Please visit this merchant

More Stores

SETTING: The Boredroom at Newman Towers
DATE: Monday, January 7, 2008

Brad Carlton sits alone at the enormous conference table, one hand buried in his pants, surfing the net for photos of Sharon from her various crappy photo shoots.

BRAD: (muttering to self) Oh...oh...God, yes, baby...you like that New York steak? Mmmm...shove another juicy piece of it in your mouth, baby...

(Sharon enters, looking anxious and flustered)

SHARON: Oh hi, Brad. I'm so sorry I was running late. I would have called you, but we got a quarter inch of snow this morning and even though I'm a Wisconsinite, I don't know how to drive in it...

BRAD: (subtly zips up pants and quickly closes tab on his screen) Oh hello, Sharon, I'm all ready for that strictly professional meeting we're about to have. Yes sir, all business, that's me. No tomfoolery, wacky hijinks, or hanky-panky here. Just business, business, business.

SHARON: Um, that's my breast.

BRAD: Whoops, heh heh, thought that was my coffee cup, so sorry. Now, I thought we'd start by brainstorming outside the box and coming up with an entirely new paradigm for whatever-it-is you do for NVP, and then I thought we'd action those items and...

SHARON: (sighs deeply and sadly)

BRAD: Why, is something wrong, BFF? I know you so intimately that I, and only I, can sense that something's troubling you. Bare your soul to me, Sharon Lord and Savior. Tell Daddy all about it. What's bothering you?

SHARON: Well, aside from your arm around my shoulders and your onion breath in my ear -what'd you have for lunch, "The Sub" from Chester's? - aside from that, I am tormented and anguished because I can't come up with a justifiable reason to leave Jack, and I really really want to ditch him. I mean God, it's been like six months.

BRAD: (attempts to furrow brow thoughtfully; fails) That's a tough one, sweetheart. You know I think that marriage is killing you. Here are the keys to my house and the card of a reputable moving service. You are always welcome to sleep with me, I mean, cry on my shoulder.

SHARON: But I thought you were my friend. Didn't you tell me last week I should do the right thing? And isn't my husband Jack an adoring stepfather to Noah, just like he was to my ex-husband, which is kind of gross if I really stop to think about it?

BRAD: By "do the right thing" I meant "suck my dick". I thought we were such close friends that you understood that. Or no - we are that close - and you knew it, but couldn't admit it to yourself, so you interpreted it wrong. That's what it was.

SHARON: Look, Brad, I'm really struggling with this. If I'm going to stay in it, I want my marriage to work. That's why I've come here today for a private meeting with you, my former lover, in a locked conference room... I'm quite convinced that this course of action will strengthen my shattered marriage, as I'm sure anyone would agree.

BRAD: Of course. We're close friends, and we're above reproach, despite what your idiot husband may think. My hand on your thigh there, under your skirt, is just a friendly platonic gesture of support. I'm here for you, Sharon.

SHARON: I appreciate that.
BRAD: You're welcome.

(beat)

SHARON: Oh, I have to go, this is all wrong. I can't be here with you, Brad.
BRAD: Shall we adjourn to the broom closet, then?
SHARON: No, Brad, No! I have to go... I'm meeting my husband for dinner.

(both stand)

(beat)

BRAD: Well why aren't you going, then?
SHARON: I am going.
BRAD: You're facing me, not the door.
SHARON: I intend to walk backwards.
BRAD: Fine, so go already.
SHARON: I am going.

BRAD: Go, go, suck your toe, all the way to Mexico. By the way, I love you. And I know you love me. Screw Jack, you never had it so good as that night in New York with the steak and the sex. Why can't you admit it to yourself? Noah is already about as fucked-up as a kid can be - he'll be fine. Sharon. We are meant to be together. No one else in the world is as virtuous and perfect as we are. It's our density.

(Brad lunges forward and starts forcefully slipping Sharon the tongue)

SHARON: No, Brad, No! (resists) Mmmmppph...Oh Brad! Brad! (begins kissing him back)

(there is a sudden knock at the door)

JACK: (from outside) Hey! What's going on? Why is the Boredroom locked?

(the couple regain themselves and pull apart, breathing heavily)

(another knock, louder this time)

JACK: HELLO!
BRAD: We're coming!
SHARON (hisses) He doesn't need to know that! (opens door) Oh, hi honey! I was just working on our marriage. Ready for dinner?

Headlines

Please visit this merchant

Please use the GCN link when you shop at Amazon so we'll get credit for your purchases.
 
Shop the GCN/Amazon Store
Best Sellers