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2007 News Archives - Brad Carlton

See also: History of a Reliquary

The Letter in Night Court

by Brent Kellogg
November 28, 2007

Did you folks know that I'm going to testify in a right to die case? Matter of fact, I'm the petitioner. You see I was married to this woman who was related to my wife before that who is the sister of my wife before that and, well, it's complicated. It's not that I didn't love Victoria. She was everything a man would want, but like all men, I wasn't satisfied. When Victoria's sister-in-law came into my life and willingly spread her legs, what was I do to? I say was because Victoria is in a coma and could die at any moment. Like me, Victoria cheated with another man and now she's got a baby in her belly that could be mine, or it could be that of my daughter's former boyfriend.

There was a time when I loved J.T. like my own son, but when he went and dumped Colleen, when he had sex with my wife, that ended that. Now the little fag wants to let my baby die and I won't allow it. Okay, so fag is a little strong, but I'm telling you there's something girlish about him that's always bothered me. Did I mention that I almost married Victoria's mother too? I would have if she hadn't left me at the alter for a man who is now meddling in my unborn son's life. Victor wants to let the baby die too, and while I have no legal say in what decision Victoria's parents may make because I never bothered to demand a paternity test, when the parents reached an impasse I filed a petition with the court to become the baby's legal guardian. I mean, someone has to stickup for these unborn fetus' or society as we know it will collapse.

My concern so great that I waited until the very last second to get involved, I am not to be blamed if Victoria should die which she was supposed to have days ago. You see, I'll be testifying in court tonight. That's right, a special night court is being convened just to hear this case. With all this dying stuff being new to me, I've got a lawyer too, but so far he hasn't been much help. It had occurred to me that I just can't waltz into court and say I'd know Victoria wouldn't want her baby to die if it meant saving her life without having something in writing, or like my old wife had, a videotape of her dying wishes. I tried telling Victoria once that people like us fighting Nazis should have living wills in the event something like this should happen, but she wouldn't listen. I figured too, since I'm paying a lawyer big bucks, he'd ask if I could prove what I know Victoria knows, but he never mentioned anything about hearsay not being admissible in court, so what choice did I have but to take the witness stand and confess that I'm a cheating fornicator and that there's nothing written down as to what Victoria would want if she could speak for herself?

Lucky for me, the judge was conducting a kangaroo court. That's what I've always loved about Genoa City. You can go into court, question and scream at the lawyers, have the lawyers lead you and put words in your mouth, spit out hearsay, guess at what someone was thinking and the judge allows it into the record. But you know what? You know what I forgot knowing all along I was going to court tonight to plead for that precious baby's right to live?

The letter! My baby wrote a letter!

Not that baby, hey, he's not even born yet. Victoria! God love her, Victoria had the forethought to write a letter following the death of two other babies she couldn't bring to term. See what I mean about being lucky? Was the letter certified, or notarized? Hell, I don't know. Does it matter? First, I've got to get it admitted as evidence and the judge has already heard all the testimony. Think I can get the letter and back into court before the judge reaches his decision? Good thing the letter is in my car parked just outside, no? If you hurry, I bet you can get to the court in time to see for yourself what happens.

It Stinks!

August 21, 2007
by Brent Kellogg 

When you're but a little girl barely out of high school and the best sex you've had is with a hunkmonkey and a college professor, don't be surprised when the day comes that you fear turning out like your murdering-bastard, whore-chasing daddy.

That day came Tuesday for Colleen Carlton as once again, while she's claimed to be an independent adult woman capable of making her own decisions, she hissed that Brad Carlton has no right to control her. Funny, she didn't mind it so much when Brad gave her safe haven by taking her into his home so that she could get away from disciplinarians Traci and Steve Connelly who refused to tolerate her pot smoking and hanging out with much older dopers. Colleen didn't bitch about becoming like daddy when Brad was showering her with credit cards and anything her black heart desired. She didn't grumble when Ashley Carlton treated her like a step-daughter when in fact Colleen is Ashley's niece.

Ah, but things have changed. Brad's the bad guy again. When Phyllis Newman tried to extort him, it was the "payback" he so richly "deserved", says Colleen, and even if Brad gets on his knees, kisses her ass and apologizes to professor Gerbil for threatening to write a book exposing his past, Colleen won't forgive him. She's hasn't forgotten her days as a hateful pitchfork-wielding teen out to destroy Kevin Fisher, and by God she's going to help Gerbil write his book by confirming that daddy's real name is George Kaplan. "Take that, Daddy!" Colleen foams at the mouth as she sticks pins into a doll of Brad's likeness.

While he's by no means a role model for any child, and some may wonder who's watching his young daughter and whether Colleen has thought how her actions will impact half-sister Abby, and you can almost hear Colleen squealing about six months from now that she had no idea how many people she'd hurt, and if only she could go back in time to fix it, the writing seems to be on the wall for Brad.

Aced out of business deals, divorced from Newman meal ticket Victoria, shunned by the whore he thought he'd get once his wife was out of the way only to see today that Sharon Abbott is playing the happily married to a state senator role while she awaits the dispatching of her former hubby's wife to prison which will facilitate getting her Newman meal ticket back, Brad got slapped with another bummer today when mountain mama, Dr. Logan, announced she's joining Doctors Without Borders and leaving Genoa City.

A smart move to be sure, the God have Mercy Medical Center must have rejected Logan's job application, or she it, for not offering a salary commiserate with her rare skill of being able to heal and save lives with little more than a Band-Aid.

Before leaving town, the good doctor was fortunate to have been summoned to the home of trophy patient Nick Newman when the baby Nick has promised to take care of as if it's his own flesh and blood should Phyllis go to prison, developed a fever. Unable to locate their "regular" doctor, with the bad habit of rushing to the GHM ER whenever they get the slightest hangnail not an option, Phyllis seized the opportunity again to snivel that should she go to the Big House there won't be anyone around to change the baby's diaper.

Subsequent to Logan's visit, during which the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the baby except for maybe being exposed to a forever-bawling-what's-to-become-of-her mother, the Newmans chattered about the baby's likes and dislikes, favorite Gerber's, Huggies versus Depends, before singing a rendition of Johnny Cash's Folsom Prison Blues. Okay, so I made that last part up, but they did sing - badly, and as a bad joke Nick said he hopes the baby grows up to have his voice as if there's not already enough children in this city with identity issues given the baby is a girl.

Lest you think the absurdity stopped there; it didn't.

As if a premonition of what's to come, Phyllis complained of the electronic tracking device rubbing against her skin. Taking off a shoe and a sock that had been covering his stinky foot, Nick put the sock between Phyllis' skin and the device; the aroma a constant reminder of the boy she married. Or maybe it was the smell that set Phyllis' off on a sudden frenzy to film every move the baby makes between now and the time she gets out of prison.

Who Will Defend Brad Carlton?

May 30, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

Thanks to the Night Watchman, Spanky as I like to call him, for reminding me that with the arrest of Brad Carlton on perjury charges old Brad doesn't have a lawyer. As such I'm sitting on pins and needles for the moment he hires Michael Baldwin and when he does I'm going to scream bloody murder!

I'm going to rant that Brad can't hire the same lawyer Phyllis Newman has, and I don't care what Baldwin says about conflict of interest because Baldwin doesn't care about conflict of interest. Not that it ever does any good, I'm going to raise holy hell that Baldwin can't, as he does, represent everyone in this city charged with a crime. The point where Baldwin became incredible came and went long ago.

Disgusting a lawyer as she is, I'd be happy to see the creepy Christine 'Bug' Blair represent Brad. How she'd do that when she's in Los Angeles representing Eric Forrester, I don't know, unless that trial wraps up in time for the Bug to slither back to Genoa City where it's said she still works with Baldwin at the law firm Blair & Baldwin. That's the hole in the wall where local PI Paul 'Clueless' Williams works out of the broom closet and this too is not seen as a conflict.

What I found most amazing was that D.A. Wilma Bardwell was allowed to see, or was told of, Brad's, and his lover, Sharon Abbott's grand jury testimony. My understanding of grand jury procedure is that the testimony is secret until, or if, the GJ hands down an indictment and it hasn't which is no surprise as there's no evidence a crime was committed and Brad changed his story about Phyllis which is apparently why he was arrested. Keeping that in mind, that's there's been no indictment of Mrs. Newman, she is nevertheless worried about going to prison and Baldwin is allegedly preparing for her trial.

And how about the speed with which Bardwell obtained a warrant? The conversation with the judge issuing the warrant most have been something.

Wilma: Your honor, Mr. Carlton said Mrs. Newman threatened to blackmail him after learning he had sex with Mrs. Newman, subsequently recanted, and that's against the law!
Judge: You mean Mrs. Abbott?
Wilma: What?
Judge: Didn't Carlton have sex with Mrs. Abbott?
Wilma: No, he had sex with Mrs. Newman.
Judge: You mean Nikki Newman?
Wilma: No, Sharon Newman.
Judge: Sharon? Isn't she married to Nick Newman?
Wilma: She was, but now she's married to Jack Abbott.
Judge: So who's married to Mr. Newman?
Wilma: Nikki Newman.
Judge: Nick married his mother?
Wilma: That's Victor Newman. Nick is married to Phyllis who was married to Jack.
Judge: So Mrs. Abbott is now Mrs. Newman?
Wilma: That's right.
Judge: And they did what?
Wilma: They had sex together.
Judge: Isn't there a law against two women having sex?
Wilma: Read my lips! Mrs. Newman threatened to blackmail the man Mrs. Abbott had sex with.
Judge: Gloria sleeping around again is she?
Wilma: No! Sharon Newman, I mean Abbott, had sex with Carlton while they were both married!
Judge: Isn't that what married people do?
Wilma: They're married to different people!
Judge: Does Jack know?
Wilma: Does Jack know he's married? What the hell is wrong with you? What's that noise?
Judge: Were any laws broken?
Wilma: Last time I checked blackmail was against the law.
Judge: Was money - let me change hands - exchanged?
Wilma: It wasn't about money. It was Brad being told to vote a certain way at the office.
Judge: You mean this was a civil matter?
Wilma: Civil or not, Mrs. Abbott, Phyllis broke the law. What's that noise? What are you doing?
Judge: How?
Wilma: I told you. She made Carlton vote a certain way or she'd expose the affair.
Judge: Didn't the whole city find out anyway? Where's the blackmail?
Wilma: Well, um, yeah, you got a point there, but it's the ah, what's the word I want?
Judge: Stupidity?
Wilma: Ethics is more like it. Laws. We're a nation of laws. That's it.
Judge: Ethics - in Genoa City? So anyway, now you want to arrest the plaintiff?
Wilma: I do.
Judge: Whadda you think this is - a wedding?
Wilma: I'm getting married to Mrs. Abbott on Friday? You coming?
Judge: I already did.
Wilma: What?
Judge: Oops, damn! [Clanking sound heard as something falls and rolls under the bench]
Wilma: Is that a Magic Hitachi for men?
Judge: It's a prototype I'm trying out for a friend. Now where were we?
Wilma: Gloria! I'm marrying Gloria Abbott!
Judge: Isn't she married to John Abbott?
Wilma: He's dead!
Judge: He is? Did Mrs. Abbott kill him?
Wilma: No, she killed Emma Gibson! Mr. Abbott killed Tom Fisher, Mrs. Abbott's former husband.
Judge: Didn't Mrs. Abbott kill Cameron Kirsten?
Wilma: No, that was Sharon Newman.
Judge: Was she charged with a crime?
Wilma: I don't know, that was before my time.
Judge: Gloria was before your time? I know she's old. So you're going to marry a killer?
Wilma: Why shouldn't I? Mrs. Carlton is married to one.
Judge: Didn't Mrs. Carlton move to Hong Kong?
Wilma: That was Ashley Abbott. Victoria Newman married Mr. Carlton.
Judge: Carlton married two Abbott women before marrying and having sex with two other Newmans?
Wilma: You got it! Except that he didn't marry Sharon.
Judge: And what was it you want from me?
Wilma: A warrant!
Judge: For Gloria?
Wilma: No, you fool! For Brad Carlton!
Judge: You want to arrest the plaintiff?
Wilma: Dig out your ears!
Judge: Wouldn't arresting Jana Hawkes make more of an impression on the voters?
Wilma: Screw the voters! Jana who? Look, I've got a conviction record to think of. I'll be up for re-election one of these days.
Judge: Wrong again, Wilma. You were appointed.
Wilma: Wrong? I'm not the one who can't keep the Abbotts and the Newmans straight.
Judge: I think Billy is gay.
Wilma: Billy?
Judge: Billy Abbott. He's not married is he?
Wilma: Christ, how would I know?
Judge: If you marry Gloria won't you be Billy's step-father?
Wilma: I doubt it. Look judge, do I get the warrant or not?
Judge: Keep your shirt on, Wilma. You got breasts? I hear Billy likes male breasts.
Wilma: Your honor!
Judge: Okay, okay. Here's your warrant.

Carlton Gets Away With Murder!

February 22, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

Since I'm committed to writing about the crazies in Genoa City and the crazy things they do, I'm obligated to follow-up on their merciful missions as painful as that is.

It pained me to hear that in the Chex Republic Victor Newman and his one-man army consisting of Brad and Victoria Carlton would tell a security guard that they just happened to find an ancient ruins crypt open like some kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. I was surprised Milan Hawkes didn't tell them, "You break it, you own it" as he led then to the checkout counter and they, being foolish, tagged along like puppy dogs only to become suspicious when Hawkes disappeared.

"Do you think he's really a security guard?" Brad did not say as he and his teammates discovered they had been led into a trap.

Ah, another trap. What's that make for the week? Two? Three for the month? Kevin Fisher and Colleen Carlton trapped in a burning building? Phyllis Newman trapped in a retirement home?

Lucky for the Nazi hunters, Brad had drawn a map on the off chance they got lost. Negative as her step-daughter, Victoria felt the situation was hopeless until the boys stopped arguing and decided to go Brad's way since he had, after all, drawn a map. The trial hit a dead end however, when they reached a previously opened gate to discover it was closed.

Upon closer examination it was noted bars of the gate were wide enough for a small woman to squeeze through. And since she's thin as a dime, Victor figured his daughter the best to slip through and thus save them all. Ah, but Brad was opposed; something could "happen" to his wife that wouldn't happen if they were to stay where they were.

Overruling Brad, Victoria made the decision to go on her own. Once past the gate she asked for the flashlight the weary tourists just happened to have too and before heading onward listened as Victor barked that if anything happened to her he'd hold Brad responsible. It wasn't like Victor hadn't done this before; he has. He has repeatedly made empty threats and never once have those threatened been held responsible.

Imagine Victoria's good fortune as she trudged on and found Hawkes pocketing the valued treasure. Hawkes thought he'd heard something and peeking around, within a foot of his pursuer, wrote whatever had tweaked his ear drums off as a noisy mouse. Pressing on, Victoria went up a flight of stairs.

Meantime, back at the gate, it dawned on Victor that a swift kick to the gate might open it. And lo, but what it did. Catching up with Victoria the boys eyeballed Hawkes scooping up more treasure. Whispering in Brad's ear that they better do something, it was decided they would notify the police and then, as they went up the stairs, damn but what Hawkes caught them!

It didn't matter though. Brad, Navy seal that is was; Hawkes so scared he couldn't pull his gun or nightstick, peed his pants as Carlton pounded on him so bad he tumbled down the stairs and died just as police arrived. Well, they were parked just around the corner when the call came in.

And now, with the treasure recovered, what will become of it? Nobody seems to know. Will Brad be charged with murder? Not bloody likely. The cops did try to detain the motley crew, but Victor wouldn't stand for it; not when Colleen Carlton's life hangs in the balance. All it took was a phone call to the High Priest of the Chex Republic and the cops were helpless to stop them from leaving. And so - they did. And yes - it was declared later that their meaningless lives are no longer in danger.

Wait - isn't Jana Hawkes still on the loose? Won't she pissed to learn Brad killed her Pa? Of course they all think Kevin Fisher tried to kill poor Colleen and in fact D.A. Wilma Bardwell is expected to arrest Fisher even though he has said, "The case is in its infancy".

Reliquary Search Comes to an End!

January 25, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

Are you waiting? Are you on the edge of your seat? Will at any moment Victor Newman's "security" jump out of a potted plant and announce that the great man and Brad Carlton are safe? I am. I need a good laugh. It's been all of 24-hours since I've rolled on the floor when Neil Winters said he couldn't *69 a prank call on his phone and Michael Baldwin said he'd report the atrocity to the phone company. Not that there will be a follow-up to this absurdity, I for one would love to be privy to Baldwin's conversation with the phone company.

BALDWIN: "Mr. Bell, my clients are receiving prank calls and I want you to do something about it."
BELL: "Have they tried star sixty nine?"
BALDWIN: "This isn't about sex."
BELL: "Mr. Baldwin, please. Get your mind out of the gutter."

This just in from Der Spiegel:

The much anticipated Frito Bandito-like showdown, between Newman and Carlton and their captors, fizzled out today when captors and captives alike agreed to be friends! The new relationship wasn't without its harrowing moments, however.

Managing to get his hands on a pair of scissors, Carlton cut himself free without being seen by two alleged Nazis guarding them. Quick like a bunny, when Newman saw that his sidekick was free, the two faked an argument resulting in a tied up Newman kicking the gun being held on them out of a captor's grasp and Carlton getting his hands on it first.

The table turned, Carlton and Newman had time to ponder why the bad guys hadn't already taken off with the damaged artifacts the men purportedly wanted in exchange for the much sought after reliquary. Volunteering it wasn't the reliquary he was after, Newman said it was the owner of the reliquary owner they sought, a man Carlton's mother had said she knew.

Stepping forward, one of the men confessed he was the owner.

Oddly enough, at that moment in Genoa City, Rebecca Kaplan was having stomach discomfort. Saying she might have a bug, Rebecca nevertheless was well enough to tell crying in his beer over a blowup doll J.T. Hellstrom she was sorry to hear of his breakup with her son's daughter, but that the hunkmonkey would survive because, "He's young."

Back in Hitler's bunker, Carlton was telling the story of how his family was murdered because of the reliquary and it's owner only knew too well it was in demand which is why he'd been hanging onto it. Confused, Newman asked why anyone would risk their life for such a trinket when that's exactly what Newman and Carlton were doing; twice for Carlton.

Demanding to see the reliquary, its owner went off to fetch it. When he returned, guns pointed at Carlton and Newman were lowered and Newman untied which Carlton hadn't done because, well, wasn't he holding a gun? Can't chew gum and walk at the same time - can he?

The exchange made, Carlton and Newman were wished luck, the bad guys, who weren't so bad after all, departed, and as they say on the evening news, further details were not available.

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