See Also: Colleen Carlton  J.T. Hellstrom

Boys Will be Girls

 
February 20, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

My God, how old is J.T. Hellstrom? If memory serves he had a year of college left to finish when he first surfaced in Genoa City back in 1999. That would have put him near the age of 21 before he dropped out to become a full-time hunkmonkey. Five years later I'm guessing Hellstrom is 28. So why is he still hanging around with teenagers? Why are all the girls he claims to have loved and the one he allegedly knocked up his junior? Why was his best score of all time a 15-year-old runaway and when Colleen Carlton ditched him Hellstrom had to settle for the rodent-looking, supposedly well lubed by Raul Guittierez's sperm, Mac Browning? Was it for Hellstrom, like it was for Guittierez, a cover to disguise his excessive 17-second grunt-romps with nonorgasmic Madam Palm and her four sisters? Is that what Hellstrom's impending fatherhood all about? Is the story a baby hunkmonkey in Browning's oven spun for the sole purpose of making Hellstrom appear man-like?

His sexual interest in young boys like Billy Abbott and Guittierez cannot be denied. Now that they've gone the hunkmonkey is spending way too much time with teenager Daniel Romalotti which is as suspicious as Romalotti's interest in whatever his age, 12-something, Noah Newman.

Romalotti's bizarre desire that his mother stay with the abusive Jack Abbott and his concern for the troubled Abbott family in general smacks of gayness too. What heterosexual senior in high school would tell his mother, "I can't imagine what the Abbotts must be going through right now."

Straight kids Romalotti's age can't imagine. They don't give a rip about anything except getting some babe in bed merely for bragging rights. Gay kids on the, um, other hand wonder about men like Abbott. They hope, as Romalotti does, that the man in their mother's life has the biggest penis and hope mommy will "always be there" for the studs regardless of the abuse they dish out.

"You've been kinda hard on him lately. Can't you lighten up? He adores you," Romalotti said of Abbott, the word 'hard' having double meaning and the word 'adore' one that only a sweetie boy would use to describe a man's affection which is not to say Abbott is a man.

That boys will be girls hasn't escaped the GCN's Todd Brown either. In his Viewpoint column this week Brown wrote he found it odd that Romalotti and Hellstrom have engaged in a contest for craziest and gayest hair. "The hours these boys must spend in front of the mirror with their peroxide and their gel provides a fitting glimpse into the future of any woman who vies for their attention," says Brown.

For those wondering what constitutes a real man in this city Brown points to Devon Hamilton. Having just turned eighteen and in the eyes of Wisconsin law, an adult, Hamilton continues living with his foster parents whiling away the hours alone and doodling the name of his one and only flame, foster sister Lily Winters who passes the time sucking on Romalotti.

With so many boys in the closet there's no room for gay girls especially fat ones like Sierra Hoffman. Considering the Oreo-eating teen has been in Genoa City for years isn't it strange she's never had a boyfriend? Is the Magic Hitachi providing that much satisfaction? Has Hoffman been comparing notes with her elders? Have Katherine Sterling and Jill Abbott and Gina Roma been telling her the joys of masturbation? Does this explain too why Kevin Fisher doesn't have a girl? What is Hamilton doing alone in the bedroom at night? What does Newman slave Miguel Rodriguez do to relieve his sexual frustration or Abbott slave Mrs. Martinez? What about Sterling's slave Ether Valentine? Are they so ashamed?

Genoa City likes to pride itself on being abortion and gay-free but isn't it about time the girls be boys and boys be girls if that's what they are?

Weak and Run

January 31, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Oh my freaking god! Are kids in Genoa City spoiled - or what? Do they sit around on their hormone-enraged asses all day moaning and groaning and role playing and pretending to be coffee shop owners and college students who never attend class and high school students will no morning classes and private eyes who are assigned some of the most asinine cases like finding what mysterious keys unlock?

Did J.T. Hellstrom really go to Detroit like he said he would to pluck out of the smoggy air the one bank where Tom Fisher rented a safety deposit box? Did he just walk into City Bank, flash the key Kevin Fisher gave him and the banker was so nice as to tell him, "That's one of our keys and it goes to a box Mr. Fisher rented." Do banks really do this?

And who, exactly, is picking up the tab for Hellstrom's services which really are those of the one-man Clueless Detective & Alarm Company run by Paul Williams out of a broom closet at the one-man law office operated by divorce attorney Michael Baldwin? Is this, like finding Lauren Fenmore, another freebie? How can Williams stay in business at this rate? Who, besides his friends who know they can get it free, would want Williams' service? Are what paying customers he has impressed when they walk into Baldwin & Blair Law looking to have an alarm system installed? Do they ever wonder where the alarm center is or find it odd that Williams doesn't appear to have any employees? Do they wonder who the blonde woman is sometimes seen there and often confused with a broom? If, say, the owner of Genoa City Ford needed to have an investigation conducted, would he be bowled over when Hellstrom showed up looking more like a lot boy than a PI?

Imagine the banker in Detroit giving Hellstrom the time of day? Imagine the customers patronizing the coffee shop Hellstrom's girlfriend operates going there for the rolls and getting upset when the Jitter Joint runs out? Who the hell eats rolls with their coffee? Imagine these same customers happily supporting a shop co-owned by a firebug who at one time was the city's most dangerous person? Imagine them going back again and again knowing they'll most likely overhear the other co-owner urging the firebug's victim to forgive and forget that Kevin Fisher tried to kill her?

These questions need to be asked because the kids in this city pretending to be business persons and victims have no believability. That statement has never been truer now that Colleen Carlton has said she's willing to give it a try. On the heels of about 72-hours worth of moaning and groaning that she'll never forget, that she'll never forgive, Carlton capitulated this week much to Fisher's delight.

Only she was kidding. She had no intention of flip-flopping, or allowing her spine to turn into jelly and showed that standing up for what she believes takes guts her so-called friends don't have. Friends like the Oreo-eating Sierra Hoffman, the I want to have sex with my adopted sister Devon Hamilton, the down in the dumps because Lily Winters may have dumped him Daniel Romalotti and the always coming in second best Mac Browning who think of Fisher as the second coming of Christ.

How huffy and barking like rabid dogs they were when Winters was in love with Fisher. They spewed hate and did everything they could to take Fisher down and swore he'd spend a life behind bars, but when it came to standing up for their convictions melted like butter in the hot sun.

Reconstituted, the group turned into a pack of Fisher groupies carrying his emotional baggage, kissing the ground he walks and his zit-infested ass on demand. They preach the Gospel of Kevin everywhere they go and those unwilling to sing the Fisher is a Changed Man hymn are accused of being unpatriotic.

When the groupies saw that Carlton wasn't swallowing their swill and had seen right though the surprise breakfast at home party for Romalotti disguised as a peace and love crusade to make Carlton change her mind, and at which Fisher just happened to partake, the acid tongues wagged.

But that's to be expected of those too weak to know when they're being stepped on. Like sheep, the groupies allow themselves to be manipulated by Fisher's troll, Mac Browning. If Browning tells them that Fisher wants to spy on them without a warrant because it'll help fight terrorism, they'll believe it. They are, after all, weak.

Weakness is something kids here learn at an early age. Romalotti and Winters can go on a cross-country crime spree, Cassie Newman can carry a condom around in her purse in direct defiance of her mother's wishes, Nate Hastings can cry that his faux daddy died, Phillip Chancellor IV can grumble that "dad" Ryan McNeil didn't think of him as a "son" worthy of adoption, Kyle Abbott can fuss, Rikki Williams can dirty his diapers, Browning herself ran away from home in an act of rebellion. But in the end they all rollover like a doormat lest they get dumped with their grandparents, die an untimely death or shipped to a boarding school.

But to face their demons head on takes courage and guts and determination and not an option when it's so much easier to be weak and run.