Lauren up and down and then have sex and take a nap, Baldwin on Monday took his little woman to the rarely seen anymore ColonRoom where head waiter Jockstrap waited on them hand and foot. It took some doing to get her there, however. Slut that she is, Lauren feigned an aversion to "mysterious" evenings out on the town unless they involve dating Baldwin's psycho brother.

Aware that he's at fault for Lauren's apprehension - in that his family is so dysfunctional and what with Terrible Tom Fisher being in town and perhaps Lauren might get stuck trying to entrap Tom like she did brother Kevin - Baldwin begged indulgence. Thinking for a moment that maybe she could stop picking at her worry wart for two whole hours Lauren gave in. Baldwin had, after all, gone to so much trouble dressing up like a penguin and she prancing around in a Forrester original, well, it was the least she could do.

And lo, when they walked into the ColonRoom damn but what it didn't look like Las Vegas complete with games of chance and twinkle-toe cigarette girls. The ColonRoom had gone to such an extreme as to make Larry Warton's round Valentine's Day mattress scene - hauled up out of the musky ColonRoom basement for the amusement of Jill Abbott - pale by comparison.

As a waiter slid by on invisible skates with champagne Baldwin quipped, "exactly what I ordered" as if he'd placed an order for a MacDonald's quarter pounder and not received a Big Mac by mistake.

Appearing to have trouble processing the complexity of it all, that a restaurant had been transformed into a giant slot machine, Lauren couldn't help but ask, "What is all this?".

So as not to scuttle the moment, to not shatter the Disneyland illusion by telling her it's really just a restaurant, Baldwin gave Lauren a one word explanation.

"Life".

As in reality. As in life is a gamble. As in you have to take big risks in order to reap big rewards like trying to form a complete sentence.

Fumbling and falling into a huge pit of tortured grammar, Lauren could only say how moved she was that Baldwin would do all that, spend all that money, on a cheap whore. To top it off Baldwin had selected just the right "circumstances" under which to do it and now she was sure the night would be so much fun.

After a Tango on the dance floor Lauren headed toward the crap table where in the true sense of the word much crap was forthcoming as she needed assurance the game of Russian Roulette she was about to play wasn't "rigged" before doubling down her bet. As two bullets spun in the chamber one had the word 'marry' written on it and then 'me' turned up on another.

Marry? Me? What could that mean? As it sunk into Lauren's head that this was Baldwin's way of proposing marriage a passing cigarette girl stopped and held out a box containing an engagement ring. Lauren was amazed at Baldwin's unique interpersonal skills. She hummed a few bars of How Deep is Your Love. It was true what they say. A sucker is born every minute. Carnal urges surged through her well-used body. Her mind instantly flashed on the sexy bras and skimpy underwear back at her hotel suite. She prayed quickly that the supply of bedside Vaseline wasn't running low and quietly smacked herself for not having the porn collection restocked or the new HD TV installed on the bedroom wall.

Did this just happen? Does Baldwin really want Lauren's hand in marriage? Who'll give her away? Paul? Probably. That is, unless Baldwin asks him to be best man. Unless Paul is too busy giving J.T. Hellstrom tips on scoring chicks, stranger things have happened. Who will be the maid of dishonor? J.T.? Will the wedding be held in a church? Will Lauren wear white?

So many questions may be premature as it must be remembered: living happily ever after is not allowed in Genoa City. Something bad must happen. A kidnapping would be nice. Marriage here is like Russian Roulette.