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2005 News Archives
Noah Newman

All I Want For Christmas

December 19, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

May the Lord bless you and keep you this Christmas - unless, of course, you are Noah Newman, you're nine years old and still believe in Santa. Noah, his life so sheltered, is still writing letters to Santa. The little tyke sat down and made a long list of goodies he thinks Santa is going to deliver using a flying sleigh powered by reindeer from the North Pole. Joy to the world. One can only imagine what's on Noah's list. An X-box, a new bike, a train set, all the things poor kids would not dare ask Santa for because they know better.

This year Noah knows better than to send the letter to Santa at the Pole. With less than a week before the big night there's no way the Postal Service would get it there in time, UPS doesn't go there and the Newman jet is being fumigated. Lucky for Noah, he knows Santa is coming to the Athletic Club. Manager Gina Roma made special arrangements this year for Santa's visit and the fat man was happy to accept her invitation because if there's one thing he loves since Mrs. Clause got old, it's little boys and girls boring him to tears and jabbing their tiny hands and feet into his crotch.

Additionally, Noah picked the AC as the place to drop his letter because his new pal, the teenager who was thought played a role in his sister's death, Daniel Romalotti is working there as one of Santa's helpers. In charge of running the playroom, Romalotti may apply the hours spent wearing a sock on his head to the community service time he was ordered to complete by the courts. When he's not changing diapers, Romalotti may lecture toddlers on the dangers of drinking and driving.

That Noah's in a fantasy might not be so bad were he not so spoiled and materialism so evil and has pretty much robbed Christmas of its true meaning - which is, of course, guilt and death and sin and kid writers like Scotty Grainger who can't wait for the day he can beg people to buy his book available on Amazon for only $13.

That Noah still believes in Santa is so typical in a city where the rich take notice of the less fortunate only twice each year. Occasionally they'll give a buck to a homeless person or have their slaves cook a turkey to be delivered at the local shelter by limousine and with a Christmas card attached where upon it is written:

"Hello, little people. During this fine holiday season, unto you we shall bestow tiny glimpses of our unimaginable beauty. Alas, we cannot appear in the same room together lest our joint radiance cause your eyeballs to explode. But be it known, we are thinking of you, always. Especially those of you who wash our car windshields and scrub our toilets. Peace to all. Enjoy the turkey."

Ah, yes. It's Christmas time in Genoa City. So fake, so out of touch, so stupid to think a boy Noah's age still believes in Santa and the Tooth Fairy when most kids his age learned long ago, Santa is a big fat lie!

But that won't stop Noah's letter from being answered. Like he's got some right, Romalotti will intercept the letter. He'll read some sob story of how Noah misses his sister so much and then show it to Devon Hamilton and the Oreo-eating Sierra Hoffman and perhaps all on his own, Romalotti will decide to answer Noah's wish when he obtains a life-like portrait of Cassie Newman for Noah to hang over his bed - or somewhere - as a reminder that had it not been for Romalotti, Cassie might very well be alive today.

Life Back on Track for Newman Kid

June 13, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Long before I knew what would be happening on Monday in Genoa City I wasn't the slightest bit shocked at the possibilities. Based on the breathtaking litany of utter BS oozing forth these days from the crayons of Jack Smith and Kay AllDone I knew there'd be at least one event sure to leave me yawning. That's how savagely common and predictable their stories have become. Here's the latest example proving my contention.

That his parents are unable to work - because they're so distraught over the death of a child - hasn't prevented Noah Newman from going to school as usual. Noah is so over his half-sister's death he even looks forward to those after school activities at the Newman Wreck Center with other kids his age despite the center was supposedly built for troubled inner-city kids with too much time on their hands.

And also because Nick and Sharon Newman are so freaked out about what Cassie's death is doing to them they can't be bothered to pick Noah up from school, or instruct him to take the bus, that has become the job of the very unemployed Victoria Newman who said this day she was on her way to the center to fetch Noah.

Since so many of his classmates apparently hang at the center, or else Noah has an entirely different set of friends he plays with there, none of which were at Cassie's funeral, it made perfect sense that some of them would take the time to make sympathy cards for Noah the likes of which he fully intended to put over his bed.

This staggering development might then make the prudent person wonder: If Noah is functioning so well why can't his parents? Sure, Nick and Sharon are diaper-wearing adults, Nick more so of late what with his trashing the outhouse they live in, but does this explain why Sharon would say Noah would be frightened if he saw what his father had done to the place? Why do they keep treating this nine-year-old boy as if he was two? Why does Nick keep saying if it weren't for Noah he couldn't go on without Cassie? Exactly what is the bond between father and son? Is it that Noah should be thankful he hasn't been shipped off to Kansas and just be happy to see Nick even if all they've ever done together in the past year is play catch on the day of Cassie's funeral?

Why does Nick keep saying he wants revenge for what Daniel Romalotti did to Cassie and wants Daniel to feel his pain? Is this Nick's way of setting the example for Noah of what it means to be a man? Why does Nick repeatedly say nobody can find Daniel when he knows Lily Winters probably does and he has all these resources at his disposal to find Daniel? Why doesn't this idiot stop pouting like a baby? Why must he be such a hypocrite with his sobbing that Cassie is gone while at the same time wanting to destroy the life of another human?

For as dumb as she is at least Sharon knows that violence begets violence and nothing will bring Cassie back from the dead. Sharon may have quickly forgotten her other dead baby but not Cassie. Her heart is broken. She feels so empty. What would Cassie say if, as she floats around with the angels in heaven, she knew what Nick is doing?

Much like he asked the Bug last week, "What should I do in the meantime," Nick asked Sharon today, "What should I be doing," when she told him to get a grip. For one thing Sharon said Nick could be there for his family. She and Noah need him.

"You have me," Nick quipped, then went right back into his raving maniac roll. He can't rest until Daniel is caught.

Yes, I know. This isn't even news anymore. It doesn't raise an eyebrow. And how sad is that? Not as sad as when Victoria told her brother their great father "has been through a lot of difficult times" too. But unlike Nick, Victor Newman "did it with dignity" and if Nick weren't so thick headed he'd "take a lesson" from Pa, who it should be remembered has said too, without knowing the facts, he intends to extract a pound of flesh from Daniel.

This, as we all know, is the Genoa City way. Hack away at continuity much the way of burning books to blot out the past. These latest salvos, these latest disgusting proofs, are just par for the course, standard operating procedure for a callous and domineering soap that, if it can't find the data it needs to support its agenda, simply makes it up, forces it into existence and crams it down our throat and calls it sound writing.

Smith and AllDone can smear us with their laziness and whore-like devotion to outright ignorance all they want but we don't have to swallow it.

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