Please visit this merchant

Columnists

Archives

Ways you can support the GCN

2005 News Archives
Sheila Carter
See Also: Lauren Fenmore  Scotty Grainger  Tom Fisher  Michael Baldwin
  Theatre of Absurd

Sheila and the 7 Stooges

December 22, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

"Oh Lord, please say it ain't so. Please say I won't have to write another word about the Tom Fisher/Sheila Carter mess because I don't think I can take much more," I asked God in a brief prayer only to have Him bellow back, "Sorry, my son. But you must. Your readers are sitting on pins and needles waiting for another update so they can ask themselves again if this is not the dumbest thing they ever did hear."

And so it was with a heavy keyboard that I punched out the following recap of what can only be called, "Sheila Carter and the Seven Stooges".

Or is it eight? Or nine now that a GCPD detective is on the case? Armed with a warrant on Thursday, detective Troy Hawkins arrived at the Motor Arms Inn parking garage to go over Tom's hog. At his side, Genoa City's most clueless PI Paul Williams asked, "You've got a search warrant?"

"I wouldn't be here if I didn't," Hawkins snapped, almost causing Paul to blurt out, "Gosh, why bother with warrants? I never do." Asking what he might do to help, Clueless was told emphatically to stay the hell out of the way when Michael Baldwin dropped in.

Back from Florida, his lip dragging, Michael sputtered on about how there's not much hope for his wife's survival. Less than 48-hours after the boat on which Mrs. Baldwin was a passenger exploded, the Coast Guard was close to calling off the search.

"Miracles happen everyday," a jovial Clueless remarked, and as if by some premonition knew it takes more than a bomb to rid the world of his former wife.

Since he had nothing but time to kill, Michael must have figured it wouldn't do any harm to say for the umpteenth time, "I'm going to make Tom Fisher pay."

Clueless agreed. They better do something. Otherwise that "bastard" Tom might get to a country without an extradition treaty.

Before the conversation could become any more bizarre the cop chimed in to say the boys better not get their hopes up. Since the alleged crime happened "at sea" there would be jurisdictional problems especially if Fisher was involved. Michael said it's not a question of if Tom was involved. He was and he's gonna pay. Clueless let off a brain fart. Yeah, and that Jennifer Mitchell too. She's into it up to her eyeballs.

Oops, Michael was confused again. Why was Paul so "fixated" on Jennifer, he wondered, but did not ask, "So why aren't you out there looking for her?" Not that Paul had an answer, he too was confused again about the status of his investigation. Let's see: there's the plane ticket confirmation which doesn't mean Tom actually flew on a plane and...

"That sounds incriminating to me," Michael injected, only to have Clueless blow off the supposition as just a way Tom might have avoided appearing at his court hearing.

"He's been after my family for months," Michael went on and God have mercy there wasn't anyone around who might have whacked him upside the head a few times because every time he opens his yap Michael sounds like some high school dropout.

The point Clueless and Michael and the stooges keep missing is right under their big noses yet for some reason they don't see that anything the say from here on out doesn't help their case. Since they've known for months of the danger, why didn't they do anything about knowing what little they do know? That's the whole premise. That's what makes us scream and ask if this isn't the dumbest thing ever to have affected so many? It's like someone passed out stupid pills and they eagerly gulped them down.

To make the point that they are incompetent fools, Clueless added, "There are too many things that don't add up."

And then it was Scotty Grainger's turn to display his stupidity. Told by Clueless again that Jennifer Mitchell/Brenda Harris ain't who Scotty thinks she is, Scotty got all snippy. Why didn't Clueless tell him? How could it be? Does Clueless have any proof?

Clueless rattled off the list of things he found while illegally searching Jennifer's motel room. The disguises, the wigs and most importantly, the British accent CD.

Scotty was taken aback. Damn! Clueless knew all this time. So why didn't he tell? Well, in a way, he did. He told Scotty to stay away from Brenda. Only now, Clueless is modifying his story. Seems he promised Lauren he wouldn't tell because she was afraid it would ruin the wedding. Makes sense - no? Your life could be in danger by the psychotic woman helping write your son's book but don't say anything because it might ruin the wedding.

How dumb can these people get? It's the unanswered question that keeps stepping on this farce of a drama like a dealer steps on cocaine. Dumb statements are followed by dumber statements like when Clueless said he's made plenty of mistakes but what's done is done. "I can't change the past," he actually said and then, to top it off, said, "I have to find her and hope she leads us to Tom."

So why isn't he out there looking? Why is he standing around with his thumb up his ass and getting off on the smell? Probably because he enjoys the comebacks. Like a whore on 7th avenue, Scotty asked, "How do we do that?"

Not we, you pale faced sissy! Let the frigging cops do it like they should have done in the first place. Jesus! Just writing about this is so damn frustrating you want to line them all up and mow them down with an AK-47. Oh, but wait. Let's hear one more brilliant statement from Clueless regarding the prints he got out of Jennifer's room.

"I hope one of them is hers."

What the hell do prints have to do with the price of rice in China? Somebody put these fools out of their misery. I wouldn't waste my time reporting what happened meantime at the farm house on the outskirts of the city where Tom is holding Lauren and Sheila captive had it not been for Sheila's explanation as to how she escaped from the loony bin.

Sheila convinced a female warden named "Sugar" to go to South America where she had plastic surgery and came out looking like Sheila. Sugar then took Sheila's place inside the looney bin.

So that's it, there is no ending to this story. As Clueless said Wednesday, "Whatever is going on may not be over."

Bombs Away!

December 20, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

And to think I wasted all that time writing an article for today about that A-bomb the Sheila Carter/Tom Fisher fiasco turned out to be when the nuclear bomb went off right under my chair. In the piece I asked questions like, where, exactly is Michael Baldwin; wasn't the Love Boat anchored off a Caribbean island and why is Scotty Grainger going to blame his mother's death on Michael? But it doesn't matter now as we learn that indeed Michael is in Florida which explains why the Coast Guard is investigating.

It also explains why Scotty and Michael's brother got there so fast. Despite the fact that Genoa City's We Fly You Anywhere, Anytime Airlines had only one flight scheduled this morning, Kevin Fisher and Scotty managed to get on it. When they arrived at the Coast Guard station the first thing Scotty noticed was Michael holding his mother's purse. For all that he doesn't know, Scotty knows purses. He knows too that they float in the water and, unlike Lauren Fenmore-Baldwin's body, didn't get caught in the current and float out to sea so far the Coast Guard hasn't been able to locate it.

Still, the boys and Michael aren't losing hope. They know, like all those who get into trouble and find themselves hopelessly lost, that Lauren is "a survivor". Yes, for all the bawling and despair Michael's exhibited just thinking about his wife, there is "no doubt" in his mind that she'll be found. There is one caveat, however. They must have "faith". They must believe that in the end God or Jesus or some miracle will save them.

Scotty's been keeping the faith. He knows that in an explosion Lauren would not have been injured in any way; he knows she wouldn't be bleeding and eaten by sharks. Hell, she hasn't been floating in the water "that long". He knows too that his mother "can be hard as nails when she's got to be". So yes, Lauren is alive!

When waiting for the tool belt diva to show herself, with hair and makeup intact, it helps to keep one's mind busy. To that end Michael showed the authorities a receipt for an airline ticket Tom Fisher recently purchased. As the person responsible for blowing up the boat, Michael wants Tom captured. Never mind that until the authorities told him Lauren's disappearance might be a homicide he wasn't sure.

According to investigators, that Tom might have been in the area at the time the boat exploded doesn't mean he blew it up. Even after calling the Genoa City Police and learning what a bad boy Tom is, it doesn't mean they can haul him in for questioning even, as they do, the authorities consider Tom a "person of interest."

Had anyone in Florida known they could have all kicked back. Wisconsin's finest PI is on the case! Yes, at that moment Paul Williams was instructing his partner to go to the Motor Arms Inn to determine whether Jennifer Mitchell, the woman renting the motel room he'd broken into twice, was still registered as a guest.

As he accepted the task, J.T. Hellstrom looked tense. His newest babe, Mac Browning could tell. She wanted to know whether J.T. was going out on another mission only J.T. couldn't say. He'd been told earlier by the boss not to discuss the case with anyone. Mac understood perfectly, and said again that's what's "cool" about J.T. He's a man of "mystery" and boy, does she love men like that even if J.T. is but a hairless hunkmonkey.

Mac wasn't the only one wanting to know what was going down. Sperm thief Ashley Carlton was after Clueless for information only suddenly, despite that she helped him break into Tom's apartment just a few hours ago, Clueless wasn't talking shop.

"I don't talk about my cases," Clueless actually said even though he'd just finished telling Ashley that Tom didn't show up for a hearing, is officially on the lam and that he's been trying to get a search warrant for where Tom parks his hog.

Aware that warrants mean nothing to Clueless, Ashley didn't ask why he wouldn't just break into wherever Tom keeps the hog like he did the motel room? She did ask what Clueless thinks he'd find were he to conduct a search, however. Clueless said he didn't know. In fact, Clueless said the only smart thing he's said in the last 30 years.

"I'm flying blind," he squawked, but then Ashley already knew that. As for whether Tom blew up the boat, Clueless wouldn't say. His silence spoke volumes, however.

"I'm picking up a vibe from you," Ashley quipped, leading Clueless to say, yeah. Whenever he puts out vibes it means "we are getting closer." It was then J.T. reported that Jennifer had checked out and that she'd paid Tom's bill too. Clueless could have gotten that information himself over the phone, but when you're trying to impress baby killers and their ilk, why do the obvious? Besides, it wouldn't have given Ashley the chance to say, "Another red flag" before going off to sniff skunk oil which would probably be more thrilling then Clueless' body odor. Oh, but wait. There was one thing Clueless wanted to leave Ashley with. Rule #3 in the fine art of detecting: "If you're not sure about something, trust your instincts."

If Paul 'Clueless' Williams - saying he never talks about his cases and then telling anyone who will listen about them - doesn't cry hypocrisy and isn't the real stink bomb here, then for sure the focus of his investigation is.

Safely back in Wisconsin Tom told the tale of how he not only managed to get off the exploding ship but managed to scoop up Lauren and Shelia too! Never mind that Sheila sped off in a dingy long before the explosion. Tom tracked her down, took her hostage and to a remote farmhouse on the outskirts of Genoa City. Not only does the farm come with all the amenities, but a bomb shelter too!

It seems that as Tom was watching Sheila set the detonator he managed not only to hit her over the head, but had time to consider defusing the bomb. When he couldn't accomplish that he dumped her body in the dingy and with Lauren they all returned to shore where Tom had thought to stash a van. Tom decided not to let Lauren die because if it hadn't been for her he might be dead. Accordingly, Lauren is now his "meal ticket" because he saved her life too. Other than a bump on the head, she's none the worse for wear.

So the story comes full circle and right back to what the GCN said at the beginning. Don't hold your breath that this event has the slightest chance of become a real, edge of your seat drama. Nothing has made any sense, or been in any way, dramatic. From Paul's mind-numbing involvement and law breaking, to Michael's warped thinking, to the toy boat and everyone getting off before it blew up, the return of Sheila Carter has been a waste of time. If any point is to be made it's that all those involved are dumber than dirt. But then, we already knew that

Gilligan's Island

December 15, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

I still can't get over the lack of security surrounding Lauren Fen, um, Baldwin. I was so stunned to learn that the Love Boat she and her new hubby are spending their honeymoon on has no security at all and apparently, a crew of like five, including the Captain. This would explain why Sheila Carter was able to get aboard too. Well, doesn't it? As a rule, when there are things of interest like this for me to write about, I can punch the words out on the keyboard almost immediately. But this, this insanity, blew me so far away it wasn't until some six hours later before I was able to write a small piece and even then it was difficult.

The question that kept going around in my head was: who would believe this? Even I, so able most of the time to imagine the situation and make some sense of it, was stymied. When I first heard the boat was sailing away with the newlyweds I envisioned one of those ocean polluting Carnival Cruise ships. I could see hundreds of passengers and much boarding confusion and Sheila easily slipping past security because port security is so poor and the borders are wide open and all that. I saw Michael and Lauren playing shuffleboard and tanning themselves on the poop deck and hoped the ship would hit an iceberg or a large whale and that in First Class Victor Newman would make a brief appearance so as to give Sheila some credibility and before the boat sank she could kill Lauren and maybe Michael too.

I wanted Sheila to swim away from the wreckage and to a small island where she meets Fidel Castro as a boy and they fall in love. Seriously, I wanted there to be some believability; some drama on the high seas. Instead, what I found myself asking now that Sheila has slipped out of Genoa City, now that she knows exactly where the newlyweds would be catching the boat in Florida and not one of Paul Williams' crack security team members followed her, or went with the Baldwin's just to be sure they didn't fall into Harm's Way, is this: did the boat leave port?

Is the boat still tied up and does this explain why the captain actually takes such an interest in his guests that he personally informs them as to the best time to go snorkeling. I mean, Jesus. I like snorkeling too, but I snorkel in Haunama Bay in Hawaii where I can see the fishes and the seaweed and get the hell out of the water if a big eel comes along. I'm wondering: if the boat is on the high seas what's Michael gonna see snorkeling? Water? If the boat is in port, what's Michael gonna see snorkeling? The dead bodies waiting in the oily, murky water to surface? And what boat chef personally delivers meals to the guests? Is this something Chef Boyardee learned from Gina Roma? What chef informs the guests that he and his mate are going out for supplies? How crazy can it get?

Anchored off an island in the Caribbean, the boat seemed so still. It was like one of those fake boats found on a movie set, or a soap opera. Without the need for seasick pills Lauren was reading her son's manuscript when it dawned on her that Scotty Grainger's soon to be best seller is so similar to her own life story it was downright scary. In fact, the books' main character seemed to literally jump right off the pages. The story was so intense no matter how hard she tried Lauren couldn't make Sheila go away because, of course, Sheila was real. Shelia was speaking in pig Latin.

"Believe your eyes," Sheila told a dazed Lauren, before confirming it's hard to keep a crazy woman down, unless the woman happens to be inexperienced in crazy like Tricia McNeil and Izzy Brana. That night on the roof, the asylum for the criminally insane, the theft of her baby, were all very real. Panic setting in, Lauren didn't have time to ask, "How long have you been standing there?" or "What are you doing here? or "How did you get on this boat?"

She was, however, able to grab the cellphone as if she thought Sheila would wait patiently while she dialed 911. The resulting cat-fight over control of the phone ended when Sheila's partner in crime popped up. With the entire crew off playing Mutiny on the Bounty, Tom Fisher and Sheila managed to get Lauren under control and as they prepared to escort her off the boat Lauren had to ask, "Where are you taking me?"

As if they'd be so stupid to tell her, which they are, but that's another story, Tom said it didn't matter so long as Lauren played nice she wouldn't get hurt. Desperate, Lauren screamed for Michael's help apparently thinking he could hear her over the pounding surf. Because she can't stand helpless women who always fall down when they're running away from whatever evil might be chasing them, or in this case screaming for help when help was a good dingy ride away, Sheila gave Lauren a good whack across the face. She might have smacked her again and again for good measure and as a reminder to always, always make sure you know where your enemies are, had it not been for the sissy-acting Tom.

Such a poor excuse for a bad man, Tom came to Lauren's aid. "Why whack her like that?" he did not say exactly, but it was obvious that Tom should be checked by a pathologist to determine when, exactly, Sheila cut his balls off.

"I'd like to slap her for everyday she's done something to me," Sheila raged, and just when it was hoped she'd chop Lauren into tiny bits and feed her to the sharks, Sheila had to run her tirade about how Lauren stole her sweet son Scotty. To prove that she deserves to die and doesn't know better than to antagonize a crazy woman whom seconds ago she feared might kill her, Lauren called Sheila an "insane bitch".

Anxious to get the show on the road or to change his wet diaper, Tom urged Sheila to get moving. While Tom was left with the job of tying Lauren up, Sheila said she'd get the launch fired up as if the Mercury outboard required cranking like some Model T Ford. Out of site, Shelia pulled a bomb out of her bra, set the timer and after placing it near the gas tanks, said farewell to Lauren and Tom as she literally buzzed off into the sunset.

Alone with her captor, Lauren tried sweet talking Tom. Couldn't he see Sheila is using him? Doesn't he know Sheila's one crazy bitch and human life means nothing to her? For a moment it was like Tom was talking to himself. "You know, now that I think about it she did warn me a number of times. But gosh, Ms. Fenmore, um, Mrs. Baldwin, she promised be a rose garden. She got me a passport and said we'd live the good life on Gilligan's Island or someplace like that. And the money, so much money. Say, Ms., um, Mrs., um Lauren. Could you and Michael have raised two million clams? No silly, not those kind. Clams, as in green backs. Say, what's that ticking noise?" Oops...

Theatre of the Absurd

November 28, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Oh the joy! The smell in the air of better days ahead. Thanksgiving is over. The rich have prayed. They've said how great it is being with friends and family and blessed they have so much wealth. With Christmas just around the corner it can mean only one thing: from now on the Newmans and the Abbotts and the hatemongers will stop hating and plotting evil and get on with the business of practicing what they preach - right?

Wrong.

No sooner had the dirty dishes been piled into the sinks for the slaves to wash, no sooner had the Jitter Joint kicked the homeless out and its owners pondered whether they can afford to feed a few of the dirty bums more than once each year, no sooner had Gina Roma restocked the Athletic Club restaurant with enough turkeys to rival Safeway, but what the temporary ceasefire was breached.

Fit to be tied, his blood boiling, it was all old man John 'Yawn' Abbott could do to contain himself. That damn Tom Fisher. That damn daughter. Why is Ashley Carlton still seeing the man when she's still married? Well, it's not really the marriage part that bothers Yawn so much. It's that Ashley knows what a dangerous man Tom is yet she keeps going back for more. Why is that?

"I have the situation under control," Ashley spews as Yawn remembers the strange flower delivery. Did Tom drop the pansies off, or was that his wife's youngest son? What? Tom did? Then get them the hell out of here. They stink the place up. They smell like the Depends I flushed down the toilet this morning. Hey, my Beauty. Have I told you lately what a dangerous man Tom is? Let me say it again. "You're dealing with a dangerous man." Why can't you get that through your thick head. What if Tom finds out you're stringing him along? The bastard. I'm gonna get his bail revoked. The man is a "monster" I tell you! I don't want him walking the streets. You stay away from him. Understand?

"I'll be happy to avoid him," says Ashley, as Yawn fails to comprehend she didn't hear a word he said.

And then Yawn's lovely wife comes home. Yes, Gloria. After telling her sons how "blessed" she is to have a kind and gentle man like Yawn the old fart tells her in no uncertain terms to get Tom's bail yanked. Yawn, so aged, so smelling like outdated aspirin, has no idea a person cannot just revoke bail when the person on bond is facing criminal charges. Except that this is Genoa City where the impossible has been known to happen time and again, Gloria runs to Jennifer Mitchell unaware she's Sheila Carter and in cahoots with Tom. Too bad for Gloria, Jennifer has no intention of pulling the bail perhaps because she knows she can't.

So what does Ashley do right after the old geezer has told her to stay away from Tom? She goes to the one place Tom is sure to be. The Athletic Club where sure enough Tom asks if he can be her date to the great Baldwin/Fenmore wedding. Ashley wants to think about it.

It's bewildering too that Tom spent the night in Jennifer's' bed. Didn't she tell the motel manager she was moving out that day? Oh, that's right. Brenda's the one who left which is really Jennifer who's really Sheila and Tom knows them all so the manager, so interested in whether Tom would be moving too, did not pay Jennifer a visit to see if she'd really agreed to take over Brenda's room.

And Tom. So confused. So aware that Ashley set him up. So correct when he calls her a "bitch", is told by Jennifer he smells like "bilge water" and when threatened by Jennifer again asks, "Are you threatening me?"

"No, you fool! I'm not threatening you. That's why I keep telling you to watch your step or you're gonna be a dead man. It's not a threat - it's a promise!" Jennifer did not say.

You've got to hand it to Tom; no other modern bad guy has come so close to perfecting the theater of the absurd. Even as he protests his innocence of lying about matters of ignorance, he lies about matters of ignorance. With every word out of his mouth Tom evidences his trademark inability to grasp what's happening around him. Now we hear it may all come to an end on the high seas when targets Michael Baldwin and Lauren Fenmore set sail on their honeymoon. We surmise that somehow Tom and Sheila will team up and there will be this massive showdown with Tom getting eaten by sharks and Sheila, like Katherine Sterling, able to jump overboard and swim to shore to live another day. We can only hope that Sheila will kill both Lauren and Michael although admittedly, that's asking a lot.

It would be interesting to watch as the gullible Scotty Grainger buys the accident at sea and that Sheila is really his mother. Think how long, the months, the years, this could play out. It's funny, in a sick way, just how calamitously incompetent, too eager for evil to bother to do its due diligence, these people are. They make Charles Manson look good. For Christ's sake, if you're gonna kill someone, just do it! Don't make a theatre of absurdity out of it.

Screw Loose and Rent Free

November 23, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Pity the thousand of hurricane victims who to this day have no place to live. Feel the pain of those who've been displaced for months and kicked out of their rental units because they can't pay the rent because they don't have jobs and can't rent because landlords say they have no credit references or jobs. Feel sorry for those people because they obviously haven't heard about Genoa City.

Wisconsin's empire within an empire, Genoa City has almost everything. Except for qualified computer experts and private detectives and a shortage of lawyers and the male species, this is one fine city. Landlords and motel managers are so kind they'll give a person the shirt off their back. More importantly, they'll give them places to live. Often, rent free. Or, on credit with no repercussion if one falls on hard times and can't pay or moves out without notice.

Look at Danny Romalotti and Cameron Kirsten. When they arrived in town both men had no trouble finding room at the Athletic Club motel. Christine 'Bug' Blair eagerly took Danny into her love bunker and later went out of her way to give the boy she considers a "son" a place to stay. Katherine Sterling recently took a single mom and her baby into the mausoleum and allowed a hunkmonkey to live on the grounds in a tent rent free. So many people have passed through the estate it's hard to track them all except to note they never had to worry about paying rent.

The Newman ponderosa is another of those places where total strangers are invited to stay in the guest room so long as the queen of the manor is sexually attracted to one of them. If the guest room is a bit gaudy, there's always the tackyroom.

When the Bug moved out of her apartment years ago she had no trouble subletting it to Nina Webster who eventually moved out without giving notice. And that's another nice thing about the landlords here. They never need notice. When lab rat Damon Porter moved out of his pod without notice the manager didn't care. Even this week, when Sheila Carter informed the manager at the Motor Arms Motel she was moving out, the manager, while he did whimper a bit about not getting notice, relented when Sheila said she'd already sublet her room to Jennifer Mitchell. In fact, Sheila was surprised. Since when do motels require notice? Aren't they day-to-day? Hour-by-hour? Hadn't the manager just told her, "You don't rent rooms here"? So what was the problem?

Not that there was one, Sheila said she had everything covered. Jennifer had already taken over the room and that the manager would love her. Quiet, respectable, Jennifer would be the perfect tenant especially at a place that doesn't rent rooms. Funny, though. For all the manager's concern, he cared nothing about Jennifer, What he really wanted to know was whether Sheila's other friend, Tom Fisher, would be leaving too. Makes sense, right? A strange woman like Sheila trying to maintain a low profile seen so often with Tom the manager thinks they're one? Who knows? Maybe Tom's got a friend willing to take over his room too. Not that this is a motel that rents rooms. "Oh, Miss? I almost forgot. What about the rent? You haven't paid since you been here. Damn, where'd she go?" the manager did not say, but you know how that goes.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

November 21, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

As I so often do I'm sitting at the computer thinking about Scotty Grainger and Sheila Carter and the entire pack of dinkweeds that make up Genoa City, laughing. I'm laughing so hard my dog is becoming concerned. 'Lucky' tilts her head and looks at me as if to say, "What's wrong? Are you having a stroke?"

Oh, God. I don't know what I'm having but if it doesn't stop soon I may need medical help. The pills aren't working. So, why am I laughing and feeling sick to my stomach at the same time? The reasons are many. For example: Scotty got 'Brenda' a Thanksgiving Day card. I mean, really. Wasn't that just the sweetest thing a boy could ever do? Can you imagine Scotty at the local Hallmark store flipping through the many cards looking for that certain special card for Brenda who just the other day put the kibosh on his book deal? Or did he maybe make his own card with the help of Abby Carlton after a day at kindergarten? Oh, that's right. Abby is in the second grade now.

Forget about Scotty for a moment as we jump across town. Let's run into Newman Enterprises. No need worrying about security. If anyone asks we'll say we work for J.T. Hellstrom. Here we go, into the elevator and up to the executive suite. Kevin Fisher should be in the conference room debugging the computer system. Oh no! He's moved. Now he's in Victor's office all alone. Oops. Here come Nick Newman and Phyllis Summers. Let's hide over here with Kevin so we won't be seen. What's Phyllis doing? Gosh, she's accessing data. Looks like shell code. Did she just tell Nick not to rush a "genius"? Oh my, did Nick say what she did to the system was "ingenious" and that she had his permission to delete a file when he had not idea what the file was? Why, yes. He did. He said too that fixing the computer system put Phyllis "one small step" closer to winning back his trust and was "one giant leap for Newman Enterprises." And then they were gone. See? I told you. They didn't see us. They didn't see Kevin either. Let's get out of here.

Here we are. The Motor Arms Inn. Let's go up to Sheila Carter's room. Wait! Are those voices? Sure enough! Shelia's mirror is talking to her again. Be careful, here comes Scotty! Wonder if he brought the card. Oh my, Scotty's stunned. Brenda's going back to Toronto. Is that the end of his book deal? Not at all. Brenda says go for it but don't expect her to go on any book signing tours. Well, Scotty thinks. If the book is going forward why should Brenda return to Canada? Could it be she might have family she wants to visit for the holidays? Not that he'd know, Scotty has never asked anything about Brenda's background. He thinks she's perfectly happy living out of suitcase while his mommy reads him bedtime stories. But wait! Don't they have a book to finish? Apparently not. Apparently Scotty will finish it alone. Speaking of Lauren Fenmore, Brenda wants to know all there is to know about what Lauren's been up too lately. No problem! Scotty tells her everything. If he knew how often his mother has sex with Michael Baldwin he'd tell Brenda that too.

Oh, the card. Scotty's got a Thanksgiving Card for Brenda. He'll deliver it before she leaves town. Brenda is pleased at what a thoughtful young man Scotty is. "Sometimes I think you're the sweetest young man I know," she coos.

In a related development, that traitor, that slime who gives justice a bad name, Paul 'Clueless' Williams reports he took Lauren's suddenly lost and found again necklace to the best damn one-hour forensics lab in the city where it was checked and found to be harmless. Not a trace of poison anywhere thanks to a good scrubbing Sheila gave it before slipping unseen into a local hospital basement where she placed the necklace in a laundry cart nearly identical to the one in Lauren's room the day it went missing.

And speaking of Tom Fisher, he can't understand why a deal he was about to make with Clueless and Michael fell through. Still, he intends to turn over the necklace to them unaware that Sheila has swiped it from under his bed or that Michael already has the necklace. Certain he's going to be a free man at any moment, Tom goes straight to Jabot Cosmetics where he knows on this, the one rare day in something like three months, Ashley Carlton will be working in the lab where she sniffs skunk oil for a living.

Sure enough, Ashley's there. She's shocked to see Tom and wonders how he got past security. At the very least security calls her when someone slips in. "The 'B' team must be on tonight," Tom quips, adding, "I just walked right in." As for why he's there, Tom says he's gonna be free. When that happens he wants to move on with his babe, Ashley, because she's made him want to be a "better man".

So then, do you understand why I'm laughing? Is this not some of the most convoluted mind-numbing dialog you ever did hear? Are we supposed to take these people seriously? Are we to believe that anyone can just walk past Jabot security? Maybe once. Maybe when Victor Newman does it because everyone so fears the great man even now that he's become senile. But Tom Fisher?  What 20-something year old kid buys a Thanksgiving card for anyone? Did Scotty get one for Kevin too? Why is it that Newman's main computer system is accessible from a remote keyboard in a conference room or in Victor's office? Does Victor know how to use a computer?

I've got a question for Sheila's mirror. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who's the dumbest Genoa City resident of them all?

Name Your Poison!

September 30, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

I was afraid of that. I was so fearing that Sheila Carter's first attempt at taking Lauren Fenmore's life would be the use of poison to accomplish her goal. It's not so much that Sheila thinks using poison will somehow not be tracked back to her, but that she asked Tom Fisher to get all the information on poisons he could for her. This begs the question: why is Sheila asking Tom for anything? Granted, she's crazy and the cops in Genoa City can't solve the easiest of crimes, but even crazies know better than to tell anyone of their plan for murder.

Oops, that's right. Sharon Newman told a few people she killed Cameron Kirsten, Kirsten told Grace Turner he had bad things planned for Sharon and her husband and Larry Warton helped Sharon dispose of a body, so maybe it makes sense for Sheila to let Tom in on what she's doing.

Poison as a means of death is nothing new. Leanna Randolph, better known as Leanna Love, used it to do away with Ashley Abbott. Not that offing Ashley wasn't a good idea then and today, it's how Leanna went about it. In 1988 Leanna was pissed that Ashley was seeking help from Dr. Steven Lassiter. Recovering from a mental breakdown, Ashley married the doctor who Leanna, a former patient, had been tracking.

No sooner had Leanna arrived in the big city but what Jabot Cosmetics employee Jack Abbott began sniffing around and told her Ashley and Steven were going to Hawaii on their honeymoon. Leanna followed them there because she considered the doctor her man. The last thing she wanted was for Ashley, or any woman, to get her claws into Steven even though it would be revealed later that she, Leanna, hates men.

In Honolulu, Leanna began sending Ashley flower lies laced with poison except they weren't powerful enough to make Ashley much more than sick to her stomach. When the newlyweds came home Leanna did too and was often seen in public with Jack. This caused Steven to think Leanna was in need of more head shrinking.

What a coincidence that back then, like now, Jack was upset that Jabot employees Brad Carlton and Jill Abbott had produced a successful line of cosmetics. To get even, Jack needed to upstage Brad and Jill so he plotted to purchase the now defunct company owned by Nikki Newman, Mergeron. Jack's plan was to make Mergeron into a cosmetics company to rival Jabot. Jack got Nikki to romance Marc Mergeron so that Marc would sell his shares of stock to her. Sound familiar?

At the same time Jack was out to get Victor Newman so he used Leanna as bait. As 'Nora Randall', Leanna wrote the now infamous book 'Ruthless' exposing Victor's life by getting close to Nikki who blabbed the most intimate details of their life to a total stranger. Nikki told how Ashley was Victor's true love and all about their tragic love affair. The book chapter "Victor's Forbidden Love" sent old man John Abbott into a tizzy. He threatened to sue until Ashley confessed it was all true. When Victor found out he vowed revenge on Nora for "hurting" Ashley. Sound familiar?

Reporters hounded Ashley so much she told Victor of having spilled the beans to Nikki. Thinking Nikki had betrayed him, Victor moved to have their divorce rushed through the courts which also attracted the attention of the media whores who reported Victor and Ashley would reconcile. To throw everyone off track, Victor proposed to marry Leanna. They did the deed in Las Vegas. When it came time to consummate the marriage Leanna announced her virginity and that she had no intention of changing.

There's a law in Wisconsin that the newly divorced must wait 6 months before remarrying so when Nikki found out Victor had remarried she was going to use the law to her advantage but decided to wait. Meanwhile, Steven was pissed that Ashley had become obsessed with Victor. Ashley swore Victor was history and had no idea Leanna had written the book. Lucky for Ashley, the distraught son of a patient shot Steven dead in his office.

Before dying, Steven had written a card to Ashley which Victor found. The great man changed the card so that it appeared to be from him and gave it, along with an expensive pendant, to Ashley who thought it was from Steven. Victor's kindness greatly impressed Leanna.

By 1989 Victor still didn't know who had written Ruthless. This worried Leanna because Nikki had given birth (to Nick) and feared she'd lose Victor. As Victor gushed over Nicholas Christian Newman, Nikki told him his marriage to Leanna wasn't legal. Leanna knew her days with Victor were over as Ashley learned he'd been the one to give her the gift and how proud she was of him. Thus, Ashley and Nikki teamed up to get rid of Leanna.

Finally, Victor learned the truth and threw Leanna out. He also found out that Jack had a part in getting the book published and told Jack he'd been secretly buying up shares of Jabot stock and in fact now owned Jabot! He also told Ashley what a snake Jack was which turned Ashley against Jack. Ashley vowed never to forgive Jack, but as time has shown, did.

Leanna took a job working for attorney Michael Crawford before going on to write a column in the local paper for the lovelorn resulting in her new moniker, Leanna Love. So, as we've seen. Saying you're going to kill someone and actually doing it, is easier said than done.

The Reluctant Heroine
September 19, 2005

From a distance the pandemonium last week (or today depending on which side of the time warp it's viewed from) at Genoa City's exclusive Athletic Club looked horrific. A woman identified as the upscale Gloria Fisher-Abbott was being accosted by a newly-hired waitress who had been seen earlier holding a steak knife in a manner so threatening club manager Gina Roma was overheard telling the stink-eyed waitress to "get out of here" as though she had been fired. Screams from male partygoers suggested too the waitress was committing a dastardly act until homecoming party guest of honor Scotty Grainger piped up.

"That woman just saved Mrs. Abbott's life!"

Indeed, the horror was actually an act of heroism as waitress Jennifer Mitchell was later credited with preventing Mrs. Abbott from choking on a piece of roadkill. A modest Jennifer slipped away during all the fuss over Gloria by late arriving club members Victoria Newman, Brad Carlton, Phyllis Summers, Jack Abbott, the later who said Gloria's brush with death "must have been a frightening experience for everyone" and none of whom had been invited to the party.

Actually, the experience wasn't frightening. Not for everyone. It was, conveniently, a ploy used by Gloria and Jennifer to distract those who might have noticed Gloria recognizing the waitress as someone she knew who knows the man blackmailing her.

If anything, Phyllis found the situation confusing. "Why are you all gathered around?" she asked, which was a very good question considering Jack's past (the skiing trips, the offers of sex) with Scotty's mother, Lauren Fenmore.

Also meeting homeboy Scotty for the first time, Brad quipped, "I'm sure you don't remember me". A good thing too. Otherwise Scotty might have said, "Hi Brad! Has sex with my mother given you a heart attack lately?"

Her poor taste in men showing again, Victoria made a note of Scotty's, um, good looks and wondered where he's been all her life. Resolved when Scotty said Canada, his future step-father aggravated the moment when Michael Baldwin injected an American Indian stereotype smear.

"This is his [Scotty's] first trip back in many a moon".

With so much absurdity going on it took some time for it to sink into Gloria's thick skull that the least she could do for someone who had saved her miserable life was to say thanks. Even then it took Jack to ask where the waitress had gone. Old man John 'Yawn' Abbott stopped drooling in his cup long enough to hack, "A reluctant heroine, I imagine" which only served to show how out of touch with reality this man is. Nobody, not in Genoa City at any rate, is reluctant when it comes to heroism.

As if to prove she can do more than just stand around looking like a bucket of lard, Gina went off to tell the waitress she'd hired, and curtly dismissed all within the hour, how grateful everyone was. Reeking with modestly, Jennifer said she'd done what any good person would have done without expecting something in return. Not that the Abbotts would have offered Jennifer a reward, the greedy bastards. No, Jennifer's reward is that she gets to come and go as she pleases without anyone questioning what she's doing at the club or with Tom Fisher. For the record, Gina said she'd give Jennifer "a big tip" which, in Gina speak, amounts to a $1 or a free bottle of Blue Nun, whichever is cheaper.

In other homeboy party news, the causal observer might have overlooked old man Abbott's smart remark about Jennifer being "a mysterious woman" or the one he made about Brad being at the club with Victoria. But not your trusty reporter. All strange women are mysterious to Yawn until he agrees to marry them without looking into their background. The case of Charlotte Ramsey is a prime example.

"Are you double-dating?" Yawn sneered, when he should have asked Brad, "Shouldn't you divorce my daughter before you start seeing other woman?" Yawn's comment, "I don't know how Gloria's son's son is related to me" only drove home the point that this is one old fart deserving to be put in a home. The reference, of course, was to Scotty who will become Michael's step-son should he and Lauren keep their October 28 wedding date. But they aren't married yet, which is why the statement was premature unlike an elderly fart with one foot in the grave.

If anything about this party was, as Jack said, "frightening", it was when Kevin Fisher officially welcomed Scotty to the Baldwin/Fisher family not ten minutes after Scotty had said he's "just visiting" Genoa City.

"Here's to a good long stay in Genoa City," Kevin said, as the party came to an end. And, for the record, as the GCN said in a previous report, this was a day Scotty will always remember even if he couldn't remember who he's named after. "I'll never forget it," Scotty said, as Michael suggested the impossible. He wants to make Scotty's homecoming an "annual event".

Good Help Is Hard To Find

September 16, 2005

It's true what they say. Good help is hard to find. It also true that before hiring people off the street employers like the Genoa City Athletic Club would be wise to follow businessman Victor Newman's lead: do background checks even if it means hiring a college dropout Newman calls "a boy" to do a man's job.

Whether AC manager Gina Roma learned that lesson after what happened Friday remains to be seen. Within moments of hiring a woman named Jennifer Mitchell, as a waitress to assist with the last minute shindig known as Scotty Grainger's Homecoming, and despite Jennifer had told Gina, "You won't be sorry you hired me", all hell broke loose.

As the guests dribbled in Gina told party sponsor Lauren Fenmore how she'd outdone herself. On the menu was some of the finest food hurricane victims would kill for. Salad, potatoes baked twice, créme brulée and her very best roadkill, filet mignon kabobs. To wash it all down there was wine, champagne and water.

When guest of honor Scotty arrived he brought with him bad news, however. Christine 'Bug' Blair, "Auntie Chris" as Scotty likes to call the creature from the dark lagoon, the lawyer he thinks is so "cool" and "beautiful", wouldn't be making an appearance due to an urgent law case in Kansas City.

"Kansas City? What in hell is the Bug doing there? Taking a deposition? Handling another divorce case?" nobody dared to ask.

Other guests who did make it included Gloria and John 'Yawn' Abbott. While he never knew Scotty and probably didn't know Lauren had a child, the old geezer did take the opportunity to lash out at co-sponsor Michael Baldwin again for not protecting his faux-daughter, Ashley Carlton, who it so happened, hadn't arrived. Nevertheless, Yawn proposed a toast to what he called the "prodigal son".

Two other people who never knew Scotty were also there. Kevin Fisher, invited because Scotty shacks up with him at the infamous Sugar Shack, and Kevin's new business partner, Mac Browning, who couldn't say she recalls watching Scotty slurp on smoothies at the Newman Jitter Joint because she never knew him either. The Fisher/Browning team was blessed with a few free tips on how to succeed in business from Yawn, a man who's cosmetics company teetered on the brink of bankruptcy for years.

As the guests were being seated around a huge table Jennifer zoomed in to pour Scotty's drink first and without asking if he preferred red or white wine or champagne, filled his glass with red wine. Nobody, the least of which was Scotty, thought this strange or complimented Jennifer on her intuition skills. The feast's first interruption came when a cellphone rang and a rude, has never taken a lesson in etiquette in her life, Mac answered it.

Michael's announcement later that his wedding will take place on October 28 was greeted with a round of cheers from all. At about the same time Gina observed Jennifer holding a knife and demanded she explain herself. Jennifer's explanation that she was prepared in the event someone needed their steak cut was not good enough for Gina and so she fired Jennifer on the spot.

The scene opened Gloria's cataract-infected eyes wide enough so that she recognized the waitress not as Jennifer, but as the woman at the No Tell Motel who had earlier save her ass from being busted by Ashley. Before Gloria could blink, Jennifer hauled her off the chair and drug her away like Neil Winters drags his barefoot and pregnant women with Gloria screaming all the way. Hard as they tried, two men, albeit Michael and Yawn, couldn't stop Jennifer.

If there's one thing that came out of yet another fiasco at the Athletic Club it's that Scotty's homecoming will be a day he'll never forget. That is, of course, assuming that his failure to remember who he's named after was a one-time memory lapse.

Strangers at an Athletic Club
September 2, 2005

Okay, here's the question of the week, wait, the decade, or at least since Genoa City's finest Athletic Club opened its doors. Isn't the club by membership only? Isn't this why Nikki Newman was so pissed off that gangster Vinny Trabuco was hanging around the club when he wasn't a member?

How then did Sheila Carter gain access to the club? Sure, she was wearing a wig and pretending to be someone else, but don't they check at the door for membership cards? And why the hell is Tom Fisher still allowed at the club? Did Gloria Abbott-Fisher arrange this? Where is the club's manager, Gina Roma? Why hasn't Gina replaced the bartender who walked off the job without notice a few days ago? Shouldn't Gina be asking the strange woman what she's doing there? Did Sheila swipe a card, or have one made up for her on the street like those in need of green cards or social security cards or a driver's license?

We need to know these things because without the little details Tom and Sheila's impending rain of terror has no credibility. We'd like to know too: what is the criteria for obtaining a membership card? Do the clientele here need only put on their application that they are part of the nobility? That they are related to the Newmans? The Abbotts? That they sometimes attend Walnut Grove Academy or Genoa City University? That they operate an alarm company out of a broom closet at the local law office? That they live at J.T. Hellstrom's Sugar Shack? That they're working on a novel?

It there's really no need for membership would somebody please inform Mrs. Newman so she'll just the hell up about the peasants disturbing her fireside chats?

With the increasing sense of dread and the wrath of an angry spiteful Sheila about to descend on Michael Baldwin and his bride-to-be Lauren Fenmore it's understandable that she and Tom would meet at the AC late this week to discuss strategy. After all, if Vinny and Bobby Marsino could discuss their mob activity why shouldn't Tom and Sheila?

It's not like Sheila and Tom have known each other for years, but after just one conversation at the bar, and given how total strangers in this city love to reveal the most intimate details of their meaningless lives to anyone who will listen, they may as well have. Hacking with a British accent Sheila noticed Tom seemed to be having a bad day. Damm straight, Tom burped, before going on to say if he didn't take corrective measures immediately he'd be in a world of hurt.

Pain being Sheila's forte her suggestion Tom do just that confused him. What? Do something? What in Satan's name was she talking about? You know, Tom. Get off your ass. Take control. Don't let the bastards get you down. Fight back. Lie. Cheat. Steal. Invade some powerless country. Get it?

Tom got it, but only after remarking how Sheila sounded like someone who'd had her share of bad days. Sheila said in essence it's not so much the bad days it's what one does with them that count. Like she said, don't take no crap from anyone. By now Tom could tell this weren't no ordinary woman. Although he didn't know her name, Sheila sounded like someone people don't want to mess with. Hell, she'd probably scare the Mob right out of the city had its bosses known of Sheila's arrival. The more Tom thought the more he realized this could be the silver lining in the dark clouds following him around. Would the nice lady like to give him a few lessons on dispensing justice?

Sheila's first lesson for Tom was to launch a preemptive attack against his enemies. "Get them before they get you" was her message which may have been seen as good advice and would have made this insane conversation between two total strangers somewhat believable had only Tom not asked if Sheila knew who those young boys in the nearby hot tub were.

Sheila could have patched the credibility hole by asking whether Tom is gay and if he usually gawks at young boys but she didn't. Tom pointed out his son was one of the boys and the other his son's new bunkmate and again Sheila made no attempt to cover Tom's ass by asking if maybe he's got a sexual thing going on with his son and if seeing the boy with another sweetie in a hot tub didn't make Tom jealous or whether Tom knew if the boys are gay. Not that it matters, except that in Genoa City it's important to know these things what with all the incestuous relationships.

Tom did, however, mention to a total stranger that his two son's are major pains in his ass. They keep preventing him from doing what he came to the city to do. Sheila didn't ask, like a normal person would, exactly what in the hell he was talking about? What had he come to do? Sheila didn't get a chance to probe further because at that moment any sense of logic this scene may have developed broke down when Kevin Fisher strolled over to ask Tom, "What the hell are you doing here?" Then, turning to his sweetie, Kevin hissed, "They let anyone in here theses days" which was - was it not - the original point this report was trying to make.

If anyone doesn't belong at the club it's Kevin and Scotty Grainger! Does it need to be said again? Kevin burned Gina Roma's RoadKill Cafe to the ground. Oh, he wasn't charged with the crime, but everyone knows he did it. Why Roma allows Kevin to come and go only adds to the insanity covering this city like water from a broken levee. Like strangers at a by-membership-only club without membership cards.

No Sustainable Happy Endings
August 18, 2005

You have seen the plague. I have seen the plague. A woman who claims to have been fearing for her life all these years except when she was having sex in the front window of her trinket shop, or when she was seeing the local firebug who also tried to kill a young woman and gave another a sexually transmitted disease, is no longer living in fear. She's confessing now that "for the first time in years" she's feeling "free".

The woman is Lauren Fenmore. She is the newest in a string of what depresses the Genoa City spirit. She feels for a few days like the tyranny of Sheila Carter has been loosed upon her world and that of the poor man who has made the bad decision to become her latest husband in a long line of failed marriages and then she's fine. She warns Michael Baldwin that once he let Sheila into his life they'll be no getting rid of her and yet herself plans to visit Shelia at an institution for the criminally insane to see with her own eyeballs that Sheila will never trouble anyone again.

Lauren will, apparently, find out that Sheila isn't really locked up and that the woman looking so much like Sheila is really Molly Carter, Sheila's mother. We're guessing it's Molly based on reports that Molly will be seen again soon. Then again, so is Dr. Scott Grainger, but since he's dead it must be a dream. What matters is that Sheila is still out there. She's being tutored in Canada by Lauren's son which instills more thoughts of suicide and creates a desperate, low-level rage for which we now inhale drugs of choice by the truckload to attempt to mollify how this could possibly happen.

What children grow up in this sort of bizarre dystopia? What sort of warped perspective and decimated sense of community and parenthood is there when a college-aged boy does not question why his mother doesn't want him living with her and sends him to Canada? How much of Sheila's 'baby story' will Scotty Grainger have to endure before he puts it all together?

As if we didn't know; what will be the final outcome? Didn't we see this movie before? Don't we know the citizens of Genoa City have a false sense of security wrought with empty sameness? Isn't it always the case that people like Lauren want their lives to be antiseptic and sanitized and worry free? Aren't they always saying they want to "move on" but never get anywhere? Isn't there this general sense of greatness and pride and yet their economic situations run on fumes and the incompetent warmongering elite makes the city gag?

Have the wealthy here not been trained to fear the different, the crack-addicted mothers, the homeless, those who don't conform? Don't the privileged understand sameness is in? That every experience has been predigested and sanitized and God forbid they have an experience that hasn't been pulled out of the recycle bin where the Newmans tossed it?

If it's not the Abbott's bitching again that their competitive edge has been shot, that they didn't learn after being on the brink of bankruptcy for years to keep their mouths shut and to stop giving away family and company secrets, it's someone trying to take the mob down without police help. It's rich kids on trial and divorce lawyers acting as criminal defense attorneys and district attorneys not calling potential eye witnesses and hunkmonkeys pretending to be private detectives and small children wishing to be angels.

It's Sheila Carter who sees Scotty as the son that "miserable bitch" Lauren stole from her and how the rich and powerful always get what they want. Lauren "ruined" Sheila's life, made her play with matches, made her set a house on fire and terrorize her own mother.

It's Scotty asking Sheila how she became so cynical and what a hoot it might be should her story, his story, end with a twist when the main character, a crazy nurse, looks into the eyes of a strange man and sees it's her son. The more of the story Scotty envisions the more orgasmic he gets, especially the part where the bad woman has a bad accident.

It's Lauren Fenmore free as a cheap whore getting porked by her former husbands and lovers and lusted after by STD carriers and then declaring she's been living in fear and then she's not. It's a nightmarish Lauren saying she's feeling stronger every day and eyeballing Sheila will get that woman out of her life so she'll be able to invite Scotty to the wedding, get married and live happily ever after.

Except, of course, that would be too simple. There are no sustainable happy endings in Genoa City. Scotty must come to town before Lauren returns from the loony bin and by then it'll be too late because Sheila will have followed Scotty and Lauren will have discovered Sheila is on the loose and oh, please, kill Lauren now because to go on living in fear will mean Lauren must deal with Sheila for about, oh, give it a year, until she's free again and telling someone how getting nailed on the floor makes her feel so alive.

The Great Escape

August 11, 2005

After Wednesday's soul-curdling events in Genoa City what happened Thursday made me wonder if the elite living here will ever again be able to declare themselves king of the bone pile. Outside the pre-trial jitters hours before Daniel Romalotti's appearance in court, how it seemed everyone was taking more time off work to attend and ignoring that the case like all crimes in this city is being brought by the State of Wisconsin, there wasn't much going on.

In Chicago on business Los Angeles fashion tycoon Eric Forrester took time off to fly up to the mini-megalopolis after receiving a voicemail message from attorney Michael Baldwin. Given how his "assistant" had told him the message was "urgent" and involved fashion freak Lauren Fenmore Eric naturally presumed Michael had wanted his help throwing a surprise for the bribe-to-be until Michael said what he had to discuss was more important than some cheap designer gown.

According to archived news reports Eric's former wife, Sheila Carter is still at large following her escape from an institution for the criminally insane. Did Eric know about this? He did. In fact, Sheila had been recaptured not so long ago and returned to the nut house where, according to Eric, she'll spend the rest of her unnatural life. Eric even knew the loony bin is located in the obscure town of Hemet, CA., fifty miles from ritzy Palm Springs as the guardian angel flies.

Michael seemed confused. Does Lauren know this? Might Sheila escape again? Oh sure, Eric said he told Lauren himself. And yes, Sheila has a way of taking a licking yet manages to keep on ticking. That's why Eric checks with the "warden" at the funny farm, and never mind the 1862 terminology for the director of an institution, the warden assures Eric that Sheila is under very strict supervision so long as those concerned don't question the meaning of strict as those guarding the cuckoo's nest take long and frequent donut breaks.

Funny, is it not, that for a lawyer with a private detective living in the office closet with so many "operatives" and illegal connections to credit card companies, Michael didn't haul Paul 'Clueless' Williams out to ask if the PI might have one of his pals at the police department tap into the NCIC to see if Shelia might be wanted? Funny too Michael didn't think to do this himself when he read in the papers of Sheila's escape.

As for Michael's wedding Eric said there's no reason to fear. Sheila isn't going anywhere so he and Lauren should go through with their wedding of a lifetime. "Don't worry if Lauren is cold as ice when you decide to consummate the marriage," Eric did not add, but should have given how it's a wonder a woman living her life in constant fear all these years could ever concentrate on having sex knowing Sheila, or Phyllis Summers for matter, could burst into the bedroom at any moment.

Not that it matters. Michael is expected to fly to Palm Springs, drive all the way to Hemet just so he can ask the warden what he could have found out by making a phone call. Sheila done escaped again. In America today the prison or loony bin that can hold crazy Sheila hasn't been built.

Hands That Rock the Cradle Set History on its Ass

August 9, 2005

The pain of watching these Genoa City idiots rewrite history is becoming unbearable. Michael Baldwin is convinced more than ever that Sheila Carter is a "dangerous" woman. That's why he went back Tuesday to Brad Carlton for more information. Michael had no problem locating Brad at the Athletic Club since Brad's "assistant" at Newman Enterprises had told him where Brad would be during the middle of a business day. Sitting in a whirlpool Brad listened as Michael spoke about Sheila and then, when Brad had just said Sheila is a "nut case" and Michael added he needed more information, Brad asked, "About Sheila?"

"No, fool. About chest hair removal," Michael did not say, as he was too busy sputtering how he's going to end Lauren Fenmore's "nightmare" which nobody knew about until a few hours ago. Many have tried and failed to take Sheila down, but none like Michael Baldwin such a toad the sight of Paul Williams causes brown spot in his BVDs.

"I'll slay as many dragons as I have to," Michael actually said before asking if Brad might help locate Sheila.

Brad suggested he contact Shelia's former husband, Eric Forrester. If anyone knows where Sheila is, Eric does. Michael certainly wouldn't want to contact any law enforcement agencies as Sheila has been on the loose for more than a year and the cops have failed to find her. If Eric knows, he certainly hasn't told police either as he hasn't, apparently, been asked where Shelia is. Michael could very well become the first if only he can reach Eric.

Meanwhile we learn Lauren Fenmore wants to hire PI Paul Williams to protect her from Shelia since he did such an outstanding job protecting her from crazy Kevin Fisher.

"I live everyday of my life in constant fear," Lauren said, which may be true given Williams' massive failure as a private dick except that Lauren has hidden her fear well all these years. Williams did, however, have some expert advice to share with a woman so fearful she's jetted to Paris on buying sprees, generally made no effort to conceal her whereabouts, practically had sex in the window of her Little Shop of Horrors, participated in the recent marketing of toxic cosmetic products at eye-level on store shelves and plans to get married soon.

"Keep your wedding low profile," Williams suggested.

And the entire city, had it heard this latest in a series of moronic statements, did not burst out laughing. Its collective colon did not clench. Here, where news of the slightest pimple, the broken hips and the boils on the ass of the elite is splashed all over the society page, Lauren was to maintain a low profile because Shelia might be out there reading the Genoa City News or some other obscure newspaper from Wisconsin?

Lauren said, yeah. She had thought about laying low. So much so she's thinking now of going to Hawaii. And dumber than a stump Clueless said she'd be a helluva lot safer on an island the size of pea he calls a brain. To be sure nobody will recognize her Clueless added Lauren best register at the hotel under an assumed name.

Oh, the humanity. The horror of it all. The hassle. Just a month ago Lauren didn't have a care in the world and now she's hating every minute of her meaningless life because Sheila has "control" of it. Then, for those who might not have heard it said the first time, and for the benefit of those who know it'll be said at least 100 times before this insanity ends, Lauren said Shelia is "dangerous."

And because this is the poorest example of history being rewritten ever, Clueless had to say he "sometimes" forgets how Lauren has been living with this newly conjured "fear" since she and Sheila first rocked the cradle.

Too Many Holes in Carter/Fenmore Tale

August 8, 2005

I'm having a hard time with Sheila Carter turning up in Canada. Sure, I desperately wanted her back in Genoa City especially if it meant putting that slut, Lauren Fenmore, through hell. But even I can't believe a college student would be so kind as to help a classmate old enough to be a woman with her homework much less invite her over to his apartment and tell her the most intimate details of his life.

Oh wait! Isn't this born in Genoa City Scotty Grainger we're talking about? Why, yes. It is. That means therefore that because Scotty is inherently a Genoaite like all those in this city he would be perfectly willing to tell Sheila, whom he knows only as Brenda, everything.

How could I have forgotten Anita Hodges spilling the most intimate details of her life to Lauren? (2003) Or, when Damon Porter told Jack Abbott about his marital life (2004) or when Tricia McNeil gave Michael Baldwin specific details about her marriage (2000) and Ashley Abbott and the list is endless of people who have told total strangers everything they'd ever want to know much of it most persons would blush at hearing.

I understand that when history is be rewritten facts can get in the way which is why, perhaps, Lauren's latest story is wearing thin. First, she didn't want her husband to be knowing she has a son when the whole damn town knows. Michael Baldwin only had to search the newspaper archives for the gory details. For a lawyer he isn't very bright, however, as it took a tip from Brad Carlton to get Michael pointed in the right direction. Brad was the chosen one because he, more than most of the men Lauren has screwed, porked her so hard he had a heart attack.

When Michael read about Shelia's involvement with Lauren he knew right away Shelia is one of those "dangerous" persons the good people of this city so often fear. There is no telling how many times in the months ahead Michael will use the term, but you can be sure it'll be plenty. Also of note is the fact that like most dangerous people Sheila isn't very adept at murder. She tried killing Lauren twice and failed both times.

Sheila also bought a baby on Genoa City's busy black market yet the market, thought to be run by Rose DeVille, was never shut down. And too, like most women, Shelia wanted another woman's husband. In this case the victim was Dr. Scott Grainger who, like so many before him, died after contracting one of those mystery diseases Genoa City was so notorious for back in the 90s.

After reading the archives Michael reached the conclusion that to this day Sheila has made Lauren's life a "living hell" and that she "sacrificed her life to protect her son" yet heretofore there's been no indication Lauren has been under any stress or sacrificed anything at all. When she was sucking around Paul Williams a few months ago, so much so they had sex practically in the front window of her Little Shop of Horrors, Lauren didn't appear to have a worry in the world.

In all this time there's been no mention of Sheila or Lauren's son, Scotty, until now. Lauren says she so feared for Scotty's life she moved him to Canada where he now attends school with other students. If Lauren was really afraid she would have asked Victor Newman or Williams to provide guards at the school and body guards to boot. Funny too is that while Lauren says she stays in constant contact with Scotty she traveled all the way to Toronto to ask him questions only two people who haven't seen each other for years would ask.

What's really interesting is that for a woman who escaped from an institution for criminally insane "a little more than a year ago" why aren't the authorities out looking for Sheila? If they are searching why is it they've not come to the one place Sheila raised so much havoc? Is this one of those Osama bin Laden deals where the government says it'll get him "Dead or Alive" but four years later hasn't?

Crazier still, Michael now says he's got to "find out if she's [Sheila] still out there." Excuse me, counselor. If Sheila escaped from a nut house like Nikki Newman's crazy maid did years ago, isn't it safe to assume she's out there?

As we've seen there are too many holes in Shelia's return and Lauren's sudden concern to be believed. But this is how it is in a city where they don't care what you believe, or think, so long as you don't think too much and believe that the swill they are force feeding you is crisis-filled, high-intensity, drama.

Carter's Comeback a Lazy, Scripted, Crock

August 5, 2005
by Michael Kelly

Perhaps this reporter is jumping the gun or downright unfair to dare critique renowned psycho Sheila Carter's return to Y&R considering the woman had a maximum of 30 seconds screen time on Friday's episode following an absence of a dozen years.

Then again, since Carter's first sighting was hyped up the ying-yang beforehand in an overblown P.T. Barnum-esque fashion, it's only natural those of us whose job it is to report and provide commentary whenever anyone on this show blinks would form a first impression of this supposed event and state unapologetically whether Sheila's reappearance rocked or sucked.

Unfortunately, the latter option sums up this reporter's opinion on La Carter's re-entrance and a lazy, anti-climactic script is the reason I was overwhelmingly unimpressed. When Sheila walked into her one-time faux son Scott Grainger, Jr's living room after conveniently concealing herself in another room of the young man's Toronto apartment during his mother's unexpected visit and smilingly exclaimed, "So your mother is getting married. How lovely", an unmistakable, boredom induced yawn escaped from my mouth.

It's entirely possible any scenario the scribes came up with would have seemed flat and uninspired considering the build-up that preceded Sheila's encore performance was excessive. However, my real gripe about the Sheila reveal is that the writers wasted the 5 days a week, step by step evolutionary process that is soap opera's chief advantage by revealing from the beginning that Sheila and Scott are already acquainted.

What a cheat! Talk about taking the easy way out. The way in which Sheila tracked down and ingratiated herself into the life of the young man she was so obsessed to possess as a child (in order to snare his father) she switched newborn Scott with a black market baby should have been the foundation and main selling point of her comeback.

To rob us of something so essential that had such potential for entertainment proves Y&R's scribes are beyond lame and unable to weave an effective tale. They attempted a let's give viewers a cheap sizzle without the steak consolation prize that fizzled.

Hell, many online fans who speculated about the way in which Sheila would resurface came up with far more intriguing scenarios. One of them was to reveal Carter was the unseen mysterious individual "Terrible" Tom Fisher had been communicating with by phone. Another had Sheila turn out to be the never before seen Dr. Woods, who is Kevin Fisher's shrink.

But no. It wasn't meant to be. This reporter, who has observed and been exhausted by Sheila's nearly 15 year reign of terror on two different soaps, (Carter called The Bold and the Beautiful's Los Angeles home for the vast majority of her evildoing) isn't destined to be one of those few, fanatical Sheila-philes who need only witness their malevolent mistress arch an eyebrow to find themselves in orgasmic ecstasy.

I need more, dear readers. I need a silver lining to cling to now that Sheila Carter's cloud of doom has rolled in. Fortunately, I just found one. Despite being long overdue for a new hairdo, Sheila looks marvelous. It's as if the last 15 years (which began with actress Kimberlin Brown being a non-contract player playing a nurse without a last name) stood still for her. Unfortunately, for yours truly it just isn't enough to redeem the lazy scripted crock that is Ms. Carter's comeback.

Please visit this merchant