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The People's Choice

November 15, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Have you heard? Jack Abbott may run for office! Nothing big time like U.S. Senator or Representative, small fry is more Abbott's speed. I'm guessing City Council or something at the State level. I, for one, want to see this. Show me the attack ads. Show me Abbott giving political speeches promising a chicken in every pot. If Abbott runs, he'll have to run as a republican. He's too sleazy to be a democrat. As an elephant, Abbott will fit right in. Married and divorced a number of times, forgotten children, sex scandals and underhanded business deals, Abbott can be hyped as the people's choice. A vote for Abbott's opponent will be a vote for the terrorists.

Speaking of opponents, who will Abbott run against? The Mayor? Big as Genoa City is said to be, in thirty-something years nobody has seen the Mayor. The one and only elected official to make himself known as been District Attorney Glen Richards. Then one day, without getting elected as far as anyone knows, special persecutor Will Bardwell became the DA, or whatever he claims to be. Passing though town, Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura is the only other politician to have graced the scene when Ventura laughingly suggested Victor Newman run for President.

Turns out it is Victor who wants Abbott to run for public office presumably as some diabolical plot to expose Abbott for the corrupt Genoa City icon he is. Get out the vote! Elect the failed businessman who ran his own family's business into the ground. Given the way things go in this town, don't be surprised if Sharon Newman is asked to be Abbott's campaign manager. There is nothing the former Mrs. Newman can't do. She is in such demand at NVP, putting together video conferences, speaking at wellness spa openings in India and presently heading up a joint photo shoot with NVP/Jabot for which few know the purpose unless consumers need to be convinced that mixing toxic chemicals in the sauna is good for what ails them.

Mrs. Newman is like Billy Abbott. A flunky, a college student who spent all of one hour this semester at Genoa City University and has nothing but a high school diploma, Billy was seen by Jabot's alleged owner as having "potential." Billy was offered the much sought after job at House of Kim in Hong Kong and within hours of accepting was in country completely setup with an apartment and all the luxuries a green behind the ears nepotistic bastard could ask for. That's what Mr. Kim Chee said. Billy's green, but he could bring a lot to HOK. Like the Yakuza.

"Is it true your brother is in debt to the Yakuza?" reporters might ask during Abbott's campaign. "Is it true Billy Abbott owed the Miami Mob money? Is that why you sent him to Hong Kong? How is your brother as qualified as Carmen Mesta for that job? Did you kill Ms. Mesta, Mr. Abbott? Is it true your sister stole a man's sperm? Is Ashley Abbott really a man? Didn't your father confess to killing Tom Fisher? Did your mother-in-law taint the skunk oil cream that killed Emma Gibson? Didn't Mesta's suspected killer, Dru Winters once work for you? What about your former wife? Did Phyllis Summers Abbott kill Sasha Green? Isn't it a fact Mr. Abbott you arranged for your father to flee the country? Why should anyone vote for you? What political experience qualifies you to represent the voters?"

The people's choice, now is the time for Jack Abbott to come to the aid of his country.

Life, Good for the Goose

October 31, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Like a Genoa City nightmare, the image last week of Nick and Phyllis Newman sitting on the sofa exchanging what I guess were wedding gifts, keeps haunting me. Phyllis was wearing black, but considering she's been pregnant for nearly as long as Lauren Baldwin was, she's hardly showing. Phyllis is giddy though. No matter what Nick said, Phyllis thought it was funny. Even when she looked off in space there was a smile on her face like one a mother gets when her children open presents on Christmas morning. That Nick is young enough to be Phyllis' son might explain the happiness.

It couldn't have been that Aaron Neville CD. Talk about shameless plugs, what a coincidence that the newlyweds would get Neville music at just about the time Neville was appearing at the grand opening of the Indigo jazz club? What a slap in the face of club owner Neil Winters that the invited to the opening newlyweds declined to attend because they had a need for sex.

Sure, Nick called Neil to say he couldn't make it, but how hard would it have been to show their ugly faces and leave? For all they know Neil might have smelled the sex on them and offered the use of his office for a quickie. They could have done their thing as Neville was performing in person and who, claiming Neville music is essential to every CD collection, wouldn't have jumped at the chance? I'll tell you.

People who in a million years, if it was the only CD they'd been stranded with on an island, would never listen to Neville's moaning.

And how about those books the newlyweds received? Specifically, the thick one. Was that a book of baby names? What good is a book like that in a city where expectant parents purchase such books only to name their baby boy 'Fenmore'? When has Nick or Phyllis ever read a book no matter its size?

They say it's hard to find a gift for persons who are wealthy and have everything, but shouldn't someone have given the newlyweds kitchenware? A new coffee machine? A George Forman grill? Oh, that's right. Except for when their sissy sons are baking cookies, or pancakes or breakfast in bed for granny and gramps, or throwing red meat over charcoal, the rich and famous in Genoa City rarely cook. They don't really need new sheets because they're happy to use the same sperm-stained sheets over and over and if you ever see Phyllis doing the laundry and folding clothes or changing diapers or breast-feeding her baby when it arrives, I'll pay you a million.

I won't give you a dime if you see Phyllis' former husband getting jealous as her drop dead due date draws nears, however. Jack Abbott, looking older with each passing day and putting his shriveled pork to the much younger Sharon Newman presumably because doing the town whore makes him feel young and virile, will start looking at Phyllis' belly and knowing his once former step-son is responsible for whatever life form is inside, will get jealous.

Jack will whine and moan. He will say Phyllis should be having his baby. He will say this despite having told Phyllis, by way of screwing Carmen Mesta and Sharon, and Phyllis having kicked him to the curb because he treated her like a dog, he didn't give a rip who she married. Please feel sorry for Jack. See his deceptively sad face, but don't look for him to express any remorse for mostly ignoring Kyle Abbott, the child he fought tooth and nail with Diane Jenkins for custody only to let Diane take Kyle away to live a normal life in Florida. Don't expect Jack to make any attempt to locate Keemo Volein, his son from a previous marriage who saw Jack for the douche bag he is and returned to Vietnam disgusted with American ways of lies and deceit and adulterous affairs. Don't look either for Jack to visit the grave of Luan Volein the six feet under woman Jack swore would be the only woman he'd ever love.

Jack loves only one thing: Himself. You won't see him getting together with Paul Williams either. They won't compare notes or say, "Dear God, we've got kids scattered from one side of the country to another we never see and rarely speak of. Wouldn't it be nice that instead of bitching about who's having who's baby we concentrate on the babies we've had? Shouldn't we worry that God will strike us dead and send us straight to Hell for being such hypocritical, child abandoning bastards?"

If Jack wants another baby so bad, let him have one with Lauren Baldwin. These two were meant for each other. Jack, with his that-baby-should- be-mine sniveling, and Lauren with her worry that Sheila Carter wants to eat her baby yet offering no concern that her adult baby, Scotty Grainger, could be at risk again too.

Out of sight, out of mind. Feel sorry for me. Boo, freaking who cares about the babies? If one dies, they'll simply have another and another. Like Huggies, like Sharon spreading her legs for any sugar daddy that will have her while she cries about the dead Cassie Newman and cared so little about her dead baby she didn't bother naming it, like Nikki Newman who gave up her dead baby's body parts, Jack will sputter about the sanctity of life while he plots to dispose of his enemies including Gloria Abbott whom he says he wouldn't mind were Gloria to "disappear".

The right to life. Good for the goose, but not the gander.

Genoa City's First Disposable Douche

October 30, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Word on the street is that Victor Newman is back to his old self and that while he remains epileptic the epilepsy is "under control".

Hog wash!

I don't believe it. I don't believe Victor ever had epilepsy. I don't believe that someone comes down with a disease like this one and in less than a year gets over it. If it's true, why hasn't the American Journal of Medicine published a special report? Imagine the medical breakthrough this must be. What great hope Victor is for real victims of epilepsy? Can cancer patients look forward to a similar breakthrough? Breast Cancer victims got some hope when Ashley Abbott developed breast cancer and after a year of whining got over it, but Victor hasn't gone through anything near what real epileptic go through.

Turns out it was a good thing Victor got over it so fast. He's free now to go back to seeking revenge on his enemies like Jack Abbott. Keep in mind, Victor said today he doesn't "hate" Jack. He's just upset at Jack for taking advantage of him and kicking himself for being so out of it he didn't know he was selling his wife's company to what has become Genoa City's first truly disposal douche.

That's right! The answer to how Jack came to own NVP has been answered. Victor not only put Jack in control of NVP, Jack, like the Norelco man, bought the company!

And poor Nikki Newman. As rightful owner of NVP she had no say in the matter. The name Nikki Newman does not appear on any legal document, no IRS form, nothing to show that she owns NVP and thus Nikki had to sit back and keep her mouth shut as her brain-ravaged husband gave away the store. As for calling in the loan he gave Jack, Victor says he won't do it! He won't pressure Jack into default and get NVP back under the Newman umbrella. Instead, Victor said today he's going to keep on pretending to be Jack's friend and watching and waiting until Jack makes a mistake.

Nikki, useless as an old cow that she is, agreed to do the same. She'll keep an eye on Jack. Spooky stuff, no? Bet Jack won't notice her evil eye. Bet she won't be too obvious. Then, when Jack least suspects it, provided there's some proof he's been betrayed, Victor will swoop in and take Jack down. When that happens it'll be the same old, same old. The same crap we've seen for years. Jack and Victor sitting in a tree screwing each other over. The phase of the moon dictating who's getting screwed worse with neither man going down for the count winning by a TKO and then only until the next moon phase.

Meanwhile we must watch as that empty-headed moron, Sharon Newman, swoons. She isn't so hot for Jack she can't put up with a little preoccupation on his part with Carmen Mesta. Did Jack have sex with the bitch? Sharon needs to know. He did? While Sharon was unzipping Jack's fly too? It's okay Jackie. C'mon here you big lug; pork me. Now what? Mr. Kim Chee is coming over? Why didn't you tell him we're about to get it on? Can't Kim wait until morning? Is business more important than me? Oh, it's okay. I'll go call the sitter to be sure someone's watching my son while I'm all sexed up even though my son doesn't need watching as evidenced by his being alone when my former husband and his whore came home from getting married and right about now Nick and Phyllis Newman are getting it on at home where Noah should be except that Noah is shunted off to some strange place when his parents are preoccupied with sex.

So while Jack concludes his meeting with Chee he gets a pang of fear when Sharon returns to say he must stop. Stop? His lying and cheating and breaking the law? Is Sharon onto him? Yeah, but not the way he thinks. She wants him to stop seeing Mr. Chee. Jealous bitch; Jack should have known; Sharon put the d in douche.

Great Caesar's Ghost!

October 3, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Call me crazy for asking, but when did ghosts start casting reflections in mirrors? I thought the whole purpose of being a ghost is so that they can be felt, but not seen? In this ever-changing world I understand progress is being made on so many fronts, but do ghosts have the capability to travel to places like Antigua?

I have to ask because the very dead John 'Yawn' Abbott has begun haunting his son in some of the strangest places under the most bizarre circumstances. Even Topper, I believe, was restricted to haunting the home where he died, and if Yawn would stick to floating around what used to be the Abbott Hotel, I'd buy into his return from the grave for the purpose of instilling a conscience in his unconscionable son, Jack Abbott.

What bothers me, besides Yawn's trips to Newman Enterprises and the Caribbean, is that the geezer seems to know about things he didn't know when he was alive. For example, the will Jack made him sign in prison. Yawn says now he had no idea there was a second will until after his death and that his primary reason for haunting Jack is because that will did not provide for his wife. But wait! If Yawn signed the will in prison wouldn't he have known about it then? Was he so mentally unbalanced as to not have read the will and yet it was declared by a court as legal and binding despite that lack of witness signatures?

While I'm not an expert on wills, I do know that those "living" wills people crank out on their home computers require three witnesses before being considered legal and the witnesses cannot be members of the family. Plus, with his ghastly newfound powers of recall, shouldn't Yawn know that his wife is responsible for the death of a woman who used a tainted toxic cosmetics product his company produced?

And when did ghosts start wearing Dockers and Polo shirts? Isn't there something in DaVinci's code requiring ghosts wear white? Unless the rules have changed Yawn can't be a ghost. He can be a figment of Jack's imagination, however. It must therefore be Jack's imagination that he's seeing and talking to Yawn because nobody else, not even Yawn's "beauty", the sperm-stealing Ashley Abbott, has seen Yawn since his death and what friendly ghost wouldn't at least say hello so someone he held so near and dear?

Turning to more current events, how phenomenal is it that Jack will this week seize Jabot Cosmetics as a silent House of Kim Chee partner? I can't get past the part where HOK is not required to reveal who its investors are, or that attorney Michael Baldwin, ordered by Jabot majority owner Katherine Sterling to fully investigate HOK, won't find out before the deal is done and in fact turned the actual research of HOK over to his inept brother, Kevin Fisher! As I like to say, that's what Katherine gets for employing an ambulance chaser to handle corporate law matters when she knows Jack is desperate to get his hands on Jabot again. Never mind the part where there is an agreement that Jack cannot have anything to do with Jabot. It will all come out when the investigation into Gloria Abbott, sidelined for months by police, but said last week to be an open case, reveals Mrs. Abbott's culpability in the death of a Jabot consumer. This in turn will result in Jack's umpteenth rise and fall as it would have been too simple for Jack to start a new company.

Speaking of companies, get this. Try not to barf. Word on the street is that Jack will, and this is according to Phyllis Summers who is thought to become the new Sheila Carter because for some reason Phyllis can't stand that Lauren Baldwin is having a baby, take the wellness spa company NVP down! How can this be? It can't. Unless we've been napping, Nikki Newman owns NVP. Out of work at the time of his hire, Jack was brought into NVP merely as an employee who later appointed himself top dog. He's more of a manager than anything else and not a good one at that. Jack did not invest a dime in NVP. How Jack could dismantle NVP is beyond comprehension. Not that I wouldn't want to see the end of NVP. It's a joke to think that overnight three or four people threw together a worldwide operation with what - three stores open so far?

But that's not all. Things will get more convoluted when Yawn appears before Jack while he's putting the pork to Sharon Newman. I mean, Great Caesar's Ghost with a tube of Astroglide! If having his daddy watching him have sex isn't enough to make Jack change his evil ways, what will?

Come On In, the Kool-Aid is Fine!

September 15, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Whenever I see puff pieces written about what is happening in Genoa City I can't help but laugh at how seriously these people take themselves. Oh, I'm aware that they are professionals and I'm a nobody but still, I laugh. I laugh because these puff writers say that Peter Bergman, Jack Abbott, should be nicknamed "The Phoenix."

The Phoenix? As in Flight of the Phoenix? Why? Because no matter how many times Jack gets slapped down he always come back? He always, "rises out of the ashes" and becomes "wiser" and "stronger" than before? What are these people smoking? It ain't weed. The question should be: What are they drinking?

The answer is: Kool-Aid.

Anyone who sees Jack as their "favorite bad boy", as Bergman's fans allegedly do, have never seen a real villain. A real evil-doer would have come up with a better plan to spite his father's wife than arranging for her to miss a funeral. It wasn't Jack's master plan that caused Gloria Abbott to miss old man's John 'Yawn' Abbott's funeral; it was Gloria herself. She should have had some inkling as to where and when the funeral was to be held and should have been in communication with the funeral director and/or the Bible-thumping preacher so that they would have known she planned to attend, and as the deceased's wife, was to be informed of any changes.

Jack also got Yawn to sign a second will, a will that was not witnessed or notarized, in prison at that where all interaction between inmates and visitors is, as a rule, videotaped. But to hell with even the slightest hint of reality, the courts ruled the second will was legal and made the first will null and void. Following the ruling, Jack illegally locked Gloria out of the Abbott abode and this too was not contested. Poor Gloria meekly picked up her belongings - stuffed into trash bags and tossed out by Jack - and moved with her youngest son into her older son's tiny concrete box with his pregnant wife. We were made to believe that Gloria, a high salaried employee at the company her husband once own, was penniless. Only her son, Kevin Fisher, recalled that he worked for Jabot Cosmetics too and on top of that owned the local coffeeshop, and so announced his move into the popular Athletic Support Motel.

All this, it was written, made fans happy to see that the gloves had come off. It's not like they hadn't been months prior to Yawn's death or that Jack and his sperm-stealing sister haven't always hated Gloria and Kevin. Nor was it remembered that Kevin had been praised earlier for saving Yawn's life when the geezer nearly died after falling down the stairs and stabbing himself with a letter opener. As part of Kevin's reward, he was taken into the Abbott home and given a fancy job for which he wasn't qualified. But the moment the tables turned, Jack and Ashley sent Kevin packing too.

It's true that while fans are happy the gloves are off, others think Jack sank to a new low. As for feeling sorry for Gloria, Bergman says, "It's almost laughable. A woman died possibly because of her malfeasance [...] and we're feeling sorry for her?"

Bergman is quick to blame Yawn's remaining days in prison on Gloria, but it was that bitch Ashley who put him there. It was Jack who wanted Yawn to flee the country and had he, had he been caught, might never have been released from prison which, under the circumstances, was even more of a joke than Jack's not seeing how happy Yawn was to have Gloria in his life.

For those who think Jack hasn't treated Gloria right, they ain't seen nothing yet as Bergman says Jack has more in store for the bug-eyed bitty. You see, don't you, Jack is "a fighter". When it comes to his family and what is his, Jack doesn't take no for an answer. Things are coming down the pike that "have never been before" as Jack, somehow running the show at Nikki Newman's company, also somehow controls a large part of Newman Enterprises as if to say corporate lawyers did not take steps to protect NE from another attempt by Abbott to get the upper hand on Victor Newman's empire.

"He's [Jack] in the Mother Ship now" and all because of his loving bond with Victor we are told. We are to believe too, unlike the many wars between Newman and Abbott before, once Jack owns Jabot there will be the war to end all wars. There will be a "full-fledged war" and the prize with be the mostly failed cosmetics company which had miraculously survived more brushes with bankruptcy than Eli Lilly has pills.

So where did Jack go wrong? What turned him into a snake?

"Jack changed at the funeral," Bergman says. "John was Jack's moral compass. Now he's not encumbered by that course of right and wrong. There are not too many places he won't go to protect his family."

Christ strike me dead if Jack has ever had a moral compass. Send me to Hell if Jack is protecting his family. What? Is Jack the new president protecting us from terrorists?

"Every step of the way, with every move Jack makes, you can see that this man is in extraordinary pain. Jack's humanity keeps him from being just plain bad. Jack is the anti-hero that you just can't help but root for," Bergman adds.

I've smelled crap before, but the stink was not so bad as to make me gag. When Jack saw a pregnant Phyllis Summers carrying Nick Newman's baby he was in pain? This made it okay for him to screw Nick's former wife because everyone needs someone to turn to during times of mourning? Why, yes, it did. Bergman said it was "appropriate". Jack and Sharon Newman "found" each other. Sure, Sharon is embarrassed, but she shouldn't be. She can't help herself. She can't see that as soon as she's served her purpose Jack will dump her skanky ass just like Phyllis dumped his ass and don't believe for a minute that Jack cares about anyone other than himself.

But for those who do, there's a new batch of Kool-Aid ready. Drink up.

Entranced In Hate

August 24, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

It has become the default wail, the last remaining lament available to a frazzled and bitch-slapped Abbott family, a group now completely entranced in hate even as it claims to love the dearly departed glue that held the family together. It is a family made up of Fishers too. It is Kevin Fisher, always from his fancy job at the Abbott family business of which his big desk at Jabot is covered with dust because he hasn't spent more than an hour at his all-important to the cosmetics company position handed to him merely because he seemed so deserving and not because he was in any way qualified, sputtering that the man who was like a father to him has grieving friends and therefore his mother, Gloria Fisher-Abbott, shouldn't be jealous that the Forrester family sent their condolences to the dead man and not directly to her because she was John 'Yawn' Abbott's wife.

It is Christine 'Bug' Blair slithering out from under a rock to pretend she was Yawn's estate planner and fully capable of reading wills in restaurants and dispensing funds and property when she hasn't handled much more than Legal Aid cases and divorces and quit her job as an assistant DA because it was too stressful.

It is Jack and Ashley Abbott wasting no time to find out what was in Yawn's will and looking it over for themselves in the event the Bug wasn't, you know, qualified to read wills. It is Jack and Ashley discouraged that Yawn left the bulk of his estate to Gloria, that the remainder of the fortune must be divided among the Abbott kids and that she and Jack will split the Abbott Hotel. It is Ashley, without a drop of Abbott blood in her clogged arteries, outraged. She can't believe she won't profit from Yawn's death as much as the others.

Jack can't believe the will is legal as it pertains to Gloria because she was married to Tom Fisher when the will was drawn up. Oh, but the all-knowing law Bug says the will is legal. Doesn't matter who Gloria was married to. All Yawn needed was to mention Gloria - and he did.

It is Jill Abbott, Yawn's former wife, the woman he had a child with, mentioned in the will as one of the toads who will get but a few trinkets from the Abbott fortune. It is Yawn's long-time friend, Katherine Chancellor Sterling, getting a few scraps too.

It is a State Prison employee come all the way to Genoa City to drop-off Yawn's prison belongings in person. It is the State of Wisconsin, with so many tax dollars to spread around, not wanting to put Yawn's junk in a box, calling the Abbotts to come get it within 3-days or warning if they don't it'll be tossed in the garbage or given to charity. Nor can the State pack the stuff and ship it COD to the Abbotts when delivering it in person is much more efficient.

And what's in the box?

Two unread books Yawn got on his birthday.

Books that make Gloria remember how happy Yawn was to be around the people he loved the most even if two of those people, his son, Billy Abbott and his daughter, Traci Abbott Connelly, haven't seen him in years.

It is Gloria selecting a nice suit to dress Yawn's dead body in. It is Ashley approving the suit and then changing her mind because Yawn hated that particular suit. Like it matters what Yawn wears at this point? Is it but another excuse to portray these people as "real" and that these are things families fuss about during times of death? Is it Kevin saying his mother just wants to be part of the family? Is it Jack giving Gloria a hug and saying she is family while his face says Gloria makes his skin crawl?

And now, to show just how caring and loving and spiteful he is, Jack will arrange for Gloria to miss Yawn's funeral. Billy, the loving son who so sniveled he didn't get to know daddy better, reportedly won't go to the funeral or stay in Genoa City for that matter unless, on the off-chance he still has a hankering for young, bare-chested boys, changes his mind so that he can meet the lucky boy who won his mother's scholarship to Genoa City University.

Ah, but you might be saying, it's not their fault. The Abbotts and the Fishers cannot be blamed for inherited years of complicated problems which clearly overwhelm their unsophisticated brains and attacks them like a swarm of angry mosquitoes. They can only flail and swat at each other like terrified children. In other words, they are but two families swimming in a tide of corruption and hate. Leave them alone!

What of their deeply divided infighting and hatreds and religious self-righteousness? Come now. They are merely innocent bystanders. Yes, they've set forth one of the most divisive and spiritually domestic agendas ever, but it's not their fault because this is the feeling. It is a general sickness, a nausea, a sense that the whole city, all aspects of morality, have been poisoned. Entranced in hate. And really, who's fault is that?

See Also: The Funeral
 

Age Before Beauty

June 29, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

If Jack Abbott is 39, I'm 19.

By his silence today, I got the impression that was Jack's story and he was sticking to it when one of his so-called friends, Paul Williams asked how long Jack is gonna be 39. Jack was celebrating his birthday with a very small circle of friends at the Athletic Supporter Bar and Grill and Motel and Spa and whatever this all-purpose gym will think it wants to be next.

Anyone who has been following Jack's pathetic life, even those without a brain or a malfunctioning brain like mine can be at my age, will recall that Jack claims he served his country in Vietnam. That would be the same Vietnam where Jack knocked up Kung Fu, or whatever her name was and found out later he had a 20-year-old jungle bunny named Keemo.

For those who would call me a racist for calling Keemo a jungle bunny, don't get your panties in a wad. Keemo was a jungle bunny. His mother, a native of Vietnam, Kung, um, Luan Volein, said she searched years for Keemo and couldn't find him. Without Keemo at her side, Luan packed up her daughter Mai Tai and moved to Genoa City where she opened the Saigon Shack. None of Genoa City's elite ever patronized the SS which was unfortunate for if they had, if Jack had especially, he would have found the woman he swore would be the only woman he ever loved.

Not to bore those who already know what BS it is that Jack could be 39, let's go to the videotape for those who don't.

It was November, 1994, when much was being made about how Jack found Luan thanks to Christine 'Bug' Blair having happened by the SS one day at just the moment the place was being robbed and Luan was getting shot. The Bug promised Luan she'd find Keemo and damn but what she didn't. It took the Bug and Paul 'Clueless' Williams all of 4 days to find Keemo in a Vietnam jungle. They whisked him back to Wisconsin, got him a passport and a VISA and American clothes - which he couldn't stand - and reunited him with his mother and Jack.

It was thought then how strange of Jack to say he served in Vietnam because in 1980, Jack's Pa, John 'Yawn' Abbott moved Jabot Headquarters to Genoa City and appointed Jack CEO since most of the family at that time had the good sense to live elsewhere. This, of course, was another contradiction as all recent history had led everyone to believe the Abbott's had lived in Genoa City their entire lives.

It was Jack's first major opportunity to shine in the family business as he had just graduated from Harvard Business School. To help put things into perspective the GCN did some number crunching. It was assumed that Abbott got his Masters Degree in 1978. We also cut him some slack by presuming he'd accomplished that goal in two weeks. Looking back, it isn't far-fetched considering that Nick Newman managed to get a college degree after attending a few weeks of night school at Genoa City University and the Bug got a four-year law degree in only two years.

So , if Jack graduated from college in 1976 that would make him 22 at the time. Fresh out of college at the same time was Jack's sister. Ashley arrival in Genoa City in 1982 substantiates the theory. She and Jack have an approximate age difference of between five-six years. This would have made Ashley 35 and Jack pushing 40 back then. Now, in Genoa City years, Jack would be at least 61 although in real life, Peter Bergman is 53.

History also shows that all Allied troops had been withdrawn from Vietnam by early 1973. So for Abbott to claim he served in Vietnam when he did, couldn't have been possible. But what if Jack had graduated high school in 1970 at age 18? In that case it would have been conceivable for him to have been overseas from 1970-1972. That's assuming he went to college after, as Jack has said, he returned from the war in 1976 and graduated at age 24, earned his Masters between 1978-79 and was ready to join the family business in 1980.

Jack can't wish himself young again, but he can joke - like Jack Benny did - that he's 39 and that would be hilarious as the rings around Jack's eyes give away his true age.

Jack Abbott's Greatest Fits

May 25, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

When Jack confronted Nick Newman this week and asked why he put the pork to Phyllis Summers knowing how much Phyllis means to Jack, I let it slide and as it turned out GCN reporter Michael Kelly took Jack to task. But on Thursday, when Jack hurled his hate at Phyllis, when he went through her personal email, threw a fit and wondered again how she could have slept with a married man then said he doesn't know if he can live if living is without Phyllis, I decided it's time to haul out the Weasel of the Week award and crack Jack over the head with it.

Let's review.

It was August 5, 2005, when Jack was last awarded the WOW award, that I recalled how it is well documented that in 1994, when Jack first saw a photograph of Luan Volein, he swore she was Mai Yun the woman he'd fallen in love with twenty years before in Vietnam. When he realized Luan and Mai were one in the same and that he'd been reunited with her, Jack said repeatedly he'd always been in love with Luan and that she would be the only woman he'd ever love. That Jack made this statement there is no doubt.

When Luan kicked the bucket less than a year later Jack said he'd never love anyone else. But it wasn't long until he was screwing, literally, his own step-mother and any other woman who'd have him, Phyllis Summers in particular. When Phyllis refused to go along with Jack's dictator-like orders not to work for the competition and finally ditched Jack, he got so sleazy at one point it appeared he might get it on with his own step-daughter, Victoria Newman. Meanwhile, tired of sleeping around and unable to find a man willing to put up with her Grade-A BS, Phyllis went crawling back to Jack. He, of course, took her back and they pretended as if nothing had happened. And that was fine because as they say, misery loves company. But what was appalling, what was disgusting and made skin crawl, was that Jack told Phyllis on that August day, "I can't remember anything about my love life before you."

The fact Phyllis knew Jack's previous screwing around was his way of "practicing the art of seduction", and that she'd told him to his face what a liar he is, didn't mean Phyllis wasn't charmed. She was happy as a pig in a poke to be back living with Jack under his father's roof as she didn't have a job or the means to pay for her lavish lifestyle including the millions her son's legal defense was expected to cost. When the financial bough breaks Phyllis always runs to the nearest money tree. As it turned out, Phyllis' return to Jack came at a most opportune time. With Daniel Romalotti's trial about to start Jack was the only one willing to take time off from work to be at her side in the courtroom. No matter how many days the trial took, Jack said he wouldn't miss a minute of it. Chancellor Industries could go down the crapper for all he cared. After all, what mega-corporation in Genoa City needed its CEO showing up for work?

It was of conflicting interest to note that while Jack, and other CEOs, were able to take all the time off they wanted to handle personal matters, interim Newman Enterprises CEO Victoria was crabbing how busy she was at the office. So much so she didn't have time to go looking for strange men who might want her brittle bones in bed.

Later that month, while again accusing his former wife of betrayal, Jack told Phyllis that given the chance he'd hire Victoria for the CEO position at Jabot in a heartbeat. It was odd for Jack to say because not only had he squawked that Phyllis hadn't told him Victoria was back in town, he bitched that Phyllis had used their personal life to get a "competitive advantage" when in fact she had no obligation to tell Jack anything.

As for the scene Jack made at Jabot today, who can forget his other tantrum? The one of February 8, 2005, when he threw a chair out a 12-floor window at Jabot? Like many others, I was horrified and utterly stunned by Jack's raw power and random predisposition all because Jack had walked into his office to find Victor Newman sitting in his chair. Jack would fix that though. He'd throw the chair out the window while Victor looked on in equal horror quickly confirming what Victor had known all along. Like his son Nick, Jackabbott is a charred and black little boil on the ass of life.

Who in their right mind would do such a thing? Who would without an iota of compassion throw an object capable of inflicting serious injury on the passerby's below? Unless you're a hunk of something found at the bottom of a shower drain you don't put others at risk to satisfy your little temper tantrums. The act was so typical of Jack's wreaking random faux havoc across the city for mad, inexplicable reasons he calls his nasty, violent, deadly, vendetta against Victor. The one Jack keeps losing.

Asked later why he did such a dumb thing Jack said, "I had to make a statement" and to prove he didn't learn anything, added next time he'd throw Victor out the window. And what of those windows? How do they break so easy when high-rise concrete monstrosities are required by law to withstand 100 MPH winds and earthquakes? In 2004, Jack, the company he was running into the ground in dire financial crisis, authorized the mother of his son to replace all the windows as part of an overall remodeling project. Obviously, Diane Jenkins found a way to cut corners and save money or had a building inspector in her back pocket. How else could the window have shattered so easily?

Consequently Victor did not add this to a list of charges he could have taken directly to law enforcement and maybe said, "See? You think Commercial Bribery is bad? What about this? What about charging Jackabbott with reckless endangering? What about charging him with defrauding the government? What about looking into why Brad Carlton, my back-stabbing son and Jack paid Sharon Newman under the table?"

Primeval comes to mind to describe these events that only seems to point up the fact that we know far less than we think we know about Jack and even less about why we have to witness his antics. Take the gist of his master plan to save Jabot. It was nothing but an attempt to have the Board of Directors overrule his father's decision to allow Newman to continue riding roughshod over Jabot. Not that there was anything wrong with that, or Victor's continued presence there, Traci Abbott Connelly gave her proxy to Jack without first asking John Abbott what her brother might be up to?

And look where the old man is now. In a prison losing his mind. Drooling in a cup and yammering about his former wife, Dina, who walked out on the family the old geezer has since said is so strong nothing can do it under. But it's going down like the Titanic especially now that John's newest wife, Gloria, has been appointed by his other former wife, Jill, as a Jabot fashion consultant! I'll have to ask the GCN fashion reporter, but something tells me putting a bug-eyed woman who wears animal print clothing is not a wise business decision.

Speaking of bad business, recall a few days ago when Victor appointed Brad Carlton to the Newman Board of Directors? I thought it was strange that the great man didn't have to put the matter to a vote, and then I came across something about Jabot's board which may explain it. Over a year ago it was asked "who sits on the Jabot board" and again nobody could answer the question because it seems just anybody can become a board member. Remember Jack's asinine scheme wherein he said he was working from a "powerbase" and wanted Victor's wife to oust the moustache just because Victor was spending too much time at the office? That was about as lame as a few weeks ago when Nikki Newman was on the verge of helping her kids overthrow Victor and then today, flip-flop, the pill-popping mama told Victor she's never been more in love with him than she is now.

Jack Abbott, what a piece of work. His need for Phyllis just that. A need to satisfy his ego. His tossing chairs out windows and going through email like some brown-shirted government sanctioned AT&T Gestapo agent. His never-ending lying love for Luan Volein a bitter blast from the past. These are but a few of Jack's Greatest Fits.

Enemies Today, Friends Tomorrow

May 17, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Good news - bad news.

The good news: Jack Abbott, once the "face" of Jabot Cosmetics, was not only kicked out of the toxic chemical company this week but out as Jabot's parent company CEO, Chancellor Industries, as well. The final hammer hit Abbott square on the top of his pointed head Tuesday as part of an agreement with boycott master Andrew Gibson, whose wife's death is said to have been a direct result of using Jabot's newest moisturizer, Glow Again. Unfortunately, Jabot's real CEO, Jill Abbott was not allowed to deliver the debilitating blow.

In fact, Jill didn't seem to have any interest in paying Jack back for his years of betrayal. Jill's goodwill toward man was attributed to all those rolls in the sack with Jack including the time Jack put the pork to her while she was married to his father and subsequent Abbott pool screwing when Jack nailed his brother's mother.

Strolling Tuesday into Jack's office to find him packing, Jill did make a reference to his "moving" and Jack accused her of "gloating", but otherwise Jill was there to kiss his ass by saying how grateful Jack should be that with his departure Jabot's latest crisis could be over.

Jack doesn't see it that way. Like everyone in this city who has ever watched the door closing on their dream, Jack whined about being on the street and having been banned from "my own" company which really isn't his company. For whatever reason, those at the top of Jabot's food chain keep forgetting that Jill owns 20% of Jabot. The other 29% is split up among Abbott family members and 51% is owned by Jill's mother, the owner of Chancellor Industries, Katherine Sterling.

Bitching and moaning that he "grew up" at Jabot and devoted "most of my adult life" to the company, Jack is still a baby today. Jack has been given numerous opportunities to save Jabot from financial ruin but failed miserably each time as has his sister, Ashley Abbott, who, in an effort to cut costs, is remembered most for canceling the insurance on Jabot's major warehouse which later burned to the ground.

And while Katherine said that getting rid of dead weight Jack is the hardest thing she's ever had to do "in all my years in business", as she sputtered "the Abbotts are like family" and that she watched Jack grow up, she nevertheless dropped the hammer on him as Jill joined her in two-part we'll always "respect" Jack harmony.

The bad news: Word on the grapevine is that Jack will have a chance to land on his feet when nemesis Victor Newman offers him a job. The rumor goes beyond Victor's suggestion that Jack build a wreck center. Should it happen, should Victor put Jack into a position of power at Newman Enterprises, it won't be out of character. Victor loves keeping his enemies where he can keep an eye on them as he did by approving Brad Carlton's employment at NE and reinstating his nitwit children, Nick and Victoria Newman.

This is how it is in the Genoa City business world. Like sex partners, employees are interchangeable. If they grow tired of working for Newman or if they are fired, a job is waiting for them at Jabot and vice-versa. That these despicable employees lie and cheat and steal and stab each other in the back does not matter. It would make sense then for Victor to hire Jack and thus facilitate Jack's reunion with Brad enabling the two to launch another takeover of Victor's company this time with the help of Victor's own kids.

Same as it ever was, enemies today are friends tomorrow.

Abbott Ousted as Jabot CEO!

May 15, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

She was robbed I tell ya! Robbed! Ripped off! Jill Abbott should have been given the pleasure of kicking not only the "face" of Jabot Cosmetics out of the company, but Jack Abbott's ass as well! If not given the boot on general principal, Jack should have been removed as CEO for stealing intellectual property from Phyllis Summers. Not that discounting Jabot's toxic chemicals by twenty-percent would have likely done much to save Jabot's slashed to bits public image, Jack snatched the idea from Phyllis and then tried to pass it off as something he'd come up with all on his own to save the ailing company.

Abbott's removal came on the heels of a decision reached by Carmen Mesta. Jabot's expensive, and pointless and had they a brain between them executives at Jabot could have themselves come up with the spinmister Mesta's knack of sending out press releases to ward off a boycott plague set upon Jabot by the angry Andrew Gibson as revenge for his wife's death at the hands of Jabot's newest skunk oil concoction, Glow Again.

It took less than three days for Mesta to comprehend that in order for press releases to mean anything they must be read by those who receive them and even that's no guarantee any action will be forthcoming. Radio and TV stations get a slew of press releases each day and most go into the barf bucket. But what upset Mesta more was that Jack, told to maintain a low profile, took it upon himself to meet with Gibson during which Abbott put on a dog and pony show under the guise of public apology.

Fearful too that the water bill at her spacious mausoleum won't get paid, the owner of Jabot's parent company, old lady Katherine Sterling, while sputtering that Jabot is "hemorrhaging money" and that the consuming public is actually honoring Gibson's boycott, stole Jill's thunder when she personally told Jack his time at Jabot had come to an end.

For years this reporter has longed for the return of the Jill Abbott we once knew. The powerful woman who snookered Jabot founder John Abbott into handing over twenty-percent of the company and had men eating out of her hand was for a brief moment, or so I thought, back in control when she told Jack there is no way in hell Jabot products will ever be discounted. They never have, and they aren't about to start now.

Jack was stunned. When did Jill grow a pair of balls? Was that hair he saw on her chest? Where did she, the CEO, get the audacity to speak to the "face" in such a manner?

"Who the hell do you think you're talking to?" Jack bellowed.

Jill fired back that she's the CEO and Jack would do well to remember that. Unfortunately, Jill was not allowed to inflict the final blow. She did not put Jack's head on the block and chop it clean off. Katherine stole that pleasure from her.

Jill did get to play tattletale, however.

Having heard Jack crying in his beer after the bloodless coup, Jabot proxy holder Gloria Abbott alerted Jill that Jack had, during a meeting with Phyllis, back bit her and as any loyal servant would do, Jill ran straight to Katherine. In the meantime, Gloria put a bug in Gibson's ear telling him to settle his dispute with Jabot by demanding nothing less than Jack's ouster from Chancellor Industries too. Should that happen as expected, the least Katherine could do is show her daughter some support by letting Jill deliver the fatal blow.