See Also: Daniel Romalotti

The Baby Brokers

May 12, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Still reeling from Phyllis Summers' miracle baby, the Winters clan refusing to give up the ship they call a family even as it rests at the bottom of Davy Jones' locker and Mac Browning's declaration that she's going to New Orleans to help Brock Reynolds build homes for Katrina victims, I was blown away by an old story I wrote on December 18, 2001.

The adage invoked back then by Diane Jenkins is still true today. Whenever the trite and insecure residents of Genoa City are faced with a perplexity they blame themselves. Like Lily Winters this week, more than four years ago it was Diane whining, "It's all my fault."

Weighed down with the knowledge that her former husband sired the baby subsequently exiled along with its mother from Genoa City by Victor Newman, Jabot Cosmetics anti-aging cream discoverer Nikki Newman couldn't wait to tell someone. She ran straight to Katherine Sterling and flapped her gums about how Diane had given birth to Jack Abbott's baby and then began blaming herself.

"It's all my fault," she sniveled before asking what Katherine thought about it.

Katherine thought Jack should be told, but Nikki said it was too early for Jack might bond with his own flesh and blood.

This threw a new light on the situation. Katherine said before anyone said anything it should be determined whether Diane was a worthy mother. To that end Nikki said that while she and Diane "loathe" each other she'd find out and the next day jumped on a plane to Italy, easily found where Diane was staying, asked a few questions - to which she got no answers - and left when Diane told her to get out.

Having put the cart before the horse, Nikki figured she couldn't accuse Diane of being unworthy until verifying that the sperm Diane stole - yes, Diane was stealing sperm long before Ashley Abbott - was in fact Jack's. To accomplish that goal Nikki had to get a sample of Jack's blood. Since there was no Col. Douglas Austin around to do it for her (Austin performed a similar task for Victor years earlier) Nikki had to find her own way.

To make a long story short, Nikki, with Jack's help, broke into a sperm lab and got the test report which proved Jack was the daddy of Diane's baby. From there a custody battle for Kyle Abbott broke out when Jack's wife, Phyllis, learned she couldn't have Jack's babies. Phyllis tried bonding with Kyle, but in the end both she and Jack grew tired of child rearing and agreed Diane was most worthy so Diane took the kid and fled Wisconsin.

To say that what goes around comes around would be an understatement as we find Phyllis can get, and is, pregnant. She thinks the kid is Jack's, but almost everyone knows it's Nick Newman who knocked Phyllis up. Now, and I'm just using the theory that those who don't learn from history are bound to repeat it, don't be shocked when Nikki, or someone, steals a sample of Jack and/or Nick's blood and breaks into the sperm lab again. Don't be surprised if another custody battle breaks out, Nick gets custody and in the end gives the kid back to Phyllis so that she and Jack can live happily ever after.

Or, how about a baby switch? With Lauren Baldwin pregnant for approximately the same amount of time, a worried that her baby may be deformed Phyllis could swap hers with Lauren's. Don't put it pass her, Phyllis has done worse.

The Baby-Killing Car Wreck

May 11, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

I'm at a loss for words. How convenient was it that with Mother's Day rapidly approaching, with TVLand - under the guise of a Mother's Day Week Special - airing some of the worst episodes of Good Times and Leave It to Beaver, many of which have nothing to do with mothers, Phyllis Summers got the news she may be pregnant?

How can this be possible when Phyllis was told by a doctor she can't have more children? How can this be when Phyllis has said so many times, and a judge told her as much, she's not worthy of motherhood? Because someone decreed it. Don't ask me who. Suffice it is to say that things like this happen all the time in Genoa City.

Things like Mac Browning return to the city to say goodbye because she left a few weeks ago in such a hurry she didn't bother telling her grandmother that she was going out West to teach Indians how to read and write and better appreciate the white man's way. Yes, after traveling hundreds of miles to Nevada or Arizona, or wherever those Redskins were cast away, Mac should be slinking around Genoa City by the time you read this and she won't be gone for good until May 17th or thereabouts.

But wait! Do you think Mac will return to the reservation?

Hell no!

She's going to New Orleans to help her daddy, Brock Reynolds, build homes for the homeless and/or Katrina Victims! Could it be Brock sung some politician one of his Old Time Religion greatest hits? Did he score a lucrative government contract from FEMA. Will Mac bump into Billy Abbott there too?

I've always found it interesting how these people waste so much. They waste time, money and more importantly, gasoline. They make pointless, one hour trips in their gas-guzzling SUVs when using the phone or sending email would be so much quicker and cheaper. They make doctor appointments for the slightest ailment and think nothing of the $185 office visit bill because here, in the mini-megalopolis, the rich don't worry about money. They've got tons of it. It grows on trees. It is easily spread around, thrown at problems and used to bribe politicians in a position to get influential citizens out of criminal indictments. Money is used to buy pounds of Meth needed to setup perceived enemies and plane tickets to France or South Africa.

What I really want to know is how it came to be that Phyllis went to a doctor. Is she having morning sickness? Did she have a premonition that the condoms Nick Newman wore when he was putting the pork to her were defective? Did Nick wear a condom? I'd ask him only I don't want to, um, blow the surprise. Knowing Nick, he'd probably tell me there's no condom big enough to fit him. I seem to recall Nick, or was it Phyllis, mention something about having used "protection", but knowing how these people operate, money is the only protection they know.

If Nick was the least bit worried Phyllis would get pregnant I suspect he flicked off the potential baby as something he could buy his way out of. For example, Nick could buy Phyllis a pair of high-heels and have her try them on in a carpeted room. Is she's anything like Nick's wife. it wouldn't take long for Phyllis to catch her heel on the edge of the carpet, trip, fall down and presto - no more baby! The timing isn't right, but if this happened in December, a pregnant Phyllis could fall on the ice and lose the baby that way.

Moreover, I can't comprehend why Phyllis would require any man she screws to wear a condom when she can't have kids. What sterile woman would broach the subject? There's a slim chance Nick already knew of her predicament. Isn't it written somewhere, say on the men's room wall at Jabot Cosmetics and Newman Enterprises, for a good time call the baby-proof Phyllis Summers? Not that he needed an incentive, Phyllis could have enticed Nick by telling him not to worry about condoms. What man couldn't get up for that occasion?

Not that it matters now. With the deed done, with Phyllis reportedly 8 weeks knocked up and hoping it's really Jack Abbott's baby, although with all the men she's had it's, um, hard to say who the daddy is, the question will become what will Phyllis do? What will Nick do with the possibility that, like his papa, he could have a bastard baby to deal with? Their options are limited because abortion was outlawed in this town the day Ashley Abbott killed Victor Newman's baby. There is, however, the old, but effective standby most recently invoked by Ashley: The baby-killing car wreck!

A Spy in Their Midst?

April 19, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

So Nikki Newman may have to sell her interest in Jabot Cosmetics - if she wants her wellness spas project to survive - does she? Isn't it about time? Hasn't it been a joke since both Nikki, and Brad Carlton, sunk millions into Jabot and then went off to work for competitor Newman Enterprises? Oh, it's not like Nikki works. She only rents office space from her husband. She won't tolerate Victor Newman ordering home-wrecker Phyllis Summers out of the building either. No, Nikki and Phyllis will stay as long as they want giving the appearance of impropriety and conflict of interest because this how it's always been.

Nikki out of Jabot is a good start, however. If she sells her interest in Jabot and then moves out of the Newman Towers it would be even better. But who would be dumb enough to invest in Jabot? Who would want in any way be affiliated with a company again receiving bad press and thought to be selling products suspected of causing a woman's death?

Phyllis Summers for one. Yes friends, in Genoa City, when you grow tired of working for one company, never fear. The competition will scoop you up in a heartbeat and when you get tired of that job you can go back to the old job or, if that doesn't suit your fancy, partner with your former boss' wife who will later say that she couldn't have gotten where she is today without your help.

Such was the nonsense today as not only did Jack Abbott just wander about the halls of Newman Enterprises at will, he had a confrontation with the great man concerning Phyllis' importance and that he's appalled Victor may have in some way offended her. Victor, for all his business savvy and being one step of the game when he cancelled Nikki's funding, could only muster up a "what are you doing here?" when Jack walked into the conference room.

Desperate, and apparently unaware that nobody would invest in Jabot at this point, or buy stock that must be selling for $1 per share, Nikki threatened to sell her Jabot stock if that's what it takes to keep her project on track. Unfortunately, Phyllis had already decided to leave the project and return to Jabot provided she be allowed to keep her stock in Nikki's project. Victor agreed, then turned the money faucet back on perhaps because he knew, unlike Phyllis, that NVP at this point is worthless. Furthermore, the question of what, exactly Phyllis put in the project that would qualify her to take anything out of it, was never broached. It's not like Phyllis is a millionaire.

Even Jack admitted today that Jabot is in the tank, but nevertheless gobbled Phyllis up without running the re-employment of a former employee past Jabot's CEO, Jill Abbott. But, given that Jill and Phyllis have suddenly become best buds, why should he? Why should he ask any Jabot executive if they might have objections to a home-wrecking back-stabbing corporate spy in their midst?

I'm Only Human

April 14, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Thank God, it's Friday. The one day of the week I have to write only one article about the events taking place today in Genoa City. If it should happen there is more than one outrageous event then naturally my work would be doubled, but it's safe to say there won't be. So let's see. What was the biggest blunder? Who was the biggest boob? Remember: the operative word is outlandish.

At first I thought Victor Newman fit that description - until he redeemed himself. His raving, "How could this happen?", when his goofy son confessed the sin of sleeping with Phyllis Summers only to ask again, "How could this happen?" after Nick Newman told him, made my finger itch especially when Nick added how good he feels now that he's had someone to spill his guts on. I mean, Victor Newman? The man with kids spread far and wide? The man who has married more women in this city than a polygamist from Utah has wives doesn't know how things like this happen?

That's when Victor came to his senses. Following a one-hour trip to the Newman Ponderosa where he foolishly consoled Sharon Newman and was told the only thing that will make Sharon happy is to have that bitch Phyllis gone from Newman Enterprises, the great man made another trip to the city to kick Phyllis' ass to the curb. This, after Phyllis had just whined about her "dream" and the need to keep her fancy office at NE where she performs who knows what in connection with the chain of wellness spas project operated by Nikki Newman who still works for competitor Jabot Cosmetics. With Phyllis gone, can Nikki be far off so that this strange bedfellows madness can end? It just doesn't bode well for two companies said to be engaged in a cosmetics war.

That Phyllis is a slut so hard up for sex she must turn to Nick and is starting to pay the price is reason enough to cheer, but her inability to deal with her dinkwad, teenage, son is frosting on the cake. So sorry that he blurt out right there in the office that his mother and Victor's son have been having an affair, Daniel Romalotti proceeded to chew his mother out for not learning from her mistakes. This, from a kid who hasn't learned a thing from his own mistakes. If he had, he wouldn't have a wife to support. He'd be finishing high school and going to college if he hadn't let his hormones get out of control and fell in love with the first little girl who came along.

But did Phyllis mention this? Did she remind Daniel that Lily Winters ran away twice, once with him, and later on her own with Daniel's complicity? No! She let Daniel walk all over her. She sputtered that one doesn't talk about personal matters at the workplace as if to say anyone, including Victor himself, ever read the memo he put out years ago banning such things. Phyllis ranted on and on how she's "lost" Daniel and he, always the ungrateful snot, confirmed that she's lost him again despite the fact he keeps running to mommy whenever things aren't going his way.

When she should have been playing the role of a mother, Phyllis looked like a fool today when Daniel appeared to know more about parenting than she ever will which is not to say that God shouldn't help us all if he and Lily have a child. And so there Phyllis was, explaining herself to a twit, yammering about having fallen in love, sniveling that the love was "real" and there are times when "emotions" control her brain, not that she has one that functions properly, she's only "human".

No Returns!

March 29, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

In all the confusion, in all the sticky body fluids when Nick Newman and Phyllis Summers were having sex, I must have missed something. I do that every now and then. Blame it on dying brain cells. For example, I write reports like this, read them over and over looking for errors and misspelled words before they reach your eyes, and damn but when I re-read them online often find misspelled words. I mention this not so much as an apology because only something like 1 in a 1000 readers ever complain.

What I seem to have missed is this: didn't Phyllis go to the Little Shop of Horrors to buy some sex toys and a nice negligee to wear prior to one of her romps with Nick Newman? Didn't she in fact wear the garb and, I'm guessing here, wasn't it splattered with Nick's eruption? If not, wouldn't the garb have at least become soiled by Phyllis prior to taking it off so that Nick could gain access to her love tunnel?

So how then was Phyllis able to return the garb for a refund?

I wasn't there so I can't say for sure, but from what I heard that's exactly what Phyllis did this week and the freaking store took it back!

I understand this shouldn't surprise me. I know shop owner Lauren Fenmore has had sex right on the floor of her little shop in plain view of the street side window, but shouldn't there be a law about returning undergarments? I could be wrong. The item Phyllis was returning could have been one of those three monkey knick-knacks she and Nick have come to cherish and best represents what they really are. Sex monkeys. Call her Faye Ray. Call him Kong.

My conclusion that it was underwear Phyllis returned is further based on the coincidence that her lover's wife just happened to be at the store later purchasing an exact replica of negligee. Sharon Newman's plan, an original one if I do say, is to trap Nick into celebrating their ten year marriage in the exact same hotel room where Nick put the pork to Phyllis. Doofus that he is, Nick probably won't notice that it's the same room until Sharon is standing before him dressed in exactly the same thing Phyllis was wearing that night. If it's not that, if, gasp, I'm wrong, I can't really see her handing him one of those monkey knick-knacks.

Whether I'm right or wrong isn't the point.

What got me thinking, what made my skin crawl, is that Sharon, or anyone foolish enough to shop at the Fenmore horror boutique, has no way of knowing whether the underwear has been worn before. I mean, how creepy is that? Shouldn't the Heath Department be tipped off? Who wants to put on underwear someone else already wore especially underwear stained with human sperm or worse? You don't have to tell me. I know this is Genoa City where men and women alike think nothing of handling sperm with their bare hands. God knows Ashley Abbott Carlton has fondled her share of the sticky stuff.

All I asking is this: could the Little Shop of Horrors please post a notice? NO RETURNS accepted for undergarments not in original packaging.

Don't Like the Rules?

March 20, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

As we so often do, let's review and get up to speed. Neil and Dru Winters' precious daughter is, to them, still missing. Lily Winters is hiding in plain sight but because they are so lame, Neil and Dru can't seem to get off their collective ass and find the little slug. Neil is so hoping the reform school in New Hampshire will take Lily back, although he hasn't called to find out. Not that it matters when he calls, Neil said Monday that when he does call the school he'll "make sure" that it takes Lily back.

How Neil would accomplish this is not something to be picked apart here, but yet, don't you wonder how he'd pull this off? A greasing on the palms? A threat? A call to a corrupt politician?

While we're on the topic of stupidity, let's also look at the reasoning behind Lily's "best" friend returning to her scene of the crime. After swiping Lily's passport right from under Dru's nose, what did Colleen Carlton do? She went back to the Winters' wooden box for the sole purpose of having Dru ask again if she's seen Lily and if she has, or does, would she be so kind as to let Dru know? Meanwhile, lo and behold, Dru discovers that besides Lily's suitcase, her passport is missing too as if it would have been kept up to date.

Flash to the apartment of Lily's toad, um, girl, um, boy friend Daniel Romalotti. Riding his moral high horse like a sex pervert in one of those teenager orgies the FCC says CBS was caught airing, Daniel slams his mother for having sex with a married man. Like this is the first time Daniel's ever heard about Phyllis Summers? Does not her sexual addiction precede her? Has Daniel not heard the story about how Phyllis trapped his father into a marriage and tried convincing Danny Romalotti that Daniel was his son?

Daniel did have one thing right when he called his mother a "hypocrite", however. Then he got it all wrong again by berating Phyllis for calling Lily's mother a liar. Again, apparently, Daniel has never heard the story about how Dru encouraged her sister to sleep with a married man and went so far as to egg Olivia Winters on by telling her to give Brad Carlton the best "F" of his entire life.

Worried, and this is the part that's most mind numbing, Phyllis asked Daniel, "You're not planning to run off again are you?"

Lucky for Phyllis, he isn't. But think about this lunacy. What mother would ask such a question? And from her demeanor, that's what she was doing. Asking. What if he'd said yes? Would Phyllis have just stood there and let him go? Maybe give him money? A car. Pack a lunch?

Because parents in this city consistently allow their children to walk all over them, Phyllis came up with a brilliant plan to make this summer rehash on 2005 go away. Now don't misconstrue. The sooner this insane notion - that the Winters can't control Lily, that she's a typical rebellious teen and Daniel so much like Lily they deserve to be together - ends, the better.

But holy Christ!

Let them move in together?

Yes, you read right. That's Phyllis' master plan. Give in. Whatever her diaper-wearing kid wants, he gets. To that end Phyllis hauled her ass over to the box knowing in advance that Dru and Neil would be there. And, so typically, Dru had to ask, "What are you doing here?" when Phyllis showed up because no matter how many times people like Phyllis are told to do or not do something, they do the complete opposite.

Explaining that it makes perfect sense for Lily to move into her apartment, Phyllis may have well added that they can sleep together to for she knows they will even though she said, well, hell, nothing to worry about, Lily will have her own room.

The naive so thick you could cut it with a dull knife, Phyllis went on to say that with the kids under one roof at least they'll be where people can find them. And just think. When the kids go off to college...

Neil interrupted to say the idea is crazy and for Phyllis to leave. She did, but not before warning Neil he'll be sorry. And Neil, because he's such a pussy, will undoubtedly go along with this or a similar plan.

See? The problem here is that the kids get their way and that sends a bad message to kids everywhere. Don't like the rules? Change them.

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