Tom Fisher - News Archives - 2005
See also:   Sheila Carter

Paying the Price for Stupidity

December 25, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Jeez, Christmas must have been a real bummer this year in Genoa City. The well-to-do couldn't wait to tear down the Christmas trees. All that time spent getting a tree, trimming it - and boom! The day after Christmas down they came. Take the tree at the Abbott Hotel for instance. Since her Christmas was a real pisser, since her still married husband was sharing the day with his whore at the Newman Ponderosa, Ashley Carlton tore the tree down before Yawn and Gloria Abbott could see it. Of course, it would have helped had the old timers not rushed off on a honeymoon at a time when their family was in such danger the old man had started packing heat. They could have at least stayed to share the holiday with their families, but no. When you're old you never can tell if today will be your last day alive. In this city honeymoons don't come around more often than every six months so, as they saying goes, it's best to strike while the iron is hot.

Which isn't to say that those who have irons don't know when they're hot. Paul Williams has had a gross of them in the fire for weeks and they're still as cold as Lauren Baldwin's sagging breasts. From the looks of him, Paul didn't so much as call his mother to wish her Merry Christmas or any of his children and former wives. Too busy trying to solve the Love Boat explosion case, Paul didn't have time to drop in for some nookie at Christine 'Bug' Blair's love bunker or hit on the man, um, woman he claims to be dating, the very married Ashley. There was no call by Paul to his young son in Los Angeles; nothing to give the impression he'd been to church; zip. Just work, work, work.

Funny, when you think about it, that Paul's investigation didn't stop for the holiday. He had at his fingertips the services of the FBI and sidekick J.T. Hellstrom who, it appears, didn't take time to be with his family for Christmas either. Even before the sun rose Monday morning you could almost see Paul and J.T. worming their way over to Michael Baldwin's apartment where Paul reported that fragments of the boat explosion in Florida match those of chemicals found in the garage where suspect Tom Fisher parked his hog. The news took J.T. by surprise.

"Then there is no doubt?" he said, in a sort of questioning way as though nothing is sure in the world of private investigating until Paul says so. 'Sho 'Nuff. The bomb that killed Lauren Fenmore-Baldwin was made in "Tom Fisher's garage" and therefore Tom is guilty. Never mind that the garage is owned by the Motor Arms Inn and the bomb could have been made by Osama bin Laden. Paul's deduction was music to Michael's ears. "Tom Fisher killed Lauren!" he bellowed.

As to how Tom will be apprehended, Paul said he was leaving the hard work to the FBI which had just issued a warrant for Tom's arrest along with the warrant supposedly issued by the Genoa City Police earlier. And despite how many times he's said that Tom will "pay", Michael yammered that apprehending Tom won't bring Lauren back. Paul saw it differently; Michael should be happy so long as justice is served.

"You'd better hope the police get him before I do," Michael squawked, in his never-ending determination to pass himself off as some muscle-bound steroid-taking freak common men shudder at being in the same room with except the locker room where they witness firsthand the effect steroids have on male genitals.

Then Paul got to thinking. Could Tom be smart enough to make a "complicated" bomb? Michael had no doubt. If Tom was smart enough to get Michael to give him fistfuls of money, there isn't much Tom can't do. For Paul though, perhaps thinking back to how Izzy Williams had almost gotten away with hurting the Bug, the explosion seemed more like something that woman Jennifer Harris would do. As a matter of fact the fingerprints he'd illegally obtained from Tom's motel room proved it and speaking of which the FAX from the FBI was probably at his office where he should have been rather than hanging around the Abbott home. And since he's far from being a 21st century PI who carries a blackberry and/or laptop with him at all times for the purpose of sending and receiving email and faxes, Paul had to send the gofer to the office to fetch the FBI lab report.

That the FBI would actually send anything to a clueless PI is questionable, but that's another column. With J.T. gone, Paul asked Michael how he was holding up. "What if Tom escapes to Cuba?" Michael sputtered.

Cuba? Like Fidel would actually let Tom into the country so they might sit around, have a few beers, bash Bush and laugh at how stupid the people living in Genoa City are?

"I won't give up until I catch him. I promise you that," Paul squealed, right after he'd just said catching Tom is the FBI's job.

Meanwhile, in what we'll see can only be imagined as an old farmhouse just blocks away from where Paul was at the moment, Tom was drinking beer and thinking: what if he made a deal with Michael to get him out of this mess? Surely, for all the deals Michael has fallen prey to, he'd go along with one more. Tom's thoughts were interrupted when the TV he'd smashed with a crowbar earlier began blaring a news bulletin on what could only have been MSNBC. With its non-stop Aruba coverage by the media whore who sounds like a man with a sore throat, MSNBC had breaking news of a man wanted by the FBI because bomb making equipment had been found in "his garage" which wasn't really his garage.

While Tom pondered the situation his hostages downstairs were grumbling. Lauren told Sheila not to order her around and Sheila told Lauren she wasn't exactly a guest in the Lincoln bedroom as Lauren, told earlier by Tom that he was leaving them to die, wondered where Tom might be as if she expected him back at any moment. "He won't leave me here," Lauren actually said, and God did not strike her dead for at that moment damn but what Tom didn't come back!

It's truly amazing that so many bad guys can be so stupid. What is it about Genoa City that attracts flies like Ralph Hunnicutt, Cameron Kirsten and now Tom? Why do they all make the same mistakes, why must there always be a fireplace poker or crowbar involved and why in the hell would Tom call Gloria?

The timing was perfect as at that moment Yawn and Gloria were entering their home to find Ashley had torn the tree and all the decorations down. They didn't even get a chance to see Ashley's First Christmas ornament and were not happy about it. They had fully expected Ashley to have waited for whenever they might return so that they could open presents together as a family.

That's when Ashley sprung the bad news about the boat explosion. Gloria was shocked. "Who would have done such a thing?" she actually said as if she's been in a fog the past few days and had no idea of the danger haunting her and the family at every turn. Yawn was pissed. With all the paranoia, with all the fear that something bad could happen to Lauren, why hadn't anyone checked the boat? Where was that useless PI? Yawn didn't have to ask who blew the boat up. He knew it was that "despicable" Tom.

Ashley said it wasn't for sure, or if Tom did it, he may have had help. "Who would do a thing like that?" Yawn echoed, and were it not for drooling in a cup might have apologized for stealing Gloria's line. Whoever did what Yawn knew one thing for sure. The evildoers were on their way to eat his family and by God he wouldn't go down without a fight.

That's when the phone rang. Picking up and hearing Tom's voice, Gloria called him a "murdering bastard". Tom swore he didn't do nothing and asked Gloria to meet him in the alley behind the local steak house located only a few blocks away. Repeating aloud the directions, Gloria said she'd be right over as Yawn and Ashley sped off in separate cars. Before meeting with Tom, Gloria called Michael to tell him where Tom could be found.

With Paul still hanging around, and Michael not asking him why he wasn't out there catching Tom like he promised, Michael took off without telling Paul what he knew. In the long run it was probably a good decision on Michael's part given Paul's bumbling demeanor. Moments later J.T. returned with the FBI report. The fingerprints belong to one Sheila Carter. Pulling at his crotch, J.T. strained his brain. Sheila who? Gosh, he claims to have lived in Genoa City all his meaningless life and yet he's never heard of Sheila Carter?

"I know all about her!" Paul beamed, and yet as a car pulled into the steak house alley it wasn't clear whether this alarming news would get him off his ass. Back in the alley the stage was being set for a who shot JR Ewing moment. Surprised that who he thought was meeting him was someone else, Tom asked, "What the hell are you doing here?"

What did you expect, Tom? There's a manhunt under way for you and yet you were stupid enough to tell someone where you could be found? It's your own damn fault if you die, Tom. Did you ever think of watching from afar until you knew for sure it was Gloria in the alley? Didn't think so. Now, the question is: who shot your sorry ass and did they shoot you dead? Where did the gun come from? Is it Yawn's gun? Didn't he say it was kept under lock and key? Did he take it with him on the honeymoon or leave the key with Ashley? Is there the slightest hope that while rushing into the alley Yawn tripped and blew his head off, or, better yet, Ashley? Or will Michael be the one to extract his pound of flesh so that when this nightmare is over he can go around with his chest puffed out and brag how he had warned all along that Tom would pay?

Theatre of the Absurd - Act 177

November 29, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

When the GCN first heard that old-timer John 'Yawn' Abbott would demand that Tom Fisher's bail be revoked a few eyebrows were raised. How could this be? Would the police immediately slap Tom in jail? Something about bail being withdrawn once its been posted didn't sound right so we asked a real bail bonding company.

"Once bail has been posted it cannot be withdrawn until the case has been adjudicated," said a company spokesman who asked that his name not be published.

"That's how it usually goes. But each case is different. Say a person is out on bail and later the person who posted the bond comes back to say there's a flight risk or that he or she witnessed another crime subsequent to the first. In that case we'd cancel the bond and refund the money (less a small handling fee) only after police take custody of the person on bail. There are some unscrupulous bail bondsmen out there who wouldn't do it, however. If the guy jumps bail they're gonna get to keep the money so why bother? To answer your question, it's entirely our decision. You can't post bail and later get a case of bailer's remorse just because your husband found out you spent his money."

As for how the Genoa City Police would handle the revocation of Tom's bail, a GCPD spokesman wasn't sure.

"Gosh, I dunno. I suppose if we found out Fisher's bail has been cancelled we'd pick him up but that's easier said than done. This is a big city. There are lots of hiding places. Where would we begin looking?" said Captain Dudley Dufus, adding in all likelihood Fisher would be allowed to roam free. "You know what happens around here when it comes to bail. The bad guys give us the middle finger, they jump bail faster than a jackrabbit and in the end we let them go."

So how's Gloria Fisher Abbott's task of getting Tom's bail revoked coming along you might ask? Not good. At least, that's the way it looked Tuesday when Mrs. Abbott asked Jennifer Mitchell, AKA Sheila Carter, to pull the money. For those who missed it, Gloria gave Jennifer the $50,000 so that she wouldn't be connected with springing Tom. Unfortunately, like so many of Gloria's follies, it backfired. Only Jennifer can withdraw the money and at last report she wasn't about to do anything of the sort. Without Tom free, Jennifer, um, Sheila's newest plot to kill Lauren Fenmore might fail like all the others.

Upset that the hole she keeps digging only gets bigger, Gloria hissed that Tom is a "dangerous" man as if everyone in Genoa City doesn't know. As if there isn't a billboard on the outskirts of the city which reads: WELCOME TO GENOA CITY. ENTER AT YOUR OWN PERIL. DANGEROUS MAN AT WORK. Sheila, um, Jennifer said she's not so sure Gloria and her son aren't playing some "'con" game and didn't like being accused of poisoning Ms. Fenmore.

If nothing else, Gloria learned there are people in this city who don't appreciate the rich thinking they can get whatever they want. As for Tom, he hasn't given up on the lovely Ashley Carlton. Aware that she despises him, Tom's convinced he can use this to his advantage for he must find a way to make Michael Baldwin, and now Ashley too, pay for setting him up on a bogus drug possession charge. To that end, Tom went to the one place Ashley was certain to be; the City's popular athletic club/restaurant/motel. Sure enough, Ashley was there. Tom told her again he wants to go to the wedding with her only this time Ashley was suddenly concerned Michael might feel "uncomfortable".

As the man he knows to be dating Ashley worked nearby at removing some of the lard on his ass, Tom dared to touch Ashley's pasty body. When she recoiled, and his hand nearly froze on the spot, Tom wondered why she didn't like being touched in public. Could it be she's really a man? Could it be Paul Williams is taking her to the wedding? If so, Tom said he'd be very angry. He doesn't like sharing his women. Putting himself at risk for frostbite, Tom kissed Ashley on the cheek, lived to tell about it and wandered off to lurk as Paul told Ashley how Tom gives him a "bad feeling". Ashley concurred. It's like Tom is "up to something bad" she quipped, as Paul said again he suspects Tom is onto her little game.

Alas, the Hardy Boys weren't going to let it bother them. At least not for the night. Like two school kids, Ashley and Paul went off to Paul's cave holding hands for what Paul surmised would be "some fun". Later, Tom wondered why it seems Ashley has "ice in her veins".

Meanwhile Gloria reported back to the geezer she was unable to get Tom's bail revoked. Yawn had a fit. "I want that horrid man off the streets, now!" he squirmed, and as Gloria may have wondered what man uses the word horrid, demanded he be given Jennifer's address. Concerned, and forgetting it was Yawn who told her and the world a million times that Tom is "dangerous", Gloria pleaded with him not to do anything foolish because, "Tom is a dangerous man".

Does Your Necklace Lose Its Poison Under the Mattress at Night?

November 17, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Like you, I'm trying to distance myself from the Who's Doing These Terrible Things saga, but I couldn't help but wonder Thursday: besides the obvious, what's wrong with Tom Fisher? What's wrong with Sheila Carter?

Granted, two evildoers have their trade secrets to protect, but shouldn't they be asking each other a lot of questions? For example, when Tom found that Sheila, disguised as Jennifer whom he knows as Brenda, had returned from an alleged trip out of town he only asked how the trip went. Told only that the trip was "productive", Tom flicked off further inquisitiveness as a waste of time. He didn't, as most conspirators would have, ask where Brenda went, why she went and how she could afford to go when she has no visible means of support? And too, shouldn't Tom have asked why Sheila/Brenda/Jennifer is going around in a disguise and while one disguise may be understandable, why she needs two? Shouldn't he have pounced when Sheila herself said she can't wait for the day when she can stop the play acting?

Wouldn't Tom think it odd for Sheila to say that the only why she can feel safe is by pretending to be someone else? Shouldn't he ask what she's afraid of? Has Tom ever seen anyone threatening her? He did say he'd like to hear her story some day, but didn't press it. He was more concerned that crazy as she is, Sheila, or Brenda, or whoever, won't help solve his legal problem. Since she's obviously so ethical and to be trusted as far as he can throw her, Tom said she better hop to it because he's still got the deadly necklace she used to poison Lauren Fenmore.

Now think about this. Looney Tunes woman won't help so Terrible Tom man threatens blackmail. Makes sense, no? No. Tom, aware that a certain clueless PI has him on videotape at the God Have Mercy Medical Center where said necklace went missing at about the same time, says he'll turn the necklace over to the cops if Sheila doesn't comply.

When Sheila hints for the umpteenth time that crossing her can be deadly, Tom starts yammering about not wanting Michael Baldwin to set him up when Michael has already set him up and he's out on bail subsequent to said setup.

I get dizzy just trying to keep the ducks in a row, but here's the kicker. Actually, a real kick in the head.

Having already told Sheila he's got the necklace that when turned into the cops will set off a chain of events including, but not limited to the revelation of Sheila's multiple personalities, wouldn't it seem prudent that a man of Tom's street smarts would have the necklace stashed in, say, a bank vault?

Not Tom. He's got the necklace in the motel room right next door to Sheila's room under his mattress! A motel room that Sheila can, and has gained access to since Tom threatened her and a motel room that Michael and that clueless PI have also been sniffing around.

Now then, wouldn't it seem logical for Sheila to ask Tom how he can afford paying rent on a motel room when he has no visible means of support and when he's said he spent all the money Gloria Abbott gave him? Wouldn't Sheila wonder where he gets the money for food and gas and... oh, never mind. The vertigo is setting in again. But before I wrap this item up, there's one thing I'd like to ask Tom: does your necklace lose its poison under the mattress at night?

Take a Licking & Keep on Ticking

November 9, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

I'm sitting here taking a break again from the moral darkness that has overtaken Genoa City when I hear that Lauren Fenmore, with the words TOM FISHER IS DANGEROUS written in red lipstick on her forehead, went to only the second place Tom is mostly likely to be at any given time of day.

It's not like Lauren doesn't know Tom's son owns the Jitter Joint. It's not like Kevin Fisher just the other day told Tom to get out and stay out of the little coffee shop and everyone knows Tom never does what he's told. Like a bad penny Tom keeps turning up at the Abbott Hotel, the Athletic Club or the JJ.

Yet for knowing Tom's sure to be at one of these three locations, has Kevin or Michael Baldwin or Paul Williams hired security guards to protect these places? Sure, security in this city is pitiful. Sure, for all the guards at the Chancellor Mausoleum Brittany Marsino and her baby were constantly at risk. Sure, for all the guards in place at the Newman Ponderosa Cameron Kirsten and other bad guys were free to come and go as they pleased, but Christ, what was Lauren thinking? Why did she need a latte so late at night?

It was late. Everyone kept saying so. When people showed up unexpectedly they were asked what they were doing out so late. It was so late, business was so bad, the JJ closed early and Lauren knew it was closed. Still, she went there anyway. She did take along a bodyguard Paul put in charge of her safety, but she made the guy sit in the car while she went for coffee she shouldn't have been drinking before bedtime. Not a her age. Not unless she likes getting up in the middle of the night to go pee and that's presuming she can fall asleep. This is a woman who seemingly hours ago had a toxic agent in her bloodstream. This is a woman just released from the God Have Mercy Medical Center. What in hell was she doing out so late? If she needed coffee so bad, why couldn't she break out the Mr. Coffee and brew her own? Are people like Lauren this lazy?

And what was going through the bodyguard's mind? Where does Paul find these creeps? Are they White House rejects? Former FEMA employees? Do they work for less than minimum wage or any wage at all? Does Paul entice them to work for sexual favors? Does he show them photos of PI wannbe J.T. Hellstrom with his shirt off? You gotta ask because what bodyguard wouldn't have least stood outside the JJ door while Lauren did her thing?

When she saw Tom why didn't Lauren scream, or run for her life? Why did she stand their like a mannequin with a stick up its butt? Why did she negotiate with Tom and worry about Mac Browning? Did Tom have a weapon? If Mac didn't have the good sense to run out the front door when she saw Tom, why should Lauren care what happened to her? Mac's been confronted by creepy men before. If she didn't learn from the run-in with Ralph Hunnicutt, God help her.

What about the subsequent commotion? The knock down, drag queens rolling on the floor. What? There were no passerby's on the street? No others in this town came to the coffee shop late at night for a latte only to find the place had closed early? No squad car passing by? Will Baldwin or Paul get it through their thick skulls that Tom is really more dangerous than they thought? Isn't that what Michael said?

Hard as it is to comprehend the JJ was locked up for the night and everyone returned to their corners for round #3,719. The next day the incident was all but forgotten. Before going to work, Kevin was summoned to the 'APTS' by Michael who told him of "the big emergency". Kevin, like he's done so many times before, threw a fit. If Tom laid a hand on Mac there will be hell to pay. Noticing that Kevin is worried that Mac may be in danger too, Michael told him not to worry.

"Desperate people do desperate things," he actually said, adding, "Tom is pretty desperate now."

Still, Michael wanted Kevin to chill. Soon, Tom will be behind bars where he belongs. That is, if Tom ever gets that preliminary hearing which is taking so damn long because Tom, until today, didn't have a lawyer. In the meantime Kevin wonders; isn't there anything they can do to stop Tom?

It was interesting to note Kevin didn't suggest going to the police probably because Michael told him that "legally speaking" there's nothing they can do.

Now, I know what you're thinking. This is the dumbest damn thing you ever did hear. Only it gets worse.

Lauren provided a piece of the missing puzzle when she explained how her bodyguard had come to his senses and pulled the draq queens apart before anyone got hurt. Then, in her best I am such a dumb bitch voice, asked Michael what set him off.

Okay, here's where you take the brick and smash it into your head. Do it a few times - you'll feel better.

Gosh, Lauren. What set Michael off? Could it be he's only been ranting day and night how he thinks Tom tried to kill you and that Tom's a dangerous man? Does that give you a clue, Lauren?

And what about Sheila? If Tom is real, could Sheila be too? Again, I'm sorry to report here that this is what they actually said because otherwise you wouldn't believe that anyone could be so stupid. Again, as the GCN has pointed out, despite that Lauren has said she thought she saw Sheila and Michael knows there's this strange woman working with Tom, neither Lauren nor Michael has thought to check again to be sure Sheila is really locked up. They have not, and apparently will not, return to California to see Sheila with their own eyes and have her DNA checked to be certain.

With all that has happened so far, what does Michael tell Lauren?

"Don't worry. I won't let anyone hurt you."

Hello? Earth to Lauren.

Oh, and for good measure, Michael made Lauren promise not to go anywhere without her bodyguard!

So, have you had enough? Have you drunk just about as much of this swill as your stomach can hold?

Ah, c'mon. One more sip.

Looking as serious as all git out, Michael says to himself, "Tom, you're going down."

Okay, so now you're dry heaving. That should leave room for another glass of swill.

Where do you think Tom is right about now? Why of course! He's at the Jitter Joint.

"You're not welcome here. Got that?" Kevin, in his best Victor Newman impersonation, barks. Tom just laughs. What happened last night was all a "misunderstanding". He just wants a latte and he'll be gone.

"Well, okay, But you promise," Kevin practically says, as Ashley Carlton distracts him. She wants to get started with decorating the place for Abby's birthday party! What the hell? Are all the regular customers invited too, or will the JJ be closing early again for this special occasion? Oh, never mind.

Police Arrest Suspected Maker of Deadly Methamphetamine
October 10, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

You gotta hand it to Ashley Carlton, don't you? She had all her ducks in a row. She even had the foresight to find a police officer willing to convince some sleepy judge that a man with no apparent criminal convictions would, on this day, have the ingredients to make the much feared Meth in his possession. The judge was so impressed he issued an arrest warrant on the spot.

Give credit to Ashley too for going the Meth route and not the cheesy possession of marijuana charge originally thought. Nailed for possession of Meth paraphernalia, Tom Fisher and his lawyer will have a much harder time getting the charges dropped.

Not so when it comes to bail. Despite the despicable drug involved, Tom can be sprung on bond if someone comes forward to bail him out.

Not that Tom wants out. He told his son, notable coffee shop owner Kevin Fisher, his only concern is that Ashley not think of him as a drug dealer. Crazy you say? Looney that a man who, if convicted, will be an old man when he gets out of prison, would be thinking about a woman who has shown herself to be all fake smiles and bleached teeth and Botoxed worry lines and pumped-up, cancer-ridden breasts? Nutty, that Tom isn't the least bit suspicious of Ashley?

Not at all. Not in Genoa City where police officers address those they've stopped by full name. Not when cops demand to know where persons of interest have been and say they want to search their vehicles or, in Tom's case, his hog and they don't mean the woman he's with. Not when Tom explained he'd just come from eating Mexican jumping beans and certainly not when the cop, obviously having trailed Tom, knew his motorcycle had been parked for the past hour but wanted to search it anyway.

While Tom said he wasn't about to let some pig conduct a search - when he must have known that regardless of all outward appearances Americans still have rights in this country - and the cop whipped out a warrant, he didn't think the detainment remotely strange. He could only look on in amazement as the cop held up amphetamine and iodine crystals and said Tom was getting ready to make some crystal meth.

When Tom heard the word Meth he was smart enough to say he'd been set up yet he couldn't imagine who would do such a thing. Certainly not Ashley as the cops was hauling her off to the gulag too.

It's the oldest trick in the book. Someone wants to get even, someone has a score to settle, they call the cops.. Another fish caught in Genoa City's revenge juggernaut. So here Tom is. The city on the verge of another murder, gangsters allowed to escape by plane after kidnapping what they thought was a baby in broad daylight at one of the most secure international airports anywhere, and poor Tom is having his civil liberties slowly hacked away.

Ahh, the simmering dread and mistrust. One can only imagine the conversation between Ashley and whomever she hatched this plan with. Or, assuming sitting back and letting Ashley do all the dirty work Michael Baldwin made the arrangements, who got paid off? Something changed hands, that's for sure.

At a time when government leaders are swimming in corruption, even they can't arrange to have a judge issue a warrant based on hearsay. The dirtiest of cops would know better than to arrest Tom when his hog has been parked in a public place. The smart thing would have been to wait and bust Tom at his abode. Since he's run out of Gloria Abbott's blackmail money and been forced to share a motel room with the evil Sheila Carter that wouldn't be a problem because where Meth is concerned, cops don't care. They kick down doors and take everyone inside to jail. Knowing Sheila's luck, she wouldn't be home at the time anyway. Besides, what a fine mess it would be were Sheila to be arrested before her time.

Following that scenario, Lauren Fenmore wouldn't be able to keep telling Michael what a "dangerous" man Tom is, not to try taking him down and then egg him on when she finds out Michael is working with Ashley. Lauren, who once hated Ashley's faux sister [Traci Abbott] with a passion and fought with Ashley over Brad Carlton, is now Ashley's friend. She's worried that Ashley might be in danger and then, learning of Tom's arrest, says she had no idea Tom was mixed up with drugs.

Better yet, Michael wouldn't be able to say that since the deed is done they won't have Sheila or Tom to worry about anymore, for Lauren to add she hopes none of this comes back to "haunt" them when obviously it's haunting them so much it's all they ever talk about.

That this is how low they've sunk is nothing new. It's been going on for years. Committing evil in the name of righteousness is all good so long as Ashley and Michael and Lauren are seen as the city's rogue superpowers.

Terrible Fisher Busted for Possession

October 6, 2005

We knew it was coming so why don't we just come out and say it. Tom Fisher is going to get busted on a marijuana possession charge. This is more than a nasty rumor blasting through Genoa City. This is the doing of man-beast Ashley Carlton who will either make arrangements to have dope placed in the saddlebags strapped over Tom's hog, or she'll do the deed herself. We know this because terrified victim Michael Baldwin put her up to it and asked again for the umpteenth time this week if she has the guts as he relished in the safety of his cowardice.

Maybe this is appropriate. Maybe this is as it should be. Why should Michael put his law license at risk when there are idiots like Ashley to do the dirty work for him? Why worry? When the police come around asking questions he can point at Ashley and say she had an axe to grind because Tom threatened her family.

This is not to say the police will ever make the connection. This is not to say the arresting officer might wonder what a man has in his saddlebags and maybe getting a whiff of the dope say there was reasonable cause to violate Tom's privacy. There will be no suspecting why anyone riding a motorcycle would be dumb enough to tool around town with a load of dope as Tom had probably just scored. It'll be interesting to learn how much pot Tom was caught with. A couple of kilos or just a baggie? Do convictions of small amounts carry the death penalty here? No doubt.

Nick Newman can tamper with and withhold evidence in a capital manslaughter case and get away with it, but watch what happens to Tom. Watch as no effort is made to find out where Ashley got the dope. No question as to why the upscale white bread Ashley knows such unscrupulous people. Nope, Tom is the epitome of evil. He and Ralph Hunnicutt and Cameron Kirsten and Vinny Trabuco must pay for their crimes while Phyllis Summers and other well connected types get away with murder.

At this moment Nikki Newman has roughly 30 caps of Phenobarbital obtained fraudulently from a God Have Mercy Medical Center quack and Victor Newman could very well doing some blow on the high seas, yet this is okay. No criminalization of pot smoking in this city. No arresting the adults who sell beer to the giggly stoned kids in the park and no pretense that pot is any worse than antidepressants or steroids or the roughly 18 gazillion gallons of booze guzzled every single day except Sunday, because that's God's day to detox the liver. Incredible.

The use of casual pot is of such minor importance and of such negligible threat to society, punishing people for its use is about as successful as trying to discourage a Mormon from masturbating. Oh you Genoaians. So cute and hypocritical and two-faced and highly sexualized. And there Tom is, a poor sap facing the possibility of going to jail for a decade for a pot offense while Ashley plots her next sperm caper and neglects her daughter like a drunk beats his wife and shoots the dog.

Oh the hand-wringing. Oh the furrowed brows. Oh the screaming and the fainting. Oh the completely no-big-deal of it all. After all, which would you rather have, Tom casually smoking a joint now and then to relax and de-stress, or Ashley stealing sperm and killing babies? You make the call.

Dope Seen as 'Key' To Fisher's End
October 3, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

These are the things that make us proud. These are the things that make us stop and take a look around and say, "You know what? Ain't Genoa City just the nicest little burg you ever did live? Aren't the people here so loving and caring? Shouldn't everyone be so lucky to have them as neighbors?"

But holy hell! What's going on at the Motor Arms Motel?

Don't worry, I promise this won't be another long story about Sheila Carter. I think it's pretty clear that when a man has been told by Sheila she's a terrorist, warns him not to cross her, to get toxic poisons from his dope dealer and he keeps shacking up with her, the level of insanity has been exceeded to the point where, if we didn't care before, we really could care less about what happens to Tom Fisher, those trying to take him down or anything having to so with Sheila, Scotty Grainger and Lauren Fenmore.

Still, isn't it interesting that all of a sudden Tom smokes dope? Not that there's anything wrong with smoking marijuana. The natural weed is much safer than alcohol, tobacco or anything on the long list of pharmaceuticals with their hazards to health. Isn't it funny that Tom invited Ashley to his motel room, she noticed the roach in the ashtray, heard Tom say "money is tight", yet didn't ask how he can afford to buy dope? There was a time a "lid" of pot could be had for $20, but this ain't the 70s. Weed is expensive these days.

And again, like staying with Sheila when she's all but told him her intent is to kill someone, Tom wants to be Ashley's "friend" even as he suspects she's up to something. Weird too, is how Tom fears old man John 'Yawn' Abbott may try to run him out of town and Ashley saying she won't let the old geezer do it. Isn't Tom such a badass nobody can run him out of Dodge? Haven't Michael Baldwin and the Fisher's whined and whined how they can't get rid of Tom? Why, if Tom so fears Yawn, hasn't someone asked for Yawn's help? Why must Ashley and Michael team up? Why must Lauren keep sniveling to Michael she knows he's up to something, warn him not to mess around with the big boys, he promise not to, only to have Lauren say, "you're playing with fire" when she finds out he lied to her?

What in God's name is wrong with Lauren if she thinks Ashley can help Michael do anything when everything Ashley touches turns to crap? What does Michael have to say about the purpose of his plan? "So we can stay two steps ahead" of Tom. My, my. Doesn't that sound dastardly? Doesn't that sound so typical of Michael, making so many empty threats, using big words like "terminate" only to have them backfire?

Okay, so we know it's mostly a bad joke. We know Ashley and Michael, et al, are more inept than we ever imagined, but here's the kicker: "This may be the key!" Ashley yelped when she told Michael of Tom's "nasty little habit".

Please say it ain't so. Please say there aren't narcs crawling the streets of Genoa City looking for drug dealers. Please say the narcs want all dealers and users locked up because selling and buying is the same a funding the terrorists. Please don't let this insanity fizzle out when police detective Hank Weber finds a roach at the bottom of Tom's trash much the way Nick Newman was suspected of selling dope out of the Newman Jitter Joint. Hasn't this tragedy already relied too much on the past? Do we really want it to end with Tom getting busted for possession and slapped in prison for 15 years while those who commit rape and murder do 5 or no time at all?

Has it come to this? All wistful and acidic, eye for an eye goddammit let's get those bastards and make them pay c'mon who's next bitch? Ewww! The man smokes pot? That's it then. The key. And we don't mean kilo. We cannot, we will not, allow anything that has never killed anyone and done so much to ease cancerous pain and glaucoma force us to look inward. If Yawn Abbott can't get rid of Tom, that Tom smokes dope, that he gets his dope from dealers who also have access to deadly chemicals, will surely be his downfall.

"Who's Been Screwing in My Bed?"
September 30, 2005

All is not lost. This is the good news. All is not dire and hopeless and sexless. There can be found occasionally a burning ember beneath the ruinous proposition that Sheila Carter wants Tom Fisher to research potent poisons she might use to put Lauren Fenmore out of her misery.

It happened Friday at the Motor Arms Motel where Tom and Sheila are officially shacking up. Forget that Sheila and Tom have already hit the sheets. Forget that they both might be carrying a disease much worse than anything Kevin Fisher could have ever given Lily Winters. Tom wants to bring Ashley Carlton to the dive for a romp on the very same bed he and Sheila share.

No, it's true. Shelia said sure. She gave Tom permission to screw his ass off on the condition that he change the sheets afterwards! Is this not appalling? Does just the thought of Tom and Ashley or any woman, not that Ashley is a woman, getting it on in Sheila's bed make you puke? Did your colon just clench? Hard as it is to imagine, there are lowlifes who do this. Porn stars and slugs and the deviant. We've seen it before in this town. Creepy critters having sex on their office desks and eating meals off those same desks moments later without washing their hands or the desk. It's enough to make your skin crawl.

That Sheila thinks nothing of sleeping in the same bed after Tom has spilled his seed all over it and the headboard and the pillows and the carpet make the fact that Brad Carlton and Victoria Newman were at about the same time swapping spit pale by comparison. That a few steps away Sharon Newman was fingering herself while thinking about Brad, seemed as innocent as a priest having sex with an alter boy compared to what Sheila did. Hell, it was enough to satisfy an entire repressed evangelical congregation and make Mac Browning swoon with thoughts of sex with J.T. Hellstrom and still have plenty left over for a long weekend with the entire cast of Debbie Does Dallas.

But enough with the disgusting sexual interludes. After what happened at the Athletic Club Restaurant, after Tom managed to get Ashley back to the motel with him, it's unlikely Ashley will ever see Tom's impulse orgasm balls or Sheila's orgasm exploder and nipple pump. You see, there was this big scene at the AC. Not as thrilling mind you as the scene wherein J.T. whipped out a gun pretending to shoot Bobby Marsino with it, but laughable in that old man, pushing 90 by the looks of him, John 'Yawn' Abbott punched Tom when he felt Tom might "hurt" his faux daughter, Ashley. The brutal, unprovoked attack took place even though Ashley had said she was with Tom of her own free will and was the second time in recent memory that the geezer has become physically violent towards younger men who could, had they wished, whipped Yawn's ass.

This infatuation Yawn has with younger men might be worth exploring were it not more important to note that Ashley's having dinner with Tom was part of a plan she cooked up with Michael Baldwin to take Tom down. Not that they aren't dumb enough, don't put it past Ashley and Baldwin to take Tom down in the other sense of the word if they think for a moment doing so would get Tom out of their lives. This then might explain why Ashley drove an otherwise uninjured Tom to his motel and agreed to go up to his room much the way Sharon agreed going to Cameron Kirsten's room. One can only hope there's no champagne bottles laying around or a dumpster in the alley.

But there is Sheila's laptop. The one she was using earlier to search the Internet for "untraceable poisons" of which there is no such thing. Of course, Sheila did say she'd settle for "toxic substances" leading some to immediately think what a hoot it would be should Sheila attempt to spike Lauren's drink with something like Tuvia, Safra or Seasons, the toxic chemicals produced by local cosmetics companies.

When Tom is not screwing strange women in her bed, Sheila expects him to produce what information he has on available poisons. Tom agreed to help so long as 'Brenda' let him use the bed then realized he doesn't know her last name. Not that he hadn't tried to find out when he went through Brenda's personal belongings. This act of invasion didn't bother Sheila because she has no identification at all. No credit cards, no checkbook, zilch. Despite this oddity, this isn't it so weird a woman can afford to stay at a motel with no visible signs of support, with all those wigs he apparently didn't see, Tom asked, "Are you a bank robber or serial killer?"

Shelia's reply she could be both didn't phase Tom either. Why should it when what's really important is that he not forget to change the sheets?

What a wonderful message this sends. What a desperately needed notion for a drama-starved and deeply misinformed, uncertain populace. It is this: A man having sex with another woman in the same bed he shares with a woman he's shacking up with, whose last name he doesn't know and of whom he knows nothing about, is okay so long as the man changes the sheets. And then they want us to believe this is "explosive" drama not to be missed. This is what makes a soap opera so compelling all other soaps should strive to emulate. Shield your eyes and quiver in fear. Do not back away and laugh or ask yourself why none of this makes any sense or has any continuity. What you see and hear is perfectly normal. It's healthy and affirmative and might actually go a long way toward replacing Goldie Locks and the 3 Bears as Mama Bear comes home one day to ask, "Who's been having sex in my bed?"

Taking the Bite Out of Crime

September 1, 2005

Has anyone noticed that the Tom Fisher Vs. his estranged family saga has turned into a boondoggle? How long has Tom been in Genoa City? Isn't it going on a year? For a terrible bad guy/villain/evildoer like Tom is supposed to be what has he accomplished? Unless driving his two sons and former wife mad count, nothing.

It's funny how Michael Baldwin keeps offering Tom money to leave town, Tom takes the money, but never leaves and still Michael can only offer him more. Michael is a little like Jack Abbott. Jack has barked for years about the things he was going to do to Victor Newman yet when the rubber met the road couldn't deliver.

Blowhard Baldwin huffed and puffed about all the things he's going to do to thwart Tom this week and when he'd finished not a hair on Tom's head was out of place. In fact, Tom thought Michael was trying to be funny.

"You think I'm joking?" Michael hacked.

If Michael didn't think that was funny the photograph of his mother conveniently nearby for Tom to pick up was. Having just moved into J.T. Hellstrom's Sugar Shack, Michael's brother, Kevin Fisher, had so little personal possessions to move he grabbed the one thing near and dear to his heart: a photo of Mom. It's a wonder Kevin hadn't put a HOME SWEET HOME plaque on the wall too.

So what Michael wants now is for Tom to go with him to tell old man John 'Yawn' Abbott what's going on with his new bride, Gloria Abbott. He wants Tom to admit to blackmailing Gloria when in fact anything Gloria has given Tom has been of her own volition. Gloria even told Michael this week to stay out of her business arrangement with Tom. Gloria is so not worried she's offered to show her future daughter-in-law's son around the city.

Michael's theory seems to be that once Yawn finds out the game Tom is playing will end. With his funding cut off Tom will simply leave town and that will be that. End of Tom Fisher. But Tom knows better. He knows the noble people of Genoa City are so easily scared his mere presence is all it takes to keep the family in fear. As Tom said, it's not like Michael practicing law in front of "a bunch of strangers" to which Michael replied, "You're right. It's real," as if to say his rare courtroom appearances are fictional.

For all Michael's chest-thumping Tom said nothing will stop him. Not Michael's pathetic statement "knowledge is power" not his claim that once Yawn knows Tom will leave town with "your tail tucked between your legs", nothing.

"Talk, talk, talk. That's all you are. A bunch of hot air," Tom stated correctly, reminding Michael too that if he does anything to screw Gloria's marriage she'll never forgive him.

"Getting you out of our lives will be worth it. That's what a real family means," Michael actually said, and Tom did not burst out laughing as yet another elitist resident injected himself with a dose of old family values. Confused as he was at what Michael was spewing Tom nevertheless agreed to go to the Abbott Hotel with Michael for the great showdown during the middle of a business day.

As should have been expected, as if he couldn't call ahead first to make sure Gloria and Yawn would be home so that he wouldn't have wasted his time, Michael wasn't surprised to learn Yawn was at the office. Had Michael acted sooner he would have caught the old geezer returning home for one of those infamous left behind files. The amount of gas businesspersons waste retrieving forgotten files in this city is thought to be staggering. Not that the rich in Genoa City worry about such trivial things as $3 gallons of gasoline.

Without Yawn around to break Tom's spell, Michael said it wasn't a problem. They'd wait! Who knows? Yawn might have to come home early for another forgotten file. Except that Tom grew tired of waiting once Michael had convinced Gloria to tell Yawn the truth he went off to meet who Sheila Carter who, upon arrival in Genoa City, had apparently stopped off a the same tattoo parlor where Phyllis Summers shops for disguises as Sheila was all decked out in a new wig.

And so you gotta wonder - don't you? Why did Tom bother going to the Abbott Hotel in the first place? How long will he be allowed to team up with Sheila to wreck havoc on the Fishers and the Baldwins and the Fenmores and the Graingers before someone says, "Hey? Shouldn't we call the police on these people?" Not that calling the police has ever resulted in so much as a bite being taken out of crime here. In Genoa City you can attempt to run people down while driving a rented car, you can burn them alive in motels, you can invade their privacy, inspect their credit card usage, withhold evidence in a major criminal case and each and every time police will look the other way.

And too, it must be asked again. If Baldwin, et al, so fear Tom and Sheila, why don't they go to Victor? If anyone can take the bite out of crime it's the great Victor Newman.

'Terrible Tom' Moves to Motel

August 10, 2005

Forgive me for not knowing, but where has terrible Tom Fisher been staying during his time in Genoa City? Has he been on the street with the homeless? In the park with Yolanda Hamilton? At the Newman ponderosa bunkhouse with one of the stable boys? For awhile I thought Tom might have gotten himself a suite at Genoa City's posh hotel considering all the money Michael Baldwin gave him except Tom said later he'd blown all the money at the track or on cheap trinkets for the very married, yet free to date men, Ashley Carlton.

For the little good giving Ashley a necklace did him she never put out and this week demanded he take the necklace back because they've stopped going smelt fishing together. Rather than take the trinket Tom suggested Ashley give it to her new stepmother, Gloria Fisher-Abbott. The persistent mention of Gloria's name each time they meet finally made Ashley wonder whether there's a connection between Tom and Gloria until she was easily thrown off track again.

If, as Tom asked, Ashley doesn't want to see him anymore, would she be interested in seeing him around? Ashley didn't say it's inevitable they'll keep bumping into each other as they practically live at the same restaurant, but yes, she'd "like" to see Tom again.

As for his living arrangements Ashley must have planted a seed in Tom's mulched mind. Without fear of being caught and people asking all kinds of questions as to why he's meeting with Ashley's stepmother when he and Ashley aren't an item and people who have seen him with Ashley haven't noticed Tom at the Abbott Hotel conveniently at times when Ashley isn't there, Tom went straight to the Abbott home.

Even Gloria was worried. If Tom doesn't stop both she and he will get caught. Looking around the driveway Tom flicked away the concern. All the vehicles were gone so of course Gloria was home alone. There's no chance old man Abbott's On Star-equipped Buick was in the shop or the maid had taken the bus to work that day or that house squatter PainMe Johnson might be in the spare bedroom.

Feeling safe and secure Gloria handed Tom more blood money. Having received permission to open her own checking account there's no chance Yawn Abbott will miss the thousands of dollars she's pissing away. A thousand short, Tom objected.

"I'll send you a check," Gloria said, before realizing she has no idea what Tom's address is. Nor did Tom! It was only then he announced he's been thinking of moving into the Athletic Supporter Club Motel and charging it to the Abbott account!

Gloria flipped. Didn't Tom know? The AC sends the bills directly to Yawn and for sure the old geezer would blow a gasket. Again Tom said it wasn't a problem. He somehow knows that people like Yawn don't actually pay their own bills. They have accountants for that. Business associates of Jabot Cosmetics routinely stay in a freaking room at some gym/restaurant/motel so what, exactly, was the problem?

The problem as Gloria sees it is that if Yawn finds out Tom's gravy train will derail. To avoid that Tom should not charge the motel room to Yawn. Tom said if he can't he'll go to Yawn which, of course, would cancel his meal ticket, but that's okay because Gloria would become the real loser as if she isn't already for playing Tom's pointless game. That mindless dialog out of the way Tom said he'll be checking into the AC Motel and expects Gloria to mail his check there.

Gloria was so flustered at this point she could only ask Tom, "How do you live with yourself?" when she should have asked Tom how he knew there's a motel vacancy. Then again, maybe like Tom, Gloria knows these things. She knows AC manager Gina Roma keeps Danny Romalotti's, Arthur Hendricks and Cameron Kirsten's old room available for just such situations. Moreover, Gina will, without question, allow Tom to charge the room to her good friend's account when she's already cut Tom's personal line of credit off.

Cataclysmic Loving in Genoa City

July 25, 2005

And again this moronic terrible Tom Fisher saga screams Ralph Hunnicutt. How many times has the GCN pointed this out? Who can forget what Ralph allegedly did to Mac Browning? How many times did Mac say she ran away from home as a minor child because Ralph was sniffing her panties and mommy Amanda refused to do anything about it? While Ralph and Amanda parted ways how often did he say he felt she still loved him when they were thrown together years later in Genoa City? What about Billy Abbott smacking Ralph over the head with a fireplace poker subsequent to Ralph's pathetic attempt to psychologically blackmail Amanda into getting the key to Katherine Sterling's safe?

Based on these historical and hysterical facts one might conclude Tom and Gloria Fisher are Ralph and Amanda reincarnated. Except for the names and a few of the players the story is the same one. To wit: Instead of Amanda spending much time at the Sterling Mausoleum where Ralph sips tea with the ladies of the manor because they think he's the nice man from the phone company, Tom this week was at the Abbott Hotel where Gloria has become the latest Mrs. John 'Yawn' Abbott. Tom rambles on to Gloria that what they once had together "only comes along once in life" and he's damn certain old man Yawn can't make an old lady "purr" like "Tom Cat" Tom did.

So morally cleansed since she went along with Tom's stashing her son in the closet while they dined out on lobster Gloria now considers Tom a "horrible husband" and a "vile father". She should have exposed Tom way back when but like Amanda overlooked his little indiscretions taking him back time and time again. Now too, like Billy, Gloria threatens to whack Tom with a fireplace poker as payback for what he did to poor Kevin Fisher.

As he's always maintained Tom says Kevin had it coming. Little boys need to be seen and not heard. When they act up there's only one thing to do. Chain the little bastards to the toilet. Toss 'em in the closet. It's not like Gloria ever objected. She wasn't thinking about Kevin then so what's the big f-ing deal now? Where does she get off saying Kevin was "a child for god's sake"?

For Gloria it's easy to rationalize. She lives with the guilt. She thinks of Kevin when Yawn is putting the pork to her, when she's running up the old geezer's credit cards and using Kevin to get women she doesn't like out of the hotel. Furthermore, if Tom knew anything about being a father he'd be like Yawn. Yessiree, that Yawn is the epitome of fatherhood. Yawn has children who love and adore him. Take Jack Abbott for example. So "devoted" is Jack he slept with Yawn's wife. So considerate of Yawn's privacy the pushing 50 Jack continues living under his father's roof parading his nearly-naked wives around, inviting the mother of his son to move into the poolhouse and swimming naked in the pool with his former step-mother.

So "devoted" is Traci Abbott Connelly she rarely visits her father and then only to berate him for not taking better care of the dope-smoking daughter she dumped on the drooling in a cup fool because the girl's biological father couldn't be bothered.

So "devoted" is Ashley Abbott Carlton to this day she refuses to tell Yawn she's not his daughter, but makes him think she is by seeking his permission to allow her daughter - a child she had to steal sperm from Yawn's worst enemy to germinate - to spend more time at the hotel as grandparents love nothing more than coming home to the sound of a screaming kid. So loving is Ashley she did her best to ruin Gloria's marriage and now Gloria's sticking up for the bitch? Yawn too? His "beauty" says she's had "a change of heart" since "some" of Gloria's finer qualities like persistence have come shining through. Surely any woman forced to deal with the hatred Ashley and Jack hurled at her can't be all bad. Thusly, Yawn has Ashley's permission to carry on with Gloria. Ain't that sweet? Ain't that loving?

Tom's no dummy. He knows the adult Abbott "children" are leaches. Had Tom been wealthy Kevin would have been devoted to him too. Gloria says it ain't so. Money can't buy love. The Abbotts are a loving, caring family which explains why just a few weeks ago Yawn kicked her out of the hotel. It explains why Yawn didn't want anything to do with Jack and never hears from his son, Billy. So loving is Billy he shows no interest in returning to Wisconsin to be anywhere near his loving family. So loving is Yawn he never questions why grandson Kyle, whom Jack fought tooth and nail to get away from Diane Jenkins, now lives with Diane and won't come to visit on the 4th of July.

No matter how many times they say they are "moving on" and need "closure" the elite in this city never reach their destination. They are mired in their delusions. The harder they try pulling themselves out the deeper they sink. They are laughably lost and divided and as morally misguided as ever to the point where they see their hatred as love and it's only getting worse.

When Tom is ultimately struck down by a Larry Warton-like "hero", who maybe pushes Tom off a cliff so he might live to wreck havoc another day, the Fisher's and the Baldwin's and the Abbott's will rejoice, pat themselves on the back for being like those tough as nails can't keep 'em down Newmans and within a week be back at each other's throats. It's the cataclysmic Genoa City loving way.

The Bigots!

June 28, 2005

Talk about transparency. Who hasn't figured this one out? Who hasn't guessed why Michael Baldwin and his brother have suddenly reached the conclusion that Terrible Tom Fisher has something on their mother? Gosh, could it be Tom came to Genoa City right after Baldwin won the lottery? Could it be even after Baldwin paid Tom $10,000 to leave town Tom didn't leave because he wants all the money? Is it now of great urgency that Baldwin must stop Tom before something tragic befalls their hanging together by a thread family? Who would go anywhere near Tom knowing what evil he's capable of? Someone from the Abbott family of which their mother is married into? Someone like Ashley Abbott Carlton who both Baldwin and his brother have seen on at least one occasion hanging out at the Athletic Supporter?

Is there anyone in Genoa City who doesn't know Tom took Ashley smelt fishing? That Tom gave the sperm thief a ride on his hog? That Ashley can't form a complete sentence without mashing up the language like a five-year-old and can't express a complex idea to save her life and somewhere deep down, she knows Tom is terrible but has yet to question how it is he doesn't have to work for a living?

Has Kevin Fisher not heard all the times he's been at the Abbott Hotel recently of Ashley's latest dream stud? Has Kevin not heard old man John 'Yawn' Abbott say how wonderful it is that his married to former pool boy Brad Carlton is dating men again? Did not Ashley correct herself this week when she said she's not really divorced and that calling Brad her "ex-husband" was but a slip of her slimy tongue?

Nope. Kevin said he can't think of anyone in the Abbott family going near his step-daddy but one thing Kevin now knows for sure. Tom is "stalking" Gloria Fisher-Abbott. What Kevin doesn't know is for how long. Baldwin said he doesn't know either but that Tom has "taken great care to hide himself."

Amazing, is it not? How people in this town are able to hide in plain sight? That they can mingle among the always full of gossip rich and famous and not be questioned? That these strangers can blow into town and be given credit at the finer restaurants and motels without showing any means of gainful employment or connections to massive bank accounts?

How coincidental that Baldwin would go to his mother's home after wondering all of this only to run smack dab into Tom? How moronic that Baldwin will offer Tom more money to get out of town and be so shocked when Tom takes the money but doesn't leave?

How not staggering to learn that Tom and Gloria may actually still be married because if Ashley can't remember from one day to the next whether she's a married woman how can it be expected of either Tom or Gloria not to remember they never got a divorce? And lo, this is the perfect opportunity to breath new life into what is meant to be the on-going plot to keep Gloria as the aging old woman who lives in a shoe always getting kicked. No matter what she does Gloria can never find happiness. Then again isn't that the Genoa City way? Who here is ever happy for more than a month?

For all their wealth and many marriages the people here exist in some sort of bizarre utopian vacuum. Isolated and towering over their enemies and allies alike they are never happy. They are their own downfall. It's all merely a crayon drawing, an intellectual wading pool, a big messy cartoon city populated by good guys and gals and evil guys and dolls taking turns at role reversal. The good this year will be bad the next.

The Paradox

June 3, 2005

Like so many Friday's I thank the gods this is the last day for about 36 hours I'll have to write much about the goings on in Genoa City. With the weekend at hand I can take my mind to far better places and find something really interesting to do with it besides listening to one-dimensional soap opera characters forever asking "What are you doing here?" or making dumb statements like the one Michael Baldwin made today. Before getting to that let's set the stage.

At the ever popular Athletic Club Ashley Carlton, still unaware of Tom Fisher's last name, was having lunch with the man. Tom was so glad Ashley had managed to pull herself away from the test tubes and beakers deep inside the laboratory at Jabot Cosmetics just to be with him and while she felt guilty for "playing hooky" from her place of employment, Ashley said she was happy when Tom called to invite her out.

But one thing piqued Ashley's interest: How did Tom get her phone number? Gosh, could it be she told him where she works and he called the main Jabot office and was transferred to the lab? Yes, actually. Tom said that's exactly what he did.

Now Ashley was impressed. That Tom is one "very resourceful" guy!

In Genoa City's competitive market for used women Tom said a man has to be resourceful and he certainly hoped Ashley beakers weren't jealous. Unfortunately, Ashley said they were jealous. The beakers and test tubes were begging her to fondle and pump them until they ejaculated a substance Jabot could then market to unsuspecting consumers as new toxic oils and lotions for women of color and the like.

What was running a close second to the most nonsensical, most unimaginative conversation in Genoa City history continued when Tom questioned Ashley's devotion to her job. Did she like being chained to a Bunsen burner all day?

"I'm not chained! I love my job!" Ashley oozed, without, of course, telling Tom it's a cold day in Hell when she spends more than an hour at the workplace.

The word love intrigued Tom. Calling it "dangerous" was in keeping with Ashley's belief too except when it pertains to cosmetics. In that case Ashley surmised one can never be too in love. Agreeing, and at the same time realizing just how farfetched the topic had become, Tom confessed he was just trying to keep the conversation going. The last thing he wanted was to upset the fragile Ashley.

Putting Tom as ease Ashley said it's been a long time since anyone said anything she considered farfetched and she had been hoping someone would soon as she was going stir crazy. If Tom wanted to sputter his nonsense she might even get off on it. Throw in what a "beautiful" woman she is, a notion that the "effect" she has on men can make the best of them crawl on their knees in lust, and Tom might even get to have his way with her.

On the subject of fun Ashley said she hasn't been having as much as she should. Sure, she's still a married woman sucking around Paul Williams, but a "straight shooter" like Williams can't be considered fun. Why, the old PI hadn't yet laid her on the lab floor like he had Lauren Fenmore on the floor of the Little Shop of Horrors right in plain view of passerby's.

That's when Tom said it was Ashley's lucky day. He's her man if she wants some fun. Fun? What kind of fun was Tom talking about, Ashley wondered. The kind she might find beyond sincere? What kind of fun was that? She didn't know exactly but if she had she couldn't have any because the beakers and tubes were expecting her. So after accepting Tom's rain check Ashley was scurried off to be with them.

Just in the nick of time too. For there, purchasing an expensive bottle of water and noticing his wicked step-father, was Michael Baldwin. Seeing indeed that Tom hadn't left town, as he fully expected Tom would have after paying him thousands of dollars, Baldwin snarled at him, "I wasn't kidding."

Too bad, Tom didn't burst out laughing or say, "You are such a fool. Didn't you know I had no intention of leaving?"

At a loss, his manhood so obviously whipped by Lauren, Baldwin asked what it would take to get Tom to leave town. Tom didn't say, "Another 20 grand" so that Baldwin could shell out the money and a few weeks later seeing Tom hasn't left ask him again what it would take and grease his palm with even more money.

At this point whatever it'll take to get Tom out of Genoa City Baldwin doesn't have so he had to throw down the gauntlet and a predictable clue. Tom better not mess with his family!

Practically telling Baldwin point blank that he may as well get used to hunkering down because all hell is about to break loose generated this reaction from Baldwin.

"What will it take to get you out of town?"

Clean out your ears, Baldwin! Did you not hear Tom say whatever it is you ain't got? Jesus! What is wrong with you people? I mean, Christ. How stupid can it get? Read on.

"Why are you in such a hurry to run me out of town?" Tom asked.

Gosh, Tom. You don't know? Could it be that when Baldwin gave you the money he made it clear you were to leave town? You think maybe Baldwin wants you to stay so he can say another million times the reason is Kevin Fisher? That Kevin has come along way from being a psychopath? That Kevin now has a girl to call his own so you can say again what a "cockroach" Kevin is and locking him in the closet was what he deserved?

Please, you two. We got it weeks ago when you guys first had this conversation. Tom is terrible. He's going to do bad things. He's the villain. We got too that Baldwin and Kevin are pencil neck geeks. They are supposed to be very afraid and maybe become the new Newmans so that when Tom's terror fizzles out the Fishers and the Baldwins can say, "We are Baldwins! We are Fishers! Nobody can tear us apart."

These gaffs, these Genoaisms, aren't a symptom of stupidity, but are rich, luxurious detachments of a frat-boy-like "whatever dude" attitude. Baldwin and Fisher veer weirdly between this fortunate-son insolence like calling upon everyone to stop the evildoers and then going about with their golf game. Like having a ballistic defense
system so they can make the world more peaceful, their conversation today was mind numbing and pointless, and another example of the paradox.

Placing otherwise believable characters into unbelievable scenes with unbelievable dialog does not lend to their credibility. This is the Genoa City paradox. We see it over and over as with J.T. Hellstrom and Mac Browning. Two characters with zero personality are placed together in the Men's sauna at a busy athletic club without being noticed by other men then after a day of exercising consume twice the expended calories by eating ice cream and cheesecake. This, like the very married Ashley going on dates with a man she only recently met, a man who's last name she does not know, and with a history of bad experiences with strangers, sucks the life out of what little credibility these characters may have.

The Payoff

May 2, 2005

As the Terrible Tom Fisher saga so far is mostly a big laugh, the truly sad part, the hideous and depressing and soul-shredding part, wasn't Tom's visit this week with Michael Baldwin. It wasn't scary or sinister when Tom popped out from behind a potted plant at the law offices of Baldwin, Blair & Associates to say, my, but how little Mikey has grown.

You see? Tom never thought he'd see Baldwin again. Never had an inclination that by coming to Genoa City he'd in any way have to deal with Kevin Fisher's older, half brother. Never thought Baldwin would tell him he couldn't just waltz in and start bulling people when that's exactly what Tom is and will be doing for weeks to come.

Here, then, in the warped, convoluted irony, Baldwin warned Tom not to ever threaten Kevin again. If he does, Tom will "live to regret it". What he did to baby Kevin was "horrible". It wasn't like Baldwin was there when Kevin needed him. It was Baldwin's fault that Tom beat on Kevin and locked him in the closet. Come to think of it, Tom says they're both at fault.

Really? Is Tom feeling remorseful? Does Tom know what he did to Kevin was wrong and should have his testicles cut off? Why then is he repeating the past? Because Tom has heard Kevin hit the jackpot. Kevin has lots and lots of money and Tom wants his cut of the action.

Oh wait. Tom has it wrong. Baldwin won the lottery. Yeah, that was Kevin's picture in the newspaper, but it was a mistake in a non-news sort of way the likes of which permeate the media these days. Written by whores paid to make up one-sided articles about lottery winners without pointing out how silly that the payoff for hitting all six Powerful numbers was only one million dollars.

Not to worry. Baldwin says it doesn't matter who won. The money is in the bank. Tom will never see a dime of it so why doesn't he just leave town already?

Heavens to Betsy! Tom can't believe his ears. Why should he believe Baldwin? Kevin didn't mention that little glitch when Tom was threatening him. Why, if Tom knew it was Baldwin's money he wouldn't have come to Genoa City. Was this his drift? Sounds that way. Sounds too like Baldwin didn't get that Tom had just admitted to having threatened Kevin right after Baldwin told him not to threaten Kevin unless he meant not since the last time.

Overlooking that minor blunder Baldwin said the reason Kevin didn't tell Tom was because he wanted to "protect" his big brother. This is how Kevin is since becoming a loving, caring human. Oh, did I mention Kevin had sex with a minor child and gave her an STD? Did I mention Kevin burned down the RoadKill Cafe? Didn't think so. Tom's not going to get his hands on that money. This was Baldwin's talking point until Tom said he'd run straight to Gloria Fisher and scare the bejesus out of her too unless Baldwin forked over some cash. If the price is right Tom will leave town. Simple as that.

Now Baldwin wonders. Why should he believe Tom? It doesn't matter. Baldwin reaches for his checkbook. Is $5,000 enough? How about $10,000? Here. Now be gone.

And alongside that morbid and insipid decision, that payoff for freedom, Baldwin did not consider escorting Tom to the airport to watch Tom board the plane with his own eyes. In a way what Baldwin did was much like what Lauren Fenmore did only in reverse. She bailed Kevin out of jail based on his promise not to run only to see him run and stick her with $100,000.

Now Tom's got the money Baldwin said he'd never see a dime of but he's not going anywhere. Tom says he's at fault for making Kevin into an insecure firebug/child molester but there's no remorse.

It all seems to line up with one of those weird situations where everyone is getting hit by something tragic. Family and loved ones all seeming to suffer at the hand of their own "blood" against a backdrop of more violence and - hate.

This is not a good time. It is another low period in Genoa City history and it's only getting lower. As ruthless as the agenda goes, so goes the citizenry. This is the story so far.

Blow It Our Your Ass!

April 29, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Is this why everything's so mangled? Is this why Kevin Fisher and Michael Baldwin have become so damn confused? Is this why Lauren Fenmore is pouring green tea down their throats? Has Terrible Tom Fisher's arrival in Genoa City made these people so crazy Baldwin wants Lauren to go away while he deals with Tom? Is this any reason for Kevin to sing a different tune only moments after agreeing he's a gutless chump and as Tom says, a loser cockroach? Is this why Kevin went to the gym to punch on a bag pretending it was Tom? Was Kevin huffing and puffing and trying to be a badass? Was he telling Mac Browning of his woes and was Mac repeating things Kevin had already said over and over?

Why do they do these things? Why did Baldwin tell Kevin that they should team up to set Tom straight then change his mind? Why did Mac say that Baldwin's a lawyer and this surely will scare Tom? What the hell is going on here? Don't they want us to care? Do they know slurping green tea and acting all stupid will make us root for Tom?

Because it's starting to happen. In just the short time Tom has been here we cheer when he gets that bitch Ashley Carlton to give up some of the most intimate details about her personal and family life. We cringe when Baldwin decrees that Tom's "days of intimidating people are long gone" because we know Tom's intimidation has only just begun. We reach for the brick when Kevin asks big brother what he's going to say during his confrontation with Tom. We wonder if maybe Baldwin has made a list on which Things to say to Terrible Tom is scribbled in crayon at the top.

We feel embarrassed for these boys when Kevin suddenly remembers that his mother might learn of Tom's clear and present danger and Baldwin says there's no reason why Gloria should know. It's not like Tom and Gloria will cross paths. It's not like they'll bump into each other at the Newman Jitter Joint where everyone who is anyone congregates. It's not like Tom is hanging out at the God Have Mercy Medical Center and nobody questions why he's loitering so long in the waiting room.

We laugh when Kevin says Baldwin shouldn't have to "take care" of Tom immediately following Kevin's confession that he's a limp weenie who couldn't fight his way out of a wet paper bag if his life depended on it. We roar hysterically when Kevin turns right around and says with a straight face Tom scared him so bad he almost passed out and wonder if Kevin has noticed the brown lump in his shorts.

We reel when Lauren says Kevin shouldn't be faulted for being terrified after what Tom did to him and, oh, could you tell me about what Tom did that was so bad?

We snicker when Baldwin tells Kevin he'll handle Tom alone as a means to clear his conscience for not being there for Kevin as a kid when earlier Baldwin called Kevin a "hero" for not wanting to get him involved.

We sigh heavily and wish somehow it were possible to have a magic glimpse into the year 2104 to see how the hell the boys survive it all. At the rate it's going this is how long it'll take because first there must be much more of Tom's listening in on Ashley's conversations with Gloria and neither woman noticing the man hiding behind the newspaper. There must be a loud Ashley spewing hot spittle over Gloria letting it be known to anyone within earshot that old man John Abbott would never have married Gloria had he known who her sons are.

There must be Tom appearing before Ashley again to say he couldn't help but hear her bellowing, and Ashley profusely sorry to say that woman wasn't her mother. Gloria is but a step-mother. There's a huge difference and, you're right Mr. Stranger. Gloria and I don't get along. Family unity is not an Abbott strong point except for those times when the Abbott's are running their family values up someone's butt.

Gosh, Miss. What's your name? "I hope you can work things out," the stranger says.
"That's not going to happen in this lifetime," Ashley hacks, but wasn't it nice telling all this to someone I've just met in a freaking hospital waiting room.

Gosh, Mister. Will you be here the next time I come visiting? If you are, who knows? I might just tell you how I stole a man's sperm and killed my baby. It's a frighteningly cute in a slit-your-wrists sort of way story about this guy named Victor Newman. How he was so astoundingly vicious and rude when I told him what I did and demanded to bond with his child. Can you imagine? Alas, I'm pretty busy right now. Got to get over to the office where I pretend to work. If you're here when I get back maybe I'll tell you how I've mutated and grown into this belching bitch. You'll excuse the great cloud of repulsive exhaust blowing out my ass as I leave, won't you Mr. Stranger? Bye-bye now.

Unexpected Guests

April 28, 2005

You know he has one. It's the 60GB model, loaded, with all the bells and whistles.

It's a Blackberry! Gotta be. What else can explain why Terrible Tom Fisher is seemingly up to date on the movers and shakers in Genoa City? With a flick of his wrist Tom can look up Michael Baldwin's home address. With a click here and a click there Tom can learn that his former wife is at the God Have Mercy Medical Center checking up on her new husband. Another click and the Berry spits out information about the powerful Abbott family.

Only a few days in Genoa City and already, like the Ralph Hunnicutt nightmare, certain people are thinking they're seeing ghosts. Baldwin could see it this week on his brother's face. Kevin Fisher's daddy has made contact. No, it can't be. Kevin's mind is playing tricks on him again. No? Kevin says he saw Tom with his own eyes? Then it must be true. But if it is true how did Tom get into their pod? The door was unlocked? Gosh, how does Tom know where they live when Ashley Carlton had to hire a PI to find out? Truly amazing.

Oh, but Tom knows everything. Knows Kevin will always be a cockroach. It's true. Kevin said so himself. Said he wanted to pop Tom in the eye and would have if only he weren't so gutless. On the other hand, Lauren Fenmore says Kevin isn't a bawling baby. Hell, the little firebug hasn't seen Tom for years so it would be normal for Kevin to go into a state of shock, unable to react except to regress into the fetal position, let himself be whipped like a mangy dog.

You know, it's such a terrible shame. It's already so freaking demonic Baldwin can only suggest Kevin discuss it with his shrink. Almost as brilliant as Mac Browning discussing Ralph with Billy Abbott. Well, if that won't work, if Kevin says "I'm a lost cause" why doesn't he go to the police? This time the law will be on his side. Sure, Kevin could do that but he won't. Why? Because, duh, Tom wants something. Whatever Tom wants Tom gets so they might as well surrender.

Baldwin is confused. Want? What could Tom want? Oh! That's right. The lottery winnings! Tom must have read about it in the papers. It was in all the papers - wasn't it? Wasn't there a big headline on the front page and a long story about how some Genoa City nutjob hit all six numbers in the Powerball drawing yet only won a million dollars half of which the government sucked up?

Yeah, that's how Tom knows. And because Tom is, like Ralph, "having hard times" he probably quit his job somewhere as a telephone repairman and drove all the way to Genoa City for his cut. The Fishers are, don't you know, blood.

Oh wait. Why didn't clear-thinking at the time Kevin tell Tom it was Baldwin's lottery ticket? Because Tom would have come gunning for Baldwin? Kevin, my dear brother. You're my hero. You passed up the chance to get rid of Tom because of your big brother? What a guy. Who said you're a coward?

Tell you what little brother. Forget the police. We'll go see Tom. We'll be a team. We'll tell Tom to leave us alone and that will be that. Whadda you say, Kevin?

Meanwhile at the God Have Mercy Medical Center Tom is listening to "You Can't Always Get What You Want" on his Berry. He's at the part where the Rolling Stones sing "but if you try real hard you'll get what you need" when Gloria Abbott strolls into the waiting room. What precision timing Tom must think as a clumsy hospital employee drops a tray sending papers flying across the floor right in front of him.

So as to show he's really not a cold-blooded heartless child molester Tom performs his good deed for the day by picking up the papers thus flinging himself into the lime light but stepping out before Gloria can notice. Except Gloria can feel the vibes. She's got that Mac Browning chill someone is watching her only not from the rafters of a high school auditorium where her mother slings hash in the cafeteria while she tries out for the school play.

Her estranged husband about to be released from the hospital Gloria has come to beg again for John 'Yawn' Abbott's divine forgiveness. From his vantage point Tom hears everything including the adult Abbott kids Jack and Ashley who have made it their goal in life to make Gloria's life miserable. Because their flapping gums make so much noise Tom even learns who Jill Abbott is. When Jack scurries off Tom approaches the totally strange Ashley and she, of course, is more than happy to tell a total stranger why she's at the hospital.

After some convoluted dialog - in which Tom says he's sure old man Abbott is one lucky geezer to have a daughter like Ashley at his side - Tom hits the payphone as unlike Daniel Romalotti - who had a cellphone waiting at Cingular Wireless the moment he blew into town - Tom is, don't you know, having hard times. And since he'd already entered Baldwin's home number into his Berry or committed it to memory Tom had no reason to use the phonebook to set up a meeting with Baldwin. Which, come to think about it, is the only believable thing to come out of the story so far. The last thing we need at this juncture is for Baldwin to pull a Jack Abbott by saying he wasn't expecting any guests.