September 29, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

So now we know. This is how far the brown-nosing Neil Winters has to crumble and this is how big wig corporate executives flip back and forth between Jabot Cosmetics and Newman Enterprises like these are the only two companies in a city thought to be the business hub of the Mid-West if not the world.

Like Phyllis Summers, who begged Victor Newman on at least two occasions to take her back only to quit NE again without notice, Neil Winters is talking about leaving the company again too. As this report was being prepared it wasn't exactly clear why Neil wanted to quit when just last Christmas he needed the money the job provides to cover his lavish lifestyle, that of his wife and two children Neil says are college-bound. Maybe it's that former Jabot employee Brad Carlton is now working at, and owns stock in the company when for all his years of devotion, Neil has never been afforded that prestige. Maybe Neil sees the hypocrisy of being told by Newman he's like a member of the family, but gets treated mostly like a slave.

Maybe Neil knows it won't be long until CEO Victoria Newman and Brad will be humping on office desks. There is something incestuous about a man who nearly married into the Newman family and a girl who would have been Brad's step-daughter, to now be screwing her. Sure, Brad and Victoria haven't left their body fluids on the sofas or the desks yet, desks they later eat off without washing their hands, but it's coming.

So where will Neil go? Will he, like last year, take a few months off to clear his empty head, or will he go directly to Jabot where former NE employees now work and where his nepotistic wife once worked? How interesting is it that the misinformed and poorly-educated executives bouncing around from employer to employer they normally despise like a kid hates spinach, and whom normally think are lower than a snake's belly in a mud puddle, keep repeating the same mistake? If Neil must go somewhere why can't he go to Hell? Seriously, why not go into business for himself? Why not be like Paul Williams?

As a private eye who also operates a major alarm company, Williams doesn't work out of a giant high-rise. He doesn't have an endless supply of employees to recycle or have to deal with managers calling from London at all hours. Williams doesn't have a payroll to manage. The one person he pays under the table is but a helper who takes odd jobs when he isn't going to college, taking down the Mob or pretending to be the father of some troubled woman's baby. Williams' overhead is so low his office consists of a broom closet inside a law office.

Should Neil decide to open his own cosmetics firm it's hoped he'll hire well-trained scientists with genuine university degrees and who can do all that complex math and research and other stuff his current boss hates the way Dru Winters hates polysyllabic words. Neil's new company might even prepare ad campaigns long before its products hit the market and said products are in stock and FDA approved. Neil might also be ready when those damnable product designers and spokesgeeks march into his office with bad news of some upcoming lethal storm conjured up by the competition well before he has to wake up and scowl and pretend to care, lest some new employee has engaged in a conflict of interest in spite of his own incompetence for hiring employees without checking their backgrounds.

Can you imagine that? Imagine Neil running a company where the employees aren't related to or having sex with the enemy? Imagine a company where there's no in-fighting or back-stabbing? Where Neil actually sits his ass down and listens as some marketing expert tells him to forget depending on a website for profits? A company that doesn't reject common sense the ways cats reject water?

At press time Neil confirmed some of the speculation. He doesn't like that Brad got NE stock. He doesn't like being passed over. He doesn't buy Dru's assumption that Victor made the deal so as to get closer to his biological daughter Brad is raising. "Victor doesn't mix business with personal concerns," Neil said. Plus, there's the Seasons product Neil says is being rushed to market before it's ready. A rush Neil approved. He did say too he wants to quit and do something else until Dru reminded him they've got a rich lifestyle to support. That doesn't mean Neil won't up and quit without having a pot to pee in. He did it before and things turned out fine. Without Neil's income the family grumbled about having to cut back on lobster and switching from butter to margarine, but they never once got a call from the bill collector. They never worried about losing health insurance or auto insurance or having their cell phones, electricity or gas cut off.

Ah, but there's a kicker. There's another ugly and bitter side Neil no more wants to look at than the toxic, untested, goop in her hair, Dru in the morning. Destiny. Neil is destined to be a low-lying hunk of social detritus, something to be ignored and spat upon and laughed at if he goes crawling to Jabot looking for work.

God's Approval Rating Slips Lower

September 16, 2005

Like so much hypocrisy it's funny hearing alcoholic Neil Winters lecture Meth addict Yolanda Hamilton on using drugs. It's funny hearing Dru Winters say, "I can't believe Yolanda is on crystal Meth" or that she read "that stuff is so serious."

Where, exactly, did Dru read that? On the plane in route to New Hampshire where she dumped her out of control daughter in a reform school? In the Journal of American Medicine? Most likely she saw one of those scare reports on TV. The reports where media whores shrill for the government how widespread Meth is and the damage it does just so local police departments can get more taxpayer dollars the majority of which goes to make sure the chief can drive around in the latest model police vehicle.

How funny it was too when Neil said that if Yolanda's son hadn't found her when she overdosed recently she would have died. How does Neil know this? Is he a medical doctor? Did he take Dr. Olivia Winters' word for it when the doctor quacked Yolanda had taken more Meth than usual?

"I didn't get my knowledge about addiction out of a book, I lived it," says Neil, failing to mention his so-called addiction was short lived; failing to mention that he didn't lose everything; failing to note he's right back living a lavish lifestyle as if nothing had changed. Neil's battle with booze, like the Meth scare. Look at me! I'm a drunk! I'm having sex with bar maids. I'm getting robbed by cheap thugs named 'Juice'. Click. All better now. All ready to lecture others on the evils of drug addiction while the government condones the use of tobacco and booze.

How self-centered for Dru to say, and Neil agree, she didn't mean to sound insensitive, but that her adopted son, Devon Hamilton shouldn't be worrying about his mother and they shouldn't take the responsibility of helping Yolanda either. Easy for Dru to say since she disowned her own mother [and father] primarily because Lilly Belle Winters favored sister Olivia. It is therefore understandable that the Winters, with their constant pounding the dinner table and pledging how much family means, never speak of their parents. Dru never invites hers to share the holidays or has ever visited them. As far as anyone knows, Neil doesn't have parents as he's never spoken of them.

How sad was it to hear Neil say this week "We're not equipped to deal with a drug addicted, homeless person," when he himself crawled into a bottle, dragged his sorry ass around the seedy part of Genoa City looking like a homeless person for weeks and then, thanks to his well-connected family, got himself into a fancy detox center and cured in just one week. If the Winters can spend money on new $100 Nikes for Devon, digital cameras and laptop computers for their daughter, expensive watches for Neil and fancy hats for Dru, they surely can cough up whatever it takes to get Yolanda into a detox center.

It's been said before, but it's such a hoot hearing Devon, a kid who wants us to believe he grew up on the street, yapping how his mother should just say no to drugs. Yolanda should just stop craving Meth. Yolanda should just get professional help, yet the well-to-do Winters have not volunteered to pick up the tab. It's too early. There must be another week or two of Devon crying in his $4 lattes; more of Neil threatening Yolanda that if she doesn't get cleaned up Devon will become an addict too, living with her in Crack Ho Park even as Dru spews how hard it is "for an addict to get cleaned up".

"You can't look after her for the rest of your life," Dru hacks, when right now in the real world children are looking out for their elderly parents every day. Knowing he's on the right track, knowing that caring for the ones we love is the right thing to do, Devon nevertheless injects God into the mix. "God [will] look after her," he hacks, like a Bible-thumper blaming God for the hurricane. Devon's granny told him this; told him to flick his mother off like, well, a bad habit.

And look, there's Dru praising God. "She sounds like a wise lady," she says of granny Hamilton. Yeah, baby. If it's one thing Dru knows it's how to reject parents. Now Devon isn't so sure about God, the bastard. "I don't think He is doing a good job".

Thanks to the Winters, however, Devon knows better than to depend on God. The demon Winters will come to his rescue. The Winters "taught me how to act", showed him the way; the yellow brick road. They didn't kick him to the curb when he got into more trouble than a barrel of monkeys. They haven't yet threatened to send him away to a boarding school.

They haven't questioned where Daniel Romalotti got the booze he drank the night Cassie Newman wrecked his car. They haven't demanded something be done about the legal drugs. The paradoxical alcohol. The drug that can be used in moderation in good health for a lifetime. Alcohol is the good drug. It's the NFL's "official beer". It's the one with side effects never mentioned. Addiction? Cirrhosis? Fetal alcohol syndrome? What's that?

America's most destructive drug is not a drug. Bud and Bud Light do not cause problems; do not cause drunk driving. Bud Light doesn't fill you up and never lets you down, so drink as much as you want whenever you want for as many years as you want. If Daniel remembers to bring along Dale Earnhardt Jr. to give him a ride home in his Bud car next time he's on a bender, he'll be just fine. Just like Devon. Just like Yolanda.

So bring it on, Neil. Trash Meth and belittle Yolanda. When she's clean, say it's a "miracle", and for good measure, thank God.

No Lobster Tonight? That's Justice?
July 28, 2005

If it hadn't been for Neil Winter's "emergency" call to his daughter's lawyer there's no telling whether Michael Baldwin would have ever known his client has been arrested again and cooling her jets behind the cold bars of the Genoa City gulag. Taking time off from his busy wedding planning and offering Tom Fisher more money to leave town which Tom has only once accepted and then didn't leave town, Michael seemed confused when he arrived at the gulag. Wasn't the ER about Lily Winters?

Neil said it was in a roundabout sort of way. Thanks to Michael's adult friend his precious daughter had gotten her ass in deep crap again. If not for Phyllis Summers Lily would never have slapped an ill-fitting wig and a pair of didn't hide who she was glasses on her thick head and then fraudulently obtained access to a "penal" facility.

"That woman is completely deranged," Neil said of Phyllis, which, while being a true statement, did not justify his contention that Lily is some lily-white virgin incapable of wrongdoing. Practically bawling that Lily has been arrested again and how unjust it was to keep a sweet and innocent girl in jail, Neil begged Michael to spring Lily.

Following a brief conference with police detective Hank Weber the request was denied. Like others so moronic as to get themselves arrested, not to mention twice in as many weeks, Lily would have to go through the system just like everyone else. Provided the wheels of justice don't turn too slowly Lily would soon get her day in court.

Neil was outraged. In an effort to grease the skids he told Michael to pull some strings by calling the judge. Surely, once the judge heard the daughter of an influential member of the elite had been arrested the judge would order Lily's immediate release.

Refusing to get sucked into Neil's delusion of grandeur and warped perception that laws don't apply to the rich and powerful Michael told Neil it wouldn't hurt to let Lily spend the night behind bars. In the morning there would be another bail hearing and with luck daddy could take his baby home.

For someone who had just been told it's not cool to buck the system, and that Lily is no better than any other jail bird, Neil nevertheless had the audacity to ask Hank to give Lily preferential treatment. Not so much as a favor, but because Hank owed it to Lily for allowing the law to let Lily down.

Hank, his new brain firing on all eight cylinders and pushing him beyond the point where he stopped being a dumb KGB-like jailer and did a really righteous thing this week when he locked Lily up, had a momentary relapse. After being yelled at by Neil and treated like a government employed lackey Hank caved in. As a reward for her wrongdoing Lily would get to spend the night in a private cell. She would have guards checking on her during the night in the event she needed a glass of warm milk or to sooth any nightmares. In short, Lily would get the red carpet treatment and had he more time to arrange it, cable TV and a tuck in, too.

Was this enough to make a grown man cry? Was this so outrageous a man of modest means might fall on his knees and worship the very ground Hank walks on? Not when that man is Neil Winters. Not when that man isn't grateful his daughter won't be whipped with dog chains and forced to masturbate and have wires attached to her fingers and genitals and made to stand up for hours on end until her feet swell and her lungs collapse and her liver fails.

Neil expected a guarantee!

It's true! It's insane. And once again Neil stood there looking angry and baffled like a kid who just got grounded for failing another IQ test. What? You mean Lily won't be served lobster tonight on a silver platter? The guards won't rub her feet and hold her hand and sing her lullabies? What the hell kind of jail is Hank running? Where's the justice?

A Divider, Winters Discourages Uniting

July 27, 2005

That Neil Winters asked his adopted son Devon Hamilton this week why he wanted to see his biological mother so pissed me off I couldn't see straight and actually had to get outside and walk around the block thinking about this before I could see straight again.

The nerve of this brown-nosing bastard to suggest a child or adult not want to know their mother shouldn't have made me so upset considering Neil doesn't, apparently, have parents of his own. Since Neil's injection into Genoa City there's never been a word spoken of his mother or father. Not a peep comes from any member of the Winters clan either. Dru Barber never asked why Neil's parent's weren't at her first wedding or, as the former Mrs. Winters, at their second wedding recently in Japan.

With the birth of their first child how odd is it that Lily Winters never asked about her grandparents? Not that she doesn't have any. Lily's namesake Lillie Belle and Walter Barber on her mother's side were very much alive at last report.

Nor has Lily's biological father ever spoken of his parents. As Neil's half brother, Malfunction Winters acts as if he had been hatched from an egg. He doesn't mention if his mother is Neil's or if they both shared the same father as the Baldwin/Fisher boys do. Much the way of Brad Carlton, who brought the Winters boys into this world may never be known.

Neil's ignorant theory is that because Yolanda Hamilton is a crackhead/boozehound she doesn't deserve being a mother. She's not worthy of experiencing the joy of parenthood because, unlike Neil, Yolanda doesn't have the means or the wherewithal to check herself into an expensive detox center where she can be cleansed of her habit in about a week's time as Neil was.

Neil doesn't like that Devon plans to see Yolanda again, but gave his approval so long as Devon gives him a blow-by-blow report. Devon is, after all, Neil's property in every legal sense of the word. Furthermore, Neil can't comprehend why a boy would persist in getting to know his mother when Yolanda has made it clear she doesn't want him in her life right now. In Neil's warped mind people only toe society's line when they make a conscience decision to do so. Barring that Yolanda is to be shunned.

God bless him, albeit it in a fragmented way in that he used Lily as an example of people dedicated to their convictions, Devon slapped Neil with a dose of reality. He's not going to turn his back on mother so long as there's a glimmer of hope she can be helped. Not that Neil would know, humans are not like disposable diapers to be flushed down the toilet when they no longer serve their purpose. Devon knows too life is short. He, or his mother, could die tomorrow. If the later happened Devon would go through life never forgiving himself for blowing off a chance to get to know Yolanda.

You gotta feel sorry for Neil. So like a robot. Maybe he doesn't want to know or see his parents, but there are many out there who do. So what if these people are told their parents don't want them? That's something they'll have to find out for themselves. To kick back and say, well, they don't want me so I guess that's that solves nothing for those with a need to know their roots. What kid wouldn't want to at least see his parents so he or she can validate their own existence? Do I take after my Mom? Do I take after my Dad? Can they explain why they let others raise me? Are they remorseful? Do they want to try again?

How many children and their parents have tried finding each other and been reunited as a result? How wonderful that must be. Genoa City has its own examples. Cassie Newman is one. Who can forget how many times Cassie said she'd always wanted to be part of a real family and her dream came true. For Neil to discourage Devon from realizing a similar dream was downright un-American except that the seed he planted in Devon's head took root when Yolanda later chose a fix over Devon and Devon said he won't be seeing her again.

Way to go Neil. Never the uniter always the divider.

Weasel of the Week

May 5, 2005

After listening to Neil and Dru Winters spout off this week about Daniel Romalotti, to say they are weasels would be an understatement. What nerve of Mr. Winters to say he hopes the justice system throws the book at Daniel? What gall of Mrs. Winters to say she knew all along Daniel is a "bad seed"?

It may be true. It may be that Daniel was hatched from a crippled piece of sperm. It may be that he looks way too much like Sharon Newman and has fallen in love with Winters' insecure, low self-esteem daughter, but are these reasons enough to send his ass to prison? Prison should be a place where the worst of the worst are sent. Cold blooded killers belong there. Incorrigibles. Not sissy boys. Not long-haired beer-drinking freaks.

And look who's calling the kettle black. Dru Winters. A woman who had it not been for Nathan Hastings would still be an illiterate pocket picking street urchin. A woman who has committed so many evil acts Satan personally presented her with a Black Heart and made her one of his best helpers.

Look at Neil Winters. So morally corrupt he slept with a whore during a fit of alcoholism. So slimy he would have taken his brother's fiancée to bed had she wanted him. So slippery he tried forcing himself on his boss' daughter.

Such gutless bullies, these two. They never directly attack someone who could kick their ass. Instead, they throw hateballs, and when they angrily turn to look, point to one of their scapegoats: bad seeds. Crazy Kevin Fisher. How desperately they want those they don't like locked up, fired from their jobs, spat on by Jesus who holds a "special place" for those who accept Lily's overt sexual come ons.

Like hungry lowlands gorillas in search of food the bullies moan and groan. They can't imagine what the Newman family must be going through what with Cassie Newman the newest helpless victim when just a few weeks ago Dru was back-biting Nick Newman, calling him little Lord Faunteroy and other choice names. There Neil was huffing and puffing. Those bad boys putting his daughter through something very traumatic and Daniel should "face the consequence" of his actions when he knows nothing about Daniel or what he may have done.

The only crap the Winters give about the Newmans is that they not take away their fancy jobs. The Winters look for any excuse to portray themselves as the victims and yelp that such slugs like Daniel and Kevin are enemies, traitors, America-haters, liars and cheaters and sodomites and pedophiles and who dared let Kevin and Daniel be in our fine city? They base their hate on hearsay and innuendo. They berate others for sins like divorce that they have committed themselves. Stay away from our daughter. Get professional help.

Except when the Winters kids do the evil no professional help is necessary. There are no consequences when Lily has sex with Kevin or when she runs Neil down both figuratively and physically. Adopted son Devon runs away a number of times nearly getting others killed in the process but that's all good. They'll overcome. They are family. It's okay because their God is bigger than Kevin's God or Daniel's God. They pray for divine intervention during times of crisis then go right back to spewing filthy venom without justification or provocation because they are hypocrites. The bullies on the playground of life.

Our weasels of the week.

Whites Only

April 18, 2005

Who can forget that August 2 day in 2004? Who among us didn't hurl as Neil Winters and members of his clan fanned the flames of hate and persecuted Kevin Fisher was a nasty vengeance? After avoiding numerous attempts to lock him up Fisher was walking the streets again and the Winters didn't much like it.

With his new puppy Devon Hamilton on a tight leash Neil noticed Fisher at the Newman Jitter Joint one day and so ordered him again to get therapy. He'd told Michael Baldwin earlier that Fisher was to get into "extensive counseling" and he'd meant it. If Baldwin refused to comply Neil said he would stomp all over his brother until Kevin either left town or slipped up and Kevin would slip up because "guys like you always do."

So why wasn't Kevin having his head shrunk? Kevin said he was, but when asked for the name of his shrink said he couldn't pronounce it. Neil couldn't be snookered. If Kevin didn't get mental help, if he didn't do "the right thing", he would pay dearly for what he did to Neil's daughter, Lily.

While Neil's empty threat made him appear even more of a bumbling, inarticulate dolt than usual it left no doubt as to who the real threat to Genoa City's safety really was. Had Neil bothered to check with police he would have known why Kevin was free. Detective Hank 'KGB' Weber had hatched a deal with him.

Watching her daddy huff and puff Lily alerted her mother. "See that Mommy? Daddy is acting all big and bad like he's molesting the testicles of his corporate cronies," Lily did not say, but this was the message.

Her black eyes glaring, Dru Winters hacked, "Why do they let Kevin Fisher out in public?" as Lily spewed that just the thought of what that "creep" did to her made her skin crawl.

Picking up on the evil the puppy began yelping too. Damn that Kevin. "One day I'll bust him in his jaw," said Devon as Neil returned from his mini-terrorist attack and suggested they all leave because Kevin had ruined their day.

Now Neil is at it again. Only this time the names have changed. Instead of Kevin in his gun sight it's Daniel Romalotti. Not because Daniel is a greasy white boy but because Daniel was/is Kevin's one and only friend. Guilt by association.

Neil has "tracked" Daniel down. Had a "man-to-man" talk with the boy. Told him to stay away from his unstable daughter. Told Lily too. So that's that. It's all good. End of story.

"Hallelujah" Dru oozed. That'll teach those "thick as thieves" white boys.

And should Daniel not adhere their warning they'll do to him what they did to Kevin. When they see Daniel in public places they'll attack. They'll call him unpatriotic and hack away at his soul like so many trees in a disappearing forest. Screw every hunk of lingering logic and humanitarian reasoning and screw the notion that they need to justify their actions to anyone, least of all Daniel, who will swallow every hate hurled at him like Sierra NoLastName swallows her one millionth Oreo.

So let us watch as this all-encompassing mantra of get the evildoers, this absolutely invidious howling that Kevin should not be allowed to show his face in public shifts to Daniel. Let us watch how it mutates, in a twist of raging egomania, into the Winters' most bestest hammer of fear as once again they forget. It wasn't so long ago their parents and grandparents couldn't even walk into places like the Jitter Joint much less order people around for all the WHITES ONLY signs.

The Homecoming

March 7, 2005

And did you hear the one about how Devon Hamilton went to see his adopted father at the God Have Mercy Medical Center, how Neil Winters told him he'd always be a part of the Winters clan and even called him "son"?

Here's a brief recap of that scene. Neil was thumbing through a copy of Cycling magazine as if he'd ever in his life ridden a hog - besides his wife and Serena Slattern - when Devon dropped by to say he wasn't sure Neil would want to see him given all the trouble he's caused. Neil gave him the speech about accidents being part of life and that nobody is ever to blame.

"If dollars were doughnuts we'd all be broke and fat", Neil quipped, then thumping the Bible, said in general terms the only sure thing is death and taxes. People are born. People die. It's part of a plan God has for everyone. Take Devon for example: He brought the lost puppy into the Winters clan. Sure, it's been a rough but there are "happy times" ahead. Look at Neil's brother. Once at his brother's throat Malfunction Winters has since come around. Except for the three years Malfunction was thought to be dead it's always been this way. Like the seasons the Winters change.

Look at Neil's daughter. Lily Winters has always been supportive of the puppy and now they're becoming like brother and sister. Devon's adoption is not just a legal thing on paper. He's a real part of the family for which Ma and Pa are very proud. Devon is the "son" Neil never had.

There now, feel better? Devon did... for all of five minutes.

No sooner had he left the hospital but what Devon was at the Newman Jitter Joint crying in an expensive latte. Sob, sob. He's so not a part of the Winters family now. He's such an outcast he can't bring himself to be at his father's homecoming. Can't open the one and only gift Sierra NoLastName gave him days ago for his birthday.

Sierra, her mouth full of Oreos, didn't get it. Why isn't Devon celebrating?

"I'm not family," Devon whined, adding he likes living with the clan but the next time there's a problem he'll be headed for another group home. He wants to be prepared.

How weird it was. For all the talk about family and prayers and God, Neil popped into the wooden box at about the same time to say how happy it was to be home. How he thought he wouldn't survive being bumped by a massive SUV or get that rag off his head when he'd only fallen into the snow. How he thought his brother was leaving so soon until his devoted and loyal wife reminded Malfunction that he's part of the family too and should stay. How Neil gave an appreciation speech to all clan members. Without their love and prayers he might not have made it. How great Neil said being a family is but didn't notice.

Devon wasn't there.

See also: The Lie Will Live On

Low on Blood!

February 15, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

That electric charge is still in the air. That renewed sense that the elite in Genoa City should all be lined up and run over with a shiny new knobby-tired SUV and not only would it be fully justified, but righteous and good.

Aside from Victor Newman's oozing that being with an old cow on Valentine's Day makes him feel all safe and secure and cuddly as two slaves wait on him and Nikki Newman hand and foot and Michael Baldwin can't understand why all men aren't on their knees worshiping Lauren Fenmore and cry-baby Kevin Fisher had to call mommy when a beak-nosed bitch stood him up for a hunkmonkey and Nick Newman seethes that Valentine's Day was made just for him to spend with his wife while Sharon Newman gags that she doesn't like being his pawn, there was really only one other news event of any substance this Tuesday.

God Have Mercy Medical Center patient Neil Winters needs blood!

This was the word come forth via the big lips of Dr. Olivia Winters who told members of her clan that following surgery like Mr. Winters underwent it was not "unusual" that blood be transfused after the event. Unfortunately, at a major trauma center where only the finest doctors are employed, the blood bank is low!

But not to worry, Dr. Winters said the hospital will be shopping around for some B-positive blood. Maybe Safeway has some on sale. Still, it would be nice if members of the clan could donate a few pints. Anyone got some B+ to spare? Malfunction Winters jumped first. Although he's O-positive his blood should do just fine - shouldn't it? Or, like a Ford truck operating manual recommending only 10-30 weight oil, would 10-40 do?

Dr. Winters said B+ would be best but since Malfunction insisted his blood be used she agreed blood is blood. That didn't mean she wouldn't check out the food section ads for the best deal in town.

Hearing the call for blood go out Winters' adopted puppy Devon Hamilton raised his hand. Could he donate? Dru Winters waved her hand higher. What about her A-type blood. Would that help? While Dr. Winters was ruling out A blood Lily Winters jumped up and down. She didn't know what her blood type is but it might just happen to be B like her daddy. Wouldn't she be the obvious choice?

Perhaps sensing where all this was going, that revealing Lily's blood type would put the family on dangerous ground, Dr. Winters said most likely Lily's blood matches that of her mother and therefore not compatible. Recalling that one day she spent in Biology class Lily said she knew for sure it couldn't be O since it would be very weird indeed that a niece and an uncle have the same blood type.

A quick thinking Dru put a stop to the blood roulette by remembering a hospital policy sign she'd seen somewhere on the wall. Minors are not allowed to donate blood. So there. Realizing there was an urgency Malfunction told everyone to stop bickering. He would be the donor and that was final.

Upset, a pouting Lily had to be told the many reasons Malfunction was the go-to blood man. The patient was his brother. The patient had saved his life by pushing him out of harm's way when a speeding SUV came hurling toward them. Giving up his blood would be Malfunction's little token of thanks. If Lily really wanted to do something she could pray at the Chapel of Miracles down the hall. Even Devon got in on the act. Would Lily like to pray with him? Granted, their mother had only hours ago taught him how, but he was willing to give prayer a shot not that the Man upstairs listens to him, but because, "I'm part of this family now."

Goddamn if it wasn't better late than never. Too bad Devon hadn't known he was a part of the clan before he ran away.

As if there was any doubt how flagrantly absurd this pity party had become a seething pit-bull death squad named Phyllis Summers entered stage right just after Malfunction had his veins drained. How was brother Neil holding up? What? He came out of surgery needing blood? How strange is that? How did Summers know of this latest Winters tragedy? But of course! She called Malfunction's place of employment. The nice manager there gave her all the gory details so she rushed right over. After all, she and Neil have a history based on the scene she made at Fenmore's Department Store during the recent Cosmetics War.

Noting that Neil is one lucky fella to have a friend like Phyllis, Malfunction regurgitated. Had Neil not become the sacrificial lamb he'd be the one needing a blood transfusion after the fact. Yes, it was so caring of Phyllis to ask how Dru and the kids are holding up when she could give a rat's ass about Dru and doesn't know the Winters kids from a box of rocks. Not that there's anything wrong with that, the real question Malfunction had for Phyllis was why she's pretending to be concerned. What is her true motive?

"I think I know what's going on between you and Lily," Phyllis actually said, which should have made Malfunction spew the coffee grinds stacked up in his empty stomach and probably would have had he not been up all night and just donated blood and was maybe craving a nap to help him through the next round of anxiety wallowing and angst.

What would make Phyllis say such a thing? How could she possibly know anything about Lily or "all that's going on in your life" when she'd been wrapped up in a murder case with Damon Porter? Was it a good guess? Was it noticing that Dru has been acting strange and had ordered a DNA kit off the Internet from, coincidentally, a blood lab in New York where she just happened to work once? Besides pilfering Dru's mail had she opened the envelope containing the DNA test results? Did that explain why she so boldly proclaimed that Neil Winters is not Lily's father?

And what business is it of hers? Shouldn't she be more concerned that there are no reports circling the city that some priest creepily molested a cute young boy named Daniel? And shouldn't Malfunction right about now be rushing back to the blood bank to say Holy Christ, Stop! My brother can't get my blood. Not now. Not after this because Phyllis would never lie about a thing like that, because she's too honest and pure and despite all contrary evidence doesn't actually adore stirring up more hate between family members like Sierra NoLastName adores Oreos.

Born to Lose

February 14, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Were it not so incredibly stupid this report on the events that transpired Monday at the God Have Mercy Medical Center would not have been worth the virtual paper it's written on. Moreover, the stupidity is so bizarre as to distract from the focus: a man's life is at stake. Or, so we were led to believe.

Anyone concerned about Neil Winters lost interest from the outset due to the conflicting statements made not only by his family, but him as well. It might be rationalized that the confusion so far was for the benefit of those who came in late. The movie was already running so those who missed the start didn't grasp why a patient - said to be in critical condition due to having sustained massive injuries as the result of being hit by a slow-moving SUV - was speaking clearly and carrying on coherent conversations even as he was being wheeled off to surgery.

But for those watching from the beginning it made no sense at all when the patient's wife said she wasn't blaming runaway Devon Hamilton for the accident then turned right around to say she was so pissed at the adopted kid she treats like a puppy.

Considering how often Dru Winters has been at GHM as either a patient or a concerned family member it's a wonder she hasn't learned by now that having surgery is not like baking a cake. The patient isn't popped into the oven and taken out piping hot forty minutes later. Minor surgeries can take a minimum of two hours so she should have known her husband's surgery would take some time. Yet there Mrs. Winters was yapping again about the medical staff not giving her a scalpel-by-scalpel description and sniveling over what might happen should Mr. Winters die. As it has so often been said: dead is dead. Bawling can't change reality.

And despite how many had told her she wasn't to blame because she'd been behind the wheel and ran her own father down, Lily Winters was slinking around feeling sorry for herself. Noticing this, her mother quipped what a "private hell" she was in and couldn't comprehend why a seventeen-year-old can't understand that's why they call car wrecks "accidents."

As for the puppy both Mrs. Winters and her brother-in-law/lover knew he was in Hell too and suffering from guilt since had much more of it piled up in the waiting room they'd all have to wear hip boots. Despite the fact she knew what Devon was thinking the night he ran off to the zoo Dru had to ask again: what he was thinking? Then, in the most stunning statement thus far, she said that if Malfunction Winters and her husband hadn't saved the puppy, why, "he'd be dead by now" which of course she had no way of knowing as the lion Devon had gotten into a pit with at the zoo had nearly fallen asleep from the boredom.

"I don't know what I'll do if he doesn't make it," Mrs. Winters hacked for the benefit of those who'd joined this B-grade movie in progress, then flipped again by blaming herself. Had she not forgot the puppy's birthday none of this would be happening. Devon wouldn't have "acted out" like an ungrateful brat and they'd be eating ice cream and cake instead of wallowing in self-pity.

Meanwhile the puppy was greasing up his condescending attitude. Waiting around to see whether the man he was mostly to blame for putting in the hospital would live or died really sucked. Surely there must be better things to do like answer Lily's asinine questions. Why hadn't Devon told her it was his birthday? Why had he told the Oreo-eating Sierra NoLastName and not her? Because he knew Lily would tell her mother? What sense was there not wanting someone to know and then getting upset because they didn't know?

"My birthday isn't a big deal," Devon actually said, which pretty much summed it up. The puppy is an attention seeker. He loves when people ask why he ran off to the zoo of all places so that he can say they wouldn't understand and then not explain his reasoning.

The shocker was that Lily got it. Devon had thrown a temper tantrum. And look where it got him. Since Devon first came into the Winters' sad transparent world they've had nothing but trouble. A prudent family would have kicked him out long ago given Devon's inability to fit in and long history of rejection by other foster families.

Needless to say, just when it was all making sense and the clan would be better off without him, Lily said, no! The Winters aren't like other families. She could have said that again except Devon's condensation wasn't done. He dialed from memory Genoa City's all-in-one adoption agency representative/probation/parole officer and in a flash Lorena Davis was at the hospital without so much as asking Devon why she was being summoned.

Upon arrival Davis learned of Devon's desire to go into another group home because of the problems he'd caused the clan. Unfortunately, Davis said the Winters are legally stuck with him.

As she heard for the umpteenth time that Mr. Winters has "multiple internal injuries" Mrs. Winters freaked as if she'd heard it for the first time and to show that his IQ is only slightly higher than 5, Malfunction Winters asked the doctor, "Exactly what does that mean?" How could anyone who'd fallen into a snow bank have damaged not only their spleen, but liver and both kidneys too!

It would have made far greater sense had Malfunction asked, "Just how fast was that SUV going, 100?" had this not been Genoa City where regardless of the injuries most people live by some miracle unless their name happens to be Tony Viscardi in which case they die after being hit by slow-moving SUVs while riding motorcycles.

Going back in history it's hard to find a day where the convolution ran rampant as this one did. Noticing Davis Mrs. Winters couldn't help but ask, "What are you doing here? Unfortunately, Davis didn't say, "What? You think you're the only one with dying family members here?"

Davis did say she'd been summoned, heard the sob story from Devon and extended condolences to the family. Adding to her long list of strange remarks Mrs. Winters told Davis of her husband's surgery, that they were praying and in particular was glad Devon had aired the clan's dirty laundry in public. She was further distressed when Davis added that Devon wanted to go back into foster care.

Why would the puppy want to leave now? Because. "You and Mr. Winters have been great parents, but it's not working out for me," Devon actually said, as a confused Davis was told the tragedy had come about because of a forgotten birthday. Throwing up her hands Davis said they know where to reach her and left.

This pitiful scene was followed by another lesson on What It Means To Be a Family by Mrs. Winters as once again Malfunction had to tell Lily none of this was her fault. That she was behind the wheel did not count.

Thank God there are only so many minutes in a Genoa City day because otherwise this feel sorry for us, we're nothing but a pack of ignorant losers whine-fest would have gone on and on like a bad domino theory as Lily was blabbing how she so wished she'd told her Pa more often how much she loves him because he's always been there for her except, of course, for those times when she'd bitched that he wasn't there for her.

Monday's pity party came to an end only because Dr. Olivia Winters emerged from her ether-reeking hole long enough to inject the clan with another dose of horror. Something had gone terribly wrong in the operating room.

Something is wrong alright, but it's not in the operating room. It's that these people were ever born to become such losers.

Let Us Pray

February 11, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

What has the GCN said so many times? The only time the elite in Genoa City turn to God is when their miserable lives are in turmoil or when some family member or loved one is close to death. Usually they drop by the chapel conveniently located where the nearly dearly departed are clinging to life and when said person pulls through it is hailed as a "miracle".

Such was the case again late this week at the God Have Mercy Medical Center where Neil Winters' turn on the death-go-round had come up. Struck by a gas-guzzling SUV with his own daughter behind the wheel Mr. Winters days on this earth were apparently numbered. His pulse "unsteady" and his blood pressure "low" Dr. Olivia Winters reported to the all night vigil clan that despite the risk, the patient would undergo surgery but not to worry (wink-wink.)

Upon hearing that his sister-in-law would not be part of the surgical team Malfunction Winters raised a red flag. Wasn't it strange that a GP who had been on duty since the night before wouldn't be working on his brother? Dr. Winters explained hospital policy. No physician at GHM may at any time operate on family members. Giving them overdoses of cold medication is not included in that policy so feel free to do as you please and always be sure to order massive amounts of expensive tests until just about the time patients kick the bucket then rush them to surgery, blah, blah.

Warning her sister that the patient was "medicated" and "weak", Dr. Winters nevertheless allowed Dru Winters to speak with her husband prior to the operation and cautioned by way of squinting her eyes and scrunching her face that there was a good possibility Mr. Winters wouldn't make it.

The bad news traveled fast as a tearful Malfunction told Lily "Boo Boo Bear" Winters her Pa was being taken to surgery and needed time alone with her Ma to maybe ask if the life insurance was paid up. Sensing the impending doom, Boo Boo started bawling too.

Despite his critical condition Mr. Winters had no trouble asking his wife, albeit better late than never, whether the surgeons were any good at what they do. Assured he's getting only the best and will be up and around in no time, the patient couldn't help but ask that in the event of his death the little woman promise to always be there for the children.

As previously predicted, the person partially culpable for Mr. Winters predicament, Devon Hamilton blamed himself for the turn of events and was told by Mrs. Winters not to sweat the small stuff. They had, after all, forgotten his birthday so it made perfect sense that a man's life hung in the balance. The important thing now was for Devon to pray.

He did know how to pray - didn't he?

In the event Devon didn't know Dru said she'd be willing to show him. At that point, and pushing the chronic laughter aside, it could only be imagined what it would be like watching the evil Mrs. Winters of all people showing anyone how to pray.

"Here, take your hands and interlock the fingers. Now open them outward. See? This is the church and this is the steeple. Look inside and see all the people! Isn't that cool?" Mrs. Winters did not actually say, but should have given the hilarity.

At that very same moment, as just about everyone within hearing range of this biblical babble was doubled over in laughter, Mr. Winters was, still very coherent for a man near death, reassuring Lily again the she was not to blame for his death, should God need him in heaven to feed the flock. He went on to say that in this life there are things you cannot see coming like, moronic daughters behind the wheel of massive pieces of steel aimed at their fathers the lucky ones of which will jump out of the way but are undoubtedly sent careening to their death from the impact of falling into a snow bank.

"You have to embrace the journey. Appreciate the time you have on earth," a heavily medicated Winters explained as a sullen Lily presumed this was her Pa's way of saying good-bye.

But no!

It's not good-bye, in sickness or in health, in Genoa City life or the life beyond, Mr. Winters will always be with his Boo Boo Bear. Now my child, as you sob uncontrollably, please have my brother summoned so that I may inflict the fear of God in Malfunction by squeezing a promise out of him that should I die he'll take care of the clan in the event my wife is unable to live up to her agreement to do that very same thing.

And should I ever be rushed off to surgery please tell the surgical team to wait while I have yet another chat with my darling wife in the hallway in which she tells me to hang in there because she's praying as if God would consider anything this woman says as having come straight from the Pope's lips.

Worst Care Anywhere

February 10, 2005
 

If you've seen one scene at the God Have Mercy Medical Center you've seen them all. Following Lily Winters' little mishap at the Genoa City Zoo resulting in the near death of her father, the clan raced to the hospital this week where as usual there was much hand-wringing and what is to become of us concern.

There was much bawling and sadness and doctors and nurses who knew nothing or if they did weren't saying. There was also the amazing coincidence that general practitioner Dr. Olivia Winters was pulling ER duty this night as otherwise she too might have been at the Zoo trying to rescue the family's lost puppy, Devon Hamilton.

And as she so often does, Dr. Winters finally emerged from trauma room #0 to report she didn't know much as it pertained to SUV rundown victim Neil Winters except that they were running every possible test in the book as is hospital policy to slap on every possible charge to run those medical bills up as if anyone will ever pay. The doctor surmised that based on the cuts and bruises, Mr. Winters had suffered serious head injuries and without knowing for sure, suspected "significant internal injuries as well" which would require surgery.

Besides the obvious "lost of blood" Dr. Winters said that her brother-in-law was also "in shock" but not so shocked that he couldn't talk coherently with family members.

There was too Malfunction Winters who when asked why this was happening said, duh, he had no idea and when he heard his brother was in shock but would be allowed to speak with the family asked, "is he awake?"

There was too Dru Winters moaning and groaning and asking "why is this happening?" when she knew damn well that her very own daughter got behind the wheel of a massive thousand pound piece of steel and ran her own father down. There was Mrs. Winters when told her husband would require surgery gasped, "Oh no!" then went into her I'm so scared cocoon wherein she wonders too "what if something goes wrong" perhaps based on her knowledge that the odds of coming out of Genoa City's only hospital are slim.

And oh my. What will Dru do if her husband dies? She should have thought about that before letting him go down into a lion's den. She should have thought about that when her so freaking stupid you want to hit her in the head with a brick daughter got behind the wheel.

As expected too the real cause of this latest Winters tragedy. Devon stood around chattering that Neil is a forgiving man and will forgive his daughter this trespass too. There was Malfunction making the standard we've got to be strong for the family speech as the butchering family doctor emerged again to say surgery had been delayed because the patient wasn't stable. Regardless of Neil's instability he was asking to see the family, however.

So like a bad scene from ER where family members burst into the trauma room demanding to know what the doctors are doing or not doing and/or having fights with other family members, the Winters clan wandered in to see the patient. It's a goddamn wonder the death knell wasn't sounding because you had to be there.

You had to scream and threaten to get violent and swear, like you did last week, that you're never going to watch this crap ever again when the first words out of Dru's mouth were, "Honey, how are you doing?"

Hey, bitch. How do you think he's doing? Did you not hear what your sister said? Neil is in shock. He's got internal injuries, perhaps had his brain knocked off its axis because of that worthless daughter of yours. Because of that hopeless kid you adopted. If you ever get out of this mess you should lock those two up and throw away the damn key. Neil needs surgery. He's not stable. He won't be going to the opera tonight or on another safari. Unless, of course, like Ashley Carlton he's up and walking around in a few hours good as new.

And what of Malfunction? Has there ever been a bigger boob in the entire clan? With his brother laying there a bloody stump what does Malfunction say? "Hey big brother, you look good."

Good? As in he's just been gone over by the undertaker good?

And what of Neil saying, "I never imagined I'd come face to face with a lion."

What a fool. What was he thinking when he went into that hell pit with a lion? Notwithstanding expert animal trainers, what moron would go into a lion's den for any reason?

Oh, let's not forget that moments earlier Dru was puking all over herself about what if something went wrong during the surgery, yet here she was telling Neil that when the doctors patch him up they'll be back to their regular hateful selves so that he and Malfunction can reconnect. That is, until the still very secret DNA test becomes common knowledge.

"Jesus! I can't take this any longer," you maybe screamed when, to add injury to this already insulting passing for poor excuse drama, Neil told Devon to take care of the girls until the bread winner comes home!

Is this not the lamest thing you ever did hear? Would anybody, really, tell a kid who has gotten into more trouble than Merck has Vioxx leave the addict in charge of the drugs?