2005 News Archives
Mac Browning
See also: Kevin Fisher

Pillow Talk

December 16, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

CAUTION: May be too intense for some readers.

Now that they've officially moved into the Sugar Shack and into what they call "our" bedroom - although nobody can recall that J.T. Hellstrom and Mac Browning ever shared a bedroom before - there can be no doubt the bed springs are gonna be creaking in the nights and days ahead since all the two lust monkeys have to do is screw the time away.

Like the Baldwin/Fenmore wedding, the move went pretty much without a hitch. With no warning that the love bunker he shares with Scotty Grainger was about to be invaded, Kevin Fisher voiced no objection when he found the monkeys had already made themselves to home apparently because he knew, and kinda looked forward to, the day would, um, come when the remaining room of the 3-bedroom shack would be occupied. If it could be called such, the only glitch to the move came when Mac realized she'd forgotten her sleepy pillow.

"She won't sleep a wink without it," Ether Valentine squawked when she discovered her employer's granddaughter had left the pillow behind and at about the same time Mac noticed too that the pillow was missing so she made a beeline back to Chancellor mausoleum to fetch it.

It was good thing too. For if J.T. had known Mac's head wasn't on her favorite pillow while he bangs the stuffing out of her he may have had to sing a love song which might have gone something like this:

Get me the pillow that you dream on.
Don't you know that I have always had the hots for you?
Get me the pillow that you dream on,
So Mackie, I can dream on it, too.

Each night while we're getting it on I'm oh, so lonely,
I'll give you my love potions just like those once meant only for Colleen.
Get me the pillow that you drool on,
So Mackie, I can drool on it, too.

I've waited so long for you to have me,
I've said that Colleen was all that would be true.
Now that she's gone I'm so horny,
So get me the pillow that you cream on, so Mackie, I can cream on it, too.

Addendum: Forgive me dear readers, I just couldn't resist. I kept thinking: where's that pillow been and would I want it anywhere near me if, say, I was sleeping with Mac?

Don't Get Burned!

April 22, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Oh my yes. What whimpering, unadulterated embarrassment it must be having hot water spilled on your tepid thigh and not having to worry about doing what the common person would do in such an event. How nice it must be not having to break out a tube of Cool Your Ass Ointment, smearing it over your burn, and letting nature run its course.

When you're a member of the elite faction in Genoa City you don't need to think following such accidents. You don't need to quickly calculate in your mind whether you've used up the $1,000 health insurance deductible or consider trying to get an appointment with the family doctor. Hell, you don't even need insurance. Or a job. All you need is a rich relative who, in this town, are the ones apparently paying for all the otherwise free medical care dispensed at the God Have Mercy Medical Center unless, that is, you happen to be Bobby Marsino in which case the collectors will be hounding you long before you've missed the first payment.

When you are, say, Mac Browning and the hunkmonkey you live with is such a bumbling jerk he's not paying attention and has spilled scalding water on you there's really only one thing to do. Moan and groan. Whine how much it hurts. Let J.T. Hellstrom take you to the emergency room just to appease his guilty conscience.

That's exactly what Browning did late this week. She even let the hunkmonkey carry her into GHM as if she couldn't walk on your own. It made for a great dog and pony show as J.T. yapped not wanting Mac to walk as if walking would in any way make the burn better or worse. It made for a good laugh as J.T. asked Mac if she needed anything before he went off to get help as everyone is pretty much aware there are no reception desks or check-in counters for incoming patients to announce their arrival.

And because everyday burns - such as the one Mac received and who said she was "fine" the moment J.T. put her down - can be life threatening, J.T. paced the floor and wondered what was taking the doctors so long to respond. It's not like they had gunshot victims or old men who've fallen down stairs and stuck themselves with letter openers to patch up. Damn it all. Didn't the doctors know Mac was clinging to life?

Then, as is so typical of just about anything that happens to these elitist pigs, J.T. had to play a round of blame game. How tragic it was. How it was his fault for spilling boiling water when a child of four knows better.

Lord have mercy it was Mac's lucky day. Pulling ER duty as usual when she's barely capable of being a general practitioner, Dr. Olivia 'The Butcher' Winters slithered forth to say she'd heard the bad news. Was Mac feeling any pain? No? Not right then? The pain had long passed and what the hell was Mac doing there taking up valuable time better spent on more needy patients?

"I'm glad you came in," the butcher actually said.

Glad she came in? Would this be like she's glad Mac came to the party? What the hell kind of remark was that? Of course she's glad. The more the merrier. The more money she and the GHM make.

To her credit Dr. Winters did have a good medical tid-bit to share. Dumb as they are it's a good thing Mac or J.T. didn't apply butter to the burn. Incredibly, far too many burn victims do. They've seen butter work on TV so they try it themselves only to discover it makes things worse. Never, ever put butter on a burn.

After a brief inspection Mac was sent home. Just like that the emergency was over. Just like that Mac will never see the massive bill hospitals send out to the common people. She will not see the endless list of charges for such things as $10 Band-Aids or the $500 fee just to walk through the door.

This is general sentiment, the snickering attitude hissing from the rich like hot spittle spraying all over your nuanced perspective. Got a hangnail? Do not call your personal physician. Quick! Off to the ER you go. Support the high cost of medical care. Don't get burned!

Do As We Say, Not As We Do

March 25, 2005

When Lily Winters was trolling the Internet looking for love how many times did the message go out that this practice was dangerous and probably something only evildoers do? Who can forget that Dru Winters went so far as to warn the public at large to be very, very careful when surfing the World Wide Web?

It goes without saying: Anyone with a functioning brain knows better than to hookup with strange people they've never seen in person. Why then did Mac Browning late this week summon her granny to the downtown Sugar Shack to suggest this very thing as a means to solve Katherine Sterling's starved love life?

Moreover, what business is it of Mac's? Why are so many people sticking their noses into matters that are none of their concern when they can't solve their own problems? It's not like the young, freakish Mac has men swarming at her feet. It's not like she's given a crap about what's happening in the old woman's life prior to this appalling notion that love is so hard to come by it must be sought after on the Internet.

If Mac really cares for Katherine she would have gotten off her fat ass and stopped by the Chancellor Mausoleum instead of summoning granny to the seedier side of town. Katherine is old. Old people don't like bouncing around town like there's no tomorrow because in Katherine's case there may be no tomorrow. She's not one of these poor/rich girls like Brittany Marsino who bounce around pregnant and just when it looks like they may have to drain the welfare system dry sign leases for fancy apartments in Chicago only to chuck the lease in exchange for one in Genoa City when supposedly she and her un-Christian, gangsta-like hubby came up with all this money.

Oh yes! When Katherine got Mac's summons it "sounded very urgent" because they always are. It's always something of such urgency it can't be discussed on the telephone or in email. The respondents must drop what they're doing and rush right over to find out what the petitioners want.

In this particular case the pushing 80 if she's a day Katherine had gone out to purchase special garb for the meeting. A little something to make her look "springy" and, as Mac surmised, made her look "ten years" younger as if looking 70 would invigorate her frail mental state.

Mac was "excited" at the prospect of trolling for strange men but before dumping the idiotic plan on granny wanted to be sure Katherine had a "open" and probably a liberal mind as no conservative in their right mind has sex much less look for it online.

To show how plugged in and hip she is, Mac said she'd been surfing the net the night before and had "bookmarked" a sight she'd come across called "silverharmony.net." which does not exist and should not be confused with the real harmony.com where sad people in need of dates can hookup.

As if speaking with a child of twelve about the birds and the bees Mac sunk to a condescending level never before reached in Genoa City as she read off the website's slogan, "Meeting the love of your life at the best time in your life."

Based on her body language Katherine must have thought she was about to see streaming video of naked men and women having sex until Mac blurt out it was only "online dating ... for people over 60". So what did granny think about it?

Katherine was appalled. Trolling for a date? She hasn't had sex since Arthur Hendricks left town months ago but that doesn't mean she was hard up. To quell the bad taste in Katherine's mouth Mac said she'd already picked out a nice "so hot for his age" stud for her named Chester.

A retired doctor from Milwaukee, Chester's interest include fine dining, horseback riding, ballroom dancing and having sex with young boys. Oops! Wrong Chester.

Katherine gagged. Surely this Internet stuff was some sort of flaming pagan sorcery. If she wanted to copulate and get sodomized by strangers with strange phallic-shaped devices she'd do it in the privacy of her own home, thank you.

Mac knew she was right. She knew granny misses Arthur, but according to her schedule it's time for Katherine to get over it and find another man - or woman - or something - to keep her warm at night. If Katherine didn't want to troll the net why, hell, they could maybe go down to the Olive Pit Bar.

What the hell is this city coming to? And where, pray tell, does a self-righteous, sex-less girl get off telling an older, more wiser woman that the memories of dead husbands and former lovers should be cast aside like so much toxic landfill?

Third Time's the Charm!

March 25, 2005
by Michael Kelly

Those GCN readers who always believed as I did that Mac Browning was a starchy, sullen downer and a waste of human flesh who was saddled with the personality of a gnat's bowel movement may be in for a delightful surprise once they tune in Y&R and discover that a promising actress named Rachel Kimsey has assumed the role Ashley Bashioum created in 1999.

Kimsey's Mac is yet another stranger in a familiar role as Genoa City seems poised to change its name to Recastville and once and for all annihilate Y&R's long held reputation as the soap with the least cast turnover.

Little more than two months ago, viewers encountered a new Gloria Abbott when Judith Chapman took up where her predecessor Joan Van Ark - who fit the role of Gloria like a glove - left off. I openly resented Chapman because she seemed to be slumming it because she looked too young to have a son who's 40 if he's a day and she also possessed an overly sophisticated air to believably portray a former piece of poor white trash.

Fortunately, Chapman wowed this incorrigible cynic just the other day when Gloria tearfully confided in step-daughter Ashley Carlton about what a poor excuse for a mother she had been for failing to protect her sons from their abusive fathers. Bravo, Ms. Chapman for delivering a gut wrenching, no punches pulled performance. Let's also thank the writers for finally easing her transition into the role by delving into Gloria's too long ignored ugly history.

However, Chapman's recent triumph came about just as viewers had to endure the torturous debut of Amelia Heinle, who is the undeserving recipient of the mega-popular Victoria Newman character created by the immensely talented Heather Tom. To say that her performances have been so underwhelming, so half-assed and so humdrum this non-entity doesn't deserve to be called Victoria is to be kind.

It's now less than a week after Heinle's first airdate and viewers' heads are likely to spin if they haven't read the GCN and are therefore prepared to see a new face as Y&R's announcer drones that Kimsey is the now Mac. But that doesn't mean y'all won't like her. In fact, I happen to think Kimsey displayed more energy, charm and personality during her first two minutes of screen time than Bashioum managed to flaunt throughout her entire 4 year (1999-2002; 2004-05) stint.

Not only that but Ms. Kimsey and her TV grandmother Jeanne Cooper (Katherine Chancellor) clicked immediately and gave the impression they've gotten along famously for years. Kimsey's Mac is also quite attractive but in a suitably wholesome and understated way.

Unlike Bashioum, the corners of Kimsey's mouth don't constantly droop into an unbecoming frown. Unlike Bashoioum, (and Kelly Kruger, the second Mac) Kimsey's voice isn't the snooze inducing monotone type. Unlike Kruger, Ms. Kimsey doesn't look like a ferret. These are more than enough reasons to welcome Ms. Kinsey to Genoa City.

It needs to be mentioned however that while I appreciate Mac spending some time with Katherine for a change (during the year Bashioum's Mac had returned to town, she spent little more than 10 minutes with the old woman), I certainly hope this new Mac will have more constructive things to do than logging on to a site that may as well be called Grab-A-Geezer.com to find a surgeon beau (who, if he's in the same age range as her older than dirt granny he should have retired decades ago) for the dotty dowager to spend what precious little is left of her golden years with.

That's a minor quibble though because where Mac Browning is concerned, the third one seems to be the charm.