2005 News Archives
John 'Yawn' Abbott
See also: Ashley Carlton

Thy Rod and John Abbott Protect Me

November 22, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

I think it was somewhere around my 13th article on Tom Fisher's vileness or maybe it was the umpteenth piece on Ashley Carlton's bleak sweatiness or Paul Williams' toothy "I'm a PI" grin, like he'd just swallowed Ashley's dead fetus.

Perhaps it was the ongoing onslaught of mind-numbing details surrounding Scotty Grainger's unfinished book or Victor Newman's God-given right to hire Kevin Fisher as a computer expert and thereby uphold all that the rich white male power establishment holds near and dear when it hit me, oh my God, when did evil get so boring?

Was it the day Sheila Carter blew into town from Canada, or was it this week when Ashley said, "We should have never taken the law into out own hands"?

Now that she has, will Ashley face criminal charges? Not bloody likely! Not when Nick Newman can admit to concealing evidence and law enforcement shrugs the crime off as a waste of prosecutorial time. Not when Kevin Fisher can burn down restaurants and jump bail not once, but twice and have all charges against him dropped. Not when CEOs can embezzle money and Jack Abbott slaps them on the wrist on their way to the Bahamas. Not when attorney Michael Baldwin frets that his criminal activity may result in losing his license to practice law, but keeps on committing crimes.

Sure, we all love the drama of evil until we're red with yawning outrage, but after a while one thing becomes painfully true: We laugh way too much. We howled this week when Gloria Abbott, quivering before her one foot in the grave husband, said Tom's been blackmailing her and that's where all the Abbott money went. Long before we knew what John 'Yawn' Abbott's reaction would be, we imagined the drooling in a cup saying something like "that bastard" and threatening again to whip Tom's ass, being told not do to anything rash.

We imagine Ashley telling the old fart that confronting Tom will ruin her plot to take Tom down and, while he's worried about Ashley's safety, Yawn wants to call the police. We can hear Ashley asking Michael what if Tom Figures out they set him up and Michael replying, "What's done is done" because this is what it's come to.

On one level, people like Ashley and Michael appear enormously important and significant, their every blink and utterance worthy of report. But the fact is, they are nothing but common flatulence. And oh my God, Sheila, the white woman's white woman warning again of Tom's impending death. You be careful, Tom. People who cross me end up dead. Those who cross me and live to tell about it do not remember me so don't even think of telling Lauren Fenmore who I am. You could stick plastic devil horns on my head and Lauren still wouldn't get it.

As it turned out we weren't too far off the mark. Gloria spilled her gut and Ashley confirmed it. Tom's been blackmailing her. "You must have done something wrong for that to happen," was Yawn's response as if to say Gloria deserved to be blackmailed. The old geezer suggested they call the police, but Gloria nipped the hint of intelligence in the bud by pointing out there's no evidence. As for why Ashley keeps seeing Tom, the bitch said it's the only way she's been able to keep track of him. Not that Ashley's tracking is doing any good because at that moment, after Sheila had warned him to watch his step, Tom was entering the Abbott Hotel's always open backdoor.

Now a writer of poems, Tom stopped along the way to buy flowers for Ashley and wrote a special poem just for her. From his vantage point Tom heard both women say they did what they did because they didn't want Yawn to get hurt. His manhood threatened, Yawn said to hell with that. He's the protector. It's his job to shield women and let this be a lesson. Old as he is, his bones so brittle and the arthritis spreading throughout his bones, Yawn will always protect the girls.

For a brief moment Tom considered slitting all their throats with a kitchen knife, but must have thought they'd die on their own from the inflated egos for he changed his mind and left as quietly as he'd arrived. The absence of a noisy motorcycle in the distance gave rise to the supposition that Tom has learned to park way down the street or takes the bus whenever his journey takes him to the hotel.

Is there any wonder this supposedly titanic evil is so boring? Does it not scream "get over yourselves"? Is it not insane that these people can wail and scream and break mirrors and mumble "we shouldn't have taken the law into our own hands"? Is it not crazy that someone hasn't stepped forward to ask if this is the best they can do? Don't they know how insignificant and silly they seem, like a leaf threatening a tree?

I have, for some ungodly reason, suffered through this swill because it was there and I was momentarily shocked and awed that Lauren did not recognize Sheila and did not ask for some proof that the woman in the nut house is not a fake given Sheila's propensity for disguise. I simply cannot fathom why this sadomasochistic tripe has gone on for as long as it has. It might be different were Sheila keeping Lauren and Scotty and Michael in a medieval torture chamber and doing disgusting things to their genitalia. Now that, like when Lisa Mansfield kept Brad Carlton in a cage, would be entertainment.

The Crazies of Genoa City
September 8, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Sometimes there is just no way to know. Sometimes you are just handed a slab of raw perspective and you have to do with it what you can. It's not like old man John 'Yawn' Abbott didn't know what a "monster" Tom Fisher is. He did. Yawn came face to face with the terrible man when Tom showed up at his office this week, but seemed to nod out when Tom said that since he was nice to Yawn's faux daughter, and has become a "changed" man, Yawn should not fault him.

Yawn found his way home following the encounter where he told the former Mrs. Fisher he had learned something so horrifying he wasn't sure how to break the news. Did Gloria know Tom has been in Genoa City for the better part of a year? Had she by chance bumped into him at the Athletic Club where Tom hangs like a hungry rat?

Gloria feigned ignorance. Tom? In Genoa City? How did Yawn know this? Tom went to his office? Gave him a pile of bull about making amends with his family? If this was so why wouldn't Gloria know? Why wasn't she the first person Tom would have contacted? The whole thing was so complicated it made no sense to Yawn. What does Tom really want? Does Gloria, who just said she had no idea Tom is in town, know? Gloria said she knew one thing. She and her sons don't want Tom around.

Yawn perked up. How can that be when Kevin Fisher and Michael Baldwin have known all along? In Yawn's muddled mind it made sense Kevin wouldn't have said anything, but Michael, well, that was different. Michael knows Tom has been dating Ashley Carlton and didn't rush right over to maybe say, "Mr. Abbott! Your daughter is dating my step-father. Please put a stop to it!"

It was like Yawn has always welcomed Michael with open arms and encouraged him to be totally open and honest. It was like Kevin, who finally got Yawn to see him as the hero who saved him from bleeding to death, wouldn't tell the old geezer that his evil father, and former husband of Yawn's new wife, was poking around in Abbott affairs.

Gloria was shocked. Was Yawn saying Tom may well have escorted Ashley to Michael's wedding and she, Gloria, wouldn't have noticed Tom's name on the guest list? That she, busybody Gloria, never once saw Tom and Ashley together because Genoa City is just so big which explains why everyone keeps running into their enemies at the same clubs and restaurants?

Yawn, dementia preventing him from seeing the glaring holes in this story, did not question Gloria's reaction except to thank the gods Ashley had dumped Tom. Except that Gloria, for not knowing Tom is in town, did know that Tom is "trying to reel her back in" did not sink into Yawn's thick head. Even when Gloria said Tom "can be very sweet when he wants something" Yawn did not ask how she knew.

Hmmm. Wants something. Wants something. What could it be, Yawn wondered, and then it hit him.

Tom wants Ashley's money!

Oh my freaking god! Money? What money? Where did Ashley get so much money as to attract slugs like Tom Fisher? Has she been holding out on the family all this time? Wasn't the family business in financial trouble not so long ago and so strapped for cash it almost went bankrupt? Didn't Abbott family members pour their life savings into saving Jabot Cosmetics? In the short time since this family crisis Ashley still has so much money Tom is trying to get it? Well, yeah. Gloria said that must be it. Oh lord, whatever will they do? Not to worry. Yawn said he made it "crystal clear" to Tom to stay away from his family, especially the women.

Feeling like the proud protector it occurred to Yawn that Gloria had called him earlier on a matter of great importance. What was up with that? Oh, nothing important. It's just that at this late date, with all the wedding plans she's been making, Gloria was only now getting around to finding a place to have the wedding. Could it be held at the Abbott Hotel?

Oh no! Not now! Not ever! Not after what Michael did. The bastard didn't tell him who Ashley is sucking around, who's sperm the bitch might try to steal, or that Tom is a "monster", Yawn grunted. Michael can take his wedding and shove it. What's that you didn't say, Gloria? Michael is your son and we are supposed to be a loving, Christian family? Wouldn't it look bad if the wedding was held at, you know, a freaking church?

For all the how the hell could you be out there dancing and reveling and drinking badly mixed margaritas and eating gourmet food when the worst human disaster in recent Genoa City history had just hammered Yawn, Gloria was only interested in one thing: thank god Tom saved her marriage and thus in the blink of an eye turned what is supposed to be fear-based concern into an utterly gratuitous, and excessive, and more than a little ridiculous joke.

Need more proof? When Gloria told Ashley that Tom is her ex-husband Ashley took it with a grain of salt. That evil child beater who did all those terrible things to Gloria who Ashley knows has done nothing but lie her ass off? Come here you poor thing. Let me give you a hug. Still, Ashley got to thinking about that night she came home and found Michael and Tom together. It was so weird. Tom just happened by. Ashley knew something "strange" was going on and when Michael said he thought they knew each other Tom swore they didn't yet Michael didn't deny it. Why was that?

Why would Tom have shown up out of the blue that night, Ashley did not ask apparently forgetting that Tom had said he was looking for her. Alas, that bit of truth might have cancelled out what little sense any of this absurd situation was making. Oh, about Tom wanting another chance with the sperm thief? Ashley said, "I'd never let an idiot like that get the best of me" as if Tom hadn't already and like she doesn't know she's been had is typical of those who refuse to acknowledge their failures. Again Yawn perked up. "Let's talk about this" he sputtered, but as Ashley stormed off said, "Let's not talk about it" when Gloria said Michael would never have let Tom hurt Ashley.

So the question might be posed: Haven't these freaks learned anything? Nope. Gloria will continue putting her marriage at risk by lying to Yawn and keep Tom rolling in dough. Michael will continue sobbing how Tom "launched a preemptive strike", has the upper hand, and now, desperate as Michael is, has Kevin to regurgitate his fear of losing his license to practice law. Oh Christ! How many times did Baldwin worry about this when he was Victor Newman's minion? If he didn't lose his license then it's doubtful he'd lose it now.

It's funny, in a sad way, how these people worry about the wrong things. The longer they fret the better Tom, and Sheila Carter look. It's a bizarre condition of the human animal that they actively seek out extreme conditions to test their fortitude and take themselves to the limits of consciousness, to see what they're made of, to prove they can survive in the face of intense odds and brutal monsters.

They like to spank your perspective. They like to fling you straight out of yourself and make you scream and make you ask what is wrong with me; why isn't my life in any way represented by what these people do and say? So much so the only way to truly understand is to go out and find out for yourself. Steal some sperm. Have sex at the office. Commit crimes with impunity. This is why we love them so. The crazies of crazy Genoa City.

Old Man Meets Fear, Falls Asleep
September 6, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

Like you, I was sitting on pins and needles. I was waiting for old man John 'Yawn' Abbott's reaction to the revelation that Tom Fisher was once married to his wife and for all anyone knows still may be, legally. I was wondering too if Tom would tell the old fart he's trying so hard to blackmail Gloria Fisher-Abbott and he'd really really like someone to pick up his motel room tab at the city's prestigious athletic club, and that Kevin Fisher and Michael Baldwin are his son and step-son respectively.

I was waiting to see if Yawn would ask what more Tom wants and whether he'd figure out that his daughter, who really isn't his daughter, has been dating Tom, a courtship Yawn slapped his approval on despite that Ashley Carlton is still legally married to Brad Carlton.

If Tom says he wants money will Yawn gladly shell it out now that he's said how much in love with Gloria he is? Will Yawn be so humiliated he'll cower like a slapped dog for fear another deep, dark secret gets out about the gullible Abbott family? Will Yawn worry the scandal rags might call his wife a bigot, or that Leanna Love might show up outside his home with a camera crew for a 'live' report on the local public access channel? Are these a few of the reasons Yawn won't go directly to the police?

In a small way it's understandable if Yawn doesn't want the police involved. Detective Hank Weber would assign himself to the case and mostly likely see Gloria as the culprit. Based on Weber's pathetic history, most recently when he saw Phyllis Summers and Damon Porter as criminals when in fact they were victims, it wouldn't come as any surprise should Weber encourage Tom to file charges against Gloria. That's how the justice system in this city works.

From Tricia Dennison to Izzy Brana to Kevin Fisher and the Mob on down. Those charged with crimes go free if they're well connected, and those not connected go directly to jail without so much as a trial.

As for Tom hooking up with Sheila Carter to rain down more evil on the elder Abbotts and his own children, how long it will take - until someone thinks to investigate who that woman Tom has been seen with - can only be imagined. Cameron Kirsten, reported to police as missing, returned during a Mother's Day party at the local gym and nobody gave it a second thought. Kirsten was allowed to terrorize the Newman family for weeks on end; a terrorism that the best private security force could not prevent as Kirsten came and went from the Newman Ponderosa at will.

A good sign as to how Yawn would react came early in the week when the old geezer said that if Tom stays in Genoa City he's to have nothing to do with the Abbott family. Like Tom is going to do anything Yawn says. Like Tom easily slipped past security at Jabot Cosmetics on Tuesday making his way straight to the Founder's office without once being questioned. At first it was all good for Yawn. He got to meet the strange man Ashley has been seeing, but unfortunately, if Tom was looking for Ashley, Yawn let it be known she had left the building.

Tom wasn't looking for Ashley. He'd come to tell Yawn that indeed he's Gloria's former husband putting to rest any question of the legality concerning that marriage. As for why he hadn't told Ashley this vital piece of information, Tom said telling the truth would have scared Ashley off. Better that Ashley maybe get pregnant with his baby and then tell her. Not that it matters; Ashley will lay down with any dog in heat.

"What kind of monster are you?" Yawn snarled, recoiling at the thought of what Tom has done to Gloria and the pain he inflicted on Kevin. And like Kevin's victims who have let him off the hook for burning down the RoadKill Cafe and giving an STD to Lily Winters, Tom said he's a "changed" man!

"Here then, take this. It's the key to the City. Make yourself right at home. Any man who has changed is certainly welcomed around here," Yawn did not say, but you know, should have as this is how soul-sucking the conversation progressed. Did Tom want what all evildoers want and wasn't he deserving of Yawn's sugar-coated wrath? Would money get rid of him? Tom was taken aback. "I should get some credit for being nice to Ashley," he actually said.

And that, as they say, was that. Here's a man (sic) in Yawn's office telling the old geezer he's been lying through his teeth, but when he says he's changed Yawn lets it go at that. He doesn't ask, "So what the hell was the point of you coming here? What do you want? Am I just supposed to accept that you changed and invite you to move into my home? You may as well because everybody else has. C'mon, my friend. Let's go have a drink. We'll toast to new relationships. Oh, wait! It's time for my nap. Maybe another time?"

Meantime at the Abbott Hotel, Michael and Gloria were trying to clean up all the spilled milk. Damage control as usual. Lessons on ethics and morality. Always tell the truth as a last resort. And when the doorbell rang what did Gloria say? It must be Yawn ringing the bell because he forgot his keys! Jesus! Are people in this godforsaken town so dumb they don't keep the house key on same key ring as the car key?

It was Kevin at the door come to tell his part of the truth too which only confused Gloria more than she already was except that Kevin said he was confused as to why Gloria would be so upset that what he and Michael are doing is ruining her marriage. This is how it is in Genoa City. Always pass the blame for incompetence onto others. In an effort to clear the confusion Michael said this is how it is. Now that he's told Tom that they are telling Yawn the truth Tom won't have any more power over them.

Simple as it may have been, telling the truth has never solved anything especially where Gloria is concerned. She thrives on secrets that could destroy her marriage and bitches about losing a husband at the same time. Even at the eleventh-hour she still wasn't willing to come clean. Drinking tea was the aphrodisiac she needed to muster the courage to speak the truth and as Yawn came through the door it could only be imagined what he'd say when the only thing they have to fear is fear itself.

A Wonderful Concept
May 13, 2005
by Brent Kellogg

This just in: those who may have thought John 'Yawn' Abbott would have fallen on his knees and thanked the good Lord for putting Kevin Fisher at his doorstep on that fateful day when the old geezer fell down a flight of stairs, broke a hip, poked himself with a letter opener, and could have bled to death should all be emerging from a deep fog of savage expectation any minute now.

The old geezer said Friday that while he does owe Kevin "a great debt", wanted to thank Kevin "personally" but waited nearly two weeks after the fact to do so, and even then had to have his arm twisted, he's not kissing Kevin's butt.

Meeting with Kevin at the Abbott Hotel, Yawn said he appreciates his life was spared but that wasn't the important thing. What Yawn wanted to know, what was most compelling, was why Kevin was there the day he fell down.

Saying he wanted Yawn to give his mother a second chance, Kevin explained how Gloria Abbott so loves men who drool in cups and she's never been happier. Surely Yawn could overlook Gloria's white lies. Surely he could stop living in the past. Surely, despite his failing memory, Yawn can recall the many times he said how happy Gloria had made him. Surely there must have been something in their wedding vows about until death to them part. In sickness, in health and all that crap.

Nope. Yawn will not falter. He will not bend. The one who seemed to care about Gloria so deeply doesn't give a damn about her. Not anymore. He has "insurmountable" issues with Gloria. He has much hate to splatter about.

Oh, sure, Gloria reached out. She begged forgiveness. She promised more tolerance for Yawn's bitchy, faux daughter and more Bible readings around the Christmas tree that would take all the pressure off Yawn of having to think about going to his grave a lonely, broken man, but he cannot forget Gloria's lies. Nor can he forget that Kevin is Gloria's son and all those evil things Kevin did to his pitchfork-wielding granddaughter.

That Kevin saved his meaningless life was an heroic act deserving only of a paltry thanks. That's it. Now get your ass out of my home, Kevin. You have been tossed aside and openly ignored. Isn't hate fun?

Oh how Kevin will be disappointed from here on out. Oh how he will gnash his teeth and sigh his sighs and wonder what the hell happened because now Kevin gets to sit by with Gloria to plot the ouster of Yawn's nursemaid. They get to watch in bitter satisfaction as Gitta Hendrickson maybe starts seeing ghosts coming out of the wall much like Ashley Carlton saw in New England when she was traipsing around in search of Dr. Kurt Costner who eventually dumped the scag in favor of Hope Adams.

But you, in your infinite wisdom might be saying: what was Yawn to do? Wouldn't I have done the same thing? If Charles Manson had saved my life wouldn't I have been grateful? Wouldn't I have granted Charlie an audience and said thanks but that doesn't bring Sharon Tate back to life now get out of my home?

Yes, but Kevin, crazy as he is, ain't no helter skelter. He tried, but he hasn't killed anyone. He didn't drag a dead body down into the sewer. He didn't leave a man for dead behind a dumpster. Kevin wasn't charged with attempting to fry Colleen Carlton.

What Yawn should have done, what any decent human would do, was to profusely thank Kevin. Yawn should have told him, you know, maybe you did want Colleen dead, maybe you did give Lily Winters an STD, maybe those awful things people say about you are true. But good God, man. You saved my stinking life! Maybe as you say, you have changed. Maybe I should show a little more gratitude. Know what? Despite how I despise your mother, yet allow her to live here anyway, why don't you stop by more often? I'm not promising anything, but who knows? I might grow to like you. I might turn the other cheek, put the bitterness and anger aside. Wouldn't that be a wonderful concept?

Home Alone

April 14, 2005

I don't want to hear that those creepy members of the Abbott family and the Connellys and the Carltons prayed at endless candlelight vigils deep inside the God Have Mercy Medical Center Chapel for John 'Yawn' Abbott's miraculous recovery from hip surgery.

I don't want to hear that they also prayed for moral punishment and/or the stake burning death of Kevin Fisher without whose heroic act of kindness Yawn might very well have bled to death having fallen down a flight of stairs, breaking a hip and stabbing himself in the leg with a letter opener.

What I want to hear is where everyone was when Yawn fell and couldn't get up. Where was the Hispanic hired help Mrs. Martinez? Where was former maid and house squatter PainMe Johnson? Where, when they'd been working out of the Abbott Hotel for days, was Jack Abbott or Ashley Carlton? Why, in a time of frequent terroristic home invasions, did the last person out the door that day not lock it? Was not one of those conveniently leaving all at once not worried that an aging old man was home alone?

While some of these same people, these rabid born-agains who pray only when they want something from God or Buddha or Hare Krishna or whatever these freaks pray to, were getting the tragic news and rushing to GHM the old man couldn't bring himself to forget all that meaningless crap leading up to his accident. Yawn couldn't be damn happy just being alive or thankful that he won't have to be kept alive by a feeding tube or have the Congress write a law just for him or that his family won't have to fight over whether he'll be buried or cremated.

With his ousted wife Gloria by his side bawling her eyes out and begging him to say something all Yawn could do was fart a few get away from me vibes in her direction. So ashamed was he, Yawn couldn't make eye contact.

That indeed these Abbotts are a sad bunch was further epitomized when Jack Abbott crawled up from the depths of Hell to express shock and awe that a "low life" like Kevin had saved Pa. It would have, apparently, pleased Jack had Yawn died rather than be saved by a slimy peasant. Although he didn't like it, Jack did give Kevin a flippant "thank you" to appease his nagging conscience.

Fortunately there may not be a need for prayer. GHM doctors report Yawn won't have "permanent damage" as a result of the wound in his leg the ugly scar not withstanding. Yawn won't have to walk around in a daze for weeks following hip surgery whining how ugly he is. He will, however, be made to spend at least four days confined to the breeding ground for bacteria and infection the GHM and hospitals like it are known for. If electrocution victim Brittany Marsino's recent stay is any indication Yawn will receive a nicely padded bill the payment of which will not be a problem now that the Abbotts are rolling in dough.

So as the family hovers about with worry long-lost members like Traci Connelly have been invited to stomp around Yawn's hospital room adding to the collective hysteria. It'll be interesting to see just who shows up. Yawn's once Bon Bon-eating daughter was on the next plane out of New York when she heard her teenage daughter Colleen had run away but was nowhere to be seen when her sister was suffering with breast cancer. Not that Traci should have given a whit given that Ashley stole Brad Carlton away from her.

It'll be interesting to see if Yawn's lady friend Katherine Sterling drops by the hospital or the helping Brock Reynolds build homes for the homeless in Mississippi or somewhere or something Billy Abbott can take time out from his busy schedule to arrive at the same time so that Sterling might wonder why Billy wrote his mother to say he was falling off the edge of the earth.

It'll be interesting to see if the fish wrapper runs a front page story about how Yawn has suffered yet another medical tragedy and the radio station beams the news so that Gina Roma might get the word like Sterling did while riding in her limo the last time when the news broke even before Yawn was wheeled into the ER.

It would be nice. No prayers. No vigils. No snarling attacks. Just a few loved ones meditating calmly as Chopin nocturnes play softly in the background until Yawn is sent to recuperate amongst the warm peaceful surroundings of home sweet home.

No such luck. No spreading the good word. That low-life Kevin saved our Pa. Saved our family. Does that mean we must be nice? No. We are the Genoa City elite. What remains of our deaden souls thrive on chaos. We still have a long way to go. Down. Way, way down. The Abbotts are working the last raw nerve, plotting right now to throw Gloria out of the home, seeing how much abuse they can inflict before something pops so violently they can only sit back and go, oh holy hell. Where did we go wrong?

Break a Hip!

March 31, 2005

As expected old man John 'Yawn' Abbott said this week he doesn't care about his wife's past. The past is the past. They've got to move on. He loves Gloria Fisher more and more each day; wants to show her off; take her to the Lodge Restaurant & Brothel where sexually active old women seduce young boys in the upstairs sperm-stained rooms. There is no reason Gloria should be turning pale and rigamortis setting into her bony hands. There is no problem they can't talk about. Doesn't matter that Gloria has been keeping a secret from him because she brought good things to his otherwise meaningless, and time running out, life. Gloria deserves to be treated like "the lovely woman" she is.

Who knows? Either one of them could be hit by a bus tomorrow. They could fall horribly ill, get a tumor, be hit in the head by unimaginably heavy things. They could get mercury poisoning but they'd still have each other. Whatever is troubling Gloria's guilty conscience they'll work it out.

Until Yawn that is, Yawn heard Gloria's secret.

Those nice boys she first introduced Yawn to weren't her real sons? Frick and Frack aren't fanatical born-agains who pray at endless candlelight vigils for moral punishment and fiery death? Her real sons are the sleazy Michael Baldwin and crazy Kevin Fisher both of whom have graced the Abbott Hotel living room and he did not catch on?

Oh, and by the way Gloria, before we go any farther, or is it further, in the event my heart gives out from the stress or bulimia locks my brain and I can't speak or drool or function in any substantive way, I do not under any circumstances want to be kept alive by a feeding tube for 15 years. Please do not let my grubby daughter use my death to her advantage like she did by ordering that sleazy PI to dig up dirt on you and effectively struck down the best six months of bliss I've ever had. Please do not let Ashley Carlton ram her silly moral codes down my throat in a fruitless effort to keep me alive for her own self-gratification.

As it so happened, just when this report was being written and the slightest hope was being held that Yawn would tell Gloria he doesn't give a rat's ass who her sons are and this story might have progressed to a point where Gloria might have slapped Ashley across the face with her victory and maybe said, "Listen, bitch. Screw with me again and I'll tell Yawn you ain't his daughter" and Yawn and Gloria actually went on to become one of the rare, happily married people in this city, damn but what the news didn't get out that Yawn will somehow fall and break his hip.

Because there are no qualified doctors or physical therapists in Genoa City, one named "Gitta" will have to be called in at great expense from a foreign country to massage Yawn's life and penis back to life. And since, as we've seen here time and time again, love has no meaning, Yawn will fall for Gitta who must then fight off Gloria as Gloria fights to regain Yawn at a time when both women should put their heads together and ask themselves why they'd ever want a man who has zero shame and that kowtows to the pseudo-religious contention that he can love anyone for more than six months as you go, oh my God, just stop with the empty emotion already.

John Abbott's Legacy

March 30, 2005

It's important to keep in mind what old man John 'Yawn' Abbott said this week while advising his scandalous son, the same son Yawn once caught in an adulterous affair with his wife, to remarry the sluttish Phyllis Summers.

Forget that Jack Abbott is so hard up for a woman he's resorted to seeking approval from Summer's son who should have no say as to who his mother sees or doesn't see and recently gave the nod to Damon Porter as the father figure he'd most like to see porking Summers. Daniel Romalotti has agreed to do what he can to help Jack reconnect.

All the talk of another Abbott/Summers marriage has reminded Yawn how wonderful marriage can be and that his most recent marriage is a whooping six months old. Until Gloria Fisher came along he was just a sexless, drooling in a cup geezer. Gloria blew new life into his sexual poker and now Yawn wants his adult kids to have what he has. A partner they can trust for the rest of their lives.

Is there any doubt Yawn is suffering from Dementia? Has he forgotten that Jack and Phyllis are like oil and water? Has he forgotten his grandson doesn't have a mother? That Diane Jenkins left Kyle Abbott behind? That the Abbott maid is raising the boy? That step-mommy Phyllis never liked Kyle? Does Yawn know that Phyllis once fantasized of having sex while Kyle listened from afar? Is this what Yawn wants?

And what about his granddaughter Abby? Does Yawn know his "daughter" Ashley Carlton had to steal sperm in order that Abby might be born and now the little girl has two daddies? Is this what Yawn calls trust? Has he forgotten Jack had sex with his wife while he was married to Jill Abbott and again following the divorce and right outside at the Abbott pool? Is the trust Yawn speaks of one-sided? Is it okay for his children to be lying, thieving weasels so long as their significant others are upstanding, law abiding citizens?

Is this the Abbott credo? Do as we say, not as we do? Is it okay for Yawn to hide his shady past from Gloria but if she happens to reveal that her two sons are the devious Michael Baldwin and Kevin Fisher this is betrayal of such magnitude Yawn is willing to divorce?

Is this to be Yawn's legacy? Will he yell and scream at Gloria for spawning two devil children while two of Satan's best helpers live right under his own roof?

Open Letter to John Abbott

February 1, 2005

Mr. John 'Yawn' Abbott
Jabot Cosmetics
Genoa City, WI.

Dear Yawn,

As a concerned Genoa City observer I've been thinking and, as you might imagine, not sleeping well. My coffee tastes funny and there's this luminous glow flickering like a bad light bulb. I haven't seen anything like it since Phillip Chancellor died.

Are you near death?

The reason I ask is because of all the talk. There you were this week getting all excited about going back to work and having chest pains. The angina was so bad you doubled over. If it hadn't been for that chair you would have fallen flat on your face. Not that you aren't used to it. You've had more than your share of heart attacks and strokes. But aren't you getting tired of going to the hospital? Don't you think you've worked long enough? What are you, 90? For sure, you're pushing 80 so why subject your final days on this earth to a folly?

Why not cash in your chips, take your new bride and head for the Bahamas? If the warm tropics don't suit you how about a cool mountain cabin? I hear Victor Newman can get you one in Montana. Pack up your troubles and leave Jabot. Leave Genoa City. Leave the silver spoon for those worthless kids to fight over. Enjoy those golden years.

Let's get to the point. All sources are telling me that you are more than a little outta control. Way out of line. Off-leash and lost and drunk on dreams of cosmetic supremacy. The various world deities are shooting me urgent e-mails left and right. We gotta talk, Yawn. Are you sitting down? Thinking cap on? Drooling cup nearby? Excellent.

If you go back to Jabot you might as well make the funeral arrangements now. Your heart isn't in it and can't take the stress. Your surrogate daughter says the years of watching a company you built with your own hands is "breaking his heart". Your own son agrees. Says you can't handle the stress of waging war. Don't you know, Yawn? War is the last refuge of the small-minded and the lost. Are you lost? Are you ever going to learn that Ashley isn't your daughter? Isn't it sad that I had to be the one to tell you? That those kids living off your sweat go on letting you believe a lie?

When you gonna disown that baby killing sperm thieving bitch? Did you hear what she said Tuesday? Said that now you've dumped her as CEO she can go back to sniffing test tubes. Says "the lab needs me". Can you believe this, Yawn? Ashley trashes your company yet has the nerve to think she can just go back to the lab as if nothing has changed? As if new toxic chemicals will help you at this crucial point?

Didn't you hear Jack screaming this week? He doesn't want you going back to work. Says the war at Jabot is "ugly". Says you'd take too long getting up to speed. Does your wife tell you that too, Yawn? You ain't no spring chicken. You ain't no Sharon Newman who can learn the inner-workings of a major cosmetics company in two weeks.

So, then, Yawn, here's my prayer for you: May you go through a major spiritual crisis of meaning and love, some sort of Damon Porter thing where angry ghosts show you shocking truths that make you shudder and whimper. You know Porter, don't you Yawn? He's the lab rat on the Jabot payroll for months but hasn't done a lick of work. Been on leave with pay. Do you see, Yawn? This is how your kids have run Jabot.

Your health is a major concern. They're all talking about it. Calling you dizzy. Wanting you to see a doctor. Smirking and wagging their crooked fingers and hinting that for you to go back to work would spell doom. Yeah, we know it's a bitch getting old and being a doddering old fool. But look at it this way.

If you die on the job, as I fear you will, it'll just be more fodder. More ammunition for the guns of hate and you know how that son of yours hates Newman. If you die Jack will blame Newman for your death until his own death, which frankly, I'd prefer witnessing before yours.

Please, Yawn. Take this letter with my heartfelt concern. Remember, if you keep this I'd-rather-die-in-the-Jabot-saddle crap up, uh-oh. You'll be dead. And who will care? Better for Jabot to die than you. Unless, of course, it already is. In that case your death would be in vain. Wouldn't it, Yawn?

Yours in modern living through better chemistry,

Brent Kellogg
GCN News