Please visit this merchant

More Stores

Listen, I have a bone to pick. A very big bone. On Tuesday in Genoa City, Gloria comes sashaying back into town with a shit-eating smirk on her face and a faux-fur animal-print cape which could only be identified as the markings of a Hellhound. And then she announces that she and Jeffrey "Doublemint" Bardwell tied the freaking knot, off screen, witnessed only by an Elvis impersonator, sometime during a commercial break. ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME?!

Now listen up, Producers and Writers. I have been good. I have embraced you, have applauded you, have even been impressed with you, and Josh Griffith is my new imaginary boyfriend. How could you do this to me? I'm just a simple girl from the Great Lakes States, writing my innocent little style columns (that in the grand scheme of things are just so many scurvy little spiders, really, but they get me through the hard times). In short, I'm a dancing monkey for your amusement. And yet you deny me the one pleasure I've been anticipating lo, these many days? A front row seat to the Bardwell-Bardwell nuptials? The mugging and drama-queening of Jeffrey and GloHo? How could you?!

I had to sit through Jack and Sharon's snore-fest of a wedding in the Newman Tool Shed. I steeled myself for Phyllis's saccharine and deeply awkward "We Are Fam-i-leeeee" speech at her second wedding to Nick. I even (may I remind you) had to suffer through Amber's wacky Vegas shenanigans, including but not limited to watching her do a squirm-inducing striptease and passing her stupid friend off as a man. All this, I did for you. Well, technically it wasn't you at the time - that's a point - but had it been you I would have taken the bullet because that's just the kind of person I am.

And now I've been dying to see GloHo and Jeffy all crazy and three sheets to the wind having a fabulously trashy train wreck cheapo Vegas wedding AND I HAVE BEEN DENIED.

Harrumph, is all I have to say. I feel empty inside. I can't believe you didn't let me see the wedding. And by the way, Josh, I'm seriously considering an imaginary breakup. Where's my Valium?!

Headlines

Please visit this merchant

Please use the GCN link when you shop at Amazon so we'll get credit for your purchases.
 
Shop the GCN/Amazon Store
Best Sellers