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What's in a Name?
See also: John Abbott  Business News

December 14, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Yikes! How would you have liked to have been the judge at Gloria Fisher-Abbott's I-demand-to-use-the-Abbott-name hearing? And my, how speedy it was. Injunction issued against the old woman one day and in less than 72-hours she's in court! If only Devon Hamilton were so lucky? Poor dude has been charged with murder going on three weeks and not word one on when his trial will be. Given there are so many other suspects, had Hamilton a real lawyer he'd be free by now.

Alas, that's the way it is in Genoa City. Two justice systems. One for the rich, one for the poor.

With an impending rain storm hanging over the city, Mrs. Fisher saw it as a sign of good things to come. Surely Thor, or whichever god controls rain, would cast a downpour on Jack and Ashley Abbott's parade. That would teach those slugs to mess with her. When old man John 'Yawn' Abbott married her he intended she have the name too. If that wasn't enough to convince a judge there was the fact that this day, of all days, would have been her 1st wedding anniversary not counting the second time she married the old fool.

And lo, but the mere mention of the dead man's name and what Yawn appeared in the flesh. They carried on a conversation as if the geezer was still alive. Gloria even said she felt Yawn was right there with her because, well, he was. If there was a problem it's that Yawn didn't get to testify in court on Gloria's behalf.

Confident as always that they'd win, the Abbott's were sure no judge in his right mind would validate a marriage of one year. That Yawn and Gloria lived together and fed those bratty kids and put a roof over their empty heads didn't make the marriage legal. Another judge ruled in their favor concerning Yawn's will so this pipsqueak hearing over a name would be a slam dunk.

A busy itinerary this day, Yawn beamed before Jack to say not to count his chickens. All the eggs hadn't hatched. Regardless, Jack remained sure of himself. As he and his sperm stealing sister waited for the hearing to start, they continued sputtering about what poor Yawn had gone through living with Gloria and especially that psycho former husband she'd brought into the family. Never mind that Ashley dated and conspired with Tom Fisher, it was all Gloria's fault. For his part, Jack whined about Yawn having to spend his final days in prison. Once again, Tom Fisher made the old guy shoot in dead in cold blood.

As expected, when the Fisher family showed up in court there was a hullabaloo of feuding like a pack of hillbillies over a still. Gloria spewed it was a good thing Yawn hadn't come to the hearing or else he'd have seen what a miserable excuse for a son Jack is. Unbeknownst to her, Yawn was there watching everything. That's one of the good things about being a ghost. You can pick and choose when you want to be seen. For those who have never seen a ghost, there's a switch on the side of the neck. One click, nobody can see. Two clicks, everybody can see. Three clicks, only those the ghost want to see can see. See? If the switch is broken the ghost can rattle his/her chain the appropriate amount of times as an alternative. So, of course, Gloria couldn't hear or see Yawn when he told Jack again what a slug Jack is because he had the switch on position 3.

As for the trial itself, had I been the judge I would have told that pack of whiners to clear the courtroom. I'm not interested in whether Yawn and Gloria were happy. Either show me some evidence as to why Gloria shouldn't be able to use the Abbott name or shut the hell up! Don't give me some mumbo-jumbo about the old man's subconscious. What do you think this is? A freaking séance? A reading of the crystal ball?

Despicable as Gloria is, I would have done the same thing the judge did. For Christ's sake let her use the Abbott name! God knows, everyone else has. I mean, when you've got a sperm thief in the family using the name, what does it matter?

Perpetual Dysfunction

December 11, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Like so many in Genoa City I am forgetful. I tend to overlook what Gloria Fisher has done. That's right, Fisher. We've gone back to Fisher because legally, Gloria can't use the Abbott name. Jack and Ashley Abbott snapped their fingers and without so much as a hearing all the facts or Gloria's side of the story, some sleepy judge issued an injunction against Gloria.

Adding insult to injury, a nondescript game show called Extreme Catwalk got the news almost as fast as Gloria did. To avoid legal problems, the producers notified Gloria she can't be a judge on the show as they're looking for the name, not the person. It is most important to game shows that its viewing audience be aware of the judges names and that the show only select the cream of the crop. Never mind that outside Wisconsin nobody has ever heard of Jabot Cosmetics, or that the Abbott family has run it to the brink of bankruptcy a number of times, a show in tinsel town needs an Abbott on the panel of judges.

To that end the show contacted Jabot CEO Jill Abbott to ask if she'd like to replace Gloria. Within moments of saying she did, a delivery man was at Jabot with a package for Jill. No surprise, on a business day during business hours, there was no receptionist on duty to sign for the package. Gloria was though. Claiming to be Jill, she signed for and opened the package. Shocked at what she saw, Gloria grumbled that Jill screwed her and when that didn't change Jill's mind about accepting the offer, she blabbed that Jack and Ashley took away her name.

Poor Gloria. Jill felt sad; she felt compassion; she tracked Ashley down. She slammed the sperm thief. She said that if anyone doesn't deserve to use the Abbott name, it's Ashley. Jill didn't get into exactly why. She didn't remind Ashley that she's not an Abbott and let old man John Abbott go to his grave thinking Ashley was his biological daughter. Jill did say that Ashley's a hypocrite and started sputtering about how Ashley has changed since the old man died. She hasn't, really. Ashley is still as sleazy as she ever was.

From Ashley's point of view Gloria wasn't legally an Abbott and therefore not the best choice to represent the Abbott family on some little heard of game show. Jill said that wasn't the point. The point is that Gloria is getting screwed over and Jill isn't the only one to feel that way. As her mother-in-law, Lauren Baldwin feels Gloria got a raw deal too. Jack and Ashley have gone too far. It was enough that they kicked Gloria out of the Abbott Hotel and stuck Gloria and her youngest son in the Baldwin condom.

Taking the Abbott name away from Gloria was over the top. Don't Jack and Ashley realize that now Gloria will have to change her return address labels? Her designer stationary? Her embossed hankies and bed sheets? Why is everyone picking on Gloria? Because it's easy? Because it makes people feel sorry for her and forget the horror she unleashed?

Starting with Gloria's condoning the locking of her own son in a closet, she's gone on to worm her way into the Abbott family, convinced the old man to marry her without revealing she was still legally married to Tom Fisher, helped and encouraged Kevin Fisher to commit a number of crimes and tainted a Jabot skunk oil cream that not only caused a rash to breakout on John Abbott's precious granddaughter, but is thought responsible for the death of Emma Gibson.

That death resulted in a mega media affair. The Jabot and Abbott names were drug through the mud. A special damage control expert from New York had to be called in to clean up Gloria's mess and then said expert, one Carmen Mesta, was found dead. And though it all, for all the bad press, a game show wants an Abbott on its panel of judges? People are feeling sorry for Gloria? What in hell is wrong with them?

It's an ongoing question spawned of the jaded, pessimistic spirit: Just how stupidly self-destructive are they? How much longer can the rich and unhappy possibly survive before they simply blow themselves to smithereens? This much we know: Genoa City moves along in fits. While many of us like to envision some sort of cosmic flash that will wake everyone up, in fact, the elite here are in perpetual dysfunction. Two steps forward, one step back, and three steps sideways they always end up where they began.

Wheel of Chemicals

December 5, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Did you fall off your seat when you heard? You didn't hear? There's an article in a magazine, I think it's Vogue, about Glo, I'm a Ho, skunk oil. What? The toxic swill hasn't hit the market yet? It hasn't been tested on animals or approved by the FDA? Doesn't matter. Samples of the stuff were sold on the Internet. Without knowing what the goop smelled like, people snapped it up. Makers of Glo, I'm a Ho, were so impressed they promised the line would be mass produced.

When Gloria Abbott read the article she got high. As the skunk oil's namesake, she must have thought her stepdaughter, the manufacturer's one and only skunk oil sniffer, would be impressed with the projected dollar signs dancing in her head. Only she would have thought wrong. Ashley Abbott, Jabot Cosmetics' lone lab rat, was fit to be tied. After all the time that has passed since Gloria and John Abbott were married, Ms. Abbott has only now gotten around to bitching that Gloria is using the Abbott name illegally. Seems the marriage wasn't legal. Genoa City has laws about that. Doesn't matter that two people might have loved each other and lived together for nearly a year. Besides, Gloria is a whore.

Before John Abbott's body had started rotting, before the old man turned into a ghost, Gloria was offering her family jewels to Will Bardwell. She managed to find a string of pearls similar to those worn by Bardwell's dead wife. She managed to wear another skunk oil like the one Mrs. Bardwell once wore. This impressed Bardwell. It made him remember too that he hasn't had sex in a decade and that any old woman at this point will do so long as he's got a good supply of Viagra. But which woman? Gloria the hag, or Jill Abbott the hag?

On the hag scale, Gloria rates a 10 whereas Jill rates a 5. It's not so much Ms. Abbott's concern who rates what as it is that Gloria is a whore and moreover, what really ticks Ms. Abbott off, is that Gloria spoke with the Press about the skunk oil without her permission. Oh, yes! The Press hounds these people like a dog. The Press hasn't hounded a kid charged with murder, but it's always around when word of a new skunk oil gets out. While this is good for sales, while the CEO of Jabot has approved, it's not good for office politics.

It was then by some fluke that out of the blue Ms. Abbott would receive an invitation to be a judge on some game show in Los Angeles. Name That Skunk Oil. The Million Dollar Landfill. Wheel of Chemicals. Joining our panel of judges all the way from the Cosmetics Capitol of the World, please welcome Ashley Abbott!

Oops... Ms. Abbott wasn't interested. She passed up 15-minutes of fame. She may have feared the nation would recognize her as the woman who stole a man's sperm and impregnated herself with it and subsequently killed another man's baby. She may have feared viewers would recall the days she wandered aimlessly in the rain searching for her mind and spanking herself for aborting yet another baby in her belly. Game show producers though were not put off. They wasted no time contacting the skunk oil's creator. The World and Genoa City waited with bad breath. Would Gloria Abbott accept?

See Also: Wheel of Misfortune

Glo-Ho Perfume

October 9, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Remember the magic orchid scandal and how Jabot Cosmetics had to hire special lab rat Damon Porter to work day and night in an effort to come up with a way to convert the orchids' special ingredients into a product Jabot could dump on its few remaining customers and how a few select Jabot executives flew to Japan where Lily Winters of all people stumbled upon the rare orchid right in the backyard of a five-star hotel and then the orchids were smuggled into the United States?

Like most everything Jabot touches the orchid project was a miserable failure. Months of time and energy were wasted and eventually, after losing his job and attempting to kill a man, Porter left town never to be seen again.

The point I'm trying to make is that for all the Rash & Sassy products, for all the Tuvia and Safra and Glow by Jabot and toxic chemical swill, it takes years to develop a new product never mind an entire line of products.

An entire line like the new and improved Jabot Glo-Ho Perfume.

Named after new employee Gloria Fisher Abbott, the perfume has already passed the smell test by the likes of Phyllis Summers. Summers, you may be asking. The same Summers who stole one of the magic orchids and held it briefly for ransom? Yes, that Phyllis Summers gave her nod of approval to Glo-Ho today after she was given a sample by Mrs. Abbott. But, you might ask, doesn't Summers work for the competition?

Nope. Not anymore. A few old Jabot employees struck out on their own. They developed something called NVP and now NVP consists of a whopping three wellness spas chain with one store conveniently located overseas! Afghanistan, or some far off country like that. Crazy? Sure it's crazy, but you see Phyllis never got around to locking up real estate on the West Coast for the chain and so NVP had to get by the best it could.

To sweeten the deal, NVP hooked up with Jabot to sell Jabot products inside the three the spas. If you've been following the bouncing beauty bar ball you know too that last week Jabot was sold to the infamous House of Kim Chee. Owned by Koreans, HOKC is headquartered in Tokyo and appointed ousted Jabot CEO Jack Abbott, banned by a court order from having anything to do with Jabot, as its new CEO. And, while Abbott's appointment is being kept secret from the rest of the world, HOKC either doesn't know of the court order or has no apparent regard for U.S. law. It also doesn't know that as CEO, Abbott drove Jabot to the edge of bankruptcy a number of times.

HOKC also doesn't seem to know that some of the same people it has agreed to keep on the payroll were also responsible for Jabot's demise pushing the majority of it into the hands of corporate hag Katherine Chancellor Sterling. Said to have been a dear friend of Jabot's founder John 'Yawn' Abbott, Sterling thought nothing of snatching Jabot away from the Abbott family and selling it following old man Abbott's death.

Not that the geezer is dead. Yawn continues stalking the city as a ghost and not a very good one at that. Yawn cannot, for example, be seen by anyone other than his son and cannot, for instance, throw a monkey wrench or two into his son's or Sterling's business dealings.

Getting back to Glo-Ho perfume, its creator has never spent an hour in the Jabot lab. Gloria hasn't, like Porter or Jabot chief skunk oil sniffer Ashley Abbott, slaved away over a Bunsen burner inhaling toxic fumes from colored vials. She has been worrying about her job and her son's job at Jabot and encouraged both hers sons to commit crimes, however. She herself committed a crime against humanity when she tainted a Jabot skin cream resulting in the death of one Emma Gibson.

Again, if you missed it, the point is that it usually takes months to come up with a new perfume and yet Gloria, without stepping into a lab, has her very own line of perfume and the Abbott's, including Jack and Ashley Abbott who a few days so hated Gloria they kicked her out the Abbott home. Only now, you'd never know any animosity ever existed between the Fishers and the Abbotts. You'd never know that Jack prevent Gloria from attending Yawn's funeral and, at the time, Gloria implied she'd never forgive Jack. Except she has. All Jack and Ashley had to say was that they like her perfume, gave the impression they'll help get it to market, and Gloria was on her arthritic knees licking their boots.

Gloria's sudden approval without question is part of the Abbott's scam to keep Jabot's true ownership secret. While she should be very suspicious of this change of heart, Gloria explained it away by saying Jack cares more about making money and less about hating her. Again, an odd statement given that - from all appearances - Jack owns so much of NVP he can threaten to end the deal between Jabot and NVP, what money is there to be made? Has Gloria been privy to NVP's P&L statement? Does she think NVP clients will line up to buy her perfume after they've had cow pies strapped to their faces in the sauna?

As I've asked so many times: what is wrong with these people? Do they think we won't notice their flawed approach to just about everything? Do they think we don't remember that Jabot was so hard up for sales in 2004 it terminated Jabot's best selling Men's Line? If, before taking on a new, untested, unproven line, shouldn't they bring back a known best seller? Shouldn't Jabot, like the successful Newman Enterprises, have a useless public relations expert from New York on staff? Who will buy Glo-Ho perfume without one?

Absentee Worker Demands Promotion!

September 5, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

After my character assassination of the person responsible for the dumb things the elite residents of Genoa City say and do, the theme today is compelling and emotional. I, for one, am quite emotional that Gloria Fisher-Abbott had the gall to demand from her employer that she be given a promotion and a raise.

I could understand if Gloria had been working in fat ass off at Jabot Cosmetics for a year or more, but when has she ever worked at Jabot? I know, like her son she was given a position at the toxic chemical company a few months ago merely because she's the founder's wife, but what has she done besides taint already tainted products? When, besides the time she was concocting her dastardly deed and pimping for her son, has Gloria even been at the office? When, in just the past few weeks, has she had time to be at the office? Wasn't she too busy scraping up $10,000 to bail her son out of a blackmailing scheme? Wasn't she spending days and nights hovering over her husband's hospital death bed?

And what did she do with that $10,000?

Did she let Alex the Bogeyman keep it? Assuming Gloria isn't that stupid, wouldn't $10,000 get her a few nights at the Genoa City Hotel or the Athletic Supporter Motel? Why did she - and her son - have to move in with her newly wedded son and his wife? Why is it that Gloria seems not to have any money at all? Didn't old man John 'Yawn' Abbott fund her personal checking account? What about Social Security death benefits?

Jack Abbott may have screwed Gloria out of getting any of Yawn's will, but Jack can't prevent SS from paying benefits to Gloria which, given Yawn's income over the years, must be in excess of $1,000 monthly.

Maybe it's like unemployment in this city. Whenever the wealthy here are fired, or quit their jobs, they never file for UI benefits. They never go on food stamps or welfare. Having to go on the government dole is shameful, but maybe it's because the people here know it's only a matter of time before someone hands them a new, and usually plush, job on a silver platter.

Kevin Fisher on the other hand has come to his senses. He's said to be looking into whether there's an opening at the AC Motel and won't have to worry about the monthly bill because, unlike his mother apparently, Kevin has money. He has lottery winnings he hasn't touched. He owns a very popular coffee shop and holds a high-level position at Jabot. Doesn't matter that Kevin has only spent an hour at Jabot, it's the nepotism that keeps Kevin and Gloria and the Abbotts and the Newmans and the Cartlons/Kaplans and the Chancellors going.

This is the compulsion. It compels us to ask how anyone like Gloria can demand to be given not only a raise, but a better position too! A commoners, a peasant, would never dare ask for a raise with less than a year on the job. Getting a promotion in such short a time would be out of the question. Most would be happy just to have their health benefits kick in.

It'll be interesting to see Jabot CEO Jill Abbott's and Jabot majority stockholder Katherine Sterling's reaction to Gloria's demand. Will either of them ask Gloria what makes her qualified to work at Jabot? Will they ask what it is she currently does at Jabot or why she hasn't come in to work for several weeks? Maybe Gloria will put on a song and dance for them. She could whine and bawl how Yawn left her penniless. She could say she's broke and can't afford a place to live. Jill and Katherine could nod their heads in agreement. They could say they understand Gloria squanders her monthly salary on bug-eye spray. They could say they understand a drawing down two salaries Kevin can't afford a place of his own where his mommy might move.

They will grant Gloria's wish so that she can be around to suck Billy Abbott's teat if, as expected, Billy takes his rightful place on the Jabot throne. Too bad for Gloria, that won't help her if Billy swears an oath to support his older brother. It won't be amazing when Jack proposes that NVP, a just barely on its feet as a chain of wellness spas of which there is only one, buy out Jabot.

Yes, you read correctly. With no revenue to speak of less than a year after opening, NVP nevertheless has money to buy out a company like Jabot and that's assuming Katherine would want to sell. Yes, we the casual observers, will be rewarded with the realism these unreal situations brighten our lives with and make us run out screaming to our employers "we want a raise - and a promotion - and we want it now!"

Evicted, Rich Widow & Son Seek Shelter Inside Crowded Condom

August 29, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

My worst fears are coming true. I thought sure there's no way a judge would validate John 'Yawn' Abbott's second will but I forgot that the judge's in this city are corrupt. I mean, what judge, when seeing someone stand up in his/her courtroom to say he/she hindered justice and covered up evidence, as Nick Newman did, would allow the person confessing to just walk away without demanding the person be charged with a crime?

Only a Genoa City judge. Those sleepy characters who allow their courtrooms to be disrupted and divorce attorneys to represent crime suspects all the while I suspect while manipulating some sexual device behind their benches and under their robes. The list of criminal justice blunders is long. The Phyllis Summers Abbott trial. The Kevin Fisher persecution. The Victor Newman commercial bribery case. The Daniel Romalotti trial. Flip through the history of these and other court cases and see what jokes they were.

Let us not forget that private eye Paul Williams has committed numerous crimes, was recently part of, and witness to, the killing of two Nazis in Ohio and did not come forward to report the incident to police. In fact, Williams agreed to cover the killings up as a favor to George Kaplan who did the actual killing and so far as anyone knows the Cleveland PD never found the bodies, or if they did, have not launched an investigation.

Besides Kaplan and members of his family and a certain hunkmonkey skirting the law, in addition to Gloria Abbott getting away with the murder of an unsuspecting victim thought to have died after applying toxic goop to her body tainted by Abbott, Mrs. Abbott has yet to face the music and now members of her extended family are committing crimes against her.

Take Jack Abbott for example. Without so much as giving his step-mother legal notice to vacate property left to him by his dead father, Jack has locked Gloria out of the Abbott home. Jack ordered his imprisoned and sickly father to write a new will which the court is expected to declare supercedes a legally executed will because, apparently, will #2 was written by Yawn's own hand.

And while she suspects her brother is a crook, Ashley Abbott condones Jack's action because she, a baby killer and sperm thief, will join Jack by the end of the week in a smear campaign against Gloria. Incredibly, a creepy judge, perhaps the same judge who declares Yawn's second will as the will of choice, will entertain Jack and Ashley's trashing of Gloria. They will spew their hatred and say what an evil woman Gloria is when they co-authored the book of evil.

Only a return from the grave by his father may convince Jack that what he's doing is wrong and even then it'll mostly likely take awhile for him to figure out that nothing good ever comes from being evil. And, of course, while this drags out, it's a good bet Gloria won't call the cops, or her mostly useless as a lawyer son, so that she can at least get her makeup out of the Abbott home. Why she'd want to live under the same roof with those evil creatures one minute more than she must seems to be the unanswered question unless doing so makes her feel closer to the dead.

In the meantime, her junk in plastic Glad bags, Gloria, and her despicable son will live in the very cramped and crowded condom Michael and Gloria Baldwin call home. She's already moved in and from the outset began ordering people around, preparing her tea and soaking her ass in bubble bath.

Kevin Fisher moved in too. Why, only Satan knows. Here's a freak trying to pass himself off as the second coming of Christ, he owns a coffee shop which surely most have a backroom where he can pitch a cot, he's also got a fancy job and a big office at Jabot Cosmetics where he's worked all of one hour, he had lottery winnings at his disposal and yet he can't afford a sleazy motel?

Just last week Kevin told Yawn's son and granddaughter they should lead dignified and righteous lives and what was Kevin doing today? Lashing out at Billy Abbott who isn't living at the Abbott Hotel and who has no say over what his big brother does. Stranger still, for someone who can't stand the Abbotts, for someone who must see Billy as the enemy, why Kevin allows any member of that family inside his shop remains to be seen.

There are those who thought Kevin got a raw deal when Williams and that so-called real police detective Hank Weber tried to nail his ass. Had Kevin not turned into the forgiven "changed man" after that those same people might agree Billy needs his ass kicked for not attending his own father's funeral, but not by sissy-boy Kevin. His wailing that Yawn was the father he never had was like pissing in the wind. The more he pees the more it splatters all over him. Sure, his mother has problems with the Abbotts, but she's a big bug-eyed girl. Gloria knows better than to get mad; she gets even and quite nicely without Kevin pretending to be a man when he's but a mommy's boy.

High-Ho, High-Ho, It's Off to the ER they Go

March 29, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Just once I'd like to be on hand at the God Have Mercy Medical Center receiving desk when a Genoa City socialite is rolled in for what they think is an emergency. I'm not talking about a heart attack, or something that warrants immediate treatment by a doctor. I am not, of course, talking about a real hospital emergency room either.

What I am talking about are those rich bitches and bastards who run to the hospital for the slightest of reasons. Hangnail? Stubbed toe? No bowel movement in twelve hours? Paper cut? Boil? Rash? Better get to the ER pronto. And if a doctor doesn't recognize said prospective patient from his or her hundreds of other pointless visits, more often than a not a fuss is made. Damn doctors. Never one willing to drop caring for other patients with real emergencies to see what the malingerers want.

"Hey Marge. Here they come again. Two of those rich Abbotts!" a clerk might say. "Wonder what the problem is this time? Can't fart?" another might add as another says, "Why is it that when I'm passing a kidney stone I can't get a doctor to see me as fast as these people can?"

It's a valid point.

Why, when a peasant finds the manure he's shoveling has caused a rash to break out on his face, must he make an appointment with his doctor and often those appointments are days from the outbreak? The answer is obvious. Peasants aren't rich! They can't afford to pay the $500 fee ER's charge just to walk through the door. They often don't have health insurance to pay for the extensive tests doctors run to pad the bill, or if they do have insurance, such coverage usually contingent on a $1000 deductible.

Not so when it comes to the wealthy and well connected.

Take Gloria Abbott for example. When a rash broke out on her face, when the creeping crud she purposely applied to her face began eating it alive and the pills she took in anticipation of the pain failed to work, Gloria was taken to the GHM and predictably whined when a team of doctors didn't appear at her beck and call.

Expected to be treated and released, after a battery of tests, it's safe to say Gloria won't ask where to go to pay her bill. Why is that? Because the rich don't get bills. They never worry about money. Even when they pretend to worry that there's no money to keep their toxic businesses afloat there's always some money to be found somewhere. Look at Jabot Cosmetics. For years on the brink of bankruptcy this company always finds a way to evade the bill collectors.

Look at Noah Newman. After bumping his head during basketball practice the rich kid was rushed to the GHM, deemed to have sustained a "conclusion", but was home within hours eating Homer Burgers and lots of other stuff laced with sugar.

And within the thirty-minute time span of Gloria's arrival at the GHM, damn but what little Abby Carlton was whisked through the doors with a similar case of creeping crud disease.

It doesn't matter what these rich people come down with, there's always a bevy of family members standing around wringing their hands in the hallway too. Just once it would be nice to hear a doctor say to them, "Don't you people get tired of coming in here every other day? Would it be too much to ask that you call your family physician to lance that boil on your ass? Do you have any idea how many patients with true emergencies have died because I had to come out here to clip the long hair hanging out your nose?"

Of course, the GHM executives in their ivory towers love it because live or die they always collect their money. While never seen paying bills, the rich here have people who do that for them. Nick and Sharon Newman employ personal accountants who do everything from paying their MasterCard bills to wiping their butts.

Bills? We don't pay no stinking bills. Family doctors working out of dilapidated buildings in run down sections of the city? Not for the rich. When they so much as suspect they might be coming down with something, when they bump their pointed heads, it's off to the ER they go.

Man of Integrity

March 21, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

It's what all the major cosmetics companies do. Whenever a new product needs hyping they run straight to the television tabloid, eXtra.

And thus that must explain why Genoa City's Jabot Cosmetics is doing the same thing. As CEO of the company, Jill Abbott has arranged for eXtra reporter Jerry Penacoli to stop by Jabot for what was termed "taking clips" of Jabot's newest toxin, the as yet unnamed sunscreen and moisturizer all-in-one.

"It'll be a sort of a self-contained story [which] will run exclusively on Extra," says Jill, adding that once eXtra has had it's chance, the morning shows, business journals and cable networks nationwide will get their crack at it.

"That's an interesting concept," chief skunk oil sniffer, President of Jabot and all around sperm thief, Ashley Carlton noted, as everyone in the real world of cosmetics shook their heads and muttered under their breath, "What the F?"

For those unable to comprehend such utter BS, Jill put it in simple terms.

"It's sort of like a press release, but it's more like a manufactured news clip with more spontaneity."

And for those who couldn't understand the lowest common denominator they are as morons, Ashley went on to say that such "spontaneity" comes with "less control" and therefore, presumably, she wasn't giving her seal of approval because if Jill's plan flops it would cause all her "hard work" to become "buried under an avalanche of negative publicity."

It can never be asked often enough: for a pack of liars and thieves and all-around morons, how do the executives running Jabot Cosmetics into the ground keep their jobs? How does a company like Jabot that has consistently lagged in sales and for years been on the edge of bankruptcy survive and who buys the crap it sells?

Newest member of the crack Abbott family, Gloria Fisher-Abbott wasted no time informing Jabot's competitor of the impending press conference which really wasn't open to the Press and fully explained why Victor Newman billed the event as "Ashley's press conference."

Asked if he would be attending, the "face" of Jabot, Jack Abbott said, "It's only one reporter; closed door; key executives only" but nevertheless gave permission for Gloria to attend. When she did, Gloria was told to sit down and shut up while the man from eXtra did his thing. The questions ranged from asking Jill what if any role Jabot founder John 'Yawn' Abbott played to asking Ashley if the public might be leery of buying anything from such a troubled and despicably run company.

Rather than avoid the question like both Jack and Jill did, Ashley jumped into the crap with both feet.

"Our customers have always been our first priority," she ranted until the reporter was giddy at having the chance for another eXtra "exclusive."

That's when Gloria put the kibosh on their little exclusive. She ran her mouth how Yawn built Jabot with his bare feet and with the help of a "loving family" turned the company into "an internationally known company with quality products".

As for Yawn being imprisoned, Gloria flicked off that little problem much like she's flicks cooties out of her crotch.

"It proves what a man of integrity he [Yawn] is. He wanted to do what is right. We all love him even more for that," Gloria rambled on and nobody, not a single person, broke down in uncontrollable laughter.

These people, so full of themselves. So thinking that a man rotting in prison for killing another man in cold blood represents "integrity".

Ugly Incompetence

March 20, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

We have to realize, the business of mass producing cosmetics in Genoa City is merely an ongoing cycle of discovering new products, of lurching forward and then stumbling back and brewing up more gunk to market to those who enjoy smelling like dead skunk.

The number two cosmetics maker, Jabot Cosmetics, hasn't had a new product since Tuvia failed and even though a 51% ownership by Chancellor Industries saved Jabot's financial ass, it continues hovering at the edge of bankruptcy. Ashley Carlton, the company president, her brother, Chancellor's CEO Jack Abbott who has since declared himself to be the "face" of Jabot, claims to have been so worried the business might actually go down the tubes that while her faux father was in deep legal trouble, and before that she was working day and night to take the evil Tom Fisher down, nevertheless found time to toil away in the Jabot lab whipping up a new moisturizer which now, at long last, has apparently, hit the market as nothing but a sunscreen moisturizer with no known name.

This, it's presumed, like Tuvia, will be Jabot's saving grace. This is why Jabot must now consult with a divorce lawyer and has, apparently, told told its legal department to take a flying leap.

Attorney Michael Baldwin, now related to the Abbott family by way of his mother's marriage to the imprisoned founder of the company, was seen Monday at Jabot explaining to his mother, Gloria Fisher-Abbott, who also works for the firm, that he was there for a "product consult" with powerless Jabot CEO, Jill Abbott. And while his sudden involvement at Jabot was quickly shined on, Baldwin did elaborate on the need for Gloria to watch her back. The "face" of Jabot and his henchwoman are not to be trusted.

Gloria didn't have to be told. From day one the Abbott kids have been at her throat. They blocked her from using the old man's proxy and to pacify the wishes of John Abbott - to make room for Gloria at Jabot - gave her a pile of busy work and generally told Gloria she's not wanted.

Calling the meaningless work Gloria was given a case of her superiors "pulling a fast one", Baldwin nevertheless praised his mother for performing her duty. But when he learned that Gloria is looking for some dirt on the kids to "nail them to the wall", Baldwin shuddered. Had Gloria not heard him say a million times not to mess with Jack and Ashley? Does she not understand what sharks the kids are and that they'll eat her alive?

Gloria said the likes of Jack and Ashley don't scare her. She survived worse in her old Detroit stomping grounds where her other son, Kevin, was often locked in a closet and until Baldwin walks in her shoes he'll have no idea what a force she is to be reckoned with.

Without getting into the specifics, or how whatever she did in the past pertains to what she's trying to do now, Gloria hacked, "Desperation is a wonderful motivator".

Despite that he'd just reminded Gloria not to swim with the sharks, Baldwin shifted gears. So long as she keeps her eyes and ears, so long as she gathers information before making any moves and not break too many laws, Gloria has his full blessing.

And so what might it be that Gloria hopes to get on the Abbott kids? What deep, dark secrets are they hiding and leaving in desk drawers for anyone to find? The fact that they've been outsourcing jobs to India?

Could be.

While it's not a crime to take jobs away from Americans and give them to people who can't speak English and don't give a crap that the computer some American bought from Dell crashed and burned in just three months of use, it was interesting to note something Jabot's competitor said today.

"We can build cheaper overseas," said the CEO of Newman Enterprises, Victoria Newman.

Sure enough, while Gloria was plotting, Jill was putting out a memo seeking input on a plan to use a rock group featuring a female singer, to promote Jabot's new moisturizer as Jack and Ashley fumed over the fact that Gloria has become Victor Newman's mole. Ashley, dumb bitch that she is, just had to ask, "Do you think Victor will manipulate Gloria?"

Do bears crap in the woods? Do baby killers steal sperm? Has there ever been a time when Victor didn't use someone? Did Jack really say that Victor is "drooling" over the possibility of using Gloria's proxy when it has already been determined that Gloria has no seat on the Jabot Board of Directors?

"It could get ugly," Jack wheezed, of the unknown yet to come; the stuff Gloria would later find and take pictures of with a cell phone liked she'd ever own a phone of this sort. But again, as we've said so many times, what's really ugly is the inconsistency.

Some say we have lost our ability to be awed. We are too jaded, too saturated with spin and unspeakable horrors, too soaked in the moronic questions and statements and camera phones and health spas and athletic clubs where booze and cheap roadkilll is served to care anymore. We'd love to see Gloria get even with the evil Abbott kids and do something so that we could step back and say, "Would you look at that? Isn't that just the most amazing thing and doesn't it put everything in a fresh perspective?"

I say it won't happen. Not the way it should happen. There will be more mind boggling utterances from Ashley wondering how could Victor be doing this or that when she's always known what a manipulator he is. Gloria may be Victor's puppet, but as we'll see, this latest battle in the cosmetics war is just more of the same. Remember: Not only do these people reach erroneous conclusions and make unfortunate choices, but their incompetence robs them of the ability to realize it.

Jabot Ad Hoc Committee Flushes Notion that Proxy Carries Right to Sit on Throne

March 9, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

It took some balls for Gloria Fisher-Abbott to go straight to the owner of Jabot Cosmetics when those two weasels claiming to know so much about running the business said she doesn't have the skills needed to influence policy decisions. Women like Mrs. Abbott do that. On the job at the lowest level for all of six months it's not uncommon to find employees who think they know it all and when they don't get their way, when they're told not to sit around talking on their cellphones and chewing bubble gum when they should be scrubbing floors, think running to the owner will work. For some reason these peons think the owner will overrule the CEOs and presidents and managers and in rare cases, when the owner is wimpy, actually get their way.

When Gloria ran to Katherine Sterling and whined that Jack Abbott and Ashley Carlton aren't playing nice, it was different. It wasn't like Gloria is some hamburger joint employee trying to brownnose her way up the toxic food chain. Oh, sure. She's never worked a day in her Genoa City life, she's only spent an hour at Jabot, but she does have proxy. As in Jabot stockholder proxy. Like it means much when shares of Jabot are selling for a buck, Gloria nevertheless thought it, and the fact she's Katherine's best friend's wife, had some clout. Why else would Katherine order a board meeting to take place when the fragrance twins had just cancelled it? Wasn't it a good sign that Katherine was about to rule against John Abbott's son?

Gloria thought so. Things were so going her way when she and Katherine returned to Jabot there was a smirk on her face. When Katherine barked at Jack to get off his ass and get her company back on track Gloria must have thought, oh boy, here it comes. Katherine's gonna tell these two twits they better get used to me having a say in how this company operates.

Only it wasn't to be.

Katherine played Gloria like a patsy; railroaded and humiliated her right there in front of the kids. Of course, things might have gone differently had Gloria not blurt out "point of order" when in fact she hadn't been officially "seated" on the board. Poor, poor Gloria was further embarrassed when that sperm-stealing criminally insane bitch Ashley said there would be no board meeting because a quorum wasn't present and that board members must be notified 24-hours in advance.

Had she any idea about how corporate giants like Jabot function, Gloria would have known to run down the hall, fetched Jill Abbott and depending on the vote, could be sitting in the catbird seat right now.

Her dog and pony show fully engaged, Katherine took it a step further by mumbling they could have an informal ad hoc meeting to vote on merely supporting Gloria's admission to the board. If approved, the issue would go before the next meeting of the full board and God only knows when that would be.

It was funny, in an abu Graid sort of way, that as much as Jack loves nothing more than to torture Gloria, he suggested they just tell Gloria to F-off. She won't now, or ever be a Jabot board member.

"I insist! Gloria has a point of view and I think she should be heard," Katherine went on with her ruse by allowing Gloria to make a long-winded speech as to why she deserves her rightful place at the round table.

Talk about cruel and unusual punishment, after all was said and done Katherine voted against Gloria and as expected, so did Jack and Ashley.

Gloria was thrown a bone, however, when Katherine ordered Jack to find work for her a Jabot. Something in toiletry perhaps?

Business 101

How to spot Incompetence

March 8, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Let's say that out of three total losers you had to pick the one you'd most like to see running the show at Jabot Cosmetics. Would you pick the back-stabbing, delusional self-centered Jack Abbott, the sperm-stealing baby-killing law-breaking Ashley Abbott Carlton or the gold-digging Gloria Fisher-Abbott?

All those who picked Gloria please come forward and receive a gold star for you are truly business savvy and know incompetence when you see it. A child of four knows that for as many times as Jabot has been run into the ground, and at this exact point in history clings to solvency due to Jack and Ashley ineptness, a monkey could do a better job running Jabot.

Hunkmonkies not withstanding, Gloria was right when she said Wednesday that her presence on the Board of Directors will bring a "woman's unique perspective" to the overall operation of Jabot and with it perhaps, a return to magnificence the company once enjoyed before those two nitwits systematically destroyed it.

It is interesting to note that while Jack called Gloria a "power-grabbing wife", while he rubber-stamped Ashley's assertion that Gloria doesn't have the "skills" required to run a conglomerate and is good for nothing but maxing out her husband's credit cards, neither disputed Gloria's perspective that a woman's touch is needed probably because they didn't want to broach the rumor that Ashley is not really a woman.

Which is not to say Jabot doesn't have women in high places. Discounting the gaudy jewelry CEO Jill Abbott wears and the fact that board member Nikki Newman spends most of her time working on personal projects, both are female but neither add the feminine touch one expects from a company trafficking in primarily personal skincare products for women. There is too, spokesmodel Sharon Newman and whatever she does, Phyllis Summers, but as history tells us, these two have about as much femininity as a toad.

In their forties, it is remarkable that two children squatting under their father's roof would have the audacity to say Gloria is the one sponging off old man Abbott. It is furthermore reprehensible that a saddle tramp, a vagabond who was fortunate enough to have been felt sorry for and taken into the Abbott home and given a key to the family jewels including the presidency of a company she was in no way qualified to receive, would say Gloria doesn't have the skills necessary to run Jabot.

If those skills include killing babies and planting drugs on innocent people and sleeping with men while she's still a married woman, than no, Gloria isn't qualified. But she does have two things going for her. She's got John Abbott's proxy and now, apparently, she's got the support of Jabot's parent owner, Katherine Chancellor Sterling which already has Jack and Ashley doing the one thing they're good at, squirming.

Now class, what's better than watching one worm squirm?

Who said watching two worms squirm?

That's right!

Class, dismissed!

See Also: Miracle Moisturizer

Victor Newman's Flying Monkey
There is a difference between a hunkmonkey and a flying monkey. In Genoa City the term hunkmonkey is applied to any male who, while he goes around knocking up young girls, playing daddy to their babies and professing to love them enough to marry them, can't stop seeing himself as God's gift to women. A flying monkey on the other hand is something you'd find at Fox News often seen toeing the imaginary line of being fair and balanced while hammering on a particular viewpoint, usually conservative.

In Genoa City, Gloria Fisher-Abbott has the dubious honor of being Victor Newman's flying monkey. Firmly in place at Jabot Cosmetics as one who will sift though sales reports, Gloria's task is to determine whether there's a market for the new moisturizer Jabot President Ashley Carlton came up with a few nights ago but now says has been in the planning stage for a year.

With testing of this as yet un-named toxin complete, mostly likely on real monkeys, Carlton said today it will move into the promotional phase and that this somehow hinges on the sale of prior toxins the company produces en masse.

Before accepting her new role, and as if to prove she is indeed worthy of being a flying monkey, Gloria asked whether Jack Abbott is aware of what she'll be doing, and told no, said she's anxious to be of service.

Strange as it may be, that Jack who last week announced to the world that he's the "new face" of Jabot, Gloria's acceptance that the CEO of Jabot's parent company will have no idea what she's doing day in an day out at Jabot is part of the role a flying monkey plays.

"Hello Jack. What am I doing at Jabot? Oh, nothing."

She's doing plenty, but hush. Hear no evil, see no evil. Jack's nemesis, the owner of his fiercest competitor, Victor is meeting publicly with Gloria but no one will notice. No one will make the connection - until it's too late.