The
Great Letdown, Wedding of Year Ends in Tragedy
December 12, 2005
by Brent Kellogg
When you're committed to doing something regardless of how painful
it may be, you've got to stick with it. That's what I told myself
today as the Baldwin/Fenmore wedding came to an anti-climatic end.
What a let down. What a waste of time. The droning piano music. The
depressing ColonRoom, the sunken-eyed Paul Williams and his ever
vigilant hunkmonkey scanning the place looking for evildoers who
never showed up - so they thought.
The faux, aren't we the best of friends even though you've kicked my
ass and couldn't stand my guts until Cassie died, Victor and Nikki
Newman congratulating old man John 'Yawn' Abbott and his rubberized
wife, Gloria for a job well done in that they had rid themselves of
two children named Michael and Lauren who won't be living under the
Abbott roof until maybe the day Lauren kicks Michael out her bed or
vice-versa.
The faux, we're so happy you could make it to the wedding political
correctness as Yawn thanked the Newmans for being there, and at the
same time one of the Newman kids bitched there wasn't any BudLite on
tap or in cans. The I'm just a slut in heat Phyllis Summers sucking
up to the bar ordering a "hot bad mama" as goofy Nick Newman had to
be told it's a synonym for tequila and white chocolate liqueur and
wonder of wonders, Nick didn't ask what liqueur is.
The pathetic ridiculing of druggies and boozers struggling with
their addictions by Phyllis who said, "My name is Phyllis and I'm
chocoholic," and Nick's piling on to say that admitting ones
addiction is the first step, was the frosting on Phyllis' obvious
added attack at fat people whom she inferred were sitting at home
gorging on ice cream as they watched re-runs of Sex in the City
because they can't afford HBO. The porky pigs like Sierra Hoffman -
who wasn't invited to the wedding - can only dream of sex and
receiving invites to an "elegant party" where, like Phyllis, they
can suck up to men not much older than their own sons.
And too there was the repulsive Jack Abbott. Unable to keep a
marriage together, Jack was chug-a-lugging champagne and toasting
marriage he said is still "in fashion" as if, like those
off-the-shoulder black numbers Nikki buys in bulk, never goes out of
style despite the appalling Genoa City divorce rate. Not that Jack
would know fashion if it bit him on the ass, his sub-role as one of
Paul's spooks wasn't playing well given that one of the evil
terrorists expected at the wedding could have been planting a bomb
as he spoke and he'd never know.
Phyllis, so smitten with Jack's sudden interest in the CIA, took him
seriously. "That sounds dangerous," she quipped, because not a day
goes by that some dangerous person isn't inflicting terror on these
rodents. Jack, so out of his realm, so apparently having picked up
the wrong script, could only justify his interest in wedding
security and private detecting as should anything happen to Lauren
she'd be off his list of potential women to have sex with at some
time in the future.
J.T. Hellstrom, the hunkmonkey and junior PI who had just been told
by his boss the wedding had come off without a hitch, wasn't
satisfied. "Something doesn't feel right," he had to say, suddenly
remembering that the evil ones he'd followed out of town and back
must be in cahoots. Otherwise, why would Jennifer Mitchell say she's
afraid of Tom Fisher?
"We'd all like to know," Clueless said, demonstrating for J.T's
benefit why, after all these years, he's still the most clueless,
Kool-Aid-drinking private detective anywhere.
Speaking of puke and dried sperm, the disgusting Ashley Carlton
announced she'd ordered the baby-sitter to come fetch her crabby
daughter, Abby. As far as anyone knows, the sitter wasn't given so
much as a piece of wedding cake for her trouble above and beyond the
call of duty.
The only honest one in the pack of guests was Jill Abbott. When she
said she's a "sucker" for weddings and that she's had "several" of
her own, she wasn't kidding. Jill's been around the block and then
some. When Gloria heard the word sucker she immediately stuck a foot
in her big mouth.
"Mr. Right could come along. He did for me," she hacked at Jill,
apparently unaware that Jill and her husband were once married and
had a child together. The wedding billed by the Abbott's as a
"family event", Billy Abbott was nowhere to be seen.
Totally unaware as to what women do on their honeymoons because he's
never been with a woman, blooming author Scotty Grainger was stunned
to learn that his collaborator on the yet to be published book, a
woman he knows only as 'Brenda', could in fact be the evil Jennifer.
Traveling all the way from Los Angeles, fashion designer Eric
Forester confirmed the bride's gown was of his design at a cost of
$6,000. While it was obvious he's never really known the Newman's
that well, Eric was heard telling Victoria he hadn't seen her since
she was a "little" girl and seemed surprised to learn she'd recently
returned from Italy to take over running her father's empire with
the help of her brother.
"Ridge and Thorne could take a lesson from these two," Eric stated,
without finishing the statement with, "on how not to run a
business." Recently appointed president of Forrester Creations by
Eric's ex-wife Stephanie, Thorne Forrester and his older brother
Ridge, frequently squabble over which is more qualified to run the
empire.
Ridge carries the Forrester surname although his biological father
is Massimo Marone, who slept with Stephanie just before she married
Eric. Unlike Yawn who doesn't have a clue that Ashley isn't his
daughter, Eric knows Ridge isn't his son, but nevertheless considers
him the favorite.
The elbow rubbing and toe sucking was interrupted when the groom's
deranged brother, Kevin Fisher introduced Mr. and Mrs. Michael
Baldwin to the audience. As Kevin wished the newlyweds much peace
and prosperity a smoke alarm went off along with the lights. Fear,
so ingrained in these warmongering times, caused some guests to
scream and have terrible thoughts of Osama riding into the ColonRoom
on a camel. Old geezer Yawn could be seen fondling the gun in his
pants when the lights came back and a fireman already on scene
reported a circuit breaker had exploded. To belay more fear,
Clueless informed guests of a minor electrical problem and urged
they go back to shop, um, partying.
From there it was all downhill. The party fizzled out, Lauren threw
the bouquet, Victoria caught it, everyone had a good laugh and then
cried because this wedding, the longest in Genoa City history, did
not end in tragedy unless, of course, one considers all GC weddings
tragic.
When the Vows Break
December 9, 2005
by Brent Kellogg
Does it not feel more manic and insane this year? This wedding? The
one between Michael Baldwin and Lauren Fenmore? Wasn't the sense of
pressure and fear at the ColonRoom Restaurant more like something
you'd find at an airport? Granted, fear is the new black, the thing
that keeps people afraid, but good lord - shouldn't those at a
wedding been just a little more joyful? Couldn't they have been more
relaxed knowing palace guard Paul 'Clueless' Williams had the place
surrounded? Wasn't there less fear at the Ryan McNeil/Victoria
Newman wedding when most everyone knew there was a good chance
Tricia
Dennison would crash it and kill Ryan? Didn't Victor Newman do a
better job in his role as the man most likely to save the day?
Or was it all relative and more utterly mind-blowing because it's
been known for something like a year that the evil Tom Fisher was
determined to disrupt the wedding? Hadn't Tom repeatedly warned the
groom? Hadn't the bride been told something wasn't quite right?
Didn't Tom tell Michael Baldwin just an hour before the wedding he
might want to call it off? Didn't he tell Ashley Carlton too to
"blow it off" and go with him instead to a sleazy motel where they
could drink beer and play poker in their underwear? Didn't Ashley
entertain the thought for a brief moment because she thought blow it
off meant something else and she'd love nothing more?
Why, yes. Tom did all these things. As the wedding was about to
start he found Ashley at the Jabot Lab and told her in no uncertain
terms he knows what she's been up to. He knows she conspired with
Michael to set him up on drug charges and all but said "Don't go to
the wedding because someone may die" only Ashley didn't get it. She
didn't understand when Tom spat that compared to her, he's a
choirboy. Ashley, sperm thief and baby-killer that she is, thought
Tom was just upset.
Tom, such a sad excuse for a man, was upset because his dream girl
doesn't really like him. He heard the words coming right out of
Ashley's foul mouth the day he delivered flowers to the Abbott
Hotel. On that day Tom's world came crashing down around him. His
hopes, his plans, shattered. Try as he might to change, to prove
he's really a good man, Ashley rejected him.
And Ashley, idiot that she is, couldn't understand. Why didn't Tom
say anything? Why didn't he make his presence known that day since,
for all their fear, the Abbotts leave the doors wide open? Alas, Tom
said he figured it was his turn to mess with Ashley's head. Her lies
<sob> hurt him so. Ah hell, to pursue her beyond that point would
have been an exercise in futility. Yet, as much as he'd like to
carve the words SPERM THIEF into her head, Tom left Ashley with a
warning. Think twice the next time she strings some guy along. Not
all men are as nice as Tom Fisher.
Tom's visit did not give Ashley pause for concern or make her think,
damn, I've really got to do something about the security around
here. She gathered up her crabby child and headed for the ColonRoom
where at that moment Lauren was demanding to know what Jennifer
Mitchell was doing there. Prior to that Jennifer had been slinking
around the place despite the apparent fact that Paul and his
hunkmonkey had swept the place for danger.
"There are security people all over this place," Lauren swore.
Jennifer did not burst out laughing. She did not say, "Security? Oh,
you mean Paul Williams and that thing, what's his name, J.T.?" She
did say she had first hand knowledge that Tom was up to no good;
that he's "crazy" and she had heard him talking about "getting even"
with Michael and that Lauren will "pay" too. In the event Lauren
didn't get it, Jennifer spelled it out: Lauren and Michael are in
danger.
Lauren flicked off the fear. Her only concern was that Jennifer
hadn't used the phone to deliver such alarming news.
"I find phones so impersonal," Jennifer explained, as Lauren told
her to leave and then told Paul of her encounter only on the
condition that he not tell Michael. Paul didn't tell. He didn't do
anything until J.T. happened by to say he thought he saw Jennifer.
It was only then Paul ordered another security sweep.
It was funny in a sick sort of way because had any of the guests
looked they wouldn't have seen a single security guard other than
the obvious morons, Paul and J.T. Had he been asked, Paul would have
no doubt said he planned it that way. The guards were disguised as
guests - or something - like sky marshals on an airplane.
Which is not to say there was more than fifteen guests.
Mother of the groom Gloria Fisher Abbott was there paying to have a
news photographer from the local fish wrapper take her picture with
all the big wigs.
Seemingly unaware of any danger, Victor and Nikki Newman were
anxious about what, if any, scene their daughter might make.
Nick Newman, sans his wife, was seen mingling and unless his son was
in the bathroom, Noah Newman appeared to be absent which made sense
as what kid likes weddings? When his sister arrived alone, Nick
badgered Victoria Newman for shipping Brad Carlton off to St. Louis
when it's Nick who's been grumbling for days it wouldn't look good
for Victoria to be seen with a low-level employee. Victoria threw it
back in Nick's face when she reminded him what a backstabber he is.
Worried that he might have to crack some heads, old man John 'Yawn'
Abbott refrained from drinking alcohol so as not to slow his beady
eyes from darting back and forth as they were.
When Ashley showed up, crabby Abby threw a fit about Daddy #1 not
being there and blamed it on Victoria. Then the little snot settled
for a chat with Daddy #2 as Nikki cautioned Ashley to be wary of
what Abby hears about Victoria and Brad as it could "affect" Abby
"for the rest of her life".
Scotty Grainger, without a girl, was observed throwing a small bitch
fit when he blasted his newly found grandmother JoAnna Manning for
not following behind Lauren with a pooper scooper.
Jack Abbott, despite that he'd been going out on raids with Paul,
found it necessary to tell Phyllis Summers what little he knows of
Jennifer. "It's only fair you know what's going on" Jack actually
said, adding, "We're not sure what they're up to." For her part,
Phyllis' demeanor seemed to say, "Tom who? Jennifer who? Why are you
telling me this?"
Jill Abbott, sans her mother, took some grief from Jack who promised
that since Jill's been gone (?) he's been the perfect "boy scout".
Arriving without an escort, Christine 'Bug' Blair squealed she never
thought she'd see the day when she'd be attending Michael's wedding
given how both she and Paul once hated him and Kevin Fisher so. But
then, those days of hate are what the Bug now considers "the good
old days".
Looking very hot to trot, Mac Browning arrived alone and was
instantly given a load of spit by J.T.
Eric Forrester, also woman-less, almost peed his pants when Victor
introduced Nick as Newman Enterprises CEO. The perfect gentlemen,
Eric did not say, "Jesus! Is NE still in business with that fool
running it? Whenever I'm in Seattle the boys still laugh about when
Nick came looking for a job."
Funny as all git out, as the ceremony was about to start, as Paul
and J.T had supposedly conducted another security sweep and warned
all the security in place to be alert for Tom and Jennifer, damn but
what Jennifer wasn't still there. Nevertheless, Paul permitted the
wedding to proceed.
The guests choked back gasps as Lauren made her grand entrance
wearing a white gown and white orchards in her hair. It couldn't be
confirmed, but there was some talk that Jack and Phyllis had thought
for a moment about later stealing the orchids so they could be
checked for certain "magic" potions which could be used to make new
skin creams and hair shampoo.
Finally, presumably with God's blessing, the marriage vows were
spoken, the knot was tied, the clock started ticking and bets were
placed on who will be first to break a vow.
Get Me to the Church in Style
December 8, 2005
by Brent Kellogg
It is a time of great national need. It is a time when the country
is demanding you step up and do your part to help prevent terror and
prevent independent thought and prevent boys from becoming priests
and also please buy lots and lots of crap because, well, we've got
two false wars and a tanking economy to pay for.
For these reasons and more, it is also, apparently, a perfect time
to express both "I love you" and "I hate those swarthy terrorists"
by renting a $1,000 per hour limousine to take your brooding wife,
your faux daughter and her kid to the "family event" known as the
Baldwin/Fenmore wedding.
This is the message du jour. This is the latest way to show the
middle and lower classes that all that crap about not having money
and worried so that your wife wasted big bucks on bailing her ex out
of jail was just that, crap.
But in a sweet holiday sort of way, it's kinda cool. It must make
Yawn feel like he's completely detached from the real world, which
of course, what with all his acting like a rowdy beer-drinking type
commonly found at the Olive Pit Bar, he is.
These are the images: Perky geezer Yawn stops by the Jabot Lab to
offer his "beauty", the delightful, always grumpy, Ashley Carlton a
ride home. She takes a pass because there are too many beakers of
toxic gunk yet to sniff. But once she's done, Ashley says she'll
pick up her kid, jump in the shiny limo and be driven in style to
the wedding. Boy, won't the people be impressed. The paparazzi will
swarm, the headlines will scream how Ashley Abbott Carlton, known
sperm thief and baby killer, was seen exiting a stretch limo at
this year's wedding to end all weddings with her rapidly aged
daughter. The news reporters might also note that other than Abby
Carlton, Ashley was alone; the biological father of her child
already inside the ColonRoom with his wife, Mrs. Victor Newman.
Alas, Yawn is upset. Not because Ashley was presumptuous enough to
think the gas-guzzling limo was to be used as her personal carriage,
but because he didn't want his two girls going to the ball, um,
wedding alone. Despite her insistence that she'd be safer than a
condom on J.T. Hellstrom's penis, Yawn said for the umpteenth time
she'll never be safe so long as the father of the groom, that
dangerous man, Tom Fisher is walking the streets.
As she's done so many times, Ashley ignored Yawn's worry like
Sharon Newman ignores her children. She told Yawn that Tom's
obsession with her isn't a threat but that she'd promise not to walk
in any dark alleys or parks until Tom's behind bars. Yawn wasn't
convinced. He was so taken aback by Ashley's cavalier attitude, he
suggested she forget about the wedding altogether.
Ashley refused. If the wedding is good enough for the old-timer's
wife, it's good enough for her. Besides, isn't Gloria Abbott at more
risk of running into Tom's wrath? Why can't the old buzzard just
chill?
"I can't shake the feeling that something terrible might happen,"
Yawn belched, and in so doing joined the throngs who had been
echoing similar sentiments. It was then Ashley reminded Yawn there's
nothing to fear. Her sometimes boyfriend, and the City's ace private
detective, Paul 'Clueless' Williams and his trusty sidekick, J.T.
Hellstrom will be at the wedding and they won't let anything bad
happen.
Smarter than the average bear, Yawn wasn't easily snookered. Given
Williams' failure rate, Yawn said he'd be keeping an eye out just to
be sure. Nothing, and he meant nothing, was going to happen to his
girls.
God, you could almost hearing the cooing sounds. The smiles smiling
as the pleasingly stunned Yawn gave Ashley one of those aww-what-the-hell
looks and Ashley battling her baby blues muttered something like,
oh, Daddy, you are such the worry wart. Kiss kiss.
This is the utterly delighted Abbott family, all grinning and happy
and well bred and emotionally challenged, on its way to a wedding. A
"family event" just because the man he once couldn't stand being in
the same room with is his wife's son and groom and the other son,
the truly crazy one, the best man who tried killing his
granddaughter, now comprise just the perfect little family.
Look, everyone in the neighborhood! See? We're a family. We're going
to a wedding. In a limousine. Gosh life is good - for us. Too bad
for you, suckers. Stay home and watch a movie on TV why don't you?
See if you can find a decent one on Comcast. Now, about
that feeling. You think something bad could happen? Nah, not to us.
We're the Abbotts. A modern age family from the City of Genoa. We're
a page right out of history. We're gonna have a yabba, dabba, doo
time in the old town tonight.
I
understand it's only fitting that the bride and groom should ride in
a limo, but Ashley and that crabby Abby?
Yawn and that thing he's married to after he bitched so much about
wasted money? This is not 1990. This is not a time when the common
folk drool over the life styles of the rich and famous. If anything right
now the rich are frowned upon and seen as greedy Enron-like
bastards.
All I'm
saying is this: in these times when all but the rich are struggling
to make ends meet, why couldn't the Abbott's drive the damn Buick?
Would that be asking too much?
Jealousy and Hate
December 8, 2005
by Brent Kellogg
It's just one of those wicked things that happen so often in Genoa
City. You know the type that make you cringe and roll your eyes at
the state of it all, as you read the one about how Nikki Newman told
Brad Carlton he better be worth her daughter's time and trouble.
I know, it's not a simple problem. I know incest and nepotism are
terribly complicated issues and that Victoria Newman suffers from
too much I'm-a-victim thinking coupled with lack of self-control
coupled with lack of exercise coupled with lack of a decent
education coupled with lousy upbringing coupled with sinister toxic
cosmetic corporate marketing coupled with an increasingly urge to
have sex with a dog so as to prevent her from reverting back to the
piece of cold ice she was when Ryan McNeil wanted to jump her bones.
But it is messy, and difficult to peel back all the sociocultural
layers and the psychology behind Victoria's need to have the same
men her mother and her relatives have had. It's beyond understanding
Brad's need to not want one Newman girl, but two - at the same time
- and both young enough to be his daughters. Let's be clear. Brad
may shave his chest hair and wear bright pink shirts and keep the
hair on his thick head cut short, but this guy ain't no spring
chicken.
Just because Brad almost married Victoria's mother before Nikki came
to her senses and left him at the alter doesn't mean he'll be looked
up to by the townsfolk as he seems to think he will be when he
arrives at the Baldwin/Fenmore wedding with Victoria on his arm. Say
what you will about the typical causes of the loss of self-respect,
but there is one question that keeps popping up: why do Brad and
Victoria keep saying they're going to turn some heads? Why does Brad
think they're going to be "the happiest couple there" and that
people need to get used to seeing them as a couple? Why does
Victoria's brother say that she and Brad will "make a hell of a
splash" and Brad say every man at the wedding is going to be jealous
of him?
And who might those men be? Michael Baldwin? Jack Abbott? Well,
yeah, Jack would be jealous had he still had the hots for his former
wife's daughter. Who else? Scotty Grainger? An alleged college
student who's never had sex? A blooming author who thinks women read
books on their honeymoon? Kevin Fisher who's only had sex with a
minor child? Nick Newman who sees Brad as a "lower level employee"
only slightly higher on the totem pole as the slave his parents
employ? Is Brad really the super-stud other men want to emulate?
Is Victoria the super-bitch other women will see has having snagged
the hunky Brad and go home at night for a session with the Magic
Hitachi as they fantasize about Victoria and Brad getting it on and
wish so hard the Hitachi was Brad's tiny penis pushing deep into
their love tunnels?
It is the basic formula: rich women in Genoa City so hard up they
must screw the family throwaways. Rich men so desperate to look
manly they'll screw family members past and present their current,
lawful marriages and confused children be damned.
Sexual deviants like Brad and Victoria gorge themselves to fill a
void, to cover up the pain neglect they must avoid social
responsibility because responsibility is, well, unheard of in this
Wisconsin burg. Just look. They are living in a culture that wallows
in hate and lies and toxic ideologies. The moment Victoria so much
as suspects her personal life is interfering with her business life
she'll dump Brad like a bad habit which, when you think about it, is
all Brad is to her. Brad is just an excuse Victoria can use to ward
off the whispers that she might be a lesbian and can't stay married
to any one man for more than a year. What truly heterosexual woman
kicks the stable boy to the curb? What sexually ripe young woman
runs to Italy to live the life of an old maid? What are the odds
Victoria will soon be blaming her parents again for her failed
relationship woes?
Why do the women in this town change partners more often than old
man John Abbott changes Depends? Why are they so stuck, so mired and
sexually small and being led by a cadre of sexually barren males and
the men being led by vaginally denuded women who have about as much
sex appeal as a Ford truck? Why are these sad trolls pretending to
know what love is and convinced others will be jealous of them? Are
Brad and Victoria the great sexual revolution we've been hearing
about? Do we really want to be like them? Do we need to see Brad
putting the pork to Victoria's sister-in-law? Now that Brad's bubble
has burst, now that he's been sent to St. Louis to coddle Sharon
Newman all those men at the wedding won't be getting jealous.
But more than that, the entire town, indeed, all of those whose
wasted, wanton lives center around the goings on of the heathen,
God-forsaken elite of Genoa City will be denied. They will be denied
the opportunity to proclaim themselves witnesses of the "happiest
couple in town," to feel the utter, burning, all-consuming jealousy
of watching Victoria on the arm of Brad, denied the opportunity to
become familiar with the two as a couple as they are the warts on
their own asses, and there will, God help us, be no carcinogenous
'splash' of the fornicating, mother-boyfriend loving Victoria and
her new, pedophile boy-toy at the Baldwin/Fenmore nuptials.
Whoever said a wedding was supposed to be a happy occasion?
What Every Bride Needs on the Moon
December 7, 2005
by Brent Kellogg
Oh Lord, you had to be there. You had to laugh as Paul 'Clueless'
Williams, Jack Abbott and J.T. Hellstrom illegally entered the motel
room of one Sheila Carter thinking they were going to get some dirt
on Jennifer Mitchell who is, of course, really Sheila when she's not
'Brenda'. And how did Clueless get in? Why, of course. He picked the
lock. And what did he find? Wigs, false teeth, one of those all the
rage day-planners and a computer.
Unfortunately, there was no time to summon Phyllis Summers so she
might jimmy the passwords. Clueless, a one-man private eye with
covert spooks at his beck and call had no other option. While he and
Jack surmised that Jennifer is the woman working with Scotty
Grainger on what is sure to be a best selling book, J.T. followed Sheila
and Tom Fisher out of town. After showing Tom where he's to hold
Lauren Fenmore hostage, the two wannabe gangsters returned to the
city and immediately J.T. reported to Clueless that the marks had
merely turned around and come back.
"Good work!" Clueless beamed, and as he and Jack were thumbing
through Sheila's day-planner damn but what she didn't walk in to
demand what they were doing in her room.
"We were meeting someone. I guess we got the wrong room," Clueless
said, as he and Jack went on their way.
Sheila or Jennifer or whatever her name is did not call the manager
or the police or ask how two boobs had gotten into her room. It was
written off as just one of those things that happen in the life of a
crazy woman. When plotting to kill one must always expect the
unexpected. Still, Sheila was worried those men might have seen
what's written in her planner. Tuesday: kidnap Lauren. Wednesday:
tell Tom Fisher where to take her. Thursday: have false teeth
cleaned. Friday: if two strange men were found in motel room on
Wednesday, add them to list of those who must be dealt with even if
you don't know who they are.
Meanwhile, his job done, J.T. dropped by the Jitter Joint to tell
Mac Browning what a super-sleuth he's becoming. Yup, working on
another case for Ace Williams took him all the way to the outskirts
of town and back. He didn't actually solve anything, but it's the
thrill of the hunt that turns him on. That, and young girls and
bare-chested boys. Know what, Mac? This case must be hot. It's got
something to do with Tom Fisher and a woman. I don't know much more
than that, but I've got this feeling something bad is gonna happen.
Paul's working an angle, so I'm hoping, like in the Cassie Newman
case when he found the heel of a shoe the CSI team missed, Paul will
find something soon.
Know what too, Mac? All this work and no play makes me a dull boy.
Gosh, here we are having to slop coffee on customers on the day of
the big wedding while everyone who is anyone will be dancing the
night away. Ain't that a bitch? What? You're going to the wedding
after all? Daniel Romalotti is working for you? Ain't that a kick in
the ass. How'd you pull that off? The Fish? As in Kevin Fisher? The
freak I so once hated but wish now I could get into bed and maybe
that Scotty guy living with Kevin too?
Yeah, Mac's a lucky girl. She owes it to Lauren to attend the
wedding because Lauren once gave her a specially designed gown to
wear to the prom. Of course, Mac was a different person then. She
was a runaway who tarred and feathered and ran her own mother out of
town on a rail. J.T. likes the new Mac. He so hopes that while he's
pulling guard duty at the wedding reception Paul will change his
mind and let him dance with Mac.
Meanwhile, it should be noted that Tom is happy to know that soon
he'll be splitting two million dollars with Sheila and that's
assuming Baldwin has the money, which he does what with all that
lottery money collecting dust. Man oh man, Tom couldn't ask for a
better partner than Sheila. She's thought of everything right down
to the throwaway cell phone which cannot be traced because Sheila
hasn't watched The Wire or know that such phones can be traced. So
for now, until the deed is done, Tom and Sheila are splitting up.
Soon they'll be living in South America.
Unlike Lauren, it's doubtful that Tom and Sheila will be reading
Scotty Grainger's novel. Not that it's been published, Scotty
proudly presented his mother today with the first ten chapters. A
sort of wedding gift, Scotty suggested it's what every bride will
want to read on the moon - the honeymoon that is.
Thank
Heaven for Little Girls and Monster Weddings
December 6, 2005
by Brent Kellogg
It was my hope I wouldn't have to cover the Baldwin/Fenmore wedding
any more than I have already, but what happened Tuesday, at what
appears will go down in the bowels of history as the longest wedding ever,
couldn't be ignored.
Without getting into why Tom Fisher has suddenly figured out that
Sheila Carter is serious about kidnapping the bride, suffice it to
say that Tom will help Sheila "punish" Lauren because Lauren ruined
"the most precious thing in the world" to Sheila - family. With
God's blessing, Sheila is going to make Lauren "pay" and Tom is more
determined than ever to help Sheila get her son back. That said, Tom
is no longer worried that Sheila may leaving him holding the bag.
She does, after all, hold the key to his freedom. Should Sheila
revoke his bail it would be curtains. Better to conspire to
kidnapping - or worse - than defend himself against a trumped up
drug charge. Besides, Sheila has promised he won't go to jail.
Meantime, she's only been in Genoa City a few hours and already
JoAnna Manning can see what a screwed up place it, and its elite
residents, are. Why on earth would her daughter hire Gina Roma to
cater the wedding? Not because the wedding is being held at the ColonRoom Restaurant, but because there's a history of hate between
Gina and Lauren.
"Having Gina there is like rubbing salt in the wounds," JoAnna
correctly stated, as Lauren flicked off her mother's concern. It's
her wedding. If she wants her enemies in attendance so be it. JoAnna
also had the good sense to be wary of what Lauren's hairdresser
might put in her hair.
"Don't use something cheap on my hair," JoAnna snarled, as if she'd
heard about the toxic cosmetics sold by Jabot and Newman
Enterprises, and then, like icing on the cake of integrity, noted
Lauren's track record with men isn't the greatest.
As I reported in a previous article, that it won't be long until
Michael Baldwin is back to sucking around Christine 'Bug' Blair,
damn but what he wasn't at the Jitter Joint telling the critter he
considers the last remaining hours before the wedding to be his last
as a "free man" and that marrying Lauren, "seemed like the right
thing to do."
Seemed like? Is this like saying, well, I took an overdose of
medication because the pain was unbearable and seemed like the right
thing to do?
Moreover, Michael gave credit to the Bug for making the joyous
occasion happen. If the Bug hadn't broken his heart, gosh, he would
never have met the Bug's former husband's wife. Thanks to the Bug,
Michael has learned to be "open and truthful". This, of course,
explains why he's broken just about every law in the book since
then.
As for the Bug, she's grateful too. If it hadn't been for Michael
she might still think the world is black and white. As is, it's full
of grays. No, really. The Bug said this. She said Michael taught her
people "can grow and change."
Michael agreed. They've gone from bitter enemies to best buds. As a
matter of fact, while his brother is going to be best man at the
wedding, Michael considers the Bug to be his "best woman" - or bug -
as the case may be. But most importantly, the one thing that jumped
out and said for sure the Baldwin/Fenmore marriage won't last, is
when Michael said, "I'm always going to love you" and like two songs
birds, the Bug said, "Me too."
Speaking of the great event and things that make you laugh, it was
announced today that J.T. Hellstrom will be on guard at the wedding!
Fearing Tom might crash it, Paul Williams decreed that J.T. will be
on "duty" all night and won't be allowed to drink or dance. Not that
it mattered to J.T. Hunkmonkey that he is, J.T. said fancy
restaurants like the ColonRoom aren't his thing. Underage girls and
bare-chested boys are.
Further complicating matters, Jack Abbott told Paul he wants in on
the action. He wants to be with Paul "every step of the way" until
Tom is captured as if Tom had already kidnapped Lauren because,
frankly, what crime has Tom committed? How hard is it to place J.T.
at the front door of the restaurant, give him a photo of Tom and
tell him, "If you see this guy, don't let him in? Think you can
handle that?"
But it gets better. If there's one thing a clueless PI like Paul is
want to do, it's to drag a jackass along with him as he checks out
Jennifer Mitchell's motel room. And we're not talking about the
hunkmonkey.
Now, as it so happens, the wedding is of such massive scale certain
people won't be able to attend. One of those who'll miss out is
Jitter Joint co-owner Mac Browning. Mac's taken the letdown with a
grain of salt. God knows how many times her partner has covered her
ass. It makes sense therefore that Mac will cover Kevin Fisher's
shift at the JJ the day of the wedding.
But wait!
Daniel Romalotti's got a better idea. So long as there's a manager
with him, Daniel can work for Mac! Problem solved. Oh, wait again.
The Bug is still there so this is a good time for Daniel to tell her
that he told some kids about his drinking and driving and they all
promised never to drink and drive. I swear it's true. Daniel
actually said this and the Bug praised him before going off to shed
her skin for the wedding.
As is this weren't bad enough, as if what you've read so far hasn't
made you barf and hurl and laugh your ass off, Michael went over to
tell his future step-son he doesn't know anything about being a
father, but he'll do his best to make Scotty Grainger proud of him.
If Scotty didn't believe it, Michael seemed willing to kiss Scotty's
ass. Not only that, they both are so "lucky" to have a woman like
Lauren in their miserable lives. There was one caveat, however.
Scotty must be prepared to deal with the "crazy stuff" his family
gets into. That said, Michael welcomed Scotty to the clan.
No, no. That's not all. Are you kidding? Crabby AIDS-collecting Abby
Carlton was living up to her nickname today. If her father is going
to the wedding with that woman, she ain't going. Her mother can
squawk all about the importance of going to a "family event" she
wants. Abby ain't going and her helpless parents can't make her.
There is one exception, however. If Lauren bribes the child by
making her a flower girl, Abby will go. Forget principle, ego and
prestige are more important even for little girls.
December 5, 2005
So there's the widow Lauren Fenmore getting ready for another
wedding. It seems like only yesterday she was prepared to become the
happily divorced divorcée when Dr. Scott Grainger up and died saving
her the hassle. Lauren's past sexual escapes with Brad Carlton and
Paul Williams notwithstanding, she left town for a few years only to
return to pick up where she left off. There was that infamous romp
with the clueless PI in her Horror Shop window, the lust she had for
teenager Raul Guittierez and then she fell, she says, in love with
Paul's worst enemy, Michael Baldwin.
But what does Lauren know of Michael? Not much. This is nothing new.
People in Genoa City often fall in love with, and get married to,
near total strangers. Lauren seems to be having a blast and wildly
happy and reborn and within hours she'll be free at last, free at
last. She'll be one of those for whom marriage itself will solve all
the nagging problems including the hit and miss sex.
It's a good bet that after a mere year Lauren will be looking for a
divorce lawyer. A lawyer himself, Michael will probably remember he
hasn't handled a case in months, and with the marriage locked in,
he'll spend 12 hours a day seven days a week at the office. This
will make Lauren realize she was never that attracted to Michael
physically and can't have his child because, frankly, she's too old
and already has a boy said to be in college albeit for the fact that
Scotty Grainger has not been attending class. Content to become the
perfect step-daddy to Scotty, it hasn't occurred to Michael that he
should give Lauren a baby. For awhile he'll talk about how marriage
and parenthood are both great and fine, but he'll wake up one day.
He'll miss the flirting and casual sex with Phyllis Summers in his
office and dreaming about Christine 'Bug' Blair and maybe Paul's
most recent ex, Izzy Brana.
It's not certain when that day comes whether, like Brad and Ashley
Carlton, the Baldwin's will agree to have sex with others without
making their divorce legal. Should they be so unfortunate to have
had a baby, Michael may want to keep the child away from Lauren if
he suspects she's been so much as thinking about Paul. But, when he
falls for his brother's wife, Mac Fisher, Michael will insist Lauren
retain the baby except for those times when he wants to test Mac's
ability to bond with a child that technically, is her niece.
To further complicate matters, Gloria Abbott will suggest she take
the baby off her son's hands should Michael and Lauren decide that
fighting over a child is cramping their lifestyles. Happy too, that
Michael is dating her other son's wife, Gloria will frequently
praise Michael's adulterous behavior.
This is not to say that marriages in Genoa City don't last. There
are success stories, blissed-out picture-perfect examples of how to
do it just right, wherein the marriage illuminates life and never
dies like the last Neil Winters and Victor Newman marriages not to
mention the successful-looking front Nick and Sharon Newman have
been putting on. These are a mere handful of examples and hence up
stirs the ongoing marriage debate among those of us still wandering
around in unwedland, occasionally glancing over the fence with a mix
of curiosity and pity and envy and detachment at those just heading
into (or coming out of) domestic bliss and bondage or, as Michael
joked, slavery, only to discover the ultimate truth about love and
14-carat fairy tales and engraved wedding invitations the paper
quality of which the bride spent three days obsessing over and which
most everyone threw in the garbage.
Because here's the point, same as it ever was but some of us need to
be reminded: Marriage in Genoa City is just an excuse for fancy
parties. If the elite residents here weren't getting married and
divorced in rapid succession as they do, florists and travel agents
and mattress companies, fancy restaurants and jewelry stores would
go out of business. Kids belonging to one side or the other wouldn't
have to throw tantrums when daddy says he's going to a wedding with
another woman who just happens to be their half-sibling. Kids
wouldn't get confused or beg mommy as to when they'll be a family
again or wonder why uncle Malfunction became step-daddy Malfunction
or why they had to collect money for AIDS.
It's not like marriage in this city turns those engaging in it into
walking talking mortgage-paying dry-as-paint SUV-driving clichés who
think a day without a new crack in the driveway is a good day. A
review of recent marriages is a good example. Bobby and Brittany
Marsino never owed a home of their own. On his dying day Bobby was
living apart from his wife in a FBI safe house and Brittany was
squatting at the Chancellor mausoleum. For all his so-called love
for Katherine Sterling, Arthur Hendricks flew the coop when he felt
marrying the old woman would make him the ultimate salve. For all
the times the very rich Victoria Newman has been married, she and
her husbands have lived in cheap apartments or tacky horse barns.
To this day Nick and Sharon Newman live right next door to Nick's
mommy and daddy in what can only be described as an outhouse for
which, rich as they are, pay no rent. As many times as Jack Abbott
has wed, he's always lived under her father's roof and during the
last marriage not only brought his wife into the home, but allowed
the mother of his child to live there too. Same thing for Christine
'Bug' Blair. She's always lived with her husbands in an apartment as
did Phyllis Summers during her marriage to Danny Romalotti who just
so happened to have been married to the Bug too who went on to marry
Paul who screwed Lauren who screwed Brad who now screws Victoria.
Able to afford his part of the $2,000 per month rental known as the
Sugar Shack, J.T. Hellstrom was at last report living in a tent.
Earning big bucks as an invaluable webmaster, Phyllis Summers lives
in a small apartment with her teenage son. Co-owner of the city's
most popular coffee shop, Mac Browning squats for free on her
grandmother's estate. Said to be Genoa City ace private eye and
owner of a massive alarm company, the best office Paul Williams
has amounts to a broom closet at the law offices of Baldwin & Blair. As
a quack, Dr. Olivia Winters was last living in a cave she shared
with her former husband and son all three of whom left the city
under mysterious circumstance.
Looking at Lauren's impending marriage it's hard to get excited.
It's difficult to feel good for her or Michael because we know
weddings are all about the force-fed tradition and Martha Stewart
blandness. It's about renting a tux or buying an overpriced gown and
a huge white cake and a bunch of formalized rituals involving
flowers and cold jumbo shrimp, a no-host bar and everyone sitting in
certain places at the wedding reception table. It's so prevalent you
can feel it scrawling on your skin.
Nevertheless, as we wait for the nuptials, let us not forget. As
Michael and Lauren vow before God to honor and love each other until
death due them part they are merely quoting some vague Scripture. As
a wary Mary Williams roll her eyes somewhere and thumps her Bible,
it's only a matter of time before the Baldwins revert to the immoral
disgusting sodomites they always were. To believe that Lauren and
Michael will be the ultimate symbol of
love and devotion between a man and a woman and therefore justifies
the myth that the
only acceptable definition of marriage is between a
penis and a vagina, is to believe the war on terror can be won.
Screw the recycled man/woman marriages in Genoa City. What this town
needs, what would spin it out of control, is a good homosexual
paring. Genoa City is, after all, the nation's business hub, the
trend setter. The place other countries look to for toxic cosmetics.
Imagine what might happen should Lauren's son step up to say he and
Kevin Fisher want to get married too. Will Michael and Lauren be so
happy then? Will they sputter and hiss and say marriage is only for
uptight zealots?
Think of the possibilities. Victor Newman, the symbol of
heterosexual marriage and breeder of angry children, could waddle
into the sunlight to quickly introduce the cliché "Wussies of Mass
Destruction" as he launches war against those who would destroy
Sodom-and-Gomorrahville.
Alas, people would talk. Hysteria and open weeping would be
widespread as the sexually confused sheep declare the world is
coming to an end.
