See Also: John Abbott  Abby Carlton  Paul Williams

How's It Hanging?

August 2, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

I must have been kneeling before the porcelain throne hurling uncontrollable when George Kaplan said he informed Ashley Abbott that he was taking her daughter to Hawaii for a "long weekend". I must have missed the part where Ashley said, sure, take the kid because, well, she spends little time with Abby Carlton anyway so why should she care? I did therefore write that Ashley wasn't informed and at this very moment has no idea that Abby is in harm's way. But one of the GCN newsroom staff members told me it was true. George, or Brad Carlton, whomever, did say he told Ashley. So, okay, George said it. Doesn't have to be true, he said it and most everyone bought it.

Not me.

Baby-killing, sperm-stealing and disgusting excuse for a woman Ashley is, I can't believe she would allow Abby to go anywhere without at least having said good-bye. I can't imagine, with Noah Newman and Victor Newman Jr. attending "camp" this summer, that Abby wasn't in some camp too and Ashley allowed Brad to pull her out even for a trip to sunny Hawaii.

I can't believe either that Colleen Carlton didn't call her workplace to say she won't be coming in for work the next few days and that her employer, Gina Roma, hasn't noticed yet that Colleen isn't on the job.

I can't comprehend how Victoria and Brad/George could up and leave their jobs without telling someone where they were going. I can't fathom that before heading to Kansas, unless he flew commercial, Victor Newman didn't notice two of his executives weren't in the building and that when he arrived at the airport one of his jets was preparing to takeoff and didn't inquire as to who might be aboard. How Victor came to have more than one jet I'm not sure of either. After giving the old one to Neil Winters, Victor did say he'd purchased a new one, but two? Three?

With so many people aware now that Brad is really George, that his life and the lives of those around him are in danger, that Sharon Newman and J.T. Hellstrom have been kidnapped, how is it that Daniel and Lily Romalotti haven't heard or that they wouldn't have said something by now? Do they think all those strange phone calls their friend Colleen was getting just went away? For two freaks joined at Colleen's hip in recent days, wouldn't one of them think it strange they haven't seen Colleen since she said she was going to New York which Lily knew to be a lie?

Moreover, why hasn't Ashley heard? Where is Ashley? Why doesn't she know too that the man she's always loved, the man whose sperm she stole, is epileptic? Why wouldn't Ashley be checking up on Victor every five minutes and maybe mentioning that his daughter is going to Hawaii? Because for all his claiming to be so interested in his children Victor doesn't give much a rip for the bastard kids he's sired?

It would have been interesting to have heard Brad/George's conversation with Ashley. So, Babe, how's it hanging? You know my new wife and I didn't have much of a honeymoon so we thought it might be nice if we flew off to Hawaii for a few days. Oh, by the way, we're taking Colleen and Abby with us! You got a problem with that? Good, because we're leaving within the hour. No time for you to say good-bye to Abby, she's on the plane as we speak.

And Ashley, you must imagine, said, no problem. Keep Abby as long as you like. I'm sure she'll appreciate the opportunity to bond with her new step-mommy who is really her half-sister. Don't bother calling me from Hawaii to say you arrived safe and sound either. When you do come back, could you bring one of those nice leis like Leanna Love got me when I was in Hawaii? Have fun, and remember what they say in Hawaii, hang loose!

Freak of the Week
March 31, 2006

In order for Genoa City residents to qualify for Freak of the Week they must demonstrate that they are indeed freaks or do freaky things much the way monkeys in a cage would at banana feeding time.

That Ashley Abbott gave her former husband a list of ingredients contained in the Jabot Cosmetics product her family business is dependent on for its financial survival certainly qualifies as Brad Carlton works for the competition, Newman Enterprises.

Battle of the Titans

February 10, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

It's a battle of titans.

Ashley Carlton wants to go to prison for a crime she didn't commit and can't get those who want her free - to roam the streets so she might get into another mess - to stop searching for the truth.

John Abbott wants to go to prison for a crime he committed only the District Attorney won't believe him.

Michael Baldwin wants to spill the entire can of beans he says, to save Ashley, when really all he wants is to keep his license to practice law.

Victoria Newman wants to marry Carlton's husband only he won't divorce his wife for fear a jury will see divorcees as second-class citizens.

When half the pillars of this community have been divorced so many times their last names won't fit on return address labels it's a wonder anyone would think this, but that's what they do. Always making mountains out of mole hills when just doing what's right would be so much easier and simpler especially when, regardless of their titan status, they are such simpletons.

We know Carlton is simpleminded. What with her accusing those who won't go along with her morally paralyzed ways of betrayal, she blasted private detective Paul Williams again Friday - for saying he's got to report anything he finds out about who really killed Tom Fisher to the cops - akin to sentencing her faux daddy to death. And when Williams wouldn't get on his knees and kiss her ass the bitch threatened to cut him off.

"You can forget about seeing me again," Carlton snarled, as if to say, "See if I ever spread my legs for you again, married or not". Not that she's ever put out for Williams the two have been on a few what they called "dates".

One of the most inarticulate and intellectually devoid PIs on the planet, mumbling his semicoherent and embarrassing claims of solving cases that others must solve for him, Williams had a good comeback at least.

"I may never see you again anyway [because] you'll be in prison for the rest of your life."

Unfortunately, Williams did not remind Carlton that the best sex she'll get in prison will be with some dyke named Rufus-Ann.

But like Baldwin, who allows Carlton to spew swill on him, licks up every drop and then begs for more, Williams didn't have the balls to tell her, "You gonna cut me off? Go ahead! It'll just give me more time to help put that old man away."

After what Baldwin did today maybe his new bride will see what a mistake she made by marrying him. Fresh from the pits of Hell, used to being a widow Lauren Fenmore now finds herself facing life alone as a prison-wife getting sex once every other weekend during conjugal visits if hubby goes away. And for what? Because Baldwin has a sick obligation to protect Carlton.

"I owe this to Ashley," he actually told Fenmore who has lost more husbands than Sheila Carter has lives.

Still, because Lauren is just so desperate, because there is such a shortage of really good and honest men in this city who could make her remaining years a bed of roses, Fenmore could only snivel that Baldwin is the, "smartest, cleverest man" she's ever known."

Sorry, honey. Any man who would take a fall for Ashley Carlton isn't very smart. And what does that say about Fenmore for hooking up with this Gestapo agent? Baldwin's only concern so far is for himself and his license to practice law.

In a related development, Fisher's real killer, John Abbott recalled a time today when Carlton was three. It's hard to imagine what has become a full-fledged member of the Nazi Party as ever being sweet and innocent, but Abbott said she was "caring" and always thinking of what she could do for others. Moreover, Abbott said "being truthful" has always been part of Carlton's "beauty" and therefore may have explained for the first time why the old man has referred to her as his "beauty" all these years.

DA Seeks Conviction in Fisher Case

February 9, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

She's such an evil bitch it's a shame Ashley Carlton won't be occupying a prison cell preferably next to her father so that he can whisper the words 'my beauty' over and over to help her sleep since the old coot knows just the right things to say to make her feel better. The nerve of this questionable woman when she asked Paul Williams on Thursday, "I thought you were my friend?"

A questionable private detective, Williams had stopped by the Abbott Hotel to tell John Abbott he hasn't been able to find any evidence that Abbott killed Tom Fisher and had wished Abbott had told him sooner that on the night of the killing Fisher fell on him enroute to the ground where he was later pronounced dead. That's when the obvious struck Abbott. Surely, bleeding from a gunshot wound, Fisher would have left traces of blood on him.

Unfortunately there was no way to know since Gloria Fisher-Abbott rushed the clothes her husband wore that night to the cleaners the moment she realized her meal ticket was about to get punched. Requesting that he be shown the clothing Williams couldn't find any traces of blood but to be on the safe side decided to send the clothes to a lab for further investigation.

"I'm calling a certified messenger," he burped, and not a single person present at the time thought to ask: "What's the difference between a regular messenger and a "certified" messenger and why can't Williams take them to the lab himself?

The upbeat mood that Abbott's wish to go to prison may come true was dampened when Carlton arrived just as the messenger was leaving. Her evil eyes darting back and forth and sharply focused she instantly recognized that threads the messenger was carrying belong to her daddy and demanded to know what was going on. Pulling Williams aside she torn into him like a crack ho in need of a fix. What the hell was he doing helping her pa? Hadn't Williams promised to help her? Wasn't he her friend?

What is it about these Nazi-like scoundrels? Why do they hate the truth so much? Why do they think they are above the law? Because they're pillars of the community? Presidents? Slimy members Congress? It's not likely she ever will but this is just one example of why Carlton needs to pay for all the wrongdoing she's gotten away with. From killing her babies, to stealing sperm, to marrying Brad Carlton who literally screwed her best friend and now screws her former step-daughter, Carlton needs to learn this is a nation of laws; she can't go around committing crimes and expect others to keep quiet. True, they are hard to find, but some people in this city still have a shred of dignity and sense of right and wrong.

In a related development, Carlton's mouth piece, all-purpose lawyer Michael Baldwin, had a run-in with the truth today too when his conscience got the best of him. Albeit a battle to save his ass - and his much treasured license to practice law - Baldwin fears if he doesn't tell the District Attorney about his role in the Fisher drug bust conspiracy, Carlton will.

Meanwhile, DA Will Bardwell has urged that Carlton's husband pluck the depraved worm of a woman out of her rat hole. If Carlton pleads guilty to killing Fisher the jury will better understand why she went into "business" with him and cut her some slack possibly convicting on a lesser charge of manslaughter.

Misery and Guilt

February 8, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

As Victoria Newman was cooing over a copy of Bride's magazine and thanking God Almighty that her soon to be husband's daughter isn't yet completely pagan and if she is that's okay because it's nothing some lithium and electroshock therapy can't cure, damn but what Brad Carlton wasn't telling his ex-wife they should remain married.

The ink on their divorce papers still wet Brad on Wednesday got it into his head that divorcing Ashley Abbott Carlton isn't the politically correct thing to do and would most likely violate the spirit of "Marriage Protection Month" as proclaimed by the sanctimonious and homophobic. And hence the time's never been better to shove any progressive, nontraditional notions of love or relationships or child rearing he might have deep, deep underground and be numbly happy that he's doing his part to safeguard marriage from, well, them. Or it. Or something like the fear he has that Leanna Love's interview with Ashley would have a "negative" impact.

It's true that the media whores spread vicious lies but isn't the act of committing adultery about as negative as it gets? Apparently not. On the surface Brad's remorse seems self-serving. This is a creep who does nothing unless he stands to gain something from it. This is a slime who has for months lusted after Newman and had sex with her knowing all along she was once his wife's step-daughter. For the longest time Newman has wanted to take their engagement public only to have Brad put her off for fear of what people might say even though most of those who knew didn't seem to care or if they did wished them well as incestuous relationships in Genoa City are of little concern. Then, on the day Brad said it was okay to spread the word, on the day he informed Ashley he's been putting the pork to Newman and that they intend to marry, he changes his mind?

"What kind of man does that," people might ask. When she finds out Newman will undoubtedly ask too.

That the glorious God-given sanctity of traditional, missionary-position marriage is under savage attack is a given. Brad is suddenly and openly terrified that a divorce now, at a time when Ashley could go on trial for a murder she didn't commit, will cast her in a bad light. Jurors will gallop into the courtroom on sequined horseback; they'll crack their riding crops and wag their crooked fingers all while delivering a stern adjudication of guilt and say afterwards it didn't have to be that way had only Ashley stayed married.

This is the Brad creed. Invent a bogus threat, inject black smears of fear, hint that something church approved and family friendly is in danger and that innocent children and cute babies are about to be slaughtered and if we don't stand up to the Big Bad Evil, society as they know it crumble.

While Ashley was appreciative of Brad's wanting to help and actually said that he's the best damn ex-husband she's ever had, she rejected his offer on the grounds it would prevent him from moving on with his life with Newman. Then, because she never quite knows the difference between right and wrong, Ashley went to ask her father what to do.

Happy to be out of the God Have Mercy Medical Center again and not the least bit concerned about the huge medical bill because he'll never see it, John Abbott said today that he's content to let Ashley take the fall. Oh, he tried to convince the District Attorney that he killed Tom Fisher, but if the DA wants to blame Ashley, so be it.

"Your father finally came to his senses. He knows you're doing the right thing," a smug Gloria Fisher-Abbott agreed, praying silently in pig-Latin to Satan and running John's bank account balance over in her head.

Relieved to hear that she'll go down in history as a martyr Ashley switched the subject to her divorce. What did John think about staying with a man who's having sex with and engaged to another woman while under the marriage umbrella? Would it help Ashley's case? Would it be unfair of her to ask that Brad continue the farce?

"I think it's a wise thing to do," Yawn actually said, and God did not strike him dead, but maybe did push his one foot already in the grave down a littler deeper.

Giddy, that the old man has always put protecting his family first, Ashley sputtered she had no idea the lengths to which he'd stand by his guns, so to speak.

"If I'd know what would happen to you because of my actions I would have done things differently," John babbled incoherently, noting that from here on out he's going to "keep a positive attitude".

"You always know what to say to make me feel better," Ashley hacked, then added she hasn't changed her mind about ending the marriage.

So why did Ashley waste all that time seeking the geezer's advice only to do what she planned all along? It's part of her persona. Part of the snide antichoice stance and fearmongering tactic that keep her and those around her in a tailspin of misery and guilt.

Abbott Family Totally Insane!

February 1, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Baby-killing sperm thief Ashley Carlton's summation Wednesday - that a jury would be more likely to let her off the hook for killing Tom Fisher because she's a "woman" - might have some credibility were it not for the fact there's some question as to her gender. Suspected for the longest time of being a man, primarily because of her small breasts, any prosecutor worth his or her salt would first conduct an investigation to determine once and for all what Carlton is.

One thing's for sure. She isn't smart. A smart woman would know better than take a fall for a murder she didn't commit. Most men would know this too provided they aren't part of the Abbott family of which Carlton belongs which may explain her propensity for doing dumb things like killing babies and pretending to be so concerned about a daughter she hasn't seen in days.

Taken in by the ruse, Sharon Newman, not exactly known for her genius, said today she sees Carlton and her estranged husband as "loving" parents. Even as Newman spoke her sister-in-law was caring for Carlton's daughter, Abby, who for the most part since Carlton's arrest for killing Tom Fisher has been stashed with a baby-sitter.

Worried that she's being seen as lacking parental skills and may therefore not be worthy of becoming Abby's newest step-mother, the barren Victoria Newman took it upon herself Wednesday to perform an exorcism on the seven-year-old after noticing Abby has a flair for drawing. Using her favorite crayon Abby drew stick figures on the cover of a school report that were so impressive Newman decided they might overwhelm those classmates who have come to hate Abby. Apprehensive at first because the kids have seen her mother on TV, Abby gave in after some pressuring and hand in hand went with Victoria to her school where she was allowed to just walk in and disrupt the class. Following what had to be an original dog and pony show, Abby overcame her fear of evil kids and was taken to her father's office where she indicated a desire to resume her education.

Meanwhile, at the God Have Mercy Medical Center, doctors and staff were overjoyed to see John Abbott wheeled in for another round of grueling tests after being found sprawled on a city sidewalk. Resident quack Dr. Reese Walker reported that the old man was suffering from extreme stress and not another heart attack as his family feared.

Told the old man would need lots of peace and quiet subsequent to his auto accident, Abbott's faux daughter asked, "What do we do?"

Without saying in so many words "keep bringing him here because without you Abbotts this hospital would go broke", Walker said only that more about what to do would be known as soon as more, expensive tests were complete.

Running into the hospital as though he were an ambulance chaser, attorney Michael Baldwin inquired as to the status of his client's father only to be accused by Carlton of nearly killing the old fart.

"You did exactly what I told not to do!" she bellyached, as a whimpering Baldwin explained he had nothing to do with letting Abbott return to the scene of the crime and was not present at the time the geezer walked away from the Abbott Hotel right under Carlton's nose. Sensing that his client fears 'daddy' Abbott may expose her lies, Baldwin was reminded that he conspired to set Fisher up on false drug charges which indirectly may have contributed to his death.

As for why he's letting his sister pursue the idiocy of confessing to a crime she didn't commit, Jack Abbott said again today that Carlton is better suited to spend time behind bars than a man with a bevy of medical problems. As for the toll it places on Abby, Jack said in essence, "You play. You pay" and in this case Abby might as well take a hit too as a sort of learning experience for what she can expect in the years ahead.

Jack echoed his sister's sentiment - that she stands a better chance of "beating" the criminal charges allegedly because she's a woman - suggesting that women have a God-given right to shoot first and ask questions later. He agreed too that a divorce attorney is Carlton's best defense, that his father wouldn't survive in prison and got the old timer's commitment to go along with the conspiracy much to Baldwin's chagrin.

"So now it's a family conspiracy? This is totally insane," Baldwin quipped, when it was he who set the conspiracy in motion.

In Search of Real News

January 26, 2006
GCN Staff Report

Anxious to get that breaking story, that one sound bite that will garner them big ratings and advertiser sponsorships, satellite trucks and a gaggle of reporters from CNN, MSNBC and FAUX raced to Genoa City and parked outside the Abbott Hotel when it was first reported Ashley Carlton had been arrested in connection with the murder of Tom Fisher. For all their zeal, for all the days they've been camped out, the only thing networks have culled from their frenzy so far is a massive bill.

"Another day and this wild goose chase will have cost us more than we spent on the Scott Peterson and the Aruba stories combined," a media executive told the Genoa City News. "I really don't know what we thought we'd accomplish," said another.

Indeed, the GCN sent roving correspondent Vikki Johns to the scene where she asked reporters what they've learned so far.

"I think the most important thing we've learned is not to mess with that old guy, what's his name? The one who smashed a camera? Abbott? No, Newman. The mustache guy with the bags under his eyes. Larry's [the cameraman] so scared now he's having nightmares and thinking of changing careers. Other than that, I think we've learned that nobody knows where Genoa City is or who these people are. I'm telling you, they are some of the strangest I've ever met," said CNN's Wolf Blitzkrieg.

"Wolf's right. When they gave me this assignment I had to look Genoa City up on the map. I mean, Genoa City? It's a freaking zit on the ass of life. They don't even have a McDonald's here. I'm dishing out $4 for a latte at some school kid hangout called the Jitter Joint. I went there this morning and they were out of rolls. Can you imagine that? If I don't have rolls with my coffee I just can't get this old body cranked up," added FAUX NEWS reject Rita Cosby, her man-like voice raspier than usual.

While Johns was preparing her report the owner of the hotel was seen rushing out, jumping into his car and speeding off. Concerned that not a single reporter tried to stop Abbott for a few questions or followed to see where he was going, Johns raised the obvious question.

"We're after the woman. The one who killed, what's his name? Damn, I keep forgetting. Yeah, that's it. Fisher. What? Why don't we follow her to that athletic place? Gosh, I dunno. Hey Fred! How come we're not following the Carlton woman? Say, is it true? Did that woman really steal some sperm? Now that's a story we should have covered. Hey Fred! Did you know Carlton is a sperm thief too?" MSNBC media whore Chris Mothballs told Johns when he wasn't counting what looked like money stuffed in an envelope with the words 'White House' on it.

Suddenly all hell broke loose.

"She opened the door! She opened the door!"

Reporters scrambled to their standup positions, bright lights were turned on and monitors flickered. A voice booming "from CNN this is breaking news" could be heard coming from one of the five satellite trucks and as cameras zoomed in for a tight shot of Carlton peeking out the front door, appearing to check the driveway, and just as quickly slamming the door shut, "It was a pivotal moment as day 13 in our non-stop coverage of the Fisher murder case in Genoa City Wisconsin continued suspected killer Ashley Carlton opened the door and peeked out at reporters," was the last thing Johns heard as she got in her car and drove off in search of real news.

Murder Suspect Shoots Mouth Off, Threatens DA, Lawyer

January 25, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

It gets stranger and stranger. At first I advocated for tossing Ashley Carlton's ass into a prison if only for a few days to teach her a lesson, but now I'm thinking a mental institution might suit her better. And while they're strapping the sperm thief into a straight jacket they might get the rubber room ready for Carlton's attorney if, after what she said today, Michael Baldwin continues representing her. While whomever might get the juicy task of locking these people away, he or she should also have a room reserved for Genoa City's District Attorney, Glenn Richards.

At the prestigious Athletic Club Wednesday where reporters camped out in front of the Abbott Hotel have yet to figure out is the one place they can find Carlton, the DA was seen grilling club manager Gina Roma about an altercation that happened there months ago supposedly during a "date" Carlton was having with crime victim Tom Fisher. Apparently unaware that DAs do not interview witnesses, Richards wanted to know if Carlton's faux father, John 'Yawn' Abbott assaulted Fisher in a public place. Roma said she'd heard something about that, but hadn't seen it with her own eyes. When Richards continued pumping her for hearsay information he couldn't possibly use in court, it was Roma who had to tell him to ask someone who had actually witnessed the event.

Perhaps because he didn't want to appear to be dumber than a certain clueless private detective, Richards huffed and puffed that Roma can be damn sure he'll be asking more questions of anyone with information about an alleged Carlton/Fisher relationship. Richards was about to leave when Carlton herself came forward to ask why he was asking questions.

"Because it's my job," Richards hissed, only to have Carlton accuse him of harassing Roma and go off again on a crazed tangent about not being a cold blooded killer as if to say she had the right to kill Fisher in self defense.

Before Richards could maybe get on the phone and find out why, after two confessions, Carlton is still walking the streets, Carlton's lawyer arrived to badger him for talking with suspects without a lawyer present.

Concerned that his client keeps wigging out, Baldwin had to explain to Carlton that the DA was only doing his job and didn't seem at all shocked to hear Carlton say again she confessed to killing Fisher, but it's okay, so why can't everyone just leave her alone?

Also on the scene was Carlton's co-conspirator, and Baldwin's mother, Gloria Fisher-Abbott who said, without having first hand knowledge, that everything happened just the way Carlton says it happen. So what is the problem? Don't the cops have real criminals to catch?

As if these mentally unbalanced scenes couldn't get any more contrived, as if it's been forgotten that Baldwin conspired with Carlton to entrap Fisher on a bogus drug possession charge, he reminded both women that obstructing justice is a crime. Then, alone with Carlton, Baldwin accused her of lying, said he's figured out she's covering for the old man and that if he can others will too. That's when Carlton lost it. She warned him not to tell anyone and if he does she'll have his license to practice law revoked!

Baldwin might have laughed in Carlton's face had she not uttered the scary 'L' word. For months when he was facing charges of conspiring with Victor Newman to commit commercial bribery the loss of his license was all Baldwin would talk about. Not a day went by that Baldwin didn't tell someone "I could lose my license to practice law" and now, with Carlton screaming at him "you'll live to regret this" if he doesn't do as she says, Baldwin found himself reduced to a sniveling, wimpy barrister.

What? Me Worry?

January 24, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

If it happens, if Ashley Carlton goes to prison, it'll be the first time any member of the upper-class has actually had to pay for their crimes since Michael Baldwin was sent away to atone for sexually harassing and attempting to kill the creepy bug, Christine Blair and it's beginning to look a lot like Ashley's new mailing address will be in care of Walrus State Prison because her lawyer thinks so.

Not that Baldwin knows for sure. The divorce lawyer, the corporate mouth piece who aided and abet Victor Newman's commercial bribery and conspired with his client to plant drugs on evildoer Tom Fisher and repeatedly threatened to kill Fisher with his own hands, said last week he was sure a jury could be convinced of reasonable doubt in Carlton's case. With so many people harboring a motive to kill Fisher and without evidence to prove his client pulled the trigger, Baldwin gave the impression there's no way his client could be convicted.

Then on Tuesday, so typical of Baldwin, he flip-flopped by saying that if the jury perceives Fisher didn't pose a threat to Carlton the night she was found standing over him with the murder weapon, it seems certain she'll be going to the big house.

And oh, what a joyous day that would be when Carlton pays even if it's for a crime she didn't commit. She deserves some time behind bars if for no other reason than for failing to hire a criminal defense lawyer. It's true, there is a shortage of attorneys in this city, but that's no excuse especially when Carlton has access to the Newman purse strings. With a wealth of resources at his fingertips, with the ability to fly in the world's foremost doctors to perform medical miracles for members of the Newman family and his friends, Newman could easily hire a real lawyer to defend his former wife if only she'd stopped being a bitch for five minutes.

At the one place those pesky reporters know better than to hound her, she whined to Newman on Tuesday how she could lose everything including her daughter if things don't go right. Then, without Newman asking, "By the way, why aren't you with Abby at a time she needs you the most?" Ashley said she doesn't expect to be charged with a crime even when the DA has already said his office will file murder one charges against her. Newman snorted it's a good thing because no jury in its right mind would convict her and then shuddered when she all but confessed to killing Fisher. Perceptive as always Newman could smell the stink. He knew she was lying, but couldn't get her to fess up. Pissed, that she'd hold back after all he's done for her, the great man told Carlton he resents not being trusted.

Exciting as Carlton's incarceration may be, her time in prison is expected to be short-lived as speculation has begun swirling in some circles that a conviction will be overturned much the way it was in the Nick Newman case. Found guilty of shooting Matt Clark, Newman went to prison, but thanks in part to some strings his daddy pulled was pulled from the pits of hell and set free after only a few days. Adding to the notion that Carlton will experience a similar reprieve is the fact that Fisher's real killer, John Abbott is slowly regaining his memory and will turn himself in if for no other reason than to protect his "beauty".

Guts and Glory

January 16, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Can you keep up? Can you process it all? Can you believe that the Genoa City Police didn't find any evidence to prove Ashley Carlton shot Tom Fisher and yet she's going to be prosecuted for the crime anyway by a newly appointed State's Attorney named Will Bardwell? What happened to District Attorney Glenn Richards? Did voters catch on that Richards has an abysmal conviction record and kick him out of office? Or is there a difference between a DA and an SA? One of these days officials may explain why the State of Wisconsin is so quick to spend the money it takes to prosecute the residents of Genoa City when, in most states, the job of bringing criminals to justice belongs to the city if the crime took place within the jurisdiction.

How the justice system in Genoa City works has never been clear. DA's act as city prosecutors and divorce attorneys represent harden criminals. Those charged with murder are let out on "emergency" bail while those facing drug possession raps must wait days to get a bail hearing. Others are sent directly to jail without a lawyer and without a trial never to be seen again. Crimes confessed to are often ignored while skipping school can get troubled teens sent away to level-12 group homes in Green Bay. And this is just the tip of the judicial iceberg.

If there's no proof, if no gunpowder residue was found on Ashley's hands or her gloves, how is it the charges against her haven't been dropped? Why is it that her attorney would rather jump the bones of his new bride than jump on getting his client out from under the cloud of suspicion so devastating the town folk are pointing their fingers at Ashley's kid and cowering in bloody fear that whatever Abby Carlton caught from her mother might rub off onto their kids?

At press time Michael Baldwin was making arrangements to pick up his client and drive her to a meeting with the DA which is another nice thing about the legal system in this city. Whenever the rich and powerful are charged with crimes they almost always get to meet personally with the DA. In most states district attorneys handle only the highest-profile cases leaving the routine and mundane to deputies.

As much as Ashley should pay the price for all the crimes she's committed, as much as she should rot in prison, it wouldn't be fair unless the crime she's nailed with is justifiable, like conspiracy to cover up a crime. And while they're putting Ashley behind bars they should toss Gloria Abbott into the same pod for her role in the conspiracy and for having the audacity this week to thank Ashley for taking the blame for Fisher's real killer, old man John 'Yawn' Abbott.

"I really admire you. Not many people would have the guts to do that," she told Ashley, who said it was no big deal and nothing any daughter wouldn't do for her daddy.

The stink of arrogance coming from the Abbott Hotel on Monday was overwhelming. It doesn't take guts to lie, it takes stupidity like that Gloria and Ashley reek of. The entire premise of covering up a crime by pretending someone else did it is mind numbing, but it's not to say Ashley can't get away with it given that the Police Department is not known for solving crimes. For example, while cops have the gun found in Ashley's hand the night Fisher was killed, they have not bothered to trace where it came from.

All that remains for Ashley is that she get her story straight, sweep up a few loose ends - like making sure Yawn doesn't remember that he shot Tom, or notice there are reporters camped out again in his front yard - and there's a better than 50-50 chance she'll be home free. With any luck she'll convince authorities Tom shot himself. If along the way the going happens to get dicey Ashley can always fall back onto the great Victor Newman who offered Monday to put in a call to the District Attorney on her behalf.

Without so much as a flinch, with no questioning Newman as to how in hell he could presume to still have influence to peddle after the DA nailed his ass to the judicial cross on a commercial bribery charge, Ashley thanked her unwitting sperm donor and took a pass too on Victor's invitation that to avoid the press the entire Abbott household move to the Ponderosa. For the record, Baldwin noted Victor's influence with the DA might come in handy as a last resort, however.

Should Yawn get away with murder it would leave little doubt that things in Genoa City are out of control. As we've seen, history dictates that the influential and well-connected do not serve prison time. They cut fancy deals and get off with slaps on the wrist and promises to perform community service. At his age, considering he drools in a cup and has numerous digestive problems, it's a foregone conclusion Yawn won't be charged with a crime. It's a good bet that on the last day of Ashley's trial the geezer will remember what he did, burst into the courtroom and tell the story that sets Ashley free and the city on its dogged law book ear.

From Ashley's taking the blame, to Yawn's pretending not to remember, to Gloria's saying it takes guts to lie, to Victor thinking he can pull strings with the DA to get his friends special consideration, whatever these people do from this point forward it'll be nothing if not delusional.

Sperm Thief Sinks to new Low

January 12, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

As I listened this week to old man John 'Yawn' Abbott explain why he can't remember how he got into a car wreck and that the hour or so it took from the time he left the Abbott Hotel has been seemingly erased from his memory forever, I tried erasing the geezer's explanation from my mind as it was just too insulting. Alas, being naturally inquisitive about how the World of the Unexplained works, Yawn's words kept haunting me so I went over them again.

Up and walking around at the God Have Mercy Medical Center and looking as normal as a man his age should look given that he was involved in a fender bender, has had two previous heart attacks, a stroke and numerous other medical problems, Yawn told his wife he's got to get out of the hospital so that he can do "whatever" one might do to get his always in some sticky mess, faux daughter, Ashley Abbott Carlton out of trouble.

Gloria Abbott wasn't too keen on the idea. She'd rather Yawn "focus" on getting better so that he can be strong for Ashley which is really all Ashley wants from the entire family during this, Ashley's 19th Nervous Breakdown. Nodding off a bit, Yawn snapped back in agreement. What with him being medically unstable it might not look good should he start poking around in things he doesn't understand like a certain Genoa City private detective. Only one thing keeps bothering Yawn. Why is it that he doesn't understand what happened? One minute he was at home and the next he was waking up in a hospital to hear he'd been in an accident on the very same night Tom Fisher was shot to death.

Gloria dismissed her former husband's death, and Yawn's accident, as a "bizarre coincidence". She told Yawn not to concern himself but for all his dying brain cells, claims of forgetfulness and drooling in a cup, Yawn was able to remember that Tom is "scum" and that "I would have killed him myself if I had the chance."

Then, like some many in Genoa City with selective memories, Yawn said that not knowing what happened is "driving me crazy" and that he needs to "get back those few hours" lost between the time he left the house and the time he woke up in the hospital. The flip-flop shocked Gloria. Why would Yawn want to remember? Why was the old fool jabbering about losing a "chunk" of his life? Didn't he recall coming home from their second honeymoon? Yes. Didn't he remember going out to get something to eat that night because the hotel cupboards were bare? Yes. Didn't Yawn think it strange the cupboards were bare when they employ a slave to make sure there's always at least a box of crackers around to snack on? No.

How could Yawn not recall getting into a fender bender? Did the doctors say he had swelling of the brain? No. Does Yawn have a brain? That's questionable given his ability to recall that in order to find out what happened he could call the police.

"Hello? GCPD? John Abbott calling. I was in a car accident the other night. Could you tell me how it happened? Did I file an accident report? Does my insurance company know? Will they take away my license this time?"

It may have been Gloria's quick thinking that prevented Yawn from making a further fool of himself. Reluctantly, Yawn agreed not to ask too many questions until he's feeling better. "It had better be soon!" he grunted, as if to scold his decaying body for not bouncing back on demand. The longer it takes to get the missing hunk of memory back, the more Yawn said he'll be thinking of his "beauty" Ashley having to face a murder rap all by her lonesome.

In fact, Yawn said just the thought Ashley might have to take responsibility for her actions could kill him. Furthermore, if he could, Yawn said he'd take Ashley's place in a heartbeat if it meant his little girl got to skate again like one of those figurines atop a music box.

The long and short of it is that Yawn's blowing hot air. There's nothing wrong his memory a good slap upside his head won't fix. He shot Fisher and he knows damn well he did. Why he's letting Ashley take the blame isn't exactly clear unless he's figured out she's been lying to him all these years. Maybe he's tired of being naive and gullible and more than a little senile if he thinks Ashley gives a rip about him. She cares about one thing: her sorry ass.

Ashley swears she losing track of time because she worries so much about her daddy who isn't her daddy and her real daddy would be ashamed to call her daughter. She says she's "furious" because Yawn found out she got arrested despite her best efforts to hide the truth from him. She claims to be worried about what her latest scandal might do to Yawn's health, but she doesn't. Not really.

If Ashley cared about anyone but herself she would have steered clear of Fisher the first time she found out what a slime he was. She never would have gone out with Fisher time and time again or allowed him to come within an inch of the Abbott Hotel. At the very least she could have kept the doors locked but let Fisher come and go from the hotel as he pleased and even allowed him to just waltz into her workplace.

Now Ashley's sniveling that parents don't want their kids associating with her daughter, a daughter she bore with stolen sperm.

"It's one thing for my life to go to hell, but to have Abby pay for what I did isn't fair," Ashley whined this week, and like some afterbirth, moaned how tragic it'll be for Abby should something "happen" to her.

Abby should be so lucky.

Abby has been cursed. She's got a mother so wicked, so evil, so disgusting as to cause her to have nightmares like all the other little children in this city afflicted with despicable parents. Abby had her first bad dream this week and her ghoulish parents came running.

Poor thing. Is Abby having nightmares? Tell daddy Brad and mommy Ashley all about it. Did mommy kill that nice man? She did? She did it for her daddy who really isn't her daddy but you know all about having daddies who aren't your daddy, don't you Abby? If you stop bawling the death fairy might bring Tom back and mommy will be free to kill again or steal some sperm. Wouldn't that be nice? What's that? Those kids who want nothing to do with you because your mommy is such a reptilian freak show? Don't worry, Abby. You don't need friends. Not in Genoa City. Here, have a late night sugar fix. That's it, gulp it down. Feel better?

Abby should feel better. The cops reported late this evening that no gun power residue was found on her mother's hands or gloves which means Ashley didn't kill Fisher. The old man did. Despite Gloria's saying she didn't know what that means it means Ashley's sick game is unraveling before her sunken eyes. She won't get to play the martyr. She won't have people falling over themselves to protect and make excuses for her. She does have a kid scared out of its wits, however. Gina Roma can shove all the ice cream in the world down Abby's throat but it won't help. Abby is freaking. And what does Ashley say to put her daughter's fear at ease?

"There are lots of scary things [but] I don't think anything bad will happen to me."

See? It's all about Ashley. Her daughter's becoming a freak and a diabetic and all Ashley can think of is herself. Abby's having her childhood snatched away and all Ashley can worry about is how watching over Abby might pose a hardship for Brad Carlton considering Brad and Abby's half-sister are "getting serious" what with their whoring around together and announcing their engagement at a time when Brad and Ashley are still legally married.

"The last thing she [Abby] needs is to be competing with a jealous girlfriend for her daddy's attention," Ashley actually said, and God did not strike this bitch dead. What a caveman-like thing to say. How presumptuous of Ashley to use Abby as a pawn.

The Ace in Abbott's Hole

January 2, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

You could have knocked me over with a feather when I found out why it is a murder suspect is being allowed to roam the streets of Genoa City as if no crime had ever been committed. In Genoa City, in this godforsaken land of the fairies and their assorted tales, there is, in the law, a provision providing for "emergency bond".

We're not talking about emergency denture repair. We're talking about the Justice System and how skewed it is and seemingly written solely to benefit the rich like a tax cut for the wealthy. In this particular instance the system is fully protecting Ashley Abbott Carlton.

First, by trying to separate the name Carlton from her, it would seem someone wants it forgotten that Ms. Abbott is still legally married to Brad Carlton. She and Mr. Carlton threatened to make their failed marriage legal, but never got around to a divorce because having sex outside the marriage was much more titillating. Understandably, it would behoove Ms. Abbott to distance herself from the town gigolo , but it's little late to worry about one's image when you've just been arrested on a murder charge and have the history of baby-killing and sperm stealing Ms. Abbott has.

Second, it's just utterly absurd even in fairyland that a murder suspect would be granted emergency anything just because her elderly father so happened to get himself into a car wreck on the same night the crime took place. Third, it's absurd to think that whomever granted this ER bond didn't check to see whether Ms. Abbott was telling the truth when she claimed John 'Yawn' Abbott is her father. He isn't, she knows it and in a city where everyone knows pretty much the dirt on everyone else why don't the cops know it and might this living lie come out at Ms. Abbott's trial?

Which is not to say there will be a trial. Not a real one. A kangaroo court most likely followed by the handing down of a community service sentence the kind where the offending party is allowed to pick and choose how to fulfill the whimsical and often unfair obligations that will set them straight in the eyes of a critical society.

For example, Victor Newman had to build an entire Wreck Center on the poor side of town for wayward youth as penance for his guilty plea to misdemeanor commercial bribery. The most powerful man in Genoa City at the time, Newman was under the close supervision of Lorena Davis, a probation/parole officer and part-time adoption agency.

But for his part in the 2005 Summer Crime Spree and the related death of Cassie Newman, Daniel Romalotti was required only to tell a few school students not to drink and drive. He was not assigned a probation officer or required to so much as go near the Department of Corrections Building. Subsequently the crime of concealing evidence in the Newman case was not pursued at all.

That Abbott is out on 'ER bond' is typical of someone above the law. The wealthy find loop holes, little entitlements, benefits such as being allowed to use a family portrait for the toothy mug-shot "I'll be skipping prison" grin during the booking process.

Over the years I've watched the rise of the morally bankrupt mind-set in Genoa City with equal parts disgust and sadness and bemusement, overlaid with a general sense that just about everything these people do is pretty much the exact opposite of what a 'normal' person would do.

But nothing has left a stink on me like this emergency bond measure. Like a meeting of the Planning Commission gone wrong, the Chairman of the Board jumps up to say, "Let the poor Carlton woman alone! Didn't you hear her brother say she's innocent? Isn't it agreed that Tom Fisher was scum and shouldn't we all be glad he's dead and our babies are safe? Why are we wasting time and money keeping her in jail. Let the woman go. Give her a medal. Declare a national holiday."

Indeed, why bother? Why was Abbott arrested at all? Shouldn't there be a new GCPD rule? Effective 2006 anyone found at a crime scene identified as a Newman or an Abbott shall not be taken into custody therefore saving the City millions in processing fees. The Mayor and Police Chief could make a joint speech. "We're waving the bail process for the Abbotts and the Newmans from now on because they always make bail no matter how high the courts set it. Conversely, with the newly unveiled ER bond they don't bail at all."

Some days in this city you can hear the relentless assault on intelligence; Torture Chambers like tidal waves crashing against the shore of common sense. It doesn't matter now who killed Fisher. All that matters is that Ms. Abbott be free to go her merry way; free to accept community service if the going really gets rough; free to help her brother protect the old man who Jack Abbott says one day is so frail and the next is "a tough guy" who can pull through anything even as they race to hide the TVs and radios in the event Yawn learns his faux daughter was arrested.

Yes, Ms. Ashley Abbott needs to be free so that she can tell the snoozing geezer that if he doesn't "wake up" and talk to her first about what really happened that night in the alley "it could cost you your life" as if to say Yawn has more than 5 years remaining on his life expectancy and that living them out inside a prison would be so damn unfair.

"It would kill you!" she hacks, at Yawn who can't hear and would not agree if he could because he's this 70+ stud who has kicked Victor Newman's ass more than once and could easily serve out a sentence at Walrus State Prison should it come to that, but it won't.

Oh, these people. These Abbotts. Appearing enormously important and significant, their every blink and blank stare worthy of report as if they were something more than mere shooting stars in the night sky are pushing the convolution meter to the breaking point.

Emergency Bond - the latest joke - is about to get trumped by the emotional ace in Ms. Abbott's hole. When dead babies swathed in powder-blue blankets and fugue-like states of mind aren't enough there's only one thing to do. Rollout out the scared baby!

Prop up the 7-year-old Abby Carlton so that Mommy can tell her again something horrendous and despicable has happened and can pretty much guarantee Abby will be traumatized for life. Only Mommy doesn't have the guts to tell her alone; Mommy needs Daddy Brad to explain how Mommy stepped in crap again and now the whole family stinks including Abby who really doesn't need to know about Mommy's and Daddy's sickness and it's bad enough they've already exposed the kid to AIDS pimping.

That her mother shot a man isn't the part that should scare Abby the most. It's that the adults, her biological father in particular, have continuously allowed her to be exposed to what could be seen as child endangerment. A crime in most communities, there's not much hope charges of child neglect would stick on the Carlton's thanks in part to the ace in Abbott's hole.

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