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2007 News Archives - Jana Hawkes
See Also: Kevin Fisher  Phyllis Newman  Colleen Carlton  Charlie's Angels  Crime

Criminals Can't Go Free?

by Brent Kellogg
November 7, 2007

Wanting to expand yesterday on dirty cop Maggie Sullivan actually following the law by informing Senator Jack Abbott that he can't be going around collecting evidence against Victor Newman illegally, and thus trying to pin the murder of Mr. Chee on the great man, Victor's telling Brad Carlton that he's a "self-serving son of a bitch" was so compelling, so real, I got distracted.

We need more of this; more of Maggie, and those the senator tries to coerce with his demands that relief checks for the rich people of Clear Springs should be released, telling Jack where to get off. As if any senator, much less a freshman state senator, can influence FEMA which I presume he was trying to do given that FEMA hands out token checks after disasters. Not that FEMA ever showed up at the disaster site, the checks couldn't have been those insurance companies are issuing because Allstate and State Farm would have laughed in the senator's face.

And Jack telling ADA Heather Stevens and Maggie that maybe they should have got a warrant before taking hair samples from Fisher the dog, made my aching jaw drop. Did Jack forget that he gave them permission to come into his home? Did he not say he wanted to cooperate fully with them to prove his innocence? Okay, so Maggie didn't inform Jack that she took the sample; she didn't have to! Once Jack let them in he waived his rights.

"Oh, and what's this Senator? Cocaine? Just your personal stash? Come along with us; you're under arrest," Maggie did not say that night, but she should have slapped him yesterday with a charge of interfering with an ongoing investigation. For that matter, it's too bad Victor couldn't have charged the senator with trespassing. See? That's what happens when you let your nemesis work in the same building as you do. Why Victor hasn't thrown Jack out of Newman Enterprises before now boggles the mind.

Given how many lunatics working there can so easily gain access to install video cameras and the like, you'd think Victor would have a guard outside his office, or keep the frigging door locked. Not the best idea, he could give keycards to those he trusts, but then it's always those he trusts who stab him in the back.

Just like Jana Hawkes was stabbed in the back by the Justice System. Granted, Jana's as crazy as her lover boy Kevin Fisher, but she got screwed badly and not just by Kevin. Heather stuck it to Jana good when she announced today that the only way Jana's gonna get out of prison is if she gets a "good lawyer" and even then there's no assurance Jana will get out.

"We just can't let criminals go free," Heather told Kevin today when he asked under what circumstance Jana might get out. Perturbed that the warden didn't let Jana out to be his date at the Indigo shindig, Kevin didn't remind Heather that Jana was never tried and convicted. Obviously less troublesome than inmate Phyllis Newman, Jana wasn't offered a special work release program either. Jana rots, unjustly.

Jana supposedly has a public defender, but unlike Michael Baldwin, the PD has not once visited her at the prison and there haven't been any phones calls that anyone is aware. According to Jana and Kevin, there is a FREE JANA website where people can sign a petition calling for her release, but fair or kangaroo there's yet to be a trial perhaps because few people know who Jana is. And if they knew what she did, crazy or not, it's unlikely more than ten people would sign the petition.

You see? It's funny. It's hilarious that today Heather would overhear Paul Williams confessing that he kidnapped Sheila Carter, so what's she gonna do about it? Persecute her own father? Oh wait! She doesn't know he's her pa. So you can bet that should Heather find the courage to actually see justice served, all Paul has to do is tell her the truth and Heather will back off. She should at that point rescue herself, but conflict of interest was never a problem for her predecessor Christine 'Bug" Blair, and knowing how justice doesn't work in this city, if it's too late to turn back, Heather will probably find a way to get daddy off. Then they can say what a "family" they are and when the dust settles a year or so later, Jana will still be rotting in prison. After all, we can't just let criminals go free.

Free Jana Hawkes, or Rot in Hell!

October 11, 2007
by Brent Kellogg 

Oh my God, will it ever stop? Someone make it stop! Stop the revolving door at the Jackson State Prison from spinning. It's making me dizzy with so many visitors from Genoa City just popping in whenever they feel like it. There's no calling ahead to make sure their loved one can have visitors, there's no set visiting times at all. Got an urge? Three in the morning? No problem; the prison is open and inmates are waiting to be seen. Christ, it's like the neighborhood 7-11; there's always one open. It's not like visitors have to make a long drive either. Jackson Prison is just down the street and around the corner. Got very little to say that can't be said on the phone? Be like Kevin Fisher. Make a run for the prison. Blow in as an after thought to advising your criminally insane mother that she won't get caught for killing Emma Gibson. Tell your mentally unbalanced girlfriend Jana Hawkes that you've been researching her medical malady and that you can gather together a team of doctors who will testify at her trial, which has yet to be had and is not scheduled, that she's really a nice girl and it was the tumor in her head that made her kill Carmen Mesta and attempt to kill other people, including yourself.

Tell your girlfriend too that there's a FREE JANA site on the Internet and that those who believe in her, while they've never met her and know nothing of her except that she's a frigging killer, are signing an on-line petition calling for her release. Do not worry if darling Jana asks if you're F'N crazy too, she's so loopy she reading books titled Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. Jesus, this is crazier than when a flying higher than a monkey on Meth Kevin said that as soon as Jana was released from the God Have Mercy Medical Center he planned on buying two "hogs" for which they would use to travel cross-country. Remember when Jana saw that crazy notion as a dream in which she saw herself and Kevin as a kind of Thelma to Kevin's Louise and Kevin's quip, "We'll get on our hogs and out of Dodge"?

Before that, these freaks were describing themselves as the new "Starsky and Hutch." Sure, it could have been a Freudian slip, it could be Kevin doesn't know that both Starsky and Hutch were men, but I think he wants a man so bad, and is so in the closet about it, he's willing to take a psycho chick like Jana. I mean, what can explain why any man, not that Kevin is one, would do the things Kevin as been doing when it comes to this loon Jana? What real man would say he wants a woman "tumor and all" knowing that if the woman should flip out again he could very well end up dead?

What about the "family" Jana speaks of? Is it real, or a figment of her imagination? If the man killed during the reliquary adventure was her father, as she said, why has she never spoken of him since, or asked Kevin to take her to visit his grave? If she has other family, why don't members know of her situation; that's she's in prison without having been found guilty of a crime? Why haven't members of Mesta's family been demanding Jana be brought to trial? And of all the freakish things, why would David Chow only today be planning a trip to the prison for the purpose of asking Jana after all this time what Carmen ever did to her? What does it matter to Chow after all this time?

And if we're to believe Jana has a public defender representing her, why hasn't the PD ever once met with her? Why has there been no competency hearing or motion to dismiss the charges given all the talk that the tumor made Jana do what she did? Do they need a million signatures on an Internet petition first? It's nice to see Jana behind bars, but if she's going to keep sniveling about being locked up forever without demanding her rights or a visit with her lawyer, let her rot in Hell like everyone else.

Prison Rules Relaxed for Detained Inmate

September 28, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

When Senator Abbott called Jackson Penitentiary today, presumably to speak with inmate Phyllis Newman, I said to no one in particular, "Man, if I was running that pen inmate Newman would have had her phone privileges cut long ago." She gets so many calls and so many visitors she's a friggin' drain on human resources.

"Jackson Pen, how may I direct your call? Inmate Newman? Sorry, sir, her lines are all busy. Would you like to leave a message? Inmate number 45902? Hold please. You mean Jana Hawkes? Her lines are busy too."

Most likely though, the senator wasn't calling to speak with Newman because, well, Jackson Pen is in Michigan and we all know wherever she is, Newman is closer than that. I like to say she's at the Walrus State Prison for Women, but even that is miles south of Genoa City. The way people beam back and forth to see her, I'm thinking the prison is right around the corner somewhere, close by the Jitter Joint, or Athletic Supporter Club which could explain how one minute today, Kevin Fisher was having dinner with his mother, and the next he was at the prison visiting his crazy girlfriend who, we learned today, has become a "model prisoner" and she's only been there two days max!

Moreover, because she hasn't had a trial before a jury of her peers, because she hasn't been convicted of a crime, Jana Hawkes has more privileges than other inmates. It's true! Hawkes told Newman today that she can call anyone she wants, when she wants. Plus, we already know she may be the only inmate to have voicemail services. She can order books from Amazon and have them shipped overnight air as she's already done with the arrival of a book on her favorite subject titled, "The Mindset of a Killer."

During his visit, Fisher told Hawkes to look at her unjust incarceration as a "temporary pit stop", and reassured her that when she does get a trial, the jury will set her free the moment it learns that the remains of a tumor is eating away at her brain. Usually skittish and feeling sorry for herself, Hawkes was unusually upbeat today. "Our love is strong enough to survive anything," she told Fisher who, moments later, was back in Genoa City confronting his equally crazed female impersonator pal, Daniel Romalotti.

"Jana is cool," Fisher said, a delusional counter to Romalotti's assertion that his mother is living with the "killer" Hawkes and it's all Fisher's fault. His big ears glowing red, 10-year-old Noah Newman, enjoying a two-day school suspension by hanging with his real daddy and step-brother, nearly had a seizure. What's this about step-mommy living with a killer? What the hell was mommy Phyllis in, a prison? Rushing as usual to protect the boy from reality, Romalotti told the kid that the word 'killer' means killer, as in "awesome."

Not to be fooled, and having told his daddy moments earlier, "nothing gets by me," Noah demanded to be taken to the prison to see for himself that mommy Phyllis is okay. Saying the boy couldn't go because he was due at a computer workshop, not to be confused with the one inmate Newman claims to run at the prison, Nick Newman said he and Romalotti would leave chop-chop for the prison and swore they'd give Noah a full report upon their return.

And so it was that moments later, Romalotti and Newman were visiting their own personal jail bird much to the warden's consternation who said he's getting sick and tired of having to kowtow to inmate's low friends in high places. Responding to complaints that inmate Newman doesn't like new cellmate Hawkes, Warden McQueen gave Mr. Newman his ear long enough for it to be blown into with promises that if the two cellmates are split up, inmate Newman will become the prison's "poster woman"; an example for others to follow and learn from that if they shove their noses deep enough up the warden's ass they too can become brownnosers.

Hawkes Sent to Prison Without Trial; Court Hearing

September 25, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

She's as creepy a killer as they come and should have been sent to prison long ago, but you can't help feeling sorry for Jana Hawkes especially now that she's been sent to the same prison as Phyllis Newman and in less time then it took Newman to get there what with all Newman's legal maneuvering and delays. Oh, and did we mention, without a trial?

Welcome back to the world of the haves and the have nots; the rich and the poor. Rich woman makes bail, gets to threaten fleeing the jurisdiction with her child, nearly misses one of her many court appearances, uses her baby as a pawn to avoid turning herself in and drags her incarceration out to the last possible moment.

Poor woman doesn't get bail, doesn't so much as get her day in court, is thrown into a hospital psycho ward without a court order, and today, again without going before a judge, is hauled to a state prison.

You may have agreed with Kevin Fisher who, having raced to the nearby prison following his girlfriend's summons, asked how it can be that a woman is sent to prison without a trial. Silly and crazy as Fisher is, he should have known; it be. Especially in Genoa City where gangsters get away with their crimes and innocent people who have done nothing more than commit emotional blackmail get six years in the slammer.

Not to say that Newman and Hawkes don't belong in prison, they do. But shouldn't there be at least the hint of jurisprudence, or whatever they're calling justice these days? Shouldn't Hawkes' public defender have crawled out of his hole to demand habeas corpus, or something? Oh, that's right. Habeas corpus is a thing of the past.

Still, for the injustice, Hawkes' made out like a bandit. She didn't have a husband pretending to be co-counsel trying to sneak into the prison to swap spit. All she had to do was pick up the phone, call Fisher, and he was at the prison threatening to get his girl out even if he has to break her out. A noble gesture, surely Fisher has learned by now there is no escaping the long arm of the law. There is no running into the hills of Afghanistan never to be found by the world's most modern Army. Breaking Hawkes out won't be as easy as busting out of the God Have Mercy Medical Center with a gun provided by his attorney brother.

Though Hawkes said again today she "deserves" to "suffer" for what she's done to Fisher, and has apparently forgotten that she killed Carmen Mesta, there's no harm in trying a breakout. What's the worse that could happen once they're caught? Fisher can say what's left of what's eating his girl's brain made him do it, his brother can hatch a deal with the Feds, and in the process they'll both be set free when someone realizes Hawkes' right to a speedy trial was violated.

Survival of the Craziest

August 29, 2007
by Brent Kellogg 

The scene: God Have Mercy Medical Center
The situation: Surgeon operating on crazy patient Jana Hawkes

Stepping out to take a smoke break, the doctor speaks with reporters.

"For a patient who was bleeding out when I left her last time to talk with you people, she's doing <cough> quite well. Say, Dr. Winters? Is that you? Oh, sorry, you looked like someone I know. As I was saying, the patient ... that screaming? Nothing to worry about gentlemen, Ms. Hawkes is feeling a little pain but it'll pass. As I said yesterday, general anesthetic wasn't necessary and she didn't so much as peep when I ripped her skull off. Ah, sorry, folks, I gotta get back in there.

<Sound of door swishing closed>

You crazy bitch! I was holding a press conference. You trying to make me look like a quack? What's your F-ing problem? Your head hurts? You're having brain surgery! Now calm your ass down so I can close your head up. Kevin, pass me that #6 scalpel. I missed, there it is, got it! Now I'll just put the skull back on, there! That's a wrap. Thanks for coming every one! Christ, you are as much a freak as she is, Kevin. What's with all the questions? I just closed her head. It'll take a while to say for sure how it went. Here's a clue: If she tries to kill you again, you'll know the operation didn't take. Now where's my goddamn money? Oh no! That money went to the hospital. My charges are in addition to that. Don't say you didn't know. I want my frigging money. I don't care how, get it!"

The scene: GHM Swill Shop
The situation: Attorney Michael Baldwin trolling for clients

"Well, if I live and breathe if it ain't Amber Ashby. Thanks for the coffee. Damn! This stuff is worse than my brother serves at the Jitter Joint. So what's shaking? The D.A. offered you a deal if you'll testify again my clients? Do I have to remind you? You're my client! Don't be talking to Heather Stevens - understand? If she talks to you again, let me know. Yeah, yeah, so you ain't paying my fee. Stick with me kid and I'll get you off. Excuse me, I think I'll pay that bitch a visit. Bet she's at the courthouse."

The scene: GC District Court

"I thought I'd find you here. Have you forgotten there's a code of professional responsibility? Listen lady, I don't care what you've heard. I'm squeaky clean. Stay away from my client. Don't give me no lip about conflict of interest. So what if Kevin's my brother? You haven't been in this town very long, have you? Another lawyer for Kevin? And who might that be? You know I'm the only lawyer in Genoa City."

The scene: GHM recovery room

"Hey baby girl; can you see me? It's Kevin? Yes! You can talk. That quack didn't cut your vocal cords after all. Here, let me kiss you. Um, love the smell of antiseptic. Give me your hand. You haven't peed since the surgery, have you? Do you remember the operation? Yes, they got that thing growing in your head. I hope the quack saved it. That's your ace in the hole, kiddo. If they take you to trial my brother will say it made you do those awful things. Don't sweat it, babe. My brother never loses, oh, hi mom. Hey doc? Didn't you say it would be awhile before you'd have an update? You don't know if the thing caused Jana to kill Carmen Mesta? Then what are you doing here? But mom, you just got here. Leaving already? Don't get too close to her; I'll be in the hall.

The scene: Gloria Fisher Abbott Bardwell at her finest

"Listen to me you evil bitch. Nobody will ever know if the tumor caused your behavior. You may have survived the surgery, Jana. But if you ever go after my son again you won't survive me."

I Could Die!
August 28, 2007
by Brent Kellogg 

In what will likely set the medical profession back fifty years, a dialing-for-patients God Have Mercy Medical Center doctor claiming to be a surgeon has authorized what a may be a first: Visitors in the operating room at the time surgery is performed!

"It wasn't an easy decision to make, but I saw it done on Nip/Tuck once and figured, hey, why not?" the doctor who spoke on the condition of animosity told the Genoa City News. "You don't know how cut-throat the quacks around here are. If they find out I let the visitor come and go as he pleased as I was cutting that crazy bitch open, next thing you know they'll all be doing it. Now, if you'll excuse me, the nurse says the patient is bleeding out so I've got to get back. Oh, okay, two more questions.

No, the patient is feeling no pain. I gave her a local anesthetic. No, that's not true; a general anesthetic is not needed. I ripped her skull open and she didn't feel a thing.

The smell? That's sulfur. Oh, you mean, that. I noticed it too. Bad case of flatulence. My profession opinion is that there's a parasite growing in her rectum. Have her call me. Okay! Hold your horses nurse. I'm coming. Hey! You folks taking the tour? Wanna watch me operate?"

Prior to the Jana Hawkes operation, Gloria Bardwell dropped by the GHM to inform the patient/inmate that the only reason she agreed to pay the medical bill was because she loves her son, Kevin Fisher. Whining that she didn't want no stinking surgery because she could die on the table, Hawkes reluctantly changed her mind when she figured out that the thing growing in her head could kill her.

Also on hand, Hawkes and Fisher victim Colleen Carlton paid her respects only to be interrupted by her father who was interrupted by a call from his youngest daughter Abby who said she needed to speak with Colleen. Suspected of suffering from a rapidly growing parasite in her rectum, Colleen's snippy reply, "Tell her to email me", was followed by excessive flatulence.

Dorks of Doom

July 25, 2007
by Brent Kellogg 

You got all that, right? Amber Ashby can lift the key to a man's motel room and the man can't tell when he's had his pocket picked. The motel just happens to be the same where Dru Winters trashed Carmen Mesta's wardrobe and still, the motel, a part of the prestigious all-everything restaurant/bar and by membership only gym hasn't installed video cameras or has a security guard watching the monitors for suspicious activity.

The victim, a stranger in town without regular gym clothes, is allowed to use the gym too. Wearing street clothes, the man named Carson is thanking his lucky stars the people in Genoa City are so friendly, willing to listen to his Iraq war stories and never asking why, like real American soldiers, Carson hasn't been called back for a fourth and fifth tour of duty. Carson is fortunate too that he picked the one place to hangout where the woman he once knew from Carla's & Carol's Playhouse also whiles away her hours as does her new husband, the never too busy to workout construction executive, Cane Ashby.

Now workout buds, Carson tells Cane he once shared a foxhole with the now dead 'Plum' who carried with him a photo of Amber so hot all the boys wanted to drop their socks and grab their, um, game hens. And because he's such a hunk, such a strange person not a single soul he's met has yet to ask what he does for work, or how he affords expensive motels and meals, a club waitress gladly gives him her phone number perhaps in a sudden urge to obtain a sexually transmitted disease.

Nearby, Kevin Fisher, who still hasn't reported to one of his many jobs since being released from the hospital, nods in approval. "Wow, wish I was such a stud," he does not say, as upstairs, Amber and the creepy Daniel Romalotti search Carson's room to find a dossier on them along with a box of bullets.

Meanwhile, Carson gripes that his friend didn't deserve to die by having his neck snapped, and yet he's failed to check with police or the medical examiner to determine whether the case is being investigated as a crime. Carson hasn't told, and the morgue where Plum's body was taken, not to be confused with the City Morgue, hasn't asked the only person able to ID the body for details such as next of kin.

Odd, for someone seemingly out for vigilante justice, it wasn't nearly as bad as what happened today at the God Have Mercy Medical Center. Not only is the hospital considering hiring mountain mama Dr. Logan, whom Brad Carlton said today it probably should because she was able to save Nick Newman with very few Band-Aids on hand, with only the last four digits of Carson's credit card number, the city's top nut job, Kevin, with the full blessing of his lawyer brother and equally as criminal clueless PI Paul Williams, was able to find out by going on the Internet that Carlson has a rap sheet.

At this point it wasn't clear as to which event was sillier. Kevin getting criminal files over the net or Cane observing a liquor store surveillance video using the same method. You might try it some time. Call 7-11 and ask that it beam a video of store activity from Feb 22 to you. They'll laugh. At best, 7-11 retains video for two weeks.

Additionally, pretending to be a doctor, Kevin questioned Jana Hawkes' neighbors and found out that in addition to going by the name "Elizabeth Borden", as in Lizzie Borden who is said to have given her father and step-mother a few whacks in the head with a hatchet, she has been known to have a few screws loose. Compounding the situation to such degree that you may find yourself saying, "I can't take much more of this unbelievable bullshit," the GHM also allowed the brother of Hawke's victim and Williams to question Hawkes without her public defender present!

Talk about fair trials, there's no way Hawkes can get one now. The Dorks of Doom have made sure of that.

The Tumor That Ate Genoa City

July 23, 2007
by Brent Kellogg 

Where do I begin to tell the story of how great a love can be? The sweet love story that is older than the sea? The simple truth about the love Kevin Fisher brings to Jana Hawkes? Where do I start?

How 'bout the God Have Mercy Medical Center's psycho ward? The place where today Kevin was allowed to visit with the person who tried to kill him - and had he the balls he would have killed her - the place where Jana is allowed to use the phone to call members of the victim's family, have sharp objects like pens and pencils with which to write in her diary, or poke her keepers eyes out, or those of other patients she's allowed to mingle with, and best of all, wear street clothes.

The dialog was especially noteworthy.

"Oh, Kevin, my Kevin, please don't be mad. I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I thought the fire would only scare you and that bitch, Colleen. I thought when I agreed to meet you at the warehouse you wanted me? I thought we'd have hot, sticky sex right there on the dusty floor and twelve months later I'd have your baby. What went wrong, Kevin? Why are you mad?" Jana did not exactly say, but it was damn close.

It was damn crazy of Kevin to say he wasn't mad; he's the star witness at Jana's upcoming trial! So what if the D.A. hasn't questioned him or told him he can't intimidate the suspect because its considered improper and could get the D.A.'s case kicked on technicality? So what if the public defender hasn't interviewed Kevin either? He's the star witness!

Kevin also wishes the State of Wisconsin would reinstate the death penalty. Never mind that before Wisconsin did away with the penalty in 1976 only one person had been given the chair, Kevin's hoping Jana could become #2. Given how things in Genoa City work, if Kevin can get his lawyer brother to pull some strings, Senator Jack Abbott could probably get the law changed just in time for Jana to die. That is, if she doesn't die first from the tumor eating away at what's left of her brain.

"Oops, excuse me. Don't mean to interrupt your thrilling conversation, but the patient needs her meds," a nice hospital worker injected. Whoosh. "There you go, honey. Feel the Haldol kicking in? Good. I'll let you two... say, aren't you Kevin Fisher? How's your pancreas? All better? Gotta run. Don't worry if Jana here has a fit. It's the tumor don't you know."

And sure enough, Jana started to seize and Kevin swore she was faking it although no one knows how one fakes having a tumor. Only one thing to do then - look it up on the Internet!

"Kevin, my Kevin, aren't you becoming obsessed with that girl?" members of his family later asked repeatedly as if they didn't know this boy is, has, and always will be a sick bastard. "So what'cha gonna do when you find out, Kevin? Slip into the hospital and spike her IV? Have her moved to Ohio where there's a hospital specializing in brain tumors? You are freaking crazy."

Despite the Michael Baldwin wants to help the D.A. bring Jana to justice, and Heather Stevens did not tell him he can't do that because it would present a conflict of interest, he's so worried about Kevin and has his step-father's funeral coming up, Baldwin had time to handle client Daniel Romalotti's pending solicitation case. He merely picked up the phone, called the D.A, threatened to sue for wrongful arrest, and Daniel was sprung! All charges dropped.

"Oh, Captain, my captain," Daniel did not say, but did say that he "owes" Baldwin for taking his case at the very last second without offering to pay for Baldwin's services presumably because everyone knows that like Paul Williams, Baldwin works for free.

Running to tell his bride, Daniel oozed with verbal puss. Ain't that just the great goddamn news you ever did hear? We didn't have to go another dime in debt. How lucky can we be to have a lawyer at our beck and call. Now maybe I can go back to work, or school, or to the porn shop. C'mon Lily, stop being such a cold prude. Try it, you might like it.

Victim's Brother Asked to Represent Killer

July 20, 2007
by Brent Kellogg 

So much for security at the God Have Mercy Medical Center, when is someone going to sue this place or have it shut down? The quacks here have a history of killing patients, just this week a quack discharged an elderly patient diagnosed with pneumonia, the patient later died, and yet the GHM is still open?

I mention this because, while it's hard to tell from her lavish surroundings, murder suspect Jana Hawkes is being held at the easy to escape from GHM and not only does she have free access to a phone with which to call members of the family she terrorized, she can have visits from her victims as well!

You will understand therefore why I broke down laughing. In the more than twenty years of covering Genoa City I've heard some crazy things, but this is too much. Ah, but it gets better. Seems that before Jana got herself a public defender she asked Michael Baldwin to defend her! With what money she planned paying Baldwin with, God only knows. Surely she knew that if her victim's brother had agreed to represent her, and it's amazing Baldwin didn't, she had to have known it wouldn't be pro bono.

Always looking to protect his criminal ass, Baldwin warned Jana not to drag his brother into anything. Like what? Her defense? Jana's supposed to keep her mouth shut and not implicate Fisher because he was doing what the cops were too lazy to do? That Fisher had a weapon and a bag of money are not germane to the case? The cops might not suspect that Fisher helped her plan and pull off the Nazi reliquary caper? There's no possible connection between the two cases?

Typical of how these crazy bastards think, when Fisher read that Jana has a public defender he said she doesn't deserve one. What is it with these freaks? How do they read of such things? Is the Press hounding Jana too? We know Genoa City is becoming like a little Nazi Germany, but Jesus with a tattered copy of the Constitution, it's still part of America, isn't it?

And what a stupid question for Fisher to have asked: What would Baldwin do if Jana had contacted him? Why, you dumb ass, he wouldn't have told her anything, except that he told her not to drag little brother into anything and would have met with her too so long as Jana promised to tell him what she was up to.

And I swear I'll never understand how it is in the city that people can just meet with the District Attorney whenever they wish. That's what Fisher did today, He told Heather Stevens he fears Jana will escape and that she'll haunt him for the rest of his life. So what's the problem? All Kevin would have to do is track her down again and this time shoot the bitch. For a moment there I thought Heather would tell him not to worry; that she'd have Jana watched around the clock, but Christ almighty there's no one guarding her at all. Kevin was able to waltz into the place and tell Jana that the next time she sees him it'll be at her trial.

Say what? Wasn't Kevin worried she'd escape and haunt him? How can there be a trial without a defendant? In absentia? If anyone is absent, it's Kevin. Turns out too that Heather is apparently as Maggie Sullivan said - a smart girl. She told Kevin to get his head examined. She should have told him too that next time take his silly ass over the Police Department - whose job it is to guard those under arrest - and tell them, not her.

Nearly as lame as when Cane Ashby, today disputing a hotel charge on his credit card statement, called the hotel demanding to have the hotel surveillance video sent to him, was Baldwin's sudden concern that Kevin wasn't at his job. No, not the coffee shop Kevin owns and operates and hasn't been at much recently because he's been much too busy dumping bodies, burying money, having accidents and spending time in the hospital with a bad pancreas and then holding Jana hostage, his job at Jabot!

Kevin said, oh forget about that job, he doesn't care about it. He's more concerned about Jana and what could possibly happen next.

Seriously, you can't make this stuff up!

It's almost a lame as when Cane Ashby, seeing a charge on his credit card statement today from some hotel, called the hotel to dispute the charge and then asked that hotel lobby surveillance video be made available to him as if it would prove who used his card. Not that the hotel did, or that it mattered, after confronting his wife, after she confessed her lies and asked that Cane forgive her, he did!

But still you must be asking yourself, what if you'd done that? What if on your K-Mart card you saw a charge you knew you did not make. Wouldn't you call K-Mart and demand to see the surveillance video? If you would you're crazier then the loons in Genoa City.

Won't You Come Home Jana Hawkes?

June 27, 2007
by Brent Kellogg 

Memo to Jana Hawkes:

Jana, honey, since you want so bad to spend the next twenty years or so behind bars and if you're lucky the State of Wisconsin will give you a front row seat in the electric chair, do us a favor. Turn your ass into the nearest police station and spare us the romantic interludes. You've shown you are no smarter than other women in Genoa City because if you were smart, you would have stayed wherever the hell you are and kept your mouth shut. You could have gotten away with the perfect crime. Believe me, Kevin Fisher is no prize. He is not a reason to suddenly keep writing and calling and saying how much you miss him. What's to miss? Didn't you want him dead? Didn't you hope he'd roast to death in that fire you set? Do you, Jana, seriously think someone you tried to kill would forgive you? Granted, the socialites in this town are known for their moral generosity, they are quick to befriend those who have tried to kill them so long as they can be convinced their assailants have "changed", but Jana, get a freaking grip!

How could you be so stupid as to contact victim #2 Colleen Carlton? Sure, as evidenced by her asking yesterday if you mean Kevin harm, and seemed to believe when you said no, Colleen isn't much smarter than a bag of nails. But are you sure you want her help? You think she'd meet with you, or something, when just the thought of you gives Colleen fits? It's true! Colleen said she gets nightmares and panic attacks. Of course, we've never seen her having nightmares or panicking, it's hard to distinguish when her everyday persona is one of nightmarish panic.

And why, Jana, when Colleen said it'll be a cold day in Hell when she helps someone who tried to fry her ass, did you give her your phone number? Do you have a death wish? Or do you know Colleen forgave Kevin for trying to kill her? Do you know too that Colleen ran straight to tell Kevin that you'd called? Crazy bitch that she is, Colleen asked Kevin if he's crazy for trying to capture you all by his lonesome which is when Kevin confessed he can't do it alone. He needs the help of a fitful girl because he's responsible for Colleen being kidnapped by you.

Did you get all that, Jana? No? You were too busy calling Kevin again to say for the umpteenth time that you miss him? Let me ask a personal question, Jana. Are you working with Sheila Carter? Did Sheila train you or something? Don't you understand what it means when Kevin says he can't stand your guts, but keeps urging you to come home? Sheila was like that. She kept thinking Dr. Scott Gruesome was in love with her even after he'd said what a crazy bitch she was.

It's easy to understand why you're confused, Jana. Although Colleen moaned and groaned about what you did to her, when she told Kevin she has nightmares, blah, blah, less than an hour later she was telling college professor lover boy Gerbils it's okay if she helps Kevin put you behind bars. You see? Justice must be served.

Cue Professor Gerbil. There he goes to tell Kevin that if he wants to catch you, he'll have to do it alone. As if to say a college professor would not actually say such matters should be left to the police, Gerbil's remark was seen more as giving Kevin the middle finger. You want to play vigilante? You want to get killed and force Jabot to find a new webmaster, knock yourself out, but leave Colleen out of it.

As for Colleen doing anything intelligent, forget about it. As we know, she's dumb. Kevin says she's got a mind of her own and warped as it is, she's going to help Kevin! She's depending too on the help of clueless private eye Paul Williams who keeps saying that trying to catch Jana would cost more money than it's worth. And yet Williams is doing what little he can to help. Colleen says Williams will be looking into Jana's phone calls and apparently believes the calls can be traced despite the fact that the police can't even track Jana's IP address.

How do you do it, Jana? How is it that you can fake an IP address? The government would pay big bucks for your secret. If you can trip the Internet anonymously, imagine how many terrorists are doing the same thing?

The thing is Jana, Kevin, and now Colleen, don't need help when they've got you calling every hour on the hour as you did again on Monday and this time Colleen convinced you there's still a chance Kevin will take you back. So please, spare us. We had a bellyful during the last Sheila takedown, the Frito Banditos, the Cameron Kirstens, the Tom Fishers and Chet Delancys in the Mexican desert. We've had enough vigilante justice. So please Jana, since you have a death wish, won't you come home?

Artful Dodgers Play Hardball
See also: Kevin Fisher

February 20, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

Naturally, now that we know Jana Hawkes is a killer, now that she's locked Kevin Fisher and Colleen Carlton inside a walk-in freezer, I've got a few questions.

Before finding the place she and her father decided would be a great place to hold their hostages, did they have a prerequisite that it have a walk-in freezer? Did Hawkes think having Fisher and Carlton die in a freezer would be poetic justice in that Fisher once locked Carlton in one and set the building it contained on fire? Is the warehouse, or apartment, or whatever the hell it is, part of a chain? Do those who own such buildings advertise?

FOR RENT - abandoned warehouse in run down business district within driving distance of schools and horror shops. Party furnished. $1000 per month. No lease required. First and last month deposit required. All major credit cards accepted. Ask about out abandoned farm houses too. Phone: Chester the Molester Realty. Phone: 555-RENT.

Is that how Sheila Carter found the warehouse where she held her captives? Is it, and the one Hawkes has, one in the same? Is it the burned down RoadKill Cafe? Was the cafe left in ruins? Was that walk-in freezer left standing for kids to play in? How coincidental that Fisher and Carlton find themselves transported back in time and will J.T. Hellstrom come to their rescue? Won't it be ironic if he does?

You know they will, when Fisher and the blowup doll escape their dilemma, will they forgive Hawkes? Will she, like Lauren Baldwin, thank them for not turning her into the police? Will she say she's a "changed" woman and the whole freaking town fall for it so long as she sees a shrink a few times?

Will Wilma Bardwell arrive at the scene and allow it to be contaminated? Will he dismiss this crime like he dismissed a pool of blood at the lake?

And again it must be asked, how does anyone drain their own blood? Have you ever done it? Have you sat alone on the sofa while watching a poorly written soap opera on TV with a plastic tube shoved into your artery? As the blood was pumping into an empty mayonnaise jar, did it go drip, drip? Did you feel slightly faint afterwards? Not from watching the soap, from the loss of blood?

What made you take the blood to a nondescript lake? What made you think it would be found? Did you do your homework? Did you know Izzy Brana pulled off a stunt like that? Did you know she squatted for days in a marsh where she drained blood from her veins? Do you know Izzy got caught? When your plan to kill Fisher and Carlton fails, will you show up at Carlton's home with a shiny knife and threaten to kill her while she soaks in a bubble bath?

I'm also wondering how Hawkes and her father thought they'd ever get away with this crime. Sure, Hawkes said the death of Fisher and Carlton would look like an accident, it's the other crime; the killing of Mesta. So what if Mesta saw her with Victoria Carlton's art portfolio? Didn't Hawkes say she found it in the trash - or something? Why would Mesta have any reason to be suspicious since she wasn't aware of the reliquary or its importance?

Speaking of which, why are the Newmans and the Carltons so hot to find it that they've gone to such great expense? Do they hope to cash in on the billions too? Or are they merely trying to redeem themselves by appearing to be good Samaritans, returning the code to its rightful owner who, by the way, probably knew the code all along and just wishes someone would turn the reliquary in. Given the amount of time the reliquary has been out of circulation, if Rebecca Kaplan is to be believed, whomever it belongs to could very well be dead. Then what? Will the reliquary become part of the heretofore never heard of Newman Art Collection?

Has anyone seen this collection? Does it contain self-portraits of Van Gough before he cut his ear off? Have art fanatics been flocking to Genoa City to see Whistler's Father or the Moans a Lisa, rare works of art only the Newman's have?

Are we to think Hawkes and Pa were just sitting around waiting for someone to crack the reliquary code? Did she hang back while Pa followed Brad Carlton, et al, to Ohio?

Presuming Hawkes and Pa elude the Keystone Kops and the make-believe private eyes, presuming they get their hands on the code, to whom will they sell it for billions? Where will they spend the money? How could anyone think they'd get away with it? Are they crazy? Is that always the answer? The crazies in Genoa City do crazy things every day, but only the craziest of crazies get caught?

The Day the Brain Died

February 19, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

Was I seeing things? Wasn't Kevin Fisher getting out of his car when Jana Hawkes, thought missing, appeared to him like a bad Dru Winters dream? Did Fisher not see something was amiss? Instead of listening to Hawkes babble that she thought she'd never see him again, shouldn't Fisher have asked where in the hell she'd been? Should he have mentioned the pool of blood by the lake and her coat and how he broke down bawling and damn, he better take down those flyers offering a mere $10,000 for Hawkes' safe return?

Acknowledging that she was in "a lot of trouble", Hawkes asked Fisher not to call the police. Not that anyone ever calls the police until the very last moment, Fisher agreed as Hawkes' jumped in his roadster and they sped off to find Colleen Carlton. Yes, Miss Carlton, herself a kidnap victim, wasn't being guarded at the time they arrived. No evil man was waving a toy taser in the air zapping his victims at random.

Carlton, with no time to explain what had happened to her, was eager to flee when Hawkes pulled out the taser. Fisher and Carlton were shocked. Not literally, but figuratively at first. They didn't have to ask what Hawkes' was doing either because she couldn't wait to tell them.

It was she and her Pa who had masterminded the break-in of the Carlton home and bugged it and swiped Victoria Carlton crown jewels. It was Hawkes' who had slowly drained blood from her veins and then dumped a bucket full of it by a lake knowing that someone would happen upon it and eventually learn it was hers.

And for what would someone go to such extremes? Why, of course, the reliquary! The valuable reliquary code is worth millions.

So what's the next step in Hawkes masterful plan? Not that it's a bad thing, she's gonna kill Carlton and make it look like Fisher did it!

Oh, and while Fisher and Carlton didn't ask, Hawkes said she killed Carmen Mesta too and set Professor Gerbil up to take that fall.

Fisher was dumbfounded. Make that dumb. Gosh, didn't Hawkes love him? Why yes, she did. In fact she and Fisher are a lot alike.

"But I never killed anyone!" Fisher sputtered as if to say it doesn't matter that he tried and that if it hadn't been for his stupidity, if he hadn't put Carlton into a walk-in freezer, she might very well be dead and probably should be given how her brain died that day.

Alas, that's all water under the bridge. Hawkes said she had no choice but to kill Mesta because Mesta had caught her with the art portfolio she'd stolen from Mrs. Carlton's auto. Boinking her over the head, Mesta's lifeless body was later found and Devon Hamilton charged with the crime despite the trouble Hawkes had gone through to set Gerbil up.

The overflow of information was too much for Ms. Carlton. She accused Hawkes of using Fisher and not really loving him and for what? Blood money?

Declaring that if she had it all to do over she wouldn't change a thing, Hawkes rambled on. Her granddaddy, bless his soul, was an art dealer who had been killed by the Nazis because he knew too much - about something - most likely that one of Hitler's top goons was an art lover and had been decorating his home with art taken from German Jews. It wasn't like the Nazis had a plan to eliminate the Jewish race; that one old man knew Fat Boy Hermann GÖRING was ripping off art, was reason enough to kill him.

As his days of hacking into computers seemed sure to be over, Fisher morphed into the atypical give me the gun, you don't want to hurt anyone, it's only money mode. Typical of those without a functioning brain, as if she'll go on to become the next can't be caught, can't be killed Sheila Carter, Hawkes said her motive isn't just money; it's lot of money!

Ah, greed. Same as it ever was. Girl from wrong side of tracks can't catch a break. Girl lives in a trailer park and must flip burgers for $5.50 per hour. Girl goes on to become manager of popular Jitter Joint in mini-megalopolis and yet she's not satisfied.

"Damn you Fisher! You cheap bastard! Why didn't you pay me a decent wage? See where it got you?" Hawkes did not say, but you know, should have because that's how absurd the scene was especially when Ms. Carlton said, well, she's loaded; she'll give Hawkes all the money she wants and they'll forget this farce of a kidnapping and murder ever took place.

Ah, but greed reared its ugly head again. Hawkes wouldn't be satisfied with millions when she can have billions! Never mind she wouldn't be able to spend it, Hawkes has delusions of Sheila grandeur.

Then came the predictable lunge for the taser. Oops, Fisher went down for the count. With 50-thousand volts surging through his body, Fisher nevertheless called Hawkes' a "sick bitch" when she asked if he was okay. "Oh my! I'm so sorry. I'm gonna kill your dumb ass in about five minutes, but please tell me you're okay. Good. Now get up and lock pretty girl here in that freezer. Don't ask. I thought of everything. I know too there is plenty of room in the freezer for you. Once you set the fire, jump in and lock the door. Um, maybe I should set the fire. God, I'm getting so confused. Damn it, bitch! Didn't I say no questions? How will bitch boy here die? Like you care? Haven't you always hated him? If you must know, he's gonna lock himself in with you and it'll look like an accident. Didn't I just explain that? Don't tell me the plan won't work. We'll just see about that."

Incredibly, having to ask how Fisher would die was not the lamest thing Carlton said. She joined the long list of those to say Fisher has "changed" and too bad it would be her dying testament unless, by some miracle, they survive so that she and Fisher can fall in love so as to revive J.T. Hellstrom's jealously.

In an Alice in Wonderland, hello, I must be going flash, Hawkes locked the door and was off to collect her billions from - oops. Did anyone think to set the place on fire? Oh well, maybe she'll find a match while Fisher and Carlton figure out they're trapped. Maybe some one will explain how Hawkes managed to get into the professor's ritzy apart to plant Mesta's driver's license when Hawkes was never once seen in the apartment. Lord knows Carlton, who found the clues, didn't ask. If Hellstrom can pop the lock, if a make-believe PI can prowl around the building with impunity, who's to say Hawkes couldn't too?

Nightmares of Guilt

February 15, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

Have you ever wondered, in calmer moments of profound wisdom unaffected by actual subtle thought or deeper intellectual concerns, why Will Bardwell is always involved in routine police matters? Sure, he's the city's top cop, but look no further than your own city. How often have you seen, or read about, the District Attorney doing anything more than prosecuting bad guys from the comfort of his office? How many times has the DA been in court? Do you even know your DA's name? Aren't you more likely to know the name of a deputy DA most usually the one to be seen in court and on the news?

Since I once knew the City Prosecutor of a real city personally, insomuch as the photographer for his election campaign can "know him" and therefore know that the D.A. rarely sticks his or her nose into city matters, and that's why big cities - such that Genoa City purports to be - have city prosecutors, I asked if he would, or ever had, intervened in cases involving persons he knew personally. You know, like the old hag he'd have sex with as a last resort, and her up to his ears in crime, son.

"No!" was the emphatic reply based on conflict of interest and sure to follow charges of impropriety. I asked too if he ever went to crime scenes or participated in routine investigations and again the reply was no. As for why not, I was told, "It's not my, or my deputies, job to investigate crime. That's what the police are for. We cannot appear to be exerting undo influence. Our job is to consider charges put forth by the police and whether there is credible evidence to warrant an indictment. If there is, our job, what we do, is nothing more than represent The People as lawyers for the City."

So, when Bardwell shows up at crime scenes, when he questions suspects, when he informs those who have killed that no charges will be brought, that's not his stinking job! It's up to the police to first make that decision. If the police bring charges, then, and only then, Bardwell can refuse to prosecute, or in his case, persecute, because that's what Bardwell is doing when, as he did today, he questioned Professor Gerbil about the disappearance of one Jana Hawkes.

Without a warrant, the cops began searching the professor's apartment until Gerbil reminded them that while it may be fashionable these days, he wasn't about to let Bardwell trample all over his constitutional rights.

Earlier, pissed that the cops didn't search for Hawkes before she went missing, told not to allow the police to search his crash pad without a warrant, Kevin Fisher allowed them to anyway.

You'd think, after Fisher's many bad encounters with the Gestapo, he'd have learned by now to do what his lawyer brother tells him. Fisher grumbled too that if he was a Newman the cops would have found Hawkes by now. How they can find someone before that someone is missing was, oh, never mind. Why Bardwell was present during the search is what matters since he had no business being there.

So, will Fisher start having nightmares too? He's due. He'll probably join the likes of Dru Winters when he sees Hawkes wherever he goes and blame himself for what happened. No doubt he'll get phone calls from Hawkes and have to be held back from launching his own investigation because, well, there's never a cop around when he needs one.

And lo, who better than Fisher's brother to say he should leave the investigation to the professionals than Michael Baldwin? Baldwin, who took it upon himself to conspire with Clueless in yet another crime, who, as an officer of the court, said not a word to the authorities and in the process could have lost his baby, and his wife, not that the death of Lauren Baldwin would have been much of a loss, all while spewing he so feared losing his license to practice law.

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