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Nitwits Reinstated at Newman Empire, New Wreck Center Proposed!

May 15, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

I don't get it. Exactly two weeks to the day Victor Newman, said to be the most powerful businessman in all of Genoa City, ousted his inept children from power at the Newman Empire and probably watched Newman Enterprises stock go through the roof. Then today he turned around and reinstated Nick and Victoria Newman to their previous roles as corporate hacks.

I mean, Jesus, the great man come face-to-face with his wife's death, he wanted to do something to appease the old cow so that Nikki Newman won't join the mutiny his kids had planned, but putting two numbskulls back in power so they can better rip him off? Where's the logic in that?

Victor must have an ulterior motive for what he's done. He always does, but still, in a real city, in the real world, wouldn't stockholders be throwing fits? I'm guessing NE stock, at its high point, was somewhere around $50 a share. Over the years, most recently when Victor was charged with and confessed to a crime, that stock surely would have dropped. When Nick was put in place for something like the third time as CEO, the stock had to have a dropped again and then to $1 when Victoria, with no experience running anything more than Rash & Sassy, once a cosmetics division of NE but not spoken of since Safra was all the rage, took over as CEO.

Plus, it must be asked again, why is NE dealing in cosmetics at all? Isn't NE a commercial real estate company - or something - that is forever gobbling up smaller companies? Why dabble in widgets when real estate is more lucrative?

While Nick and Victoria are happy with this flip-flop, one man isn't. Neil Winters, Victor's loyal slave all these years, was outraged. Here Neil thought he and Victor were going to be running the show and now those nitwits are back. Not that Nick and Victoria ever left the company, they were allowed to roam the halls at NE as though nothing had changed. Neil was so bent he had to ask whether there's a future for him at the empire and told he still gets to control Newman's latest acquisition, wasn't so sure when Brad Carlton, now an official member of the Newman family, said Neil will have his job only so long as Brad lets him.

Neil should have thrown the stinking towel in Brad's face right then and there. He should have told Victor to take his job and shove it were it not for the fact that Neil knows his place. He may have restrained himself for his wife's sake, but with fellow employee Dru Winters not the same woman he married, why bother? Why should Neil care that Dru, with zero education, would most likely have her ass kicked out the Newman door once he leaves? Because Dru needs money to support her lavish lifestyle? Their adopted, eighteen year old son who is supposedly going to college? Their married daughter who seems happy being a housewife and worked all of one day at a trinket shop and who has no apparent interest in furthering her education needs a sugar-daddy or mommy to fall back on?

It's one thing watching Neil lick Victor's boots, but groveling at the feet on that worm, Brad? The later is beneath even Neil.

If there's anything funny about how all this came down, how word of the Newman kids reinstatement traveled so fast, it was Victor's telling Jack Abbott that he, Jack, should humble himself and, in addition to kissing Andrew Gibson's ass, build a wreck center like Victor did!

What a hoot! What a moron! Or maybe not.

Considering Genoa City is so big it can support two toxic cosmetics companies, but whenever a real doctor is needed one or mores must be flown in from Switzerland, or whenever a PR specialist - whose claim to fame is to send out press releases as a means to shut down a boycott - one must be summoned from New York, there must be room for another wreck center in this godforsaken place.

Can't you already see it? Jack looking around for an old paint factory? His taking homeless kids off the street? His new daughter, or is that Nick's, visiting him at the center after school and making clay horses for him? Or, how about a hunkmonkey finding a ring in the grave on the property containing the bones of Sasha Green or someone Phyllis Summers killed when she was five?

Isn't it about time? Isn't there enough room for another Wreck Center? Isn't it possible that by May of 2007 Jack and Phyllis will adopt a black kid? May is, after all, National Foster Care Awareness Month.

A Bug in the Boardroom or Bats in the Belfry?

May 5, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

With the arrival of Friday and looking forward to the weekend the one article I thought I'd write today would be a recap of the latest events surrounding the Jabot Cosmetics wrongful death lawsuit. At the outset this was an easy task, but now it's become so contrived who among us can sort it all out? Where this case got derailed, I think, was when Jabot's President, and top skunk oil sniffer, Ashley Abbott asked District Attorney Will Bardwell how it is that someone could plant stories in the Press when at that very moment Abbott's brother, the "face" of Jabot, Jack Abbott was planting stories in the Press and Jabot's two-faced lawyer, Michael Baldwin, was urging new again Jabot webmaster Phyllis Summers Abbott to plant stories on the Internet.

And then there was Kevin Fisher, the son of Jabot employee and proxy holder Gloria Fisher-Abbott, getting into Jack's office, getting the computer there to dial into the computer in the Jabot boardroom where a private meeting was taking place. Not only was Kevin able to 'bug' the place, he recorded the conversation, put the audio on CD, took the CD to the coffee shop he owns and sent the data out on the Internet where it soon appeared on some website for the world to hear. Late this week not only was Jack's conversation on the web, cable talk show host Leanna Love aired it on her new show "Lowdown".

The real low down came when Jack threw a hissy fit and Ashley said the airing made him some more "heartless" than usual. I mean, consider the facts as we know them. Leanna Love is on cable access. Nobody in the real world, well, let's say maybe ten people, ever watches anything on cable access. Except this is Genoa City. Here, during those rare times the rarely seen televisions are turned on, everyone it seems is watching cable access especially busy executives and desperate housewives.

Whining that his words were "twisted", the twisted Jack was plotting how he would next twist the words of Andrew Gibson and generally smear the Gibson family name. He also couldn't understand how anyone could have recorded his most private conversations in that Jabot board meetings are never recorded. Jack's statement made Baldwin squirm.

"There's a bug in the boardroom," Michael hacked, as Ashley said aloud, "Who would do that?"

"Gibson and his sleazy attorney!" Jack hollered back, as Ashley added it doesn't matter now that "the damage has been done" and Jack's own sleazy attorney was on the phone with Leanna trying to get her to kill the story which, as the incredible talk show slime she is, agreed to not only do that but she'll have her webmaster take the incriminating evidence off her website.

Right about now you might be saying, "Wow, this is loony stuff" and you would be right even if you hadn't known that Jack or Ashley or Michael or someone had called in make-believe private detective J.T. Hellstrom to sweep the boardroom for bugs! While J.T. was sweeping away he overheard Michael's conversation with Leanna and like a Kevin jail party, threw a wet blanket on the situation. Once junk is posted on the Internet it never goes away. From this day forward, whenever anyone Googles Jabot that audio is going to come up. It's true! Ashley said said so too.

Not to worry though. Despite J.T.'s downer, Michael said he'll get the audio and the story and anything bad about Jabot pulled from the net. This should have pleased Ashley immensely except that she, as usual, was stuck on stupid.

"The damage has been done," she yapped again.

As if this nonsense weren't already beyond convoluted, Jack just had to ask J.T. how it could have happened. How could anyone have bugged the boardroom even though J.T. had not found a single bug. J.T. didn't know for sure, but he did have a theory. Whoever bugged the place would have had to have been in the building! Why is that? Why do intelligent people know that the CIA and the FBI and Homeland Security can bug places without ever going inside?

According to J.T., listening devices are expensive!

Besides that, J.T. said in order to find out who bugged the place they'd need "a lead". Moreover, the person who bugged the place would have to be "bright". Your average dummy, say a coffee shop owner, would never have the smarts required to tap into a computer phone line much less know how to operate a computer's CD burner.

These moronic statements perked Ashley up. She mumbled something to the effect that a bright person would have been smart enough not to leave evidence behind which in turn triggered something in Jack's warped mind. For someone who didn't understand anything, Jack said he may know who did it and he wasn't deterred by Michael's assertion he didn't have any proof.

Then it was Ashley's turn. For a dumb bitch who had said twice it didn't matter because the damage had been done, she knew how Jack's words got out. He was talking to a reporter on his computer and must have left the computer on! But following a check, Jack said, no, pushing the ball back into J.T.'s court who came up with the perfect solution. He'll ask his boss!

Oh god, if there's one person in Genoa City who doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground, it's PI Paul Williams. Here's a dork who hours before said they should wait for Mr. Gibson to make his next move before Jack makes his. Not that Jack could have made a move had Williams approved it, Jabot owner Katherine Sterling walked in at that moment to say she was withdrawing her earlier okay for Jack to do whatever it takes to clean the Jabot mess up.

But did Jack listen? Did CEO Jill Abbott who was with Sterling at the time assert herself as CEO or say she's the one who should be putting out the fires? Hell no! Jack later acted like he hadn't heard a word Sterling said when he spilled his guts to a reporter and libeled Gibson for sure this time by claiming "Gibson was drunk the night his wife got food poisoning."

And what would Gibson's sobriety, or lack of, have to do with the price of rice in China? According to Jack, if Gibson hadn't been drunk he could have gotten his wife to the hospital sooner which may have saved Emma Gibson from allegedly dying of food poisoning.

Open for Business

May 4, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

In a previous business report I mentioned how amazing it is that two of Genoa City's largest companies have remained in business for so long considering they are run by the most inept people the world has ever known. Also today, as in the past, I'm asking myself, who, besides the people working at Newman Enterprises and Jabot Cosmetics, owns stock in these firms? Why do they continue to invest? Does the $1 per share price have anything to do with it?

Consider the executives for a moment. As if it wasn't bad enough that NE CEO Victor Newman reinforced his decision to keep Brad Carlton employed knowing what a risk Brad is, Brad himself returned to the great man's office on Wednesday to demand that Victor reinstate Victoria Newman as CEO or he, Brad, would quit. Instead of jumping at the chance to rid himself of some very excess dead weight, Victor merely acted surprised that Brad would sacrifice his career for his, Victor's, daughter.

"She's doing a hell of a job," Brad said of Victoria, who just the other day was sacked as CEO because she wasn't, apparently, doing a good job.

Brad's real issue was with how marrying a woman scorned by her own father will affect his marriage to Victoria and Victor, always one step ahead of Brad, said he understands the advantages of marrying the boss' daughter. Once Brad has his hands on the family jewels he'll go for the gold, so to speak.

Brad was appalled. How dare Victor suggest such a thing? Why, he loves Victoria for her intellect and her, um, well, give him a minute, he'll think of something. In the meantime, how about it you old fart? Give Victoria the CEO job back and go tell her I'm leaving the company. Is that a deal - or what?

Victor practically laughed in Brad's face. No wonder the best job he could get was scrubbing pools and clipping hedges before marrying into the Abbott fortune. Why, if Victor had a mind too, he could kick Brad's ass out right then and there. Why make any deal?

Brad was crushed. Isn't Victor's hate for him stronger than the love for his own daughter? Guess not. But Brad will show him. He'll marry Victoria and then Victor will be sorry. Think about it you old coot. Victoria, Abby and Brad, one big, happy family. Isn't that enough to make any colon clench? Oh, wait! Not so long ago it was Ashley, Abby and Brad, one big, happy family. It didn't phase Victor then, so why should changing one name phase him now?

Brad was further humiliated when Victor all but thanked him for bringing up Abby's name. "I have certain rights where Abby is concerned and I intend to make use of those rights," he seethed, as a reminder that leaving Abby is the custody of Ashley and Brad is like leaving a rat with two snakes.

The conversation, pointless as it was except to show what a moron Brad is, should have reminded Victor that weeks ago he hired J.T. Hellstrom to dig up the dirt in Carlton's past. So what has J.T. been doing? Attending "shed" warming parties and wasting time shopping for key chains.

That's why I say: With so many idiots pretending to be businessmen and private investigators it's a wonder the companies they work for and operate are still in business.

Another example is the "face" of Jabot, Jack Abbott, running to the Walrus State Prison every other week to apprise his incarcerated pappy as to Jabot's very black public eye when, for all Jack or John Abbott ever talk about, could be said on the telephone and at huge savings on Jack's Shell Oil credit card.

Worried that the public will see Jabot as "running scared" if it doesn't fight allegations that one of Jabot's toxic chemicals caused the death of a woman, given what Jack told the old man, John didn't know anymore than he did before Jack arrived. Jack did, however, receive John's blessing to do whatever it takes to get Jabot out of the mess it's in. Whatever, in this case, usually means hiring Paul Williams and/or Michael Baldwin to do Jabot's dirty work.

Again, here we have a case of a company hiring rookies to perform work best left to professionals as evidenced by Jack having to ask Paul whether he's in or he's out when all along Paul was supposedly in. Not that by looking at, or listening to Paul anyone would get the impression he has any idea what he's doing, after being summoned to the Abbott Hotel on Wednesday, Paul asked, "Is that why you called me?"

Strange as it was, Jack had to explain himself to Paul. He had to tell the clueless one that he has Daddy's gold seal of approval which was important because Paul had gotten the impression that Daddy's faux daughter, Ashley Abbott wasn't on the same page. Reassured that the big man in prison put out the hit, Paul agreed to get all the dirt he can on the man who filed the wrongful death suit against Jabot. But the more he thought about actually having to work, Paul asked if maybe they shouldn't sit back and wait until Andrew Gibson makes his next move.

Appalled, Jack reminded Paul, "I'm calling the shots".

Drinking shots is more like it. It is, in a word, embarrassing, that the blind lead the blind like they do and still stay in business.

The Tangled Web

May 2, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

What would Jabot Cosmetics and Gloria Fisher and anyone who has ever been sick or needed to spin their lies do without the Internet? Think about it. The first time the importance of the net surfaced in this city was way back when the Glow Worms did those "live" feeds from the Abbott pool. Web surfers were glued to their computers for hours on end as a pack of teens smeared goop all over their zit-ridden bodies and pulled parts of swimsuits out of their butts.

Jabot sales skyrocketed, webmasters reported massive "hits" even though, back then, they had no idea what a "hit" was or that a million hits does not represent a million visitors to their websites. When the Worms crawled under their rocks the mood swung. Without voyeurism, people turned to the Internet to solve their medical problems. Raul Guittierez searched for information on Diabetes as Ashley Carlton sought a cure to breast cancer. The mood changed again when the cosmetics war broke out. Who can forget the bank of computers delivered to Newman Enterprises and Jabot so that executives from said companies could track nationwide sales in real time?

In 2006 we've seen how the Internet can be used to spread lies. Gloria Abbott not only got the local newspaper to published a negative report about her own company, but the Chronicle put the report on its web site too! Gloria was so stoked when she heard she had youngest son Kevin Fisher track how the story was playing.

With that bogus story making the rounds, the "face" of Jabot, Jack Abbott this week called in a few favors from his reporter pals and by the time you read this Jabot's side of Gloria's story will have appeared in the Chronicle to, as Jack said, "counter" any negative thoughts Jabot customers might be thinking. Jack is so convinced he told former step-mommy Jill Abbott he'd "bet" on Andrew Gibson changing his mind and accepting the wrongful death lawsuit settlement offer presented by Jabot.

In a related development, Gloria was privy to Abbott's entire conversation thanks to Kevin's ability to have one computer call another and without anyone having to tap a key was about to send that conversation directly to Gloria's ears. Better yet, Kevin informed his mother that the conversation was being recorded. Somewhat orgasmic, Gloria saw the chance to plant another bogus story on the Internet. Only this time the story won't be on the Chronicle's website. Unless, that is, Kevin is also so skilled he can, as Gloria wants, use Jack's own words against him.

And sure enough. Not only was Kevin able to get out of Jabot without being seen, he arrived later at the Jitter Joint with a CD on which he had either recorded Jack's conversation, the text of the conversation, a story Kevin wrote on a computer right there at Jabot, or all three! A few key punches and presto - the lies were being spun in cyberspace.

Now, a computer illiterate might think, gosh, Jabot is doomed, isn't it?

Hell no!

At that very moment Jabot's corporation lawyer, the greatest divorce attorney Genoa City has ever seen, Michael Baldwin was asking webmaster Phyllis Summers, now a Jabot employee, if she might spin Jabot's side of the story on the Internet too. Baldwin didn't have to ask because - and who knew - Summers says she's been doing that all along!

My, my, but what a tangled web they weave, when they think people are naive.

Jabot Payoff Story Hits Internet

May 1, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

I hate redundancy, but I must say again how amazing it is that certain business organizations in Genoa City have survived for so long. Take Newman Enterprises for example. Here's a company under the direction of so many CEOs over the past few years it takes a scorecard to keep track. There was the barely educated CEO Nick Newman ousted by his father Victor who later put Nick, and his equally inexperienced sister, in place as co-CEOs when Victor went into semi-retirement. And when it turned out the kids couldn't get along in the sandbox together, Victoria Newman took complete control until just last week when she too was relieved of her duties for spending too much company time on personal business.

Out of semi-retirement, Victor regained control of the empire and one of the first things he did was to call division head Brad Carlton on the carpet to ask what Brad would do with Brad if Brad was Victor. This was a concern to Victor because historically Brad has tried to overthrow him. As a general rule Brad can't stand Victor's guts. Still, with Victor's approval, Brad wormed his way back into the company of which he now owns stock.

It was no surprise then that while behind Victor's back Brad joined Nick's newest conspiracy to take Victor down, Brad said he sees himself as an asset to the company and Victor agreed letting him off with a "I'll be keeping my eye on you" warning.

Across town, Jabot Cosmetics, in direct competition with Newman's cosmetics division, is being helped by Victor. The great man wants Jabot to sell its products in his wife's wellness spas as soon as the chain called NV is up and running. Always teetering on the edge of financial failure, Jabot was sued for $35-million last week in connection with a wrongful death case. When the media ran with the story it opened the eyes of Jabot's controlling owner Katherine Chancellor Sterling who now sees the firm's troubles are due to poor management. Subsequently, Sterling has indicated she may remove Jabot's "face" from the equation not so much because, as CEO of Chancellor Industries Jack Abbott has never done an iota of work at CE, but because Jack is like a much needed root canal.

Meantime, with regard to Jabot's legal mess, corporation counsel Michael Baldwin said today that when he tried buying the victim's husband off, he erred by dealing directly with Andrew Gibson even though Gibson is represented by attorney Alana Stevenson.

"Considering his [Gibson's] emotional state it might have been a mistake dealing with the bereaved husband," Baldwin said, adding too that a lawyer he's never worked with or apparently ever met until last week, Stevenson "is a practical-minded attorney" and therefore most likely to accept Jabot's settlement offer said to be in excess of $35-million.

What none of the players knew at the time of this report was that Gloria Abbott, Jabot's newest employee, proxy holder and the person who put cleaning solvent in the chemical Mrs. Gibson applied to her skin and eventually died, arranged to have a scathing article about the death published in the Chronicle, one of Genoa City's biggest newspapers.

The article slugged 'Dead Woman's Husband Says Jack Abbott Is Trying To Buy His Silence', although somewhat true, was mostly flawed. The Chronicle made no attempt to obtain Abbott's side of the story and while he was furious, Abbott seemed to care less that he'd been libeled.

As Abbott and his sister tried putting out another fire by calling reporters and TV stations presumably to ask they spin the story in Jabot's favor and Baldwin was instructed to contact Jabot's insurance company, Mrs. Abbott had a greater interest: how was her bogus story playing on the Internet?

The Internet? So much for Jack saying he was going to keep Gibson's story out of the tabloids and off the talk show circuit.

A click here, a click there, was all it took to bring a smile to Mrs. Abbott's face. Her story had made all the websites. The New York Times, Washington Post, everywhere! And, as luck would have it, just as she was checking the Wall Street Journal a call came in from her son.

Yes, the busy Kevin Fisher, had managed to slither undetected into Jabot, up on the executive floor and into Jack's office where he was able to tap into the computer so that from her vantage point at the Abbott Hotel, Mrs. Abbott could hear every word being said in the boardroom where Mrs. Sterling held an impromptu meeting on Jack's future at Jabot.

With so much implausibility is there any wonder so many companies in this city are in such dire straights?

Tabloids and Talk Shows

April 26, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

If you don't laugh, you'll cry. That's what I tell myself whenever Jack Abbott is flapping his gums and making absolutely no sense with his notion that each time he, members of his family and that toxic chemical company they mismanage are on the hot seat, the Press will hound them to no end. For as often as the Abbotts and Jabot have been in trouble, for all their high crimes and misdemeanors, what little interest the Press has shown has never made a wit of difference.

On Wednesday Jack was at it again; making an ass of himself; worried that the tabloids and the talk shows will take the Emma Gibson story and run Jabot and the Abbotts into the ground with it. His latest worry came on the heels of the wrongful death suit filed by Gibson's husband. Seeking thirty-five million dollars in damages, Gibson wants Jabot to pay for mass producing a toxic moisturizer alleged to have caused his wife's death.

"It's the age we live in," Jack hacked, as he implied lawsuits are mostly frivolous and that he would never do such a thing. Just as guilty, if not for concocting Glow Again, then for stealing a man's sperm and the litany of other crimes she's gotten away with, Ashley Carlton indicated today that since the District Attorney hasn't filed criminal charges against Jabot, they are pretty much off the hook. To be sure, Jack ordered special corporation counsel Michael Baldwin to offer Gibson more than $35 million to make the case go away and at the same time make potentially bad publicity disappear.

"The tabloids will get this! Gibson's lawyer will get him on talk shows!" Jack squawked, as Ashley saw the tabloids and talk shows a way for Jabot to get its side of the story out. Besides, buying Gibson off too early might be seen as an admission of guilt. Baldwin agreed. As basically a divorce lawyer he's seen the bad things that happen when snap decisions are made.

"You work for us. I want this done now!" Jack objected, and like the loyal lapdog he is, Baldwin did as he was told.

In the blink of an eye Baldwin managed to arrange a meeting with not only Gibson's lawyer, but with Gibson himself. But when Baldwin said Gibson would have to sign a waiver agreeing that Jabot is not responsible for his wife's demise, Gibson stormed out of the meeting.

In a related development, at least one person was seeing the light. Katherine Sterling, controlling owner of Jabot, surmised that the time has come for new management at the firm. Jack is, in so many words and so many ways, incompetent. Unfortunately, Sterling indicated that any decision to replace Jack would have to come from the Chancellor Industries Board of Directors.

Additionally, for a woman so close to joining her husband behind bars, Gloria Abbott said again today that Jack and Ashley shouldn't be running Jabot. She told them as much to their faces, said paying Gibson off is a bad idea and that they can't just buy their way out of problems and then go on living their meaningless lives pretending nothing happened.

As for Mrs. Gibson, Gloria said she's been "grieving" for the woman and that she's not "a cold unfeeling bitch" some make her out to be.

Ship of Fools

April 21, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

After 20+ years of following the events in Genoa City I've heard some stupid things, but none quite so stupid as today. At the top of the short list is Victor Newman's decision to put competing products into his wife's wellness spas and the damn things aren't even open yet! There was a grand press conference recently to announce the overall project, but not a single store has even built that I know of.

Besides Victor's lame-brain idea, designed to help his lovely Ashley Abbott save that miserable cosmetics company she and her brother mismanage, a busier than a one-arm paperhanger Nikki Newman was fretting she doesn't have any help now that her right-hand bitch, Phyllis Summers has gone back to Jabot. Victor told her again he can't have liabilities working at Newman Enterprises and, in case Nikki forgot, Phyllis made their son have sex with her. Moreover, Victor said on those rare occasions when Phyllis bothered coming to work she was often late and distracted.

Not that it mattered to Nikki, she wasn't bothered by Phyllis' poor job performance so much as she was that Victor made "firing" Phyllis a "personal" matter, which, as anyone will recall, Neil Winters once said Victor never mixes business with pleasure. Nikki added if Victor is so bent over Phyllis destroying their son's marriage, why isn't he equally concerned about the destruction of her wellness spas? It's not like she has a cadre of employees. Hell, she doesn't have one store up and running.

Victor's solution to Nikki's problem was that she hire somebody to take Phyllis' place and Nikki, confused and way in over her head, was at a loss. Who? Who could possibly replace an ignorant, uneducated woman like Phyllis whose only claim to fame is that she's, "an internet expert"?

Oh yes, it's true. Ashley said so herself. Said it plain as day when she did not object in the least that Phyllis was already back in her old office a Jabot making calls to her lover. "We need an Internet expert", Ashley actually said, and so it came to pass there was not so much as a hint of objection to this home-wrecking bitch being back in their midst so long as Jack Abbott is pleased and Ashley has an expert to save her freaking, toxic, at the point of financial ruin again, company.

Even Katherine Sterling, new owner of Jabot, didn't object. Mind numbing as it was, when Katherine spotted Phyllis at Jabot she asked, "Mind if I ask what you're doing here?" And when Phyllis replied, "I'm working here again", Katherine said, oh, she doesn't mind at all. Katherine was somewhat surprised as she thought Phyllis was working with Nikki, but when Phyllis said she doesn't like taking orders from old, fart-smelling men and that she'd rather be helping Jabot because she thrives on challenge and it has nothing to do with sucking Jack off again, Katherine said, oh, that's nice. Welcome back.

Getting back to Nikki's business skills - so pitiful she doesn't know that all she'd have to do is drop by the Jitter Joint and pick up some high school kid looking for a big break - it was truly amazing that before Victor reamed her out, and said he expects his executives to give 100% 24/7 and had she got that, was the phone conversation she had with Phyllis concerning NV's marketing plan.

Nikki: "What about our gross projections for next year?"
Phyllis: "They should be good to go."
Nikki: "What about our products and services lists?"
Phyllis: "They should be adjusted down a bit."
Nikki: "What about the logo?"

What the hell? I mean, Jesus! Gross projections for the next year? How about for the current year? How about getting at least one store open and see how it does before you project outward?

"Good to go"? "Should be"? What the hell does that mean?

And they haven't come up with a products and services list yet? Just what were they thinking? Oh, we'll open a spa and people will just flock to it?

And what does "adjusted down a bit" mean?

Instead of offering super-size fries and cheeseburgers there will be only regular burgers and fries to chose from? No Coke? Just water?

And no logo? My God! Any simpleton would know the first thing when planning a new business, the most important thing, is the freaking logo! Then again, as I reported earlier, NVP on the sign out front isn't the brightest thing Nikki has ever done. Maybe she thought about this after Phyllis bailed on her since she'll have to change NVP to NV or, as I've projected, NVN.

Talk about a ship of fools. These morons make the crew of the Titanic look good.

Alas, I needed a good laugh to get my weekend off on a good foot. My other foot would be jammed up Nikki's butt if I had the chance.

Meticulous Death

April 11, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

I understand it's too much to ask. As bad as I want Gloria Fisher Abbott to stick it to those two diaper-wearing adult Abbott kids, for Jack and Ashley to find themselves out on the street looking for work and having to actually pick lettuce - or something, it just isn't in the cards. Even if the Jabot Cosmetic monkeys are found to be incompetent they'd most likely land on their feet and open a chain of health food stores.

Unfortunately, incompetence isn't a crime. If it was, the Abbotts would have been locked up long ago, Ashley, for her sperm stealing and baby killing and other assorted crimes, and Jack for plotting to obstruct justice and I'll bet my last dollar he offered that congressman money to keep his father out of prison.

Sadly, the Abbotts can't be found culpable in the recent poisoning of Jabot's new product, Glow Again. Gloria did that and while she's thinking she got away with it, there's a problem. She told someone. She broke the first rule in crime. Never, ever, tell anyone. Her son, Kevin Fisher, knows.

Considering Kevin has "changed" and everyone has pretty much forgiven him for giving Lily Winters, a minor at the time, an STD, attempting to roast Colleen Carlton, and couldn't prove he burned down the RoadKill Cafe, it won't be long until Kevin's infant, newly found conscience, will demand he come clean. Moving into the Abbott Hotel to protect his embattled mother will be a noble act but it won't explain why Gloria just last week said she didn't want people underfoot when it was thought for awhile that Lily and Daniel Romalotti would moving in as Jack's guests. Kevin's move, if he moves, would make more sense were he to move into the Abbott poolhouse. In fact, Kevin might prefer the poolhouse as it probably still reeks from Kevin's favorite smell, the odor of burnt wood.

Long before Gloria gets busted there are plenty of other legal issues to deal with. For example, why is DA Will Bardwell still gunning for the Abbotts? Before cutting a deal with John Abbott, didn't Bardwell want the old man to serve twenty years? Isn't it a conflict that Bardwell today headed up a search of the Jabot lab? Isn't it strange that Ashley would ask if he planned to search the entire lab?

"No, you fool. I'm here to look in this one trash can. If I find that magic orchid you're going to jail. Oh, wrong case. Was that ever solved? Now where was I?" Bardwell might have said, as that's how poorly this, like every other case, has so far progressed.

Stranger still is why the DA is doing work the Genoa City Police should be doing. Isn't Hank Weber available? Shouldn't Weber have found the solvent at the lab which, as it turns out, was your everyday twenty mule team Borax? Give 'em credit, even Jack and Ashley wanted to know why Bardwell was there. Not that they should have figured it out by now, Bardwell said he's taken "a personal interest in the case" which, translated, means, "I'm out to get you."

Rather than ask Bardwell, "Do you have an axe to grind?", the best Ashley could come up with was, "How long is this going to take?" only to be told it takes however long it takes. Maybe it was a last ditch effort to kiss ass, but Ashley handed over to Bardwell the notes she'd given Jabot's insurance company without consulting with the company's legal department first. No surprise there either as last week Jack and Ashley circumvented Jabot's lawyers when they hired attorney Michael Baldwin. Ashley did, however, suggest the legal department be consulted first before sending flowers to Jabot's first victim, the very dead Mrs. Gibson.

So, how does this work - exactly? No consulting with legal representatives before turning over what could be incriminating notes, but always check with legal first before sending flowers. Oh, Lord. Kill Ashley now. And Jack too. Put these nitwits out of their misery before they hurt themselves or say something else stupid, like when Ashley told Bardwell, that Glow Again couldn't have been tainted at the Jabot lab because, "We are meticulous about our procedures."

How soon Ashley forgets. How apparent that she's been sniffing skunk oil too long. Had she been fastidious, Mrs. Gibson wouldn't be meticulously dead.

Allergen Causes Death

April 7, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Beset by a bevy of financial crisis over the years, all of which the company has managed to worm its way out of, Jabot Cosmetics seemed destined Friday to see for the first time its scaly underbelly when an unsuspecting customer died.

Hospitalized for a number of days after applying a sample of Jabot's new moisturizer known as Glow Again to her skin, which is really the old Glow by Jabot simply repackaged, Mrs. Emma Gibson succumbed to toxic infection. Mrs. Gibson is survived by her husband who immediately filed a law suit against Jabot seeking an as yet undisclosed sum of money. Prior to his wife's death, Mr. Gibson turned down what was seen as hush money offered up by Jabot in exchange for his silence.

During a hastily called news conference, Jabot CEO Jill Abbott asserted, "Protecting our customers is our number one concern," but failed to mention that in recent years Jabot as consistently rushed products to market, often without FDA approval, for the sole purpose of saving its toxic ass.

With its main factory shut down, the "face" of Jabot, Jack Abbott tried reassuring Jabot customers when he said, "Nothing has been shipped since we discovered the problem."

Owner of Jabot's parent company, a worried-looking Chancellor Industries Katherine Sterling stated, "All of our other products are completely safe."

That may be so, but what has consumers more worried than bird flu right now, is whether they will come into contact with Glow Again. Jabot says no, but that's what Jonas Salk said before he perfected Polio.

When reporters at the press conference asked if in fact the problem has been contained, Jabot President Ashley Abbott, more commonly known about Genoa City as the firm's "top chemist", said "Yes" and admitted that samples of Glow Again contained what was described as merely "an ingredient some people are allergic to."

"If anyone has a problem we suggest they see their doctor," Jill Abbott added, as Mr. Abbott agreed publicly to "pick up the tab" for all medical expenses, an overt offering Ms. Abbott called, "good faith."

However, for all the apologies and practical admission of guilt, Jabot's lead lawyer, Michael Baldwin said prior to learning of the death that as far as the Gibson case is concerned, "We don't know if our product caused her problem.

Jabot executives also confessed to knowing that, besides the usual toxins in its products, a cleaning solvent has been identified as an ingredient in the tainted samples of Glow Again. As to how solvent got into the moisturizer, Baldwin said he suspects "someone" poisoned the poison and when found out will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Baldwin did not say, nor was he asked, whether that "law" would be Genoa City law or Federal law. Not that there's much distinction between the two, this Wisconsin city is not known for meting out stiff justice as victims of crime here are the ones who usually wind up as stiffs at the morgue.

In a rarely seen example of reporters daring to asked pointed questions even though doing so can cost their jobs, one at the Jabot press conference had the never to ask, "Is this press conference a smoke screen to cover-up a potential business disaster?"

The question was not dignified with an answer as Mr. Abbott immediately gave reporters the bum's rush.

Jabot Drowning in its Own Swill

April 6, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Here is the fear. Here is the outrage kicked and stomped and artificially inflated and stuck with rusty knives by corporate jackasses over at the World Headquarters of Jabot, the global toxic cosmetics company customers have trusted for years to provide only the safest of toxins and are not worried in the least that Jabot probably has a license to pour its runoff into local rivers and streams.

I find myself again amazed and just a little confused by it all. I am shaking my head and wondering why in the hell Lauren Fenmore, the owner of Fenmore's Department Stores and the Little Shop of Horrors, was checking this week on Emma Gibson. Just one of Jabot's latest victims, just one of those who applied an unproven moisturizer and sun screen all-in-one to her skin and wound up with a case of the creeping crud, Gibson was last reported in a hospital attached to a ventilator.

Turns out Fenmore's concern had to do with the fact that Gibson obtained the toxic goop during a visit to the little shop. There, on the counter, for unsuspecting customers to try out, was one of the many samples of Glow Again that are said to be floating around the nation and overseas. Gibson gave it a try and now she's fighting for her life.

As to the impact this will have on Fenmore's company, there doesn't seem to be any. All Fenmore has to do to steer clear of possible lawsuits is to say she's a victim too. This, despite the fact that Fenmore, by association, is just as culpable as Jabot. The Wisconsin Labor Board need only look into Fenmore's business dealings, her willingness to pay employees off the books, to see that Fenmore is a criminal deserving to have her ass locked up in the same prison as her friend, the founder of Jabot, John Abbott.

While she's pretending to worry about Gibson, Fenmore is praising those responsible for attacking Gibson with their chain-sawing, eyeball-eating toxic swill.

"The Abbott's are good people. Jack Abbott knows what he's doing," Fenmore yapped this week, as her husband, attorney Michael Baldwin said that were it not for his mother's stake in Jabot, he'd slap a law suit on the Abbotts in a heartbeat. This, despite the fact, the Baldwin is, or was, John Abbott's lawyer.

In a related development, Jabot executives were reported to have launched a dragnet for those who may not have had anything at all to do with the outbreak. Like Iraq and those with dark skin, Jabot has ordered management at its distribution plant to track down former employees who may have had an axe to grind and anyone who ever filed a grievance with any company associated with Jabot.

In the meantime, the "face" of Jabot, Jack Abbott has been doing his best to spin bad news into good. With his connections to the media, Abbott figures a lie told often enough will become truth. Prior to reporting his latest blunder to the old man, Jack quipped that thanks to a relaxation on visiting days at the prison, they can pretty much pop in at will.

With all but one of seven jars of the tainted Glow Again samples accounted for, Jabot President - and infamous baby-killing sperm thief - nevertheless required the use of a clipboard to list the tasks required to nip their problem in the bud. And all this time, while Jabot consumers are laying awake at night wondering if they threw out everything with the name Jabot on it, asking themselves if it's possible that just having Jabot products in their medicine cabinets will cause a flesh-eating rash to breakout on their bodies and promising themselves that from now on they'll listen to those rapidly-read warnings "may cause death" on TV commercials for things like Xanax, Ashley had the gall to say, "All these years people have counted on Jabot to make them look their best."

She did get one thing right, however.

"Now we've let them down."

Indeed, not only are customers let down, they are near death! Will they bounce back and forget? Will they go back to using Tylenol and strange chemicals on their skin? They will if Jill Abbott has her way.

"We're not hiding anything. We're taking responsibility for what happened. Jabot is still a company we can be proud of," she actually said, making sure not to mention it's already likely that some judge has been paid off to rule in Jabot's favor.

And in a late development Thursday, Jabot board members met to discuss the employment of Michael Baldwin to represent the firm in forthcoming lawsuits including, but not limited to, the impending suit on behalf of Mrs. Gibson. While Baldwin is connected to Jabot via his mother's employment, and that hiring Baldwin would not even hint at a conflict of interest, because really, who cares what divorce lawyer Jabot employs, there was much consternation over conflict. When all was said and done it was agreed Baldwin is Jabot's go-to man, but not before Jabot's parent owner, Sterling, announced that she has advised long-time friend, lawyer and said to have retired long ago, the very walking among the dead-looking Mitchell Sherman.

It should be noted too, that for all fuss over conflict, Sterling, nor other Jabot members, had a problem with Nikki Newman sitting in on the meeting. While Mrs. Newman does work for Jabot, it has been pointed put numerous times that she recently opened a chain of health spas and runs that operation out of the offices of Jabot's competitor, Newman Enterprises.

And then, in his first act as Jabot's barrister, Baldwin tried, and failed, to buy off Mr. Gibson.

Meet the Press

March 28, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Oh God! I finally figured out what the Newman Enterprises Press Conference was all about. I figured out what the "launch" was that Sharon Newman wasn't sure she'd be able to make due to "something" she was coming down with.

The Wellness Spas!

Is this not the dumbest thing you ever did hear? Time can fly in Genoa City. Kids can rapidly age and planes can be booked and boarded all in less than an hour, but a chain of wellness spas are ready to go in less than, what's it been since Nikki Newman first came up with this scheme? Three months? Doesn't it seem like only yesterday this idea was but a figment of Nikki's imagination?

Who helped her put this plan together? Partner Phyllis Summers? Did Phyllis pull this off in her spare time when she wasn't looking for her son or having sex with Nick Newman? Where, exactly, are these spas? Who built them? Rome wasn't built in a day, but at least there was plenty of open space in Italy on which to build it. Where did the property on which to build a chain of spas come from? What City Council was paid off to jam these deals down the Planning Commission's throat? If you wanted to open a chain of anything could you do it in the time it took Mrs. Newman?

Didn't think so.

And how amazing that the Press didn't ask for specifics during what was billed as "Ashley's Press Conference"? Or was Ashley's conference the closed door meeting with the tabloid eXtra? It's hard to keep track what with all these meetings of the press.

How freakish is it that a report in the Genoa City Business Journal spoke of Gloria Abbott's "new role" at Jabot Cosmetics? What role would that be? Did Gloria ever say she had a role other than spinning her husband off as some hero who killed a man in cold blood and because John Abbott has such "integrity" he willingly went off to prison? Did Gloria tell the reporters how her evil step-kids wanted the old man to flee the country? How they arranged to have John booked on a flight to Ireland and picked that country because of its shabby extradition treaty?

Getting back to the spa press conference. What the hell was Brad Carlton doing there? Granted, it took Newman Enterprises money to make Nikki's project happen, but what role in it does Brad play? Will he be appearing in ads showing off his hairless chest and saying how a good day at the spa keeps his chest smooth?

What the hell was Sharon Newman doing there? What does she know of the spas? Can she even spell spa? Has she ever been to one? Can she tell anyone where just one of them is located? Was her appearance another vehicle to drive home the point that this woman is psychotic? That she really wanted to tell the world that Phyllis and her husband (of ten years) are screwing behind her back? That Phyllis is "a red headed slut"? The later certainly isn't news. Not in Genoa City anyway. There isn't a man who hasn't had sex with Phyllis. And that's not counting J.T. Hellstrom or Kevin Fisher because, well, are they men? Come to think of it, is Nick? Keep in mind too that Phyllis once told Jack Abbott of her fantasy of having sex while their young son listened from his bedroom down the hall. Elite as they may be, these aren't upstanding members of the community we're talking about, so why would the Press be reporting on their business ventures?

Why would a reporter, sensing that Sharon couldn't find anything coherent to say, ask what she was thinking of saying and what of Sharon's reply that she could never have imagined her mother-in-law and Phyllis working together? Is this news? Is that Phyllis was once a webmaster automatically make her press fodder? What, pray tell, would make Sharon say that the spas are an "excellent product"? It's rhetorical, but has Sharon ever seen one? Been in one? Know where one is located? And what was with seemingly everyone asking Sharon if she was okay? Is she ever okay? Isn't there always something bothering her?

How is it that the conference just ended without the press hearing a single detail of the spas? What's it cost to sit in a hot tub at these spas? What makes them different from spas at the Athletic Supporter? Can peasants sit in the tubs while watching people drink at the nearby bar? Do these spas have mud rooms or places where customers can have goop smeared all over their faces? What's the goop called? Where does it come from? Are Jabot or Newman cosmetics sold there? That question alone should have been cause for at least one reporter to have asked how it is that a Jabot executive is operating a chain of spas financed with Newman money? Doesn't anyone care about ethics and integrity anymore?

That's how the Press operates. In a nation where the Press is owned by corporate giants it doesn't dare ask too many probing questions. Those that are asked get tossed out like softballs. The lies and misleading information batted back is spun until it becomes gospel. So what if a Jabot employee attends a news conference at Newman Enterprises? So what if only one or two of these so-called executives has a college education?

It's all good because these people hold in their fingers the shriveled testicles of most major media conglomerates. Nikki and Sharon and Gloria are out there right this very second stumping and blinking fast and hyping their overnight successes and hurling snide invectives at anyone who question them. It doesn't matter whether the spas actually exist, or are just something Newman Enterprises plans to roll out, although Mr. Money Bags himself declared this day as the "launch".

So then. As we stare down this indelible moment in Newman history, there are two paths of approach. One: sit back and reflect on what bizarre demonic plague managed to put Nikki under the Newman umbrella and ordered the Press not to ask about it. Two: make jokes and shake our heads and sigh and be thankful this most appallingly impossibility of creating a chain of spas in about 90-days didn't require that we meet the Press.

Fall From Disgrace

March 24, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Like an stench in your nose you can't get rid of, Jabot Cosmetics has, for a good three years, been at war. If not fighting with Newman Enterprises to see who can get the most toxic skin creams and hair conditioners and perfumes made from skunk oil out to market the fastest in their get rich quick schemes, Jabot has been battling itself. Near bankruptcy for the same amount of time, longer it seems, Jabot was recently salvaged by Chancellor Industries yet was allowed to keep the same, incompetent fools at the helm.

Ordered recently by CI owner Katherine Sterling to get on the stick, Jabot suddenly announced not only a new, unnamed skin moisturizer, but the repackaging of its flag ship product, Glow by Jabot under the new name Glow Again. There is some confusion, however. While the moisturizer has no name, it is thought to be Glow Again. If that's the case, then Jabot only has one new product which isn't really new.

But that's how they do it. Tide not selling well? Slap the word 'new' on it and watch it fly out of stores. This is how gullible most consumers are. That's why we at the GCN often say, "What's old is new again." Like the Lily Winters saga. Like the Nick and Sharon Newman marriage. Like Paul Williams. You name it. If it's old, if it bored you the first hundred times, it'll amaze you if the players are interchanged.

So when my reliable sources told me that Jabot will soon be sued I nearly fell out of my chair. How long have I been saying that the goop, the magic orchids, coming out of Jabot and NE are toxic? While it's about damn time Jabot got its ass sued, how it comes about is not without flaws.

Keep in mind we're working without a net here, but we hear Abby Carlton will develop a bad rash when she applies a bit of Glow Again on her leg. This is what led us to believe that Glow is really the sunscreen/moisturizer. The bigger story is that someone we've never seen before will slap Jabot with a major lawsuit after using its toxic product and something goes terribly wrong.

During the process Jabot will try to buy the complainant off and perhaps engage in all the sleazy ways companies like this have to avoid responsibility for endangering the human race with its toxins.

The bottom line, of course, is that Jabot employee Gloria Abbott is behind it all. She wants executive family members Jack Abbott and Ashley Carlton to go down hard. Lord knows, a fall from disgrace is long overdue. Flawed or not, watching the demise of the Abbott kids should be worth it.

Miracle Moisturizer

March 8, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

There I was, innocently looking around the local K-Mart, trying to find a deal on my favorite skin moisturizer when I heard Jabot may be coming out with a new one that could very well sell for half the price. Naturally, I began researching. What will this new moisturizer smell like? Will it be toxic free? Will it be derived from rare orchids abundantly found on the grounds of most Japanese hotels that are then illegally smuggled into the United States? My environmental concern was paramount given Jabot's history of selling landfill swill like its recently failed Safra line. Or was it Tuvia? Off the top of my head I can't recall which was which or who made what as both products hit the market at the same time and after a few weeks following the long, drawn-out cosmetics war between Jabot and Newman Enterprises, disappeared from store shelves.

Aware that its corporate headquarters crawls with security yet remains easy to access and that a meeting of its board of directors had been scheduled for this day, I decided to drop by Jabot hoping to slip unseen into the laboratory and with any luck get my hands on a sample of this new moisturizer. Figuring too that if caught I could always say I was looking for the company's top lab rat and then pretend I didn't know that Damon Porter had left the firm months ago, I wasn't worried about running into other lab employees as Jabot has never had more than two at any given time.

That's when it stabbed at my eyeballs like bad eyeshadow. No no no, said my tormented spirit, this has got to be a joke. Is this a joke? Someone tell me this is a joke. What on earth would make me believe for a moment that Jabot has a new product? Where did I hear this is? In the news? The business section of the paper? Is Jabot paying media whores to spread lies? The company can't possibly have a new anything. Well, maybe a new board member named Gloria Fisher-Abbott, but that's another story.

I mean, think about it. Jabot has only one lab rat. Its name is Ashley Abbott Carlton. She, or he, hasn't been at work since before being arrested in connection with the death of Tom Fisher. Oh sure, Carlton said a few days ago she's been working in the lab late at night to keep distracted and forget the reality that her crimes resulted in the sending of Jabot's founder to prison, but like always, she's lying.

Even by giving Carlton the benefit of the doubt, to assume she's been working and not spending every waking hour of recent weeks worrying about John Abbott, the later of which by the way is the truth, there's no way in Hell that in such a short time she could have come up with a new moisturizer so potent it is now said to be the miracle that will save Jabot from financial disaster, so ready for market it hasn't been approved by the FDA and so able to stand on its own and be scooped off shelves by "women of color" or guys like me, it doesn't need a few boobs barnstorming the West coast such that Newman requires to promote its "Seasons" line of goop.

I'm all for new products that make me smell like road salts and petroleum byproducts and make my hair fall out, but Jesus with a silver bullet clenched between his teeth! Are we to believe Jabot came up with this as yet unnamed product overnight? Does Jabot really think we haven't been paying attention and know that it takes real cosmetic companies like AVON more than a year to get a new product to market?

Moreover, does Jabot think we are so stupid as to think that another moisturizer in an already over saturated market with rows and rows of moisturizers on the shelves of K-Mart will save it? Is this the best they can come up with? It this supposed to be cute, in a smash-your-head-with-a-brick, I-hate-living sort of way? Cute the way the marketing copy for the Abby fragrance suggests?

That's what I'm guessing. I'm going out on a limb and predict that this new moisturizer Carlton and Jabot have come up with will be called Abby after Carlton's precious daughter she continues ignoring to this day. If not Abby, another good name would be Yawn. Or, given the infatuation with things French of late, Jon, in memory of the old man now rotting in prison thanks to Carlton's criminal ways.

Imagine the olfactory sensation of Jon? That smell of rugged adventurousness, a manly outdoorsy moisturizer made from coffee beans and stale pancakes? I know I can. I know there's nothing I enjoy more than pouring lighter fluid on my bod. Doing so attracts hots babes who moan, "Ooh, Brent. Your stench reminds me of crude oil!"

Then again, if it is named Abby, I suspect Jabot will hype its new moisturizer as a spicier scent of "Ashley" that carries the same family lineage of the original Jabot Fragrance for women who look like, or want to be like, men. Wouldn't that be adorable? Imagine the ads showing a nearly naked Abby spread-eagle over a bearskin rug looking seductive and asking the question in bold lettering, "Got dry skin? Just plain flaky? Grease your thighs with Abby."

All of which begs the obvious, painful question: Who, besides the aforementioned dykes and Paul Bunions, would buy this stuff? And perhaps more importantly, will Jon or Abby or whatever it's called, also come as a shower scrub and floor cleaner?

Cosmetics Will Get Makeover

February 17, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Cosmetics wizard Jill Abbott as CEO of Jabot sought approval Friday to have parent company/former lover/former step-son Chancellor Industries CEO Jack Abbott sign off on a news release announcing the immediate return of company founder John Abbott to the firm even as the old timer was being led off to jail under a murder rap. Also one of her many former husbands, Abbott was completely unaware of the elderly Abbott's legal and medical problems and her sudden compassion where young Abbott is concerned was seen as a formal end to what had been an allowance squabble.

Since taking over as Jabot CEO Mrs. Abbott has been nothing but an empty suit having to run to Abbott for permission to flush the executive toilet and often complained how she had no power, couldn't get anything done and most recently that the company itself was going into the toilet due to another scandal Jabot's President and chief skunk oil sniffer Ashley Abbott-Carlton had gotten it into.

On Friday Mr. Abbott denied his two-time lover's request stating that the geezer, his sister and his entire family are "spinning out of control."

"We've been on a runaway train to hell," Abbott said, and blaming the entire matter on his father's wife, Gloria Fisher-Abbott announced that effective immediately he is the "face of Jabot."

"I'll be seeing all of our major distributors. I'll be spending money on a new ad campaign even if we need a new agency," Abbott rumbled with specific reference to Jabot's long-standing advertising agency threatening to pull out because Carlton's scandal has shed a bad light on it.

"I love this! It's exactly what we need," Mrs. Abbott declared.

As for those who may think of him as a weasel, Mr. Abbott had a word of caution.

"I refuse to stand by and watch something my father spent a life time building go down in flames because he got involved with a woman like Gloria Fisher."

Judge Threatens Free Speech!

January 31, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

The last time I checked Genoa City was part of America where the ability to have free thought was one of our inalienable rights. But you'd never know that if you were in Genoa City this week when a nameless judge imposed an injunction on the free thought process.

Without so much as a hearing and at the request of a lawyer representing Chancellor Industries CEO Jack Abbott, the judge ruled that Jabot Cosmetics stockholder, investor and employee Nikki Newman, her partner and former employee Phyllis Summers, may not even think about opening a chain of wellness spas.

Presently, the Newman/Summers plan is just an idea composed of notes written on paper. Crazy as it may be, the plan calls for the creation of what have been called fitness centers for women spread throughout Genoa City and beyond like mini-Wal-Mart stores. While research has shown a need for such centers - much like the cosmetics product known as Tuvia was needed by "women of color" - Newman and Summers plan to feature Jabot products as the main draw. If allowed to gel their plan would not only generate millions of dollars for them personally, but for Jabot as well.

On the surface the idea would appear to be a win-win especially for a toxic cosmetics company that just this week announced its suppliers and ad agency are severing ties with Jabot because company president Ashley Abbott Carlton is under police investigation for murder.

Jabot CEO Jill Abbott, an empty suit apparently left out of the loop with regard to the injunction by her former lover and step-son, and Jack Abbott have expressed concern that Jabot is again facing financial ruin and the destruction of the Abbott family, but they nevertheless agreed to spend "whatever it costs" to hire a Karl Rove to hopefully spin the company out of disfavor. Added to that cost, Mr. Abbott will spend thousands on legal fees in an effort to stop the Newman/Summers plan.

Why Mr. Abbott would object to a project that could save the family business was boiled down to a personal vendetta he has against Summers. Formerly married to Abbott, Summers has since discovered that Newman heir Nick Newman packs more punch in the corporate bedroom than Abbott does and recently rejected his sexual advances.

Served Tuesday with the injunction, semi-retired Newman President Victor Newman welcomed another in a series of endless battles with Abbott. Like those in the past, Newman indicated he fully expects to win this one too. "[If] Jack Abbott wants to play hardball, bring it on!" Newman said.

The legal ramifications are confusing. What business Abbott has bringing suit against Newman/Summers is unclear in that he may not have been authorized to do so by Chancellor Industries owner Katherine Sterling or the Jabot Board of Directors.

But what's alarming is that a judge would effectively ban free thought. At a time when the Constitution of the United States is under attack, when women may lose the right to choose, when wars can be waged without an act of Congress and Americans can be spied on without a warrant, the judges' action does not come as any surprise. It does, however, beg the question: If American citizens are not allowed to think, if they cannot plan for the future, if they must be like sheep, what's next? A ban on free speech?

Rats Flee Sinking Ship!

January 30, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

It's been awhile since I've written in these pages that anything going on in Genoa City made me laugh. Not laugh in the sense that it was funny, but laugh my ass off in that what was said or done was just so dumb that if I didn't laugh I'd throw up or develop a bad case of diarrhea. I've said too in the past that just when you think things can't get any more contrived, damn but what they do. Take what happened today for example.

Those media whores camped out in front of the Abbott Hotel hoping to ask self-confessed murderer Ashley Carlton why she killed Tom Fisher have, apparently, given up on following Carlton to the one place she can most easily be found, the Athletic Club. At least one of the whores has, however, taken to calling Jill Abbott on her cellphone which is quite a feat given the odds that any stranger from out of town could get Jill's number unless it's written on the wall of some public toilet. Either that, or Jill returned the whore's call to her office using her cell which is equally unlikely in that she told the media whore there's no way Carlton will be granting interviews anytime soon and that was final.

I mean, think about this.

Think about Jill at the club and overhearing the call is none other than old busy body sugar pusher Gina Roma, a woman Jill can barely stand the sight of, asking if by chance Jill had been speaking with a reporter. Think too of Jill's response that Gina had no idea what a "media circus" the city has become since Carlton's arrest and Gina sputtering how "awful" those tabloids are with their lies as if a single word about Carlton has ever appeared in the Inquirer or the New York Post or that this podunk town has rags of a similar nature.

Imagine too a pissed off Jill digging at such rags for not caring whether what they print is true when every single day the New York Times and CNN and the so-called mainstream media regurgitate lie after lie.

And poor Jack Abbott. So "scared" for his sister, Jill says, as she worries that Carlton's scandal is affecting the very troubled Jabot Cosmetics' bottom line. The sale of toxic chemicals is so bad retailers are canceling orders and if the trend continues Jill fears the warehouse will overflow. Making matters worse, Jabot's ad agency doesn't want to be associated with any company that has an executive under criminal indictment.

This same agency didn't have a problem representing Jabot when Carlton went mental. It didn't seem offended that she stole a man's sperm, killed two of her babies and threatens a third, or that she's a fornicator. If Carlton's past wasn't cause for concern why should a charge of murder be any different especially when she hasn't been convicted? Is this another of those guilt by association deals? Why, if Carlton is a scourge on society, didn't the ad agency freak out when Jill was suspected of having shot Victor Newman or show any apprehension when any number of company executives have had run-ins with the law? What is it about Carlton that has so many shaking in their boots? Have they not heard that Carlton is considered a pillar of the community?

It's true! Carlton's stepmother said so. Gloria Fisher-Abbott said today the District Attorney knows what an upstanding member of society Carlton is and because of that Glenn Richards will be willing to cut a deal - or something - whereas Carlton is given what amounts to a get-out-of-jail free card despite the fact that Jack Abbott says if word gets out "it would destroy Jabot."

If word gets out? What are all those reporters doing in front of the Abbott Hotel? What about all the reports that have supposedly appeared in the tabloids? What about everyone and their brother talking about Carlton's latest scandal? Has not word already got out?

To make all these problems go away Jill said, with Jack's permission, she plans to hire a "professional damage control specialist". Jack did not hesitate to grant Jill's request because, as he put it, "Our family is facing a major crisis". This new crisis, like the ones before it, poses such a diabolical threat Jack said Jabot and the Abbott family "may never recover".

For all the fretting, neither Jack nor Jill suggested the obvious, costless solution to their problem.

Fire Carlton's ass!

Nope, that would make too much sense. Better to do what Jill wants. Bring the old man back to Jabot. With John Abbott propped up in an office somewhere the ad agency, retailers and suppliers will breathe a sigh of relief and forget that Carlton is associated with Jabot.

Jack nixed that idea without mentioning that his father just got out of the hospital, is having memory problems and that Ashley didn't really kill Fisher, the old guy did, but Ashley is taking the fall.

For a company constantly on the brink of financial ruin facing ruin again and spending money to hire a Karl Rove when all it takes is to terminate Carlton, one might expect Jabot owner Katherine Sterling to step in and change leadership except that she's the one Abbott crony most likely go along with the cover-up out of respect even while the rats are jumping ship.

Webmaster Turns Down Opportunity of a Lifetime

January 17, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Here I was recovering from the news that Jack Abbott has created a job just for one of his many former wives and thinking, well, that's that and isn't nepotism great when word reached my ears that another former Abbott wife has appended her earlier, asinine statement that she won't let Phyllis Summers out of their deal to create a chain of health spas.

I'm left wondering how Nikki Newman intends to hold Summers to their bargain without a legal contract. There is nothing in writing, nothing but Summers' verbal interest in the spa business, nothing that would stand up in a court of law to force Summers into a partnership with Newman and if there was, who, in their right mind, would want to work under the resulting duress?

Still, what Newman said today was rolling on the floor laughable.

Distressed that she might have to go back to doing whatever it is she does at her job as an executive for Jabot Cosmetics, Newman was assured Tuesday by Jabot CEO Jill Abbott that the job given Summers isn't so much a job as it is a title. In other words, like almost every position at every company owned and operated by the Newmans and the Abbotts, executive employees are not expected to work. Bestowed with fancy titles like 'Czar' they need only pretend to be working while conducting personal business at the local coffee shop, restaurant, athletic club or bedroom. There are, however, the rare exceptions for company spokesmodels who must occasionally go on what are called "tours" for the purpose of promoting the toxic landfill merchandise their benefactors peddle.

Well aware that fancy jobs, especially one carrying the ominous title czar, come with six figure salaries and that often the recipient has no real need for the money but what they want is the desire to feel a sense of belonging and entitlement to sucking on the corporate teat, or penis, as the case may be, Newman, with a constipated look in her eyes, grunted.

"Do you think it's [the job] a device to lure Phyllis away from our partnership?"

Do bears crap in the woods? If a tree falls in the forest, um, never mind. Was Newman's question rhetorical or trick? Did she forget that just the other day she accused Mr. Abbott of sabotaging her plan? Not that it matters, Nikki's desperation, her insipid need to work with Summers, is nothing more than a part of the new deal where all the Newmans wrote their names in blood on a pact swearing to the glorification of Summers and her son. Under terms of the pact Noah Newman is to be coached by Romalotti in his sport of the month, Romalotti was to build a shrine devoted to the dead Cassie Newman and as a result of his subsequent guilt of having withheld information that could have cut short Daniel Romalotti's trial, Nick Newman was to become the daddy Daniel never had and his mother forced to go around kissing Summers' ass.

Fortunately for Mrs. Newman, the business gods were watching over her this day. In a bizarre move to prevent anyone from snapping up such a valuable resource and employee Mr. Abbott had his lawyers insert a non-compete clause into Summers' employment contract. Should Summers refuse to accept his terms Abbott implied both she and Mrs. Newman will tied up in court so long they'd be blue-haired old ladies by the time one of their spas grew legs.

"I consult with lawyers before I decide what suit to wear," a capricious Abbott informed Summers, sticking a sharp knife deep into Mrs. Newman's back at the same time calling her a "robber baron."

Refusing the "opportunity of a lifetime" Summer told Abbott to shove his contract where the sun don't shine and zooming off on her broom arrived at the Jabot Boardroom just in time to help Mrs. Newman put out a fire apparent financial backers were holding her feet to. Representing God knows what, considering Victor Newman put up the money required to make his wife's dream come true, spa investors had grown edgy because Mrs. Newman's "creative partner" had not arrived at the meeting. And too, they could have been confused because Newman introduced herself as "Nicole" and the only Nicole they'd ever heard of is the one who recently partnered with the operator of a local strip club.

Nevertheless, at the last moment Summers saved the day when she strolled in to validate Newman's "whole woman" concept and to blather on about "conceptual architecture", demographics and cities that might be used for testing the feasibility of a health spa. After what appeared to be a successful presentation the busy business beavers were nailed by Mr. Abbott for conducting outside business on Jabot property and threatened with termination. To save him the trouble, Summers quit on the spot.

'Czar' to Oversee Toxic Landfill Companies

January 16, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

This is what happens when you build your entire ego on an intricate network of bad hair and cronyism and corporate fellatio and hatemongering and sham enemies and blank-eyed smirks that tell the world, every single day, you are such a nepotistic hypocrite. Because he's so desperate for sex, because the best woman he can get is someone who dumped him for a lab rat and with him forgot all about the baby they fought Diane Jenkins tooth and nail for, Chancellor Industries CEO Jack Abbott has resorted to creating a position of power just for his former wife.

Nepotism in Genoa City has always been a problem. It's been frowned on and cursed at and the point made repeatedly that without nepotism the likes of Dru Winters and Devon Hamilton and Sharon Newman wouldn't have jobs at all. Since they don't really need jobs but rather material things to make them feel important, whenever they're given fancy jobs complete with big offices and perks that would make Donald Trump blush, nepotism is often brushed aside as just something to be taken for granted.

When Phyllis Summers was hired and fired and quit and given her job at Newman Enterprises back what seems a million times just because she knows the owner and can manipulate Victor Newman like a ball of putty despite his knowing what a lying, three-faced bitch she is, a few laughs were had at the expense of hard working, educated Newman employees scratching and crawling their way just to get a personalized parking space and a key to the executive toilet.

When both Sharon and Nikki Newman went to work at Jabot Cosmetics eyebrows were raised. Gasps of disbelief were heard when Sharon quit only a few weeks later to take a job working shoulder to shoulder with her husband at NE because it made her feel more a part of the family empire. That husband would later cheat on her with Ms. Summers, and Sharon herself nearly hit the sack with an employee without whom she would have been laughed out of the company when it became apparent she has neither the education or the skill required to hold a position as anything but corporate whore.

These flagrant bitch slappings of the public at large aren't all. The troubled Hamilton kid is given a job at Newman Enterprises as a file clerk, works there for an hour, can't remember he has a job there at all and later gets a job slinging coffee at the Jitter Joint courtesy of the owners, Mac Browning and Kevin Fisher, strictly because Devon is a friend of a friend of a friend. Not only is Devon able to hold down a full-time minimum wage job, but he also manages to keep his grades to such high standards the prestigious Boston University gives him a full scholarship simply because he applied. No SAT test for Devon, no entrance exam, no check of his background in which a troubled past like he has would exclude kids half as intelligent, Devon turns down the opportunity because he's suddenly fallen in love with his adopted sister and wants to stay in Genoa City to be closer to Lily Winters.

And as these jabs straight in the eye of reality reach the saturation point of ridiculousness and it's thought things can't get any more absurd, damn but what Mr. Abbott doesn't come along with an idea so off the wall those looking on in shock and awe just have to stand up and applaud. When Jack wants something there is nothing he won't do.

Creating a special job for Ms. Summers is about as low as it gets. The term 'low' is loosely used because each time anyone in the ranks of the elite is thought to have hit bottom it turns out the pit is bottomless. There appears to be a limitless supply of lies and half-truths and misinformation at Abbott's disposal. Without consulting with his employer, without discussing his plan in advance with the CEO of Jabot Cosmetics, Abbott has announced the creation of a new position at the industrial waste dump known as Chancellor Industries.

"Creative Czar" he calls it. At first, Ms. Summers will try out her new title at Jabot. If department heads there are impressed and thrilled to have someone without an iota of experience - beyond that of a webmaster - suddenly overseeing jobs it took them four years of college to qualify for, then one day she may go on to become co-CEO at Chancellor. The possibilities are endless. Play her cards right and Ms. Summers might one day be President of the United States. Or, as Abbott would call her, Czar, as in USSR.

Needless to say, Ms. Summers was impressed. As Czar, she'd be working with Jill Abbott, or, as she likes to say of people far more skilled than she, which is just about everyone including Noah Newman, "The head honcho".

"It would be a challenge," Summers confessed, but as anyone skeptical of being handed the opportunity of a lifetime, added she'll have to think it.

While Summers ponders whether she'd like to be making something like one million dollars annually for what will amount to nothing, or $400,000 for doing what she does now which is nothing, Mr. Abbott ran the idea of a Czar past his former step-mother and lover. Without hesitation the elder Mrs. Abbott said it's the best damn idea she ever did hear. Problem is: who in all of Genoa City would qualify for such a position? Who went to college or at spent at least a month in charm school?

Phyllis Summers?

Mrs. Abbott did not break down in a fit of laugher. She did call the plan and her step-son "corrupt" and accused Mr. Abbott of engaging in nepotism except that she sugar-coated the word to make it not sound so bad like when the government says spying on the American people isn't illegal, it's patriotic. And like sheep that get on their collective knees and baa approval, Mrs. Abbott said she'll support the plan so long as she gets to drop the "hammer" on Ms. Summers if things don't work out.

"She has real talent," Mr. Abbott hacked in support of Ms. Summers, putting his spin on the word much like Bill Clinton did in defense of Monica Lewinski's talent for oral sex.

For all the nepotism and outright outrage, that Mr. Abbott could in any way get his idea of a Czar past the Board of Directors, that he wouldn't be called on the carpet at a time when congressmen are going to jail for their sleazy deals and corruption, what had to be the most hilarious reaction to Mr. Abbott's plan came when his former wife, the other Mrs. Jack Abbott, Nikki Newman found out the much sought after Ms. Summers won't be working with her to create a chain of spas.

"You can't just drop out. I won't let you!"

In case there's any doubt that nepotism isn't alive and well in Genoa City, let's review.

Without checking with his former lover's mother, without whom he might very well be bagging groceries at Safeway, Mr. Abbott creates a job just for his former wife who his other former wife says promised to go into business with her and she won't allow the former wife to back out. Meanwhile, another former Mrs. Abbott, in power thanks in part to her mother's influence, says her former step-son's former wife can have the job so long as she can pull the plug if it doesn't work out as if to say that once the former wife is in it won't take an act of Congress to get her out.

It is truly amazing that a woman like Summers, a chicken hawk of sorts in the business world, is so sought after when the only skill she has, the one thing that gets her where she is today, is nepotism.