September 21, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

If it hadn't been for Victor Newman's statement that he likes to keep his enemies nursing on his nipples I'd still be wondering why Brad Carlton was ever hired at Newman Enterprises. Weeks after she signed off on the hiring, CEO Victoria Newman is still wailing she can't trust Brad. She's not happy with him even though just last week she was singing his praises and telling anyone who would listen what a great "team" Brad and she make.

Victoria said it again on Tuesday. She's not happy with Brad, she can't trust him, but they make a good team. She's going along with Brad's idea - an idea he stole from Dru Winters (NE's cosmetics division head who has since thanked Brad) - of putting "tons" of money and time into new cosmetics, but she can't understand what Brad's "agenda" is.

Victoria has repeatedly said Brad has an agenda, so why does she keep him on the payroll? Nobody seems to know. Victoria's brother, Nick Newman isn't sure either. The doofus with the big teeth did say whatever the agenda is, it isn't Brad's style. Victoria, without a clue as to what Brad is up to, agreed. Something about Brad makes her skin crawl and the cooties flee her hairy arm pits yet she's certain Brad's agenda, whatever it is, isn't his style?

Even when Nick, dumb as he is, said that Brad's investment in Jabot should concern her, even when Jabot CEO Jack Abbott has said Brad wants to see Jabot prosper, Victoria still doesn't get it. Why, oh why, won't Brad sell his Jabot stock? Could it be, gasp, Brad is duping Newman Enterprises? It's almost too much for Victoria's inexperienced at anything except screwing stable boys mind to ponder. She does say she won't hesitate to fire Brad if he refuses to sell his stock, however. Something that will have to seen to be believed and by the time she gets around to dropping the hammer, if she can turn that fat ass around, Brad will probably reveal an ironclad contract preventing such termination.

So why bring this to Nick's attention if Victoria has already made up her mind? Perhaps it's one of those "elitist" questions, or naive, or misguided. Maybe Victoria needs to read up on statistical sociopolitical theory. Listening to her conflicting statements is about as painful as scraping skin off with a cheese grater. What company in the world where the CEO worries a key employee may be plotting against it doesn't take action to prevent it?

If you're paying any sort of attention at all, it seems so agonizingly obvious. Between the openly violent, peace-hating, fear-happy loathing and inability to make the simplest decisions, Victoria doesn't know her ass from a hole in a ground. She does know she'd like Brad to plug the hole which is, apparently, the reason she keeps putting up with him and getting all jealous when Brad overtly expresses desire for her sister-in-law.

If lust and jealousy is what it's really all about, why can't Victoria just come out and say so? Why must she engage in the facade of an empire-building CEO when she's never managed to keep a marriage together? It's true. Ryan McNeil didn't want her frozen vagina, Cole Howard got tired of it and Diego Guittierez felt he could get more satisfaction from worming horses or the boys at the Texas bunkhouse from whence he came.

It is, of course, all one big sham, with Victoria as the scowling dupe. When Brad has put the pork to both she and Sharon like Diego did, the common whores can scratch each others eyes out, hurl hate balls at each other and maybe, for some "drama", argue over who sired the babies growing in their bellies. It is, after all, about who can get tired, old, hairless Brad in bed. Sharon and Victoria have run out of real men. They are so desperate, shameless. They've turned to a man who has seemingly screwed every available woman a dozen times and cheated on his wife. They care not that Abby Carlton is confused and does not fully understand why she has two daddies, why cousin Colleen became sister Colleen, or what impact the possibility of becoming Abby's step-mommy will have. Victoria and Sharon represent the women who give Genoa City a bad name. So sleazy, they are but slimy, common sluts.

One Jabot Under Jill Abbott

June 14, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

When I first heard Hack Abbott suggest to his former step-mother/lover that she hire Victoria Newman as her right-hand man at Jabot Cosmetics it went in one ear and out the other. Even when I heard the CEO of Jabot imply she thought it was just the greatest idea since Ryan McNeil became Victor Newman's right-hand man, or Neil Winters' became the great man's left-hand man, I didn't give it much thought.

Except now I'm thinking about it. I'm wondering what the...? Why would Jill take on what amounts to hiring the handicapped? Why would she want a member of the competition's family within smelling distance of Jabot when for months, nay, years on end, the Abbotts have bitched and moaned that the Newmans are responsible for the always falling into the depths of financial hell Jabot.

Is it because Jabot founder John 'Yawn' Abbott said not so long ago the Newmans are now friends? Did, by her death, Cassie Newman unwittingly put an end to the decades old hatred between these two families? And what about Victoria Newman? What qualifies her to be a right-hand anything? Sure, she once ran her father's subsidiary Rash & Sassy Cosmetics, but that was years ago. Things in the business world have changed. If anything, Victoria should be more interested in getting her paws back on the R&S "baby" she nursed from birth.

Victoria should be appalled that the helmet-headed Dru Winters, with no education, with no bigger than a pea for a brain, with such a low amount of common sense she poured untested on humans experimental goop on her head resulting in the loss of hair, is now running the entire cosmetics division of Newman Enterprises.

Who besides Jill and Hack think Victoria will snap up the job when she'll have to report directly to Jill? Who doesn't know Victoria's ego is so big she'd never stoop so low? How can Victoria's employment at Jabot be seen as a "coup" when she'd be nothing more than a gofer?

Alas, this is the only way it will ever work. As Newman Enterprises is pretty much run by the Winters clan it makes sense the Newmans and the Abbotts must intermix and find common ground and there is no one better to take Jabot to the high ground than Victoria as yet untainted by the prejudices and ideologies.

As she dangles the carrot in front of Brad Carlton - who did nothing to save Jabot from near disaster - Jill thinks too that bringing Brad back into the fold would sweeten the pot. Fortunately, while forgetting he and Hack are butt buddies when it comes to Victor, Carlton won't bite with Hack running the Jabot show and went so far as to tell Jill what she should already know:

"Jack is still a sewer rat!"

And what of Nikki Newman? Not that she does much there, Nikki is still employed by Jabot. She poured millions into the toxic chemical dump. And for what? So she can ride to work with a wielding power over her head daughter? So she can take orders from Victoria who, should she take the job, will remind her mother she's Jill's gofer? So mother and daughter will have another reason to be at odds with each other? So Nikki can whine to Victor who will undoubtedly say it doesn't matter and that Nikki should be grateful Victoria choose to stay in Genoa City as was their life-long wish?

Why, yes. As a matter of fact we learned Tuesday Nikki wants Victor to find Victoria a job. Having their daughter gainfully employed will prevent Victoria from leaving town again at the drop of a hat. Really, Nikki said this. Except, and this is important, since Victoria and her brother are "acting like brother and sister" again Victoria must not be employed at Newman Enterprises. And why is that? According to Nikki she [Victoria] "made it clear she doesn't want to work with her brother". Better yet, Victoria went to see Hack about something.

Hearing the name caused Victor's skin to crawl. That bastard Jack better not offer Victoria a job or there will be hell to pay. The otherwise quiet for such a long time flying monkeys in the room began making a racket for at that moment Hack was indeed offering Victoria "the opportunity of a lifetime."

As Jill's right-hand man Victoria will be "second in command". Isn't that thrilling? Why, yes. It is. So much so Victoria thought Hack was "kidding" until he assured her he was "serious as a heart attack." Additionally, Hack told Victoria to forget Jill was once violently opposed to her working at Jabot, and inferred she should ignore that Victor is opposed too. Since then Jill has seen the light. Jill knows the best CEOs "surround themselves with smart people" and that's why, of the many people who must have eons of experience under their belts, Jill chose Victoria.

And what does Victoria get in return? Try not to laugh. As Hack said, the #2 job "ain't chopped liver." Victoria would have "divisions" under her thumb. Nobody will be second guessing her. Why is that? Because Jill answers to Hack and together he and Victoria are "the perfect match."

But forget the business perks; the coup. Giving Victoria something to do will keep her mind off the very dead Cassie Newman!

"You need a challenge," Hack actually said, which should explain why, for this report, Jack was nicknamed accordingly.

So there you go. It's not a done deal. Victoria said she needs time to think about it. But from what we've seen so far it seems safe to say that for the next 1.5 years these interchangeable employees will be the only means toward changing the status quo. The war ravaged cosmetics giants, the stuck in financial mud Jabot and the silly in-fighting between Newman Enterprises employees Dru Winters and Phyllis Summers appear to be on the chopping block. Like-minded people banding together despite their differences to thwart the idiocy that is Genoa City's business world combined may replace all that. Think it'll work?

Living Under a Mustache
May 2, 2005

We are here to enlighten. We are here to bring joy and laughter and surreal stories of bitter madness that will make you want to laugh and cry and scream all at the same time. God only knows how many times Victoria Newman has said she's going back to Italy. Everyone knows she's not going anywhere yet her mother and father can't help but tell themselves they should convince Victoria not to leave Genoa City and stay out of her life as they pry ever deeper into it.

Isn't that funny? Doesn't it make you scream?

Just when it looked as if Victoria might go, that she was actively packing her bags and the plane would be leaving in about an hour, damn but what Victor Newman didn't show up at the Ponderosa tackyroom this week to barf up another load of are you sure you want to leave bile.

"Don't you think we should talk about it?" Victor oozed, as if they hadn't already talked the subject to death. Asked by Victoria that same question Victor said no. There was more. The great man needed to know whether his daughter was going to just up and go "like this."

Victoria said she must be going because Daddy will never change. Victor will forever meddle in her business because she's incapable of putting her foot down. She must live right under Daddy's mustache as an easy target. She can't move to another part of Wisconsin or anywhere in the United States and become her own woman because Daddy's reach is long.

Victor agrees. He won't change. His love for his children and concern for his family is so patriotic. Even though his kids are constantly bitching at him to stay out of their lives Victor can't do it. Family is so important he must continually drive the kids away and then moan and groan when they object. Victor will never change because he must do what he feels is best for the little children.

If only Victoria would take the time to be enlightened as to the bizarre saccharine joy Victor wants to dip her in she'd never be the same again. She'd understand why he prevented her from working for his worse nightmare. But here she is, forcing him to let go of his lifelong dream. If only Victoria weren't becoming an old maid. If only she had kids she'd know what it's like watching them slip away into adulthood.

If Victoria runs off again there won't be any hope of finding a solution to Victor's dilemma. Why does she keeping saying he's the reason she's leaving? Why does Victoria hate him so? Isn't Victor God? Can't she see that when he touches the chosen ones sparks fly? Can't Victoria understand that she is hereby instructed not to think creepy thoughts of him? That he only wants... you know, absolute reverence? Why does his darling daughter recoil? What does she expect?

To be left alone? To accept that kids were born to grow up and make their own way in the world except when they want fancy jobs, big cars and the best education? Well, maybe not the education part.

So let's see. In all the mumbling Victor forgot where he left off. Tell me sweetheart, what were we talking about? Oh, that's right. I'm never going to change. Well, we can't just leave it at that - can we? I must therefore keep this senseless dialog going by asking, who are you going to blame Victoria? Surely there must be someone.

Tell me again, Victoria. How do you feel about this? Don't you know you're breaking my heart? If you must leave, why not take the Newman jet? It's just sitting at the airport. There's no reason to take one of those cramped commercial flights. Let Wally Ramjet fly all the freaking way to Italy and back for just one passenger. Energy crisis? High fuel prices? Who the hell cares? We are Newmans!

You'll do it? Victoria! Don't let it be said you're not your father's daughter. I'm sure the ozone will appreciate your lack of concern for the environment. On the way to the airport I'll call to make sure the jet is fired up by the time we get there.

What? You don't want me to take you because we'd have to have this conversation all over again? Good-bye is the saddest word? Oh my. Have a good life, my darling. You know I did what I thought was best, don't you? You do? Wow! Here all this time I thought your skull was thick. Your ears were plugged. Why couldn't we have just said this from the outset and saved ourselves all this empty chatter?

Because silly, it's not the end of the story. There's more. Much more. At this very moment Nikki Newman is knocking on the outhouse door. She wants the other diaper-wearing adult Newman kids to go along with a plan she cooked up. Her most brilliant ever. Don't you know? It's a plan to keep the family together.

And it goes like this:

If Victoria returns to Italy Nikki will take the grandkids there for a month. So what if little Noah Newman must give up baseball and school and playmates? Who the hell cares what some runt wants? So what if Nick Newman was planning to give Cassie Newman a job in the Newman Enterprises mailroom? Who cares if Cassie will have to give up school and her playmates at a time when she's looking for love? Damn it, family means nothing if it doesn't mean disrupting the lives of two young kids.

What's that? Cassie is still on school? My, my. What was Nikki thinking? Guess she'll have to wait before making definite plans. Since school in this town doesn't let out until October Victoria will have been long forgotten by then. Unless, that is. Unless something were to happen. Like, what if a phone call were to come in right about now from the God Have Mercy Medical Center saying Cassie's been in an accident? Wouldn't that change everything? Damn right.

No Job at Jabot So Stop Whining

April 27, 2005

Oh, for Christ's sake. Why must the elite nitwits in Genoa City paint themselves in corners? Why is Victoria Newman so surprised there's no job for her at Jabot Cosmetics? Weren't the last words out of her mouth to Jack Abbott something to the effect he had 24-hours to crap or get off the pot? Wasn't she pretty much aware then that Jack didn't have his ducks in a row and that getting her to come all the way home from Italy was a big waste of time? When the clock had run out and Jack hadn't called with a solid job offer shouldn't Victoria have surmised she was SOL?

Why then did Victoria travel all the way into the city without calling Jack ahead of time? More importantly, how did she make the one hour trip? Is she too, like Cassie Newman and Daniel Romalotti, spending $50 for taxi fare? Why oh why when Victoria arrived at the Abbott home so early in the morning did Jack say he wasn't expecting any guests? Does it matter? In a town where people pop in unannounced at the strangest hour was he surprised? Why wasn't Jack surprised the last time Victoria showed up unannounced?

When a child of four would have precluded no job at Jabot was forthcoming why did Victoria say she'd been studying the Jabot tutorial? Is there such a thing? Is there some handbook Jabot gives out to potential employees explaining the fine art of concocting skunk oil products, how to spend time away from one's desk or not show up for work if one doesn't feel like working?

Does this Jabot tutorial Victoria spoke of contain a chapter on how to be a CEO? Apparently, as Victoria said she was hoping Jack "could get me up to speed before I leap in head first."

What Victoria should have done was to recall the old adage. "Look before your leap." Had she done that she might have seen the writing on the wall. She's not going to be Jabot's new CEO. Not so long as Jabot owner Katherine Sterling has anything to say about it.

Victoria was stunned. How could it be? How could Jack offer her a job that wasn't his to offer? And to think she'd traveled all the way from Italy on a whim. She'd made the butler pack up all her crap and ship it back to Genoa City and it was just so strange considering a year ago she'd left home with only the shirt on her back.

How could Victoria have let herself be snookered? Who could have ripped the opportunity of a lifetime right out from under her nose? It's not like she can go back to Italy. Not now. Not when there are so many people to blame for her own stupidity starting with Jack, that bastard.

But wait. It's not Jack's fault. Becoming CEO was a done deal even when other CEOs must be first approved by the full Board of Directors. So who then soured the pot? Her own father? Victor Newman? That bastard. Well then, it makes perfect sense.

Jack blames Victor for Jill Abbott's having become the new CEO when it was Jack who hired her so it's only natural to blame Victor when Katherine made the decision to leave Jill in place. It's only right that Victoria should blame her father for "trying to control my life again" when she can easily come and go as she pleases. It's those caveman values these people have which make Jack say that Victor is once again trying to "ruin" his life when Jack does an excellent job of that without any outside help.

Lord help 'em. Victor gets what he wants when he wants. Whatever will become of Victoria? Jack has a perfect solution. Hire her on as Jabot's second in command. Oh yes, Jackie. That's rich. Put two attack dogs against one another. That'll increase sales. That'll get Jabot out from under the financial sludge he said himself only hours ago is still smothering the company.

That's right Victoria. Blame your father. Storm all the way home to the Ponderosa to bitch and moan how Daddy won't let you live your own life. Blame someone else. Live in a tackyroom with two complete strangers when your old room upstairs at the manor is empty. Take $50 cab rides to and from town. Do anything except take responsibility for your own meaningless life.

Tired of Daddy's controlling you, Sweetheart? Haul your ass back to Italy. You did fine there for a year. But if you must stay in Genoa City stop bitching about it. If there's one thing people can't stand it's a whiner.

Different Players, Same Smell

April 18, 2005

So this is how it goes? After traveling all the way to Italy to beg Victoria Newman to give up her life for a job at his family's toxic chemical company Jack Abbott plays it coy when she blows into the city a day later to ask if the job is still open?

Is this not the dumbest thing you ever did hear? Not likely.

Coming to the conclusion at long last that she doesn't want to work at Newman Enterprises where she'll have to butt heads with her moronic brother, Victoria this week went straight to the Abbott Hotel where, despite the fact that elsewhere teenagers were in bed, Jack was up and about and taking important telephone calls.

Meanwhile at the Newman Ponderosa Nikki Newman was zoned out. Despite the friction in the air during a family dinner she didn't grasp that Victoria had yet to make a decision about staying or going. In fact, she thought her daughter and goofy son Nick had gotten along so swimmingly they'd make perfect little Newman Enterprises employees working shoulder to shoulder in the never-ending fight to see who can sell the most toxic chemicals known to man.

"You could cut the tension with a knife," the great Victor Newman said, setting his chalk-faced wife straight. Then, in the same breath, unaware that Victoria had not reached a decision, asked "I wonder how long the truce will last once those two have to function side-by-side."

Now Nikki Newman was confused. "You mean at work?"

Assuming that's what Victor meant, since it was presumed that if Victoria isn't staying she must be going, Nikki said, "I'd be thrilled if Victoria came back no matter what she decides."

At that point the question seemed to be: If Victoria leaves will Nikki be thrilled?

By now Victor was certain Victoria wouldn't want to sit by and "blithely watch" her brother run the company which in his mind meant she'd gladly do what her birthright demands.

Apprehensive, Nikki warned the great man. If he expects the kids to run the empire he can't force them. If he does things will explode.

"Your point?" Victor quipped.

Confusion, confusion. Is it something in the food these people eat? What part of explosion did Victor not understand? What part of if the stockholders ever find out kids are running Newman Enterprises they'll bail like rats from a sinking ship didn't he get?

Case in point: Newman's insecure man-boy CEO Nick. His sister sees him as the "incompetent little brother" because, frankly, it's true. Nick himself said "that's how it will always be" when he confirmed there is no way brother and sister can - or should for that matter - be running a giant conglomerate like Newman Enterprises. Regardless, Nick feels he must slog on. Not to make gobs of money for the company and its shareholders, but to prove his manhood.

As the confusion between the adult Newman grew louder the diaper-wearing and his Depends undergarment wife burst in to demand they explain themselves. "What's going on in here?"

Knowing damn well that his son can be just as easily distracted Victor shined Nick on before asking how his chat with Victoria had gone.

"Why are you asking?" Nick sputtered.

Why? Are you a freaking moron? Don't answer that. You know, did you not, the reason we tossed this little soirée together at the last minute and made the slave prepare a huge meal with no advance notice and wait on us hand and foot was so we could get a sense of where your sister's head is at. So, did you find out?

Listening in on the father-son chat Nikki perked up. "This should be a joyous time", she cackled, and not one of them said "What the hell are you talking about? Joyous? The goddamn air was filled with hate. The tension could be cut with a knife. Were you not paying attention?"

Weary of it all Nick asked if he could go beddie-bye. For granting his wish Victor drew a line on the plush carpet. Was Nick going to give his sister the job?

Nope. The job has been filled. End of story.

And you, scratching your head, had to have asked: if Nick never had any intention of giving Victoria a job why did they participate in the dog and pony show? Why the big dinner? Why the waste of time?

Why the idiocy as Victoria went straight from the Ponderosa into the city to play Twenty Questions with Jack.

Behold.

JACK: Are you interested in the position?
VICTORIA: If I were would it be open?
JACK: You want the job?
VICTORIA: I want to know if there is a job.

Oh Christ Almighty!

The conversation ended when damn but what Michael Baldwin didn't show up merely to warn Jack this his crazy brother, space case Kevin Fisher, might be trying to visit Jack's sick father in the hospital. And again, you've got to ask: if it was so urgent that Jack be warned why didn't Baldwin call him? What didn't he call hospital security? Why did Jack as much as tell Victoria don't call me, I'll call you and she not cuss him out for stringing her along?

After all that, some two hours later, Victoria made the trip back to the Ponderosa just in time to catch Nick and Victor still arguing over whether she'd be working for the family which became a moot point when Victoria said she don't want to work for the stinking family.

It was like a goddamn circus. Really. It was like some chaotic attack on all your senses and an outright assault on your intelligence, and that's long after you stopped caring about what amounts to nothing more than the continuation of the never-ending cosmetics war. Different players. Same smell.

Crap, or Get Off the Pot!

April 15, 2005

I shall loath and spite my insecure brother who so destroyed the family with his back-stabbing I completely freaked out and ran off to Italy never wanting to be found again. And I shall wave my arms in the air and snort like a hungry pig that coming home might have been a mistake but since my Italian address was made public and so many people showed up at my door unannounced decided to drop everything to see for myself what all the fuss is about.

And, lo, it shall be crazy.

I will stroll into Genoa City, worm my way to the old homestead, move into the one-room shack with two people I don't much know about and tell them to keep my arrival secret. My parents living just feet away won't see me. My brother and his nosy wife won't see me. The hired help won't see me and the Acme Security guards at the front gate won't see me. When a total stranger shows up at the door I'll hide for a moment then jump out to say how much I trust him to tell me what's going on within the local cosmetics industry. Then I'll go into town to visit with old friends and during all this time nobody will notice I'm back.

Before all the sinister intimations and the positively draconian implications backfire I will come out to confront my nitwit brother, laugh at his faux family business power, tell him that I should be running the company and keep him guessing as to whether I'll be sticking around to take what's rightfully mine.

Springing my return on my parents I'll say what a mistake it might be so that my father can say that coming home is never a mistake and my mother can ask, after I've just said coming home may have been in error, if I think it was. When my brother's name comes up I'll rant that putting him in control was dumb so that daddy can say he had no choice because at the time he was repaying a debt to society by remodeling an old paint factory which has long since been forgotten. Mommy will say how the Newman Wreck Center "turned the community around" and how "exciting" it all was without mentioning the drug deals or the attempted rape. Nor will mommy mention the skeletal remains found on the property which spun her life out of control and made her remember she shot a five-year-old boy to death.

And, lo, it shall be good.

I will get back on topic. I will ask daddy how long he intends letting brother play King. I will wonder how an old man turns over his empire to a bozo. I will seethe at the thought that an outsider is now running my lipstick franchise before exhaling a deep sigh and say that if I'm to stick around there has to be something in it for me.

Daddy will be shocked. Daddy will wonder. How can his dear daughter be asking what's in for her? Isn't being home with her dysfunctional family reward enough? I will recoil and hiss and spit that I should never have let my parents into my Italian villa. I will say I should have sent them away but lo, I didn't. No, I came all the way to Genoa City to ask questions I didn't want to ask. I flew like a bird to feel things I didn't want to feel. Oh Lord, what is to become of me?

And right after I've spewed all this nonsense daddy will grunt, "It sounds like you regret coming home."

Sounds like? You think?

Mommy will chime in. She'll say the longer I stay the more I'll want to jump into the "fray". Really? After I've just said I don't want to get into it unless there's something in it for me and daddy said he won't put an end to my brother's rein of power? Haven't I said all along that the in-fighting rips our family apart? Why would I want to be part of that? Why would I want to ask Jack Abbott if the job at Jabot is still open? Why would I want to work for the competition knowing damn well it will only agitate and further drive our family apart?

So then, daddy will flip it over. He'll say nonsense. The Newmans are stronger than that. Nothing can do us under. That's why this family is in constant turmoil. The bickering. The hate. We embrace evil given how we appear to have little choice. So what are we to do? What I am to do? Shall I stay? Shall I go? Only one decision to make, really.

Get together for dinner!

Oh, yes! We can make a wish list and spell out our all-American capitalist desires. We might get some fabulous benefits out of it as we all blithely sacrifice our souls at the altar of murky power. After all, evil always has an upside, right? Tell the man-slave to throw another pot roast in the microwave and oh my goodness let the imagination run wild. Maybe when my belly is full I'll be able to crap and get off the the pot of indecision when we knew all along I'd be coming back to stay.

Feel the Pain - and the Love

April 5, 2005

Before writing another column, wherein I hammer the point that the people and events in Genoa City suck so bad it no longer comes as any surprise, I was thinking about writing how, if they wanted to, the writers could make Y&R a really good show.

They could take a lesson or two from the HBO series Six Feet Under. In a recent SFU episode there were many examples of superior writing but two stood out. In the first one of the male characters gives his wife the credit card so she can go shopping as a way to relieve her clinical depression. They have an agreement that purchases made on the card in excess of $100 will be discussed first. Not that they're poor. They recently came into an inheritance and are doing financially well. Despite the windfall they watch the spending.

Saying she's only going to buy a new pair of shoes the husband freaks when he comes home to find a wide-screen high definition TV and a new refrigerator. As the husband throws a fit his wife's sister tells him to get a grip. Look around at their dumpy house! No wonder the wife is depressed. She stays at home all day raising his kids looking at the same dingy walls. Give her a freaking break. After putting himself in his wife's shoes the husband says, yeah. He likes the new TV.

The other example involves a man who is distraught when his wife goes missing for no apparent reason. At his wits end he checks into a motel room near where the wife's car has been found thinking that if she just wandered off she might come back to the area and notice the car parked at the motel. We see the man sitting alone in the room sick with worry when there's a knock at the door. Opening the door he sees his brother and sister who have come to be with him and then falls into their arms crying.

There isn't any long, drawn out convoluted dialog here. No "what are you doing here" or "how long have you been standing there". As well written script we already know the situation. We feel the pain. When the man cries we do too because we feel the love.

Too bad that couldn't have been the case Tuesday at the Newman Ponderosa tackyroom where Phyllis Summers was telling Victoria Newman that thinking she can keep her arrival in Genoa City secret is ludicrous. Yet for as crazy as Victoria's moving into the cramped tackyroom with her and her son is Phyllis said only it would be "interesting" given Victoria was having a hard time finding a place to stash her suitcase.

Victoria's reaction to this?

"I just don't want my parents reading anything into my being back since I probably won't stay."

Say what? How long does Victoria think it'll take for her parents to find out? What would be so wrong with just telling them, "Look. I decided to come back for a visit. I don't plan on staying but if I change my mind you'll be the first to know. If you haven't rented out my room upstairs I'll be moving in for awhile as I see the tackyroom is occupied."

Why is it so damn hard for the writers to pen semi-coherent dialog? Why must Victoria hide when there was a knock on the tackyroom only to pop out like a jack-in-the-box when Damon Porter barged in? Why didn't Porter get the message that Phyllis was tired and not up for visitors? What gave him the right to push his way in anyway when he assumed "something is up with you" and therefore this gave him the green light to waltz in like he owns the place?

Why, when she saw that Porter was about to leave and assuming she wanted to keep her presence secret, did Victoria introduce herself and then tell Porter she doesn't want anyone knowing of her arrival? Doesn't everyone know that a secret is no longer a secret the moment the first person is told the secret?

And why, given she's never met Porter before, would Victoria say she wants to hear all about the cosmetics war from someone "I know and trust"?

Sure, you know this is lame and probably makes you reach for the remote control and a barf-bag and swear again that you really, really are going to stop watching this crap, but where do the so-called professional writers come up with such stupidity? There's no emotion in it. The dialog is hollow and empty and not even so bad as to be funny.

Need more proof?

Bobby Marsino needs a new job so what does he do? Does he go back to the strip club where he could easily get his old, apparently, well paying job back? No. He heads for the Athletic Supporter Club where manager Gina Roma, who couldn't be bothered to hire those employees who were laid off when her RoadKill Cafe burned down, tells Marsino there's a manager position coming up soon. In the meantime he can work part-time as a $7 per hour bartender.

And told by her doctor to avoid stress until the baby is born a pregnant Brittany Marsino suggests she try getting her old minimum wage job at the Little Shop of Horrors back. Like Lauren Fenmore would re-hire this freak after Brittany walked out on her at least twice in the past? And who does Brittany think will watch the baby when its born? If Lauren were to hire her again will Brittany quit when her belly gets so big she can't fit through the door? Just how far does Brittany think $400 a month will go toward paying the rent on the new concrete condom they've moved into?

Not convinced?

How about that lame brain Ether Valentine telling Jill Abbott she'll try to come up with a plan whereas Katherine Sterling might give into Jill's thirst for power at Jabot Cosmetics when Jill has never been anything but hateful towards Ether having called her every name in the book and even after Ether's kindly turn the other cheek gesture said of Ether, "What am I doing waiting for her to put her thinking cap on."

Or, Mac Browning telling Katherine, "She's your daughter. It won't hurt to talk," as if the old woman is supposed to just forget all the hell Jill has put her through.

Again the scribes leave us scratching our heads and yelling "what the hell"  at the TV as they plow ahead rewriting history and upchucking senseless, abysmal emotionless dialog devoid of pain and love.

Occupiers in the Hood

April 4, 2005

Without wondering how anyone can just pack up and leave Italy when they've got art students to teach because you know rich people can do these sort of things, and that Victoria Newman will have the majority of whatever junk she's accumulated in the year she's been gone from Genoa City sent by pack mule, what you wanted to see happen, what the real Victoria would have done the moment she discovered the horse manure-smelling tackyroom she once lived in had become infested by two rats named Romalotti and Summers, did not happen.

Miss Rembrandt did not tell the occupiers to get out of her digs. She did not suggest they find a nice apartment in the city or say, "Christ this place is so small. How do you and Daniel avoid stepping on each other?"

Nope. What with the Newman Ponderosa being so short on living quarters Victoria said she'd be happy to share the tackyroom with them!

Is this not the dumbest thing you ever did hear? Won't it be nice when Jack Abbott or Damon Porter stop by to pork Phyllis? Victoria will get to hear all the moans and groans and screams of ecstasy. When Daniel spanks the monkey late at night she'll get to hear the bed springs creak and the empty tubes of Vaseline being tossed into the trash. And later, when Victoria selects her man of the moment, the roles will be reversed. How nice is that?

The idiocy of Victoria moving into the tackyroom didn't stop there. As part of the "deal" Phyllis, nor her long-haired son, are to tell anyone Victoria is living there. Like nobody will notice. Like nobody hasn't figured out that Genoa City sucketh like never before. We know this. Everyone should know this.

OK, maybe there's a few who don't. But you probably don't want to know them. They're the type who wear backward baseball caps and drive Humvees with gun racks in the back windows. There isn't any lucid person saying to themselves, gosh this soap city is just exceptionally good and clever and makes me want to watch all the time, and oh my God I am so going to pick up the phone right now and call whoever writes this stuff to say I was on pins and needles when Damon Porter and Malfunction Winters tried outsmarting each other to get Adrienne Markham out to dinner.

This is the problem. Genoa City has become the last option, the thing you watch only when there's nothing else to do. It has become white noise, something you turn on just to keep from falling asleep but snooze anyway as Victor Newman says for the umpteenth time he doesn't like the business decisions his diaper-wearing back-stabbing son is making, should yank him out as Newman Enterprises CEO, but can't bring himself to do it because we know that will become Victoria's ultimate goal.

Genoa City lost its spark about 5 years ago when Olivia Winters was infatuated with finding a role model for her son and when she couldn't sent Nate Hastings off to a boarding school never to be seen again. The flame flickered when Keith Dennison went into a coma, and unlike today's 24-hour media whore coverage of certain coma victims, was never seen again. The flame went out when without a trial and sketchy evidence dizzy Izzy Williams was sent to prison.

The sad news is, we are now way past Genoa City's Golden Age, that time way back when women kept their men in cages and men trapped their nemesis in the wine cellar and so many were somewhat interesting and didn't have to be de facto obnoxious and didn't make really awful statements on the subject of birthright theft.

But of course, that was then.

And I was just recently looking at the archives and found myself flipping through the year 2000 when Billy Abbott passed out in the snow after overdosing on alcohol at a beer party, was thought to have suffered brain damage, but thanks to family prayer made a remarkable recovery and volunteered at a local homeless shelter to make amends.

And I was all, whoa, this is good, followed by hey wait, this sucks because just a few weeks later the newest student at Genoa City High School, Billy was crowned King at the school prom. This was followed by the realization that aspiring author Nina Webster was engaged to writer Tomas del Cerro but Tomas didn't want to share the spotlight when he learned Nina's book would be made into a movie and his book would not. Tomas couldn't get over himself so the two parted ways with Nina moving to Los Angeles with her son never to be seen again and Jill Abbott never again mentioning her precious grandson, Phillip Chancellor IV.

So without direction or purpose the best Jill can do now is stare into a burning April fire mumbling how dismal her future is as the equally defrocked hedge clipper Brad Carlton blathers that when he looks into the fire he sees the future.

Like beacons in a wasteland of endless boring rehash those days of yesteryear look good compared to the empty shells of themselves people in Genoa City have become. They've been there and done that so many times they look like useless old poops just waiting to die. Considering Genoa City's sad wake, maybe this is a hint, a glimmer that will usher in a true rebirth. A hope that Genoa City's one foot in the grave baby boomers and geriatric generation will soon be six feet under so that more interesting and dynamic characters moving in to take their place won't have to share limited tackyroom space.

New Victoria: Not Brash, Not Sassy

March 24, 2005
by Michael Kelly

This reporter has come to the conclusion it's 1997 all over again. Let me explain.

In 1997, 3 major female roles on Y&R were recast within a few months of each other. For those with short memories, the characters I'm referring to were Grace Turner (Josie Davis was replaced in favor of Jennifer Gareis), Phyllis Summers Romalotti (Michelle Stafford, the current Phyllis, took a 3 year whirl at broadening her acting horizons and was succeeded by Sandra Nelson) and Victoria Newman.

The original Victoria, Heather Tom, opted to depart Genoa City and before she was lured back later the same year an unfortunate, woefully out of her league actress by the name of Sarah Aldrich tried and failed to fill Ms. Tom's formidable shoes.

When we flash forward to 2005 we find that this year, like 1997, is The Year Of The Y&R Recasts. And all of them are female.

In January, Joan Van Ark, relinquished the role of Gloria Abbott to Judith Chapman reportedly because the rigors of cranking out a brand spanking new hour of Genoa City soap suds each day was more than pampered prime-time television veteran Van Ark could bear.

Just when this heavy duty Van Ark devotee was warming up to Chapman (although she's still too damn young to play Michael Baldwin's mother), Y&R inflicted its newest Victoria (Amelia Heinle) on this recast weary reporter.

It should also be noted that in less than a week, Genoa City observers will be subjected to a third Mac Browning either because the original actress (Ashley Bashioum) places a higher value on education than portraying the oldest living Y&R virgin or - if we accept far-out rumors as fact - the scribes want to transform mousy Mac into Genoa City's first known lesbian and believe Rachel Kimsey (who supposedly wowed the powers that be when she tested for the role of Victoria) is the ideal actress to tackle such a challenge.

But let's get back to Ms. Vicky. Better yet, let's get out the Hefty bags and start trashing Amelia Heinle who, however kind and well-intentioned she may be away from the Y&R set, is a an unmistakable fraud.

In fact, this namby pamby pretender is so meek, so lacking in chutzpah, screen presence and is so, well, unlike Victoria she couldn't even muster an iota's worth of believable rapport with her parents Victor and Nikki despite the fact both Eric Braeden (Victor) and Melody Thomas Scott (Nikki) went out of their way to lavish their new onscreen daughter with parental warmth and emotional support.

I tried to play devil's advocate the past few days as Heinle did her thing. I wanted to be fair. After all, she's taken over an immensely popular role played to Emmy winning perfection by an actress we watched evolve as a performer throughout an over 12 year tenure while Victoria herself transformed before our eyes from a spoiled little girl devastated by her parents' divorce into a commanding, sophisticated career woman who overcame the death of a child and the loss of true love. It's a tall order for even the most talented of actresses to fill. Particularly when Tom's most ardent admirers vowed long before Heinle even aired they would not abide anyone but Heather in the role.

Perhaps because the writers knew full well the mammoth mountain their new Victoria had to climb, they thought it best to soften the character not only to disguise Heinle's shortcomings as an actress but also to create sympathy for a young woman who is suddenly and inexplicably artistically and domestically inclined. To say nothing of the fact the former boardroom ball-buster now volunteers her time at a convent school! While it's possible for those born in Genoa City and wise enough to seek saner and less sinful surroundings to change, the scribes have gone overboard with this kinder, gentler Victoria crapola.

Then again, it's possible Heinle's blah, uninspired performances can be attributed to a newbie's nerves or scripts that lack bite. Perhaps when Victoria returns to GC and attains a sense of purpose Heinle will get a handle on her new role and dazzle us all with her acting prowess. As of now however, it's damn difficult to imagine this wishy washy, fragile flower putting sharp-clawed shrews like Phyllis Summers and Dru Winters in their place or giving her power mad prick of a brother the swift kick in the ass he deserves.

I must admit there are a couple of things about Ms. Heinle I approve of. For one thing, like her predecessor, she's attractive in an exotic way that is atypical of your average soap opera ingénue. Like Tom, she also looks like she could be Eric Braeden's daughter but unlike Tom, Heinle refused to become yet another bottle blonde which is to her credit.

From a script standpoint, one of the few positive, historically accurate decisions the writers made was to have Victoria mention her loathing of Ashley Carlton because of the other woman role Carlton once played in the deterioration of her parents' marriage. What a shame Heinle didn't sink her teeth into the meant to be bitter moment as Tom would have.

Sure, one could make all sorts of excuses for the new actress. I could assume Heinle's Victoria was distant to her parents during their visit because they took her by surprise. Or because she'd left home so long ago due to all the fussing during the fallout from Victor's commercial bribery scandal and had since "found peace" far away from home in her little Italian world. Or I could assume she was uncomfortable talking to her folks while her father's nemesis Jack Abbott lurked outside the door.

But none of these rationalizations change the fact that Heinle seemed uncomfortable, fatigued and overwhelmed even performing the watered down, unchallenging material given to her. While I reserve the right to change my mind about Heinle should she suddenly display a hint of the spark and strength we associate with Victoria Newman, I can't help but think it would be better to leave this unassuming, colorless creature in Italy. As of now, her personality is like a blank canvas waiting and needing to be painted.

Rat-Infested Soap Opera Dramedy

March 24, 2005

Write this down in the archives. On March 23, 2005, Victoria Newman said not less than twice she is, to paraphrase, "at peace" in Italy. In fact, Queen Victoria has "never been more at peace" which wipes out those times when she told stable boy Diego Guittierez that being in bed with him was most peaceful.

It's worthy to note how at peace Victoria is not because the Pope lives just down the street, but because she gets so turned on teaching her students how to paint!

Oh God, you might shout. How can it be, you might ask. Victoria has been in Italy for a whole year and she's teaching others how to do something she barely knows how to do herself? Is this some happily bleak interpretation of the notion that those that can, do and those that can't, teach?

The brutal statement followed the impromptu arrival of Victoria's parents. Asked if their unannounced visit might be disconcerting Victoria said no. It was her night for surprises.

The word 'surprise' caused Victor Newman to perk up. Was Victoria saying that he and his lovely wife were not the only ones to show up out of the blue? Isn't this what all family members who haven't seen in a year say when they're reunited? Isn't asking someone if barging in without warning like calling someone late at night to ask "did I wake you?" Was it the distinct smell of Jack Abbott in the air that made Victor suspicious?

Victoria shined the old man on by quipping that one should always expect the unexpected. A parent from Genoa City should never be surprised to learn that his/her daughter is hiding enemies of the family outside in the cold.

But enough about the possibility that Jack might glide down on gilded wings and wearing a kickass robe of fire kick Victor to Hell. Nikki Newman needed to know: is her daughter happy?

"Do I look happy?" Victoria replied staying within the rules of always answering a question with a question which was followed by Nikki saying, why, yes. Victoria does look happy so slap me for asking the obvious. This, of course, caused Victor to understand why Victoria has been away from her family for so long. It further led to a set of actual facts told in cautionary rat-infested soap opera dramedy. To wit:

"Our family has been through some rough times."
"Rough times make for good relationships."

And how could Victoria have any idea that her nitwit brother is running the Newman empire?

"I read the international business section" Victoria actually said, adding that the Newman wars still generate huge global media interest. Italians and Taliban alike are watching and waiting to see if Nick Newman can fill his father's shoes and thus fulfill the Newman prophecy.

Despite her intent interest Victoria made it clear she doesn't want to go back to Genoa City because she's so at peace in Italy. She finds "teaching" very "satisfying" and without missing a beat Victor asked if all the paintings strewn around her villa are the work of her students.

It did not matter whether they were or weren't. The absurdity that Victoria is teaching art, the disbelief that Victor and Nikki didn't burst out laughing, had already taken a firm grip and was squeezing the life out of what might have been Victoria's credible return to Genoa City.

No sense of anything real. No illusion that the spoiled Victoria is simply another rich American in Italy. No hint that maybe she's bored and would like to get back into Genoa City's pastime of vicious and mostly pointless political maneuvering that does absolutely nothing to solve the impending crisis of the week.

It could have been so easy. But no. Not anymore. Not with these bozos. Got to make Victoria something she isn't. An art teacher when she's barely graduated from coloring books.

See also: Michael Kelly Reports on the new Victoria

Hammer of Indignation Falls Again

March 21, 2005

Having just scoured the headlines you may say to yourself it must be true. When you snooze, you lose! Had Victor and Nikki Newman got off their butts and hightailed it out of town they might have arrived in Florence, Italy, long before Jack Abbott.

As it so happened Victoria Newman was just on her way out when Abbott knocked on the door. Not knowing what else to say the budding artist asked, "What are you doing here?" to which Abbott replied that he just happened to be in the neighborhood.

Snatching her sketches out of Jack's greasy hands Victoria told him to make it snappy. What the hell was of such importance that he he'd go halfway around the globe? Without getting to the point Jack suggested Victoria was in a rush to meet some "hot date" and should cancel it because he had arrived.

Through clenched teeth Victoria asked how he'd managed to find her and getting no definitive answer said she was on her way to the art studio and would Jack please get to the damn point?

Finally, Jack spilled it. He'd come to Italy to convince her to come home. Victoria was slightly appalled at the presumptuousness. The reason she left Genoa City was to get away from the bickering and the hatemongering self-serving charlatans most of whom are in the service of cosmetics barons. Home isn't home anymore. Just thinking about Genoa City causes her stomach to twist and turn.

Yet despite the corporate profiteering Victoria said she's been keeping abreast of the news. She's aware of Jack's taking over Jabot Cosmetics via his new position at Chancellor Industries. While it may be business as usual she's very happy living in Italy because she's free as a bird to do as she pleases just because she can.

Raising the bar of nastiness Jack told Victoria that if she wanted to go home she could go on being a Newman while at the same time not being a Newman if she caught his drift. Since business is in her blood Jack couldn't see why she wouldn't jump at the chance of becoming Jabot's newest CEO.

Victoria laughed in Jack's face. Did this just happen? Had Jack really had the nerve to ask her to stab her own family in the back? Because bottom line that's what he wanted knowing full well that brother and sister would instantly be at each other's throat. That going home to work for the competition would be a slap in the Newman face, except of course for Victoria's mother, which is quite a different story in that Nikki Newman doesn't really work at Jabot, she just has money invested there.

So what will Victoria do, you might mutter in astonishment, as you pop another pill to take the edge off this bleak and sinister development. Will she call her parents and ask what the hell is really going on? Will she wait until they show up at her door with their side of the story? Will she throw away a year of artistry for another chance to jump back into the swamp that is Genoa City? Will she see Jack's offer as an opportunity of a lifetime, a chance to stick it to Jack by taking over Jabot and plotting the company's downfall? Anything less would be pointless unless Victoria has harbored some loyalty toward Jack for pulling her out of the swimming pool so many years ago. Or, as easily as she was found, has Victoria forgotten her true loyalty is to Victor Newman?

It's true, Victoria left Genoa City because of the toll all the fighting had taken on her family. She, like many of you reading this right now, was sick of the war. So now, just because, Victoria is coming home? She's going to be a major participant in the hatemongering? She's prepared for more fights and already salivating at the thought of once again bringing the hammer of indignation down upon the heads of those who get in her way?

So then. It's actually good news that right now, wonder of wonders, Victoria is coming home. There are many good things she could accomplish starting first with exposing Phyllis Summers for the traitorous bitch she is. It was Summers, a Newman Enterprises employee, who foolishly sold her empty soul again to Abbott by apparently hacking into company computers to locate Victoria's whereabouts. Phyllis thinks, wrongly, that Victoria will return to NE to throw out the evil Dru Winters now in charge of Victoria's pet project, Rash & Sassy.

Nothing would be finer than watching both Summers and Winters kicked out of the business world they have no business being in. But is this the best that can be hoped for? More fights and hissy fits? More declarations that they've got to wage this war for the sake of saving the innocent Ritalin-happy Newman kids and Jabot's heir-apparent Abby Carlton?

In a sea of nasty agendas and nutjobs manning the guns, dream fragments must be grabbed wherever they can be found. They must be ridden like silver bullets and prayed they take these people somewhere new, and positive. Is it possible? Let's hope.

Cosmetics War Goes Global

March 16, 2005

Oh dear Lord please don't let it be all convoluted and depressing and messy and stupid and please don't let it embarrass us all over again even more than it already has and even more than it already is and even more than we've endured these past debilitating and soul-crushing years. Hello? Please? Is it already too late?

Yes, as before, as if locating Victoria Newman was not some kind of miracle, as if Kevin Fisher won the lottery and has therefore become "a free man" and wants to buy a big house and a shiny new SUV, lo but what it is apparently another completely tortuous and reeking of moldy cheese coincidence that both Victor Newman and Jack Abbott would learn of Victoria's whereabouts at about the same time, order the corporate jets fueled, race to the airport and see who can get to Italy first.

That's where Victoria is. Are they serious? What a thing.

Phyllis Summers didn't get the information from the Newman Enterprises human resources division or payroll or Nick Newman's personal computer address book like she'd tried hacking into as if Nick had his sister's address all this time and was keeping it a secret from the family. Then again, maybe she did. Maybe that explains why Phyllis would tip off Dru Winters that she was searching for Victoria so that Dru would become paranoid and subsequently ask Nick for a three year employment contract to which he freakishly agreed considering the great work Dru does during those very rare times she's at the office.

Maybe that's why Phyllis would ask Dru what Victoria's reaction would be should she return to Genoa City and find her Rash & Sassy skunk oil project being run by a foul-mouthed hack. Maybe that's why Dru asked "why are you looking for Victoria?" when Phyllis had practically told her why.

Which is, well, simply staggering. Mind blowing. Odd. Gut wrenching. Colon clenching. Eyeball gouging. And so on that just an hour away as the SUV guzzles gas Victor Newman was announcing that he'd found his daughter in Italy. As soon as the Newman jet is fueled he and his darling wife will be winging their way to Florence.

The real question is why Newman or Abbott must go anywhere at all. If, they've found Victoria why not call? Why not ask Victoria if she'd like to forget why she left Genoa City in the first place and come back to the exact same thing? Is it to be taken for granted that time has healed Victoria's wounds? Apparently.

And now that Ashley Carlton has given her husband permission to put in for the CEO position at Jabot Cosmetics and the white flag has been raised how frantic that they are all headed toward the utterly appalling notion of another four years of cosmetics war and battles for power?

As you so often do you want to block it out. You want to yank your hair and say no way in hell and lean out the window and scream into the void and pray it will all be over soon, even though you know better. This is what the endless struggle for Jabot is all about. It's what gives otherwise meaningless characters meaning.

It simply boggles the mind: we've already had years of some of the most appalling and abusive hate mongering in Genoa City history, some of the most well-documented atrocities ever wrought and it's all come together again on a global scale. World War. Let's see who can most violently botch and grossly mismanage it this time. Let's see who can treat who like a dog treats a fire hydrant.

Inexplicable? Not really. People want to believe that something better will come of all this, even against all screaming evidence to the contrary. They simply cannot allow that this continuum of the continuum with slightly different participants might really be another slap to their intelligence. Like a battered spouse they keep coming back for more.

Defiance of Logic

March 15, 2005

You want meandering swill smothered in garlic? Then break out the barf-bags because there's a tidal wave of it headed Genoa City's way.

It all started Tuesday at the Newman Ponderosa when Victor Newman told his back-stabbing son that regardless of the many times Nick has betrayed him he stands ready to do whatever it takes in the event junior needs help running the empire or changing his diapers. Yes, old baggy eyes Victor is becoming senile. What else can explain why the great man said he's always thought of his kids at his side "fighting for Newman Enterprises" when the company has never come close to failure?

Hearing his sister's name caused a wave of paranoia to sweep over Nick's spineless back. Victoria? As in Victoria Newman? Is she coming back from wherever she ran off to last year? Does daddy know something he's not saying?

Not really. Victor knows Victoria will come home "some day" and when that day comes he'd like for her to run the entire Cosmetics Division. Not just Rash & Sassy, the teen line of toxic chemicals, but Safra as well! That's not to say Victoria would actually be doing any work. She'd just go around putting "her stamp on things."

His knees wobbly Nick asked exactly what that meant. Is Victoria coming home? Again, Victor said he didn't know for sure. All the chatter of Victoria was so much wishful thinking. But since Nick had asked, what would he do if Victoria was to come home? Would he throw a hissy fit? Stick a knife in her back too?

"I haven't thought about it," Nick lied, then lied again as the conversation weirdly changed to NE employee Dru Winters. How is the recently appointed head of the cosmetics division doing? Given that Dru hasn't spent much more than an hour at the office other than to check the mail for a DNA testing kit since the return of Malfunction Winters, how was the department head holding up under the pressure?

"We work well together. She's energetic, eager," Nick barfed, then in the same breath slimed Dru for being "insecure". The trick, according to Nick, is to keep Dru "so busy she doesn't feel insecure."

If one didn't know better it might have seemed as if these two were hooked up to those large tanks they keep in the corner of their respective offices. The ones with the words DOW CHEMICAL written on them. Whatever is in those tanks rots their remaining brain cells; causes memory loss as evidenced by Victor's redundancy.

"How would you feel if your sister were to show up and wanted to become part of NE again?" he asked again and again said that if Nick needs help changing his diapers just let him know.

Victor wasn't the only person thinking about his daughter this day.

In an amazing defiance of logic Jack Abbott was thinking of Victoria too.

Hanging out at his new office away from the office under his father's roof Jack had invited Phyllis Summers over for breakfast. He told his former wife of the trouble with new step-mommy Gloria Abbott, how she's trying to take over the family business and has him so frazzled he can't think straight and that's why he needs someone to run Jabot Cosmetics. Not just anyone. Not Brad Carlton. Not Jill Abbott or anyone with the slightest knowledge of the company, but Victoria Newman!

Oh yes! This became quite clear. Not because Jack made it clear, but because when he asked Phyllis how things are going at Newman Enterprises she said she's doesn't understand why Nick put Dru in charge when Dru "is hardly ever" on the job. This totally unrelated to anything comment made Jack ask "does that mean Victoria is coming back?" as how would Phyllis know since she's hardly worked a day in her entire life?

Phyllis said she didn't know, but, if Victoria wanted a job her father would make sure she got it. The end result would be Nick getting all pissy, Dru demoted back to spokesgeek and Phyllis having to share an office with the hack again until or if Phyllis could convince Victoria to fire Dru.

In order for Phyllis to climb higher up the ladder to success would require an extraordinary feat like, finding out from payroll where Victoria is. This was Jack's idea. Suddenly, when not a single member of the Newman family has had any idea where Victoria has been the past year, all Phyllis must do is get the information from payroll? Jack will contact Victoria, say he wants her back in town, and she'll come just like that?

This is a high-minded solution appropriate only for the non-thinking commoners who love their meandering swill. This exploitation of the naive is academic. They are prime targets for predatory writers who just love to offer easy solutions without consistency or believability. There is no cap when it comes to defying logic.

Victoria's Secret
Newman Heiress Will Return!

February 16, 2005
by Michael Kelly

After an absence of 15 months, the Genoa City News has learned Victoria Newman, the spoiled but strong-willed daughter of Victor and Nikki Newman as well as the former head of Newman Enterprises' cosmetics division, will return to town on or about March 21 in the new but disproved form of actress Amelia Heinle.

The 31 year old Heinle's credits include playing Mia Saunders (2001-04) on the daytime drama All My Children and the part of Steffi Brewster on the now defunct soap Loving (1993-95) as well as the 2001 made for cable TV movie Sally Hemings: An American Scandal. Heinle also appeared in The Limey (1999), a critically acclaimed feature film starring Terence Stamp.

Renowned for her looks as well as her potential for film stardom, Ms. Heinle was once named by a leading soap mag as one of daytime's Most Beautiful Women and praised by TV Guide as an actress with "big screen potential."

Heinle will assume the role of Victoria from two-time Emmy winner in the Outstanding Younger Actress category Heather Tom, who literally grew up before viewers eyes during her enormously popular and critically acclaimed tenure (1990-97; 1997-2003) on Y&R. In 1997, Tom left the role for several months but proved to be an impossible act for her successor Sarah Aldrich to follow and to the fans' great relief, Aldrich was quickly canned.

Throughout her compelling stint on Y&R, Tom successfully and profoundly tackled numerous demanding and emotionally draining story lines including an AIDS scare at the tender age of 15, frigidity, two broken marriages and the death of her newborn child.

Due to shocking and appalling stinginess and short-sightedness on the part of the powers that be, Tom opted to exit the show in the fall of 2003 when she understandably refused to accept a decrease not only in salary but the number of days she worked. Even before her last Y&R airdate in December of that year, Ms. Tom had returned triumphantly to daytime television portraying Kelly Cramer on One Life To Live, where she remains to this day and routinely receives considerable kudos for her performances.

Presumably aware of the huge, talented shows they had to fill due to Tom's departure, Y&R execs took their sweet time finding the actress' successor. It was announced last year that Victoria would return in November, but obviously those plans were delayed. Numerous actresses with soap experience were in contention to play Victoria including Christina Chambers (As The World Turns) and Christie Clark (Days of our Lives).

This reporter has never before seen a performance of Ms. Heinle so I therefore cannot form an opinion regarding her acting ability or whether she's appropriate for the part. In can only be hoped the same insipid suits who inconceivably let Tom get away after callously under appreciating her worth to Y&R and the affection millions of viewers felt for the character will see to it the year Victoria was absent was cautiously and wisely spent finding an actress in Ms. Tom's league who will make Ms. Newman's long-awaited return something to celebrate.

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Sister Scorned

January 4, 2005

Don't you just love when a plan comes together? Nick Newman is running around all puffed up thinking he's in control of the Newman empire but constantly looking over his shoulder because he knows daddy is really running the show. That was evidenced this week when Jack Abbott, banned from ever entering Newman Towers, showed his face at Newman Enterprises to ask the little pipsqueak whether he's pinched himself lately. In Genoa City this needs to be done frequently when things are going good because the good die young.

Nick says he's been waiting all his life for a chance to show just how far up the ladder golden boys with nothing more than a degree from Genoa City University can go. This despite the fact he's had two previous opportunities to run Newman Enterprises and in both cases got kicked out on his ass.

One of his first acts upon taking power was to lift the ban on Abbott and now Nick is spouting again that he's either running the company - or he's not - and that if the going ever gets tough he'll be sure to consult with his father's nemesis. Not a smart thing for the CEO of a major conglomerate to say especially with the office door open and daddy in the outer office overhearing every word.

Growling how he thought he'd barred Abbott from the building and that if he'd never seen Abbott again it would have been too soon, Victor Newman offered his condolences to Katherine Sterling. The old woman must be suffering from dementia for what else would explain why she hired Abbott when it is widely known that Jabot Cosmetics will reportedly file chapter 11 bankruptcy protection thanks in part to Abbott's dismal performance as Jabot CEO?

The pleasantries aside and Abbott dismissed, Victor strongly hinted it would behoove his son to rehire Neil Winters. Nick flicked off the notion. It's not like Winters is indispensable. There are others out there capable to doing the dirty work. In time Nick will find a suitable replacement.

Without belaboring the point Victor slammed Nick with the news. It was news Nick did not immediately grasp the impact of.

Victoria Newman is coming home!

The former head, and apparently still in charge, of NE's cosmetics division Rash & Sassy had called Victor earlier to say she'd been thinking for some time about coming home to roost and from what Victor said will be doing just that.

As to where his daughter has been for more than a year Victor said he was too excited to ask. As to when, exactly, Victoria will be coming home Victor didn't ask about that either.

Suffice it was that Victoria had called to say she was thinking about returning. It was enough to give Victor hope that his family will be all together again which it never is but they like to keep saying this so as to give the impression that the Newmans are family oriented and full of values.

Besides the fact that Victoria's division has been waiting around all this time for leadership there's one little matter of great importance Nick has seemingly forgotten. His sister holds a seat on the Board of Directors! A position that could, if there is a God, spell Nick's doom.

Sure, it may be wishful thinking that Victoria is coming back to kick her brother's ass, that she's coming to pay him back for sticking a big knife if Victor's back, but with hope fading fast that twerps like Nick Newman and J.T. Hellstrom won't be permanently replacing their mentors it's all we've got to cling to.