See Also: Colleen Carlton  Business News 

A Hacking We Will Go

November 30, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

The latest pathetic crime to happen in Genoa City, from what I can tell, goes something like this: To make it all so absurd, to make the remaining shred of credibility, not that I can think of what that is, so outlandish and silly and degrading and insulting to your mind, Kevin Fisher, arsonist, child molester, computer expert and coffee shop owner, will find a way into Jack Abbott's electronic banking files.

The purpose of why this happens must be to make us take note of Fisher's existence so that we can laugh and cringe and sit back and go, oh my freaking God these people have got to be kidding. Once this happens we can turn to our husbands and wives and significant others or the dog and say, hey Sweetie, check this out. Did you see the latest moronic event? Why don't we try that? Let's hack into our enemies computers and rifle through their banking records. Let's pick my mother's step-son for starters. Why? Silly. Did you forget?

Hasn't my mother been smacking herself in the face with a brick and whining that a major cosmetics company should be hers? Didn't mother get thrown out of her dead husband's home on her ass? Wasn't she bitching that she didn't have a pot to pee in and moved in with my brother and his wife although she continued drawing down a massive salary and should have filed for her husband's Social Security benefits but didn't?

Don't you know too that the evil step-daughter, my step-sister, can't stand that mother continues using her father's sir name when she herself has no right to use it either? Haven't you heard the rumor that mother's step-son owns the cosmetics company and that such ownership is prohibited by a court order? There is then, only one viable thing to do.

Hack into step-brother's bank account! Don't worry, I've done similar things like this and got away with it. I will by-pass the Quicken or MS Money passwords. Better still, I will know step-brother's password and user name.

I will find the suspicious transaction showing what may be the millions paid to that Mr. Kim Chee guy who laundered the money paid to Katherine Sterling for the company and had mother played her cards right she might own, as she rightfully should, the company today. This will all be done with a wink and a nod. Nobody will notice. The computer I'm accessing is at the Last National Bank and Trust. It's not a crime because, well, I do have the password and user name.

I will get the information needed to prove that slime owns the company and then mother will take her seat atop the high horse. Of course there is a good chance that by the time my mission is complete that blabby Abby kid will have overheard the truth. She, a mere child, will run to her real daddy to spread the word and make my committing another crime all for not. But that's the risk I'm willing to take. My mother deserves only the best. She was there for me when I needed her and I'll go to the end of the broom closet, I mean earth, if it'll make mother whole again.

See? See your reaction? You are like: No way. You are like: Am I for real? You are like: two wrongs make a right? Sweetie, I was doing wrong when I crawled out of mother's womb. I would venture to say I've gotten away with more crimes than anyone alive. Well, there is that Newman woman who had a body dumped into a sewer, but I'm damn close to becoming notorious. Who else would have the balls to put a young girl in a freezer and then set the place on fire?

So, are you ready? Let's get cracking! I mean, hacking!

The AVON Lady

November 21, 2006
by Kelley Farquhar

Strange doings are afoot at Jabot Cosmetics. The once mighty, family owned cosmetics corporation now privately owned and seemingly on life support, has long been dabbling in Internet sales. Recent activity on the company's site has some of the execs excited that the company might finally be turning around.

The recent hiring of Kevin Fisher to handle the ailing company's web presence, whom many in Genoa City knew only as a walking Petri dish of STDs and a sometimes bookkeeper, shocked many business insiders. Few knew that trolling the net for dates was equivalent to running a major retail website. Hell, if that's the case, they should let me loose at Amazon.

At any rate, Kevin, being the true momma's boy that he is, gave into Gloria Abbott's demands that he help her with her next 'big idea' to save her late husband's floundering empire. Never mind that the last time Glo got close to any product samples a woman died, she had Kevin put up an offer on the net for her new "Glo On The Go" fragrance. I wonder what that smells like. The scent of desperation, mixed with gardenia, maybe?

Thankfully, Kev is a whiz at this kind of stuff and the samples flew out the virtual door. Lord, how would you like to come home to this snake oil in your mailbox? It would be like expecting Chanel #5 and getting some of that Amway cologne my grandma used to wear. Since the samples were such a huge success (either that, or everyone who got a sample has died, and simply isn't around to complain), Momma Bug-Eyes Abbott marched right into the new head honcho's office and demanded that he move ahead with the project.

Well, what could Mr. Kim Chee do? If I had seen that tens, maybe dozens, of people flocked to my company's website for a free sample, I'd be all over it. Really, if you think about it, it's not Mr. Kim Chee's company anyway. He's just frontin' for Jack so he probably figures he can do or say just about whatever he likes and nobody will question it. What's that big baby Jack going to do, tell on him? If he does, Mr. Chee will expose the truth about Jack being the real owner of Jabot.

And so, there you are. Kevin passed out some samples of his mom's old-lady stink like candy at a fat kid convention and thus a new product was born. Anyone care to take bets on when Jabot files Chapter 11?

Asleep at the Jitter Joint

November 3, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

In the mail there was a message asking why there wasn't a GCN news item concerning Jitter Joint owner Kevin Fisher and the hot babe marking the first time in Genoa City history that Fisher has had sex with a female legally, JJ manager Jana Hawkes.

If there was any news value to what Kevin and Jana did it was that they not only had sex where people eat, but in plain view of a surveillance camera. But what, as a GCN reporter, could one make of this? What could be written beyond a paragraph or two? That there's nothing like the boss doing his employee? That's not news. Screwing at the office in commonplace in this god forsaken city. Business executives at Newman Enterprises and Jabot Cosmetics and the like have long done it atop desks. Not only that, they've done it and then eaten off the same desk without wiping the desk down. They've done it and not bothered to wash their hands or take showers.

Let's see, who said it? Didn't Victoria Carlton say sex is like a drug? Didn't she say they are so addicted they'll get it on anywhere, anytime? Or did Sharon Newman say that? Now there's an addict. With apologies to decent women everywhere, Sharon's a woman so craving a sex fix she'll do it with strange men who afterward mash her face into hamburger. Sharon will, and has, done it with men old enough to be her father. Sharon didn't get the Town's Biggest Slut title for nothing.

Victoria's not much better. She did a hunkmonkey on the eve of her marriage to Brad Carlton and he did it before their marriage with her sister-in-law.

I wouldn't be surprised if these people do it in their sleep. You've heard about the new medical condition - haven't you? It's called sleepsex. Sleepsex tends to affect love lives. It interrupts sleep patterns, messes the sheets and leaves those afflicted wondering who'll do the laundry. See the problem?

Apparently, some people say the sleeping person is often very demanding and often won't take no for an answer strange as it is, that saying no to someone who is asleep and naked and sitting on top of you while demanding some sort of penetration might be considered, you know, dumb.

Others say sleepsex is better when both parties are awake. Funny, unless it makes some sort of sense to say my lover is usually uptight about getting naked and having sex on a table, but when she's asleep she's a hot, horny mama.

Sleepsex hasn't hit Genoa City yet. Or has it? Are people here having sex at the drop of a hat and walking around in zombie-like states blaming themselves for the crisis of the week? Are old men taking Viagra or other "sexual enhancement" drugs with labels warning that if their erections have not gone down in four hours to seek medical help? Have Victor Newman and Jack Abbott been seen walking around with boners in their pants?

Ring-ring.

Sorry, Jack. I can't keep our tennis appointment. Something came up and it won't go down.

You know the freaks here will have to come up with some new excuse for why they do what they do, why they commit crimes and then worry what will happen if they go to prison, why the women have sex with multiple men and then wonder who the father of their baby is. Fuge state would be good. It's only be used once when creepy Christine 'Bug' Blair jumped out of bed and hopped into her Bug Mobile and drove for miles and miles and miles not at all realizing she was asleep yet knew exactly where to find the lake harbor where Izzy Brana was thought to have died only she wasn't dead and had lived for days on a small island draining blood from her veins.

Perhaps you saw the Bug on the road that night? She was the one making those sudden left turns from the far-right lane with her blinker on. She was the one who let a so-called doctor with no medical license to practice medicine in the United States pump experimental drugs down her gullet.

Some say Dru Winters does things in her sleep too which would explain how she was able to create a sassy interior design for her husband's jazz club a mere 12 hours before the club opened when it was but an empty shell 3 days earlier.

But you haven't heard the best part. There's such a thing as sleep marriage. No joke! You may have seen this. People are falling in love on the thinnest of emotional connections and then deciding to get married, all while completely asleep. Millions report waking up two, sometimes even 10 years later, only to say, what the hell? Who is this person? I must have been sleeping!

It's a Genoa City affliction bordering on tragedy. People here have long gotten themselves knocked up, popped out kids while entirely asleep, and then neglecting said kids and/or sending them off to rehab/fairy school while others develop hearing losses and gambling habits.

You can see the problem. Kevin and Jana were sleeping. They did not recall having installed a surveillance camera in their coffee shop to witness the strange goings on there or thought to turn it off or cover it up. Kevin would, and did later, say the camera is one of those high-tech jobs. It records digital images of which cannot be erased or destroyed or run over with a gas-guzzling SUV and thus may cause Jana to become beaten down with cheap dime-store fear for surely the images will fall into the wrong hands and be used against her as everyone knows having sex is wrong, wrong, wrong!

You get a sense then just how terrible this issue is. These, um, people, these things that make up Genoa City's elite have been going about for years marrying and screwing and committing crimes and whining and going into massive debt and gaining 50 pounds and buying special communication equipment for the hearing impaired all while completely asleep.

Hire the Handicapped!

June 26, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

My hair is on fire! My blood pressure is at the critical level. I am so pissed off I can't see straight. Somebody should sue Jabot Cosmetics! Charge that bitch Jill Abbott with discrimination - or something. I love Jill, I wanted her back in power, but not like this. Not when she just made the biggest mistake of her entire miserable life. Then again, I guess Jill could say she was fulfilling Jabot's obligation to hire the handicapped.

What in God's name was Jill thinking when she hired Kevin Fisher as Jabot's new webmaster? We all know Kevin is not qualified - period.

And as much as I can't stand that lying, sperm-stealing, baby-killing bitch Ashley Abbott, she at least had the good sense to know hiring Kevin was a mistake. Kevin and his followers can say Kevin has "changed" all they want, but Ashley knows he can't be trusted and should not be part of the Abbott family business. Not that she has any business being in the business because she's not a bonafide Abbott either, in this case Ashley was right. Simply put, Kevin is dangerous.

Nor can I understand all the BS Kevin went through trying to decide what to wear. He could have gone to the interview wearing a toga, dreadlocks, a beard and chanting like a Muslin priest and it wouldn't have mattered. Still, he needed Mommy's approval. Gloria Abbott-Fisher approved of her son's garb, but she didn't like that he wasn't wearing a tie. Jabot is, don't we know, a "renowned Midwest company". Employees and potential employees wear ties. This is what renowned companies do. They hire arsonists and child molesters and college-degree-less coffee shop owners with no experience to run their all-important websites. Kevin, his only contact with a website the one he designed for the Jitter Joint on which caffeine addicts can order lattes to go, and maybe MySpace.com where he trolls for young girls and the who-knows-where he is Scotty Grainger whom Kevin's penis once throbbed for, has big plans for Jabot. Who wants to bet that within a week sales of Jabot's toxic chemicals will be booming?

Speaking of which, assuming this job Kevin has been handed on a silver platter is full-time, who's gonna run the Jitter Joint? Can Kevin do both? God knows other members of the elite squad in this godforsaken city can. As we learned today, Sharon Newman is not only capable of doing whatever she does at Newman Enterprises, she's going to be working for NVP also! But that's another story.

Who else holds down two jobs? Of course! The hunkmonkey! Not only is J.T. Hellstrom a private eye, he's also head of Newman security! Then there's Paul Williams who not only is a PI, he runs a major alarm company out of a stinking broom closet and all with just two employees! Look, if you can stand it, at Victoria Carlton. She's co-CEO of her daddy's company again, some sort of art consultant and still has time to play tennis.

And since so many with so much money to last them twenty lifetimes need so many jobs, how about Gina Roma? Now that Gloria has told her that Kevin is too "smart" to be wasting his time in a restaurant, not that the Jitter Joint is a restaurant when it's a coffee shop unless selling muffins with those lattes make it a restaurant, Gina might keep her eye out to see if the JJ goes on the market. Of course, if Kevin was to sell the JJ he'd probably forget - he only owns half of it.

Whatever did I do with that 2x4 I used to carry around? If I knew I'd get it out and crack Jill over the head a few times for saying that not only is Kevin "enthusiastic", he's very "talented"! Talented? Shall we list Kevin's talents?

Oh, how I wished I could have seen those "options" Kevin presented for Jabot's website. His greatest design proposals drawn in crayon. HTML? Scripts? What the hell? I'd hire 4-year-old Abby Carlton before I'd hire this freak. What? Abby's twelve? Sixteen? My mistake. I'd still hire her over Kevin any day given his utter nonsensical idea of "networking" two laptops together so that one doesn't "overcrowd" the other or some such BS.

Note too, that as pissed off as I am, as slapped as my intelligence is, I've so far controlled my French. But if I hear Kevin say one more time that while former webmaster Phyllis Summers designed a "slick" website, but that he can do better, I'm gonna unleash a barrage of verbal atrocities on this nit wit that will make what happened at that Iraqi prison pale by comparison. For example: Kevin's plan to make it possible for Internet customers to track their orders and Jill thinking, what a concept!

How do I break it to these numbskulls? Phyllis, unbelievable a webmaster as she was, would have thought of that and had it in place long ago! It is one of the first things commercial websites do and have been doing since Al Gore invented the Internet!

Jill, you let me down. You ds7%^#ds6HH45#@fd02.............You hired that * -=CREEPY s- I hope you 7df DIE BITCH! I'm not //KILL//s\ I've never been so +/OUTRAGE....

Editor's note: Brent's wife tells us that while working on this article she heard him screaming and pounding on the wall. Mrs. Kellogg says this is not unusual when he's writing about Genoa City, but a prolonged period of silence gave her cause to check his office where she found Brent slumped over the desk. Fortunately, he will recover but was unable to complete the article.

Opportunity Knocks

June 19, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

When I first heard that Kevin Fisher was in line to become Jabot's newest Webmaster the opportunity of a lifetime jumped right out at me and said, "Hey! You've designed more than one webpage since you first got the Genoa City News on the web something like 22 years ago, why don't you apply?"

At first I thought, no way Jose! A big box toxic corporate giant like Jabot Cosmetics would never hire me - would they? If there was an opening, wouldn't it be out for competitive application? Wouldn't I need more than an Associates degree in Computer Science?

"By golly, you probably would," opportunity knocked, before asking, "So how does Kevin Fisher rate?"

It's like this I told opportunity. Kevin's mother is married to the geezer who founded Jabot. Yeah, that's the dude. John 'Yawn' Abbott. Yeah, the one who went to prison for killing Kevin's father in cold blood.

"But wouldn't Fisher hate the man who killed his father? Wouldn't Abbott hate Fisher? I mean, didn't Fisher try to kill Abbott's granddaughter?" opportunity knocked again on my head.

Yes, Kevin tried to fry Colleen Carlton. He locked her in a walk-in freezer and then set the RoadKill Cafe on fire. The place burned to the ground but the freezer stayed intact so that J.T. Hellstrom could save his girl and Colleen could go on to hate Kevin just like Yawn did until Kevin saved him. One day at the Abbott Hotel, Yawn was alone walking up the stairs opening mail with a letter opener when he fell down and stabbed himself. The wound was so bad Yawn could have died had not Kevin come into the hotel at that moment, when he'd been told to stay away from the place, and saved the day. Or, in this case, the geezer. Yawn never forgot, they bonded like father and son, Kevin was elated when Yawn later killed his abusive father, Tom Fisher, and before going to prison Yawn asked Kevin to keep on eye on things at Jabot in his absence. Of course, since Kevin bought the Jitter Joint and had been spending most of his time managing the place, he didn't have much time to watch Jabot. Now, because someone has, while whoever it is hasn't said as much, remembered that little detail, including Yawn who has received but one update from Kevin since then and didn't think to mention it during a visit today at the prison with Kevin's mother who pressed for Yawn's blessing to hire Kevin, there needs to be a way to get Kevin into Jabot.

Are you getting all this?

"Are you saying that this is another example of it's not what you know, but who you know?" opportunity knocked again.

That's exactly what I'm saying. Again, you have to be there when these conversations take place to fully appreciate the scope and depth as to how they justify hiring someone with no experience. Here, let me give you an example.

Yawn's faux daughter, you know Ashley Abbott is not his daughter - right? Good. Ashley told Phyllis today, "It take more skills to build a company than to change graphics on a web page" when it was Ashley who said hiring Phyllis back at Jabot would be good for the company because of her web skills. Ashley's implication, that Phyllis doesn't know her ass from a hole in the ground now that she's gone back to work for the Newmans, is laughable because Ashley is all for hiring the inexperienced Kevin. That is, until she started to flip-flop on the issue like she flip-flops on everything. Now Ashley isn't sure hiring Kevin is such a good idea. But you get my drift - right? Don't roll your eyes. I know, it's crazy that they would consider hiring Kevin regardless of who he's connected to, but that's how it's done here. No skills, no education, nothing but good ass-kissing experience is all it takes to get the most cherry of jobs. Ask most any member of the Newman family. Ask Brad Carlton how he got where he is today. Better yet, ask Jill Abbott. Here's a broad who screwed her way to the top and now she's so worn out she's got to go on the Internet looking for love. It's lunacy, I tell you. But getting back to Kevin.

Kevin just can't apply for a job in the mailroom or as a janitor and get his foot in the door like normal people. Because Gloria Fisher-Abbott is Kevin's mother there has to be this convoluted notion that Gloria wants a better life for poor Kevin who, don't forget, still has a ton of money from when he won the lottery. There has to be this premise that a coffee shop had to have a presence on the Internet and that Kevin after establishing that last week, showed Gloria a printout of jitterjoint.com. Gloria was so impressed she went straight to the CEO of Jabot and pitched Kevin for the job of webmaster since Jabot's previous webmaster, Phyllis Summers, left the firm so many times nobody wanted to fill the position and it has, apparently, been open since Summers last left.

True, Jabot is Wisconsin's version of AVON and real cosmetics companies like that, but in Genoa City when employees leave powerful positions, when they make claims of how important it is that they be on the net and that sales depend on it, there isn't always this immediate need to fill these important jobs. They remain open until whoever left before decides to come back or nepotism rears it's ugly head.

"You mean Kevin has no experience as a webpage designer?" opportunity knocked.

Hell, Kevin barely knew how to tie his own shoes before he bought the JJ. I'm not sure that he knows how now. Far as I do know, Kevin's only legitimate experience is that of a bookkeeper for the sleazy, now defunct, Marsino Meat Market and Strip Joint where fathers once watched their daughters strip and emulate having sex with metal poles. When Kevin wasn't cooking the books he was trying to fry Colleen or giving Lily Winters, a minor child, an STD.

"So, if this guy is so creepy, why is everyone in his corner now?" asked opportunity.

"That's easy. Kevin changed. He saw a shrink a few times and that was that. Ask anyone now, except maybe Colleen, and they'll tell you what a changed man Kevin is. I'm telling you. That's how it is in this city. You can be the Devil one day and God the next.

Belle of the Purity Ball

May 16, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

I must have missed the part where Mac Browning and Kevin Fisher had sex. Maybe I was too busy watching Nick Newman figuring out what to do with a woman's body and trying to distinguish between Phyllis Summers' erogenous zone and her elbow. I could have been counting the times Nick asked Sharon Newman if they can't just give their broken in a million pieces marriage another chance and their fraught with worry over what will happen to their son if Noah Newman discovers he may no longer have a family.

For all I know Mac and Kevin were never an item. To her credit, Mac never led Kevin on. She did arrange for Kevin to have his head shrunk which made it possible for Kevin, and others, to go around saying how Kevin had become a "changed" man and that they all should forget how Kevin tried to fry Colleen Carlton alive in a walk-in cooler at the RoadKill Cafe, how he burned the place down and gave Lily Winters an STD, but I don't remember when Mac told Kevin she wanted to do anything with him outside buying the Jitter Joint from the Newmans.

Seems to me, Kevin has always known Mac wanted J.T. Hellstrom. He knows Mac dropped J.T.'s baby on the floor of the God Have Mercy Medical Center and that the fetal life never had a chance to live. He knows too that Mac was going back to the Indian Reservation to listen to what the trees were whispering in her ear and he didn't have a problem with it. In fact, Kevin seemed happy. He was fully prepared and looking forward to running the JJ. He had employees in place to do the dirty work while he was off taking care of his mother and hacking into computers.

So what changed?

Now that Mac is back in Genoa City enroute to New Orleans, why is Kevin acting like she's leaving him in a lurch? Why is he near tears, sniffing snot through his nose and snapping like an angry alligator at Mac not to tell him how he feels? Isn't it a bit late for that? Shouldn't Kevin have told Mac he's in love with her before she returned to the reservation?

And why would Mac continue trusting the little rat? Why wouldn't she say, "Listen, you freak. I've lost my baby. I've lost my man. I've lost my head and I'm going back West to find myself. Unless the trees tell me where to look, I'm not sure how long it'll take. My other man, Billy Abbott, went to find himself and got so apparently lost he couldn't be bothered to come back before his father was sent to prison. Here's the deal. I want you to buy my share of the Jitter Joint. You've got all that lottery money so don't give me any crap you can't swing it. If you don't buy me out I'll find someone who will"?

Oh, no! Mac is content to let Kevin run the coffee shop while she remains its co-owner and gallivants through the streets of hurricane-ravaged New Orleans. Not a bad deal when you think about it. Kevin does all the work, Mac collects her share of the profits without lifting a finger. Kevin won't bitch about the business inequity because he'd do anything for Mac.

Voilà, the standard recipe for emotional, physical and spiritual catastrophe, for roughly 3 years from now when Mac returns again to find Kevin married to J.T. - or Scotty Grainger - given Kevin's propensity for young knave boys. Not that there's anything wrong with that, Kevin's a day late and instead of being sexually liberated, pines for a woman, if Mac can be considered a woman, who had sex with a hunkmonkey and to top it off lost the hunkmonkey's baby.

Which is another way of asking, doesn't Kevin have it backward? Shouldn't one's overall happiness be directly equated with a virgin? Why the infatuation in this city with used women? Why is Kevin's brother married to the had by every other man, or so it seems, Lauren Slutmore? What is there about Lauren that makes Michael Baldwin so horny? That she slept with Paul Williams and Brad Carlton and Dr. Scott Grainger just to name a few? Why has Brad been married to all the Abbott girls and if he had his druthers would have married Nikki Newman and just last week married Nikki's daughter, Victoria? Why does Brad crave the women Victor Newman has had and thrown away? Why does Nick still dream of Phyllis while he asks his wife for the umpteenth time if they can't try again to make their marriage work?

You already know the answer.

These are desperate times. These are desperate people. Sexual incompetence plagues Genoa City like a, um, plague. It infects everyone including but not limited to the children as evidenced by teenager Cassie Newman who so wanted to be like her slut mommy before her life was snuffed out. If his family is taken away, who is to say Noah won't be next to get married to the first girl that comes along before he's out of high school?

Wanton sexual stupidity, the all ensuing miseries, drug addictions, divorces, stresses, fetishes and online porn obsessions, Kevin would do well to sever whatever connection he thinks he has with Mac. He could, for that matter, attend a Purity Ball.

That's right, Purity Balls. Those creepy rituals taking place in places like Colorado Springs at which teenage girls take pledges that they will remain forever pure until given away by their daddies. It's true. Purity Balls are happening, right now. They teach that premarital sex is evil and that female sexuality must be repressed lest it tempt men to sin. Kevin should meet one of those girls. He should wait until she's ready to give her virginal self to him. Only then will Kevin know that whenever other men look at his woman they won't be thinking how good, or bad, she was in bed.

Kevin Fisher Goes to Prison

April 28, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Thank God it's Friday because it means that unless there is some other major development in Genoa City today, I only have to write one article about the strange and bizarre events here.

The one item foremost in my mind is Kevin Fisher's trek to the Walrus State Prison where he visited with his father-in-law, John 'Yawn' Abbott. Those who have lost touch with Genoa City, unlike those in the city who are out of touch with reality, those who gave up on this godforsaken place and its godless people long ago and are checking in with the GCN occasionally to see what's been shaking, might ask, "Are Kevin and Yawn on speaking terms?

Yes, they are. Despite the fact that Kevin tried to kill his granddaughter, despite that he was outraged to learn Kevin is his new wife's son, said he wanted nothing to do with Kevin and kicked Gloria Fisher to the curb briefly after catching her in a lie, Yawn has since welcomed Kevin with open arms.

It helped that Kevin saved the old geezer's life. Going up the stairs at the Abbott Hotel while opening mail with a letter opener, Yawn fell down and stabbed himself in the leg. The wound was so severe it was thought Yawn might die. But thanks to Kevin having stopped by to see his mother when he'd been told to stay away, Kevin was able to stop the bleeding and get Yawn to the hospital.

Now, Kevin and Yawn are such buds Yawn took him into his confidence just before going to prison for shooting Kevin's father to death. Oh, Kevin didn't mind that anyone would kill his dad, Tom Fisher was so evil he "deserved" to die.

Worried about whether his diaper-wearing adult children (Yawn has a pair of kids living for free under his roof just like Victor Newman) would respect Gloria's new role at the company he lost controlling interest in, and fearful Jack and Ashley Abbott might get bent when he gave Gloria his proxy at Jabot Cosmetics, Yawn whispered in Kevin's ear that he expected Kevin to keep him apprised.

Not really up to speed about what's happening at Jabot, Kevin is knowledgeable of the fact that his mother put cleaning solvent in one of Jabot's toxic skin screams which resulted in the death of one Emma Gibson who somehow got her hands on a sample of Glow Again and subsequently began glowing in the dark due to what was described as a "rash". Mrs. Gibson's husband, Andrew, has since filed a multi-million-dollar wrongful death suit against Jabot but whether he can win is suspect now that a private detective Jabot hired has discovered Mrs. Gibson suffered from food poisoning prior to using Glow Again and that she and her husband may be sue happy.

It would stand to reason then, that when Kevin reported to the old man for the first time, he might be forthcoming. That's assuming that anyone in Genoa City is ever forthcoming, which they're not.

Now, I've never been to Walrus State Prison, but I'm guessing it's far away, up the river so to speak, from Genoa City. With the cost of gasoline these days it's no surprise that for the most part Kevin wasted a trip. It helps to know that he and his brother recently hit the Lotto so Kevin has, like everyone in GC, money to burn. That too may explain why, within moments of getting a phone call from Yawn, who by the way knew the odds of finding Kevin at the hotel first thing in the morning were excellent even though Kevin supposedly runs a coffee shop, Kevin was at the prison. Does Kevin own a helicopter? Did he rent one? We may never know.

As it turned out Kevin's trip was, as we expected, all for not. Yawn merely told Kevin he wanted a report from the home front, was worried about Gloria and pleased to learn Kevin had moved into the hotel because, after all, Kevin is "part of my family."

You can't scold Kevin too much for not being straight with Yawn. I mean, he was rushed. He did have Mac Browning running the Jitter Joint for him, didn't he? No? Oh, that's right. Mac bailed out and lucky Kevin, he's got some manager running the place for him day and night so that he can take long trips to the State Prison just to hear what someone has to say that could have been said on the phone.

But we mustn't scold Kevin too much for not mentioning what his mother has done. I mean, who would ever stoop so low as to rat out their own parents?

A Kiss on the Lips

April 12, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

With all that didn't happen today in Genoa City I was going to take a pass on writing anything more than I already had for the day but something kept nagging at me. That something was the hissy fit J.T. Hellstrom threw. Sure, I know it's that time of the month and to be expected of a hunkmonkey strongly suspected of being a closet gay boy, but Christ, what's J.T.'s problem? So what if Kevin Fisher is moving out of the Sugar Shack they share? Didn't J.T. recently move back into the shack without notice? Hasn't he stuck it Kevin at every opportunity? And no, I don't mean in the way J.T. would probably like to stick it to Kevin.

Kevin's on a mission. He's got to protect his murdering mother now that Gloria Fisher-Abbott is up to her bug-eyes in crime. She killed Emma Gibson as surely as she applied "Ashley's cream" to the now dearly departed woman. That's what they call Glow Again. Cream, and not the kind Ashley stole from Victor Newman. Toxic cream. Goop that gives people nasty rashes and in at least one case, deadly rashes.

Noting that Kevin had his duffle bag packed along with a box full of junk and was heading for the door, J.T. asked if Kevin was moving out.

"You'd make a great PI," Kevin sneered, which was so damn funny considering that's what J.T. thinks, when he's not being a security expert or digging up dirt on his sweetheart's father, he is. Happy to see Kevin leaving, it suddenly dawned on the hunkmonkey he might have to pay the $2,000 monthly rent all by himself.

Kevin fired back that since J.T. has a job, since he's been checking alarm systems at Newman Enterprises and all, there's no reason J.T. shouldn't be able to cover it. Besides, Kevin said he's paid up until the 15th which is like, three days from now. Was there a problem?

Whining, as hunkmonkeys are so adept at doing, J.T. complained that Kevin could have at least given him some notice and then put away the green folder he'd been looking at. The folder, the dirt as it were on Brad Carlton, couldn't have change since J.T. last saw it, but nevertheless, he wanted to project himself as a man of importance. J.T. Hellstrom, private eye. Yes, it had a nice ring to it. Too bad J.T. doesn't have the wit or the license it takes to be a real PI.

Then J.T. sniveled about Kevin having drunk the last beer. Little bastard couldn't even restock the refrigerator before going, he strongly implied as Kevin noticed a CD floating around. The CD as it turns out belonged to former roomie Mac Browning. Pregnant with J.T.'s baby, Mac lost the kid, said it weren't no big deal, and when J.T. dumped her, moved out West to teach Indian kids on the reservation the fine art of having sex without a condom - or something.

Hearing Mac's name, it occurred to J.T. to take the CD to her only he didn't seem to know where. Was Mac living at the Chancellor Estate again? What reservation? Hell, couldn't she have at least said good-bye?

That's how it is with hunk monkeys. They find 'em, feel 'em, expletive deleted 'em and move on. Like Mac would say good-bye to the freak who dumped her within hours of having lost his baby? Like a bad zit, J.T. flicked Mac off his pointed head changing the topic to Kevin's new digs. Where or where was the firebug and sexual predator going? To his mother's place?

"Do Ashley and Jack [Abbott] know?" J.T. asked.

Not that it's any of J.T.'s damn business, Jack and Ashley don't have any say as to who Gloria wants living at the Abbott Hotel. As John Abbott's wife, Gloria trumps the toxic twins. If they don't like Kevin moving in they surely must know how to use the door although given their stupidity, it is questionable. When Kevin reminded J.T. that times are tough for the Abbotts and their toxic swill factory, J.T. perked up. Yeah, these be hard times. With that, J.T., again, so typical of a girlie boy, changed his tune. He wished Kevin luck, and poor Kevin, never knowing who to turn to when the rain sets in, thanked J.T. for his concern. The only think missing was a kiss on the lips as these two parted company.

Born to be Bad

January 27, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

There is this theory, more of a truism, tossed around by the prognosticators since Kevin Fisher was but a gleam in his father's eye. It goes like this: When our nasty habit of harsh judgment is ignored and people begin to get a little bit, you know, forgetful, there is always, as sure as there's a fat girl somewhere munching on Oreos, a desperate need to be ever-paranoid. As soon as people begin realizing Kevin hasn't changed, that he's as evil as the day is long, Kevin himself will start banging the drums of fear.

He did that twice this week. First, when he warned that if the girl he tried to kill won't forgive him like the others have he'll go back to the dark side, and again today when he told Lauren Fenmore that evildoing is in his blood.

Fenmore's reactive sneer at the idea it's Kevin's destiny to become another Tom Fisher was typical. Forgetting that he once held her hostage at gunpoint and scared the bejesus out of her, Fenmore told Kevin not to worry. The halo over his head is firmly in place.

Witness, won't you, the confluent forces, the conflicting culture represented by the amazing crusade sad-as-death Mac Browning has taken upon herself to convince the last holdout that Kevin has changed. Oh yes, we have a match. Do you see it?

Colleen Carlton won't accept Kevin's new persona. Kevin won't accept that Colleen won't accept so he must be evil. He must be proof of the existence of the devil himself and rekindling his relentless death wish is the Kevin people knew best, and while they won't admit it, loved.

Keeping Kevin locked in the smiley-stickered ironclad box of pro-conservative thinking for the next three years would serve no meaningful purpose. Genoa City has enough do-gooders kissing Victor Newman's ring and hugging John Abbott's old bones without Kevin falling in with their ilk. Kevin needs to have his rigid newfound ideology shattered by Colleen's emotional hammer. His Zenlike status as the kindly roll serving coffee shop owner doesn't fly. Living in a sugar shack with his stepbrother and business partner and her hunkmonkey may be something college students do, but Kevin ain't no school boy. When he looks around Kevin may realize it's true. He was born to be bad.

Why's Everybody Picking on Me?

January 24, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

I am so sick of everyone braying about how much Kevin Fisher has changed I may need to have part of my colon surgically removed. Hearing Fisher cry too that he can't understand why the girl he tried to kill still hates him doesn't help.

There he was Tuesday at the Jitter Joint bawling to his mother. He can't simply stay away from Colleen Carlton because they're part of the same family now. Colleen's hating that people have stopped hating him is such a personal affront. What did poor Kevin do to deserve such an insult? Next thing he knows Colleen will be turning her grandfather against him after he went and saved old man Abbott's life. The bitch will probably get him banned from the Abbott Hotel too. Here Kevin has been thinking that with his own father dead he won't have to face his past again, damn but what Colleen came back to throw it in his face. Doesn't she know? Hasn't everyone told her about the "new" Kevin? It's like there this "sick" link between then and lo, Kevin can't imagine why.

It's not like he tried frying Colleen to a crisp. He did, didn't he, put her on ice so to speak? What the hell is the problem? Can't Colleen see that someone else pushed her into the cooler that night at the RoadKill Cafe? One thing Kevin knows for sure though. If not everyone agrees he's changed the "terrible" side of him might turn to the light again and then they'll be sorry, the bastards.

The more Kevin changes the more he stays the same. The geezer can drool in his cup and say Kevin has, but he hasn't. Gloria Abbott, who sides with her son only because he enables her lying ways, can order Colleen to ask anyone whether Kevin has changed and justify what a good boy he is for saving step-daddy Abbott from bleeding to death, but that won't change the reality. Kevin is a freak.

Freaks like to think people will forget what they've done. They think they can have sex with minor children, burn down establishments people have poured their blood, sweat and tears into, try their hand at murder and people will forget. Except they don't forget unless they're as delusional as Kevin or think they are obligated to forgive because the freak just so happened to save their lives.

Thank God, Colleen hasn't forgotten. She has made the mistake of talking to Kevin and rightly considers anyone to have forgiven him to have lost their minds, but she refuses to believe Kevin has changed. That's her position this week. Knowing how easily people in Genoa City change their minds, it may not be her position tomorrow however. But at least for the time being she's being consistent even at the risk of causing grandpa to have another heart attack or stoke which can only be a good thing insomuch as Gloria used her husband's poor health as a weapon to beat Colleen over the head.

"Listen young lady [...] I want you to put aside your differences with my son for his sake and our family," Gloria prattled like a certain political party demanding the sheep forget its lies and rush to war for the sake of toeing the government line.

In her rush to remind Gloria what a despicable excuse she has for a son, Colleen made another blunder when she said Gloria knows as well as she does what Kevin did to her. Problem is: Gloria wasn't in Genoa City when Kevin was at his fire bugging best. All she knows is what Kevin told her which did not include the gory details of sex with Lily Winters or how he got off knowing he'd left Colleen to die in a burning building.

So why, why oh why, is everybody picking on Kevin?