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See also: Professor Korbel  J.T. Hellstrom  Lily Winters

Hide In Plain Sight

March 9, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

This is one of those news reports I'll attempt to skim over without getting too deeply involved because, well, my eyes are glazed over and my blood pressure can't take much more stress.

I am amazed that anyone can just decide to move their appointment with the Dean of Genoa City University up a day. I know, this is Genoa City, but how does one go about this? As a student, do you just wait around in the hall outside the Dean's office? Do you catch him or her in the parking lot? Why doesn't the Dean hang at the Jitter Joint or the Athletic Club like everyone else? Wouldn't that have made it easier for Colleen Carlton to pin the dean down?

Given that Lily Romalotti is Colleen's one and only female friend, I can't pick too much at the fact that she told Lily today someone reported her relationship with Professor Gerbil. I can ask why Lily would be so shocked, however, and why Lily would wonder what it means for Colleen and Gerbil. What does Lily think it means? That the college will slap Gerbil on the wrist and tell him not to do it again? And what does it matter who reported them? Wasn't it only a matter of time until someone said, Hey, this is wrong; it's unethical; there are rules. Or is this the Lily and her ilk mindset? It's okay when they and their pals commit crimes and partake in shady behavior, but not when others do it.

That Colleen would go to the dean and lie only proves the point that she's an air-headed blowup doll. I mean, Christ! Wait for the Dean to ask the question and then lie. Don't be volunteering that someone reported you because that person is "jealous" of your success. What success? What is there about Colleen that anyone would want to emulate? That her parents have money? That she's in a freaking Gothic Art Class and they aren't? And did Colleen really think the dean would tell who reported her? Is Colleen a complete idiot? I know, it's a rhetorical question.

Now, keeping in mind that the dean said there is a "zero tolerance" policy at the college for such sticky matters as professors literally screwing their students, when Gerbil met with the dean to deny he's had nothing to do with Colleen, why did the dean say she'd hate to see his career end? Because the dean doesn't get out very often? She hasn't been at the Jitter Joint, we know. But who in this city doesn't know about Gerbil and Colleen? Wasn't he seen at the God Have Mercy Medical Center sitting outside her room drawing pictures of Colleen? Do all professors hold vigils like this for their students? Sounds to me like the dean needs a remedial course in common logic.

I also seem to recall a story in the local fish wrapper about the Newman's having found the buried reliquary treasure and Gerbil being thanked for his role in saving Colleen who was part of that mess and there on the blackboard in Gerbil's classroom was the code and a grade school student could have made the connection, but to expect a college dean to read the papers would be an act of digression.

Still, I can't help but think how lame-brained these two are. Right after they'd lied to the dean, where did they go? To the Jitter Joint where Gerbil said they shouldn't be seen together! Then they were seen together again at the Athletic Supporter. Colleen claimed she was there to fetch her paycheck, but when has she worked there the past two weeks, months? Wasn't she kidnapped? Wasn't she in the hospital? Was it a check she hadn't picked up from last year and how much could she have earned? Enough for a down payment on an apartment of her own? What does she need money for anyway? Huggies and a few gallons of Rocky Road? Talk about blowup. Now that Colleen's step-mother is pregnant, now that she's getting it on with Gerbil, how long until Colleen becomes pregnant too? Will daddy Brad call it a "miracle' that both his girls are with child within months of each other? Should she give birth, will the Dean be able to do the math?

Then, this thing, this lying bitch laid her sunken eyes on a new waiter at the AC. Not just any waiter, a hunkmonkey named - Rocky! Colleen nearly wet her panties. She gave Rocky her phone number and later swapped spit with Gerbil outside the place. Mustn't be seen together, no, no!

So. See why my blood pressure is up? I mean, am I going crazy, or is this not the craziest damn thing these two have done since they first hooked up?

Medical Madness

February 27, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Did you know the average human brain weighs three pounds? Notice I wrote, average. Naturally, this made me wonder how much the combined brains, assuming they have one, Sharon Newman, J.T. Hellstrom and Lily Romalotti brains must weigh. Not much more than an iota? I don't know that an iota weighs anything, but if does it can't be much.

I ask because, well, you see, Lily Romalotti is in the hospital. Is she dying from cancer or kidney failure? Given the way these Genoa City elite pop in and out of the hospital for the slightest ailment, you wish. No, Lily got boinked in the head by something her crazy mother hurled during one of Dru Winters' many tizzy fits.

As one who has been hit in the head a number of times, none of which left more than a bump or a scratch, I've never gone to the hospital after such an injury. Unless the injury was life threatening I wouldn't run like a baby to the ER so as not to incur a massive hospital bill $500 of which it costs just to walk through the door.

But in Genoa City, the rich don't have to worry about such things. They have money to burn for new ears, special communications devices and exhaustive lab tests. Their all-paid health insurance plans cover every malady known to man including dental and vision. What bills they receive are tossed aside, or given to their employer's accountant to be paid.

Can't really blame Dru though for throwing an expensive video camera. Members of her own family think she's lost it. They should have been pleased that Dru went out and purchased a new alarm system for the wooden box they live in. No, not one of those fancy Paul Williams brand alarm systems. The one Dru bought can be installed by a monkey. Hurled by Dru when the kids got snippy, the camera bounced off a table, broken some glass, and a flying piece struck Lily above her eye with such force as to require stitches!

Bawling like a stuck pig, Lily was taken to the God Have Mercy Medical Center where all-purpose doc Lynch suggested Ma Winters admit herself to a nut house. At first, Dru objected. But then agreed, ah hell, why not. It's not like she'll have to pay the bill.

Also at the GHM this day were those fretting over Colleen Carlton's condition. The victim of another walk-in freezer arson, Colleen was "sleeping" when her father was chased out of the room by a nurse looking much too happy to give the patient a bath. In the waiting room, Brad Carlton moaned and groaned that he won't know what he'll do should something tragic happen to his precious daughter.

Meantime, Colleen's mother, who hasn't bothered to visit her daughter in a coon's age, was located in Hong Kong! What was Traci Abbott Connelly doing there? Visiting family members Billy and Ashley Abbott and Abby Carlton.

No words can describe this insanity. Nor can anything be said as to why Sharon Newman would say she can't stop thinking about Colleen as if she actually knew Colleen because other than knowing that Colleen is Brad's daughter, Sharon doesn't.

The rocks rolling in Sharon's empty head were muffled by the sound of Jack Abbott saying he never thought he'd have to go through the hassle of a loved one being in the hospital again when not a year goes by that someone from his family isn't in the hospital.

The only thing that could have saved this lunacy wasn't Daniel Romalotti rushing to see how his bride was holding up and acting like if he hadn't been there Lily might die, it was the local college professor on ghoul watch too declaring his love for Colleen! All that was missing were the words coming from Adrian Gerbil's mouth, "Wake up! Wake up Colleen so we can fly to Vegas and get married! What? Too sleepy? That's okay. I'll dress the hunkmonkey up like you and marry him! What say you, Colleen? Sound like a plan? Hey! Wake up!"

And They Call it Puppy Love

January 30, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

I know, I should be whipped within an inch of my life for so much as thinking about reporting on a pack of pitchfork-wielding college kids with assorted crushes on their teachers and puppy love in general, but I couldn't help myself. It's just that silly.

I couldn't help but laugh when Daniel Romalotti, having noticed that professor Gerbil was making goo-goo eyes at Colleen Carlton while he was banging the albino Amber Moore - so freaking old she's got kids somewhere in Los Angeles she's apparently abandoned - would tell his teeny bopper wife he's worried the professor may be "trouble" and for Lily Romalotti to say she hopes Colleen knows what she's doing when it's obvious Colleen has never known what she's doing.

Then, because Daniel says he'll never understand women, and asking the albino why she lies like a rug and told she likes to play "hard to get", he played matchmaker for her by pretending two concert tickets she gave him were his, and because he couldn't go with Lily, asked new best friend the NoLastName Cane if he wanted the tickets and newcomer Cane, a bartender from the Outback, had a premonition there might be a connection between himself and customer Jill Abbott who, rightly so, said she didn't want to talk about her personal problems with a stranger.

Now, if only Daniel knew a real woman instead of those slimy third-grade creatures dug off the bottom of the Athletic Club shower stalls, he might understand women.

Like you must have, I rolled on the floor when Brad Carlton perked up to say Gerbil is using his poor daughter and by golly he's gonna squeeze the professor between his big thighs - or something - and that it's J.T. Hellstrom's job to protect Colleen because if not for the hunkmonkey having poked his nose into Brad's past none of this would be happening with Colleen.

It was disgusting too to hear Rebecca Kaplan, old woman that she is, tell her son to look at Colleen's side of the coin as if it's perfectly normal for a professor to have sex with a student so long as that's what the student wanted.

Who hasn't wanted to slap Colleen upside the head with a 2x4 more so now that she won't listen to awful truth coming out about Gerbil having found the body of a college student who, it seems, killed herself when she couldn't have the professor? How many more times can Colleen say that Gerbil is one of the good guys when she's seen the writing on the wall?

Dare we ask if more proof is needed that Colleen is this close to becoming as dumb as Sharon Newman, if she isn't already, after saying she should have known better than to trust her step-mother with the truth and yet spilled the love beads before big-mouth Victoria Carlton?

And while she whines that she's old enough to make her own decisions, a speaks with forked-tongue Victoria urges Brad not to interfere because she, Victoria, knows what it's like having an overbearing father who doesn't give a rat's ass what his wife thinks as he goes to fetch Colleen from her hiding place like a ten-year who's run away from home.

When Brad finds her at the Abbott college flop-house, Colleen sputters that friend Lily is not to blame until out of the blue Brad says he's got the reliquary which causes Colleen to melt like butter. Hand and hand, daughter and daddy go skipping home where they find - drum roll please - the professor looking for Colleen! This, of course, triggers Brad's thighs. He's about to put the squeeze on Gerbil when the professor says, by golly, Brad is right! He, Gerbil, did cross the line and by all that is holy Brad would be within his rights were he to call the college and demand Gerbil be fired. For whatever reason, Colleen yammers how happy Gerbil makes her. Alas, Gerbil, a broken man, tucks his tail leaving a bawling Colleen to fend for herself. During the family chat that ensues, Brad says he refuses to put his family in danger just so Colleen can have sex with her professor. Before anyone might say, "what the hell does that have to do with the price of rice in China" Colleen screams she won't have daddy running her life, storms off in a snit, and knowing exactly where to find Gerbil, tells him she's sorry her family is so uptight.

Then, as a mindless mental afterbirth, Colleen asked Gerbil, gosh, what about that dead student? Why didn't he tell her? Turns out Gerbil doesn't like talking about things like that, their not being conducive to having sex with his students and all. Swearing he has nothing to hide, Gerbil will turn the table; are the Carlton's hiding something? As for his interest in the reliquary, Gerbil told the Carlton's and Kaplan the only reason he wanted to publish Colleen's paper on it - but can't stop the presses now - was because Colleen "intrigued him."

And they call Colleen's infatuation puppy love.

Impaired Judgment

January 3, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

As a rule, the teenyboppers infesting Genoa City bore me. Unless they've done something massively outrageous, unless their sad and meaningless lives involve a pushing thirty-year-old hunkmonkey, I don't write about their antics. But when 18-year-old Colleen Carlton says she's not ready for a "serious" relationship with J.T. Hellstrom I cannot remain silent.

I cannot forget how for years Colleen would have sacrificed her left breast for a roll in the hay with Hellstrom. She did everything but spread her legs for the hunkmonkey and when Hellstrom still rejected her, saying he wanted her to remain a virgin until they were sure, it was thought, based on Hellstrom's admiration for Billy Abbott and Raul Guittierez, he was gay.

Colleen was so smitten she followed the banana trail to Los Angeles where the hunkmonkey was embarked on a short-lived rock star fantasy tour and when he announced to a pack of screaming teenage girls - who didn't know him from a hole in the ground - that he didn't have a girl, Colleen was so devastated she flew home and subsequently onto New York City to resume living with her mother.

Colleen swore Hellstrom off like a bad habit, and the hunkmonkey, his singing career over, went on to become head of security at a major conglomerate and as a private detective's sidekick, pretended to be a PI. To keep up the straight arrow ruse, Hellstrom agreed to play daddy to a former stripper's baby, claimed to have put the pork to other girls lusting after his hairless body, and by the time Colleen returned to Genoa City, for what she said was her grandfather's funeral, was destined to hookup with her again but not before having sex with Colleen's new step-mother.

Colleen found out what Hellstrom did, but it didn't matter. Having sex with her father's wife didn't bother Colleen because it was just sex and had been described as a "drug" people living here can't avoid becoming addicted to. Colleen eventually allowed Hellstrom to nail her and just when it seemed as though their fate had been sealed, she fell in love with a college professor after bumping into him quite by accident at a local coffee shop.

Giving herself to Professor Gerbil and apparently enjoying the feel of being with a real man, Colleen bitched that Hellstrom wasn't giving her information about his clients and then last week broke it off.

Dumber than a hammer, Hellstrom can't understand why. He's aware that she's infatuated with the professor, spends almost every waking hour with Gerbil, and yet, with his own addiction to sex, can't figure out that Colleen is too or that she's done the professor.

Calling Colleen's attitude "weird", Hellstrom is knocked for a loop when she says she's not ready for a "serious" relationship. He calls her a "little girl" when Colleen says she's tired of shacking up with him and moving back home to live with daddy, and yet runs to the step-mommy he screwed to ask Victoria Carlton what on earth it is that Colleen won't tell him.

Victoria's answer to the problem is that there isn't a problem, She tells the hunkmonkey there is nothing to worry about, but if he is, and he is, he should send flowers! Meanwhile, Colleen has run to the only friend she has, the equally as dumb if not more so, Lily Romalotti to say she suspects something is going on between the professor and newcomer Amber Moore. Colleen frets too that once the professor porked her he "moved on" when Gerbil realized she's just a child, or that she was so bad in the sack he'd rather do it with a blowup doll.

And Lily's brilliant suggestion?

Colleen should stay away from the professor. Why? Because Colleen doesn't know much about Gerbil and could be throwing away a good sex life with the hunkmonkey. And why would Lily think for a moment Colleen would listen to a word she says? Because like Colleen, Lily followed Colleen's suggestion that she stay away from sexual predator Kevin Fisher.

Adding to this intense bubble gum drama, text messages from the professor are pouring into Colleens' phone. She doesn't have to worry about this expensive habit because she's rich. Colleen works now and then, mostly then, as a waitress. Spotting the phone, Lily rolls her eyes. She gives the impression of being much older and wiser than Colleen when she's barely out of diapers herself.

Meantime, Gerbil dreams of Colleen only hours after having sex with Amber who too notices all the text messages on his phone from Colleen.

In Gerbil's university campus classroom, Colleen is irked when she sees Amber wanting to audit another of the professor's art classes. She spits at Amber that she, Amber, is not a student, yet it was perfectly okay with Colleen when Hellstrom wanted to audit the class. To irritate Colleen further, Amber lets it be known that she spent the night with Gerbil thereby adding fuel to the romantic fire burning in the loins of a teenybopper not ready for a serious relationship with the hunkmonkey, but apparently ready for one with the professor who likes to screw his female students and will, if ever busted, probably claim impaired judgment as should Hellstrom if he's stupid enough to keep chasing after little girls.

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