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Spanking the Monkey

September 18, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

A funny thing happened last week at the doctor's office while I was there having a checkup. The doc asked how things were going with the operation of the Genoa City News and after I'd said that - thanks to the support of our readers - the GCN is still going strong, the doc asked me to bring her up to speed concerning the going's on in this crazy city. Are Nikki and Victor Newman still married? Are people still sleeping around?

Going down the list of recent events I finally reached the story of Victor Newman's bout with epilepsy and the doc started laughing her ass off. She had never heard anything quite so stupid, concluding nothing has change in Genoa City since she stopped watching years ago like, unfortunately, so many others have.

And just when I was thinking that the day before Victor having brain surgery wasn't as bad as it could have been, despite that little bitch Victoria Newman confessing she wishes she had Newman Enterprises all to herself, damn but what the wind wasn't knocked out of me following Victor's surgery.

First, and I've asked this before, why didn't Victor fly in some real surgeons? Second, who performed the surgery, and third, what friggin' doctor in his right mind has the patient strapped to his bed immediately following surgery?

When has having epilepsy been a crime and what doctor anywhere can declare a patient mentally unbalanced and throw the patient into the loony bin without a court order? Is Genoa City no longer part of the United States? I realize the justice system here leaves a lot to be desired, but Christ! Why is Nikki Newman allowing any of this to happen and where did they find that two-bit attorney who represented Victor at a competency hearing? Oh, yes. Within hours of brain surgery Victor was discharged from the God Have Mercy Medical Center and forced to attend a hearing before he could so much as think about going home.

This is the most insane thing I've ever heard of. When a quack can declare you incompetent it's time to move to Canada. Speaking of incompetence, the man some say is the greatest attorney Genoa City has ever seen, it wasn't Michael Baldwin worrying again about losing his license to practice law. It's his brother!

Kevin Fisher is worried because Baldwin is helping him illegally spy on the executives at Jabot Cosmetics. And why are they taking this risk? Why are they breaking the law? To help their stinking mother! Gloria Abbott got kangaroo court screwed by Jack Abbott but under Genoa City law it was legal nonetheless. Still, because Gloria can't find an appeals court, she's content to let her sons risk their freedom for her.

At the hearing before a judge, blood practically seeping from Victor's sutures, the GHM quack testified as to why she declared her patient incompetent and the stupid freaking judge just sat there working the penis pump under his robe, I bet. The evidence - proving Victor is a loon and should be locked up - is that the medication the freak doctors gave him are having side effects. And this is Victor's fault? Why, yes, it is. Understand though, it's not a crime to have epilepsy - it just seems that way.

The whoosh-whoosh sound seemingly coming from under his desk, the sleepy judge pondered the evidence as the ambulance-chasing lawyers flipped coins as to the outcome. After some thought the judge realized he wasn't presiding over a military tribunal. In America the accused still have rights and so he asked what Victor thought about it all.

Poor Victor, the victim of a warrant-less incarceration, spewed his guilt. He didn't mean to point a gun at his wife. He knows he's got a medical problem, but gosh your honor, I got the best heath insurance money can buy. Doesn't that mean something? Does it help if I say I'll deal with my epilepsy and promise not to go out in public if you release me? Please, kind sir, I didn't ask to be epileptic. Why are you picking on me? Are all epileptics locked up? Is this a national scandal CNN should be reporting? What did I ever do that was so bad? Didn't I build a wreck center for wayward youth? Am I not one of the most powerful men this city has ever seen? Why are you not in my back pocket, your honor?

"Excuse me for being so crude as to ask, but what's that red stuff dripping all over my courtroom?" the judge did not ask, but you know, should have as this is how idiotic the entire scene was.

Victor should have said, "Oh, it's just blood your honor. I had brain surgery a few hours ago. Nothing to be alarmed about. I'm sure it'll come off the floor. As I was saying... why can Jack Abbott pull strings to get his baby brother into college classes that other freshman can't, but I can't even rest my weary head after coming out of surgery? Please, sir, I promise. If you let me go I'll do what the doctors tell me and I'll tell my family that if I so much as look crossed-eyed at them they are to take me directly to jail without passing go. I mean, to the nut ward."

About to make his ruling, the judge was interrupted when Nikki got up to sputter what a great man Victor is. She has, isn't everyone aware, known Victor ever since her stripper days at the Bayou. Did the judge not remember her? Oh, well. Your honor, Victor would never do what he did. But since he did there's no reason to lock him up. Is there? Let me wink my droopy eye at you. C'mon, you know we Newmans are rich and powerful. Say, aren't you the judge who didn't mind that my son withheld evidence in the Daniel Romalotti case? Maybe not. So how 'bout it judge?

Suddenly the whooshing stopped. The judge's eyes seemed to glaze over as he ruled that so long as Nikki promises to keep an eye on Victor he can go home. And let this be a warning to all other epileptics who can't control their damn fits and visions and voices in their heads. Do anything that even appears you are epileptic, so much as seek medical attention for your health problems, and you too can be made to have brain surgery immediately following which you will be taken to a court.

"Now get the hell out of here and don't come back because next time it won't be the monkey I'll be spanking if you get my drift, Nicole, I mean, Mrs. Newman. Bailiff! Pass me that box of Kleenex. Court adjourned," the judge did not say, but, well, you know.

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

September 14, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

What a message for epileptics everywhere. If you're rich, if your doctor suggests you have brain surgery, you don't need to think twice. Furthermore, if your disease has landed you in the hospital, if you've been hearing voices and seeing visions and generally freaking out and not knowing who you're pointing guns at, the one thing you must do before the surgery is help your enemy. And why not? If you are the most powerful man in all of Genoa City surely no one can have you condemned to a hospital psycho ward against your will - can they?

Bitch and moan all you want. If the doctor implies that you are certifiable, if you are Victor Newman and the doctor orders you into a padded room over your wife's objection, you will be. Your wife can shed her crocodile tears and say she doesn't want you put away, but she will give in. She will agree with your son who has, deep down, always wanted you out of the way and says in so many words that you are to blame for your own destiny. Once the decision has been reached, once your bellowing opposition had been ignored, Nikki will cry on Brad Carlton's shoulder and the two will blame themselves for not seeing the warning signs, that something is seriously wrong with you, earlier. And again, your back-stabbing son will side with your enemies. Nick Newman will tell his mother and Carlton not to blame themselves for what you've got yourself into.

Yes, Carlton, the, um, man you've warned will be exposed for the liar he is, has this sudden interest in your health. He feels bad about what's happening to you, so he says, all the while salivating at the thought of you out of the way for as long as possible and just slimy enough that given the chance, would pay the doctor operating on you to make a mistake leaving you a vegetable for the remainder of your miserable life. You, with more money than you could ever spend, will most likely not summon the best surgeons in the world to perform the surgery as you've done for others. You feel safe in the hands of the God Have Mercy Medial Center quacks barely qualified to empty bed pans much less do brain surgery and had no qualms about ratting you out to the cops after that little gun stunt.

Once you've calmed down, when you've stopped swearing that Nikki is to blame for what amounts to your incarceration and that you will never forgive her, you will. You always do. We know you Victor. We know you blow hot and cold, and that should we poke a finger in your belly, sand will run out. We know too that your daughter pretends to worry about you. Victoria Carlton is right this minute tallying her share of your estate. She's thinking about those poor Abbott kids and what they went through following the death of old man John 'Yawn' Abbott. There was all the fighting over who got what, the public spectacle of a hearing a judge rule that a second will drawn up under suspicious circumstances trumped the first will which left a good part of Abbott's estate to his wife whereas the second did not, and the grieving process lasting all of two days.

Victoria knows that you will die someday and death scares her. Death is hard to explain to the children which is not to say she has any of her own except that she plays step-mommy to your biological child. Isn't that special, Victor? Doesn't it make you want to get better so that you can help Jack Abbott buy a mostly failed cosmetics company? You go, Victor! Get out there and cosign a loan for Abbott. Make his day! Listen to attorney Michael Baldwin lobby against it on behalf of Abbott's widow, but do it anyway. If there's one thing you want to accomplish before having brain surgery it's that your enemy, turned best pal, the man who had sex with your wife and played daddy to that worthless son you call Nick and stepped over your limp body, gets what he wants. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

The Yellow Brick Road

September 12, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

I'd like to say that the ink hasn't dried on her divorce papers, and already Sharon Newman has her legs spread waiting for the first man who hasn't had sex in a year to come along and service her, only I used those words in a previous article concerning the Newman marriage breakup and I suspect the ink is dry. It wasn't so shocking today that Sharon had sex, it was who she had sex with. The stable boy, the pool boy, her new best girlfriend, I could understand.

But Jack Abbott?

I'd say it's disgusting that Sharon would turn to an older man, a man who for a brief time was her step-father, only I'm told this is what women do. Women like older men. They fantasize about having sex with their fathers and grandfathers and uncles. Sharon would have had sex with her father-in-law had she the chance and with incestuous relationships a way of life in Genoa City, that Sharon let Jack hump her only made my stomach turn.

That Jack would hump Sharon is typical too. Here's a guy fifty if he's a day still living in his father's home with his sperm-stealing sister. For all Jack's marriages he's never made one of them last. He's got at least two kids he hasn't seen in years and seems to have no interest in. He swore Luan Volein would be the only women he'd ever love but the instant Luan died Jack was on the prowl. He nailed Phyllis Summers and swore she'd be the only woman he'd ever love only she dumped his ass when it became clear Jack was using her.

Jack swears he'll always be there for Phyllis' teenage son yet ignores his own biological son. Next he'll be telling Sharon she's the only woman when it appears both are carrying on so as to get even with his former wife and her former husband even as Phyllis plans to marry Nick Newman and those two are planning to go on a Caribbean cruise.

Yes, with the rich, with the grand opening of their happily extended mixed family business, Nick and Phyllis can just go off on a sea cruise. Phyllis, said to be such an important part of NVP, Nick, as co-CEO of his father's empire, can up and leave at the drop of a hat leaving his mother to run NVP with Sharon who is nothing to the success of NVP and who will be too busy letting Jack pork her to spend much time at the office.

Nikki Newman, pretty much running NVP by her lonesome, won't mind. She may not even notice that her son and right-hand woman are gone because she spends little time at the office herself and won't be popping into the Newman Ponderosa tackyroom where Nick and Phyllis have moved supposedly so that Nick could be closer to his son during Noah Newman's trauma of having his family destroyed. Sharon, do damned determined to set a good example for Noah, will think nothing of what might happen should she become pregnant with Jack's baby and have to explain that to Noah.

"Noah, my son, since you're so happy your father and his whore are giving you a new baby sister to replace the old one, the half-sister Cassie who I ditched for most of her young life, I figured you'd be happy to hear that not only are you getting another brother or sister, but another step-daddy too! Isn't that wonderful? Yeah, you know Jack. In a way, he's Daniel Romalotti's step-dad too and I know how much you worship Daniel. I bet Jack will always be there for you too the way he is for Daniel," Sharon might say.

The way he's going, Noah will have all kinds of role models to look up to so he probably won't miss his grandmother should Nikki die. Not from natural causes because she's such an old cow, but from the fright of having so many guns pointed at her during this year alone. She might die from the exhaustion of having Noah's wigged-out grandfather take aim at her and after talking Victor Newman off his epileptic ledge, have the old fart committed.

Yup, it's the old I've got epilepsy tale where a man can't deal with his disease like other epileptics, he's got to have doctors making house calls. He's got to refuse to take medication too many Americans can't afford much less refuse. Victor can run up huge medical bills and not worry as to how those bills will be paid and try to escape from the God Have Mercy Medical Center which you really can't blame him given the constant quack quack sound accompanying the visions in Victor's cracked head.

Victor's admission to the cuckoo's nest will run the medical tab higher, but who cares? Unlike the "annual" Arts Society Gala held once in 2003, this is the compelling drama, the never-ending crisis members of the Newman family go through each and every year. This is one foot in the grave Victor whining that his disease frightens him as he lashes out at Nikki for trying to help. This is Victor deciding to have brain surgery adding more to the bill and reminding common sufferers that they should be so rich. This is Victor signing papers as he's being wheeled into the operating room so that Jack can get a loan to buy Jabot Cosmetics and Gloria Abbott and her off-spring can argue over whether this deal was similar to John Abbott's second will signing and a judge declaring it was all perfectly legal.

Of course, the only good thing to come from Victor having his head sliced open is that it could prove he never had a brain. Like his son and daughter, his wife and daughter-in-law, Victor is but an empty-headed character from the Wizard of Oz going down the paved with gold, yellow brick road.

Get Real!

August 23, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Brace yourself! Prepare for impact! If you think when Victor Newman returns to Genoa City a changed man think again!

The Victor has epilepsy yarn is not plot-driven because, well, there is no plot. It's all about strange emotions rich people are afflicted with. Victor and his dysfunctional family must come to grips with his medical ailment. Even as Nikki Newman fears her daughter could be impregnated with the sperm of a man she almost married, as Victoria Newman settles for her mother's sloppy seconds, the overriding fear is what will become of another old man?

Somewhere between Kansas and Wisconsin Victor stops by an Indian monastery where he has another in a series of visions. The monks will ship the great man off to a witchdoctor who will put Victor back on his anti-seizure medicine and send him home. Alas, all is not good. The meds have side effects including - schizophrenia! Victor may look the same as before he hit the dusty trail to Kansas, but he's getting worse with each passing day.

The slow destruction of a great man will make Victor's children realize their daddy is mortal. No, really. Nick Newman and his sister have always seen Pa as bigger than life. Never mind that Nick once wanted Victor behind bars, that was then, this is now. Victor can't die - can he?

A bigger question is whether Victor will be lucid enough to get even with Jack Abbott. The answer is no. Why?

Because even though Jack took advantage of Victor, he also grew emotionally closer to him! It's true! It's unexpected!

Yes friends, we may not know it yet, but Jack was very moved. He was affected on a deep level. Crap happens. Hate a man most of your life and one day be touched by that very same man. It's a freaking miracle! It's a bonding! Jack is really, really worried about what will become of Victor. Will they kiss? Not bloody likely. There are standards limiting how far bonding between men can go. Wouldn't want to send the wrong message.

The better message is to portray illness in a realistic way. Show the extreme reactions. The radical decisions. The doctors making house calls. The presumed to be paid medical bills. The not worrying about having health insurance. The in-the-event-of-my-death videotapes. The falling hair. The worried children dealing with death in their own ways. The oh, did I have breast cancer, you'd never know it implications. The dispensing of medication for illnesses so obscure they can't be diagnosed. The my-baby-is-going-to-be deformed worries. The we-must-be-very-real issues as two Nazis are slaughtered in a church, the killer gets away and nobody saw a thing and thus the police did not investigate and the conspirators took a vow of silence that may, like the secret of Ashley Abbott's true paternity, go with them to their graves.

Oh yes, we must get real. We must depict Victor as mortal when he, and others, has sustained injuries that would have killed the average man. The hits over the head with fireplace pokers and baseball bats and candleholders. The slicing knife wounds for which no medical treatment is sought. The drugs injected directly into their eyeballs of which the victims lose consciousness but make remarkable recoveries with not so much as a twinge of withdrawal. The tortured victims who, following their release, head straight to the beauty shop, these are the elite of Genoa City. These are the epileptics and the diabetics and the alcoholics and the addicts and it's all so real.

In Search of the Holy Grail

August 7, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Does anyone know what advice Hopeless Adams gave Victor Newman other than to go back and tell his family what's wrong with him? And what's wrong with a man who travels all the way to Kansas and doesn't ask about his almost teenage son living there? What does it say when a blind woman can't tell there is something seriously wrong when a man is rolling on the floor having convulsions? Did Hopeless stop to think Victor might have seen himself on television making a joke out of Epilepsy?

Why did Hopeless keep asking Victor what was wrong when she knew whatever was wrong was serious enough that she should call for help, but when Victor snapped out of his funk forgot about calling for help instead demanding that he tell her what was going on? Does anyone know why a man would ask a woman who cannot see what had happened to him? Does anyone find it strange that for the third time in his meaningless life Victor is facing death and that he needs to find what's "out there" for him while he still has time on Earth?

Hopeless didn't, but she should have told the great man what's out there. A pine box and a hole in the ground. Why can't people like Victor accept that they don't live forever? What makes them so afraid of death? Isn't that what this is about? People get old, they get diseases, they pay taxes and then they die. At 65, Victor knows what's wrong. He's epileptic. He should be thankful he doesn't have cancer or rheumatoid arthritis or not have money to pay for his prescription drugs. He should be happy knowing he can snap his fingers and doctors appear at his feet.

And now, after accomplishing nothing in Kansas, Victor is on the move again. He is apparently driving a rental car and putting other lives in danger and not thinking of anyone but himself as evidenced by his failure to take one final look at his namesake, Victor Newman Jr. That junior was off at some camp was no excuse. Like Noah Newman and Abby Carlton, young Newman could have been plucked out of camp with one phone call from Hopeless.

Hopeless could have called Victor's family to voice her concern. She could have saved Nikki Newman all that time wasted on calling hotels looking for the man. Nikki could have saved herself the trouble had she only remembered that whenever Victor takes off he almost always winds up with a former wife or some whore like Ramona Caceres. Ah, but there poor Nikki was, dialing the Motel 8's and Ramada Inn's from her office when she'd said earlier she was expecting Victor to call the Ponderosa and leave a message on the answering machine. A prudent might ask: "If Nikki was expecting Victor to call the Ponderosa, why was she at the office? With all other adult Newmans tied up, one literally, with the Nazi dilemma, who was available to answer the phone? The slave? The ranch hands?"

It's a rhetorical question requiring no answer because we know the answer. The left-hand doesn't know what the right-hand is doing. There are too many cooks spoiling the broth. Victor has gone in search of the Holy Grail too many times.

If the Disease Fits, Have One

July 20, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

I'm not epileptic like Victor Newman apparently is so I don't pretend to know whether the symptoms he's displaying are real - or not. I do have fits like Victor is having and can therefore say that what Victor is doing is giving me fits. I'm having one right now. I'm having trouble comprehending how an epileptic can operate a motor vehicle and whether he should be operating so much as a dishwasher. Given the visions and the voices Victor is hearing, is it a good idea for him to be making the one hour drive each way to and from the Newman Ponderosa? Isn't that how Victor got himself to the office this week? Is it just me, or do we want people like this on our highways? Why hasn't the Wisconsin DMV been notified and Victor's license suspended?

They do that you know. DMVs will pull a driver's license if they so much as suspect the driver has a medical problem like low blood sugar. LBS can cause drivers to pass out. Once reported to the DMV, it can take people with problems like this forever to get their licenses back. They must submit medical statements showing them to be safe to drive and be approved by the State's chief medical officer a process that can take weeks.

As I understand it, Victor's daughter knows he's epileptic yet Victoria Newman, told by her daddy not to worry too much, let Victor out of her sight for a few minutes and damn but what he went, what was called, "missing". Victoria Newman did not check around the Ponderosa to see if the once great man went horseback riding or ask if any of the ranch hands had seen the old fart. She did drive straight to the office to ask her mother; had Nikki Newman seen Victor?

From the moment she said no, Nikki began to worry and that was before Victoria told her the old man has epilepsy. Then Nikki was really worried to the point of tears. Any excuse to bawl and whine, I suppose, it's not like Victor has brain cancer. So long as he stops driving while seeing visions he's not going to die tomorrow. It then occurred to Nikki that her daughter had left Victor alone and she couldn't understand why given that Victor has been having seizures and generally acting strange.

Claiming she was going to find him, Nikki placed a call to the Newman slave. Miguel Rodriguez was ordered to let her know the moment Victor came home. Amazingly, within the hour so it seemed, Victoria announced she'd already researched epilepsy and in her hand held what appeared to be printouts from the Internet!

You gotta love these people. A major disease hits and where do they go first for information? From a doctor? This gives me fits because while there is reliable information on the net, people like the Newmans have the power to snap their fingers and have doctors appear in their homes and office. Why not save all that googling time and get the information directly from the quack's mouth so to speak?

Now, keeping in mind that Nikki was bawling and needing to find Victor, what did she do? She stopped to look at his paper snowflake collection which only made her have another bawling jag and to say again how much she needed to find Victor. So what do she do? Did she go home or to any of the number of places Victor could be? Hell, no! She tried calling him again!

Had this old cow got off her fat ass she would have found Victor at the Athletic Supporter where he was coherent enough to know who Jack Abbott is and to ask Abbott for news concerning the paternity of Phyllis Summers' unborn baby. Victor so had his wits about him he was able to discern Abbott wasn't being himself and kept pressing until he had Abbott spilling his guts.

As usual, Jack was whining about himself. Phyllis is the one pregnant and Jack's bitching his life has been turned upside down by a woman who has caused him so much pain. It's not like Jack hasn't slipped a blade into his former wife's back so many times she left him. It's not like on the same day he professed to propose to Phyllis again he didn't have sex with the office whore, it's all about what Phyllis did - and is doing - to him.

Paranoid, because he took advantage of a supposedly demented man, Jack was so convinced by Victor's demeanor he thought Victor was setting him up when Victor said that having epilepsy "is like a spiritual awakening. Victor was so in control of his faculties he managed to find his way to Newman Enterprises, switch his medication with a placebo and have a chat with the desperately searching for him Nikki.

If I didn't know better I'd say Nikki is the one with epilepsy. I'm not certain Victor isn't putting on an act. All this talk about having a "breakthrough", being at "peace" and not wanting to take his meds strikes me as disingenuous. Something tells me people with epilepsy know to take their meds. Take this unedited email from a GCN reader for example:

"I think it is so wonderful that Y and R is doing a story line about Tempol Lobe Epilisepy. I have had it for over 27 years, and many people do not nor want to understand it. No one, not even drs understand this seizure condition. And, it is very hard to live with. Thank goodness that I have such a wonderful and understand husband and kids. My seizures are not well controlled and it started after I fell off an Army truck and hit my head on a huge tree truck, while I was in the Army. Six months later, I started having seizures. It does affect your behavoir, your moods. Everything about your life. I have not driven a car since I was 20 years old, (that was in 1978!!!) I understand that Victor will be doing tv spots on this disorder, and I just want to say "THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!" I wish more actors were brave enought to stand up and speak on this subject. So many people do not understand about it, and many people are arrested, or made to feel like they are crazy.

And, thanks so much!

Katherine M

Note: the writer's last name was removed for privacy reasons and out of concern that those who hate anything written using excessive exclamation marks and misspelled words can be enough to give them fits.

Frosty the Snowflake

June 23, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

As I'm so want to do when it comes to Genoa City, I got to thinking. What if, like Victor Newman, I had a collection of paper snowflakes in my office. Not that my snowflakes would be identical, mine would all be different. As owner of the Kellogg Empire, whenever I found time to sit around cutting snowflakes out of paper I'd damn well be meticulous. I would have photographs, probably slow-mo video too, of real flakes falling from the sky so as to pick out those most intriguing and worthy of having paper copies of. I would have the finest scissors money could buy. There would be at my disposal a veritable toolbox filled with scissors of all sizes. Tiny ones for extreme detail work, large ones for basic design and a few thimbles to protect the tips of my fingers from calluses.

If I had been engaged in this bizarre hobby for more than a month or two my office closet would be full of albums in which each flake is laid out and maybe a snapshot of the real flake which so inspired me along with a written caption as to what I was thinking at the time. Since I've never actually done this, since all I've ever collected are postage stamps and US coins mostly state quarters, I can only imagine what one thinks when cutting out identical paper snowflakes.

"December 2005. Replica of first Winter flake to fall on new Ford Ranger."

"January 2006. Replica of flake that landed on my nose while shoving the sidewalk."

"February 2006. Replica of last Winter flake to fall on Ford Ranger."

"May 2006. Replica of flake floating by window during freak snow storm."

Moreover, if the flakes in my collection all looked the same I'd most likely not show it to anyone. I'd keep it locked up for fear if word got out I'd be seen as eccentric, if not outright deranged. People would gossip. "Did you know Brent cuts snowflakes out of paper and they all look the same? Isn't that strange? Shouldn't he be collecting baseball caps and coffee mugs and porn like we do? Should we report him to the authorities? He could be planning to poison the world snow supply."

In my old age there's a good chance I'd leave the office one day and forget to lock the collection up. Like Victor, I often forget to lock my office so that the guy from Brinks can just wander in, hack my computer and go through my desk. My wife often sneaks in to make sure I'm not smoking and so far hasn't seen the flakes I drop on the floor or leave laying on my desk. Lucky for me too, or else I'm sure she'd want to know why they all look the same or why I'm cutting them out of paper. Far as I know, Gail doesn't know about my strange hobby most likely because she has a strange habit of taking pictures of the flowers and plants in her garden and not once, that I know of, ever looked at the photos again.

But if she did find out, if, like Nikki Newman, Gail was to find a pile of flakes on my desk and ask WTF? I'd just tell her I'm making snowflakes for my grandson. Strike that. I'd say I'm "helping" our grandson make snowflakes for a project Billy Bob is working on at Baseball Camp. Gail would buy this you understand because everyone knows; if it's one thing young boys Billy's age do at baseball camp it's make snowflakes out of paper! It helps too if you understand that in Wisconsin, baseball camps for young boys are like summer training camps for professional athletes. See? It takes awhile, but if you think about it long enough it makes perfect sense. Oh, keep in mind, Billy Bob doesn't know that his granddad is helping him with this project. It's a surprise!

Yes, Gail would understand this too because she's well aware Billy Bob is about as gay as gay can be. Not that there's anything wrong with that. If Billy Bob gets off on baking cookies and preparing pancakes for his father and the old ladies down at the nursing home, who am I to say there's anything wrong with a boy aspiring to be a homemaker? I suspect Gail would see my helping Billy Bob as nothing more than the "new" me. If you haven't noticed, I've changed. I used to be a real prick. Now I'm, well, cutting snowflakes out of paper. See? Perfectly normal. So don't give me any lip or I'll sic Zapato on you.

Tell Me, What'd I Say?

June 9, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Pawing through the GCN archives the other day - which by the way if you are one who enjoys history you may be interested to know we've remodeled the archives files and made them easier to navigate - I seem to recall coming across an article titled "Is This the Death of Victor Newman?" In a hurry, and too tired at the moment to look it up again, seems too the item wasn't about Victor's death in the sense that he was at death's doorstep, but rather speculation as to what might happen should Victor die.

Lord knows Victor should be dead and probably would be if he didn't have nine lives. Remember the New Mexican desert where he push madman Chet off a cliff? Remember Ramona Cacares and her medical peyote or whatever natural wonder drug she'd developed? Too bad Romana didn't market the stuff. It would have sold better than that goop Victor's subsidiaries and Jabot Cosmetics sell. Which reminds me, how is Glow Again selling? Did consumers go back to buying it bulk once Andrew Gibson dropped his lawsuit? Was Carmen Mesta's spin so effective consumers forgot that a woman died after using Glow Again?

While Victor is very much alive, his near death experiences have always had a positive impact on the Newman family. You know the story all too well. Newman's in turmoil. Newman's at each other's throats and then - boom! A member of the family comes down with something thought to be life-threatening. They fall into frozen ponds, get kidnapped or carjacked and after miraculous recoveries stand around patting themselves on the back and spouting how they are Newmans and nothing can do them under.

So now, at a time when Victor is being so sweet, when he's all but kissing the ass of his arch enemies and oozing so much love Jack Abbott couldn't resist going to work for the great man, when Victor's got a collection of identical paper snowflakes in his hope chest, no pun intended considering Victor's former wife Hope Adams Newman Wilson will soon be visiting him as a vision, when he's putting his head in the Xerox machine and walking around with a bandage on his head and letting Jack play Uncle to his biological daughter, what's the next best thing to Victor dying?

Coming down with ALS. Yes, Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis. A disease that robs people of their speech and, while I don't pretend to be a doctor like those quacks at the God Have Mercy Medical Center, I would assume hearing too. What's that you say? Could you speak up please? Anyone got one of those buffalo horns handy? Victor's gonna need one. He couldn't hear what that old cow he calls a wife was bitching about today.

Nikki Newman is always bitching about something. If she's not whining that her son and daughter-in-law can't keep their marriage together, if she's never satisfied with the men her daughter chooses for lovers, she's moaning about that sperm-stealing, baby-killing bitch, Ashley Abbott. That's what she was doing Friday when Ashley called Victor on the phone. The old Victor would have run straight to Ashley's tentacles, but the new Victor told the bitch that unless what she was calling about was an emergency to take her problems elsewhere. For this, for telling Ashley in so many words to go to hell, Nikki was pleased and told Victor as much only he couldn't hear what she was saying.

Victor losing his hearing doesn't have to be a bad thing. Think about it. How much better off would you be if you couldn't hear half the crap the people around Victor spew? Unfortunately, I've got this sinking feeling that like all the other medical catastrophes this one will get butchered too. Like breast cancer, the misinformation pumped out on the subject of ALS will leave those who actually have the disease scratching their heads. And in the end, when Victor finds a miracle cure, Y&R will receive an award for a great public service when in fact history shows that each time Y&R steps foot into the medical world, when it dabbles in anything closely resembling reality, it steps in - what's an educated word for it - no, not crap, not dung, not bile, not poop, what's that other 4-letter word starting with 'S'? Yeah - that one.

It's the Hypocrisy, Stupid!

April 24, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

It is a time of great wonder and hope and juicy wellness spas masquerading as just another day in Genoa City life. It is a time of spiritual awakening and innovative excellence resulting in unprecedented abilities to go from mailroom clerk to the head of Newman Enterprises in just under two years depending upon how long one's nose is. Yes, friends, this is business as usual in the mini-megalopolis.

It started first thing Monday morning when Victor Newman summoned his brood together to make the announcement. From now on, son Nick and daughter Victoria are what they always were: Incompetents working for daddy the new boss, same as the old boss. The ruler of the empire, who along with his lovely wife Nicole, as she was known in the stripper trade, will become a team working together to make not only NE richer and powerful than ever before, but the chain of wellness spas they call NV too.

It's not like the kids didn't know the day was coming. It's not like Nick was barely capable of running a coffee shop when he owned the Jitter Joint and nobody could look at Nick's scruffy face and not laugh when they learned he was, until today, second in command at the empire. And like executive Brad Carlton, who recently said he runs a nameless division, it's never been clear what, exactly, Nick does at NE.

Just last week Victor told junior he's so out of touch and so love struck he has no idea what's going on when it comes to business. One of the first who should have known that Brad snatched a deal away from right-hand man Neil Winters, Nick was the last to know.

"It's yesterday's news! You don't know much about anything, do you?" Victor growled, when Nick said he'd just gotten wind of Brad's coup.

As CEO until today, Victor didn't have anything good to say about Victoria either, what with her making wedding arrangements on company time, making sweetheart deals and literally in bed with Brad.

So Victor's back at the helm. It's all good. Nikki is giddy. She thinks this what's old is new again won't be what it's always been; a sham. Nikki keeps saying she won't put up with Victor's power trip, except she always does. She lays on the floor and allows Victor to walk all over her.

Others see Victor as an international man of power too. In a published report, Victor's alter ego was congratulated for "busting Brad" and putting the kids in their place. "It's long overdue on both counts," said Eric Braeden, forgetting of course that Brad hasn't been busted. Unless his demise is in the pipeline, Brad is still where Victor allows him to be.

Victor bellyaches he doesn't approve of Brad marrying his daughter, he has refused to give the bride away, he says repeatedly he can't trust Brad and is having dirt dug up on him, yet Brad is still working for Victor while Phyllis Summers is out because she made Nick have sex with her.

Not that Phyllis shouldn't be gone and never, ever allowed to come back, it's the hypocrisy. It's Phyllis' arrogance!

"I've been fired before," she told Nick today, flicking off another termination as no big deal at a time when average workers across the nation are struggling to hold onto their low paying jobs. Phyllis says she got off easy. Back safe and sound in a plush Jabot office with nothing to do Phyllis is concerned that Newman will need new letterhead now that her name isn't part of the spas project.

Nick, as if needing to prove he is indeed a dinkwad, said he hadn't thought about that and wondered if Victor will be upset.

"He hates waste," Nick actually said, as if he and his sister aren't the biggest waste of human resources NE has seen these past few months. Like Victor would give a rip, or that new stationary will break the Newman bank.

Adding to their delusion Nick said he'll be putting his nose to the grind stone and Phyllis said it's good to bury one's self in work. In fact, she does it too!

Listening to these freaks talk about work is always good for a few laughs because neither Phyllis or Nick has ever worked a day in their meaningless lives. Phyllis, as the all-important webmaster, Nick, as the boy in the bubble, mail clerk Daniel Romalotti with his feet up on Victor's desk pretending to be Victor and declaring that when he grows up he wants to be like Vic, is not quite as hilarious as when Daniel's wife said today, while she was selling trinkets and scant clothing for minimum wage at Lauren Baldwin's Little Shop of Horrors, said, "Delivering mail is a good job with a future."

I am not making this up. Lily Romalotti really said this as her one and only friend, Colleen Carlton added, "Yeah, he [Daniel] could end up a mogul like Victor Newman himself."

The insanity didn't stop there. As the little girls foresaw great things damn but what Victoria wasn't, at the same time, in the shop blowing money on a dress her soon to be step-daughter, Abby Carlton will wear at the wedding. Lily, without thinking it odd that seemingly all of the customers who shop for horrors are either related to her, or someone she knows, informed Colleen how lucky she was to have not only been invited to the wedding, but had been selected as the bride's matron of dishonor. To the contrary, Colleen said Lily was the lucky one to be working in a horror shop and having an employee discount with which to purchase so much junk!

Even if the discount Mrs. Baldwin gives her employees is 20%, and knowing what a cheapskate Lauren is, it isn't, for anyone to think that saving twenty cents on the dollar is in any way a great deal, is as ludicrous as when Lauren noticed the ring on Abby's finger and remarked how it matched Abby's dress and lip gloss! Then, for Victoria to purchase a "friendship bracelet" for Colleen and say she wants Colleen to think of her as a "friend" instead of a step-mother wasn't as crazy as when Victoria said, "We're going to be a family."

I mean, Jesus! Isn't this notion of being a family and that it somehow makes them special something reserved for Cassie and Noah Newman to say? Haven't they all learned by now that family means nothing in Genoa City? Has Victoria not seen with her own eyes, or felt the knife in her back, planted there by members of her own clan? How long before Colleen sticks it to her?

That question may have been answered by Victor's alter ego. With regard to how Nick and Victoria disrespect him so, Eric Braeden says, "It's ridiculous, of course! There is generally an obnoxious tendency in television to make schmucks of men as fathers and husbands. I personally was instinctively against the notion of the kids dealing with their father rather disrespectfully at various times in the last two or three years. I totally, viscerally disagreed with it, and yet it makes for some drama, obviously."

Drama? Spoiled kids dissing and stabbing their parents in the back and praying they'll go to prison? This is drama?

As to Brad marrying Victoria when he almost married Victoria's mother, the age difference and the incestuous implications, Braeden notes, "Obviously, there are moments of amnesia in soap operas. I understand the writers' problem there [...] to keep all of this interesting day after day."

Moments of amnesia? How about oil tankers full of it? For a few bucks the writers could hire a continuity manager. Hell, the GCN would do it for free. Nevertheless, despite the flaws and the blunders and the idiocy, Braeden says, "I have the deepest respect for them."

The bottom line, as some see it, is that Victor has found his balls.

"You bet! He just kept the testosterone at bay for awhile," Braeden laughed.

Testosterone? In an old man? Would this be the same testosterone that fuels the sperm Ashley Carlton felt was so precious she had to steal some and Victor forgave her and mostly forgot that Abby is his daughter? The daughter he lost interest in like Paul Williams lost interest in Ricky Carl and Lauren lost interest in Scotty Grainger and now says her unborn baby won't be like all the other babies in this town and Nikki soon got over the fact she killed Joshua Casein and Mac Browning didn't think losing an unborn child was any big deal and Jack Abbott forgot Kyle and Keemo and the list of shattered families is so long its entirely can't be displayed here?

Is this funny? Is this why we all fall down in fits of dramatic, compelling, painful laughter each day?

It's the hypocrisy, stupid.

Victor the Terrible

April 18, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Before the news for Tuesday came in I was thinking, golly, whatever is it couldn't be more outrageous than it was on Monday - could it?

It could, and it was.

Without knowing specifically what would blow me away, I should have known there would be something. I should have known that Nikki Newman would be whining again that she's so worried about her precious family, what with Nick and Sharon's marriage on the rocks again, her daughter about to marry a man that she herself nearly married, but when it comes to the family or her Mickey Mouse chain of wellness spas, she's putting the business first. And lo, Nikki decided today that Phyllis Summers shall not be dumped from "NVP" regardless of whether Victor Newman has already ordered Phyllis to leave his building.

For those who've never quite figured out what those initials stands for, it's Nikki, Victor and Phyllis. Quite original, don't you think? When you start seeing wellness centers with the name NVP out in front won't you automatically think of the former stripper named Nicole? Won't you think of the great Victor Newman, and the home-wrecker, Phyllis Summers? Thought so.

As for Phyllis, she got a pep talk today from Jill Abbott who said that if Phyllis really, really wants her dream to come true she's got to "fight" for it even if it means taking on the great man. In the event Phyllis needs help, Jill said she'd be willing to put in a good word for her with Victor, but Phyllis said she'll handle Victor. This, we gotta see.

It was interesting too to hear Jill say the Press is hounding Jabot again. This time over the tainted toxin called Glow Again and how using it has caused the death of one woman so far. If the Press is "hassling" them the way it hassled the Abbotts following the death of Tom Fisher, they don't have much to worry about. Still, Jill said the Press does it because it likes to see Jabot executives "squirm". Jill needs to get out of the office more often. If she did she'd see that by their very nature the people running Jabot are squirly enough without any prodding from the Press.

I don't know if Phyllis likes to hear herself talk, or what makes her so delusional to have told Jill that when she worked at Jabot she was so "amazed" at how the company's top skunk oil sniffer, Ashley Abbott, was always so "dedicated" to quality and safety so it couldn't possibly be that Ashley had anything to do with the toxic Glow Again.

You gotta love Victor though. Always one step ahead of the sheep, always there to ruin Nikki's life, he wasted no time withdrawing his financial support for NVP. That means, if it survives, NVP will become NP. If potential customers don't know what NVP is, what will they think NP is? Nuclear Proliferation? That about sums it up if Nikki's business venture doesn't explode before then.

In a related development, in a classic example of you snooze you lose, Newman executive Neil Winters had the rug pulled out from under him today when Brad locked up the acquisition of Granville Global. Whiling away the hours putting the pork to his freaky wife, it was only after Neil had put his pud away that he remembered what a feather in his cap it would mean if he could track down George Granville and seal a deal with the man before anyone else. Unfortunately, Neil choose to repeatedly email Mr. Granville and sit around on his ass sending more email when Granville failed to respond, when Brad was taking the bull by the horn and tracking Granville down to a remote fishing village in Australia!

I know that when I become the CEO of anything and go off on a fishing trip, I'll be sure to take along my cellphone so I won't miss those important calls.

Brad was, of course, working on his new plan of action. Since nobody has really known what it is Brad does at Newman Enterprises besides chasing the boss' daughter, he announced today efforts to establish a "power base" to fit the "division" he runs at NE. Brad must have got this idea from the President of the United States who always blabs about having a power base yet remains one of the post unpopular presidents ever. Hey! It's true. It could happen to Brad, especially since creating anything beyond Victor the Terrible's reach is impossible. But, since she's in love with this fool, Brad that is, Victoria Newman went along with the plan because doing so would be the start to "diminishing" her father's stranglehold on the company as a whole.

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