See Also: Gloria Abbott  Ashley Carlton  Abby Carlton  Paul Williams
2006 Business News

Ghostbusters

September 1, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

When members of my dead family and a friend showed up at the grocery store today I said aloud, "It's about damn time. Where have you guys been?" My Aunt and Uncle were there. My cousins were there and my friend, who died at sixteen when he crashed his parents car, was admiring how good I looked after all these years. Following me around the store, my aunt scolded me for stealing money from her purse when I was ten, my uncle asked whatever happened to that girl I was in love with at fourteen and my friend wanted to know if I had missed him. As I answered their questions other shoppers gave me strange looks and feeling self-conscious I moved to an empty part of the store only to find that the ghosts, I guess you could call them ghosts, hadn't followed. Retracing my steps, they seemed to have vanished. Back home I told a skeptical wife what had happened.

"You can't talk to the dead and they can't talk to you," she asserted, but when I maintained that I had she wanted to know if it had happened before. My reply was no, but that I'd seen dead people before. Where?

In Genoa City!

My wife was knocked for a loop. "You mean that fictional city? That soap opera?" she sneered.

Soap opera? Fictional? Genoa City is very real. The people are real. Ask anyone. See what happens if you ask Nick Newman if he's seen dead people and he'll tell you about his dead daughter, Cassie. See what happens if you go to the city's local coffee shop and ask what that shrine is to Cassie in the corner and they'll tell you what a guardian angel Cassie is. She watches over certain people in this city so watch your mouth. No, she couldn't prevent her mother from being kidnapped, or her half-brother from having his cherished family ripped apart, but Cassie can predict who her humanized replacement will be and that said replacement will be female. Cassie won't admit it, but she may have been responsible for hooking up Nick with a woman nearly twice his age, that woman will bare her replacement and thus provide Noah Newman with a new sister and in the process the woman's son with a sister and a brother!

It's a stinking miracle I tell you! You gotta pray. You gotta believe. You gotta keep your eyes open. Just look around. Go out to the Newman Ponderosa. If you wait around long enough the very dead Cameron Kirsten may peek through the window. He may sit next to you on the sofa. You cannot be afraid. You cannot threaten to call security. Only believers can see the dead.

And that belief most likely explains why Jack Abbott is now seeing his dead father. In the grave for less than a week, John 'Yawn' Abbott is already making the rounds. He's making a list and check it twice. He's scolding those who treat, or have treated, his wife badly. He doesn't like those who diss freaks of nature. As for why Yawn came back long before Cassie ever did, it's an age thing. When they die old people bounce back faster so long as they weren't buried in the backyard of the Chancellor Mausoleum. Graves that can been seen from windows aren't conductive because angles don't like to be seen rising above which explains why Phillip Chancellor didn't appear to Katherine Sterling or Jill Abbott. With Jill and Katherine always gawking out the window at his grave Phillip couldn't risk it.

Like me, when Jack saw his father he had to tell someone so he told his sister. Ashley Abbott, who claims to be Yawn's daughter, should have been upset that Yawn didn't appear to her first given she was Yawn's "beauty", but all she said was that something must be on Jack's conscience if he's seeing dead people.

That Jack saw Yawn once might have been understandable given the circumstances, but four times in one day? First at the Abbott home where Yawn asked Jack to pass the cream, Jack cautioned that cream isn't good for Yawn's cholesterol and Yawn saying it doesn't matter because he's dead, again when Yawn returned to say Jack needs to come clean about the will, a third time in the courtroom where Yawn took the witness stand and later at the Athletic Club bar!

Thank God, the Judge didn't ask the lawyers if they wanted to question him and she didn't herself have a few questions, like did you know what you were doing when you signed that will? Unfortunately, perhaps due to some contractual arrangement with Lucifer, Yawn couldn't, you know, put a bug in the judge's ear.

And thus, after making them wait a whole friggin' day, the judge ruled that the second will is the law of the land. Gloria Abbott lied to Yawn and because of it Yawn wrote will #2. All conjecture on the judge's part mind you, but as we've seen too many times, evidence, facts, the truth has never set anyone free.

Habeas Corpse!

August 31, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Somewhere along the line someone decided it would be better having old man John 'Yawn' Abbott's signature on his second will verified by a handwriting expert than it would dusting the will for prints. Not that it mattered, the sleepy judge handed down her ruling today following another explosive, drama-filled, Genoa City kangaroo courtroom scene.

There were, of course, the usual preliminaries like Kevin Fisher asking his all-purpose lawyer brother what the odds were of their mother winning the case. And as usual, nobody could rightly say. Six one, half dozen the other. In the interim, Kevin must have concluded that living in a crowded condom with his brother, Michael Baldwin's wife and his mother was not one of the brighter things he's done. To correct the errors of his ways, Kevin announced that he'll check to see if there might be a vacancy at the Athletic Supporter Motel.

As it so happens, the GCN hears there will be a vacancy soon when, should we spill the beans, ah, what the hell, Carmen Mesta moves out!

An overly confident Jack Abbott meantime was sure the court ruling would go his way and when it does, with the help of the great Victor Newman, a man Jack once hated so much, he will rule Jabot Cosmetics again - if not the world. Still, Jack's sperm-stealing sister wasn't so sure. There's something fishy going on Ashley can't put her finger on.

There is something fishy about a will turning up out of nowhere, but what smelled to high heaven today was that Lauren Baldwin said she couldn't comprehend Jack and Ashley stooping so low for money. To hear people like Lauren sputter you'd think they hadn't lived in Genoa City most of their lives or read the papers. Jack and Ashley are the lowest of the low. They produce and sell toxic chemicals for Christ's sake. It's true! Has Jabot ever once put an all-natural cosmetic product on the market?

And because this city and its court system are so strange it was no wonder that the handwriting expert personally called not only the Abbott's, but Baldwin too, to say the second will signature is legit. Suddenly, Gloria Abbott's chances of winning the case went into the toilet. She whined of not believing the old man would have screwed her like that and might have said when the old geezer was alive he didn't screw her but once or twice had it not been for her immediate family saying the old guy really did love her.

In court the judge ruled that the will in question was written by John Abbott. Her Honor did not care much that he was mentally unbalanced at the time as, according to the lawyer for the plaintiff, Abbott's medical condition didn't go south until after he wrote the will. Nor did it matter that only Jack witnessed the will or that the date on it could have been forged. The judge did take into consideration that not all the facts in this case have been presented, however, and said she would take that under advisement as the ruling pertaining to the signature does not necessarily mean that Gloria has lost.

For the hell of it, the judge entertained a back-biting dog and pony sideshow put on by Jack and Ashley. Bashing Gloria up one side and down another, they ragged what a gold-digger Gloria is, or was as the case may be. Gloria got so upset she made a commotion and had to be subdued by her children. Gloria did, by way of her son, get in her digs too. It was pointed out that since Abbott referred to Gloria as his wife that must have meant therefore that he wanted her to get the bulk of his estate. Asked if it was true, did Yawn speak of Gloria in wifely duty terms, Ashley said yes. But not a single person in the court made a motion as to Ashley's credibility in that she is not Yawn's biological daughter which legal scholars would agree would have had a major influence on the judge's decision to even listen to all the mud slinging much less admit it into the record.

Alas, this is Genoa City where no trial is complete without a kangaroo.

Kicking and boxing like a Victor Newman, Baldwin's kangaroo contention was that since Ashley stands to inherit money from Yawn's will she'd do and say anything to get her grubby hands on it. It's not like she'd be satisfied with her share, the more the merrier. And it wasn't enough that Ashley smeared Gloria, Jack had to puke his guts about her before Gloria got to say that since Yawn loved her and they went on a second honeymoon together, this therefore meant she was his wife and entitled to as much of his money as possible. About the first wedding not being legal, Gloria flicked that off as just a glitch.

To make her point, Gloria was actually allowed to confront the greedy Abbott twins. She accused them of being after the money. She said that before marrying Yawn she had supported herself quite nicely so it's not like she needs the money. Furthermore, Gloria said she will not tolerate anyone saying she's not Yawn's wife because, because, well, because he was the only man she truly loved.

After adjourning the case until tomorrow, the judge took due notice. Note to self: re-write probable law to read: spouse who claims to have loved the other shall be considered rightfully entitled to dead spouse's estate.

As the courtroom emptied Lauren and Kevin threw hate balls at Jack and Ashley. Are they satisfied now? Are they proud of themselves? Are they ashamed for airing the family's dirty laundry in public? Do bears crap in the woods? Be very, very afraid Jack Abbott. What dies has a way of coming back to haunt you. Habeas Corpse!

The Devil's Helper

August 28, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

If you didn't read the Editor's Desk on Saturday you wouldn't know that I had a brush with death which made me think afterwards that I've got to stop procrastinating about writing a will. Not that I have much to leave behind, the few things I do have I don't want going to the State. So when I heard that Jack Abbott coerced his imprisoned father into making out a will which Jack then instructed old man John 'Yawn' Abbott to give to the prison preacher I got to thinking, hey, why don't I do that?

To hell with the will I made out and gave to my attorney so there won't be any doubts upon my death, I'll give another will to some sticking man of the cloth without bothering to obtain any witness signatures. When I'm dead my wife might say that the first will I wrote, the one that was witnessed, the one a lawyer assured me was legal and binding, the one not written at a time my heath was declining, is the only legitimate will.

But it won't do her any good.

My greedy son, the slime who once slept with another of my many wives while I was married, made me write the second will. He convinced me it was the right thing to do since, in my failing health, I forgot what a creep he is and how power hungry he is. In a stupor, I said recently that when I died I wanted my son to run the family business the majority of which is owned by the woman I once went skinny-dipping with. I did all this not knowing there would be a contesting of the wills and my wife most likely to get screwed, again, by my son.

Within hours of my death the second will be delivered to the home where I lived. Within hours of my funeral my son will have contacted my lawyer, a lowly bug, with a law degree from Sears. The bug, Christine Blair, will snap her antennae and a probate judge will appear. All interested parties will stop whatever they're doing and appear in court to hear the judge's decision. The preacher will have been summoned too and on the witness stand say he gave the will to my children because my son was named in the will as executor of the estate. The judge will fidget a bit before calling a recess so that she can review the case and later say, yes, I named my son executor without making any mention of my wife.

My wife's attorney will pop out of his seat to demand the will be checked for fingerprints. The court will not erupt in laughter. The judge will not suggest a better method of authenticity would be to call in a handwriting expert to verify my signature on the will. The judge will consider a motion to have the second will set aside, however.

This should not surprise me. When I was alive I experienced several instances where people who have deemed one thing have had their wishes overturned by a judge. Election results, for example. Voters can vote one way all they want, but if a judge doesn't like how the majority voted, the judge can throw the election result out.

Null and void best describes Jack Abbott and this entire squabble over a second will. The question nobody has asked is whether the old man indicated in the second will that it superseded all and any previous wills. Nobody, of course, witnessed Jack dictating to his father what should be in the second will. There are no guards or cameras at the Walrus State Prison to observe such things. It has been established there were no written witnesses to the second will, but yet the judge must ponder? What's to ponder? The second will is bogus! It was written under medical duress.

Ah, but to dismiss the second will out of hand would be too easy. Considering the will even for a moment provides the means for Jack to lock his step-mother out of the family home without legally giving Gloria Abbott a 30-day notice to vacate now that Jack and that sperm-stealing bitch Ashley Abbott own the Abbott Hotel. It provides the means for Gloria to bawl like a baby outside the home without thinking that a call to the police would get her access to the home so that she could at least obtain her personal belongings.

Moreover, this will be the means for Yawn to come back as a ghost to scold Jack and I'm wondering if, like in those old TV shows, Yawn doesn't appear as a little conscience sitting on one side of Jack's shoulder, while a Devil's helper sits on the other.

Grave Robbers

August 24, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

How I love funerals. Especially those that take place in Genoa City in a house of God and the damn roof doesn't cave in due to the overcrowding of religious hypocrites. Take the John 'Yawn' Abbott funeral for example.

There was today the breaking out of family photographs and the not related by blood in any way Ashley Abbott whining how she couldn't believe this is the day she'd be burying her faux daddy. There was the biological Traci Abbott Connelly so out of it she was snoozing when Ashley pondered why Jack Abbott was so nice to his father's wife and Jack saying he was just going along to get along.

Meantime, over at Michael Baldwin's condom, Yawn's wife Gloria and her son Kevin Fisher were getting ready for funeral presumably because there just isn't enough room at the Abbott Hotel or a quiet place where Gloria could throw together a eulogy that even when finished Gloria wasn't happy with. Alas, Lauren Baldwin said how words are strung together does not matter so long as they come from heart cold as that heart may be. Moved, Gloria crowed how grateful she is to have a family that cares unlike those snippy Abbotts.

Stranger still, over at the Sugar Shack, Yawn's granddaughter was getting ready for the funeral when Yawn's youngest son stopped by to see if Colleen Carlton needed a ride. Colleen was most gracious as her hunkmonkey, J.T. Hellstrom, was at work this fine day and couldn't stop looking for his ass long enough to take Colleen to her own granddaddy's funeral despite that J.T. had said what a great man Yawn was. Dressed for an American Idol audition, Billy Abbott said the threads were the best he could come up with on short notice. Asked if he couldn't borrow a suit from his big brother, Billy said he didn't need a suit because he wasn't going to the funeral no matter if Jack's clothes fit him which they most likely would not. Not wanting to go either, Colleen said she would to please her mother, but changed her mind.

Back at the hotel, Traci, Jack and Ashley were rehashing how things will never be the same now that Yawn is gone.

At the Chapel of the Last Goodbye, a somber Jill Abbott and Katherine Sterling held hands as they waited for the service to start. Jack, Ashley and Traci dragged themselves in and no sooner had she crossed the threshold but what Traci broke down bawling. Recovering somewhat, Traci spoke of the nice flowers which pissed Jack off as the bouquet was not the one he'd ordered. But when Ashley said the old Abbott maid PainMe Johnson and Dina Mergeron had sent the flowers Jack cooled off. Once thought to be dead Dina and PainMe expressed their regrets for not attending in person as they were too far away from Genoa City to get there in time for the funeral.

The thought of where those old women could be they couldn't show their faces when the likes of Traci and Billy had no problem coming from far away was overshadowed when Lauren suddenly recalled what a "hell raiser" Traci was when she was younger. Strange it was because as far as anyone else can recall, Traci spent most of her childhood in her room eating Bon-Bons to the point where she was but a fat pig ashamed to be seen in public. Lauren also recalled a time when Traci poured desert all over her which was probably true except for the part where Lauren said Michael should be happy he didn't know Traci "back then". Like he knows her now?

Besides the old hags, other people who couldn't make the funeral were Abby Carlton and George Kaplan. Asked why, Ashley said George, or Brad as she still knows him, told her that Abby was too "upset" to attend such a drab affair when just the other day George said Abby was handling Yawn's death better than anyone else! In lieu of a funeral, Brad, um, George will spent the day coddling Abby.

The talk of Abby, a daughter she spawned with stolen sperm, got Ashley to thinking. What if she takes Abby to the same lake where Yawn used to take her all the time? Would that lift Abby up?

Also back in good spirits, Traci informed Katherine she'll be back in Genoa City for the 4th of July. Why? Silly goose, to be with her daddy! The 4th was Yawn's favorite holiday. Doesn't everyone know? Croak, hack, cough, there was a brief setback for Traci as she lamented not spending more time with Yawn. Oh, if only she had, he might not be dead.

Looking a photos again, Jack started bawling too as the service was, um, undertaken.

Looking around the church it was clear the gang wasn't all there. No Gloria, no Kevin, no Michael or Lauren. Gosh, where could they be?

The only decent one of the bunch, Katherine went off to call Gloria. But wouldn't you know it? Damn cellphones are turned off.

The service began with Ashley puking up a storm. The dream she had of Yawn last night, the times they worked together and read and ate and showered. Oops, maybe not the shower part. But with Ashley thought to be a man you never know. Of course no funeral would have been complete with Ashley said she remembered Yawn calling her his "beauty" and he was her rock of Gibraltar. Yes, Ashley woke up for a minute thinking Yawn was alive. She felt it in her bone. A strong presence like Cassie Newman waiting to come back and roam the halls of Jabot Cosmetics late at night.

Oh my, Ashley spin was so much Jack and Ashley and Traci started bawling again.

Next up, Katherine took the pulpit to say Yawn always made her laugh. When they were but young pups her called her "Goosey" and probably for good reason based on her history of goosing old men right on the floor of her dank mausoleum.

As for Traci, she told the gathering that Yawn made her believe in herself and stop eating like a pig. Now, sob, sob, Traci doesn't know, sob, what she'll, sod, do now that the old guy is, sob, gone.

Then it was Jill's turn to tell how Billy was a "miracle" baby mostly because it was miracle Yawn could still get an erection as the age he helped spawn the girlie boy.

Lastly, Jack said he was so proud to share Yawn's name. A name that stands for "honesty and fairness, kindness and generosity" you name it, when you think of Abbott you think of the toxic swill the Abbott family has churned out for years. Yes, Jack forgot the part where Yawn got his screwing Jill. He didn't forget Yawn's last words, however. The words to the effect that Jack should be running Jabot which really, is all Jack cares about.

When the service had ended and everyone cleared out, Gloria and company arrived. Told the service was over long ago, they all looked shocked. Now who would have changed the time without informing them? Could it be - Jack?

Damn right it was Jack and Gloria figured that out. She knew she couldn't trust Jack, but dumb that she is, did anyway and look what it got her. Another stab wound deep in her hunchback.

Michael and Lauren were appalled. How could Jack stoop so low? They don't know?

They don't know Jack is the Devil in disguise? That when he says he'll "be there" for whomever the person of the week is to be there for, he really means he'll be there to watch the knife go in? Jack's own family doesn't know better than to believe Jack when he wants them to make a pact - that they'll always be together - that he's a lying sack of cow dung?

Cornered, Jack showed his true colors today when he told Gloria she's a "back alley nobody" and no longer a part of the Abbott family.

Family folks, it's all about family. And that sound? It's Yawn rolling in his grave trying to get out before the grave robbers steal his bones.

See Also: Entranced in Hate

Bury Me in the Backyard

August 21, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Now that John 'Yawn' Abbott is dead his grief stricken family just can't put him in a box or an urn and be done with it. Nosiree, they've got to fight among themselves as to whether the funeral should be public or private or whether the flowers should be red or black roses. They wasted all that time bawling as Yawn slowly died and yammered about what a family they are only to make scenes outside his hospital room door and bicker every chance they had. Bicker, bicker, bicker. It seems that's all the Abbotts have ever done or will ever do.

What I don't understand though is why have a funeral at all? Why not bury Yawn's body in the backyard like Katherine Sterling buried Phillip Chancellor? Remember that? Remember when every year Katherine and Jill Abbott would gawk out the Chancellor Mausoleum window and reminisce about Phillip? You could set your calendar by it. Then the gawking stopped. The memories of Phillip went away almost as fast as those of Arthur Hendricks.

Until they've forgotten completely about Yawn too, while his body rots in the backyard, think of the conversation piece value. Whenever the Abbott's squabble at the Abbott Hotel, which is always, they could stop, gaze into the yard and ask if that's what Yawn would have wanted. Ah, but that might be too practical.

Once the Abbott have settled their dispute over the funeral there will be the contesting of the will. And who knows what else will distract Ashley Abbott so that she won't stop to think that except for her daughter's brief appearance at the God Have Mercy Medical Center, she hasn't seen Abby Carlton. She hasn't asked Abby how her first trip to Hawaii was and Abby hasn't said, "Mommy, mommy. We had a great time but daddy Brad and step-mommy Victoria weren't there. There were these strange men following us everywhere though and I met Grammy Rebecca? Do you know I have another Grammy, Mommy?"

Nobody has yet to ask Colleen Carlton where she was for the better part of two weeks either. Couldn't be bothered to say good-bye to Yawn, Gina Roma hasn't asked why Colleen hasn't been in to work. Colleen's mother has yet to ask Colleen how she's been doing when Traci Connelly hasn't seen her daughter for more than a year and wasn't it strange, that at eighteen, Colleen had to get Jack Abbott's permission to leave the hospital with J.T. Hellstrom and if she wished, Colleen could catch up with Traci at the Abbott Hotel later.

Not so strange after all it seems. Colleen is but a baby in an adult body. We know this because she asked George Kaplan today why Yawn had to die. Let's see, little girl, why would a man in his eighties - who has had two heart attacks and two strokes - die? Why would George say, like they all say, it's time for the family to heal? These families never heal! No sooner have the scabs grown over their last insulting injury but what they aren't picking at them.

Maybe it's just me, but couldn't those quackettes at the GHM been a little more sensitive? Don't they know better than to wheel dead bodies past the family? Couldn't Phyllis Summers have picked a better day to go to the hospital to have an ultrasound performed on the baby in her belly? Why do so many doctors have their offices at the GHM? When was the last time you went to a hospital for a visit with your doctor?

And why did she need an ultrasound? Didn't Nick Newman tell Phyllis that Cassie Newman foretold that his next baby would be a girl? Guess not. But still, why didn't Phyllis know Yawn was dying there on that day? Why wasn't news of Yawn's release from prison in all the papers? Why wasn't the media camped out at the GHM awaiting word of Yawn's death?

So many questions, so many loose ends, so little time, but why would Ashley return to the Abbott home to say there's nothing to come home to anymore? She didn't say that when Yawn was in prison. She's never had a problem squatting at her faux daddy's home before, so why now? If there's nothing there, will Ashley finally get a place of her own? Will Jack Abbott?

Will Kevin Fisher get over himself? Will his mother ever shut the hell up? The little weasel at the GHM sputtering what a great man Yawn was some of the ripest swill I've ever whiffed. Besides Kevin doing his best to fry Yawn's granddaughter to a crisp, he had the audacity to tell not only Colleen, but Billy Abbott too, that they should honor the old man by leading a life of integrity!

And God did not strike Kevin dead.

As for the bitchy Gloria Fisher-Abbott, after making the decision to pull Yawn's plug, she turned right around to blame Jack and Ashley for letting the geezer die. Granted, Ashley and Jack are to blame for many things, but wasn't Ashley on Gloria's side pertaining to the plug pulling? Did Gloria forget? Does she really think, like Traci, that she can demand Yawn come back from the grave and he will?

Back to George. What an insensitive bastard! One minute he was bawling at Yawn's bedside, not being completely truthful, and the next minute he was telling Sharon Newman he doesn't want her skanky ass. Not that dumping Sharon wasn't a good thing, it was that from there George arranged for a romantic dinner with his wife - at the office!

Oh yeah, that's romantic. No wonder the women in this town can't say no to spreading their legs for George. He's so romantic! He's like Nick who said today he's willing to watch over Sharon, but he wants Phyllis to be his wife and be there for his baby and tie Phyllis' shoes when she can't see over her belly. Is Phyllis wearing sneakers? Yawn's body was still warm when George told Victoria he wants to give her a baby too. Just what they need, more babies. If Victoria agrees, if she times it just right, she and her niece, um, step-daughter, can have their babies on the same day as Colleen, within hours of her grandpa's death, was humping the hunkmonkey.

There is hope, however, that Colleen won't get pregnant. Not because she doesn't want to get a fat belly, not that she wouldn't want J.T. Hellstrom's baby, there must be something about hunkmonkey sperm. For all the babes J.T. claims to have porked, none of them has ever got pregnant. There could be a good medical reason for this. Men who wear BVDs often have low sperm counts. Endowed men often have a problem with sperm being too cold to germinate for the length it must travel. That can't be J.T.'s problem primarily because bare-chested boys are rarely endowed. Besides all that, Colleen will be attending Genoa City University this Fall and when she sees the hunky professor with the girlie name Adrian she'll probably drop J.T. like a bad habit after which she can tell dear dead Granddad all about it in the comfort of the Abbott's backyard.

And that's another thing.

Because so many people are said to have loved Yawn they'll always have an excuse for stopping by the hotel. Diane Jenkins could do that. She could bring Yawn's grandson Kyle by and when she's asked what she's doing there she can say Kyle didn't get a chance to say good-bye like the rest of the family.

Why, I bet if you ask Yawn when he comes back an angel, he'll say yeah, bury me in the backyard.

John 'Yawn' Abbott Unplugged

August 18, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Just two weeks in the grave, unable to die and just be gone, John 'Yawn' Abbott is coming back to Genoa City as a ghost! Yup, your eyes do not deceive. If it was good enough for Cassie Newman it's good enough for old man Abbott.

And what might be so urgent that Yawn couldn't wait for his raggedy old body to turn to dust? He's got to scold his son for not being so nice to his wife, Gloria! The event is scheduled for September 1 following Jack Abbott's plot to deny Gloria the right to attend Yawn's funeral.

Do you see this too? See how Jack kissed Yawn's hand and made those empty statements of commitment to family? Yes, Gloria is trailer park trash, but she didn't contest Yawn's DNR order. She let Yawn die in peace. Her reward for doing something good? Jack prevents Gloria from attending the funeral? What a black-hearted bastard!

Seems Gloria wants Yawn to have a fancy funeral because he was such a great man. So what if he killed a man in cold blood? Jack, and that cold bitch, that faux Abbott, Ashley, want something more private. They don't want anyone invited. Not even family? Gloria will get so pissed she'll threaten to kill Jack and wouldn't that be rich? Hopefully, she kill the bitch too.

There is then no reason for me to go over what happened before Yawn was unplugged because like the Energizer Bunny, he will keep going and going and... It was noteworthy though that Traci Abbott Connelly showed up at the very last moment to bawl that with Yawn dead she won't be able to live without him and for Traci to actually demand that Yawn "come back." Don't worry, Traci. You will keep living and Yawn will come back.

It was a nice of Phyllis Summers to stop by too and tell Yawn what a great "friend" Yawn was. Phyllis, Phyllis, Phyllis. Shall I play the videotape of Yawn treating you like something he dug off the shower drain?

And George Kaplan, a.k.a Brad Carlton, showing up long enough to bawl and say how Yawn gave him a head start and "trusted" him and as Yawn took his last breaths lied to the geezer by not coming clean. How touching too that Lauren Baldwin stopped in to say thanks for the memories.

But for all the people who should have been there, as I expected, Gina Roma didn't show her ugly mug nor did Mamie Johnson or Mrs. Martinez or the very creepy Christine 'Bug' Blair who got her start thanks to the old man. As for Victor Newman not being there to say good-bye to the man whose company he swiped a couple of times but later became the best of friends, the greatest man of all had an excuse. He was off on a spiritual journey where I suspect, if Victor doesn't get back soon, he may run into Yawn on life's path to 72 virgins or whatever they hope to find in the hereafter.

There is no doubt Yawn's death is a good thing, but coming back as a ghost isn't. When was the last time you saw someone who died come back as a ghost? Probably never. But then, I'd hope, you don't live in Genoa City where ghosts are becoming commonplace. I'd hope too, despite how the government wants you too, that you don't live in constant fear of the daze ahead.

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust

August 17, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

It's Thursday and the clock is ticking. Time is running out for old man John 'Yawn' Abbott and I suspect his DOD (date of death) will be August 18, 2006, or whatever day it really is according to the Genoa City calendar. And don't even ask me to speculate on TOD (time of death).

As I have all week, I was waiting for Yawn to die when they went and hooked him up to a machine despite that the guy had thought in advance to sign a DNR. But then, if they hadn't plugged him in, Yawn wouldn't be laying unconscious in a God Have Mercy Medical Center just so members of his family could be summoned from as far away as New York and Louisiana.

Still, for all my waiting, I've yet to see loyal, gave most of her life to the cleaning and raising of Yawn's adult children and preparing hearty, cholesterol-laden meals consisting of bacon and eggs and pancakes for breakfast, Mamie Johnson at Yawn's bedside. Not the Abbott home bed where Mamie once wished upon a star Yawn would put the sausage to her, the death bed Yawn now occupies.

Nor have I seen the never can have enough maids Mrs. Martinez. Where are these women? Weren't they invited to witness a death? Didn't some Abbott call them and say drop your dust brooms and get over to the hospital? That Martinez wasn't called I can understand. She didn't lust after the old man or console his troubled children. Johnson, well, that's a different story. I seem to recall more than once the Abbotts saying she was as much as part of the family as Ashley Abbott is - maybe more.

I was also wondering, since Johnson put her sister up in the Abbott home for awhile, why Olivia Winters didn't pop into the GHM to pay her respects. Weren't, or aren't, the Winters and the Abbotts tight? Didn't they get invited to Abbott Hotel to celebrate specials occasions? Wasn't Dru Winters beholden to the Abbotts for giving her a big break and a fancy job at the Abbott-owned cosmetics giant?

So where is Dru? Where is her husband? Her daughter? Wasn't Lily often at the Abbott home teaching Yawn's granddaughter Colleen the fine art of slipping out the bedroom window when Colleen had been grounded? What about Neil? Didn't he get on his knees in praise of Yawn a couple of times? Yet none of the Winters has so much as mentioned Yawn's impending death? They haven't heard Yawn got out of prison early? It wasn't in all the papers like when Yawn's heart attack made front-page headlines before he'd even arrived at the hospital?

Are Dru and Neil too busy looking for new sex partners?

We already know Neil wants to shag young Carmen Mesta and moved into the Athletic Supporter Motel to facilitate that goal. We've heard too that Dru will soon take up with some other, new, stud so as to further the endless partner swapping and if they reconcile for the third or fourth time there will be those who will ask how they can ever have sex together again knowing they've each been with other people and wouldn't that make a normal person's skin crawl and feel sticky, but c'mon! Is it too much to ask that they take five minutes to say good-bye to Yawn?

From what we've already seen, how can the Abbott's call themselves a family? What callous bitch among them, knowing that at best to keep Yawn alive means he'd be a vegetable, would consider keeping him on life support? What true family would, at this crucial time, threaten a court battle and thus air their dirty laundry in public?

"Pssst! That's Gloria Abbott. She wanted to keep her brain-dead husband on a machine until the son threatened to sue. Can you believe that bitch?" women at the beauty shop might have gossiped.

Thankfully, there won't be any court battle. Late Thursday, after bringing photographs of the family for Yawn (who can't see or speak), Gloria gave in. She's going to let the old man go in peace.

There was, however, that wretched, can't keep her mouth shut Colleen spending time with Uncle Billy at the Jitter Joint. So concerned for her grandpa, Billy so wanting to be half the man Yawn is, these twits nevertheless wasted time trashing Kevin Fisher and had the audacity, when Kevin return to check on his business, to ask him how Yawn is faring! Asswipe Billy, the only decent term I can use to describe him, had the nerve to bitch that he felt bad about not spending time with his father and not getting to speak with Yawn one last time. Gosh, Billy. If your hatred for Kevin after all these years wasn't greater than the sum of your IQ, you might have spoke with daddy had you bothered to spend more than a minute with him at the hospital. What if he wakes up and wants to speak with you? Haven't you heard? Everyone wants Yawn to wake up. Did you think he might and you won't be there?

And that ugly worm Colleen, having the gall to blame Gloria for Yawn's condition. If Yawn hadn't married Gloria there never would have been a Tom Fisher and Yawn would never have killed Tom, blah, blah. Slap this bitch! Gloria's no prize, but Colleen, oh, just whack the insidious creep already.

Whack Kevin too! Saying that Yawn has been more of a father to him than Tom was patronizing the first time around. Saying it three times was so much elephant dung. It's bad enough Yawn's biological son made such condescending statements when Jack Abbott did all he could to destroy Yawn; slept with his wife and ruined Jabot Cosmetics.

The clock is ticking. Traci Abbott Connelly can't be far away. But where's the man Yawn knew as Brad Carlton? Why isn't Brad kissing Yawn's hand for making it possible for him to be more than a hedge-clipping pool boy? Where's Gina Roma? She and Yawn were so close he let her stay at the Abbott Hotel following the fire at the RoadKill Cafe she owned. The cafe Kevin burned to the ground containing the sweet as pie Colleen and yet Yawn was more of a daddy to Kevin than Tom was? Where's Lauren Fenmore Baldwin? Wasn't it thanks to Yawn that Lauren now owns the Little Shop of Horrors? Where's the respect?

Please, Yawn. Do not open your eyes one more time. Do not give these morally bankrupt people the satisfaction. Leave this Earth now. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Whenever you end up, even if it's Hell, it has to be better than staying with the hypocritical freaks of Genoa City.

Suspected Killer Holds Life and Death Power

August 16, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Now that Nikki Newman and Gloria Abbott have submitted their prayers to God the question is: did God hear them? Will He grant their request for a miracle? Will He strike those quacks at the God Have Mercy Medical Center dead for their persistently running "tests" on patients diagnosed as having suffered two strokes? When the stroke bell has tolled more than once, when the patient in question has previously suffered two heart attacks, isn't the writing on the wall? Shouldn't the Abbotts be making funeral arrangements instead of fussing and feuding over whether to keep John 'Yawn' Abbott alive when the geezer signed a DNR order? Do they really think God will deliver another miracle when each time He does they go right back to dishonoring Him?

Where are their Bibles? Should the Abbotts and the Fishers and the Newmans be holding bedside Bible readings when they aren't hovering over Yawn? Shouldn't they have thought to call in a priest to cast the evil out of Yawn's decaying body? Is it not just tremendous heaps of casually blasphemous fun to watch, once again and for the thousandth time, that mish-mashed messed-up hodgepodgey cocktail of myths and folklore as people who never cared much for Yawn, who were nowhere to be seen the day he was leaving for prison, reminisce about better days intermixed with lovely stories of redemption and hope?

How can these people, especially that baby-killing, sperm-stealing bitch, live with themselves? How can they in good faith let Yawn go to his grave without telling him the truth about Ashley Abbott? How can a son, who slept with his father's wife right under his father's nose, redeem himself? How can Jack Abbott swear allegiance to Yawn late in the game as in his heart of hearts Jack has an ulterior motive for wanting Yawn to live? How can Jack be plotting right now to get even with his father's new wife by playing a dirty trick on Gloria Abbott? Not that Gloria shouldn't pay for her sins, she should, just like her son Kevin Fisher should and Ashley should.

And Colleen Carlton should be made to scrub Satan's ass for not being at her grandfather's side during these, Yawn's final days. Colleen, her sole purpose for returning to Genoa City to be with her granddaddy before he went to prison, hasn't spent more than two hours with the old fart. She's got a great excuse this time, but with Uncle Billy Abbott back in town, with Billy once so worried about Colleen he warned Kevin and drug dealer 'Troy' to stay away from her, why hasn't Billy noticed Colleen's not around and asked someone why?

With Jill Abbott recalling better days with Yawn too, why hasn't she summoned her grandson Phillip Chancellor to say good-bye to his step-granddaddy? Hasn't everyone been saying how important family is? What of Abby Carlton? Shouldn't she be on hand to witness this death? Well, yes, she should and she was.

Within minutes of returning from Hawaii, despite the homecoming and jet lag, damn but what Abby and Colleen were whisked to the GHM to pay tribute to grandpa Yawn. Other than not knowing the difference between being semi-comatose and being asleep, Abby didn't stay long when she heard Uncle Billy was out in the waiting room. It didn't matter that Abby doesn't know Billy from Adam, she had to bond with him.

Colleen on the other hand, bawled she'll never forget what Yawn taught her, like how to sneak out of her room to see a hunkmonkey when she'd been told she was grounded.

And then it was she/man Ashley's turn again to bawl as she thanked Yawn for not only being her pretend daddy, but her pretend mommy too!

What I'd really like to know though, maybe you would too, is how many people have to tell these people there's no hope for Yawn? Christ! The quack told them, except for Gloria they'd pretty much accepted it, and then a nurse had to tell them too and then Ashley changed her mind about pulling Yawn's plug. Yup, nothing like having a human vegetable in the next room, I guess. Maybe they can sell tickets.

Oh, but the best was yet to come. While Yawn signed a DNR, one of the quacks told Gloria she holds the power! She gets to decide who lives and who dies. And what of the DNR? It is apparently meaningless. Screw what your last dying wish may be, even if you put it in writing, some hack, some right-to-lifer can come along and overrule your decision. Thank God, while I suspect the last thing Jack wants is for Yawn to die until he can get his hooks back into Jabot, Jack did the right thing when he indicated he'll haul Gloria's lard ass into court if that's what it takes to get the plug pulled. While everybody is praying, they better pray Gloria doesn't have Senator Frist in her back pocket. The cat-killing First has been known to promote legislation decreeing who can and can't die.

God Asked to Help Evildoers!

August 15, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

There they go. Some of the most blatant breakers of just about every commandment God ever laid out were off to the God Have Mercy Medical Center Chapel to pray for - you guessed it - a miracle!

Please God, we know we're Satan's helpers 350 days of the year, but on the other two we are your humble servants and being this is one of those days we'd like to ask a favor. Could you keep old man Abbott alive? If you do we promise no more bitching and moaning over who has the right to end life or when life begins. We can't promise to stop lying and cheating and stealing and everything you are opposed to, but please? Pretty please? With sugar on top? Can you keep that old bastard, I mean, that harmless and kind and gentle man alive? C'mon God, we know you can do it, if you want to. We know you screwed us over by letting Cassie Newman die, but you did make her an angel so we cut you some slack.

Look, God. Look at Gloria Abbott. Sure, she killed a woman with tainted cosmetics goop our company mass markets, she drugged that Alex kid and had him beat up, but God, Gloria is trying to stay positive. She's fighting to keep the man on a ventilator. Isn't that nice, God? Did you see too that Billy Abbott came all the way back from Louisiana to beg John to "wake up?" C'mon, God. Billy's just a kid. He doesn't know that being unconscious and having a machine breathe for you is not the same as sleeping.

Are you listening to me God! Wake the hell up! Do you have any idea who I am? Let's see some action. I'm goddamn sick and tired of hearing how you do all these good things when all I see is death and destruction and those Jesus freaks out in the street keep saying your son is coming back. Bull crap! Oh, sorry, got carried away. Where was I? Oh, about John. Listen God, what did John ever do that was so wrong. Why take him now? You don't need him - do you? Isn't Tom Fisher working out? What? He went to Hell? What about that woman Gloria killed? I hear two Nazis might be available if my son has anything to say about it.

What? Hey, you wouldn't be trying to get even with Jack Abbott would you? What did Jack ever do to you? Have you seen Jack lately? He's in his father's hospital room right now kissing John's hand. I mean, God. Say, you wouldn't be waiting for those quacks to run more tests are you? What if we light a candle - or three? I know, I'm not Catholic, or am I? Don't Catholics have more pull with you than those common Methodists? What if I bring a Jew in here to pray? Would that get me some action? Not that kind of action, silly. I might have almost married a Jew once. Would that help, or do you want the real deal. My friend, Gloria, might be Jewish. Well, she's not really my friend, but I could pretend she is until that bitch crosses me or someone I love. Why you acting so surprised, God? That I can love? Listen, I've loved so many men their names won't fit on those slabs Noah brought down from the mountain. That was Noah, wasn't it? Or is that my grandson? Damn it, God. While your saving John, please save my entire family. Yes, they've put their meaningless lives at risk again and if you save them this will make something like nine thousand times you've come through, but, you know God, we ain't ordinary people.

So, how 'bout it? A miracle if you please and I mean a real one. John ain't gonna do anyone any good as an angel. If you've noticed, there's no room at the Jitter Joint for another shrine. If you've noticed too, while Cassie is supposed to be watching over us, I haven't seen hide nor hare of her since she told my son it was okay to have Phyllis Summers' baby out of wedlock. Now get off your ass and get me a miracle!

Night of the Living Dead

August 14, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Which is silliest? The blitzkrieg, where Nazis and make-believe PIs and corporate whores beam back and forth between Genoa City and Ohio, or the death of John 'Yawn' Abbott?

I can't tell.

I can't understand why Yawn isn't already dead. He had a "minor" stroke which got him out of prison and into the God Have Mercy Medical Center and a few hours later had a "massive" stroke and he's still alive? The geezer must have nine lives. Yawn also has a family out in the waiting room wringing its hands and wondering what had happened to cause them to be chased out of the death chamber and not one of the quacks working on Yawn had the courtesy to tell them afterwards? Yawn's wife had to flag one down in order to get an update?

Did the quack really say he was "sorry" Yawn had a stroke? What's to be sorry about? I'm no doctor, but I must take exception with the quack's explanation that Yawn suffered swelling that put pressure on his lungs and that caused him to go into "cardiac arrest". Doesn't cardiac arrest mean heart attack? So which is it? Did Yawn have a stroke - or a heart attack - or both - and why is he still alive? Because they "saved" him and put him on a machine? Is that the same as being alive?

Worse yet, Yawn is still bleeding out! That's what the quack said before getting paged and leaving Gloria Abbott standing there while he went off to check on another patient. Talk about bedside manner, how rude and uncaring was that?

And how convenient that Yawn thought to have a Do Not Resuscitate order drawn up prior to his death and his wife and family didn't know? Oh yes, word of the DNR slipped out while Gloria and Jack and Ashley Abbott were hovering over Yawn's death bed again talking to him. Never mind the old fart was unconscious, they were sure Yawn could hear them, that he'd get better and be back home in time for a nice bacon and eggs breakfast if only they remain "brave".

Braveheart that she is, Jill Abbott showed up too to ask what had happened.

What happened? Was Jill driving by the GHM, see all the Abbott family cars parked outside and think she'd drop in to see what was shaking? Did she not get a call about Yawn's situation? Did she not ask, or the person calling, not say Yawn is in the hospital? Was she not there earlier and knew the odds of anyone admitted to GHM as many times as Yawn has are not good?

And what was up with Kevin Fisher having to call his brother with the news? Why didn't Gloria call Michael Baldwin when she was calling Kevin?

What made Jack think to call Traci Abbott Connelly and not Traci's daughter? Wasn't the whole point of Colleen Carlton's most recent return to Genoa City was that she was so concerned her grandfather might be going to prison? Did Traci bother to ask if her daughter was there or was she in such a rush to catch the next flight to Genoa City?

Ashley had the good sense to call Colleen and her former husband, but when she got the recorder didn't leave a message because she didn't want them to "find out this way"?

What way then? What the hell is the difference between leaving a message saying the old man is in the hospital again and please get your ass over here pronto and saying the same thing in person? Because Colleen and George Kaplan are busy dealing with, or hiding from, the Nazis? Then, on top of her stupidity, Ashley broke down bawling that her daughter Abby and Colleen so love their grandpa? Ah, but that wasn't the dumbest thing. Why, when Ashley called George and he didn't answer didn't she call the Hawaiian Hilton? Wouldn't a mother, such that Ashley claims to be, be wondering about now why she hasn't heard from Abby - or George? Wouldn't she have asked what hotel he's staying at?

I say again, kill Ashley, plus the old hag Katherine Sterling. Katherine for bawling on, and talking to, the unconscious Yawn about the good times they shared. A little late, aren't you Katherine? Where were you when Yawn was on his way to prison? Why did you never once visit him? Your snot-dripping nose is less than disingenuous.

Oh, wait! Was that Jack and Ashley passing by the death chamber? Where could they be going? To see a quackette? Sure enough, the kids got to thinking that if Yawn makes it what will life have to offer him? Will he live in a shoe? Will he sit around the house all day drooling in a cup much like Katherine did before she miraculously snapped out of her funk a few years ago? Only one way to find out, ask a friggin' nurse to speculate on Yawn's condition before he's even recovered.

Oh, God, now Gloria's in the chamber and the hag is saying how "impressed" she is with the way Gloria is handling things. What the hell? Didn't the quacks tell Gloria not to upset Yawn and the first thing she did was to start bawling before Yawn went code blue? That was impressive? That was reason for Gloria to respond that she didn't marry Yawn for his money like everyone thought she did? This so further impressed Katherine that she said she wants to be Gloria's friend? Katherine must be hard up. She must be tired of having to crank up the Magic Hitachi.

Look! There's Ashley passing by again. She's sitting next to Kevin and flapping her jaws. What could she be saying? That Kevin could have gone with the family to visit Yawn in prison? Well then, why did she never invite him to go with her? Why doesn't she know that Kevin went to see Yawn all by his lonesome? Moreover, why did Kevin say he didn't want to see Yawn "like that"? Like what? Did Kevin forget going to the prison? Or was it another plot device devised to make Kevin appear as the loving step-son? That might explain why Kevin said he got more love from Yawn then he ever got from his own daddy, Tom Fisher. Yikes! Love? From Yawn? Just what happened during Kevin's one visit with Yawn that would make him say that?

And wasn't Kevin and Ashley hugging rich? Tell us, Kevin, are those breasts real? Are they cancerous? Is Ashley really a she/man?

Here comes Jill again. She's telling Yawn that their son Billy is coming home. Remember Billy? Remember when he was a baby and they fought tooth and nail and how Yawn took her in when she had nothing and she swindled him out of 20% of Jabot Cosmetics? Remember when she slept with his son and how they hated each other so? Yeah, now Jill is saying how "proud" she was to be his wife and even more proud now to be his friend and hoping to hell Yawn leaves something in his will for her.

Puke, puke, puke. The phony baloney is getting so high these creepy bitches and bastards will have to put on their combat boots. Not convinced? Here comes the quack to report that Yawn is responding to the pain medication. He is? How would they know? Isn't Yawn unconscious? Do his brave waves indicate this? What's that? It's only part of "a much bigger picture"? Like Night of the Living Dead? You mean Yawn is still bleeding in the brain and that he signed a DNR so that's why he's on a machine? Oh, DNR only in the event Yawn has another cardiac arrest. Well, that explains that.

What's a DNR? Gloria doesn't know but she does know Yawn would never sign such a thing. Do the kids know? Nope. Jack and Ashley don't, but they do know that's the kind of guy Yawn is. He wouldn't want to be a vegetable and inconvenience his family especially his "beauty". God forbid Ashley, Jack and Jill or Gloria and Kevin have to take turns changing Yawn's bed pan which is exactly what Gloria will be faced with should she prolong his death by contesting the DNR order.

No Time For Praying

August 11, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

There were no new development in the Rise and Fall of the 3rd Reich today so, unlike Rebecca Kaplan, if that's her real name, I am forced to relive John 'Yawn' Abbott's death.

I knew they couldn't just let the old fart die in his sleep or something and be done with it. There had to be all the what's happening, what aren't they telling us, why does he look that way, we're gonna bawl and wring our hands and ask what will become of us if the geezer dies bullcrap.

I knew too that when the prison warden personally called the Abbott home to inform them that Yawn had been taken to the God Have Mercy Medical Center things were going downhill fast.

And sure enough, the moment Jack and Ashley and Gloria Abbott arrived at the GHM damn but what they didn't start arguing. Doesn't matter what they argued about, they should have just sat their asses down and waited like everyone else. Oh, I guess because she didn't give much of a rip when Yawn went to prison, Katherine Sterling had to make an appearance too. Come to think of it, that might not have been such a bad thing as maybe she'll get a taste of death. She's been knocking on Death's door longer than Yawn.

Did I mention there was lots of worry? Not five minutes into this medical trauma Ashley was whining that her daddy may have been assaulted by prison inmates because they found out Yawn was being released early! Oh please, just kill this bitch now. What a selfish, ignorant thing to say. What a repulsive woman Ashley has always been, if she is a woman under that dress, and to the very end had the audacity to call Yawn her daddy.

Quiet please. Here comes a quack with the first prognosis. Yawn can't see too good. Dr. Quackinstein ain't too sure about sending him to an eye doctor until more tests have been run and that medical bill the Abbotts will never see padded higher than a triple-decker Sealy. Oh yeah, it looks like the old coot had a mild stroke, but if you folks want to go visit, be my guest.

Whisper, whisper, cackle, cackle could be heard from Ashley and Gloria as the quack waddled off. What weren't they being told? Why are there all these conspiracy theories? Gosh, you think they'll send Yawn back to prison before Gloria gets a chance to talk to him? Do cats have fleas? Has there ever been a situation where anyone escaped the GHM without having family members drool and bawl all over them?

Quiet please, Dr. Quackenstein has another update.

My, my, Yawn is doing better! Imagine that? Did the lab tests come back already? Is Gloria still worried she won't get to see Yawn? Hell, she was the first one in the door of room 322 - the death chamber. But she didn't get in without a struggle. Gloria had to argue with Jack first.

Oh my, here comes Kevin Fisher. Good thing he wrapped up that Alex the boogeyman case otherwise how else would he have torn himself away from the Jitter Joint? Forget that he's spent all but an hour at his plush new Jabot Cosmetics job.

And who should be first to tell Kevin what's wrong with his dear old step-daddy? Katherine! And, having suffered a stroke, what would Kevin ask first? "Is he going to be okay?"

No, you fool. He had a friggin' stroke. He's had at least two heart attacks and stabbed himself with a letter opener, what do you think Kevin, will he be okay? Is Yawn like 100 years ago? He's gonna die you moron!

Chirp, chirp. Yikes! There's little bird Ashley now squawking that the doctors are "optimistic" when just moments before she though the quacks weren't giving her the full story. Jesus! Just once it would be nice if these people could pick a demeanor and stick with it.

Sputter, sputter. There's Jack bad mouthing Gloria and Kevin don't like it. Whatcha' gonna do, Kevin? Sic that she-beast Jana on him like you did Alex? Such a pussy Kevin is.

Oops, here comes Gloria now to say Yawn is fine. Jack recoils. Fine? What chew mean fine?

Well, let's see Jack. What could it mean? That the old man was sitting up in bed and making jokes? Do you know something we don't, Jackie honey? Instead of running your mouth, why not go see for yourself? Remember now, only one visitor in the room at a time - for now. When Yawn gets critical then you all can hover - 'kay?

Oh, and Jack, haven't you heard? Didn't you shake Michael Baldwin's hand and thank him for having the governor commute Yawn's sentence? So why in the hell did you tell Yawn you're going to make sure he gets out of prison? Doesn't Yawn know? Weren't they all happy about this the day before or have I been inhaling too much ether?

Oops - is that a heart monitor making a high-pitched sound? Yawn just asked for the window to be opened. What in God's name could it mean?

CODE BLUE - CODE BLUE - SHIP SINKING - EVERYBODY OUT!

Sputter, mumble, grumble. Jack's pissed. Bastards kicked him out of Yawn's room just when things were getting good.

Shush, here's Kevin asking Jack the question of the day: "What's wrong?"

What's wrong? What do you think is wrong, fool! Yawn has to stay alive long enough for Katherine to appoint him head of Jabot. You see all those quacks and quackettes running into Yawn's room? You think the nurse needed help opening the window? Never mind, Kevin. Since Jack was just told to leave the room why don't you go rushing back to the room with him anyway and see what's wrong for yourself. Whatever it is, it can't be good. Damn, you think there's time to pray?

Another One Bites the Dust

August 10, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Oh, my freaking God, John 'Yawn' Abbott, sentenced to seven years in prison will be released after less than a year served? Where is the justice in that? What was the point? What is the message? That you can kill someone, confess to the crime, and because you were so nice to come forward and save the State the cost of a jury trial be rewarded with early release? That's the word on the street today as the Abbotts learn that the old man may get sprung.

Maybe you are shaking your head in disbelief. Maybe you can't process it at all, but you must admit, it brings a up number of powerful and deeply revealing notions of just who the Abbotts think they are. They are rich powerful and while she wasn't around to hold Yawn's hand as he was led off to prison, Katherine Sterling is prepared to reinstate Yawn as head of Jabot Cosmetics. When and if that happens, it will pave the way for Jack Abbott to takeover when the geezer dies - and he will die - and then the Abbotts will crow and say how nobody can keep an Abbott down, blah, blah.

Yawn, with one foot in the grave following at least two heart attacks, is apparently not doing well in a prison setting and thus, apparently to save taxpayers the cost of caring for the old goat, when Yawn has "a minor stroke" he'll be "excused" from prison like some poor sap is excused from jury duty. Happy to have Yawn home, the family will sputter how nice it was of the governor to kick Yawn out because he was "sick", but later Yawn will have a massive stroke and rushed to the God Have Mercy Medical Center will die without Dr. Olivia Winters being within a mile of the place.

Yawn's death will also set the stage for the return of his biological daughter Traci Abbott Carlton Connelly who too couldn't be bothered to visit him in prison and for son Billy Abbott to depart Louisiana, or wherever he was last seen, to pay his respects and take up permanent residence in Genoa City when all throughout Yawn's Tom Fisher ordeal, Billy couldn't get off his ass to comfort his daddy or visit him in prison and the one letter he did write had to be delivered via his mother, Jill Abbott.

The only sad thing about Yawn's death is that he'll go to his grave not knowing that Ashley Abbott is not his biological daughter. On his death bed, Yawn will reportedly tell Ashley how much he loves her and she, bitch that she is, will let him die without telling the truth. It may be presumed too that while he appears to be wrought with sadness, Jack will be praying to Satan. The sooner Yawn dies, the sooner Jack can return to power and Yawn's wife, Gloria, can propose yet another toxic cosmetic chemical for the Jabot line.

No ordinary demise, before he kicks, something like fifteen people will hover over Yawn's death bed saying their good-byes. Exactly who these people are will be interesting as I'm going out on a limb and say that of all the people who should be there, Mamie Johnson won't be one of them. While I'm out here with the squirrels, let me say Mrs. Martinez, the other maid, won't be there either. The words tar baby wouldn't have anything to do with it - would it? [Last thought injected merely for those who think I'm a racist.]

Let me go further by picking apart something Yawn's portrayer, Jerry Douglas, had to say on the topic. Asked if he was upset that Yawn is being killed off, Douglas said that once Yawn was sent to prison the writing was on the wall.

"You can't sentence him to seven years and then just get him out in three or six months."

Douglas added that doing so, for example Yawn getting pardoned by the governor, would be "predictable" and that Y&R's new scribe is anything but predicable.

Yet, predictably, Yawn is let out of prison because he's sick?

Moreover, the return of Yawn as a ghost, much like Cassie Newman, wouldn't be predicable either, right?

Douglas says, "There are a lot of rumors about things like that. I'm not sure what they're going to do with me in the future."

Whatever it is, it won't be predictable.

Killer Expects to be Free in Time to Raise Grandchild

June 5, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Are you amazed? I'm amazed. I shouldn't be, but I am. Just one day in solitary confinement for Walrus State Prison inmate John 'Yawn' Abbott? That must be some country club up the river in upstate Wisconsin. Near as I figure it, Yawn spent most of his time in solitary at the God Have Mercy Medical Center in Genoa City undergoing tests. Tests so advanced they couldn't be performed at the prison hospital because the hospital there is so 18th century.

Not only that, the moment Yawn arrived back at the prison, at taxpayer expense I might add, damn but what he wasn't tossed in with the general population. Guess he's not a danger to other inmates after all. It was, as we've since learned, a mere problem with taking too many drugs. That's what happens with old people. They take so many drugs they're like a walking pharmacy. That's if they can afford such luxury. Better yet, Yawn can have visitors again and damn but what they weren't already flooding the prison's visiting hole.

Let's review. Inmate goes berserk. Inmate throws food trays at guard. Inmate gets combative. Inmate is sent to solitary and hours later to a private hospital then hours later is back at the prison with full privileges restored? The keepers must have felt sorry for the old geezer. Either that or they didn't want word getting around that Yawn's bug-eyed wife is a force to be reckoned with. Word like that gets around you know.

Word of Gloria Abbott's private meeting with the warden reached the deepest bowel of the prison even before Gloria had left. The inmates were snickering and thinking to themselves, gosh, why don't we get ourselves a bug-eyed woman like that too? We can throw fits and get taken to private hospitals in nice prison vans and stop along the way at Burger Slug, maybe even stop by the Jitter Joint in Genoa City for a double soy mocha half-caf latte while we're at it. The Warden and his staff won't dare say a word because they are such spineless weasels. And if they should, we'll just get ourselves a fancy doctor and have him say the prison hospital staff didn't treat us right and then have our bug-eyed woman threaten to file a law suit.

That's what Gloria did. She called the prison doctor "irresponsible" and said she's a good mind to sue. What do they think they're running up there at the WSP - a prison? That may be, but Gloria, the rich and well-connected, aren't accustomed to going to prison for their crimes. When caught, they expect slaps on the wrist or at worst, a 90-day sentence at some country club with cable-TV and HBO.

Oh, and then there's Son of Geezer, Jack Abbott told Gloria he doesn't want her making Yawn's life "any harder" than it already is. Poor baby. John's got it so hard. If only he could say that about his penis. If only Yawn were home where he belongs Gloria might not be so happy when she finds out what all those meds really do to him.

I guess that's why Gloria had to go all the way back to the prison - again. Look, WPS isn't across the street, but you'd never know it the way these people come and go like it is. WPS has got to be a good hour away. That's two hours round trip. All that $3 gas, do these rich bastards care about conserving? Hell no! That's why they're rich. I bet Yawn has already cashed in on Bush's $41,000 tax rebate. The average Joe will only get $7, but the rich? They're swimming in dough - and misery.

On the other hand it was a good thing Gloria did make the trek to WPS. If she hadn't we might never know why Yawn got into a fight. Have your heard? No? Brace yourself.

Some other inmate changed the TV channel!

What? You mean Yawn doesn't have cable in his pod? Isn't he a celebrity like OJ was? Didn't OJ have cable. Bet your ass he did. As for word getting around that Yawn has a woman on the outside looking out for him and one not to be messed with, Yawn said it's true!

"The whole prison knows that you took on the warden," Yawn actually said, as Gloria gave him the good news that they're going to be grandparents! Oh my, yes. Yawn was pleased. It wasn't so long ago he couldn't stand Michael Baldwin or that firebug brother of Baldwin's, but snap your fingers, say abracadabra, and Yawn forgets all about that. Who said his memory will be fine? The old fart is so sure his position and power and money will get him out of prison before he's served more than a year of his sentence, Yawn told Gloria he'll be home in time to play grandpa to Baldwin's baby in no time. "Just you wait and see."

Yeah, just what Mrs. Baldwin's baby, if it lives, needs most: an ex-con for a grandfather.

The Long Black Veil

June 2, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

You know what happens when prison inmates get into fights? They get their ass tossed into solitary! So when I heard members of the Abbott family freaking out over the news that Walrus State Prison inmate John 'Yawn' Abbott got into "another" fight - on top of all the other fits he's been throwing in a ruse to convince authorities that overnight he turned into a full-blown nutjob - I had to laugh.

It's laughable because in the real world, if WSP was Oz, Yawn would be dead. Inmates don't tolerate their fellow brethren who keep getting into scuffles. That Yawn is an old geezer doesn't matter. The older they are, the quicker they die. If Yawn tangled with a man half his age it's hard to imagine he's still alive. WPS is not Genoa City where Yawn can go around punching out the likes of Victor Newman and live to tell about it. Prison is not a place where men like Yawn are seen as father figures. Sugar daddies, maybe, but even Yawn's money won't buy him a lover/protector when he's lashing out at everyone as he reportedly is. Still, you gotta wonder why Yawn got a black eye out of the deal. Looking too long at the meat in the shower?

So then, if Yawn had his privileges taken away and if he's been fighting since he's most likely sitting naked in solitary if for no other reason than his own safety - right? Right, or at least that's what the private doctor the Abbotts hired to examine Yawn said today. But then, no sooner had Dr. Campbell paid yet another personal house call to the Abbott Hotel to confirm that Yawn is in solitary but what the Abbotts and Campbell started talking as though Yawn had been transferred back to Genoa City and into the God Have Mercy Medical Center.

There was all this talk about CT scans and MRIs as if the Abbotts had never heard of such modern medicine. Jack Abbott snickered about "Attila the Warden" and eluded to the prison as having eighteen century medical equipment even though the warden has, apparently, given them permission to have Yawn examined at GHM like it has better equipment when it, and its team of quacks, couldn't save Cassie Newman.

As for Jack's hinting that the doctor might have his palms greased with some cold cash if he pulls strings to get Yawn out of prison, the doctor said he's a professional and must at all times be "objective." Picking up the phone, Jack called the prison, got straight through to the assistant warden and horror of horrors, learned Yawn has been in another fight which he initiated. Yawn's confidante, firebug Kevin Fisher was aghast. Did the old man get hurt? Kevin's mother, Gloria was equally stunned. Her sweet, decrepit husband would never start a fight. Jack agreed, conveniently forgetting that twice in recent memory Yawn has used physical violence not counting his murdering Tom Fisher in cold blood.

Now maybe I lost something in the translation, but I swear the next words out of Jack's lying mouth were that Yawn is at the GHM? How could that be when seconds ago the doctor had said Yawn was in solitary? You figure it out. Ah hell, I'll give you a clue. Yawn probably got to Genoa City the same way Brad Carlton showed up in New York City at the exact same hotel where Sharon Newman is staying. What were the odds?

One thing is for sure, as Gloria said, it's all a "nightmare." Everything is a nightmare with these people. If it's not the nightmare of Yawn falling down the stairs and stabbing himself with a letter opener, if it's not the ensuing nightmare when the entire Abbott clan got mixed up in what led to Tom Fisher's death, if it's not the financially troubled Abbott-owned Jabot Cosmetics, it's the nightmare of Yawn being in prison.

And if those nightmares aren't good enough it's that Jack, with all his direct lines into the prison, had to call the creepy Christine 'Bug' Blair, the divorce/legal aid lawyer, to ask that she "find out what she can" about Yawn's situation. Yes, it's tragically hilarious that Gloria would say too that Yawn is a "bright, witty, intelligent man".

I mean, Jesus on a pogo stick! He's a freaking old man. He's 80-something years old. He should be in a nursing home. This is not some eighteen year old with uncontrollable zits. Stop treating the man like a baby!

"It so damn cruel! Unfair and tragic!" Gloria yelped, as Jack mused, "You really love him, don't you?"

No, you dumb cracker. She hates him. That's why she's worried half to death and just got your sorry ass kicked out of two companies where you were playing CEO. Did you forget about those minor things, Jackie?

As it turns out, Yawn was at the GHM. Dr. Campbell went all the way to the hospital, had a look see, then went all the freaking way back to the hotel to report that Yawn has a black eye! Jesus! He's lucky he doesn't have a shank buried in his butt. Funny thing, Campbell got Yawn's test results via the telephone but couldn't call the Abbotts. He did tell them though there isn't much wrong with Yawn. A bad reaction from all the dope Yawn is, um, jacked up on is all. A simple adjustment of the meds and Yawn should be okay.

Good news - right?

Wrong.

That Yawn is okay only pissed Gloria off. If there's nothing wrong with Yawn his ass will be back in prison where he rightfully belongs and that will leave Gloria to walk the streets of Genoa City in a long black veil. She not only doesn't have the prized Jabot in her possession, she doesn't have her man to share it with either.

Prison Break Feared after Warden Submits to Gossip Queen Threat!

May 30, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Someone asked how it's possible for prison inmate John 'Yawn' Abbott to have so many visitors parading into the Walrus State Prison as they have during the past few days, or should that be daze, and how the prison got its name. The name is a variant taken from the Law Offices of Walrus & Walrus where Christine 'Bug' Blair got her first job as a lawyer after receiving a 4-year law degree in less than a year from the Sears School of Law. The geezers said to be running the prestigious law firm, based on their descriptions as put forth by attorney Michael Baldwin who worked at the firm too, conjured up a vision of two walrus singing the Beatles tune, I am the Walrus.

That Baldwin and Nick Newman spent time at the same prison, where Larry 'Wartman' Warton was incarcerated too, and that Victor Newman could just wander into the Warden's office wherever he pleased to demand the warden let him roam the cell block where his son was being taunted by the wartman, also projected an image of the warden as a fat walrus, who like everyone else, was scared of Victor. As everyone knows, Victor kicked the wartman's ass, was instrumental in getting Nick released and later befriended the wartman when he and Larry took down the Frito Banditos.

Strange as it may be, the name Walrus State Prison stuck and as we've seen, the walrus running pen are a docile lot. They allow bug-eyed visitors like Gloria Abbott to demand of them what they've done with such and such prisoner. In Abbott's case, they took away her husband's privileges this week without consulting with her, or any member of inmate Abbott's entourage, and when the family showed up on Tuesday without calling ahead to be sure the prison wasn't in lockdown, or something, had apparently moved Yawn as Gloria belched, "What have you done with my husband!"

In a way, watching Gloria, or her step-children for that matter, order the walrus around is laughable when you consider that she, indirectly if not directly, is responsible for Emma Gibson's death and that's without considering a litany of other crimes she could be charged with. While there's no evidence, Jack Abbott could probably be charged with attempting to bribe a congressman when he recently sought a political favor that would keep Yawn out of prison and, in fact, conspired with his sister to have Yawn smuggled out of Wisconsin to Ireland. Jack wasn't heard actually bribing the politician, but it's a good bet he did.

Ashley Abbott is no saint either. Her biggest crime of stealing a man's sperm has been overlooked not to mention the death of two babies, one by abortion, and conspiring with Baldwin to plant Meth on evildoer Tom Fisher.

Before I knew exactly what would transpire at the prison today, I knew it would be bizarre, but I didn't know how bizarre. It all started when a doctor Campbell showed up at the Abbott Hotel within moments of being summoned by Gloria, who the doctor said, "sounded upset" on the phone. And for that reason alone, Campbell dropped what he was doing when what he was told could have been said over the phone unless, as many Americans are these days, they didn't want the government listening in on their call. Which, come to think of it, is the perfect excuse now whenever these people ask how high when the Newmans or the Abbotts tell them to jump.

Not that it matters what Dr. Campbell's specialty is, Gloria wants him to examine Yawn at the prison despite the fact that two lawyers have said, correctly, that inmates cannot be seen by their personal physicians. Regardless of prison rules nationwide, Campbell, based on what he was told second hand, declared Yawn's mental state an "emergency" and announced he would be going to the prison within the hour. This, following a call from the warden to the doctor at the hotel! As it turns out it was a wise decision by the warden. Forget the red tape and forms to fill out, Campbell will have unfettered access to Yawn.

It's what happened earlier that blew my mind. At a moment's notice Jack and Gloria were able to get an appointment with the warden. They drove all the way to the prison as though it was just across the street and when they got there fully expected Yawn to sit in on the meeting like some board meeting at Jabot Cosmetics. Unfortunately, "Prisoner Abbott" had been a bad boy and had his toys taken away after throwing a fit in the mess hall during which Yawn threw his breakfast tray at a guard. Gloria was beside herself. Yawn, her sweet, sweet innocent and loving husband, would never do such a thing.

"My husband isn't a violent person," Gloria actually said, when it's she claiming Yawn isn't himself these days. It took the warden to remind her that Yawn is in prison for killing a man to which Gloria gave the warden the "self-defense" finger.

Pressing onward, Jack told the warden that Dr. Campbell wants to test Yawn and was immediately shut down. The Abbotts may be big shots on the outside, but inside prison walls Yawn is just a number. After some bellyaching, the warden agreed provided Campbell fill out the required paperwork which must be approved by prison doctors.

That's when Gloria threatened to sic the gossip queen of access cable television, Leanna Love on him! God did not strike Gloria dead and the warden didn't roll on the floor while laughing his ass off or ask who the crazy one is here. Yawn or Gloria? Leanna Love? The nobody? The one-book author who exposed Victor Newman way back when? Has Gloria not noticed how much impact Love's book 'Ruthless' didn't have on Victor? The great man is so powerful today he's giving away jet planes! No joke. As a bone, a little something to keep loyal employee Neil Winters in line, Victor gave Neil the Newman jet today.

Gloria told the warden she's sure Love would want a juicy story about him. She said the warden's name will be in on the papers. How dare he following prison policy? Gloria will teach the bastard to mess with her. At first, the warden wasn't exactly shaking in his boots, but somewhere along the line someone got to him as we learned later when, again instead of calling, Dr. Campbell returned to the hotel to tell the Abbotts he'll be seeing Yawn in apply blossom time. The only caveat? The doctor must examine Yawn outside the confines of prison!

Do the Crime? Do the Time!

May 29, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Where there's a Will Bardwell, there's a way to get old man John 'Yawn' Abbott out of prison. That's what Ashley Abbott is hoping. But for the life of me I can't understand why the geezer would want out of the Walrus State Prison unless he plans to go on the road to track down Dina Mergeron, his first wife. Not that it would be an easy task for Yawn to accomplish, Dina is dead. I do have a suggestion for Yawn, however. Get your old bones out of the slammer, get back to Genoa City, late one night go over to Newman Enterprises and wait by the elevator. If you do this on a night when the planets are aligned just right you'll most likely hear the sounds of a music box followed by a flash of light and then - if the gods don't have their wires crossed and Cassie Newman appears by accident - Dina will float down from the heavens! What? Don't believe me? Ask Nick Newman.

You gotta admit though, Yawn pulling this I-can't-remember stunt might just work. He's got the old age, the frail bones, the bad heart, and the good sense to know that Brent Davis did more when he was alive than give golf lessons. If Yawn's memory wasn't so well in tact how on earth would he be able to dredge up these names from the past? Is it an omen? A sign that before he dies Yawn will find out that Brent is Ashley's real father? What other reason could there be for Yawn to say it's "important" Dina be located?

What will the medical experts say about a man with such memory recall to members of the Abbott family who think Yawn is off his rocker? What will doctors say when Ashley whines for the millionth time that Yawn is "starting to lose his mind"? That maybe she's the one who desperately needs a mental health evaluation? Who, in their right mind, goes around talking about getting a killer, having served but a few weeks of his sentence, out early? What sane person would think the sentencing judge can step back in to change the sentence? Ashley might want to take a tip from her step-mother and look it up on the Internet. Only the Governor of Wisconsin - can save Yawn's ass now. No Parole Board will so much as look at Yawn's case at this stage regardless of Yawn's medical condition, if that is, he has one.

For the sake of argument, what has Yawn forgotten? That his bug-eyed wife and inept kids keep hammering him with repeated visits? That's the freaking problem here. Keep Gloria and the kids away from Yawn and he'll be just fine. So what if Yawn is displaying signs of Alhemizer's again? Doesn't everyone past age 50? Does that Yawn may have a medical problem automatically mean he gets out of prison? A transfer to the psycho ward, maybe. Surely other inmates have similar problems but they're still locked up. Who does Yawn think he is - Ken Lay? Elite and special and powerful like Victor Newman so much so that if he promises to build a wreck center the State will set his ass free?

Ashley is pressing hard to find someone she can payoff in exchange for Yawn's freedom. She'll do anything even if it means screwing Bardwell, although it looks like she may have to give it away because as District Attorney, Bardwell said today there aren't many strings he can pull. The aroma of Ashley's honey pot did get his juices flowing, however, as Bardwell said he'll talk to one of his pals on the Parole Board about Yawn.

So, once again, in Genoa City, the message is the same as always. Don't worry about breaking the law. Laws are for the little people, the pawns and peons who can't afford fancy attorneys, who don't have low friends in high places who will, if necessary, trample on the Constitution if it means preventing their corrupt friends from going to, or getting out of, prison.

It's the ultimate Golden Parachute, the Golden Rule. He who has the gold makes the rules and while Ashley is working hard to manipulate those rules her creepy ilk across town are planning a benefit for the purpose of warning kids about the dangers of driving and drinking. So righteous and morale are they. Yawn did the crime. Let him do the time.

Dog Eats Dog

May 23, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

I guess there's nothing in the Books of Ethics that says the District Attorney can't fall in love with the woman he at one time suspected of killing Tom Fisher and the daughter, faux as Ashley Abbott may be, of the man Will Bardwell eventually sent to prison for that murder. Then again, as reported earlier, it was always John 'Yawn' Abbott's decision whether he'd go to prison or flee to Ireland. But isn't it slightly disturbing that of all the women there must be in Genoa City Will has, apparently, picked Ashley? Hasn't he heard? Shouldn't someone tell him how Ashley stole sperm, how she killed two babies and has, it seems, been married at one time to every man in this town?

What about Paul Williams? Isn't, or wasn't, he "dating" Ashley? Wasn't she hot for Paul too? Is another love triangle in bloom? Aren't two triangles enough? Isn't it pathetic that Nick Newman and Phyllis Summers keep saying how much they wish time could be turned back; how if they were in a time machine they could undo the harm they've done to so many people and yet, when it comes down to it, when they're being treated like pond scum, when they say they mustn't be seen together, they keep seeing each other?

What does it say about Brad Carlton, married less than a week, when he and Sharon Newman, her days persistently bad ones that only Brad can make better, her bitching and moaning what a dog Nick is for putting the pork to Phyllis while he was happily married, when she, Sharon, was telling Brad on his wedding day that she'd gladly spread her legs for him, swap spit like two dogs suffering from dehydration? What does that say about Victoria Newman's performance in bed if her husband is already lusting for other women?

What of Will's leading Ashley on by pretending to help get her daddy out of prison on early release when surely, strange as Wisconsin is, there must be minimum sentencing guidelines in place? What of Ashley's buying Will's bull despite his saying that getting Yawn out of the pokey won't happen overnight? Does she think that maybe spreading her legs might grease the skids so to speak? Is she really taking Will's word for it that the head of the "medical division" will keep an eye on Yawn's health? When has any prosecutor ever shown compassion for a criminal? Is this what taxpayers pay them to do? Is it the policy of the Attorney General's Office to coddle killers?

And did Ashley really say she expects Will to "do nice things for me from now on?" Why? Because she's going to screw him? Because once Will has dipped his monkey in the love pot he'll never want sex with anyone - or anything - else? Is Will really the "Master of the Unexpected"?

How nice too of Ashley to take Will to the Athletic Supporter Club where Ashley's niece, or sister, or step-daughter, or who the hell knows how anyone is related these days, was working her first day as a waitress. How nice of club manager Gina Roma to shower nephew Daniel Romalotti and his wife with a meal fit for a king as Victoria Newman came forth to imply that Colleen Carlton, her step-daughter by marriage but who she'd rather consider a friend, is too good to be working as a lowly waitress earning nickels and dimes when Colleen too could have a fancy job at Newman Enterprises if she so desired. How modest of Colleen to say no thanks, she'd rather see how the other half must scrape through life barely making enough money to pay the electric bill.

Oh, these people. So desperate they must do the unthinkable. They must, as Jack did today, confront those who done them wrong and ask if it was just sex or was there more to stabbing the knife deep in his back like Nick did to his own father. How beyond reproach of Jack to be able to walk into the executive offices at Newman Enterprises as though he owned the place while moments earlier Brad was telling Phyllis that because she's such a skank, shouldn't show her face around the place? How great is Jack's memory that he recalled it was a rainy day when Nick was 10 and came crying to him after breaking a window? Woe is Jack. He just can't understand how Nick would do Phyllis knowing what she means to him. Knowing that she did Damon Porter before Nick didn't seem to bother Jack. But Nick, well, that's a different story.

"Do you want her now?" Jack bellowed at Nick, as if to say that Phyllis, and women in general are just so much meat to be shared with other dogs when the Alpha male is done having his fill.

I know, I shouldn't be surprised. There is a shortage of available, virgin men and women in this city. The movers and shakers here must constantly swap partners. Hey, have you had Ashley yet? Have you tried Phyllis? They are hot, hot, hot. Hey, Paul! Isn't it about time you start sucking around Lauren again? She's only 9 weeks pregnant. Why not screw her too so that, like Phyllis, Lauren will have to conjure up a means to swipe some of your DNA? It's true. When she isn't sucking around Nick, Phyllis will be plotting to get Jack Abbott's DNA. It should be easy enough given that Jack, while he's bummed out that the boy he taught not to play ball in the house did his ex-wife, will probably roll with Phyllis again. Give Jack a week or so and he'll be so horny Seawind the horse will look good.

Off to See the Wizard

April 3, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

When I heard that either Jack Abbott or Ashley Abbott, I can't remember which of the two it'll be (note the day this was written), or whether it'll be both, who go to visit their father in prison, I couldn't help but laugh. No, not because John Abbott is not Ashley's biological father, but because if it was me in prison the last thing I'd want to hear is that the kids have put my company at financial risk again.

Not that John has any controlling interest in Jabot Cosmetics, he doesn't. He may be somewhat concerned as to how Jabot prospers, however, because presumably if it does well his kids and wife won't have to get off the gravy train. Ashley and Jack won't have to get homes of their own and his wife, Gloria, will have those dividend checks to keep her warm.

I can only imagine how the meeting will go.

"You came all the way up the river to Walrus State Prison to tell me you've screwed up again? You didn't bring me any home baked cookies or Mamie's sweet rolls? Oh, that's right. Mamie hasn't lived with us for years. So tell me. What have you F-ed up this time? What? You dumb bitch? You gave a list of the ingredients in Glow Again to the hedge clipper? Have you completely lost your mind? Where's the list now? Do you really thing Bradley hasn't made copies or put it up for sale on E-bay? Christ, I haven't been behind these bars for a month and already you dinkwads have screwed something else up.

Law suits coming? My granddaughter in the hospital again because you let her play with that toxic goop? How many times have I told you not to bring poisons into the house? Why do you think we cook it up in a lab? Hell, you could have saved me the trouble of killing Tom Fisher by just giving him some Glow Again. Oh, that's right. Glow Again wasn't around just a month ago. You concocted it in your spare time while I was fighting for my freedom and got samples of it distributed worldwide already? Amazing. You kids never cease to f-ing amaze me.

So why are you telling me all this? What do you expect me to do? In case you haven't noticed, I'm locked up. I can't, like you my beauty, go around stealing sperm and breaking laws. And what's this I hear about you, Jackie? Accusing my wife of corporate espionage? Didn't you dumb craps learn anything from the Magic Orchid mess? Whatever happened to that anyway? Never mind. Look at Gloria's face. Try not to puke. Is this a woman who would commit espionage? I think not. And what did I tell you about security? Can't you get that clueless PI to install an alarm system so you can track who comes and goes? Shouldn't access to the lab be restricted to only a select few? Christ, no wonder you two are in another fine mess. Get the hell out of here and don't come back until you can show me Jabot isn't in trouble. Just once I'd like to go to sleep at night without having to worry about what you dimwits are doing."

GUARD: "Mr. Abbott. You're wife is here."

"Please show these boobs out and send her in. Hi sweetheart. You sure took your sweet-ass time getting here. Why did you wait until a major catastrophe at Jabot before visiting? You aren't getting it on with Jackie, are you? That bastard did it with Jill, you know. Nailed her right under my roof, the creep did. Then screwed her again out by the pool. Of course, Jill was my ex-wife that time. But the audacity of that boy, doing his step-mother like that, but then. What's this I hear? Where did your son get the idea that Jack is, what did Kevin say, 'a professional businessman'? You better bring that boy up to speed. If Kevin is using Jackie as a business model that stinking coffee shop will be in as bad a shape as Jabot.

And what's up with that other son of yours discussing Jabot problems at that tourist trap? What were Katherine Chancellor and Jill doing at the Little Shop of Horrors? Oh, I know these things. I may be locked up, but I got my sources. Ever heard of Al Capone? He ran the Mob right from his cell. A snap of Al's fingers and people got whacked. Say, that might not be such a bad idea. Doesn't Katherine have a boardroom over at Chancellor Industries? What about the boardroom at Jabot? Was someone screwing on the table at the time? Is that why Katherine and Jill met with Michael at Lauren Fenmore's speak easy? It is, you know, a dive. Lauren did Paul right on the floor practically in the front window. God, that woman is such a slut.

Speaking of sluts, I forgot to ask her, but why is Ashley telling Paul Williams anything about Jabot's problems? I know, Ashley will be screwing Paul now that her marriage to the pool boy has abruptly ended, but why bring Paul in? To find who poisoned the poison? It wasn't you, was it, Gloria? Jackie thinks so. You wouldn't be trying to stick it to Jackie and Ashley for treating you like dirt, would you, Gloria? Can't say I'd blame you. Those kids have me so pissed off I'd kinda like to see them suffer for awhile. <Snicker, snort> Now where was I? Oh, yeah.

What the hell is the deal with Katherine and Jill asking Michael what a law suit, what impact, bad PR about another Jabot toxin spreading like Avian flu would have on the business? Jesus, if I didn't know better, I'd say Sharon Newman is smarter than those two. What do they think it'll do to business? And what can Michael do about it? If Michael's effort to keep me out of prison is any indication of his skills as a lawyer, God help Jabot.

Now, if you don't mind, Gloria. My drool cup is about to overflow and I'm very tired. I'll tell you the same thing I told the kids. Don't come back unless you've got some good news about Jabot, or, your prepared for a conjugal visit. I have my needs, you know. Don't you, Gloria? Haven't you missed me in bed? Show me your breasts!"

GUARD: "Time's up, Mr. Abbott. No touching!"

The Missing

March 2, 2006
by Christopher Jermal Glymph
 

John Abbott was really short changed during his long goodbye this week when some of the shady characters that he's supported over the years failed to support him. Instead he got this crappy half-ass three day goodbye almost all if not a majority of the people named below should have been at the court proceeding and the farewell.

Gina Roma - Was at one time so in love with the man but couldn't be bothered to show up at court or the farewell.

Phyllis Summers Romalotti Abbott - Didn't John give her and the "bad seed" a place to stay when the Newman's kicked them off the ranch? Not to mention John was her father-in-law she could have taken time out of her lusting after a married man long enough to say goodbye.

Nikki Reed Newman - She was married to Jack Abbott so this man was her father in law at one point not to mention she works for his company.

Paul Williams - Suppose to be caring so much about Ashley and after working on John's case the least he could have done was say goodbye.

Katherine Chancellor - They were such good and old friends yet she didn't say more than three words to the man at his farewell.

Lauren Fenmore Carlton Baldwin - Didn't John's money pay for her wedding not to mention she played a intricate part in this whole mess the least she could do is wish the man well.

Christine Blair 'Bug' Williams - John married her dying mother. Doesn't this count?

Dina Abbott - (John's first wife) would have been a great time for her to tell him that Ashley is not his child! Gloria would have had a field day with that.

Billy Abbott - although that excuse about being in Asia working on some big project was crap, he still should have been there for his father. Talk about ungrateful.

Keemo Volien - By all rights John is his grandfather and he's an Abbott. Keemo should have made a return and staked his claim.

Mamie Johnson - was once the housekeeper that raised Jack and Ashley not to mention was in love and almost married to John. Maybe she's too busy spending Jill Abbott's millions?

The Long Goodbye

March 1, 2006
by Michael Kelly

While this reporter hasn't made a secret of his newfound appreciation for John Abbott and his portrayer Jerry Douglas since Tom Fisher made Abbott's life a living hell (and gave Douglas the opportunity to give the finest performances of his career), even I'm thinking this three day Long Goodbye for the character has been a bit much. Really, aren't we all glad this tear stained maudlin madness is finally over?

Particularly since you know damn well if Abbott were a lowly plumber named John Q. Public from Podunk his elderly self would've been dragged away in handcuffs the moment the guy from Roots: The Next Generation announced his sentence (which, for the crime of voluntary manslaughter, would have been considerably longer for Mr. Q. than Abbott's measly 7 years).

I can't help but think the idea of John being hustled out of the courtroom (as well as his wife and 2.5 children's lives) by storm troopers would have had an immediacy and impact sorely lacking in the marathon sob-fest sayonara the character received.

That's not to say, however, that today's final installment of The Long Goodbye didn't have its moments. For instance, I liked the male bonding bye-bye scene John had with Brad. I thought it was amusing when Carlton suggested the old man should get himself a "six pick" while incarcerated after Abbott mentioned he'd spend his confined time reading and "pumping iron."

The problem was, Brad was given far more dialogue and a longer embrace while saying so long to John than his own daughter Traci. Considering the fact Traci hadn't seen her father, siblings and daughter in four years, Beth Maitland (Traci) was definitely gypped by the writers. Y&R's first Emmy winner deserved better.

What also could have been improved upon was Traci's hair, which is now an unbecoming shade of red I'd have to describe as a cross between a fire engine and marinara sauce.

Something Y&R did quite right was inject flashbacks (some of which were nearly 25 years old) into John's farewell scenes as Josn Groban's "You Raise Me Up" provided poignant musical accompaniment. Another classy touch was the inspired use of Y&R's theme as John made his exit.

Once John was gone and a devastated Gloria's face was glimpsed behind the Abbott's front door (which is adorned with an elaborate wrought iron design making it appear Gloria herself was as confined as her husband soon would be), the lovely Y&R theme led into warped sounding music as Gloria turned to face step-son Jack's sinister sneer right before the fadeout.

Despite fine performances and production values, John's farewell following such a long-winded emotional workout for the Abbotts has to be described by yours truly as a relief. See ya, John.

The Last Supper

February 28, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

It was with great trepidation that I awaited John 'Yawn' Abbott's decision as to whether he would go along with his dimwitted children, albeit Ashley Carlton's leech-like claim to Abbott fame, to flee the country. I was thinking if it were me, if I was pushing 80, if there was the slightest chance to avoid going to the hell prison is, I'd probably go for it. With only a few years left on this planet having to always look over my shoulder like a Nazi war criminal might be a thrill.

Being on the run would also present the opportunity to send videotapes to those pursing me. Assuming the Genoa City Police even care that I'm gone, and that the WFBI places me on its Most Wanted list, I'm sure they'd appreciate receiving taunting Osama-like messages which could seen by my family and friends on the popular cable access channel. Shucks, I might even be able to get gossip queen Leanna Love to interview me. Better yet, Entertainment Tonight might give me some prime time coverage. Of course, they'd have to pay their own expenses to my cave in Ireland!

That's right - Ireland!

Not exactly the vacation destination I would have chosen, the one good thing about Ireland is its extradition treaty with the United States which is apparently the reason Jack Abbott picked the country as the perfect spot for his father to live out what remains of a life. And while young Abbott got it wrong, that Ireland has no extradition treaty, it does. The thing is this: despite how serious the crime may be, Ireland doesn't willy-nilly extradite persons wanted in the United States. In the past twenty years there has been only two successful extraditions.

Still, with the odds running in his favor, Abbott on Tuesday shot down the kiddy's plan.

It's not that Yawn didn't want to go on the run. From his reaction he would have had only he been given more notice!

"You can't spring something like this on me and expect me to go along," he told the kids and his bug-eyed wife, Gloria Fisher-Abbott who fully expected to catch-up with him in Ireland at some later time in history.

"We can start a whole new life in Ireland," she actually said, which was no surprise given that this woman has always lived in, and continues living a fantasy where people can just go on the lam and forget their troubles.

It was only when Yawn's granddaughter heard his plea, "But my life is here," that cooler heads prevailed.

Not that anyone said how stupid running from the law is, or reminded Yawn that life - such that country club prison environments are - aren't the same as the one he's become accustomed to, but because Colleen Carlton yelped, "It isn't fair!"

How tragic for these rich bastards. Life isn't fair. Boo freaking hoo. They should think about that before committing the heinous acts of crime and passion they do. But no. On his last day of freedom Yawn couldn't bring himself to so much as scold the kiddies for planning what would have been another federal offense. He instead said how much he appreciates the love they were showing.

The old man did say in so many words that he did the crime so he must do the time, however.

"He was a terrible person! You were just trying to protect your family," Mrs. Abbott puked, in another attempt to justify the taking of a human life just because she didn't happen to like Tom Fisher who for years she allowed to keep her youngest son locked in a closet.

"I hope you two are satisfied. John's last chance at freedom and you blew it!" she spat at the adult kids before going off to pack a bag for Yawn which included everything but the kitchen sink. Photographs, business suits, books, Depends, and oops - will the country club allow such things? Probably not. Not that it mattered, Yawn said he has what he needs in his head, and his heart, to keep him warm during those times cellmate Bull has him bent over the sink.

Then, as a parting shot, the sobbing called for when life has treated them so poorly, Yawn hauled out the family photographs and that despicable bitch Ashley broke down in a bawling fit. The picture of when tomboy Ashley won the ballgame did it. She was so happy back then. Newly released from a psycho ward Ashley caught up with her college classmates and like all upper-class kids was the football team quarterback or the basketball team MVP.

Yeah, Ashley whimpered and whined. She's going to miss "daddy" so much. She's going to remember that on this day daddy said again they've got to get through this as "a family" and for his last meal, the Last Supper as it were, requested takeout from - the Athletic Supporter!

Escape to Ireland

February 27, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

When you see all those news reports of court trials where the defendant has been found guilty, sentenced, and immediately taken off by guards to a waiting van outside for the trip to the nearest correction facility, remember. This is what happens to common criminals.

For the rich and famous it's a different story.

And thus it came as no surprise on Monday that following the judge's ruling - that he spend seven years in prison - John Abbott just stood there in a daze. No guard dared touch him. For all intents and purposes Abbott was free until he decides when to start serving time or when the limousine is ready. Shocking to be sure, that anyone in Genoa City will actually have to pay for their crimes, Abbott's wife couldn't believe her ears. Seven years is an outrage! Her eyes all bugged out, Gloria Fisher-Abbott didn't drop to her knees to thank God the judge went out of his way to give Abbott what amounted to a slap on the wrist given the charge was voluntary manslaughter.

Also loitering around following the decision Jack Abbott and Ashley Carlton were bent. Had they heard right? Did the judge say the old man will have to serve time at Walrus State Prison? That gulag where the likes of Larry Warton and Nick Newman were incarcerated?

"There's been a miscarriage of justice," Mrs. Carlton yelped.

Indeed a mistake had been made as it was prearranged that Abbott would do time at a country club. In granting the special request the District Attorney would normally make such arrangements with the Department of Corrections were it not for the fact that in Genoa City nothing is normal. Made aware of the error, Abbott's lawyer said he'd get the judge to make a note of it.

Not satisfied, Mrs. Carlton wheezed, "This calls for extreme action."

Only one other person knew what she was talking about even after Carlton told Victor Newman there might still be "something" that could be done to help Abbott beyond the eleventh hour.

Passing out empathy, Newman apologized for not having had more of an influence on the judge. Perhaps, with more notice, he could have greased a few palms. Still, he assured Abbott, "You'll be in my prayers," as if he's ever prayed in his life, or, as the GCN has said before, God listens to the prayers of pagans.

With gloom and doom surrounding him like a dark cloud Abbott reached deep into his bag of tricks. Rabbit in a hat, no, not that. White dove? No. There! The always popular family values trick.

"We'll survive this as a family! Do you understand?" he oinked before leaving the courthouse and driving home in the car that he supposedly wrecked on the night of Tom Fisher's death.

As one of the last to leave Jack Abbott seized the opportunity to bash Michael Baldwin. Was the lawyer prepared to acknowledge he "blew" it? Was it not enough that Baldwin cut more than 10 years off Abbott's case?

Seeing the blood rise and the demons coming out as young Abbott's own innate sense of violence and rage steamed out his ears like fetid smoke, Mrs. Abbott rushed over to ask where her step-son got his law degree. The common analogy for these Abbott-ravaged times was cutoff when Carlton slithered over to ask, "Is my father going to prison?"

"No, you bitch. He's going to Club Med. What in the freaking hell is wrong with you?" nobody asked, but you know, should have because this is just how inane these people are.

"I wish I had a senator in my pocket," Baldwin added, as if more proof was needed as to why God won't listen to their prayers.

Young Abbott didn't volunteer that he'd called in a political favor earlier except that his congressman was too busy counting the money received from DP World - or something - to get involved.

Still finding it hard to believe that someone sentenced to seven years would have to serve all of them, too dumb to know that in 2.5 years Abbott will be eligible for parole, Carlton announced then and there it was time to "put plan 'B' into motion.

Plan B? What the hell was the sperm-stealing, baby-killing, bitch talking about?

At that moment young Abbott's phone rang and after a brief conversation he too announced that "plan B" was in motion.

Overhearing the two twits, and noticing the funny looking hat his son was holding, Abbott asked what they were up to.

"You're leaving the country!" Carlton said.

Abbott was aghast. Leave the country? But how?

Like a Taliban fanatic his boy Jack had it all worked out. Easily obtained on the streets of Genoa City the fake passport and papers had all been arranged. And where, oh where, was the geezer going?

Ireland!

The dream vacation spot, the choice of those fleeing the country, Ireland has no extradition treaty with the United States so it was the perfect place for an old man to "live out his life as a free man."

But wait! With so many reporters camped outside the Abbott Hotel how could they leave without being seen? Again, boy Jack had the answer.

A rental car parked out back would not be noticed as reporters focused on the family Buick parked in front. Just to be sure, Jackie would wear the hat as a "decoy" so that the old-timer could "hide" in the back seat of the rental. From there it would be a long drive to Toronto where Abbott is booked on a flight to Ireland.

Sound familiar? That laughter coming from what's left of a dying viewing public? Reporters don't notice? They aren't watching the backdoor? They don't see the rental car drive up or off?

At this moment in Genoa City, we are surrounded, infiltrated, soaked to the bone with stupidity. Things that couldn't possibly happen anywhere else happen here as a matter of routine. Freaks like the Abbotts and the Carltons and the Newmans bray about law and order while they break the rule of law and of man on a daily basis. They are positively masterful in cultivating a culture of intolerance and disgust, instilling a brilliant kind of poisonous fear and making deals with the Devil whereby the message will be sent that if the law doesn't go their way, if a congressman can't be bought, the law be damned. And of course, if worse comes to worse, they can always escape to Ireland.

Lucky 7

 
February 24, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

It was an emotional scene before a semi-packed fully-crocked Genoa City courthouse as the families and friends of John 'Yawn' Abbott awaited his sentencing for the December shooting death of evildoer Tom Fisher.

The defense wrapped up its sentencing arguments in the John Abbott murder case on Friday by parading a gaggle of character witnesses before the court so that they could ramble on about what a great father, granddaddy, lover and friend the old man has been to them over the years as if anything they said could influence the judge to take into consideration and into balance the things that Abbott gave to his city.

"It's at times like this you need your family and friends the most," Brad Carlton told Abbott before announcing that because of a prior engagement wouldn't be sticking around to be with the family during this most urgent of times.

"My thoughts and prayers are with you," Carlton puked as he was leaving as though anyone would place any value on anything he might be thinking or that God listens to the prayers of the adulterous public. But then on second thought, when Carlton thought his frail daughter might need him to stay said business could always wait and then left anyway.

The much talk about arrival at court of Abbott's biological daughter didn't happen either. Having wrapped up her always on a book tour early, it wasn't early enough apparently for author Traci Abbott Connelly.

Abbott's former wife, Jill showed up to say she had tried reaching the Abbott's young son but that Billy Abbott was in "Asia" working on what she would only describe as "a big project."

And for the first time, Abbott's supposed long-time friend Katherine Chancellor Sterling was on hand for the glum festivities too as was long-time enemy Victor Newman who came to put in his two-cents and in a stunning act of passion received a words of thanks from life-long nemesis Jack Abbott.

Compelled by law to follow sentencing guidelines regardless of any pity pool whimpering, Judge Wentworth Borden sat on the bench patiently as one by one family members threw themselves at the mercy of the court and what punishment they thought was appropriate.

On the witness stand Colleen Carlton sang her grandpa's praises. "My grandfather is the glue that keeps our family together. Please don't take him away from us."

In addition to a litany of things Abbott has done to serve the community, Gloria Fisher-Abbott said of her husband, "He's a good man. A moral man. A gentle man. The only mistake he made was wanting to protect his family."

Following Mrs. Abbott's admonishment of the judge, that if he wanted someone to blame, it should be her, as otherwise Tom Fisher would never have come to Genoa City and got himself killed, Mrs. Abbott #3, or 4, or whatever, told the court, "John is my ex-husband. We had a son who we raised together. He is the kindness man I know. A real family man which is why he is in this trouble; he wanted to protect his family."

Incredibly the judge didn't stop the proceeding to tell anyone who might have similar testimony, to save it. Whether Jill Abbott had a son, whether she and her ex raised it together, was suspect and nothing gives anyone right to take a human life unless their lives are in immediate danger which, in this particular case, they were not.

Sterling took the stand to say what a fine man Abbott is and that she knew of no other man who would marry a woman dying of AIDS just so the woman could die in peace. For a woman who claims to have been around Genoa City for more than 50 years, Sterling had not apparently heard of the marriage between Malfunction Winters and Keesha Monroe the later of whom died from AIDS.

Not that anyone from the Winters family could have told the judge had they been so inclined, not a single member of the Winters' attended the sentencing probably because "bad seed" Daniel Romalotti was there but didn't have anything to contribute.

Not did Jack Abbott. For a son so hell-bent on saving his father's ass he thought attorney Michael Baldwin could re-try the case which was never tried in the first place, all young Abbott could say was that his Pa knows what he did was wrong and that should be punishment enough because John Abbott is one honorable and good man. He just killed someone in cold blood is all.

Victor Newman's contribution to the dog and pony show was that Abbott is "a honest decent man who does a lot of charitable work for his community" and as such should not be taken away from the community.

Of her faux father, Ashley Abbott Carlton said, "He was only trying to protect his family from a vicious, dangerous man."

All but confessing to the crime of obstruction, Baldwin had to shut Carlton down before what she said could be held against her in a civil case as, unless Genoa City is really beset by bad laws, she can't be charged for the same crime since all charges against her had been dropped as part of a plea agreement.

In his own defense Abbott had nothing much to add except to beg for mercy.

Except for two sons and a former wife, who for years had wanted him out of their lives, no relative or character witness appeared in court to speak on Fisher's behalf or to seek revenge by demanding the book be thrown at Abbott.

When he couldn't stand it any longer the judge took a brief recess and returned later to slap Abbott with a 7 year sentence.

Friends and family and Abbott himself seemed shocked. They appeared to act like some injustice had befallen them when in reality they had hit the jackpot. Lucky 7! Abbott can do that standing on his head given his age and influence and if he's a good boy, the man will be out on parole in less than 2.

Rush to Judgment

February 23, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

They say the wheels of justice turn slowly so it was therefore quite amazing that within hours of his plea bargain John Abbott's sentencing hearing was set to begin and the witnesses subpoenaed. As previously reported those expected to testify include Abbott's granddaughter, Colleen Carlton, and restaurant/gym manager, Gina Roma, who at one time had aspirations of being Abbott's wife. Since Carlton was not in Genoa City at the time Abbott killed Tom Fisher and Roma has no firsthand knowledge of the crime and the proceeding is not a trial, the witnesses will tell of Abbott's great character and throw themselves at the mercy of the court in a bid to have the judge impose leniency.

Also in time for the sentencing, Abbott's biological daughter, Traci Connelly is expected to make an appearance for the sake of moral support and if there's any justice in this town give that faux sister of hers a good tongue lashing. Had it not been for Ashley Abbott Carlton's cavorting with Fisher, had it not been for the planting of drugs on Fisher, Abbott would more than likely be walking the streets a free man. As is, the man with one foot in the grave faces a possible twenty years in the slammer.

Prior to members of the Abbott family arriving at the courthouse Thursday there was no indication that Abbott's doctors will testify that putting an elderly man - with so many medical problems John Hopkins would roll in his casket - behind bars would be detrimental to his health and therefore extract from the judge enough sympathy as to warrant placing Abbott in an institution for men similar to those in other states that are almost as inviting as a suburban college campus.

At such "prisons" there is often a salad bar at dinner, cable TV and all the amenities of a country club. Still, no one really wants to live there. And, more emphatically, no one wants to die there which, when considering his age, Abbott is almost certain to do. In a way, it's sad that Abbott will more than likely leave wherever he goes in a pine box all because he wanted to see that sperm-stealing, baby-killing bitch go scot-free.

It might be understandable if Mrs. Carlton were his real daughter. But she isn't. She's the toad nobody wanted. Abbott felt sorry for Brent Davis' daughter, took her in, gave her a home, gave her everything a girl could want including the presidency of a major cosmetics conglomerate, and this is the way she pays him back?

From day one Abbott's 'beauty' has been nothing but trouble going so far as to steal Traci's hedge-clipping pool boy from her and making Traci feel guilty for being overweight to the point where she sat alone in her room eating bon-bons, to destroying the family business, to biting the hand that feeds her.

It'll be interesting to see how long Mrs. Carlton mourns for dear "daddy" Abbott. The GCN gives her a week - tops - before she's brewing up another batch of disgusting evil, stabbing brother Jack Abbott in the back and neglecting the daughter she bore with stolen sperm still said to be "really messed up."

Let's see if, when inmate No. 0319465 wakes up to begin his day and changes from his pajamas and orange house coat into jeans and a denim shirt labeled Wisconsin Prisoner and begins his drill: breakfast at 6, sack lunch pickup at 6:30, infirmary at 7, where he acquires an ankle chain, belly chains and handcuffs and hobbles to a van for the 10-minute ride to a hospital for Depends changing at 8, he's not the last thing on Carlton's mind as she stuffs her face with hot muffins served up by the Abbott slave.

20 Years in the Slammer!

 
February 22, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

As a rule, in cities where district attorneys are overzealous and often make big deals out of the smallest criminal case just to impress their superiors and advance their careers, an open and shut case like John Abbott's would never be pled away. Likewise, in Genoa City, with a confession from Abbott that he killed Tom Fisher, DA Will Bardwell would be a fool to even consider reducing the charge, But that's exactly what he did on Wednesday following a brow beating inflicted by Abbott's lawyer, Michael Baldwin.

A divorce lawyer at best, Baldwin told Bardwell that going to trial would be a mistake because in the million to one chance Bardwell was to lose the case the town would look upon him as a flunky. Convinced he's got the evidence to put Abbott away without a confession Bardwell nevertheless capitulated. He entertained the idea of reducing Abbott's murder charge to involuntary manslaughter with the proviso that Abbott be placed on two years probation which would most likely mean that Abbott could determine himself how the probation be worked off, say, by building a wreck center for wayward youth.

Just when the deal was about to be made Abbott started digging his own grave by demanding that his faux daughter, his "beauty", the sperm stealing bitch Ashley Abbott Carlton be given a get out of jail free card. In exchange, Abbott said he'd plead guilty to voluntary manslaughter which carries with it a nine year prison sentence.

Bardwell balked, but when Baldwin said he and Abbott would settle for voluntary manslaughter so long as Carlton gets to skate, it was agreed so long as they understand a judge could impose a maximum twenty year sentence.

"We'll risk it," Baldwin honked, tossing in at the last minute a stipulation that Abbott serve his time at a minimum security prison. Or in other words, a country club for criminally rich.

A done deal, all parties were scheduled to appear in court on Friday.

Fix May be in for Killer

February 21, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

National media hounds emerged from their cobweb-covered stronghold in front of the Abbott Hotel long enough to make a run on Genoa City's renown Athletic Supporter Club when it was learned Tuesday that members of the Abbott family were inside. A tabloid editor's dream the murder of evildoer Tom Fisher attracted media whores from far and wide following Ashley Abbott Carlton's confession to the crime. Yet for all their resources the best reporters got from standing around all day was the cellphone number of mostly disconnected family member Jill Abbott who refused to provide any insight that would end the conjecture about why the murder happened. The case so tantalizingly networks are willing to spend thousands covering it, only local cable television gossiper Leanna Love managed to pin down Mrs. Carlton for a personal interview, and just last week a syndicated entertainment show broadcast what few details were available with regard to Fisher's real killer, John Abbott.

Their concrete shoes pried off reporters were waiting outside the club when Abbott and his attorney arrived but were easily held back by manager Gina Roma and did not learn that divorce attorney Michael Baldwin is working with Assistant DA Will Bardwell to cut a plea agreement on his client's behalf.

While not officially agreed to, the Genoa City News has learned that the charge of murder will be reduced to manslaughter. A lesser charge would almost guarantee that Abbott would then avoid a trial and in so doing could be placed on probation. Like so many other cities across America, manslaughter in Genoa City is considered a misdemeanor in that those convicted of it rarely go to prison. Add the fact that Abbott has no criminal history and rid the world of an evildoer by taking Fisher off the street and the sum total is that Abbott could pretty much get away with murder.

The GCN has also learned that the DA isn't exactly excited about cutting such a deal when he's got his man dead to rights. Besides, as one climbing the political ladder, Bardwell may have aspirations of replacing the vacationing DA, Glenn Richards. Moreover, a tentative witness list leaked to the GCN shows the names Colleen Carlton and Gina Roma just a few of the character witnesses expected to be called at Abbott's trial. Thus, all indications at this time including Abbott's resignation from Jabot Cosmetics, point to Abbott's certain incarceration.

If Abbott goes to jail it won't be because his family didn't try pulling strings to have him get away with just a slap on the wrist. Calling in a few political IOUs, Abbott's son, Jack reportedly called his congressman this day to see how much power the Abbott name wields. Unfortunately, Abbott's congressman was one of the rare few who are not as slimy as Jack is.

"I didn't ask the congressman to do anything unethical," Abbott was heard telling a co-worker, only to have his blood boil that for all the contributions his father has made to the republican party there will be no quid-pro-quo in this instance.

"All the good my dad has done over the years for these people and they can't return a favor?" he hissed, and when told, "They're elected officials," as if to say politicians can't be bought, Abbott had the gall to say, "They are every bit as bad as the stupid people hanging outside my house," which may have been a true statement presuming those people outside his house are from CNN and the corporate media, government propagandist, ilk.

But young Abbott wasn't alone in his snide comments. After bitching that he's sick of people gawking at him and his family as though they'd never seen gangsters before, Mrs. Abbott hacked, "They're small minded."

In a related development showing just how concerned she is about the Abbott family and its latest string of troubles, Katherine Chancellor Sterling said today the impact poses such a huge financial problem for Jabot Cosmetics she wants stop-gap measures put in place immediately to protect her real interest which is - as it always has been - money.

Murder Suspect Released on Bail!

 
February 20, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

There has never been any doubt that rank has its privilege and it's never a bad thing to be wealthy and well connected especially if you're an abuser of power living in Genoa City. Within hours of being arrested Monday for murder John Abbott was walking the streets a free man. In the same time span re-arrested, this time for obstruction of justice, Abbott's faux daughter, Ashley Abbott Carlton was also out on bail details of which, the amount or who posted it, were not disclosed.

In a city where the elite usually get their news and information from the local paper or by word of mouth because they are much too busy to watch television, it was of particular interest to note that on the day of Abbott's and Carlton's arrest many were glued to the program Entertainment Tonight which had coincidentally sent a gossip queen to relatively unknown Genoa City to cover the Fisher murder mystery.

Unaware that Fisher was never known by his given first name ET gossiper Kevin Frazier nevertheless referred to him as Thomas which some viewers would later say was actually "Tomas" which wouldn't have been correct unless Frazier had at first confused Fisher with Tomas del-Cerro. A mad writer from Spain, del-Cerro did time in Genoa City with one-book wonder Nina Webster before both left the city.

ET also pointed out what it termed a "twist" in that Fisher was the former husband of Abbott's current wife and at the time of his death was wanted for "murder" despite the fact that Fisher didn't murder anyone. Pretending to have "sources" within the office of Genoa City's District Attorney, ET also reported that Carlton's role in Fisher's murder had to do with blackmail and jealously and these issues, while not established, gave Abbott motive and opportunity.

Spinning like a media whore on crack, the ET gossiper added that "industry analysts" had informed him that Jabot Cosmetics, the company Abbott founded, has an uncertain future as a direct result of the murder. While it's true Jabot is teetering again at the edge of financial ruin it has little to do with the murder and more to do with the fact that Jabot has for years been mismanaged.

Suspects in the case and members of their family took the arrests with a grain of salt. Gathered around the breakfast table on Monday John Abbott apologized for putting his wife, daughter and son through what he termed "humiliation."

Off-spring Jack Abbott reminded the old fart who the real "victim" is and not to get all quail hunting limp on him.

Abbott's 'beauty', Carlton claimed her daddy was only trying to protect his family. "If the media wants to turn it into something else there's nothing you can do about it," she said as if this therefore justified vigilante justice.

In another bizarre development, Jack Abbott, in the short time that has passed since his father's arrest, reported he's already contacted "some of the best defense attorneys in the country." He did not say whether any of those he spoke with agreed to take the case, however. On the plus side, Jabot's "new face" voiced concern of having a divorce lawyer represent his father.

"No way in hell I'm putting his future in Michael Baldwin's hands," the younger Abbott said only to be overruled by Gloria Fisher-Abbott who said her son Baldwin is the best lawyer money can buy.

It would have been nice, but unfortunately the Abbott slave, Mrs. Martinez didn't add her two cents which might have gone like this:

"Are you people crazy? I'm just a green card carrying alien but even I know you need to hire a criminal defense lawyer. This isn't a divorce you're going through Mr. Abbott. Well, in a way it is because with Baldwin as your lawyer you'll surely be divorced from your family for life. But Christ Almighty get a real lawyer and I'm not talking about Christine 'Bug' Blair!"

In a related development, Abbott's life-long friend Katherine Chancellor Sterling visited with granddaughter Mac Browning concerning a pregnancy, asked her daughter about Abbott's murder motives, but was too damn lazy to tell the man in person that he has her full support. Instead, Sterling choose to have Jill Abbott convey the message unaware that she hasn't seen her former husband except for the one time preceding the arrest.

Coupled with Abbott's other friend Gina Roma, the woman he dated for a spell and the same woman who never once visited him in the hospital or has seen him since learning of the murder, the lack of interest was not lost on son-in-law Brad Carlton who found the news of his estranged wife's arrest as good in that the sooner Mrs. Carlton is locked up the sooner he'll be able to marry another woman.

In theory, maybe it's a good thing for all concerned that Abbott seems destined for a prison cell. There's a saying that when one door closes another one opens.

Crime Doesn't Pay

February 17, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

I could be wrong, God knows I have been before, but I'm going out on a limb and say that Genoa City private detective Paul 'Clueless' Williams sent John Abbott's blood stained coat to some sort of crime lab. I'm aware too that clueless as he is, in that Williams has never asked why the police dropped the Tom Fisher murder investigation, he didn't inform the cops of new evidence in the case, I.E.: the bloody coat. Assuming Williams didn't send the coat to a photo or sperm lab it's a good bet the crime lab has a security policy. There are probably experts working there who would ask anyone showing up at the front counter asking to have the coat returned for some identification and would want to know why, if indeed human blood was found on the coat, it wasn't going straight to the police department.

That said, it was therefore mind-numbing to learn late this week that Gloria Fisher-Abbott was able to have to coat turned over to her by simply showing up and claiming to work for Williams. In these days of fear and terror it is obscene that no lab employee thought to verify Mrs. Abbott's alleged employment or knew she's the step-mother of Williams' high profile client Ashley Abbott-Carlton and wife of Carlton's faux father or thought wasn't it strange overall in that Williams only has one employee, a part timer at that.

With coat in hand Mrs. Abbott returned to the Abbott Hotel where she set the coat afire and like Nick Newman, who withheld crucial evidence in the Romalotti wrongful death case, instantly became a criminal in her own right.

Not that Mrs. Abbott need worry. Newman wasn't prosecuted for his crime and she's not likely to be either. It's called Genoa City justice whereas people break laws with impunity. The guilty ones, those whose consciences nag at them, can turn themselves in, confess repeatedly to their crimes only to find getting arrested is like pulling teeth.

But by some fluke, some quirk, the planets out of alignment or something, justice may have been served on Friday when District Attorney Will Bardwell not only arrested Mr. Abbott, he arrested Carlton as well and then only because he had to be talked into doing it. Mrs. Fisher may have torched the coat but not before the lab was able to discover that sure enough the blood on it matches the victim's.

The news was music to old man Abbott's ears. All but jumping up and down and yelling, "See? I shot Fisher," he fully expected all charges against Carlton to be dropped. Told he's dreaming if he thinks the bitch will get off, Abbott would have strangled Bardwell had Jack Abbott not intervened and Carlton not agreed to go to the cop house like she had any choice.

If not for his violent outburst it might have been said that Abbott did the right thing when he told Carlton, Williams and attorney Michael Baldwin that he will not be party to a cover-up. Some might have suggested too that if not for the dismal certainty he's going to prison Abbott may have considered running for President of the United States as what America needs right now is a president that won't lie.

Abbott did get a taste of presidential treatment however when cops ignored procedure by refusing to make him do a frog walk. Free of handcuffs the old man was last seen being led off in custody with Williams and Baldwin tagging along although what either men thought they can accomplish at this point, other than Jack Abbott assuming his father will be sprung on bail, was not immediately known given that Williams is clueless and as a lawyer, Baldwin has been about as useless as teats on bull.

It is satisfying to know that the old saying "crime doesn't pay" still has meaning. It's unfortunate that, when all is said and done, not all those with debts to society will actually pay them off, however.

Blind Justice

February 13, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

One might say Genoa City is turning into a regular Guantanamo Bay if it weren't for the fact that instead of locking people up on bogus charges the justice system here allows them to roam the street inflicting their terror.

Self-confessed killer John Abbott has tried on a least two occasions to get himself locked up for shooting a man and each time his request has fallen on deaf ears. The old timer went to Will Bardwell's office today with proof he killed Tom Fisher and still the DA refused to believe him even his faux daughter, Ashley Carlton, coaberated his story.

"With no hard evidence nothing changes," Bardwell told a frustrated Abbott who then offered to take polygraph test. At first refusing to administer a lie detector Bardwell eventually relented when Abbott threatened to have himself tested and turn the result over to the media.

In a related development under the category Pigs Fly, attorney Michael Baldwin has revealed that he has a signed and sworn affidavit from the person who sold him the methamphetamine Carlton planted of Fisher's motorcycle. Baldwin had planned to present the affidavit to Bardwell in connection with his confession that he conspired with Carlton to set Fisher up but because Bardwell became distracted when their meeting was interrupted never got around to it.

Incredibly, when Abbott's test result proved that if he's lying, he's dying, Bardwell said again it doesn't prove anything right after Abbott said he'd go to the press which it appears he'll have to now unless private detective Paul Williams, thought to have the evidence Bardwell needs, can convince him otherwise.

As bad a DA as Glenn Richards is, legal scholars say they're not sure even he'd be that stupid as truly, justice in Genoa City is not only blind, it has no eyes with which to see.

The Greatest Fall of All

February 7, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

As anyone who has ever been part of the jury selection process is aware, one of the first questions lawyers ask prospective jurors is whether they have read or watched news reports about the case and if they've formed an option as to guilt or innocence. Those replying in the affirmative are most always rejected.

Considering he's never served on a jury that Brad Carlton wouldn't know this might be understandable if not for the fact that, beside being against the law, people don't go around influencing juries. But that's what Carlton suggested this week. He told his soon to be ex wife and wannabe convicted murderer Ashley Abbott Carlton she should "get the message out to potential jurors" that she didn't kill Tom Fisher in cold blood. Noting that a jury would be "sympathetic" and more likely to let her get away with murder if they knew her side of story from the outset, Carlton theorized this tactic would be more successful than the notion that women are more apt to be forgive because of their gender.

For several days Ms. Abbott has put forward the claim that her cancer-scared breasts will save her ass but made no mention of that today when she explained the reasoning behind her involvement with Fisher. Described as a "low life" not to be confused with the high life a sperm thief leads, Abbott said the affair she had with Fisher was "complicated" and while it was something she "got caught up in" isn't too worried because she's got one of the best all-purpose lawyers representing her. As for the District Attorney wanting to portray her as a cold-blooded killer and probably digging into her past as she spoke, Abbott said she's not worried about that either, but jumped at the chance to tell her story to tabloid gossip queen Leanna Love.

And what a break it was for Love. Most remembered for writing the unauthorized story of Victor Newman in her book "Ruthless", Love just happened to be in the right place at the right time on Tuesday when she found Abbott ordering coffee at a local restaurant. For weeks network reporters have been camped out at the Abbott Hotel hoping to get even a glimpse of the self-confessed killer and here Love was eyeball to eyeball with her. Love's first tactic to throw Abbott off the be very careful who you run your mouth to trail was to apologize for having smeared her in the past. Convinced that Love has changed, or in this particular instance, turned over a new leaf, Abbott gave love the 911.

Calling it a chance to get the "truth" out because the court of public hasn't heard the umpteenth times she's said she killed Fisher in self-defense and after squeezing a CNN-like promise out of Love not to show her in a bad light, Abbott generally lied her ass off. She lied about being stalked by Fisher and said she was afraid because Fisher continually showed up at her place of work, the very secure Jabot Cosmetics office complex. Then, to convince the sheep who are incapable of thinking for themselves, Abbott used fear to convince other women out there of her innocence.

Yes, she killed Fisher, but she's a woman and that makes it okay. Additionally, Abbott used her daughter as an excuse for obtaining what she called a "legally registered weapon" with which to murder. For those not yet buying her lies, Abbott said that because Fisher was wanted in connection with the apparent death of Lauren Fenmore and had threatened her family, that made it okay for her to shoot him.

"I never meant to kill anyone," Abbott swore.

As if more proof was needed that she's fully embedded with the media whores, Love oozed with devilish sympathy.

"You don't need to be afraid anymore. He's [Fisher] gone forever. You were in a horrible situation with a dangerous man."

Quick thinking Abbott fired off the best weapon of mass fear there is. Fisher was also a "child abuser!"

Those watching Love's 'live' report could almost hear the jury foreman reading a verdict of not guilty. Throw a child into whatever the mix may be, be it sex or crime or war, and the conclusion is always the same. Who will protect the little children if Abbott's in prison?

In a related development, Fisher's real killer, John Abbott was elated to learn today that clueless private detective Paul Williams will take his case.

"It won't be easy," Williams lamented before revealing that for some ungodly reason he had already taken it upon himself to interview everyone inside the steakhouse on the night Fisher was shot in the alley outside. Without a clue to go on following his investigation Williams said the fact that Fisher had "bumped" into Abbott that night might be the lead he was looking for only he didn't know it at the time.

"I can't allow my flesh and blood to pay for something I did," a relieved Abbott muttered, totally unaware that he had stumbled on the one reason his faux daughter should take the greatest fall of all.

4 Wrongs Don't Make a Right

February 6, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

If you were a private detective would you perform a service for someone with one foot in the grave? Wouldn't you be worried the person might die and you wouldn't get paid? Unless you've got money to burn and time to spare you would. But then there's a good chance you don't live in Genoa City and aren't this city's most clueless PI, Paul Williams.

Disturbed that the District Attorney refuses to believe he killed Tom Fisher, cosmetics czar John Abbott sought out Williams on Monday and asked that he prove it to the DA. That Williams has one of the most astounding failure rates as a PI doesn't matter so long as he does the work for free.

At press time it wasn't clear whether Williams would take the case but most likely he will as there's never been a case Williams hasn't taken. Even though he knows going in the odds of solving the case are slim Williams nevertheless will want to prove Abbott killed Fisher because in doing so he'll get Ashley Carlton, the woman he has an erection for, out from under the umbrella of uncertainty. Describing the Fisher case as "high profile" Williams said new prosecutor Will Bardwell is looking to move up the political feeding chain and wouldn't be going after Carlton unless he thinks he can win.

In a related development, members of Abbott's family have suggested he let the chips fall where they may. With his faux daughter willing to sacrifice herself Abbott will be assured of living out his final days in senior citizen bliss. Carlton is a trooper. She's not afraid of going to prison and has total confidence that the divorce attorney representing her will pull a rabbit out of his hat. She doesn't give a damn that what they are doing is wrong. To Carlton's way of thinking three wrongs make a right. She, her brother, her step-mother, they're all wrong for covering up the truth. But as is so often the case in Genoa City the truth can kiss her ass.

All-purpose attorney Michael Baldwin remains convinced as well. Unaware that his client left her fingerprints on the drugs they planted on Fisher, he said today there's nothing to worry about. "We do have a good case for self-defense," he told Carlton who reminded him that their conspiracy could come crashing down upon their brainless heads if anyone discovers they set Fisher up.

"We've covered our tracks. Only three people know."

It's truly amazing that for two nutjobs with a history of committing criminal acts, Baldwin didn't warn Carlton to wear gloves that night she stuffed Meth into Fisher's motorcycle saddle bags and that she, being a sperm-thief and all, didn't think to wear gloves. Moreover, it's stunning that after all this time only now has the DA thought to check the drugs for prints. But what's that old saying? Better late than never? Or, to coin a new phrase, four wrongs don't make a right.

Too Many Killers Spoil the Broth

February 3, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

There was this creepy feeling. This too good to be true, can we just put an end to Ashley Carlton's martyrdom and throw her ass in prison for the hell of it, sense that the district attorney wouldn't believe John Abbott's confession that he killed Tom Fisher.

The story Abbott told Will Bardwell seemed coherent, it made perfect sense, it could have ended all the agony and frustration and put everything back into prospective and allowed members of the Abbott family to clear their conscience and focus on keeping an old man out of prison by maybe hiring a criminal defense attorney, and might have convinced Bardwell had only he not allowed himself to be badgered by Abbott's son and wife.

Learning that his father could very well be confessing and speaking the god awful truth and truth has a way in Genoa City of ringing throughout the land like a cheese grater rubbing against the teeth of common sense, Jack Abbott hightailed it over to the God Have Mercy Medical Center on Friday to launch what was a hilarious and nauseating and took all the self-control in the world for everyone watching not to burst out in disgusted laughter and throw their chairs at his duplicitous little head tirade about the rule of law.

How dare Bardwell speak to a confessed killer without a lawyer present? How dare he... what? The old man invited him by for tea? Well, not much Jackie boy can do then unless... why, yes! Unleash the rabid gnarled, acid tongue of Gloria Fisher-Abbott who verbally reamed Bardwell up one side, down another and told him to leave as though fully expecting that one of the highest officers of the county would do anything a pipsqueak citizen would so suggest and not have them arrested on the spot for hindering a criminal investigation.

But that's how it is in Genoa City. The rule of law does not apply to those it should and those it does do not comply. The law is a pesky nuisance best left to the scummy Abbott/Carlton/Newman underworld; the Kings and Queens who consider themselves above reproach. Listen to a man's confession? Do with it what should have been done weeks ago if only the justice system in this loopy city worked? Not if Gloria and Jack Abbott have anything to say about it. And say, they apparently have.

Bardwell was so pistol-whipped he went into immediate meltdown. Implying there is something wrong with Abbott's state of mind, he put a quick stop to the awakening crapola and declared on the spot, "What we have here is a father who is desperately trying to save his daughter."

While it was a setback for law and order, and means that for another week at least Ashley Carlton gets to squawk like a sperm-stealing vulture that she killed Fisher, time is running out for the bonk-job Abbotts. As soon as Bardwell finds his spine and starts realizing there's more to these slimy crooks than meets the eye and that they are protecting the status quo and defending the power base there may be just enough justice leftover to shove up Carlton's butt, that of her brother, her step-mother and her conspiring lawyer, light a fuse to it and blow them all back to Hell.

Old Man Receives Slamming Exit

February 3, 2006
by Michael Kelly

In a shocking move described in a published online report as a "storyline-dictated twist," veteran Y&R thespian Jerry Douglas (John Abbott) will soon depart Y&R when the frail Abbott patriarch gets sent to the slammer for 7 years for shooting Tom Fisher dead.

Though Douglas' last airdate is unknown at this time, the cast and crew recently rallied around the seasoned performer and presented him with a farewell cake on the Y&R set.

This reporter must admit to being blown away by this development. It's highly unusual (if not unheard of) for an upstanding, soap opera patriarch - whose onscreen stint spanned nearly a quarter of a century - to get sent to the pokey.

If Y&R scribes felt the John Abbott character had run his course, it's surprising they opted to concoct an open-ended departure for the Genoa City stalwart. Particularly since many Y&R message board posters speculated Abbott's poor health combined with the recently announced imminent return of his youngest daughter indicated the Jabot founder would soon kick the bucket.

While yours truly (who has been an enthusiastic supporter of Douglas' recent performances) is relieved the character apparently won't croak, the cynic in me wonders if perhaps Y&R insiders are concealing that aspect of the storyline. Imagine the emotional impact of Abbott suffering a fatal heart attack immediately following the announcement of his sentence.

While I commend Douglas for his sensitive and believable portrayal of John Abbott all these years and acknowledge he'll be deeply missed, I must take his fellow actors to task for failing to give him a pre-nom for his compelling performances last year. It's nice that Douglas got an onset farewell shindig but his peers really blew it by denying this gem of an actor the recognition he so richly deserved before it was too late.

While kudos from this reporter are inadequate, I wish Douglas all the best and express the hope John's poor health will lead to an early release from the cellblock. All of Genoa City (particularly his screwed-up, immature middle-aged children and his flamboyant, lying, gold digging ditz of a bride) need the stabilizing influence of this class act as much as viewers appreciate him.

'I Killed Tom Fisher'

February 2, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

One of the nice things about Genoa City is the hospitality of its District Attorney's Office and Butcher Shop. If, say, you're the faux father of a woman suspected of murder and you're confined to the God Have Mercy Medical Center under strict orders by the doctor to rest and avoid stress, you can count on there being a white courtesy phone in your room so that you can call the DA over and over again on a matter of great urgency knowing too that once the DA has a stack of messages from you on his desk he'll personally come to the hospital for a visit. When the DA arrives don't be upset if it isn't Glenn Richards. When Richards isn't out questioning witnesses who have no firsthand knowledge of what your faux daughter may have done he's probably away on "special assignment."

In the event Richards is on assignment any pending cases he has are turned over to an assistant who, as Richards would, will respond immediately to any summons issued by a member of the suspect's family as DA Will Bardwell did late this week when he rushed to see what older than time John Abbott wanted thinking at first he would have to calm the geezer's nerves with regard to the worry Mrs. Carlton might be having as it pertains to Abbott's health.

Before the DA arrives it helps if your daughter, the one who has been throwing hissy fits and telling everyone how badly you need to avoid stress, stops by, finds you on the phone, scolds you for stressing out, but makes no attempt to have the phone taken away. Sure, you can tell your daughter there's no reason to worry, but you know how kids can be even if they weren't sired with your sperm, but then you wouldn't know that part - would you? You wouldn't, after all these years, have any idea that woman, offering to sacrifice herself to the Devil if only it would save you from living out the few years you have on this earth in prison, isn't your child because like Abbott, you're always the last to learn. While your own family keep the lie alive you wander around in a fog and in all likelihood will go to the grave you've one foot in never knowing.

But then, if you happen to be going along with another family lie, that really ugly one wherein you killed Tom Fisher but are allowing your daughter to ruin her life, not so much because you care for her but more so because of what it's doing to your granddaughter, there comes a point when you just have to tell the truth.

And so it came to pass on Thursday like a kidney stone trapped for days in the urinary track. John Abbott, who would have fallen on his knees like a choirboy before a gay priest if only his old bones weren't so brittle, confessed to Bardwell, "I killed Tom Fisher".

Killer Gets a Free Ride

January 30, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Using Mapquest I typed in the address of the Abbott Hotel and the address of the steak house where John Abbott shot Kevin Fisher and along with driving directions got the total mileage. 1.4 miles. That's not too long as the crow flies or to drive in a gas-guzzling SUV, but walk? Did Abbott really walk that far? Why, yes. He did! What old man just out of the hospital, with a bad hip to boot, walks that far? What young person, his or her belly full of greasy fast-food, walks anywhere besides in and out of the local greasy spoon?

Am I to believe Abbott would have walked that distance knowing he'd have to walk back? Was he thinking ahead and planning afterwards to walk to Jabot where he could probably get someone to drive him home? Not that it matters, it was Abbott's lucky day. After regaining his memory and the knowledge that he killed Tom Fisher, the geezer's son-in-law happened by to fill in the blanks.

Followed to the crime scene by his faux daughter Abbott didn't see Ashley Carlton. With Fisher dead, he dropped the gun, got into the family Buick and was speeding off to the police station to confess when he got into a wreck. Waking up later in the God Have Mercy Medical Center he had no recollection of what happened and like Carlton after her wreck, no concern for whomever he crashed into. What's important, what's always in the forefront, is how his irresponsibility might be explained away. For example, why are his wife and daughter lying to him? What would make them hope he'd never remember what happened that night and why would his 'beauty' take the fall when he's the guilty one?

What were they thinking? That he's too old for prison? Nobody's too old for prison. The nation's hell holes are full of old coots rotting and serving their time for such things as smoking marijuana. If they must pay their debts to society then surely it's the least a cold-blooded murderer can do. To hell with Carlton throwing herself on the sword, Abbott will be his own martyr. He will come forward and do the right thing and if she's as lucky as he is, Carlton won't be charged with hindering prosecution. She won't lose everything including the precious daughter she claims to care about but allows the child to cry herself asleep and be taunted by kids at school. Abbott's not buying the crap the Carlton did what she did because she cares more for him than her own flesh and blood and to that end Abbott says he's going to put a stop to the nonsense once and for all.

Only he can't just like he can't find a criminal defense lawyer in this godforsaken city. They're all gone. The nearest thing to a lawyer Abbott can find is Michael Baldwin. A divorce attorney at best, it's Baldwin's theory that a confession from Abbott won't make Carlton's legal problems go away. They'll only get worse because the cops will charge her with conspiracy - or something much worse than murder.

So what's Abbott to do? He's to play along. Keep up the pretense that he can't remember. He's to do this until Baldwin figures out what to as if whatever that turns out to be will make the cops forget what Carlton did. So what does Abbott do? He takes this outrageous advice! Oh, he knows better, but he gets a free ride home if he does.

Fear Factor Fizzles

January 4, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Against the backdrop of a leering son and a spiritually depraved faux daughter out on emergency bail in connection with the murder of a man her daddy so feared he purchased a handgun from an unscrupulous source to protect his family, cosmetics company founder John 'Yawn' Abbott emerged from a self-induced coma this week to say he doesn't remember anything about the car wreck.

Thought to have been fleeing the crime scene where Tom Fisher's lifeless body was found earlier, the same scene Ashley Abbott Carlton was found holding the smoking gun and standing over Fisher's body, investigators have yet to make the connection.

"Ah, we're not sure who's investigating this case or that it needs investigation. Wasn't it just a car crash? Doesn't Mr. Abbott have a lot of medical problems that might bring on a wreck? I don't see the connection," a police spokesgeek told reporters, some of whom were concerned there doesn't seem to be any police report. No determination at the scene as to whether Abbott was impaired at the time or, whether this time, Abbott's careless driving will be reported to the DMV and his license suspended until such time as the State's Health Officer determines Abbott's health presents no danger to the public.

For a geezer, Abbott's memory seemed to be working just fine. He recalled being home prior to the crash, the phone ringing, where he was when the phone rang and that he answered the phone. As for what happened beyond that Abbott said he had no knowledge and demanded to be told what he was doing as a patient at the God Have Mercy Medical Center.

Told by his son that he "cracked" up his car and that it was "no big deal", Abbott perked up a little. He seemed interested in whether innocent by-standers might have been injured, but showed no remorse for the Buick. Not just any Buick, the Abbott GoMobile was notorious in that it had been equipped with OnStar.

GHMC doctors report that despite Abbott's memory lapse he's expected to make a full recovery.

In a related development, Abbott's faux daughter and gigolo son-in-law were said to have pulled his granddaughter out of school early because of what happened. Brad and Ashley Carlton agreed too that the old man will be kept in the dark concerning the shooting and Mrs. Carlton's connection to it. Abbott's new wife, Gloria Fisher Abbott wasn't so sure, however. It'll be a cold day when anyone can pull the wool over Yawn's sunken eyes, she surmised only to get verbally hammered by Mrs. Carlton who made it clear, "I don't want him to hear about this except from me."

Confused, Mrs. Abbott wasn't getting it. Why was Mrs. Carlton saying these things? Why was she ordering people around and telling them that if Yawn "starts talking nonsense" to get him away from other people? Isn't Yawn always talking nonsense? Isn't he always drooling in a cup? And why was her step-son saying he'd make sure no reporters "or anyone" got near the old man?

Mrs. Abbott racked her brain. She rolled her head over and over and cocking it to one side listened for a moment to see if had the Sharon Newman rocks in her head ring to it. Gosh, Tom Fisher calls the house. Ashley and Yawn go speeding off to his location in separate cars, Tom is found shot, Ashley is arrested and still Gloria doesn't understand why Ashley wants the old man kept incommunicado?

A bloody likely story about as believable as Mr. and Mrs. Carlton pulling their daughter out of school. To tell Abby Carlton what and weren't they going to do this as parents? So why then did Brad pull Victoria Newman in to tell a small kid that her mother is a disgusting piece of shower drain gunk? Why did Abby have to keep telling them to just tell her already because she doesn't like missing school and please, stop being such babies; could you just get on with it?

As they were about to do just that Mrs. Carlton blew in to say she'll be playing the role of mommy today, took away Abby's hot chocolate and then told Abby that Tom is dead.

"I remember him. He was a nice man," was Abby's reaction until Mr. Carlton warned people may say her mommy had something to do with the death.

"Why is it that every time sperm goes missing, babies die, men die, my Mommy's name comes up?" Abby didn't ask, but you know how nice it would be if just once Abby would tell these idiot parents to leave her out of their perverted, insufferable, deception and duplicity.

The notion that little children must be told so that they'll ignore the nasty rumors spread at school by classmates and that evildoers only eat small babies is passé. It doesn't work anymore. The fear factor has run its course.

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