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Will Victor Newman Set Them Free?

December 28, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Like you may be, I'm baffled as to why so many of Genoa City's elitist are submitting their DNA to authorities without a court order. Sure, DNA is easy to get without an order, chief persecutor Will Bardwell could get it off a glass or, if the likes of Kevin Fisher and Jack Abbott and Brad Carlton smoked, from a cigarette butt. But why make it easy?

I say Bardwell could because we know he's a hands-on kinda guy. He doesn't have a staff of deputies to do his dirty work. From what I gather Bardwell likes to be present when suspects, assuming they're suspects in some crime, are swabbed. I bet he watches the actual testing process too. What I don't get is what Bardwell hopes to find. Was there DNA on Carmen Mesta's dead body? Where is her body? Still rotting in the morgue? Shouldn't some family member have demanded her burial or cremation by now? Oh, that's right. Mesta's brother is sitting on his do-nothing ass in Texas. He must be waiting for someone Carmen once knew to blow into Genoa City to raise a ruckus over how the dead in this city are treated.

So what will it prove if Bardwell finds a DNA match? Does anyone know yet how she died? Has it been established where she died? Baring a last minute confession, hasn't too much time passed for this crime to be solved? Apparently not.

With so many people getting so many DNA tests I can't recall prime suspect Devon Hamilton ever submitting his and for awhile it was thought his DNA would be found on Mesta's earring. If it had, if anyone's had, the question would have been: How did it get there? Did the killer suck on his victim's ears as, or after, she died? Devon did have motive. He needed new ears and what better to hear his family bickering and accusing him of bad things than with Carmen's ears?

What's really creepy is Brad's confessing to Victor Newman with regard to his past life. What was the point? Did Brad think Victor would forgive him? How is it that one tells half the truth and expect to be pardoned for all sins? Did Brad fess up to loving Sharon Newman? Would it make Victor feel better if he knew that while his daughter was vouching for Brad's credibility he was having impure thoughts about Victoria Carlton's sister-in-law? When Brad admits that he killed two Nazis will Victor make him out to be a hero? Or is that Nikki Newman's role? Will either one of them report knowledge of a crime to the authorities?

Don't hold your breath.

These creeps yap so much about justice and the American way, but when push comes to shove they look the other way.

The question though, the one I ask so frequently, is what does any of Brad's past, the selected parts he's making public, matter? At this point why should Victor or Nikki care what he did especially if they do nothing about the fact that he's a killer? All I see coming out of this is another confessional. Get on your knees before the great man. Confess your sins to the holy one and Victor Newman may set you free.

Nazi Hunter's Mom Goes Missing!

September 11, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

See? I'm confused again. A private detective, or at least he claims to be a PI, came to the gala I was attending to tell me that my mother, who I kept stashed underground for years, but let her out just before I killed those Nazis who were after her - is missing!

Seems Ma didn't arrive to wherever the hell she was going when she got off that return flight from Hawaii. I thought she was staying at my house, but with so many people coming and going it's hard to keep track. So what do I do? Do I check my phone for messages from Ma? Nope. Sure, I know Ma always keeps me abreast of her whereabouts, but golly, I haven't heard from her and now this PI is telling me she's missing? How did he know and I not know? What will I do? Will I get my ass away from this party and make a few calls of my own? Nope. I'll let the PI handle it as I have far more important things to do. I will, however, tell my wife. Oh well, that didn't do any good. The wife, knowing the goddamn nightmare we just went through, thinks Ma must have changed her plans. I'll say. Still, I better work the room first and worry about Ma later.

Good Lord! There's my whore. And who's Sharon Newman hanging onto? Jack Abbott? To hell with Ma, I gotta find out what Sharon is thinking. Rats! That Looney Tune Victor Newman just accused me of hiding something and he's gonna find out what it is. Bastard. I ain't hiding anything. Now where'd that slut go? Sharon! What are you doing here with Jack? What? You and Jack have been friends to the ends? You've got to move on now that I don't want your skanky ass anymore? Bitch.

Now what? Sharon's making a speech about NVP? What the hell did she have to do with making NVP a success? She's been NVP's spokesperson for what - a month - and most of that time she was being held by the Nazis before I saved her lazy ass and then spent the rest of her time bawling and sniveling about what a wreck the kidnapping ordeal made of her. The others involved didn't suffer. Hell, my faux daughter hasn't had a single nightmare and she's only six; or is Abby eight? I've lost track.

And what's that crap Nick Newman and Phyllis Summers are handing out? Spa samples? Or as Victor would say, "retreat" samples? What are in those bags? Bars of soap? Bubble bath? Why are there so many damn photographers? Hell, there are more photographers than guests. Let's see, there's Nick and Phyllis, Jack and Sharon, Victor and his wife, Neil Winters and his wife and that slut Neil is hot for, and who's that dude with Dru? Edward Scissorhands? What's he got to do with NVP? Ashley Abbott is here, yeah, that figures, she only works for the competition. The sperm thief looks to be... damn, is that Will Bardwell? What's he doing here? Didn't he help put Jack's father behind bars? Why would Ashley, or Jack for that matter, invite him?

Yikes! There's Gloria Abbott. What's she doing here? Oh, that's right, she works at Jabot Cosmetics too, so I hear anyway. Katherine Sterling is present. Gaud, the woman looks like death warmed over, but I guess since she owns NVP it makes sense she'd be here too. Wait! That ain't right. Katherine owns most of Jabot! Damn, I forgot she's like a mother to NVP honcho Nikki Newman so it's only natural she'd be here to cheer NVP on. Kevin Fisher's here too? Yeah, I guess the Abbott's would want the guy who tried to kill their granddaughter, my oldest, on hand given Kevin does work for Jabot. And who's that old witch drooling over Will? Jabot CEO Jill Abbott? Yup. Add my wife and myself to the guest list and it's a regular presidential election night party.

Oh, slap me, I just figured out what's in those bags. Jabot products! Jabot, because Jabot teamed up with NVP to provide body scrubs and other toxic goop rather than use Newman Enterprises toxic goop. So who said it's dumb for me to work the crowd when my Ma is missing? I don't know which is worse; my asking Sharon what she's doing here or Nick and Phyllis announcing their engagement. Is this the proper place to announce one's marriage? Hmm, I wonder, with Nick and Sharon both here, who's watching their troubled kid? Shouldn't Noah Newman be under lock and key? Maybe he's spending the night with Abby.

Strange, now that I think about it, but where are all the teenagers? Why isn't Phyllis' oldest kid here with his wife? Why didn't Neil and Dru bring their daughter along? So Lily Romalotti wouldn't see her mother drunk as a skunk? Poor bitch is making such a scene Neil's having to drag her off. Hey! There you are my darling wife. Did I tell you Victor warned me again about exposing the truth? Bastard. We'll see if anyone believes anything that old fart says after tonight. Look at the fool, hissing and spitting at everyone. Mother dear, why haven't you called?

Nothing to Fear but Fear Itself

August 16, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Today, as I keep on eye on Neil Winters moving into the Athletic Supporter Club motel and wondering if manager Gina Roma named a suite for Winters like she did for Nick Newman and understanding the Neil's faux daughter will be moving in with him because Lily Romalotti said she needed a place to stay as she can't move back to the Abbott shed with her already estranged husband after less than six months of marriage and rarely works at her Little Shop of Horrors job and therefore can't afford a dump like Raul Guittierez and Brittany Hodges did and why can't Neil move into the Genoa City Hotel, or that dive he lived in as a drunk, or anywhere other than the club, I'm waiting for the wave of OohRah's coming from George Kaplan and his minions Victoria Carlton, Nick Newman, Paul 'Clueless' Williams and J.T. Hellstrom.

I fully expect these clowns to pat themselves on the back for collectively taking out two nitwit Nazis who spend something like thirty years trying to find George only to fail miserably in the end. And what purpose did it serve to learn Brad Carlton is really George? None that I can think of especially now that George has asked J.T. not to tell anyone what happened.

But doesn't most everyone know? Won't word spread? Won't there be questions from the likes of Gina Roma? When Colleen Carlton returns from Hawaii won't Gina ask why she didn't show up for work? Is this how it is with the elite? Can they take jobs as waitresses and as low employees on the totem poll take off for days after less than a month on the job no questions asked?

Executives at Newman Enterprises, Victoria, Nick and George, or Brad if no one is to be informed of his real name, won't be asked where they've been for the better part of two weeks?

Executives at NVP, a Newman subsidiary, Sharon Newman and Phyllis Summers can just disappear and nobody asks where they went? Nobody wonders why NVP founder Nikki Newman is spending more time worrying where her husband is and praying for the competition and yet these are the main players charged with establishing a chain of wellness spas which we have been led to believe recently by Victor Newman has been established and runs itself?

Where is Phyllis? Did she make it to California? Did she ever call Nick to report she was safe as she was instructed?

What about Noah Newman? When he returns from Nevada what will Sharon tell him if he thinks to ask? Will Noah be allowed to resume Summer Sports Camp?

What about Abby Carlton? Won't she find it odd that her mommy and faux daddy didn't call her in Hawaii or vice-versa?

Won't the kids at school who seem up to speed on the marital status of Noah's and Abby's parents ask why they haven't seen these two around the playground?

What about Dr. Casey Reed? Hasn't she thought by now to call Nikki and ask how much longer she'll have to baby-sit Noah? Doesn't Casey have any interest in how her nephew is doing since Nick was trying to find his kidnapped wife? Did Nikki bother giving Casey any details? Did Nikki say, "Here, you watch Noah for awhile we're having some family problems" and Casey without question agreed?

What about Daniel Romalotti? Isn't he the least bit interested in what mess his mother is in now? Wouldn't he have at least called Phyllis, or she called him, if for no other reason than to say she's okay?

What about Rebecca Kaplan? Will she move in with George and his wife? Will it be explained why she's only 65 when by all accounts she should be 80-something? If Rebecca doesn't stay, where will she go? Underground? If she stays, will Rebecca be given a nice job at Newman Enterprises? A greeter at Wal-Mart? Are there more Nazis out there looking to get even?

Perhaps the biggest question of all is this: who hauled those dead bodies out of that church in Cleveland? Were they left there to rot and nobody will notice the blood and the bullet hole in the wall? What about the weapons? Did George scoop them up on his way out, take them to Genoa City and not get stopped by airport security? Or did they drive home?

What about that woman who helped Clueless dig up clues? Wouldn't she find it odd she never again heard from Clueless? Won't there be a police investigation? Didn't Clueless and everyone leave fingerprints at the church?

The answer to most all of the questions above is an emphatic no. Not a single soul thought anything was strange. Everyone in Hawaii beamed back to Genoa City with Rebecca saying she's going back home - wherever that might be - and that she blames herself for everything.

Abby and Colleen went from one tragedy to the next as if it's something they do every day. Happy one minute to be home, Colleen was bawling her eyes out over her granddaddy's motionless body. Abby, dumb as ever, thought grandpa was "sleeping".

Phyllis returned too, to say not only did she miss Nick, her baby missed him too!

Clueless senior and junior, Victoria and Nick agreed to keep George's secret because - gasp - there are great odds more Nazis are out there and more fear could beset them at any moment. In the meantime though, George has the hots for the nightmare-having Sharon who is not so freaked out she can't spread her legs for the right man.

But perhaps the most important thing to come out of all this is that George, or whomever he is, has his mother to thank for making him who he is today. Just another man of many with a fear of the unknown.

Nazi's Die in Church Showdown

August 15, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Did you get the feeling that the reason the Nazis released J.T. Hellstrom from captivity was so that they could get him back? Would that speak volumes to the "purpose" J.T. served and explain why the Nazis said they no longer had any use for J.T. and so to get him back, which they had to have known they would, they scrawled in the dirt the number of a shipping container leading J.T. and his motley crew straight to Ohio on the pretext that the container held the missing Sharon Newman?

Did J.T. and his mentor ever once think there is no possible way Sharon would have known the number of the container or that she would have been smart enough to write it down if she had? As much as so many people hate Sharon and think she's dumber than dirt, a few of her detractors have said what a smart girl she is freeing herself from bondage and having the foresight to leave a clue even if she didn't leave a clue and her freedom lasted all of two seconds.

Still the most amazing thing to happen since George Kaplan worried that their phones could be tapped and yet made more calls in one day then I make in a month, is that Victoria Newman became a handwriting expert. Victoria could tell that a woman bound and gagged didn't scrawl in the dirt with her toes or her nose the container number and thus the shipyard - or whenever the hell Kaplan and Company went to find Sharon - was a trap!

As I wrote yesterday, there's no doubt it was a trap - for us! We are the ones trapped trying to unravel why the Nazis would want to trap anyone at this point since they've said all along all they want is that reliquary. Or, more specifically, what's in it. Whatever it is, it can't be very big.

As GCN reader Toni Vincent points out, "Victoria as now being a "restoration artist" of antiquities recreating an authentic looking reliquary dating back to the Middle Ages is just a bit much! She can brush on her 24k gold leaf from here to there, which roughly spans the time of ten minutes, but any one cell paramecium could see the difference. And by the way, whose first class bones are in those reliquaries worthy of $120,000? Oh, please, don't tell me, 'The True Cross'? If every reliquary containing a piece of the true cross were true, the real cross would be about the size of the Empire State Building!"

Nevertheless, I waited with bad breath today, not baited, or to be precise, bated breath for the next insult to my intelligence. I wanted to hear Nick Newman tell whomever had a gun pointed to his head something along the line, "Do you have any idea who you are messing with?" or maybe hiss at the Nazi to get out of town, or anything typical of Newman power and dominance. A real falling down laughing insult would have been for Nick to say how he took out Cameron Kirsten high in the sky over an Iowa corn field.

I also waited to see how private detective Paul Williams would react to being upstaged by a woman with not much more to call a brain than Sharon has in that he, Williams, is supposed to be the experienced PI with his crackerjack tracking devices and magnifying glass. Here's what I got for my trouble:

Nick told the Nazis that he's Victor Newman's son and is therefore more valuable that his slut wife.

Paul figured out the door of the container was booby trapped and who better to recognize a boob than this guy? With George's help, the door was disarmed and lo, Sharon wasn't inside. Where could she be? Only one place. The church where Nick was trying to exchange himself for Sharon. In a heartbeat they arrived at the church, told the Nazis to drop their guns and that the cops were on the way to do cleanup detail. The Nazis were confused as moments earlier Nick had said the cops hadn't been called. Pointing a gun at Paul and J.T. one of the Nazis counted three and when the countdown reached one it was George who said the joke's on them!

Incredibly, George had managed to slip up behind one of the Nazis and get the drop on him. As Paul began untying Sharon, she kept shaking her head. Over the roar of the rocks, he figured out that she too had been booby trapped and now the Nazis had the upper hand again. Told to get the reliquary, J.T scurried away and returning in a flash exchanged it for the detonator. Everyone was about to go their separate ways when the gun aimed at Nick's head went off. George shot Nazi #1 and as Nick took off with Sharon, George had to ask Nazi #2 why they were after him. This induced a yarn pertaining to how the man George's mother testified against was the Nazi's father and reached a point where George put down his gun so as to beat the crap out of the Nazi. That's when the Nazi pulled out a knife and nobody said what a pathetic excuse those PIs are for not at least tying the bad guys up.

Yes, a knockdown cat fight ensured complete with Victoria looking on in fear as George got cut and finally, wrapping his big thighs around the Nazi, killed the man dead! So, with all the Nazis dead there was but one thing to do. Leave! Just like that! Nobody at the church, nobody outside the church, heard the gun shot. Nobody saw nothing. Typical, George, bleeding, declined medical treatment and refused to call the cops as did J.T. and Paul who, despite that George said Victoria's life could still be in danger if she stayed to help, merely told George to call if he and junior Shamus could be of any further service.

Help? What on earth was there for Victoria to do? Haul away the dead bodies?

Not that it matters, in another flash George and company will be back in Genoa City where George will ask J.T. to keep everything he knows a secret. Wait! Wasn't that what got them into this mess in the first place? Isn't that what the GCN has bitched about for years? That these people never learn from their mistakes? Ah, never mind.

The Trap

August 14, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

I swear to God I thought I was gonna die laughing today when I heard what George Kaplan said as it pertains to his, his wife's, and his clueless sidekicks' Nazi misadventure.

This isn't the really funny part, I'll get to that, but this was worth a chuckle. While Victoria Carlton was piecing together a make-believe reliquary replica sufficient to fool even the dumbest Nazi, the clueless twins were calling George to tell him they think they know where the Nazis are holding Sharon Newman. Seems the number Sharon wrote in the dirt was the ID of a shipping container traced to a company in Cleveland. Therefore, Clueless junior and Clueless senior are returning to Ohio on the next camel out. In the meantime, they are sending what was described as "an enhanced image" of what Sharon wrote to George along with the information they've collected so far! This was done in the event anything bad might happen to the twins along the way.

You got that so far? Good. Wait, the punch line is coming.

They also sent George a tracking device! Maybe looking at the device is what made George's mind snap, but all of a sudden he'd figured it out. It's not the reliquary the Nazis want - it's what's in the reliquary! At the exact moment in time Victoria reached the same conclusion George added it's what they had thought all along and therefore explains why they've wasted so goddamn much time. Then Victoria had a brain fart. Gosh, will they be able to convince the Nazis now that the replica isn't the real deal? Picking his nose, Nick Newman said it doesn't matter. They've got to hand the reliquary over despite the fact Victoria hasn't put on the finishing touches.

And again, because there is no chance their phones could be tapped, George got a call from Ashley! Not to ask how her daughter - who has been gone something like a week when Abby Carlton's trip to Hawaii was supposed to be just four days - but to, well, George didn't know why she'd be calling and didn't answer to find out as talking with anyone at this crucial point might have blurred their vision. He and Victoria must, you know, "stay focused" when the prize is so near.

His phone ringing again, George answered the call from a Nazi who said now they want Nick to make the exchange but they don't want to speak with Nick to give him the directions. George took it all down. A church. Following the call Victoria got a vibe. Was something bothering George? Do bears crap in the woods? George said yeah, if there was any doubt in his mind before, it's gone now! The abduction of Sharon is connected to the murder of his family all those years ago!

Well, duh, George. You just figuring that out?

In a rush to leave, Nick told Victoria to hell with touching up the replica. Phony as it looks, it's their only hope to save Sharon. Suddenly, Brad said he had to leave too! Where to? To meet with the clueless twins! So much for the twins sending that junk to George in case something went wrong.

Later at the church, Nick called out. Yoo hoo! Anybody home? Out of the shadows a man appeared with a gun pointed at Nick's head and as the world must tune in tomorrow - same time, same Nazi channel - to find out what happens to Nick, damn but what the twins and George weren't in Ohio at the truck stop trying to open a shipping container thought to contain Sharon when damn it, George's phone rang again!

With all the make-believe PI's working this case it was Victoria calling to say she had examined Sharon's handwriting and knew therefore that Sharon didn't scrawl that number clue after all - someone else did. Right away, George understood - it's a trap!

It's a trap alright and we're in it!

Nazis Extend Death Deadline

August 10, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

During the past several days GCN readers have written to ask how I do it. How can I write about the insanity that the George Kaplan/Nazi Connection skit has become? My answer when it comes to writing about Genoa City in general is that I take drugs. Seriously! In fact, when I started this report I was on my way out the door to see my doctor for a refill. The drugs aren't prescribed specifically for the pain that comes from watching the whack jobs in this town, but it helps.

Having written a couple hours ago the story about how John 'Yawn' Abbott is released from prison, when it came to doing an update on the Nazis and Sharon Newman et al, I wanted to throw up - my hands - and say, "That's it! I've had a belly full for one day." But when I saw what they did today, when I saw with her own hands Victoria Carlton make a replica of the most sought after reliquary and that they expect to pawn this off on the Nazis as the real deal, I couldn't help myself.

First, it was easy to predict that Sharon wouldn't die. Why, the Nazis called back to say they were only kidding. Of course, the call didn't come in until Nick Newman had sniveled how he had "failed" his estranged wife. To prove they were just joshing, the Nazis even let Sharon speak to George Kaplan. Mind you, Nick didn't get to hear Sharon's voice because he wasn't exactly thankful to the Nazis for not killing the bitch.

And as always, Sharon had to bawl and whimper and tell George to give the Nazis whatever they want even if what they want can't be found but we know it can be because Victoria is making a copy which will fool the Nazis. Wanna bet?

Strange as all this is, the shady art dealer returned to the hotel with the goodies Nick and Victoria ordered and as Nick paid the good man George pretended to get a text message on his phone from someone who supposedly has the reliquary they need which was, let's not forget, returned to its original owner long ago. Asked why he lied, George said it would put the dealer under the gun to find the reliquary they really want. But, as we know, that won't be necessary since Victoria noted that the pieces they purchased look like what they need. It took awhile, but Nick and George finally figured out what she was getting at. A look alike reliquary!

Meantime, the Hardy Boys, J.T Hellstrom and Paul 'Clueless' Williams were searching for a clue that might lead them to Sharon's whereabouts. There was that writing on the floor where Sharon is thought to be, but golly, after running what turned out to be a number through DMV, no license plate came back with that number. To be sure they are on the same page, and while the threat of having their phone calls tapped had apparently passed, the phones were ringing off the hook. George called Clueless to tell of Victoria plan to which Clueless asked if it would work and George said, why sure it'll work - so long as they get Sharon first.

As the story goes, Victoria must have needed a paint-by-numbers kit - or something - as coincidentally there was an art store nearby and off she went leaving George and Nick alone together to again to say they need to stop fussing among themselves in order to save Sharon. And damn, but what there wasn't an Internet connection at the hotel too. Had there not been Nick wouldn't have discovered "something interesting". A new porn site maybe? Hard to tell as the phone rang again. This time George's mother was calling from Hawaii to say she and his daughters are alive and well. Who knows, if the surf is up they might hit the North Shore. But when it came to whether Rebecca knows anything about who may be holding Sharon, Rebecca said she didn't want to relive those days in the concentration camp. Still, if it would help save Sharon, she might know something like how her testimony at the Nuremberg trials resulted in a Nazi receiving the death sentence.

When Victoria heard this she thought, gosh, could it all be about revenge? "Golly isn't everything we and the people we get involved with about revenge?" George did not ask, but you know, should have as your reporter reached for his meds.

What George did say, was that like their plan to make the Nazis believe a look-alike reliquary is the real deal, "in some sick way" what Victoria said made sense. Perking up, Nick said if that was the case why didn't the Nazis go after Rebecca? Nick apparently forgot that for years Brad and his mother have been changing their identities and hiding in plain sight specifically so the Nazis couldn't find them. Wondering why himself, George said he didn't know, but he's damn well gonna find out.

Back at the Williams Detective Agency on Wheels Clueless had put it all together. That number? It matches a shipping container belonging to a trucking company located in Ohio. Yup, looks like yet another trip to Cleveland is on tap.

Looking at the time, your reporter got to thinking, isn't it about time for the Nazis to call back?

Ring-ring.

"Mr. Nazi here. I know, we told you time was up, but since we extended the deadline ten minutes ago we was wondering. Do you have our stuff yet?

"Why, no, I mean (George whispers to Victoria: Come on! Do it! I got faith in you babe), yes, yes! We're ready to make the exchange. Now where do we meet you? The corner of Broadway and South? You'll be sitting in an old, black Volkswagen and we'll know it's you because of the swastikas on your left sleeves? No, you can trust us. We won't tell anyone."

Nazi Hostage Shot Dead?

August 9, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Note: while changing a file name the original Nazi update article was overwritten. Thus, we resorted to the original draft presented below which due to time constraints was not edited for errors.

Somewhere along the line George Kaplan decided he and his wife would not need to travel with his children to Hawaii where the two girls and an old woman the girls don't know have since arrived at the "safe house" operated by the mysterious Mr. Ed. The Newman jet delivered Colleen and Abby Carlton and George's mother in one piece and no sooner had she arrived in the Aloha State but what Colleen was running up a long-distance phone bill.

Fearing the Nazis would get his family, George stayed behind with Victoria Carlton and for their own safety decided to stay at the Newman Ponderosa to figure out a way to save the kidnapped Sharon Newman and J.T. Hellstrom. Victoria did worry that the kids might have to live out the rest of their lives changing their identities like George did all those years, but neither she nor George gave any indication they had thought about what would happen to the girls should they, George and Victoria, wind up dead. It was apparently predisposed that should things go bad, Colleen could merely call to say where she was and someone, most likely J.T., would fetch her.

And while he had been held captive, no longer serving a purpose, the Nazis set J.T. free and the first chance J.T. got, he, unaware that making calls would not be smart, repeatedly tried calling Colleen today. When she didn't answer her phone, J.T. whined to his boss Paul 'Clueless' Williams who would say only that Colleen is safe.

Miracle of miracles, damn but what Colleen didn't call to say she is safe and following the brief conversation a happy J.T. got back to the business of helping Clueless find a clue that might lead them to Sharon's whereabouts. And damn but what J.T. didn't suddenly have a brain fart. He recalled that while being held hostage, while in a drug stupor, he could hear the sounds of trucks at every hour of the day. Gosh, now where might that have been? At a truck stop? An abandoned warehouse? No, couldn't have been the later. Where then?

As the Hardy boys went over and over the videotape sent to George by the Nazi's, J.T. might have wished he'd brought his magnifying glass along when suddenly the clue they've been searching for reached out and touch them. There, on the floor next to Sharon, was something in writing! Unfortunately, the text wasn't clear. If only J.T. had a magnifier he might have seen the words pinpointing Sharon's exact location.

Meanwhile, out to save his estranged wife's sorry ass, Nick Newman was making arrangement over the phone to get money out of his bank account without any concern that withdrawal in excess of $9,999.99 are reported to Homeland Security. Not only that, Nick was calling art dealers who might be in possession on a reliquary similar to what the Nazis are demanding in exchange for Sharon's meaningless life. Following that call, Nick made another to the mother of his baby, Phyllis Summers, to asked if she'd reached California yet. When Phyllis didn't answer in person, Nick left a message explaining that he was working on a plan to save Sharon.

While this was going on, damn but what George and Victoria hadn't left the Ponderosa too and found their way directly to the hotel where Nick had arranged to meet with a shady art dealer. Along the way of this poorly written skit, George kept blaming himself for the mess everyone is now embroiled in and par for the course, each time party A says the party B shouldn't be involved, party B says they are involved and party A agrees which poses the question: Why say dumb stuff? Could it be because these are perhaps some of the dumbest people on the planet?

Bummed that George and Victoria found where he was, Nick snarled until his sister said a child of four could have figured it out. Victoria did, after all, mention the name of an art dealer and moments later Nick was gone. It could therefore be deduced that Nick was meeting with that dealer at a friggin' hotel!

And, as mentioned above, party A told party B not to get involved and party B said it was too late. Then, because no piss poor skit is complete without one, George and Nick had to argue again to the point Victoria had to break the kiddies up. Lo, when the knock came Nick did not for a moment think the dealer might object to find three people in the room and not just the one. Lo again, told George and Victoria are to be trusted, the dealer got busy displaying his wares and rewriting history as it pertains to art stolen by the Nazis during the war.

With their credibility shot to hell it serves no purpose to bring up the taboo topic of reality. Suffice it is to say that George and Victoria and Nick were all upset when, gasp, the dealer said he does not have a reliquary like the one they need. And just because the dealer did have two that are similar, Victoria said she'd buy them but not for $100,000 each. $75,000? That's a different story. A penny saved, is a penny earned.

While the dealer was off getting their order, George had a fit. Why were they buying something they couldn't use? The answer? Something is better than nothing. George's train of thought was further derailed when the Nazis called to ask if they had the goods. Told almost, the Nazis said that wasn't good enough and putting Sharon on the line to beg for help, a gunshot rang out.

Had this been a good skit, Sharon would be dead. There would be much grieving and hand wring and what is to become of them now crap. But as just about anyone watching this nonsense has concluded, this is bad scripting. Sharon doesn't die. And where's the justice in that?

Don't Like Jews? Go To Hell!

August 9, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

After reading a piece in the New York Post - about Brad Carlton having made "soap history" when he was outed as George Kaplan and that George is Jewish whereas Brad was Christian - I thought, isn't that nice? Nothing to quibble about here, right?

Wrong.

It hit me hours later what's wrong, but let's review for a moment.

Kaplan's portrayer, Don Diamont, was quoted in the article that when he opened the script and saw that Brad is really George he called top Y&R scribe Lynn Latham to ask, "So Brad's a Jew?"

Latham asked if Diamont was okay with that and he said he was because he's Jewish!

What concerned Diamont was what being Jewish means for the character now given that "Genoa City is a very WASPy community and that Jews, like abortions and alternative lifestyles (not to be confused with deviant lifestyles), are extremely rare.

Described in the article as Genoa City's "resident womanizer", Brad, or George, is out of the closet as the son of an Italian-Jewish Holocaust survivor. As GCN readers already know, George's mother was forced to go into hiding and assume the name Carlton too. But for those who might have no idea what Genoa City or Brad Carlton is, and therefore would be reading anything about a soap opera when they barely have the time or the inclination to read at all, the article told them "don't ask" if they found that anyone could get away with concealing an identity switch for twenty years the least bit absurd.

So now that Brad is George, we're told to watch closely as George becomes more "open" about his heritage by acknowledging religious things like Passover. Moreover, we are told this is being done to "shake things up".

"I certainly didn't want the character to be a Jew and go through that whole storyline and then sort of forget it. This is so totally out of the box [...] and I'm thrilled with it as a Jew who has certainly confronted anti-Semitism in my life," says Diamont.

As for those who don't appreciate that George is Jewish, Diamont says they can go to Hell.

"If I'm going to lose that segment of my fan base, well, that's a segment I'd be content to lose."

What bothers me most is that Diamont added, "this will open people's eyes" as if it matters what George's religious belief is; as if we don't know that anti-Semitism and discrimination of all forms is alive and well in the United States and always will be so long as religion and skin color and money and war divide us as a people.

So long as they keep breaking sacraments, it does not matter what religion Brad or George or any of the despicable characters in Genoa City believe in. For Diamont to make this statement, that our eyes will be opened to some horror, is hypocritical unless the resident womanizer stops sleeping around and getting married every 12 months and having babies out of wedlock and when things go wrong have the audacity to pray that God will bail them out.

Dealing with the Nazis

August 8, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Better late than never, someone figured out a week after the fact there's nobody running Newman Enterprises. So who got stuck with the job and happily agreed to keep the corporate teat full of greedy profit when all he gets for his trouble is a 20-something-year-old oil leaking jet?

Neil Winters!

Yes, whenever the white folks need a slave they call on their loyal tar baby.

With all the executives either out of town, in town, but dealing with personal tragedies or being asked to leave town, how NE runs at all is truly amazing. More so is the NE subsidiary, NVP. With its three executives either kidnapped, baby-sitting or leaving town, how the fledgling NVP can claim to have more than one store operating boggles the mind.

Executives George Kaplan and co-CEO Victoria Carlton have been spending most of their time at the Newman Ponderosa, their family is reportedly still camped out in one of the Newman jets waiting on the tarmac to leave for Hawaii, and now co-CEO Nick Newman has decided to pay the Nazis off all by his lonesome. Worried though, that the Nazis might kidnap his girlfriend and for the umpteenth time said the stress is too much on his unborn baby, Nick today ordered Phyllis Summers to leave town too. Phyllis, twice refusing not to get involved in something in which she has no business, agreed but not before asking her son to takeoff from his new job at NE too and join her. And when Daniel Romalotti refused, Phyllis told him where she was going. Not very smart for people thought to be living in such fear.

Nick also ordered his mother to Nevada where Nikki Newman shipped one of the male Newman heirs, but because Nikki is expecting a telephone call from her missing husband, she took a pass.

It was nice that George and his wife found the time to at least remember that his children are out there somewhere and that the two girls will have to spend their remaining days hiding and changing their identities much the way George and his mother did for twenty odd years. Too bad though, George had more important things to worry about, like finding the mysterious said to have been returned to its owner reliquary George said really isn't all that important.

Speaking of phones, so as to trace incoming calls from the Nazis, George went to all the trouble of re-wiring his cellphone only to have Nick swipe it just in the, um, nick of time to receive an incoming call during which Nick pleaded with the Nazis not to harm his wife. In a makeshift concentration camp at be bequest of the Nazis, it's not likely Sharon Newman will be concentrating on her own escape as she was last seen unconscious.

One of many questions since the opening of this skit, how George found out Nick had his phone and knew to call him at the office to demand its return and to later take a call from the Nazis, is not clear when it was thought the Nazis only know to call George's cell. There is the possibility, given how lame this skit has become, that Nick gave the Nazis a new number while he was speaking with them.

Then again, the Nazis would not appear to be very bright either as they allowed make-believe part-time private investigator, part-time Newman Enterprises security chief and full-time hunkmonkey J.T. Hellstrom to go free saying they no longer had any use for him. Battered and bruised, the Nazis dropped Hellstrom near the Carlton home and without seeking medical attention, with no concern that the drugs injected directly into his eyeballs by the Nazis might cause him great harm, Hellstrom went straight from there to the Ponderosa where he told George that he doesn't trust him.

Adding insult to injury at a time when they fear their phones could be tapped, Nick placed another call to Phyllis simply to instruct her to call him when she arrives in California. Likewise, she requested Nick call her whenever he gets to wherever he's going. Then, wonder of wonders, Nick called someone he somehow learned deals in antiquities to say he wants to buy a couple or three. Money is no object when you're dealing with Nazis.

Reward for Reliquary Offered

August 4, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

According to my calculations, today would make two nights that part of George Kaplan's family has been sleeping on the Newman jet. Next thing I know someone will tell me the jet took off to Hawaii without George and wifely Victoria because, well, with the Nazis looking for Victoria it would make perfect sense to stay in Genoa City and allow her, as she apparently did today, to return alone to the Carlton home to fetch a change of clothes for George. But, lest we forget, since the Nazis think they already have Victoria there wouldn't be much chance of the Nazis going back to the Carlton home or for part of George's family to leave town, now would there?

Perhaps that too would explain why George and Victoria have not mentioned anything about Colleen and Abby Carlton or that Ashley Abbott hasn't heard, or asked around, if anyone has called to say they arrived in Honolulu safely.

It is further amazing that for someone so dumb to keep arguing with Nick Newman over who's running the show, Brad would know how to re-wire his cellphone so as to trace incoming calls. I mean, hell, look at your own cellphone. Where would you start?

And again today there were many questions about the mysterious reliquary except the one question they've never asked: what would Brad Carlton's family, or George Kaplan's family, or whatever this family's name is, be doing with a reliquary? Why would a Jewish family have something one would normally associate with Catholicism or the Catholic church?

Give it time and Nick will probably tell us, because he and his sister are searching the Internet so hard for answers. Why, Nick even had a brain fart over this when he told Victoria to put on Ebay, or various message boards, or someplace, that they have someone willing to pay "millions" for the reliquary and when there were no immediate takers, Nick stomped his little feet.

Speaking of flat feet, Paul 'Clueless' Williams is still on the case. He too was at the Carlton home when he heard that someone had left a package there and that the person who sent the package gave specific instructions that it was to be left at the Carlton home. Making the long trip from the Newman Ponderosa to the city, Clueless fetched the package and somewhere along the line had the forethought to check it for explosives. It did not occur to Clueless that the package, had it been rigged, might have blown up while it was being manhandled as couriers are known to do. Not to worry, Clueless checked before opening it.

Presumably, the Nazis knew that once they'd kidnapped Mrs. Kaplan, the family would stick around waiting for a ransom note. They must have known too it wouldn't be likely a rich family would own a CD player and so they thought to put their demand on videotape. Attached to the tape was a note saying only 48-hours remain the demand. On the tape was a scene of a tied up and unconscious Sharon Newman which was so disturbing everyone present for the viewing developed looks of shock on their already contorted faces.

The fact that time is running out also caused the worry warts to fear that the Nazis had discovered they had the wrong person and might kill her. Clueless agreed. If the Nazis find out they would only kidnap another member of George's family. How that could happen when most of George's family is thought to be safe shall remain a mystery. The confusion did however, give the nitwits another opportunity to argue over whether George is telling them everything and when George said that searching the Internet for the reliquary will buy them time, Nick, who moments ago was stomping his feet, said even if they did get the reliquary it would be too late to save Sharon.

And while all this was happening damn but what Phyllis Summers hadn't made the long trip back to ask why the Nazis hadn't been paid off and Sharon was not there celebrating. This only pissed George off who said Phyllis knows too much and that her asking questions could increase the chances of Sharon's death. This paved the way for Phyllis to say that since Sharon is Nick's estranged wife he, Nick, gets to call the shots.

Then, sensing the stress was too "intense" for a pregnant woman carrying his baby, Nick told Phyllis to leave! But she didn't want to leave which only made George grumpier as he accused Nick of ruining everything and for Victoria to chime in to say that Sharon is still Nick's wife and the mother of his child.

So again we see the blind leading the blind and wallowing so deep in stupid they don't have any idea what they are doing or saying. What does Sharon being the mother of Noah Newman have to do with the price of rice in China?

Deep in the Devil's Workshop

August 1, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

So I'm sitting here thinking, damn, with George Kaplan being so in fear for his family, why hasn't he and his wife ordered the pilot to get that plane in the air headed for Hawaii? Then it hit me. Silly boy, there are too many loose ends to tie. There are too many people who need to get involved and play pin the tail on donkey. There is George talking with one of the Nazis, who someone said is an ex-Nazi except there is no such thing as an ex-Nazi. Once a Nazi, always a Nazi.

The Nazi's are holding hostage Sharon Newman and J.T. Hellstrom and so that changes everything. The plane can't leave until the Nazi's get what they want. They don't want money. They want the "sacred box" which contains a valuable reliquary, a religious symbol of some sort which George's mother, Rebecca said was returned to its rightful owner long ago. If the Nazi's don't get it they will kill Sharon.

So what's the problem if Sharon dies? Well, none actually except that for some ungodly reason Nick Newman says she must be rescued presumably because she's the mother of his precious son who is at the moment safe and sound with the hired help. Hell, even Victoria Newman couldn't understand the point of rescuing Sharon when she wondered why anyone would kidnap her sister-in-law. Let the bitch die.

It was only after Victoria remembered that the Nazi's think Sharon is George's wife that she got a better grasp on the situation. But then she couldn't comprehend why George hadn't told the Nazis when he had a chance who was who. According to Brad, the longer the Nazi's think they have Mrs. George Kaplan the longer Sharon stays alive. The longer Sharon stays alive the longer Paul 'Clueless' Williams has to not only rescue Sharon, but J.T. as well.

Then it dawned on Victoria that they should call the cops when she should have known the elite in this city never call the cops. If they did that every month there's some crime to solve, what would be the purpose of having Clueless around or J.T. for that matter? George vetoed Victoria's idea of the basis that their phones could be tapped.

Phones? Wasn't George about to depart for Hawaii? Would it matter?

It matters because George and company aren't going anywhere. They will stand around wringing their hands until the goddamn cows come home or Nick finds his whorish wife himself. So how does Nick know of the kidnapping? Over George's objection of not wanting anyone else involved, Victoria called Nick to tell him anyway.

And Victoria's not the only one who wants as many people as possible to know. On the plane twiddling her thumbs, Colleen Carlton got it into her head that Clueless should know of Sharon's predicament as it would help Clueless find J.T. and wrap-up their entire investigation. Her life in danger, Nazis possibly able to storm the jet at any moment and slice her throat, Rebecca said, sure. Tell one, tell all.

Sure as one of those elevators at Newman Enterprises is bound to be stuck, despite that George was worried about phone taps, moments later Clueless was calling to say he knew everything. Brad, of course, blamed it all on Clueless and J.T. for snooping into his past. Then, apparently aware of the mess he's in and that but one man can pull him out of it, George asked Clueless to please help.

And help Clueless did.

But not before Colleen started bawling.

Worried for some reason about Sharon, concerned for some reason as to what might happen to Noah Newman, Colleen started blaming herself. If she hadn't gone along with her hunkmonkey's investigation none of this might be happening.

Somewhere, presumably still in Ohio, Clueless was feeling guilty too for putting lives in danger. He's done it before, always says how he wishes he hadn't, only to do it over and over. As luck would have it, as Clueless wallowed, there was a knock at the door. Clever PI that he is, by the time he opened the door only a videotape in an envelope remained of whoever knocked.

Looking at the tape there was no doubt that J.T. had been kidnapped. The video showed a battered and bruised J.T. at what appeared to be the ominous abandoned warehouse. Thanks to those sloppy Nazis, there was too a sign in the video pointing Clueless to Willway Construction. A quick check of the phone directory was all it took to find the number. No address mind you, just a number which Clueless dialed pretending to be a developer and getting the address from whomever answered.

The way paved with "THIS WAY TO NAZI HEADQUARTERS", Clueless arrived to find that except for two chairs and some rope, the place was empty. Stroking an imaginary beard, it was at that moment Clueless figured out Sharon and J.T. had been there at one time.

Crazy as it all was up to this point, back at the Newman Ponderosa George and Victoria and Nick and you name it were arriving to rehash what they knew. Nick got the good word, and was floored. Gosh, how could Sharon have been kidnapped? He just saw her not too long ago.

Incredibly, Victoria had to tell numb nuts that Sharon got kidnapped since he last saw her. No really, I am not making this up. Then Nick found out George isn't Brad and blamed George for everything before huffing and puffing and blowing himself off vowed to make those damn Nazis pay. Nobody messes with a Newman. Not Adolf Hitler, nobody. Time to call the FBI.

Again George chimed in to say no heat. Didn't Nick know? They solve their own problems. Acting like he was doing George a favor, Nick agreed to do it George's way for now and then he and his sister jumped on the Internet!

Oh yes, whenever there is a mystery to be solved, whenever there is a medical diagnosis to be found, to the Internet they go. This time Nick and Victoria found out that an address Rebecca had for the original owners of the religious trinket have moved! Meanwhile, with his mother and children exposed on the Newman jet, George must have figured she wouldn't mind waiting a little longer while he too search the net for information on reliquaries.

And as if enough people didn't already know, as if phones weren't being tapped, when Phyllis Summers called to ask the father of her baby what was shaking, Nick told her about the kidnapping too!

Oh, and what might Phyllis do to help?

Nick, the religious zealot he is, asked her to say a prayer for Sharon!

Oh, sure. Deep in the Devil's workshop, what do these adulterous, lying, conniving evildoers do? They call on God to bail them out.

The Nazi Connection 3

July 31, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

The story so far: Out of the blue you've discovered that after twenty-something years the Nazis you've been running from, well, not really, have discovered that you are George Kaplan the man who didn't see them kill members of your family, but know that your holocaust-surviving mother may be very much alive and could do them harm should she reveal - like she's yet to do in an equal amount of time - their identities.

During all these years the many women you've been married to and people you've known have never asked about or cared much about your past. Your children have never wondered why they don't have relatives from your side of the family and at Christmas or other family gatherings, people haven't asked where the Carlton clan is.

Now, in the blink of an eye, you have whisked your two children, including the faux daughter named Abby without so much as telling Abby's mother that you're taking her child out of the state, to the airport where aboard one of the now many Newman jets you have stashed your mother after pulling her out of an underground cave. You have, without informing the great Victor Newman that you are taking one his planes, brought along your oldest daughter Colleen and without her so much as giving notice that she won't be going in to work tonight - or maybe ever again - Colleen has instantly bonded with her newfound granny. And too, you have brought along your newest wife and informed them all that they are going to "a safe house" in Hawaii where the bad men won't be able to get them. When your youngest daughter, who is not your biological daughter, asks if the strange woman is her granny too, you say yes even as you've indicated a willingness to stop the lies.

Then, suddenly, you recall there is something you forgot to take care of. Informing your daughters that they will be going without you and your wife to Hawaii with someone they don't know from Eve, you and your wife return to your office knowing that at any moment the Nazis you suspect have kidnapped your daughter's boyfriend could catch up with you. Then, as sure as one of the Newman Enterprises' elevators is bound to be stuck, you get a call from one of the Nazis informing you that they have kidnapped your wife. You, being you, look at your wife and know it can't be true so you ask if you might speak with this other wife. Eager to be seen as nice little Nazis the next voice you hear is that of the woman you screwed recently in New York.

The woman keeps asking, "Is anyone there?" but you don't say anything presumably because the Nazis will know that you know they got the wrong woman and what better stroke of genius than for Sharon Newman to become so much collateral damage?

Yes, Sharon Newman. Stuck her dumb ass in a place it don't belong again, the rocks for a brain woman finally found out what it's like to be stashed in the trunk of a car. She has, apparently, been snatched from Genoa City and driven across state lines to Ohio where she was tossed into some makeshift gulag with the reported missing make-believe PI, J.T. Hellstrom.

Back to back facing each other, the two select pieces of human meat are tied to chairs. Once gagged, Hellstrom is now free to talk. Calling out to the Nazi guarding him, perhaps to ask if he'd like to go out for a beer, the Nazi ignores Hellstrom's whimper and leaves so as to give the hostages an opportunity to compare notes.

From the smell, Hellstrom realizes his visitor is Sharon. When he calls out, she doesn't answer because, well, what's new? She's unconscious. In Genoa City when a person is unconscious it means they are asleep so Hellstrom tries to wake her. And sure enough, like calling anyone admitted to the God Have Mercy Medical Center who has ever slipped into a coma, all it takes is a wakeup call to get them to snap out of it.

Asking the unfamiliar voice where she is, Hellstrom tells her they are at some construction site. Asking who she's speaking with, Hellstrom tells her his name and immediately Sharon replies, "What are you doing here?" Hellstrom answers the question with a question; "What are you doing here?"

After explaining the obvious, that she was abducted, Sharon asks, "What's going on?" as if she didn't know, which knowing Sharon, she doesn't know that abduction means kidnapped and that she's been napped. And since together Hellstrom and Newman have an IQ lower than George Bush, Hellstrom says he doesn't know what's going on either except that it has something to do with Brad Carlton.

Their words bouncing off the walls, Hellstrom, remembering that he's supposed to be a super-sleuth, suspects the bad men are listening and so he lowers his high-pitched voice to Brad Garrett level. Based on Hellstrom's brilliant deductions, Brad could be a killer as in he murdered someone. Aware that Brad is a killer in bed, Sharon refuses to believe her lover would hurt a flea. Suddenly the bad man returns and like the big, bad street hooker she tries so hard to emulate, Sharon demands to be told who the man is and what he wants. Unfortunately, the man didn't whack her upside that empty head a few times. He did inject Hellstrom with a drug, however.

And isn't that a good thing? Didn't it cause Sharon to scream and was reminiscent of the scene in the French Connection 2 where Gene Hackman is repeatedly injected with heroin? If only Hellstrom were to come out of this an addict instead of the heroine (sic) I might not have titled this ongoing saga the Nazi Connection 3.

Holocaust Horror!

July 28, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Okay, I knew it was only a matter of time before the Nazis would show up in Genoa City. I'm surprised though that Adolf didn't make the scene, but it's early yet. Like many WW2 war buffs, I can never watch enough movies about Nazi Germany and so when I heard about the Brad Carlton Nazi connection I was intrigued - for a second, maybe two, until Brad stuck a pin in the Gestapo balloon.

According to Brad, if the reports I'm reading are correct, he has, over the years, kept changing his identity to avoid being killed and to keep his mother alive.

Say what?

How long as Brad been in Genoa City? Twenty years? More? Less? When, in all that time, has he ever been known as anyone other than Brad Carlton? Why, as recent as last week, have his credit cards been in the name of Brad Carlton, his home, his car, everything?

If, as Brad claims, he's been so worried people are out there looking for George Kaplan, who Brad says is his real name, haven't they figured out before now that Brad and George are one in the same? Are they, these bogeymen, that inept?

Apparently this is what we are to believe. We are to believe that Brad waited all this time to tell his daughter the truth and then only because Colleen Carlton threatened to go to the police if he didn't. Let's see, how would this work, exactly?

Colleen goes to the Genoa City police station to say she knows who Kaplan is and that he was involved in his parent's murder. The cops take one look at this snot-nosed teenager and laugh. They punch a few computer keys. "Sorry, no outstanding murder in our files. Oh, wait, there is something about a woman who died after using some of that toxic goop Jabot Cosmetics sells. Say, little girl, aren't you related to those Jabot people?" they might say.

Okay, so Colleen goes to the cops in Cleveland and gives them the same story.

"Sorry, girlie, there is an unsolved murder on the books, but it's twenty years old. Nobody cares. We've got enough problems dealing with current murder cases. Why don't you go back home and sleep it off," they might say too.

Turns out it was good thing Colleen didn't go to the cops because she had the story all wrong. Brad, or shall we call him George now, says he didn't switch identities because he was running from the police but because he was running from the Kaplan family killers. Lucky for George, he and his mother were not home that day. When he found out later, George says he went on the run and "over the years" kept changing his identity mostly to protect his mother from the killers who did not know they hadn't killed Mrs. Kaplan or her son. George added that had the killers ever found out that he and his mother were still alive they surely would have tracked them down and killed them. As for poor Aunt Isabel, she took the hit for his mother leaving the killers to think Isabel was Mrs. Kaplan. Apparently too, Mr. Kaplan was done in that day and this double homicide was described for years to come as the farmhouse family slaughter.

As for the real Brad Carlton, George says he and Brad were best buds. They were loners too and because of the horrifying situation, Brad let George and his mother stay in the basement of his, Brad's mother's house. But later, because Brad didn't get along with his alcoholic father, he and his mother moved to the farmhouse where even later Brad was mysteriously killed by a hit and run driver much like Bobby Marsino and George was so shocked he decided to take a dead man's identity. Then, after taking his mother "underground" George joined the Navy as Brad Carlton and no one was the wiser until now which must have meant too that the real Brad had the same height and weight and color or hair and blood type as George.

A sort of Anne Frank's Diary in reverse, George's mother was thrown into a prison camp by the Nazis before George was born and to stay alive cataloged stolen art. When she was freed, the one day to become Mrs. Kaplan took an oath to help those those whose art the Nazis confiscated get it back. Turns out, however, that some bad people didn't like what she was doing and when they threatened her escaped to the United States with her sister where she married Mr. Kaplan. But this didn't mean she was off the hook. Partly responsible for insuring most art owners got their valuables back, she was also a pivotal witness at the Nuremburg Trials resulting in the conviction of some Nazi war criminals. And thus, Mrs. Kaplan was herself hunted down only praise be to the gods, Aunt Isabel took the hit for her and the rest - as they say - is history.

Now, all that remains to be seen is who those Nazis are just walking into George's Newman Enterprises' office like they own the place, who the Nazi is that has apparently kidnapped Sharon Newman, and if there is any justice in this world, whether someone won't please kill the kidnapped J.T. Hellstrom who, love him as she does, Colleen left to rot in Ohio knowing a boogeyman there must be doing unspeakable acts with him.

Whatever happens, they've got to hurry. The clock is ticking. George, without checking with the great Victor Newman, has the Newman jet fired up on the runaway waiting to take off to Hawaii with George's wife, his faux daughter Abby and not with Ashley Abbott's blessing and - drum roll please - his very alive mother!

Time in again same time tomorrow - same Nazi channel for:

The Holocaust Horror!

Keep the Home Fires Burning

June 30, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

What with being gun shy after my semi-huge mistake earlier this week, I wasn't planning to write anything today. Then the mail started coming in that I wasn't the only one who thought Victor Newman had given the NVP staff the day off and that I shouldn't feel guilty for making a mistake because, gasp, everyone makes mistakes. Furthermore, a few readers wrote to say I could write about paint drying and they'd read every word! They will, it seems, read anything I write. Ah, such loyalty. Such devoted followers.

So, with that kind of following, it gives me great pleasure to pull out the keyboard and bang out my initial thoughts of what transpired in Genoa City as culled from information provided in Friday's Newsbrief as it pertains to Brad Carlton.

If I understand this correctly, Brad had a new alarm system installed in his home just because some gangsters cut the wires on the old one, broke into his home and trashed the place? This struck me as odd. Unless the old alarm was one of those Nathan Hastings installed while he was working for the Paul Williams Alarm Company and Detective Agency, there really wasn't a need to replace it. Had Brad known that when the wires are cut most alarm systems, even old ones, send a signal to the alarm central station and the alarm company responds by calling the police and/or the subscriber he might have just asked the alarm people to make sure that happens next time. If there is a next time. At any rate, I hope Brad didn't buy the new system from Williams.

What really amazed me was how Victoria Carlton's stolen jewelry just happened to show up in the Jitter Joint trash. What a coincidence that whomever dumped those trinkets picked the JJ of all places and then apparently, dumped the trinkets inside the JJ so that when out of nowhere global trekker turned waitress with no last name, Jana just happened to be dumping the trash into the outside dumpster when she spotted the goodies. If it was me who had stolen such valuables I would have dumped them straight into the dumpster. Then again, if I had no need for jewels I would never have taken them from Brad's house in the first place.

But then how on earth could Jana have ever been connected to this crime? How amazing that stolen property was returned to its owner within hours of Jana having turned it over to the cops when most victims of crimes must wait years to get their goods back as, since Mrs. Carlton reported a crime, the jewels would have been considered evidence and would have most likely been dusted for prints.

I know what you're saying.

We need only flashback to Cassie Newman's death and the joke of a criminal investigation that was.

I don't know which is funniest. That the cops told Victoria who turned her stuff in or that Victoria rewarded Jana by buying her a late breakfast at the all-everything Athletic Supporter and worse - introduced her to Colleen Carlton just to make the connection even more bizarre.

"Colleen dear, I want you to meet the nice lady who found my riches. She's a waitress just like you!"

As she's done a million times, Colleen could stop yapping that she's got to find out who she is. Is she a Carlton? Is she a dumb bitch? Oh Lord, what will she do? Only one thing at this point: give Lily Romalotti all the sordid details! Granted, Lily had to make a scene at the AS before Colleen would give out the most personal information about her family, but give it she did.

Again, maybe it's just me, but I'm not about to tell anyone that my father might not be my father and that I can't sleep, can't eat, can take a crap until I know one way or the other. Jeez, what's next? Will Colleen tell Lily how bloody is menstrual cycle is? Gross, I know. But you get the point. What might have been an interesting story about Brad's past - the blonde boy - the body in the woods - the baseball photo - is rapidly turning into a big joke. Can someone please tell me it isn't laughable - that with the 4th of July right around the corner - the fireplace at the Carlton home wasn't roaring and that Brad didn't burn his copy of the photo depicting what is, or was before it went up in smoke, the real Brad Carlton?

Are We Really in Wisconsin?

June 28, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Here we go again, or should that be, here I go again. I cannot wrap my mind around how the Carlton home could have been ransacked. The Carlton home is not some shack on the poor side of town. It sits on a plot of land I'm guessing is at least the size of the Abbott Hotel. On today's market, these are homes valued at a conservative $500,000. The property taxes these rich people pay must be astronomical. The Carlton home is owned by Brad Carlton who, unless he squandered all that money the many women in his life have given or willed to him, unless he pissed away all the money made from his many business investments, must be a millionaire.

So what millionaire, what person of any means, what person with a direct connection to one of the finest alarm companies in all of Genoa City, what person who recently had his computer hacked into and thought at the time it was pretty damn suspicious, wouldn't have an alarm system in his or her home and why wouldn't the alarm have been turned on?

Could it be, that due to their hectic schedules, Brad left home and forgot to turn on the alarm? Did he leave the front door open? Does he leave a key under the mat only his friends know about so that in the event they drop by unexpectedly and unannounced they can walk in and make themselves to home? Oh wait, Brad doesn't have any male friends so that can't be. He does have a female friend in the form of the whorish Sharon Newman, but that can't be either since Sharon was too busy impressing business leaders with her videoconferencing skills when the ransacking occurred to have stopped by to cry on Brad's shoulder and not finding him home left leaving the door open.

Maybe Brad's new wife left the door open when she went to work. In a rush to consult on some art project or to attend one of those strategy meetings for Granville Global or play tennis, Victoria Carlton could have forgot to set the alarm. Maybe it wasn't the door at all. Maybe a window was left open. The window nobody thought to wire for intruders like the little one behind the bushes in the back yard. Any credible ransacker would have thought to try that window first.

Or maybe Brad's daughter forgot to set the alarm. While Colleen Carlton now lives with her girlfriend, um, hunkmonkey at the downtown Sugar Shack, Colleen could have forgotten her chastity belt, run home to fetch it, and in haste forgot to set the alarm or left the door open. The again, perhaps J.T. Hellstrom needed to steal more data off Brad's home computer so he went back when nobody was home.

For sure it couldn't have been little Abby Carlton because she was playing hooky from Summer Camp this day. Abby wasn't in the "mood" for camp and was allowed by her step-mother, who used to be her half-sister, to spend time at the Newman Ponderosa playing with Zapato, the Newman dog not to be confused with the many other dogs commonly found on the sprawling ranch which too, for all its security and manned checkpoints, cannot prevent common criminals from just walking through the front door whenever they wish.

As it turned out, Abby was encouraged to play hooky by Victoria who on this particular day had such a "light" workload she too played hooky and together they played hooky with Abby's second favorite daddy, the biological one named Victor Newman. Victor, his head splitting, his youngest daughter giddy over having the opportunity to play with a real live animal the likes of which this city has witnessed just once in 30+ years prior to Zapato's arrival, noticed from the smile on Victoria's face that she obviously likes children and suggested she have at least one with her new husband.

Victoria thought that was a wonderful idea and promised daddy that when the time is right, when Fenmore's has a really great baby sale, she'll pop out a baby to join the many others that ultimately are raised by others and go on to become nightmare-having, pancake-cooking sissy boys like her nephew, Noah Newman.

It was then Victoria noticed how time does fly when she's having fun. Having spent all of an hour with Victor, she packed Abby up and off they went for the one-hour trip back to the big city. When she arrived home Victoria could tell right away the place had been ransacked. Without accessing the damage, without checking to see if her panty drawer had been raided, Victoria scooped Abby up and fled the scene. Given this same set of circumstances a normal person might go to the car or the neighbors and call the police. So let's see what Victoria did.

Victoria called the cops and then Brad who zoomed home, took a deep breath and summoned Colleen who ran home with the hunkmonkey/PI/Security Chief, J.T. Hellstrom in toe. The cops arrived and after looking around determined that whoever trashed the place sure knew how to trash. The best advice they could give Brad was to call his insurance agent, change the locks and do something about that alarm system which apparently the bad guys cut the wires of before breaking in.

Here's the secret they don't want you to know about: a real alarm system, one not installed by Paul Williams and his one-man alarm company, sends a signal to the alarm system if and when the wires are cut. Keep that under your hat. In the meantime, the home was far too dangerous a place for the fragile Abby to stay - even with her parents - and thus she was promptly dumped on some neighbor. Looking around at the mess, Brad got all snippy. Damn terrorists! How dare they fondle his wife's underwear?

Memo to the terrorists: Be very lucky Brad wasn't there when you trashed his house because he said had he found you, he would have huffed and puffed and - blew himself up!

A preliminary inventory of missing items found: Victoria's cheap trinkets and cash. Thank God, she was wearing her crackerjack wedding ring at the time.

Now, it just so happened that earlier at the Shack, J.T. and Colleen were looking at a baseball picture of who they think is the real Brad. Or is that the not real Brad? Whatever, J.T. said he things the answer to the mystery - of who Brad is - is right under his nose. Now if only he could find his nose. As expected, Colleen whimpered she's got to know because, Christ Almighty! She's using Brad's last name when that might not be her name and until she finds out she just won't be the same.

Not that everything these boobs do isn't funny, but when Colleen went over to the house she found a piece of clay which at one time had been a part of something she made for Brad in the 3rd grade. Not when Brad was in the 3rd grade, well, you're following this - right? That Brad has anything Colleen ever made him is quite a feat considering she wasn't living with Brad at the time unless Traci let Colleen send Brad stuff in the mail which I highly doubt as Traci did everything to keep Brad away from her daughter. What I'd like to know is whether Colleen saved the pet rock Brad gave her during one of - I think the only - visit to New York he ever made.

As for where Colleen would spend the night after falling all over herself and puking up I've-been-such-a-snotty-bitch please forgive me, you can be my mommy guilt balls, she suggested the Sugar Shack where most everyone thought she'd been staying all this time anyway. J.T. even seemed surprised that not only was she was inviting herself to stay with J.T. but Brad and Victoria too! Fortunately, the Carton's declined and I'd give you a few reasons why only this is supposed to be a family paper. Here's a hint: remember where the restaurant with the brothel upstairs where the teens used to go to have sex and paid for with their parents credit card? Remember that sticky stuff all over the carpet and walls?

Before I sink too far into the gutter, get this. No sooner had Colleen imposed herself on J.T. but what she didn't accuse him of doing the trashing! Good Lord! I can't stand J.T., never have, but in this case I felt sorry for the little runt. JT said he'd never do such a thing. You see? There's a big difference between stealing computer data and trashing homes. Besides, what would J.T. want with Victoria's jewels? Wear them at night when he's out dragging?

I promise, I'll end this article right here, but I would be remiss if I didn't tell you what happened next. As I like to say, maybe it's just me, but when my parents home got burglarized, I didn't go to the the Athletic Supporter Spa and Grill. But that's what Colleen did.

Oh! I almost forgot the most important part of this tale of fairies and things that go bump in the night. Back at the Carlton home Brad looked behind the broken glass of a photograph and you'll never guess what was there. A newspaper clipping with a similar photo of the one J.T. had been looking at earlier. And, it's gets better. There was a baseball card too of some blonde bitch-boy. Was it Brad's boy? Was it Brad? Was Brad raised in the woods by wolves? Is that what he saw in his minds eye? And, gasp, don't tell me. Was that another dead kid Brad saw too? How many dead kids are there buried in Wisconsin - if that's where they really are.

Living the Wrong Life

June 22, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

I confess. There is, right this minute, a lot of very hot pornography on the computer I use. I know, shocking. There are very naughty still photos my wife took of me naked so when the day comes that I leave this world she'll have something to remember me by on those lonely nights in bed. I mean, she's only human.

Look. We are a nation taught to be ashamed of our fantasies and our deviant behaviors. We are taught that porn is a dirty word and experimenting with anything outside the norm is wrong, wrong, wrong and deserving of medication and electroshock therapy. This is why computers have become dangerous.

The websites you visit, your files, everything you do on your personal computer could get you into trouble. That's why there is a disc-erasing program called Evidence Nuker you should be able to download so that if a sleazy private investigator were to slip into your home one day he, or she, wouldn't be able to find anything which might reveal that you, a long time ago, stole someone's identity. There would be no proof that all those loans you took out using a dual Social Security number should in fact be paid back by you should, say, the person whose identity you stole stop making such loan payments.

But through it all, there seems to be one general rule: If you have that much to hide, if you are living some sort of secret and embarrassing and family-endangering double life, if you are constantly hiding data and looking at naked photos of yourself, if you are putting in words your greatest fantasy and cannot let someone paw through your computer without feeling ashamed, or having to make excuses that having sex with grandma or grandpa never happened and you'd never want it to happen, perhaps you're living the wrong kind of life.

In a way, this is why I'm convincing myself that Brad Carlton is the original Brad Carlton and what he says about his family is true. Sure, there's the history mix-up. Brad said, so I am told, a long time ago that his parents are alive. This week, when he said they are dead, his wife got all flustered. Victoria Carlton it seems thought they were alive too. Could it be that since then Brad's parents died? You think that if Brad's father was an alcoholic Brad wasn't abused? You think that like Kevin Fisher, Brad was locked in a closet? Could Brad's mother have been like Gloria Fisher who enabled Tom Fisher's behavior? True, Brad said daddy started drinking after mommy died, but besides Neil Winters, who, out of the blue, outside the realm of Genoa City and Cleveland, turn to booze to mask the reality of death? Wouldn't there be a propensity for alcohol abuse? Wouldn't the average person say, "God, this crap tastes terrible" then go out and score some good cocaine or Zoloft from a doctor?

Why is the drug of choice, especially in Genoa City, alcohol? Why aren't more people on drugs? They certainly have reason to be. If you had been married as many times as the elite here have, if you had been divorced as often as these people have and your step-son became your lover and your cousin became your aunt, wouldn't you be on drugs? If your name was Noah and you'd been born years before a girl named Abby and Abby started acting older than you by saying things kids would never say like, "My parents told me they weren't getting a divorce" and that her faux daddy is happily married to what was her aunt and therefore her parents are more stable than your parents and that your parents are liars," wouldn't you be on drugs? If you told Abby that your parents don't lie, at least to you, and she said, "I hope you're right" like Abby is some sort of authority on incest and adulterous affairs and you are but a child dwarfing the adult-acting younger than you Abby, wouldn't you head straight for the schoolyard hoping Dan the Dealer is on duty?

Or would you much prefer to throw a tantrum? Would you throw the photo album mommy got daddy to put their new memories in on the floor and stomp your little feet? Would you get sent to bed early so that mommy can say to daddy that Abby put a terror bug in your ear and now you blame mommy for, um, what was it again? Oh, that daddy and mommy are just pretending to be happily married in order to keep you from acting out when really, you shouldn't much care and probably wouldn't if your dead half-sister hadn't convinced you that happiness can only be attained if your can't stand each other, always cheating, always kissing and making up and having sex parents aren't living together so you can say you have a family? And what family wouldn't be complete without daddy saying he should "share the blame" for your snotty attitude and must, at all cost, "fix" whatever is wrong so that you won't turn into another Kevin Fisher or Nate Hastings or Brad Carlton?

Who wouldn't be taking drugs if they were married to the so-called father of what was their half-sister but is now their step-daughter and daddy dearest, hubby of their dreams, keep on saying he's going to "build a life" with them and his "girls"? Is Victoria on drugs? Is this why she never questions Brad love? Shouldn't Victoria be looking at the foundation of this life Brad claims to be building? Shouldn't she see the bubble is not level? Shouldn't she remember those times Brad told her what a happy life he was building with her former step-mommy Ashley Abbott?

Could it be these people are living the wrong life?

A Time Better Forgotten

June 21, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Prey tell, what utter madness will come out of Genoa City today I asked myself sitting down behind the keyboard anticipating the news for Wednesday and hoping whatever it was wouldn't send me over the edge. As I'd already restrained my anger of being told how dangerous it is to surf the Internet looking for love and strangers to have sex with or run away to Disneyland or Australia or New Mexico with, but that now it's not dangerous because CEOs of major cosmetics companies and District Attorneys are doing it and former terrorists are operating on-line dating services directly from their coffee shops, I figured nothing again could slap my intelligence upside the head with such trauma.

I was wrong.

I should know better by now. There was a time when I wrote "just when you think you've seen it all, when you think nothing could be dumber or as lame or convoluted or off the wall or beyond stupid, something comes along to kidnap my common sense and drag it screaming through Satan's hell hole until I swore never say never.

Never think you've taken the last bite of the horror and human misery pie. There is more where that came from. More to make you wince and cringe and inject morphine directly into your brain to make the pain go away and swear you'll take Genoa City off your list of places to seek intelligent life form.

Yet some days, you just can't help it. Something compels you to check what's coming in across the wires and before your eyeballs which in turn makes it seem like this sort of thing is happening in every nook and cranny of the globe and is the norm. It gives the impression that if you aren't doing these things, if you aren't trolling the net for sex after being told it's dangerous, you aren't normal. It is, you must know, a most unique conundrum.

It is Genoa City's make-believe private investigator and head of internal security at the CIA, um, Newman Enterprises, J.T. Hellstrom showing his girlfriend of a photo of who he thinks is the real Brad Carlton when, this is just a guess, the real Brad Carlton is who he says he is. It is a can't sleep, can't eat, worried about what her real name is if it ain't Carlton, Colleen Carlton fussing like a spoiled brat that daddy Brad could have taken a new identity when he was placed in the Witness Protection Program and the government, inept as it is, having given Brad the name of a living person by mistake.

It is J.T. saying, no, that can't be because those in WP keep a low profile when J.T. knows damn well that ain't so. J.T. need only flashback a few months and review the Bobby Marsino case of which he played a major role. J.T. might recall that while he was playing daddy to Bobby's child, Bobby, thought to be a government witness, was hiding in plain sight. Bobby was so visible in fact he became the victim of what was called a hit-and-run when, emerging from a government safe house one day for a ride to the airport, he was run down. FBI agents at the scene failed to respond and the driver, or the vehicle, was never found. The resulting tragic death left Mrs. Marsino singing Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star to her baby. As memory serves, Brittany Marsino, nobody for that matter, bothered to attend Bobby's funeral because, well, there wasn't one. Brittany merely packed up her stuff, her baby and a few days later disappeared into the sunset.

You could, I suppose, say that Colleen isn't like Brittany. While Brittany was happy to move on and forget about whoever killed Bobby and maybe see justice served, Colleen wants to join in the search for who her real daddy is. Lucky for her, she's got the help of a "professional" unlike Nina Webster who, while she did enlist the services of J.T.'s mentor Paul Williams, gave up the search when she was left alone to check out but one man named Jed Sanders who it turned out wasn't Nina's father.

And so, while the daze ahead will be immersed in this swirling goofily inflated mayhem as evidenced today by Victoria Carlton trying to trick Brad into giving up information about his dead parents when she gave him a copy of their wedding photo to "share" with the "family", and his saying he has no family he cares to remember, think about this. Following the yarn of who Brad is or isn't will only leave you deeply unsatisfied and angry and potentially alcoholic, not to mention nauseated and mistrustful of all mankind everywhere. After all, who would want their own daughter snooping on them? Who doesn't have family they wish was dead or is already dead and never mattered? Who had the bisexual uncle that tried to lure a young boy into that lifestyle before he was capable of making his own decisions? Who had the aunt who cut them with a butter knife and still has the scares to prove it?

Who in their right mind would say, as Victoria told Brad, "maybe it's time to reconnect with them" when such reconnect would only dredge up horrific memories of a time better forgotten?

Anchors Aweigh!

June 14, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Unless you are the, um, 'Decider', the 'commander' of a government that led your country into a war based on lies, it's probably safe to say that if you're going to lie the lie should be somewhat believable. And since it seems clear that everything about Brad Carlton is a lie it's also safe to say that when he said today he spent two years in the Navy, that's a lie too.

Not that it would make any difference to Victoria Carlton. All she knows about her new husband is that Brad would have made a great male model and isn't too shabby in bed. She wouldn't know that back when Brad supposedly joined the Navy, as may be so today, there was no such thing as a two year hitch in the Navy. There were three year enlistments in the Army, but if Brad had wanted to be a sailor boy, or a fly boy, or a jarhead he would have had to sign up for four years.

"I spent a couple of years in the Navy, "Brad explained after Victoria found his old uniform in the moth-balled pile of clothing she was going through while taking over the master bedroom closet. The monkey suit, with the nametag 'B Carlton' on it was suspect too as initials on nametags were unheard of when this reporter was, really, in the Army from 1962-65. It is further unlikely that my old Army uniform from back then would fit as nicely as Brad's did. Trying it on, because it made Victoria horny, the uniform appeared to have been tailor made for Brad, oh, just last month when it was decided to start putting Brad's history together.

And as she cooed, Victoria let Brad know that as her new hubby, "I want to know all about you."

Excuse me for being so picky, but shouldn't Victoria have known all about Brad before she married him? Do people get married simply because one looks hot in a pair of Speedos or has a hairless chest? Silly me, this is Genoa City where people fall in and out of love like rabid rabbits. This is Genoa City where people give strangers the most intimate details of their pointless lives but can't be bothered to find out much about them before rushing to the Chapel of Love.

So why did Brad select the Navy?

Seems a recruiter talked him into it. Told him he see the World and as far as he got from Cleveland, Ohio, was the flipping Philippines! Please, no email about the flippant remark. I make these statements just to piss off the sheep. I ask questions like why African-American women in this pitiful city can't do better when they're shopping for men than white boys because I wonder why a hot enough looking chick like Carmen Mesta would settle for Jack Abbott. I mean, shouldn't Carmen have a black stallion in her New York stable waiting for her? I understand women who come to Genoa City have this need to spread their legs, but wouldn't the Magic Hitachi be better than Jack's used-up phallus?

So why only two years in the Navy for Brad? Why didn't he make a career of it? Because in the Navy semen Carlton couldn't have become Admiral Carlton? He liked the Navy, but Brad said he couldn't see himself saluting people and taking orders. When the two years ran out - so did he.

Oh, my. Brad joined the Navy to see the World and two years later was back in Cleveland? Quite a "rebel", don't you think. Victoria thought so she said as much. She even had at her disposal a copy of the the Andrew Sisters singing the Boogie Woogie Boy of Company B. Hey, Victoria! I hate to tell you this, but that song ain't about the Navy.

Least we forget the important part as to why Brad went sailing, "I'm proud that I served my country," he boasted and please, we beg the soap gods, if anyone finds out, if Victoria starts bragging that her man was in the Navy, don't let them them thank Brad for his service to the country. There's already enough jingoism to go around.

There's already enough swill flying from Brad's mouth to wit: "There is only one woman for me [and] her name is Victoria" and being regurgitated by Victoria who bats her eyes and says, "That's my name too" before stripping off her wet panties so that Brad could weigh his anchor.

Will the Real Brad Carlton Please Stand Up?

May 10, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Officially pronounced man and wife, check that, husband and wife to be politically correct, Victoria Newman is now Mrs. Brad Carlton. The knot was tied Wednesday at the Chapel of Love before none other than God himself although personally, I didn't see Him anywhere. Can't blame God if He wasn't. He keeps blessing these people, bestowing miracles upon them, and what do they do? Break every damn commandment on the slab, that's what.

Not that its commanded that the bride wear white, Victoria choose it as the color of her wedding gown so as to give the impression she's a lily white virgin. Nothing could be further from the truth.

No sooner had the bonds of Holy matrimony been joined, but what things began to unravel. The moment Victor Newman finished making another of his infamous speeches about family values damn but what his son announced that his marriage to Sharon Newman was on the rocks and that he, Nick, would be moving off the Ponderosa. Then, as Victor's chess was still puffed out from having given the bride away so as to "protect" Victoria like he'd protected Nikki, Nick was seen sucking around the home wrecker, Phyllis Summers, who later received notice that she's pregnant most likely with Nick's baby. And like they say, bad things happen in threes.

For at that very moment the Hardy Boys, otherwise known as Mutt and Jeff, the clueless dinkwad and the hunkmonkey who pretend to be private detectives, were meeting at the Sugar Shack where J.T. Hellstrom was having second thoughts about ever agreeing to dig up dirt on Brad for Victor. Blinded by the glare of his silver briefcase, J.T. got a lecture from Paul Williams on credibility. No PI worth his salt abandons his moral obligations. J.T. said he'd dig dirt so he better damn well get digging. J.T. didn't see it that way. Why dig when there are others to do the digging for you like when Paul dug up that mysterious envelope last year said to contain information on Brad? Granted, Paul never opened the envelope, so why talk about it now?

Like any PI looking for clues would, J.T. questioned Paul's wishing now that he had opened the envelope.

"You don't think there's anything in those files do you?" J.T. asked, because, well, according to J.T., "Everything else has been a dead end."

It was truly amazing that while Paul was lecturing he didn't give J.T. a basic lesson in Detecting 101 except to say, "This [the envelope] could be the lead you've been waiting for."

"If it's not, can I tell Victor that Brad is clean?" J.T. fired back.

Even Paul, his middle name Clueless and for good reason, couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Of course not!" he growled, only to have what little intelligence he has insulted when J.T. added that Victor has told him repeatedly that if he really cares for Brad's daughter, he'll want to know the truth about Brad.

So how can J.T. know the truth if he doesn't seek it out? Do what J.T. always does. Say he doesn't want to investigate Brad, say Brad doesn't have anything to hide and then say Brad must be hiding something.

As I've reported so many times, watching these two solve a case is like watching the blind lead the blind. Frick and Frack - detectives at large. Giving out J.T.'s home address to delivery people because Paul's office amounts to a broom closet buried inside the bowels of a law office.

Yup. It was UPS with another envelope from Cleveland that this time Paul opened. Glory be, what a lucky break! Who knew that the State of Ohio keeps, and makes public to anyone who asks, the juvenile records of its citizens including not one, but two Brad Carlton's one of whom had gotten into trouble with the law as a kid.

Holy delinquency Bat Man!

Could it be there are two Brad Carlton's in all of Chicago? Cleveland is "a big town" J.T. actually said as Paul, always one to get those valuable credit card numbers from his operatives in the field, said it would be easy to find out for he, Paul, could check the Social Security numbers. If, as Paul suspected, the real Brad Carlton is who he said he is, it means the other Brad Carlton, the one living in Genoa City all these years with the same social, isn't who he says he is! Now all that remains is for Frick and Frack to set up a sting. Invite both Brad's to appear on a TV game show and when the contestants have taken their seats, when they've been questioned by the celebrity panel starring Leanna Love, ask, "Would the real Brad Carlton please stand up?"

Big Bucks for Young Bucks

April 10, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Isn't there an old saying be careful what you wish for because you just may get it? I pose the question because Victor Newman is so hell-bent on digging into Brad Carlton's past I was thinking, wow, what if what he finds out isn't what he expected? You know how it is in Genoa City. Whenever someone hates someone with a passion like Victor does, the person being hated often winds up being part of the family. In this particular case, I'm talking about immediate family. As in Brad being one of Victor's many bastard sons. Wouldn't that be a kick in Victor's head?

Not that Victor will learn anything soon. He's got J.T. Hellstrom digging up the dirt on Brad. Here's a boob, a hunkmonkey to be exact, who just may be more clueless than his mentor, Paul Williams. While looking over a folder given to him by the great man, and told it was mostly background stuff, Hellstom quipped, "Want me to dig deeper?"

"No, you freak! Just hang around my office in case I get desperate for sex. Pretty boys really turn me on," Victor did not say, but you know, should have given Hellstrom's stupidity. Of course, Victor wanted him to dig deeper. But when he remembered that Hellstrom has this thing for young girls, and will soon be hooked up with Carlton's daughter again, he had second thoughts until Hellstrom told him not to worry about Colleen Carton until they reach that bridge.

Victor's primary concern, that his daughter plans to marry Carlton and he needs to know more about the former hedgeclipper's past, clouded his judgment. Victor didn't think how odd it was that Hellstrom would say it's easy to find out where Carlton went to school, or that he can find that out himself for free. Nor did Victor think, "Jesus, this kid is dumb" when Hellstrom asked why Victor had said "I certainly hope so" when Hellstrom asked, "Why did you say it like that?"

Victor's only response was that Carlton has been in Genoa City for a long time, has always used women to advance his career, and none of those women have ever inquired as to Carlton's background before marrying him. In fact, nobody has ever thought it strange that for all the weddings he's been the groom at, Carlton not once invited members of his family to attend the event.

It's not that Carlton was hatched from an egg and doesn't have a human family, it's that he was never "close" to his kin. To her credit, however, the thought of Carlton's unknown past did cross Victoria Newman's warped mind. At least, briefly. While making out a guest list it occurred to her that Carlton had said earlier he didn't want to invite anyone he knows. Not family, not old school chums. Victoria was dismayed. She said she'd like to meet his family, but when the bad vibes Carlton was hurling at her started stinging, backed away only to flip-flop. It would be nice if she knew a little something about him before they get married.

When Carlton said she'd have to read about it in his autobiography, Victoria pressed for just a hint of something from his past. What she got was some song and dance about his wanting as a kid, a bike. His family didn't have the money to buy him one so he entered a contest in which a bike was first prize. Alas, Carlton didn't win the bike; the neighbor's kid did! And lucky Brad, the kid let him ride it once.

It goes without saying that Victor's employing Hellstrom to dig up the dirt on Brad is beyond reproach. A man of Victor's means, given that his daughter's marriage is right around the corner, would have hired a real private eye. That's why I'm thinking Victor wants the boy for other reasons. When they get to be Victor's age, when they rise to the level of congressmen and senators and homeland security officials, men like Victor go after young meat. They don't employ hunkmonkeys so dumb they carry sensitive data around in their backpacks. And why, pray tell, is anyone other than a school boy wearing a backpack? Haven't they heard? Silver aluminum brief cases are all the rage.

And it's not just Hellstrom who Victor is after. He seemed overly excited today about the possibility of bringing Daniel Romalotti into his harem. Yes, little Danny boy. The newlywed, whose wife said they wouldn't be taking handouts, is being considered for a cherry-picked job at Newman Enterprises. He'd be a fool not to take it. Daddy Warbucks probably pays big bucks for sex with young bucks.

Money Can't Buy You Love

March 10, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

If someone is trying to convince me that money can't buy love they can just stop it. I got the message twenty years ago. I understood then like I do now that no matter how much money the rich and famous in Genoa City have, no matter how many men and women they sleep with, nothing can make them happy.

Consider how nice it is having the option of quitting your job if doing so will make someone you love agree to marry you. No need to have another job lined up, just quit because you've got more money that you'll ever be able to spend. One might say, why work at all? Well, because. If you're like the elite and snobbish folks living in Genoa City you need a reason to justify your existence. When you're not stealing sperm or committing any number of crimes you'll need something to fall back on.

What I've never been able to figure out is why, for all the women and men these freaks lust after, for all their spewing how much they need each other, do their relationships fall apart so quickly? Why are they constantly going after the same men and women?

Take Brad Carlton for example. Have you lost track of the women this creep has wanted, has obtained and then dumped or been dumped? There's the 16-year-old Lisa Mansfield, Traci Abbott, Ashley Abbott, he wanted to marry Nikki Newman, masturbated while thinking of Sharon Newman and now he wants Victoria Newman and surely there's someone I missed, like the rich woman who made it possible for Brad to stop being the Abbott pool boy and hedge clipper.

When you examine the women Brad has married or had sex with or had impure thoughts about they too have done the same with people usually those with the same surname. And the amount of marriages is ungodly. Victoria Newman married, what, three times so far? Nikki Newman ten? Victor Newman thirty? Jack Abbott, John Abbott, you pick the person and they've either been married more than once or they've been estranged because no matter how much money they have, they just can't hold a relationship together.

The sloppy seconds is extraordinary. If it's not Kevin Fisher in line for J.T. Hellstrom's throwaways, it's Michael Baldwin waiting for Paul Williams to throwaway that hag, Lauren Fenmore a woman who hasn't even noticed that her son, a son she was so proud of just a few months ago, is missing? Exactly where did Scotty Grainger go? Does Lauren know? Does Scotty know?

Why are these people so desperate? Why is J.T. getting some of Brad's action and sucking around for more? Why does Nikki think it's so cute that her daughter is bringing the "boy toy" home? It's okay to say it, Nikki. J.T. is a hunkmonkey. He isn't a boy toy. That's something Jill Abbott has, speaking of which, look at Jill's history with men. How long has it been seen someone nailed her and how she's getting along with not getting any for so long? Is the Magic Hitachi that pleasurable?

Look at Katherine Sterling. This woman has been on her back so often she's all hobbled over now.

Look at Victor. Here's a man with so many women under his belt he'd be arrested in Utah.

I could, but I won't go on. It's Friday and God knows I need a couple of days away from this madness. Still, I wanted to say how pathetic is it, that for all the men and women there must be in Genoa City, Brad, Sharon, Jack, you name it, keep going back to the same old, tired dogs. Maybe it's true what they say: you can put lipstick on a pig but it's still a pig.

See also: Victoria Newman Sharon Newman J.T. Hellstrom

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