See also: Lily Winters  Dru Winters

The Elusive Dream

December 7, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Ask a real police detective working a real murder case and he/she will tell you that with each day that goes by and the killer isn't caught the odds are the case will never be solved.

Carmen Mesta has been dead for over a month. The man/boy charged with killing her continues walking around free on bail, and so far as anyone knows, has not checked in daily with authorities as was ordered at the bail hearing. Each and every time there has been an arrest, or a detainment involving the Winters clan in particular, those detained have been taken before a judge within the hour. The wheels of justice were spinning off their rims when Devon Hamilton was charged with murder and then suddenly ground to a halt when the evidence to support the arrest was brought into question.

A sleepy judge agreed there's something fishy about identical evidence discovered subsequent to the arrest and yet did not order Hamilton's immediate release. The judge, perhaps distracted by the Wal-Mart knockoff painting of George Washington hanging on his chamber wall, did not order the City's chief persecutor to get his crap together or he'd throw the case out.

Hamilton's mouth piece, the ambulance-chasing Michael Baldwin, made a good case pertaining to the duplicitous evidence, but if he was making a feeble attempt to have charges against his client dismissed - which he should have - I didn't hear it. Maybe I'm not understanding the work of defense attorneys these days, but something tells me that instead of helping his brother pack, instead of helping his mother practice her game show skills, Baldwin should be looking for someone to validate Hamilton's alibi.

That alibi is almost as elusive as the means by which Mesta died. It would seem she was battered over the head with a blunt instrument, but what? A hammer? Hamilton's silk purse? When and where exactly did Mesta die? Why, a month later, is Mesta's body still at the morgue? Why is her brother sitting on his ass in Texas? Shouldn't someone from the family be squawking they want to make funeral arrangements? For all his concern, to the point where he wrote a letter to Mesa's brother, why hasn't Victor Newman thought it strange he hasn't been invited to the memorial service? Will there be a memorial service? There was for Malfunction Winters. There was for Ryan McNeil. Isn't there a kid out there somewhere wanting to make a donation to the 911 Fireman's Fund in Mesta's name?

And what of Hamilton? Shouldn't he be curled up in a corner somewhere clinging to a spit-soaked security blanket? Shouldn't he be blaming himself for the scourge he's brought upon the Winters good name? Wouldn't any teenager be seeing his short life pass before his eyes? The images of becoming a prison love slave? Why aren't members of the clan on their knees praying to God? Isn't it what they do when they need a miracle, or is that something reserved for the trial? Will, just as the judge is about to pass sentence, Lily Winters wake up? Will she say a little prayer and lo, God will descend from the heavens and the judge will declare a miscarriage - or something?

With all his influence, what's to prevent Neil Winters from going to Newman and asking for divine intervention? Newman has a senator in his back pocket so it's a good bet he's got a judge in there too. What's that my loyal dog? Your son is innocent? Let me make a call. Judge Scraggy? Newman here. That nice young man didn't kill anyone. Make the charges against him go away. You got that? There, see how easy it was?

Of course you may say: Oh please, this is just silly, no way Newman could do this. I mean come on, Devon's destiny is that he be forever getting into trouble and no amount of surgical operations or $200 Nike's can stifle the heartbreaking coming of age story of a father-less boy from the streets clawing his way into the gated estates of the rich and famous.

To which I say: You are right, but only a little. Of course Newman is not about to deflect the poor boy message. It is not enough that Hamilton should consider himself one lucky bastard to have found some rich people who cared about him. It can't be that Hamilton would take every advantage of a new lease on life by going to school and making something of himself. It is way better that Hamilton scoff and snort and wallow in self-pity as the Winters shell out thousands to keep him happy while scores of other less fortunate kids will never get so much as a whiff of what he has. Which is, of course, the aforementioned awakening, the ever-present push-pull of the culture. This is how Hamilton and his ilk stumble toward the light, gasping and bleeding. They've got what others can only dream of, but it's never enough.

The Miracle Worker

December 6, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Holy Crap, it's the Miracle Worker! Pass the Bible. Let us pray. Dear God in Heaven, please make it stop!

Yes friends, we are gathered here today at Dr. Quack's office for the official testing of Devon Hamilton's new ears. There is much hand wringing. Dru and Neil Winters, sans their could give a rat's ass daughter, are bracing themselves for impact. What if they went and spent all that money and the poor boy can't hear? Oops... there they go again, thinking negative thoughts when they should be positive. Concentrate. Follow the pendulum as it swings back and forth. You will be positive. You will hear Devon say he can't wait to have his hearing restored so that he can:

A - Hear for himself when college students call him an ass?
B - Hear when Mommy Dru and Daddy Neil call him son?
C - Hear when the entire state of Wisconsin barfs into a bag?

Of course the correct choice is C.

Mommy and Daddy love Devon. Devon knows this, but still, that word, 'son', it's like he's never heard it before.

And like all happy families about to be reunited in a way, the Winters and Hamilton had to visit with their lawyer first. They had to tell Michael Baldwin that they're thinking about adopting Devon after all this time and, since Baldwin has been so kind, they want him to have first crack at drawing up the legal documents to make it happen.

But wait!

Isn't Baldwin a criminal defense lawyer? Do defense lawyers dabble is such matters as adoption? Of course not, but then Baldwin's not a criminal defense lawyer either. Of course he'll draw up the papers so long as it's what Devon wants. So, pray tell, Devon. Is that what you want?

Do dogs have ticks?

Of course that's what Devon wants. Why, it's so obvious Baldwin can't control himself. He nearly broke down bawling.

Meantime, back at the doctor's office, the quack is, literally, putting a bug in Devon's ear. Testing 1-2-3. Can you hear me now? Roger willco. What about now? You say it's like having Cingular as a cellphone carrier? Parts of sentences can't be heard? The line goes dead? Oh my. This can't be good. Now, now, Mrs. Winters, for Christ's sake stop bawling. Don't you ever get tired of that? Think positive. Think of all that hearing aid equipment and the sign language courses you purchased. If Devon can't hear, that stuff won't have to collect dust. It you ever lose your job you can get a new one signing. Be positive. No, no, you don't have to worry about Devon seeing what an emotional wreck you are. He's seen you this way a million times so why should this time be any different? Oh my freaking god! It's a miracle. A true blue Barry Manilow miracle!

Devon heard what Mommy Dru said. Can you believe it? Believe, my brother Neil, and you can hear it too! That's the spirit. See? You can be gushing with happiness if you only believe and let it shine, shine all across the city. Now, if you'll excuse me, I, being a quack, must heap a pile of praise on the patient.

You done good, Devon. You have accomplished so much. First meningitis in two days, the ability to read lips and sign in less than a week, and now this, praise all that is holy you are truly a miracle worker. Or should that be me? Nah, I'm just a quack. I went to college and medical school. What do I know? Stupid schools can't teach people right no how. You hear what I'm saying? Just checking. Say, before you go, take this. A year supply of cotton swabs. Every night before you go to bed stick one in both ears. You want to keep them as clean as possible - don't you? No, silly, not the whole box.

Sue the Bastards!

November 21, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

You don't need me to tell you: Will Bardwell is an embarrassment to law enforcement. He should have made damn sure his ducks were in a row before arresting anyone for the murder of Carmen Mesta. And then, once Bardwell was sure he had his man, what did he do? He felt sorry; offered to cut Devon Hamilton a deal; lay awake nights thinking; that poor, poor boy.

"Whatever do you mean?" Bardwell might say once Hamilton turns the deal down. "You mean you wouldn't rather spend ten years behind bars for something you didn't do than life? What if I get a judge to grant you probation with time served? Oh, that's right. You haven't served any time."

With the expected arrival of David Chow it seems clear Hamilton, nor anyone presently living in Genoa City, killed Mesta. Chow has a connection to Mesta's past and what better way to shift the blame? Can't have a local found guilty of a crime. Can't have Jack Abbott, or any of the elite, sent off to prison for a month only to have the governor pardon them. Find an outsider. That way, all those suspected of killing Mesta can say, "See? We told 'ya we didn't do it. Had you going there for awhile though, didn't we? Please sit back now as we slap ourselves on the back and swear to God nothing like this will happen again. You know the drill. We are Newmans. We are Abbotts. We are Winters. Nothing can destroy our happy families.

If there's a problem with this scenario it's that the who-killed-Mesta subplot will drag on for another thirteen weeks starting from the day Chow arrives. In the meantime, now that we know Hamilton didn't do it, there will be much rehash. There will be starting today much hand wringing. The Winters will gag themselves and puke. Could their son be capable of such a dastardly deed?

Not that it matters. On Thanksgiving the Winters will give thanks. Oh, thank you Lord. We know you're making our lives a living hell; we know that if you were really all that powerful you'd make the guilty party come forth and confess and that the Bible decrees people like us should not have money to burn on bail bonds and giant fortress-like homes and jet planes and that we are not supposed to commit adultery, but we thank You anyway. The moment our son is set free we will go back to our wicked ways.

And isn't it a bit strange that Lily Winters Romalotti doesn't seem to have much interest in any of this? She was all over adopted 'bro when he lost his hearing, but with 'bro getting new ears Lily had no interest holding his hand like Mommy and Daddy did. Good buddy Daniel Romalotti, practically on his knees, willing to take college class notes for brother-in-law, seems aloof. Maybe he'll come around later to ask Hamilton, "You got your ears on? Sue the bastards!"

God Have Mercy

November 20, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

When I heard last Friday that Devon Hamilton, remember, that's pronounced, "Deh Von", would be arrested today for murder just as the kid was about to go under the surgical knife, all kinds of thoughts raced through my head. The plan was to bang those thoughts out on the keyboard right then but I decided, no. Wait, I told myself. It must get crazier.

And damn but what it did.

Not only had Dru and Neil Winters been able to schedule their adopted son's surgery at the God Have Mercy Medical Center within 24-hours of their being prevented from leaving the state for said surgery, and like me you maybe wondered, why wasn't the GHM their first choice, the quack plotting to give Hamilton a pair of new ears was giving the patient a brochure to sooth his shattered nerves.

Has Hamilton, or the Winters for that matter, never heard of anesthesia? Slap that boy on a cutting table, strap a breathing tube over his nose, and his anxiety would have been gone in ten seconds.

Oh, no. Not at the GHM. Here, read this pamphlet. You'll feel better. Shall we hold your hand too, you little baby? Say something intelligent.

Dr. Quacker: Here's a booklet explaining the cochlear implant.
Devon: Should I look at it?

No, you fool. Stick it up your nose.

On the scene to coddle their baby, the Winters whined about their son having been pegged as the prime suspect in the Carmen Mesta murder case. Bastard cops. Bastard Will Bardwell. They're picking on Devon just to "spite" them for lying about their alibis. Of all the people who wanted Mesta dead, why did it have to be the Winters' precious boy? Don't they know Devon has a hearing problem? Don't they know everyone is supposed to feel sorry for Devon?

Putting his beastly wife at ease, Neil cautioned Dru to brace herself in the event something went wrong during the surgery. Is this not what every wife wants to hear from her husband just before surgery?

Not that it mattered, there would be no surgery - not right away. Hold that scalpel! Keep the OR and the quacks sterile. I'm going to run out for a latte, or take a dump, or see a judge. I shall return!

Just as Devon was about to go under, damn but what the cops walked in with a warrant for his arrest! The Winters were outraged! Couldn't the cops see their boy was about to get new ears? And like the baby he is, Devon began wailing. No! No! I didn't kill nobody. Please Mommy, please Daddy, calm me down. How can the cops haul me away? Isn't being in a hospital like being in a sanctuary?

Nope, it wasn't. The cops said unless the surgery was life threatening, which it wasn't, they could take Devon and they did.

Again, you gotta wonder why the Winters, or Devon, were so upset. So what that Devon was arrested? He'd be out on bail within the hour and then he could get his new ears.

Sure enough, in three shakes of a lamb's tail, the family and its mouth piece were before a judge. This time the judge said there would be no bail. Not that the Winters haven't shelled out thousands in bail already, they could easily come up with another $10,000 if only the judge would show some compassion.

For once, speaking on behalf of his client, attorney Michael Baldwin told the judge that if he'd be so kind as to release Devon, the boy could have his surgery and would therefore be able to understand the charges against him! Never mind that earlier Neil wasn't 100% sure the surgery would be successful.

As for the city's position, or the state's, depending on what it is Will Bardwell represents, Bardwell himself, present at the hearing, said he didn't have a problem with Devon getting new ears, but the Winters and Hamilton have already tried to flee the jurisdiction once. Perking up, the judge said he'd fix that. The Winters jet was thereby grounded.

It took Bardwell to remind the judge that the Winters are filthy rich. No jet, no matter. They'd find other ways to flee. That's when the judge issued his ruling. Hamilton would be released on bond! Oh, with one caveat. Devon must report in, presumably to a probation officer, every day. As for slapping an electronic tracking device on Devon's leg because most probation departments are overwhelmed, they haven't heard of such devices in Genoa City.

Happy as clams, the Winters prepared to rush their boy back to the hospital and on their way out of the court Mrs. Winters stopped to chat with Bardwell and Baldwin did not object. Why would he? This is a lawyer who, after asking to see evidence against his clients, was told by Bardwell to take his word that such evidence exists and Baldwin did.

Mrs. Winters spewed that her son would never kill anyone and Bardwell said, sorry madam, he's just doing his job. And by the way, Bardwell wished the Winters well with the surgery. As we'll see, don't be surprised if Bardwell shows up at the GHM with flowers for Devon after the surgery.

Maybe it's that Bardwell is an old man is what made him change his mind. Maybe it's that Bardwell has two hags flying around him looking for Viagra-induced love, while he feels like having sex ever again would be like cheating on his dead wife, made Bardwell do it. He offered Baldwin a plea agreement!

Hells, bells. All that time and energy and vows that he always gets his man, all that wasted taxpayer money on Grand Juries and DNA tests and the like and Bardwell wants to cut a deal? Is this man mad?

He must be. Despite that he has what he called a "solid" case against Hamilton, Bardwell confessed on his knees before Baldwin that he's feeling a bond with the boy. Devon must have been under pressure when he killed Mesta. Devon must have been frustrated and that's why he laid in wait for Mesta and killed her dead and Mesta couldn't have whipped his sissy ass. Poor boy, Devon was upset with having lost his hearing which the doctors said was only temporary. He must have been agitated knowing Mommy Dru might go to jail and never once communicated with his real mother about his hearing loss - or anything else.

Bardwell doesn't think Hamilton killed someone on purpose. It was a tragic mistake that he would go gunning for Mesta and threaten her. So, okay, involuntary manslaughter will still get Hamilton ten years behind bars in most states, but this is Wisconsin. This is Genoa City. Crimes suspects are repeatedly released on bail. They see judges within the hour of being arrested and rarely see the inside of a gulag. They have low friends in high places. Sure, they whine and bawl about what will become of them, but deep down they know there is no justice - just us.

This then is the message to those who would commit crimes. Do not worry. So long as you have unlimited resources, so long as you are rich and well-connected and can write checks for bail on your parent's checking account, you too can leave the operating room and within the hour return to find the OR waiting on you. Oh, yeah, you can get away with murder too. God have mercy.

End of a Week

October 20, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

The day being Thursday when I wrote this and having already written the article about Sheila Carter and putting that blurb up about the heart of Jack Abbott's and Nikki Newman's dead kid still beating, I was thinking my work for the week was done. Quite an accomplishment it would have been too; being able to start my weekend on a Thursday and not even working for the government or Newman Enterprises.

I wanted to make something out of Billy Abbott's showing Jana Hawkes the Chancellor Mausoleum wine cellar, and her not liking to rub elbows with the rich and famous, but what can you make out of some sissy thinking that's the way to impress a girl? Had Billy a big weenie he wanted to show off, Jana might have liked that, were it not for the fact the only bone Billy has is in his head and I'm not talking about that head.

It did occur to me that with Billy about to leave Genoa City again, he still hasn't had sex with a woman and I wonder if, having gone through all the trouble to register for college so late in the game, he'll resume his education wherever he winds up. Probably not. Not unless there's a college somewhere with teeny boppers he can hang out with. Not that Billy needs an education either, with all his money, tending bar in Florida must be looking good right about now.

So there I was, ready to put away my crayons, when damn but what Daniel Romalotti giggled to his surrogate poppy that Devon Hamilton has moved in with him and his lovely bride. Jack Abbott, aware of what living at the Abbott Hotel was like, and that the Abbott shed is a hole in the wall, remarked the shed is gonna be crowded at the rate these teens are filling it up and without mentioning to Daniel that Devon will probably enjoying hearing the bedsprings creak, suddenly recalled a piece of property the Abbott's have owned all these years and on which sits a house. Better yet, the home is close to Genoa City University where Daniel, his wife and Devon are thought to be getting educated.

Point of fact: Jack said they've owned the property since young Traci Abbott was but a Bon Bon-eating pig starting her education. Since that time the Abbott's have rented the home out to students and as luck would have it, the students who were supposed to rent the place this year bailed out at the last moment and damn, with a shortage of students, had yet to be snapped up. If Daniel and his motley crew are interested, they can have the place - on the house as it were. Daniel need only stop by to see if the house is up to his high standards of living.

And lo, but what it was.

Since they had nothing better to do at the time, since none of the kids had classes or jobs to be at, they all jumped for joy, checked the place out and said they'd take it. Within minutes Neil Winters had the word and was so overjoyed as it meant his greatest fear - that Devon will go on the run again - had been slapped onto the back burner. On his knees, Neil profusely thanked Jack for giving his "children" a place to live.

No sooner had a worried that her "son" might run again Dru Winters returned from crying on Sharon Newman's shoulder, she got the good word too and zoomed by to see the new place which also met her approval. If anything was wrong, it was that all the audible and visual equipment installed at great expense at the Winters' wooden box would got to waste. Alas, it wasn't a problem as Neil said they'd just install new equipment for which Lily Romalotti was free to charge on daddy's credit card.

Before leaving, a suddenly hurling hate balls at his whore, Neil warned the kids to stay away from Carmen Mesta which normal kids would most likely have already had the good sense to do, except that Daniel and Lily and Devon aren't normal and there had to be an obvious motive for Neil to become one of the first suspects when Carmen turns up dead. As if this hint wasn't obvious Neil returned to the office where he and Carmen made a big scene for the benefit of all employees in the event they might later tell the cops they witnessed Neil threaten Carmen.

So there you go; today's lesson. Need a place to live rent free? Able to piss away hundreds on equipment for the hearing impaired? Got time to do all this when you're supposed to be working or at school? Yes? Then you must be rich and already living in Genoa City where accomplishing goals like this is all in a week's work.

Brain Lose and Fancy Rent-Free

October 18, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

So Devon Hamilton is moving out of the Winters wooden box so that he can live on his own? This, I've got to see. I want to see a kid hard of hearing, used to being pampered, make it on the streets all while going to college and without getting a job. Of course, should Devon need a job, it'll be easy for him to get one. All he needs is to walk into the Jitter Joint and someone there will hire him on the spot. Never mind he can't hear, Devon can read lips and almost every customer can read sign language.

If slinging expensive lattes and serving muffins is beneath Devon, he can always get a job sorting mail. Newman Enterprises and Jabot Cosmetics almost always have an opening for a mail clerk. Doesn't matter that large companies like this might have a zillion college graduates waiting in line for such jobs, well-connected kids like Devon get first dibs.

For those who haven't been following along, let's see how it came to be that for the second time, since he became the Winters prized orphan catch, Devon has threatened to move. The first time was when Devon wanted to bunk with his biological crack-addicted mother. When that didn't work out, when Devon couldn't rub together two nickels and his mother wound up falling for his very married adopted Pa and moved to Seattle, Devon decided to stay in the warm security of the box.

This week, when Devon said he was tired of being treated like a kid, after the girl Devon has confessed to having sexual feelings for, the very married to Daniel Romalotti and Devon's adopted sister, Lily Winters told her mother that she and poppy Neil Winters are "suffocating" Devon, and to give him some space and for Devon to prove to himself and the world that he's a big man capable of doing things for himself, Devon announced his second intent to leave the box.

Neil and Dru Winters suspected something like this would happen albeit it more along the lines of Devon going on the run. With connections in Chicago and the Genoa City Zoo, Devon has shown time and again that if he can make it in Genoa City he can make it anywhere. Better yet, this time he won't have to worry about being picked up by Chicago Police and deported. Apparently forgetting about Devon's previous runs, the Winters suspect that if he goes again Devon will head for Seattle. To be safe, Mr. Winters said he'd make a call, presumably to Yolanda Hamilton, warning her to be on the lookout.

And, as you might expect, before departing Devon had to tell Lily and Daniel what a man he is. So what if he can't hear squat? And those silver spoon-fed kids, dependent on their rich parents for just about everything, Lily and Daniel egged Devon on. You show 'em, Devon. Let them know we don't need their stinking money or handouts or jobs one of which Lily worked at all of one hour.

Call me cynical, but my money is on Devon moving alright. Right into the Abbott "shed" where Lily and Daniel squat rent-free. Such a move would put the Sugar Shack to shame. The threesome of J.T. Hellstrom, Raul Guittierez and Brittany Hodges won't hold a candle to Devon living with the Romalotti's and lusting for what amounts to his own sister right under Daniel's big nose. Oh, to be a fly on those shed walls. The thrill of seeing Lily walking around in her underwear while Devon plays pocket pool would be such a rush especially with Thanksgiving so near. Let us bow our heads in shame. Shame, shame on these kids. If only they knew how good they've got it they might stop acting like spoiled brats.

For now though, Devon said today he won't have to worry about coming up with rent money because - get this - he still works at Newman Enterprises? He does? What does he do there? File papers? Wasn't that what he did for all of one hour after Neil felt sorry for him shortly after Devon learned how to check out a library book? Okay, so let's say Devon does work there only he hasn't because he's been going to school which he hasn't either and spent days recovering from meningitis and learning how to read lips. Devon will merely ask his boss, whomever that is, to give him some extra shifts! This from a company that wants nothing to do with Devon's adopted mother?

I swear, they make this stuff up as they go along changing reality.

But here's the kick in the head. After I'd written, without knowing the outcome, that Devon would move into the Abbott shed, what do you think happened? After admitting he can't make it in the big bad world by his lonesome, Devon agreed to move into the shed!

I rest my case.

Crap Happens

October 11, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Before having any idea as to what would happen in Genoa City today I wanted to write something about Devon Hamilton. Is it any wonder this 18-year-old is such a girlie-boy? Everyone keeps calling him "Dehvon". Similar to Lavern, you'd think - the way the Winters family enunciate the name - Devon is French. Although I am seeing the Gay Paree connection, I don't recall Devon having roots in Paris. All this time I thought he was from Genoa City's slum district. I envisioned him living in a run down apartment building above the Olive Pit bar with that "Juice" guy who broke into Neil Winters' drunken crash pad before Devon was remarkably discovered at Victor Newman's Wreck Center and taken into Dru Winters' bosom.

Thank God it isn't, but if my name was Devon and my friends on the street didn't call me Devon, like the Elton John song Devon pronounced "Dee-von", I'd probably be a whiny bitch boy too. It's like being a boy name Sue or Gale or Duncan. If I was Devon I'd be asking people to call me 'D'. That way, when I'm eating alphabet soup, I could spoon out the letter and say, "See? My name is D." I'd run the risk of being called Dee, but even that would be better than being called Devon the way the Winters pronounce it.

Forgive my ignorance, but I've got to ask. If you're deaf like Devon is, if you can't hear, why in the hell would you answer the phone? I understand the Winters spent all that money to make Devon's life more comfy than it was, and got him those special communication tools, but in order for the phone tool to work, which Devon's wasn't yesterday, doesn't the calling party need a similar device? When Devon types in "Hello - Devon here" are the words translated into human voice which any phone, cellphones in particular, can receive and transmit?

Now that Devon has decided to re-join the human race by going back to his college courses, I'm wondering if when he finds out mommy Dru has been arrested, and if Dru spends a few days in the gulag, if Devon won't have to dropout again so that he can baby-sit her. Wouldn't it only be fair? And what of Devon's so-called friends having sat in on his classes and taken notes? Has Daniel Romalotti or Billy Abbott taken said notes and if they did why hasn't Devon been studying them? Time has a way of passing in a strange way in Genoa City, but hasn't it been a week since Devon set foot on GCU's grassy campus? Oh, that's right. I forgot. Like Lily Romalotti, Devon's a bright boy. He could skip the entire semester and still make it up in the Spring.

Speaking of missing things, how'd you like to be Neil Winters? I know, don't be silly. I ask because I surely wouldn't want to miss my boss' birthday bash. Here Nick Newman has invited Neil to attend the gala and Neil declines saying he's got to baby-sit Devon? Christ with a wet diaper! How old is Devon? Three? Why can't Lily changes diapers? I bet Devon would like that.

As for Dru, with so many people supportive of her, including myself, I don't have any empathy for a woman who, married to a Newman Enterprises big-wig, hasn't demanded that Carmen Mesta, that home-wrecking bitch, be fired. I have nothing but disgust for a woman who, after smacking Carmen around a little, returned to the scene of the crime to suck Carmen's ass and ask forgiveness. Dru is no better than a faux war protester. She dislikes war, but supports the troops who fight them.

Of course, if it hadn't been for that little runt Noah Newman, having captured Dru smacking Carmen around on videotape when the camera was tucked under his jacket and unless it has the largest fisheye lens known to man, Dru wouldn't have been arrested in the first place. Ah, but that's one of the great things about living in this town. Restraining orders are flexible, and as we are about to learn, those six month waiting periods before divorced people can remarry can be easily waived. Crap happens.

The Epiphany

October 5, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

To be fair and balanced, I must report today that the deaf, dumb and blind boy Devon Hamilton has had an epiphany. He stopped his bawling and whining and feeling sorry for himself apparently because he knows, like we do, his hearing loss is only temporary. It remains to be seen, but he should know too how lucky he is. How many kids are snatched off the streets of Genoa City and had gold spoons shoved into their mouths? How many foster parents would have put up with Devon's shenanigans like the Winters family did? The first time Devon ran away most parents would have let the State toss his ass into one of those level-13 group homes and thrown away the key.

Ducky Devon caught all the breaks and then some. He's got a woman who considers herself more of a mother to him than Devon's biological mother. He's got a man who considers himself more of a father to him than Devon's biological father who nobody seems to know anything about as Devon never speaks of his real daddy. Presumably, Yolanda Hamilton, in a drug induced stupor, spread her legs for some man and nine months later Devon popped out.

And yet, while Devon kissed and made up with Yolanda, he hasn't uttered her name once since coming down with meningitis and Yolanda has yet to be informed of her son's malady. Not that Devon has a malady mind you. Other than his hearing loss, it seems Devon doesn't have meningitis anymore. One of his rare friends by proxy, Colleen Carlton said so. She told her college professor this week that her friend "had meningitis and almost died."

Had? Almost died? Does going into cardiac arrest in a hospital - such that the God Have Mercy Medical Center can be called a hospital - constitute near death?

Devon's breaks just kept on coming when Colleen's professor let it be known that Genoa City University allows for other students to take class notes for those with hearing disabilities. It's nice to see GCU is a progressive college and all, but what about other disabilities? Can students take notes for the blind? Somebody should look into this - don't you think?

I'm still a bit confused as to how auditing Devon's music theory class would work and why it was that Daniel Romalotti, Devon's brother-in-law by marriage, came up with the idea but couldn't himself volunteer to take the notes. Is Daniel going to be too busy playing the Winters butler? Doesn't Daniel have a job delivering mail when he's not going to school and not installing computer equipment and helping Mrs. Winters with her bags at the Winters' wooden box?

That's not all Daniel is doing. Despite his busy schedule, Daniel and his wife have found on the Internet a place where they all can learn sign language. It's true! I looked it up. The site I found charges an arm and a leg for its on-line courses, but hey, Devon's still got two of each - doesn't he? Shouldn't he be thankful for that instead of bitching all the time about what he doesn't have?

Shouldn't Devon be pleased that his daddy, Neil Winters, suggested he take the semester off so that he can stay at home learning sign language? Is Neil a total ass? After all the trouble Devon went through to get into college? After standing in line to get those special classes Neil wants him to put school on hold? Is this Neil's version of the Billy Abbott school of learning?

Devon's refusal to dropout was the first indication his brain wasn't affected by the meningitis. He is in fact going back to school and that should let all the other school kiddies off the hook. Wouldn't it you? When you were going to college wasn't it enough dealing with taking your own notes much less taking notes for someone else?

Ah, but what I really want to see is Dru and Neil Winters studying sign language. I want to see how long it takes until Daniel realizes his wife is hovering over Devon much too much. I want to see how long before Dru goes back to harassing Carmen Mesta when she's said that moving back to the box was so that she can be closer to her "son". I want to see if next year Dru remembers her kids need their distemper shots. I want Dru and Neil to just shut the hell up about getting through their Tragedy of the Month together. I want them to stop saying they've got to be there for Devon because, while he acts like a baby, Devon is a big boy capable of being there for himself.

Then again, these are the Genoa City rich and famous we're talking about. Into their 40's and 50's, most adults in this town continue wearing diapers and living with their parents ala Jack and Ashley Abbott. You must admit, there's something slimy about a man sharing his father's home with his sister.

After throwing one last fit, Devon had his epiphany. He is grateful. He will humbly give up music theory class in exchange for sign language. He won't let a temporary hearing loss get him down. He will, with any luck, be thankful he's got hands with which to sign.

Falling on Deaf Ears

October 4, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Instead of getting Devon Hamilton all those toys to make his coming home from the God Have Mercy Medical Center something right out of a Bedtime for Bonzo movie, the Winters family should have hauled Hamilton's ungrateful ass to the nearest center for deafened people. A few minutes with those who will never again - if they could at all - hear might have done this acting like a spoiled 8-year-old child some good.

Unlike those permanently deaf, Devon has been told there is a chance his hearing loss is only temporary. On that note alone this first year college student entering kindergarten should have fallen to his knees in prayer. Devon should be thanking his lucky stars that Genoa City University will allow him to continue going to class from the comfort of his adopted parents home. Other, non-hearing impaired students aren't so fortunate. Unlike Devon, they have to actually show up for class.

And should some of those other students suffer Devon's fate, how many of them will have families in a position where money is no object? How many families have the financial ability to spend whatever it takes on computers and wireless routers so as to assure the very best for their disabled kids? How many won't have to apply for State Welfare or Medicare or handouts and wait months for government approval? How many poor and middle class people will have something truly to whine about while Devon wallows in self-pity for a few months before making a miraculous recovery?

How many of the non-privileged, non-hearing will be given expensive special computers to help them communicate upon their release from the hospital without first making sure first someone will pay for the equipment? How many have friends like Daniel Romalotti stopping by their homes subsequent to their hospital release to setup an electronic coping system? How many teens like Daniel got to go to a Swiss boarding school where their roommates were computer geeks and had all that geek-ness rubbed off on them so as to facilitate said installation of computers and wireless connections?

How many of those who will never hear again have fathers like Neil Winters who so hated Daniel once and wanted him out of his daughter's life, but now, when Daniel has something he wants, is impressed by how much Daniel knows? Problem was: Daniel didn't know as much as he thought. He can't "imagine" what Devon is going through like all he'd have to do to get an idea is put his fingers in his ears instead of his ass. Daniel does know that Devon has a family that will always be there for him, however. And he, while he wasn't exactly keen on Devon getting in his face about Lily Winters, will now be there for Devon too. Isn't that sweet?

Wasn't it moving when Neil said that Daniel is part of Devon's family too? Could it have gotten any more sugary? Why, Daniel almost wet his pants which must mean too that soon Daniel will be calling Neil, "Dad." Wasn't it gushing when Daniel, unable to apply his computer skills, had to turn to Kevin Fisher, the geek who raped Daniel's new bride? The geek who left Colleen Carlton to die in a blazing restaurant? The freak who gave Lily an STD is a changed man and was therefore welcomed into the Winters' wooden box to do what Daniel couldn't.

Oh sure, Neil didn't much like that Kevin was breathing the same air, but when he saw that Kevin could do what Daniel couldn't, and it was all good for Devon, he cut Kevin some slack. And who knows, maybe Kevin will be calling Neil "Dad" before too long. In this godforsaken city you never know.

You never understand why these rich bastards and bitches who want for nothing whine and bawl like they do. Devon, barely able to read, got all snippy when he couldn't work the talky device. He did, I bet, get an erection when Lily said they could learn how to work it together and gosh, Lily will even teach Devon how to sign because, give her a few days, she'll have sign language down pat like Mac Browning probably learned how to read and send smoke signals on the Indian reservation.

And when Lily types on the device, Devon, like some old woman who's never used a computer before and thinks she'll break it, had to say Lily would break the device as he pulled it away in utter frustration because he's so messed up, he's been in the hospital for so friggin' long, he still can't walk when there's not a goddamn thing wrong with his legs. Just when one witnessing this tantrum might have expected Devon to start calling for his mommy, damn but what mommy Dru Winters walked in and had to treat him like a little kid.

Teenagers around the world take note: eighteen year olds don't act like this. Not even rotten to the core spoiled brats. Given that Devon was a street kid, given his past runaways and trip to the zoo, he should be acting more like a man. Sure, not being able to hear is frustrating, but it's a hell of a lot better than being blind - or dead. Being temporarily deaf is not the end of the world and certainly no reason to constantly having to be told, like Victor Newman, that everything is going to be okay.

So, when Devon snaps out of his funk, when the only reward he gets is the Genoa City News Slap of the Week, when his tizzy fits have fallen on mostly deaf ears, let's see if he's learned that you don't know what you've got until its gone.

Can You Hear Me Now?

October 2, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Don't tell me, I know it's not nice to laugh at people with disabilities. Hell, I've got disabilities of my own. But I find Devon Hamilton's inability to hear a bit much. In fact, I find the entire Winters family a joke. As if it wasn't bad enough that Dru Winters was blaming herself for not getting Devon to a doctor for his shots before entering college, today it was Lily Winters Romalotti blaming herself for not taking Devon along when she got her shots. I mean, Christ! Why didn't they go together? Did Dru make Lily's doctor's appointment? If, as Dru says, the doctors were all booked up, and she had a chance to get Lily in, why didn't she tell Lily to take Devon? Why aren't these adults taking themselves in? Isn't eighteen old enough to make decisions like this? I know, don't ask.

As usual, when someone blames themselves for something they had no control over, there is always someone on hand to tell the person placing blame, not to place the blame as Daniel - what's on my head - Romalotti told his wife. Try as I might not to laugh, whenever the thought of Lily and Daniel being married enters my mind I fall down in laughter.

Plus today there was Neil Winters squawking about the good possibility that those with meningitis, such as Devon, lose their hearing, damn but what that wasn't exactly what happened. Of course, there was Dru saying they didn't know for sure as the God Have Mercy Medical Center quacks are still running tests!

Tests, tests, tests! How many stinking tests can they run? Who pays for these expensive tests? Predictably, when Devon couldn't hear what anyone was saying he had to scream like a little baby. Then the quacks confirmed their greatest fear when they told the Winters their boy can't hear and - gasp - they've got to run more tests. So while said tests are being run how will Devon communicate? Pen and paper! Now if only Devon could write. As for whether the hearing loss can be fixed, Dru said sure, as she shoved water into Devon's face only to have pushed away in baby-like fashion. This sad scene only made Lily snivel all the more as she held Neil's hand and Daniel the dork comforted a bawling Dru.

Bawl, bawl, feel sorry for us. We are so upset. We are so unlucky. Not a year goes by that we aren't dealing with some crisis. Our tight-knit pancake-eating family has been betrayed by God - or someone. Who did this to us? If Lily is not to blame - who is? Why must Devon be deaf when he lives for music? What? You didn't catch that line? You didn't see Dru bring Devon all his toys from home? It's a freaking wonder Devon wasn't cuddling a teddy bear through all this.

And now, since it appears Devon will be without his hearing for about six months, how will he cope? My Lord, the boy will have to learn sign language and how to read lips. This from a kid who not so long ago didn't understand the process of checking out a library book.

Then, damn but what lightning must have struck for Devon was putting on his I'm a brave man face. So what if he's deaf? It's just for a little while. Why, Lily will help him. Ah, ha! Isn't this what Devon has always wanted? See? When one door closes, another one opens. If everything falls into place not only with Devon get the girl of his dreams, his family will get back together - again. Gotta be careful though not to blow it. Brave as he is, Devon nevertheless broke down bawling again and there Lily was, at his side, with a nice warm hug. There, there, Devon. Can you hear me now?

Sign of the Cross

September 26, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Here's my confession for the week: the last time I was in college it was 1992 at a community college where I'd enrolled in a remedial accounting class of which I passed with an A. The college, even before 911, was old fashioned. Students were required to show ID and visitors were promptly directed to the office for a visitors pass. Those wishing to audit classes were required to make arrangements in advance with the individual class professor and to do that had to make an appointment at the office. Unlike Genoa City University, at the college I attended, outsiders, those not enrolled as students, were, as far as I know, not allowed to audit anything. They couldn't, as J.T. Hellstrom did today, show up in his girlfriend's class and say he wanted to sit in without prior approval.

But show up the hunkmonkey did and asked what he was doing there was told to get the hell out. This, of course, rendered the professor a jerk. Hanging around with teenagers as he's done before, the got to be pushing thirty J.T. still considers himself a teen at heart. Pretending these past few months to be a private dick, supposedly employed by Newman Enterprises as a security expert, with no missing persons cases to solve, J.T. has gone back to slumming with the likes of Lily Romalotti, her husband, Billy Abbott and yes, his teeny girlfriend, Colleen Carlton.

Keep in mind, J.T. would be hanging with teenager Devon Hamilton too, only on this day Devon, a freshman at GCU, collapsed and was taken to the God Have Mercy Medical Center where he's reported to be suffering from Meningitis. More on that in a moment.

Without having to go through security, J.T. arrived at GCU with Colleen who asked Professor Dud if he'd let a hunkmonkey observe and told no, J.T. was astounded. Nevertheless, J.T. didn't put up too much a fuss and as he left instructed Colleen to take notes on some stinking art class that surely must be required for Colleen to get an all-important bachelor of arts degree. You know, in the event Colleen comes down with meningitis, J.T. can tutor her! What other reason could he have for wanting to audit a single class? If J.T. has a sudden desire to complete his education why doesn't he enroll full-time too? Wouldn't that make more sense?

Sense? In Genoa City? Surely you jest.

If anything made sense in this goofy city a freshman student during her second week of school would never make an ass of herself by interrupting the professor to correct him. Excuse me, Teach. It's not true that Nero fiddled while Rome burned. How do I know this? I just do. Do I have any facts to back my statement up? Facts? Smacks. Pass the Cheese Whiz! What's that, Teach? If I know so much why don't I teach the class? You know what? I might just do that. But first, I need to get back to the Jitter Joint so that my Uncle Billy can say you're picking on me because of my last name and status within the community. Yeah, I'm a Carlton. What of it? Spoiled? Me? Wouldn't you like to know my daddy killed a Nazi with his thighs? We may be Carlton's, but we ain't spoiled. Oh, wait! Here comes the professor now! Ain't we so lucky our teachers hang at the same coffee shops as we do? Say what, Billy? Ask the jerk what his problem is? Damn good idea.

Hey professor! You got a bug up your butt? Why you picking on me? Because I'm getting fat as a pig like my mother? You discriminating against fat people? Why am I so interested in your class? Silly, I love art. Really, my daddy and step-mommy taught me a lot this Summer about reliquaries and such. Do you know Victoria Carlton? She studied art in Italy. What? You are so impressed you want me to be your assistant? Won't the other students laugh their asses off? Guess not. Sure, I'll help you teach something I know little about. It's what we rich kids do. Besides, how else can I make J.T. jealous unless I'm sucking around you all the time?

Meantime, at the GHM, because she didn't really have classes to attend, Lily Romalotti was there for her foster brother along with her parents, Dru and Neil Winters. Mrs. Winters, as expected, was pacing the floor as she blamed herself for Devon's condition - whatever it was. As for having Devon vaccinated for meningitis before entering college where meningitis is known to thrive, Dru said she couldn't get Devon into a doctor's office prior to the start of school because all the doctor's offices were full!

There has never been a time in Genoa City that someone couldn't get something in about an hour. Plane tickets, you name it, if you are rich, it can be had. If it can't be had, if the name Carlton for example doesn't pull enough weight, Victor Newman can always be reached to make things happen especially in this case where the Winters work for Newman. Still, there was no way to see a doctor? Not even when your sister happens to be a doctor? And why were the doctor's offices full? Because so many people were going back to school!

The insanity progressed from that point on with Devon's doctor saying he can't be sure what type of meningitis Devon has. It could be the contagious type - or not. As always, more expensive tests for which the Winters will never see a bill must be run. Plus, no waiting for test results would be complete without at least one affected parents worrying about possible brain damage. And in the blink of an eye a spinal tap was performed on Devon and while waiting for that result the doctor made sure to worry the family further by telling them that meningitis can kill in a matter of hours.

But again, don't you worry about a thing was the day's theme song. If it's not Nikki Newman assuring her husband while he's convulsing that things will be fine, it's the doctor, without knowing whether what Devon has is contagious or not, allowed the family into his room I'm guessing so that not only can it prove what a bunch of quacks run this place are, but for Dru to make the sign of the cross.

Oh, God, please. Make it stop!

The Doldrums

September 20, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

The summer doldrums arrived late this year. In summers past, the slowdown was due to boring teenagers, their zits, who was gonna be the most popular glowworm, how long they could avoid the law and would their parents let them get married at age seventeen.

This summer was different. The kids took a backseat as adults drove themselves to semi-annual tragedies and only now, with the start of the Fall college semester, have teens given new meaning to slurping expensive lattes at the popular Jitter Joint where they study and worry about how fat they're getting when they aren't ordering paying customers around.

The onset of the doldrums gives me pause because it means there won't be much to report on. I mean who - besides Colleen Carlton and her hunkmonkey - give a rip that Colleen's fat? Didn't she see it coming? Doesn't she know better than to eat triple-burgers and cheese fries? Hasn't she noticed her clothes don't fit like they used to? When she looks in the mirror can't she see the rolls of fat? I'm sure this turns J.T. Hellstrom on. Not that he's seen Colleen naked more than once, J.T., with his fine ass and concealed lust for boys, has only porked her once and probably did it just so he can says he's bi and not gay like Devon Hamilton is thought to be.

Devon does have a thing for his foster sister and this week took an interest in two white chicks hanging at the JJ, but as far as anyone knows he's still a virgin and makes guys like me wonder how it is that a boy coming up on nineteen hasn't had sex with a girl or Sharon Newman for that matter. In a city sometimes known as Sodom & Gomorrahville where fornication is so rampant, what's wrong with this boy? What's the crisis he's said to be headed for?

There's speculation that mama-boy's mother is going to die. An addict who tried seducing Devon's foster father, Yolanda Hamilton moved to Seattle where at last report she was said to be doing fine. But you know addicts. Once a druggie always a druggie. Should Yolanda die there will be much hand wringing. It might be too what brings estranged Neil and Dru Winters back together. Wasn't their point of adopting Devon that he'd have a happy family to give him all the luxuries of life? Should Devon go into emotional withdrawal, what better way to snap him out of it? Sure, it might take most of the Fall and Devon's grades could tank, but when has that ever stopped any kid from moving on to the next grade? Devon need only attend Winter School to catch up.

Others think Devon's crisis will be that he discovers the mole on his lip is either cancerous or a raisin from the raisin bran he ate years ago. Or it could be Devon learns Neil is really his biological father and blames Neil for not teaching him the art of using a condom after he's knocked up one of the white girls on a dare to prove he's not gay.

Whatever happens doesn't matter so much as long as it's something. Isn't that Devon's purpose in life? Isn't it about time one of the most boring characters in Genoa City moved back to the limelight or the zoo? Don't we wish to see him rescued for a second time from the tigers? Don't we want Lily Winters Romalotti to be there too to run Neil down and put him in the hospital thereby making the Winters clan realize all that crap they spewed about being the perfect family was just that? Remember all that hype about adoption? Recall the praise heaped upon them for sending the message to the public to adopt more; to be more loving and caring like the Winters?

What went wrong?

What happened to Ashley Abbott's breast cancer? Has she ever had a mammogram since the cancer up and left her sagging teats? What happened to the lump on Jack Abbott's testicle? Has he had them checked since? Is Paul Williams impotent? Would that explain why he hasn't had a woman since doing Christine 'Bug' Blair on a California beach after dumping his year-old son in Los Angeles? Has Victor Newman ever been tested for prostate cancer? When Victor's epilepsy is cast out with he forget about ever having it? Will he ever preach the need for men his age to have a colonoscopy? Do Olivia and Nate Hasting still get tested for AIDS every six months? Had Brad Carlton/George Kaplan ever taken a treadmill test following his heart attack? Was an autopsy performed on Luan Volein to determine what killed her?

Wouldn't it be more interesting to investigate things like that instead of aimlessly waiting for Colleen to blowup like a balloon or Devon's latest breakdown? Hopefully the doldrums won't leave us drifting long.

The Eye of the Beholder

May 11, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

On any given school day, such that it was Thursday in Genoa City considering school here never lets out for the summer break until something like mid-August and just last week Lily Winters was worried she might flunk some test, it would be a safe assumption that of the other two places Lily might be on a day like this - the Little Shop of Horrors where she's worked all of one day and the "shed" she lives in with her teenage husband - Lily might reasonably be expected to be found attending class if say, anyone was looking for her.

And someone was.

Devon Hamilton, Lily's Foster brother and wish he could be Lily's lover, having just learned from Neil Winters that Neil is not Lily's biological daddy, had a sudden urge to see how Lily was holding up. Neil didn't say where Lily was and Devon didn't ask. Neil did, however, tell Devon that the entire story of how Malfunction Winters became Lily's real daddy was "very long and convoluted" and doesn't really matter because he, Neil, will always be Lily's daddy in "every way that matters."

Devon agreed. From his short stay with the Winters as their son he'd come to realize that Neil has always been "a great Dad" to Lily and that he, Neil, has "always been there" for Lily not counting, of course, all those years between age 1 and 16 when Lily was living with her mother in Paris.

"No one can take that away from me," Neil puked, before Devon added that regardless of what has happened, they, the clan, are "still family" and in the event Lily must be having a conniption fit, had better talk with her pronto.

I'll be the first to admit, I was amazed that Devon knew to call Lily's cellphone first. I'm guessing he didn't expect her to be in school because he wasn't either. Lily could have been any number of places, but on this day, at this time of the morning, she was loitering at her husband's workplace!

Before Devon met with Lily, to tell her that no matter what she'll always have a family, Lily was tagging along with Daniel Romalotti as he delivered mail at Newman Enterprises. Foaming at the mouth, Lily went on and on. What if this? What if that? What if her parents breakup? Won't that be the end of the world? Won't it be what she wished for the day she blew back into Genoa City and told Neil was a piece of crap he was for ignoring her all those years and she so wished Wes Carter and her mommy were married so that she'd have a real family? Why, yes, she did. Only now she's flip-flopping like everyone else is this freaked up city. If Neil and Dru break apart it'll be all Lily's fault. Waaaaa!

Predictably, Daniel told Lily not to blame herself. He said her parents are "solid" and assured Lily it was okay if she wanted to hangout at the empire. Lily whined so more. "Poor Devon. His first chance at having a real family and it's falling apart". Even Neil said, "Devon is hurting", but, oddly enough, he wasn't. Devon seemed to be taking it all in stride. For anyone knew, he was, at that moment, planning to get Dru a Mother's Day card. They are, after all, family.

Neil and Dru are solid alright. Solid waste!

Even if Devon was hurting who's fault is it? I'll tell you who. Lorena Davis! That old hag, that probation officer/one-woman adoption agency, had no business putting Devon in with this pack of misfits. Devon would have fared better with a pack of wolves. Like vehicle lemon laws, there should be a parent law in Genoa City. There should be a way kids like Devon and Victor Newman Jr., and Ricky Carl Williams can lookup their parents history so that if anything looks fishy, if it shows the mileage on Dru's face has been rolled back more times than a 1951 Studebaker, said kids can exchange them or get their investment back.

What, too far fetched? Too implausible? Maybe so because despite how pathetic they are, the Winters see themselves Americana personified. They are just the best damn family anyone could want. I guess then it's true what they say. Beauty, or in this case, family is in the eye of the beholder.

The Meaning of Life

April 4, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

My skin was already crawling after hearing another Genoa City boob say Tuesday that Jack Abbott knows what he's doing and that cleaning solvent was found in Jabot Cosmetics' what's old again is new again product known as Glow Again and don't they know anything Jabot concocts can be used as a cleaning solvent when I was reminded that zoo boy Devon Hamilton still has "feelings" for his foster sister, Lily Winters.

I mean, how creepy can it get? How could any adopted kid say he has sexual desires for his sister especially when he knows said sister just got married? True, the marriage is shaky and could be snatched away like Medicare from the needy, but doesn't Devon know what married people do? Doesn't he know that Lily and Daniel Romalotti are living together as man and wife inside the Abbott "shed". Wouldn't a child of four know these teenagers are rocking the bed posts at night? After the many times Daniel has dipped his wick does Devon still lust after Lily?

Why, yes, he does. Neil Winters knows it too and incredibly, told Devon today, "I understand you have feelings for Lily."

When I heard that I nearly lost my lunch. I almost hurled green chunks of bile because at the time the topic of conversation at the Winters household was family values! Oh, I know. The freaks living in this city consider incest just part of the family; something they live with and have come to embrace, but Jesus, can't they display just a little bit of integrity?

Maybe I missed it, maybe I was snoozing yesterday, but I thought the Winters clan had already met at the Athletic Supporter for dinner. Then I remembered Neil was there earlier with Dru but left before Lily and Daniel arrived. So why, if Lily was already there, was Neil and Devon discussing dinner? In order to answer that it helps to first understand how Lily and Daniel were able to get a "signature stamp" out of a desk drawer at Victor Newman's office which is supposedly under the tight security of one hunkmonkey, J.T. Hellstrom, and nobody yet understands how that happened.

The thing was this: Devon wanted to know who Neil wanted him to go to dinner with. Just Neil? Just Mrs. Winters? Just Daniel? Or all five of them? Neil opted for the later, because, well, they are family. It doesn't matter whether he, Neil, is okay with the marriage or not. It is what it is and thus they must deal with it. This means too that Devon is expected to go along to get along. If, as Devon said, he can't get psyched up over a farce of a marriage, then he might not be rewarded with things like expensive Nike's and laptops and tuition money for college. Besides, Lily won't go to dinner at all unless Neil and the clan agree to accept her husband as part of the clan.

"She's long past listening to Dru and me," Neil said of Lily and her refusal to accept that she's still a minor and making one of the biggest mistakes of her pathetic little life. In an effort to sway Lily, Neil asked if Devon might intervene regardless of Devon's feelings and Devon's contention that Lily never listens to a word he says.

During all the confusion Neil forgot that just a few hours ago he'd been the one insisting they have Lily's marriage annulled and ship her back to the gulag in New Hampshire.

"So do we kick her out of our family because she married someone we don't approve of?"

Neil's statement was, of course, not a literal one. The new spin these days is to say something outlandish and later, as the crap hits the fan, say it was figurative. Whatever his flip-flop, Neil wanted Devon to do him a favor because, "You're her brother."

Meanwhile at the club, Lily, Dru, Lily and Daniel were gathered around a table rehashing how Dru had lied her ass off about sleeping with Malfunction Winters. Vowing never to forgive her mother, Lily was taken aback when Dru asked if that's why she's dead. The reference was to Lily's lying on the parental consent form and listing Dru as "deceased". Lily should have said Dru has been brain dead since birth and might have had Dru not flung the word "forged" at her, like any crime Lily has ever committed had any legal ramifications. As for Dru having sex with her brother-in-law, Daniel said not to sweat it. What matters now is that they all "move on". Only Lily wouldn't have any of it. Sweeping a major lie, the "biggest" lie ever told, under the carpet just won't do. That's when Dru lost it.

Given that Lily will be eighteen any day now and there won't be any way to keep her away from Daniel, Dru threatened to have the marriage annulled. This got Lily's attention so she shut her whiny trap for once and listened quietly as Dru said the she and Neil are going along to get along too because, "Our family needs to heal."

Yes, it's the old healing game. If one was, say, a tourist visiting Genoa City for the first time, they might think, gosh, isn't that sweet? Isn't it loving and compassionate that these people are so concerned about family? If only they knew. If only the could strip away the outer layer on these one-dimensional characters they'd see the scars. The Winters have healed so many times their skin can be easily confused with a hot dog that's been left for days on a hot grill.

Why Neil and Devon had their pointless conversation I may never know unless it was to drive home the point that Devon is a deviant. Not five minutes later, or so it seemed, damn but what the two were arriving at the club to join the rest of the clan albeit not for Devon having to pace and give off bad jealously vibes. When Neil brought up the question as to why Lily forged her <wink-wink> uncle's signature on that form, Lily said she did so because the Chapel of Love wouldn't he able to locate Malfunction had they bothered to try.

Keeping in mind that these are sub humans we're dealing with and that Neil had just said how important it was for them to all be a family and Dru stressed the importance of healing, what did Neil say? He told the newlyweds that they won't be having many fancy dinners like the one they'd just consumed! Talk about winning hearts and minds, Lily even had to turn her credit card in! No more free rides on the gravy train.

Which is to say, sort of. While Dru was happy to see the credit card surrendered, she didn't want to be too hard on the child. Accordingly, Lily was told she can keep her cellphone and her car. Not the one Lily abandoned on the outskirts of Illinois during her last crime spree, but the new one her parents gave her after that.

"We don't want you riding the bus to school," Dru actually said.

Oh my, no! We don't want these spoiled brats mingling with the peasants do we? God forbid they might get a taste of real life. Neil was so kowtowed, he began worrying how the babies will pay for gas. Forget that America has an addiction to oil, nothing is too good for his daughter except when it comes to men and credit cards.

And Devon, ass wipe he's become since being hauled out of a life on the streets like a lost puppy, threw a hate ball at the newlyweds when he said they have "no idea what it's like to be poor." Please, Devon. Tell us about it. Tell us the meaning of life.

How Deep is Your Incest?

 
February 22, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Foster child just turned adult Devon Hamilton confessed this week what almost everyone has known since he was first discovered hanging around the Newman Wreck Center; he's got the hots for his foster sister!

It wasn't until Wednesday that Neil Winters saw the warning sign. During dinner at the city's Athletic Supporter Club restaurant Winters observed that his "son" was making goo-goo eyes at his daughter and turning to his helmet-headed wife asked if she'd noticed too.

"I love the way he treats her like a little sister,'' Dru Winters hacked, of her "son" the approximate age as the Winters' delinquent daughter, Lily.

Shocked that his wife can't see what's going on, Mr. Winters had to spell it out and even then Mrs. Winters thought nothing of it since they'd discussed the situation previously when Devon had been caught holding Lily's hand.

"What's a little incest?" Mrs. Winters did not say, but probably should have given the way she's slept around with her sister's men and vice-versa and with Mr. Winters' brother, Malfunction, who is Lily's biological father.

Worried, that if they don't nip a volatile situation in the bud they could have a half-breed grandchild on their hands, Mr. Winters prevented Devon from going with Lily to supposedly help an overweight classmate with her school work and instead insisted that he go over to see some remodeling work recently performed at Newman Enterprises.

After giving his approval to what amounted to new paint on an office wall, Hamilton got the vibe there was an ulterior motive for his being there. That's when his "Dad" laid it on him.

"Do you have feelings for her?" Mr. Winters asked.
"Honestly, I do," Hamilton responded, anticipating correctly that it was wrong.

Told that they are "like brother and sister" and that living under the same roof can only lead to trouble, Hamilton rejected the implication.

"I could move out," he actually said, as if by being away from his sister's home would make it okay for him to have sex with her.

Mr. Winters wouldn't hear of it. Eighteen, adult, in lust with his daughter, it doesn't matter. Hamilton is staying put. He can be with Lily, except not in the way he wants.

Very pissed, Hamilton saw this infringement on his potential blossoming love life as nothing more than a man not wanting his daughter to grow up and saw for the first time why the Winters keep calling Daniel Romalotti, the boy currently holding the key to Lily's love tunnel, a "bad seed".

"Is there any guy who will be good enough for your daughter?" Hamilton spewed, and then, in the event Mr. Winters hadn't heard him the first time, made it clear.

"I have deep feelings for Lily and I'm not going to hide that."

Birthday Baby Turns 18

February 7, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Have you been hitting the school books a little too hard? Have you been behind the bedroom door so engrossed in algebra when you barely know how to multiply that you didn't hear the people outside scurrying around putting up decorations on your eighteenth birthday? You haven't? Where there for art you Romeo? What have you been putting up your nose? Can you not smell the adopted sister you lust for when she's in the same box with you? Are you becoming like Genoa City's mole-lip teenager Devon Hamilton?

Studying so hard to maintain a passing grade so that Boston College won't retract the full scholarship it gave him late last year, birthday boy Hamilton was totally blown away Tuesday when he emerged from his box within the infamous Winters' wooden box to find the place completely decorated in honor of his much talked about eighteen birthday. Looking around, the kid whined. After all the trouble he's put the Winters through why on earth would they celebrate his birthday? It's not like Christmas when they gave him the most expensive pair of Nike's on the market. And what's that big box on the coffee table? For me? Gosh, what could be in it?

Like a sullen nine-year-old from the projects who thought his family was too poor to buy much more than a can of beans but found a stack of gifts at the foot of his mattress on the morning of his tenth birthday, Hamilton opened the box and lo, out popped Lily Winters!

The girl of his dreams, the girl Hamilton hopes will forget pasty white boy Daniel Romalotti so that he'll be free to lust after her more aggressively than sleeping with her photo under his pillow, the new and improved and swearing those New Hampshire reform schools really do work, Lily slithered forth to hug her adopted bro and thanked her parents for setting her free. To show that she's learned her lesson, Lily took a pledge to stay away from Romalotti while her mother presented another gift to the birthday boy, this one from his biological mother.

The boweival-infested sweater also came with a card personally written by Yolanda Hamilton in which she spoke of thinking about her boy on his big day and that while chronologically Devon is a "man" he'll always be her "special" boy.

Just when Devon was maybe thinking that his day could only get better if someone had thought to give him a gift certificate at some one-hour plastic surgery shop so that he could have that mole removed from his lip, adopted daddy Neil Winters shouted out, "Try on it, Son".

Nearly orgasmic, Devon stopped in his, um, tracks.

"I like when you call me that," he told Neil, who reminded him that since he's of age he's technically "not our foster son anymore."

Taken aback, Devon was about to have another whining fit.

"I hope you won't kick me out," he began to snivel until Neil stuck a pacifier in his mouth.

"We can't force you to stay [and] neither can the State [Wisconsin]. You're free to make you own decisions."

Devon was so elated he made his first adult decision. Like Jack Abbott, like so many other grownups in Genoa City who live with their parents, it was Devon's to stay with the Winters family at least until they finish paying for his college tuition insomuch as he's pretty much decided to chuck the scholarship in favor of attending the local university.

Blushing, although you had to be there to tell, the words "family" and "college" were music to Neil's ears. And seeing her husband near tears, Mrs. Winters recalled a time when Devon was an angry punk on the streets robbing 7-11 customers.

"[He] turned into a beautiful young man," Dru cackled, as Devon opened gift #3 - a laptop computer.

At nearly $1000 the Winters said they were happy to shell out the bucks so long as the boy, um, man, used it to further his education and not for surfing the net looking for sexual predators as their daughter had. That Devon would probably sit for days clicking the mouse in front of the screen and wondering why it won't turn on did not matter. In time, and perhaps a tutorial from Lily, Devon would eventually get the laptop to run.

The party over, Neil said he had to get back to the business of bringing home the bacon and Dru said she was going out of town again to promote the sale of toxic chemicals they depend on now more than ever to fund Devon's expensive lifestyle.

Seeing a chance to run wild passing by, Lily snapped it up. Could she hang out at the Jitter Joint? As that look of didn't this child learn anything crossed their minds Devon interjected to say that because his classes at high school don't start until "third period" he'd tag along to keep an eye on Lily. Incredibly, the real adults, the parents who failed Parenting 101, did not object to Lily going to the one place Romalotti was sure to be. It was, after all, theirs and the birthday boy's, special day.

While the return of Lily, and Devon's turning eighteen, were meant to be tear jerking family values moments, one thing stuck out like a sore thumb. Despite how the Winters say Devon was adopted he is nevertheless a foster child as evidenced by the many times they've held the threat of returning him to the State of Wisconsin over his head

In most states, California in particular, a foster child who turns eighteen does not have the option of staying with the foster parents. Considered adults in every sense of the word, foster kids who become of age are required to leave the nest and make the remaining journey through life on their own.

How Deep is Your Love?

January 10, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

I knew it, I knew it. There's always been something sick about Devon Hamilton. His sickness is probably what attracted him to the Winters family and vice-versa. The teenager is hot for his adopted sister.

Oh, it's true. Devon said so himself. What's sicker, he told his biological mother which only made the situation downright incestuous in that Yolanda Hamilton said she's got no problem with Devon wanting to get it on with Lily Winters if that's what it'll take to make him happy.

It's not like he and Lily are blood, Devon knows it's not right to have "feelings" for Lily so long as they're living under the same roof. Not that they are, not that Devon has forgotten Lily is away in New Hampshire, it's that vibe, that stench in the Winters home constantly reminding Devon that Lily is still there in spirit.

How Devon came to fess up Tuesday was part of a revelation that like the Winters he's a backstabber too. Just hours after refusing to do his father's dirty work by giving his part-time friend Daniel Romalotti a Dear John letter from Lily, Devon spewed that he's never liked Romalotti much.

"That guy is bad for her," he said, adding that should Lily come home it would mean she and Daniel getting back together and he's never understood what Lily sees in the spoiled white boy. After all, Daniel can't be thinking about Lily all the time like he is. Daniel can't miss Lily half as much as he does or have a "thing" for Lily.

"I've got a thing for her and it's not like she's my sister either," Devon blurt out, and then trying to cover the implication of his statement said only, "I probably shouldn't have said that."

Urging the boy to be himself, to put those incestuous feelings out there for the world to see, Yolanda told Devon, "I'm glad you did".

Feeling a little guilty, Devon asked if Yolanda thought wanting his sister was in any way "weird" and was told unequivocally, "There is nothing wrong with that."

Yolanda's contention; that because the teens aren't related; that they "didn't grow up together" and therefore it's okay to act out his fantasy, was complicated only by the fact that technically Lily and Devon still live together. But it's a temporary roadblock Yolanda said she might fix. Now that she's making big bucks as a Newman Enterprises mailroom clerk Yolanda said it won't be long until she and Devon have a home of their own. When that happens, if Devon wants to ask Lily out or jump her bones, it'll be perfectly on the up and up.

Leaving no doubt that he's serious about getting into Lily's panties, Devon also announced today he has no intention of attending Boston University on a full scholarship because moving to Beantown would put him too far away from Lily.