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News Archives - Kevin Fisher
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Prison Break!

by Brent Kellogg
December 3, 2007

It has become some sort of rule, some sort of law of the freaks running Genoa City upon which any open-minded and intellectually prudent human worth his/her salt can now rely with perfect clarity.

It goes like this: If there is a loophole in the law, ambulance chaser Michael Baldwin will find it.

I understand that as an attorney Baldwin is not obligated to advise his brother as to exactly how the law works, but I'd like to think that as crazy as Kevin Fisher is, as one who claims to be a computer whiz and knows the workings of the Internet, he'd be smart enough to verify that what his brother told him today is true. Or false as the case may be.

Aware that a cares about him so much family is opposed to his marrying brutal murderer Jana Hawkes, having told Gloria Bardwell and the Baldwins that he's not giving up on wanting Jana's hand in marriage and they might as well get used to it, Fisher strolled over to the corner prison where he learned from Jana that her brain tumor hasn't grown worse, nor has it changed in any way and doctors tell her it's not expected to. While good news medically, it wasn't criminally and most likely, after months of being locked up without a day in court or a court-appointed public defender ever coming to see, or calling to speak with her, Jana fully expects to go on trial for murder.

Anticipating that his girl will soon be free to ride down the highway on her "hog", Fisher was stunned when Jana said she's so certain to be found guilty and sent back to prison that he might as well accept that they can never be Mr. and Mrs. Freak. Trying to be optimistic, Fisher reminded Jana that she didn't kill Carmen Mesta. Her tumor did! In fact, he's got research showing that in 19 out of 20 whack job cases, the whack always gets away with the crime so long as the whack's brain was malfunctioning at the time.

Turning the corner and reentering his coffee shop, Fisher was not surprised to see the Baldwin's were still there slurping coffee. Knowing how they feel he nevertheless said that no matter what Jana says he's going to marry her and that a court will free her because the tumor made her do it.

To a degree, Fisher is right.

If Jana can find a competent criminal attorney to represent her, and God only knows where in Genoa City there is anything competent, her medical condition at the time she committed her crimes could be used as part of her defense. So, what's the problem?

According to Baldwin, mental illness cannot be admitted as a defense until after Jana's case has been tried. Only on appeal can her illness be subjugated.

In all my years of covering Genoa City I have never heard such bullshit. And frankly, that's what it is. I've heard Baldwin say lots of dumb things since he attempted to rape Christine 'Bug' Blair, but his latest spewing is just plain ludicrous. Of course it could be he's trying to trick little brother into forgetting about Jana, but to say Fisher is "addicted" will only agitate the crazies running around in his head, whispering in his ear, "Bust Jana out of prison."

Baldwin should know; Fisher is loopy enough to try it. And maybe like you, I want to see him pull it off because nothing beats watching a comatose woman trying to stay alive without a feeding tube than an old fashioned prison break.

Li'l Kevin's Inappropriate Maternal Behavior

by Liza Van Horne
November 21, 2007

Kevin Fisher, owner of the Jitter Joint, boyfriend to serial-killer hobbyist Jana Hawkes, and absentee computer geek who somehow manages to stay on the Jabot payroll, has reportedly developed erectile dysfunction as the result of his grifter mom finally pushing him too far.

Kevin claims to have lost the ability to make his soldier stand at attention after his reluctant participation in Gloria Abbott Bardwell's plot to reclaim the tainted face cream from Jeffrey Bardwell's hotel room. Despite repeated attempts to refuse his mother's demands, Mr. Fisher found himself listening to Mrs. Bardwell describing, in great detail, her intent to partially seduce Mr. Bardwell and gain access to his hotel room. Kevin Fisher was supposed to barge in on them at the moment immediately preceding consummation to spare his mother the necessity of having intercourse with Mr. Bardwell.

"Oh my God, oh my God," moaned Mr. Fisher as he slumped on the barstool next to us at the Genoa City Adultery Club, where he clutched his third glass of straight vodka as if his life depended upon it. "When she was coming at me like that? With that look in her eye and her disgusting mom-tits shoved up under her chin? My dick went limper than an over-boiled noodle. Her plans, always her crazy plans, and then the sex talk! I don't need to hear that!"

Kevin complained that ever since that night, he has had no physical ability to relieve his carnal urges. "It's bad enough with Daniel and Amber in the apartment. I can barely find any privacy to have my Personal Time. But now! Now, after seeing my own mother whoring it up with her dead husband's identical twin? I feel like I'll never be able to have sex again without picturing her saying, 'It's only a partial seduction, Kevin, I'm not a tease, Kevin...'" It appeared Mr. Fisher could barely get the words out and again regarded his drink with desperation.

When asked what he planned to do about this unfortunate turn of events, Mr. Fisher looked distraught and said he might consider switching teams. "Daniel's kind of pretty for a guy," he said. "I tried fantasizing about him in the bathroom of the Jitter Joint on a break. But nothing was happening. Oh well."

"My mother's loaded, anyway," he added glumly. "She can damn well pay for the therapy and Viagra - that crazy bitch owes me."

We wish Mr. Fisher all the best as he battles this extremely demoralizing condition, and hope that Li'l Kevin becomes operational again in the near future.

Dorks of Doom Go Free!

September 19, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

Once again, maybe like you have been over the years, I am disappointed with how the justice system works; or doesn't work as the case may be. I was certain Kevin Fisher, Daniel Romalotti and Amber Moore would be found guilty of at least one of their many crimes and for sure would spend some time behind bars. If nothing else, I figured the odds were against Kevin. How many crimes can he get away with?

It seems there's no limit to the legal loopholes. There is, we found out today, a certain Treasury Agent named Bonercheck the Federal Government has in custody and the Feds want to put him away so bad they'll do anything, including putting pressure on the local Genoa City District Attorney's Office such that ADA Heather Stevens had no choice today but to go along to get along.

While Amber Moore thought that because she saved Jill Abbott from "a burning building" all charges against her, and her crooked pals, should be dropped, little did she know how easy it would be. Amber had no idea that if her former husband agreed to testify against Bonercheck - for when Bonercheck held him at gunpoint - in exchange for Cane Ashby's testimony the Dorks of Doom would be granted immunity.

And so it came to pass that within minutes of telling Heather she better go along with the Feds, a deal was made wherein the dorks will serve two years on probation and ninety hours of community service the latter of which they will not spend a minute performing.

Even as they celebrated their victory by drinking champagne and eating caviar, Kevin and his mother were plotting how to make public a tape recording Kevin obtained illegally when he spied electronically on Jabot Cosmetics.

Like the tape already made public, the additional tape purports to prove that House of Kim owner Mr. Kim Chee was in cahoots with Senator Jack Abbott's then illegal ownership of Jabot. With the senator having told her today that nobody will believe the "ranting of a social-climbing black widow," Gloria would love nothing more than make Jack eat those words.

In a related development, according to an unidentified poll, those asked what they think about the released tape show respondents split 50-50 on the question as to whether the tape is fake. The numbers not seen as good for his career, Abbott ordered never seen anymore campaign manager Ben Hollander to inform the press that the tape and surrounding controversy is a "smear campaign" manufactured by those out to get him.

As for coming clean and telling the truth as his wife has suggested, the senator said there is "no hard proof" that he owned Jabot, and that despite the poll he will "survive" this latest scandal. Senator Abbott also announced today plans to meet with a representative of the State Board of Education to discuss ways pregnant students can stay in school until they earn their degrees. A member of the board, who asked not to be identified because he's not authorized to comment on such matters, told the GCN, "This Abbott guy's a moron. Other than dropping out to have their babies, there's no reason why any mother can't complete her education. I mean, does the senator think we kick girls out of school just because they get pregnant?"

The GCN has learned that's exactly what some schools do in order to keep test scores high. High scores equal more tax dollars to operate public schools. Many regular high schools encourage pregnant students to leave for that reason. Title nine of the federal education act prohibits schools from steering pregnant students away. If a girl wants to stay she must be given her choice.

But many girls just leave school after getting pregnant so it's no wonder Abbott is suddenly concerned; he's married to a woman who did worse than that. Sharon Collins got pregnant, dropped out of school, and gave her baby up.

Hogs Out of Dodge

September 6, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

They don't come any crazier than Kevin Fisher.

In love with the woman who tried to kill him, and the little girl that he himself tried to kill years ago, Fisher today was elated to hear that doctors removed 99% of the thing eating away at Jana Hawkes' brain. According to a God Have Mercy Medical Center quack, Hawkes is "normal" and except for a small cut on her skull, should go on to live a productive life behind bars provided some bleeding-heart liberal judge doesn't let her escape charges of murdering Carmen Mesta and the attempted murder of Colleen Carlton and Fisher.

Flying higher than a monkey on Meth, Fisher told Hawkes that as soon as she's released from the GHM he intends on purchasing two "hogs" for which they can travel cross-country. Caught up in her boyfriend's fantasy, Hawkes said it was nice to "dream" and saw herself as a kind of Thelma to Fisher's Louise. Forgetting that they are both under criminal indictment, he for moving a corpse among other crimes, Fisher came up with a nice slogan.

"We'll get on our hogs and out of Dodge."

Life had turned into a regular bowl of cherries for Fisher when Carlton blew onto the GHM ward for the criminally insane, and like so many other visitors Hawkes is allowed to have, to yuck it up with and share her bed if desired without security guards to say otherwise, said, "Your boss died."

Naturally, Fisher was confused. Boss? What Boss? He's his own boss. He runs a coffee shop and, oh! That boss!

Yessiree, Mr. Kim Chee was the boss Fisher never met; never so much as laid eyes on him because Chee owned at one time Jabot Cosmetics, the company where Fisher swears up and down he works as a webmaster when in all the time since Jill Abbott gave him the job, he hasn't spent more than an hour at the place. Naturally, any company worried about its image as Jabot is, would keep an employee charged with a bevy of crimes, and a criminal history longer than Al Capone's, on the payroll.

Not exactly moved to tears by Chee's death, Fisher did for a moment consider putting the news on Jabot's website! It would be just the incentive shoppers visiting the site to purchase toxic company cosmetics would need to spend more money. "Mildred! Did you see this? Mr. Kim Chee is dead! Damn, no 3 for 1 sale though", a web surfer might say.

So excited he might pee his pants, Fisher turned his attention back to Hawkes. "You're back; the old you!" he actually said, adding now that their hog trip would be extended to include Europe and Asia. As for how he'd ever be able to put aside his business duties, Fisher said it wouldn't be a problem. He can always find someone to run the Jitter Joint, and Jabot would be happy to grant him a leave of absence. Lord knows, God has.

Shopping For Doctors

August 27, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

Doctor, my eyes! Can you help? Sorry, this is Kevin. Kevin, you know, Fisher. Very funny, Doc. So they call me crazy, what if I am? Enough small talk. Can you help me? There's this girl. She's an inmate, I mean, a patient at the God Have Mercy Medical Center and... how'd you guess? Wait! You haven't heard me out. They ain't cops. I give them donuts and they let me right in. Hell, the other night I slept in her bed. Anybody can get in to see her. No, she can't get out, but she can call out. I was wondering, could you... Hello? Bastard!

Hello? Doctor Jones? This is Kevin. Wait! Damn!

<Sound of phonebook pages flipping and clip-clop of footsteps>

Hi Colleen! Funny you should ask. I'm looking for a doctor who can speed Jana's operation up. Quacks over there are wasting time; running tests and crap. They could have done the surgery by now and Jana would be out - with me - and we'd be having sex and babies. Wouldn't that be cool? You too? Professor putting the pork to you day and night? I bet he is. Didn't I tell you to take your fat ass to the fat farm? C'mon, you know I did. I must say, they did a good job. You don't look much older than your half-sister, Abby. The professor likes the new you, don't he? Damn right; he likes 'em young, and honey you are looking younger every day. So, you gonna slum, or buy? The coffee shop business has been slow. Say, we got a special on takeout. You got your order in? Great!

<More page flipping>

No-no, that's okay. Your food will get cold. But if you insist <page ripping>, you call the M's through O's. Just tell them who you are and you'll get right through. Try it. Um, lower your voice. I'll go check on your order; be right back.

How'd it go? Hey, where you going? I thought you were going to help me? Got a case of the hots, eh? Yeah, I know how it is. That's why I want Jana's operation sped up. The sooner her brain is firing on all four cylinders, the sooner I'll be <expletive deleted> it out of her head. Of course I know how! Okay, so Lily was a long time ago, but I didn't forget. By the way, you seen her lately? Did she dump the sissy? I didn't see anything about a divorce on the news. Annulled? Man, I knew there was something weird about that marriage. Looks like your order is ready. Take it easy on the professor, and don't be thinking of J.T. while you're doing it.

Now, where was I? Hello? Dr. Jekyll's office? Is the doctor in? Could I speak with him - please? It's kinda an emergency. In surgery! What's he doing in surgery? Oh, that's right, he's a surgeon. Could you have him call me? What? This is Kevin. I own the Jitter Joint. Fisher! Kevin Fisher! Thank you.

Let's see. Dr. Olivia Winters. Is she still in town? I don't think so. Bet she'd do the surgery if she was. Hum...  says here ask about our back alley butchering. Sounds cheap. Dr. Nora Thompson. Nope. Dr. Wesley Carter. Never heard of him. Dr. Reese Walker. Nope. Dr. Josh Landers. Why does that name sound familiar? Dr. Casey Reed. How old is this phonebook anyway? Dr. Scott Gruesome. Didn't he croak? Dr. Ken Collins? Tess Bridger. Dr. R. Bruce. Frank Campbell. Sebastian Crown. Charles Elliot. Snapper Foster? Wow, these are old. Dr. Love? Now that might...

What do you want? Can't you see I'm a busy man? Wrong order! Why didn't you check before she left? Christ, now I'm gonna have to go all the way over there. This is coming out of your paycheck.

<Knock on door>

It's me. Did you notice you got the wrong order? No? Don't you eat before sex? Everyone else does. Come again? You came... oh, you want me to come in? Isn't it a bad time? Okay, if you insist. Hi professor! How's it hanging? Down, eh. Sorry about that. Why, that's very nice of you Colleen, but I can't possibly stay for dinner. Have you looked? There's barely enough here to feed a bird, and it's getting cold.

<Ring-Ring>

Hello? Yes, this is Kevin. Dr. Jekyll? How nice of you to call me back. You will? Gosh, Doc. How can I ever thank you?

Mother Expletive Deleted!

August 14, 2007
by Brent Kellogg 

Just when you thought Kevin Fisher couldn't get any crazier, when he's trying to sell the Jitter Joint to pay for the murdering Jana Hawkes' brain surgery and could very well go on to marry the woman who tried to kill him and the little girl Fisher himself once tried to kill, what does he do?

He blackmail's his mother!

Sad to say, it's true. Gloria Fisher Abbott Bardwell, herself a suspected killer and known criminal, has refused to pony up the thousands Kevin needs for the tumor operation and so, although he's got more than $400,000 in lottery winnings stashed away, while his coffee shop hasn't been on the market for more than a week, when he hasn't thought to ask for a bank loan, Kevin today threatened the one person who has done more to advance his criminal career than anyone else.

There are not enough trees from which to make paper to list the things Gloria has done for Kevin and vice-versa. From allowing her son to be locked in a closet while she dined on lobster, to supporting his appointment to a high-paying, never works there job at Jabot Cosmetics, what more could a son ask of a mother? A few thousand of the millions she's apparently inherited? Is Gloria's refusal to pay the medical bill of a woman who tried to kill her good boy any reason to blackmail her?

Crazy as everyone knows Kevin is, who would listen to his braying? The inept, child of a murderous battered beauty? The child forgotten for years and still doesn't know Paul Williams is her pa, D.A. Heather Stevens? The woman who would take a dead man's office belongings to the bereaved family only hours following the death?

What about police detective Maggie Sullivan? Would a dirty cop who covered up evidence of her lover's implication in the kidnapping and death of Sheila Carter believe a certifiable nut case? The rouge cop who straps electronic tracking devices on the legs of criminal suspects without a warrant?

With her lavish lifestyle threatened, it would seem Gloria has no choice but to dispose of Kevin the way she did Emma Gibson. Not with tainted skin cream, but with a bullet to the back of the head just below the brain stem. Not that Kevin has a brain, if Gloria is on the ball there is but one choice she could make as who best to carry out the hit.

J.T. Hellstrom!

The hunkmonkey hasn't been seen since March when he was upset that baby-girl Colleen Carlton had taken up with her college professor. Near the end of March, Hellstrom was seen hanging from the ceiling in a drunken stupor, badgering customers at the Athletic Supporter Club when he should have been doing a jig after charges against him of bashing Kevin in the head with a coffee mug were dropped.

Okay, it's a long shot, but can't we agree? Kevin has crossed the line. There is nothing lower than a child who would rat its own mother out no matter if said mother is lower than a snake in a rut. If he goes through with it, if Gloria goes down because of anything Kevin does, Kevin needs to die.

You Can't Take That Away From Me

August 9, 2007
by Brent Kellogg 

Hearing that Kevin Fisher is selling the Jitter Joint, I couldn't help but think back to that September day in 2005 when Kevin, and his partner Mac Browning, collectively known as the "bean heads" first thought about buying the coffee shop.

At the time I was crying for I thought I'd missed the part where Mac and Kevin called JJ owners Nick and Sharon Newman to arrange a meeting at the Ponderosa outhouse. Before making the one hour drive, I thought surely Mac and Kevin would have said during their phone conversation "we want to buy the coffee shop" but apparently they didn't as the first thing Nick asked when they arrived was, "What did you want to talk to us about?"

Assuming that Nick and Sharon were still grieving over the death of their daughter, Mac and Kevin further presumed they weren't paying much attention to their investments and sources of income for they were, after all, Newmans. They lived rent-free and didn't really have to work because the Newman golden spoons fed their every financial need. It would have been safe to say therefore, that with all its sentimental value, the Newman's would like to sell the Jitter Joint to a pair of bean heads.

Kevin and Mac were shocked when Sharon said no; the coffee house by day, club for all ages by night, was not for sale.

Mac said she knew this, but if the Newman's would look at how she and Kevin planned to whip the shop into shape and increase its profits they'd gladly sell. Nick was somewhat befuddled. What gave Mac the impression she could run anything more than a Magic Hitachi between her legs? What business background might she have? What education? Experience?

Then Nick and Sharon remembered. In Genoa City people don't need experience or education. Sharon knew firsthand as she'd once been given a job at the Newman Enterprises mailroom simply because she was well-connected and, after half a day on the job, called to say she couldn't come to work the next three days because of personal problems. Despite this, a few days later Sharon got a gold star for her performance and a promotion. As for Nick, the big-teethed boob had never worked outside the Newman safety zone.

Incredibly, Mac, who came to Genoa City as a homeless teenager, who had never worked at anything except for the few hours she put in as a volunteer at a shelter, said she learned how the Jitter Joint works from watching Nick run it!

"I learned about how it works from you when I was a teen," she actually said which left some people shaking their heads. The only thing Mac had ever done during her visits at the JJ was to slurp expensive lattes, "study" for high-school exams, ogle boyfriend/cousin Billy Abbott and other hunkmonkeys she'd found attractive. As for Kevin's qualifications, Mac said he was an accounting "whiz".

Considering all this took place just two years ago, it may be interesting to note that during the meeting with the bean heads, Sharon brought up Kevin's criminal history.

"This town doesn't forget that easily," she said.

Neither Kevin nor Mac burst out laughing. They did not say, "you hypocritical bitch." They did not say the entire City will never forget how Sharon abandoned her family, how she slept with strange men, or how she and her mother-in-law conspired to conceal a crime and dumped a dead body into the sewer system.

Kevin did say he knew where Sharon was coming from, but since he'd become a "changed" man, all those negatives about him had been turned into positives. By running and owning the JJ, Kevin would prove to those who hated his guts that he deserved their respect.

When all was said and done, Kevin asked how on earth Nick and Sharon could say no? Looking at their business proposal, Nick remarked how much "thought" had gone into what he called a "good" plan. But since the shop wasn't for sale they were wasting time. And while Kevin had just heard Nick say he'd looked over the plan, he told Nick "look over our plan."

When the bean heads were gone, Sharon whined to Nick. The coffee shop was the last place Cassie Newman had gone before dying. It was the place where she and Nick fell in love, was so loved by Cassie's two friends, and Sharon didn't want Nick to "take that away from me". Over her objections, Nick said he wanted to sell. Alas, the rocks in her head banging from side to side, Sharon said she'd signoff on the deal.

For a place containing so many memories - as the JJ does - a prudent person would have investigated the buyers before selling. Nick and Sharon are a lot of things, but prudent they aren't. Had she an iota of common sense Sharon might learn Kevin ain't too bright because what so-called businessman would ask Daniel Romalotti what changes he'd like to see at the coffee shop?

"You're just the guy we wanted to see," Kevin said later as dinkwad Daniel walked into the JJ where he fully expected to be treated like the Taliban. Feeling the bad vibes, Daniel made sure Nick and Sharon weren't around as Kevin and Mac said they wanted to run some proposed changes by him.

"Everyone is looking at me like I'm the scum of the earth," Daniel whimpered, when the reality was that he was being mostly ignored. Instead of asking, "So why in the hell would you come into a place where you know people hate you?" Kevin said he knew the feeling. People hated him too for giving Lily Winters an STD and burning the RoadKill Cafe down, but he returned time and time again to a place where he knew his enemies would be holed up.

Pleading with Daniel to say what he'd like to see changed, Kevin said he [Kevin] is "living proof" people forget who the evildoers are. "He's a whiz with numbers," Mac said again as she told Daniel to keep his chin up and find something he could do with his mother to keep his mind off gone away to reform school Lily.

Moments later Nick called to say he was on his way into the city with a revised decision. Unfortunately, it was not the one Mac and Kevin wanted to hear because they'd heard it about an hour ago. Saying he was impressed with their written proposal, Nick told Mac and Kevin the timing wasn't right. Besides, the shop was crawling with memories. There was too the little matter of Malfunction Winters' contribution to the latte menu - Kenyon Roast. In Nick's mind there was no certainty the bean heads would keep it on tap and, well, Nick just didn't want to sell.

"Did something change your mind?" Kevin asked.

"When was my mind ever made up?" Nick did not reply, but may have thought to himself, "Jesus with a coffee grinder, it's a good thing I don't sell to these bean heads. They can't remember what the hell I said just two hours ago. I may have been interested, but I never said I'd sell." He did though tell Kevin not to try to change Sharon's mind.

"This isn't over!" Kevin snarled, convinced that he and Mac were destined to be a "great team" and that they'd find some other business to get into.

On September 20, Nick and Sharon changed their minds. They agreed to sell and legal aspects of the sale were handled like the trading of baseball cards. Not a single shyster had been contacted, not even Fisher's lawyer brother, Michael Baldwin, or the then best lawyer Genoa City had to offer, Christine 'Bug' Blair.

The shop theirs, Kevin asked asked Daniel to handle the JJ's grand re-opening regardless of the fact that Daniel was still getting bad vibes from customers because he'd been accused of having something to do with Cassie's death. Happy to be of service, Daniel said he'd arrange the grand re-opening in his spare time when he wasn't attending high school or thinking about doing time at a New Hampshire reform school, Lily.

So excited about their first business, Kevin envisioned himself on the cover of Economics Weekly along with co-owner, Mac who later would sell her interest in the shop to Kevin.

Victim to Pay for Assailant's Surgery!

August 7, 2007
by Brent Kellogg 

Instead of worrying that the God Have Mercy Medical Center is only in the healthcare business for profit - in that it won't pay for an operation on Jana Hawke's rotting brain - Kevin Fisher should take a look his own business. For starters, he might want to spend more time on the job thus reducing payroll unless the Jitter Joint had been a non-profit organization all this time. Considering the high prices on everything from muffins to lattes, it doesn't look that way as Fisher requires even those who have helped him break the law to pay for the swill he sells.

If Fisher finds it so appalling that indigent, suspected killers are not afforded $130,000 brain surgeries when there are cheaper modalities available, he might contact his congressional representatives in Washington, D.C., and suggest they make it so all Americans are entitled to the same health insurance coverage taxpayers provide them. Not that Hawkes is American, she's still got that Australian accent and given her crimes should be deported the moment she's convicted of kidnapping and murder. There's absolutely no reason taxpayers should pay to keep her in prison; let Australia do that.

While Hawkes is an inmate on a GHM psycho ward, if he's really concerned, Fisher should be bitching to authorities about the Guantanamo-style treatment she's getting. Her hands bound during yet another visit from her victim today, Hawkes whimpered about the hospital not wanting to give her the best care anywhere, but there was not a word of complaint that the man of her dreams would see her hands tied and worse yet, without makeup. It was truly a hideous violation of human rights at a hospital whose motto is: "Care for those who have borne the battle."

Before informing the woman who tried to kill him and "close" friend Colleen Carlton, who Fisher would have killed if only he'd known how to do it right, that he'll pay for her surgery, Fisher checked with new witchdoctor in town, Dr. Mountain Mama Logan. Introduced by Logan's latest suitor Brad Carlton as the "famous" Dr. Logan, Fisher learned it's true what they say. Centers for disease are under no obligation to perform pro bono surgery unless the patient's life is at risk. Since cancer rarely kills, since if Ashley Abbott could survive the breast cancer form of it, there's no reason to suspect Hawkes won't. In fact, with a little finagling, if all goes well Fisher said that it could be determined Hawkes was not in her right head at the time of her crimes, she may, like he once was and is expected again, to go free.

Prior to saying he'll pick up the tab, Fisher asked his mother, the soon to inherit "millions" from the death of another husband Gloria Bardwell, if she would. Saying Hawkes is one crazy bitch, Mrs. Bardwell refused and went about throwing a party for the dead Wilma Bardwell. To be held at the ritzy by membership only Athletic Supporter Club, Mrs. Bardwell was snubbed when the Governor of Wisconsin refused to attend. Second best, the Lt. Governor agreed to attend instead which may have explained why Mrs. Bardwell was so pissed off when she saw that club manager Gina Roma had put out wrong color table linens when she'd specifically asked the linens be blue, Wilma's "favorite" color.

As for where Fisher will get the money to pay for Hawke's operation, it's speculated he'll sell the Jitter Joint rather than dip into the millions in lottery winnings he once held. Also on the hook for thousands of government money he and the Dorks of Doom stole, and must pay back if they are to go free, during a meeting with the dorks today Fisher didn't seem all that concerned as co-conspirator Amber Ashby said of the illicit money, "We earned it."

Looney Tunes

August 3, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

Talk about a fine mess, we've learned today that the Dorks of Doom will have to pay part of the money they stole back to the government! You see? It wasn't Carson McDonald's life savings at all. It was taxpayer money apparently used to entrap agent Boner Check which is why he so desperately wanted it back. Talk about government waste, Amber Ashby and Daniel Romalotti were fretting today over how they'll pay it back.

Gosh, have they forgotten so soon? All Amber has to do is ask her mother-in-law, and Daniel need only ask proud step-daddy Nick Newman since both in-law happily posted their $200,000+ bail. So what's the problem? Seems now Daniel's wife and Amber's husband want nothing to do with the little crooks so they can hardly ask their spouses for the dough. Not that Lily Romalotti has any, all Cane Ashby will give his spouse is some free sex now and then.

As for the ring leader, Kevin Fisher's pretty much forgotten he's out on bail and come to think about it, not sure what crime he's been charged with. His focus now is on how to prevent locked on a God Have Mercy Medical Center psycho ward Jana Hawkes from pestering his friends. Yes, while the dorks have been busy getting kidnapped and fitted with electronic tracking devices, Jana's been calling them day and night and Kevin won't have it. He called GHM nurses today and said that if they continue letting Jana call her victims, their friends and family, he'll get a restraining order. He can do that too 'cause his brother is a bad-ass lawyer. Never mind that the nurses won't take Jana's phone away, they think Kevin is Jana's next of kin and so why should they? Says right there on the admission chart: In case of emergency call Kevin Fisher.

And that's exactly what they did today when the tumor eating away at Jana's brain acted up again.

Waltzed right into the GHM Kevin and Amber did since there was no police officer guarding the suspected killer to stop them, or a single hospital official to ask if either Kevin or Amber was next of kin or to say this isn't a freaking convalescent home! The patient is a prisoner! And there, while Jana's condition had apparently taken a turn the worst, she looked just fine and Amber saw right away from his Betty Davis eyes, that Kevin still has a thing for the woman who tried to kill him and if ever there was a true Looney Tune, this will be it.

Boner Takes a Bite out of Crime

July 30, 2007
by Brent Kellogg 

On their way to Infinity to rescue the thought to have kidnapped herself Amber Ashby today, crazy Kevin Fisher, swishy-boy Daniel Romalotti and too drunk to know he didn't go to his own wedding Cane Ashby, known collectively as the Dorks of Doom were stopped by a lone agent of the Federal Government. An agent of the Treasury Department to be specific, Mr. Boner Check laid his cards on the table. He knows Kevin spent some of the stolen money taken off the body of the very dead man known as 'Plum' because the money had been marked and was being tracked.

Denying all knowledge of the money, and not bothering to ask what gave the agent the idea he'd spent it, Kevin assumed money from coffee shop sales had fallen into government hands and told the agent he can't be held accountable because lots of his customers pay with cash. Giving away his position further, Boner revealed Kevin's loopy sidekicks Romalotti and Amber Ashby had also been under surveillance insomuch as they'd been seen leaving and entering Genoa City and Ashby used the money to purchase a hog, as in noisier than her ear-piercing voice, motorcycle.

As their crime began to slowly unravel, it dawned on Kevin and Daniel that they hadn't asked to see the agent's identification and instead of doing so, asked the agent if he was for real. Flashing them what was apparently a business card complete with the Seal of the United States on it and a phone number, the dorks weren't convinced. Calling to get the real number of the Treasury Department, Daniel later confirmed the agent's ID and the questioning continued with the dorks denying they ever knew Plum until this month's Johnny on the Spot arrived to rip Daniel a new one for betraying his abnormal daughter.

Neil Winters ratted his own son-in-law out. He told the agent how his daughter, Lily Romalotti had told him of the money and the kidnapping and while it was third-hand hearsay at this point, without asking to speak with Lily personally, the agent was nevertheless pissed. Without knowing for a fact that Mrs. Ashby had been kidnapped, he scolded the dorks for putting a woman's life in danger and then, incredibly, instructed Neil to call the cops before warning the dorks they could go to prison. It was at this point, despite not being under arrest, that Kevin refused to speak until his lawyer was present.

And who might that lawyer be?

As always, there were three guesses and the first two didn't count. Could it be the same lawyer defending Phyllis Newman, the one who stands ready to defend Gloria Bardwell if necessary, and in recent years has defended anyone, and everyone, in need of a lawyer? Why, yes, it's literally a criminal, attorney Michael Baldwin!

Refusing to accept any role in what may go down in the anals as the dumbest caper yet, Cane said he had nothing to do with nothing and to prove it offered himself up as the government's star witness. Puking his guts out, Cane told the agent that his "wife" is a "con artist" and that he doesn't really know who she is. He spoke too of Iraq war vet 'Carson' as a potential suspect and since the agent didn't seem to know much about anything, that Plum is dead.

As they all awaited Baldwin's arrival, Neil, who at one time had given Daniel a key to the Winters family jewels, blasted the swishy one for breaking his little girl's black heart and said that since he'd given Daniel a million chances to pull himself together and he'd failed, Daniel was to stay away from Lily or, as usual, there would be hell to pay.

Speaking of Lily, she was whining to back from a fat farm looking new Colleen Carlton about Daniel's porn addiction, that the boy she'd married on a whim wasn't who she thought she had married, and boo-freaking-hoo if only she could go back to a time when she was "normal" like there's ever been a time this girl was normal except for when she was crapping diapers.

Back at the inquisition, Baldwin had arrived and instead of asking the agent what, if any, the charges were against his client, asked Kevin and Daniel what mess they'd gotten themselves into this time. Instead of worrying that his young ass could be locked up again, Daniel pleaded with Baldwin not to tell mommy Phyllis and lo, through it all, nobody found the gun Kevin had taken with him on the search for victim Amber who at last report was seen begging to be let out of a closet much the way Colleen had during the Jana Hawkes showdown.

And lo, while the feds obviously had their, ahem, dead to rights, nobody was arrested and busier than a one-arm paper hanger GCPD's lone detective Maggie Sullivan showed up to say only that Kevin could take a phone call from the very worried Colleen and that she'll do what she can to find Mrs. Ashby albeit with a caveat that if Amber done wrong she'll serve time with, or without, a trial to which Cane was pleased because, don't you know, Amber "deserves" it!

At least, that was the story today as tomorrow it could all change as one-man posse Neil goes after the mysterious Carlson, the young war vet, who could with one arm tied behind him, kick Neil's ass around the block a few times, or at least until the old man agrees to act his age and leave it to the rabid pig cops to take a bite out of crime.

Loose Lips Sink Ships

July 24, 2007
by Brent Kellogg 

When word came into the GCN newsroom that Kevin Fisher and Daniel Romalotti will soon be questioned by the FBI, my brain rolled over. Note, I didn't say "brains" because - despite that some confuse the left and right side of the brain as separate entities - the brain is one piece of the human anatomy. When the pathologist removes the brain during an autopsy, when he/she performs an incision at the base of the skull and peels the skin over the head like pulling off a mask, the brain is removed as a whole. Not that between them Kevin and Daniel don't have half a brain, I thought you'd enjoy that medical lesson.

My brain rolled because I couldn't imagine under what circumstance the FBI would be interested in the money Fisher and Romalotti stole from dead man 'Plum' unless it was originally taken during a bank robbery. Then I recalled the FBI isn't only interested in federal crimes. In the past it investigated the bribing of local department owners during the Victor Newman/Michael Baldwin "Commercial Bribery" case. Newman's son, Nick, admitted he "cooperated" completely with the FBI back then and just two years ago, during the Bobby Marsino saga, Nikki Newman said she was able to call the FBI to ask if was true that a member of the Witness Protection Program had been murdered. Also that year two men claiming to be FBI agents showed up at the God Have Mercy Medical Center, flashed what looked to be badges, and hunkmonkey J.T. Hellstrom took their word that they were agents of the FBI, and not agents of Doom as it turned out.

The best case we've seen of the FBI having an interest in what goes on in Genoa City came in 2002 when the FBI said that after pouring over library records it had traced a woman named Graziella Scaloppini to Genoa City. Diane Jenkins' personal butt wiper at the time, Graziella was able to elude the G-men by using the "sick relative" excuse. She said a brother named Paulo, living in Italy, had become suddenly become ill forcing her resign.

While it's too early to determine what the FBI knows and when it knew it, it could be too that by the time FBI arrives word will have got out that Amber Ashby has been kidnapped. Hard to believe that with all the other kidnappings in Genoa City of late, Nikki Newman, Sheila Carter, the Baldwin baby, Fisher, Colleen Carlton and Jana Hawkes being held hostage, the FBI was nowhere to be seen during those federal crimes.

As for today, there was no word whether Fisher had returned to his job at Jabot Cosmetics. A worry brother Baldwin expressed last week, not a single soul at Jabot had noticed Fisher wasn't on the job, or for that matter expected him to be in the building. During the time preceding Fisher's release from the God Have Mercy Medical Center, subsequent to his miraculous recovering from an infected pancreas, Fisher had been busy dumping dead bodies, burying and unburying stolen money and holding Hawkes at gun point. And oh my, there Fisher was today running his mouth about knowing how Plum died right in front of the stranger in town poking around asking questions. If we didn't know what they meant in the 40's about loose lips sinking ships, we do now.

Let Our Crazies Go!

July 16, 2007
by Brent Kellogg 

Yee Haw! What did I tell you? What did you already know? No criminal charges will be filed against madman Kevin Fisher and in fact dirty cop Maggie Sullivan actually thanked him for doing her job! She flicked off Jana Hawkes' assertion that Kevin had a boat load of money at the abandoned warehouse when it was announced Jana has a dreaded brain tumor eating away inside her skull! Not that this should be much of a problem, Jill Abbott's surrogate mother, Liz Foster had a brain tumor and came out of it just fine.

As for the gun Kevin had, Sullivan didn't seem interested from whence it came, who it was registered to, or how it got into and out of the God Have Mercy Medical Center. She took Kevin's word that it was Jana's gun and was satisfied that Kevin took the law into his own hands because Jana had previously tried to kill him. And did she mention what a load off her mind it was that there are good citizens out there taking a proactive interest in their community?

Incredibly, for a freak suffering from a bruised pancreas, Kevin was allowed to leave the crime scene so that he could return to the hospital where he was given antibiotics and told he could leave as his corrupt brother whined that Kevin could have been killed which is why he gave Kevin the gun.

As for Kevin's partner in crime, claiming to be so stressed from the ordeal Ms. Piggy Colleen Carlton announced she's returning to New York to visit her mother. Asked by her father what she was doing in an abandoned warehouse, Colleen said, silly goose, helping Kevin of course. Isn't that what all those who have been victimized by Kevin do?

Unfortunately, Colleen missed the part where Professor Gerbil stormed into the hospital to accuse Kevin of being a "bastard" before finding Gerbil at her door accusing her of basing their relationship on lies. It wasn't like all he ever wanted was to get into his student's pants, babes in their early 20's are potential mates in marriage. No longer teaching, Gerbil informed Colleen he's writing a book about the reliquary ordeal and while doing research discovered that her father's mother is dead. And yet, for as public as it became that Rebecca Kaplan is very much alive, and that Brad's last name isn't really Carlton, Colleen said it's a "private" matter she doesn't want to discuss.

Taking a page out of Ruthless, the true story of Victor Newman as penned by Leanna Love, what a coincidence today that Brad offered the professor money not to write the book and in one fell swoop drove the PR value up. "The novel Brad Carlton doesn't want you to read!"

Trotting over to Indigo, the Club of the Week for the second consecutive week, Gerbil and Cane Ashby bellyached about not knowing enough about the women they fall in love with while at a table nearby girlie-boy Fisher co-conspirator Daniel Romalotti, not knowing much about the little girl he married, announced he'll be seeking more therapy only this time doesn't want his wife to know. For someone who had his bank account and credit cards drained by online hackers, how Daniel can afford $175 therapy sessions can be explained away by the great employer paid health plan he's on. What should be of concern now, as it has for some time, is how children not of legal drinking age are allowed to hangout at places where liquor is served.

Speaking of crazy, of all the joints in Genoa City where a stranger looking for his missing friend could stop to ask questions, how convenient was it that Grouchy Gringo picked the Jitter Joint to ask a pack of rednecks if they'd seen his friend named Plum.

But the stunning anti-climax today, besides Kevin going free again, was the remorseful epiphany he had. Yes, he's a very naughty boy; always has been, always will be.

Reacting to Kevin's hallucinogenic fever dream, creepy criminal brother Michael Baldwin said no. Kevin's a good boy; he just had a bad childhood is all. He's been through so much.

And as Baldwin may have been thinking with Senator Jack Abbott's help he could lobby the Wisconsin State Legislature to pass a law excusing the crazies in Genoa City from any and all crimes they have committed, are in the process of committing, are planning to commit, or even merely fantasize about committing, Kevin, tilting his head back and convulsing slightly, concluded that in her own, sick way, Jana really does love him.

And so, since most of what I predicted when this saga started came true, I'll go out on a limb to foretell of a possible epilogue. Kevin pulls strings to get Jana off the hook; he convinces everyone that Jana has "changed", they get married and go on to open a chain of Jitter Joint stores.

A Clear and Really Present Danger

July 10, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

Like every let's forget about letting the cops do their job because we business executives and school children can do it better, the half-baked bring Jana Hawkes to justice saga disintegrated the moment Kevin Fisher got it into his head that if the cops didn't want to catch a fugitive, and they didn't, he'd do it himself.

And since things got so bad Phyllis Summers had to pretend to be Sheila Carter and nobody saw the resemblance and that saga sunk so low we didn't care anymore so long as it would end, giving away how the Fisher/Hawkes convolution will end is my public service to the community.

When we last left our vigilantes, Kevin was showing Jana the money as his carefully concealed chattering magpie pals looked on. Kevin told Jana they'd take the money and run away to start a new life together and Jana, who heretofore had been smart enough to get away with the murder of Carmen Mesta and the attempted murder of two other subhumans including Kevin, took the bail like a good bottom feeder.

Before whipping out some just happened to have handy chloroform with which to drug Jana, it was written that what Kevin is doing is "really fun" because it shows how "devious and manipulative" he can be. It proves Kevin still has "really strong feelings for Jana" and can we please just overuse the word really already as in really stupid?

We are told too that the opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference and Kevin is "blinded" by passion. Not only is a groggy Jana tossed into a warehouse closet, so is Kevin's previous mark, Colleen 'on-the-spot' Carlton whom we're told came to "stop" Kevin as if she's most qualified to communicate with the mentally unbalanced.

Confining Colleen wasn't more proof that he's a crazy bastard, or that Colleen should have known he'd never change, Kevin did it to make sure Colleen won't be considered an accomplice when the cops arrive to clean up his mess. But first Kevin will release Colleen and then use the just happened to have handy handcuffs to hook Jana to a pole, pull his big gun and make her confess. What he didn't count on though was that Jana would have a "seizure"!

Speaking in tongue, Jana will babble incoherently about a flat in London and two children, one named Nigel. Kevin will suspect she's faking and as he wonders what to do next Michael Baldwin and Daniel Romalotti will ride in on white horses to save the day and Jana's meaningless life.

As to whether Kevin will be charged with a crime remains to be seen. The theory is that Kevin could have killed Jana in "self-defense" because she tried to kill him and this is the message: If someone tries to kill you, you can kill them. You can say your victim/assailant was the first adult you'd had a healthy/romantic relationship with and because it didn't quite work out you were therefore justified to take lethal action. You could say too that your mother is a "black widow", your brother went to prison ten years ago for terrorizing a creepy bug, your step-father kept you locked in a closet and so it stands to reason a crazy bastard should not be considered a danger to the community because he had a bad childhood.

Half-Baked Crimes

July 9, 2007
by Brent Kellogg 

It's very dangerous, it's not very dangerous. Repeat these words five times then half-bake at 350 degrees until lightly brown or the consistency of stepped in dog poop. Cut into squares and serve chilled making sure to have an ample supply of industrial barf-bags on hand in the event of regurgitation as anyone swallowing the swill Colleen Carlton has cooked up since crazy Kevin Fisher first asked that she help catch the gullible Jana Hawkes will most likely experience.

Any woman on the lam, dumb enough to think Kevin won money at a gambling casino, and once he's located where she is agrees to wait there while Kevin goes off to get the money he says they'll use to start a new life, any school girl lame enough to have sex with her college professor and says what Jana did to her is the reason she's still having nightmares while the person who tried to fry her in a burning to the ground RoadKill Cafe does not cause her fits, needs to be strung up by her honey-dripping breasts and have a pack of fireants sprinkled over them until she begs for mercy and promises in writing never to do anything stupid ever again.

As for fairy boy Daniel Romalotti, if anyone can find it, he needs to be strung up by his penis and given a public flogging for agreeing to give Kevin his share of the money they stole as a team. Anyone with a hairdo like his who would say Jana is a "psycho" and then picks up a shovel to do Kevin's dirty work has more than a few screws loose. The same goes for porn-enabling lying bitch Amber Ashby except for the penis part.

Moreover, Daniel and Amber should be dipped in something - the word of which - I cannot write here because someone has to demonstrate some integrity. Let's call it human excrement. Dip them deep and often for believing Kevin told Jana he needed $500,000 to convince her to be with him when all he needed was to hack up some pancreatic acid-eating blood since Jana had already indicated she'd sell her soul to the Devil for just a few minutes with Kevin.

It was Jana after all, who initiated the search for Kevin. And please, don't say Kevin started it because look who he asked to help him. A clueless PI who didn't want to take the case because it would cost too much, a dirty rogue cop who has no business being on the case, and a pack of not more than teenage weasels.

If it hadn't been for Jana calling Kevin every five minutes and then calling eats-too-many Oreos Colleen Carlton who can never completely get her head out of her ass, then Kevin's mother, Kevin would still be waiting for Maggie to do more than say she couldn't locate Jana's IP address, itself a sad commentary on the war against terror which clearly, if Genoa City is any indication, can never be won.

If Daniel and Amber didn't know that Jana had already put her freedom at risk for just a glimmer of Kevin's ugly face, Miss Piggy should have told them after she'd stomped like an elephant over the Chancellor Mausoleum grounds to join them and did say that all it took to find where they were digging up the loot was to follow the leaving behind him a trail of bread crumbs Daniel.

And as four weasels chattered like magpies about what they'd done and what needed to be done, not a single hearing impaired security guard would catch them taking turns telling Kevin repeatedly "it's too dangerous", and asking what-ifs, only to go along with him to the proverbial empty warehouse without Jana being able to see Kevin wasn't alone.

Lo and behold, when Kevin arrived at the warehouse he had with him the never needs a battery charge, capable of filtering out the sound of mooing cows and GPS system combined magical laptop computer. How he also obtained a change of clothing after escaping from a hospital with a gun no less is best left to the imagination as the reality - that Paul Williams and Maggie are probably waiting nearby waiting for word from Kevin so that they spring into action along with waiting police officers to take Jana into custody - would be too depressing.

Can you see it now?

Can you see Kevin being told again how "dangerous" it was? Can you see him back at the hospital clinging to death and two days later back on the job? Can you see any criminal charges filled against him being dropped, and thanks to the weasels confiscating the money before the police saw it, the little fact that they dumped Plum's body being forgotten until Plum's friend blows into town and this entire nightmare is recycled so that once again they can get away with their half-baked crimes?

Make the Nightmares Go Away

July 6, 2007
by Brent Kellogg 

So there you have it. Michael Baldwin shrugs and smirks and then tells little brother Kevin Fisher that he mustn't drag Mama Bardwell into his mess because, well, she's up to her eyeballs in crime and thank God she's dodged the bullet so far.

No doubt sitting on her ass behind the wheel of a gas-guzzling SUV, dirty cop Maggie Sullivan heads again to the God Have Mercy Medical Center to tell crazy Kevin she knows he'll probably break a zillion laws before Jana Hawkes goes down, but that's okay; she'll find out if he does. And oh, Kevin, don't you fret. Me and that clueless PI will get Jana when we're not wasting our time making pointless trips to see you.

Should there be a chance in hell that Kevin is busted for some crime, or his mother, his brother, his sister-in-law, they need not worry about serving prison time because there's got to be someone ready to come forward to say they were doing what any law-abiding citizen would do and besides, going to prison would put undo hardships on their families, babies, et al, gag on the giant spoon of lies and deceptions until the sun explodes.

You have to laugh because if you don't you'll likely be overcome by a mad desire to stab yourself in the eye with a sharp stick and/or shoot yourself in the toe with the gun Kevin obtained thanks to his family having one handy at just the moment he needed it most. As you chuckle, toss the law Maggie claims to enforce into the smoldering firepit of who-the-hell-cares as you shake from the brutal repercussions of Victor Newman bellowing he'll make someone pay for something; probably those bastard terrorists who sabotaged his jet.

Maybe I'm the only one bellyaching, but really, you have to laugh at the vicious antics these freaks, these molesters of justice pull off and we haven't got to the part yet where Carson, more likely to be a first name considering there are strippers named Caper, blows into town looking for who killed Plum and what happened to the money now buried in the ground at the Chancellor Mausoleum so chosen because of its old, retired, on Social Security, trying to make an extra buck, security guards who can't see over their fat bellies or hear Kevin talking loudly on his phone as Daniel Romalotti jumps around like a monkey behind him near the burial site.

Let us roar with laughter as young porn addict Daniel, down to his last dime, after having his bank account hacked and his credit cards maxed out, comes up with the money for another head shrinking session, tells the shrink he's addicted, then denies he's an addict because all men look at pictures of naked sluts in magazines and on the Internet as they beat their meat and can't have a normal relationship with a woman because they're really gay and can't admit it.

Hoot and holler when Karen Taylor, inept as a campaign manager, winks at Neil Winters and a few days later is given a job at Newman Enterprises thus paving the way for Neil to put away the blowup doll - not to be confused with Colleen Carlton - because he's so hard up for sex so soon after his wife's death, a wife he did not grieve for very long having forgotten Dru Winters as his kids did on Mother's Day, and Karen gets the job Dru had although it's not clear what Dru did exactly.

Let us watch with anticipation as someone whispers in the new District Attorney's ear and convinces him to screw the law and mock the justice system by letting Gloria Bardwell, Phyllis Newman and fill in the blank, off the hook because how long has it been since Phyllis' trial was supposedly scheduled to start? What was it again Phyllis was charged with?

It's so cute as to be actually damaging to the soul. These God-fearing creeps and their hypocrisy. Their whines about not being able to do the time, and yet they're perfectly capable of doing the crime over and over again until it's as common as a bowel movement.  Oh please, I can't go to prison, but if I do, would you strangers please raise my baby? If I don't, can I get the man I stole from another woman back, or will I have to fight her as she fights with the live-in doctor lady changing his diapers? And what will become of the bastard children we've spawned? Will a single one of them grow up to lead a normal, crime-free, adultery-free life or...

Oh my. The list of bumbling, inept morons is long. But you already knew that, right?

Are you surprised by all this? Isn't it all about preventing anyone who has broken a law from paying a price except for maybe Jana who deserves what she gets for being so stupid as to give up her freedom for the likes of Kevin, like she couldn't do better when it comes to men which is never to say Kevin is one?

You could say it's much like a bad episode of "The Sopranos". All simple-minded thugs and boorish wannabe mafia types. The hunkmonkeys pretending to be private eyes and the childish girls who love them calling in violent favors; could you spy on so-and-so? Get me a gun? Bury the money I stole? Teach me how to become addicted to porn and how to ditch the unwanted children? It's all about ruthless loyalty at the expense of everything else: humanity, integrity and decency.

Then again, it's not the "The Sopranos". It's a noxious episode of "Mama's Family," all Neanderthal inbred imbeciles slapping each other in the face, spewing snot at their college professing lovers for turning them into the cops and then saying it was the right thing to do because they're no superheroes, they just want the nightmares go away.

A Gun to Die For

July 5, 2007
by Brent Kellogg 

The question as to whether immigration laws had been broken arose today when once a member of Charlie's Angels Lily Winters Romalotti informed one and only best friend and Angels pack leader Colleen Carlton that Carlton and Kevin Fisher are not "superheroes" and as mere mortals should not be taking the law into their own hands by trying to take down Carmen Mesta's killer and the woman who tried to fry Carlton's and Fisher's collective ass.

Carlton agreed up to a certain point, but said so long as Jana Hawkes continues to be responsible for the nightmares she's experiencing, she must at the very least go on pretending to be a superhero.

That there could be any superheroes in Genoa City may be indicative of a more serious and seemingly spreading close encounters of the third kind problem as Wonder Boy Noah Newman recently declared his birth parents "superheroes" despite that Nick Newman said no hero would have let Noah's half-sister, Cassie Newman die.

If in fact superheroes have begun populating Genoa City they could be considered illegal aliens. As such it would behoove INS, or a congressional hearing, to look into the matter as clearly Newman, Carlton, Fisher and the former Mrs. Newman have taken jobs away from real Americans. Of course, there is the possibly given their jobs and the amount of time the spend at them, the superheroes are performing work Americans will not do and thus how they got into the country would not matter.

In a related issue, Chatty Cathy AKA Jana Hawkes was thought to have used up her remaining rollover minutes today when for the umpteenth time she contacted Fisher to say she'd seen his likeness on the Internet and desperately wanted to see him. Lucky for Hawkes, while Fisher's doctor has said earlier that he needed to avoid stress, Fisher nevertheless had access to a phone of which Hawkes had the number like so many of the other numbers she has.

Saying he'd "kill" to see her, and urging Hawkes not to come directly to the God Have Mercy Medical Center as she was willing to do, Fisher was later confronted with the gun he'd asked his mother to fetch for him by dear brother Michael Baldwin. After assuring Fisher that he can change if he wants to, that presumably the third change is the charm, and little brother can go on to have a heterosexual relationship with a woman old enough to be his mother like he's done, Baldwin stashed the gun in a cabinet in Fisher's room apparently thinking it would be the perfect place to hide a weapon he knew Fisher would die for.

An interlude of sorts, before the final beaming out of his room with the gun without being seen, dirty cop Maggie Sullivan returned to tell Fisher that if he does anything bad, she'll find out about it as she is the only law this side of Tombstone.

And so it came to pass that when Baldwin looked through the hospital room window to see Fisher wasn't there, he ran inside, opened the cabinet and lo, the gun was gone! Imagine that? Baldwin couldn't, and actually said he wasn't expecting Fisher to find the weapon.

Risky Business

July 5, 2007
by Brent Kellogg 

The one thing I love about the freaks living in Genoa City is how they say one thing and do another. A woman resembling that remark is Gloria Bardwell. From the day she first went along with keeping her son locked in a closet, to her recent spiking Jill Abbott's and Mr. Kim Chee's drinks with drugs, to her keeping quiet about Kevin Fisher's vigilante justice, Gloria knows what she does is wrong and yet she keeps on doing it.

This week Gloria feared that what Kevin is doing - getting in an automobile wreck just so he could get a photograph of his mangy face to elicit sympathy from on the lam killer Jana Hawkes and that subsequently Hawkes will come running back into his trap - is dangerous. She told Kevin that something awful could happen if he doesn't stop and generally wouldn't be a part of his scheme.

All it took to change Gloria's mind was for Kevin to say she owes him. She didn't freak when Hawkes personally called her or ask how Hawkes has all their phone numbers or if maybe Hawkes was worried her calls were being traced by police since she'd originally limited contact with Kevin for fear he'd trace her IP address which, as it turned out, was untraceable in a city where those doing the tracing are inept dirty cops like Maggie Sullivan and her shadow, Paul Williams. All Gloria could ask was how Hawkes had the nerve to call her to say Kevin is faking it when he's not faking and thus went along with the ruse when she'd just said how dangerous it was because she feared what might happen if Hawkes finds out it's a trap.

And despite that the God Have Mercy Medical Center had said that Kevin's physical condition, his bruised pancreas, could be life threatening, Kevin swore up and down that he's fine and to prove it summoned a reporter to his hospital room to tell the story of a former girlfriend being obsessed with him. To the reporter this was news worthy of publication similar to how the local fish wrapper had jumped at the chance to publish Kevin's ugly mug in its online edition and knowing apparently that Hawkes was either staying abreast of the news, or would call again so that Colleen Carlton could tell her where to find the photo of Kevin's mug which could not possibly have been faked.

Meanwhile, worried too that his former college student lover is getting in over her head, Professor Gerbil sputtered that Colleen shouldn't be helping Kevin either because, well, it's too dangerous! He told Kevin the same thing and for his trouble got their middle fingers shoved in his face. Angry, the professor ran off to tell the cops and who should appear in Kevin's room moments later shattering the one-visitor-at-a-time rule?

Williams and Sullivan!

"Kevin, you been a bad boy again?" the copper may as well have asked as Williams scolded Kevin for doing something so dangerous. Sensing he might get spanked, Kevin began gasping for air. A doctor rushed in to say that hyperventilating had cut off oxygen to Kevin's bloodstream and heart, but that he'd be okay if only he didn't have so many visitors and thus Williams and Sullivan were made to leave thwarting any chance to enforce the law, not that they would have.

Grumpy that the teacher had ratted Kevin out, Colleen threw a fit until Hawkes called on cue so that Colleen could tell her to check the Internet news. Doing so, Hawkes was shocked to see Kevin's mangled face and by the time Colleen had told Kevin that the trap had been sprung he'd changed his mind about having her help him because he'd put her life at risk and now didn't want her at risk even though she already was.

Corrupt to the Core

July 3, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

That the God Have Mercy Medical Center is filling up with socialites is nothing new. Admissions like those in recent days, like tragedies, come in spurts as current patients Wilma Bardwell and Nick Newman have been joined by Kevin Fisher.

And like so much rehash we've seen in the past, like when Cassie Newman walked out of the hospital without being seen, watch with shock and awe as Kevin sneaks out of GHM after requesting his mother get him a gun. This is how things in Genoa City work when you're corrupt to the core. When the woman who kidnapped you and your past victim, when she tried to fry your asses, when she said she'd come home if only you'd tell her you'll take her back, you consider staging an automobile accident and then get into a real accident. You ask your mother for a gun and most likely she'll have one so that you can slip out of the hospital and go after Jana Hawkes perhaps when she's called again for the umpteenth time to say she'll be at the coffee shop should you want to welcome her back with open arms.

You will not think to call the police because the cops have said they're not interested in capturing Hawkes. You won't alert dirty cop Maggie Sullivan who is unofficially on the Hawkes case, or the private defective detective paling around with Sullivan, because, well, Paul Williams is clueless. He said he wouldn't help find Hawkes due to the high cost as though he gives a rip that clients pay too much for his services and yet seems to have reduced his rates, or is working for free because it gives him an excuse to be near a woman who won't mind that he's been married eighteen times, has a child somewhere he hasn't seen since dumping the boy in Los Angeles, an adult daughter back east he hasn't seen in more than a decade, a mother who seems to have fallen into a black hole, a father in Virginia he hasn't seen for longer than that and a former wife for whom he'd dump Sullivan in a heartbeat should Christine 'Bug' Blair return to Genoa City and show the slightest interest in him.

Don't worry too much that Kevin will kill Hawkes and then be hailed a "hero", there are those out to stop him. The police? Williams and Sullivan? Charlie's Angels? If you picked the angels you've obviously been around Genoa City quite some time although there's but one original angel. Colleen Carlton with be joined by her daddy Brad and Tinkerbelle Daniel.

Don't ask where Gloria Abbott would get a gun. Weapons are easier to obtain than Colleen calling the local paper to say she has a photo of Kevin following the crash and the paper jumping at the chance to publish it because, well, Kevin is a coffee tycoon of some sort. Admittedly, calling the paper instead of posting the photo on the Internet was a welcomed change as surely Jana gets the paper delivered to wherever she's holed up and reading it is more secure than being online with a stolen computer.

Speaking of matters so stupid as not be believed, Daniel Romalotti, arrested Monday for underage drinking, having made bail thanks to the woman who enables his addiction to pornography, his bank account drained by online hackers, is going back for another hit of psychotherapy presumably with the same doctor whom he wrote a rubber check to the last time.

Coffee Tycoon Has Accident - In Pants!

July 2, 2007
by Brent Kellogg 

In the planning stages of asking how in hell Kevin Fisher could possibly think that faking a car accident would get him in the news - unless he ran down Senator Abbott which wouldn't be such a bad idea - it struck me why Kevin does the things he does. With respect to the truly disadvantaged, he's retarded. He's psychotic too as evidenced by his desire to fake an auto accident, a felony. But what most often leads to Kevin's downfall is that he's limited as to who he selects to help carry out his loopy ideas.

Jana Hawkes notwithstanding, consider those who have helped Kevin thus far. His murdering mother, his criminal, in the true sense of the word, lawyer brother, the minor child he had sex with, the teenybopper bimbo he tried frying in a freezer and his not yet old enough to drink legally in Wisconsin sweetie pie, Daniel Romalotti.

A partner in crime to die for, Daniel is a piece of work. His addiction to porn caused his teenage bride not to trust him and kick him out of the house, his bank accounts and credit cards have been hacked, he can't pay his bills and was hoping Kevin would pay him for helping bring Jana to justice, and what did Daniel do?

He went on a week-long job seminar at which he - a mail clerk - was the only employee from Newman Enterprises. The seminar not complete, Daniel called his mother, found out that role model Nick Newman is alive, offered to come home, and told to stay and finish the seminar went to a strip club where he met a douche bag named - get this - Caper. Interesting as that encounter was, it's important to know that when Daniel learned Nick has selective memory, and is blocking Daniel's mother and half-sister Summer Newman from his already warped mind, Daniel got bent!

Unbeknownst to Nick, he was lucky Dr. Romalotti didn't beam back to Genoa City and kick his ass for not remembering what Daniel wanted him to remember. Of course, Nick could use a good kick in the ass for remembering Neil and Dru Winters, how to play chess, and most everything else except Phyllis, which is what this story is really about.

Jungle rot apparently having ate what there was left of Daniel's pea brain, monkey boy not only went to a strip club, he lied about it to his wife and then, when he was arrested for under-age drinking (note the bar wasn't sited for serving a minor), he worried again that his wife will find out. In need of a few kicks in the ass himself, how many will it take to straighten sissy boy out? What nit wit would call the woman - such that Amber Ashby is and who contributed to his delinquency - and ask that she bail him out when he's been told a number of times to stay away from her?

When Daniel was booked did the cops notice he's got a rap sheet? Did they set him free after paying a $25 fine, or will he have to appear in court on a day that will never come?

Meanwhile, back at Moron Central, Kevin was speaking again on the telephone with Jana who can't get it through her head that Kevin wants her ass in jail. So smitten with Kevin she wanted him dead, crazy as Jana must be because we all know the Sheila Carter stereotypes are crazy but their vigilante seekers of justice are not, Jana is so confident Kevin will take her back she can't keep calling and has gone so far as to ask his previous victim for help to facilitate said reunion.

Kevin is convinced that if Jana learns he's been hurt she'll come running home, but only if his self-inflicted injury is of such magnitude as to be reported on the news which Jana will surely be watching as it breaks as killers on the run are want to do.

Before coming up with the fake auto wreck idea, Kevin thought of having sidekick Colleen Carlton smack him in the head with a baseball bat. After all, he'd been hit in the head with a coffee mug before and that didn't hurt - much. Surely a head injury wouldn't result in memory loss as Kevin must have heard when Ryan McNeil was hit in the head with a bat he was up and walking around moments later. Billy Abbott got whacked in the head with a fireplace poker, Victoria Newman was nailed with a candlestick holder, and they all took the licking and kept on ticking.

Ruling out the baseball bat theory when Colleen refused to brain him, it wasn't that Kevin had come to his senses as he said if she wouldn't do it he'd find someone who would which undoubtedly would be easier than finding someone willing to sell their DNA for a few bucks.

The auto wreck was almost ruled out too when Colleen remembered Kevin loves his car! Would a, ahem, man like Kevin be so stupid as to use his own manly muscle car and not rent a Ford Taurus like Phyllis Romalotti did to run down the creepy Christine 'Bug' Blair and clueless Paul Williams? Why, yes, Kevin would. He said he hates Jana more than he loves his car and as anyone keeping score knows, hate in Genoa City always trumps love.

As misery loves company, it was therefore fate that Kevin would later get into an accident for real. Details were not immediately known, but with a little imagination one could foretell the headline: Coffee Shop Tycoon Has Accident - In Pants!

The Prefect Crime

June 21, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

A flash of light, a pounding heart and a high-ho the morgue-0 it was today for Mrs. and Mrs. Cane Ashby where they hoped to identify the dead body found in a dumpster earlier this week when only moments before Mrs. Ashby had claimed to have had no idea who the body belonged to following Mr. Ashby's hawk-eyed resemblance of man claiming to be his wife's "cousin" based on a newspaper description of the body.

At the morgue it was hollowed-eyed, white as death-looking Mrs. Ashby who said the freezer attendant looked like "a zombie" before adding she wasn't quite sure she could ID the victim and so, with only his wife's vagueness to go on, Mr. Ashby was prepared to give what little information he had to the attendant although it's not clear he ever saw the body. When the little woman's phone rang and he suspected she was speaking with the boy he'd told to stop bothering her, Mr. Ashby snatched the phone and was easily distracted as Mrs. Ashby said she couldn't ID the body. Satisfied that they'd fulfilled their obligation to society, the couple left the morgue and later, after the phone call, Mr. Ashby didn't seem suspicious when his wife said she'd been called into work.

Meantime, his bad luck changed, his wife not worried that his identity had been stolen, or that their bank account is empty and credit cards maxed out, felonious Daniel Romalotti lied to his wife again in order to meet partners in crime Kevin Fisher and Mrs. Ashby at the big dig where they'd buried money stolen earlier from the victim's rented room.

Outside the Chancellor Mausoleum, the three boobs began arguing over the money when Fisher wanted to take his share to pay off clueless PI Paul Williams who, up to this point, it has been said hadn't officially taken Fisher's case because of the expense involved. Thanks apparently to a case of waxy ear buildup, a security guard passed, shined his light, and did not hear voices. Safe and sound, the money was re-buried and the trio went off as happy campers.

If there's a message here beyond the scope of shear stupidity, I don't know what it is. For a woman who didn't want to report finding the body to police because she didn't want her husband to know that she knew the victim, for Mrs. Ashby to go to the morgue is insane. For the boys to break not one, but three laws so far that we know about, just so a woman they don't know all that well wouldn't have to tell her secret and then she told it anyway, is lunacy. For Mrs. Ashby to go to the morgue thinking there won't be a police follow-up makes no sense unless she's hoping the police, being inept as it is, won't make the connection between her and the body.

One could say the message is: Don't do the crime if you can't do the time except that unfortunately, we've seen all too often in Genoa City anyway, it is possible to commit the perfect crime.

Dumpster Dump

June 20, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

So what happened to the dead body in Kevin Fisher's car? Kevin says he dumped it after dropping co-felons Daniel Romalotti and Amber Ashby at the Athletic Supporter and felons they all shall be if, like most states, it's a felony in Wisconsin not to report finding a dead body. Not that there's much concern that if caught they'll be convicted of a crime that usually carries a 10 year prison term, to look at them the three boobs have no idea they've committed a crime, two of them all for the loyalty of a girl who didn't want her husband to find out that she knew the deceased.

Blaming his cohorts for twisting his limp wrist and forcing him to take Plum in as a roommate, Kevin was grumpy that he had to ditch Plum's body all by himself, but he kept his word that wherever the dump was made it would quickly be discovered as within hours the local newspaper reported the unidentified body had been found in a dumpster and practically anyone with eyes had read about it including Amber's hubby, Cane Ashby who to this date refuses to go by his real name, Phillip Chancellor III.

A meticulous reader, Cane noted the description of the body resembled that of his wife's "cousin" whom he'd met once or twice. Mentioning to Amber the coincidence, Amber denied the likeness and later informed Kevin she buried the loot thought to be Plum's at the Chancellor Mausoleum stables.

Without hesitation Kevin took her word for it announcing that later they would dig the money up and bury it again elsewhere perhaps in the event that they forget where the money was buried in the first place because damn if anyone can recall there being horses at the Chancellor much less stables. There are stables and horses at the Newman Ponderosa, but a search of the GCN archives going back to 1998 did not reveal, nor can anyone at the GCN recall, horses at the mausoleum, Jill Abbott and Katherine Sterling not withstanding. Even if there was stables, who at the estate cleans them? In all her years Katherine has mentioned only two employees besides her loving maid. Her driver, and one-time limousine fleet mechanic Larry Warton.

As yet Plum's body hasn't been identified, but it's a good guess when it is there will be no rush to Genoa City by Plum/Garrett's next of kin. Most likely he doesn't have a tight-knit family like the Newmans and the Abbotts so it'll take awhile before some distant uncle in Texas gets around to reading a personal letter sent by Victor Newman expressing condolences and the uncle asking to be kept informed by phone of his nephew's killer, where the body is, and when the funeral will be held. Given time, Plum's girlfriend may surface and be given a job at Newman Enterprises to replace the unfilled PR position left vacant by Carmen Mesta or work shoulder-to-shoulder with Neil Winters as dictated by the obscure NE satellite company which gets to say who shall work with who and where only to have the girl go on to become a campaign manager once she's scared the crap out of potential suspects.

In the meantime, the boobs must decide what to do with the money Plum left behind. They can't deposit it in a bank; they could probably in the Swiss Alps, but leaving town might be too risky. What they'll do is bury some of the money and spend the rest. This means they'll live in fear that someone may come looking for the money, but what the hell, the boys will let Amber carry the money around in a sack much the way Diego Guittierez carried around a sack of Victor's money until he was mugged by the Frito Banditos.

Satisfied that she buried the money, Daniel met Amber at the Jitter Joint for a relaxing latte only to have his nerves frazzled when a call from CapitalOne came in asking what's in your wallet? Been on a shopping spree? Charging $2 ice-cream cones? Max your credit card out? You didn't authorize all those charges and never thought to report that your identity was stolen? Are you a freaking idiot? Oh, that's right. You are. Lucky for your sorry ass you're only responsible for $50 worth of the unauthorized charges. Now, what about making your regular monthly payment? Got plenty of money for that now that you've got your share of Plum's money? Better hurry because if you're late by so much as a day we'll bump your interest rate to 29%.

With a reburial scheduled for the remainder of Plum's money, Daniel will escape that part of the crime now that thanks to Neil Winters, he's going to a week long seminar in Madison. For someone who works occasionally as a mailroom clerk at Newman Enterprises, unless there's a seminar on how to deliver inner-office mail, the subject of the Madison seminar can only be imagined: How to single-handedly have massive ejaculations.

No Dumping!

June 18, 2007
by Brent Kellogg 

When you heard today that Kevin Fisher and his pals were driving around town with a dead body in the car, did you think about Sharon Newman? Do you recall when she knocked Cameron Kirsten over the head with a champagne bottle, dragged his body down a flight of stairs while wearing high heels, and stashed his body near a dumpster outside a seedy motel? Recall later that Sharon came back, put the body in the trunk of her car, got stopped by police for having a faulty taillight, and stopping along the way to take a pee returned to her car to find the body gone? Remember how Sharon freaked out until Larry 'Wartman" Warton appeared to say he'd dumped the body down a manhole and even later, Sharon and Nikki Newman, dressed to the nines, went into the Genoa City sewer system to verify that the body was Kirsten's?

Except for a few details, the death of "Plum" is the same as Kirsten's or Carmen Mesta's. In this case we have three boobs looking at a dead body and not knowing what to do. Should Daniel Romalotti, Amber Ashby and Kevin dump the body by the infamous lake where Christine 'Bug' Blair found the bloody rowboat thought to have contained Izzy Brana's body? Will Victor Newman eventually ship Otis Ellwood to Montana? Otis was the rowboat owner and potential witness to a crime the cops never knew about.

Should the boobs take the body to the God Have Mercy Medical Center? Wouldn't quacks there love a body they could practice medicine on? What about putting it in the basement of Kevin's apartment building? Since Kevin and his pal Daniel are the only ones living there, who'd notice the smell? What about doing what Kevin's role model, Jeffery Dalhmer, did? Chop the body into tiny parts and dump them into neighborhood garbage cans? Better yet, why not take the body to Athletic Club manager Gina Roma? Known for her roadkill cooking, Roma wouldn't question where some fresh meat came from. For one lucky customer, Roma could serve her specialty, eyeball soup.

The boobs settled on dumping the body where it would be found quickly, but before Daniel and Amber could further immerse themselves in crime, they had to cover their tracks. Their significant others were expecting them home and while Daniel didn't mind breaking the law, while he's apparently forgotten that he moved in with Kevin because the little woman kicked him out of the house, he felt bad about lying to his wife again. Told by Kevin he didn't have a choice, Daniel called Mrs. Romalotti to say he'd be working late at the office.

Before the boobs could move the body Kevin got another message from unwanted by the cops Jana Hawkes via his always on, never needs charging, laptop. The message this time was visual thanks to both parties having webcams attached to their computers. Kevin didn't question how the laptop Jana said she'd stolen had come equipped with a camera or why she was contacting him again when she's expressed concern that Kevin might try to track her.

The conversation was contrived. Jana spewed th