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A Game of Cat & Mouse

December 4, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

I had no comment last week on the fact that Victor Newman has a senator in his back pocket. It is no surprise. All rich businessmen from the nation's business hub located in Wisconsin have politicians on strings. Powerful men like Newman can snap their fingers and certain land variances can be approved, or disapproved, depending on the need and how such variances will impact their enemies.

Enemies like Jack Abbott and Kim Chee can reveal their most closely guarded secrets and yet it would seem few people hear or remember. Chee and Abbott all but said that so long as Michael Baldwin doesn't find out, it doesn't matter that others know their secret.

Were Baldwin a real lawyer, had he told Paul Williams - the clueless, up to his ears in two murders too, PI - which he did, that Abbott gave Mesta a large amount of money prior to her death and that therefore makes Abbott a murder suspect, why has Baldwin not made the connection between Chee and Abbott and thus put Chee on his short list of suspects too?

Because it's up to Newman to bring Abbott down. It is written in stone that in the year 2007 it is Newman's turn to get the upper hand in his life-long battle with Abbott. The difference this time is that the battle has a new name.

Called "Cat-and-mouse", Victor is reportedly a smart enough man to know he cannot let his doubts about Abbott be made public. Never mind that the great man had told his wife, or that Nikki Newman has been known to run off at the mouth, while Newman openly questions Abbott's behavior, he cannot let Abbott know despite that Abbott is watching Newman like a rat watches cheese.

Abbott is said to be "hyper-vigilant", but you'd never know it. As he observes Chee and Newman having chats, he does not worry much about telling his favorite sister who's who at Jabot Cosmetics.

You aren't supposed to know this. You are expected to sit back and wonder: Will Newman manage to trip up the tricky schemer Abbott? Or will Abbott continue to blind Victor with smoke and mirrors? Or, will these unlikely friends once again return to their previous relationship as fierce foes? Will what goes around come around so that the next time it comes around you will sit on pins and needles? Will you lose sleep at night trying to figure it all out? If you can't wait that long you can pick up the new CBS issue of Soaps In Depth.

You can shell out $4.50 and still not know just like you don't know what makes Dru Winters think she can call the dean of a college. You may think that if Mesta could pickup the phone and ask Will Bardwell to speed up a trial anything is possible. But really, try it some time. See if you can get past the switchboard.

See the Children of the Corn while you're at it. Notice the similarity between Genoa City teenagers Daniel and Lily Romalotti? Notice how it was okay for Daniel to punch out a college student because the student "had it coming?" Notice how much this is like those who say that Mesta deserved to die? Notice how Phyllis Newman scolded her boy for getting into a fight and then praised him for defending his sissy friend?

Notice how Neil and Dru Winters were worried that their yet to be legally adopted son had to have his battle fought by their daughter's husband and Lily Romalotti said it was the right thing to do because the "jerk deserved it"? Notice how this caused Neil and Dru to flip-flop and hiss that no "bully" is going to get away with calling their son a murderer and Dru has a good mind to call the dean?

Notice how Devon Hamilton went into spoiled baby mode and said he ain't going back to school? Notice how he does this whenever the wind doesn't blow the way he wants it to blow? Notice too that each time the kid pulls this stunt Neil and Dru fall on their knees and beg Hamilton to reverse course?

See what an idiot Hamilton is to think he can get a degree online and that the college will give him full credit because he's a black sheep; the kid everyone picks on; and therefore he should be given special privileges; and that potential employers outside Genoa City won't laugh when he waves a degree from Genoa City University at them that wouldn't get him a job flipping burgers at McDonald's?

This begging of Hamilton each time he throws a tantrum has grown old. Were he age three, it might slide a few times, but this kid is supposed to be eighteen. He's supposed to be an adult making his way in the world on his own. But look! Hamilton continues sucking on mommy's teat; he lives with his adopted sister and her recently wed husband for Christ's sake!

Not that Mrs. Winters is much older. Under court order to attend anger management and general head-shrinking therapy, the evil bitch, spewing concern for Hamilton's welfare and recent arrest for murder, couldn't be bothered to stick around for a meeting with the kid's lawyer! She did avoid meeting with the shrink long enough to hear the chief persecutor propose a plea agreement though. Thanks to the very nice Will Bardwell, all the Winters need do to reduce Hamilton's time behind bars is testify against him!

The Winters said they'd do anything. But when told they are "morally" responsible for their adult son's criminal acts, they backed down albeit with some confusion. What does their attorney think? Baldwin, no a defense lawyer he, was non-committal. He actually said the Winters should do what they "feel" is right so they refused the deal and then turned right around to ask if they had done the right thing.

As if that wasn't credible, Baldwin said that as a lawyer - he couldn't say!

So what in the hell are the Winters paying this freak for if he can't give them legal advise?

I'd have sworn this was the dumbest thing I ever did hear, only it wasn't. Dumber things have happened. Take for instance Hamilton asking Romalotti where he learned to punch a guy in the nose? Oh, sweetie, don't you know? I learned from my mommy. The reality is, he didn't have any choice. Romalotti doesn't have a daddy. He didn't have a male role model to look up to as a child which could explain why, for the most part, he's always been, and it appears he'll always be, a sissy; a mouse for the fat cats to toy with.

Return of the Hate Beast

November 27, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Correction...
After this article was published GCN historical expert Michael Kelly confirmed what one GCN reader pointed out: When Brittney Hodges departed Genoa City last year with her baby, she moved to New York to live with her parents who had already preceded her, and apparently where they are living together happily ever after.

With Thanksgiving gone for another year it's time to get back to what they call "normal" living in Genoa City. Forget feeding the homeless, renamed "needy" this year so as not to make homelessness sound like something tragic, or to cause some to ask why, in the richest nation on earth are there still homeless, it's time to get back to the name calling and back-stabbing and general hatred this city is so known for.

Forget too that Daniel Romalotti, and his mother, did not once mention Danny Romalotti this Thanksgiving. Ignore the fact that the washed-up rock star did not call his "son" or send a greeting card or an email, Danny isn't Daniel's biological daddy so why should he have done any of those things and vice-versa?

Why should Phyllis Summers Newman mention her former husband either? Why should Phyllis recall that she still has a father out there someone who might have wanted to hear from her? For that matter, did Gina Roma contact brother Danny? Who did she spend the holiday with? Her former RoadKill Cafe customers?

Why should Victor Newman Jr. have wanted to hear from his biological father? He didn't, presumably because Hopeless Adams doesn't want the kid knowing that Victor Newman is her child's father. Can't blame her, really. Victor, for all his giving thanks on Turkey Day, didn't mention the son he's seen once or twice.

And what of the creepy Christine 'Bug' Blair? Why wasn't she heard from on Thanksgiving? Isn't Daniel like the son she never had? Why didn't she call him? Why didn't she call Paul 'Clueless' Williams? Why didn't Williams call her, or the son he dumped in Los Angeles? Why didn't he call his father in Virginia? Wouldn't Carl Williams have liked to hear from his son? What about the clueless detective's daughter, Heather Lynch?

What about Mary Williams? Did the old hag fall off the face of the earth? Was Mary in Italy visiting the Pope? Was Mary staying with Lynne 'Yes-Boss' Bassett? Shouldn't Clueless have called his loyal puppy dog secretary of so many years?

For her sudden need to feed the needy this year, why didn't Dru Winters contact her sister? Surely she could afford a call to Olivia Winters in London. While she was at it she could have said hello to Nate Hastings. And what of the Winters' parents? Did either daughter call or send a card?

What of Neil Winters' parents? Why does he never mention them? What about his half-brother? Malfunction Winters must be out there somewhere. Sure, there's bad blood because Malfunction is the biological daddy of Neil's daughter, but good lord. It was was Thanksgiving - wasn't it?

What about the Winters' adopted son? Couldn't Devon Hamilton have called his biological mother he claimed once to love so much? Couldn't Yolanda Hamilton have called him? Wouldn't she like to know that her son has a pair of new ears?

Strange too, for Jill Abbott's fussing and feuding again with her mother about having run Billy Abbott out of town, why didn't Jill contact Billy? Why didn't he call her? Why didn't Judge Arthur Hendricks call Katherine Sterling or daughter Jill? Why didn't they call the judge? What happened to Katherine's son, Brock Reynolds, or her darling granddaughter, Mac Browning? Did Mac call her father? Did Brock call Mac? Did Mac call her mother? Where is Amanda Hunnicutt?

For Sharon Newman's recalling how much she misses dead daughter Cassie and lamenting she couldn't be with her son Noah, why didn't Sharon contract her mother, Boris Collins?

What in the hell is wrong with these people? They profess to be so family oriented, but when it comes to Thanksgiving they forget those they should be closest to.

What happened to Fred and Anita Hodges? Did they hear from daughter Britney?

What of the Guittierez family? Did Adela and Vicente hear from their sons Raul and Diego?

Does Chancellor Mausoleum slave Ether Valentine not have family? Is that why she spent the day feeding the needy? How do the needy eat when it's not Thanksgiving or Christmas? Shouldn't we know these things?

Is there only a certain amount of thanks to go around? Did the well of human gratitude run dry? Did the needy who couldn't get into the Jitter Joint and Athletic Supporter Club huddle together like starving immigrants, blankly stare at the sky and say, "Oh my God please kill us now"?

Remember when Genoa City wasn't like this? Neither do I. Like so many GCN readers, my brain protects me from the horror of reality. When it's not Thanksgiving or Christmas, like Genoa City's elite and well-connected, I don't think much about the poor. But I do remember this: Thanks are at an all-time low. No one felt a shred of gratitude for the dead Emma Gibson. Thought to have been poisoned by Gloria Abbott, Emma's death, that her family had little to be thankful for this holiday, was of zero concern to Mrs. Abbott or the owners of Jabot Cosmetics.

That her wanna be lover, and brother of the boy she killed, is dead, Nikki Newman made no effort to visit Bobby Marsino's grave. For all anyone knows, Nikki doesn't know where the grave is - much less visit it.

With their faux concern for the less fortunate brief as it was, the rich put on a good show. Then concern packed its bags and vanished like a pesky case of epilepsy or nasty STD. It's understandable. I mean, who besides the most bitter could stare into the gnarled face of the leering, ready to be unleashed for another year, hate beast and say, oh my goodness yes, thank you for what you are about to do. Thank you for the imminent misery and divisiveness and general embarrassment? No one, that's who.

And yet even during these darkest of days, even after the deathly opening of the Winters' jazz club following which the owners of said club did not return and it was thought to have closed, surprise, surprise, the club goes on! No, really, it does. Amber Moore, a songbird, a newcomer to our fair city, will be opening there by week's end. Never you mind that Neil and/or Dru Winters have not shown their ugly faces at the club since Carmen Mesta's death, thank someone for keeping the Indigo open and booking only the best musical talent.

Thank Daniel too. Why?

If not for Daniel attending his wife's wannabe lover's college classes and taking notes while Devon Hamilton was absent nursing a hearing loss and subsequent arrest for Mesta's murder, Devon might not have been able to get his new ears following which it would seem he'll be returning to Genoa City University too.

How do we know this?

Because in the coming daze Daniel will defend sweet thang from those awful students who make fun of the handicapped. With his new ears, Devon cannot apparently hear the slurs or stickup for himself. A sissy white boy must do that for him as though they both were still in grade school.

In other words, we are to offer, always and without reservation, thanks for these new twists on an old theme no matter how ugly and similar to the old twists they may be. Like Leanna Love, arriving soon in the big city for all of two days to ask pressing questions of which her closed-circuit cable show viewers can't get answers to anywhere else, the hate beast, having taken a backseat for Thanksgiving, has returned.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

November 14, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

By Genoa City law, I am compelled to come up with at least two top stories of the day for the GCN. Okay, I made the law part up, but given this is the city with one of the strangest judicial systems known to man, I wouldn't be surprised if there isn't some law somewhere in the dusty GC law books.

Yes, I covered the latest developments in the Mesta Murder case, but what can you write about a Mickey Mouse photo shoot put on by one Phyllis Summers Newman that hasn't been written before and centered around two aging whores each thinking they are God's gift to men? Phyllis had one thing right, however. Sex does sell. Sharon on the other hand, got it wrong when she said she's not a body and face without brains. Honey, you ain't had a brain of your own in ten years. Before you married Nick Newman, sweetie, you shared a brain with your mother. By the way, Sharon. Where is Boris Collins? How come you haven't been running to her to cry your tears every five minutes? Does sucking Dru Winters' ass give you more pleasure?

Other than yet another pointless photo session designed as nothing than a plot device, this time for the Newman and Abbott whores to squabble, the other story today was that Victor Newman is onto what a weasel, or as the GCN has dubbed as the city's first disposal douche, Jack Abbott is.

Yes folks, for about the 1,456,913th time, Victor has said that Jack is going down big time which brings me to a letter the GCN received this week from David Ryan in Ontario, Canada.

David is sick and tired or being sick and tired. David wrote, "I'm so tired of this Victor and Jack merry-go-round and yet here we go again. Victor screws Jack. Jack seeks revenge and twenty years later Nikki is still going to wonder why on earth she could not see this coming as she now has no Victor to cuddle in front of the fire."

David adds that the lack of detail surrounding the Jack/Victor wars "is so terrible I can't stand to watch Y&R anymore" and he's been watching for thirty years which is almost as long as I've been reporting on these nitwits. David wonders too if the actors playing the roles "question why they come to work" given the shallow plot lines.

My guess, David, is no. When I was in the Army the first thing I learned is this: Yours is not to question why; yours is to do or die and collect a government paycheck each month for an amount just under what a hamburger flipper makes at McDonalds. Obviously, the actor's salaries are much larger which is all the more reason for them to keep their mouths shut. Speaking of which, there's that old adage: Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

And yes, David, we feel your pain. In fact, some of us have had the pain for so longer we've been put on morphine. Try it yourself. Visit your doctor, tell him or her you've been watching for as long as you have and chances are good the doctor won't hesitate to write you a prescription, While you're at it, you might ask the doctor to write Jack a script for two testicles, but that might be stretching it a bit.

Oh, and David, when you ask if the Powers that Be at Y&R "take the good majority of their fans as idiots that will follow them down any dark path", you hit the nail right on the head. Sorry to say, many fans, GCN readers not withstanding, think the Flintstones is a documentary on prehistoric times when man and dinosaurs roamed the earth together. So you see, TPTB have been profiting from the vast majority of ignorance for so long and getting away with it, we intelligent beings who have come along since have only the GCN to turn to when it comes to what really happened on any given day in Genoa City.

As I've written many times before, as the Winters and Devon Hamilton going before a judge within minutes of their detainment to ask that they be allowed to leave town is but one example, for you to actually subject yourself to watching these antics should be as an adjunct to the morphine. Laugher is the best medicine.

Oh What Fun It Is

November 9, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

I see and hear similar complaints all the time. My wife had her church lady friends over the other night and as I passed through the living room on my way to take a pee (full disclosure) they stopped me to ask for an update on the goings on in Genoa City.

The first thing out of my mouth was Carmen Mesta's murder and the associated legal blunders. A legal secretary, one lady howled when I mentioned the crime scene having been re-opened and the prime suspect allowed to paw around looking for evidence.

"Nothing has changed in Genoa City, has it?" the lady asserted, as did others as I spoke of a never-ending, can't get over Sheila Carter, Lauren Baldwin, Billy Abbott, Devon Hamilton and the other boobs who make up the elite in this city.

Always sure to come during discussions about Genoa City is why I do it. Why do I subject myself to such nonsense to the point of writing about it five days a week. My reply is always the same: So that when ladies like these ask what's going on - because they stopped watching long ago - I can bring them up to speed and so that those who don't watch that often can keep up. Besides, I enjoy doing it. I get my kicks and lots of laughs.

Sure, it gets frustrating. The blunders and impossibilities can be overwhelming. Just once I'd like to see a crime case not fall apart from the outset. I'd like to see J.T. Hellstrom's private detective license. I'd like to meet one person outside the Newman family who ever invested in Newman Enterprises. Ditto for Jabot Cosmetics. For that matter I'd like to see the Jabot Lab or the NVP lab. Who, besides Ashley and Gloria Abbott concoct all those skunk oil products? Who, besides Emma Gibson, has died from using such toxic products and why hasn't Jabot been sued out of existence? Who, in India, has the need for a wellness spa like NVP is said to be?

I also get to read mail like this from the same person who wrote to correct me on Scotty Grainger's relationship to the Baldwins. The writer, who did not give his/her name, couldn't understand.

"The Fishers, especially Kevin, did all sort of evil things and did not even get investigated or was released after getting attacked in jail. His mother and brother were not even given a slap on the hand. However Dru's Family have all been charged for murder no less."

Kevin was investigated. Hank Weber and Paul Williams interrogated Kevin and stomped all over his rights. But Kevin was redeemed. He became a "changed" man and went right back to his evil ways hacking into computers and the like. Kevin's mother killed Mrs. Gibson. It hasn't been proved, the case was mostly forgotten, the DA, or whatever Will Bardwell is, said he's going to reopen the case, but as far as anyone knows Will is too bogged down with the high profile Mesta murder. Bardwell needs time. Wait until he maybe gets Gloria in bed and in a fit of ecstasy she screams out that she killed Gibson.

As of this writing the entire Winters clan has not been charged with murder. They are suspects. True, in today's America there's a fine distinction. They all are subject to being detained and held without bail and not allowed to speak with a lawyer without their conversations listened in on and evidence against them not shared, but they remain free.

The email writer also asks, "Is there a problem we do not know about or one family means more than the other? The Winters [seem to be] going through so much turmoil."

Dear Writer, you seem to be a newcomer to our fine city. It's merely the Winters' time of the year. This family must, like clockwork, like they have for going on a good two years, be embroiled in turmoil. If it's not their ignorant daughter getting into some mess, it's their dippy adopted son. If it's not Mrs. Winters urging her sister to give a married man the best "F" he's ever had, it's Mr. Winters becoming a falling down drunk who later opens his own bar/nightclub.

And like all crisis, this one will end with the Winters coming out smelling like a rose. They will, mark those history book words, praise themselves for sticking together. They will celebrate and say how they knew all along everything would be okay. They are Winters. They are family.

As for the email writer's question: "Can there be real justice in Genoa?" the answer is no. Injustice thrives here. As we've seen, being sent to prison doesn't solve anything. Those who have served more than a day are released within a year. They develop medical problems. They are well-connected to the Governor who hands out pardons like 10% off coupons at the Little Shop of Horrors. If there was justice, Ashley Abbott and Sharon Newman and [fill in the blank] would be dead. If there was justice more than half the elite in this city would be in prison with no possibility of parole for any reason and where would the fun be in that?

Doctor My Eyes!

October 3, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

There are times when I'll walk around the house muttering to myself. Have you ever done it? Did the dog bark and look at you funny? Late last week after watching the first ever episode of Nip/Tuck - which I am hooked on now that I've seen what those plastic surgeons got themselves into - I asked myself why can't Genoa City be like that?

Myself answered back that Nip/Tuck can be a believable soap of sorts because it airs only once each week and only thirteen times per season. N/T has the time to make sure there are no glaring errors and so far, other than the kid who performed a circumcise on himself, I can't find anything unbelievable about N/T. The more I thought about the kid even that had a ring of believability as I can only presume there are teenagers who think being circumcised is the "natural" way to go when medical evidence suggests otherwise and a majority of kids are not circumcised and don't want to be.

Then it hit me: instead of so many medical maladies, many of which are rare, why not have one of the teens in Genoa City obsessing over his penis? Instead of Devon Hamilton in lust with his adopted sister, why not have him meet a girl who, after checking his penis out, turns her nose up at it hinting she'd much prefer he cut the foreskin? Why not have Devon then go on the Internet to find a do-it-yourself circumcision website? The kids in this city are always looking on the net for something anyway. Any why not, after botching the operation, Devon has a real doctor perform the operation and when he goes back to give the girl the good news finds her in bed with another woman?

Wouldn't that be more realistic than what we're seeing now?

Without rehashing the Devon's got meningitis saga too much, I've always said that whenever medical ailments surface in Genoa City they are almost always flawed. From the outset Devon's situation was no different. The doctor's were all booked? Dru Winters couldn't get her boy in for his shots, but her daughter did? Did all the other students get their shots too? You mean to tell me Colleen Carlton and Billy Abbott got theirs? If someone must die, and the odds of Devon dying are about one in a billion, Dru is asking why God doesn't take her in Devon's place? If it's not Dru blaming herself it's Devon's sister blaming herself for what happened? Will Neil Winters be blaming himself next?

Suddenly too we learn that Devon lives for his music, and now he can't hear and oh Lord, what will become of him and soon he'll be up and around demanding he be allowed to go back to school and will there be Public Service Announcements praising closed-captioning without which Devon couldn't watch TV like he ever watches TV?

On Nip/Tuck, when the cutters are threatened with a ten million dollar lawsuit, they freak. That much money would doom their business. But in Genoa City, a failed, sued its corporate ass off a gazillion times, Jabot Cosmetics merely continues taking out loans and continually bounces back. Upon his death, we learn that Jabot founder John 'Yawn' Abbott had all that time been sandbagging millions. He had the money to save Jabot but let it drift to the edge of bankruptcy?

The believers of this crap tell us it's very real. Yawn would never, like what happened on N/T, offer to sex up whatever old ladies might have been suing him or foreclosing on Jabot or whatever it took to get the creditors off his back. Ashley Abbott would never do the same for the men after Jabot. Not that I'd blame the men, but surely there has to be something more realistic than Jack Abbott fighting again for Jabot like this is a company anyone would want after what its been through. Oh, but we're told it's a "family" thing. Jack is doing it to save his father's integrity.

My Uncle told me long ago, "cut your losses." If the farm is dragging you down, sell it and start over anew! When my uncle's 500-head dairy farm that had been in the family for years went belly-up, the family didn't fuss and fight. They sold it and bought a smaller, more profitable farm which served them well through their retirement.

That's all I'm saying. Instead of these bizarre, would never happen to the average family or business in a million years, events, why not something more believable like having Devon become self-conscious of that mole above his lip? Instead of Colleen Carlton worried about her fat ass, she, her daddy being so rich, has the old man pop for a tummy tuck. Katherine Sterling, the owner of major corporation, actually employs a corporate lawyer to handle her business dealings instead of an all-purpose one; the same one everyone turns to on matters of divorce to criminal defense. Just for the fun of it, Paul Williams could visit his son in Los Angeles and realizing the damage he's done, bring Ricky Carl home and raise him like a normal kid and thus satisfy the notion that children in Genoa City are so precious.

See? A nip here, a tuck there, and before you know it - doctor my eyes - Genoa City could be a part of the real world.

As Good As It Gets

September 4, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Big news. Lynn Marie Latham has been appointed executive producer of Y&R. It's big because not only is Latham the top scribe, she's the boss lady too! She rides herd over scribes Kay Alden and Jack Smith despite that Alden and Smith hold the head scribe title too.

And as this news circulates we hear again what a fantastic job Latham is doing as if anything really changed because when Alden and Smith were running the show they were doing "terrific" jobs unless there is a difference between fantastic and terrific.

Don't forget either, that like Smith and Alden, Latham is a juggler. She manages "compelling and emotional" stories like, oh, let's see, Sharon Newman having her annual mental breakdown. Like Noah Newman having his monthly fit that the only family he's ever known is falling apart; that he can't stand living with his mother all of a sudden and that awful woman his daddy had sex with turned out to be really "cool" after all.

And like Victor Newman coming down with epilepsy which went south so fast the Epileptic Foundation quickly backed away from its glowing support. Like Ashley Carlton's breast cancer, like Raul Guitterez's diabetes, Christine 'Bug' Blair's fuge state and Luan Volein's mystery disease and the many unknown and "rare" diseases before that, this is as good as compelling drama gets.

Compelling, as in Brad Carlton marrying his daughter's aunt. Passionate, like Dru and Neil Winters going through another marriage collapse. Thrilling, like John 'Yawn' Abbott and Cassie Newman coming back from the dead. Amazing, like Lily Winters completing Summer School without setting foot in a classroom for we are to assume she went to class. We must believe Lily had time for this and a million other things during the summer months to such degree that she graduated high school with an A- in Physics and still managed to hold down a job at the Little Shop of Horrors.

We merely accept at face value that Kevin Fisher would be given a high-ranking job at Jabot Cosmetics for which he is not qualified and at which he has not spent more than an hour and not one person at Jabot has noticed. We will accept when Kevin's mother, Gloria Abbott, says she wants a better position at Jabot and a raise when she does nothing at the company other than taint already toxic chemical products of which woman die from having applied it to their skin. We will forget when Gloria's crime is ignored like when we forgot Nick Newman got away with covering up evidence in a crime case.

We will rejoice and fall on our knees when Cassie Newman and John Abbott come back to life. We will say these things happen and be glad they aren't happening to us, or in the case of seeing the dead or winning the lottery or getting fancy jobs or having luxurious homes and never having to worry about getting to the job on time if at all, and when we do spend most of our time in the break room or having sex in the elevator, wish they would.

Yes, let there be no doubt. Latham is "a consummate storyteller." Her yarns go from yellow legal tablets to the screen. Her talent and heart grace every aspect of Genoa City's history. In just the short time Latham has been chief cook and bottle washer she has created "meaningful and engaging" sagas unlike anything we've seen.

Moreover, with Latham as executive producer, we will be "richly rewarded" with more unbelievable crap even a monkey would know better than to write. Ah, but who are we to be critical? Who are we who have had our intelligence insulted so many times we've stopped counting?

We are not the sheep. We are not the dutiful kiss-ass TV Guide reporters who put in writing words like "refreshingly faster paced and fascinating" to describe the current swill Latham dishes out each day. We must not forget that Latham wrote Knots Landing for six seasons and produced that show for three seasons or that she was top scribe at Port Charles for two years. We must conclude that if all soap operas were written by such "gifted" people as Latham surely is, "daytime would be a brighter place."

Oh, I know, it's blasphemy to slap back when we're being slapped, but don't you feel better for at least trying to counter the imbalance?

What Genoa City Needs

August 17, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Sitting around, waiting for old man Abbott to kick the bucket and hoping the Nazis will stuff George Kaplan, Victoria Carlton and J.T. Hellstrom in that shipping container and turn on the gas, and thinking about what a majority of GCN readers are saying about the lack of credibility in Genoa City, it occurred to me that what this city needs when things are getting absurd is a go-to couple.

A stable, middle-class couple like, let's say Carl Williams and his wife. An older man and woman semi or fully retired who aren't looking for their parents or lost children. Or maybe J.T. Hellstrom's parents who aren't rich or opening a line of health spas and when we see them occasionally their one bitch is that their son never calls or visits.

These couples would be devoid of the problems plagued by their younger counterparts. They wouldn't be cheating on each other, having babies out of wedlock, going on magical mystery tours to Kansas, dumping bodies in sewers, running from Nazis, tainting cosmetics, emulating sex with metal poles, looking for hunkmonkeys to be surrogate daddies to their babies or mixed up in any way with the mob.

They wouldn't have slaves to prepare their meals or raise their kids or need alarm systems in their homes although there would be some fear that when they go on the Internet someone may be reading their email, tracking what sites they visit and trying to steal their identity.

They would be worried about making unnecessary trips to the store. They would complain about the high cost of gasoline and worry that Social Security may be going broke. They would balance their checkbooks and grumble about the cost of healthcare and that as they age need more and more prescription drugs they can't afford.

Just common folks with common problems, these people wouldn't be confronted with a new crisis each month beyond trying to make ends meet. They wouldn't have to be entirely boring either as normal day-to-day life is often more interesting than made for TV crap such as returning from the dead a hundred times, showing up in the city after remaining in hiding for years to see one's overly protective mother and then disappearing without mother thinking too much about it. There wouldn't be confessed killers being released from prison merely because they are sick after serving just six months of a seven year sentence.

If John Q. Public was to discover he had epilepsy he wouldn't be able to snap his fingers and have a doctor appear at his feet. He would have to make an appointment like other peasants and then only after carefully considering his financial situation and whether or not he had health insurance. In the event medication was prescribed Mr. Public would absolutely follow doctor's orders and substitute the medication with aspirin. If the side effects included visions of bright light and voices in his head, Mr. Public would never think of operating a motor vehicle or traveling to far away places seeking advice from from wives. Mr. Public would, most likely, discuss these problems with his current wife.

In the event Mr. Public felt his life was coming to an end, he might too discuss with his wife drawing up a living will and making it clear to Mrs. Public he doesn't want a machine breathing for him. If Mr. Public was still working, he would also have to consider how his disease affects his ability to work and worry too that his employer might terminate him which, without an income, would bring about new problems. In the event Mr. Public's wife was working too and had to put in more hours to compensate for the loss of income so as to pay the horrendous medical bills, the stress could result in her illness and subsequent loss of income too.

And then what would they do? How do common people without fortunes and dysfunctional families cope with such matters? Why is it that reality of any disease, be it epilepsy or breast cancer or drug abuse, isn't compelling when it happens to the poor and middle-class, but is somehow more exciting and dramatic when rich people deal with it? What is thrilling about anything the rich do when, for those in Genoa City, they always deal with such things in the same old tired ways?

When Ashley Carlton was saying - after the Tom Fisher ordeal - that she and those she conspired with never should have taken the law in their own hands, why a few months later is Ashley's former husband and his crew of saviors taking the law into their own hands? Why, once George Kaplan et al, have saved Sharon Newman, will they too say something similar? How many times must the same dialog be regurgitated before it becomes obsolete and laughable?

There is no question those of us observing these redundant plots need a few laughs, but wouldn't it be nice to have a go-to couple we can watch to see how they deal with real life circumstances?

Just asking...

The Deeper They Dig

August 11, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

What does it say when the only person you can discuss your troubled marriage with is the man who first had sex with your wife? That you are gay or at least have feelings for certain persons of the same sex? Not that there's anything wrong with being gay, there is something wrong when Daniel Romalotti must cry on Kevin Fisher's shoulder now that spoiled brat Lily Winters Romalotti has left her husband of six months.

That's one of the many problems in Genoa City. The elite here don't have real friends and the rare one or two they claim to have can't be trusted. Any number of scenarios bare this out. Quick! Name one male friend Brad Carlton has. Or Victor Newman, or Jack Abbott, or Neil Winters. They have none. They don't go golfing or to the club with the guys or borrow tools from their neighbors. They have a hard enough time keeping a positive relationship going with members of their own families much less start a friendship with some stranger or acquaintance.

Most of these elite are so messed up they know nothing of their own parents. If it's not Victor looking for his father, it's Brad hiding from his past, it's Jill Abbott looking for her father and after finding Arthur Hendricks flicked him off like so much unwanted belly button lint. There's Nina Webster who looked for her daddy for a few days and unable to locate him, simply gave up. And now, after so many years have passed, simply because he's having a baby which will so need to know its grandparents, Michael Baldwin is off on a journey to find his father. God only knows what a checkered past Lowell Baldwin lived that even Baldwin's mother has objected to turning over that rock.

Then there are those who know their parents, know where their unwanted babies have been stashed, yet want nothing to do with them. Paul 'Clueless' Williams is a good example. His mother nowhere to be seen recently, Clueless rarely mentions Mary Williams. He isn't having sauerkraut and spare ribs delivered to his office, because, well, for the best of the best of private detectives in this city, he doesn't have an office! He operates out of Baldwin's broom closet and then rarely seen there. Clueless has a father living with another woman in Virginia. Does Clueless ever visit or call Carl Williams? Has Clueless ever been back to Los Angeles where he stashed the son he so wanted to take fishing? Does Clueless ever call his daughter Heather?

What about Clueless' protégé? Recently kidnapped and released by Nazis, do J.T. Hellstrom's parents know what their boy is up to? Have Mr. and Mrs. Hellstrom ever called J.T. or visited Genoa City? There are so many inconsistencies when it comes to these people who claim to have such family values it numbs the mind. What happened to Nikki Newman? Isn't she aware that her son and daughter are in over the heads trying to save her kidnapped daughter-in-law she sent her grandson to Nevada? With all the phone calls being made, why hasn't Nikki called Nick to be sure he's okay? Why hasn't Phyllis Summers called her boyfriend to say she's safe in California? How long does it take to reach the Left Coast from Wisconsin? If Nick was so concerned the Nazis might get Phyllis he ordered her to leave town, why hasn't Nick expressed any concern about his missing father? Because Victor Newman is the great man? That nobody, not even desert fox Chet, can scare Victor? Why, if there was so much concern for Phyllis, wasn't her son ordered to leave town too?

If the Nazis knew about Phyllis, wouldn't they know too of Daniel? If the Nazis can just walk into Newman Enterprises without being challenged by security, wouldn't they have noticed how important Daniel is, maybe seen him chatting with the big wigs and kidnapped him just to be safe? They kidnapped J.T. so what's one more kidnapping? Funny thing, that J.T. snatch.

Snatch is the operative word, but think back for a moment. If the Nazis had planned to kidnap anyone, why didn't they start with Brad's family? Why not snatch Colleen or Abby Carlton? Why take J.T. and then let him go unless, you think, they just wanted some snatch? J.T.'s like that. Squirly that he is, I bet J.T. would have done anything to save his sorry ass including bending over for the boys. Didn't the Nazis say they let J.T. go because he had served his purpose? I bet J.T. was happy to be of service.

I know, Daniel declined to leave because he had to play out his part in this lost lovers skit and if he and Lily aren't back together in say, two weeks, I will be shocked. It doesn't matter that Daniel has only Lily's first sex partner to turn to because Kevin is a changed man. That's how this city is. Your wife screwed by your best and only friend? No problem. Cheated on your wife with her best friend? No problem. Married your daughter's Aunt? No problem.

For the Genoa City privileged, it's like diving into a dumpster. The deeper they dig the worse the smell.

Why They Laugh

July 26, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

It is like some sort of virus. Some sort of rash on the face of a city named Genoa that makes its average citizens embarrassed to be seen in public and so they sit there day after day, waiting for it to go away, smearing on ointment and yet still it lingers. Everyone I know has had enough. The lady who cuts my hair, the clerk at the corner store, they all ask; "Is it safe to go out?" Will sleeper cells kidnap me? Will they tie me up until I offer to buy them beer? Will those rich people standing in line to get married this week be standing in the divorce line next week? Will Noah Newman run away? Will Cassie Newman come back to save her family? Wasn't she watching over everyone? Isn't there a shrine at the Jitter Joint where the troubled can pray to Cassie for divine intervention? What the hell went wrong and will it ever stop?"

There is a threshold of disgust, a point where the mind resigns itself to the pain and the commoners try to laugh to block it out, but it keeps on coming. There is for example, Gloria Fisher-Abbott. Her adult son unable to change his own diapers. Kevin Fisher, being blackmailed and passing out money like it grows on trees and getting nothing in return but demands for more money, needs Gloria's help putting an end to the boogeyman known only as Alex. Alex claims to have proof that may cause Lily Winters-Romalotti to end her short marriage to Daniel Romalotti if she finds out that Daniel worked hand in glove with Kevin to arrange a deal with Alex whereas Kevin would be made out as a hero and not the sexual predator who had sex with Lily when she was but a minor child which to a certain degree she still is. While Lily is Daniel's wife, the burden of coming up with the money to keep Alex quiet is not on Daniel. Kevin, a "changed" man, has more to lose and thus Gloria, directly responsible for a woman's death, must now devise a plan to dig her worm of a son out of another another hole.

Along with the other criminal suspects in Genoa City, having their bankers deliver huge sums of money to their offices which is later hauled around in briefcases and paper bags for apparent crime payments, there are clueless private eyes tripping over their own feet and getting themselves kidnapped. There are the girlfriends of said PI's injecting themselves into the alleged investigations as any and all interested parties are welcomed to join the fray only to often find themselves victims too.

And then there are the many elite marriages and divorces. Women who say they will do anything to save their marriages are screwing the husbands of their relatives and vice-versa. Women who find out that while they were screwing, their husbands were screwing and making new babies to follow in their footsteps, whimper and whine to people who constantly use them that it was all for the best and now, thank God, they are free to follow their lovers to the ends of the earth.

Masters of deceit and treachery and betrayal, the whores and fornicators and criminals and spoiled rotten kids and never really worked a day in their meaningless lives people of Genoa City repeat this cycle time and again. It is an endless loop of shaking heads and heavy sighing. They are, in a word, disgusting. Their staunchly conservative appearances as business leaders, role models and pillars of the community are a ruse. A mask on the face of God-fearing family values, the atrocities, the outright arrogance and ignorance and please, please believe J.T. Hellstrom is a private detective, cheapen the city.

The trashy moral behavior has become such an embarrassment the store clerk and the hair stylist won't watch it. Instead, they ask me to fill them in and then laughing, say how sorry they are for me that I haven't found better things to do with my time.

Family Values

April 17, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Don't you just love those zealots that profess family values and are often the first to break every commandment written on those stones Moses brought down from the mount? Adultery and crime and perversion and dishonor thy mother and father run rampant in Genoa City, but I don't think I've ever seen so much of it in one day. Like today for example.

How many times has Victor Newman been burned by Phyllis Summers? How often has he given her a plush job at Newman Enterprises only to have her quit on him and/or get fired and beg him to take her back? Why can't the great man understand this is not a woman to be trusted? Why did it take learning that she's been doing his son to make Victor kick her ass out again?

If Victor had any doubt Phyllis is slimy, her you-can't-fire-me attitude on Monday should have given him a clue. Sure, he can't fire her because technically she doesn't work for him, but until today she had an office in his building. For Phyllis to imply that she's indispensable to Victor's wife's wellness spa project, and therefore can't be made to leave the building, was like Noah telling God to build his own ark.

And for Phyllis to say that Victor is taking her home-wrecking abilities personal, and that he of all people should know about screwing around, was all the more reason Victor should have had security show her the door. What Victor has done in the past is none of Phyllis' damn business.

The questions now are many. Will Victor make sure Phyllis can't get back into the building? Will Nikki Newman come to Phyllis' aid? Nikki, while she was sympathetic to Sharon's sob story, gave the impression business comes before family. What of Phyllis' son? Will Daniel Romalotti give up his sweet job in the NE mailroom simply because Victor stuck a knife in his mother's back? Given that Daniel has said Phyllis has lost him again, it wouldn't seem likely.

Along with the so-called importance of family, we often hear these days about the "Me" generation too. Colleen Carlton, despite all her father has done for her, despite what a spoiled bitch she is parading around proclaiming herself to be an adult, but not old enough to drink booze legally in Wisconsin, the sniper nevertheless threatened Brad Carlton. If he doesn't accept that she's rocking again with J.T. Hellstrom she'll disown Brad. How's that for gratitude?

How is it that the hunkmonkey will use Colleen to his advantage? It's easy to see that J.T.'s first loyalty is to climbing the corporate ladder. He's got a job to do for Victor and by God if it means sticking it to Colleen you can be sure he will. J.T. has, to his credit, already starting poking Colleen and not the way she'd like to be poked. Curious as to why Colleen knows nothing about her grandparents on Brad's side of the family, something this reporter has already questioned, J.T. asked Colleen if she doesn't find it just a bit strange.

"He doesn't like to talk about his past," Colleen replied, as if it's perfectly normal for people not to mention their parents and relatives.

Brad's other daughter, the fake one, is learning early what a messed up family she has. Except in Abby Carlton's case, she's picked up on the fact it's better to keep her mouth shut - for a price. Perturbed that her "daddy" is getting married again, Abby nearly hurled at the thought of having to call Victoria Newman "mommy" until she was told she could be a flower girl at the wedding and if she's really good, the adults will shower her with expensive gifts. Abby too has never once asked why she doesn't have a grandmother or grandfather Carlton. Now we see why. This kid may not be as dumb as all the others.

Lastly on today's list of family values there's Michael Baldwin who told his mother she's on her own as it pertains to the crime of involuntary manslaughter. If Gloria Abbott is ever charged that's what she should be charged with. Hey! Who knew putting cleaning solvent in a Jabot cosmetics product would make it more toxic than it already was?

Michael said today he's the one who will be in trouble if he doesn't rat Gloria out. It's all about him and what he's got to lose if you consider losing a marriage to Lauren Fenmore any great loss. So from here on out Gloria is on her own. Michael has officially thrown her to the wolves. Thank God for that too. Otherwise, Michael would be ranting for weeks how he could lose his license to practice law.

And there too was poor Gloria whining how she's been "abandoned" by her own son. Maybe now she'll know what it's like. Maybe she'll know how Kevin Fisher felt those nights she left him locked in the closet while she went out for lobster dinner with Tom Fisher.

Ah, that happy mish-mashed messed-up hodgepodgey cocktail of myths and folklore and propaganda and who's-your-daddy reproaches intermixed with lovely stories of redemption and hope and, oh yes, sin and hellfire and death. Family values. Don't you love it?

If I Had a Hammer

February 16, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Note: This article was corrected to show that Nick didn't send Phyllis flowers.

"The protruding nail gets hammered" is an old Japanese proverb often used to remind what might be termed drones not to get too far out of the main stream. This notion of getting hammered struck me as intriguing in that I'd like to apply it to some of the rich and privileged residents of Genoa City. Besides wanting to be the one wielding the hammer, pounding a few of the protruding nails would give me a chance to comment on some of the events this week that had little news value.

For example, I'd like to hammer Nick Newman for wasting so much gasoline when he made the one hour trip from the Newman Ponderosa into town just so he could be on hand at Phyllis Summer's apartment when flowers Jack Abbott ordered for her on Valentine's Day were delivered. Nick's timing couldn't have been better. Hammer Nick again for developing a case of jealousy where Jack is concerned. Hasn't he heard that the Abbott family is going through a crisis? Where's his compassion? While others are dripping with empathy Nick's got an erection for Jack because he's seeking comfort in the arms of his former wife? Is this any way to treat the man who played daddy to Nick while his own father ignored him?

Hammer Victor Newman too for giving his "diamond in the rough" wife a bag of uncut diamonds much the way a peasant gives his wife a bag of bagels.

Hammer Nikki Newman for cooing how it was so "Victor Newman" of the great man and promised to have a "one of a kind" something made of the jewels to celebrate the grand opening of her wellness spas.

Hammer Victoria Newman for whining that her family is picking on her for taking up with Brad Carlton and then saying how much being with family on Valentine's Day meant to her.

In their own way the commoners living in this city are getting hammered every day. Newman slave Miguel Rodriquez was on duty at the Ponderosa awaiting his cue to serve dinner. The menu was thought to include caviar; rack of lamb and vegetables for the main course; and, for dessert, baked camembert and a puff pastry called "The Lovebirds" accompanied by champagne.

But others couldn't afford to purchase so much as a box of chocolates for their valentines they were automatically spared the nightmare of shopping at Fenmore's Little Shop of Horrors. Seemingly the only store in a city dubbed the "mini-megalopolis", the rich flocked to the little shop in droves including its owner, Lauren Fenmore.

Down in the dumps, worried about what will happen should her husband go to prison for crimes against humanity, Fenmore's demeanor had completely changed. Diving deep within the bowels of the shop she emerged with a mini-Christmas tree complete with lights and a stack of Valentine gifts as hubby Michael Baldwin hummed a tune commonly heard on New Year's Eve. Somewhat confused at first the fog over Baldwin lifted when he learned that since Christmas and New Year's had been so rudely interrupted by one of those pesky tragedies that plague this city so, his new bride had decided to wrap three holy days into one.

"This is the day we start over for the rest of our lives," Fenmore said sternly, as if this time she really meant it and nothing bad shall ever happen to them again even though it will and thus these two nitwits should be hammered too.

Also at the shop, hunkmonkey J.T. Hellstrom was looking around for a trinket the new babe in his life might like while the old one stood by asking if she might make a few suggestions. Flicking Colleen Carlton off like annoying ear hair Hellstrom, said he'd already been by the shop a number of times and seen so many things toady Mac Browning would love. This scene, this act of devotion deserving of a good hammering, brought back memories for Carlton. She recalled the night at the Jitter Joint Hellstrom had swung down from the monkey bars to sing a song and was spotted by a Surfside record talent scout in search of new talent. That night changed their lives as Hellstrom became an overnight rock star and got to meet washed up rock star Danny Romalotti. One hit record and about two weeks later Hellstrom threw his career away and went on to become a junior private eye when Carlton left him - and town.

"I guess we weren't meant to be together," Hellstrom summed up, as Carlton questioned the implication that he and Browning are when he's so "Laguna Beach" and Browning is so "Little House on the Prairie."

Hammer Paul Williams for telling Ashley Carlton that maybe this time, when daddy Abbott is rotting in a prison, she'll learn not to get her ass in trouble.

Hammer Jack Abbott for blaming the whole thing on Gloria Abbott. Sure, Gloria is out to save her meal ticket, but she didn't make Tom Fisher come to Genoa City and she sure as hell didn't make Ashley get involved with him.

Lastly, hammer Gina Roma for letting two teenagers swap spit and grope each other in a public place, for telling Nick she hasn't seen Noah Newman in "ages" and for telling Jack to say hello to the old man for her. If Gina would get off her fat ass and out of that roadkill she manages she might see Noah, not that he'd know who she is. And if she had any concern for John Abbott she could have told him in person during one of his many hospital stays.

Oh, if only I had a hammer. I'd hammer in the morning, I'd hammer in the evening, I'd hammer... well, you get the point.

Stertorous
STUR-tuh-ruhs

February 13, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Stertorous, that's what today in Genoa City is. I can't recall a Monday so characterized by a heavy snoring sound. There is the update on the Tom Fisher murder case, but even that took only six paragraphs to wrap-up. There is too the fact that Victor Newman somehow managed to have Jack Abbott's injunction against his wife's wellness spa idea squashed, but no details as to how that came about. Was the judge who authorized the injunction sanctioned? Was the judge kicked off the bench for daring to suppress free thought or for being a Nazi? Ruling that American citizens cannot even think about engaging in free enterprise may be acceptable in a totalitarian and fascist country, but not here in Genoa City or anywhere in the United States for that matter.

And then there's co-spa entrepreneur Phyllis Summers saying she's totally surprised to learn there was one of those infamous non-compete clauses in the contract she signed with Jabot Cosmetics. As such she wouldn't be able to work with Nikki Newman on the spa idea had Newman not got the injunction set aside. That the items, a contract violation and an injunction, are two separate entities does not matter.

"I'm such an idiot!" Summers exclaimed, and correctly so for not reading the contract before signing it and for trusting Jack Abbott who arranged to have the contract drawn up when she knew Abbott was out to protect his own interests. Again, that Abbott screwed her doesn't matter. Summers said today that when she gets the knife out of her back she'll consider forgiving him.

See the problem here? It's rampant in this town. People let themselves get raked over the coals, stuck in the back, trashed and bashed and then go back for more. Newman is among those people. While Abbott is doing all he can to prevent Mrs. Newman's dream from coming true, while Mr. Newman can't stand "Jack Abbott", he told Summers not to go gunning for him because the Abbott family is going through another crisis.

What's that the GCN has said to describe the bubble these nutjobs live in? Bizzaro World? What the hell does Newman care about the Abbott family? Why does he keep bending over and begging Abbott to poke him good?

Then there's those crazy teens. Talk about stertorous. Devon Hamilton doing homework at the Jitter Joint where he is supposedly employed. When's the last time Devon worked? What employer allows employees to study at the workplace? What school kid wants to study in a noisy environment? What kid just out of reform school would risk going back? Why is Lily Winters so high on Daniel Romalotti and why would Colleen Carlton offer to keep her secret? Why does Carlton see a similarity to Romeo and Juliet and why would she agree to be dating Romalotti as part of Winter's deception to keep the truth from coming out?

Because this is the prelude to another Summer with the greasy, zit-infested Glow Worms except, of course, without the glow. They're just worms now slithering around and swapping spit.

The biggest worm isn't so much a worm as he is a hunkmonkey. J.T. Hellstrom, who earns his living by pretending to be a junior PI, but who hasn't done much detecting and isn't working with his boss on what Paul Williams has said to be a "high profile" case, sits around the lair strumming on a guitar as his latest babe, the ugly Mac Browning, coos, "Written any new songs lately?"

Songs? Like maybe a Valentine's Day song just for her? It is their first anniversary as a couple. It was a year ago when J.T. dumped the girl he said he'd always love and the moment Colleen was gone played daddy to Brittany Marsino's baby while putting the pork to Mac inside a tent in the backyard of her grandmother's estate. But there's always been this suspicion that deep down J.T. is a closet gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it would be nice if J.T. would just come out. It would validate his thumbing through Vogue magazine and when caught say he was looking for a Valentine's gift idea for Mac.

Nothing is as stertorous than a woman who thinks it's okay to have sex with a married man but won't make her engagement to the man public because he's still married even though publicly, everyone knows about them. Not an hour after breaking off the engagement Victoria Newman was waffling. She understands that Brad Carlton doesn't want to ruin his wife's chances of getting acquitted on a murder charge because he's such a caring person. Victoria's father knows what a slime Brad is, her mother knows it's weird that seemingly every man she's wanted is one that Nikki Newman wanted and in Brad's case almost married, and yet for all their whining Nikki and Victor are content not get involved with their adult children's affairs all the while remaining deeply involved.

If stertorous can be used to describe all the events listed above, if has to describe what Brad said today. After telling Victoria that they can't announce their engagement, that he can't divorce his wife, damn but what he wasn't telling Sharon Newman that he's going to do his best to get Victoria to change her mind.

Memo to Brad: Please find enclosed a quarter. Call someone who gives a damn.

So, if you learned nothing else today, if you wasted another hour watching the guttersnipes mentioned in this article, you did learn the meaning of stertorous.

Genoa City Crazy as Ever!

February 8, 2006
GCN Staff Report

Taken separately the following three headlines have little news value.

Lauren Fenmore to testify at Abbott trial.
Probation officer sends delinquent birthday card.
Snow cancels Chicago flights.

When put together the headlines make a powerful statement, however.

Genoa City Crazy as Ever!

The attorney for self-confessed killer Ashley Abbott revealed for the first time Wednesday that should Abbott go to trial his wife will testify on her behalf. Department Store heiress Lauren Fenmore is expected to support Abbott's contention that she was a stalking victim and therefore had a right to shoot Tom Fisher in self-defense. Herself one of Fisher's many victims, since regaining her freedom Fenmore has repeatedly said publicly that Fisher saved her life. How this will help Abbott is unclear as other than being related to Abbott, Fenmore has never had anything good to say about the woman.

Probation-parole officer and one woman adoption agency representative Lorena Davis stunned the unwanted children community this week when it was reported she allegedly sent a birthday card to the one kid who gave her the most headaches.

"I know about being an unwanted kid dealing with the juvenile justice system. Believe me when I say no matter how good or bad you are, no matter that you turned eighteen and were set free from any number of state-run kennels for throwaway kids, the last thing those brown shirts would do is to send you a card on your birthday," says GCN reporter Brent Kellogg.

A Google search of the last reported flight delays or cancellations in and out of Chicago's O'hare airport due to snow was on January 15, 2006. That little factoid didn't stop Newman Enterprises Cosmetics Division spokesgeek Sharon Newman from swearing today that her flight out of Genoa City to Chicago was cancelled for that reason.

"Chicago got snowed in," Newman said.

Known for its ability to fly passengers anywhere at anytime with less than an hour notice, We Fly You Anywhere Airlines could not be reached for comment.

Outstanding Achievement

January 27, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

The scene: Writers Guild of America Headquarters

The players: Jack Viola and Marge Simpleton, Nominating Committee Chairpersons

The Goal: Nominate a soap opera for Outstanding Achievement in TV Writing.

"Know what Marge? We've examined some damn fine creative writing as soaps go, but I can't make up my mind."

"Right you are, Jack. Picking a nominee in this category was so much easier when we weren't looking for creativity."

"I got an idea, Marge. What if we give the nomination to the soap with originality."

"Originality, Jack? You mean something that hasn't been done before?"

"Yeah. Look in that plastic bag next to you. Pull out a script synopsis. Read something at random."

"Okay, Jack. Here's one. Business tycoon heir falls in love with mother of boy who indirectly caused the death of his daughter."

"Um, I don't know. Hasn't that been done before? Original. We need something original."

"How's this, Jack? Woman thought dead turns up alive; taunts mother of baby she thought should have been hers."

"Oh, yes. That could be it. Read on, Marge."

"Woman makes four attempts on mother's life, fails each time before going on to save mother's life then escapes certain death."

"Damn. Too predictable. What else?"

"Never before published, young Canadian author has first book snatched up by Doubleday then forgets he wrote book."

"Hey! We're getting close. Give me another one like that, Marge."

"Caucasian teenager who clandestinely communicates with interned African-American girl through Internet loses connection."

"Good Lord, now were getting somewhere."

"I need to pee, Jack."

"Not now, Marge. Read on."

"Private Eye scolds protégé for invading privacy then illegally tracks credit card usage of unsuspecting card holder."

"That's juicy. Give me more!"

"You'll love this, Jack. "Restless District Attorney interviews people with no knowledge of crime he's investigating."

"Yikes! This is getting good! One more Marge and I think we've got a winner!"

"Rich, skinny women feast on bacon and eggs while working on plan to open chain of wellness spas."

"See, Marge? Didn't I tell you? To hell with creativity. This is what I call outstanding writing. Flip over the card. Who wrote that stuff?"

"It says... Jack, I gotta pee."

"Hold your water, Marge. I must know. Who wrote that?"

"There's no name on the card. Wait! Jack Smith."

"Jack who?"

"Jack, Jack. You know Jack."

"You mean?"

"Yes, Jack Smith. From your favorite soap opera."

"You mean?"

"Yes, Jack. The Young and The Restless. Tell me you didn't know. Did they pay you off again?"

"Go pee, Marge."

You Make the Call

January 25, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

So I'm thinking again which is never a smart thing to do when it involves trying to understand why the elite in Genoa City say and do they things they do. Yes, I'm wondering why rich boy Daniel Romalotti has been crying all this time about not knowing where he stands with Lily Winters when right after she'd been tossed into the New Hampshire reform school the two of them were communicating via email.

Then the Dear John letter from Lily was dropped into his grubby hands and Daniel suddenly lost the connection between his penis and whatever he calls a brain. Lily was in a different world where only her parents and her adoptive brother could reach her and they weren't about to help him get the word from the horse's mouth so to speak.

For days this went on until Colleen Carlton came to town. As one of Lily's best pals, Daniel was certain Colleen could reach her for him. She could find out once and for all what Lily is really feeling. Colleen said she'd make the call only she got bogged down with letting Daniel's friend know she'll never forget what he did to her. But by the time Colleen got back to Daniel he'd changed his mind. To hell with Lily. There are other fish in the sea so why not move on? If he waits out the clock Lily might come back to Genoa City like Colleen did.

Ready to whip out her phone and give Lily a call, Daniel told Colleen to stop. Lily's faux bro had told him to give it up and it seemed like good advice so that was his final decision. Colleen didn't press. She didn't ask, "Are your fingers broken? If I can call Lily why can't you?" because in the blink of an eye she'd developed a case of the hots for Daniel so long as he was over Lily, which Daniel said, he was.

I'm also wondering about that hug between Kevin Fisher and John 'Yawn' Abbott. Wasn't that the sweetest damn thing you ever did see? There, there, Kevin. Don't snivel. Papa John will pay for your father's funeral expenses.

And what about that lunatic Mac Browning? I can't wait for the day the hunkmonkey drops Mac on her fat head for wanting him to join her crusade to convince Colleen that Kevin is a changed man.

Finally, there's the hypocrisy of an athletic club that serves bacon and eggs for breakfast and the two would-be wellness spas owners Nikki Newman and Phyllis Summers who eat such crap.

Okay then, who wants to make the call to the insane asylum? Think there's enough room to hold all the nut cases?

Wasting Away in Genoa City

January 20, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Talk about your wasted days and wasted nights and time wasted paying attention to anything the freaks living in Genoa City say because damn but what they don't flip-flop every five minutes like their slippery toady relatives.

Item - How many stinking months did Michael Baldwin and Lauren Fenmore go around saying they couldn't live with the fear that Sheila Carter might be out there trying to get Lauren? How often did Baldwin tell Lauren not to worry and promise he'd make Sheila pay? How many times did Paul 'Clueless' Williams say this too only to let Sheila slip through his fingers?

Alas, it was all a joke - on us.

As another mostly boring week in Genoa City came to an end damn but what Baldwin didn't say that he's not sure whether Sheila will be coming back for Lauren. He hopes not. But what if she does?

"I'm not going to do a damn thing about Sheila," Baldwin said, noting for the record that now, after Sheila saved her life, Lauren is "determined to live her life without fear."

Item - How many stinking times are girlie boys Kevin Fisher and Scotty Grainger going to prance around like sugar plums unable to make up their minds as to where they're going to stay and why is Kevin always the one to decide for Scotty that for now they'll be staying at the Sugar Shack, oh wait, no, the hunkmonkey wants us out, oh wait, the hunkmonkey wants us to stay, or wait J.T. doesn't like that Kevin saw fish bait Mac Browning in her underwear so we'll be moving again as soon as we find a place?

Item - How many stinking days did the Newmans wring their hands over how Cassie Newman might have wanted them to spend her fifteenth birthday when all along Nick Newman had been speaking with his adopted daughter?

"Sometimes Cassie talks to me," Nick said Friday, pointing out too that Cassie is happy he's riding her horse, that she told him not to worry about her and that her birthday is a day to be happy, not sad.

All that time Sharon Newman spent bawling and worrying if Cassie would approve of this and that and how Noah Newman would deal with the day and all along Cassie only wanted for them to be happy. Does it mean they won't go through this madness next year? Only if Nick fesses up. Only if watching Sharon agonize over Cassie doesn't turn him on in some sick way and only if it won't remind Nick on Cassie's birthday each year from here on out he was born to ride Phyllis Summers.

Too Many Babies!

January 13, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Have you noticed Genoa City is overflowing with babies? Without rehashing the nonsense surrounding all the worry over whether Noah Newman is up for Cassie Newman's birthday, Sharon and Nick Newman's bickering over what they should or shouldn't do for Cassie's birthday and Victor Newman's saying Noah may be "stronger" than everyone thinks, let's take another look at Noah.

How old is this kid? Is he the same age as Abby Carlton who has to be taken into a restaurant late at night for a sugar fix because she's having nightmares? Isn't Noah a big boy now? Isn't he playing baseball and basketball and doing all the things normal boys his chronological age are doing and wouldn't Cassie's birthday be the last thing on his mind? So why are the adults treating Noah like a stinking baby?

Why did Nikki Newman have to put Noah down like he's a diaper-wearing child fresh out of its mother's womb? Where were Noah's parents when his bedtime rolled around? Why did Nikki have to tell Victor that Noah didn't mention Cassie's birthday and surmised that maybe he's too "upset" to talk about it? Cassie dead for God's sake! Sure, the death of a sibling can be hard for children to take, but they don't slip into these bouts of depression like the Newman's seem to think Noah has. If, as Nikki said, Noah seems to "bottle" things up, he surely wouldn't be playing sports or helping construct shrines to dead kids or writing letters to Santa. If there's anything wrong with Noah it's that he's a baby being raised by babies.

As a matter of fact, maybe it's time to change Genoa City's name to BabyVille. The place is loaded with sniveling, little babies. Take the whimpering Nikki for example wanting to throw together a family dinner so that they can all sit around together reliving "wonderful memories". Isn't that the problem? Isn't the memory of Cassie's death causing them all this grief? So why dredge the past up when they know damn well the subject will eventually shift to Cassie and they'll all start bawling again. Is that any way to help Noah if in fact Noah needs help?

"We could do that every year in her honor to celebrate her life," Victor mumbled, catching himself poking his nose again into the lives of his diaper-wearing children and not wanting to do anything that might upset Nick and Sharon.

"This could be a positive step in our healing process," Nikki added without giving any consideration to the fact that all this family does is heal and move on and never get anywhere.

Other babies in this city who need the snot kicked out of them are those overgrown teenagers camped out together like hippies at the Sugar Shack. Like fairies prancing around at a Gay Pride parade, J.T. Hellstrom couldn't wait to get Scotty Grainger and Kevin Fisher out of the shack, the pixie dust brothers saying they didn't need to be asked twice, promised to move in with Kevin's just married brother and then changed their minds Friday when J.T. said Michael Baldwin and Lauren Fenmore might not appreciate having sex with the boys listening in the other room.

Then there's cry-baby Daniel Romalotti. Unable to accept that he's been dumped by Lily Winters, Daniel, without calling ahead, made his way to the Winters' wooden box to tell Sierra Hoffman and Devon Hamilton, who had just by chance walked into the box moments earlier, that he had received Lily's letter from Mr. Winters personally and that he suspects Lily was forced to write it. He whined too that Lily returned his Christmas present and couldn't fathom why any girl would drop a hunk-a-hunk-a burning love he considers himself to be.

Easily shined on by Devon - who knows the letter is bogus but won't tell the truth because he wants Lily for himself - Daniel put his tail between his legs and shuffled off to find an adult wiling to buy him a bottle of booze he nursed like a baby by pouring a few drops at a time into a soda only to get caught and scolded by Nick who had to remind Daniel he's on probation for going on a crime spree last summer, and in part, for being complicit in Cassie's death. Oh, yeah. That. How could Daniel be so stupid? How could he be so hypocritical supposedly going around warning other teens not to do as he did only to go back to doing what got him into trouble in the first place?

Perhaps the biggest baby of all is Michael. His client charged with murder, the attorney has yet to make a motion to have all charges against Ashley Carlton dropped now that the police have reported there's no evidence to hold her. Granted, Ashley is free to come and go so it doesn't matter much that she's got a rap hanging over her head. Why would she call her attorney - to find out why he hasn't had the charges dismissed - when the whole town is treating her like a pariah and her daughter like a bird with the flu? It works to Ashley's advantage in that her father gets to treat her like a baby.

And what is Michael doing? Having sex and in the process quite possibly creating another baby. A Fenmore baby some crazy maternity ward nurse may get into her head to steal at that.

Welcome to Bizzaro World!

January 5, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Looking around for something to report on for Thursday the best lead I could find was: crack head gets a job in the mailroom. There were other leads but not much meat on them. In fact, when looked at as a whole, the theme Bizzaro World kept coming to mind. I'm not sure where Bizzaro World is or why it's in my mind. I think it comes from Adventure Comics which would then explain the tie-in to Genoa City. 

Here we have a lawyer who thinks, but isn't sure, his new bride is dead, but what's he thinking about most? Covering his ass. Michael Baldwin is so deep into complicity with Ashley Carlton it's not funny. He wants to take over her case from Christine 'Bug' Blair and Ashley is anxious for that to happen because when it comes to two divorce attorneys representing her in a criminal case, Michael would be best. It's not like anyone will ever make the connection between Ashley's and Baldwin's link to her victim, Tom Fisher. The lack of a conflict of interest will make it easier for Ashley to testify at trial because if it's one thing Ashley doesn't like, it's lying under oath. 

Michael isn't the only one who knows Ashley has more lies than she can shake a crooked finger at. Gloria Fisher-Abbott picked up on the lying vibe Ashley's projecting when she suspected there was something strange about Ashley visiting with Michael until she was told her son and Ashley's lawyer are partners. This news, which shouldn't have been news because Gloria's known about Michael and his law partner for at least a year, thrilled Gloria because "they'll get these charges dropped in no time." Then Gloria got to thinking: there's something wrong with the way Ashley is starting to remember what happened on the night of the shooting. 

Meantime, what's the private detective assigned the task of finding Lauren Fenmore doing? Making funeral arrangements! I swear, this is as bizarre as it gets unless you count Paul Williams sitting around on his ass complaining that Sheila Carter isn't returning his calls. He's still going with the theory that holding a fake funeral will draw Carter out and that he's got "people" covering the streets leading into and out of Genoa City in the event Sheila shows herself. 

And still, for all his sidekick assuring him that they've got the ducks lined up, well, except for those in J.T. Hellstrom's bubble bath, Paul says, "I have a feeling we're missing something." 

He's missing something alright – it's called a brain. 

But let's give Paul the benefit of the doubt. Let's see how he's using J.T.'s realtors listing effectively to find suspicious activity in and around the great metro area. A call to the house across from a farm owned by the Perkins family has revealed that the Perkins' are off on holiday! Obviously, this farm is not a dairy farm. The neighbors are just so happening to notice that at night there are lights on that wouldn't be coming on due to any automatic timer. And this worry hasn't caused the neighbors to call the police or, as rural neighbors in Wisconsin would, check out the strange lights themselves. Nope, better to wait in the event some PI from the city calls inquiring about strangers. 

Paul's got a feeling he might be getting close to something, but what? Should he take J.T. with him or send him to the chapel to help Lauren's son with the decorations? What do you think J.T. and Scotty Grainger would much prefer? Meantime, Lauren's not in all that much trouble. Sure, she's boxed in, but with Sheila's help they are working nicely together for the common good and when's the last time we saw that in this town? If there's one good thing that could come out of this mess is that Lauren and Sheila become best buds. Hey, if Kevin Fisher and J.T. can do it, if Daniel Romalotti and the Newmans can do it, why not Lauren and Sheila? Wouldn't that piss a lot off people off? 

That's why I call it Bizzaro. Nothing makes sense. From Dru Winters priding herself on making Yolanda Hamilton what she is today, to Dru's demanding to know how Yolanda got her job when the question should be, "How did Dru get her job?" it seems there isn't anything that isn't crazy. People are starting to ask me: "Are you crazy? Why do you bother trying to make sense of this?" 

Good question. I guess I do it because I think dissecting these people will make their motives clearer. But like a Thanksgiving turkey picked to the bone, there's little meat to be found. Take this boner for example: 

Victor Newman telling son Nick, "You've proven yourself as a man. I'm proud of you." 

A nice sentiment? Proof that bygones can be bygones? That the hatchet can be buried? Or would Victor's statement had made more sense had he added, "and I've got the stab wounds to prove it."? 

I'm telling you, it's Bizzaro World.

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