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2007 News Archives - Ethan 'Cane' Ashby
See also: Jill Abbott

The Cane Futility
by Brent Kellogg
October 17, 2007

Oh Sweet Jesus, that lovesick fourth grader is at it again and the bile in my colon is churning. Lily Winters, the wannabe whore nobody except a sissy boy and a mentally unstable freak ever wanted, the sucking around an older man who doesn't want her either, Lily today got an instant message on her laptop and immediately went into losers remorse.

The message, presumably from former husband Daniel Romalotti, raised the bad memories gate. Looking into the abyss, Lily saw herself bringing hubby Daniel a steady supply of cold Bud Lights as he chilled on the sofa watching porn and masturbating. After every eruption, Daniel would swallow whatever was left of his brew, suck in a mouthful of air and then belch her name and blow it right in Lily's face.

"Oh my God that is so gross!" Lily would squeal, and then make that funny snorting noise and humming a few bars of I Feel Pretty, go get him another beer.

In bed, Lily would sniff Daniel's hair and think how it reminded her of kitty litter and later dream that she and Daniel were back on the run from the law. The faux daughter of a very important man like Neil Winters, a life of crime wasn't what Lily had wanted her life to be, but that Daniel, he was so manly at eighteen and nothing her parents said could convince the seventeen-year-old not to marry him.

But she did, they lived in squalor and loved it until Lily could no longer tolerate Daniel's love affair with porn - not so much because his addiction had drained their near empty bank account dry - but because Daniel didn't want sex with her.

The marriage over, Lily's pimp, Colleen Carlton threw a divorce party for her at which Lily got drunk on a few sips of spiked cranberry juice and had a fit when an uninvited Daniel and Amber crashed the party because she hadn't thought to declare her father's hole in the wall jazz club closed to the public. Rained on as her party was, it didn't stop Lily from hitting on the much older elephant in the room, Cane Ashby.

Looking for any reason to be with him, Lily stopped short of getting on her back. Not to say she wouldn't have, there were too many strangers around. And for the next several days Lily hit on Cane like a school girl hits on Ritalin until Cane told her he wasn't like her friend's college professor which is to say Cane doesn't sleep with his students.

Cane's invite to her babyish Ice Cream Night party didn't help either, and yet Lily used that unheard of family tradition as an excuse to bash her faux daddy for inviting his new lady so soon after her mother's death and acting like the six-year-old she is mentally, Lily's now got a bug up her ass because Daniel is seeing another, ahem, woman?

Not that Daniel has put the pork to Amber, what does it matter to Lily what he does or who he does? Isn't she the one who wanted the divorce? Didn't she thrust the annulment papers in his face and make him sign? Wasn't she proud of herself? Why today, when she received a message from "IBROMEO", a name that Daniel used to communicate with her when Lily was away at "boarding school" which was really a reform school because her parents couldn't handle her, did this make Lily think back to being married to Daniel and say that if she had it all to do over she would?

Doesn't Lily know Cane is hot for her? No, really, it's true. Hard as it is to believe, as mother Jill cried on his shoulder today, as she told Cane that she dreamed Mr. Kim Chee was alive and then died before her sunken eyes, Cane changed to the subject to what he sees in a woman! Whoever she may be, Cane said she has to be honest and caring and loving and gag me with a spoon, hot in bed. She must never have been in trouble with the law or too young to wear a training bra and above all, can't be blonde!

So who, of all the women there must be in a city the size Genoa that he can have, does Cane want? The luscious, intelligent, well-educated powerful Assistant District Attorney? No! Cane likes his girls young. He wants them still in school, under twenty and, if possible, virgin. If those fitting his criteria have had sex with a freak, if they've been married once to a porn addict, that's okay so long as they're willing to have his kids and can squirt mother's milk from their ripe and firm young breasts. Only one girl fits that bill - Lily Winters! Oh my, won't Lily look so swell with her belly bulging and her bare feet. Won't that be the day when they can peruse the book of baby names and agreeing that whatever name they chose, it can't be Daniel or Danielia.

Man Not Who He Claims to Be?

May 9, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

Was that you I heard groaning when it was hinted that Cane Ashby taking a job at Katherine Chancellor Sterling's construction company is part of an elaborate plan with his uncle to embezzle money, or somehow overthrow Sterling's rein on the Chancellor empire? Have you heard since then that Cane isn't really Phillip Chancellor III? Isn't there DNA proving he is? Probably not.

You'll recall that when the first DNA test came back negative Sterling and her daughter begged Cane to take another test for the old women desperately wanted Phillip to be alive and for Cane to be Phillip despite Katherine's brief suspicion that Cane wasn't to be trusted. Presto, change-o, Cane took another test and that one came back positive. Nobody thought it odd because DNA is so fallible. Everyone was elated. The old ladies couldn't wait for Cane to come into the fold and take his rightful place at the Chancellor helm much the way they'd hoped Billy Abbott would before Billy's gambling addiction got him kicked to Hong Kong.

Cane strung them along, let himself be tricked into a marriage to slut Amber Moore and last week discovered that he and his bride are nearly broke. Allowing brain dead Daniel and Lily Romalotti to talk him into accepting Katherine's job offer, the moment Cane took it he was on the telephone with who is suspected to be his uncle, telling uncle to be patient, and that things were falling into place.

When the Ashby's cash flow problem surfaced a shot of hope surged along my frazzled nerves. Silly, but I wanted the Ashby's to be the first of the trust fund babies not to accept a handout. I wanted Cane to say he'd be going out on his own to get a real job and like so many real people deal with having to pay the bills and keeping a roof over his bride's head. Just once it would have been nice to see someone not resorting to crime to solve their problems and when caught not worrying about going to jail or what will become of their children.

But it wasn't to be. Not only is Cane a crooked snake, he's not the Cane people think he is. There's no official confirmation that this is true, but there are rumors and rumors have a way of becoming fact. Cane's gonna be the new Elliot Hampton. Remember him?

November, 2004. Aware that Hampton had ripped Katherine off, Jack Abbott let him skip town! Jack told Katherine they'd be able to recover the millions Hampton had tucked away in off-shore accounts although Jack had no idea how. He was able to freeze Hamilton's personal accounts with one phone call on the assumption that all crafty crooks leave embezzled money in their checking and savings accounts. Furthermore, Abbott alluded that as soon as the allegations against Hampton could be proven, criminals charges would be filed, and the money returned to its rightful owner.

Learning that her company had been ripped off, Katherine was aghast, but somewhat relieved that Jack had taken firm action. As further punishment she suggested Jack have Hampton's credit cards cancelled too. But to show that he's a caring and compassionate man, Jack rejected the idea. What fun would it be for Hampton once he reached the Bahamas to discover his credit cards don't work? Give the guy a break. Give Hampton time to "find someone else to scam" Jack actually said.

So what we have is what we've had before. Only the names have been changed. Now we must feel sorry for the baby kidnapping Katherine because her black heart will be so broken; her wealth tapped into; the more money than she'll ever be able to spend reduced by a few million and someone like Jack will come along at the end to suggest Cane be sent to Hong Kong. In the meantime, the Ashby's will move into the Chancellor Mausoleum to taunt their victims similar to how Norman Peterson did which ended with Rex Sterling going to his grave which might not be so bad if this time both Jill Abbott and Katherine take a fatal bullet.

Need a Job? No Sweat!

May 8, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

Silly me. When I first heard that Cane Ashby was going to be given a construction job at Katherine Sterling's rarely heard of before construction company I thought he was, you know, going to perform manual labor! I thought we'd see him slinging a sledge hammer or walking atop pilings of the new trade center building, sitting on a crossbeam when the noon day whistle blew to eat sandwiches out of a lunch pail and calling down to the girls below.

Given the years I've spent covering the Genoa City elite, what was I thinking? Not only will Cane not be a blue-collar worker, he won't be coming home in the Ford pickup all sweaty to kiss his lovely bride. There won't be any kids rushing up to call him daddy; no dog barking; nothing so much as a hint that Cane did anything but drive to work, sit on his ass, and then drive home - if that.

In addition to receiving a fancy executive job from his new found grandmother, Cane's job comes with a contract. Oh, sure, the old lady warned Cane that if he doesn't perform he'll be out, but that's what all the rich kids working for their rich parents are told. They blow into the office whenever they want for as long as they want and drive the companies they work for into massive debt three times over before the parents notice.

Jack Abbott's a prime example. We've lost track of how many times he's ruined Jabot Cosmetics, been kicked out an equal amount of times and always manages to get back in. To this day he's still running Jabot albeit it illegally. In the event you haven't been following a long, the great Victor Newman has been vowing for months to take Abbott down and the best way Newman has found to do that is to ask, if he hasn't already, for Abbott to sell a company he doesn't legally own - to Newman!

And before her husband had set foot on the job, Amber Ashby was looking for ways to spend the money. She wants to quit her minimum wage day job at the Little Shop of Horrors and become a singing sensation. The more she thought about it, Amber realized living in a one-bedroom apartment is no way to live. Who wants neighbors? Who wants to hear the upstairs bed springs creaking late at night? The thought of living in such filth gave Amber the heebie jeebies. She whined to Cane that when he's off slaving away she'll be very afraid what with their living in a dangerous neighborhood and all.

Not that the high crime rate in Genoa City has bothered her before, and that she isn't part of the problem with her tricking Cane into marrying her and associating with known criminals, Amber picked Katherine's purse while Cane put on an act of nobility as they dining out together. He, macho man, will find a big house where they can live safety. Scurrying off on a matter of great urgency, Amber had time to let herself into the mausoleum, was pleased for having picked too a time when the maid was away, and staged what was to appear a robbery. Slipping out the front door just as the maid let herself in the back door (and what slave in this city doesn't know his or her place is in the back), Amber returned to the restaurant just as Ether Valentine noticed something askew and called her employer.

Racing to the scene, Katherine and the Ashbys milled about as police arrived and finding nothing missing added the crime to their long list of those they can't or won't solve. Of course, in all the confusion, nobody saw Amber slip the key back into Katherine's purse which she had tossed onto a chair subsequent to what she thought was a robbery because there was nothing in it but used tissue anyway.

Also raising above the confusion, Cane had second thoughts about moving in the mausoleum. Gosh, crime is running rampant so maybe he better move himself and his scared out of her wits wife into a place that's just been robbed albeit until the police capture the burglar which they won't because the cops in this city have never caught a single criminal without the help of Genoa City's elite criminal element.

And what of the fancy alarm system Sterling purchased from the Clueless Alarm and Detective Agency? Was it installed following the Norm Peterson fiasco? Did Katherine learn anything from Rex Sterling's death? Was the alarm working? Is there a videotape somewhere showing Amber slithering around with a flashlight?

We may never know and if we were to know we'd be too busy laughing to watch it recalling that in Genoa City, if you need a job, no sweat!

Born in Genoa City

March 30, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

Ho, ho, ha, ha! I am laughing too hard. My sides are splitting. The dog is looking at me funny. Wilma Bardwell has told Katherine Sterling to get a good lawyer! Is there anything funnier? I mean, not counting the current political campaign, Cane and Amber Ashby's "marriage" and Daniel Romalotti's addiction to porn? Did I leave anything out?

Let's first examine the old lady's situation. What lawyer do you think Katherine will hire? Who are the choices? Let's think. Gosh, there are so many. There's Michael Baldwin and Michael Baldwin. Oh, there are those obscure, don't know much about them lawyers who pop in and out to give the appearance of legal representation, but they're not very good so Sterling wouldn't consider one of them - would she?

There's no longer "I know the law" Christine 'Bug' Blair slithering around, taking landlords down a peg or two, or working out of Legal Aid giving free legal services to her rich pals, so who's Sterling gonna chose? How can she justify giving away Jill Abbott's baby? Is there a statute of limitations for such crimes? Will that be the loophole Sterling crawls through to get out of this mess? Will Jill make an impassioned plea before the court to spare her mother's life? Will a sleepy judge rule that sending an old, so near death anyway, woman to prison would be cruel and unusual punishment?

Doesn't Wilma have bigger fish to fry? Isn't Jana Hawkes still on the loose? What about the woman who killed Emma Gibson? What about Brad Carlton? Isn't he guilty of something? Have the cops in Ohio figured out yet who killed those two men in the church? Shouldn't they have presented Wilma with an extradition order by now? Hasn't Wilma sifted through his empty head what a jury would think of his persecuting a pillar of the community? Doesn't the name Sterling on the west wing of the God Have Mercy Medical Center mean anything? Hasn't Chancellor money saved countless lives?

Saving the best part for last so as not to give you a heart attack, what brought about Wilma's telling Katherine why she needs a lawyer?

He saw the video clip taken by the Extreme Cat Pee film crew of Jill telling Mr. Kim Chee that Cane is her son! What? You didn't know? The video is on the Internet. No, really, it is. Copyrighted material was somehow posted on YouTube, apparently. The whole world knows. For fear the INS might see the video too, Katherine said today she can pulls some strings to get Cane's VISA renewed. All he has to do is get a job which will show that he's contributing to society! Never mind that Cane has a job, or that working at Chancellor Industries or Jabot Cosmetics is not contributing to society, and that Cane already has a job, are you feeling faint? Is this not the dumbest damn thing you ever did hear?

Oh, but it gets better.

Cane turned down both offers! And why shouldn't he? His VISA was said to have been expiring weeks ago and not once has the INS shown any interest, or up at his door demanding to know why he's still in the country, or that by marriage Cane is now legally an American citizen. Not that he wasn't already as evidenced by the fact that he was born in Genoa City!

The Gift That Keeps on Giving

March 29, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

I'm sorry. I apologize in advance to those of you reading my scribble for on the front page of this fine publication yesterday there was a teaser about J.T. Hellstrom giving newlyweds Cane and Amber Ashby a gift at their belated wedding reception. Problem was: I didn't get into what the gift was. I presumed, like many readers, you would have read Amanda's excellent newsbrief and seen for yourself what the newlyweds were given by their small circle of friends. Thus, my focus was on Hellstrom's impending stalking of the blowup doll he can't stop pining for and his nemesis, Kevin Fisher teaming up with Colleen Carlton to push his buttons and prove beyond any shadow of doubt that Hellstrom is just an angry hunkmonkey pretending to be a private eye.

The story could, and probably should, have ended there if only the next morning it hadn't been rolling around in my head. In addition to the gift, I couldn't stop thinking about the guest list and how those on it were notified of a last minute party at the exclusive, thought to be by membership only, Athletic Supporter Club. Since Cane works as a bartender at the Indigo jazz club, why not hold it there? Factor in the impression we've been given that Cane doesn't have a pot to pee in, how could he afford such a lavish party? Is his wife loaded?

From the way Amber Moore Ashby goes around seeking advice for the lovelorn from young boys like Daniel Romalotti, she'd appear to be loaded on Ecstasy. Since she runs a porn site on the Internet the likes of which young boys such as Daniel surf, and charge to their credit cards those enhanced 'live' sex features, Amber must be rolling in dough. Unless Cane's newly found mother Jill Abbott sprung for and arranged the party, it must have been Amber too who sent out invitations. I was wondering though, how Amber and Cane came to agree on the guests. Imagine the conversation.

"Oh Cane, whatever will we do? We're relatively strangers in this strange town; we don't know enough people so well that we'd invite them to our reception, but what do you think about Colleen Carlton? I've heard she's a party girl; think she'd come if we asked?"

"Colleen? Can't say I know her... Wait! Is that the girl who was in the news? Didn't she get kidnapped or something?
"That's the one. She's a hottie. Rich, too. I've heard a college professor is doing her."
"Sounds like she'll fit right in. Invite the professor too. Maybe they'll both come."
"I bet they have."
"What? The party's not 'til tomorrow!"
"Never mind."
"Say, what about that boy you're always running to asking questions about us? What's his name, Daniel? Won't he come?"
"Something tells me he's coming right now."
"Amber, honey, what's wrong with you? The party isn't until tomorrow. Why would he be coming now?"
"Never mind. Have you met his wife?"
"He's married?"
"You've never seen the raven beauty? Quite a catch that Lily. They married young."
"Those kids? I read about them."
"You did?"
"When I was searching through old newspaper articles looking for my real Ma. Didn't they go on a crime spree?"
"Okay, that's four possible guests. Who else?"
"There's my Ma. We gotta invite her. And I suppose that monster woman should be invited too since she's got the key to my inheritance."
"Mrs. Sterling? You don't know that for sure."
"But I do. I seen the photo. Besides, I bet you don't know the 2nd DNA test result will be announced at the party. It's good news."
"You mean I'm going to be rich?"
"Not you - me!"
"Yeah, that's what I meant. You. Better invite the woman then. So that's six. Who else?"
"Gosh, I don't know anyone else. Maybe someone will be standing around looking for something to do and we can invite them."

Not that any of the guests mentioned ever received an invitation, it appeared they were simply in the right place at the right time. Colleen, the professor, Daniel, Lily and Jill were there along with Lauren Baldwin and Gloria Abbott.

Who? Gloria? Lauren?

Hell yes! Gloria is vaguely related to Jill and Lauren is, well, Lauren is related because Gloria's son is her husband's brother and if Kevin was invited shouldn't Lauren have been too? Only Kevin wasn't invited, or if he was, didn't show. Nor did Michael Baldwin, Lauren's spouse. Not that it mattered, Lauren spotted uninvited guest Paul Williams and introduced Cane to him and her other friends whom otherwise Cane might never have known.

Amazing as all this was, it couldn't hold a candle to the guests barring gifts. Gloria gave the newlyweds champagne holders. The professor gave them two tickets to a museum, not to be confused with the Chancellor Mausoleum of which Cane will one day inherit, and not only were the tickets not good enough, the professor presented a poem the most ignorant of humans would cherish to their dying day.

The gift from Daniel and Lily was especially special: lingerie. The smile on Cane's face hinted that of all the gifts, that one would be put to particular good use.

As predicted, the greatest gift of all would have been the reading of the DNA test proving that Cane is a Chancellor had it not been upstaged by the one J.T gave the happy couple. Having run into Cane moments before the party, J.T. praised him for marrying a slut and in return was given an invite. The hunkmonkey had no idea that Cane had been duped into marriage, but if he had would have approved. It's not whether the people in Genoa City win or lose the marriage game that counts, it's how they play it.

And with that, J.T. presented the bride and groom with a gift certificate good for one investigation! In the event Cane suspects Amber is cheating on him, or vice-versa, the make-believe PI will follow them around. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

Babies 'R Us

March 27, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

What a freaking little baby Cane Ashby is. Isn't he thirty-something? Shouldn't he have gotten over throwing tantrums by now? Granted, Cane is apparently part of the whiniest family this city has ever known, but having a hissy fit just because mommy Jill Abbott didn't introduce him to Mr. Kim Chee is no reason to get his pink panties in a wad. If anyone should be whining, it's granny Katherine Sterling. Here she controls what could be Cane's purse strings and he's got the gall to call her a "monster". Sure, Katherine gave his ass away to the highest bidder and didn't say anything for like a hundred years, sure, she let Jill, and Nina Webster, and that boy who thought he was Phillip Chancellor go on thinking for years that Phillip was who they thought he was even after the unnamed boy playing Phillip died, but is that any reason for Cane to turn his nose up at a gazillion smackers? Isn't it a small price to pay if it means never having to work another day in his pathetic bartender's life?

It's not like Cane has any doubt that he's a Chancellor either. Based on a photograph, dispelling scientific DNA, he, Jill and Katherine are happy as bugs in a rug, so why get snippy? Why are Jill and Katherine still feuding over how Cane came into their pointless lives? Isn't that what they wanted? Doesn't Jill need a kid to follow in her corporate footsteps? Doesn't Katherine want someone to carry on the Chancellor name so that in twenty years from now there might be a Phillip V and VI? Think of the potential? Some day there may be a Phillip MMCXVI. There may be so many Phillips there won't be enough room on the Chancellor Industries Wall of Shame to hold their photographs.

And wasn't it downright nice of Jill to invite Cane over to Jabot Cosmetics for Take Your Son to the Office day? Cane's wife thought so. Amber Moore Ashby was smart enough to know a good thing when she saw it. Free samples! Why, if Cane had got his foot in the sample room door he might have scooped up some of that stuff Emma Gibson used. Amber could use it, that's for sure, now that her porn site partner's sister, Emily, is calling to inquire as to Alison's whereabouts.

How about the lady, if you can call her a lady, Katherine considers like a daughter? Nikki Newman isn't concerned about the crime Katherine committed, so why should Cane? Nikki told Katherine today that in time Cane will forgive her. Don't they all? Hasn't Jill forgiven Katherine for killing Phillip Chancellor II? Haven't the old woman stopped looking through the back window at Phillip's grave each year and reminiscing about those ugly days gone by? The day Cane gets his paws on some of that Chancellor money he won't care what Katherine has done.

To her credit, however, it took Nikki to ask what about Nina? Shouldn't she be told what's going on? Doesn't she have a stake in the fortune considering her son is Phillip IV even if Cane isn't the boy's daddy and Katherine could probably yank IV's inheritance away from him in a heartbeat if she wanted? If the answer is yes, Katherine better hurry; she doesn't have many heartbeats left.

Ah, poor Katherine. She kinda wants to tell Nina, but she doesn't know how to break it to her. What's to break? Those brittle bones held together by diamonds and pearls? Tell Nina and be done with it. It's not like Nina would have to come to Genoa City; have that clueless PI track Nina down and tell her during a phone call. Like Cane's uncle, nobody would have to see Nina.

For all the good she did, Nikki went stupid again when she asked if Katherine really wants to pursue the Cane matter. Isn't the District Attorney investigating her for the crime of kidnapping? So what if Wilma Bardwell is? Has anyone Bardwell ever investigated gone to prison? Didn't old man John 'Yawn' Abbott have to beg Wilma before he got sent to the slammer, and for how long before the governor pardoned him? Oh, these people. Always worrying about the least of their worries. Katherine ain't going anywhere except maybe to her grave.

As for Cane, like most men in this city, he's rapidly becoming a sissy. He's got some growing to do if he thinks Jill's behavior at the office was out of line. Jill's the CEO of a morally bankrupt cosmetics company. She has a right to treat employees like dirt 'cause that's what they are. Peons. Ask Jabot's palsy walsy Newman Enterprises competitor Neil Winters. How long was he peed on before getting a seat on the board of directors? What does Cane expect? Has he never worked for minimum wage-paying employers before? Jill's not running a daycare center. Though, given the childish employees working at Jabot, she should consider opening one and putting Cane in charge. So far, he's the biggest, gonna stomp his feet and hold his breath 'til he's blue, baby of them all.

The Care Package

March 20, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

Oh Lord, I am dazed. Are you? Can you believe that Cane Ashby's uncle living in Australia has Jill Abbott's and Katherine Sterling's mailing address? Is this something Uncle Festus found on the Internet? If you plug 'mausoleums in Wisconsin' into Google, will it return the Chancellor Mausoleum and a listing of those living there, the phone number and address? Is it possible to get driving directions from your home to the mausoleum on MapQuest?

Who is this uncle? What's his story? Is he like Carmen Mesta's relatives? The brother in Texas who couldn't be bothered to find out who killed his sister, the other sister, the cousin, and the mother who flew all the way from somewhere to attend Devon Hamilton's trial only to learn the trial had been cancelled and then to say what a good boy Hamilton looked to be? Was there ever a funeral for Mesta? Who went to it? Who paid to have her body buried? Is it true that Mesta never died and that the body rotting in the morgue was that of the cousin?

With address in hand, Uncle Festus sent the old ladies a package. In it are reported to be "things" Jill and Katherine have seen before including a photograph of Violet Montgomery holding Cane as a baby and Violent wearing a ring Katherine gave her. The significance of all this?

Katherine will declare it doesn't matter what any DNA test report shows. Who needs science when it's easier to say global warming doesn't exist? Or, in this case, Katherine will say a picture is worth a thousand words. The photo is proof enough that Cane is Jill's son.

Of course, since someone needs to be the once thought to be dead Phillip Chancellor III, simply appointing Cane an heir apparent would be the path of least resistance. Who needs messy details like who Uncle Festus is, or how he knows so much about Cane unless, like the elite in Genoa City, Festus was once married to Violet?

Regardless of who's who, the bottom line remains. What does it matter who Jill's son is? Billy Abbott is her son too, but what tender loving mother's care did Jill ever give Billy? Look what little concern she had for Billy got him. An addiction to gambling and a banishment to Hong Kong; a marriage to a girl he later found out was his cousin.

What should matter, but hasn't so far, is who died that day in an alcohol related traffic accident. Who got drunk and killed himself? Who was left to raise a baby on her own who to this day carries the name Phillip Chancellor IV? Shouldn't Nina Webster be told her son is not an heir to the Chancellor fortune? Or, out of kindness, will Katherine keep the trust fund for Phillip IV intact? Will she maybe say Phillip IV is better off not knowing the truth? You know how truth in Genoa City is so despised.

There's too an amazing footnote to this story so far. As we already know, Cane wants to give up the search for his Ma. After traveling all the way to Wisconsin, with no indication that he's ever searched for Ma in, say Kansas, now that it appears he's not going to get rich, with no fancy job like running Chancellor Industries dangled in front of his nose, Cane wants to go home.

Not that his leaving wouldn't be a good thing, it's how Cane leaves that's laughable. He's got himself a wife who doesn't want to leave the country. Amber Moore's got roots in Wisconsin. She's got a porn website to run and a young boy to addict. Before she can tell Cane in no uncertain terms that she doesn't want to leave and that she wants their faux marriage annulled, Amber will tell Cane to wait three weeks before leaving in order to get a better deal on the price of airline tickets! We Fly You Anywhere Air will by then be having a sale. Instead of a $500 fare one-way, the price will be $450. Hey, when you're a lowly bartender, $50 is a big deal. It's a care package the likes of which he's yet to see from his mother - whomever she is.

Rags to Riches

March 9, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

I knew it, I had a feeling. There was something about Ethan 'Cane' Ashby that didn't sit right. His ability to sense there was something about Jill Abbott; his just happening to land in Genoa City in search of his birth mother; his concealing information pertaining as to why he was searching for his mother; his general lack of background information; the absence of those claiming to be his friends asking what Cane's story is when so many in this city are so anxious to reveal the most intimate details of their meaningless lives.

Moreover, the one thing about Cane that should have set alarms off? His stupidity.

What more can be said about a 30-something year old man dumb enough to accept that he'd been wed to a woman he barely knew? What of his finding out he was duped and going along with the marriage anyway having since fallen in love with the slut who tricked him?

We knew from the outset that who her son is doesn't matter to Jill Abbott. Like when she found her mother and her father, Jill was excited for a few days and then blew Ma and Pa off. She helped drive Arthur Hendricks out of town and has since renewed her hatred for Katherine Sterling who confessed it was she who switched Phillip Chancellor III at birth. Sterling has also reported her crime to the District Attorney. And what did Wilma Bardwell do? Like the death of Emma Gibson, Bardwell flicked the crime off.

DNA wasn't widely known about when Mac Browning claimed she was Sterling's granddaughter. It was simply accepted Browning was who she said she was and since Abbott didn't know at the time her true connection to Sterling, and thus Browning, Jill took to hating Mac too. Not that she didn't have reason, Mac was pure evil in that she banished her own mother, Amanda Hunnicutt, to a life in Hell.

Now, with DNA all the rage, Abbott and Sterling want a test to prove Cane is who he claims to be. They've told Cane that he's the newest heir to Chancellor fortune, but there was no celebration one would expect. It's been written that most kids and parents having found themselves after so many years would have been jumping for joy. There would be uncontrolled bawling and general joy. But not when Abbott broke the news to Cane. Their happiness was suppressed. It gave reason for some to think there was more to the story; that it wasn't all it was being cracked up to be.

Sure enough, we now know why.

Before spilling the beans, let's take note that the beans will be delivered to the old women by messenger. Why is that? Why not just go down to the lab for the DNA test result? Why can't the lab give this information out over the phone or by FAX or regular mail? Why are messengers needed to pass on what most always is bad news?

Why, with the result in her hot hand, would Abbott not open the envelope immediately? Why not have a look, and depending on the verdict, inform Cane then? Why couldn't Cane get a copy for himself? Why make a freaking Oscar night federal case out of it? Because Jill wants Cane to be there when she breaks the seal. This in turn will anger near death Katherine. She, who brought this upon Jill, will babble that Jill shouldn't trust Cane because he could be "a con man."

Is there any bigger con than Katherine? Shouldn't someone be demanding the old bat be brought to justice and sent away to rot in prison? Wasn't she as eager to find Jill's son as Jill was? So what happened? Why would she suggest Cane's a con? He's dumb, but where's the con?

You think Jill would listen to the ravings of a lunatic who didn't want her own daughter? Of course not. Jill is "emotional". She doesn't think there are evil people out there looking to get their greedy hands on a fortune like she's done. Jill will phone Cane who at the time will be at the Little Shop of Horrors shopping with his bride to be for wedding garb. The love birds will fly to the Chancellor Mausoleum for the awards ceremony and when the envelope is opened the news will fall out.

Cane is not Jill's biological son.

For all the sadness, Jill will say she wishes he was, but he ain't. Enraged, hoping to get her share of the fortune too, Amber Moore will demand another test. Cane will say it's pointless because DNA doesn't lie, but in the end there will be another test. Yes, for all Katherine's whining about Cane being a con man, Katherine will be the one to help Amber convince Cane to have another test and by golly, although he'll keep harping about going back to Australia, he will have another test.

Who wants to bet that the second test will show Cane is the son? How can it not turn out this way? How can it be that another can't find my parents/sons/daughters saga won't drag on to the point where we don't care who Cane is? How will it be if in the final chapter of this rags to riches story we aren't the ones conned?

Love Drug Claims Another Victim

March 8, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

Let's see if we understand this. Ethan 'Cane' Ashby went in search of his biological mother. He was fortunate to have tossed a dart at a map and when the dart hit Genoa City, Wisconsin, said to himself, "That's the place I wanna be!" Arriving in town with barely two nickels to rub together, he struck gold when something drew him to the local coffee shop. From there, he, a total stranger, got wind of a job opening at a newly remodeled dump called Indigo for a bartender and since there is no unemployment in Genoa City, since most everyone would have turned their noses up at such a lowly position, he, a white boy from Australia, was hired on by the local African-Americans.

Just Cane's good fortune too, while slumming at the coffee shop one day, he picked up the scent of a woman who has since turned out to be his biological mother, Jill Abbott. Still, Cane's not happy. A normal kid searching for his birth parents and finding Mom so soon and so rich would have been in 7th Heaven. But not Cane. He's pissed that his also rich granny sold him on the black baby market. Being white and all, he was sold for a song and now Cane whines how awful it must have been for the kid who he was switched with. But when asked who's child Jill raised, isn't that concerned. After being asked repeatedly to take a DNA test to be sure he is who Mommy and Granny think he is, instead of wanting to be sure he's who he thinks he is, Cane said today that he'll take a DNA test for "Jill's sake."

What a nice boy. Cane should be thanking his lucky stars the old bats want him. As Katherine Sterling accepted that Mac Browning was her granddaughter without a DNA test, it is somewhat surprising they'd jump at the first kid to come along since Katherine spilled her rotten guts about what she did. But before accepting Cane as their own they should check this freak out. Compared to Cane, they'd be better off having Mac come back as Jill's child. Mac was a lot of things, but she wasn't dumb enough to get tricked into a marriage.

It's hard to fathom, but say you're Cane. You've been duped by a slut into marriage. So as not to be confused with the other sluts in this city, the whore in question is Amber Moore. She drugged you, flew to Vegas with her dyke friend, they got married in a chapel of love by a dime-a-dozen blind preacher who couldn't tell the difference between male and female, returned as man and wife and finally told you it was you who got married for the sake of saving your sorry ass from being deported from the country even though, if you had half a brain, you'd know that you are an American citizen.

Because of this you went along at first with the marriage for how else could you have found your mother? Asking the government to extend your visa would have been a time-consuming chore and probably would have been denied anyway, so why not go along with the marriage to someone you haven't know for more than a few days? Then you had an epiphany or something. You told Amber you wanted to annul the marriage and while she was agreeable, you nevertheless wanted to hang out with her because you'd picked up the sex habit this city is addicted to.

It's too much to ask that you actually go out and find a nice virgin, like others in this city you've got to have the slimy leftovers. You've got to have a woman who has had already had a pair of babies as there's something thrilling about the part where the babies died that turns you on. There's something creepy about Amber's trolling the local teen market for a boy named Daniel to help her plot against you, but you don't know about that part yet and so you can't say, well, that Romalotti kid pushed me over the edge and I knew then that Amber is bad news.

With the annulment looming, without checking into Amber's past to see what other crimes she's committed or whether she's really Sheila Carter or some serial killer, without looking into your mother's past or that of your granny because you wouldn't want to do something like that for risk of losing ties to all that money, you suddenly flash that if you aren't married to Amber, if however she's still putting out for you, it's not quite the same a being married. Therefore, and because without Amber there can be no sudden realization by Jill or Katherine that you are in fact married to the Devil's workshop manager, you tell Amber today that you are falling in love with her. Never mind that you should have been in love with her when you accepted the faux marriage, it has more meaning now.

It means, Cane, you are one dumb sonofabitch and if they weren't so old and gullible, if they'd bother to check into your past, which they won't, Jill and Katherine would disown your ass.

One Penis to Give

February 22, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

You've probably heard by now that Amber Moore, her sights currently set on the Chancellor fortune, once ran a pay-per-view website where cheap sex seekers could watch her and a co-wannabe porn star named Alison take their clothes off and I'm willing to bet more than that. I wouldn't know, but I've been told that the most popular fantasy some men have is to watch two women having sex together.

I know, it's disgusting, absolutely disgusting, but I'm trying to set up the basis for my little article here as it pertains to Moore, Jill Abbott, and the, ahem, man known as 'Cane' whom we've since learned is Ethan Ashby.

Something about that name bothers me. Ethan, hmmm. Who names their kid Ethan? Ethan Allen, that was a different time. Ethan had but one life to give to his country and was hanged for being a traitor. Ashby? You ever known anyone with a name like that? Does it remind you of a certain sperm thief named Ashley Abbott?

Speaking of Abbott, would Jill Abbott please shut the hell up? Either she wants to know who her son is - or she don't. Stop whining about it! Jill, sweetie, you know I once loved when you were all powerful and men dared not cross your path, but you've become nothing more than a windbag. You're almost as bad as that old bag you call a mother. If you're wondering if Ethan, or Cane, or Phillip had a bad childhood, if you're wondering whether Phillip is even alive, go find out! Your sputtering doubts about meeting Ethan only encourages Katherine Sterling to hack that she's got to meet Cane, um, Ethan, so as to properly introduce herself.

What? Introduce herself? You mean, "Hello, I'm your rich granny. Would you like to run one of my empires? I could use a young stud with no experience in such matters. You don't know him, but your brother, I guess he'd be your brother, Billy Abbott was gonna do that job, but he turned out to be a gambling addict so we shipped his ass off to Hong Kong. You interested?"

Isn't it odd too that the first thought that entered Jill's thick head was that Ethan has had a bad childhood? Why the negativity? Because Ethan is a lowly bartender? Did she ever think maybe Ethan wants to be a bartender? Doesn't working at the newest jazz club reek with prestige?

On that topic, how interesting is it to note that when Jill spoke with Violet Montgomery's brother in Australia, the brother knew where Ethan is right down to the very place he's working? Does the brother make a habit of giving out personal information without knowing who he's speaking with? Didn't he seem a little too anxious to tell the caller that Cane is in Genoa City looking for his birth mother? What if the government is looking for Cane? If it's presumed Cane keeps in close contact with his 'bro, wouldn't he have told him about having an expired visa?

And could someone please tell me how employees can just up and leave their new jobs? Does Indigo owner Neil Winters know that Cane went to Las Vegas to wed Amber? Before hoping on a flight did Cane call the boss? Was Neil running the store? Hell no, he's rarely there. He has so much money for bails, and an army of waiters and bartenders, and who manages a club not much bigger than a bread box, Neil doesn't have to be there. He doesn't need to know that his main attraction just up and left for Vegas.

Doesn't it kill you that Jill and Katherine were depending on a make-believe PI to track her Phillip III down, but when J.T. Hellstrom lost interest didn't much care so long as Paul 'Clueless' Williams took the case? Didn't the old women think it strange when Williams said Phillip can't be dead because he didn't find a death certificate? Who, exactly, was Clueless looking for? Have City records already been changed? If the person who died in that car wreck was thought to be Phillip Chancellor, wouldn't there have been a death certificate with that name on it?

Wasn't it Jill who learned during the call to the brother what Cane's real name, the one he's going by now, is? How could Clueless have known beforehand? Because he dug up the brother's phone number? If that's true, wouldn't he have known what Cane's other name is, and wouldn't he have told Jill before she called?

Guess not. Guess I'm confused; asking too many questions makes me that way.

Oh, and then there was Jill and Katherine saying Cane has the same quirks as the dead Phillip II. They discerned this after exchanging a few words with Cane? But you knew it had to get better. Not only did Cane/Ethan up and leave his job, he took his phone with him! Neil had the number; gave it to Katherine he did. Okay, so that's not too convoluted. Cane could have been expecting an important call; or might need to make one as Amber did. Yes, she had to call Daniel Romalotti to say she's in Vegas planning to marry Cane and that she's madly in love with Cane. And Daniel needed to know this?

Too bad for Jill; when she called Cane was taking a shower; he did not answer; Jill did not apparently leave voicemail. Wonder how that would have gone if she had; or if she'd spoken with him in person.

"Hello? Cane? This is Jill Abbott. I hear you've been looking for your birth mother. Look no longer. You've found her. Me, silly. I'm your real mother. I'm filthy rich. Now rush right home, 'kay? Don't get married or anything dumb. 'Kay? See you soon. Oh, how'd you like to run an empire?"

Not that there's much chance Cane and Amber will marry. Sure, that's what they went to Vegas for, only Amber fessed up; told Cane she doesn't love him; dressed up Allison to look like Cane; they had a sleepy judge marry them all while Cane is drugged out of his mind. So before went into a drug haze, what did he do? Did he ask why she dragged him out of town? Did he bitch about losing a day's pay? What if his real mommy had walked into the Indigo looking for him and he wasn't there? Oh, that's right. He's supposed to be looking for mommy. So why isn't he looking very hard? Is giving his but one penis to Amber more important?

It's said he didn't want to "take advantage" of the cheap slut Amber is, so why didn't he tell her "I'm blowing this pop stand" and get the hell out? Couldn't he have used the time better to search for mommy?

Why stick around to stuff his face? and wouldn't he have thought it odd that Amber's friend just happened to show up at their hotel room? How else would Allison have known where to go unless Amber told her?

And how original - strike that - how moronic that when Amber had the chance to marry Cane - he was more than willing - she broke it off? So instead Amber has Allison deliver pills with which to drug Cane and then pretend to marry him? Christ! If she was gonna do that why involve Allison? Because they're sluts.

This ploy so stinks of Lisa Mansfield/Cassandra Rawlins who, nearly as loopy as Sheila Carter, drugged Brad Carlton; dragged him off to Vegas to get married and later held him in a cage.

Of course, Cane drunk the spiked drink as the whores put on a lap dance for him and since this is such a convolution, a sleepy minister at the Chapel of Love married two women think one of them was a man.

If Amber doesn't lock pretty boy up in a cage I for one am going be pissed as I too have but one penis with which to do it.

Too Many Questions

February 19, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

You didn't hear it from me; you heard not a peep that another crime has been committed because, well, Genoa City is riddled with crime. The throw down weapons, the kidnappings, the killings, the blood by the lake with no subsequent search; no dragging the lake for a body when those who found the blood suspected, and later said, whomever lost so much of it must surely be dead, and while they assumed it was Jana Hawkes who had died, made no further attempt to find her body.

"Just a pool of blood, boys. Nothing to worry about," District Attorney Will Bardwell said in so many words as not a single soul questioned why the D.A. was at the crime scene or why a possible death didn't matter.

That's why, last week, when a man appeared at the Indigo Jazz Club looking like an INS agent, pretending to be searching for bartender Cane NoLastName, and told by albino Amber Moore that Cane wasn't there, the man turned and left as Moore slipped him a pack of money, I didn't flinch or gag or vomit.

I knew it was all a ruse; a way for Moore to trick Cane into marrying him so that his expired visa will no longer matter and Cane can become an American citizen. A way further for Moore to get her grubby paws on some of the Chancellor fortune when it turns out that Cane is really Phillip Chancellor III; a plot device to give Jill Abbott and Katherine Sterling something to do when they catch on to what Moore is doing and must, like they did with Nina Webster, get rid of Moore.

A setback when Cane informs the old women he really loves Moore and if mommy and granny don't stop trashing her, he'll leave town, or something so shocking as to make Jill and Katherine fret that after all the trouble they've gone through, after all the years of being without their Phillip, they don't want to lose him now.

It shall be easy too for Cane to forget that the INS is looking for him. He will not think it odd that the INS hasn't gone to his employer, or where he lives, for most likely Neil Winters doesn't know who his employees are, much less where they live, and the apartment manager would most likely say he can't give out the names of those living in the building not even to the INS; not even if one renter might be in the country illegally, or a terrorist plotting to blow the Indigo up.

If a pool of blood does not warrant a search for a body, for sure that someone would pass himself off as a law enforcement officer is not a crime worthy of investigation. Maggie Sullivan does it; Will Bardwell does it, so what's the big deal? Michael Baldwin pretends to be a lawyer, Paul Williams and J.T. Hellstrom pretend to be private eyes, Sharon Newman pretends to be a much sought after business executive and model, Brad Carlton passes himself off as a Nazi hunter, so why should a fake INS agent be of any concern?

If there's a straw that breaks Moore's sagging back, it'll probably show itself when Cane finds out months down the road he was tricked. There will be charges of betrayal, and you only wanted my money, and I'll fight you in the courts to the bitter end with Moore emerging to be known forever as Mrs. Chancellor. Ironically, just in time to replace the old lady Chancellor who should be dead by then 'cause if this revolting development doesn't kill her, what will?

I must confess though that while I try my darndest to make sense of all that is going on in Genoa City, there reaches a point where some of it goes in one ear and out the other. I've written previously that when it's revealed Cane is Phillip Chancellor III, his son, Phillip IV, should be introduced to his daddy.

My own history of not having known my father must have made me do it. So focused on the joy Phillip IV might get to experience knowing his dad, I completely forgot that while Phillip III is alive, it was not his sperm Nina Webster used to get pregnant with Phillip IV. That sperm belonged to the young man who died in Phillip III's stead. So please, if you can, forgive me for making a mistake. Pray with me that we might at least find out who died in that alcohol-induced car wreck and whether he has parents going through what Jill and Katherine are going through, although hopefully not as fitful, or as expensive such that the parents have had to summon Psychotic Sylvia.

Forgive me again for going out on another limb when I ask: If both Cane and the boy who died were born in Genoa City, as they apparently were, wouldn't that make Cane an American citizen? What's that? Cane doesn't know he's American? How can he not know? Before Cane could go to school in Australia, wouldn't whoever had custody have been required to show a birth certificate? Did Violet Montgomery have the forethought to forge the certificate to show Cane was born in Australia? Or am I asking too many questions?

February 21, 2007

Albino Moore Ran Porno Website!
Her past somewhat a blur to those who don't concern themselves beyond the boundaries of Genoa City, the Genoa City News has learned that Amber Moore, her sights currently set on the Chancellor fortune, once ran a pay-per-view website where cheap sex seekers could watch her and a co-wannabe porn star named Alison take their clothes off and, well, use you imagination.

Emily, Alison's sister, apparently as desperate for money as Moore, became a hooker and while having sex recently as she watched some porn, spotted Alison whom she hasn't seen for some time. Subsequently, Emily will reportedly travel from Illinois to Genoa City in late March to ask if Moore might know where Alison is. What? She can't call?

Nightmares of Guilt 2

February 15, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

Speaking of no business, things must be bad for private blind eye Paul 'Clueless' Williams. Not forgetting that he runs a detective agency and alarm company out of a broom closet, Clueless has no clients. Think about it. Who was he representing while he was holding Sheila Carter in a cage for weeks? Why are the few clients he does have always the same, and why, given that Clueless has bungled every case he's ever taken, do they keep going back to him?

Didn't Katherine Sterling hire Williams' side-kick, hunkmonkey J.T. Hellstrom to find Jill Abbott's thought to be alive real son? So why isn't Hellstrom working the case? Why is the sissy holed up alone in his room pining over a blow up doll? Why did Sterling go to Clueless to say she's recalled the name of the woman thought to have been given, or sold, or traded, Abbott's son? And why, oh why, would Clueless say today he ran a search on the name Violet Montgomery and came up with a match? You mean, there aren't a million Violet Montgomery's out there? A Google search didn't puke out page after page of names?

And will Clueless be so lucky to learn that the Violet he and Sterling are looking for just happens to be right here in Genoa City? Will Violet be like Rebecca Kaplan? Is Violet right now at the Genoa City Mall shopping and hoping Sterling will bump into her so they can reminisce about old times?

Will Sterling invite the woman to move into the Chancellor Mausoleum so that she can be trotted out whenever the name 'Cane' comes up? Will Violet say that she too just so happens to be in Genoa City because she had a premonition her lost-track-of "son" was here, or that she's been having nightmares of guilt?

The answer to those questions is no. Violent is dead! How convenient that she died only two weeks after being the recipient of a new baby? Clueless has the obit to prove she's dead.

Ah, but all is not lost. Violent, God love her, has a brother!

Faded Photographs & Paper Clippings

February 12, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

Has anyone made a list? Could you send me a copy? I'd like to know exactly who in Genoa City has, in the last year, said it doesn't matter that a life was taken because those who died "deserved" to die. Should you have such a list, you can leave the names Amber Moore and Katherine Sterling off it. Moore said last week she hoped Sheila Carter get what she deserves. She said too that she'd once been kidnapped by Carter and yet, for all those rubber-necking the scene of Carter's death, Moore didn't join the crowd. She was much too busy going through Indigo Jazz Club bartender Cane NoLastName's CD collection.

At Cane's furnished crash pad, Amber noted how his music collection mirrored hers. The Osmond's Greatest Hits; The Nineteen Ten Fruit Gum Company and best of all, Climax, of Precious and Few fame. Okay, so I made that part up. But you gotta wonder what a dork from Australia could have in common with an albino from Los Angeles.

You might wonder too if Cane is gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but when a man has a woman in his pad ready to spread her legs at the snap of his fingers, he doesn't go out for food unless he has an aversion to women. That's what Cane did once Amber had poked around and found a photograph of another woman.

Worried that a man in possession of a photo of a woman might mean he already has a babe putting out for him, Amber began sweating until Cane said, oh, no, he didn't know the woman in the photo. The photo was left behind by the previous renter and, well, you know how landlords never clean their dives and, ah hell, okay, so the woman is Cane's mother. Wanna bet Violent Montgomery once rented that exact same apartment?

Now, I hate this line, but I'm gonna use it anyway. I don't know about you, but as a man, dare I say a real man, I don't leave a woman, even if she is albino I don't know much about her, alone in my apartment while I'm out getting food. But that's what Cane did. And while he was gone what did Amber do? She sent one of those expensive text messages to Daniel Romalotti!

Forgive me for asking, but isn't Amber old enough to be Daniel's mother? Didn't she give birth to something like two children? Where are those children and why is Amber passing herself off as a teenage whore? Does she know J.T. Hellstrom? That's another pushing thirty freak who loves nothing more than hanging around with teenagers.

Amber asked Daniel for some "tips" on how to impress a man! Amber, honey, I hate to tell you; Daniel ain't no ladies man. Look no further than that thing he married if you doubt me. Forget asking Daniel, look around Cane's pad. See the rugby gear? See the boomerangs? Have you ever seen anything more convoluted? Don't get it? Cane wants visitors to his pad to know he's from Australia. Psst... If you look in the bathroom you'll find the kangaroo. You wanna impress Cane? Once you've stuffed your face with outback, once Cane's belly is so bloated he can't see his penis, tell him, "Sorry, no nookie for you. Sheila is dead and I've got to go." If that doesn't impress him, the case of blue balls will.

Now don't be sending me no mail that your kids are asking what blue balls are. Kids shouldn't be reading this just like they shouldn't be watching college students have sex with their teachers. You may, however, be asking what this has to do with those deserving death. What? You didn't make the connection?

Sputtering she too had heard the news of Sheila's death, Katherine Sterling added that Sheila got what she deserved. Shame on her for stealing those babies. Children are precious; they are the future; how dare they be kidnapped?

Oops, didn't Sterling admit not so long ago that she kidnapped a baby or two? Isn't one of those babies dead? Why, yes, she did and some kid is dead. Woe is the old bag of bones; Katherine blames herself. Phillip Chancellor III is out there, somewhere, right now, his VISA expiring, hoping to find his mother in a matter of three months and where better to look for her than in Genoa City? And what can the old woman do to facilitate the search?

Go through old newspaper clippings!

You mean, go down to the newspaper building and search the archives? Go on the paper's website to look? Are you freaking nuts?

Sterling's daughter, Jill Abbott, has the clippings about Phillip's birth right there at the Chancellor Mausoleum; in a shoe box! Been lugging them around all these years, Jill has. Look! There's the one about Phillip's birth. Gosh, there must have been something written back then pertaining to Phillip being sold to slave traders and/or Violet Montgomery. No? How strange.

Oh, wait! Katherine is nodding out; she going off to bed; she's running back down the stairs. Don't fall and break your hip, fool. What? It came to you in a dream? All that money you paid psychotic Sylvia and it was in your head all along? What, Katherine, tell us!

Violet's last name is Montgomery? So what does this mean? That soon you'll discover Cane is really Phillip? That like Judge Arthur Hendricks there will be some great family reunion until you all realize you are much too dysfunctional to live together and Phillip leaves town never to be seen again?

Thought so.

Now don't bawl and whine. You brought this on yourself. You deserve it.

The Human Sedative

January 25, 2007
by Michael Kelly

In this reporter's far from unbiased opinion, a new Y&R character hasn't truly arrived in Genoa City until the GCN devotes a front page story to the newcomer in question.

For Cane NoLastName, the new bartender at the Indigo jazz club who may soon be revealed as Jill Abbott's switched-at-birth son, his 15 minutes of GCN fame have finally arrived and he'd be wise to enjoy his time in the spotlight for if the lazy and devoid of personality performances of Daniel Goddard (Cane) are any indication, the laidback, bland bloke won't be around too long.

Really, am I the only one finding it difficult to believe Goddard won't be blown off the screen by those high-octane grand dames Jess Walton (Jill) and Jeanne Cooper (Katherine) once he inevitably shares the screen with them? Goddard already looks like he's in over his head interacting with teeny-boppers Daniel and Lily as well as 20-something Amber. Walton and Cooper will inhale this guy for breakfast.

If Goddard thinks mumbling, speaking out of one side of his mouth and his pretty face compensate for lack of acting ability, he's sadly mistaken. Then again, perhaps I'm being too harsh. After all, it's not Goddard's fault Y&R's casting directors have such low standards and mistakenly believe the show's audience consists of shallow ninnies so desperate for male eye candy they'd salivate at the sight of a talent deprived dullard just because he's easy on the eyes.

Granted, Goddard hasn't yet been given interesting material by the scribes but even the sub-par Blair Redford (ex-Scotty Grainger) put a little more effort into his scenes. As tired as I am of recasts, I think finding a new Cane is Y&R's best bet if the character is going to be around for the long haul.

Truth be told, Goddard's uninspired acting isn't the only problem I have with Cane's storyline. My main beef with Cane being Jill's son is the fact that while 30 year old Cane is just the age Phillip Chancellor III should be, Bill Bell's decision to make Phillip (or the guy we thought of as Phillip) the victim of SORAS (Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome) in 1986 makes this latest chapter of the Phillip saga difficult to invest in.

When Jill's shooting brought a boarding school confined Phillip (played by Thom Bierdz) back to Genoa City over 20 years ago, he was at least 16 years old. Obviously, this means Phillip would be no younger than 36 if he were alive today. See the problem? There's a 6 year age difference between two men who were supposedly switched at birth.

Compounding the fuzzy math situation even further was the decision of former headwriters Jack Smith and Kay Alden to reveal in 2003 that Jill Abbott (who had just discovered arch-nemesis Katherine was her biological mother) was 46 years old. Since Jill supposedly would've given birth to Bierdz's Phillip in 1970, I have to conclude she would've been only 13 at the time! (Keep in mind Y&R didn't even premiere until 1973 when Jill was a virgin filing nails at a beauty salon.)

From every angle, the Cane storyline is a dud. But hiring Goddard, The Human Sedative, has only made matters worse.

Switched at Birth

January 3, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

Was your first reaction to the baby switched at birth yarn about to unravel the same as mine? Not that Phillip Chancellor III's life was pretty much a waste and you gotta wonder how that affects Phillip Chancellor IV and Nina Webster, if at all, but how coincidental that after all these years, the mysterious Cane, whom I'm presuming is Jill Abbott's real son, chose Genoa City to set down roots? And why would his name be spelled Cane and not Kane unless it has something to do with Hawaiian sugar or the Hawaiian word, Kane?

Beyond Katherine's Sterling vivid imagination of seeing a baby being passed around and gasping, oh, that baby, and presuming Jill gave birth to Cane, how is it Jill isn't the one recalling this nightmare? Brace yourself when Jill asks the burning question, "Is the child I gave birth to alive or not?"

What? She takes as face value that Phillip wasn't her son? Based on what? Digging deeper, what about the God Have Mercy Medical Center? Why wasn't there some sort of system in place to prevent such things? Granted, twenty years ago nobody knew what a psycho nurse Sheila was, but good grief, had there never been a baby switch before she came along?

And as Phillip grew, why did everyone presume he was Jill's kid? Because Jill said so? Didn't anyone notice that Phillip didn't look like her or his father? He had Jill's alcoholic gene, that's for sure. Does it have something to do with in-breeding whereas it's taken for granted that children don't look like their parents?

It must be asked too, what was the point of the switch and what happened to whoever did it? One thing seems certain; Katherine, if she didn't pull the switch, planned it. She wanted to get even with Jill for stealing Phillip Chancellor II away from her and rather than let Jill raise the old man's kid, felt it would be best if Jill raised some other woman's kid. So who does Cane think his mother is and why did she, whoever she is, not notice the switch either? Why is it that Katherine had no regard for what might happen to the other baby and its parents? Is that how ruthless and self-centered people like Katherine are?

Maybe she, Phillip's real ma, lives in Genoa City too. Maybe she, like most women here, sleep around a lot and when she had a kid that didn't look like her or the father, just assumed Cane was hers. If she was anything like Jill it would make sense as Jill didn't know Phillip that well like she didn't know Billy Abbott that well and could explain why Jill was so intent on spending time with Phillip IV, who she thought was her grandson.

As a rule, most new parents spend every waking minute of each day with their babies and actually have an interest in them as they grow up. Not here. Keep your eye on new mother Phyllis for example. Despite the fact she's gonna have a nursery built at the workplace just for her baby, Phyllis will be seen more often without Summer than with. She will have time to poke her nose into Lauren Baldwin's personal problems and assist, if not outright plan, what has been called an "intervention" to save Lauren from herself or Fen-Fen or something.

In all the confusion, don't be surprised if Sheila, so hell-bent on making Lauren's life a living hell she erected a cage in an abandoned building for which she planned to keep Lauren, or Fen, or both captive until the plan backfired and she found herself being held by Paul 'Clueless' Williams, finds a way to escape and that it will be She/Phyllis who participates with Michael Baldwin in the intervention.

How Williams got Sheila into the cage we're just finding out and I plan commenting on it tomorrow. I do know he didn't check the place out as we've seen Sheila has magic pills, or something, which has enabled her to look and sound like Phyllis. Hey! You think that's what happened to the Magic Orchids?

What disturbs me, and believe me plenty of what happens around here is disturbing, is how Clueless would allow Sheila to go on looking like Phyllis knowing the problems were she to escape. With all the contacts he has out there in the field I'm sure Clueless could find a Christian Troy to carve Sheila's face into something similar to when the plastic surgeon cut the word 'killer' into David Kimball's skull.

Speaking of Clueless, it will be his sidekick, J.T. Hellstrom, involved in Jill's nightmare. This wouldn't make any sense were it not for the fact that Katherine and Jill tell total strangers about the most intimate and personal details of their private lives. God help us, speculation is that Jill or Katherine will hire Hellstrom to find the missing baby when all this time Cane had been right under their collective big nose.

Imagine, if you will, a scene in which Hellstrom cozies up with Cane at the bar having no idea Cane is the one he's looking for. Imagine this going on for weeks as the two become best buds and one or the other try to get the other in bed. Oh, that's right. Queers in this town are not allowed out of the closet.

But anyway, you get the drift. You get the smell of how desperate these people are that the best PI they can afford is Hellstrom as Clueless has already said he's booked for the next year or however long it'll take for the She/Phyllis story to wrap up.

In the meantime I think we all should be caned, or have our eyes poked out, by angry children armed with sticks if we don't fast-forward through every She/Phyllis scene. On the other hand, determining how Jill could not know Phillip was her son might be worth watching if for no other reason than for a few good laughs.

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