See Also: Gloria Abbott  Ashley Carlton  Abby Carlton  Paul Williams
2006 Business News

Ghostbusters

September 1, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

When members of my dead family and a friend showed up at the grocery store today I said aloud, "It's about damn time. Where have you guys been?" My Aunt and Uncle were there. My cousins were there and my friend, who died at sixteen when he crashed his parents car, was admiring how good I looked after all these years. Following me around the store, my aunt scolded me for stealing money from her purse when I was ten, my uncle asked whatever happened to that girl I was in love with at fourteen and my friend wanted to know if I had missed him. As I answered their questions other shoppers gave me strange looks and feeling self-conscious I moved to an empty part of the store only to find that the ghosts, I guess you could call them ghosts, hadn't followed. Retracing my steps, they seemed to have vanished. Back home I told a skeptical wife what had happened.

"You can't talk to the dead and they can't talk to you," she asserted, but when I maintained that I had she wanted to know if it had happened before. My reply was no, but that I'd seen dead people before. Where?

In Genoa City!

My wife was knocked for a loop. "You mean that fictional city? That soap opera?" she sneered.

Soap opera? Fictional? Genoa City is very real. The people are real. Ask anyone. See what happens if you ask Nick Newman if he's seen dead people and he'll tell you about his dead daughter, Cassie. See what happens if you go to the city's local coffee shop and ask what that shrine is to Cassie in the corner and they'll tell you what a guardian angel Cassie is. She watches over certain people in this city so watch your mouth. No, she couldn't prevent her mother from being kidnapped, or her half-brother from having his cherished family ripped apart, but Cassie can predict who her humanized replacement will be and that said replacement will be female. Cassie won't admit it, but she may have been responsible for hooking up Nick with a woman nearly twice his age, that woman will bare her replacement and thus provide Noah Newman with a new sister and in the process the woman's son with a sister and a brother!

It's a stinking miracle I tell you! You gotta pray. You gotta believe. You gotta keep your eyes open. Just look around. Go out to the Newman Ponderosa. If you wait around long enough the very dead Cameron Kirsten may peek through the window. He may sit next to you on the sofa. You cannot be afraid. You cannot threaten to call security. Only believers can see the dead.

And that belief most likely explains why Jack Abbott is now seeing his dead father. In the grave for less than a week, John 'Yawn' Abbott is already making the rounds. He's making a list and check it twice. He's scolding those who treat, or have treated, his wife badly. He doesn't like those who diss freaks of nature. As for why Yawn came back long before Cassie ever did, it's an age thing. When they die old people bounce back faster so long as they weren't buried in the backyard of the Chancellor Mausoleum. Graves that can been seen from windows aren't conductive because angles don't like to be seen rising above which explains why Phillip Chancellor didn't appear to Katherine Sterling or Jill Abbott. With Jill and Katherine always gawking out the window at his grave Phillip couldn't risk it.

Like me, when Jack saw his father he had to tell someone so he told his sister. Ashley Abbott, who claims to be Yawn's daughter, should have been upset that Yawn didn't appear to her first given she was Yawn's "beauty", but all she said was that something must be on Jack's conscience if he's seeing dead people.

That Jack saw Yawn once might have been understandable given the circumstances, but four times in one day? First at the Abbott home where Yawn asked Jack to pass the cream, Jack cautioned that cream isn't good for Yawn's cholesterol and Yawn saying it doesn't matter because he's dead, again when Yawn returned to say Jack needs to come clean about the will, a third time in the courtroom where Yawn took the witness stand and later at the Athletic Club bar!

Thank God, the Judge didn't ask the lawyers if they wanted to question him and she didn't herself have a few questions, like did you know what you were doing when you signed that will? Unfortunately, perhaps due to some contractual arrangement with Lucifer, Yawn couldn't, you know, put a bug in the judge's ear.

And thus, after making them wait a whole friggin' day, the judge ruled that the second will is the law of the land. Gloria Abbott lied to Yawn and because of it Yawn wrote will #2. All conjecture on the judge's part mind you, but as we've seen too many times, evidence, facts, the truth has never set anyone free.

Habeas Corpse!

August 31, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Somewhere along the line someone decided it would be better having old man John 'Yawn' Abbott's signature on his second will verified by a handwriting expert than it would dusting the will for prints. Not that it mattered, the sleepy judge handed down her ruling today following another explosive, drama-filled, Genoa City kangaroo courtroom scene.

There were, of course, the usual preliminaries like Kevin Fisher asking his all-purpose lawyer brother what the odds were of their mother winning the case. And as usual, nobody could rightly say. Six one, half dozen the other. In the interim, Kevin must have concluded that living in a crowded condom with his brother, Michael Baldwin's wife and his mother was not one of the brighter things he's done. To correct the errors of his ways, Kevin announced that he'll check to see if there might be a vacancy at the Athletic Supporter Motel.

As it so happens, the GCN hears there will be a vacancy soon when, should we spill the beans, ah, what the hell, Carmen Mesta moves out!

An overly confident Jack Abbott meantime was sure the court ruling would go his way and when it does, with the help of the great Victor Newman, a man Jack once hated so much, he will rule Jabot Cosmetics again - if not the world. Still, Jack's sperm-stealing sister wasn't so sure. There's something fishy going on Ashley can't put her finger on.

There is something fishy about a will turning up out of nowhere, but what smelled to high heaven today was that Lauren Baldwin said she couldn't comprehend Jack and Ashley stooping so low for money. To hear people like Lauren sputter you'd think they hadn't lived in Genoa City most of their lives or read the papers. Jack and Ashley are the lowest of the low. They produce and sell toxic chemicals for Christ's sake. It's true! Has Jabot ever once put an all-natural cosmetic product on the market?

And because this city and its court system are so strange it was no wonder that the handwriting expert personally called not only the Abbott's, but Baldwin too, to say the second will signature is legit. Suddenly, Gloria Abbott's chances of winning the case went into the toilet. She whined of not believing the old man would have screwed her like that and might have said when the old geezer was alive he didn't screw her but once or twice had it not been for her immediate family saying the old guy really did love her.

In court the judge ruled that the will in question was written by John Abbott. Her Honor did not care much that he was mentally unbalanced at the time as, according to the lawyer for the plaintiff, Abbott's medical condition didn't go south until after he wrote the will. Nor did it matter that only Jack witnessed the will or that the date on it could have been forged. The judge did take into consideration that not all the facts in this case have been presented, however, and said she would take that under advisement as the ruling pertaining to the signature does not necessarily mean that Gloria has lost.

For the hell of it, the judge entertained a back-biting dog and pony sideshow put on by Jack and Ashley. Bashing Gloria up one side and down another, they ragged what a gold-digger Gloria is, or was as the case may be. Gloria got so upset she made a commotion and had to be subdued by her children. Gloria did, by way of her son, get in her digs too. It was pointed out that since Abbott referred to Gloria as his wife that must have meant therefore that he wanted her to get the bulk of his estate. Asked if it was true, did Yawn speak of Gloria in wifely duty terms, Ashley said yes. But not a single person in the court made a motion as to Ashley's credibility in that she is not Yawn's biological daughter which legal scholars would agree would have had a major influence on the judge's decision to even listen to all the mud slinging much less admit it into the record.

Alas, this is Genoa City where no trial is complete without a kangaroo.

Kicking and boxing like a Victor Newman, Baldwin's kangaroo contention was that since Ashley stands to inherit money from Yawn's will she'd do and say anything to get her grubby hands on it. It's not like she'd be satisfied with her share, the more the merrier. And it wasn't enough that Ashley smeared Gloria, Jack had to puke his guts about her before Gloria got to say that since Yawn loved her and they went on a second honeymoon together, this therefore meant she was his wife and entitled to as much of his money as possible. About the first wedding not being legal, Gloria flicked that off as just a glitch.

To make her point, Gloria was actually allowed to confront the greedy Abbott twins. She accused them of being after the money. She said that before marrying Yawn she had supported herself quite nicely so it's not like she needs the money. Furthermore, Gloria said she will not tolerate anyone saying she's not Yawn's wife because, because, well, because he was the only man she truly loved.

After adjourning the case until tomorrow, the judge took due notice. Note to self: re-write probable law to read: spouse who claims to have loved the other shall be considered rightfully entitled to dead spouse's estate.

As the courtroom emptied Lauren and Kevin threw hate balls at Jack and Ashley. Are they satisfied now? Are they proud of themselves? Are they ashamed for airing the family's dirty laundry in public? Do bears crap in the woods? Be very, very afraid Jack Abbott. What dies has a way of coming back to haunt you. Habeas Corpse!

The Devil's Helper

August 28, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

If you didn't read the Editor's Desk on Saturday you wouldn't know that I had a brush with death which made me think afterwards that I've got to stop procrastinating about writing a will. Not that I have much to leave behind, the few things I do have I don't want going to the State. So when I heard that Jack Abbott coerced his imprisoned father into making out a will which Jack then instructed old man John 'Yawn' Abbott to give to the prison preacher I got to thinking, hey, why don't I do that?

To hell with the will I made out and gave to my attorney so there won't be any doubts upon my death, I'll give another will to some sticking man of the cloth without bothering to obtain any witness signatures. When I'm dead my wife might say that the first will I wrote, the one that was witnessed, the one a lawyer assured me was legal and binding, the one not written at a time my heath was declining, is the only legitimate will.

But it won't do her any good.

My greedy son, the slime who once slept with another of my many wives while I was married, made me write the second will. He convinced me it was the right thing to do since, in my failing health, I forgot what a creep he is and how power hungry he is. In a stupor, I said recently that when I died I wanted my son to run the family business the majority of which is owned by the woman I once went skinny-dipping with. I did all this not knowing there would be a contesting of the wills and my wife most likely to get screwed, again, by my son.

Within hours of my death the second will be delivered to the home where I lived. Within hours of my funeral my son will have contacted my lawyer, a lowly bug, with a law degree from Sears. The bug, Christine Blair, will snap her antennae and a probate judge will appear. All interested parties will stop whatever they're doing and appear in court to hear the judge's decision. The preacher will have been summoned too and on the witness stand say he gave the will to my children because my son was named in the will as executor of the estate. The judge will fidget a bit before calling a recess so that she can review the case and later say, yes, I named my son executor without making any mention of my wife.

My wife's attorney will pop out of his seat to demand the will be checked for fingerprints. The court will not erupt in laughter. The judge will not suggest a better method of authenticity would be to call in a handwriting expert to verify my signature on the will. The judge will consider a motion to have the second will set aside, however.

This should not surprise me. When I was alive I experienced several instances where people who have deemed one thing have had their wishes overturned by a judge. Election results, for example. Voters can vote one way all they want, but if a judge doesn't like how the majority voted, the judge can throw the election result out.

Null and void best describes Jack Abbott and this entire squabble over a second will. The question nobody has asked is whether the old man indicated in the second will that it superseded all and any previous wills. Nobody, of course, witnessed Jack dictating to his father what should be in the second will. There are no guards or cameras at the Walrus State Prison to observe such things. It has been established there were no written witnesses to the second will, but yet the judge must ponder? What's to ponder? The second will is bogus! It was written under medical duress.

Ah, but to dismiss the second will out of hand would be too easy. Considering the will even for a moment provides the means for Jack to lock his step-mother out of the family home without legally giving Gloria Abbott a 30-day notice to vacate now that Jack and that sperm-stealing bitch Ashley Abbott own the Abbott Hotel. It provides the means for Gloria to bawl like a baby outside the home without thinking that a call to the police would get her access to the home so that she could at least obtain her personal belongings.

Moreover, this will be the means for Yawn to come back as a ghost to scold Jack and I'm wondering if, like in those old TV shows, Yawn doesn't appear as a little conscience sitting on one side of Jack's shoulder, while a Devil's helper sits on the other.

Grave Robbers

August 24, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

How I love funerals. Especially those that take place in Genoa City in a house of God and the damn roof doesn't cave in due to the overcrowding of religious hypocrites. Take the John 'Yawn' Abbott funeral for example.

There was today the breaking out of family photographs and the not related by blood in any way Ashley Abbott whining how she couldn't believe this is the day she'd be burying her faux daddy. There was the biological Traci Abbott Connelly so out of it she was snoozing when Ashley pondered why Jack Abbott was so nice to his father's wife and Jack saying he was just going along to get along.

Meantime, over at Michael Baldwin's condom, Yawn's wife Gloria and her son Kevin Fisher were getting ready for funeral presumably because there just isn't enough room at the Abbott Hotel or a quiet place where Gloria could throw together a eulogy that even when finished Gloria wasn't happy with. Alas, Lauren Baldwin said how words are strung together does not matter so long as they come from heart cold as that heart may be. Moved, Gloria crowed how grateful she is to have a family that cares unlike those snippy Abbotts.

Stranger still, over at the Sugar Shack, Yawn's granddaughter was getting ready for the funeral when Yawn's youngest son stopped by to see if Colleen Carlton needed a ride. Colleen was most gracious as her hunkmonkey, J.T. Hellstrom, was at work this fine day and couldn't stop looking for his ass long enough to take Colleen to her own granddaddy's funeral despite that J.T. had said what a great man Yawn was. Dressed for an American Idol audition, Billy Abbott said the threads were the best he could come up with on short notice. Asked if he couldn't borrow a suit from his big brother, Billy said he didn't need a suit because he wasn't going to the funeral no matter if Jack's clothes fit him which they most likely would not. Not wanting to go either, Colleen said she would to please her mother, but changed her mind.

Back at the hotel, Traci, Jack and Ashley were rehashing how things will never be the same now that Yawn is gone.

At the Chapel of the Last Goodbye, a somber Jill Abbott and Katherine Sterling held hands as they waited for the service to start. Jack, Ashley and Traci dragged themselves in and no sooner had she crossed the threshold but what Traci broke down bawling. Recovering somewhat, Traci spoke of the nice flowers which pissed Jack off as the bouquet was not the one he'd ordered. But when Ashley said the old Abbott maid PainMe Johnson and Dina Mergeron had sent the flowers Jack cooled off. Once thought to be dead Dina and PainMe expressed their regrets for not attending in person as they were too far away from Genoa City to get there in time for the funeral.

The thought of where those old women could be they couldn't show their faces when the likes of Traci and Billy had no problem coming from far away was overshadowed when Lauren suddenly recalled what a "hell raiser" Traci was when she was younger. Strange it was because as far as anyone else can recall, Traci spent most of her childhood in her room eating Bon-Bons to the point where she was but a fat pig ashamed to be seen in public. Lauren also recalled a time when Traci poured desert all over her which was probably true except for the part where Lauren said Michael should be happy he didn't know Traci "back then". Like he knows her now?

Besides the old hags, other people who couldn't make the funeral were Abby Carlton and George Kaplan. Asked why, Ashley said George, or Brad as she still knows him, told her that Abby was too "upset" to attend such a drab affair when just the other day George said Abby was handling Yawn's death better than anyone else! In lieu of a funeral, Brad, um, George will spent the day coddling Abby.

The talk of Abby, a daughter she spawned with stolen sperm, got Ashley to thinking. What if she takes Abby to the same lake where Yawn used to take her all the time? Would that lift Abby up?

Also back in good spirits, Traci informed Katherine she'll be back in Genoa City for the 4th of July. Why? Silly goose, to be with her daddy! The 4th was Yawn's favorite holiday. Doesn't everyone know? Croak, hack, cough, there was a brief setback for Traci as she lamented not spending more time with Yawn. Oh, if only she had, he might not be dead.

Looking a photos again, Jack started bawling too as the service was, um, undertaken.

Looking around the church it was clear the gang wasn't all there. No Gloria, no Kevin, no Michael or Lauren. Gosh, where could they be?

The only decent one of the bunch, Katherine went off to call Gloria. But wouldn't you know it? Damn cellphones are turned off.

The service began with Ashley puking up a storm. The dream she had of Yawn last night, the times they worked together and read and ate and showered. Oops, maybe not the shower part. But with Ashley thought to be a man you never know. Of course no funeral would have been complete with Ashley said she remembered Yawn calling her his "beauty" and he was her rock of Gibraltar. Yes, Ashley woke up for a minute thinking Yawn was alive. She felt it in her bone. A strong presence like Cassie Newman waiting to come back and roam the halls of Jabot Cosmetics late at night.

Oh my, Ashley spin was so much Jack and Ashley and Traci started bawling again.

Next up, Katherine took the pulpit to say Yawn always made her laugh. When they were but young pups her called her "Goosey" and probably for good reason based on her history of goosing old men right on the floor of her dank mausoleum.

As for Traci, she told the gathering that Yawn made her believe in herself and stop eating like a pig. Now, sob, sob, Traci doesn't know, sob, what she'll, sod, do now that the old guy is, sob, gone.

Then it was Jill's turn to tell how Billy was a "miracle" baby mostly because it was miracle Yawn could still get an erection as the age he helped spawn the girlie boy.

Lastly, Jack said he was so proud to share Yawn's name. A name that stands for "honesty and fairness, kindness and generosity" you name it, when you think of Abbott you think of the toxic swill the Abbott family has churned out for years. Yes, Jack forgot the part where Yawn got his screwing Jill. He didn't forget Yawn's last words, however. The words to the effect that Jack should be running Jabot which really, is all Jack cares about.

When the service had ended and everyone cleared out, Gloria and company arrived. Told the service was over long ago, they all looked shocked. Now who would have changed the time without informing them? Could it be - Jack?

Damn right it was Jack and Gloria figured that out. She knew she couldn't trust Jack, but dumb that she is, did anyway and look what it got her. Another stab wound deep in her hunchback.

Michael and Lauren were appalled. How could Jack stoop so low? They don't know?

They don't know Jack is the Devil in disguise? That when he says he'll "be there" for whomever the person of the week is to be there for, he really means he'll be there to watch the knife go in? Jack's own family doesn't know better than to believe Jack when he wants them to make a pact - that they'll always be together - that he's a lying sack of cow dung?

Cornered, Jack showed his true colors today when he told Gloria she's a "back alley nobody" and no longer a part of the Abbott family.

Family folks, it's all about family. And that sound? It's Yawn rolling in his grave trying to get out before the grave robbers steal his bones.

See Also: Entranced in Hate

Bury Me in the Backyard

August 21, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Now that John 'Yawn' Abbott is dead his grief stricken family just can't put him in a box or an urn and be done with it. Nosiree, they've got to fight among themselves as to whether the funeral should be public or private or whether the flowers should be red or black roses. They wasted all that time bawling as Yawn slowly died and yammered about what a family they are only to make scenes outside his hospital room door and bicker every chance they had. Bicker, bicker, bicker. It seems that's all the Abbotts have ever done or will ever do.

What I don't understand though is why have a funeral at all? Why not bury Yawn's body in the backyard like Katherine Sterling buried Phillip Chancellor? Remember that? Remember when every year Katherine and Jill Abbott would gawk out the Chancellor Mausoleum window and reminisce about Phillip? You could set your calendar by it. Then the gawking stopped. The memories of Phillip went away almost as fast as those of Arthur Hendricks.

Until they've forgotten completely about Yawn too, while his body rots in the backyard, think of the conversation piece value. Whenever the Abbott's squabble at the Abbott Hotel, which is always, they could stop, gaze into the yard and ask if that's what Yawn would have wanted. Ah, but that might be too practical.

Once the Abbott have settled their dispute over the funeral there will be the contesting of the will. And who knows what else will distract Ashley Abbott so that she won't stop to think that except for her daughter's brief appearance at the God Have Mercy Medical Center, she hasn't seen Abby Carlton. She hasn't asked Abby how her first trip to Hawaii was and Abby hasn't said, "Mommy, mommy. We had a great time but daddy Brad and step-mommy Victoria weren't there. There were these strange men following us everywhere though and I met Grammy Rebecca? Do you know I have another Grammy, Mommy?"

Nobody has yet to ask Colleen Carlton where she was for the better part of two weeks either. Couldn't be bothered to say good-bye to Yawn, Gina Roma hasn't asked why Colleen hasn't been in to work. Colleen's mother has yet to ask Colleen how she's been doing when Traci Connelly hasn't seen her daughter for more than a year and wasn't it strange, that at eighteen, Colleen had to get Jack Abbott's permission to leave the hospital with J.T. Hellstrom and if she wished, Colleen could catch up with Traci at the Abbott Hotel later.

Not so strange after all it seems. Colleen is but a baby in an adult body. We know this because she asked George Kaplan today why Yawn had to die. Let's see, little girl, why would a man in his eighties - who has had two heart attacks and two strokes - die? Why would George say, like they all say, it's time for the family to heal? These families never heal! No sooner have the scabs grown over their last insulting injury but what they aren't picking at them.

Maybe it's just me, but couldn't those quackettes at the GHM been a little more sensitive? Don't they know better than to wheel dead bodies past the family? Couldn't Phyllis Summers have picked a better day to go to the hospital to have an ultrasound performed on the baby in her belly? Why do so many doctors have their offices at the GHM? When was the last time you went to a hospital for a visit with your doctor?

And why did she need an ultrasound? Didn't Nick Newman tell Phyllis that Cassie Newman foretold that his next baby would be a girl? Guess not. But still, why didn't Phyllis know Yawn was dying there on that day? Why wasn't news of Yawn's release from prison in all the papers? Why wasn't the media camped out at the GHM awaiting word of Yawn's death?

So many questions, so many loose ends, so little time, but why would Ashley return to the Abbott home to say there's nothing to come home to anymore? She didn't say that when Yawn was in prison. She's never had a problem squatting at her faux daddy's home before, so why now? If there's nothing there, will Ashley finally get a place of her own? Will Jack Abbott?

Will Kevin Fisher get over himself? Will his mother ever shut the hell up? The little weasel at the GHM sputtering what a great man Yawn was some of the ripest swill I've ever whiffed. Besides Kevin doing his best to fry Yawn's granddaughter to a crisp, he had the audacity to tell not only Colleen, but Billy Abbott too, that they should honor the old man by leading a life of integrity!

And God did not strike Kevin dead.

As for the bitchy Gloria Fisher-Abbott, after making the decision to pull Yawn's plug, she turned right around to blame Jack and Ashley for letting the geezer die. Granted, Ashley and Jack are to blame for many things, but wasn't Ashley on Gloria's side pertaining to the plug pulling? Did Gloria forget? Does she really think, like Traci, that she can demand Yawn come back from the grave and he will?

Back to George. What an insensitive bastard! One minute he was bawling at Yawn's bedside, not being completely truthful, and the next minute he was telling Sharon Newman he doesn't want her skanky ass. Not that dumping Sharon wasn't a good thing, it was that from there George arranged for a romantic dinner with his wife - at the office!

Oh yeah, that's romantic. No wonder the women in this town can't say no to spreading their legs for George. He's so romantic! He's like Nick who said today he's willing to watch over Sharon, but he wants Phyllis to be his wife and be there for his baby and tie Phyllis' shoes when she can't see over her belly. Is Phyllis wearing sneakers? Yawn's body was still warm when George told Victoria he wants to give her a baby too. Just what they need, more babies. If Victoria agrees, if she times it just right, she and her niece, um, step-daughter, can have their babies on the same day as Colleen, within hours of her grandpa's death, was humping the hunkmonkey.

There is hope, however, that Colleen won't get pregnant. Not because she doesn't want to get a fat belly, not that she wouldn't want J.T. Hellstrom's baby, there must be something about hunkmonkey sperm. For all the babes J.T. claims to have porked, none of them has ever got pregnant. There could be a good medical reason for this. Men who wear BVDs often have low sperm counts. Endowed men often have a problem with sperm being too cold to germinate for the length it must travel. That can't be J.T.'s problem primarily because bare-chested boys are rarely endowed. Besides all that, Colleen will be attending Genoa City University this Fall and when she sees the hunky professor with the girlie name Adrian she'll probably drop J.T. like a bad habit after which she can tell dear dead Granddad all about it in the comfort of the Abbott's backyard.

And that's another thing.

Because so many people are said to have loved Yawn they'll always have an excuse for stopping by the hotel. Diane Jenkins could do that. She could bring Yawn's grandson Kyle by and when she's asked what she's doing there she can say Kyle didn't get a chance to say good-bye like the rest of the family.

Why, I bet if you ask Yawn when he comes back an angel, he'll say yeah, bury me in the backyard.

John 'Yawn' Abbott Unplugged

August 18, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Just two weeks in the grave, unable to die and just be gone, John 'Yawn' Abbott is coming back to Genoa City as a ghost! Yup, your eyes do not deceive. If it was good enough for Cassie Newman it's good enough for old man Abbott.

And what might be so urgent that Yawn couldn't wait for his raggedy old body to turn to dust? He's got to scold his son for not being so nice to his wife, Gloria! The event is scheduled for September 1 following Jack Abbott's plot to deny Gloria the right to attend Yawn's funeral.

Do you see this too? See how Jack kissed Yawn's hand and made those empty statements of commitment to family? Yes, Gloria is trailer park trash, but she didn't contest Yawn's DNR order. She let Yawn die in peace. Her reward for doing something good? Jack prevents Gloria from attending the funeral? What a black-hearted bastard!

Seems Gloria wants Yawn to have a fancy funeral because he was such a great man. So what if he killed a man in cold blood? Jack, and that cold bitch, that faux Abbott, Ashley, want something more private. They don't want anyone invited. Not even family? Gloria will get so pissed she'll threaten to kill Jack and wouldn't that be rich? Hopefully, she kill the bitch too.

There is then no reason for me to go over what happened before Yawn was unplugged because like the Energizer Bunny, he will keep going and going and... It was noteworthy though that Traci Abbott Connelly showed up at the very last moment to bawl that with Yawn dead she won't be able to live without him and for Traci to actually demand that Yawn "come back." Don't worry, Traci. You will keep living and Yawn will come back.

It was a nice of Phyllis Summers to stop by too and tell Yawn what a great "friend" Yawn was. Phyllis, Phyllis, Phyllis. Shall I play the videotape of Yawn treating you like something he dug off the shower drain?

And George Kaplan, a.k.a Brad Carlton, showing up long enough to bawl and say how Yawn gave him a head start and "trusted" him and as Yawn took his last breaths lied to the geezer by not coming clean. How touching too that Lauren Baldwin stopped in to say thanks for the memories.

But for all the people who should have been there, as I expected, Gina Roma didn't show her ugly mug nor did Mamie Johnson or Mrs. Martinez or the very creepy Christine 'Bug' Blair who got her start thanks to the old man. As for Victor Newman not being there to say good-bye to the man whose company he swiped a couple of times but later became the best of friends, the greatest man of all had an excuse. He was off on a spiritual journey where I suspect, if Victor doesn't get back soon, he may run into Yawn on life's path to 72 virgins or whatever they hope to find in the hereafter.

There is no doubt Yawn's death is a good thing, but coming back as a ghost isn't. When was the last time you saw someone who died come back as a ghost? Probably never. But then, I'd hope, you don't live in Genoa City where ghosts are becoming commonplace. I'd hope too, despite how the government wants you too, that you don't live in constant fear of the daze ahead.

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust

August 17, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

It's Thursday and the clock is ticking. Time is running out for old man John 'Yawn' Abbott and I suspect his DOD (date of death) will be August 18, 2006, or whatever day it really is according to the Genoa City calendar. And don't even ask me to speculate on TOD (time of death).

As I have all week, I was waiting for Yawn to die when they went and hooked him up to a machine despite that the guy had thought in advance to sign a DNR. But then, if they hadn't plugged him in, Yawn wouldn't be laying unconscious in a God Have Mercy Medical Center just so members of his family could be summoned from as far away as New York and Louisiana.

Still, for all my waiting, I've yet to see loyal, gave most of her life to the cleaning and raising of Yawn's adult children and preparing hearty, cholesterol-laden meals consisting of bacon and eggs and pancakes for breakfast, Mamie Johnson at Yawn's bedside. Not the Abbott home bed where Mamie once wished upon a star Yawn would put the sausage to her, the death bed Yawn now occupies.

Nor have I seen the never can have enough maids Mrs. Martinez. Where are these women? Weren't they invited to witness a death? Didn't some Abbott call them and say drop your dust brooms and get over to the hospital? That Martinez wasn't called I can understand. She didn't lust after the old man or console his troubled children. Johnson, well, that's a different story. I seem to recall more than once the Abbotts saying she was as much as part of the family as Ashley Abbott is - maybe more.

I was also wondering, since Johnson put her sister up in the Abbott home for awhile, why Olivia Winters didn't pop into the GHM to pay her respects. Weren't, or aren't, the Winters and the Abbotts tight? Didn't they get invited to Abbott Hotel to celebrate specials occasions? Wasn't Dru Winters beholden to the Abbotts for giving her a big break and a fancy job at the Abbott-owned cosmetics giant?

So where is Dru? Where is her husband? Her daughter? Wasn't Lily often at the Abbott home teaching Yawn's granddaughter Colleen the fine art of slipping out the bedroom window when Colleen had been grounded? What about Neil? Didn't he get on his knees in praise of Yawn a couple of times? Yet none of the Winters has so much as mentioned Yawn's impending death? They haven't heard Yawn got out of prison early? It wasn't in all the papers like when Yawn's heart attack made front-page headlines before he'd even arrived at the hospital?

Are Dru and Neil too busy looking for new sex partners?

We already know Neil wants to shag young Carmen Mesta and moved into the Athletic Supporter Motel to facilitate that goal. We've heard too that Dru will soon take up with some other, new, stud so as to further the endless partner swapping and if they reconcile for the third or fourth time there will be those who will ask how they can ever have sex together again knowing they've each been with other people and wouldn't that make a normal person's skin crawl and feel sticky, but c'mon! Is it too much to ask that they take five minutes to say good-bye to Yawn?

From what we've already seen, how can the Abbott's call themselves a family? What callous bitch among them, knowing that at best to keep Yawn alive means he'd be a vegetable, would consider keeping him on life support? What true family would, at this crucial time, threaten a court battle and thus air their dirty laundry in public?

"Pssst! That's Gloria Abbott. She wanted to keep her brain-dead husband on a machine until the son threatened to sue. Can you believe that bitch?" women at the beauty shop might have gossiped.

Thankfully, there won't be any court battle. Late Thursday, after bringing photographs of the family for Yawn (who can't see or speak), Gloria gave in. She's going to let the old man go in peace.

There was, however, that wretched, can't keep her mouth shut Colleen spending time with Uncle Billy at the Jitter Joint. So concerned for her grandpa, Billy so wanting to be half the man Yawn is, these twits nevertheless wasted time trashing Kevin Fisher and had the audacity, when Kevin return to check on his business, to ask him how Yawn is faring! Asswipe Billy, the only decent term I can use to describe him, had the nerve to bitch that he felt bad about not spending time with his father and not getting to speak with Yawn one last time. Gosh, Billy. If your hatred for Kevin after all these years wasn't greater than the sum of your IQ, you might have spoke with daddy had you bothered to spend more than a minute with him at the hospital. What if he wakes up and wants to speak with you? Haven't you heard? Everyone wants Yawn to wake up. Did you think he might and you won't be there?

And that ugly worm Colleen, having the gall to blame Gloria for Yawn's condition. If Yawn hadn't married Gloria there never would have been a Tom Fisher and Yawn would never have killed Tom, blah, blah. Slap this bitch! Gloria's no prize, but Colleen, oh, just whack the insidious creep already.

Whack Kevin too! Saying that Yawn has been more of a father to him than Tom was patronizing the first time around. Saying it three times was so much elephant dung. It's bad enough Yawn's biological son made such condescending statements when Jack Abbott did all he could to destroy Yawn; slept with his wife and ruined Jabot Cosmetics.

The clock is ticking. Traci Abbott Connelly can't be far away. But where's the man Yawn knew as Brad Carlton? Why isn't Brad kissing Yawn's hand for making it possible for him to be more than a hedge-clipping pool boy? Where's Gina Roma? She and Yawn were so close he let her stay at the Abbott Hotel following the fire at the RoadKill Cafe she owned. The cafe Kevin burned to the ground containing the sweet as pie Colleen and yet Yawn was more of a daddy to Kevin than Tom was? Where's Lauren Fenmore Baldwin? Wasn't it thanks to Yawn that Lauren now owns the Little Shop of Horrors? Where's the respect?

Please, Yawn. Do not open your eyes one more time. Do not give these morally bankrupt people the satisfaction. Leave this Earth now. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Whenever you end up, even if it's Hell, it has to be better than staying with the hypocritical freaks of Genoa City.

Suspected Killer Holds Life and Death Power

August 16, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Now that Nikki Newman and Gloria Abbott have submitted their prayers to God the question is: did God hear them? Will He grant their request for a miracle? Will He strike those quacks at the God Have Mercy Medical Center dead for their persistently running "tests" on patients diagnosed as having suffered two strokes? When the stroke bell has tolled more than once, when the patient in question has previously suffered two heart attacks, isn't the writing on the wall? Shouldn't the Abbotts be making funeral arrangements instead of fussing and feuding over whether to keep John 'Yawn' Abbott alive when the geezer signed a DNR order? Do they really think God will deliver another miracle when each time He does they go right back to dishonoring Him?

Where are their Bibles? Should the Abbotts and the Fishers and the Newmans be holding bedside Bible readings when they aren't hovering over Yawn? Shouldn't they have thought to call in a priest to cast the evil out of Yawn's decaying body? Is it not just tremendous heaps of casually blasphemous fun to watch, once again and for the thousandth time, that mish-mashed messed-up hodgepodgey cocktail of myths and folklore as people who never cared much for Yawn, who were nowhere to be seen the day he was leaving for prison, reminisce about better days intermixed with lovely stories of redemption and hope?

How can these people, especially that baby-killing, sperm-stealing bitch, live with themselves? How can they in good faith let Yawn go to his grave without telling him the truth about Ashley Abbott? How can a son, who slept with his father's wife right under his father's nose, redeem himself? How can Jack Abbott swear allegiance to Yawn late in the game as in his heart of hearts Jack has an ulterior motive for wanting Yawn to live? How can Jack be plotting right now to get even with his father's new wife by playing a dirty trick on Gloria Abbott? Not that Gloria shouldn't pay for her sins, she should, just like her son Kevin Fisher should and Ashley should.

And Colleen Carlton should be made to scrub Satan's ass for not being at her grandfather's side during these, Yawn's final days. Colleen, her sole purpose for returning to Genoa City to be with her granddaddy before he went to prison, hasn't spent more than two hours with the old fart. She's got a great excuse this time, but with Uncle Billy Abbott back in town, with Billy once so worried about Colleen he warned Kevin and drug dealer 'Troy' to stay away from her, why hasn't Billy noticed Colleen's not around and asked someone why?

With Jill Abbott recalling better days with Yawn too, why hasn't she summoned her grandson Phillip Chancellor to say good-bye to his step-granddaddy? Hasn't everyone been saying how important family is? What of Abby Carlton? Shouldn't she be on hand to witness this death? Well, yes, she should and she was.

Within minutes of returning from Hawaii, despite the homecoming and jet lag, damn but what Abby and Colleen were whisked to the GHM to pay tribute to grandpa Yawn. Other than not knowing the difference between being semi-comatose and being asleep, Abby didn't stay long when she heard Uncle Billy was out in the waiting room. It didn't matter that Abby doesn't know Billy from Adam, she had to bond with him.

Colleen on the other hand, bawled she'll never forget what Yawn taught her, like how to sneak out of her room to see a hunkmonkey when she'd been told she was grounded.

And then it was she/man Ashley's turn again to bawl as she thanked Yawn for not only being her pretend daddy, but her pretend mommy too!

What I'd really like to know though, maybe you would too, is how many people have to tell these people there's no hope for Yawn? Christ! The quack told them, except for Gloria they'd pretty much accepted it, and then a nurse had to tell them too and then Ashley changed her mind about pulling Yawn's plug. Yup, nothing like having a human vegetable in the next room, I guess. Maybe they can sell tickets.

Oh, but the best was yet to come. While Yawn signed a DNR, one of the quacks told Gloria she holds the power! She gets to decide who lives and who dies. And what of the DNR? It is apparently meaningless. Screw what your last dying wish may be, even if you put it in writing, some hack, some right-to-lifer can come along and overrule your decision. Thank God, while I suspect the last thing Jack wants is for Yawn to die until he can get his hooks back into Jabot, Jack did the right thing when he indicated he'll haul Gloria's lard ass into court if that's what it takes to get the plug pulled. While everybody is praying, they better pray Gloria doesn't have Senator Frist in her back pocket. The cat-killing First has been known to promote legislation decreeing who can and can't die.

God Asked to Help Evildoers!

August 15, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

There they go. Some of the most blatant breakers of just about every commandment God ever laid out were off to the God Have Mercy Medical Center Chapel to pray for - you guessed it - a miracle!

Please God, we know we're Satan's helpers 350 days of the year, but on the other two we are your humble servants and being this is one of those days we'd like to ask a favor. Could you keep old man Abbott alive? If you do we promise no more bitching and moaning over who has the right to end life or when life begins. We can't promise to stop lying and cheating and stealing and everything you are opposed to, but please? Pretty please? With sugar on top? Can you keep that old bastard, I mean, that harmless and kind and gentle man alive? C'mon God, we know you can do it, if you want to. We know you screwed us over by letting Cassie Newman die, but you did make her an angel so we cut you some slack.

Look, God. Look at Gloria Abbott. Sure, she killed a woman with tainted cosmetics goop our company mass markets, she drugged that Alex kid and had him beat up, but God, Gloria is trying to stay positive. She's fighting to keep the man on a ventilator. Isn't that nice, God? Did you see too that Billy Abbott came all the way back from Louisiana to beg John to "wake up?" C'mon, God. Billy's just a kid. He doesn't know that being unconscious and having a machine breathe for you is not the same as sleeping.

Are you listening to me God! Wake the hell up! Do you have any idea who I am? Let's see some action. I'm goddamn sick and tired of hearing how you do all these good things when all I see is death and destruction and those Jesus freaks out in the street keep saying your son is coming back. Bull crap! Oh, sorry, got carried away. Where was I? Oh, about John. Listen God, what did John ever do that was so wrong. Why take him now? You don't need him - do you? Isn't Tom Fisher working out? What? He went to Hell? What about that woman Gloria killed? I hear two Nazis might be available if my son has anything to say about it.

What? Hey, you wouldn't be trying to get even with Jack Abbott would you? What did Jack ever do to you? Have you seen Jack lately? He's in his father's hospital room right now kissing John's hand. I mean, God. Say, you wouldn't be waiting for those quacks to run more tests are you? What if we light a candle - or three? I know, I'm not Catholic, or am I? Don't Catholics have more pull with you than those common Methodists? What if I bring a Jew in here to pray? Would that get me some action? Not that kind of action, silly. I might have almost married a Jew once. Would that help, or do you want the real deal. My friend, Gloria, might be Jewish. Well, she's not really my friend, but I could pretend she is until that bitch crosses me or someone I love. Why you acting so surprised, God? That I can love? Listen, I've loved so many men their names won't fit on those slabs Noah brought down from the mountain. That was Noah, wasn't it? Or is that my grandson? Damn it, God. While your saving John, please save my entire family. Yes, they've put their meaningless lives at risk again and if you save them this will make something like nine thousand times you've come through, but, you know God, we ain't ordinary people.

So, how 'bout it? A miracle if you please and I mean a real one. John ain't gonna do anyone any good as an angel. If you've noticed, there's no room at the Jitter Joint for another shrine. If you've noticed too, while Cassie is supposed to be watching over us, I haven't seen hide nor hare of her since she told my son it was okay to have Phyllis Summers' baby out of wedlock. Now get off your ass and get me a miracle!

Night of the Living Dead

August 14, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Which is silliest? The blitzkrieg, where Nazis and make-believe PIs and corporate whores beam back and forth between Genoa City and Ohio, or the death of John 'Yawn' Abbott?

I can't tell.

I can't understand why Yawn isn't already dead. He had a "minor" stroke which got him out of prison and into the God Have Mercy Medical Center and a few hours later had a "massive" stroke and he's still alive? The geezer must have nine lives. Yawn also has a family out in the waiting room wringing its hands and wondering what had happened to cause them to be chased out of the death chamber and not one of the quacks working on Yawn had the courtesy to tell them afterwards? Yawn's wife had to flag one down in order to get an update?

Did the quack really say he was "sorry" Yawn had a stroke? What's to be sorry about? I'm no doctor, but I must take exception with the quack's explanation that Yawn suffered swelling that put pressure on his lungs and that caused him to go into "cardiac arrest". Doesn't cardiac arrest mean heart attack? So which is it? Did Yawn have a stroke - or a heart attack - or both - and why is he still alive? Because they "saved" him and put him on a machine? Is that the same as being alive?

Worse yet, Yawn is still bleeding out! That's what the quack said before getting paged and leaving Gloria Abbott standing there while he went off to check on another patient. Talk about bedside manner, how rude and uncaring was that?

And how convenient that Yawn thought to have a Do Not Resuscitate order drawn up prior to his death and his wife and family didn't know? Oh yes, word of the DNR slipped out while Gloria and Jack and Ashley Abbott were hovering over Yawn's death bed again talking to him. Never mind the old fart was unconscious, they were sure Yawn could hear them, that he'd get better and be back home in time for a nice bacon and eggs breakfast if only they remain "brave".

Braveheart that she is, Jill Abbott showed up too to ask what had happened.

What happened? Was Jill driving by the GHM, see all the Abbott family cars parked outside and think she'd drop in to see what was shaking? Did she not get a call about Yawn's situation? Did she not ask, or the person calling, not say Yawn is in the hospital? Was she not there earlier and knew the odds of anyone admitted to GHM as many times as Yawn has are not good?

And what was up with Kevin Fisher having to call his brother with the news? Why didn't Gloria call Michael Baldwin when she was calling Kevin?

What made Jack think to call Traci Abbott Connelly and not Traci's daughter? Wasn't the whole point of Colleen Carlton's most recent return to Genoa City was that she was so concerned her grandfather might be going to prison? Did Traci bother to ask if her daughter was there or was she in such a rush to catch the next flight to Genoa City?

Ashley had the good sense to call Colleen and her former husband, but when she got the recorder didn't leave a message because she didn't want them to "find out this way"?

What way then? What the hell is the difference between leaving a message saying the old man is in the hospital again and please get your ass over here pronto and saying the same thing in person? Because Colleen and George Kaplan are busy dealing with, or hiding from, the Nazis? Then, on top of her stupidity, Ashley broke down bawling that her daughter Abby and Colleen so love their grandpa? Ah, but that wasn't the dumbest thing. Why, when Ashley called George and he didn't answer didn't she call the Hawaiian Hilton? Wouldn't a mother, such that Ashley claims to be, be wondering about now why she hasn't heard from Abby - or George? Wouldn't she have asked what hotel he's staying at?

I say again, kill Ashley, plus the old hag Katherine Sterling. Katherine for bawling on, and talking to, the unconscious Yawn about the good times they shared. A little late, aren't you Katherine? Where were you when Yawn was on his way to prison? Why did you never once visit him? Your snot-dripping nose is less than disingenuous.

Oh, wait! Was that Jack and Ashley passing by the death chamber? Where could they be going? To see a quackette? Sure enough, the kids got to thinking that if Yawn makes it what will life have to offer him? Will he live in a shoe? Will he sit around the house all day drooling in a cup much like Katherine did before she miraculously snapped out of her funk a few years ago? Only one way to find out, ask a friggin' nurse to speculate on Yawn's condition before he's even recovered.

Oh, God, now Gloria's in the chamber and the hag is saying how "impressed" she is with the way Gloria is handling things. What the hell? Didn't the quacks tell Gloria not to upset Yawn and the first thing she did was to start bawling before Yawn went code blue? That was impressive? That was reason for Gloria to respond that she didn't marry Yawn for his money like everyone thought she did? This so further impressed Katherine that she said she wants to be Gloria's friend? Katherine must be hard up. She must be tired of having to crank up the Magic Hitachi.

Look! There's Ashley passing by again. She's sitting next to Kevin and flapping her jaws. What could she be saying? That Kevin could have gone with the family to visit Yawn in prison? Well then, why did she never invite him to go with her? Why doesn't she know that Kevin went to see Yawn all by his lonesome? Moreover, why did Kevin say he didn't want to see Yawn "like that"? Like what? Did Kevin forget going to the prison? Or was it another plot device devised to make Kevin appear as the loving step-son? That might explain why Kevin said he got more love from Yawn then he ever got from his own daddy, Tom Fisher. Yikes! Love? From Yawn? Just what happened during Kevin's one visit with Yawn that would make him say that?

And wasn't Kevin and Ashley hugging rich? Tell us, Kevin, are those breasts real? Are they cancerous? Is Ashley really a she/man?

Here comes Jill again. She's telling Yawn that their son Billy is coming home. Remember Billy? Remember when he was a baby and they fought tooth and nail and how Yawn took her in when she had nothing and she swindled him out of 20% of Jabot Cosmetics? Remember when she slept with his son and how they hated each other so? Yeah, now Jill is saying how "proud" she was to be his wife and even more proud now to be his friend and hoping to hell Yawn leaves something in his will for her.

Puke, puke, puke. The phony baloney is getting so high these creepy bitches and bastards will have to put on their combat boots. Not convinced? Here comes the quack to report that Yawn is responding to the pain medication. He is? How would they know? Isn't Yawn unconscious? Do his brave waves indicate this? What's that? It's only part of "a much bigger picture"? Like Night of the Living Dead? You mean Yawn is still bleeding in the brain and that he signed a DNR so that's why he's on a machine? Oh, DNR only in the event Yawn has another cardiac arrest. Well, that explains that.

What's a DNR? Gloria doesn't know but she does know Yawn would never sign such a thing. Do the kids know? Nope. Jack and Ashley don't, but they do know that's the kind of guy Yawn is. He wouldn't want to be a vegetable and inconvenience his family especially his "beauty". God forbid Ashley, Jack and Jill or Gloria and Kevin have to take turns changing Yawn's bed pan which is exactly what Gloria will be faced with should she prolong his death by contesting the DNR order.

No Time For Praying

August 11, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

There were no new development in the Rise and Fall of the 3rd Reich today so, unlike Rebecca Kaplan, if that's her real name, I am forced to relive John 'Yawn' Abbott's death.

I knew they couldn't just let the old fart die in his sleep or something and be done with it. There had to be all the what's happening, what aren't they telling us, why does he look that way, we're gonna bawl and wring our hands and ask what will become of us if the geezer dies bullcrap.

I knew too that when the prison warden personally called the Abbott home to inform them that Yawn had been taken to the God Have Mercy Medical Center things were going downhill fast.

And sure enough, the moment Jack and Ashley and Gloria Abbott arrived at the GHM damn but what they didn't start arguing. Doesn't matter what they argued about, they should have just sat their asses down and waited like everyone else. Oh, I guess because she didn't give much of a rip when Yawn went to prison, Katherine Sterling had to make an appearance too. Come to think of it, that might not have been such a bad thing as maybe she'll get a taste of death. She's been knocking on Death's door longer than Yawn.

Did I mention there was lots of worry? Not five minutes into this medical trauma Ashley was whining that her daddy may have been assaulted by prison inmates because they found out Yawn was being released early! Oh please, just kill this bitch now. What a selfish, ignorant thing to say. What a repulsive woman Ashley has always been, if she is a woman under that dress, and to the very end had the audacity to call Yawn her daddy.

Quiet please. Here comes a quack with the first prognosis. Yawn can't see too good. Dr. Quackinstein ain't too sure about sending him to an eye doctor until more tests have been run and that medical bill the Abbotts will never see padded higher than a triple-decker Sealy. Oh yeah, it looks like the old coot had a mild stroke, but if you folks want to go visit, be my guest.

Whisper, whisper, cackle, cackle could be heard from Ashley and Gloria as the quack waddled off. What weren't they being told? Why are there all these conspiracy theories? Gosh, you think they'll send Yawn back to prison before Gloria gets a chance to talk to him? Do cats have fleas? Has there ever been a situation where anyone escaped the GHM without having family members drool and bawl all over them?

Quiet please, Dr. Quackenstein has another update.

My, my, Yawn is doing better! Imagine that? Did the lab tests come back already? Is Gloria still worried she won't get to see Yawn? Hell, she was the first one in the door of room 322 - the death chamber. But she didn't get in without a struggle. Gloria had to argue with Jack first.

Oh my, here comes Kevin Fisher. Good thing he wrapped up that Alex the boogeyman case otherwise how else would he have torn himself away from the Jitter Joint? Forget that he's spent all but an hour at his plush new Jabot Cosmetics job.

And who should be first to tell Kevin what's wrong with his dear old step-daddy? Katherine! And, having suffered a stroke, what would Kevin ask first? "Is he going to be okay?"

No, you fool. He had a friggin' stroke. He's had at least two heart attacks and stabbed himself with a letter opener, what do you think Kevin, will he be okay? Is Yawn like 100 years ago? He's gonna die you moron!

Chirp, chirp. Yikes! There's little bird Ashley now squawking that the doctors are "optimistic" when just moments before she though the quacks weren't giving her the full story. Jesus! Just once it would be nice if these people could pick a demeanor and stick with it.

Sputter, sputter. There's Jack bad mouthing Gloria and Kevin don't like it. Whatcha' gonna do, Kevin? Sic that she-beast Jana on him like you did Alex? Such a pussy Kevin is.

Oops, here comes Gloria now to say Yawn is fine. Jack recoils. Fine? What chew mean fine?

Well, let's see Jack. What could it mean? That the old man was sitting up in bed and making jokes? Do you know something we don't, Jackie honey? Instead of running your mouth, why not go see for yourself? Remember now, only one visitor in the room at a time - for now. When Yawn gets critical then you all can hover - 'kay?

Oh, and Jack, haven't you heard? Didn't you shake Michael Baldwin's hand and thank him for having the governor commute Yawn's sentence? So why in the hell did you tell Yawn you're going to make sure he gets out of prison? Doesn't Yawn know? Weren't they all happy about this the day before or have I been inhaling too much ether?

Oops - is that a heart monitor making a high-pitched sound? Yawn just asked for the window to be opened. What in God's name could it mean?

CODE BLUE - CODE BLUE - SHIP SINKING - EVERYBODY OUT!

Sputter, mumble, grumble. Jack's pissed. Bastards kicked him out of Yawn's room just when things were getting good.

Shush, here's Kevin asking Jack the question of the day: "What's wrong?"

What's wrong? What do you think is wrong, fool! Yawn has to stay alive long enough for Katherine to appoint him head of Jabot. You see all those quacks and quackettes running into Yawn's room? You think the nurse needed help opening the window? Never mind, Kevin. Since Jack was just told to leave the room why don't you go rushing back to the room with him anyway and see what's wrong for yourself. Whatever it is, it can't be good. Damn, you think there's time to pray?

Another One Bites the Dust

August 10, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Oh, my freaking God, John 'Yawn' Abbott, sentenced to seven years in prison will be released after less than a year served? Where is the justice in that? What was the point? What is the message? That you can kill someone, confess to the crime, and because you were so nice to come forward and save the State the cost of a jury trial be rewarded with early release? That's the word on the street today as the Abbotts learn that the old man may get sprung.

Maybe you are shaking your head in disbelief. Maybe you can't process it at all, but you must admit, it brings a up number of powerful and deeply revealing notions of just who the Abbotts think they are. They are rich powerful and while she wasn't around to hold Yawn's hand as he was led off to prison, Katherine Sterling is prepared to reinstate Yawn as head of Jabot Cosmetics. When and if that happens, it will pave the way for Jack Abbott to takeover when the geezer dies - and he will die - and then the Abbotts will crow and say how nobody can keep an Abbott down, blah, blah.

Yawn, with one foot in the grave following at least two heart attacks, is apparently not doing well in a prison setting and thus, apparently to save taxpayers the cost of caring for the old goat, when Yawn has "a minor stroke" he'll be "excused" from prison like some poor sap is excused from jury duty. Happy to have Yawn home, the family will sputter how nice it was of the governor to kick Yawn out because he was "sick", but later Yawn will have a massive stroke and rushed to the God Have Mercy Medical Center will die without Dr. Olivia Winters being within a mile of the place.

Yawn's death will also set the stage for the return of his biological daughter Traci Abbott Carlton Connelly who too couldn't be bothered to visit him in prison and for son Billy Abbott to depart Louisiana, or wherever he was last seen, to pay his respects and take up permanent residence in Genoa City when all throughout Yawn's Tom Fisher ordeal, Billy couldn't get off his ass to comfort his daddy or visit him in prison and the one letter he did write had to be delivered via his mother, Jill Abbott.

The only sad thing about Yawn's death is that he'll go to his grave not knowing that Ashley Abbott is not his biological daughter. On his death bed, Yawn will reportedly tell Ashley how much he loves her and she, bitch that she is, will let him die without telling the truth. It may be presumed too that while he appears to be wrought with sadness, Jack will be praying to Satan. The sooner Yawn dies, the sooner Jack can return to power and Yawn's wife, Gloria, can propose yet another toxic cosmetic chemical for the Jabot line.

No ordinary demise, before he kicks, something like fifteen people will hover over Yawn's death bed saying their good-byes. Exactly who these people are will be interesting as I'm going out on a limb and say that of all the people who should be there, Mamie Johnson won't be one of them. While I'm out here with the squirrels, let me say Mrs. Martinez, the other maid, won't be there either. The words tar baby wouldn't have anything to do with it - would it? [Last thought injected merely for those who think I'm a racist.]

Let me go further by picking apart something Yawn's portrayer, Jerry Douglas, had to say on the topic. Asked if he was upset that Yawn is being killed off, Douglas said that once Yawn was sent to prison the writing was on the wall.

"You can't sentence him to seven years and then just get him out in three or six months."

Douglas added that doing so, for example Yawn getting pardoned by the governor, would be "predictable" and that Y&R's new scribe is anything but predicable.

Yet, predictably, Yawn is let out of prison because he's sick?

Moreover, the return of Yawn as a ghost, much like Cassie Newman, wouldn't be predicable either, right?

Douglas says, "There are a lot of rumors about things like that. I'm not sure what they're going to do with me in the future."

Whatever it is, it won't be predictable.

Killer Expects to be Free in Time to Raise Grandchild

June 5, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Are you amazed? I'm amazed. I shouldn't be, but I am. Just one day in solitary confinement for Walrus State Prison inmate John 'Yawn' Abbott? That must be some country club up the river in upstate Wisconsin. Near as I figure it, Yawn spent most of his time in solitary at the God Have Mercy Medical Center in Genoa City undergoing tests. Tests so advanced they couldn't be performed at the prison hospital because the hospital there is so 18th century.

Not only that, the moment Yawn arrived back at the prison, at taxpayer expense I might add, damn but what he wasn't tossed in with the general population. Guess he's not a danger to other inmates after all. It was, as we've since learned, a mere problem with taking too many drugs. That's what happens with old people. They take so many drugs they're like a walking pharmacy. That's if they can afford such luxury. Better yet, Yawn can have visitors again and damn but what they weren't already flooding the prison's visiting hole.

Let's review. Inmate goes berserk. Inmate throws food trays at guard. Inmate gets combative. Inmate is sent to solitary and hours later to a private hospital then hours later is back at the prison with full privileges restored? The keepers must have felt sorry for the old geezer. Either that or they didn't want word getting around that Yawn's bug-eyed wife is a force to be reckoned with. Word like that gets around you know.

Word of Gloria Abbott's private meeting with the warden reached the deepest bowel of the prison even before Gloria had left. The inmates were snickering and thinking to themselves, gosh, why don't we get ourselves a bug-eyed woman like that too? We can throw fits and get taken to private hospitals in nice prison vans and stop along the way at Burger Slug, maybe even stop by the Jitter Joint in Genoa City for a double soy mocha half-caf latte while we're at it. The Warden and his staff won't dare say a word because they are such spineless weasels. And if they should, we'll just get ourselves a fancy doctor and have him say the prison hospital staff didn't treat us right and then have our bug-eyed woman threaten to file a law suit.

That's what Gloria did. She called the prison doctor "irresponsible" and said she's a good mind to sue. What do they think they're running up there at the WSP - a prison? That may be, but Gloria, the rich and well-connected, aren't accustomed to going to prison for their crimes. When caught, they expect slaps on the wrist or at worst, a 90-day sentence at some country club with cable-TV and HBO.

Oh, and then there's Son of Geezer, Jack Abbott told Gloria he doesn't want her making Yawn's life "any harder" than it already is. Poor baby. John's got it so hard. If only he could say that about his penis. If only Yawn were home where he belongs Gloria might not be so happy when she finds out what all those meds really do to him.

I guess that's why Gloria had to go all the way back to the prison - again. Look, WPS isn't across the street, but you'd never know it the way these people come and go like it is. WPS has got to be a good hour away. That's two hours round trip. All that $3 gas, do these rich bastards care about conserving? Hell no! That's why they're rich. I bet Yawn has already cashed in on Bush's $41,000 tax rebate. The average Joe will only get $7, but the rich? They're swimming in dough - and misery.

On the other hand it was a good thing Gloria did make the trek to WPS. If she hadn't we might never know why Yawn got into a fight. Have your heard? No? Brace yourself.

Some other inmate changed the TV channel!

What? You mean Yawn doesn't have cable in his pod? Isn't he a celebrity like OJ was? Didn't OJ have cable. Bet your ass he did. As for word getting around that Yawn has a woman on the outside looking out for him and one not to be messed with, Yawn said it's true!

"The whole prison knows that you took on the warden," Yawn actually said, as Gloria gave him the good news that they're going to be grandparents! Oh my, yes. Yawn was pleased. It wasn't so long ago he couldn't stand Michael Baldwin or that firebug brother of Baldwin's, but snap your fingers, say abracadabra, and Yawn forgets all about that. Who said his memory will be fine? The old fart is so sure his position and power and money will get him out of prison before he's served more than a year of his sentence, Yawn told Gloria he'll be home in time to play grandpa to Baldwin's baby in no time. "Just you wait and see."

Yeah, just what Mrs. Baldwin's baby, if it lives, needs most: an ex-con for a grandfather.

The Long Black Veil

June 2, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

You know what happens when prison inmates get into fights? They get their ass tossed into solitary! So when I heard members of the Abbott family freaking out over the news that Walrus State Prison inmate John 'Yawn' Abbott got into "another" fight - on top of all the other fits he's been throwing in a ruse to convince authorities that overnight he turned into a full-blown nutjob - I had to laugh.

It's laughable because in the real world, if WSP was Oz, Yawn would be dead. Inmates don't tolerate their fellow brethren who keep getting into scuffles. That Yawn is an old geezer doesn't matter. The older they are, the quicker they die. If Yawn tangled with a man half his age it's hard to imagine he's still alive. WPS is not Genoa City where Yawn can go around punching out the likes of Victor Newman and live to tell about it. Prison is not a place where men like Yawn are seen as father figures. Sugar daddies, maybe, but even Yawn's money won't buy him a lover/protector when he's lashing out at everyone as he reportedly is. Still, you gotta wonder why Yawn got a black eye out of the deal. Looking too long at the meat in the shower?

So then, if Yawn had his privileges taken away and if he's been fighting since he's most likely sitting naked in solitary if for no other reason than his own safety - right? Right, or at least that's what the private doctor the Abbotts hired to examine Yawn said today. But then, no sooner had Dr. Campbell paid yet another personal house call to the Abbott Hotel to confirm that Yawn is in solitary but what the Abbotts and Campbell started talking as though Yawn had been transferred back to Genoa City and into the God Have Mercy Medical Center.

There was all this talk about CT scans and MRIs as if the Abbotts had never heard of such modern medicine. Jack Abbott snickered about "Attila the Warden" and eluded to the prison as having eighteen century medical equipment even though the warden has, apparently, given them permission to have Yawn examined at GHM like it has better equipment when it, and its team of quacks, couldn't save Cassie Newman.

As for Jack's hinting that the doctor might have his palms greased with some cold cash if he pulls strings to get Yawn out of prison, the doctor said he's a professional and must at all times be "objective." Picking up the phone, Jack called the prison, got straight through to the assistant warden and horror of horrors, learned Yawn has been in another fight which he initiated. Yawn's confidante, firebug Kevin Fisher was aghast. Did the old man get hurt? Kevin's mother, Gloria was equally stunned. Her sweet, decrepit husband would never start a fight. Jack agreed, conveniently forgetting that twice in recent memory Yawn has used physical violence not counting his murdering Tom Fisher in cold blood.

Now maybe I lost something in the translation, but I swear the next words out of Jack's lying mouth were that Yawn is at the GHM? How could that be when seconds ago the doctor had said Yawn was in solitary? You figure it out. Ah hell, I'll give you a clue. Yawn probably got to Genoa City the same way Brad Carlton showed up in New York City at the exact same hotel where Sharon Newman is staying. What were the odds?

One thing is for sure, as Gloria said, it's all a "nightmare." Everything is a nightmare with these people. If it's not the nightmare of Yawn falling down the stairs and stabbing himself with a letter opener, if it's not the ensuing nightmare when the entire Abbott clan got mixed up in what led to Tom Fisher's death, if it's not the financially troubled Abbott-owned Jabot Cosmetics, it's the nightmare of Yawn being in prison.

And if those nightmares aren't good enough it's that Jack, with all his direct lines into the prison, had to call the creepy Christine 'Bug' Blair, the divorce/legal aid lawyer, to ask that she "find out what she can" about Yawn's situation. Yes, it's tragically hilarious that Gloria would say too that Yawn is a "bright, witty, intelligent man".

I mean, Jesus on a pogo stick! He's a freaking old man. He's 80-something years old. He should be in a nursing home. This is not some eighteen year old with uncontrollable zits. Stop treating the man like a baby!

"It so damn cruel! Unfair and tragic!" Gloria yelped, as Jack mused, "You really love him, don't you?"

No, you dumb cracker. She hates him. That's why she's worried half to death and just got your sorry ass kicked out of two companies where you were playing CEO. Did you forget about those minor things, Jackie?

As it turns out, Yawn was at the GHM. Dr. Campbell went all the way to the hospital, had a look see, then went all the freaking way back to the hotel to report that Yawn has a black eye! Jesus! He's lucky he doesn't have a shank buried in his butt. Funny thing, Campbell got Yawn's test results via the telephone but couldn't call the Abbotts. He did tell them though there isn't much wrong with Yawn. A bad reaction from all the dope Yawn is, um, jacked up on is all. A simple adjustment of the meds and Yawn should be okay.

Good news - right?

Wrong.

That Yawn is okay only pissed Gloria off. If there's nothing wrong with Yawn his ass will be back in prison where he rightfully belongs and that will leave Gloria to walk the streets of Genoa City in a long black veil. She not only doesn't have the prized Jabot in her possession, she doesn't have her man to share it with either.

Prison Break Feared after Warden Submits to Gossip Queen Threat!

May 30, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Someone asked how it's possible for prison inmate John 'Yawn' Abbott to have so many visitors parading into the Walrus State Prison as they have during the past few days, or should that be daze, and how the prison got its name. The name is a variant taken from the Law Offices of Walrus & Walrus where Christine 'Bug' Blair got her first job as a lawyer after receiving a 4-year law degree in less than a year from the Sears School of Law. The geezers said to be running the prestigious law firm, based on their descriptions as put forth by attorney Michael Baldwin who worked at the firm too, conjured up a vision of two walrus singing the Beatles tune, I am the Walrus.

That Baldwin and Nick Newman spent time at the same prison, where Larry 'Wartman' Warton was incarcerated too, and that Victor Newman could just wander into the Warden's office wherever he pleased to demand the warden let him roam the cell block where his son was being taunted by the wartman, also projected an image of the warden as a fat walrus, who like everyone else, was scared of Victor. As everyone knows, Victor kicked the wartman's ass, was instrumental in getting Nick released and later befriended the wartman when he and Larry took down the Frito Banditos.

Strange as it may be, the name Walrus State Prison stuck and as we've seen, the walrus running pen are a docile lot. They allow bug-eyed visitors like Gloria Abbott to demand of them what they've done with such and such prisoner. In Abbott's case, they took away her husband's privileges this week without consulting with her, or any member of inmate Abbott's entourage, and when the family showed up on Tuesday without calling ahead to be sure the prison wasn't in lockdown, or something, had apparently moved Yawn as Gloria belched, "What have you done with my husband!"

In a way, watching Gloria, or her step-children for that matter, order the walrus around is laughable when you consider that she, indirectly if not directly, is responsible for Emma Gibson's death and that's without considering a litany of other crimes she could be charged with. While there's no evidence, Jack Abbott could probably be charged with attempting to bribe a congressman when he recently sought a political favor that would keep Yawn out of prison and, in fact, conspired with his sister to have Yawn smuggled out of Wisconsin to Ireland. Jack wasn't heard actually bribing the politician, but it's a good bet he did.

Ashley Abbott is no saint either. Her biggest crime of stealing a man's sperm has been overlooked not to mention the death of two babies, one by abortion, and conspiring with Baldwin to plant Meth on evildoer Tom Fisher.

Before I knew exactly what would transpire at the prison today, I knew it would be bizarre, but I didn't know how bizarre. It all started when a doctor Campbell showed up at the Abbott Hotel within moments of being summoned by Gloria, who the doctor said, "sounded upset" on the phone. And for that reason alone, Campbell dropped what he was doing when what he was told could have been said over the phone unless, as many Americans are these days, they didn't want the government listening in on their call. Which, come to think of it, is the perfect excuse now whenever these people ask how high when the Newmans or the Abbotts tell them to jump.

Not that it matters what Dr. Campbell's specialty is, Gloria wants him to examine Yawn at the prison despite the fact that two lawyers have said, correctly, that inmates cannot be seen by their personal physicians. Regardless of prison rules nationwide, Campbell, based on what he was told second hand, declared Yawn's mental state an "emergency" and announced he would be going to the prison within the hour. This, following a call from the warden to the doctor at the hotel! As it turns out it was a wise decision by the warden. Forget the red tape and forms to fill out, Campbell will have unfettered access to Yawn.

It's what happened earlier that blew my mind. At a moment's notice Jack and Gloria were able to get an appointment with the warden. They drove all the way to the prison as though it was just across the street and when they got there fully expected Yawn to sit in on the meeting like some board meeting at Jabot Cosmetics. Unfortunately, "Prisoner Abbott" had been a bad boy and had his toys taken away after throwing a fit in the mess hall during which Yawn threw his breakfast tray at a guard. Gloria was beside herself. Yawn, her sweet, sweet innocent and loving husband, would never do such a thing.

"My husband isn't a violent person," Gloria actually said, when it's she claiming Yawn isn't himself these days. It took the warden to remind her that Yawn is in prison for killing a man to which Gloria gave the warden the "self-defense" finger.

Pressing onward, Jack told the warden that Dr. Campbell wants to test Yawn and was immediately shut down. The Abbotts may be big shots on the outside, but inside prison walls Yawn is just a number. After some bellyaching, the warden agreed provided Campbell fill out the required paperwork which must be approved by prison doctors.

That's when Gloria threatened to sic the gossip queen of access cable television, Leanna Love on him! God did not strike Gloria dead and the warden didn't roll on the floor while laughing his ass off or ask who the crazy one is here. Yawn or Gloria? Leanna Love? The nobody? The one-book author who exposed Victor Newman way back when? Has Gloria not noticed how much impact Love's book 'Ruthless' didn't have on Victor? The great man is so powerful today he's giving away jet planes! No joke. As a bone, a little something to keep loyal employee Neil Winters in line, Victor gave Neil the Newman jet today.

Gloria told the warden she's sure Love would want a juicy story about him. She said the warden's name will be in on the papers. How dare he following prison policy? Gloria will teach the bastard to mess with her. At first, the warden wasn't exactly shaking in his boots, but somewhere along the line someone got to him as we learned later when, again instead of calling, Dr. Campbell returned to the hotel to tell the Abbotts he'll be seeing Yawn in apply blossom time. The only caveat? The doctor must examine Yawn outside the confines of prison!

Do the Crime? Do the Time!

May 29, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Where there's a Will Bardwell, there's a way to get old man John 'Yawn' Abbott out of prison. That's what Ashley Abbott is hoping. But for the life of me I can't understand why the geezer would want out of the Walrus State Prison unless he plans to go on the road to track down Dina Mergeron, his first wife. Not that it would be an easy task for Yawn to accomplish, Dina is dead. I do have a suggestion for Yawn, however. Get your old bones out of the slammer, get back to Genoa City, late one night go over to Newman Enterprises and wait by the elevator. If you do this on a night when the planets are aligned just right you'll most likely hear the sounds of a music box followed by a flash of light and then - if the gods don't have their wires crossed and Cassie Newman appears by accident - Dina will float down from the heavens! What? Don't believe me? Ask Nick Newman.

You gotta admit though, Yawn pulling this I-can't-remember stunt might just work. He's got the old age, the frail bones, the bad heart, and the good sense to know that Brent Davis did more when he was alive than give golf lessons. If Yawn's memory wasn't so well in tact how on earth would he be able to dredge up these names from the past? Is it an omen? A sign that before he dies Yawn will find out that Brent is Ashley's real father? What other reason could there be for Yawn to say it's "important" Dina be located?

What will the medical experts say about a man with such memory recall to members of the Abbott family who think Yawn is off his rocker? What will doctors say when Ashley whines for the millionth time that Yawn is "starting to lose his mind"? That maybe she's the one who desperately needs a mental health evaluation? Who, in their right mind, goes around talking about getting a killer, having served but a few weeks of his sentence, out early? What sane person would think the sentencing judge can step back in to change the sentence? Ashley might want to take a tip from her step-mother and look it up on the Internet. Only the Governor of Wisconsin - can save Yawn's ass now. No Parole Board will so much as look at Yawn's case at this stage regardless of Yawn's medical condition, if that is, he has one.

For the sake of argument, what has Yawn forgotten? That his bug-eyed wife and inept kids keep hammering him with repeated visits? That's the freaking problem here. Keep Gloria and the kids away from Yawn and he'll be just fine. So what if Yawn is displaying signs of Alhemizer's again? Doesn't everyone past age 50? Does that Yawn may have a medical problem automatically mean he gets out of prison? A transfer to the psycho ward, maybe. Surely other inmates have similar problems but they're still locked up. Who does Yawn think he is - Ken Lay? Elite and special and powerful like Victor Newman so much so that if he promises to build a wreck center the State will set his ass free?

Ashley is pressing hard to find someone she can payoff in exchange for Yawn's freedom. She'll do anything even if it means screwing Bardwell, although it looks like she may have to give it away because as District Attorney, Bardwell said today there aren't many strings he can pull. The aroma of Ashley's honey pot did get his juices flowing, however, as Bardwell said he'll talk to one of his pals on the Parole Board about Yawn.

So, once again, in Genoa City, the message is the same as always. Don't worry about breaking the law. Laws are for the little people, the pawns and peons who can't afford fancy attorneys, who don't have low friends in high places who will, if necessary, trample on the Constitution if it means preventing their corrupt friends from going to, or getting out of, prison.

It's the ultimate Golden Parachute, the Golden Rule. He who has the gold makes the rules and while Ashley is working hard to manipulate those rules her creepy ilk across town are planning a benefit for the purpose of warning kids about the dangers of driving and drinking. So righteous and morale are they. Yawn did the crime. Let him do the time.

Dog Eats Dog

May 23, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

I guess there's nothing in the Books of Ethics that says the District Attorney can't fall in love with the woman he at one time suspected of killing Tom Fisher and the daughter, faux as Ashley Abbott may be, of the man Will Bardwell eventually sent to prison for that murder. Then again, as reported earlier, it was always John 'Yawn' Abbott's decision whether he'd go to prison or flee to Ireland. But isn't it slightly disturbing that of all the women there must be in Genoa City Will has, apparently, picked Ashley? Hasn't he heard? Shouldn't someone tell him how Ashley stole sperm, how she killed two babies and has, it seems, been married at one time to every man in this town?

What about Paul Williams? Isn't, or wasn't, he "dating" Ashley? Wasn't she hot for Paul too? Is another love triangle in bloom? Aren't two triangles enough? Isn't it pathetic that Nick Newman and Phyllis Summers keep saying how much they wish time could be turned back; how if they were in a time machine they could undo the harm they've done to so many people and yet, when it comes down to it, when they're being treated like pond scum, when they say they mustn't be seen together, they keep seeing each other?

What does it say about Brad Carlton, married less than a week, when he and Sharon Newman, her days persistently bad ones that only Brad can make better, her bitching and moaning what a dog Nick is for putting the pork to Phyllis while he was happily married, when she, Sharon, was telling Brad on his wedding day that she'd gladly spread her legs for him, swap spit like two dogs suffering from dehydration? What does that say about Victoria Newman's performance in bed if her husband is already lusting for other women?

What of Will's leading Ashley on by pretending to help get her daddy out of prison on early release when surely, strange as Wisconsin is, there must be minimum sentencing guidelines in place? What of Ashley's buying Will's bull despite his saying that getting Yawn out of the pokey won't happen overnight? Does she think that maybe spreading her legs might grease the skids so to speak? Is she really taking Will's word for it that the head of the "medical division" will keep an eye on Yawn's health? When has any prosecutor ever shown compassion for a criminal? Is this what taxpayers pay them to do? Is it the policy of the Attorney General's Office to coddle killers?

And did Ashley really say she expects Will to "do nice things for me from now on?" Why? Because she's going to screw him? Because once Will has dipped his monkey in the love pot he'll never want sex with anyone - or anything - else? Is Will really the "Master of the Unexpected"?

How nice too of Ashley to take Will to the Athletic Supporter Club where Ashley's niece, or sister, or step-daughter, or who the hell knows how anyone is related these days, was working her first day as a waitress. How nice of club manager Gina Roma to shower nephew Daniel Romalotti and his wife with a meal fit for a king as Victoria Newman came forth to imply that Colleen Carlton, her step-daughter by marriage but who she'd rather consider a friend, is too good to be working as a lowly waitress earning nickels and dimes when Colleen too could have a fancy job at Newman Enterprises if she so desired. How modest of Colleen to say no thanks, she'd rather see how the other half must scrape through life barely making enough money to pay the electric bill.

Oh, these people. So desperate they must do the unthinkable. They must, as Jack did today, confront those who done them wrong and ask if it was just sex or was there more to stabbing the knife deep in his back like Nick did to his own father. How beyond reproach of Jack to be able to walk into the executive offices at Newman Enterprises as though he owned the place while moments earlier Brad was telling Phyllis that because she's such a skank, shouldn't show her face around the place? How great is Jack's memory that he recalled it was a rainy day when Nick was 10 and came crying to him after breaking a window? Woe is Jack. He just can't understand how Nick would do Phyllis knowing what she means to him. Knowing that she did Damon Porter before Nick didn't seem to bother Jack. But Nick, well, that's a different story.

"Do you want her now?" Jack bellowed at Nick, as if to say that Phyllis, and women in general are just so much meat to be shared with other dogs when the Alpha male is done having his fill.

I know, I shouldn't be surprised. There is a shortage of available, virgin men and women in this city. The movers and shakers here must constantly swap partners. Hey, have you had Ashley yet? Have you tried Phyllis? They are hot, hot, hot. Hey, Paul! Isn't it about time you start sucking around Lauren again? She's only 9 weeks pregnant. Why not screw her too so that, like Phyllis, Lauren will have to conjure up a means to swipe some of your DNA? It's true. When she isn't sucking around Nick, Phyllis will be plotting to get Jack Abbott's DNA. It should be easy enough given that Jack, while he's bummed out that the boy he taught not to play ball in the house did his ex-wife, will probably roll with Phyllis again. Give Jack a week or so and he'll be so horny Seawind the horse will look good.

Off to See the Wizard

April 3, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

When I heard that either Jack Abbott or Ashley Abbott, I can't remember which of the two it'll be (note the day this was written), or whether it'll be both, who go to visit their father in prison, I couldn't help but laugh. No, not because John Abbott is not Ashley's biological father, but because if it was me in prison the last thing I'd want to hear is that the kids have put my company at financial risk again.

Not that John has any controlling interest in Jabot Cosmetics, he doesn't. He may be somewhat concerned as to how Jabot prospers, however, because presumably if it does well his kids and wife won't have to get off the gravy train. Ashley and Jack won't have to get homes of their own and his wife, Gloria, will have those dividend checks to keep her warm.

I can only imagine how the meeting will go.

"You came all the way up the river to Walrus State Prison to tell me you've screwed up again? You didn't bring me any home baked cookies or Mamie's sweet rolls? Oh, that's right. Mamie hasn't lived with us for years. So tell me. What have you F-ed up this time? What? You dumb bitch? You gave a list of the ingredients in Glow Again to the hedge clipper? Have you completely lost your mind? Where's the list now? Do you really thing Bradley hasn't made copies or put it up for sale on E-bay? Christ, I haven't been behind these bars for a month and already you dinkwads have screwed something else up.

Law suits coming? My granddaughter in the hospital again because you let her play with that toxic goop? How many times have I told you not to bring poisons into the house? Why do you think we cook it up in a lab? Hell, you could have saved me the trouble of killing Tom Fisher by just giving him some Glow Again. Oh, that's right. Glow Again wasn't around just a month ago. You concocted it in your spare time while I was fighting for my freedom and got samples of it distributed worldwide already? Amazing. You kids never cease to f-ing amaze me.

So why are you telling me all this? What do you expect me to do? In case you haven't noticed, I'm locked up. I can't, like you my beauty, go around stealing sperm and breaking laws. And what's this I hear about you, Jackie? Accusing my wife of corporate espionage? Didn't you dumb craps learn anything from the Magic Orchid mess? Whatever happened to that anyway? Never mind. Look at Gloria's face. Try not to puke. Is this a woman who would commit espionage? I think not. And what did I tell you about security? Can't you get that clueless PI to install an alarm system so you can track who comes and goes? Shouldn't access to the lab be restricted to only a select few? Christ, no wonder you two are in another fine mess. Get the hell out of here and don't come back until you can show me Jabot isn't in trouble. Just once I'd like to go to sleep at night without having to worry about what you dimwits are doing."

GUARD: "Mr. Abbott. You're wife is here."

"Please show these boobs out and send her in. Hi sweetheart. You sure took your sweet-ass time getting here. Why did you wait until a major catastrophe at Jabot before visiting? You aren't getting it on with Jackie, are you? That bastard did it with Jill, you know. Nailed her right under my roof, the creep did. Then screwed her again out by the pool. Of course, Jill was my ex-wife that time. But the audacity of that boy, doing his step-mother like that, but then. What's this I hear? Where did your son get the idea that Jack is, what did Kevin say, 'a professional businessman'? You better bring that boy up to speed. If Kevin is using Jackie as a business model that stinking coffee shop will be in as bad a shape as Jabot.

And what's up with that other son of yours discussing Jabot problems at that tourist trap? What were Katherine Chancellor and Jill doing at the Little Shop of Horrors? Oh, I know these things. I may be locked up, but I got my sources. Ever heard of Al Capone? He ran the Mob right from his cell. A snap of Al's fingers and people got whacked. Say, that might not be such a bad idea. Doesn't Katherine have a boardroom over at Chancellor Industries? What about the boardroom at Jabot? Was someone screwing on the table at the time? Is that why Katherine and Jill met with Michael at Lauren Fenmore's speak easy? It is, you know, a dive. Lauren did Paul right on the floor practically in the front window. God, that woman is such a slut.

Speaking of sluts, I forgot to ask her, but why is Ashley telling Paul Williams anything about Jabot's problems? I know, Ashley will be screwing Paul now that her marriage to the pool boy has abruptly ended, but why bring Paul in? To find who poisoned the poison? It wasn't you, was it, Gloria? Jackie thinks so. You wouldn't be trying to stick it to Jackie and Ashley for treating you like dirt, would you, Gloria? Can't say I'd blame you. Those kids have me so pissed off I'd kinda like to see them suffer for awhile. <Snicker, snort> Now where was I? Oh, yeah.

What the hell is the deal with Katherine and Jill asking Michael what a law suit, what impact, bad PR about another Jabot toxin spreading like Avian flu would have on the business? Jesus, if I didn't know better, I'd say Sharon Newman is smarter than those two. What do they think it'll do to business? And what can Michael do about it? If Michael's effort to keep me out of prison is any indication of his skills as a lawyer, God help Jabot.

Now, if you don't mind, Gloria. My drool cup is about to overflow and I'm very tired. I'll tell you the same thing I told the kids. Don't come back unless you've got some good news about Jabot, or, your prepared for a conjugal visit. I have my needs, you know. Don't you, Gloria? Haven't you missed me in bed? Show me your breasts!"

GUARD: "Time's up, Mr. Abbott. No touching!"

The Missing

March 2, 2006
by Christopher Jermal Glymph
 

John Abbott was really short changed during his long goodbye this week when some of the shady characters that he's supported over the years failed to support him. Instead he got this crappy half-ass three day goodbye almost all if not a majority of the people named below should have been at the court proceeding and the farewell.

Gina Roma - Was at one time so in love with the man but couldn't be bothered to show up at court or the farewell.

Phyllis Summers Romalotti Abbott - Didn't John give her and the "bad seed" a place to stay when the Newman's kicked them off the ranch? Not to mention John was her father-in-law she could have taken time out of her lusting after a married man long enough to say goodbye.

Nikki Reed Newman - She was married to Jack Abbott so this man was her father in law at one point not to mention she works for his company.

Paul Williams - Suppose to be caring so much about Ashley and after working on John's case the least he could have done was say goodbye.

Katherine Chancellor - They were such good and old friends yet she didn't say more than three words to the man at his farewell.

Lauren Fenmore Carlton Baldwin - Didn't John's money pay for her wedding not to mention she played a intricate part in this whole mess the least she could do is wish the man well.

Christine Blair 'Bug' Williams - John married her dying mother. Doesn't this count?

Dina Abbott - (John's first wife) would have been a great time for her to tell him that Ashley is not his child! Gloria would have had a field day with that.

Billy Abbott - although that excuse about being in Asia working on some big project was crap, he still should have been there for his father. Talk about ungrateful.

Keemo Volien - By all rights John is his grandfather and he's an Abbott. Keemo should have made a return and staked his claim.

Mamie Johnson - was once the housekeeper that raised Jack and Ashley not to mention was in love and almost married to John. Maybe she's too busy spending Jill Abbott's millions?

The Long Goodbye

March 1, 2006
by Michael Kelly

While this reporter hasn't made a secret of his newfound appreciation for John Abbott and his portrayer Jerry Douglas since Tom Fisher made Abbott's life a living hell (and gave Douglas the opportunity to give the finest performances of his career), even I'm thinking this three day Long Goodbye for the character has been a bit much. Really, aren't we all glad this tear stained maudlin madness is finally over?

Particularly since you know damn well if Abbott were a lowly plumber named John Q. Public from Podunk his elderly self would've been dragged away in handcuffs the moment the guy from Roots: The Next Generation announced his sentence (which, for the crime of voluntary manslaughter, would have been considerably longer for Mr. Q. than Abbott's measly 7 years).

I can't help but think the idea of John being hustled out of the courtroom (as well as his wife and 2.5 children's lives) by storm troopers would have had an immediacy and impact sorely lacking in the marathon sob-fest sayonara the character received.

That's not to say, however, that today's final installment of The Long Goodbye didn't have its moments. For instance, I liked the male bonding bye-bye scene John had with Brad. I thought it was amusing when Carlton suggested the old man should get himself a "six pick" while incarcerated after Abbott mentioned he'd spend his confined time reading and "pumping iron."

The problem was, Brad was given far more dialogue and a longer embrace while saying so long to John than his own daughter Traci. Considering the fact Traci hadn't seen her father, siblings and daughter in four years, Beth Maitland (Traci) was definitely gypped by the writers. Y&R's first Emmy winner deserved better.

What also could have been improved upon was Traci's hair, which is now an unbecoming shade of red I'd have to describe as a cross between a fire engine and marinara sauce.

Something Y&R did quite right was inject flashbacks (some of which were nearly 25 years old) into John's farewell scenes as Josn Groban's "You Raise Me Up" provided poignant musical accompaniment. Another classy touch was the inspired use of Y&R's theme as John made his exit.

Once John was gone and a devastated Gloria's face was glimpsed behind the Abbott's front door (which is adorned with an elaborate wrought iron design making it appear Gloria herself was as confi