2005 News Archives
Lily Winters
See also: Dru Winters  Neil Winters  Daniel Romalotti  Devon Hamilton  Justice is Served

Here's Your Hat, What's Your Hurry?
September 2, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

I think knowing that Lily Winters was leaving Genoa City for at least nine months and maybe longer is the reason I felt at first there wasn't any reason to report more on her departure. Then I got to thinking: what's wrong with this picture?

Plenty!

When Dru and Neil Winters learned their super-intelligent daughter had been porked by Kevin Fisher they freaked out. They had Lily tested for sexually transmitted diseases and there was much consternation Lily might be pregnant or worse. Yet when Lily announced this week that she got it on with "bad seed" Daniel Romalotti the Winters showed little concern. It seemed in fact Dru couldn't wait to get Lily on the plane to a nice boarding school in New Hampshire. She didn't suggest Lily do a pee test once things have settled down or give Lily any motherly advice as to what to do should she miss a period.

Dru did worry Lily was trying to reach "that boy" on the phone prior to her last minute bum's rush, but expressed no objection when Daniel managed to haul his ass out of an Athletic Club hot tub and get to the city's international airport in time to say good-bye. And how 'bout that kid? Expelled from school Daniel rub-a-dub-dubs instead of worrying about where he'll be finishing his high school education just days before school starts.

Speaking of advanced notice, how nice that Lily's adopted brother, Devon Hamilton, cut short a visit in Crack Ho Park with his drug addicted mother so that he could speed to the airport thanks to Queen of the Oreos Sierra Hoffman who thinks being sent to a boarding school as punishment is like "going away" to Yale or Harvard. That Sierra's mind has rotted due to all the Oreo-eating was further apparent when she told Lily "a lot of people will miss you."

A lot of people? What, exactly, is a lot? Two? Lily has only one friend, two if she counts Devon whom Lily said she feels "guilty" for "abandoning" when Devon should be thanking his lucky stars Lily won't be around to further set a bad example for him. As if more proof was needed that eating Oreos is bad Sierra actually said she thought Lily will be coming home to visit at Christmas! Somebody should have told her: any boarding school the District Attorney has a working relationship with ain't no boarding school. It's a reform school and God knows Lily desperately needs reform.

The tragic good-bye got worse when Neil said how heartbroken he is to see Lily leave when he's the one responsible for her leaving! Dru said the same thing when she's the one who couldn't get Lily to the airport fast enough. This was followed by more of Neil's inane talk of hating to see "our family splitting up like this" when, had he a pair of balls, he could have literally whipped Lily in line. Not that it mattered. For all his whining Neil said, "Wherever we are we're always a family."

As a forewarning that Neil and Dru's problems are not over, Devon quipped that at nearly 18 he doesn't need looking after as Lily recommended her parents do. Were she not so ignorant Lily would have known Dru and Neil can barely look out for themselves much less two unruly kids. Still, as icing on the red, white and blue humble pie they were eating, Lily squealed what great parents Dru and Neil are. After a group who-rah hug Neil noticed that his cheap watch wasn't keeping correct time and damm, whatever happened to the fancy watch which just happened to go missing following a visit to their wooden box by Devon's biological mother?

Noting too that security lines are long at the airport thanks to those old women carrying bombs in their Depends Neil grew impatient. Gotta go, gotta go right now. Lily stalled for time by asking Neil - a man she really wishes wasn't her father (as witnessed earlier by her informing Malfunction Winters she wishes he was her father) - for the umpteenth time if he could ever forgive her for being such a snotty brat. For the umpteenth time Neil said yes then launched into a diatribe about what a "bright future" Lily has ahead of her and that she's a "smart" girl who shouldn't let anyone "take advantage" of her although being taken advantage of is all Lily has done since her arrival from Paris.

A fidgeting Dru did not join in the subsequent bawling fest and seemed to be sending this subliminal message to Lily: "Here's your hat. What's your hurry? Get on the damm plane already."

Bags Packed, Ready to Go
August 31, 2005

There's this sense of justice in some political circles that denying school kids an education is the best way to make them pay for their indiscretions. College students who have been busted for drugs are often denied student aid under an obscure law most have never heard of. It works for the poor, but not for the rich. Since rich kids don't need student aid when they are busted all they receive is a slap on the wrist.

That may be fine for college students but who has ever heard of a high school expelling students because they committed a crime? A crime they were later absolved of? Whoever heard of a high school expelling a student for aiding and abetting another student in that crime after high and mighty righteous parents complained said students set a bad example?

As is so often the case if it does happen it only happens in Genoa City as it did this week when Daniel Romalotti and Lily Winters learned they've been expelled from Walnut Grove Academy. This wasn't so much a problem for Daniel as he most likely will simply skip his senior year and go straight into college. Either that or, like J.T. Hellstrom and Mac Browning, Daniel will take some time off before deciding whether he wants to continue his education, or get a fancy job at someplace like Newman Enterprises or Jabot Cosmetics.

It was more of a problem for Lily. With criminal charges pending against her and a court trial just around the corner, Neil and Dru Winters did some fast thinking. With all the trouble Lily has caused the thought of sending her to a boarding school for just one year had passed through their thick heads. A school in New Hampshire to be exact, and like most schools of this type, one where the kids get more sex then they've ever have under the watchful eye of their parents. The problem was: how to get Lily out of their hair at a time when the justice system wants nothing more than to lock troubled kids up?

Rather than bide their time, rather than hire an excellent divorce attorney to get Lily off as Phyllis Summers had done for Daniel, the Winters choose to make a deal with the District Attorney. After conferring with a judge, although why a judge had to agree when the DA could have cut the deal on his own, Glenn Richards, his successful prosecution rate at 0-1000, reported to the Winters that so long as Lily goes away to a boarding school he'll drop all the charges against her! Of course, no mention was made of all those screaming citizens out there demanding justice. Out of sight, out of mind seems to be the modus operandi.

When the Winters dropped the hammer on Lily's empty head her first thought was that something bad had happened to her lover. When she learned of her imminent departure to New Hampshire Lily thought it was a joke until she noticed Ma and Pa weren't laughing. Noticeably upset, Lily thought it was the end of the world. Considering she'd just been porked so good by Daniel it made her head spin the timing wasn't right. A measly year in what her father called a "controlled setting" sounded like a lifetime. Lily thought this meant "military school" as if she in any way is West Point material; as if anyone would - in their right mind - put an M-16 in Lily's hand and tell her to go kill a few Iraqis.

When Neil said it's a boarding school didn't make the situation brighter. Lily didn't ask what amenities the school has to offer or whether it has an honor program like the one she claims to be in at Walnut Grove. Had Lily asked Neil wouldn't have been able to say as he had no idea. All Neil knew was that the school is one Richards "works with" in New Hampshire. What exactly works with means only probation officer/adoption agency representative Lorena Davis might know. How fortunate too that the school just happened to have "an opening".

Upon learning that he or she is being sent away a normal, dysfunctional, delinquent kid would know why. But not Lily. She thought her deportation was for having sex the night before with Daniel. Was it that she didn't shower afterwards? That Daniel had used an old, crusty condom, or that he didn't and one day Daniel will learn he's a papa?

"It's to protect you," a still in denial Dru said, when for once she should have been forthright by telling Lily item by item the reasons the number one being, "You are a delinquent and we're not putting up with it anymore."

Incredibly, and isn't it always? Lily asked, "What if I refuse to go?"

"What if I smack that smart-ass mouth of yours three ways from Sunday?" Dru did not reply, but you know should have had she not been such a slave to Lily's persistent dragging her around by the nose.

Neil jumped in to say that should Lily refuse she'd spend her senior year in a "Juvenile Detention Center" as if the City of Genoa runs these private motels where the rich can stash their troubled kids for a year and isn't already overcrowded.

Doing what she does best Lily flip-flopped by turning on the whimper machine and cranked out the crocodile tears. Please, Mommy. Please, Daddy. Don't send me away. I promise to be good.

Too bad for Lily her sniveling was all for not. Besides Dru saying they had no other choice, Neil said it was the only way the charges against Lily would be dropped and not to see this deportation as something they were doing. The DA is doing it. Too distraught, Lily didn't think to ask, "Couldn't you hire Christine to get me off? It worked for Daniel."

Lily begged and begged to no avail except that all the whimpering must have had caused Malfunction Winters ears to burn. Out of town for weeks, Malfunction magically showed up to learn his daughter is being sacrificed in the name of protecting Lily from that evil "menace" Daniel Romalotti.

I Am Not a Liar!

August 10, 2005

The only evidence you need that Lily Winters should have been put into a reform school or shipped off to a boarding school long ago is this: On Wednesday, the kid said, "It taught me not to lie."

Lily, soaking in a hot tub with her adopted brother which in itself reeked a bit like incest, spoke of her street-wise urchin of a mother Dru Winters whom she compared to a judge.

"She could look right through me," Lily said of Dru's ability to tell when Lily is lying which, since becoming a bratty teenager with bad attitude, is almost always.

Lily likes to speak of law and order these days because her friend, a white boy she met quite by accident and fell head over heels for harder than she ever fell for the man who raped her, is going on trial for vehicular manslaughter. The subject was of particular interest to Devon Hamilton who said he'd recently read about a judge who could tell by looking at defendants whether they are guilty or not and how nice it would be for Daniel Romalotti to have a judge like that. Better yet, Devon said it would be great if the judge could "read Daniel's mind." That way Lily and Daniel and everyone involved wouldn't have to worry about no stinking trial because the judge would know Daniel is innocent and justice would be served like it was in Nazi Germany when Hitler could so tell guilt or innocence there was no need for a justice system at all.

From Lily's viewpoint such a judge ruling in Daniel's favor would be a godsend because if he's found guilty of drunk driving he'll most likely get treated in prison like a child molester.

"People hate drunk drivers," Lily hacked, which may be partially true. But what people really hate is that the legal system lets convicted drunk drivers off with a slap on the wrist so they may repeat their crime over and over. Devon agreed. "People who get drunk and drive are idiots".

Lily didn't like the implication. Daniel wasn't driving drunk. Sure, he was drinking and three sheets to the wind which makes him stupid, but he didn't kill Newman.

The discussion of America's drug plague by two uneducated corn cobs, like everything in Genoa City this particular day as we will see, escalated when Devon noted that drug addiction isn't an illness for which the government should stop waging war upon unless it includes alcohol and tobacco on the list of dangerous substances. That thousands of Americans die each year from tobacco more than all other drugs combined was not up for debate. That Devon's crack addicted mother merely has a "weakness" was.

"She can't do without her next fix," Devon actually said, which was, in his second-grade mind, worse than addiction.

Lily wasn't exactly sold on the idea. All she knows is that "illegal drugs are strong and people think they can handle them when they can't" unlike Lily who says she's "old enough" to decide what she wants to do regardless of what her parents tell her to do.

If it's true, if Lily truly believes that, then maybe her parents should have her declared an illegal substance the likes of which people scrape off the bottom on their shoes. The way she's going, the way she lies about having been taught not to lie but does anyway, the way she commits crimes and gets away with little or no consequence for her action, it would behoove Mr. and Mrs. Winters to take drastic measures before Lily turns into a regular Eli Lily pill dispenser.

In a related development, a woman who is clearly a danger to herself and others, Phyllis Summers, told repeatedly not in interfere with the defense of her son, has done just that again. For all the beefed up security at the Newman Ponderosa she had no problem not only accessing the sprawling ranch, but managed to access the outhouse love bunker where Nick and Sharon were having sex at the time.

Accusing the diaper-wearing adults of living a life of luxury while her son rots in a gulag Phyllis took a line right out of Gloria Fisher's playbook when she asked the Newmans "how do you two live yourselves?" Too stupid to have locked the door or called security, Nick, standing before Phyllis totally naked with a boner the size of France wasn't at all ashamed of his nudity. He did think it was outrageous that a woman would barge in on him in the middle of putting the pork to his woman, but when Phyllis accused him of playing God didn't remind himself how funny it was as just the other day he'd said he wouldn't mind being a little God in charge of the Newman Empire except that his father already holds the title.

What good it did - for Phyllis to make a speckle of herself and demand Nick stop withholding evidence that may prove her son's innocence only to have Nick threaten to pound her thick head into a bloody pulp and then leave - only Phyllis knows for sure and she wasn't saying.

Bars Winters Kid Spends Time Behind Only Serve Justice!

July 27, 2005

Weeks after Cassie Newman's death I'm still wondering: where in the hell are Alice and Millie Johnson? Why couldn't they have at least called to offer their condolences to the Newman family? What is causing Alice to stay so busy she couldn't just drop whatever it is and drive to Genoa City for the funeral like she did in June, 2000, when she managed to attend Cassie's adoption party? A party by the way Cassie's grandfather Victor Newman did not attend.

That Millie has not expressed concern is no surprise as she never had much interest in caring for her trampy daughter's adopted baby and relegated Cassie to the front yard of her home where Cassie spent most of her days as a loner, her only friend a rag doll named Cindy. When two strangers showed up one day seeking to take Cassie away Millie handed the child over like so much unwanted garbage.

Where too are Dr. Olivia Winters and her son Nate? At a time when her niece is in deep crap why hasn't Olivia come forth to spew how tragic it is? Why isn't Nate concerned that his born years after he was cousin Lily Winters who is much older than he manages to get herself into so much trouble when the only thing Nate ever did that was wrong was to runaway from home with his father?

Why has Olivia not told Nate that the man selected as his role model, the man he became so enamored with he called "dad", and to this day thinks died in Africa, is not very much alive? Why has Malfunction Winters voiced little interest in seeing Nate? Why did he not follow through on a threat made to Olivia to see Nate only to let himself get stonewalled because Olivia said she didn't think the timing was right? When is the timing going to be right?

Why did Malfunction flee the city at a time dependent on him for moral support Lily needed him the most? Sure, he said he didn't want to make things more "complicated", but by leaving he did just that. Better yet, why hasn't Lily noticed Malfunction hasn't been around since returning from Los Angeles to face repercussions for her participation in the Romalotti crime spree?

These questions need to be answered if Lily's plight leads to an eventual prolonged stay in a detention center. Following her arrest this week it would seem a little time in the cooler would do this kid some good. That Lily is a spoiled brat was never so evident as it was Wednesday. How dare police detective Hank Weber place her under arrest? Didn't he know she only wanted to be sure Daniel is holding up well under adverse living conditions? Didn't Weber know too that's why she disguised herself, forged her name and gaining access to a government facility by false pretenses is not something rich kids should be shot for during these terroristic times? What crime, exactly, did Weber have in mind to charge her with, Lily wondered.

The crime, to quote Weber, was attempting to gain access to a penal institution by fraud and since Lily had committed said crime was and would stay under arrest.

Still hanging around the Genoa City Jail to see how her student of Effective Disguise School was faring, Phyllis Summers was stunned to see Lily being led off for her second booking in as many weeks. What the hell was Weber doing, she demanded. Didn't Hank know Lily's just a young girl who wanted to see her man? Where's the crime in that? "Why not cut her some slack," Phyllis seethed, so typical of the gated community types who think laws are written for the common peasants.

And again Hank lashed back as if somewhere along the line he'd found a brain laying in the road, picked up it, placed it in his skull and gul-dang if it didn't work! Given Phyllis' history with bad disguises he wasn't buying for a minute the lie Lily had laid on him that she thought up a way to get into the jail all by herself. So as to avoid telling the truth and consequently sticking Lily with the rap, Phyllis began spewing more of her Grade-A BS. She'd never do anything to jeopardize Daniel's future which explains why she was willing to help Daniel flee the country and would have had he not been captured.

Phyllis made another pathetic plea with Hank to no avail. Couldn't he see Lily was "scared to death"? Couldn't he give the little girl chance number 3,666?

Right on righteous as it was, God but what it wasn't the most satisfying realistic thing he's ever done, Hank said no way and warned he had a good mind to arrest Phyllis too!

That the day will go down in Genoa City history as one of the holiest this reporter can ever remember was not to be short lived either. Despite the best efforts of Neil Winters - who assumed his precious daughter would get another slap on the wrist for her persistent delinquency - Hank remanded Lily to a nice cell. Neil was livid. He forgot that only a few hours ago he himself had reminded Lily about the terms of her bail agreement. Yet here he was seemingly confused. Crime? What crime? Law? What law? Lily committed another crime? So what? Doesn't Hank know she's just a little girl? That she's a spoiled rich kid whom the "law has failed before" and this therefore gives those who've been failed an endless supply of Get Out of Jail Free cards?

Again Hank stood his ground. Neil could tell it to the judge or maybe Michael Baldwin if Lily's lawyer ever gets around to representing his client. Lily broke the law and until a judge hears her case she'll remain in custody.

God bless, Hank Weber! For once justice has been served.

Winters Teen Arrested (Again) !

July 26, 2005

In my 20 years of observing the people and events in Genoa City I've never fully understood most of what the elite living here do. I don't get how they can take off from work whenever they wish or hold down $50K+ jobs by showing up at the jobsite only once or twice per week. I do get that a lot of this has to do with nepotism and explains why people with little education or experience have some of the best jobs.

I find it absurd Sharon and Nick Newman own the local coffee shop, but because of their persistent personal problems don't actually run it. Their occasional showing up to cook the books a few years ago deteriorated into a situation where the minimum wage managers pretty much handled the day-to-day operation. Even then the day manager split town with little or no notice leaving the night manager holding the bag.

That isn't to say Malfunction Winters was any great loss. During the course of his short employment Malfunction spent more time off the job than on. During the on time he spent hours dealing with a niece who's really his daughter and when Lily Winters needed him most fled the city saying he didn't want to make a bad situation more complicated. And now, with Lily apparently facing jail time for her role in the Daniel Romalotti case, her mother is leaving town too!

It can't be helped. It must be asked again: what is wrong with these people? What mother, so loving and caring and concerned abandons her child during a crisis? Dru Winters, that's who. Oh sure, Dru says she doesn't "feel good" about leaving on a business trip. She says she could ask the boss to somebody else only her feeble minded husband says, "It can't be helped" and therefore she must go.

Where is this all-important place Dru is traveling to? An ad agency at some undisclosed location because there are no agencies in Genoa City capable of handling Dru's "baby" the all-new moved to the Fall 'Seasons' toxic cosmetics campaign. Only Dru can discuss ad strategies of which she has no knowledge. Only Dru's employer, Newman Enterprises, would not have an entire advertising staff promoting whatever other products the company sells.

Screw the fact their daughter is again in a world of hurt. Neil wants Dru to think of herself. He wants her to be "proud" the boss lady has put so much "faith" in her inabilities. More importantly Neil wants Dru to feel the power of being in control as money, control and power are really the only things that matter.

Dru knows this. She's aware both her kids are flirting with disaster, might next be seeing Lily through a plastic window and a crack-addicted Devon Hamilton stumbling around the park with his equally drug-induced biological mother, but it's all good so long as Neil keeps her updated from afar.

Both Neil and Dru know too Lily isn't about to change her evil ways. She told them as much this week. If another Daniel scenario were to present itself she'd do it all over. Ma and Pa can kiss her ass. They can stop telling her Daniel made her life a mess. They can stop saying Kevin Fisher messed her up. Lily does her own messing. She doesn't think going on the lam with Daniel and nearly getting herself arrested on a murder charge was wrong.

Lily does, however, apologize again for all the trouble she causes. $20,000+ SUV abandoned somewhere east of St. Louis? Could have died from an STD she contracted? No problem, folks. And Neil, the brown-nosing sap he is, profusely thanks Lily for her glossy concern. "It means a lot to us," he kowtowed, as Dru, lost in the fog, added, "I hope you've learned you lesson" even as Lily was telling her she's not going to stop caring for that white boy.

"Okay! It's getting late," bonehead Neil sputtered as if what he heard had gone in one ear and out the other and when he told Lily to ride with them to the airport did not object when she said no. Lily must know her parents are fools because she had no qualms telling them she was staying behind on the off-chance she'll get to communicate with Daniel.

Given her bail agreement specifically states no contact with Daniel Neil did think Lily's "crazy" yet he was easily snookered into thinking there's a difference between actually seeing Daniel and speaking with him on the phone as Lily said she was hoping to do. Describing him as a lame brain doesn't do Neil justice. What bozo would then order his daughter to "stay home" until he gets back knowing damm well said daughter never does what she's told? What helmet-head would then dutifully leave town with impending doom knocking at the door?

Dru and Neil Winters. That's who.

For as sure as bears crap in the woods it wasn't more than a split second later when Phyllis Summers appeared at the door with an offer to make Lily's wish come true. Since there's a sale at the tattoo parlor which doubles as a wig and disguise shop and who hasn't taken advantage of it in recent weeks, Phyllis arranged a red wig for Lily to wear topped off by the always-wearable wherever-Wal-Mart-like-fluorescent-lights-are-burning glasses so that certain police officers who've forgotten she'd only recently been booked wouldn't recognize Lily.

Because it's just so easy to fool the cops in this city, Phyllis, pretending to be Daniel's lawyer, had arranged earlier to have a "close" family friend added to the visitation list. And that person's name? Was it Romalotti or Summers or something similar so as to cast off the slightest suspicion?

Say hello to the very African-American Daisy Cooper. Yeah, baby. Ain't no racist white bigots in Genoa City. They all have close friends of the opposite racial background. So it was that Lily gained access to Daniel just so she could ask the burning question: "Is it scary in here?"

Gosh, Lily. Was being tossed into the back of a police car and hauled to the Los Angeles City Jail a joy ride? Have you forgotten so quickly the enjoyable experience of being fingerprinted and booked? You wouldn't know, of course, what that's like in Genoa City as you were chauffeured to the jail by your dimwitted daddy who really isn't your daddy, but that's another story.

Then there's Phyllis. So stupid as to hang around while Lily had a basically meaningless chat with her son, Phyllis got caught by police detective Hank Weber who, for once, thought her presence there was odd. His suspicions were heightened when she asked to see the much talked about police forensics report on Daniel's car which weeks later still isn't ready. That Phyllis wasn't there to see Daniel, that she had once worn a wig to gain access to Dominic Hughes and that familiar stink was filling the room left no doubt in Hank's mind she was up to no good.

A check of the visitors log confirmed what he already guessed. Weber walked into the visitors room, yanked the wig of Lily's thick head and placed her under arrest. It's about damm time too. This kid has all but gotten away with murder. Lily needs to be locked up and the key thrown away.

Romalotti Co-conspirator Remains Free After Bail Agreement Violation!

July 20, 2005

One has to wonder how out of touch with reality Neil and Dru Winters are. Why haven't they noticed the car they spent thousands for, the gas-guzzling SUV they gave their daughter as a reward for running Neil down, for having sex with Kevin Fisher and contracting an STD, isn't in the parking garage?

Ditched somewhere east of St. Louis, while she was aiding and abetting Daniel's getaway, Lily said the vehicle would eventually be found and returned to Genoa City much the way people drop found keys into a mailbox. If it was the Winters haven't mentioned it. They're too busy worrying about how Brad Carlton's employment at Newman Enterprises will affect their jobs there. One thing Dru knows for sure is that Brad's being onboard will "pick up the slack" which is not to say that if there's any slack to be picked up it won't be one of Newman's biggest slackers, Dru herself.

Apparently free on bail without having had attended a bail hearing the Winters are also so concerned with Lily's empty daily activity schedule Dru asked if Lily would like to spend the day at work with her. It wouldn't have been an unusual request had it been Mother/Daughter Day at Newman Enterprises and Lily was, say, ten years old.

But Lily ain't ten. She's a sexually active teenager. Oh sure, she doesn't get it on with Kevin Fisher anymore, but a child of four knows that whirring sound coming from her bedroom ain't the blender. She wants to sit around her parent's wooden box and wait until word comes down about what private forensics experts found after going over Daniel's totally wrecked car. Hired by the Bug, the experts are expected to find evidence overlooked by others to prove Daniel wasn't operating the vehicle in which Cassie Newman was riding prior to her death.

Told it could take "days" before she'll find out did not phase Lily. She'll wait. It was then Dru suggested Lily go play with some of her friends. Friends? What friends? Lily doesn't have any friends. The Oreo-eating Sierra NoLastName does not count especially since Sierra hasn't shown any interest in Lily since Colleen Carlton blew the pop stand months ago. Wouldn't a real friend have been calling the Winters' home day and night asking to speak with Lily? Wouldn't Sierra, the only person to remember Lily's adopted brother's birthday, be asking Devon Hamilton, "What's up with Lily?"

Were he not too busy stealing money from Dru's purse and meeting clandestinely with his crack-addicted mother wouldn't Devon be hanging out at the Newman Jitter Joint giving Sierra the latest news on Lily so that Sierra might at least give Lily a call?

Friends? The elite and their children in this city don't have friends. Daniel's another prime example. Where are his friends? Why aren't they visiting him in jail? Who were all those kids at the park the night Daniel was there drinking? What about Noah Newman's so-called friends? Those kids on his Little League team? Is Noah ashamed of them? Why are they never invited to the Newman ponderosa?

Lily says she can't see her friends while Daniel is in jail. Too much of an embarrassment, don't you know? The closest thing Lily has to a friend Neil can't pay Devon enough to take her to a movie. And then Neil wonders" "What's up with that kid?" To paraphrase, Dru replies, "Gosh Neil, don't you know? Aren't we just the tightest knit family you ever did see? Haven't you heard Devon is "dealing with some heavy stuff?"

Heavy? Bet your ass! Devon found his not biological or real mom. His "birth" mom! Neil's jaw drops. Gosh, Dru. How did he manage that? Easy my man. He went to the park one night and Yolanda Hamilton popped out of the bushes. Unfortunately Yolanda isn't a righteous alcoholic like you. She's a crack head. Ain't that sad? Whadda you think, Neil? Since we're rolling in dough do you think maybe we could pay for Yolanda's rehabilitation?

Oh look, here's comes Devon from Lily's room right now. He isn't Lily's friend after all! He's keeping his mother a secret from Lily and here all this time Lily thought "we were friends." Nope. Not since Lily didn't keep Devon abreast of what she was doing on the run with Daniel. Look! There's Neil stopping Devon on his way to another meeting with Yolanda. What's up little man?

Gosh, "Mrs. Winters" must have run her mouth. But you know, Neil, finding my real mother is just the greatest part of my short life. Yeah, I ripped some money so what's the problem? You guys are rich. Besides, my mother needs a fix.

Reaching behind him Neil pulled out a virtual flag. Waving it high above his empty head he rambled on how scuzzy addicts are. Enabling them doesn't help. They gotta want to be clean and sober and Neil should know. Ask that Olive Pit Bar waitress he slept with when he was crawling around at the bottom of a bottle. She'll tell you. Oh, did I mention there's a drug that can cure something like 90% of the addicts, but the government won't allow its disbursement to more than 2% of them? Why is that? Silly boy. Without addicts to point our fingers at and shun for being outcasts Lily wouldn't be able to tell her mother how "worried" she is that Daniel is locked up with all those "criminals" and Dru wouldn't be able to say Daniel should have thought about that before he drank and drove. Best of all, without addicts and whores and murderers roaming the streets, Genoa City wouldn't be the hypocritical capital of Wisconsin. To wit: within hours of being told that part of her bail agreement is that she stay away from Daniel Lily was on her way to the jail with Devon tagging along like a good puppy to see Daniel.

And lo, what a coincidence that as Lily was being told the terms of bail again by police detective Hank Weber and don't you ever do that again and again and again you naughty girl, Devon spotted his mother being booked presumably for pushing a shopping cart through the park. And damn, but what Devon didn't interfere with a police officer again just as Neil arrived to ask, "What's going on here?" and thereby proved the point he has no clue what his kids are up to.

Teen Terrorist Next Jabot Model?

June 9, 2005

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the world of the Genoa City teenager. Just when you thought it really couldn't get much weirder or more bloated with yet another twisted plot for our youth after the bitter onslaught of J.T. Hellstrom, Colleen Carlton, Mac Browning, Brittany Marsino, et al.

Just when you thought nothing could top the pathetic trend of consumers who buy toxic facial creams and hair lotions from Jabot Cosmetics, Rash & Sassy and the defunct Tuvia/Safra chemical companies, damn but what Jabot's new owner hasn't taken an interest in Jabot ads appearing in magazines and on TV and Katherine Sterling doesn't like what she sees.

Just when you thought you'd seen it all, now comes the news that Jabot needs a new fashion photographer. Nobody's quite sure who the old photographer was or if there's been one since Malfunction Winters went to Africa many years ago to die, to be brought back to life by AIDS infected tribal members and eventually stuck into the bottom of a banana boat and sent back to the USA.

Making his way back to Genoa City Winters said he didn't want to get back into the photography business even though he still owns Blade Bladeson's photo studio. Winters preferred instead to take a job wiping tables for minimum wage at the Newman Jitter Joint working his way up to low paid manager and next to join the long list of managers who quit for just that reason.

Of all the qualified photographers available Jabot CEO Jill Abbott decided this week there's only one good enough to take pretty pictures of girls sure to convince others to buy Jabot goop. That person was none other than Malfunction.

At first he declined. But later, when it became clear his daughter, um, niece, is in the process of ruining her life, Malfunction cut a deal with Jill. So long as she agreed to hire 17-year-old skin and bones Lily Winters he would return as Jabot's shutter bug.

This is true. This is happening now. And you may, at this point, think it's all cute and good and you might say, aww, how great is that, lonely lost teenage girl finds hope in fashion world. Soon Lily will be sharing secrets and diet tips and advice with her washed up fashion model mother. Isn't that just the coolest thing? Isn't that just the way of young, skinny girls in Genoa City, catching all the breaks while poor fat girls like Sierra NoLastName must be content to munch on Oreos?

Why, sure it is. It's all special and warm and funky until you learn, of course, Lily may have to change her name to Ana. Short for anorexia. Yessirree. Don't worry that Lily might get sent to prison for her aiding and abetting a fugitive from justice. Didn't the GCN report recently all Lily will get for her complicity is a good scolding? A slap on the wrist? If that?

This is not a joke. This is not a gimmick. Jill has made the deal. Not since Cricket Blair has Jabot been graced with such a coup. Super-skinny wispy Lily is female perfection personified. What's that you say? Lily doesn't have experience? She's never been to modeling school? Screw that. Lily's directly on her way to fame and fortune and then to Paris once the man she marries knocks her up and tries to keep her chained to the kitchen stove barefoot and pregnant.

It'll be more than just the usual bizarre mix of sexy photos shoots with her father and celebrity whoredom that'll make Lily want to appear completely bedraggled and expressionless and looking like a crack-addicted mannequin with bleached teeth. It'll be but another installment of the savage severe teenage summer loneliness of too many teens with nothing to do. Do you remember that feeling of Glow Worms hanging around the Abbott pool squeezing each others pimples and airing it 'live' via streaming video on the Internet? Remember how cosmetic sales soared?

Amplify that memory by 100, slap it on a Jabot marketing slogan and you've got teen model Lily Winters! It's a way to keep Lily in the limelight. A way for her to mature and grow. Barring any permanent damage to her face, say a blemish, Lily may even grow out of the savage self-abuse phase wherein she thinks life depends on a boy she's known only a few weeks. And to think, Lily has yet to graduate from high school.

Stand by Your Man

May 11, 2005

Try not to laugh. Try not to burst out in a fit of rolling on the floor holding your sides hilarity because it's just too freaking funny and - predictable.

Caught in car crash victim Cassie Newman's room at the God Have Mercy Medical Center on Wednesday Daniel Romalotti found himself being chastised by the young girl's father. Not so much for being at a place he was told to stay away from, but for upsetting Sharon Newman! God knows. Cameron Kirsten knows. If it's one thing the whole town should know by now it's not to upset Mrs. Newman. Why, she'll throw a hissy fit. She'll attack with sharp nails and threaten to kill.

The nerve of that boy, a smirky Nick Newman hissed as he called Daniel a "punk" and badgered him about what he's done to the precious Cassie. Doesn't Daniel know that Cassie is holding onto life by a thread? Does he not know of her serious injuries and what he's done to the entire Newman family? Is Daniel aware that the Newmans have had to take time out from their routine in-fighting to be at a Cassie's bedside hovering over her like flies on a dead horse?

Does Daniel not know they are "praying" Cassie survives and that God told them to keep on hating their enemies? Yes, goddamn it, Daniel is the cause of all that is wrong.

"I could just kill you for what you've done to our family," Sharon seethed just before lurching at Daniel and would have gladly killed him on the spot had dumb ass Nick not contained her.

Getting away from the madness by the skin of his teeth Daniel passed Victoria and young Noah Newman on their way in to give Noah the last rights. Cassie could die at any moment so this could very well have been Noah's final farewell. And what a happy occasion it was.

After presenting Cassie with a greeting card that looked something like a Devon Hamilton reject Jack Abbott strolled in and was immediately pounced on by Nick. What the hell was Jack doing there? Offering support? Nick didn't need no stinking support especially from a man once married to that punk's mother. Guilt by association, don't you know.

Stinking to high heaven after a night in the can Daniel finally made his way back to the ponderosa where his mother was engaged in another pointless conversation with mouthpiece Christine 'Bug' Blair. What? The Bug couldn't pull any strings with the prosecutor? Her son might be going to prison? Phyllis Summers slipped into another of her many bawling fits yet to come. She did not once, and the Bug didn't volunteer, ask where the proof is that her son was behind the wheel. Suffice it is that prosecutors everywhere are "cracking down" on those arrested for DUI.

"What are you telling me?" Phyllis sniffed.

"Are your ears clogged? Did you not hear a word of what I said," the Bug did not say, because you know, logical statements are not allowed in an illogic world.

But poor, poor Daniel. "He's just a child," Phyllis honked, as the Bug spewed legal mumbo-jumbo about kids becoming adults the moment they drink and drive. Where's the proof Daniel was driving? Don't ask. Don't tell.

Without so much as a trial, not that Daniel will get one, Phyllis suggested Daniel be locked up right now.

When Daniel walked in, asked where his "dad" is and hinted he may try to locate Danny Romalotti, the Bug told him to stay put.

"You'll only make things worse for yourself if you try leave," the critter cautioned so as to give the heads up that, like Kevin Fisher, Billy Abbott and Mac Browning, J.T. Hellstrom and Colleen Carlton and any number of other kids facing life's little bumps in the road, Daniel will consider going on the run.

As sure as there are dead bodies in Genoa City's sewer system damn but what Lily Winters didn't arrive later on her second $50 trip to the remote ponderosa. This, after returning to the Winters wooden box where her much concerned, where did Lily go after I told her to stay home, mother, Dru was nowhere to be seen.

And lo, it came to pass. Daniel confessed to Lily how scared he is. Yes, friends. Like everyone who steps in cow crap in this city Daniel's life is over. All it took was one "stupid mistake" although he doesn't quite know what it was. Is this what happens when one pickles one's brain in alcohol? God have mercy on his pathetic soul.

Only one thing to do. Run away! Where will Daniel go without a pot to pee in? Africa! Isn't that where all the walking dead go? If Africa is full he'll go to India. Maybe get a job there answering the phone calls from American Express card holders.

Lord, what is to become of them now? Them? Yes, them. Christ with a credit card itching to be charged, Lily wants to tag along! They'll get married - or something. Isn't that what a real friend would do in this time of need?

Sure 'nuff. Lily knows leaving would be "crazy" but she's prepared. She'll do anything. She'll stand by her man.

A Black & White Summer

April 12, 2005

Just in time for you to not care in the slightest and yet sort of smack yourself over the fact that you find it sort of fascinating and gossipy and cute even though you still hate it, comes the non-news that Mrs. Dru Winters - that evildoer who urged her sister to commit adultery and show Brad Carlton what a good "F___" is all about - doesn't want her disturbed daughter associating with Daniel Romalotti.

Mrs. Winters didn't say exactly what it is that nearly caused her to puke when she saw Daniel and Lily holding hands at the Newman Jitter Joint this week. "I do not want you interacting with this individual" she hacked at Lily, while at the same time instructed her jealous, adopted son Devon Hamilton to stay away from Romalotti too.

When Ms. Summers heard from her son that he'd been told to stop hanging out with Lily she agreed and like Mrs. Winters didn't say exactly why she doesn't want her long-haired and slightly greasy son associating with the Winters kid until much later when she worried that should Dru find out Daniel set Lily up to be raped he could go to jail.

It's such a hoot whenever people like Phyllis dredge of things from the past but can never remember how they went down. She has, apparently, forgotten that the police dropped the Winters attempted rape case of September 2004 and that she herself let bad guy Alex go scot-free. Rather than rehash those crazy events here read them for yourself. Scroll down to Home Invasion 2 then read upwards.

There are many reasons why two troubled teenaged kids shouldn't be petting each other much less in a public place. Today it was holding hands, tomorrow it'll be having sex on the front steps of a church. The primary reason Lily and Daniel shouldn't is because Devon seemed agitated Daniel might get some of his sister and he wouldn't. The secondary reason has to do with Lily's past of being an easy lay. The third and subsequent reasons are too numerous but suffice it is to mention there's no telling what diseases a boy who hasn't had intercourse with a woman is carrying given that Daniel once slept in a bed at Christine 'Bug' Blair's love bunker.

But look how shocked you aren't. Look how stunned you find yourself not to be. Yet this is the juicy news tidbit du jour. You may even find yourself wondering: is it a black and white thing? God knows the people in this mixed-up city are bigots and hypocrites and adulterers so why shouldn't they be racists? Why wouldn't they not want the races mixing when from their own experience they've seen the problems. They've seen the people who point their crooked fingers at two people from different backgrounds and cultures and skin pigmentations and squeal, oh my, how creepy it is and please Mr. Landlord/Home Owners Association don't let them move in here. Property rates will fall. Rents will rise. Heads will explode. If God had meant for blacks to live with whites he wouldn't have created Africa - or something.

It may be 2005, but the hated of blacks still thrives. It's out there in the shadows waiting to pounce. It's in the Environmental Protection Agency in the form of a project cooked up by some rich white dude who would test pesticides on 60 poor, Southern black kids in exchange for $900, clothing and a video camera.

But, you might be saying, it can't be a black/white thing with Summers. It wasn't so long ago she was letting that black stallion Damon Porter pork her and would have let that cotton picking Malcolm Winters nail her too until you remember: Dru has disliked Phyllis with a passion ever since Phyllis stuck her big white nose and large milky tits into family matters that were none of Phyllis' concern. Animosity on a scale like this is often fueled by deep-seated racist hate.

Oh sure, they won't admit it. Closet racists never do. They don't wear white sheets and burn crosses. Their kind sit back and fan the flames. "Say Mildred, did you see Marge come home the other night with a black man? She took him inside her apartment. Kept me up half the night with her moans and groans. Makes me sick. It ain't right, I tell ya."

Whatever isn't causing these women not to want their kids integrating there's one thing it is. It's a thinly veiled ploy to help push the purported Daniel/Lily/Damon love triangle which will cover the gambit of lovesick teen trials and tribulations much like the J.T. Hellstrom and Colleen Carlton affair which was so opposed by Brad Carlton and Traci Connelly but in the end saw Mr. Carlton give in, Mrs. Connelly not give a whit and J.T. dump the girl he claimed would be the only one he'd ever love.

So there you go. You know, another riveting tale to make your life, or that of your sons and daughters, seem hollow and plain. Which is to say, here's just another example of sanitized and entirely inverted Genoa City-style sexuality, stripped clean of all genuine stickiness and appreciation and re-packaged and marketed back to you as some sort of quirky, issue-oriented, mildly deviant, entirely hollow social behavior just in time for Summer.

Mishap of Misspent Sperm

March 24, 2005

Maybe it was all the confusion and the whispering and the sought after fake paternity test that caused Lily Winters not to know her biological father is really her uncle.

Maybe that explains why Lily appeared to have seen the writing on the wall when she said when Neil Winters was in the hospital that she knew something and that if Neil knew it could kill him.

Maybe it was wishful thinking on the part of this reporter when in a piece on trafficking in human misery it was reported that Lily knows the truth. This would have been the deduction a common person might have reached which is perhaps where I went wrong. These people, these family value preachers, are anything but common.

This then would explain why on Thursday Lily asked Malfunction Winters if he was promising there would be no more lies and Malfunction danced around the question without answering it. This explains why Lily said "I'm really confused" because, obviously, she isn't the only one.

Why then all the fuss over the paternity issue? Was it just so Malfunction and Dru Winters could find out if their incestuous affair had produced a monster? Was it so they could wave the family flag of happiness while at the same time conspire to keep the truth covered up?

Why does Lily still need to know from Malfunction what to tell Neil? Is it her place to tell him about the affair? Shouldn't she be demanding her mother or uncle do that? It's not like Neil doesn't know. He already gave the affair his blessing, but of course, Lily doesn't know that what with all the openness and honesty flying around.

And wouldn't a normal teenager be maybe thinking right after her uncle has told her "there is no use getting upset about something that happened between me and Dru before you were born" that there's more to this story than meets the eye? Shouldn't Lily be wondering: "Gosh. My uncle had sex with his brother's wife and then I was born. Doesn't that make Uncle my Pa?" Shouldn't it be Lily right now demanding a paternity test?

If Lily waits for Malfunction to be completely honest with her it'll be a cold day in Hell. She didn't grasp either the fact that Malfunction was trying to avoid the issue when he suggested she work at the Newman Jitter Joint. When incest and nepotism run in the family like it does it's perfectly understandable that Lily would want to impress her friends by slopping coffee and hash for minimum wage at the coffee shop her uncle manages.

And what about that time a few days ago Malfunction said he didn't want to see Lily? Silly, girl. He was, as Malfunction said correctly, "just being dumb". And what of Uncle's desire to have Lily close to him so that they can get to know each other better? Another dumb statement by the dumbest of this clan. Lily could be joined at Malfunction's hip but she may may never get to understand him.

What about Lily's feeling that she's not being told the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth and so help her Satan she still feels "betrayed"? What if she was Malfunction's kid? Well, hell, Lily. Would that be so bad? Would it be "the end of the world" Malfunction asked as he went on to say that no matter how Lily came into the world it doesn't change anything.

Easy for Malfunction to say given he knows little if anything about his parents. "Oh sure, Lily. I knocked your mother up. You're my kid. Don't worry. Be happy," Malfunction did not say, but he may as well have for all the good misleading Lily is doing. She knows something is wrong. She just can't figure it out. And yes, knowing that Malfunction is her father would change everything. It would tell Lily she was a mistake. A mishap of misspent sperm.

Trafficking in Human Misery

March 23, 2005

This is another of those I've said it, you've said it, everyone with a brain has said it.

Why must we put up with Lily Winters bawling and moaning when she flip-flips every other week? Depending on which way the wind blows determines Lily's position on the crisis of the week. When she found out a few days ago that her mother had sex with her uncle, that she was the product of that incestuous fling and that the man she's thought was her father all along isn't, Lily swore she'd never forgive Dru or Malfunction Winters for their betrayal. Yet for all the betrayal she went along with the plan to keep her paternity a secret from Neil Winters.

So as Lily slogs along in this classic act of hypocrisy what does she do next? Without money to pick up dinner for the clan she trotted right over to Dru's place of employment to get some. Assuming the persona of an adult the teenager praised mommy dearest on getting a three year employment contract given it was quite an accomplish for someone with no skills and no education.

"I'm so proud of you," Lily oozed before apologizing for her previously bad attitude which also changes depending on the moon cycle. As they smothered each other with a hug Dru reminded Lily that par for the course they had managed to get through their latest tragedy as they always do. Why they waste so much time and effort whining when they know the end result is anybody's guess, however.

Reaffirming that she loves mommy and mommy loves her and everything from now on is going to be peaches and cream, Lily later told Neil she'd rebuilt the burned bridge. Neil, of course, was giddy. His two most favorite girls are "back on track". Now, if only Lily would suck up to Malfunction, the one thing so important to so many, the thing they cling to and trample on at every opportunity, their family will be complete.

Without a hint of guilt, without a glimmer of conscience, Lily looked at Neil with a straight face. Yes, she'd try. She'd go along with the lie and by default become part of the resistance, an insurgent, a moral terrorist, a thief in the House of Winters Horror trafficking in human misery.

The Lie Will Live On

March 7, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

It's funny. No, really. It's hilarious that Neil Winters may never know that Lily is not his biological daughter, he may never know the truth and this tight-knit family may go to its grave living a lie much like the Abbott family. Because when you think about it this is the dark version of the black sheep Ashley Abbott Carlton story.

For all the talk on the importance of family Ashley goes right on letting old man John Abbott think she's his daughter as does Abbott's own son, Jack, and however many other members of this proud and deeply misguided bunch who know the truth do too.

Oh, it is fun to laugh. It is fun to mock and point and say, aww, how cute, those lost and weird freaks going on as if nothing has changed. They'll keep the secret safe for the sake of trying to live noble upstanding honest lives.

For this is what they do.

There she was Monday. Sniveling, carrying on and braying "this can't be happening" when Dru Winters was the one who brought it on. It was Dru Winters who slept with her brother-in-law and now can't understand how she got pregnant and even if she suspected Malfunction Winters was the father of her baby didn't want to believe it. Wanted to live in denial. Wanted to pretend Neil was the Pa.

Oh, how tragic it all is. The bond between Lily and Neil is so "sacred and beautiful" except of course for those times when it isn't. Lily worships Neil except for those times when she could have cared less if he lived or died.

What fun it is to chuckle as Malfunction says what a "beautiful girl" Lily is. How that "light in her eyes" burns a hole in his heart and he knew all along that something pulling him out of the cold African river was the sticky sperm that binds them.

Oh my God but what these people are pathetic and sick and disgusting like something found at the bottom of a shower drain.

And it's nice to think that for her whorish behavior Dru is now slapping Malfunction. Doesn't he care what this horror will do to his daughter and his brother? Didn't they know before opening the can of worms that it was ugly inside? Yeah, they did. But at the time they were thinking with their shriveled genitalia. Who can blame them? Look what happened? Didn't Neil turn out to be just the best papa a girl could ever want? Isn't what matters now is that the Winters name will go on?

Say what? Yes, this is the warped and drug-induced thinking. Malfunction sees what has happened as a gift from God. His seed is in that little girl. "Continuation" he called it. Like leaving a bit of himself behind so that more of his ilk might propagate and overpopulate the world.

Hush your mouth. If Neil finds out it'll kill him. That is, if riding with Lily in the SUV doesn't first. Who knows what it'll do to Lily given her sexual history. Not that Lily doesn't know. She knows and they know she knows. Or at least they should know Lily knows because she's all but told them she knows although if she spelled it out for Neil he still wouldn't get it.

Neil didn't pick up the vibe when Lily sprung him from the God Have Mercy Medical Center. He didn't grasp why Lily, once stuck on her Uncle like a toxic cancer, wants Malfunction far, far away from her. Lily's declaration that she wishes Malfunction never came home went right over Neil's flat head.

Gosh, little girl. Why so angry? Why are you telling me "leave this alone because you can't make it go away this time"? What is making you so upset, Lily? What aren't you telling me? Why am I not taking the hint when you say that things you thought to be true are really lies? Why am I like a sheep easily distracted when you say, "I want to be your little girl forever"?

Oh, never mind. Is Nick@Nite running a Fresh Prince of Bel Air marathon tonight? If we hurry we can get home in time to catch a few episodes.

None of what has happened over past few months matters. It doesn't matter that Malfunction is Lily's daddy because Dru decreed it so.

Neil is the father "in every way that matters," she said, so that's that. It's all you need to know. The lie will live on.

See Also: The Homecoming

The Chosen Ones

March 1, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

There's something creepy about a teenager treating his or her parents like children. There's something out of whack when Dru Winters dissolves into a bawling sack of crap and sinks to the floor in a pool of her own snot as her daughter screams she never wants to see her again because she had incestuous sex with Uncle Malfunction.

Alas, it was but episode number 3,941 of the endless whimpering Lily Winters saga this week on the great and beckoning highway that was thought to lead to the open-legged dead end wherein the sniveling little brat learns once and for all that the man she thinks is her Uncle is really Daddy.

No matter what these faux-Christians do, no matter how hard they lie, have icky sex and make absurd statements about the importance of family, the end result is always the same. More spiritual humiliation. More sadness, angry kids and crying adults.

With the much sought after for days DNA test result grasped firmly in her hand on Tuesday, Lily snarled at her mother to stop pretending. She knew damn well what that letter sticking out of seven get well cards like a story thumb really was. She knew there was a reason everyone and their brother had been looking around on a work day for an important package that must have been delivered into the wrong hands. She knew there was something amiss when everyone started treating her like the child she is. She'd known all along her Uncle and Mommy were hiding something and now she knew what.

She's Malfunction Winters daughter.

And if Uncle or Mommy couldn't fess up, for once in their tragic lives tell the truth, she'd run straight to Neil Winters and tell him as if daddy hadn't already blessed his brother's affair with his wife.

While Lily thought she knew the truth she didn't. Not really. Sure, she could read the big words medical lab on the letter, something about samples A and samples B, but she didn't understand the word paternity. They never mentioned that in biology class. Could paternity have something to do with birth? Is there some doubt as to who her father is? Somebody had better goddamn well start explaining or there would be hell to pay.

Does it really matter who her father is when this brat so easily throws away parents like soiled underwear? Does it matter that when Neil tried so desperately to bond with this kid she turned her nose up at him like a passing pedestrian turns his nose up at a beggar asking for change? Does it matter that Lily once wanted to live alone in Paris with Dr. Wesley Carter and didn't give a whit what happened to her mother?

Now here she is again making demands. Sliming her Mother and Uncle for having sex together. Wondering how a man like Malfunction can live with the lie that he "misunderstood" the signals Dru was sending him that night Dru was loaded to the gills on cold medication; wondering how any family member could have sex with his niece's mother.

In a miserable attempt to make incest sound as harmless as opening the wrong can of soup, Dru sputtered it was a simple case of putting slot A into slot B as the test results proved Malfunction isn't the proud papa.

Exhaling deeply Lily thanked God. Oh yes, she had to bring God into the humorless satanic hypocrisy. Now she can run to Neil and maybe ask if he'll take her away to Paris where they can live like righteous monks rid of the evil mommy which would, in a way, make up for when mommy ran away with her to France.

The hate and anger and vaginally devoid sex is sickening because not five minutes ago - it seems - this was the happy family that had just rescued the adopted puppy and all were going to live happily ever after - again.

And to show that what goes around comes around, that these people were destined from birth to lead miserable lives, damn but what Devon Hamilton wasn't at daddy Neil's side begging again for forgiveness. Putting down a copy of Cycling Magazine, like he's ever once plopped his ass on a motorcycle, or maybe needed a hog to get himself stimulated, Neil told the boy that what happened at the Zoo was all a bad dream. An accident that could have happened to anyone except that in their case it wasn't reported to the police or the insurance company which really would have been more interesting given what happens to people when DMV and the insurance companies find out.

Yes, daddy Neil wanted to see Devon again. Yes, accidents are part of life. They are no reason to blame anyone although it's a ritual to do just that in Genoa City. Don't worry, Devon. Be happy. And say, my man. "Keeping up with your studies?" Neil asked, perhaps to say he too has forgotten that Devon was suspended from school, or that consistency doesn't matter since once the paternity issue goes away they can say it doesn't matter since Devon got assignment notes each day from classmates and was therefore allowed to pick up school where he'd left off.

To say that weirdness was dripping over the city this day like a sick cat spits up green chucks of bile would be an understatement. For all the talk of peace and love and family damn but what Devon didn't refer to his new mother as "Mrs. Winters" like she was some evil matron at a level-12 detention facility for wayward boys.

Hacking like a priest at night alone in a boys dormitory, Neil told Devon that great times lay ahead. He and brother Malfunction are back on track and best of all Lily and Devon are "becoming brother and sister." This incestuous Freudian slip was of particular concern considering that in normal circumstances adopted kids Devon and Lily's age don't become anything beyond generic asexual family members. Which is not to say the clan is by any means normal.

Regardless of what Devon has done, Neil told him, like he told Lily, he couldn't be more proud of his "son" with whom he hopes to spend the "happy days" ahead.

Sadly, God's name came up again when father and son spoke of prayers and all that is Holy. Yes, my son. God has a plan for everyone. Sweet Jesus! If that's the case then too bad for the Winters clan. God has chosen them to represent everything that is in direction opposition to the Bible.

When Two Fathers are Better than One

February 21, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Talk about creepy. While just about her entire family was gathered Monday at Dr. Olivia Winters' cave and nobody thought to ask why Lily Winters wasn't in school, Lily was home looking at that - what a coincidence it just surfaced - Paris newspaper clipping of her mother and uncle "getting cozy" for the roving Paparazzi. Lily was thinking how odd that the story had hit the scandal sheets when her Uncle Malfunction had never gone out with mommy dearest. At least not between the time she'd aged from 8 to 15. Nor did she think that any paper would manufacture or spin stories to make them appear to be something they weren't when the doorbell rang.

Besides the fact that Daniel Romalotti was not in school this day, must have guessed that Lily wasn't either and that she'd be at home rather than the Newman Jitter Joint or at the hospital visiting her sick father, the long-hair took it upon himself to drop by. Earlier, in the course of injecting herself into the Winters' most personal family business and convincing couriers to hand over packages addressed to the clan, Daniel's mother had called to tell him all about poor Mr. Winters.

News of the tragic event so worried Daniel he had to know how the man was doing. Since going to the hospital would have made much more sense Daniel decided to track down Lily. The idiocy of his being at the Winters apartment out of the way Daniel was able to focus on the photos and newspaper clippings Lily was monkeying with. A collage for daddy? How nice. Who's the hot babe? Your mother? Wow!

"How'd Dru Winters go from being a "hottie" back then to a helmet-haired washed up model?" Daniel didn't ask because he didn't need to. The situation was already convoluted enough.

"Has your mother ever lied to you?" Lily asked out of the blue only to have her question answered with a question. Was Mommy Dru telling stories again? Lily wasn't sure. She wasn't sure about a lot of things, like having her mouth swabbed thinking it a precautionary tactic used by all parents. Still, the more Lily strained her brain the more things didn't add up. Why are her mother and Uncle Malfunction acting so weird?

Daniel had no idea. Why was Lily asking him? Why didn't she go to the horse's mouth? In this case the heifer, his mother. Didn't Lily know as he did that Phyllis Summers and Malfunction were "pretty close" once upon a time?

Speak of the devil, Malfunction arrived right about then to ask Lily "what's shaking" and perhaps hoped she'd say "my ass" so that he could shag another member of the clan. But since Daniel was there the conversation switched to the missing package.

Had Lily seen it? Had it been delivered to the Winters' wooden box by mistake when it should have been delivered to the Winters' cave? Could the UPS guy or courier have dropped a packed requiring a signature at the wrong place?

Told no, Malfunction noticed the collage, burped how his brother would appreciate that Lily had taken the time to make it, but didn't see the clipping or notice that Lily wasn't in school as it was, apparently, past noon when all schools in the city close for the day.

So while Malfunction's main purpose for dropping by was to check on a package, hadn't gone into great detail as to what was in the package or why he was so anxious to get it and left without further word, Lily took this to mean something was being kept from her. Wouldn't a normal family member tell a teenager who rarely if ever receives mail that the package contains DNA test results that were none of her business so as to pique her interest? Aren't all Genoa City kids supposed to be kept abreast of their adult relatives every move?

Yep, there's something very secretive going on, Lily surmised. Only one thing for her to do. Go see Ms. Summers thereby dragging this nonsense out a little longer, keep the heads shaking and the family fearful.

A blind person could see where this was going when Summers arrived at the hospital with the test results. Not one to open such sensitive - not to mention stolen - in an abandoned parking lot or a stall in the ladies room for Christ's sake, Summers opened the package right outside Mr. Winters room, read the cover sheet, took the sealed envelope, gave the trash to a nurse to toss away then stashed the envelope inside her coat before walking in to ask Mr. Winters how he was feeling.

"Like I got hit by a bus. Fortunately it was only" a 60-thousand pound gas-guzzling SUV and wasn't that so funny, ha, ha, a philosophizing Winters said, noting that life is short so one must find humor where one can.

No stranger to bad jokes Summers mentioned that the gang at work misses the big lug and their humorous happy-go-lucky boss. Winters was skeptical. If indeed Summers had been at the office for anything other than to check the mail since murder charges against her had been dropped it was to participate in the sex orgies going on in his absence. Summers assured the boss man, not to be confused with the interchangeable boss lady, that the drones were "keeping their noses to the grindstone" and toeing the company line.

This snickering remark caused Winters to perk up. Why then wasn't Summers on the job? Who gave her permission to go traipsing around the city on personal errands?

"I came here on my own because I care about you," Summers oozed, then as all good employees do leaned over to give the boss a kiss. That's when the envelope fell out of her pocket and onto Winters' death bed. Imagine that? Imagine Summers being so careless?

Without a vivid imagination three quarters of the crap that passes for drama in this city cannot be believed. It can't be that Mr. Winters would grab the envelope and notice it's addressed to his wife. It can't be any number of possible scenarios as it seems Lily is destined to get her hands on the envelope first so that maybe she can run away or fret for weeks over the meaning of it all. Then, after much blame has been hurled, Lily forgives everyone by saying she's so lucky to have two fathers. You think?

A Chat with God

February 16, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

God. Great doer of all that ever was and is and will be everywhere for all time. Hey, Lily Winters here. We have to talk.

Weirdest thing. I've been fighting this nasty rash, you see, this itchy painful scabby thing, very unusual, uncomfortable and annoying as all hell. My mouth tastes funny too. I haven't been like this since, oh, my daddy was on the sauce or I was nearly raped, or the Salem witch trials. So weird.

But I think I've figured it out cause, Lord. Turns out it's my daddy again. Yes. Don't let the constant chatter fool you, my Dad is clinging to life. You feel it?

Let's get to the point. People are telling me to pray. They say behind my back that I'm in need of a divine spanking. They got all uptight when I mentioned my Uncle Malcolm's blood couldn't be the same as mine. No, silly. I don't mean the color. The type. I think mine is B. Then again, it could be A like my mom's, but not O like Uncle's. If it is O wouldn't that mean my Uncle is my Daddy? Wouldn't that mean my mother slept with my uncle?

I'm so confused, Lord. You really think this is gonna get out? I mean, if Phyllis Summers knows how long will it be until the whole city knows? Won't that be terrible? Won't people point their fingers at me and snicker and call me a bastard? Can girls be bastards, Lord?

What's bothering me God is, well, I'm wondering: Will Devon still be my brother? And if Neil, um, my Pa isn't my Pa does that make him my Uncle? And if Pa dies will that remove the silver spoon from my mouth? You know uncle Malcolm is just a lowly coffee shop manager. What if I need another digital camera or a laptop. Uncle is so strapped for cash he has to live with my Aunt. Say, God? If Uncle is my Pa what would that make Aunt Olivia if they get married again? Would my Ma, Dru, God, she is my Ma isn't she, become my Aunt and my Aunt my Ma?

Yeah, God. It's confusing as Hell. I know, I know. They never think of these things when they're out there fornicating and committing incest.

Problem is, Jesus is a little pissed. He's right here with me. No, really. Mommy told me when she taught me how to pray that I can conjure up your son if need be. I had to come to You because this problem is more than Jesus can handle and he's drumming his fingers on the cross, eyes aflame. He's upset, God. He wonders how the heck you could have let these grown adults get in such a mess. Did you not tell them the part about 'Thou shalt not commit adultery'?

How dare you let them stomp around like hardcore evangelical Christian missionaries? What's with all the sudden preaching and praying? Whoa. You hear that? That singing? That gorgeous, overwhelming sound, like an ocean roar? That's Devon. He must be praying too, Lord. Ma, Dru, showed him how.

So let me get this straight: Are you gonna fix this mess? That's what they told me. They said that if I pray Daddy, um, Neil will live. Know what? I'm not so sure that's a good thing. If Neil, I mean my daddy, lives all Hell will break out if I'm not his daughter. I want to be his daughter, but as you know Lord, I've got this thing for Malcolm too.

Wow. These are some of the most powerful and divine forces we've ever faced as a family. Don't you think? God? You still there? I know, you must be sad and appalled and sickened by all this lusting and making illegitimate babies, but think about it. Isn't this moral slaughtering in the name of some martyrdom interesting?

My Dad, Neil, says it's a journey, to find the self. See what you're really made of, divinely speaking. Because there are lots of doubts right now around these parts. Look at that paunchy guy quietly sipping herbal tea and reading and playing with a samurai sword. He professed to be nonviolent, look what happened to him. Then there's that bitch, Phyllis. Said not so long ago how righteous she is. Look what she's doing now. Poking her nose in our business. You call that righteous?

Yes, God. I've heard you say that peace is always harder than rage. Smashing and destroying families is always easier, but this is Genoa City. The last refuge of the small-minded and the lost. No matter how many crisis we go through we just don't get it. We never change our evil ways.

How 'bout it, God? Will you keep Neil, my Pa, my Uncle, whatever, alive? I promise. Here, let me grab this book. I swear on this, let me turn it right side up. The Bible. I swear on this here Bible. If you make all this go away I'll pray so hard to you every night. Whadda say, Lord. Do we have a deal?

Just a Routine Day in Genoa City

January 28, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Step away from it all for a short period of time. Break away from the idiocy of Phyllis Summers taking credit for getting all criminal charges against Damon Porter and herself dropped, back off in horror as the police tell Bobby Marsino a through investigation into the bones thought to be Joshua Casein will be required before Marsino can have the bones only to have police detective Hank Weber just handing the bones over in frustration, and ask yourself:

When was the last time your parents or caregivers swabbed your mouth?

It dawns on you rather suddenly, especially if like Lily Winters you don't have a cold or any sign of a medical malady, why, never! Sure, there was that time when you were hacking up green stuff and swallowing butter by the pound to keep your sore throat soothed and those responsible for your wellbeing finally got tired of hearing that whooping cough and took you to the doctor who, asking you to open wide, stuck a stick so far into your mouth you gagged as he scraped something off your throat.

But have you ever in your lifetime heard anything so stupid as what Lily Winters told her mother this week?

"I know you got a swab of saliva from me last night."

Saliva? Do kids Lily's age know the meaning of saliva? Don't they say spit? Wouldn't a normal kid pretending to be asleep in her room and feeling her mother stick something in her mouth bolt from the bed and scream what the hell are you doing?

Not in Genoa City. Not where the pressures of not knowing why your Uncle is acting so sad and your mother gets all hysteric whenever Uncle's name is mentioned are so overwhelming that you grasp any chance to have fun. Oh boy! Mommy is sneaking into my room. I'll just pretend to be asleep. Wouldn't want to spoil Mommy's fun. Eww! What's that she's doing? Sticking a cotton swab in my mouth? Yum. Tastes like Johnson & Johnson.

Wouldn't you be appalled? Saddened? Blackened to the bone? Wouldn't you maybe think something very odd is going on and you've seen a hundred times on those Who's-Your-Daddy themed talk shows the lab techs taking DNA samples out of the mouths of poor ignorant saps who've waived off the humiliation of appearing on national TV to be called deadbeat dads?

Would you later tell your mother not to worry? Tell her you knew what she was doing but didn't scream and holler because you didn't want to spoil her fun and that it's okay, you don't have strep throat or any medical problems except for the occasional nightmare psychiatrists would undoubtedly say are a natural phenomena associated with living in Genoa City and is inherent in that cousin Nate Hastings often had nightmares and mommy-dearest had one only hours ago?

And if you were the busted parent would you ask your son or daughter why they hadn't screamed? Hadn't asked what the F or that you'd only creeped into daughter's bedroom to steal some DNA because it's better to be safe than sorry? That you never can tell when Rapid Aging Disease or mysterious and rare anomalies curable only by miracle might strike?

But you are not naive. You are not stupid. You realize this is essentially the same as it ever was. Mommy swipes DNA from wide-awake child who takes it all with a grain of salt. Just another routine day in Genoa City.

Now, to save space and time, replace the name Lily Winters with Daniel Romalotti. Replace stolen DNA with lessons on staying in touch taught to the white boy by a black man because white boy wasn't under his white mother's feet every step of the way while mother was trekking around the city disguised as a reporter. Thusly, said white kid needs to learn to spend more time with said black man because kid has become a "replacement" for black man's dead son.

Freaky? Strange? Make your skin crawl? No, it's just another routine day in Genoa City.

The Next Mystery Baby

January 13, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Imagine what it must be like living the safe as a cocoon upper-class all-American consumer-happy life where to pass the time people are so bored they must reorganize their CD/DVD collections?

Welcome to Genoa City.

Welcome to the Winters family wooden box where Mrs. Neil Winters and her daughter this week flipped through dusty CDs they've never listened to but purchased thinking one day they might.

The soundtrack from the opera they attended in person. The Supremes Greatest Hits. The one hit single, "Rock On" by local boy Danny Romalotti. The Hip Hop trash adopted puppy Devon Hamilton brought with him from the group home. Yes, filing all those CDs alphabetically will make it so much easier for the Winters just the right music to fit their many moods provided they can agree that titles beginning with 'The' should not be filed under T.

Pawing through the plastic jewel cases one with particular meaning jumped out at Mrs. Winters.

"You Are My Starship" reminded Winters of that special day in time when her husband and she played Go Fish with family members Malcolm and Olivia and all were moved to go dancing. Boy, that Olivia could sure shake her booty.

Maybe this, then, was what caused Lily Winters to wonder. Why had two brothers married two sisters and had mommy been slightly jarred when brother-in-law Malfunction Winters married his sister-in-law? Wasn't it a bit "unusual", the teen asked, and might have asked too which marriage had come first? The one to Neil Winters or the one to Olivia Winters? Had Olivia been pining away in the closet lusting after her sister's man? Had Mommy later lusted after Olivia's man? Had either ever told the other to show Brad Carlton what a good 'F' really is and teach him that once white boys go black they never go back?

Is there a program or a roadmap one can follow to see how many men and how many sacks the Winters sisters have jumped in and on?

Of course it makes sense that a suppressed hormonal young girl would want to know these things. Of course it makes sense that Mrs. Winters had so little commentary because, well, what can she say beyond having known Neil first? How he kept her barefoot and pregnant and chained to the kitchen stove? How he didn't want his woman having a career and she rebelled by taking his "Boo Boo Bear" and fled to Paris?

Lily's inquisitiveness about the family tree might have seemed normal until in the blink of an eye it turned dysfunctional. What she really wanted to know, the one thing that would make her feel slightly less helpless and disoriented and give life meaning was whether Uncle Malfunction was as "cool" back then as he is now.

"He invented the word cool," Mrs. Winters oozed, adding that whenever the charred and black little nub of a human entered a room all eyes were upon him. The girls would get in line "behind me of course" she actually said which was just so weird, or maybe not, given the Winters sister's man-swapping history.

And then Dru closed her big yap. And lightning, shockingly, did not strike her dead.

The Winters family disaster, it just is. We stare at it and see the devastation and feel a deep relief that we aren't part of it. We are touched on some primitive level when Lily adds a footnote. All she needs to know is what makes Uncle Malfunction tick. Instinct kicks in. Hearkens us back to the beginnings of time when all God's children gave up their teen years in exchange for lifting sad uncles up out of the darkness.

If Lily is really interested in knowing what makes Malfunction tick she might ask God how He let this happen? Isn't God some sort of bearded puppeteer wreaking miracles across Genoa City? Why can't He make Malfunction happy and people look up to him as some divine sex toy like before?

Primeval comes to mind to describe the tragedy that only seems to point up the fact that we know far less than we think we know about how the Winters family works and even less about why we have to witness it.

And what's worse, there's not a damn thing we can do about it all, except get slapped, again, with the fact that it's up to Lily to bring Malfunction back to the light. Therefore, this slippery insanity, this obtaining blood testing kits from the Internet, this alphabetical sorting of CDs has everything to do with milking this crazy circus for all it's worthlessness to the next level, the next life in Africa, the next mystery baby.