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News Archives - Daniel Romalotti
See also: Lily Romalotti  Amber Ashby  Kevin Fisher  Devon Hamilton

Fender Bender

by Brent Kellogg & Liza Van Horne
December 13, 2007

With Daniel Romalotti soon to become involved in a fender-bender, and of all the dumb luck rear-ends a vehicle driven by Assistant District Attorney Heather Stevens, we put out of our minds any notion that Romalotti will be high on porn at the time, or that Stevens will not be on official duty and thus be operating her very personal Honda Civic.

Knowing nothing more than there will be an incident, and Amber Moore will ask Romalotti if he's an idiot, it's safe to say the incident will cause much consternation. There won't be a mere exchange of insurance information with the insurance companies shelling out a few bucks to keep the drivers happy, things will get convoluted. Still upset that Paul Williams is her father, and who can blame her, Stevens will probably have Romalotti charged with a crime because - and I could be wrong - he was driving without a license or without insurance - or both.

Oh yes, it can happen that Romalotti forgot to pay his insurance bill or say that he doesn't have the money when at the drop of a hat his rich mother can zoom back and forth to Madison in half the time it takes those who must charter planes or take commercial flights to the capitol.

It can be that Stevens still has an axe to grind with Phyllis Newman who has yet to work out terms of an arranged probation subsequent to her prison sentence being thrown out and in Steven's mind Mrs. Newman still has a debt that must be paid to society although members of Newman's dysfunctional family have said she's paid in full.

At the very worst the accident could lead to an affair between Stevens and Romalotti because Genoa City isn't Genoa City unless there are mismatched couples twisting and turning in hot sticky sex and we learn that like her Pa, Stevens has a thing for young, inexperienced boys and boy howdy she'll show Romalotti what he missed while married to the cold as ice Lily Winters who so turned Romalotti off he turned to porn for gratification.

As it starts out, you can easily argue that Stevens' legal hold over naive Romalotti will be another disturbing exercise in fear mongering. DA's are nothing if they can't instill in baffled children even more dread and anxiety about adulthood and God and life itself. Imagine Romalotti in need of a lawyer and there being but one in a mini-megalopolis must settle for Michael Baldwin. Imagine the days and weeks this could drag on as Romalotti fears going to prison and how being behind bars will hurt his baby sister.

Imagine Ms. Winters coming to former hubby's aid, saying she'll drop out of the Faces of Jabot contest if it'll help, and Stevens, jealous of the former Mrs. Romalotti, finding a way to have Cane Ashby implicated in the Clear Springs disaster.

Imagine the fallout should Stevens' boss suddenly appear one day to say she's no longer able to persecute people because that's the job of the City Prosecutor and at long last the City, not the State, will go after small-time gangsters and will for the first time assign the task of catching crooks to the Police Department.

After Heather is restrained from chasing people around town and threatening to arrest them, she will find herself down in the dumps, right? So naturally she'll be hanging around the Jitter Joint, sitting alone in a corner with her mascara running down her face as she cries bitter tears into her $5 dollar eggnog latte. Daniel might happen along and decide to pester her again, since he has the brains God gave a box of Kleenex and no sense of boundaries.

Hopped up on caffeine, imagine that they begin bickering about the car accident and their anger escalates to the point they are screaming at each other and in the cliché of all clichés, suddenly sweep their laptops aside and lock lips in what could arguably be the most awkward love-hate making session in Genoa City history. Still publicly groping each other, imagine they leave the Jitter Joint and continue playing tonsil hockey in the back of Miss Stevens' car, where after an interval of forty-five seconds or so we fade to commercial just as Mr. Romalotti is heard to exclaim "So that's where it is! Jeez!" and Stevens quips, "Why is it bent? Did you break it masturbating?"

Dark Age Justice

by Brent Kellogg
November 13, 2007

It jumped off my desk like a wounded grasshopper - indicating, I think, that I'd better pay some sort of attention to it - the topic being the obvious but still desperately under-discussed idea that perhaps the most dangerous problem facing Genoa City needs a good reaming. That would be of course, issues long forgotten, never talked about when they should have been, or talked to death, are seemingly now the talk of the town.

Case in point: Daniel Romalotti is on parole and doing community service!

Check that. He's not on parole, but he is seeing a parole officer who it would seem has given him permission to slack off so long as he performs community service. What that service is doesn't matter so long as does my hair look gay porn boy says he's doing it. That probation officers usually deal with those on probation, and not those on parole as parole officers do, does not matter either because as we know, Genoa City is not like other cities. Here, assistant district attorneys, whose job it is to prosecute cases brought to them by law enforcement agencies, actually go out drumming up evidence and making their own cases.

On probation following the drunk-driving case involving Cassie Newman - for which he was found not guilty when Nick Newman came forward to say he covered up evidence, a crime Newman was not charged with, Romalotti gave one speech on the dangers of drinking and driving. After going on the run with Lily Winters, both children of the corn were ordered to perform community service, but neither did.

Earlier this year, in a plea bargain for his part in the Dorks of Doom case during which he helped career criminal Kevin Fisher move the body of a dead man named Plum Garrett, and with Amber Moore stole what turned out to be government money, two cases that were never solved, Romalotti was ordered to perform community service.

That was in June. In the five months since there has never been one mention of Romalotti performing community service or being on probation until now. And if he's on probation, does that mean Fisher and Moore are too? Not bloody likely.

Also unlikely for those in the real world, is the notion that when the ADA catches you, or your mother, breaking terms of your (A) work release program (B) parole (C) probation, you don't lip-off to the ADA. You don't, as Phyllis Newman did Monday, tell Heather Stevens that she doesn't know squat about being a mother and therefore should look the other way when you violate your ABCs. You don't, as Romalotti did, potty-mouth the ADA about having a black heart, even if it's true. You do, in the real world, get on your kneepads and pray that the ADA is a forgiving sort and will, this one time, cut you some slack.

For damn sure, you don't tailgate the ADA, find her sniveling and hand her a napkin! A Kleenex, maybe. And for goddamn sure, when you've just told her that she's heartless, you don't wipe snot off her face even if in this case, Stevens is like her mother.

Subsequent to April Steven's arrest for killing Dr. Robert Lynch, she set the record for bawling, having snot run out her nose, over her lip and into her mouth. It got so ugly stores ran out of tissue. That's how fast April went through it. This week, her first real bawling jag since discovering that Paul Williams is her father - and who wouldn't bawl upon receiving that scary news - Heather honked out a bucket of snot. Thinking he'd score some points, Romalotti wiped the snot that had blown back on her cheek and thanked her for being "human" for not blowing the whistle on Phyllis. His ass-kissing failed to produce the desired effect when Heather said she hadn't changed her mind about requesting a violation hearing for him.

As if more proof was needed that Daniel's the dumbest dink to come along since Billy Abbott and Raul Guittierez, I must go back a moment and wonder why he had to call a doctor to ask what might be wrong with half-sister Summer, and when it began that doctors in this city diagnose over the telephone. Have you tried to get your doctor on the phone lately? Could you so much as reach the nurse?

Why couldn't Phyllis have done that? She hasn't had any problem with calling around looking for Todd Scheller. She can't be worried that the phones are being tapped. Why couldn't "Natty" the Day-Care worker have called the doctor? Why is it that anyone responsible for small children and young puppies wouldn't know when a baby is teething as "Natty" suspected? And why did Natty call Phyllis? Hasn't the NE staff been told that Phyllis is not to have any contact with her family? Is it that freaks like Lauren Baldwin can drop by to see the women her husband used to have sex with? Is it part of the ruse that nobody will think it odd that a department store magnate - such that Lauren is supposed to be - routinely assist with the busy work of NE jailbirds?

Moreover, considering that law-dodging crooks like Jack Abbott are facilitating Phyllis' rule infractions, why wouldn't there be a guard, or a secretary outside whatever door Phyllis is behind, to warn when the ADA is in the building? Taking that theory the next step, how is it that Stevens can trot around NE without having an escort? Have these people never seen Law and Order?

In closing, I must ask: Is Phyllis a lame brain? Okay, it's a rhetorical question. But when your lawyer has said that you've been granted an appeal hearing, why would you ask why? Do you give a crap how it came about? Isn't that why you're paying an attorney big bucks? Or is it that Michael Baldwin is your lawyer and you know how shady he is? For example, Baldwin told Phyllis "one of the judges may have had a change of heart."

Jumping Jesus! Does he mean one of the same judges who sent Phyllis to prison sits on the appellate court too? We've heard of the kangaroo courts in Genoa City, but if what Baldwin said is true, the justice system here just took another step into the Dark Ages.

Porn Addict Relieved of Duty

August 8, 2007
by Brent Kellogg 

Fired? He never should have been hired. If not for the nepotism scourge in Genoa City, Daniel Romalotti might be baking muffins at his friend's coffee shop and not delivering mail and servicing those using the men's room at his father-in-law's place of employment. If Romalotti, or his mother, had a brain he wouldn't need to work. So rich she can afford $400 per day hotel rooms and has spent thousands on legal fees over the years, Phyllis Newman should be footing the bill for her son's education. She should require that he stay in school, attend class, and not work for any reason especially when working doesn't stop him from getting into trouble with the law.

Be that as it may, being that even if Romalotti is found guilty of some crime and will despite his arrest record get another slap on the wrist, Romalotti will bounce back. He'll run to Jack Abbott or auntie Gina Roma for a job and come out smelling like a girly boy because in this town it's impossible to keep a spoiled brat down.

If what happened to Romalotti this week is any indication, it's also impossible for a corporate giant like Newman Enterprises to install a firewall to protect its company-wide computer network. Not that it came as any surprise that the entire system almost went down and a spyware program was able to install itself and spam what Neil Winters called "half the universe", at last report part-time private eye, full-time hunkmonkey J.T. Hellstrom was in charge of Newman security.

Sound crazy? It is, and yet regardless of what Brad Carlton called a "crisis", Hellstrom was nowhere to be seen following the charge that someone, presumably Romalotti, watched some porn at the office using a computer DVD player. And while it was a DVD movie, while there are those who say they've never seen a porn movie in which links were provided which could be clicked on and subsequently open the door to hackers, Winters screamed that a clicked link nearly forced an entire corporation to its knees.

As a result of the breech, without any evidence that hackers had accessed sensitive company data, Winters nevertheless ordered all passwords changed, except of course, Romalotti's.

Out on his ass, by late Tuesday Romalotti hadn't cried. He didn't ask his father-in-law for proof that it was he who had watched porn on a company computer, or why Hellstrom hadn't been called in to assess the situation. He didn't either ask Winters, "If you've seen one addict you've seen them all? Is that it? Guilt by association? Is that what they said when you were a drunk? What if I get down on my knees pads and kiss your ass like you kissed Victor Newman's ass how many times? Will you take me back; give me another chance? You hypocritical bastard. Don't worry, I'll do what you want. I'll stay away from your stinking-filthy-slimy-family. Who needs you? Damn, I should have known better than to get mixed up with you back-stabbing monkeys."

Money Will Set Them Free!

August 6, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

Funny, isn't it? How the freaks of Genoa City, after being gone from their jobs for days and weeks at a time to deal with a personal problems, return to work as if nothing happened? Take today for example, business executive Cane Ashby, his wife just released from the dirty hands of a hostage and her subsequent arrest, told his secretary not to take any calls!

And what did the secretary tell callers while Cane was gone?

"I'm sorry, Sir. Mr. Ashby is delivering money to his wife's kidnapper. Would you like to leave a message? Oh, wait. I've just been told he'll be making the drop at the Athletic Supporter Club. If you hurry you might be able to catch him."

As for Mrs. Ashby today, free on bail thanks to her mother-in-law's generosity, she had the audacity to ask Jill Abbott if she, Abbott, is holding the money, missing federal money, taken from the dead man named 'Plum', the body of which Ashby helped dump on a city street, and which police still don't apparently care who murdered.

It wasn't so much that Ashby needed a loan to pay her share the money she spent, as it was that she and her co-defendants were told today that unless they return the money they'll all go to prison!

It's true!

Conferring with all-purpose attorney Michael Baldwin, Ashby and Daniel Romalotti were told the charges against them, criminal trespass, a class G felony punishable by up to ten years in the big house, robbing a corpse, also a class G felony, and $34,000 in fines for a grand total of 21 years or so in the gulag.

Baldwin didn't mention murder because, well, the cops don't seem to be interested in who killed Plum, just that his money, government money, was stolen.

Making matters worse for Romalotti, the dorky child has been told by weasel in-law Devon Hamilton that if his wife divorces him it can't happen soon enough, not to mention it would give Devon Hamilton a chance to score with his foster sister, something Hamilton has wanted since he first met Lily Winters, and was again today looking at the empty-headed Lily with lust in his black eyes. Add to that, Mrs. Romalotti announced today she's already retained a lawyer and in fact called him to start divorce proceedings. Who the lawyer is was not immediately known, but given there is but one lawyer in Genoa City it was thought at first to be another job for Baldwin except that he's already representing Mr. Romalotti in a criminal case. Not that it matters, conflict of interest in this city has never been a problem.

Seeking one more chance to make amends since she always has in the past, Mr. Romalotti was mystified when his wife said no and without so much as calling ahead to see if Baldwin might be trying to have sex with his wife, Romalotti showed up at the Baldwin family home where he was ripped for generally being a dumb dork and told that the little woman can't be blamed for wanting to divorce him.

When he's not committing crime and chasing ambulances, Baldwin also displayed today his skills as a psychotherapist. After forcing his client to admit, aloud, that he's a porn addict and all-around freak, Romalotti and Baldwin shared a warm and fuzzy moment; friends again except for the fact it was Baldwin's notion that growing up is hard, and without the lecture that getting married too young and breaking more laws than the president of a certain country does not a good boy make.

Considering the idiocy so far, had the story ended there it might not have been so bad. But as we've seen all too often, it only gets worse as it did today when Romalotti dragged his pimple-infected ass into the Jitter Joint to pray.

Talking to a likeness of the very dead Cassie Newman, Romalotti spoke in tongue as if speaking to Satan. He told the dummy who helped bring about her own demise of his addiction and asked that Cassie help him change. Without thinking that if she hadn't got behind the wheel of his Plymouth Duster and crashed it into a telephone pole she might be alive today, Romalotti hacked about the life she never got to live. A life of crime perhaps, or maybe challenging her mother for the title "Town Slut"?

And lo but what during this solemn hour of power from below, who should hear Romalotti ask for help with turning the beat around? Creepy Mrs. Ashby who asked that they might change together and thus prove again that misery loves company, or in this case, returning the money will set them free.

Working Girls

July 10, 2007
by Brent Kellogg 

Let's flip a coin. If it comes up heads, can't remember he was married legally, or otherwise, but remembers enough to know which Las Vegas Chapel of Love he was married in, Cane Ashby will be the dumbest thing we ever did hear today. If it comes up tails, Amber Ashby and Daniel Romalotti leaving partner in crime Kevin Fisher alone with Colleen Carlton to deal with Jana Hawkes will be the dumbest thing. If the coin should land on its edge, Devon Hamilton having found himself a woman so hot he spent the night with her will be the dumbest thing.

It must be that Cane knew where to call because it may be written on his marriage certificate. Right near the bottom most likely are the words, "Issued on this day of this year of our Lord at the Chapel of Love, Las Vegas, NV. In the event you are dissatisfied with our service or wish to have your wedding annulled, please write or call us at 555-5555. We reserve the right to refuse refund to those who claim not to have known what they were doing at the time of marriage. If you wish to have a duplicate copy of this certificate, please call and report that you spilled coffee on the original and we'll happily send a copy without knowing for sure that you are who you say you are. In the event you don't know much or anything about the person you married we'll assume you come from Genoa City, WI. If that's the case, please contact our local representative in that city, Mrs. Katherine Chancellor Sterling. Note: Mrs. Sterling may be no longer be using the name Sterling. Thank you for your business. Please come again the next time you rush into a marriage. Your friends in matrimony at the Chapel of Love."

It must be too that when you've conspired to commit a crime by stealing money found at the scene of a suspicious death and helped moved the body, when your partner wants you to dig it up so that he can use the money to lure a fugitive from justice into a trap, you naturally do as he says and tag along to be on hand for the exchange. But once you've grown tired of waiting for the mark to make her move, you and your other partner discover there are better things to do so you leave partner #1 alone with one of his former victims because you know he's "changed" and haven't seen anything to indicate that partner #1 has gone back to his crazy ways. Before leaving, you allow partner #2 to take the loot out of the gym bag it was in and toss the loose bundles of cash into the trunk of her car unaware that there have been a rash of flat tires in Genoa City lately. You cannot therefore warn your partner to be very careful and besides, were she to get a flat tire you wouldn't worry as you know that if someone like her husband was to open the trunk and see some loose bills she'd say they fell out of her purse and the husband would most likely believe her.

You do all of these things because you're as crazy as they are! Your name in all the papers for having been arrested at a strip club for soliciting a police officer, you relentlessly lie to your wife who already knows you're a lying, porn-addicted bastard even though for some ungodly reason she's given you a second and third chance to redeem yourself. And when confronted by your wife's adopted brother you have the audacity to say you didn't know whores work at strip clubs; why, those nice ladies are just working girls, like yourself and, come to think of it, your partners in crime; working girls trying to make a buck in more ways than one.

Space Cowboy Turns Bounty Hunter

June 14, 2007
by  Brent Kellogg

Would Daniel Romalotti please get a set of balls? I understand it's hard for a boy repressing overwhelming feminine propensities, but Jesus with a double-D cup, can't this kid do what J.T. Hellstrom does? Can't Daniel at least pretend to be a man and tell that nagging little bitch girl he calls a wife to shut the hell up? Just once tell Lily to kiss his ass and stop saying he's trying to change.

What's so hard about putting an end to an addiction to porn? Most men, and that's the problem here, that Daniel isn't one, can either take porn or leave it. It's not like crack cocaine. It's not like Daniel will die if he can't have an orgasm. He doesn't need to look at naked, ugly women when J.T. would most likely let him move into the Sugar Shack now that a dead body as been found where Daniel's been crashing. That Victoria Carlton is being serviced at the shack by J.T. wouldn't be a problem either because J.T. loves having other boys around listening to his bedsprings creak.

In a small way it's easy to understand why Lily can't close her yap. Daniel knows what pisses her off, and yet he keeps doing it. Surely he must know his identity has been stolen and yet he's done nothing but try to keep it a secret by asking that his one and only pal Kevin not say anything when Lily's debit card is being declined and the check he wrote for head shrinking services bounced. When Lily's $1,000 check for school tuition bounces she's gonna be on his ass big time.

So what does a bright college boy like Daniel do? Does he start the process one goes through when one's bank account has been hacked into and drained? Will his life be ruined like countless other victims have?

Nope. Daniel's trying to sell his car before Lily's catches onto why they don't have money. What will he tell Lily when she notices the car missing? He loaned it to a friend and it got stolen? The stolen part might work, but Lily knows Daniel has but Kevin as a friend and Kevin ain't driving no Honda Civic. What else could Daniel do? Think hard. Figure it out?

Daniel's going to become a bounty hunter!

Crazy you say?

Crazy, yes, true, yes.

Kevin said today he'll pay big bucks for the capture of one Jana Hawkes. He didn't say dead or alive, but hey, does it matter? Can you see Daniel hot on Jana's trail? Can you see him on America's Most Wanted holding Jana's scalp in one hand and a big gun in the other? "Me catch 'em wild injun squaw" he might say because you never know. If J.T. can become a private detective, anything is possible in Genoa City.

Like Homosexuality, Porn is Sick Disease

June 12, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

Spank me for asking such a dumb question, but aren't Daniel and Lily Romalotti nearly broke? Weren't they recently hard-pressed to pay the bills and yet Daniel was spending money to view porn sites and purchasing flash drives putting the purchases on a credit card? How then can he afford to pay to have his head shrunk and how did he get an appointment so fast?

One minute Daniel was letting his one and only pal, the crazy Kevin Fisher, talk him into seeing a shrink, and the next he was meeting with the doctor and asking that his estranged wife sit in on the session. With Kevin having had his head shrunk too, and three extended sessions later became "a changed man", funny too was that the doctor allowed the patient to call his wife as the clock ticked away.

Learning that she was wanted at the doctor's office, Lily Romalotti declined at first, then lo and behold managed to get her ass there with time to spare to tell of her mother's death and Daniel's addiction and the doctor interrupting to ask Daniel if he ever thought to ask Lily how she felt about his looking at naked babes as if to say that like homosexuality, men who do such things have a medical disease which cannot be, pardon the pun, rectified by a marriage counselor.

"Not that I am one, Doc, but what man tells his wife he's whacking off to porn much less asks how the wife feels about it? Do you know Dr. Winters by any chance," Daniel did not say.

"What about you little lady? Don't you know how to keep a man satisfied? If you were performing your wifely duties Daniel might not be paying me $125 an hour. Did you ever think about that?" the doctor didn't say either because in order to have this scene make any sense you've got to make the dialog up, and it would have been nice to know how the Romalotti's can afford psychiatric help unless it's one of the many medical benefits they receive from their high-paying jobs. Lily, her part-time job at the Little Shop of Horrors, and Daniel, his job in the Newman Enterprises mailroom, while they both attend college full-time when they aren't dealing with a personal crisis.

Then again, since Kevin's rich, since he owns the Jitter Joint and holds down a job at Jabot Cosmetics complete with a fancy office, maybe he agreed to pay the doctor. In Genoa City you never know where these freaks find the money, or the time, to do what they do.

As for why Lily no longer turns Daniel on, she's got a case of Nina Webster low self-esteem. She's not worthy of a man like Daniel and yet can't help but ask what he gets from looking at porn that he can't get from her. If it's doggie style he likes, all Daniel has to do is ask. She'll bend over and bark on command. If Daniel wants, she'll pretend to be J.T. Hellstrom, whatever it takes.

Ah, but Daniel says he's kicked the porn habit; he's trying to change and by God if Kevin could change, anyone can. If Lily would stop the henpecking they wouldn't have to waste the hundreds someone's gonna have to pay the doctor. So, how 'bout it Lily? Can we just move on? Can we get over ourselves because we will anyway and save everyone the misery? Wha'choo mean no? You can't trust me? You caught me pounding the pud too many times and there's nothing I can do to change your mind? Then why in hell are we here? Filling a void? Passing the time until you fall for Kevin? Why, you little skank! Do you have any idea what that means? It means I'll have to confront Kevin and tell him to stay away from my wife like Cane Ashby told me to stay away from his wife and Brad Carlton told J.T. and oh, time's up for this session. Don't worry, Doc. We'll be back. I will anyway. Would it be okay to bring Kevin next time?

Who Hooked Daniel Romalotti?

May 31, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

That's what I get for falling asleep. There's so much happening in Genoa City that if I snooze, I lose, and thus missed Amber Ashby winning the Extreme Cat Pee contest. There was never any doubt she would win, or that this contest wasn't open to the public, Jill Abbott got to pick and choose who appeared on the show and because a cameraman filmed Amber having a spat with Lily Romalotti, which was broadcast live because cameramen get to decide what goes out over the air and all this time I thought the show was taped, had Amber removed from further competition until after Jill conducts an investigation into whether Amber got Daniel Romalotti hooked on porn.

You understand all this - right? You can see how Amber should have been cast as a role model for Genoa City and like there are no other, more resident hot babes in town, such as Sharon Abbott who would have better represented the fine citizenry. A relative newcomer got the role just because she was so assertive. Once Amber showed her true colors, once Lily went in search of the truth, the die was cast. Amber could, and did deny Lily's charges all she wanted, but to no avail and the matter won't be settled until someone begs Lily to forgive and forget which she'll ultimately do.

For a woman who was having sex with a boy young enough to be her son, a woman who stole men from her own mother, it was Jill who said Amber lacks character. She said wives don't send photographs of themselves to the husbands of other married women, but as Jill knows, it's perfectly okay for married couples to be promiscuous or for her to steal the men her mother married.

It's common practice in this city for Lily to ask Amber's husband if he was in on the conspiracy to get her husband hooked like a drug dealer hangs around the school playground hoping to turn young children onto the deadly weed. It is natural too that Cane Ashby would respond to a girl who begged the local sexual predator for sex, ran off against her parents wishes on two crime sprees - albeit mostly misdemeanors which were later forgiven - and not tell Lily to get out of his face.

"Believe me, Lily. My wife and I would never do such a thing. Please! We beg your humble forgiveness," Cane did not actually say, but you know how it goes. You knew it was only a matter of time before Amber and Daniel would hookup and whine about their marriages being in trouble. Gosh, what could have caused that? Whatever it is, Amber told Daniel that Lily can never know the truth feared so as the truth is. She added that Daniel must never leave Lily alone as to do so would be an admission of guilt and then for Daniel to do just that; leave Lily alone after, as it was bound to happen, Lily caught him with Amber.

Finding Daniel at home later, Lily listened to him spew like a sissified replica of Lindsey Lohan about giving up his addiction before saying what a fool she was for not figuring out what Daniel and Amber were doing when she saw them in front of a computer together. It was then that Lily, a full-time college student with no source of income, kicked her meal ticket out of a house that Jack Abbott provided Daniel rent-free! And like the testicle-free sissy he is, perhaps wanting to prove that he can play the dejected husband role as good as anyone, Daniel will mostly likely do as he's told and the odds are good he'll run to his only friend, the sexually perverted criminal Kevin, who will lecture Daniel on morals.

Just One of Those Things

May 8, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

Pop quiz: Which is funnier? Kevin Fisher hiring J.T. Hellstrom to find Jana Hawkes, or Daniel Romalotti moving in with Kevin?

The correct answer is none of the above.

Seems like just yesterday Kevin was muttering about not having enough money. He owns a coffee shop, works as Jabot Cosmetics' web master, but doesn't have enough money? Does that explain why Kevin spends so much time at his brother's home? Where exactly is Kevin's home? Is he renting the Sugar Shack that J.T. Hellstrom once said rents for $2,000 and was so costly he had three cockroaches move in to share the rent? Wasn't J.T. last reported to be living in the shack alone? Where's Kevin getting the money to hire a hunkmonkey? Do hunkmonkeys work cheap? What do hunkmonkey's do between assignments which J.T. is so often? Do they hang around expensive athletic clubs getting drunk, pining over little girls who have rejected them?

If the Genoa City Police can't find Hawkes, what makes Kevin think J.T. can? Wouldn't it be better to hire J.T.'s boss? By the way, where is Paul 'Clueless' Williams? Why aren't the cops looking for a known kidnapper and the person who killed Carmen Mesta? Why would Romalotti want to move in with Kevin? Do these boys have something going we don't know about? Doesn't Daniel have a hot wife? Was it not so long ago that he and Lily Winters were willing to do whatever it took so long as they could be together? So why has this marriage already failed? Because it was doomed from the start like so many others in this city? How does a young stud with a hot mare get so easily distracted? Something in the genes? The water?

Romalotti got busted today for watching pornography at the workplace. He was scolded by former step-daddy Jack Abbott and as of this writing will not be fired from his job like a common worker. Perhaps humiliated, worried that word of his porn addiction will hit the Internet, Daniel will be ashamed to go home to his wife. He will need a place to stay and thus, within hours of promising Kevin he wouldn't do anything stupid, Kevin will take him in and God forbid that means moving into Michael Baldwin's tiny condom.

Her man having flown the love nest; missing the nights of waking up and finding Daniel downstairs glued to the computer; yearning for the days when she could clean up the white stuff under the desk, Lily will take action. She will start sending Daniel email using a fake name. Computer savvy, knowing to put porn files on flash drives, Daniel won't think to check where the email is originating. He won't see the ISP genoacity.com because the computer illiterate Lily will use a Yahoo address to send sexually explicit mail and when Daniel falls into the trap scream at him for wanting sex with strange women - or men - while she lays alone in bed with the Magic Hitachi.

In the dog house, Daniel will turn to the mother of sluts, Amber Ashby. Amber will tell him how to handle the little woman. The batteries running low, the sexual tension pent up, Lily may need to get even. She may need to cheat on Daniel so that later she can say that who or whatever she had sex with doesn't matter because it only happened once; it was just sex. Just one of those things.

Caught With His Pants Down!

March 29, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

Are you waiting for the day Lily Romalotti catches her husband checking out porn on the Internet? Can you imagine the look on Lily's face when it hits her that she alone cannot satisfy Daniel's throbbing sexual need? You know there's got to be a reason Lily isn't pregnant yet, and I'm suspecting it's that she can't turn him on. If Lily had Sharon Newman's sex drive she'd have sucked the sperm right out of Daniel by now. She'd be running around like Victoria Carlton proud of the thing growing in her belly, telling some of her bundle of joy while urging them not to spoil the fun by telling others until she's had a chance to.

If there's anything good about a pregnant Lily, it would be that she wouldn't have to wonder whose baby it is. Outside her foster brother and Kevin Fisher, no other man has shown an interest in her. Her parents don't seem very interested either. Neil and Dru Winters haven't put the pressure on Lily to spring forth a grandchild much the way Mary Williams did her son. Who can forget how often Mary would bitch and moan about wanting a grandchild and when Paul Williams finally delivered, Mary split the Genoa City scene without a care that her precious grandson had been banished to Los Angeles never to be seen again.

Getting back to Daniel, how interesting is it too that his mother isn't harping about his barren wife or asking if there isn't something wrong in the bedroom? Could having Lily's 'bro sleeping in the next room be distracting him? Getting up there in years, Phyllis Newman should be laying a Mrs. Williams rant on her son. "C'mon, kid. Get with it! Don't you know Sharon had her first baby long before she was your age? Just think, if you and Lily have a baby, my baby would have someone to play with. Didn't you hear me and Lauren Baldwin say repeatedly we couldn't wait for our babies to be born so they could become best friends? I know, the two kids haven't spent more than an hour in the same room, but Christ, give me a break. Summer was kidnapped! Or was it Fen-Fen? One of them was, I know that. I know, I've pretty much forgotten about Summer since that harrowing day, but, well, Fen-Fen ain't exactly Abby Carlton or Noah Newman. Say, whatever happened to Noah? Didn't you have a thing for him? Don't you know he's your half-brother now? Isn't that what you wanted? Oh well, you're in the prime of life, Daniel. You know what they say? Use it or lose it. It does work, doesn't it?

By the way, Daniel. Could you explain why you are so giddy about Neil winning a seat on the Newman Board of Directors? Caught up in your wife's and Devon Hamilton's giddiness? Why are they so happy? Do all teenagers take such an interest in their parent's careers? You figure sucking around Neil long enough will get you a seat on the board too? What about me? Why am I not on the board? I am a Newman."

If only Phyllis knew. If she had any idea that Lily's lone friend is sleeping with a college professor, and that Lily and her adopted brother condone such action, she might not want Daniel putting the pork to Lily. She might be surprised to learn that Devon scolded Daniel for telling others what Colleen Carlton is doing. She might, if Phyllis had an scruples. Like mother, like son, the only difference between Phyllis and Daniel is that the son has become addicted to porn and he's not doing much to keep it a secret. Who other than a buffoon would let his wife peek at his email, and when she saw a slew of messages from adult websites, say that his small circle of mindless friends played a joke on him? What friends wouldn't say, "Hey! We do a lot of strange things, but we'd never solicit porn on your behalf. We know how once your web browser gets into a porn site you have to shut the damn thing down to get out. Who's sending you porn?"

But no, intelligent form of life does not exist in Genoa City. Here, freaks like Devon and Colleen and Lily say, "Oh my! We had no idea how easy it is to accidentally come across porn sites. We didn't know that plugging the word 'sex' into Google would result in so many porn listings. There outta be a law!"

And while Lily didn't have a clue, while she was discussing Colleen's affair with the professor, where was Daniel? Suring the net for porn. Logged into newest whore in town Amber Moore's porn shop he was. Not just looking, not just taking the 'free' tour of hunkmonkeys milking themselves and spilling cream cheese all over the sore-infested bodies of Amber's "models", he's going for the gold! He's got his credit card out, punching in the numbers without any concern that predators are lurking in the background, copying the number down and planning their next shopping spree at BestBuy or Circuit City. Yes, Daniel's got the fever. Porn fever. White gold. No Diane Jenkins or Ashley Abbott around to scoop up the droppings and have his babies.

Unlike most married males addicted to porn, Daniel cares less that his wife is nearby and could at any moment catch him with his pants down. He's not locking himself in the den or waiting until he's alone in the house because he wants to be caught. Not by Lily; not by the girl whose only experience with men had been that of a sexual predator and probably wouldn't know masturbation when she sees it; by Devon.

Devon is turned on by such things. He loves that Colleen is doing her teacher; he hates that Daniel "let the cat out of the bag"; he admitted to having "feelings" for Lily and probably still does given his continued living with a young married couple. Given time, Devon could catch Daniel. If it happens who's to say Devon won't say, "Can I help you with that?" Think of the money Daniel could save and still have sex too!

Turning a Blind Eye to Porn

March 19, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

I confess. There is, right this minute, a desire within me. I want to be an FBI agent. Not just any agent, an undercover agent. I want to slip into Genoa City unannounced without having the townsfolk embracing me with the most intimate details of their meaningless lives. Without a search warrant issued by the local sleepy judge, or any judge, I want to tap into their computers and cellphones to see which of them has very naughty porn collections. In particular, I'd like to see that belonging to college boy Daniel Romalotti. What are his fantasies and fetishes and preferred angles of view?

What websites does he visit; his chat conversations? Could they get him into a pile of trouble? Could he lose his prestigious mailroom job? Does he still have that job? Could what he has on his computer cause him to get divorced, become embarrassed, or be sent to prison? Are there "funny" emails to a young boy named Noah? Is there at least one to a certain big-eared teen speaking of such horror as "I'd like to see what's under your towel?"

You know I'd find it. Not because I'm clever; not because I am sanctioned by the government to spy on these citizens in the name of protecting themselves from the unknown, but because I've known for some time residents here like Daniel are dumb enough to leave such material where prying eyes can get to it. Sure, some of them know that freaks like Kevin Fisher and J.T. Hellstrom can hack into their computers at will, but despite the best known firewalls and securities systems the Paul Williams Alarm Company has to offer, they seem unconcerned that their computers are recording devices.

There is, no doubt, on Romalotti's computer, lascivious and far too explicit smut to describe here. Let's just say there's most likely the personal journal Romalotti wrote to himself back when he so desperately wanted to become Noah's brother. Of course, once that became a reality thanks to his mother's marriage, Daniel gave up the notion of getting closer to Noah because, well, the thrill was gone.

I'd go so far as to say that if the good people of Genoa City were to find out how demented and sacrilegious Daniel is, they'd have him tarred and feathered and run out of town on a slow boat to Hong Kong. If his fellow employees knew Daniel was downloading porn at work or passing along raunchy e-mail jokes to exactly the wrong uptight co-worker by day, and then cruising gay chat rooms by night, imagine the, um, blowback. Daniel would have to think twice before running for political office like his enabler, Jack Abbott. He could, of course, come out and confess a year before such run and voters would forget by election day, but still, there's the hassle; the temporary embarrassment.

The problem with Daniel is that he's becoming addicted to porn. What I can't understand is the rush he gets. I understand that we are a nation taught to be ashamed of our fantasies; we've been told from the first day we got caught touching ourselves "down there" that it's evil and that we'll go blind and keep it, um, up and we'll need electroshock therapy and that daddy keeps dirty magazines under the mattress is okay, but what's the thrill? Of getting caught? Is that what Daniel wants? If he has that much to hide, if he's living some sort of secret and embarrassing and family-endangering double life, if he cannot let someone cruise through his personal sex-toy box without massive blushing and fainting and humiliation, could it be he's picked the wrong kind of life?

Any college student, such that Daniel is, working on a term paper as he was today, who puts his studies aside to listen to a woman old enough to be his mother whine that she needs a shoulder to cry on, when that woman is Amber Moore and she's recently tricked a, ahem, man into marriage and sent Daniel a photo of herself naked, something's wrong; someone's addicted; someone wants more than dirty pictures to get off on.

And when that thing, that woman, shows up to say the man she married isn't the person she thought he was, why did Daniel not burst out laughing? Why didn't he tell her that the person, the thing, she married wasn't a man so why is she so surprised? Why would a woman who bore two babies, albeit very dead babies now, need "advice" from a boy? Why, instead of explaining he's barely able to keep his own marriage together much less hers, would Daniel shift the subject to Amber's porn site? Why would she admit that photos on the site have been PhotoShop-ed so as to embellish her physical attributes unless she's like the pusher turning kids onto drugs? Why would Daniel ask whether her husband knows of the site unless he's secretly wishing to see photos of Cane Ashby in the nude too? What will Daniel want next? Photos of the dead babies shown engaged in sex?

Did your skin crawl at the mere thought?

Given that his wife can't turn a light on, Daniel's need for visual and overt stimulation to keep the sexual juices flowing is understandable. Having fantasies about real women, or men if that's his sexual object of choice, is natural and healthy. Discussing sex and looking at porn with a married woman not his wife, is not.

Pigs in Porn

March 6, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

Do you get it? Do you understand why Daniel Romalotti would help a slut he barely knows trick Ethan 'Cane' Ashby? Will anyone ever call Cane by his given name or ask why he was nicknamed Cane and if so wonder if it has something to do with sugarcane or being caned by those who raised him? Do you find it strange that Daniel will cancel a dinner reservation later this week, presumably with his lovely bride, in order to sit alone in a dark room somewhere checking out Amber Moore's porn site?

You know I've always suspected Daniel is queer. Not in a sexual preference sense, just queer; as in marrying outside his race. Not that it would have been a bad thing to wed Lily Winters had she not been a child, and still is mentally, and a dumb one at that. Queer, as in he had a fixation on youngster Noah Newman and wanted to show the boy how to be manly, but couldn't pull it off because he's not much different than girlie boys Raul Guittierez, Billy Abbott or J.T. Hellstrom who too pretend to be men.

That Daniel has in interest in porn tells me Lily's not so hot in bed. It's not like Daniel is reading Playboy. If Moore's porn is any good, he's watching other people have sex and how creepy is that? Is his thirst for sex outside his relatively new marriage a sickness? Is it designed to make us hurl and insult our intelligence and focus on our own beleaguered genitalia as we sit back and say, Oh my God this freak has got to be kidding. Does Daniel hope that we'll turn to our spouse or significant other or the dog and say, Hey honey, did you see those hotties going at it? Should we totally try it, just for kicks?

That this is happening at a time when the government is encouraging states to tell their single, young citizens that they should avoid sex entirely until they turn thirty would be appalling if not for the fact that in Genoa City adultery and various deviations from the sexual norm aren't seen as wrong. Acts of sleeping around on the eve of one's wedding are considered part of an addiction to sex. If caught, one need only say it happened once and didn't mean anything. It was just sex.

See your reaction? You are like: No way. You are like: It's wrong. You recall when a nation was horrified at the one-second flash of the human nipple on TV. You see the constant warnings of catching STDs and the marriage rate dropping off and please take this medication for your herpes. You may right now be wishing you were still single and/or under 30 just so you could participate in abstinence to prove the point.

This is what I wonder: I wonder if Daniel, that nice boy who wanted to be Noah's role model, that sweet kid who until he met Lily, never made it with one of the many babes he was thought to have in his bed during his Swiss Alps boarding school daze. I wonder if he's since realized what a sad little girl Lily is and because there are no other available, real women his age in Genoa City, must turn to an old whore, with her two dead kids and sagging breasts so as to surf her porn site for free.

I wonder if Daniel won't be asking himself how he wound up in this horrible city with these miserable people and what the hell happened to him and if perhaps this wouldn't be a good time to leave before his wife finds out and Lily starts blaming herself for not being as sexy as those pigs in porn.

I know, I know, it's silly. But this city, with its self-righteousness and family values and rampant crime make me wonder if anything good can come of Daniel's porn fetish. Will at some point he come to his senses and start pimping for God? Will he go around preaching the gospel of safe sex and uttering that part of the marriage covenant where it says 'til death do us part' as he hands out free condoms at the Jitter Joint?

Meanwhile, we're still stuck with the same old questions: Is porn and multiple marriages and forgotten children and adultery and lust what the people of Genoa City are all about? Will it ever change?

Tinkerbell Love on the Rocks?

January 17, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

With any luck the day is coming when Daniel Romalotti will go off to Never Never Land to join the likes of Billy Abbott and Raul Guittierez and at the same time will hopefully bring his farce of a marriage to Lily Winters to an end. When you think about it, nothing ever became of that marriage. The kids moved into the Abbott's out of nowhere near the college campus rental home with Lily's adopted brother, how sweet that arrangement must be, and that was that. The kids had their first squabble, worried about finances briefly, but when their rich parents came through with fancy jobs other kids couldn't get, they went off to school as though nothing had happened.

When his mother gave birth to a new baby, Daniel hardly noticed. Neither he nor his wife have hovered over Summer Newman and for all his promises to be like a big brother to Noah Newman, Daniel hasn't seen that boy, more than to say hello to, in months. What happened to all the sporting events Daniel was supposed to teach Noah? The baseball and football practice? The coaching duties? Who actually plays with Noah these days? Not Daniel. Not even Noah's father. Not that Daniel being away from Noah is not a good thing, they were once so close it was thought Daniel might be gay and was trying to lure Noah into that dreaded lifestyle. It could be too that if Daniel is a closet gay he's so butt ugly no proud to be gay dude will have him.

Daniel must have some strange sexual habits because it would seem, when it comes to heterosexual relations, Lily can't satisfy him. Despite that Lily lost her virginity to Kevin Fisher, it could be she's too inexperienced. What else would explain why already Daniel's eyes are roving? Why is he constantly bumping into albino newcomer Amber Moore and why does she keep thanking him for changing a flat tire on her car? Wouldn't once be enough unless Amber is hot for him? Wait until she finds out he's a switch hitter. She already knows he's a heath food freak.

Oh, it's true! Daniel said so today. Said eating tofu and soy products is what keep him in shape. The shape of what? A peanut? Amber didn't pick up the obvious clue that would have immediately sent the message to the straightest of straights in the locker-room. Daniel was making out a grocery list!

Any, um, man, a married man at that, would never be caught making out a grocery list. A to-do list, a list of things to get at the hardware or paint store, but not a grocery store. Getting groceries is woman's work. So what if his wife is holding down a part-time job at the Little Shop of Horrors where at last report she was being paid under the table? So what if Lily is going to college and might not have enough hours in the day? Too frigging bad! She's a woman! She can find time. Getting groceries is part of Lily's wifely duties. Most grocery stores stay open 'til eleven at night so she's got no excuse.

But Daniel has one. When he starts sucking around Amber, and you can see the writing all over the wall, when Lily catches the two of them doing whatever it is Daniel does in the sack, he can say Lily's never home and he has certain needs. He can say too, like J.T. Hellstrom, that it was just sex.

Speaking of sissy boys, I know hunkmonkey Hellstrom does it to piss real men off, but acting all pouty and fussy like a wet diapers fairy, and throwing things like a little girl having a temper tantrum, is not becoming a gay boy. Accusing blowup doll Colleen Carlton of cheating on him and when she admits it nearly bawling and saying, so what if he cheated on her it's not the same thing, is so pansy-like.

It's not so much that he cheated, it's that he did it with Carlton's step-mother! It doesn't get more slimy than that. But then, this is the sissy way. This is to be expected from a maggot who slept with his roommate's mother too! Nor does it matter that at the time Hellstrom slept with Victoria Carlton he and Colleen weren't hooked up. Mrs. Carlton is Colleen's mother for Christ sake. Who but a grease ball would do something like this?

What Hellstrom is saying again, in plain English, is that it's okay for men, not that he is one, to sleep around, but not when women do it. And again, as we've seen too often, and will again tomorrow, despite the fact that Colleen broke it off with the hunkmonkey, she'll be whining that with Hellstrom knowing she had sex with her teacher, she fears she's lost the creepy hunkmonkey for good.

Granted, any student who sleeps with her college professor is no better than a limp-wristed tinkerbell. But Jesus! Get over this slug! Those who have watched this twenty-something college dropout pedophile when he first start hitting on a minor are tired of it. We had a bellyful then, we reached the intoxication level when Hellstrom went off to be a rock star and Colleen whined for days on end, we nearly died when she came back from New York for more only to reverse the roles and do it again, and now she's at it again.

And again it's a good bet Hellstrom will puff out his hairless chest and threaten for a second time to beat the professor up and for all his prancing around like a sugarplum fairy won't follow through for fear of breaking a nail. It won't happen, but wouldn't it be nice to see the professor give this sissy a good spanking? Pull his britches down, Professor. Smack those lily white buns until they glow in the dark. Then again, better not. Hellstrom would probably enjoy it.

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