(Katherine Chancellor sits on her dusty old sofa,
idly fingering the shiny beads around her neck as
she contemplates her BFF Amber and Amber's insane
crush on
her grandson Cane. Her eyes dart back and forth,
which shows us she is Thinking Really hard.)
(Cane enters the room.)
CANE: Hullo Grandma. You wanted to see me?
KAY: Yes, yes, sit down. I... need to have a TALK
with you. About... AMBER.
CANE: Grandma, there's nothing to talk about. After
this whole mess with "Marina", I think it's pretty
obvious. I want nothing to do with her.
KAY: (frowns, picking up her cup of tea, her nails
clacking loudly against the expensive china) NO,
Cane, you don't... understand. I MUST speak to
you... about
Amber.
CANE: (sighs) All right, then, what's on your mind,
Grandma? It'd probably be easier to get it all out
if you didn't have to pause dramatically for five
seconds
between words. C'mon already, you're not getting any
younger here and I can't have you dying with some
Amber-related "Rosebud" bullshit that I'll spend the
rest of my life trying to decipher.
KAY: Oh, I see somebody isn't particularly
interested in being in the will. Esther! Make a note
of it.
ESTHER: (cheerfully, from off-screen) Yes, Mrs. C!
CANE: That was a low blow. Even for you, Gramsie.
KAY: I told you not to call me that. Now, listen to
me and listen good. That girl is still in love with
you.
CANE: That's nice. Anyway, I'm not in love with her.
I feel more love for my left sock than I ever will
again for that girl.
KAY: (becoming agitated) No, no, NO, you don't SEE.
It doesn't MATTER how you feel about her. Your every
glance, your every... polite hello... your very
PRESENCE gives her a case of the rabid vagina
squirrels.
CANE: (fuming) God DAMMIT, she told me it was
herpes! And it was all gone! Do I need to go back to
the free clinic AGAIN? Three more hole-punches on my
card
and I get a free Sub from Chester's. God, that
little bitch is such a liar.
KAY: No, Cane, NO! Can't you... understand what I am
trying... to tell you?! You must make it ABSOLUTELY
CLEAR to Amber that you do... not... love her and
that you never... will... again!
CANE: What, kicking her out of my apartment after
revenge sex didn't send that message loud and clear?
KAY: No, it didn't. Amber is very... fragile.
CANE: You wouldn't be saying that if you'd ever
slept with her. That girl can take an amazing amount
of--
KAY: Oh stop it, stop it! I'm trying to tell you
something very important.
CANE: You don't think parading around town with my
secret teenaged girlfriend and throwing it in her
face is sending the message?
KAY: No. No, I don't.
CANE: Grandma, you don't think ripping the wig off
her head and publicly disgracing her made my point?
KAY: Cane. She will never... stop... loving you
until you TELL her the truth.
CANE: Are you suggesting that spray-painting FILTHY
WHORE on her car at 3 a.m. didn't make my opinions
crystal clear? Man, that was a fun night. I was so
wasted. Heh heh.
KAY: She thought it was a term of endearment. I'm
just trying... to HELP you... and her... move on
with your lives.
CANE: Listen, Grandma, I don't know how else to tell
you this. The other day I shat in a colander, froze
my own poo, and dropped it in the tip jar when she
served me a latte.
(beat)
(beat)
KAY: You don't say.
CANE: Oh yes I DO say.
KAY: Well.
CANE: See?!
KAY: Well.
CANE: It was a really big one too. I had chili the
night before.
KAY: That's enough, that's enough, I don't need to
hear anymore. That my family would come to... this.
(shaking head)
CANE: Well, YOU brought it up. Anyway, don't you
look at me that way. We did it all the time in the
Outback. it was called One Lump or Two? and
everybody thought it was hysterical.
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