Please visit this merchant

Ways you can support the GCN

Conversations with the Dead and Dying

March 26, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

My head is hurting again. There's a stabbing pain behind my right eye and often explains why I occasionally make mistakes when writing reports like the one last week when I quoted Neil Winters as saying "God helps those who help themselves" when it was Phyllis Newman who made the comment. It wasn't hard to correct the story. I merely replaced Neil's name with Phyllis'. That's how easy it is writing some of these articles. I'm surprised I haven't come up with a template whereby I can simply plug in the names as eventually they all do and say the same things.

The absurdity is that any of the elite in Genoa City would inject the name 'God' into their conversations. There is, however, proof that there is a loving god or He would have struck these people dead long ago. Take for example the case of Victoria and Brad Carlton. You should already know the past of these two sinners. Please do not forget that Brad has killed three men in the span of one year and has yet to be brought to justice. Not that he ever will, the deaths are not being investigated. Do not forget that Brad has had sex with Sharon Newman or that Victoria has had sex with a hunkmonkey. If you do forget though, it may help to better accept that when Brad found his wife embracing J.T. Hellstrom today he took it with a grain of salt.

Aware that he'd be seen in a compromising position, the hunkmonkey told Victoria to tell her husband that what he'd seen was an illusion. It wasn't like they were having sex, they'd hadn't had time to get that far. Surely Brad would understand. But Victoria said she didn't give a rip. If Brad got the wrong impression, that's his problem. In fact, if Brad had the wrong impression it would have served him right for voting against her on an important political issue.

With his tail tucked between his legs, and that's about all between his legs, Brad scooted straight for the Athletic Supporter Club where he began drinking and sending text messages to his lover, Sharon. Could she please call? It was urgent. As urgent as Amber Moore needs martial advise from a teenage boy. Sharon called and Brad whined. He saw that thing with his wife. He got the feeling they would have had sex had he not walked in on them. Oh, please, Sharon. Tell me what to do. Have I ruined my marriage?

Sharon told Brad to chill. What he saw "comforting" his wife was nothing more than a hunkmonkey. "Yeah, but Baby, why does it always have to be the hunkmonkey?" Brad asked in so many words. "Silly boy, it's like when you and I suck around each other. Our other lovers get jealous. The key here is to tell Victoria you're sorry. Tell her it only happened once. She'll buy that. Take my word for it," Sharon did not say.

But Brad did go with hat in hand. He told Victoria, essentially, "Let's have an open marriage. We can screw whomever we wish. Think of the time and trouble we've save, like those flowers I brought earlier and the money you wasted on this dingy-looking motel room. Can't you see that your friendship with the hunkmonkey is the same as mine with Sharon? If you'd like, we can continue the ruse by promising not to have sex with our friends. We know we will, but we'll wear blinders so we won't see."

"Oh, Brad. That's a wonderful idea! And all this time I thought you were a hypocrite. Let's blow this pop stand. Take me home and I'll blow you," Victoria should have said.

Meanwhile, as Victoria scurried out of the AC without informing her mother that she'd broken their un-forgiveness pact, Sharon was at the Abbott Hotel with her lover turned fiancée. Asked what she was doing on the phone when they should have been upstairs hitting the sheets, Sharon said she was giving advice to a "friend". Never mind that Victoria and Sharon have never been true friends, Jack Abbott said that's what he likes about Sharon; always willing to give.

Going threw Newman women like an addict goes through crack, Jack, once married to Sharon's mother-in-law, once married to Sharon's former husband's wife, found himself called on the carpet when his dead father materialized to ask why he proposed to Sharon. Before confessing that he loves Sharon as much as he loved Phyllis, Jack had to ask old man John 'Yawn' Abbott to please stop popping out of his grave less he, Jack, has a heart attack.

The situation that a grown man must answer to his dead father must be a sad one. That Yawn would say that Sharon fills a void in Jack's life is beyond comprehension. Not because it's stupid, not because the dead don't come back from the dead, but because Yawn has yet to tell Jack what Victor Newman is up to. You'd think, given all Yawn knows, given that he'd pop out of his grave to ask about Sharon and say he knows Jack doesn't love Sharon enough to marry her, Yawn would tell Jack about Victor.

What was the point of Yawn's appearance today? To say again how much he loved Gloria Abbott? Why didn't Jack ask if he loved Gloria as much as he loved Jill Abbott or Dina Mergeron? If Yawn can appear to Jack, why can't he appear to Gloria? Why doesn't Yawn warn Gloria that she's being duped? Does she really believe that a major toxic chemical company like Jabot Cosmetics would rollout a product baring her name in Holland? Have you ever heard such a joke? Have you heard too that Gloria must be on hand in Holland for the rollout which will prevent her appearance of the freak show called Extreme Catwalk? Would you believe she actually got her goofy son to commit another crime by hacking into her employer's computer files so she could read Kim Chee's email to discern if someone else knows about her product line who might go to Holland in her place? Shouldn't Gloria already know this? Better yet, what's to know? If you've seen one cosmetic haven't you seen them all?

Speaking of goofs, how moronic was it for Gloria to say in front of her lawyer son that she was thinking of another crime? How idiotic was it for Michael Baldwin, and his criminal wife, to say they've done enough hacking to last a lifetime? Are these people insane? Does that explain Kevin Fisher committing another crime while he rails against crimes committed against him? Is it perfectly logical that Kevin is making a Jana Hawkes voodoo doll? Is he hoping voodoo can better bring Jana to justice than the Genoa City Police, and why aren't the cops looking for Hawkes? Didn't she attempt to murder two of this city's most influential people?

If Yawn is so concerned about Jack, if he's urged Jack to right his wrongs by doing something good for the community, if he worships the ground Gloria walks on, shouldn't he know how evil she is? If you're going to have conversations with the dead, shouldn't they at least be coherent ones?

A portion of your purchase from Nutrisystem will go to support the GCN.