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See also: Jack Abbott

Bad Billy

November 10, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

In anticipation that Friday would be devoted to rehashing the entire Mesta death as a sort of reminder that many in Genoa City had bizarre reasons for wanting her dead and that in the end we'll find out the least likely person actually killed her, I flashed back for a moment on something that happened earlier in the week.

How old is Billy Abbott? Ten? Is that why Jill Abbott thinks she can spank him? Isn't Billy 20-something? Isn't he, for all intents and purposes, an adult? Do mothers search their adult children bedrooms? What if Jill had come across Billy's Honcho magazines? What about all those jars of Astroglide or his weenie pump? Wouldn't that be quite an embarrassment for not only Jill, but Billy too?

And what rich kid working as a mail clerk at his Mommy's company packs his own lunch? This ain't Leave it to Beaver - is it? Billy's not going off to college with a brown bag in his hand containing peanut butter and ketchup sandwiches he made himself - is he? Billy sure as hell isn't a construction worker. He's not building homes for the homeless.

Billy has ripped his own granny off, and who can blame him? He's an addict. Addicts do these things especially when granny is a nag. Katherine Sterling nagged Billy about being late for work as if any of the elite in Genoa City has ever had to arrive at work on time. Billy responded by saying he'd work an extra half hour to make up for his lateness as if employees can routinely do this which of course they can when they are nepotistic.

For her part, Katherine is a wreck. She's losing sleep. She and her daughter have had something like three squabbles concerning Billy and it's all Jill's fault that Katherine can't sleep. To keep her dying brain piqued, Katherine goes around her moldy mausoleum counting the antiques. There's the one in toilet. There's the one in the foyer. There's the one in the - wait! The marble likeness of Chinese ruler Dumb Hung Sung is missing! Billy, that bastard, must have swiped it. Only one thing to do: search Billy's room!

There, on the dresser, it's a receipt from a pawn shop. Billy, in his addiction, was dumb enough to leave a receipt for something he stole out in plain sight. The bastard. Jill, you do something about that child. If you don't, I will. I will take Billy over my knee and give him a good whooping. But first I must go to the pawn shop. There, Dumb Hung Sung is back where he belongs. Oh, my! Billy home already? Seems like he just left. Oh, well. You been busted, Billy. Granny knows what you did, you little skank, stealing from your own granny, bad Billy, bad. Here is your penance: You will regain granny's trust.

Yikes! It's big brother Jack Abbott. Stealing from granny? Shame, shame. Why not be like big bro instead? When it comes to deceiving granny Katherine, Bro is more discreet. What? Jack hasn't heard the other side of the story? Billy has a good excuse for stealing? Save it. Jack is going to give Billy a lesson in morality. Jack is going to pay off all Billy's gambling debts and then wallop him with a fancy job in Hong Kong. Billy will be a hero. He will leave for Hong Kong this very day! Passport? Check. Rabies shots? Check. Hugs and kisses and bawling her eyes out mommy who was prepared to dish out some serious discipline? Check. Bye-bye Billy. We'll think about you on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Then again, maybe not.

The Gambler

November 7, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

He gambled his inheritance away, he's in deep with the Miami Mob, he's tried unsuccessfully to borrow money from his family and others, so what's a feminine boy to do?

Get himself a nice job working for his big brother's business partner in Hong Kong!

That'll solve all Billy Abbott's problems. The last place the Mob will look for him is in Hong Kong. Hell, Billy will blend right in with the locals. Like his few teenage friends who learned sign language in a day or two, Billy will pick up the local lingo. His executive salary will be more than enough to pay the Mob off in a month or so should Billy not want to keep looking over his shoulder. His addiction will merely disappear.

It's true!

Medical maladies in Genoa City are like that. Take Victor Newman for example. A falling down epileptic, Newman has been healed! His affliction is under control. He only pretends now to have fits for the sake of keeping his enemies off-balance. Take Devon Hamilton. His hearing loss temporary, when everyone has had a bellyful of the Winters family whining, Devon will revert to his usual abnormal self. Like diabetic Raul Guittierez, much ado was made of diabetes and yet for all the sugar kids in Genoa City eat, for all the fat the adults ingest, not a word is spoken of what has to be a type-2 diabetic epidemic. Like cancer eating away at women's breasts like fear eats away at Lauren Baldwin, only a couple of women has had breast cancer and even then there's some question as to whether Ashley Abbott is a woman.

Billy's relatives are aware. They know he's been asking for massive amounts of money. Billy's so desperate, so addicted, he asked a lowly maid for money this week. So what did the relatives do? Did they offer to pay for Billy's rehab? Not on Carmen Mesta's life.

Billy's mother, Jill Abbott, thought she could fix the problem by giving Billy money to pay off his debts. Jill, having dealt with an alcoholic and knowing damn well giving boozers money to pay anything like the rent or the electric bill is like asking a fox to guard the henhouse, was stunned to learn Billy pissed the money away. She thought surely, now that Billy's all grown up, he could handle his own addiction.

Billy's new found granny, Katherine Sterling asked Billy if someone isn't trying to kill him. Listen you old hag, the Mob doesn't 'try' to kill anyone. They do it. Phyllis Summers trying and failing miserably to kill Christine 'Bug' Blair and Paul 'Clueless' Williams, Leanna Love trying and failing to kill Ashley, that's different.

And poor Billy. Granny doesn't understand him. Katherine doesn't see that Billy is a good boy who never wanted for anything in his miserable life which explains why he's an addict. Speaking of useless Ashley. When told by Jill that Billy only wanted money to pay off a debt and put down a deposit on a condom where he might live one day with Raul, or J.T. Hellstrom, Ashley didn't ask what Billy did with all that money he got from her dead faux daddy's estate. Billy had enough to buy a Porsche, so wouldn't trading down to a Honda be a good start if Billy needs some fast cash? To her credit, Ashley did suggest Billy work.

Work? In Genoa City? Doesn't Billy have a job delivering mail at the family business? God knows Ashley never got so lucky. She, a black sheep, never asked old man John 'Yawn' Abbott for a dime. Really, she said this. She didn't have to ask as Yawn handed Ashley whatever her little black heart desired.

Getting back to Jill, you gotta love this woman. While arguing with her mother over Billy boy, she threw out the old you-put-me-up-for-adoption hate ball. Jill, honey. Katherine didn't put you up for adoption. She paid another woman to say you were her baby and to do whatever it took to get rid of your ass. Bill Foster found you at the God Have Mercy Medical Center, or was that the grocery store? There was a sign out front that read FREE BABY - INQUIRE WITHIN. That's what Mr. Foster did. He put you in a sack and took you home to his aging wife who was starving to raise someone's baby. The rest is history. And look at you now, Jill. What? Reflection in the mirror too scary? Look at Devon Hamilton then. See? He got adopted. Ask him if it adoption is such a bad deal? At least Devon didn't find, and then reject, his father, Jill. Give Katherine a break. She could die this instant. She's letting you live rent-free in her mausoleum. Christ, Jill, show some respect.

As I recall, Katherine was willing to shell out big bucks to raise Billy when you were whoring around and she didn't even know Billy was related to her. Let's see too. Didn't Katherine do all she could for that other son of yours? You know, Phillip the drunk, who you have forgotten about just as you've forgotten about your grandson with the same first name.

Snap out of your delusion, Jill. You know all about addictions. If you must go back to fighting with Katherine find a better reason than the gambler.

Swishy Steve's Home for Boys

November 2, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Billy Abbott, leaving Genoa City on November 9, was never meant to amount to anything more than a snotty rich kid, and looking back at his past, never became much more than the drunk who J.T. Hellstrom left for dead in the snow. Billy had the dubious honor of becoming the first sap to fall for beak-nosed Mac Browning, married her, and before he could consummate the marriage, and thus proclaim he'd had sex with a woman, discovered he'd married his cousin.

Billy's recent return from Florida, where it's said he worked as a bartender merely to impress a girl, was, the GCN can now report, a plot device designed to rekindle a firestorm of rage between his mother and grandmother. While Billy has made no attempt to light the fuse, other than by bringing a girl to the Chancellor Mausoleum to show off the wine cellar, he better hurry up and do it.

Why?

Because those who can't stand that Jill Abbott and Katherine Sterling are getting along these days, are demanding a return to their feuding. This is after all, Genoa City. People here must always be hating and seeking revenge and committing adultery and going through some tragic event.

There was, for a short time, a rumor that Jill and Katherine aren't really related even though they went through great pain to prove they are. Arthur Hendricks, Jill's biological father, was brought in from Seattle to attest to the fact. The mother/daughter relationship is such a done deal that new Y&R top scribe, sounding like the old scribes, said she's not going to undo Jill and Katherine because doing so would be "gimmicky".

Lord knows, the last thing Genoa City residents need is another gimmick like the one where Jack Abbott becomes the owner of NVP. Yes, owner. How did this happen? When this report was first drafted, on October 26, I didn't have a clue. Mr. Kim Chee had said Jack owns NVP and I assumed that because Victor Newman put up the money to make his wife's dream come true and then put Jack in charge of NVP it was only logical that Jack became the owner while NVP founders Nikki Newman and Phyllis Summers were snoozing.

Nikki was recovering from another kidnapping and Phyllis was busy having sex with a married man. The women did not object to Jack's new ownership because he and Victor had become best buds and they didn't want to upset the balance.

I assumed too that Nikki wouldn't be outraged at having a man - who drove his family's business to the brink of bankruptcy again and again - own her baby because, well, she and Jack have a history. Phyllis wouldn't care for the same reasons. Sure, the ladies have grumbled, but their downfall, like Jill Abbott, is that they are female. Second class citizens with little say, business women in Genoa City, are mostly seen and not heard and not good for much more than having sex and babies.

As the daze passed Victor confirmed having sold Jack the business, later said he was suspicious of Jack mostly because he, Victor, has pretty much gotten over having epilepsy, and swore to Nikki he'd get NVP back for her. The very next day he said, well, he may have been wrong about Jack in that Jack expressed his deep concern over Carmen Mesta's death - or something along those lines leading me to the conclusion that Victor is senile.

Getting back to women too old to have sex, if their names are Jill and Katherine, they are relegated to regurgitation. Thrust together again when Billy does something one of them condones and the other despises, Jill and Katherine will find themselves embroiled in what has been described as a "major, major explosive story" of such magnitude as to create "extreme, irreparable, havoc".

The havoc?

Billy's addicted to gambling! Who knew? He doesn't look like a gambler. He hasn't been a rich bastard long enough to develop a habit - has he? Is he deep in debt to the mob too? Will Al Capone return from the grave demanding the money Billy owes? Will Billy have to change his name and join the Navy and worry that one day the mob may kill his family?

Attention all Navy semen. Hide your socks and grab your... Billy may soon be prowling the bunks late at night. He may chuck college and the opportunity of a lifetime to run Jabot Cosmetics. He may pull a Yolanda Hamilton and check himself into rehab. Then, once he's reborn, if he's still rich - and you know he will be because the Abbotts never go broke - Billy can open a casino - in Florida - or on an Indian reservation with Mac.

Billy might be more inclined to check himself into Swishy Steve's Home for Feminine Boys. I don't care where we goes so long as we don't have to see his ugly ass or hear puffy promotions on the dangers of gambling addiction.

The Stooge

September 28, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

The other report I wrote for today would have been enough had it been your typical boring day in Genoa City which I thought it was going to be. There was one other noteworthy item I couldn't just let slide, however, and this is it:

Businesswoman Katherine Sterling asking Jack Abbott what he was doing poking his nose into her meeting with Mr. Nair, the hair removal guy. The conversation went something like this:

Gosh, Jack. Do you by chance know Mr. Nair? What about you, Nair. Do you know Jack? Sort of? Oh, you mean you knew John Abbott? Didn't we all? So that means you know Jack is the son of a bitch? Hey! What's your hurry? Golly, Jack. Nair looked like he'd seen a ghost. John isn't appearing to him too, is he? My corporate attorney here, Michael Baldwin, has a question. What business is this meeting of yours? You don't work for Jabot. Damn it! Don't answer my question with a question. Michael is my attorney! He's got more right to be here than you do so don't ask him why he's here. Oops, you're right. You run NVP which is tied-into Jabot and without NVP I swear Jabot would have gone bust by now. You only came by to fetch some paperwork concerning the tie-in so it makes perfect sense that you, the honcho, would be performing such a meaningless task. What? How dare you ask how I could sell Jabot to a company I know nothing about? Isn't this how business is done in this freakish city? What do you care who Jabot is sold to? Because of the tie-in? Silly me, I should have known. Please, Jack. Don't threaten to pull NVP's tie-in. I don't know if Jabot can survive without selling Jabot's toxic products in all three of your little wellness spa stores.

Katherine might have asked Michael whatever they would do next only he was off talking to his brother about the connection super-spy Kevin Fisher had found between Raaz Cosmetics and Jack. The information was obtained by means so dastardly Michael couldn't help but think again of the legal trouble both he and Kevin would be in should someone find out that Kevin is intercepting Jack's email. But what the hell? Michael's sputtering is only meant for those who don't know that spying is just wrong. Oh, but Kevin says - if they get caught - doing some jail time will be worth it. This from a boy deathly afraid of jail cells. Need Kevin say more?

In the meantime dumber than nails Billy Abbott was telling Katherine in so many words, "What Jack said," when it comes to Katherine's suggestion that Jack forget about this crap of needing to protect the dead man's legacy. Suddenly, for a kid who hardly knew his Pa, Billy wants to protect the Abbott legacy? So how does a freshman in college go about this?

He'll buy Jabot!

With what?

He'll get a loan from the bank.

Christ! Wouldn't you like to be the fly on the banker's wall during that conversation?

So tell me, Mr. Abbott. How do you intend for this, or any bank to loan you money for a failed cosmetics company? If you'd done your homework you'd know we wanted nothing to do with saving Jabot the last time it was near bankruptcy and for sure as hell we ain't gonna loan some kid a wad of dough so he can.

God love her, Katherine preempted any loan deal by telling Billy she knows it's only a matter of time until he becomes Jack's full-time stooge. As for what happens should the sale of Jabot go through, Katherine said very little will change. Ashley Abbott will undoubtedly be retained thanks to her skunk oil sniffing ability and how she single-handedly thought it best to let the insurance lapse on a warehouse containing all Jabot products which subsequently burned to the ground. CEO Jill Abbott on the other hand will be transplanted to Chancellor Industries as will Billy as CI could use an effective mail clerk. As previously reported, whoever takes control of Jabot will want to keep the Fishers on what with Gloria Abbott and Kevin's vast knowledge of the industry.

Like any good stooge, Billy ran straight to Jack to ask if he, like Kevin, would like for him to spy on his own grandmother! I tell you, it doesn't get any sleazier than this. And Jack, who should have taken Billy over his knee and spanked him, said thanks but no thanks, but what a nice boy Billy was for offering.

Abbott Craps Out, Sits on Throne!

August 29, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

All this time I was thinking there's no longer a reason for Billy Abbott being in Genoa City and that he would haul his ass out and he goes and falls for the first chick he lays eyes on. It was somewhat shocking that Billy would take a liking to that Jana chick who works at Kevin Fisher's Jitter Joint when for all these years Billy was thought to be gay. His antics with Raul Guittierez and J.T. Hellstrom seemed to point in that direction and when Billy married Mac Browning but didn't get to consummate the marriage I thought sure enough. When Billy went to Louisiana to help Brock Reynolds build homes for the homeless I thought he might find some nice hunk there and settle down. Even if he didn't, if say Billy got converted, he might have found a nice lady who surely misses him now that Billy is back in the big city, but my, my, Billy hasn't mentioned leaving a girl behind.

Maybe Billy is like Carmen Mesta. At hot babe from New York, Mesta has never said anything about having a guy waiting for her to come home. Quite the opposite, Mesta has taken up with sugar-daddy Neil Winters. Like Billy, Neil was hot to trot for the first young thang to come along. Give him a few days and Billy will be pouring his heart out to Jana, telling her his most intimate secrets like how he married his cousin. Shucks, Billy could invite Jana over to the Chancellor Mausoleum to do all this and never once have it come out that Kevin Fisher, thought to be gay also, has a thing for Jana but can't, or won't, try getting in her pants.

The mausoleum you might be saying? Yeah, didn't you know? Billy's father owned the Abbott Hotel, left a portion of it to him in his will, and yet Billy chooses to stay at the mausoleum where his mother lives with her biological mother who is Mac's grandmother and is now Billy's granny as well. No doubt Billy is getting off on the incest implications and/or the memories he and Mac shared while Mac was living there and God knows who else.

Ah, but the kicker is that despite having been one of John 'Yawn' Abbott's former wives, Jill Abbott had no idea until Billy told her about the will, or wills as the case may be. Jill hadn't a clue that Yawn's first will has been read and that his kids got most everything. Not that Jill is broke, it's just odd that she wouldn't have known about the will or have shown any interest in maybe getting a chuck of spending change for herself.

Nope, Jill had more important things to think about. She and mommy Katherine Chancellor Sterling want Billy to take his rightful place at Jabot Cosmetics. They are so hot for this they've told Billy a position at the company will be created just for him. A position that most likely will pit older brother Jack Abbott against Billy because, well, Jack is confident he'll be running Jabot again now that his dead daddy willed it.

The other snafu in the mix is Kevin Fisher. Granted a baseless, experience less job at Jabot by CEO Jill, she hasn't noticed that Kevin's only been at Jabot once since she hired him. Since Jill feels too that Gloria was robbed, whether she'd kick Kevin out on his ass, as he should be, is another of those things yet to be seen. Plus, with Kevin ragging on Billy for being an Abbott, something nobody in their right mind would do if they want to keep their Abbott-sponsored job, it would be nice that if Jill can't see Kevin must go to make way for Billy, Billy would stipulate he won't take the job unless Kevin goes.

But then, let's think back. What is Billy's education? Graduate of Genoa City High School, check. Graduate of any college, uncheck. Has lots of experience running a business under his belt, uncheck. Gosh, what could qualify Billy to work at Jabot. Oh! That's right. He's an Abbott. He doesn't need experience or an education which probably explains why Billy never went to college. Who needs schooling in Genoa City unless it's a high school diploma with an A- in Physics or a law degree from Sears?

Who needs only crap to sit on the Abbott throne?

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