2005 News Archives
Hank Weber

The Laughing Stock of Genoa City

June 9, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

I swear to you, today, my ribs hurt from laughing so hard. Maybe you had to be there. Maybe you had to wonder why a police detective with a warrant for Daniel Romalotti would go all the way to the Newman Ponderosa to serve it. Hasn't Hank Weber heard? Romalotti moved into the Abbott Hotel days ago. Shouldn't a cop so concerned Daniel wouldn't keep his court appointment, so sure Daniel had fled the jurisdiction, have been keeping tabs on the kid?

What the hell kind of police department is Genoa City running? It took a still huffing and puffing "I'm going to find that punk" Nick Newman to tell Weber if he wants to serve his warrant go ask Lily Winters where Daniel is. You'd be laughing at this dog and pony show too as moments before Weber's appearance Nick said this:

"I've learned a lot from my dad over the years. I'm going to use every source available to track this punk. If he thinks he can escape justice or me he has another think coming."

Do you see how stupid this is? If, as Nick says, Lily knows where Daniel is, why doesn't Nick go ask Lily? Why is he planning to waste money on these vast resources if all it takes is turning Lily upside-down by her pigtails and shaking the truth out of her?

Armed with this information did Weber go to the Winters apartment? Did he stop by Lily's school or her parents' place of employment to see if they might know where Lily is? Hell no! Since he knows all kids hang at the Jitter Joint that's exactly where Weber went. Only he didn't expect to run into Lily's screener.

Weber told JJ Manager Malfunction Winters he was packing a warrant, had a few questions for his niece and since it was obvious by the schoolbooks Lily was indeed there to produce her. That's when Malfunction got snippy. Keep in mind, as usual, we are not making this up.

"Her parents asked me to look out for her," Malfunction oozed, refusing to turn over a material witness until he decided to do so or not.

And you, as usual, not actually watching this crap anymore, but reading about it here in these pages, might have said, "So Weber warned Malfunction not to hinder justice, right?"

Wrong!

Weber just sat back and took it up the rear. He even told Malfunction that Daniel had jumped bail, blah, blah, until he remembered Lily holds the key to his maybe solving one case during his pathetic career.

In the potty at the time Lily had more than enough time to escape out the window before Weber got around to remembering why he was there. By then it was too late. Lily was long gone. Straight to the Abbott playhouse she went to tell Daniel, looking fresh as a daisy after coming out of hiding long enough to get a haircut, the heat is on.

In a related and equally moronic development, Phyllis Summers reported today she made contact with the man who claims to be Daniel's father and that Danny Romalotti was "furious" with her for letting Daniel get into trouble. As for Danny returning to stand shoulder to shoulder with the boy he claims to care so much about, Phyllis said she told the washed up rock star to stay in Europe in the event Daniel makes his way there. Not only that, Phyllis said Daniel is aware of Danny's concert tour schedule and would know where to find him. Besides, she added, "I don't need anyone else telling me what a terrible mother I am."

Okay, if you're done crying, you can go back to laughing. This case has, like all others before it, become the laughing stock of Genoa City.

Hank Weber's Accident

May 3, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Anyone who has ever been in an accident or knows anything about accident investigation must be laughing right now at the chest-thumping suburban warrior Hank 'KGB' Weber. The good upstanding police detective must just have happened to be at a nearby Krispy Kreme stuffing his face with toxic, more calories in one than a Big Mac, donuts when the accident happened.

Weber, the slimy cop who did his poorest to put crazy Kevin Fisher behind bars, must have heard the crash when the vehicle teenagers Cassie Newman and Daniel Romalotti were riding in smacked into a utility pole. Weber must have waddled over to the donut shop door and squeezed his fat ass outside just in time to see Romalotti come flying out the driver's side. How else would he have been able this week to warn Romalotti's mother that if Newman dies her son will be charged with vehicular homicide?

Weber did not see a damn thing. He can barely see over his belly. He had no business being at the accident scene. But for the sake of argument what might he have seen exactly?

He saw an empty car smashed up against a pole. Paramedics apparently reported the passengers were thrown clear as Dr. Olivia Winters stated at the God Have Mercy Medical Center that both victims "were thrown into an open patch by the highway."

It defies logic that both Newman and Romalotti would have landed in the same place. The more credible belief would be that the driver went left and the passenger right but this is Genoa City where the strangest things can and do happen. Given that both occupants were found laying in the same location it would be impossible to determine who was driving unless one of the occupants has the proverbial "crack" in their forehead that comes as the steering wheel hits the driver on his/her way toward or through the windshield.

This, as opposed to the permanent crack all the kids in this town exhibit, any reputable trauma room physician will verify as what happens during a head on crash. Despite this particular vehicle was a convertible would not have changed the trajectory. Crash victims do not go up and over. They go straight out.

For Weber to demand from both parents that they explain their child's relationship to one another was staggering. What difference would it make and why would either Nick and Sharon Newman or Phyllis Summers entertain such a question? It'll be interesting to see if they give Weber the time of day. It will be of further interest if they tell their kids to keep their mouths shut.

Unable to determine who the driver was Weber will be SOL. What he's doing on this case at this point boggles the mind. Had there been a death, or if someone eventually dies, it might make sense for the City of Genoa City to bring a charge of wrongful death by way of the Prosecutor's Office. Not from some rouge ambulance chasing cop.

It's called Manslaughter. Nationwide it happens every day. Getting a conviction against a drunk driver is not easy. It can takes years to get such cases into court and in those rare cases where a conviction is attained the most those convicted can expect to receive as punishment is five years probation.

In America, death at the hands of drunks is no big deal. Those convicted of DUI, those who have their licenses suspended continue to drive with as many as 18 convictions. For Weber to be bellyaching and throwing around empty threats only serves to turn the situation into even more of a joke then it already is. It was a car crash, Mr. Weber. That's why they call them accidents. That's what your mother said when you were born, Mr. Weber.