See Also: Sheila Carter

The Crazy Bitch

October 26, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Well, well, well. Of all the people who need to know that Sheila Carter is dead, who do you think Lauren Fenmore Baldwin told today?

Phyllis Newman!

Let's see, why does Phyllis need to know this?

She doesn't need to know this.

But then, given that Lauren's husband used to pork Phyllis, maybe Phyllis does need to know. She probably needs to know too how often Lauren and her husband have sex or the due date of Lauren's next period or which nipple Lauren's new baby prefers sucking.

Oh hell, that's right. Before she got hit by a car, Sheila had plastic surgery to make her appear to look like Phyllis and now Lauren needs to know why Phyllis thinks Sheila would do such a thing. Phyllis might strain her brain. Yeah, who would want to look like me? Did Lauren's son Scotty have a thing for me? Considering how so many young boys fall for mother figures in this town it's a good possibility. But then, didn't Scotty have the hots for my son, or was that Kevin Fisher?

Gosh, Lauren, I appreciate being told, but there doesn't seem to be a connection, unless, hey, you aren't Sheila are you? Sheila didn't have some nip and tuck done after looking like me because she figured she'd be better off looking like you and not only get Scotty, the son she always wanted, in the process but a new baby and a man to boot - did she? Paul Williams said a DNA test was performed on that body they found in Argentina and it was Sheila? You believe anything that man says? Didn't he let Sheila get away the last time she hounded you? Did you ever think Williams might be in cahoots with Sheila? If you really are Lauren, hasn't he always wanted you? Didn't you two get it on right in the front window of that horror shop you own? What if Williams switched the test results? Believe me, it's easy. I've done some test switching in my day. Ask Danny Romalotti.

Nah, you look like the Lauren I've always known. Nobody can duplicate the bawling fear fits you have. Say, did you ever thing your husband could tell if we are who we say we are? Ask Michael to have sex with us. No, my new husband won't mind. Nick gets turned on by that sort of thing. Michael knows where all my beauty marks are. If you're really interested in knowing if I'm Sheila, ask for some proof. Ask Michael. Doesn't he know about the dead body? Wouldn't putting your greatest fear to rest be Michael's highest priority then? He hired J.T. Hellstrom to investigate further while he defends Dru Winters? Wow, I bet you feel safer already.

It came to Lauren in a Cassie/Noah Newman dream. There Phyllis was at the God Have Mercy Medical Center snatching her baby while Lauren snoozed nearby. Waking up to the horror, Lauren begged Phyllis not to eat Fen-fen, but Phyllis kept munching away smacking her lips in yum-yum fashion.

Waking up in real time, Lauren wasn't the least bit surprised to see Phyllis hovering over her. Gosh, I'm scared out of mind and this damn quack center won't post a guard outside the door. Excuse me for sweating like a pig; I was having a nightmare. Come to think of it, I am a nightmare. Why would I think you'd eat my baby when we both know Sheila is dead? Didn't Michael tell you about the plastic surgery? Oh, that's right. You were away on an elopement and had your phone turned off. Sheila was you before she died. I know, it's shocking. Isn't everything? Why can't I rest easy knowing Sheila is dead? Because, silly, I'm emotionally unstable; always have been. Turn the TV on and see for yourself. Switch, oops, bad word, go to the History Channel. It's on right now.

The Life and Times of Lauren Fenmore.

There I am being kidnapped. There I am being buried alive. There I am in an old farmhouse going up in flames. There I am on a boat in the South Seas. See the boat go boom? Ha, ha. Fooled 'ya. I made it out of there alive too. Yup, that's me again on the roof of that condom Michael and I live it. See me almost jump? There I am in another farmhouse. See how scared I am? See Sheila get away? Ain't I the crazy bitch?

Book Author Found Alive!

April 18, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

The mystery as to what happened to Lauren Fenmore-Baldwin's long, lost son, then found in Canada, then lost again when Scotty Grainger dropped off the Genoa City landscape with no explanation following the disappearance of Sheila Carter, was solved this week when the Little Shop of Horrors owner informed her husband that she spoke with Scotty on the telephone, told him he's going to have a new baby brother or sister and that Scotty was "thrilled" at the notion of having a sibling he may never see.

"He couldn't have been sweeter," Lauren actually said, totally unaware that there are those in this city who have seen a sweeter Scotty Grainger.

As Kevin Fisher's Sugar Shack roommate for a short time, Scotty and Kevin were thought to be going up on Breakback Mountain to, um, herd sheep when Scotty dropped out of sight. Kevin never mentioned this strange Nate Hastings/Keith Dennison phenomena and eventually stuck original shack renter J.T. Hellstrom with the entire $2000 monthly rental.

Once so pleased at the thought of having a ready-made family, Michael Baldwin was eager to be a step-dad to Scotty, but he too never asked any questions when Scotty stopped coming around the Baldwin condom.

"I'm the luckiest man on the planet," Baldwin exclaimed today as the thought of having a son of his own inflamed his greatest fear. Worried that he won't be the best damn father a kid could ever have, it isn't known whether Baldwin ever purchased the book "The Art of Child Abandonment".

Herself concerned that Baldwin doesn't know nearly as much as she does about parenting - which may explain why her babies get switched a birth and/or hidden in Canada, Lauren expressed doubts but said she and the father-to-be can either give into the fear here, or fight it over there, with positive thoughts to the contrary.

As to whatever happened to Scotty's book "One Stolen Heart", at last report Sheila Carter was reportedly having the name changed.

Department Store Magnate Found Alive, Remarkable Yarn

January 6, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Peek-a-boo! I see you! I half-way expected these would be the first words out of Paul Williams' twisted little mouth on Friday when, wonder of wonders, do miracles never cease, the defective private detective found, all by his lonesome, the missing and thought to be very dead, Lauren Fenmore. Not only that, he found the much wanted Sheila Carter too. 

Like so many of the cases Williams' puts himself on, it wasn't clear how this one would go down in the record books or whether the discovery of Fenmore and Carter at a remote farmhouse outside Genoa City was a fluke. Neighbors reporting lights on at night at the farmhouse didn't think it odd because the owners were away only until such time as quite by accident Williams reached one of the neighbors during a random search of real estate property. 

It's not clear, either, what if anything will happen to Ms. Carter as there is zero proof proving she had anything to do with the explosion of the boat Fenmore and her husband were honeymooning on and Fenmore's subsequent kidnapping. Tom Fisher, assumed to be Carter's partner in crime, was later shot dead and took to the grave with him all knowledge of Carter's involvement. In addition, had it not been for last minute heroic efforts by Carter to free Fenmore, the new bride could very well have died as when Williams found her, a natural gas leak had all but consumed her. Unfortunately, what is to become of Sheila may never be known as she is thought to have died helping Lauren escape when the farmhouse bomb shelter collapsed. 

Like so many who go through tragedies, inhale noxious fumes, have cuts and bruises, Fenmore refused all medical care. She was immediately returned to Genoa City and dropped at the Chapel of Love where husband Michael Baldwin was paying his final respects. In typical we're going to get on with our meaningless lives anyway fashion, Baldwin moaned and groaned how lucky he was to have had the town's biggest slut (before Sharon Newman) agree to marry little 'ole him. He beseeched the gods to tell him whether Lauren would have given him a second look back in the days when Michael Baldwin was as crooked as Lauren's front teeth and whether he would have been smart enough to fall in love with her knowing her reputation for screwing and marrying half the inhabitants of Genoa City. 

Alas, Michael was never happy until he met Lauren. Those days of romancing Christine 'Bug' Blair, Izzy Brana and having sex in his office with Phyllis Summers were nothing compared to the way Lauren changed him. Until he met Lauren nobody loved little Mikey. Thinking back about it now is so painful, so teary eyed and - let me check to make sure nobody's watching – (Ashley you bitch, don't rat me out) - I'm proud to say Lauren Fenmore loved me. How will I miss her smile? Her laugh? Her farts in bed at night? Her, oh Christ, what’s that noise? That thump, thump, like a flat tire rolling down the hall? Why, it's Lauren! Alive and well! Oh, thank God, no, thank Jesus, no, thank Paul Williams. No, thank Cassie Newman!

See Also: The Power of Redemption

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