2005 News Archives
Sharon Newman

Minions of Satan

December 16, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

CAUTION: May be too intense for some readers.

"I thank God" Sharon Newman began Friday as she went on to tell her husband that if he doesn't want her in his bed anymore to just say so. Just let her know that like so many men married to the same woman for any length of time they've grown tired of the same old missionary-style sex.

In his own caveman sort of way Nick told Sharon just that. He's sick of her laying in bed motionless while he pumps away for 2.3 minutes. He's tired of the way she talks dirty and would appreciate if she stopped calling him "Daddy" because it reminds him of the time she got caught shoving her tongue down his father's throat.

He's tired that when they have sex it's always at the same time on the same day of the week and with the lights out. He's tired that when they have sex there always has to be a reason for it; that it's never spontaneous like the old days when she'd dress up like Little Red Riding Hood.

Nick doesn't like that when he's done Sharon rolls over and pretends to be asleep and when he leaves to watch some TV hears the whir of the magic Hitachi coming from the bedroom.

Granted, when it comes to the part of his wedding vows where it says until death do them part no matter how bad the sex gets, Nick is a dog. But sadly, he's also a man and men who don't get good sex at home will stray even if it means having to do it with a butt-ugly woman or Phyllis Summers or someone old enough to be their mother or all of the above.

That isn't to say Nick should take all the blame. Anyone who says she thanks God that Nick is her man and then turns around to say she almost had sex again outside the marriage should be forced to have her vagina sewed shut.

This marks the fourth time Sharon has lusted for other men two of which she actually did the deed with. The three strike rule should have applied long ago where these minions of Satan are concerned. Nick should end the marriage this time without debate. He should redeem himself while he's got the chance because when Sharon invoked God into the equation, she lost any chance at redemption. Pure and simple, Sharon's the town slut and Nick should distance himself from her before she drags him down any further into the gutter than he already is.

All Things are Relative

December 9, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

People have asked why I haven't been covering Sharon Newman, as in news and opinion coverage. They ask because I once so despised Sharon for the rocks rolling around inside her otherwise empty head nearly caused me to suffer a hearing loss. Sharon's saga with Cameron Kirsten, her employment at Jabot Cosmetics and subsequent jump to Newman Enterprises has been covered. It's been pointed out that Sharon's stature as a rich woman in need of employment to make her feel worthy is so lame. This is a woman in her early 30's with a young son to raise. She should be staying at home, kicking back, going to the mall, preparing meals for her family, but no. Like other wealthy women in Genoa City that work when they don't have to, Sharon must justify her existence by having a job.

But look at the job she holds. Spokesmodel for a toxic cosmetics company. The only spokesmodel in history that also does photo shoots and apparently appears in ads for chemicals people put on their skin, Sharon's the new new. Readers of New Bride do not notice that only a few months ago Sharon represented Jabot and now she's representing Jabot's competition. People do not think it strange when the "star" pushing Ford suddenly switches to Chevy.

Except for those who get past the screeners at those live call-in portions of webcasts Sharon's been holding, these same people do not question why a woman Sharon's age was selected when there must be hundreds of really, really hot, sexy babes who could better entice fools into using chemicals. There must be any number of educated in public speaking women who could do far better than what Sharon has done so far.

And now Sharon's off on a business trip. A book signing-like tour of sorts where she signs autographs and packaging Beauty of Nature products like Seasons come in. Only this is not something Sharon can do by herself. So inexperienced, so uneducated, the division head of Newman Enterprises must go along to baby-sit. Yes, Dru Winters can just forget about the recent BoN rollout because it was such a success and all of Asia is itching to sell the goop in their countries. She can train Sharon despite the fact that Dru has never been on the road before. Sure, Dru said she was going to Florida and on talk shows during her short stint as Jabot's spokesmodel, but she never actually went.

How Sharon and Dru got their jobs is questionable too. Based purely on nepotism and sexual favors, Sharon got hers because her last name is Newman. Recall the audition process to pick the best spokesmodel was staged. Recall that CEO Victoria Newman said she intended all along to pick Sharon. Sharon's selection was also supported by whatever his title, Brad Carlton. Brad's only interest in seeing Sharon get the job was so he could literally screw her and then only as a backup bitch. Brad's primary interest is in Victoria who he's already put the pork to and who just happens to be his daughter's half-sister.

Adding to the sleaze, Dru encouraged her evil sister to screw Brad and actually told Olivia Winters to show him what a good "F" is. Olivia did just that even if it meant betraying her best friend, and Brad's wife, Ashley Carlton. Olivia later asked for, and was granted, forgiveness. All Ashley wanted at the time was to have Brad back in her bed and while that happened, the Carlton marriage never healed completely. Ashley kept her distance from Olivia and the two women eventually became so distant Ashley didn't so much as wish her former sorority sister a Happy Thanksgiving. Not that she could have. Olivia dropped off the edge of Genoa City never to be seen again much like her stunted son said to be in a London boarding school.

To this day Nate Hastings doesn't know that his mother's former husband is alive. Thought to have been killed in Africa, Malfunction Winters returned three years later and swore he was going to tell Nate the truth only to flee again when it came out that he sired Nate's cousin, Lily Winters. Dru's daughter, born long after Nate, quickly passed him in terms of age, discovered that her mother's current husband isn't her biological father and agreed to keep the secret from Neil Winters.

Neil, the sole reason Dru is employed at Newman Enterprises, has always been Newman's #1 slave, frequently complains about the way he's treated. Just a few days ago he said he doesn't like having to "serve two masters" yet continues doing just that. An alcoholic, Neil apparently knows which side of the watermelon the seeds are on. He won't do anything to upset a lifestyle and considers himself "blessed" in that he's got another woman's son living under his roof.

Also an addict, Yolanda Hamilton looks mighty fine for someone on methamphetamine most of her life. Catching her this week trying on some of Dru's rags, Neil liked what he saw. Given his propensity for having sex outside marriage, and the fact Dru is away on business, it wouldn't take much to push Neil's moral compass out of whack. Should Yolanda could get pregnant she'd really have a reason to say she's "blessed" too. If all the dominos were to fall in the right place Devon Hamilton could be blessed as well since he'd have more than an adoptive father.

So this, in part, is why I'm not much concerned with Sharon's whoring around. In her own way, Sharon's an addict too. She's addicted to sex. She's never satisfied. That she came from the wrong side of the tracks and got a Newman gold spoon shoved down her foul mouth, that she married a goof who keeps taking her back no matter how many times she commits adultery, isn't good enough. Sharon's always on the prowl. So let her have sex with Brad. Let her get pregnant and then see what happens. If Abby Carlton doesn't know how she's related to these people now, imagine the fun she'll have trying to figure out how she's related to Sharon. Isn't that what they say? Aren't all things relative?

October 27, 2005
Sharon Newman Selected as Newman Spokesgeek
Without any fanfare, without a gaggle of media whores shaking in great anticipation as to who would get the nod for the much sought after position as Newman Enterprises spokesgeek/model for the company's newest line of cosmetics, without waiting for a decision from what was supposed to be an independent panel and the announcement coming "in a few weeks" as company executive Brad Carlton had said, CEO Victoria Newman announced Thursday that her own sister-in-law, Sharon Newman, is the best choice and will therefore represent Seasons even if she can't pronounce the word luminescence.

'Good Egg' To Crack Heads
October 6, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Something is amiss. Something is deeply askew when I start feeling sorry for Sharon Newman. Maybe I missed it, but wasn't the reason Sharon was hired on at Newman Enterprises was so that she'd be the spokesgeek to represent the company's line of toxic cosmetics? And doesn't the fact that a business empire like NE sells cosmetics make anyone wonder what else it sells when it's not gobbling up smaller companies? Why is it that none of those other firms are of any importance? Why do all Newman employees focus their attention on the cosmetics division? Why, if Sharon isn't the spokesgeek for the Seasons line, if she's being shunned by members of her own family because they see her as dumber than a box of dirt, doesn't she give them the middle finger?

Why must Sharon beg for a job division head Dru Winters could do standing on her pointed head? How often did Dru go out into the public to represent Tuvia when she was over at Jabot Cosmetics? While she did pretend to go on the talk show circuit to promote Jabot's chemicals for the human body, Dru not once promoted the gunk that "women of color" were supposedly buying by the truckload. Hell, Dru rarely spent time at the office and was much too busy with planning her second marriage and reining in a troubled daughter.

Oh, but here Sharon is groveling. Pleading with Dru and her bitchy sister-in-law to throw her a bone when Seasons taskmaster Brad Carlton, calling the shots where Seasons is concerned, telling Sharon what a great job she did in Chicago, could snap his fingers and make it happen, won't lift a finger to help. For the amazement Sharon smeared all over Brad it didn't include a blowjob under the table so maybe that's why Brad won't help her even though he knows how much having some purpose in life would mean to so desperately jacked on herself Sharon.

"Ever since I went back to work I feel like a new person," Sharon moaned, going on to say how NE has given her "focus" and "purpose" and how after her daughter died she couldn't get out of bed in the morning not counting the time she screwed her husbands brains out before, or was it after, Cassie Newman's funeral.

Brad says he knows Sharon went through "hell" when Cassie died because by definition, hell to these morally devoid pill-popping divas, means going to dinner parties, getting fueled by raging white-knuckle jealously and sucking around hairless men like common whores lick male back hair at a NASCAR rally.

Oh yes, Sharon agrees with the hell part. Her heart bleeds whenever she thinks of Cassie and this thinking of Cassie putting on makeup and looking like her whorish mother would never happen while Sharon is speaking on behalf of Seasons. How does Sharon know this? Because dead is dead. Cassie is history. A distant memory. Sharon has a "new" life now same as the old one. So why let bad memories get in her way?

So it's downward and backward for Sharon. Regress into the cesspool where Dru can call her a "good egg" and patronize her attempt of at least trying to get up to speed with the big girls Dru and Victoria Newman are all while snickering that Sharon has "a long way to go" to get where they are. Sure, Victoria and Dru are thinking about Sharon's request to become a spokesgeek, or, depending on who you believe, "spokesmodel" as Victoria said as they don't seem to know the correct label to use for this position which remains unfilled with a grand Seasons launch less than 60-days away.

Always waiting until the last minute to throw their toxic facades against the wall to see what will stick, these female hoochies plan to hold auditions for which there are no clear candidates. Such a duplicitous cretin is Dru she refused this week to give into cronyism or the nepotism which makes her job possible, but reluctantly put Sharon's name at the bottom of a hastily tossed together list of tryouts for the part.

Nor did Victoria crap her pants when Brad said Sharon had convinced one of the "beauty" magazine editors to pull an article to make room for another on the subject of the unproven, not for sale, Seasons line. That a moron like Sharon pulled off such a coup did not qualify her as "the best person for the job".

Desperate, Sharon played the nepotism card. Victoria's brother had Sharon in mind for the job so how 'bout it? Victoria wouldn't budge. That was then - this is now. Inexperienced, runs away at the first sign of trouble, can't hold a marriage together Victoria is running the show now. If Sharon hangs around long enough she may toss her a scrap. Furthermore, Sharon should go through what other candidates do. The last thing Victoria wants is to be accused of playing favorites. Not that she'd know as the one and only job Victoria has ever held down was given to her on a silver platter by dear old daddy Newman.

What incredible gall, am I right? Here's my message to Sharon: You shall rise again, kiddo. You shall overcome, all 90 famously bitchy party-riffic pounds of you. I know you will. You must. You're all we've got left. You are the last, thin gasp of a dying, radiant era. It's only you, Sharon. Kick Dru and Victoria out of the way, leaving only you to take up the burden and carry the spokesgeek flame. You'll do the cosmetics world proud. Yes! Only you, my precious Sharon. Because we know you're getting screwed and not the way you want to be. We know you're the last of a dying breed, the end of a line. Thank you, Sharon. Thank you for representing motherhood and apple pie. But most of all, thank you for refusing to give up. After Cassie's death you're prepared to move on like nothing happened 'cause that's you in a nutshell, baby. Don't let those spoiled snotbags get away with this. You show 'em Sharon. Get on your knees under Brad's tiny penis. Show him who really sucks.

Bad Moves Always Make Me Cry
October 3, 2005

For those who missed it the first five or one hundred times, the shaky Nick and Sharon Newman marriage is shaking again. Let's pretend for a moment you care deeply about these diaper-wearing adults and maybe even ogled/cringed at Sharon's frequently hanging out breasts and Nick's new greasy look. You felt their pain when daughter Cassie Newman died and presumed that while it's taking Nick longer to get over the grief than it took Sharon, they'd soon focus attention on their growing nine-year-old son, Noah, their aging parents and become the all-American family they claim to be.

But it wasn't to be. Within days of Cassie's death Sharon's thoughts were preoccupied with sex. Nick wasn't, or couldn't get, up for it so Sharon turned her attention to Brad Carlton, a still legally married man with a daughter related to Sharon and the Newman family. Brad, slime that he is, a sleaze in a race to beat Victor Newman's record of having sex with, marrying and divorcing more women than Eli Lily has toxic pills, would love nothing more than nail Sharon, but he's stringing her along in the hope Sharon's sister-in-law will prove to be the better lay - or something.

Having gone so long without sex and denying all those real men in Italy, Victoria Newman was hot to trot when she returned to Genoa City. The first, um, man, she sucked up to was Jack Abbott who at one time had been married to her mother, and for all intents and purposes is old enough to be her father, and in a roundabout way could still be considered her step-father. No prize, Jack would have put the pork to Victoria had he the chance and if his former wife, Phyllis Summers, hadn't said she wanted him back.

Since there's a shortage of men to chose from in this city, Victoria's second best choice was Brad. Just this week she said she'd made her mind up to have Brad because when she sets her sights on something she gets it. This, despite Brad's age and that he's had sex with Victoria's former step-mother, Ashley Carlton, and almost married Victoria's mother.

That these incestuous and age differential relationships are creepy on the surface go without saying. It's the underlying motive, what makes these women want men related to their own families, men married numerous times with children spread all over hell that beg the question: Why can't Nick and Victoria do better?

Because it's not about doing better or doing right. It's about jealousy! The jealousy when Nick figures out what Brad and Sharon are up to; the jealousy between Sharon and Victoria; the wringing of hands when Nick and Victoria's parents find out and ask for the umpteenth time what is to become of their precious children.

Unless there is a massive group of voyeurs out there who've never seen Nick and Sharon going through a marriage breakup, who else is there to care? It's like watching a bad movie over and over. It never gets better. But, with a little imagination, it could.

What if Nick and Sharon were popping out babies like crazy and draining the welfare system? What if one or both of these two nitwits was gay and fighting for basic human rights, whining about wanting to marry the man or woman of the same sex they've fallen for? Wouldn't that be explosive? Couldn't so much be said of their pagan sorcery it would take God's manly, flag-waving, 100 percent heterosexual population months to sort it out? Think of all the whispering about Nick being queer behind his back. Think what people would say seeing Sharon holding hands with or kissing her lover in public? Wouldn't that jack some jaws? Turns heads on end?

People like Gina Roma and John Abbott could make endless speeches about wanting to teach Nick and Sharon a thing or two about American values all while appeasing the terrified Walnut Grove Academy teachers considering kicking Noah out of school because his parents went over to the dark side. Think of all the "healthy marriages" messages. Think of Christine 'Bug' Blair taking up the cause of doing something to protect the sanctity of marriage before it all falls apart and her straight white gay-hating God up and abandons the city entirely.

Look. This is not a completely hideous idea. Since the likes of Nick and Sharon and Victoria and Brad and Ashley and just name anyone in Genoa City right now unable to keep their hetero relationships and marriages together, why not see if being with the same sex would work? Think of the money and despair it would save ditzy slut Sharon. She wouldn't have to run off to Denver, get totally loaded on vodka slammers and sleep with strange men. She wouldn't have to come home a few weeks later and promise never to do it again only to do it again like she's doing now.

Matrimony wouldn't have to be all about sad-looking white people claiming God as their savior having impure thoughts about those related to, or members of, their family. Nick could take that perpetual wooden-mannequin smirk off his face and stop having bad sex once a month with the lights off. Sharon could stop letting her kids die and pretending to be a virile, much sought after teenage-looking girl like her mother-in-law. She and Nick could stop flaunting their pseudo-pious homophobic missionary-position ethos.

The possibilities are endless and should be explored if these people can't get it through their thick skulls what it meant when they took those wedding vows. Marriage is about family and two people committing to dealing with each other's crap for the next 50 years. For Nick and Sharon to go through another around of cheating will do nothing to restore our faith in them. They've gone through more chances than any one couple deserve and blew it each time. To say they're only going to deal with jealousy this time is so high-school, so puppy love. These are two bozos approaching middle age. If the jealousy game must be played, let the hunkmonkey J.T. Hellstrom and gorilla girl Mac Browning play it.

It would appear that without some creativity, without Nick accepting that Sharon is a slut and maybe agreeing to let her sleep around so long as she let's him watch from the closet, this replay, this bad movie will never get better.

Newman Love on the Rocks
September 4, 2005

Daniel Romalotti's trial may be over, but Nick and Sharon Newman's fight is just beginning now that Genoa City's golden couple realize they've never been further apart emotionally.

"They're trying to overcome the loss of Cassie. Time has passed now and they feel like they should be able to do this. But it's not as easy as that," says top scribe Jack Smith.

Indeed, Sharon has already done most of her grieving and wants to get on with her life by returning to her job at Newman Enterprises. Nick, on the other hand, has been bottling up his emotions and believes saving his family means spending time with them to the exclusion of everything else.

"Sharon is moving along in a more proactive way than Nick. While Nick's way of dealing with this is to not throw himself into a project of work. He's throwing himself into the project of Noah," says Smith.

Adding to the tension is that Nick wants to sell the Jitter Joint. Sharon won't approve as the coffee house by day, club for all ages by night, is the place where they officially fell in love. The proposed sale of what turned into an extramarital affairs breeding pit will, in Sharon's head, justify her turn to another man for comfort.

Extramarital Sex Not Against Moral Code as Newman Goes to Work

August 31, 2005

So Sharon Newman has decided to go back to work following a few weeks away from the office during which it can't be said she was exactly lost in grief over the death of her first born. This is how gold diggers like Sharon, and the Newmans in general, react to death. They wallow around in self-pity spewing about the needless and senseless lost of life for a few days and then it's like nobody died. They go about their meaningless lives and pick up their hatemongering where they left off.

Nobody seems to know, least of all Sharon, what exactly it is she does at Newman Enterprises. As the CEO's wife, and the interim CEO's sister-in-law, Sharon isn't required to do much of anything. She doesn't even have to go to work to pull down a paycheck except that saying she's going to the office makes her feel important.

As if more proof is needed to show just what an idiot this woman is she had to ask new executive hire Brad Carlton this week if her job was still available. Happy to hear Sharon is back in the event he gets horny and fully expecting that she'll willingly put out for him atop the nearest desk, Brad said of course the job is still open. Who'd be dumb enough to eliminate the boss' wife's position? As expected, particularly at a time when Sharon and her husband are growing apart and Brad has an agreement with his wife to see other women while they are still legally married, Brad had to ask how Sharon's marriage is holding up. This opened the door for Sharon to whine how distant Nick seems and to ask Brad "will it ever be all right to enjoy myself again?"

The rich and powerful in Genoa City love extramarital sex. They preach family values and the need to raise their children in virginal bliss and the schools here expel students who violate strict moral standards, but this doesn't stop them from swapping partners, sleeping with family members or the boss' spouse.

Sexually bitter and morally frantic they try dictating governmental policy and what can be seen on TV. They go about their brief cultural burps, their little speed bumps on the highway that leads them all, irreversibly, toward grinning open-leg giddiness. A prime example, Sharon was recently caught trying to shove her tongue down the throat of her husband's father subsequent to having sex with a total stranger in Denver, Colorado, she later swore she'd killed, helped hide his body in the sewer system and got away with the perfect crime.

And for all this Nick Newman eventually forgave his wife saying she was "vulnerable" at the time and himself busted for having sex with another woman said it was okay because "it only happened one time" when in reality it had happened at least twice.

No matter how hard these faux-Christians oppress and protest and demand the schools oust students who drive drunk and swear society will be better off while totally ignoring those who buy booze for minors, residents like the Newmans and the Carltons and the Abbotts keep moving toward sexual openness and free vibrators for teenage girls and free condoms for teenage boys. Still, same-sex marriage and one-second nipple flashes during Superbowls appall them.

When their own teenagers follow their examples they bitch and moan the kids aren't ready for sex at 17 even though said kids have already had sex and contracted STDs. They brag about having their first sexual experience long before the age of 17, but when their kids do it ship them off to boarding school as if this isn't where Nick Newman and Daniel Romalotti were first seen laying in bed with a hot babe at their side. When Nick blew into Genoa City the first words out of his mouth were "where are the hot babes?" Unfortunately for Nick, the best he could find was a poor girl named Sharon Collins who already had stretch marks and a baby she'd given up for adoption because allegedly she hadn't been ready to raise the kid alone and the mechanic she'd gotten it on with didn't want her or the baby.

Rather than do the right thing Sharon tossed the kid then went in search of a rich boy who could give her what she really wanted; money. Even when she'd accomplished her goal the last thing on Sharon's tiny mind was her daughter. It wasn't until Sharon thought Grace Turner might get Cassie that she put up a fight. When Cassie died a few years later Sharon didn't give it much thought preferring instead to suck around Brad because Nick was spending so much time grieving over a child that wasn't even his and not satisfying her sexual needs.

Hateful, sexually small and a city right this minute being led, morally speaking, by a cadre of horny women like Ashley Carlton and Lily Winters who have about as much sex appeal as a toad, now it's Sharon's turn again to get back on the job of squeezing testicles, running her fingers over Brad's hairless chest for the sole purpose of Nick cramming down the bleak hole of sexual ignorance how he's been betrayed so therefore it's okay for him to do the same thing albeit it not with a man because homosexuality goes against his moral code.

World's Greatest Role Model?
April 29, 2005

There's role modeling, and there's role modeling. There's the kind of role modeling where everything in its warped purview has been whitewashed with dorkiness.

So then. Meet Nick Newman. He's the CEO of Newman Enterprises. But not really. He's actually a joker. A boy in diapers looking for manhood.

Nick has, for some reason, declared his rock impaled wife the World's Greatest Role Model. If only Sharon was a man she'd therefore be the perfect example of manliness for Nate Hastings were it not for the fact Sharon is no such thing and exists only in Nick's empty head. Were Sharon anything but a cheap whore Olivia Winters would have scooped her up years ago when the Butcher of Genoa City was searching so hard for someone to teach her stunted son how to be a man before giving up in frustration.

Nick's decree was so syrupy and exaggerated it would make you gag if it weren't so breathtaking in its harrowing vision of colon-flaming hell. Has Nick lost his mind? Has he forgotten that night he watched with his own sunken eyes as Sharon tried sticking her tongue down his father's throat?

Is Nick's love for Sharon so unquestioningly skewed that everything becomes sweet and sticky and warm, like green tea? Has Nick's inability to count how many times Sharon cheated on him related to a lack of fingers and toes? Is this why Nick sees Sharon as the perfect example of womanhood for which his adopted daughter should follow along in the pecker tracks?

Oh yes, Nick. There's nothing more important than family unity and happy children and your sluttish wife trying to make your daughter look like a condom-carrying child porn star.

A Wonderful Lesson
March 28, 2005
 

Just when it appeared Sharon Newman was developing a tiny shred of intelligence, like when she kept saying, correctly, that Dru Winters is a useless piece of cow dung, is in no way qualified to be working at anything other than scrubbing toilets and should never have been hired by her back-stabbing husband to takeover a toxic cosmetics company like Rash & Sassy, she sunk back Monday into the phlegm-hocking bad habit of saying things that make absolutely no sense.

Only hours after telling her daughter to stay put at the Newman Ponderosa; to stay home and study for those infamous Walnut Grove Academy midterms, Sharon's car mysteriously would not run presumably after she'd driven it into town for a meeting and back.

As it turned out the cause was a car battery that had gone dead merely because Sharon had left the lights on. How odd given that since at least 1980 the cheapest cars have come equipped with warning signals to alert drivers that the lights are on when the ignition is turned off and more expensive models have automatic shutoff systems designed specifically to prevent a battery from going dead.

What's weird is not so much that Sharon's car battery died but that the Magic Hitachi she uses to simulate brain activity seems to be malfunctioning in that it causes Genoa City's biggest whore to become a wanton baton twirler in the Parade of Hypocrisy.

Flash back quickly if you dare. See Sharon begging her mother-in-law to help cover up a crime? See Nikki Newman doing everything possible to help Sharon including breaking the law? What a difference a year makes.

With the busy, busy schedule Sharon claims to have these days it was also amazing she had time this week to berate Nikki about the trip to Italy and to infer following the departure of house guests Bobby and Brittany Marsino that Nikki is feeling "lonely" again.

This latest round of sliming came as Sharon was returning the keys to Nikki's car which the old cow had been nice enough to loan her although why she had to borrow a car is anyone's guess as presumably Nick Newman knew his blowup doll wife was having car problems, told the nitwit "that's what happens when you leave the lights on" and presumably are a two-car family.

Knowing damn well it's easy to distract an empty-headed blowhard Nikki changed the subject when she noticed a slab of Goth-black mascara laying about. Since the goop would not exactly highlight her sunken eyes, did not belong to Sharon and could not have possibly fallen out of Miguel the man-slave Rodriguez's pocket, Nikki presumed it belonged to Sharon's daughter given that 14-year-old Cassie has taken to wearing gobs of makeup.

Sharon was taken aback. Was Nikki suggesting that Cassie is trying to emulate her skanky mother? Will Cassie be spreading her legs soon for any manly stranger that happens by? Is Nikki out of touch with what young girls are doing to themselves these days? Hasn't Nikki been visiting the local schools and noticing that all kids are looking like zombies with their ill-fitting clothes and blue hair?

Nikki said Cassie's action had nothing to do with what other Ritalin-hyper teens are doing. Wearing eyeliner and lipstick is Cassie's way of acting out because she doesn't have a soccer mom. She and Sharon don't spend time together baking cookies or cleaning behind the refrigerator. Until he took up T-ball that was brother Noah's forte. Nikki suggested too that if Sharon stayed home more often Cassie might not look like such a freak.

Sharon nearly blew a Tampon. Nikki was a fine one to talk. Who, exactly, raised Victoria and Nick Newman? It sure as hell wasn't Nikki. It sure as hell wasn't Victor Newman. Just last year Nick blabbered how Jack Abbott was the only father he's ever known and then last month tried stabbing him in the back as he did Victor. It sure as hell wasn't Victor or Nikki who rescued little Victoria from the pool when she fell in and nearly drowned. Sharon said at least she doesn't have a daughter who ran away from her mother like Victoria did from Nikki when she fled to Italy.

Nikki could have reminded Sharon about that time not so long ago when she abandoned her entire family to have sex with a strange man without any communication with her children for nearly a year; it was Sharon who couldn't be found when Cassie lay near death after falling through the frozen ice and on and on, but realized that trying to rationalize with Sharon is like convincing a Bible-thumper Jesus is dead.

That's when Sharon heard a car outside in the driveway and moments later saw Cassie walk in. Without going to the window, without being able to distinguish between the sound a car makes and the sound a bus makes, Sharon lit into Cassie. Wasn't it too early for the bus to be dropping her off?

Forget the damn bus! Hadn't Sharon told Cassie not to leave home? Quickly seizing on her mother's malfunctioning excuse for a brain Cassie said a friend had dropped her which really sent Sharon's weak vital signs into a tailspin. That damn kid wanted to be dropped off at the main house so she wouldn't know Cassie didn't take the bus when she was supposed to be home.

Five steps ahead of Sharon, Cassie was called a liar when she said she'd wanted to say hello to Granny. Was there anything wrong with that? Why was Sharon getting so bent? Other parents don't. If Sharon wanted to be pissed it should have been because she went to "study" with her friends after she'd been told to stay home.

Sharon was further upset to learn that the not yet out of junior high school Cassie had gotten a ride home from Max Powers, a high school senior, and this was, except when she was tramping around with Matt Clark and Nick Newman, a no-no due to the age difference. Hadn't Cassie heard what's happening with Granny's house guests?

Told to get her ass down to the outhouse and do her homework Cassie took off in such a rush she didn't hear her purse go plop on the carpet or hear her mother gasp moments later when the condom inside was found.

The upshot of Sharon's initial fear is this: Unless she's attending abstinence-only sex classes Cassie is way too young to have a condom in her purse and looking like Gloria Abbott. But it isn't any reason for Sharon to have a fit. The kid is fine.

Kids are not traumatized by much of anything we think they are. Kids are not scarred for life by hearing penis jokes on the radio or by seeing quarter-second flashes of famous nipples on TV. Kids are not freaked by reading the word "f--" in these pages, which of course they can't, because we can't print it unless Dru Winters says it, because if they saw it they would explode and die.

What traumatizes kids and stabs at their innocent souls like Ashley Abbott thrusts at integrity? Kraft Lunchables. Drug-happy TV commercials. Refined sugar. Rampant hypocrisy.

You want to traumatize your daughter, Sharon? Try telling her how Newman Enterprises and Jabot Cosmetics and Chancellor Industries are being allowed to poison the air and the water and the food supply. Try explaining to your kids why police detective Hank 'KGB' Webber looks the other way when crimes are being committed right under his nose but goes after Kevin Fisher like a rabid pig when there is no evidence to warrant stomping all over Kevin's civil rights.

Try explaining self-righteous organized religions that tell kids their bodies are evil and their natural urges are sinful and their new Messiah is Bobby Marsino and all the finest Genoa City business leaders go to the local strip club to let it all hang out. Tell your son, Sharon. Tell Noah why that priest looks at him so longingly at church. Oh, that's right. Your ilk only go to Church for funerals and weddings. Your kind only pray to God when there's something in it for you.

Really, now, is there any scar more grievous than that? Anything more traumatic than teaching our kids it's okay to have sex at the office or in the stable with the hired help or with strangers just because they're feeling lost and confused? That it's okay to commit crimes and move dead bodies? That it's okay to steal sperm and have babies? That it's okay to commit adultery so long as it happens only once or twice or three times with your best friend?

What a wonderful lesson.

Give the Whore a Hand
March 21, 2005

Kudos to Sharon Newman. All those rocks rolling around in her empty head must have finally knocked some sense into her. Mrs. Newman grumbled this week that Dru Winters should never have been given a three year employment contract at Newman Enterprises because she's "hardly ever" at work, is not a "good manager", does not return phone calls and hasn't lifted a finger to help Sharon do her job at the company despite the fact that nobody knows exactly what Sharon does outside sleeping with strange men.

Mrs. Newman added that were Winters still employed at Jabot, had she not walked out on the company when the going got tough, she would have been fired by now.

With a straight face, with no sense of humiliation or an overpowering sense that he is contributing quite nicely to the overall ignorance, NE CEO Nick Newman told his wife to stop questioning his business decisions.

"But I'm your wife," Sharon hacked, as if short-attention-spanned spazzballs with no experience or education should be consulted on employment matters. As if she was hired for anything other than sex at the office when Nick gets bored with the coloring books and Tinker Toys.

Told that all his decisions are final, except when they're overruled by Poppy Newman, Sharon accused Nick of "pulling rank" on her when she should know the only thing Nick can pull is his pud.

To Honor & Obey
February 10, 2005

Of all the bad attributes Genoa City's many prominent citizens possess the worse is that they can't be trusted. They cannot be believed when they promise to "move on" with their meaningless lives, but never get anywhere, or promise never to work for Newman men again, then go to work for a Newman male.

Earlier this week Sharon Newman swore up and down she'd never go to work for her husband or stick by her commitment to help the ailing Jabot Cosmetics out of its financial hardship. She was angry to learn that she was thought so little of that in order to get her onboard at Jabot a deal had to be made to pay her under the table. But just two days later she promised to honor and obey Nick Newman by accepting his nepotistic job offer at Newman Enterprises.

Oh my, but how they lie. Oh lord, how much in need they are these useless, uneducated, inexperienced shrills like Dru Winters, Phyllis Summers and Mrs. Newman. How in demand they are that Victor Newman got all snippy when his son refused to prod Sharon and maybe remind her of the promises and boot-licking she did in order to get the Jabot job in the first place. How badly the great man wanted his daughter-in-law to stay at Jabot if only for six, long months. How truly sad it was watching the Mustache quibble with his son, begging him to let one of the most toxically small-minded women on the planet stay on as company spokesgeek. How pathetic it was hearing the master of powerbrokers say that had Nick made the decision to force his wife into keeping her agreements it would have been the smartest decision any CEO could have made and all the more reason why he'd anointed Nick as CEO in the first place.

How idiotic to hear Nick reply that his decision not to let Sharon stay is exactly what his father would do were the shoe on the other foot. Seemingly heavily sedated on Xanax and Nyquil and cheap-ass Cabana Boy rum Nick said his Pa was just being grumpy since he, still quite in control of Newman Enterprises, was now the "underdog" at Jabot. How appropriate that Victor reminded the little back-stabbing bastard bitch-boy in diapers that it'll be a cold day in Hell before he'll be anyone's underdog.

How loathe and despicable that Victor would have to kowtow to Sharon; telling her that in all of Genoa City he can't find another shrill as if Jabot has anything right now to shrill about. How freaking bad must thing get when Heinz has to advertise its catsup when it's the best damn catsup in the universe? Which is to say, if Jabot has a great product line it'll sell itself just fine without the city whore begging consumers to buy it.

And what an ungrateful whore this bitch is. When it was Victor who did everything he could to save her pitiful marriage, when it was Victor who took the heat when she stuck her tongue down his throat and would have spread her legs for him, Sharon had the audacity to tell him Thursday, "You're standing in my way again."

Not to mention Sharon's a family-destroying sinner who's own child at one time was deeply terrified of everything she did and stood for and inserted into her perverted little body, the body snatcher said the reason she's now going over to Newman Enterprises is so that she'll have more time to spend with her children.

Does this not speak volumes? Does this not make people scratch their heads and wonder what in the hell she's talking about given the time Sharon spends with her kids who must be carted around and attended to by one of Newman's many slaves?

Like a loyal dog ready to go fetch Sharon bought Nick's excuse for lying to her hook, line, and sinker. Look fool, if I hadn't lied you wouldn't have a fancy new job. See? It's like war. No real reason for going to war? Make one up, tell it enough times and it'll be accepted as the truth just as you have, my darling Sharon. Now sit. Let me pat you on the head. Let me tell you how proud I am of you.

Bow-wow, bow-wow. Promise me oh master, Nick. Say we'll never become like your mother and father when fool that I am can't see that's exactly what we're becoming as it was so predicted long ago. Tell me - oh, wait. I've got to squat and take a pee. Tell me now we're "different" and that your family will always come before work which we know it won't, but tell me anyway while I scratch this itch. Tell me, Nick, oh ruler of the short leash I'm on that I'll never be able to leave a room without a kiss and perhaps a good poke doggie style. Oh, thank you kind sir. Now when do I start work?

Never since her insipid little whorehouse years has Sharon been more dumb-as-nails. Never since Larry Warton almost had his way with Nick has he been in such need of a good spanking. The problem is: he'd like it. Victor was right when he said this week he made a mistake putting this kid in charge of the empire. Look at Nick. Running around the office all day humping the furniture and whimpering. Now, with Sharon by his side constantly in heat all he'll have to do is lift his leg.

The long and short of it was that Nick wouldn't hear of it. Six months was too long to go without sex at the office which is, when Sharon's real purpose is broken down to its common denominator, why Nick really wants her at his feet. And she, despite having said she'd never work for a Newman man, was eager to honor and obey.

Bamboozled, Prized Employee Crosses Newman Men Off List Of Employers!

February 7, 2005

How incredibly amazing is it that Sharon Newman never once looked at her pay stub and therefore didn't notice that no deductions had been withheld? It's no secret this woman is dumber than dirt but even an idiot wants to know how much of their earnings the government is stealing from them. Yes, stealing, for when has anyone been asked if they'd like to hand over upwards one quarter of their pay and do it voluntarily?

Had she not stopped by Victor Newman's office this week - to say she's quitting Jabot Cosmetics - Newman still wouldn't know. Right before saying that her pro-corporate-licking kowtowing spokesgeek skills are in much demand and that Newman Enterprises can offer far more "challenges" and an opportunity to work with her husband Nick, she had no idea. What did Mr. Money Bags mean when he said if he had it all to do over he'd make sure she signed a contract and have Jabot pay her salary?

Wasn't she being paid by Jabot? Didn't it say in 12-point bold font on the checks: JABOT COSMETICS? Or, presuming Jabot employees are paid by direct deposit wouldn't it be written on the stubs: JABOT COSMETICS? What the hell was going on? If Jabot wasn't paying her, who was?

Trying to make it sound as if the paying of employees under the table is not a serious violation of the law and not jumping at the opportunity to nail those who arranged the underhandedness, Mr. Newman said the way his prized employee got paid was "unorthodox".

And make no mistake about it. Although Newman was hired as a "consultant" to save the financially troubled Jabot he has the power to hire and fire and ban people from the building.

The rocks rolling around in her otherwise empty head caused Sharon to become very confused. Un-ortho? Dox? What the hell did the big word mean? Was the Mustache inferring somebody else was paying her?

Uneasy with explaining such matters Newman tried shining it on but was rebuffed when Sharon threatened to confront every member of the Jabot Board of Directors until she found out. Perhaps wanting to spare Sharon the embarrassment of being laughed at and humiliated and maybe told by board members what a useless, moronic piece of nepotistic crap she is, Victor told her.

Thanks to a deal Nick Newman worked out with former company CEO Jack Abbott, which was sanctioned by company executives Brad and Ashley Carlton, she'd been paid under the table.

Sharon raced out to the Newman ponderosa to tell her husband she'd given her notice at Jabot and didn't appreciate what he'd done behind her back. How could she have been such a fool? More importantly, what did it say about their marriage? Why was Nick treating her like a child? Could it have anything to do with the fact that just a year ago she'd killed a man and tried to cover up the crime? Could it be she'd run off before that leaving her children to wonder whether they'd ever see their mother again? Could it be she'd had sex with seemingly dozens of men and would have had sex with her father-in-law had Victor been accommodating? Could it be she has no education or experience that would qualify her to work at anything but slinging hash at a coffee shop?

Sharon's little rant was so cute as to be retching. But she did do one smart thing. She swore never to work for a Newman man again.

Had the corporate whores heard this pronouncement they might have squealed like hogs. "What? Sharon Newman's services are no longer available? Oh, God! What will we do without her?"

Are they idiots? These so-called business leaders? This is the ultimate question. Are they really such imbeciles as to think Sharon is indispensable? Or are they just wealthy and heartless corporatized jerks insulated from authentic reality and entirely devoid of all perspective?

Will Sharon give up her dream? That was it - wasn't it? Her dream to become a viable part of something? Didn't she want to become misguided, money-drunk and power-sucked? Will she wake up? Note she said Newman men. Not Abbott men. Not Carlton men, of which there is but one and the two who conspired to make an ass out of Sharon not that she needed any help.

Maybe then it will all change for the better relatively soon. Maybe Sharon's brief step in the corporate cow pie was really just a bad and vicious joke meant to send a message: It is simply unconscionable that a small and spoiled little woman, who has very little real idea what she's doing and even less of how the hell to do it, got hired in the first place. It would be funny, in a toilet-humored sort of way, were it not so poisonous and depressing.

So then, to much of the college educated three-degree-holding unemployed, to all those who want Sharon to get out and stay out of the business world there is hope. Sharon is not business savvy, never will be and should go back to what she does best. Spreading her legs for total strangers.

But keep this in mind. The nepotistic steamroller is powerful. It's too well oiled and blood soaked and fear inducing to be stopped. After all, if the Carltons and the Abbotts and the Damon Porters can continue tinkering with a company they've help destroy who's to say Sharon won't resurface soon like the cancer she so obviously is.

Jabot's Only Hope Calls It Quits!
January 26, 2005

The cosmetics community was shocked beyond belief this week when it was announced Jabot Cosmetics spokesgeek Sharon Newman has quit.

Her reasoning based solely on the grunts of her husband that she deserves better, Mrs. Newman will move immediately to Nick Newman's side as a spokesgeek for Newman Enterprises without ever noticing no deductions were taken out of her Jabot paycheck.

Learning of the news firsthand, Jabot consultant Victor Newman was stunned but did not question why Newman Enterprises needs a spokes anything given that it has never had one in the past.

Just last November former Jabot Cosmetics CEO Jack Abbott had urged that Jabot layoff 20-percent of its workforce so that the failing firm could start the new year "mean and lean" yet had no qualms about the hiring of the uneducated, inexperienced Newman.

"Sharon would be a great spokesperson for Jabot products," Abbott hacked, as he personally pulled the strings that made Newman's employment possible, and in a brazen act of illegality arranged to have Newman paid "under the table".

The notion that anyone wanting a fancy job for which they aren't qualified can get one is common practice in Genoa City. Nepotism Central COO Brad Carlton assured Abbott that Newman would be "a quick study" and her hiring another way to "stick it" to Victor Newman. So what if the woman has no experience? It didn't matter.

During her interview Mrs. Newman admitted she didn't know much about Jabot except that it is a "prestigious" company that makes "quality" toxic chemical products mostly for "women of color" and shouldn't be concerned with targeting men who, she said, should buy their cosmetics at the drug store.

Carlton was so impressed with Newman's lack of knowledge he almost hired her on the spot. But what really bowled Carlton over was Sharon's stunning speech.

"When a woman puts on makeup it makes her feel feminine. Sexy, almost like a star. She gets transported out of the real world. I know how that is."

Subsequent to her employment newspaper reporters Jim Hollings and Gwen Peterson interviewed Mrs. Newman. With only forty five minutes of on the job training under her belt, and with Nikki Newman close at hand to make sure she toed the company line, Newman greeted the reporters with the standard "although I haven't met you before, I feel like I know you," line of BS. She told of often reading the reporters' respective columns when it was clear she could barely comprehend Archie Comics.

Asked if she'd read Peterson's last column Sharon said oh, sure. Every word. Although the column bashed Jabot into the ground Sharon said the company is "always looking for ways to improve".

Looking over Jabot's press release Peterson noticed it was Newman's first day on the job and seemed confused as to what, exactly, she was hired to do. Asked directly, Newman said, "I'm spokesperson for the company at large. "I think I'll be very happy here. My husband is very supportive."

Peterson also questioned the timing of Newmans employment. Calling it "interesting" in that by working at Jabot Newman was trying to send Nick Newman a "message", the more Peterson thought about it the more he wondered what he was wasting his time interviewing a box of rocks. Was Newman's employment a "publicity stunt?"

Newman didn't get it. She had no clue she was being made fun of and ridiculed or that the reporters could see after just five minutes that she is one dumb dork riding the coattails of a well-connected family.

"My job at Jabot is very exciting," Sharon babbled only to hem and haw when asked what exciting things she had in store for the cosmetics consuming public.

Other than Victor Newman, Jabot executives had no immediate comment on Mrs. Newman sudden bail out perhaps out of embarrassment since some had considered the woman to be Jabot's silver bullet. Its magic orchid. In fact, Mr. Carlton said she was the company's "great hope."

On the eve of Newman's first speech as company spokesgeek Carlton looked over a draft of his protégé's work and smacked his lips. Damn, but the nitwit did fine work. She had a "knack" for speech writing. Never mind that she needed his help and had worked into the wee hours of the night so as to appear sleepy during her presentation the next morning.

"You are just what we needed here," Brad cooed, as a dripping with pride Newman asked, "You mean it, Brad?"

In the real world there is zero chance anyone would hire Newman to do much more than scrub toilets or run a coffee shop. But Genoa City is not the real world. Here, in a place where so much emphasis is placed on getting an education, where kids are constantly asked why they aren't in school, having an education doesn't matter. It's not what you know - it's who you know.

"They really need me here," Sharon said just two months ago and here she is jumping ship. Sure, she did say she'd keep her husband's offer of a job at Newman Enterprises in mind much the way she keeps her brain in a jar by the door. But shouldn't she have given Jabot some notice? A chance to find new hope?